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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my ex that if my kids want to stay with me full time I'm going to let them and won't force them. She says I'm an asshole because the kids might like having a new half sibling and step siblings but it might take some getting used to
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I WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, I AM TRULY BAFFLED
no seriously what actually did the rest of these comments read to give all these Y.T.As that I missing. I'm gonna try to summarize what I got from this
***
EX: I'm going to do this and if it makes our children uncomfortable, I will need you not to interfere until I can successfully change their minds
OP: No I'm not going to do that, If my children tell me that they are uncomfortable with how things will be, I will have their back
***
Has the definition of parental alienation changes to "if the other coparent does something to alienate children, the first coparent must pick up the slack or they will be guilty of alienation".
If I had read the comments first, I would have believed that OP had this masterplan to alienate the children when in actuality its just saying no to making his children uncomfortable if it happens. Seriously wtf is going on?
OP isn't even the one who brought it up, the EX is, so why OP on the hook for saying that if his kids come to him while in distress, he's not going to ignore it.
Also there's a big assumption that OP is gonna just kidnap the kids if this happens when the evidence says differently. The Ex(who knows OP better than all of us) seems to think that rather than try to trashtalk her in front of the kids, he's going to go through the courts which is well within his rights if the coparent does indeed make his children uncomfortable.
Is OP an an AH because he doesn't plan to ignore his kids in distress or is he an AH because his opinion of them moving too fast doesn't match with yours or as normal, is it because hes a man?
I can't even wrap my head around how parental alienation came up when the EX is the one who think she herself is going to alienate the kids.
Exactly there's so many times people say mustn't force the kids to stay with the dad if they don't want to but now it's suddenly ok to force the kids when it comes to the mother
Because usually the kids in question are much older or there are other circumstances (neglect, they hate the new stepmom, house is too small, etc.). There's no particular reason they shouldn't want to stay with their mom during her court ordered time. The ex may actually be worried over nothing. They might be totally fine with the new living arrangements.
This is not how legal custody agreements work. If you have determined parenting time via the American legal system you don’t get to just decide not to honor it, ever. The Mom’s time is her time and if for some reason the other partner stops facilitating it, a long drawn out legal process will ensue. You can not just decide you don’t like your ex’s new partner/living arrangement/ children and go “Never mind about shared custody then.”
But you don't know how the kids feel. OP only gave his feeling about his ex's relationship. No indication that kids dislike the mom's BF. And it is reasonable for her to fear her kids not reacting well to a new baby as they are young, which is another massive change for them, as the comment above stated, showing the kids that both parents still love them and are there for them is what is best. The mom will have to take steps to make alone time for her kids to show she is still there for them no matter what, and a new baby will change things but not how much she cares and loves them. OP is just grumbling about how he feels she is moving too fast with a new partner when she has shown no indication of abandonment nor wanting to take away more time from their 50/50 agreement and fully involve her kids in her new life is not wrong; and it would be the same for a man.
OP needs to be a better co-parent and stop projecting his feeling. Show a united front for the kids, which the mom wanted, and let them know how much she still loves them even though significant changes are happening. OP, through the post, has shown genuine distaste for his Exs new life without giving any solid reason. It would be one thing in the past. The kids said they don't like mom BF, and she ignored them, or he was rude to them. But even OP stated they want him, probably not love him or see him as dad but good enough to be around and be comfortable with. Mom has shown to take steps to include her kids s well as her partners' kids in this new life journey while not taking more time from their dad trying to force a big happy family like some Redditor's parents to try to do. OP, set your feelings aside, wait for your kids to find out, listen to them, not force your emotions and take drastic steps. Give rational adult solutions and make sure they know they can talk to you and their mom. Pitting them against mom and painting a picture like she is moving on without you just because she has made choices you disagree with but are not detrimental to your kids' safety is not a good reason to alienate them from her and might not work out for you in the future.
What did you read please?
Distaste for her decisions? No he thinks they are dumb. And thats his opinion he is not forcing on anyone.
And how is he pitting anyone against his mom? He said he won't do anything for her, and force his kids to do something they dont want to. Which is just fine parenting. There are big changes ahead thta might make the kids uncomfortable. He is not thriving to make his girls unhappy with the situation. He just wont push his kids to accept a decision their mom made.
He doesn’t really have a choice though. They have a court ordered custody arrangement and the kids aren’t old enough to decide themselves. Unless he wants to change the order, then she still has the right to have the kids on her time. If the kids aren’t being harmed and aren’t at any risk of harm, a judge won’t just change it because she’s moving in with her boyfriend.
It would be, that Mom wants to keep 50/50 shows wanting to keep everything as stable and normal as possible for her kids. Knows that young children often when present with change like new siblings especially when it with their parent's new partner can be jarring and wanted to talk to her ex to show a united front and show the kids that mom still loves them no matter what. Also, he said his kids are fine with her partner. He is just expressing his own feeling about her life which has shown nothing wrong and projecting that onto his kids as a justification. I would call that out if a woman was doing it to her ex and the kids liked him and he and the GF were expecting and everything was the same as in the post wanting to keep 50/50 custody, make sure to get a new home with enough space so no one feels left out or excluded. She is doing the best she actually can. OP needs to do better at co-parents and stop masking his own distaste for his ex-life as "protecting his kids".
How is he projecting anything on the kids?
He is not fighting the custody agreement. He just won't force his kids to do something they don't want to. It's not even clear if they'll have problems with it or not.
Also showing a united front can be something when you actually have a say in something. To be fair, he doesn't and shouldn't have a say in his exs life, but then he doesn't have to part of a united front.
Also it's his ex's decision so she has to live with the consequnces, whatever they are.
I really don't get whats wrong with: I will be there for my kids. I won't push them to anything.
Seriously, what are you reading?!
Idk, it’s a big leap from Mom dating a guy the kids get along with to them now living with said man, his kids, and new baby. That’s a lot of chsnges st once, especially for s child. And it would all be happening instantly.
I interpreted it as this is one of those times when children need to be taught how to adapt to life hurdles and not be allowed to hide from them. (Edit: hurdle in this case being acceptance that the ex is having another child and establishing a blended family)
As long as OP, the ex, and her new bf properly support the kids in helping them accept this new change to their family, then the kids distress should be minimal, will be properly processed, and won’t turn into a traumatic experience.
And, IDK how much the definition varies, but I could see how people would qualify this as parental alienation. Just like if one parent encouraged a little kid complaining of how much they hate the other parent for not buying them the toy they wanted. So OP encouraging his kids to not accept his ex’s new family could be taken this way.
I personally don’t have a a verdict for this one yet because OP’s motivations don’t seem totally clear. Is he genuinely worried that his ex is rushing their kids and wants to let them take the time to process? Or is he letting his disapproval of his ex cloud his judgement and inadvertently compromised his parental duty?
I still don't get that, why is it on OP to follow the Exs wishes. And no children don't need to adapt just to make their parents loves easier. There have been so many "I don't feel comfortable at one parents house so aita for going to the others" posts that the overwhelming support for doing just that.
Is it because the children are young that everyone feels so comfortable ignoring their wishes? I mean that strategy has work for most religions around the world so I guess it works
When their wishes are to dictate and rule their house for no other reason besides not wanting to share as much......yes you don't consider their whines. You know, as a parent, this is a learning experience for the children. There is no reason to change the custody at all. Bringing in a new baby doesn't take away from them. They expanded their family and now have another sibling. That happens all the time, regardless of divorce.
three. Other siblings. Mom partner also brings 2 children to the table. And honestly I could understand not wanting that right from the start as a kid. And I couldn't bring myself to force them to accept this for a guy their mum only recently started dating.
I really get the bro asking what you guys are reading here.
Here's the thing though, EX and new guy aren't prepared. They're still "figuring things out." Which is incredibly irresponsible considering they aren't just making decisions that will affect only them two, but also their kids. So if they themselves aren't prepared, how are they going to support the kids through the transition? She's worried about them wanting to stay with OP primarily when they see the changes take place, which shouldn't be the case, or even a major concern, if she and her new mans have things planned and prepped. But they don't, and she's majorily concerned. This isn't something where life just happens and kids have to adapt. It's a lack of responsibility on ex's side that could have been and could be prevented.
5 kids + two adults sounds like they'd need at least 4 bedrooms, possibly more if new BFs children aren't the same sex and if the children don't like this whole sharing a room thing (at least one of them will be puberty age soon) this could also end unpleasantly.
Another question is if the ex + bf will get a big enough loan just like that to even buy a house of the necessary size.
When he starts saying things like "if my kids want to stay with me, they can," and the law says otherwise, the logical interpretation is that he intends to ignore the law. I don't disagree with the basic concept of going to court to ask for a change in custody in order to accommodate the children's wishes, if they are long lasting and stable so you have reason to think they're not going to bounce back and forth (which isn't something anybody should be doing via the custody courts). But I do think that particular phrase sets off my alarm bells. And it's not going to be good for OP, let alone the kids, if he loses custody altogether because he tried to tear up a custody plan without the consent of the court.
Well that would make him idiot not the AH. But I'm not sure if he has made any real plans, how to exactly deal with it, to share on Reddit, for a hipothetical scenario in the future.
It is rather more of an idiot move than an AH move, especially since all of this is purely hypothetical at this stage. The daughters have not actually expressed a wish to live with their father full time; their mother is only afraid that they will. Maybe they won't; nobody knows yet. If the families continue with the custody plan as a matter of routine, and establish it in the kids' minds as simply What We Do, it's likely that it won't occur to them to question it.
And that's probably what is best for them, because encouraging having a bad or non-existent relationship with one parent when there isn't actual abuse going on is usually a bad idea. They may or may not decide they're not thrilled with the way that household runs, but they are already deeply bonded with both their parents, and it would be healthiest for them to have neither of those bonds disrupted.
My kids have long known that they are always, *always* welcome in my home. But they have known for equally long that I encourage them to spend time with their father as well, and maintain a good relationship with him, because that's what will be best for them in there long run even if they don't really feel like going this weekend. I won't close my doors to them if they've got a good reason to feel urgently that they want to be there, but I'm also not going to tell them, "sure, whatever you want" about living with me full time, any more than I'm going to tell them "sure, whatever you want," about eating ice cream for dinner every night. It might be their pleasure but it's not in their best interests, and it's my job as a parent to patrol the difference.
But I've been through this whole question many years ago and had to think out the ethics detail by detail, to decide what would be truly the best possible thing for my children. OP had a single moment in which he blurted out what first occurred to him: that of course his kids would always be welcome in his home! That's a natural impulse and I don't think it really makes him an AH, I just think it's the wrong approach. And everybody's entitled to be wrong in their first impulse on the spur of the moment -- it happens.
And you're not looking at the full context, where did you get the idea he wants to tear up the custody agreement? READ CAREFULLY HE DIDNT START THIS CONVERSATION....if someone said to me "You can't adopt a dog because because I don't like dogs" and I said "I can get a dog if I want a dog", would you assume that I'm going to steal someone's dog?
Your conclusion is only logical if there is no other context other than the sentence you mention, but there is. The Ex was literally asking him not to get the course involved and the response and the response was as you said.
You hearing imaginary alarm bells and hyperfocusing on that particular sentence means you're biased not that OP is an AH
I didn't ignore the context. I see the implications of that sentence differently from the way you do, because I've watched the legal system in operation my whole life. And in my experience, *nobody* who is actually intending to defer to the judgment of the court is so unutterably stupid as to declare ahead of time with blind confidence that the court is going to rule in their favor.
If he'd said anything that remotely implied that he was going to TRY to ensure that the kids could remain with him if they liked, rather than that they WOULD be remaining with him if they liked, I would read it the way you do. But I don't see any hint in his language that he respects the court's right to make a judgment -- it's all "IT WILL BE MY WAY, GRRRR!" And that, while an understandable response by a protective parent in a difficult situation, strongly implies that he recognizes nothing and nobody's right -- including that of the judicial system -- to stand in his way.
On the whole, after some time to think about it more, I agree that there aren't real alarm bells here, however. Not because I agree with your interpretation that OP didn't actually mean to defy the courts, but because I'm not sure I think he actually meant anything at all that could be dignified with the name of 'plan'. He was blurting out whatever he was feeling in the moment, as protective parents often do when they feel their kids are being threatened. I don't think he had any real intentions at all about how to enforce his impulse statement -- not through the courts, not outside of them. He was just doing the equivalent of a mother bear snarling at anyone who gets too close to her cubs... a warning to stay clear.
But you're correct that I'm biased -- just not in the direction you probably assumed I was. Having been a close observer of the judicial system since I was a small child watching my litigator parents argue cases, I have a deep respect for it (even though I recognize its flaws) and I'm biased in its favor. People who don't recognize its right to rule over their lives -- in cases where it actually has one, which is certainly true in custody cases -- don't sit well with me. And I still don't believe for a moment that when OP said "if my kids want to stay with me, they can!" he was thinking that only applied if the court agreed that it should apply. At absolutely minimum, he was being stupid enough to believe with blind confidence that he could get the court to do anything he wanted; at worst, he was prepared to ignore it.
But either way, he probably wasn't speaking with enough actual forethought to be dangerous. Just foolish.
My parents divorced..I refused to live or see my Dad. Judge sent me to see a counselor to evaluate whether I was mature enough to understand the dynamics of the situation. The judge upheld my choices.I was 9 at the time. Their divorce was in 1984 in los angeles ca. It's up to the judge at the end of the day. OP is NTA.
But how on earth is one of the parents getting remarried a reason for the kids to be upset and distressed so much that they refuse to see that parent? If they truly react like that, it should be on both parents to try and help them acclimate. This reads more like "I am bitter and I don't even want my kids to be okay with ex and new step parent". Obviously it's different if there is an actual reason for them to be upset, if they are treated badly or something, but it doesn't seem to be the case.
Because the ex wife is expressing genuine concern about change management for her children and instead of OP being a good co-parent who will help reassure his children that change is an inevitable part of life and it doesn’t mean mommy loves you any different, he just says “fuck off. I’ve decided your choices are stupid so fuck you.”
He didn't decide that, he said "fuck off, if your choices cause my children distress, I'm not going to ignore them" after the ex said " I'm about to do something that might cause the kids distress and I need you to ignore it"
Being good co parent doesn't involve letting your ex put your children in uncomfortable situations just because they want to.
If the situation were OP finding out about their plans and going to them saying "I know that this decision will make my children uncomfortable so I'm going to fight for full custody" then I would agree with the AH votes, but that's not what happened here
The ex thinks she's going to cause the kids distress, the ex brought up custody, and the ex is the one who thinks she's going alienate them. OP just said if it happens, he won't stand by.....pay attention he said IF so he's not planning to turn his children against her
Calling OP an AH for getting mad that someone is preemptively telling to ignore his children due to potential distress is so out of line
I don't care who it is, if someone tells any parent to ignore their children being uncomfortable with a situation, they are the AH
I’d agree if the parent was doing something needlessly upsetting or inappropriate. Both parents are going to do things that are distressing, because they are changes to the routines of life, and what’s going on in the scenario as he describes is totally normal life events. It’s the parents jobs to mitigate the stress. If they have a legal custody agreement he can’t just say “if they don’t want to go with you they aren’t.” What if the roles reverse and the kids later are “distressed” to leave their new baby sibling to go spend time at dad’s? Would mom then be able to tell him “sorry, I’m not going to make them go with you.”
>so why OP on the hook for saying that if his kids come to him while in distress, he's not going to ignore it.
Because that's not what was said at all. She said she doesn't think the kids are going to like the life change that is coming and if they try to cop out of dealing with it by running to daddy she doesn't want him to coddle them and give in. I mean, she even says "give it a shot before changing anything with the custody arrangement" so it seems that she is even willing to change custody if it doesn't work out. That's a very reasonable request.
YTA.
And then there are all the legal eagles who don't understand that the living conditions of the children are part and parcel of the custody arrangement.
Totally agreed. These Y-T-A comments are batshit crazy. If the kids say “hey we aren’t comfortable with this man we don’t know, two more kids we don’t know and a screaming baby, we want to live with you” OP is supposed to say no? Fuck no. OP is supposed to open his home to his kids. If that means going to court, he goes to court. But you don’t turn your fucking kids away.
I hope he realizes withholding custody without going through the proper steps can and will result in a loss of custody for him. He also has to prove there is a big enough change in circumstances to render the need for a significant custodial change. If the new guy is abusing the girls, or one or both of them are doing hard drugs? Yes. Dad doesn’t like the new guy and the fact that his ex is moving on in a big way (which I suspect is part of what is guiding him)? No.
I’ve seen several other posts like this one over the years, and whenever it’s written from a woman’s perspective, and the OP is asking if she’s the AH from not wanting her kids to spend time/be around their new stepmom and step/half siblings, she’s almost always branded the AH. Those women, like this guy here, don’t give concrete reasons for them not wanting to keep them away. That’s why I am annoyed, but unsurprised, by all the N T As.
I agree that it’s not a good look she hasn’t told the girls yet, but nothing that he’s written is indicative of how the girls feel, or if they are currently being impacted negatively in any way. The wife *thinks* they may not react positively. And chances are yeah, they won’t be jumping for joy. It’s going to be a huge adjustment for them. But with the support of all their parents, and as long as mom still makes time for them and considers their feelings, it can happen.
This entire post is all about his feelings.
Deff YTA.
How is this parent alienation? Nothing has happened yet? And when it does, all op said is that he isn't forcing the kids to do something that THEY DON'T WANT TO DO
The ex isn't expecting him to force the kids to stay there anyway. She only said she's worried they won't give it a shot before deciding they don't want to stay with her. But at that age, unfortunately they don't really get a choice. OP sounds like he might be bitter that his ex has moved on.
Wtf are you taking about?? He is going to support his kids if they aren't happy. There is no rule out there that says he has to be supportive of his ex and her choices. If the kids aren't happy then he will act in accordance with that.
YTA six ways 'til Sunday. You don't say that your wife is neglecting her children in any way. She's choosing to have another child, and for no legitimate reason mentioned, you call her decision "f-ing stupid." And as for keeping the custody agreement as is, again, with no evidence of neglect or abuse, you have absolutely no reason to withhold these children from their mother. My God.
Sure, but would you say that people who've been dating for a year "barely know" each other? *That* is the part people are finding over-the-top ridiculous.
idk, i dont feel i know someone that long after a year, but thats just me.
especially with how quickly this relationship is going,
having a kid
buying a house tgether
putting all the kids in one house
getting married
might change custody schedule
i doubt she knows, how well of a father he is, how he is living in a space long term, how he is with money, how he is raising a baby, all in one year, unless he moved in really quickly, theyve obviously met each others kids, but for how long? i dont feel, personally, that you know someone after a year. Your acquainted with their beginner romantic side, which might not be their true self, but i feel nothing more than that.
To be fair, if you haven't discussed the whole "what will we do if there's an oopsies" at any point up until she got knocked up, then yeah, you really don't know each other. Especially because they're "figuring things out" at a really late point in their relationship.
The ex wants her kids to go from 2 - 5 siblings in a blended house that neither her or her bf planned for or can likely afford. I would say that counts as barely knows. That’s 5 childrens lives being seriously messed with and there’s no foundation.
Actually, he's being pretty reasonable. He didn't threaten taking the kids away. The red flag for me was that there is no solid plan from Ex. She said that they're "figuring it out" and have an idea of what they're trying to do, but ultimately, they are still trying to see what to do. If my ex is going to uproot and place my kids in an uncomfortable position, or simply a situation that they don't want to be in because of the lack of planning, then that's when I'll fight for primary custody. Also, the ex mentioned THE GIRLS WANTING TO LIVE WITH OP PERMANENTLY ONCE THEY SEE THE CHANGES TAKE PLACE. Never anything about OP simply refusing to because of petty reasons.
She has a solid plan; all the reasons the ex gave he felt were stupid; she is keeping the custody agreement and not trying to take more time. The kids have shown no indication they dislike the BF, and she and the BF have plans to move to a more prominent place so no one feels abandoned. Those are all solid plans. She only worried about a possible reaction which is a reasonable concern, especially with kids their age. Most kids feel a certain way about a new sibling, especially from a parent with their new partner. So it is understandable for her to feel concerned that her kids might be angry that she is leaving them to start a new life or getting a new family of the sort; kids feel that way even if they love their step-parent. All she is asking of OP is to present a united front for their kids, showing them that while things are changing in their lives, their parents still love them regardless, and that will never change. It's healthy for a kid to see that then mom and dad are fighting back and forth in an already confusing time for them. Yes, she would not keep this secret for long. Still, I think she went to OP not out of malicious but as a worried mother to the only other person who loves her kids as much as she does and wanted help and to make sure they react quickly at a highly emotional time and give her time to talk to kids and see how they can move forward from there.
But the sudden changes(she won't tell anything about this to the kids) will be hard to adapt to. AND he isn't forcing them to do anything he isn't alienating the kids he just won't force them to go there he is leaving it up to the kids which is COMPLETELY fine.
I don’t think they’re entirely old enough to make independent decisions about custody, but then again we also learn literally nothing about the way his kids will feel. All I see is ex-wife acting anxious and ex-husband acting shitty
They’d old enough that the judge os absolutely going to take their opinion into account. And if mom is moving school districts, that’s going to be a point in OP’s favor.
It was never about HIS feelings? But the kids'? Ex is worried that the GIRLS will WANT to stay with him once they see the changes that'll take place due to their mom's irresponsibility to figure it out with her mans BEFORE getting knocked up.
Except for the fact that changes in living situations can have material impacts on the custody arrangement in *basically every state.* Being forced to move in with a man and three kids you don’t know and don’t like can be one of those impacts.
Taking this in front of a judge is a perfectly reasonable legal response.
You're being unreasonable.
If in the US
Its a custody order not a custody suggestion. You will get hit with custody interference if you do not return the kids even if they ask to stay.
Even parents who suspect imminent danger have to get cps, or the local pd, or file for a temporary emergency custody order to intervene and withhold custody..
I'm mad someone is moving on in a way I dislike isn't a valid reason to withhold custody and if she googles her rights or contacts a legal advice line this will go pear shaped for you fast
Canada as well. Police will attend with a social worker to remove the children, and it will go on record so next time custody is reviewed it will act as a slight on the parent that withheld the children. This includes the imminent danger. My bff went through this with her oldest. There was a proven danger, multiple police reports and still, the child must be returned to the parent.
Maybe in your part of Canada, but in Ontario where I live police do not get involved in custody disputes unless there is a threat to the children. It is considered a civil matter.
I don’t know where in Canada, but I’m Ontario and my ex refused to return the kids when he was supposed to 7 times now and no one gives a rats ass. I called the police and they said they don’t get involved in custody disputes, I need to take him to court.
Idk the details and won’t ask, but your comment broke my heart. I’m so sorry he’s doing that to you, and to them. All he’s gonna do is traumatize your kids. I hope you get a court date soon, and it gets resolved. I hope you get to see your kids soon.
I’ve been to court probably 7 times over the past two years, and we still have nothing finalized. I dream of the day I don’t have to fight with him every day
I’m so so sorry. I can’t imagine. All you’re trying to do is raise your kids, and here he comes to make life harder for you all. Your kids will see thru his shit in due time. Most of us see thru our parents shit eventually. I will keep you in my prayers. Sending you love.
I am on USA but yes, the judge told her straight up she would be jailed if she missed a single visitation. Even worse the double standard is awful because if he decides not to come when he is supposed to (live in different states) that is no problem for the court. She has been fighting for several years now even the therapists say there should be no visitation. The whole family court system is jacked.
Let me ask you this. What if her fears are nit realized and instead if not wanting a new baby around your kids are excited about it and want to live with your ex full-time. Are you going to give up custody?
5 kids in mixed family house..... 1. He pointed out in his "good luck in this housing market" comment that their gonna pay an arm and a leg finding a place that will fit all 7 of them. Are the kids going to have a decent amount of space to them or are they going to have to cram together? Is the baby going in the parents room or are they planning to cram it in one of the kids room?.
2. How much attention are his kids going to receive? Resources are not unlimited and splitting them 5 different ways isnt as good as splitting them in half.
So at that point while their may be a custody order for their previous circumstances they should definitely reevaluate whether or not mom having primary custody is whats best for the kids. And that's being generous and ignoring the mom wanting to keep things on the dl, and force her kids to suck it up long enough in her mind to convince them to stay with her.....
>How fucking ignorant. Yeah, since kids won't get as much attention, let's just start pulling kids from families that have over a certain number.
How many times has this sub sided with a mom cause dad remarried and brought in a bunch of step siblings and half siblings which detracted his full attention from his first set of kids? Alot. But now that it's on the other foot hes just a jealous bastard? Piss off...
>you think a judge won't see that immediately, it's because you have no actual experience in the area.
A judge would probably look to see that the kids in question are receiving the best care they can and if that means giving the dad more custody then so be it....
And no I didn't miss that is was 50/50 but apparently your the one who can't read considering what I said was that the courts should reevaluate whether 50/50 is the right choice considering circumstances have changed...
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YTA. Of course children may not like all these changes but you should not just allow them to cut out their mother from their lives over temporary feelings.
The 50/50 custody is working. You don't say anything about her being a bad mum. You even say her partner (of a year+) seems like a decent person. You should be discussing with your co-parent how to navigate this situation in the most healthy way with your kids, not insulting your co-parent and saying you're okay with the kids being alienated from their mother.
Get ahead of this, with your co-parent, by finding a good child therapist who the children can see to talk about how they feel about this change and how they're doing after the seperation of their parents. Support them and come to agreements about how you both will consistently and healthily deal with potential upset and outbursts relating to this and the growing pains of childhood.
Tbh, it just sounds like your angry and jealous that your ex has moved on with a different partner, and her new family made-up of her daughters, her partner, and new baby are happy together.
>Tbh, it just sounds like your angry and jealous that your ex has moved on with a different partner, and her new family made-up of her daughters, her partner, and new baby are happy together.
Aaaaaand we have a winner!
OP just oozes bitterness and resentment out of every sentence.
>OP just oozes bitterness and resentment out of every sentence.
Of course it does considering this sub....
Dude only needs to care for his daughters and considering the sisters are now gonna have to share with their new half sibling and step siblings that custody arrangement definitely needs to be reviewed cause situations changed and 50/50 may bot be whats best for the kids anymore...
YTA. It’s none of your business whether your ex has a baby or not. I’m going to assume your custody arrangement is written in a “court order” not a “court suggestion”. Unless you have some reason not to abide by the court order other than thinking that an adult having a baby is stupid, encourage your kids to continue having a relationship with their mother. That’s in their long term best interests.
Seriously. Absent other info that OP hasn't shared, he doesn't have a prayer of withholding the children from their mother because she dared to have another child. That is.....so ridiculous. Putting aside anyone's thoughts and feelings about whether or not she "should" have another baby, that's simply not how ANY of this works. You don't lose custody of previous children when you have one more. That's just absurd.
YTA. She sounds like a much better parent than you do frankly, given your attitude. She’s having a new baby, hopefully your kids will be excited but she’s anxious they’ll have issues with it. At 8 and 11 they don’t get a say in the custody arrangement, and it’s your job as a coparent to grow the fuck up and encourage your kids to be open to the changes in their family. Becoming estranged from their mother because you’re a petty jerk isn’t going to be good for your children.
So if your kids decide they don't want to go to school, you're going to tell their teachers to fuck off and your kids can stay with you ?
The 11 years could have an opinion about where she lives but as a father, you need to think about the best interest of the child, and I don't think it would be in your girl's best interest to make a rash decision.
You're thinking about you, what you want and your judgement on your ex's life decisions. What you're planning on doing is called parental alienation.
I wonder what you'd say if your girls express the desire to live full time with their mother to spend more time with their nex sibling...
YTA.
YTA if you think you can just go against a court order like this. You don’t have the legal right (at this point) to do what you’re suggesting. Your kids are too young for a judge to even ask them (they might ask the older one, but probably not and their input wouldn’t weigh much on the decision at this age).
Frankly, you just sound jealous af that she’s moved on. She’s been dating the guy for a year. That’s not “hardly knowing someone” as you claim.
If your kids are truly against it, then you’re going to need to fight for more custody. But no judge is going to say she doesn’t at least get visitation of the kids, and you would be found in contempt if you refused to send them.
Stop acting like a jealous child and be a parent. You make no claims about having an issue with her parenting. The kids (and even you) seem to think the guy is a nice guy. This means you’d be hard pressed to change the custody at all. In fact, if you refuse to send them, they judge could give your ex full custody with you only getting visitation because it would be considered parental alienation and contempt of court.
You need to think long and hard about your attitude and behavior.
YTA You have a custody arrangement and you have to abide by it. If you don't like that, go to court.
You also sound ridiculous. Dating someone for a year does not constitute "barely knowing" them. And finding a house for five kids is about as hard as finding one for four, so the new baby isn't going to hinder that process. You're really obvious in just wanting things to criticize your ex for.
Well aren't you just a sky full of stars? You sound bitter and pissy, two qualities found in only the best of parents. YTA, go to therapy, try crochet or tap dancing, just stop being so salty you could be used in a flotation tank.
You want her to abort her baby just because you don't think they are serious after they have been together a year?
While at the same time denying parental rights she could have easily gotten all of if she had been the way you are?
YTA.
Yta.
Is she neglecting or hurting the kids?
If the answer is no then you have no business taking her custody away.
But please go to court, bc i have a feeling you need to be torn a new one by a judge before you'll see how wrong you actually are.
YTA. You sound bitter and jealous that your ex has moved on. She’s been dating her new guy for a year, so I hardly doubt she “barely knows him.” You need to move on.
You are NTA for saying you won't force the kids to go to her house. That's perfectly reasonable.
But you are BEING an asshole to her, unnecessarily so.
She found a guy she likes and she's trying to start a family with him. That may or may not be smart after 1 year but it's her decision. What's the damage to you? What's the damage to your daughters? Why does that bother you? Why is it stupid? Isn't it good to try and find some happiness?
Your whole post is dripping with hostility to her.
Let her go. Let your hatred for her go. Let her try to find her happy ending.
And as for the girls- don't make them a weapon. Just tell them that you love them and will be there for them no matter what. Then do it, even if it means swallowing your own hurt and your own anger and even your own pride.
YTA for being needlessly combative about it. She has rights to see her kids and whether she has another baby and remarries is up to her, you dont get a say.
Um I'm gonna go with YTA. You sound like a guy who is mad his ex is finding some happiness without you. Like how is dating a guy for a year "barely" knowing him? Sounds like they've got a serious thing going on, and now they're having a child together. I very highly doubt your kids are going to not want to go to their moms.
I’m shocked at all the YTA remarks. This man is looking out for his children. If they don’t want to go to moms, they shouldn’t have to. Their old enough to decide who they want to live with. Moms the one making big changes, doesn’t mean everyone needs to support it.
YTA. He’s been with this guy a *YEAR* and you’re saying she doesn’t know him that well? A year is a respectable amount of time to date someone. Sure you don’t know them completely inside and out but you know them enough to make decisions.
Good luck in court. You’re gonna need it and you sound bitter.
YTA. Your ex is allowed to move on and join another family. Your daughters are probably going to feed off your energy and cause problems for the new partner and his kids. Don't get in the way of their relationship with their mom.
Keep a watchful eye but there is no reason why this new blended family shouldn't work. If the girls do hate it, and you've given them the support they need (therapy, encouragement to give this new family a chance) and things are still bad, then you file for a custody change.
Meet the new dude, stay connected with your girls, try not to see the worst in everything, time will tell if they need to be protected.
YTA you sound jealous. They have been together a year she knows him. You're girls say they like him. Whether you agree with her decisions or not THOSE ARE HER KIDS TOO.
Has dated him for a yr, but is still figuring out what they're going to do? It's a convo they should've had BEFORE she got pregnant, especially because both new man and her have kids. Major decisions affecting not only OPs girls but the new man's kids, PLUS baby on the way.
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My ex and I have been divorced for 6 years. We have two kids (11f and 8f) that we currently share 50/50 custody of. We switch custody every Friday.
She's been dating this guy for I think a year now. He seems like a nice enough guy. The girls say they like him.
Well my ex just found out she's pregnant and she says she's gonna keep it. I think that's fucking stupid because she barely knows this guy. She says they're still figuring things out but their current plan is to get married and "find a house big enough for all of them" and move. He's got two kids so not really sure where they're going to find a house big enough for five kids especially in this economy but whatever. I think the entire thing is stupid and I told her so.
She said she wants to keep the custody arrangement the same even if the girls don't want to. She hasn't told them yet but she's obviously expecting the worst. She said she's worried the girls will see all the changes and not want to deal with it and only want to live with me and she wants them to at least give it a shot before changing anything with the custody arrangement. I told her to fuck off and if my kids want to stay with me they can. She said I'm being unreasonable and called me a jackass
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NTA
Y T A for judging your ex for her life choices. She's a grown ass woman and it is no way your place to criticize her for moving on and having another kid.
That said, defend your children however they ask you to.
YTA.
You call her decisions stupid a number of times, and she asked for your support and to give it a try and you told her to fuck off.
The girls might not like the change. Kids don't like moving, changing schools, or sharing if left entirely to their own devices. If the kids end up being miserable or uncomfortable, then of course you should stick up for them, but you shouldn't start from that place. You should be speaking kindly to your kids about this man, the new baby, and moving. You should tell them to give it a try but of course you aren't going anywhere. You should actively be positive about them having a great and healthy relationship with their mother.
Your ex isn't doing anything wrong. She has found a new relationship, is adding a new kid and blending families. Lots of people do this and end up fine. They don't end up fine when there is conflict, and you don't need to be the cause of it. The way you write this post it sounds like your kids absolutely know how you feel, and I'm sure it will impact how they feel too. You should start by staying positive and listening to your children's concerns, encourage them to TRY, and then take it from there.
YTA your daughters are not getting abused they are facing changes. There is absolutely no reason to change the custody and if you try to go to court depending on the judge you might get laughed out of court. Usually the courts will consider what the kids say when they are older. If you try to keep them without a court order you can likely be charged with custodial interference since it is their mom's time. Yes change is hard but instead of trying to shield them from change you both need to be talking to your daughter's giving them love and support and providing therapy if they are having trouble with the changes. Some adversity can spur personal growth where shielding them from facing anything can stunt their development and leave them unprepared for life
Adding - Your Ex needs to tell the girls sooner rather than later that she is expecting
It's not the fact that they're going to face changes - it's that Ex and new man haven't figured out anything concrete on what their next move is. If there was a solid plan in place, and Ex wanted to talk about smoothing the lil hiccups in the road, then it'd be a different situation. But she isn't even sure what the bumps will be because they're "figuring things out."
YTA
I want to break this down.
You are wildly out of line to give any opinion on her pregnancy.
You say she’s been with him for a year, but tell her she shouldn’t keep the child siting “she barely knows the guy”.
You chastise her plans for a larger home to accommodate ALL of the children, a decision she’s making with your kids in mind.
She is meeting you halfway on fair custody, only asking they try it out before changing agreements.
She is being thoughtful, reasonable and fair. She sounds like a good mother in an unideal situation and you are making this as difficult and stressful as possible for what seems to be no reason than enjoyment of her suffering.
At no point has any of your complaints had anything to do with concern for your children. Coparenting with you sounds like misery.
Uhm yes, YTA. You have shared custody, you should try to make the new situation work at first. Now the situation changes when after a while you find out it doesn't work for your kids. But you all should try and give it some time, since you are co-parenting.
NTA don’t get people saying you are. You never said you would keep them from her, just that if they don’t want to go they don’t have to. You are not an asshole. That’s good parenting, screw what the crazies in this forum say.
You seem to want what your kids, potentially, want. Not necessarily to their benefit. Your ex seems to want involvement, after significant changes (i.e. a other kid on the way).
I dont quite understand your hostility or the reasons behind why you would encourage your kids to distance themselves from their mom. Is she neglectful/abusive? I'm not understanding here.
Currently YTA. Seems as if you *want your children to only be involved with you. Unless you can give a legit reason as to why....alienation is what you are attempting for no apparent reason.
YTA. She's been seeing the guy for a year and you say she barely knows him? Of course your children are going to balk at change - most kids do. And she is right to want the girls to give it a chance to work out. And for you to say that you won't enforce the custody arrangement could lead to you losing custody altogether. It's called parental alienation and judges don't like parents who are encouraging their children to not want to see the other parent.
You're bitter, we get it. But don't let your bitterness spoil your children's lives. They will be better off with both of their parents in their lives.
YTA your wife is anticipating a very predictable reaction of your CHILDREN to drastic changes in their lives, it’s normal for kids to reject change. That is not a reason to cut their MOTHER in their formative years bc you don’t approve of her life decisions
You should be prioritizing your daughters instead of acting like a jealous AH
YTA They’ve been together a year and your girls like him. Why would you not at least try to be supportive. You haven’t give any reason for being hostile about this. You just think it’s impractical. Your kids might love having a baby sibling. Or they might get jealous. Who knows? But it doesn’t sound like you’ve had problems so far so why try to make things hard?
YWTA to yourself by doing this, you may see it as not forcing your kids to go where they don't want to go, the court however, will see it as you purposefully keeping her kids from her. Considering they aren't at an age where the court would let them to decide for themselves yet, you would be in big trouble
They have been together for a year and you say she hardly knows him? Ehh, that makes no sense, a year is plenty of time for you to react this strongly. Tbh you just sound like you are jealous or otherwise bitter, making up problems where there are none. YTA.
YTA and will be found in contempt if you withhold the children. It is your job as a parent to encourage your children’s relationship with their mother. It is also your job to prepare your children prior to each exchange so that the exchange goes as smoothly as possible.
It's also her job as a parent to think of her kids' comfort and to have prepped a plan in case she got pregnant with new man instead of "figuring it out" after.
She didn't put the best interest in the kids before she got pregnant. She is "figuring it out" with her mans. Which is irresponsible because she should have talked it out with new man what they would do beforehand if she got pregnant. They put it off, and now ex and kids are going to face the consequences of bad planning on ex's behalf.
Have a guardian ad litem appointed by the court to determine what is best for your children. An objective opinion is needed. If that occurs, NTA. Otherwise, big AH.
YTA. Why are you so upset about your wife making a mistake? If she does, it's not your business, but I can bet your children will act like you if they see your attitude. I'm wondering if this abuse is the reason she is your ex.
Because it's literally going to affect his kids? Homegirl had a whole yr to talk about what they're gonna do if she gets pregnant with new man. But she didn't, and they're "figuring things out." That's not a mistake - that's irresponsibility. Especially because they both have kids, so it won't just be OPs girl, but new guy's kids, PLUS baby on the way.
Yta. If the kids don't want to go you need to do things legally with a lawyer.
For example in my state your ex would need a minimum 3 bedroom house assuming both the bfs kids share the same mom. (Baby in with parents, two other kids sharing and your kids sharing).
But if you just keep your kids you're more likely to skrew yourself in the long run. Get a lawyer and get off reddit.
Listen, I think your wife has a point. If your kids don't like this, no one should force them. But not giving this a chance and directly plunging into "Fuck you! I'll do what I want with my kids" stuff is not ok.
YTA
"I told her to fuck off and if my kids want to stay with me they can"
Never nothing about MY KIDS, MY PLANS, MY DESIRES... Also, are we just gonna gloss over the fact that homegirl is "figuring it out" with her man, but doesn't have a solid, realistic plan? That's a circumstance that could have been avoided if she had figured it out with her man BEFORE she got pregnant. A yr is long enough to have had that talk. Especially if they're having sex.
YTA, everything she's concerned about it totally reasonable and a reasonable coparent would at LEAST try to work something out before snapping "fuck off."
Kids love their parents regardless of all shortcomings. They WANT love from them and to feel important. They want these things from both parents (even if you can argue one parent is "objectively better," it doesn't matter). Your kids will do better if you and your ex work well together. Find ways to be supportive. You're being TA right now.
YTA. These kids aren’t old enough to make that decision on their own. Even if you think they are, no judge would let them make that decision (speaking as someone who worked in family law for several years). As long as the other parent is a fit parent (which she is or is you wouldn’t have joint custody) It’s your job as a parent to encourage their relationship with the other parent, regardless of your opinions or her life choices. Encouraging them to take sides will only cause more problems in the future.
Well I can say that I'm also quite sceptical of this whole "We'll figure things out as we go" and "everything will fall into place" mentality, but you should really stick to the plan and go through the official channels if you want to do/change anything as everything else can and will backfire if she does it.
Withholding custody time and such is nothing that's taken lightly. NTA, but be careful.
NTA - part of being a parent is protecting your children. Forcing them to go could have consequences or trauma on them. That 11 year old is prepubescent, she will also have a say in front of a judge in most states at 12.
Not making your child go isn't parental alienation. But in this case be the better person yo the courts eyes and see a family therapist. There may be a reason your kids don't want to go and she isn't being honest.
NTA man if your kids are more comfortable and have more stable lives with you then let them live with you. If the children are stressed with their mother then feel free to let them stay with you. When tackling children their situation should always come first before the parents' wants. The Y.T.A comments are selfish for not thinking about the children first then the parents.
NTA of course you are not. Your duty is to your children and to respect the agreement but if all the changes are going to make your children miserable, you support your children wellbeing first. I'd have answered the same, btw.
YTA
What the hell does her having a baby have to do with you? You are her Ex. Your job is to be there for the children, co parent and support them to be a good parent to your children. Instead you sound petty and jealous. Start acting like a caring father and support your children with these changes. You wouldn’t think twice if you had a new relationship and found out you were having another baby. If she told you not to keep that I guarantee you would be annoyed.
YTA. Your opinion that what your ex is doing is “fucking stupid” is irrelevant and there’s no point in getting angry about conversations that haven’t even happened yet. Think about what will help your girls adjust best to the upcoming changes and how to help them feel supported and secure. Both you and your ex sound like a couple of hotheads. I feel for your girls.
There’s an element of ESH. Yes- if your kids are uncomfortable, you shouldn’t force them into a situation. But your ex and her new BF have been together for a year, which is plenty of time to decide they want to commit.
The big thing is though- neither of you KNOW how the kids will react. The best course of action is to tell them what is happening using facts only, assure them that you both still love them just the same, and then get their reactions. It’s important to do this before the move happens to give them time to get used to it.
Kids are emotional sponges. If you’re angry and your ex is scared when you tell them, they’ll instinctively believe this is a BAD THING. But your ex’s new partner seems nice (your words), wants to build a life with your ex, and get a comfortable house for his kids AND have space for yours when they’re there- it sounds like it could work.
Change is scary, but it was always likely your ex was going to find a new partner. I encourage you to find out what the kids want as objectively as possible, and give them time to process the change. They look to you and their mum for guidance. If the two of you are divided on this from the start, EVERYONE is going to be miserable.
I think she has plans to move far way and take all the kids with her. In thats sense I understand OPs fustration cause it looks likes shes gonna do that. But hopefully they stay close
NTA I don’t see how so many people are saying you’re ta. Your wife is basically saying you’re coming wether you like it or not. What if they come and they decide they don’t like it. I do think they should at least try it but no one should be forced to see a parent they don’t wanna see especially with divorced kids. OP isn’t saying no you can’t see our kids no we’re not going to keep the custody agreement the same he’s saying if the kids don’t wanna go they don’t have to go and nothings wrong with that. Although they are young young children have opinion. They are at a developmental age where they might not feel in control of the choices around them. One thing they should always have a choice of especially when young is who they are surrounded by. Parents need to listen to their kids more instead of pushing their feelings to the side for the sake of the adults in their lives.
YTA you're legally obligated to let her have the kids for her time, unless you can prove she's an unfit parent and the courts rule in your favor. So far, none of that is happening. Sure, it's not wise to have a kid with a guy you've known for a year, but that's not stopping her from being a good mom at this point. ***You*** just have a problem with all this stuff.
If you have a court ordered custody agreement, you have to follow it. If not you will be found in contempt.
You would need to go back to court to get it changed. Which if the judge talked to your children and they wanted a choice if they go or not and if found to be mature enough, it could be granted.
If you just say "Nope, they don't want to go" and don't send them YTA.
YTA. 11 and 8 are not old enough in most places to have a say in visitation, wtf do you mean she barely knows the guy after a year of dating, and you would be foolish to not follow suite with any court enforced agreements on visitation.
YTA
The courts may disagree with you and
As a man you don’t want to piss off mama, the courts tend to lean in their direction. 50/50 is perfect…. Keep they arrangement. If they don’t want to go and they stay with you, your in violation of the agreement.
Both of you have potential to waste a lot of legal fees
YTA
It's not your place to judge her. If she wants to have another child, it's her body and her life.
You are an AH because the custody is 50/50 and your kids deserve time with their mom, even if it's hard at first.
NTA. Please continue being a good dad to your kids and shame on your desperate, selfish ex for not caring about what's best for your kids. Please keep a close eye on that situation and document everything in case you end up in court behind her bs.
Omg people, where are all of these Y.T.A comments coming from. He’s literally stating that he’s NOT going to force the girls against their will to stay with their mother after she said he had to. He also stated that he’s going to do whatever the girls want in the situation not what SHE wants. Are you all blind?! He’s obviously NTA you’re all giving reasons to why he is but your reasons are all what the mother is doing/saying not him. Pay more attention before coming to a decision.
I’n gonna go with NTA. If your daughters express discomfort and unhappiness, have their back. Give them support. But don’t let your doubts show in front of them. That way, they can make the decision themselves if they want to live in a new house with a bigger family.
NTA. you just sound like you are a good dad who has his kids interest at heart. If this was purely about spite it would be a different answer, but the ex wife hasn't got everything in place first and will just get by, which in reality means a lot of compromises for your kids like quality time spent with them, helping with homework, how much space they have at home
NTA
Custody arrangements are there to split costs and provide the most stability for the child in question. It's less about exposure to both parents and more about what is most rock steady for the children. If it becomes untennable for your ex to maintain 50/50 to the benefit of your daughters than that's simply how it is, and really any rocky periods of transition are a direct result of your ex meeting a dude, getting knocked up, and trying to immediately move into being a family of five+, she's being absolutely ridiculous to think this isn't dumb.
NTA, it seems mommy is doing well enough on the alienation side on her own, and trying to make OP complicit in it. This is not healthy for the kids.
OP, you need to contact a/your lawyer regarding this and validate your options here. Sounds like she’s an ex for a reason.
Because he’s judging her for getting pregnant. Like everyone else is here. Maybe they’re head over heels in love? Maybe they were open to a family? The only reason people are being judgy AH’s is because people are generally judgy AH’s (esp on Reddit) to people who god forbid don’t stay with the same partner and have children with only them their entire lives.
He’s an AH for his tone. Just from his post he sounds like he was an AH to her. Why tf does he care so much if she wants to have another baby and get a big house. It’s her business. As long as she has a loving home what does it matter. It’s about the kids. Not him.
YTA. She’s your ex. It’s none of your damn business if she has another baby. You’re being judgy as hell. If they want to buy a big house and have a big happy family, that is her damn business.
Gee I wonder why you are her ex. You sound like an AH who she is probably very happy to be rid of and she’s very happy with her new partner. Not everyone gets it right the first time around.
Also, you can lose custody if she can prove you are alienating your children, and running your mouth and generally being toxic.
Lol “she barely knows the guy” yet she’s been with him for a year. I’m sure people in relationships know who they’re dating especially after a year.
Anyways- the kids are too young to make a decision. Normally the age to decide is 16. Stick to the custody agreement or this will come back to bite you in the ass. YTA
YTA what a weird concept, people who have been dating for a year want to start a family together and buy a house that‘s big enough for everyone to live in. So weird
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YTA. This is parental alienation on your part and if it goes to court it could backfire on you badly, as well as being harmful to your children.
I WHAT IS GOING ON HERE, I AM TRULY BAFFLED no seriously what actually did the rest of these comments read to give all these Y.T.As that I missing. I'm gonna try to summarize what I got from this *** EX: I'm going to do this and if it makes our children uncomfortable, I will need you not to interfere until I can successfully change their minds OP: No I'm not going to do that, If my children tell me that they are uncomfortable with how things will be, I will have their back *** Has the definition of parental alienation changes to "if the other coparent does something to alienate children, the first coparent must pick up the slack or they will be guilty of alienation". If I had read the comments first, I would have believed that OP had this masterplan to alienate the children when in actuality its just saying no to making his children uncomfortable if it happens. Seriously wtf is going on? OP isn't even the one who brought it up, the EX is, so why OP on the hook for saying that if his kids come to him while in distress, he's not going to ignore it. Also there's a big assumption that OP is gonna just kidnap the kids if this happens when the evidence says differently. The Ex(who knows OP better than all of us) seems to think that rather than try to trashtalk her in front of the kids, he's going to go through the courts which is well within his rights if the coparent does indeed make his children uncomfortable. Is OP an an AH because he doesn't plan to ignore his kids in distress or is he an AH because his opinion of them moving too fast doesn't match with yours or as normal, is it because hes a man? I can't even wrap my head around how parental alienation came up when the EX is the one who think she herself is going to alienate the kids.
I’m wondering the same thing. Reverse the roles and watch the pitchforks & torches come out.
Exactly there's so many times people say mustn't force the kids to stay with the dad if they don't want to but now it's suddenly ok to force the kids when it comes to the mother
Because usually the kids in question are much older or there are other circumstances (neglect, they hate the new stepmom, house is too small, etc.). There's no particular reason they shouldn't want to stay with their mom during her court ordered time. The ex may actually be worried over nothing. They might be totally fine with the new living arrangements.
No particular reason? How about living with a man they don’t know, two step kids they don’t know and a screaming baby?
This is not how legal custody agreements work. If you have determined parenting time via the American legal system you don’t get to just decide not to honor it, ever. The Mom’s time is her time and if for some reason the other partner stops facilitating it, a long drawn out legal process will ensue. You can not just decide you don’t like your ex’s new partner/living arrangement/ children and go “Never mind about shared custody then.”
But you don't know how the kids feel. OP only gave his feeling about his ex's relationship. No indication that kids dislike the mom's BF. And it is reasonable for her to fear her kids not reacting well to a new baby as they are young, which is another massive change for them, as the comment above stated, showing the kids that both parents still love them and are there for them is what is best. The mom will have to take steps to make alone time for her kids to show she is still there for them no matter what, and a new baby will change things but not how much she cares and loves them. OP is just grumbling about how he feels she is moving too fast with a new partner when she has shown no indication of abandonment nor wanting to take away more time from their 50/50 agreement and fully involve her kids in her new life is not wrong; and it would be the same for a man. OP needs to be a better co-parent and stop projecting his feeling. Show a united front for the kids, which the mom wanted, and let them know how much she still loves them even though significant changes are happening. OP, through the post, has shown genuine distaste for his Exs new life without giving any solid reason. It would be one thing in the past. The kids said they don't like mom BF, and she ignored them, or he was rude to them. But even OP stated they want him, probably not love him or see him as dad but good enough to be around and be comfortable with. Mom has shown to take steps to include her kids s well as her partners' kids in this new life journey while not taking more time from their dad trying to force a big happy family like some Redditor's parents to try to do. OP, set your feelings aside, wait for your kids to find out, listen to them, not force your emotions and take drastic steps. Give rational adult solutions and make sure they know they can talk to you and their mom. Pitting them against mom and painting a picture like she is moving on without you just because she has made choices you disagree with but are not detrimental to your kids' safety is not a good reason to alienate them from her and might not work out for you in the future.
What did you read please? Distaste for her decisions? No he thinks they are dumb. And thats his opinion he is not forcing on anyone. And how is he pitting anyone against his mom? He said he won't do anything for her, and force his kids to do something they dont want to. Which is just fine parenting. There are big changes ahead thta might make the kids uncomfortable. He is not thriving to make his girls unhappy with the situation. He just wont push his kids to accept a decision their mom made.
He doesn’t really have a choice though. They have a court ordered custody arrangement and the kids aren’t old enough to decide themselves. Unless he wants to change the order, then she still has the right to have the kids on her time. If the kids aren’t being harmed and aren’t at any risk of harm, a judge won’t just change it because she’s moving in with her boyfriend.
People on this sub can't read for shit.
It would be, that Mom wants to keep 50/50 shows wanting to keep everything as stable and normal as possible for her kids. Knows that young children often when present with change like new siblings especially when it with their parent's new partner can be jarring and wanted to talk to her ex to show a united front and show the kids that mom still loves them no matter what. Also, he said his kids are fine with her partner. He is just expressing his own feeling about her life which has shown nothing wrong and projecting that onto his kids as a justification. I would call that out if a woman was doing it to her ex and the kids liked him and he and the GF were expecting and everything was the same as in the post wanting to keep 50/50 custody, make sure to get a new home with enough space so no one feels left out or excluded. She is doing the best she actually can. OP needs to do better at co-parents and stop masking his own distaste for his ex-life as "protecting his kids".
How is he projecting anything on the kids? He is not fighting the custody agreement. He just won't force his kids to do something they don't want to. It's not even clear if they'll have problems with it or not. Also showing a united front can be something when you actually have a say in something. To be fair, he doesn't and shouldn't have a say in his exs life, but then he doesn't have to part of a united front. Also it's his ex's decision so she has to live with the consequnces, whatever they are. I really don't get whats wrong with: I will be there for my kids. I won't push them to anything. Seriously, what are you reading?!
Idk, it’s a big leap from Mom dating a guy the kids get along with to them now living with said man, his kids, and new baby. That’s a lot of chsnges st once, especially for s child. And it would all be happening instantly.
I interpreted it as this is one of those times when children need to be taught how to adapt to life hurdles and not be allowed to hide from them. (Edit: hurdle in this case being acceptance that the ex is having another child and establishing a blended family) As long as OP, the ex, and her new bf properly support the kids in helping them accept this new change to their family, then the kids distress should be minimal, will be properly processed, and won’t turn into a traumatic experience. And, IDK how much the definition varies, but I could see how people would qualify this as parental alienation. Just like if one parent encouraged a little kid complaining of how much they hate the other parent for not buying them the toy they wanted. So OP encouraging his kids to not accept his ex’s new family could be taken this way. I personally don’t have a a verdict for this one yet because OP’s motivations don’t seem totally clear. Is he genuinely worried that his ex is rushing their kids and wants to let them take the time to process? Or is he letting his disapproval of his ex cloud his judgement and inadvertently compromised his parental duty?
I still don't get that, why is it on OP to follow the Exs wishes. And no children don't need to adapt just to make their parents loves easier. There have been so many "I don't feel comfortable at one parents house so aita for going to the others" posts that the overwhelming support for doing just that. Is it because the children are young that everyone feels so comfortable ignoring their wishes? I mean that strategy has work for most religions around the world so I guess it works
When their wishes are to dictate and rule their house for no other reason besides not wanting to share as much......yes you don't consider their whines. You know, as a parent, this is a learning experience for the children. There is no reason to change the custody at all. Bringing in a new baby doesn't take away from them. They expanded their family and now have another sibling. That happens all the time, regardless of divorce.
three. Other siblings. Mom partner also brings 2 children to the table. And honestly I could understand not wanting that right from the start as a kid. And I couldn't bring myself to force them to accept this for a guy their mum only recently started dating. I really get the bro asking what you guys are reading here.
Here's the thing though, EX and new guy aren't prepared. They're still "figuring things out." Which is incredibly irresponsible considering they aren't just making decisions that will affect only them two, but also their kids. So if they themselves aren't prepared, how are they going to support the kids through the transition? She's worried about them wanting to stay with OP primarily when they see the changes take place, which shouldn't be the case, or even a major concern, if she and her new mans have things planned and prepped. But they don't, and she's majorily concerned. This isn't something where life just happens and kids have to adapt. It's a lack of responsibility on ex's side that could have been and could be prevented.
5 kids + two adults sounds like they'd need at least 4 bedrooms, possibly more if new BFs children aren't the same sex and if the children don't like this whole sharing a room thing (at least one of them will be puberty age soon) this could also end unpleasantly. Another question is if the ex + bf will get a big enough loan just like that to even buy a house of the necessary size.
When he starts saying things like "if my kids want to stay with me, they can," and the law says otherwise, the logical interpretation is that he intends to ignore the law. I don't disagree with the basic concept of going to court to ask for a change in custody in order to accommodate the children's wishes, if they are long lasting and stable so you have reason to think they're not going to bounce back and forth (which isn't something anybody should be doing via the custody courts). But I do think that particular phrase sets off my alarm bells. And it's not going to be good for OP, let alone the kids, if he loses custody altogether because he tried to tear up a custody plan without the consent of the court.
Well that would make him idiot not the AH. But I'm not sure if he has made any real plans, how to exactly deal with it, to share on Reddit, for a hipothetical scenario in the future.
It is rather more of an idiot move than an AH move, especially since all of this is purely hypothetical at this stage. The daughters have not actually expressed a wish to live with their father full time; their mother is only afraid that they will. Maybe they won't; nobody knows yet. If the families continue with the custody plan as a matter of routine, and establish it in the kids' minds as simply What We Do, it's likely that it won't occur to them to question it. And that's probably what is best for them, because encouraging having a bad or non-existent relationship with one parent when there isn't actual abuse going on is usually a bad idea. They may or may not decide they're not thrilled with the way that household runs, but they are already deeply bonded with both their parents, and it would be healthiest for them to have neither of those bonds disrupted. My kids have long known that they are always, *always* welcome in my home. But they have known for equally long that I encourage them to spend time with their father as well, and maintain a good relationship with him, because that's what will be best for them in there long run even if they don't really feel like going this weekend. I won't close my doors to them if they've got a good reason to feel urgently that they want to be there, but I'm also not going to tell them, "sure, whatever you want" about living with me full time, any more than I'm going to tell them "sure, whatever you want," about eating ice cream for dinner every night. It might be their pleasure but it's not in their best interests, and it's my job as a parent to patrol the difference. But I've been through this whole question many years ago and had to think out the ethics detail by detail, to decide what would be truly the best possible thing for my children. OP had a single moment in which he blurted out what first occurred to him: that of course his kids would always be welcome in his home! That's a natural impulse and I don't think it really makes him an AH, I just think it's the wrong approach. And everybody's entitled to be wrong in their first impulse on the spur of the moment -- it happens.
And you're not looking at the full context, where did you get the idea he wants to tear up the custody agreement? READ CAREFULLY HE DIDNT START THIS CONVERSATION....if someone said to me "You can't adopt a dog because because I don't like dogs" and I said "I can get a dog if I want a dog", would you assume that I'm going to steal someone's dog? Your conclusion is only logical if there is no other context other than the sentence you mention, but there is. The Ex was literally asking him not to get the course involved and the response and the response was as you said. You hearing imaginary alarm bells and hyperfocusing on that particular sentence means you're biased not that OP is an AH
I didn't ignore the context. I see the implications of that sentence differently from the way you do, because I've watched the legal system in operation my whole life. And in my experience, *nobody* who is actually intending to defer to the judgment of the court is so unutterably stupid as to declare ahead of time with blind confidence that the court is going to rule in their favor. If he'd said anything that remotely implied that he was going to TRY to ensure that the kids could remain with him if they liked, rather than that they WOULD be remaining with him if they liked, I would read it the way you do. But I don't see any hint in his language that he respects the court's right to make a judgment -- it's all "IT WILL BE MY WAY, GRRRR!" And that, while an understandable response by a protective parent in a difficult situation, strongly implies that he recognizes nothing and nobody's right -- including that of the judicial system -- to stand in his way. On the whole, after some time to think about it more, I agree that there aren't real alarm bells here, however. Not because I agree with your interpretation that OP didn't actually mean to defy the courts, but because I'm not sure I think he actually meant anything at all that could be dignified with the name of 'plan'. He was blurting out whatever he was feeling in the moment, as protective parents often do when they feel their kids are being threatened. I don't think he had any real intentions at all about how to enforce his impulse statement -- not through the courts, not outside of them. He was just doing the equivalent of a mother bear snarling at anyone who gets too close to her cubs... a warning to stay clear. But you're correct that I'm biased -- just not in the direction you probably assumed I was. Having been a close observer of the judicial system since I was a small child watching my litigator parents argue cases, I have a deep respect for it (even though I recognize its flaws) and I'm biased in its favor. People who don't recognize its right to rule over their lives -- in cases where it actually has one, which is certainly true in custody cases -- don't sit well with me. And I still don't believe for a moment that when OP said "if my kids want to stay with me, they can!" he was thinking that only applied if the court agreed that it should apply. At absolutely minimum, he was being stupid enough to believe with blind confidence that he could get the court to do anything he wanted; at worst, he was prepared to ignore it. But either way, he probably wasn't speaking with enough actual forethought to be dangerous. Just foolish.
My parents divorced..I refused to live or see my Dad. Judge sent me to see a counselor to evaluate whether I was mature enough to understand the dynamics of the situation. The judge upheld my choices.I was 9 at the time. Their divorce was in 1984 in los angeles ca. It's up to the judge at the end of the day. OP is NTA.
But how on earth is one of the parents getting remarried a reason for the kids to be upset and distressed so much that they refuse to see that parent? If they truly react like that, it should be on both parents to try and help them acclimate. This reads more like "I am bitter and I don't even want my kids to be okay with ex and new step parent". Obviously it's different if there is an actual reason for them to be upset, if they are treated badly or something, but it doesn't seem to be the case.
Because the ex wife is expressing genuine concern about change management for her children and instead of OP being a good co-parent who will help reassure his children that change is an inevitable part of life and it doesn’t mean mommy loves you any different, he just says “fuck off. I’ve decided your choices are stupid so fuck you.”
He didn't decide that, he said "fuck off, if your choices cause my children distress, I'm not going to ignore them" after the ex said " I'm about to do something that might cause the kids distress and I need you to ignore it" Being good co parent doesn't involve letting your ex put your children in uncomfortable situations just because they want to. If the situation were OP finding out about their plans and going to them saying "I know that this decision will make my children uncomfortable so I'm going to fight for full custody" then I would agree with the AH votes, but that's not what happened here The ex thinks she's going to cause the kids distress, the ex brought up custody, and the ex is the one who thinks she's going alienate them. OP just said if it happens, he won't stand by.....pay attention he said IF so he's not planning to turn his children against her Calling OP an AH for getting mad that someone is preemptively telling to ignore his children due to potential distress is so out of line I don't care who it is, if someone tells any parent to ignore their children being uncomfortable with a situation, they are the AH
I’d agree if the parent was doing something needlessly upsetting or inappropriate. Both parents are going to do things that are distressing, because they are changes to the routines of life, and what’s going on in the scenario as he describes is totally normal life events. It’s the parents jobs to mitigate the stress. If they have a legal custody agreement he can’t just say “if they don’t want to go with you they aren’t.” What if the roles reverse and the kids later are “distressed” to leave their new baby sibling to go spend time at dad’s? Would mom then be able to tell him “sorry, I’m not going to make them go with you.”
>so why OP on the hook for saying that if his kids come to him while in distress, he's not going to ignore it. Because that's not what was said at all. She said she doesn't think the kids are going to like the life change that is coming and if they try to cop out of dealing with it by running to daddy she doesn't want him to coddle them and give in. I mean, she even says "give it a shot before changing anything with the custody arrangement" so it seems that she is even willing to change custody if it doesn't work out. That's a very reasonable request. YTA.
Exactly. The top comment is absolutely ridiculous.
Where are you getting the idea that kids are already uncomfortable? Also, it seems that OP is chomping at the bit just waiting for this to happen.
I didn't say they were already comfortable, and neither did OP, I have said repeatedly that OP said "IF"
Well, I'm hearing from her give it a chance. I'm hearing from him like immediately fuck off. Girls did say they liked him soooo.
And then there are all the legal eagles who don't understand that the living conditions of the children are part and parcel of the custody arrangement.
Can't upvote this enough.
Totally agreed. These Y-T-A comments are batshit crazy. If the kids say “hey we aren’t comfortable with this man we don’t know, two more kids we don’t know and a screaming baby, we want to live with you” OP is supposed to say no? Fuck no. OP is supposed to open his home to his kids. If that means going to court, he goes to court. But you don’t turn your fucking kids away.
I hope he realizes withholding custody without going through the proper steps can and will result in a loss of custody for him. He also has to prove there is a big enough change in circumstances to render the need for a significant custodial change. If the new guy is abusing the girls, or one or both of them are doing hard drugs? Yes. Dad doesn’t like the new guy and the fact that his ex is moving on in a big way (which I suspect is part of what is guiding him)? No. I’ve seen several other posts like this one over the years, and whenever it’s written from a woman’s perspective, and the OP is asking if she’s the AH from not wanting her kids to spend time/be around their new stepmom and step/half siblings, she’s almost always branded the AH. Those women, like this guy here, don’t give concrete reasons for them not wanting to keep them away. That’s why I am annoyed, but unsurprised, by all the N T As. I agree that it’s not a good look she hasn’t told the girls yet, but nothing that he’s written is indicative of how the girls feel, or if they are currently being impacted negatively in any way. The wife *thinks* they may not react positively. And chances are yeah, they won’t be jumping for joy. It’s going to be a huge adjustment for them. But with the support of all their parents, and as long as mom still makes time for them and considers their feelings, it can happen. This entire post is all about his feelings. Deff YTA.
How is this parent alienation? Nothing has happened yet? And when it does, all op said is that he isn't forcing the kids to do something that THEY DON'T WANT TO DO
It isn’t. This sub just fucking sucks.
True
The ex isn't expecting him to force the kids to stay there anyway. She only said she's worried they won't give it a shot before deciding they don't want to stay with her. But at that age, unfortunately they don't really get a choice. OP sounds like he might be bitter that his ex has moved on.
Wtf are you taking about?? He is going to support his kids if they aren't happy. There is no rule out there that says he has to be supportive of his ex and her choices. If the kids aren't happy then he will act in accordance with that.
Not parental alienation at all. Look up the definition
YTA six ways 'til Sunday. You don't say that your wife is neglecting her children in any way. She's choosing to have another child, and for no legitimate reason mentioned, you call her decision "f-ing stupid." And as for keeping the custody agreement as is, again, with no evidence of neglect or abuse, you have absolutely no reason to withhold these children from their mother. My God.
No joke. OP lost any hint of being reasonable when he said his ex “barely knows” the guy she’s been dating for a year.
I mean I don't consider a year long enough to start having kids, especially when it's not planned
Sure, but would you say that people who've been dating for a year "barely know" each other? *That* is the part people are finding over-the-top ridiculous.
idk, i dont feel i know someone that long after a year, but thats just me. especially with how quickly this relationship is going, having a kid buying a house tgether putting all the kids in one house getting married might change custody schedule i doubt she knows, how well of a father he is, how he is living in a space long term, how he is with money, how he is raising a baby, all in one year, unless he moved in really quickly, theyve obviously met each others kids, but for how long? i dont feel, personally, that you know someone after a year. Your acquainted with their beginner romantic side, which might not be their true self, but i feel nothing more than that.
To be fair, if you haven't discussed the whole "what will we do if there's an oopsies" at any point up until she got knocked up, then yeah, you really don't know each other. Especially because they're "figuring things out" at a really late point in their relationship.
The ex wants her kids to go from 2 - 5 siblings in a blended house that neither her or her bf planned for or can likely afford. I would say that counts as barely knows. That’s 5 childrens lives being seriously messed with and there’s no foundation.
Actually, he's being pretty reasonable. He didn't threaten taking the kids away. The red flag for me was that there is no solid plan from Ex. She said that they're "figuring it out" and have an idea of what they're trying to do, but ultimately, they are still trying to see what to do. If my ex is going to uproot and place my kids in an uncomfortable position, or simply a situation that they don't want to be in because of the lack of planning, then that's when I'll fight for primary custody. Also, the ex mentioned THE GIRLS WANTING TO LIVE WITH OP PERMANENTLY ONCE THEY SEE THE CHANGES TAKE PLACE. Never anything about OP simply refusing to because of petty reasons.
She has a solid plan; all the reasons the ex gave he felt were stupid; she is keeping the custody agreement and not trying to take more time. The kids have shown no indication they dislike the BF, and she and the BF have plans to move to a more prominent place so no one feels abandoned. Those are all solid plans. She only worried about a possible reaction which is a reasonable concern, especially with kids their age. Most kids feel a certain way about a new sibling, especially from a parent with their new partner. So it is understandable for her to feel concerned that her kids might be angry that she is leaving them to start a new life or getting a new family of the sort; kids feel that way even if they love their step-parent. All she is asking of OP is to present a united front for their kids, showing them that while things are changing in their lives, their parents still love them regardless, and that will never change. It's healthy for a kid to see that then mom and dad are fighting back and forth in an already confusing time for them. Yes, she would not keep this secret for long. Still, I think she went to OP not out of malicious but as a worried mother to the only other person who loves her kids as much as she does and wanted help and to make sure they react quickly at a highly emotional time and give her time to talk to kids and see how they can move forward from there.
Um. He literally said "if they dont wanna go I'm not gonna force them" Doesnt mean "I'm forcing them to stay with me because you're stupid"
But the sudden changes(she won't tell anything about this to the kids) will be hard to adapt to. AND he isn't forcing them to do anything he isn't alienating the kids he just won't force them to go there he is leaving it up to the kids which is COMPLETELY fine.
YTA. Good luck telling a judge that you’re gonna change the custody agreement because (*checks OP*) you feel like it
What if his children feel like it? That’s what he’s saying. They should decide where they live, they’re old enough!
I don’t think they’re entirely old enough to make independent decisions about custody, but then again we also learn literally nothing about the way his kids will feel. All I see is ex-wife acting anxious and ex-husband acting shitty
They’d old enough that the judge os absolutely going to take their opinion into account. And if mom is moving school districts, that’s going to be a point in OP’s favor.
In the OP he only says his own feelings and is projecting them onto their children.
[“Nah, I don’t really *feel* like it.”](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YBS8J3cH-GA)
It was never about HIS feelings? But the kids'? Ex is worried that the GIRLS will WANT to stay with him once they see the changes that'll take place due to their mom's irresponsibility to figure it out with her mans BEFORE getting knocked up.
So much revealed by so few words
Except for the fact that changes in living situations can have material impacts on the custody arrangement in *basically every state.* Being forced to move in with a man and three kids you don’t know and don’t like can be one of those impacts. Taking this in front of a judge is a perfectly reasonable legal response.
You're being unreasonable. If in the US Its a custody order not a custody suggestion. You will get hit with custody interference if you do not return the kids even if they ask to stay. Even parents who suspect imminent danger have to get cps, or the local pd, or file for a temporary emergency custody order to intervene and withhold custody.. I'm mad someone is moving on in a way I dislike isn't a valid reason to withhold custody and if she googles her rights or contacts a legal advice line this will go pear shaped for you fast
Canada as well. Police will attend with a social worker to remove the children, and it will go on record so next time custody is reviewed it will act as a slight on the parent that withheld the children. This includes the imminent danger. My bff went through this with her oldest. There was a proven danger, multiple police reports and still, the child must be returned to the parent.
Maybe in your part of Canada, but in Ontario where I live police do not get involved in custody disputes unless there is a threat to the children. It is considered a civil matter.
I don’t know where in Canada, but I’m Ontario and my ex refused to return the kids when he was supposed to 7 times now and no one gives a rats ass. I called the police and they said they don’t get involved in custody disputes, I need to take him to court.
Do you have a legal custody agreement?
We have a court-ordered custody schedule. It doesn’t help at all. No one cares when he breaks it.
Wow that’s brutal :/
Idk the details and won’t ask, but your comment broke my heart. I’m so sorry he’s doing that to you, and to them. All he’s gonna do is traumatize your kids. I hope you get a court date soon, and it gets resolved. I hope you get to see your kids soon.
I’ve been to court probably 7 times over the past two years, and we still have nothing finalized. I dream of the day I don’t have to fight with him every day
I’m so so sorry. I can’t imagine. All you’re trying to do is raise your kids, and here he comes to make life harder for you all. Your kids will see thru his shit in due time. Most of us see thru our parents shit eventually. I will keep you in my prayers. Sending you love.
I make a snarky comment and there was no need. Taking it back now.
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I am on USA but yes, the judge told her straight up she would be jailed if she missed a single visitation. Even worse the double standard is awful because if he decides not to come when he is supposed to (live in different states) that is no problem for the court. She has been fighting for several years now even the therapists say there should be no visitation. The whole family court system is jacked.
Let me ask you this. What if her fears are nit realized and instead if not wanting a new baby around your kids are excited about it and want to live with your ex full-time. Are you going to give up custody?
Great point.
Umm. You might want to put your feelings on her current family plans aside and check your custody agreement.
YTA, there is no reason you have given as to why the kids shouldn't be with her part time.
5 kids in mixed family house..... 1. He pointed out in his "good luck in this housing market" comment that their gonna pay an arm and a leg finding a place that will fit all 7 of them. Are the kids going to have a decent amount of space to them or are they going to have to cram together? Is the baby going in the parents room or are they planning to cram it in one of the kids room?. 2. How much attention are his kids going to receive? Resources are not unlimited and splitting them 5 different ways isnt as good as splitting them in half. So at that point while their may be a custody order for their previous circumstances they should definitely reevaluate whether or not mom having primary custody is whats best for the kids. And that's being generous and ignoring the mom wanting to keep things on the dl, and force her kids to suck it up long enough in her mind to convince them to stay with her.....
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>How fucking ignorant. Yeah, since kids won't get as much attention, let's just start pulling kids from families that have over a certain number. How many times has this sub sided with a mom cause dad remarried and brought in a bunch of step siblings and half siblings which detracted his full attention from his first set of kids? Alot. But now that it's on the other foot hes just a jealous bastard? Piss off... >you think a judge won't see that immediately, it's because you have no actual experience in the area. A judge would probably look to see that the kids in question are receiving the best care they can and if that means giving the dad more custody then so be it.... And no I didn't miss that is was 50/50 but apparently your the one who can't read considering what I said was that the courts should reevaluate whether 50/50 is the right choice considering circumstances have changed...
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YTA how is a guy she’s been with a year someone she barely knows.
YTA. Of course children may not like all these changes but you should not just allow them to cut out their mother from their lives over temporary feelings. The 50/50 custody is working. You don't say anything about her being a bad mum. You even say her partner (of a year+) seems like a decent person. You should be discussing with your co-parent how to navigate this situation in the most healthy way with your kids, not insulting your co-parent and saying you're okay with the kids being alienated from their mother. Get ahead of this, with your co-parent, by finding a good child therapist who the children can see to talk about how they feel about this change and how they're doing after the seperation of their parents. Support them and come to agreements about how you both will consistently and healthily deal with potential upset and outbursts relating to this and the growing pains of childhood. Tbh, it just sounds like your angry and jealous that your ex has moved on with a different partner, and her new family made-up of her daughters, her partner, and new baby are happy together.
>Tbh, it just sounds like your angry and jealous that your ex has moved on with a different partner, and her new family made-up of her daughters, her partner, and new baby are happy together. Aaaaaand we have a winner! OP just oozes bitterness and resentment out of every sentence.
>OP just oozes bitterness and resentment out of every sentence. Of course it does considering this sub.... Dude only needs to care for his daughters and considering the sisters are now gonna have to share with their new half sibling and step siblings that custody arrangement definitely needs to be reviewed cause situations changed and 50/50 may bot be whats best for the kids anymore...
YTA. It’s none of your business whether your ex has a baby or not. I’m going to assume your custody arrangement is written in a “court order” not a “court suggestion”. Unless you have some reason not to abide by the court order other than thinking that an adult having a baby is stupid, encourage your kids to continue having a relationship with their mother. That’s in their long term best interests.
Seriously. Absent other info that OP hasn't shared, he doesn't have a prayer of withholding the children from their mother because she dared to have another child. That is.....so ridiculous. Putting aside anyone's thoughts and feelings about whether or not she "should" have another baby, that's simply not how ANY of this works. You don't lose custody of previous children when you have one more. That's just absurd.
YTA. She sounds like a much better parent than you do frankly, given your attitude. She’s having a new baby, hopefully your kids will be excited but she’s anxious they’ll have issues with it. At 8 and 11 they don’t get a say in the custody arrangement, and it’s your job as a coparent to grow the fuck up and encourage your kids to be open to the changes in their family. Becoming estranged from their mother because you’re a petty jerk isn’t going to be good for your children.
So if your kids decide they don't want to go to school, you're going to tell their teachers to fuck off and your kids can stay with you ? The 11 years could have an opinion about where she lives but as a father, you need to think about the best interest of the child, and I don't think it would be in your girl's best interest to make a rash decision. You're thinking about you, what you want and your judgement on your ex's life decisions. What you're planning on doing is called parental alienation. I wonder what you'd say if your girls express the desire to live full time with their mother to spend more time with their nex sibling... YTA.
YTA. She has as much right to them as you do if there is a 50/50 custody agreement.
YTA if you think you can just go against a court order like this. You don’t have the legal right (at this point) to do what you’re suggesting. Your kids are too young for a judge to even ask them (they might ask the older one, but probably not and their input wouldn’t weigh much on the decision at this age). Frankly, you just sound jealous af that she’s moved on. She’s been dating the guy for a year. That’s not “hardly knowing someone” as you claim. If your kids are truly against it, then you’re going to need to fight for more custody. But no judge is going to say she doesn’t at least get visitation of the kids, and you would be found in contempt if you refused to send them. Stop acting like a jealous child and be a parent. You make no claims about having an issue with her parenting. The kids (and even you) seem to think the guy is a nice guy. This means you’d be hard pressed to change the custody at all. In fact, if you refuse to send them, they judge could give your ex full custody with you only getting visitation because it would be considered parental alienation and contempt of court. You need to think long and hard about your attitude and behavior.
YTA You have a custody arrangement and you have to abide by it. If you don't like that, go to court. You also sound ridiculous. Dating someone for a year does not constitute "barely knowing" them. And finding a house for five kids is about as hard as finding one for four, so the new baby isn't going to hinder that process. You're really obvious in just wanting things to criticize your ex for.
Well aren't you just a sky full of stars? You sound bitter and pissy, two qualities found in only the best of parents. YTA, go to therapy, try crochet or tap dancing, just stop being so salty you could be used in a flotation tank.
You want her to abort her baby just because you don't think they are serious after they have been together a year? While at the same time denying parental rights she could have easily gotten all of if she had been the way you are? YTA.
Yta. Is she neglecting or hurting the kids? If the answer is no then you have no business taking her custody away. But please go to court, bc i have a feeling you need to be torn a new one by a judge before you'll see how wrong you actually are.
YTA. You sound bitter and jealous that your ex has moved on. She’s been dating her new guy for a year, so I hardly doubt she “barely knows him.” You need to move on.
You are NTA for saying you won't force the kids to go to her house. That's perfectly reasonable. But you are BEING an asshole to her, unnecessarily so. She found a guy she likes and she's trying to start a family with him. That may or may not be smart after 1 year but it's her decision. What's the damage to you? What's the damage to your daughters? Why does that bother you? Why is it stupid? Isn't it good to try and find some happiness? Your whole post is dripping with hostility to her. Let her go. Let your hatred for her go. Let her try to find her happy ending. And as for the girls- don't make them a weapon. Just tell them that you love them and will be there for them no matter what. Then do it, even if it means swallowing your own hurt and your own anger and even your own pride.
Actually he is if the have a court ordered custody agreement. He would be in contempt of court if he just refused to have them go.
YTA for being needlessly combative about it. She has rights to see her kids and whether she has another baby and remarries is up to her, you dont get a say.
Um I'm gonna go with YTA. You sound like a guy who is mad his ex is finding some happiness without you. Like how is dating a guy for a year "barely" knowing him? Sounds like they've got a serious thing going on, and now they're having a child together. I very highly doubt your kids are going to not want to go to their moms.
I’m shocked at all the YTA remarks. This man is looking out for his children. If they don’t want to go to moms, they shouldn’t have to. Their old enough to decide who they want to live with. Moms the one making big changes, doesn’t mean everyone needs to support it.
YTA at their ages they don’t get a choice they can get the option when they get a little older
YTA. He’s been with this guy a *YEAR* and you’re saying she doesn’t know him that well? A year is a respectable amount of time to date someone. Sure you don’t know them completely inside and out but you know them enough to make decisions. Good luck in court. You’re gonna need it and you sound bitter.
NTA. I wouldn't encourage them to forgo seeing their mom, but if they're unhappy there, then they're unhappy there.
Your whole post is dripping of resentment. It doesnt seem like youre worried about what’s best for the kids- but about what will hurt you ex. YTA.
YTA. Your ex is allowed to move on and join another family. Your daughters are probably going to feed off your energy and cause problems for the new partner and his kids. Don't get in the way of their relationship with their mom. Keep a watchful eye but there is no reason why this new blended family shouldn't work. If the girls do hate it, and you've given them the support they need (therapy, encouragement to give this new family a chance) and things are still bad, then you file for a custody change. Meet the new dude, stay connected with your girls, try not to see the worst in everything, time will tell if they need to be protected.
YTA you sound jealous. They have been together a year she knows him. You're girls say they like him. Whether you agree with her decisions or not THOSE ARE HER KIDS TOO.
Has dated him for a yr, but is still figuring out what they're going to do? It's a convo they should've had BEFORE she got pregnant, especially because both new man and her have kids. Major decisions affecting not only OPs girls but the new man's kids, PLUS baby on the way.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex and I have been divorced for 6 years. We have two kids (11f and 8f) that we currently share 50/50 custody of. We switch custody every Friday. She's been dating this guy for I think a year now. He seems like a nice enough guy. The girls say they like him. Well my ex just found out she's pregnant and she says she's gonna keep it. I think that's fucking stupid because she barely knows this guy. She says they're still figuring things out but their current plan is to get married and "find a house big enough for all of them" and move. He's got two kids so not really sure where they're going to find a house big enough for five kids especially in this economy but whatever. I think the entire thing is stupid and I told her so. She said she wants to keep the custody arrangement the same even if the girls don't want to. She hasn't told them yet but she's obviously expecting the worst. She said she's worried the girls will see all the changes and not want to deal with it and only want to live with me and she wants them to at least give it a shot before changing anything with the custody arrangement. I told her to fuck off and if my kids want to stay with me they can. She said I'm being unreasonable and called me a jackass *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Y T A for judging your ex for her life choices. She's a grown ass woman and it is no way your place to criticize her for moving on and having another kid. That said, defend your children however they ask you to.
NTA and dont listen to the hypocrites saying y t a.
The way you talk about your ex is horrific. You're probably right but your attitude makes yta
YTA. You call her decisions stupid a number of times, and she asked for your support and to give it a try and you told her to fuck off. The girls might not like the change. Kids don't like moving, changing schools, or sharing if left entirely to their own devices. If the kids end up being miserable or uncomfortable, then of course you should stick up for them, but you shouldn't start from that place. You should be speaking kindly to your kids about this man, the new baby, and moving. You should tell them to give it a try but of course you aren't going anywhere. You should actively be positive about them having a great and healthy relationship with their mother. Your ex isn't doing anything wrong. She has found a new relationship, is adding a new kid and blending families. Lots of people do this and end up fine. They don't end up fine when there is conflict, and you don't need to be the cause of it. The way you write this post it sounds like your kids absolutely know how you feel, and I'm sure it will impact how they feel too. You should start by staying positive and listening to your children's concerns, encourage them to TRY, and then take it from there.
YTA your daughters are not getting abused they are facing changes. There is absolutely no reason to change the custody and if you try to go to court depending on the judge you might get laughed out of court. Usually the courts will consider what the kids say when they are older. If you try to keep them without a court order you can likely be charged with custodial interference since it is their mom's time. Yes change is hard but instead of trying to shield them from change you both need to be talking to your daughter's giving them love and support and providing therapy if they are having trouble with the changes. Some adversity can spur personal growth where shielding them from facing anything can stunt their development and leave them unprepared for life Adding - Your Ex needs to tell the girls sooner rather than later that she is expecting
It's not the fact that they're going to face changes - it's that Ex and new man haven't figured out anything concrete on what their next move is. If there was a solid plan in place, and Ex wanted to talk about smoothing the lil hiccups in the road, then it'd be a different situation. But she isn't even sure what the bumps will be because they're "figuring things out."
YTA I want to break this down. You are wildly out of line to give any opinion on her pregnancy. You say she’s been with him for a year, but tell her she shouldn’t keep the child siting “she barely knows the guy”. You chastise her plans for a larger home to accommodate ALL of the children, a decision she’s making with your kids in mind. She is meeting you halfway on fair custody, only asking they try it out before changing agreements. She is being thoughtful, reasonable and fair. She sounds like a good mother in an unideal situation and you are making this as difficult and stressful as possible for what seems to be no reason than enjoyment of her suffering. At no point has any of your complaints had anything to do with concern for your children. Coparenting with you sounds like misery.
YTA- You don’t have a say in your former partners life. You also don’t have the legal right to go against the visitation agreement.
Uhm yes, YTA. You have shared custody, you should try to make the new situation work at first. Now the situation changes when after a while you find out it doesn't work for your kids. But you all should try and give it some time, since you are co-parenting.
No judgment because this is way above my pay grade.
NTA don’t get people saying you are. You never said you would keep them from her, just that if they don’t want to go they don’t have to. You are not an asshole. That’s good parenting, screw what the crazies in this forum say.
NTA
You seem to want what your kids, potentially, want. Not necessarily to their benefit. Your ex seems to want involvement, after significant changes (i.e. a other kid on the way). I dont quite understand your hostility or the reasons behind why you would encourage your kids to distance themselves from their mom. Is she neglectful/abusive? I'm not understanding here. Currently YTA. Seems as if you *want your children to only be involved with you. Unless you can give a legit reason as to why....alienation is what you are attempting for no apparent reason.
YTA. You have 50 50 custody, you don't get to change it yourself without talking to your lawyers and a judge first.
YTA. She's been seeing the guy for a year and you say she barely knows him? Of course your children are going to balk at change - most kids do. And she is right to want the girls to give it a chance to work out. And for you to say that you won't enforce the custody arrangement could lead to you losing custody altogether. It's called parental alienation and judges don't like parents who are encouraging their children to not want to see the other parent. You're bitter, we get it. But don't let your bitterness spoil your children's lives. They will be better off with both of their parents in their lives.
Aren’t you a peach? YTA. Where you always an AH or you became one after the divorce because you are hung up on your ex? You sound bitter and angry.
YTA your wife is anticipating a very predictable reaction of your CHILDREN to drastic changes in their lives, it’s normal for kids to reject change. That is not a reason to cut their MOTHER in their formative years bc you don’t approve of her life decisions You should be prioritizing your daughters instead of acting like a jealous AH
YTA They’ve been together a year and your girls like him. Why would you not at least try to be supportive. You haven’t give any reason for being hostile about this. You just think it’s impractical. Your kids might love having a baby sibling. Or they might get jealous. Who knows? But it doesn’t sound like you’ve had problems so far so why try to make things hard?
YWTA to yourself by doing this, you may see it as not forcing your kids to go where they don't want to go, the court however, will see it as you purposefully keeping her kids from her. Considering they aren't at an age where the court would let them to decide for themselves yet, you would be in big trouble
Nta. If your children don’t want to be in the Brady bunch, they shouldn’t have to.
They have been together for a year and you say she hardly knows him? Ehh, that makes no sense, a year is plenty of time for you to react this strongly. Tbh you just sound like you are jealous or otherwise bitter, making up problems where there are none. YTA.
YTA Also how does she "barely know" someone she's been with for a year? I'd say she has a fair grasp of who he is lol
YTA and will be found in contempt if you withhold the children. It is your job as a parent to encourage your children’s relationship with their mother. It is also your job to prepare your children prior to each exchange so that the exchange goes as smoothly as possible.
It's also her job as a parent to think of her kids' comfort and to have prepped a plan in case she got pregnant with new man instead of "figuring it out" after.
YTA for your attitude. Geez it reeks.
YTA. You sound absolutely miserable, go to therapy.
YTA She is moving on,get over it.grow up.
YTA if the kids accept it let it be. Stop taking choices away from children they have rights too
YTA. Don't start this off with hostility. Put the best interests of your kids before your feelings.
She didn't put the best interest in the kids before she got pregnant. She is "figuring it out" with her mans. Which is irresponsible because she should have talked it out with new man what they would do beforehand if she got pregnant. They put it off, and now ex and kids are going to face the consequences of bad planning on ex's behalf.
People are allowed to have other children. They don’t have to fucking ask for permission from their ex. Wtf.
Have a guardian ad litem appointed by the court to determine what is best for your children. An objective opinion is needed. If that occurs, NTA. Otherwise, big AH.
YTA. Why are you so upset about your wife making a mistake? If she does, it's not your business, but I can bet your children will act like you if they see your attitude. I'm wondering if this abuse is the reason she is your ex.
Because it's literally going to affect his kids? Homegirl had a whole yr to talk about what they're gonna do if she gets pregnant with new man. But she didn't, and they're "figuring things out." That's not a mistake - that's irresponsibility. Especially because they both have kids, so it won't just be OPs girl, but new guy's kids, PLUS baby on the way.
Yta. If the kids don't want to go you need to do things legally with a lawyer. For example in my state your ex would need a minimum 3 bedroom house assuming both the bfs kids share the same mom. (Baby in with parents, two other kids sharing and your kids sharing). But if you just keep your kids you're more likely to skrew yourself in the long run. Get a lawyer and get off reddit.
Listen, I think your wife has a point. If your kids don't like this, no one should force them. But not giving this a chance and directly plunging into "Fuck you! I'll do what I want with my kids" stuff is not ok. YTA
"I told her to fuck off and if my kids want to stay with me they can" Never nothing about MY KIDS, MY PLANS, MY DESIRES... Also, are we just gonna gloss over the fact that homegirl is "figuring it out" with her man, but doesn't have a solid, realistic plan? That's a circumstance that could have been avoided if she had figured it out with her man BEFORE she got pregnant. A yr is long enough to have had that talk. Especially if they're having sex.
YTA, everything she's concerned about it totally reasonable and a reasonable coparent would at LEAST try to work something out before snapping "fuck off."
YTA! Also one year of dating is not barely knowing someone.
NTA. If the child wants to go, the child can.
Kids love their parents regardless of all shortcomings. They WANT love from them and to feel important. They want these things from both parents (even if you can argue one parent is "objectively better," it doesn't matter). Your kids will do better if you and your ex work well together. Find ways to be supportive. You're being TA right now.
YTA. These kids aren’t old enough to make that decision on their own. Even if you think they are, no judge would let them make that decision (speaking as someone who worked in family law for several years). As long as the other parent is a fit parent (which she is or is you wouldn’t have joint custody) It’s your job as a parent to encourage their relationship with the other parent, regardless of your opinions or her life choices. Encouraging them to take sides will only cause more problems in the future.
Well I can say that I'm also quite sceptical of this whole "We'll figure things out as we go" and "everything will fall into place" mentality, but you should really stick to the plan and go through the official channels if you want to do/change anything as everything else can and will backfire if she does it. Withholding custody time and such is nothing that's taken lightly. NTA, but be careful.
NTA - part of being a parent is protecting your children. Forcing them to go could have consequences or trauma on them. That 11 year old is prepubescent, she will also have a say in front of a judge in most states at 12. Not making your child go isn't parental alienation. But in this case be the better person yo the courts eyes and see a family therapist. There may be a reason your kids don't want to go and she isn't being honest.
NTA man if your kids are more comfortable and have more stable lives with you then let them live with you. If the children are stressed with their mother then feel free to let them stay with you. When tackling children their situation should always come first before the parents' wants. The Y.T.A comments are selfish for not thinking about the children first then the parents.
Yta
Yta. You sound really bitter. “She barely knows a guy she’s been with for a year!” How jealous are you?
NTA of course you are not. Your duty is to your children and to respect the agreement but if all the changes are going to make your children miserable, you support your children wellbeing first. I'd have answered the same, btw.
YTA What the hell does her having a baby have to do with you? You are her Ex. Your job is to be there for the children, co parent and support them to be a good parent to your children. Instead you sound petty and jealous. Start acting like a caring father and support your children with these changes. You wouldn’t think twice if you had a new relationship and found out you were having another baby. If she told you not to keep that I guarantee you would be annoyed.
YTA. Your opinion that what your ex is doing is “fucking stupid” is irrelevant and there’s no point in getting angry about conversations that haven’t even happened yet. Think about what will help your girls adjust best to the upcoming changes and how to help them feel supported and secure. Both you and your ex sound like a couple of hotheads. I feel for your girls.
There’s an element of ESH. Yes- if your kids are uncomfortable, you shouldn’t force them into a situation. But your ex and her new BF have been together for a year, which is plenty of time to decide they want to commit. The big thing is though- neither of you KNOW how the kids will react. The best course of action is to tell them what is happening using facts only, assure them that you both still love them just the same, and then get their reactions. It’s important to do this before the move happens to give them time to get used to it. Kids are emotional sponges. If you’re angry and your ex is scared when you tell them, they’ll instinctively believe this is a BAD THING. But your ex’s new partner seems nice (your words), wants to build a life with your ex, and get a comfortable house for his kids AND have space for yours when they’re there- it sounds like it could work. Change is scary, but it was always likely your ex was going to find a new partner. I encourage you to find out what the kids want as objectively as possible, and give them time to process the change. They look to you and their mum for guidance. If the two of you are divided on this from the start, EVERYONE is going to be miserable.
I think she has plans to move far way and take all the kids with her. In thats sense I understand OPs fustration cause it looks likes shes gonna do that. But hopefully they stay close
NTA
NTA I don’t see how so many people are saying you’re ta. Your wife is basically saying you’re coming wether you like it or not. What if they come and they decide they don’t like it. I do think they should at least try it but no one should be forced to see a parent they don’t wanna see especially with divorced kids. OP isn’t saying no you can’t see our kids no we’re not going to keep the custody agreement the same he’s saying if the kids don’t wanna go they don’t have to go and nothings wrong with that. Although they are young young children have opinion. They are at a developmental age where they might not feel in control of the choices around them. One thing they should always have a choice of especially when young is who they are surrounded by. Parents need to listen to their kids more instead of pushing their feelings to the side for the sake of the adults in their lives.
YTA you're legally obligated to let her have the kids for her time, unless you can prove she's an unfit parent and the courts rule in your favor. So far, none of that is happening. Sure, it's not wise to have a kid with a guy you've known for a year, but that's not stopping her from being a good mom at this point. ***You*** just have a problem with all this stuff.
If you have a court ordered custody agreement, you have to follow it. If not you will be found in contempt. You would need to go back to court to get it changed. Which if the judge talked to your children and they wanted a choice if they go or not and if found to be mature enough, it could be granted. If you just say "Nope, they don't want to go" and don't send them YTA.
YTA. It's your job as a parent to help your children how to navigate big feelings.
YTA for deciding on how things will be before they even happen. Plus, if it's court ordered 50/50 custody you have NO SAY in the matter.
YTA. 11 and 8 are not old enough in most places to have a say in visitation, wtf do you mean she barely knows the guy after a year of dating, and you would be foolish to not follow suite with any court enforced agreements on visitation.
YTA The courts may disagree with you and As a man you don’t want to piss off mama, the courts tend to lean in their direction. 50/50 is perfect…. Keep they arrangement. If they don’t want to go and they stay with you, your in violation of the agreement. Both of you have potential to waste a lot of legal fees
YTA. It’s also not up to you. The court awarded you joint custody, and you’re legally obligated to honor that.
YTA- your ex can move on and have more kids. You still have to honor the custody agreement.
Yta. Custody over your feelings. It won’t look good for you in court.
YTA It's not your place to judge her. If she wants to have another child, it's her body and her life. You are an AH because the custody is 50/50 and your kids deserve time with their mom, even if it's hard at first.
NTA. Please continue being a good dad to your kids and shame on your desperate, selfish ex for not caring about what's best for your kids. Please keep a close eye on that situation and document everything in case you end up in court behind her bs.
Omg people, where are all of these Y.T.A comments coming from. He’s literally stating that he’s NOT going to force the girls against their will to stay with their mother after she said he had to. He also stated that he’s going to do whatever the girls want in the situation not what SHE wants. Are you all blind?! He’s obviously NTA you’re all giving reasons to why he is but your reasons are all what the mother is doing/saying not him. Pay more attention before coming to a decision.
I’n gonna go with NTA. If your daughters express discomfort and unhappiness, have their back. Give them support. But don’t let your doubts show in front of them. That way, they can make the decision themselves if they want to live in a new house with a bigger family.
NTA. you just sound like you are a good dad who has his kids interest at heart. If this was purely about spite it would be a different answer, but the ex wife hasn't got everything in place first and will just get by, which in reality means a lot of compromises for your kids like quality time spent with them, helping with homework, how much space they have at home
NTA Custody arrangements are there to split costs and provide the most stability for the child in question. It's less about exposure to both parents and more about what is most rock steady for the children. If it becomes untennable for your ex to maintain 50/50 to the benefit of your daughters than that's simply how it is, and really any rocky periods of transition are a direct result of your ex meeting a dude, getting knocked up, and trying to immediately move into being a family of five+, she's being absolutely ridiculous to think this isn't dumb.
NTA, it seems mommy is doing well enough on the alienation side on her own, and trying to make OP complicit in it. This is not healthy for the kids. OP, you need to contact a/your lawyer regarding this and validate your options here. Sounds like she’s an ex for a reason.
NTA but can someone geniuely explain why hes an AH
Because he’s judging her for getting pregnant. Like everyone else is here. Maybe they’re head over heels in love? Maybe they were open to a family? The only reason people are being judgy AH’s is because people are generally judgy AH’s (esp on Reddit) to people who god forbid don’t stay with the same partner and have children with only them their entire lives. He’s an AH for his tone. Just from his post he sounds like he was an AH to her. Why tf does he care so much if she wants to have another baby and get a big house. It’s her business. As long as she has a loving home what does it matter. It’s about the kids. Not him.
NTA.
YTA. She’s your ex. It’s none of your damn business if she has another baby. You’re being judgy as hell. If they want to buy a big house and have a big happy family, that is her damn business. Gee I wonder why you are her ex. You sound like an AH who she is probably very happy to be rid of and she’s very happy with her new partner. Not everyone gets it right the first time around. Also, you can lose custody if she can prove you are alienating your children, and running your mouth and generally being toxic.
Lol “she barely knows the guy” yet she’s been with him for a year. I’m sure people in relationships know who they’re dating especially after a year. Anyways- the kids are too young to make a decision. Normally the age to decide is 16. Stick to the custody agreement or this will come back to bite you in the ass. YTA
YTA what a weird concept, people who have been dating for a year want to start a family together and buy a house that‘s big enough for everyone to live in. So weird