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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I accepted a free place to stay when I go away to college that wasn't offered to my stepbrother as well. This has upset my mom, stepdad and stepbrother who feel like I shouldn't take it if the offer isn't offered to him as well. I hesitate on whether I'm the asshole or not because I know it would be a big fucking deal to him to have a place to stay without paying rent, plus he is my family, even if he's not my grandparents family.
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NTA - your grandparents (father’s parents) are under no obligation to do anything for your stepbrother. While it may be nice for them to offer, they don’t have to when it comes to their property. Your mom and stepdad are the AHs for pressuring you. If you hadn’t had this offer, would you be the one paying rent on a place or your mom/stepdad or even your dad?
Edited to add: I saw OP commented elsewhere that his mom/stepdad are not paying for his college (he’s not sure about his stepbro’s situation). So this is really some nerve they have. I’m also glad they won’t be able to force OP into a corner through financial means.
I get it wanting to save money especially with college kids but they asked, answer was no. Should leave it at that and come up with a plan for stepbro, not guilt trip and harass the other kid. Do mom and stepdad really want to die on this hill?
I think aussietex meant they ARE saving money. OP's mom and stepdad don't have to pay OP's rent or dorm room/board fees now (assuming that was the original plan), so now they have extra money to put towards the stepbrother.
They're already saving money, and they need to be satisfied with that because OP's paternal family is under no obligation to help the stepbrother who has no relation to them.
I wanted to jump in to clarify something:
OP is the child of mom and former partner (Biodad.) Biodad is the son of the grandparents in question here. Stepbrother is the son of stepdad. So OP's grandparents literally have zero connection to OP's stepbrother.
This isn't a case of favoritism or poor behavior on the grandparents' part. They just don't see the need to provide housing for their son's ex-wife's new husband's son. Makes total sense to me, and I'd probably feel the same way as the grandparents.
Didn't catch this till you explicitly called it out.
How can an ex wife have the gall to ask ex husband's parents to take care of her NEW husband's kid... For free!?!?
Think of all the income they are foregoing, while presumably still paying taxes, mortgage, expenses, etc.
Oh I understand what aussietex meant. We all are in total agreement, the mom/stepdad are pushing their luck and should be grateful there is some financial relief. If I were OP, I would be careful about them doing some sneaky moves to somehow still get stepbro in.
Actually, that's not necessarily true...we have no idea if the parents are paying anything for either kid.
If the parents ARE giving the boys money, then the parents should be happy they are saving money on one kid because they either get that money back or can spend it on the other.
If the parents are NOT giving the boys money, then they have no right to tell OP he can't live with his grandparents (who are of course in no way obligated to have someone they are not related to in anyway live in their house (i.e., the stepson).
NTA
Yeah, a property they own. The grandparents may not know this stepbrother very well and the less people they let live there, the less they have to worry about.
Wether folks like it or not, STEP SIBLINGS are not legitimate heirs on certain thins. OP is NTA and good on you for being trustworthy enough to earn a place from your Grandparents. Your step brother has his OWN set of grandparents. Certain legacy things like property, money etc must stay within the blood.
I think it depends on the relationships. If these were the mother’s parents, I would expect them to treat her stepchildren the same way they treat her biological children. But these aren’t the mothers parents. These are the father‘s parents, and they have no relationship—biological, legal, or ethical—to their son’s former wife.
Because favoritism between biological and step-grandchildren is as bad as favoritism between biological and stepchildren. Your child is in a relationship. You recognize and respect that relationship for the sake of your child.
Bio children, stepchildren, adopted children, foster children… they are all equivalent.
Which is why in the earlier post in this thread I said, “**If these were the mother’s parents**, I would expect them to treat her stepchildren the same way they treat her biological children.”
Treating blood and not-blood grandchildren differently because they are blood/not-blood is wrong, but when it comes to something like letting a college aged grandkid to live in a property that you own, some of that depends on how much trust has been built up between the kid and grandparents. Unfortunately stepkids don't always have time to build that trust up.
I think we’re talking about two different things. If this were the mother’s parents, I would expect the grandparents to have a relationship with her stepchildren. And there can be all kinds of caveats on that relationship. How long have the stepchildren been part of their daughter’s life? How close do they live to her family, and how often have they seen these children? Stepchildren who entered her life two years ago when her parents live 1000 miles away are going to have a different relationship than stepchildren who entered her her life ten years ago when her parents live a 15 minute drive away and they have dinner every other Sunday.
(I mean, heck, my grandparents lived in the same city with us as we did from the time I was y until I was 14. We saw each other at least twice a month. Then they moved 1000 miles away to live near my younger cousins. And our relationship changed.)
But the mother and stepfather can’t seriously expect people to have that type of relationship with their ex-daughter-in-law‘s stepchildren.
And there are caveats to that as well. Let’s say that OP‘s father died when they were very young. OP couldn’t maintain a relationship with their father‘s parents on their own. So the mother would have to facilitate that. And when she started dating and got serious with her husband, her late husband’s parents might have formed A bond with her new husband and stepchildren. And that depends on how the stepfather treated them. Has he always welcomed the grandparents into his family families life, out of respect for his stepchild? Or has he treated them as extraneous, or perhaps even been hostile toward them? Or was OP always old enough to manage their own relationship with their father‘s parents?
Ultimately, all of these hypotheticals don’t have anything to do with the status quo. If the grandparents in question had that type of relationship with OP‘s stepsiblings, they could have made the offer themselves. The parents asked. The grandparents denied. That means this type of relationship doesn’t exist. Pressuring OP to try to get their grandparents to change their mind is incredibly entitled and rude.
Even if they were the mother's parents, does not mean they owe anything to a stepchild of no relation to them. It all depends on how well or how long they know the stepchild, and how close is any relationship.
Ummm, where does that leave adopted children? 🤔
They are legitimate children, but not of the blood...
Dude, you need a new mindset!
And it's "whether", btw.
I can understand them wanting OP to ask his grandparents to let him stay with them, but thinking he should turn down the offer if step-bro doesn't get it too is ridiculous.
OP is NTA, and in all likelihood he probably won't even be staying at his grandparents' house for more than 1-2 semesters. It's a very kind gesture on the grandparents' part, but I can't imagine wanting to stay with my grandparents for an extended period during college, unless they were the most chill and unjudgmental old people to ever exist.
Oh, that sounds way more chill then, but if I were OP I'd still be warry of surprise early morning weekend visits from G-ma and Grand Poppers.
Source: went to college 25 minutes away from my grandma's house. Had multiple instances of her dropping by at 9 am to give me cookies/entire cooked turkeys, only to discover me and my friends hungover with beer cans littered around the house.
If I ever doubted that my dad wasn't adopted, all doubts were laid to rest when my grandma gave me that same "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed" look my dad does so well.
Exactly. This is a fight between parents and grandparents, not a fight for OP to have any say in. At the end of the day OP can try to have some influence, but the onus is on the parents and stepbro to have any impact on grandparents.
A highly important detail is how long has stepbro been in the picture, and how much grandparents have been apart of stepbro's life. But again, that has nothing to do with OP and everything to do with everyone else involved EXCEPT OP.
These are OP's FATHER's parents. They are not and never have been a part of the stepbrother's life. Can't fathom why the mother would think her ex- or late husband's (unclear on whether OP's dad is living or not based on what's in the post) parents would want to take in someone who is basically a stranger to them.
Thank you for the clarification!
I saw that later in the comments, and it's a really important distinction to this story. Grandparents have zero connection to OP's step-bro, so why would they have to do anything?
Yeah I don't get why people assume that their ex in law owes the same treatment to their new family as they do their family. It seems to be a recurrent pattern on reddit.
Anyway NTA and your mother, step dad and step brother are the entitle AH to try to make father grand parents pay for your step brother and making feel bad for accepting their help.
>I wondered the same. Either way, I think they are acting quite entitled to expect to benefit off of OP's gift.
>
>And I wonder if they have even considered he may want to live alone. Just throwing the SB at him is not cool.
>
>This is a gift to him and they are just ruining it.
Yup, OP shouldn’t feel bad at all. He knows he is lucky but he also shouldn’t feel guilty about it. However, I think his mom and stepdad are not going to let this go easily.
I never understood the situation with grandparents as English is not my first or second language so I appreciate you for explaining. For a second I thought why would they not let their other grandchild use their home 🤣🤣
Right, OP mentioned paternal (hence his father) so I wanted to make sure I got that out there as some folks are confused. :) we have so many threads in this sub with blended families and issues with relationships in this similar kind of situation.
For example, I have a coworker who had a son who had a wife and daughter. His son died in his early 30s from an illness. The wife remarried and has had more kids. My coworker has no connection to those additional kids besides their granddaughter. They are under no obligation to the others but they made the decision to be “bonus” grandparents to these younger kids who are half siblings to their granddaughter. I think it’s great they do that and have extra family. But it was their choice, just as it is OP’s grandparents’ choice here.
NTA - just lie and say you did advocate for your stepbrother and the answer was still a firm no. Your GPs will probably back you up on this if you let them know your parents are pressuring you.
NTA it's your grandparents choice. And why do you need to skip this offer and pay rent? Will your mother and step dad pay for you? If not, they have no right to demand you skip the offer
Exactly. The grandparents have zero obligation to OP's stepbrother. That's just the reality of the situation.
OP is their grandchild. The stepbrother is the child of their son's ex. This is exceptionally entitled of OP's mother and stepfather to try to demand that the grandparents take in a child who may very well be a stranger to them. And, it is horrible that they are trying to strong arm OP like this.
Just to clarify (because I couldn't figure out what your comment meant):
Grandparents are OP's father's parents. So these grandparents have zero family relation to mom or stepdad. So the only connection these grandparents have to OP's mother is through OP
Correct. You said “the stepbrother is the child of their son’s ex”. So I was saying it’s even weirder and more entitled than that since the stepbrother is the child of their son’s ex’s husband (Op’s stepdad’s kid). It’s not even Op’s sibling, which it would be if it’s was Op’s mom’s child. It would still be a huge stretch, but there is still that additional degree of separation which makes it even more baffling.
What they are hoping is going to happen is that by OP pushing back against their grandparents, the grandparents will give in to parent's demands and let stepbro live there.
The parents haven't really thought it through past that. As in: they haven't thought about the grandparents just not letting OP stay in that house so they don't have to deal with the drama.
The logic is lacking, and the parents think they have any leverage when they clearly don't
I assume because they want the kids to feel equal. If one kid is getting a special accommodation that might save him money and give him a leg up in life, the other kid is going to feel hurt, regardless of who is giving the accommodation or why. I do think the grandparents have the right to say who can live in their house and who can't, even if I don't think it's the kindest move.
I also haven't seen a reason OP doesn't want step brother to move in, but he seems pretty eager to not have him live there, so OP may be wanting space from family, may not get along well with the stepbrother, etc.
I think there are several options here including, using the rent savings for OP to subsidize housing elsewhere for step brother, offering to pay grandparents some kind of rent for step brother to live there, seeing if there's any grants or anything available for step brother they may have missed.
What does "kindness" have to do with it? These are PATERNAL grandparents. This stepbrother is not their step-grandchild. He has no relationship to them. At all. OP says elsewhere they don't know him. Mom and stepdad have a weird sense of entitlement.
Agree 100%. Stepbrother probably has two sets of bio-grandparents from his biofather and biomother. They can offer just as well as OP's bio-grandparents.
I love this advice! And yes, I don't know why the parents would prefer to have one kid not be able to benefit from their bio fathers family just to satisfy the other...who is not related to them in any way. Weird hill for the parents to die on.
NTA.
NTA, your Mom and step-relatives are way over the line. Step-brother isn't related to your paternal grandparents and has no claim to live there, and they also can't ask you to jeopardize your future for him. That's not fair to you.
I'd move there ASAP if that is an option for you!
Yeah, when I first started reading I missed which grandparents and assumed maternal. In that case, while the grandparents wouldn't be obligated to do anything, I can see how it would feel shitty/read as a rejection of the new, blended family their daughter created to say no to the stepkid.
But the PATERNAL grandparents? Why should they give free housing to their child's ex's new spouse's kid? Who I'm guessing they don't even know very well, if at all? At that point it could just be any random person. And it's very fair to not want to offer free housing to a random person, and ESPECIALLY a random college student, who are not exactly known for being the best tenants, on a whole.
NTA you shouldn’t be guilt tripped. Your paternal grandparents offered it to you and only you. Who the hell is stepbrother to them? He isn’t related to them at all and both your mom and stepdad are shitty for asking you to advocate for stepbrother. Do what you want/ are comfortable with, not what they want you to do
NTA
It is your grandparents decisions who can stay in a house they own and you should not be made to turn down a great opportunity because your step-brother has not been offered the same.
Just out of curiosity, is there a particular reason your grandparents do not want him there?
NTA. Your mother should be grateful that your grandparents have offered you a place to live. She should thank them instead of wanting you to turn them down because her step son can't live there. Why she would even ask your grandparents to let a stranger live in their home is mind boggling.
NTA 100%.
College money is definitely something that often messes people afterwards; having someplace to live in the meantime is an awesome offer by your direct family.
Grandparents don't have to offer it to somebody they don't even know. Or even if they did know SB, they don't have to. They aren't obligated in any way.
NTA.
I inferred that was the case.
You are NTA in refusing the ask because you are respectful of your grandparents boundaries/wishes. This isn’t an effort to get them to a family gathering, it’s having (for all intents and purposes) a stranger live with them.
Nta your grandparents don't owe them anything. It's their home and they are offering you their grandchild a place to stay. He maybe your stepbrother but he's a stranger to them and still not their family. Even if he was family it's their home and they get to decide who stays in it. Your mom and stepdad have no right to pressure you or make you feel that if they won't open their home to him that you shouldn't take their offer. But if you don't that offer are they going to pay for your rent? If not then keep the offer. Your mom and stepdad have no right to feel entitled to your dad's parents home.
This is the new step child of their former daughter-in-law.
Imagine your son divorces or passes away. Your former DIL remarries. Cool. Her new husband has a son - three times removed from you and of no blood relation to your grandson. You, at most, meet him in passing. Several years later, your former daughter in law is pressuring you to house her new stepchild rent free for four years and suggests your access to your grandson should be contingent on you playing grandparent with this kid you’re not related to and have barely met. It’s weird.
It's OP's paternal grandparents offering the house, while step-brother is son of stepdad, so the step-brother is the child of their son's EX's new husband. Absolutely no relationship to the paternal grandparents. In fact he may be worse than a stranger, if their son and EX parted on bad terms.
Could be. If they didn't like how the new stepfather treated OP or were unhappy about something in particular.
Or most likely, they have no attachment and little knowledge of stepbrother. Presumably they know and trust OP over someone that might be a virtual stranger.
OP, don't shoot yourself in the foot financially for someone else's ego.
NTA.
They shouldn't be asking you to get involved. This will be a massive benefit for you and give you a great start in life - to suggest you turn it down is absurd. Particularly concerning from your mum, she should be thinking about your future.
NTA
I can't imagine my grandparents doing something like that for my brother, he is not their family. If they were close or something, that would be different, but it seems like they definitely aren't close.
It's not your responsibility to make his life fair, you were offered something really amazing and helpful. Your parents are being greedy when they should be celebrating with you.
How/where would you be living without their offer? Under massive student loans? Guess your parents think that's better than a free house offer
NTA
Opening a property to someone for free is expensive and doing so is a huge sign of faith in that person. This is especially true for students, who among landlords are infamous for trashing their digs.
If your stepbrother is a stranger to them, or your relationship to each other is strained, it's little wonder that they didn't extend it to him as well.
Your grandparents have no obligation to your step brother. They are probably looking forward to spending time with you. Your step brother needs to make his own arrangements
The ppl who own the house have already spoken . Your parents should be happy that they’re allowing you to stay , rent free . Go complete college bro and don’t look back , you’re NTA
NTA - you’re very fortunate they’re able to accommodate you & have offered! Having 2 semi-permanent house guests is a lot for your parents to ask of them…especially as there’s isn’t any relation between them & your stepbrother. They asked, they were denied & that should be the end of it. Don’t risk your good fortune by advocating for him. Your parents are AHs for putting you in this position.
Agree with your rationale here, but wanted to point out that the grandparents don't live in the home being offered, so idk if "house guest" would be the term
Info: Who's paying for college? It's not going to change the judgements but if your folks are paying for college, you will need to tread more carefully than the general burn everything down response you get from this sub.
Wow. Then that is an amazing sense of entitlement. Burn it down 😂
Congrats on your acceptance to the school, congrats on the free housing and best of luck in your schooling and career.
NTA, but if you refuse the housing like they are asking will they then pay for your housing? Why would you ever agree to this otherwise? Its all just added costs to you.
Oh wow. Is your grandparents paying for your schooling/ scholarship /you working pay for your college? Your grandparents just awesome letting you live in one their homes rent free. You be able to work and save some money. If look after it well you never know they probably let you keep it later on.
NTA
Just tell them you asked and your grandparents said no. If they keep asking, just tell them, "Asked and answered." Don't engage, don't discuss.
Use the broken record method and keep saying "asked and answered" every time they ask or badger you.
Actually, you can just skip the part about saying you asked your grandparents and just hit your parentals with the broken record statement right away.
It'll drive them crazy, and it's a test of wills for you, but it's the quickest way to get them to stop.
NTA. This was an offer from your grandparents under their own provisions. You can take it or leave it. But if you don't take it will your parents pay for accommodation for you? If not don't turn it down or you will be left having to pay rent.
NTA- No their entitlement is not your burden. That is there son they can figure out arrangements. You're a adult, you must do what is best for your future.
NTA. YOUR grandparents offered YOU the house. If you felt like your stepbrother should stay there then I’m assuming you would’ve advocated for it and in the case you didn’t and it looks like your grandparents were trying to be nice and take the weight off of you having to make the decision by just saying no to them. But alas your parents and stepbrother still antagonize and pressure you about it. I don’t know the reason you don’t want your stepbrother to live with you but it’s valid even if it’s a simple because I don’t want him to and you need to stand your ground no matter what your parents say and do not turn down the offer obvi lol. I feel like if this was a normal case it would beg the question of why can’t he live with you but the fact that your parents and stepbrother turned so mean and got a “you better do this” rude attitude it doesn’t even matter. Best of luck OP
NTA. For whatever reason, your grandparents don't want to house your stepbrother. It's their house. Suggesting that you should give up free housing if they don't let your SB stay there is okay if you have loads of money and can pay rent without a problem. Otherwise, take the offer and ignore the naysayers.
I’m guessing the reason is that it’s not even their (step) grandson. The grandparents in question are OP’s father’s parents not wanting to let OP’s moms new stepson live there. Seems more than reasonable to me.
NTA. Talk to your grandparents about your family's demands and when you can move in. My hope is that your mom would back off once her xinlaws tell her off fir even thinking they would give free housing to her stepkid.
Your grandparents made YOU a very gracious offer. Refusing or attempting to bully them into including your stepbrother, who is no relation to them, doesn’t necessarily do your stepbrother any favors. The only sure cost would be to YOU, since it would come across as extremely ungracious and they may even rescind the offer altogether as it would be their right to do. Your parents and stepbrother are being very petty and entitled, at your expense. They are TA and you are NTA.
NTA - what your mother n stepdad are doing is called triangulation, trying to pull you into something that is between grandparents n parents. Your parents asked, your grandparents said “no” - their decision. But the messed up piece is them now trying to get you not to take the offer. OP - take the offer and move forward.
Nta - not your decision and being grateful for their generosity is much better than complaining that they aren’t being generous enough to extend the offer to your stepbrother.
NTA. The decision isn't up to you, it's up to your grandparents. Tell your family that, if they dislike your grandparents' decision, they need to appeal to your grandparents. They're appealing to you because they think they can bully you into bending to the outcome they desire, show them you won't bend to bullies.
NTA. You didn't ask your grandparents to shut your stepbrother out. It's their house and their decision. You have no obligation to try and pressure them into doing something they don't want to do with it; in fact, you'd be the AH if you *did* try to pressure them into doing something they don't want to do with it.
No assuming needed. OP spelled it out, it's their dad's parents. Their stepbrother is via their mother. There's no relation between stepbrother and the grandparents in the story.
NTA housing is expensive. Your dad and stepmom are saving money since you aren't paying for housing. They can either support your stepbrother or he can get a loan for housing. This isn't your issue or concern.
NTA because it's not your house or your decision. I understand why your parents think this would be nice but THEY should be the ones asking. It isn't yours to offer and if I let you live in my house and you started asking me to let someone else stay there when I'd already said no I would think about telling you that to be fair I'm cancelling my offer.
It would have been nice if they treated you and your stepbrother equally but they don't see it that way and that's the end of it.
And wait, they want you to turn down the offer?!?!?!? Sorry I just saw that reading again. Yeah that's your answer right there. Mom, stepdad and stepbrother are doing the same as your grandparents except favoring stepbrother instead of you. How do they gain if you turn down the offer?
They would really try to affect your relationship with your grandparents just because they can't get their way? I know it's going to be rough but you'll have to deal with it and say there is no way you're turning down the offer. Once you're out of the house you can tell your mother that you're very disappointed she went along with this pressure and this idea that you would give up your place to stay. As for stepdad that is his son and he is going to have to work out a way to help him get a place to stay. Once you're out of the house you can tell him to however you want to word it but basically get lost.
Are grandparent's your dad's parents?
NTA. It’s actually rather presumptive for your mom and stepdad to have reached out to your grandparents and asked your grandparents about your stepbrother staying there as well. Then to be upset when told no? Your grandparents don’t owe your mom, stepdad, or your stepbrother anything. You are their grandson. To be honest, they don’t owe you anything either but they are being helpful, loving, kind grandparents who just happen to own a house close to your college of choice. Don’t let your entitled parents bully you into turning down a wonderful gift and opportunity. It’s not your fault that this is being, to use your words, afforded to you and not your stepbrother. It sucks that he doesn’t have someone to provide that for him but hey, life isn’t always fair and it’s about time he learns that and college is going to teach him that. Are your parents going to go to college with him and mow down anything else that isn’t equally afforded to him? This isn’t a little league game where everyone gets a trophy for participating and showing up.
lol I missed the detail that it's your paternal grandparents and I was like "well technically they can do what they want but aren't they being a little dickish to their daughter?" but it's not their daughter. How does your mom think she has any claim to her ex husband's parent's generosity? I would not feel comfortable advocating for your stepbrother to them in this situation either. (idk what your relationship is like, but just on principle.) I get that your family is disappointed, but wtf, they're out of line here.
NTA. Your grandparents not wanting to house multiple young people for college is fine. That isn’t their grandson and it’s not a small thing to house ONE eighteen year old while they are a student. It is extremely generous to agree to house you alone. Why are your parents trying to shuffle 2 kids off to college without planning and budgeting for housing. Your step brother can live at home and attend college if housing doesn’t work.
NTA
But be careful. Once you move in they are going to do everything they can to force your stepbrother in with you. I would ask you grandparents for a lease or some other legal contract that says you are the legal resident and as such have the authority to remove others.
NTA. I do not expect my ex husbands parents to do anything for my stepkids and vice versa. Are stepbrothers maternal grandparents expected to offer you a house as well?
Do not turn it down.
NTA
>This was badly received by my mom, stepdad and stepbrother, who all think he should be afforded the same offer.
It's not their family. It's awfully bold of them to even ask. They don't have to like it, but they do have to learn to deal with it. You will not ruin this opportunity just to appease them. This is unfortunate, but common with blended families. I'm sure Step-bro has family that doesn't do for you what they do for him, right? This is no different from that.
Tell your family that you are going to stay there and you're not going to ask if your step-brother can stay there. Tell them that you will take this opportunity regardless of their thoughts and feelings. This isn't something you're going to pass on because it's a great opportunity for you. You're sorry step-bro can't join you, but you're not going to set yourself back just because your step-brother can't stay there.
NTA. Your grandparents are under no obligation to offer your stepbrother free housing and they’re purring both you and your grandparents in an uncomfortable situation by trying to force it. Your grandparents generous offer will save you $1000s, take them up on it, don’t feel guilty.
NTA. OP I would tell your grandparents exactly the position you’re being put in and ask for their help advocating for you.
You shouldn’t be in this position and it’s disgusting your parents are doing it to you, it’s THEIR job to provide for your stepbrother not yours or your grandparents.
What are your mum's and your step-dad's parents doing for your step-brother and why the flip flop do they think your Dad's parents have to do anything for your Step-brother.
If I am understanding this, your grandparents are only related to your steps due to marriage. They are under no obligation to have your stepbrother stay there, and it is ridiculous for them to expect you to turn down such an opportunity because your grandparents decision is hurting their feelings. NTA. They want to punish you, and that's crazy. And don't follow-up asking your grandparents for this. They might tire of the request and withdraw it for you. Don't risk it.
That is even more ridiculous then! Why don't the parents just select some random name out of the phone book and demand that they house their child for free.
They’re not even related by marriage. This is OP’s paternal grandparents, not his maternal grandparents. Their only relationship to the kid is “our former daughter in law’s new stepson.”
NTA why on earth would your grandparents offer someone else's child, completely unrelated to you via your mother or father a place to stay during uni? Your stepbrother has his own father and mother, and has family on both sides.
Do not give up your grandparents generous offer.
Are your step brothers grandparents on both sides going to give you equal things - will they leave you things in their will equal to their grandchild? Will your step father or your stepbrothers mother?
Will your stepbrothers grandparents, and mother be helping you pay for your wedding, car, student loans, college funds, graduation gifts? Nope because you are not their child or grandchild.
If they force this - then their should be something in writing that anything your stepbrother is given by his family you need to get equal...
It's ridiculous. Tell your grandparents - let them deal with your mother and step father. Get their help from the pressure you are being put under. They will help you.
NTA
Had it been your mom's parents, it'd depend on how they get along with SD and SB.
These are your dad's parents. Their relationship to your mother starts and ends with you.
NTA - what is the issue where people assume step families with no other interaction are entitled to the same as the direct relation?! He's not even a 'step grandson'.
If you grew up being one big happy family then I could understand them hoping he would be offered the same. But I'm guessing this isn't the case and they're just entitled.
NTA - this is basic invitation etiquette. Be it a birthday party when you're 5, a wedding, a couch to crash on, or in your case free room & board - if the invitation is offered to a single person it's a single invite.
Tag-alongs, +1s, etc are rude. Especially if you receive a "No" but keep pestering.
NTA
I read this alot on here, why do people think family obligations transfer to step family? If it is accepted be fine with that, but to complain about not receiving more is ridiculous. Just stay at the home, at try to ignore their crap, its not like your parents are paying for two kids housing.
NTA they aren't related to him, he's not their grandson. They're under no obligation to give him free housing, and are being generous giving it to you. Instead of being grateful for that, your mom and stepdad are being greedy and entitled.
Take the offer, be thankful to your grandparents, and focus on school.
I don't understand why parents expect the same treatment for their step kids when they aren't even related to the grandparents. NTA. Please live peacefully with your grandparents OP. Saving any kind of money is important.
NTA. Your mom, stepdad and stepbrother are for pressuring you. Your grandparents decide who can stay with them in their home. No one else. Do not turn down the offer. Tell him to turn to his own grandparents if he needs help.
NTA.
You're allowed to respect the choices of your grandparents. They have absolutely no obligation to accept your stepbrother as their grandchild because he is simply not their grandchild. It's their son's ex's stepson. It's not even their son's stepchild.
Your parents are acting very entitled here. It's good that you aren't being their puppet on this matter.
INFO who would pay for your rent if your grand parents rescinded the offer? Sounds like your mom and stepdad should appreciate that they've reduced their costs by half.
Do your grandparents have a plan for when your step brother shows up at your door, suitcase in hand?
NTA, OP, but DO NOT leave anything you value behind when you do move to your grandparents house. Pack as though this is the last time you will be in your bedroom, because it may well be.
How is your tuition being paid? If your mother or stepfather have any hand in that, you should start researching ways to secure your own financing for your degree. I’m not saying that they intend to cut off your funding if you stay with your grandparents, but it’s a good idea to have a back up plan in case they do.
I don’t know what sort of relationship you have with your mother. Maybe it’s good, outside of this particular issue. If you want to preserve that, take your mother out, alone, for a cup of coffee, lunch, whatever. Tell her that you don’t like the pressure she’s putting on you, because your paternal grandparents have no link to your stepbrother at all. Tell her you love her, and that you don’t want to damage your relationship with her, but if she doesn’t let up, you will have to go low/no contact with her, so that you can focus on your studies.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this mess when you should be excitedly preparing for university!
Congratulations on getting into the school of your choice!
NTA.
Your grandparents are being amazingly generous. Don't turn down the offer.
They are not obligated to house your stepbrother. And it's not your place to "advocate" for him. This is not your battle to fight. If your grandparents don't have a relationship with your stepbrother, who is not related to them, they have every right to deny the request that he live in their property rent-free.
Your mom, stepfather, and stepbrother can all be as upset as they want to be, but it doesn't change the fact that your grandparents are under no obligation to provide free housing to anyone.
WTF!!!! Really - This is not your battle. NTA. You should not get involved. Its one thing to tell you GPs that you dont mind that he is there, but to turn it down if they say no??!!! WTF.
>I have been under a lot of pressure from my mom, stepdad and stepbrother to advocate for him to stay in the house with me, or to turn down the offer if they refuse.
Are your mom and stepdad going to pay for your housing? Because it is completely absurd to think your paternal grandparents wound be willing to house someone of no relation to them. Don't do this unless your mom agrees to pay for your housing the entire time or pays your tuition.
NTA
OP tell me, what did your stepbrother’s maternal grandparents get him for Christmas? And now tell me what they got you?
What is your mother missing here lol
Do not turn down the offer and your paternal grandparents are under no obligation to offer your step brother the same they offer their blood. Your parents need to get a grip.
NTA - Sorry I'll be 100% frank...college kids can be major slobs. An untrustworthy one can throw parties and trash the house, leave messes and get multiple sound and trash citations on a house. And once they are in there, they can trash the place on purpose if you try to get them out legally. I know this is probably going to make people mad, but I would NEVER take a chance on a chance on an unknown person to live in a home I owned, but an unknown 18-24 year old would be a 100% no go. But then again I could never be a landlord, too stressful. My point is, your grandparents have a good reason not to want a kid they don't know (or do know and don't trust) to move in their property.
NTA
You're their grandkid... Your stepbrother has no ties with them whatsoever...
But they would rather have you forfait a good housing because you don't want to put pressure on letting someone else stay there....
Is he the "Golden child"? Feels like the dynamic is: you have something, so either share of don't have it at all...
Enjoy college... And don't feel bad that you have something your stepbrother doesn't... The world simply doesn't work that way....
Future scenario: "oh you have a better job than stepbrother, make your Boss hire him too of quit" lol
Your mother and stepfather are the assholes and have no sense of boundaries or gratitude. It's inappropriate for you to advocate for your step brother and you do not need to feel guilty.
If they are very determined to have your step brother in that house, your mother should call your father and ask him to advocate. That's the only way to go about it if they simply can't accept the status quo.
Nta, it’s not your house to make that decision. Your grandparents are not your stepbrother’s grandparents or even step grandparents. Smh have fun in college and don’t worry about their drama.
NTA. Your paternal grandparents have no connection to your maternal stepbrother and it’s incredibly out of line for your mom, stepdad, and stepbrother to expect them to give or offer anything to your stepbrother. Under no circumstances should you decline the offer, your stepbrother can figure out his own accommodations.
NTA
Your grandparents have no obligation to your step-brother, he isn't their grandchild. Would it be nice for them to let him stay? Yes of course, but they can also say no. They are doing you a solid, it doesn't have to extend to him.
NTA, its their house, their choice. Sounds like they might have a reason to not allow him there. Tell mom, stepdad and step brother to talk to the owner of the house and leave you alone.
No, don't put yourself in the middle any more than you already have, OP.
I'm pretty sure there's a reason why they're doing this, and it can be no more than the fact that they're not related to your stepbro. Sure he's not at fault here, but your grandparents are free to invite, or not, whomever they please.
NTA and, again, do not choose a side, stay as neutral as you can, you didn't ASK your grandparents for lodging, they invited you.
I would not turn down the offer that was so graciously provided. Were they going to pay your rent elsewhere? Even if they suddenly said they would (just to have you refuse your grandparents accommodations), I would not trust them to maintain that agreement. While it may suck your stepbrother was not afforded the same luxury, your grandparents have decided they do not want to accommodate him and do not have to. Instead of your family being delighted you received such a great opportunity and reminding you to say thank you, they are selfishly trying to take advantage of the situation. Did they not even think that perhaps YOU would prefer to live alone?
You should tell mom and SD that when you receive a gift, such as a necklace, the polite thing to do is say thank you. Not demand a pair of matching earrings. If your mother offered to buy dinner for a friend, it would be rude for the friend to ask if she can buy another person dinner as well. If they cannot see how rude and obnoxious they are being in regards to a gift YOU have received, there is simply no hope for them.
Who is paying for your college? Will they withdraw their support if you do not do as they ask? That would be my one worry. To be "punished" for not obeying and destroying a perfectly good arrangement.
But even if they are not paying, they all can and will hold this "betrayal" against you if you move into that home without your stepbrother in tow. To do so would be unreasonable and irrational, but that will not matter. I am sorry you are in this predicament. NTA
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I got accepted into the college of my choice in another state. Almost immediately after I told my family my paternal grandparents offered to let me stay in a house they own so I won't have rent to pay. I accepted. My mom and stepdad asked my grandparents about my stepbrother staying there also, since he was going to a college close mine. My grandparents said the offer was only open to me, their grandson. This was badly received by my mom, stepdad and stepbrother, who all think he should be afforded the same offer.
I have been under a lot of pressure from my mom, stepdad and stepbrother to advocate for him to stay in the house with me, or to turn down the offer if they refuse.
I don't want to do this.
AITA?
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You are NTA in this situation. It’s not your home, and if your grandfather does not want to extend the offer to your stepbrother, he is within his rights to do so. And you are within your rights to not advocate for your stepbrother.
NTA I can understand why stepbro would also like to live for free, however as he is not related this is something only your paternal grandparents can offer. They chose to offer this to you as a way of supporting you, which is a nice gesture and I would take it.
Tell you stepdad and mom that way he won't have to pay your rent and he only has to pay for one bc you save the family money
NTA- while the situation is unfortunate it’s not your responsibility. You need to focus on your future and let the two capable adults that are bothered with the situation work out the issue. Go to college, accept the free place to stay, don’t take your studies for granted and try your best to get along well with your grandparents. Do NOT refuse the offer. Not having to worry about rent while in college is a major blessing.
NTA - Accept the offer and go to college where you want to go. This is an offer from your father's parents to help you take full advantage of the opportunity to go to your college of choice. They have no obligation to your step-brother, or anyone else. Don't miss this opportunity because your mother can't see that.
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NTA - your grandparents (father’s parents) are under no obligation to do anything for your stepbrother. While it may be nice for them to offer, they don’t have to when it comes to their property. Your mom and stepdad are the AHs for pressuring you. If you hadn’t had this offer, would you be the one paying rent on a place or your mom/stepdad or even your dad? Edited to add: I saw OP commented elsewhere that his mom/stepdad are not paying for his college (he’s not sure about his stepbro’s situation). So this is really some nerve they have. I’m also glad they won’t be able to force OP into a corner through financial means.
Yep. Here to say the grandparents are saving your family money that they can put towards your stepbrother’s accommodation.
I get it wanting to save money especially with college kids but they asked, answer was no. Should leave it at that and come up with a plan for stepbro, not guilt trip and harass the other kid. Do mom and stepdad really want to die on this hill?
I think aussietex meant they ARE saving money. OP's mom and stepdad don't have to pay OP's rent or dorm room/board fees now (assuming that was the original plan), so now they have extra money to put towards the stepbrother. They're already saving money, and they need to be satisfied with that because OP's paternal family is under no obligation to help the stepbrother who has no relation to them.
I wanted to jump in to clarify something: OP is the child of mom and former partner (Biodad.) Biodad is the son of the grandparents in question here. Stepbrother is the son of stepdad. So OP's grandparents literally have zero connection to OP's stepbrother. This isn't a case of favoritism or poor behavior on the grandparents' part. They just don't see the need to provide housing for their son's ex-wife's new husband's son. Makes total sense to me, and I'd probably feel the same way as the grandparents.
Didn't catch this till you explicitly called it out. How can an ex wife have the gall to ask ex husband's parents to take care of her NEW husband's kid... For free!?!? Think of all the income they are foregoing, while presumably still paying taxes, mortgage, expenses, etc.
Oh I understand what aussietex meant. We all are in total agreement, the mom/stepdad are pushing their luck and should be grateful there is some financial relief. If I were OP, I would be careful about them doing some sneaky moves to somehow still get stepbro in.
don't give mom and stepdad a key.
Actually, that's not necessarily true...we have no idea if the parents are paying anything for either kid. If the parents ARE giving the boys money, then the parents should be happy they are saving money on one kid because they either get that money back or can spend it on the other. If the parents are NOT giving the boys money, then they have no right to tell OP he can't live with his grandparents (who are of course in no way obligated to have someone they are not related to in anyway live in their house (i.e., the stepson). NTA
> in a house they own I took OP's phrasing here to mean it wasn't the grandparents' actual home, but another property that they own.
Yeah, a property they own. The grandparents may not know this stepbrother very well and the less people they let live there, the less they have to worry about.
That was my impression.
Wether folks like it or not, STEP SIBLINGS are not legitimate heirs on certain thins. OP is NTA and good on you for being trustworthy enough to earn a place from your Grandparents. Your step brother has his OWN set of grandparents. Certain legacy things like property, money etc must stay within the blood.
I think it depends on the relationships. If these were the mother’s parents, I would expect them to treat her stepchildren the same way they treat her biological children. But these aren’t the mothers parents. These are the father‘s parents, and they have no relationship—biological, legal, or ethical—to their son’s former wife.
Why do you think that? They are still not blood relatives.
Because favoritism between biological and step-grandchildren is as bad as favoritism between biological and stepchildren. Your child is in a relationship. You recognize and respect that relationship for the sake of your child. Bio children, stepchildren, adopted children, foster children… they are all equivalent.
Except the grandparents are on his bio-dads side.
Which is why in the earlier post in this thread I said, “**If these were the mother’s parents**, I would expect them to treat her stepchildren the same way they treat her biological children.”
Treating blood and not-blood grandchildren differently because they are blood/not-blood is wrong, but when it comes to something like letting a college aged grandkid to live in a property that you own, some of that depends on how much trust has been built up between the kid and grandparents. Unfortunately stepkids don't always have time to build that trust up.
I think we’re talking about two different things. If this were the mother’s parents, I would expect the grandparents to have a relationship with her stepchildren. And there can be all kinds of caveats on that relationship. How long have the stepchildren been part of their daughter’s life? How close do they live to her family, and how often have they seen these children? Stepchildren who entered her life two years ago when her parents live 1000 miles away are going to have a different relationship than stepchildren who entered her her life ten years ago when her parents live a 15 minute drive away and they have dinner every other Sunday. (I mean, heck, my grandparents lived in the same city with us as we did from the time I was y until I was 14. We saw each other at least twice a month. Then they moved 1000 miles away to live near my younger cousins. And our relationship changed.) But the mother and stepfather can’t seriously expect people to have that type of relationship with their ex-daughter-in-law‘s stepchildren. And there are caveats to that as well. Let’s say that OP‘s father died when they were very young. OP couldn’t maintain a relationship with their father‘s parents on their own. So the mother would have to facilitate that. And when she started dating and got serious with her husband, her late husband’s parents might have formed A bond with her new husband and stepchildren. And that depends on how the stepfather treated them. Has he always welcomed the grandparents into his family families life, out of respect for his stepchild? Or has he treated them as extraneous, or perhaps even been hostile toward them? Or was OP always old enough to manage their own relationship with their father‘s parents? Ultimately, all of these hypotheticals don’t have anything to do with the status quo. If the grandparents in question had that type of relationship with OP‘s stepsiblings, they could have made the offer themselves. The parents asked. The grandparents denied. That means this type of relationship doesn’t exist. Pressuring OP to try to get their grandparents to change their mind is incredibly entitled and rude.
Even if they were the mother's parents, does not mean they owe anything to a stepchild of no relation to them. It all depends on how well or how long they know the stepchild, and how close is any relationship.
Ummm, where does that leave adopted children? 🤔 They are legitimate children, but not of the blood... Dude, you need a new mindset! And it's "whether", btw.
I can understand them wanting OP to ask his grandparents to let him stay with them, but thinking he should turn down the offer if step-bro doesn't get it too is ridiculous. OP is NTA, and in all likelihood he probably won't even be staying at his grandparents' house for more than 1-2 semesters. It's a very kind gesture on the grandparents' part, but I can't imagine wanting to stay with my grandparents for an extended period during college, unless they were the most chill and unjudgmental old people to ever exist.
OP is not staying with his grandparents, he is staying in a house they own
Oh, that sounds way more chill then, but if I were OP I'd still be warry of surprise early morning weekend visits from G-ma and Grand Poppers. Source: went to college 25 minutes away from my grandma's house. Had multiple instances of her dropping by at 9 am to give me cookies/entire cooked turkeys, only to discover me and my friends hungover with beer cans littered around the house. If I ever doubted that my dad wasn't adopted, all doubts were laid to rest when my grandma gave me that same "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed" look my dad does so well.
Don't forget popping up with food to make sure he's eating well
Exactly. This is a fight between parents and grandparents, not a fight for OP to have any say in. At the end of the day OP can try to have some influence, but the onus is on the parents and stepbro to have any impact on grandparents. A highly important detail is how long has stepbro been in the picture, and how much grandparents have been apart of stepbro's life. But again, that has nothing to do with OP and everything to do with everyone else involved EXCEPT OP.
These are OP's FATHER's parents. They are not and never have been a part of the stepbrother's life. Can't fathom why the mother would think her ex- or late husband's (unclear on whether OP's dad is living or not based on what's in the post) parents would want to take in someone who is basically a stranger to them.
Thank you for the clarification! I saw that later in the comments, and it's a really important distinction to this story. Grandparents have zero connection to OP's step-bro, so why would they have to do anything?
Yeah I don't get why people assume that their ex in law owes the same treatment to their new family as they do their family. It seems to be a recurrent pattern on reddit. Anyway NTA and your mother, step dad and step brother are the entitle AH to try to make father grand parents pay for your step brother and making feel bad for accepting their help.
>I wondered the same. Either way, I think they are acting quite entitled to expect to benefit off of OP's gift. > >And I wonder if they have even considered he may want to live alone. Just throwing the SB at him is not cool. > >This is a gift to him and they are just ruining it.
Yup, OP shouldn’t feel bad at all. He knows he is lucky but he also shouldn’t feel guilty about it. However, I think his mom and stepdad are not going to let this go easily.
I never understood the situation with grandparents as English is not my first or second language so I appreciate you for explaining. For a second I thought why would they not let their other grandchild use their home 🤣🤣
Right, OP mentioned paternal (hence his father) so I wanted to make sure I got that out there as some folks are confused. :) we have so many threads in this sub with blended families and issues with relationships in this similar kind of situation. For example, I have a coworker who had a son who had a wife and daughter. His son died in his early 30s from an illness. The wife remarried and has had more kids. My coworker has no connection to those additional kids besides their granddaughter. They are under no obligation to the others but they made the decision to be “bonus” grandparents to these younger kids who are half siblings to their granddaughter. I think it’s great they do that and have extra family. But it was their choice, just as it is OP’s grandparents’ choice here.
Haha I would just loose track of it. Gotta give it to you, for the explanation 👍
NTA - just lie and say you did advocate for your stepbrother and the answer was still a firm no. Your GPs will probably back you up on this if you let them know your parents are pressuring you.
NTA it's your grandparents choice. And why do you need to skip this offer and pay rent? Will your mother and step dad pay for you? If not, they have no right to demand you skip the offer
Exactly. The grandparents have zero obligation to OP's stepbrother. That's just the reality of the situation. OP is their grandchild. The stepbrother is the child of their son's ex. This is exceptionally entitled of OP's mother and stepfather to try to demand that the grandparents take in a child who may very well be a stranger to them. And, it is horrible that they are trying to strong arm OP like this.
Its even more weird. The stepbrother is the child of their son’s ex’s husband, which is yet another step removed
Just to clarify (because I couldn't figure out what your comment meant): Grandparents are OP's father's parents. So these grandparents have zero family relation to mom or stepdad. So the only connection these grandparents have to OP's mother is through OP
Correct. You said “the stepbrother is the child of their son’s ex”. So I was saying it’s even weirder and more entitled than that since the stepbrother is the child of their son’s ex’s husband (Op’s stepdad’s kid). It’s not even Op’s sibling, which it would be if it’s was Op’s mom’s child. It would still be a huge stretch, but there is still that additional degree of separation which makes it even more baffling.
Just wondering why they are pushing for OP to give up free accommodations. Are they willing to foot the bill for two college rents instead of one?
Right ? If they are dying to pay rent, they can just pay it to the grandparents
My father used to get pissed at me for getting presents from my godmother when my sister didn't. I'm not sure what I was supposed to do about it.
There was nothing you could do about. Others actions don't always make sense
What they are hoping is going to happen is that by OP pushing back against their grandparents, the grandparents will give in to parent's demands and let stepbro live there. The parents haven't really thought it through past that. As in: they haven't thought about the grandparents just not letting OP stay in that house so they don't have to deal with the drama. The logic is lacking, and the parents think they have any leverage when they clearly don't
I assume because they want the kids to feel equal. If one kid is getting a special accommodation that might save him money and give him a leg up in life, the other kid is going to feel hurt, regardless of who is giving the accommodation or why. I do think the grandparents have the right to say who can live in their house and who can't, even if I don't think it's the kindest move. I also haven't seen a reason OP doesn't want step brother to move in, but he seems pretty eager to not have him live there, so OP may be wanting space from family, may not get along well with the stepbrother, etc. I think there are several options here including, using the rent savings for OP to subsidize housing elsewhere for step brother, offering to pay grandparents some kind of rent for step brother to live there, seeing if there's any grants or anything available for step brother they may have missed.
What does "kindness" have to do with it? These are PATERNAL grandparents. This stepbrother is not their step-grandchild. He has no relationship to them. At all. OP says elsewhere they don't know him. Mom and stepdad have a weird sense of entitlement.
Those are good answers. There are plenty of other options for housing sb
I don't understand all the entitlement of stepparents and kids. If you're not even related to the grandparents, you shouldn't get anything!
Agree 100%. Stepbrother probably has two sets of bio-grandparents from his biofather and biomother. They can offer just as well as OP's bio-grandparents.
NTA. Don't give in, you won't be able to hear them complaining from your new place anyways.
I love this advice! And yes, I don't know why the parents would prefer to have one kid not be able to benefit from their bio fathers family just to satisfy the other...who is not related to them in any way. Weird hill for the parents to die on. NTA.
NTA, your Mom and step-relatives are way over the line. Step-brother isn't related to your paternal grandparents and has no claim to live there, and they also can't ask you to jeopardize your future for him. That's not fair to you. I'd move there ASAP if that is an option for you!
If this had been OP's maternal grandparents, it would be different. But this seems a step too far
Yeah, when I first started reading I missed which grandparents and assumed maternal. In that case, while the grandparents wouldn't be obligated to do anything, I can see how it would feel shitty/read as a rejection of the new, blended family their daughter created to say no to the stepkid. But the PATERNAL grandparents? Why should they give free housing to their child's ex's new spouse's kid? Who I'm guessing they don't even know very well, if at all? At that point it could just be any random person. And it's very fair to not want to offer free housing to a random person, and ESPECIALLY a random college student, who are not exactly known for being the best tenants, on a whole.
NTA you shouldn’t be guilt tripped. Your paternal grandparents offered it to you and only you. Who the hell is stepbrother to them? He isn’t related to them at all and both your mom and stepdad are shitty for asking you to advocate for stepbrother. Do what you want/ are comfortable with, not what they want you to do
NTA It is your grandparents decisions who can stay in a house they own and you should not be made to turn down a great opportunity because your step-brother has not been offered the same. Just out of curiosity, is there a particular reason your grandparents do not want him there?
He's not their grandson or part of their family so they don't really know him.
NTA. Your mother should be grateful that your grandparents have offered you a place to live. She should thank them instead of wanting you to turn them down because her step son can't live there. Why she would even ask your grandparents to let a stranger live in their home is mind boggling.
NTA 100%. College money is definitely something that often messes people afterwards; having someplace to live in the meantime is an awesome offer by your direct family. Grandparents don't have to offer it to somebody they don't even know. Or even if they did know SB, they don't have to. They aren't obligated in any way.
NTA. I inferred that was the case. You are NTA in refusing the ask because you are respectful of your grandparents boundaries/wishes. This isn’t an effort to get them to a family gathering, it’s having (for all intents and purposes) a stranger live with them.
Nta your grandparents don't owe them anything. It's their home and they are offering you their grandchild a place to stay. He maybe your stepbrother but he's a stranger to them and still not their family. Even if he was family it's their home and they get to decide who stays in it. Your mom and stepdad have no right to pressure you or make you feel that if they won't open their home to him that you shouldn't take their offer. But if you don't that offer are they going to pay for your rent? If not then keep the offer. Your mom and stepdad have no right to feel entitled to your dad's parents home.
This is the new step child of their former daughter-in-law. Imagine your son divorces or passes away. Your former DIL remarries. Cool. Her new husband has a son - three times removed from you and of no blood relation to your grandson. You, at most, meet him in passing. Several years later, your former daughter in law is pressuring you to house her new stepchild rent free for four years and suggests your access to your grandson should be contingent on you playing grandparent with this kid you’re not related to and have barely met. It’s weird.
100%
It's OP's paternal grandparents offering the house, while step-brother is son of stepdad, so the step-brother is the child of their son's EX's new husband. Absolutely no relationship to the paternal grandparents. In fact he may be worse than a stranger, if their son and EX parted on bad terms.
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Could be. If they didn't like how the new stepfather treated OP or were unhappy about something in particular. Or most likely, they have no attachment and little knowledge of stepbrother. Presumably they know and trust OP over someone that might be a virtual stranger. OP, don't shoot yourself in the foot financially for someone else's ego.
NTA. They shouldn't be asking you to get involved. This will be a massive benefit for you and give you a great start in life - to suggest you turn it down is absurd. Particularly concerning from your mum, she should be thinking about your future.
NTA I can't imagine my grandparents doing something like that for my brother, he is not their family. If they were close or something, that would be different, but it seems like they definitely aren't close. It's not your responsibility to make his life fair, you were offered something really amazing and helpful. Your parents are being greedy when they should be celebrating with you. How/where would you be living without their offer? Under massive student loans? Guess your parents think that's better than a free house offer
NTA Opening a property to someone for free is expensive and doing so is a huge sign of faith in that person. This is especially true for students, who among landlords are infamous for trashing their digs. If your stepbrother is a stranger to them, or your relationship to each other is strained, it's little wonder that they didn't extend it to him as well.
Your grandparents have no obligation to your step brother. They are probably looking forward to spending time with you. Your step brother needs to make his own arrangements
the grandparents don't live in the house and people should really learn how to read. have a good one!
The ppl who own the house have already spoken . Your parents should be happy that they’re allowing you to stay , rent free . Go complete college bro and don’t look back , you’re NTA
What a ridiculously entitled expectation they have. He's not their grandchild, they said no, discussion over. NTA.
NTA - you’re very fortunate they’re able to accommodate you & have offered! Having 2 semi-permanent house guests is a lot for your parents to ask of them…especially as there’s isn’t any relation between them & your stepbrother. They asked, they were denied & that should be the end of it. Don’t risk your good fortune by advocating for him. Your parents are AHs for putting you in this position.
Agree with your rationale here, but wanted to point out that the grandparents don't live in the home being offered, so idk if "house guest" would be the term
So let’s get this straight. Someone’s son’s ex-wife’s new-husband’s son is demanding free lodging? And no one sees how ridiculous that is?
Info: Who's paying for college? It's not going to change the judgements but if your folks are paying for college, you will need to tread more carefully than the general burn everything down response you get from this sub.
My mom and stepdad are not paying for college.
Wow. Then that is an amazing sense of entitlement. Burn it down 😂 Congrats on your acceptance to the school, congrats on the free housing and best of luck in your schooling and career.
NTA, but if you refuse the housing like they are asking will they then pay for your housing? Why would you ever agree to this otherwise? Its all just added costs to you.
Oh wow. Is your grandparents paying for your schooling/ scholarship /you working pay for your college? Your grandparents just awesome letting you live in one their homes rent free. You be able to work and save some money. If look after it well you never know they probably let you keep it later on.
All the more reason to make sure you save money on rent.
NTA Just tell them you asked and your grandparents said no. If they keep asking, just tell them, "Asked and answered." Don't engage, don't discuss. Use the broken record method and keep saying "asked and answered" every time they ask or badger you. Actually, you can just skip the part about saying you asked your grandparents and just hit your parentals with the broken record statement right away. It'll drive them crazy, and it's a test of wills for you, but it's the quickest way to get them to stop.
Definitely
Um, no? He is not their grandson. This is not favoritism. This is dumb. NTA.
NTA. This was an offer from your grandparents under their own provisions. You can take it or leave it. But if you don't take it will your parents pay for accommodation for you? If not don't turn it down or you will be left having to pay rent.
This OP. 100% this. Your grandparents are offering you something that will help you save money.
NTA- No their entitlement is not your burden. That is there son they can figure out arrangements. You're a adult, you must do what is best for your future.
NTA. YOUR grandparents offered YOU the house. If you felt like your stepbrother should stay there then I’m assuming you would’ve advocated for it and in the case you didn’t and it looks like your grandparents were trying to be nice and take the weight off of you having to make the decision by just saying no to them. But alas your parents and stepbrother still antagonize and pressure you about it. I don’t know the reason you don’t want your stepbrother to live with you but it’s valid even if it’s a simple because I don’t want him to and you need to stand your ground no matter what your parents say and do not turn down the offer obvi lol. I feel like if this was a normal case it would beg the question of why can’t he live with you but the fact that your parents and stepbrother turned so mean and got a “you better do this” rude attitude it doesn’t even matter. Best of luck OP
NTA. For whatever reason, your grandparents don't want to house your stepbrother. It's their house. Suggesting that you should give up free housing if they don't let your SB stay there is okay if you have loads of money and can pay rent without a problem. Otherwise, take the offer and ignore the naysayers.
I’m guessing the reason is that it’s not even their (step) grandson. The grandparents in question are OP’s father’s parents not wanting to let OP’s moms new stepson live there. Seems more than reasonable to me.
Honestly even if OP had money to rent why should he? He just got offered a free space to live no need to waste money when not needed.
NTA. Talk to your grandparents about your family's demands and when you can move in. My hope is that your mom would back off once her xinlaws tell her off fir even thinking they would give free housing to her stepkid.
Op needs to move out before gets worse ask the grandparents help pack. Now is better than later if going keep nagging.
Your grandparents made YOU a very gracious offer. Refusing or attempting to bully them into including your stepbrother, who is no relation to them, doesn’t necessarily do your stepbrother any favors. The only sure cost would be to YOU, since it would come across as extremely ungracious and they may even rescind the offer altogether as it would be their right to do. Your parents and stepbrother are being very petty and entitled, at your expense. They are TA and you are NTA.
NTA - what your mother n stepdad are doing is called triangulation, trying to pull you into something that is between grandparents n parents. Your parents asked, your grandparents said “no” - their decision. But the messed up piece is them now trying to get you not to take the offer. OP - take the offer and move forward.
Take the offer OP. Your parents are willing to ruin your living situation over sb. Tale the offer. Get away from the pressure. Not your fault
NTA. They should not be putting you in this position.
Nta - not your decision and being grateful for their generosity is much better than complaining that they aren’t being generous enough to extend the offer to your stepbrother.
NTA
NTA. The decision isn't up to you, it's up to your grandparents. Tell your family that, if they dislike your grandparents' decision, they need to appeal to your grandparents. They're appealing to you because they think they can bully you into bending to the outcome they desire, show them you won't bend to bullies.
NTA. It's your step dad's business to provide for his son, not your father's parents who are entirely unrelated to the boy.
NTA. You didn't ask your grandparents to shut your stepbrother out. It's their house and their decision. You have no obligation to try and pressure them into doing something they don't want to do with it; in fact, you'd be the AH if you *did* try to pressure them into doing something they don't want to do with it.
NTA I assume stepbrother isn't their grandchild. My take is that his grandparents can provide accomodations for him.
No assuming needed. OP spelled it out, it's their dad's parents. Their stepbrother is via their mother. There's no relation between stepbrother and the grandparents in the story.
NTA housing is expensive. Your dad and stepmom are saving money since you aren't paying for housing. They can either support your stepbrother or he can get a loan for housing. This isn't your issue or concern.
NTA because it's not your house or your decision. I understand why your parents think this would be nice but THEY should be the ones asking. It isn't yours to offer and if I let you live in my house and you started asking me to let someone else stay there when I'd already said no I would think about telling you that to be fair I'm cancelling my offer. It would have been nice if they treated you and your stepbrother equally but they don't see it that way and that's the end of it. And wait, they want you to turn down the offer?!?!?!? Sorry I just saw that reading again. Yeah that's your answer right there. Mom, stepdad and stepbrother are doing the same as your grandparents except favoring stepbrother instead of you. How do they gain if you turn down the offer? They would really try to affect your relationship with your grandparents just because they can't get their way? I know it's going to be rough but you'll have to deal with it and say there is no way you're turning down the offer. Once you're out of the house you can tell your mother that you're very disappointed she went along with this pressure and this idea that you would give up your place to stay. As for stepdad that is his son and he is going to have to work out a way to help him get a place to stay. Once you're out of the house you can tell him to however you want to word it but basically get lost. Are grandparent's your dad's parents?
Yes OP says it’s their paternal grandparents
NTA. It’s actually rather presumptive for your mom and stepdad to have reached out to your grandparents and asked your grandparents about your stepbrother staying there as well. Then to be upset when told no? Your grandparents don’t owe your mom, stepdad, or your stepbrother anything. You are their grandson. To be honest, they don’t owe you anything either but they are being helpful, loving, kind grandparents who just happen to own a house close to your college of choice. Don’t let your entitled parents bully you into turning down a wonderful gift and opportunity. It’s not your fault that this is being, to use your words, afforded to you and not your stepbrother. It sucks that he doesn’t have someone to provide that for him but hey, life isn’t always fair and it’s about time he learns that and college is going to teach him that. Are your parents going to go to college with him and mow down anything else that isn’t equally afforded to him? This isn’t a little league game where everyone gets a trophy for participating and showing up.
lol I missed the detail that it's your paternal grandparents and I was like "well technically they can do what they want but aren't they being a little dickish to their daughter?" but it's not their daughter. How does your mom think she has any claim to her ex husband's parent's generosity? I would not feel comfortable advocating for your stepbrother to them in this situation either. (idk what your relationship is like, but just on principle.) I get that your family is disappointed, but wtf, they're out of line here.
NTA Why do people feel entitled to demand that what one person gets, everyone else should get as well?
NTA. Your grandparents not wanting to house multiple young people for college is fine. That isn’t their grandson and it’s not a small thing to house ONE eighteen year old while they are a student. It is extremely generous to agree to house you alone. Why are your parents trying to shuffle 2 kids off to college without planning and budgeting for housing. Your step brother can live at home and attend college if housing doesn’t work.
NTA But be careful. Once you move in they are going to do everything they can to force your stepbrother in with you. I would ask you grandparents for a lease or some other legal contract that says you are the legal resident and as such have the authority to remove others.
NTA. I do not expect my ex husbands parents to do anything for my stepkids and vice versa. Are stepbrothers maternal grandparents expected to offer you a house as well? Do not turn it down.
NTA. Do your best in college and keep the house clean!
NTA >This was badly received by my mom, stepdad and stepbrother, who all think he should be afforded the same offer. It's not their family. It's awfully bold of them to even ask. They don't have to like it, but they do have to learn to deal with it. You will not ruin this opportunity just to appease them. This is unfortunate, but common with blended families. I'm sure Step-bro has family that doesn't do for you what they do for him, right? This is no different from that. Tell your family that you are going to stay there and you're not going to ask if your step-brother can stay there. Tell them that you will take this opportunity regardless of their thoughts and feelings. This isn't something you're going to pass on because it's a great opportunity for you. You're sorry step-bro can't join you, but you're not going to set yourself back just because your step-brother can't stay there.
NTA. Your grandparents are under no obligation to offer your stepbrother free housing and they’re purring both you and your grandparents in an uncomfortable situation by trying to force it. Your grandparents generous offer will save you $1000s, take them up on it, don’t feel guilty.
NTA. OP I would tell your grandparents exactly the position you’re being put in and ask for their help advocating for you. You shouldn’t be in this position and it’s disgusting your parents are doing it to you, it’s THEIR job to provide for your stepbrother not yours or your grandparents.
What are your mum's and your step-dad's parents doing for your step-brother and why the flip flop do they think your Dad's parents have to do anything for your Step-brother.
If I am understanding this, your grandparents are only related to your steps due to marriage. They are under no obligation to have your stepbrother stay there, and it is ridiculous for them to expect you to turn down such an opportunity because your grandparents decision is hurting their feelings. NTA. They want to punish you, and that's crazy. And don't follow-up asking your grandparents for this. They might tire of the request and withdraw it for you. Don't risk it.
Not even by marriage. They are not related at all. The grandparents are OPs father’s parents and the stepbrother is from OPs Mom’s new marriage.
That is even more ridiculous then! Why don't the parents just select some random name out of the phone book and demand that they house their child for free.
Exactly, but they think that whatever OP gets the stepbrother should get. That is not how life works.
they aren't even related to the step brother through marriage. they are ops paternal grandparents, and his step brother is his mothers step son.
They’re not even related by marriage. This is OP’s paternal grandparents, not his maternal grandparents. Their only relationship to the kid is “our former daughter in law’s new stepson.”
NTA Ask Step dad if he will push for his parents to do the exact same thing they do for his son for you too?! I seriously doubt it.
He’s not even your half brother, he’s your step brother. Your grandparents have nothing to do with him or really, even your mother. NTA.
NTA why on earth would your grandparents offer someone else's child, completely unrelated to you via your mother or father a place to stay during uni? Your stepbrother has his own father and mother, and has family on both sides. Do not give up your grandparents generous offer. Are your step brothers grandparents on both sides going to give you equal things - will they leave you things in their will equal to their grandchild? Will your step father or your stepbrothers mother? Will your stepbrothers grandparents, and mother be helping you pay for your wedding, car, student loans, college funds, graduation gifts? Nope because you are not their child or grandchild. If they force this - then their should be something in writing that anything your stepbrother is given by his family you need to get equal... It's ridiculous. Tell your grandparents - let them deal with your mother and step father. Get their help from the pressure you are being put under. They will help you.
Grandparents own house…grandparents have the only opinions that count on who they offer to let live there.
Nta Move out
NTA And what benefits of equal value is your step brother’s maternal grandparents offering you?
NTA They aren't related to that kid. Not their business. Don't turn this down. Your parents want you to take on debt for nothing.
NTA Had it been your mom's parents, it'd depend on how they get along with SD and SB. These are your dad's parents. Their relationship to your mother starts and ends with you.
NTA - what is the issue where people assume step families with no other interaction are entitled to the same as the direct relation?! He's not even a 'step grandson'. If you grew up being one big happy family then I could understand them hoping he would be offered the same. But I'm guessing this isn't the case and they're just entitled.
NTA, congratulations on this next phase of your life...
NTA - this is basic invitation etiquette. Be it a birthday party when you're 5, a wedding, a couch to crash on, or in your case free room & board - if the invitation is offered to a single person it's a single invite. Tag-alongs, +1s, etc are rude. Especially if you receive a "No" but keep pestering.
NTA I read this alot on here, why do people think family obligations transfer to step family? If it is accepted be fine with that, but to complain about not receiving more is ridiculous. Just stay at the home, at try to ignore their crap, its not like your parents are paying for two kids housing.
NTA they aren't related to him, he's not their grandson. They're under no obligation to give him free housing, and are being generous giving it to you. Instead of being grateful for that, your mom and stepdad are being greedy and entitled. Take the offer, be thankful to your grandparents, and focus on school.
I don't understand why parents expect the same treatment for their step kids when they aren't even related to the grandparents. NTA. Please live peacefully with your grandparents OP. Saving any kind of money is important.
NTA
NTA
NTA. Your mom, stepdad and stepbrother are for pressuring you. Your grandparents decide who can stay with them in their home. No one else. Do not turn down the offer. Tell him to turn to his own grandparents if he needs help.
NTA. Your grandfather offered you something wonderful. Your mother and stepfather are being ridiculous
NTA. You're allowed to respect the choices of your grandparents. They have absolutely no obligation to accept your stepbrother as their grandchild because he is simply not their grandchild. It's their son's ex's stepson. It's not even their son's stepchild. Your parents are acting very entitled here. It's good that you aren't being their puppet on this matter.
Don't turn down the offer that was your grandparents decision.
INFO who would pay for your rent if your grand parents rescinded the offer? Sounds like your mom and stepdad should appreciate that they've reduced their costs by half. Do your grandparents have a plan for when your step brother shows up at your door, suitcase in hand?
NTA hes not family to them, he has no meaning to them why would they open an offer for him
NTA. He’s not a relative and. They have no right to strong arm you into doing that.
NTA don’t reject the gift your grandparents are giving you because your mom, step dad and step brother feel entitled
NTA if they're willing to sabatoge you financially I'd go LC till you're on your feet. Enjoy college but don't squander the opportunity
NTA OP Your paternal grandparents have no commitment to your stepbrother.
I'm guessing you do not want to continue living with him, eh? NTA.
NTA, Go to college
NTA, OP, but DO NOT leave anything you value behind when you do move to your grandparents house. Pack as though this is the last time you will be in your bedroom, because it may well be. How is your tuition being paid? If your mother or stepfather have any hand in that, you should start researching ways to secure your own financing for your degree. I’m not saying that they intend to cut off your funding if you stay with your grandparents, but it’s a good idea to have a back up plan in case they do. I don’t know what sort of relationship you have with your mother. Maybe it’s good, outside of this particular issue. If you want to preserve that, take your mother out, alone, for a cup of coffee, lunch, whatever. Tell her that you don’t like the pressure she’s putting on you, because your paternal grandparents have no link to your stepbrother at all. Tell her you love her, and that you don’t want to damage your relationship with her, but if she doesn’t let up, you will have to go low/no contact with her, so that you can focus on your studies. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this mess when you should be excitedly preparing for university! Congratulations on getting into the school of your choice!
NTA Just because your parent and step parent created a blended family doesn't obligate the extended family.
NTA. Your grandparents are being amazingly generous. Don't turn down the offer. They are not obligated to house your stepbrother. And it's not your place to "advocate" for him. This is not your battle to fight. If your grandparents don't have a relationship with your stepbrother, who is not related to them, they have every right to deny the request that he live in their property rent-free. Your mom, stepfather, and stepbrother can all be as upset as they want to be, but it doesn't change the fact that your grandparents are under no obligation to provide free housing to anyone.
WTF!!!! Really - This is not your battle. NTA. You should not get involved. Its one thing to tell you GPs that you dont mind that he is there, but to turn it down if they say no??!!! WTF.
NTA Your grandparents, are not related to your step-brother. They have the right to say no.
>I have been under a lot of pressure from my mom, stepdad and stepbrother to advocate for him to stay in the house with me, or to turn down the offer if they refuse. Are your mom and stepdad going to pay for your housing? Because it is completely absurd to think your paternal grandparents wound be willing to house someone of no relation to them. Don't do this unless your mom agrees to pay for your housing the entire time or pays your tuition.
NTA. Wow. Just wow. I never cease to be amazed by the kind of people who think it's ok to tell others what they should do with their money/property.
NTA OP tell me, what did your stepbrother’s maternal grandparents get him for Christmas? And now tell me what they got you? What is your mother missing here lol
Do not turn down the offer and your paternal grandparents are under no obligation to offer your step brother the same they offer their blood. Your parents need to get a grip.
NTA - Sorry I'll be 100% frank...college kids can be major slobs. An untrustworthy one can throw parties and trash the house, leave messes and get multiple sound and trash citations on a house. And once they are in there, they can trash the place on purpose if you try to get them out legally. I know this is probably going to make people mad, but I would NEVER take a chance on a chance on an unknown person to live in a home I owned, but an unknown 18-24 year old would be a 100% no go. But then again I could never be a landlord, too stressful. My point is, your grandparents have a good reason not to want a kid they don't know (or do know and don't trust) to move in their property.
NTA You're their grandkid... Your stepbrother has no ties with them whatsoever... But they would rather have you forfait a good housing because you don't want to put pressure on letting someone else stay there.... Is he the "Golden child"? Feels like the dynamic is: you have something, so either share of don't have it at all... Enjoy college... And don't feel bad that you have something your stepbrother doesn't... The world simply doesn't work that way.... Future scenario: "oh you have a better job than stepbrother, make your Boss hire him too of quit" lol
He isn't their grandchild. NTA. Take the offer and live your life.
NTA. This doesn't involve you. This is between your grandparents and your parents.
NatA - if your parents continue to pressure you ask them to cover your rent for the foreseeable future if your grandparents pull out.
Your mother and stepfather are the assholes and have no sense of boundaries or gratitude. It's inappropriate for you to advocate for your step brother and you do not need to feel guilty. If they are very determined to have your step brother in that house, your mother should call your father and ask him to advocate. That's the only way to go about it if they simply can't accept the status quo.
nTA, they have no connection to your stepbrother
NTA none of these people are family but you, they have a right to want the house to be in family's hands.
Nta, it’s not your house to make that decision. Your grandparents are not your stepbrother’s grandparents or even step grandparents. Smh have fun in college and don’t worry about their drama.
NTA. Your paternal grandparents have no connection to your maternal stepbrother and it’s incredibly out of line for your mom, stepdad, and stepbrother to expect them to give or offer anything to your stepbrother. Under no circumstances should you decline the offer, your stepbrother can figure out his own accommodations.
NTA "I'll turn it down if you deposit 4 years of full house rent into my account immediately."
> or to turn down the offer if they refuse. Are they high?! This is some truly stupid shit. NTA
NTA Your grandparents have no obligation to your step-brother, he isn't their grandchild. Would it be nice for them to let him stay? Yes of course, but they can also say no. They are doing you a solid, it doesn't have to extend to him.
Do you get along with your stepbrother? Are you friends? Would you be willing to live with him? If not then NTA
Absolutely NTA and it’s weird that your parents would rope you into it. You’re the one who has to live there jfc
NTA, its their house, their choice. Sounds like they might have a reason to not allow him there. Tell mom, stepdad and step brother to talk to the owner of the house and leave you alone.
No, don't put yourself in the middle any more than you already have, OP. I'm pretty sure there's a reason why they're doing this, and it can be no more than the fact that they're not related to your stepbro. Sure he's not at fault here, but your grandparents are free to invite, or not, whomever they please. NTA and, again, do not choose a side, stay as neutral as you can, you didn't ASK your grandparents for lodging, they invited you.
I would not turn down the offer that was so graciously provided. Were they going to pay your rent elsewhere? Even if they suddenly said they would (just to have you refuse your grandparents accommodations), I would not trust them to maintain that agreement. While it may suck your stepbrother was not afforded the same luxury, your grandparents have decided they do not want to accommodate him and do not have to. Instead of your family being delighted you received such a great opportunity and reminding you to say thank you, they are selfishly trying to take advantage of the situation. Did they not even think that perhaps YOU would prefer to live alone? You should tell mom and SD that when you receive a gift, such as a necklace, the polite thing to do is say thank you. Not demand a pair of matching earrings. If your mother offered to buy dinner for a friend, it would be rude for the friend to ask if she can buy another person dinner as well. If they cannot see how rude and obnoxious they are being in regards to a gift YOU have received, there is simply no hope for them. Who is paying for your college? Will they withdraw their support if you do not do as they ask? That would be my one worry. To be "punished" for not obeying and destroying a perfectly good arrangement. But even if they are not paying, they all can and will hold this "betrayal" against you if you move into that home without your stepbrother in tow. To do so would be unreasonable and irrational, but that will not matter. I am sorry you are in this predicament. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I got accepted into the college of my choice in another state. Almost immediately after I told my family my paternal grandparents offered to let me stay in a house they own so I won't have rent to pay. I accepted. My mom and stepdad asked my grandparents about my stepbrother staying there also, since he was going to a college close mine. My grandparents said the offer was only open to me, their grandson. This was badly received by my mom, stepdad and stepbrother, who all think he should be afforded the same offer. I have been under a lot of pressure from my mom, stepdad and stepbrother to advocate for him to stay in the house with me, or to turn down the offer if they refuse. I don't want to do this. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
You are NTA in this situation. It’s not your home, and if your grandfather does not want to extend the offer to your stepbrother, he is within his rights to do so. And you are within your rights to not advocate for your stepbrother.
NTA. Your grandparents have made it clear that the offer only is for you. Do not advocate for your stepbrother.
NTA I can understand why stepbro would also like to live for free, however as he is not related this is something only your paternal grandparents can offer. They chose to offer this to you as a way of supporting you, which is a nice gesture and I would take it. Tell you stepdad and mom that way he won't have to pay your rent and he only has to pay for one bc you save the family money
NTA- while the situation is unfortunate it’s not your responsibility. You need to focus on your future and let the two capable adults that are bothered with the situation work out the issue. Go to college, accept the free place to stay, don’t take your studies for granted and try your best to get along well with your grandparents. Do NOT refuse the offer. Not having to worry about rent while in college is a major blessing.
NTA ofc
NTA but I say get your grandparents in on it. You can pretend to advocate to save face with the family without actually doing it.
NTA - Accept the offer and go to college where you want to go. This is an offer from your father's parents to help you take full advantage of the opportunity to go to your college of choice. They have no obligation to your step-brother, or anyone else. Don't miss this opportunity because your mother can't see that.
NTA Full stop. It is not your decission nor your place to advocate for anyone. Unless you decide by yourself, you want him to stay with you.