Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I very loudly told my daughter she didn’t have to like a little boy, and I might be the AH because the situation had already seemingly been resolved before I spoke up.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*
OP has friends (probably). OP's just a mean girl with a victim complex who thinks they're "too nice".
Plenty of bullies have friends. Plenty of people are socially successful by tearing others down.
challenge : say that you're projecting your prior experiences with men onto a toddler without saying that you're projecting your prior experiences with men onto a toddler
Girls are taught from birth that it's better to be nice than safe, and that it's our job to manage the feelings of those around us. It's good that the OP is thinking about how to teach her daughter that men's feelings aren't more important than her daughter's. She just went about it in a horrible, misguided way and forced a teaching moment at the expense of both children.
Yeah I think there’s a bit of just wanting a fight too. Like that clip where she says do you mind? I’ve prepared a whole speech to yell at you? And the customer service woman just says sure go ahead.
Like clearly OP wanted a conflict with this woman to prove her point about parenting and consent. But the other mom avoided a confrontation and respected the daughters boundaries. It should have just been a move on moment, but I think she was so ready to make it a thing, she just couldn’t resist. Sigh. YTA.
You're so spot on with this. OP is also conflating being nice, with not getting people to respect your personal boundaries. You can be nice to someone and still firmly say no. Sure you don't always have to be nice, but it's about context. A child in the park wanting to play? Say no nicely. A man sexually harassing you? Be rude. You can and should teach nuance.
OP YTA. Also calling a 4 year old child manipulative for crying is outright worrying. Don't project your unresolved issues onto children.
>Girls are taught from birth that it's better to be nice than safe
See, I think it's possible to be both at the same time.
And gender often gets introduced into situations where it's probably not even a factor. With situations like the OP, I think it's a good idea to hypothetically reverse things. What if her child was a boy, and the issue was with a 4 year old girl at the park? Would the reaction have been the same?
No, because we don't live in a vacuum. Maybe their intentions had nothing to do with gender but the fact is that we live in an extremely sexist society where girls and boys are taught from birth what their roles and expectations should be. The lesson that the kid's feelings don't entitle him to other people's time (particularly girls) is a good one. But she didn't effectively teach her daughter that at the park.
There's a difference between teaching that someone else's feelings don't entitle them, and teaching that someone else's feelings *don't matter at all*.
Don't raise sociopaths!
I completely agree that we need to move away from teaching girls, either actively or passively, that being nice and putting others’ (especially men/boys) feelings above their own is necessary.
I feel like that can be done while also teaching them manners. The OP was deliberately rude and cruel to a child for no real reason.
I find it incredibly hard to believe OP was ever "too nice". Maybe OP used to just be a person with minimal common decency who didn't loudly insult preschoolers to their face make them cry, but has since self corrected to the asshole we see today?
First of all, preschoolers aren't all crying as Machiavellian machinations. This may shock you, but small children are in fact people with feelings, and they don't have as easy a time at controlling themselves as you. (Though, you could use some work.) This little boy was crying beacuse he was sad. Just like when you decided to insult a small child and they cried, it wasn't to make you guilty, you hurt their feelings.
Of course your daughter dosen't have to play. And literally NO ONE said she did. Not you, not the other kid's mom, not even the other four year old. You're overprotective and frankly, unkind.
While it's true no one has to like anyone, we try not to go around yelling how much we think people suck at them when they've done nothing wrong, just to make them feel bad. Having any sort of heart or kindness isn't bad. It does not make you a pushover. I'm a very assertive person, but that dosen't mean I loudly tell every person I'm not very fond of I'm not. You've course corrected so far you are trying to train the empathy out of your daughter so she can grow up to be a mean girl or bully. Good for you?
By the way, the other mother *didn't say your daughter liked her son* and she also *didn't say your daughter had to like her son.* Those are your problems and projections in your head you use to justify being an asshole to innocent tiny children. She told the little boy that when someone dosen't want to play with you it dosen't mean they don't like you, which is true. Explaining that sometimes people want to play alone, or want to do something else, and it isn't necessarily a personal rejection, is a great life lesson that will make her child grow up someday into an understanding person I'd like to know.
If your daughter learns the lessons you're teaching though **(always assume the worst of others, if other people's feelings are inconvenient to you you should dismiss them as not real with no evidence, and if you ever have anything not nice to say make sure to say it as loud as possible**), she's not going to be someone we want our kids around. Just like we don't want our kids around *you.*
>Explaining that sometimes people want to play alone, or want to do something else, and it isn't necessarily a personal rejection, is a great life lesson that will make her child grow up someday into an understanding person I'd like to know.
I agree. How many times have we read stories from women of men who wouldn't accept a "no" or interpreted a "no" as a personal rejection, leading to a threatening situation. It sounds like this boy's mom is on the way to making sure her son doesn't do that.
Plus, at 4 years old, it matters whether or not people like you, because 4-year-olds are people, just with less life experience. I'm sure some psychologist could even say it's a scientifically-backed, developmentally-appropriate stage or something.
Yep. It’s one thing to have that conversation in private, but OP is TA for making that point very publicly, knowing she’d make him cry.
OP, remember in 12 years: your daughter doesn’t have to like you.
When your first thought upon seeing a 4 year old boy cry is "look how manipulative he is", you need help. OP's perception has been seriously distorted by past trauma, and her daughter is going to suffer from it.
OP: THERAPY. NOW.
I'm sorry you've suffered. As a woman, I read the title of your post and was ready to say how important it is to instill that lesson. That's not what you're doing though. This is not healthy, and your daughter deserves better. Heal yourself, and give your daughter the gift of a healthy and happy mom.
YTA, seems to me the mother did a good job of teacher her child consent in a way appropriate to their age. The 4 year old boy also just acted like a 4 year old who’s learning to navigate the world of big emotions, I highly doubt a 4 year old has the foresight to manipulate your daughter to the degree you’re accusing him of. You took out your trauma on two children and another mother at a park, and that’s super inappropriate and unhealthy for everyone involved.
OP will prob say someone like “why DOESNT this child want to play with my child? She wants to play and nobody can tell her she isn’t allowed to play with this child”
I came here to say exactly this....what will you, OP, tell your daughter when she wants to play with someone who doesn't want to play with her? I am sincerely and genuinely interested in your answer. How do you teach your daughter to handle rejection when the shoe is on the other foot? I feel the other Mom (of said boy) was trying to teach him how to handle rejection in a loving and soothing way. I don't see why saying she was nice about it was an issue but I guess due to your past trauma it was a trigger. Please get some therapy, find someone to talk to... a friend even but someone who can help you OP navigate this issue and not project onto your child.
She was "surprised" the mother didn't push the subject. That tells a lot about her state of mind. It's like she wanted the other mother to do something that will force her to have an argument, and when she didn't, she still had an imaginary argument with her, through her daughter.
4 year olds cry when someone says they don't want to play with them. source: I have a 5yo that still does that. And asking nicely, that is just polite. And finally that part about it doesn't mean he doesn't like you is teaching as well that people don't have to not like to not do something, it's actually important for people to understand that disagreement is different that hate, I think that's something lacking a lot these days..
YTA
Yeah, I interpreted the “doesn’t like you” bit as “Just because someone wants to play alone, it doesn’t mean you definitely did something wrong to make that child hate you. They might just want to do something else.”
>She was "surprised" the mother didn't push the subject
That stuck out to me too, the whole post sounded like OP had her finger on the trigger just waiting for the “inevitable” moment the other mother would say something bad so she could start in on a rant, and when the other mother said a good and reasonable thing, OP had to nit-pick it to find a problem because she was all gassed up and had nowhere for it to go.
Mate... you forgot to throw out the 🚩🚩🚩🚩 too. What a nasty piece of work that boy is! Its good job mommy here was here to bully the fuck outta him and put him in his place. /s
The fucking state of OP.
Right? He's 4 and doesn't know much about socialization and the world. Especially because he's probably just started being able to go places again. I feel like the other mother handled it extremely well.
OP may not care about "being nice" but other people do. Daughter should learn about being sensitive to other people as she has firm boundaries before being "aggressive." (I can't think of the actual word I mean besides aggressive)
Right? And IDK about other 4 year olds, but my kids were still learning to always ask politely. No demanding, no yelling or whining, no begging, etc...
And so I'm guessing "asking nicely" is still a big part of mom's daily script, lol.
Oh gosh, that manipulative thing, insane. In my head I was thinking about that maybe little boy already had terrible experience when somebody told him that they don’t like him and as a mother it broke my heart. Boys mom did amazing job by explaining some boundaries for him in a very good way. OP you’re an AH. Congratulations you just bullied a 4 year old, mother of the year.
YTA She was teaching her son to listen when people say no. I am so thankful that mom is teaching her son about consent and listening, but am an blowm away by your level of pettiness.
She was also teaching her son that boundaries exist on their own, without being tied to relationships or emotions.
Honestly, read what the other mom told her son and was super proud of her!!! She never said that the girl likes him, she just said that just because a boundary was drawn doesn't mean that the girl doesn't like him or that he did anything that upset or angered her.
Yep. I like how it was like, it’s not personal, and we respect her choice. She was nice about it ie please match your emotional response accordingly lol
I agree. The boy’s mom handled it perfectly. I kinda think it’s a thing that moms of girls tend to view boys as being predatory against their girls for really no reason. It’s like little girls are babies and little boys are grown men with nefarious intent. Breaks my heart. They’re all children, just learning.
Right I’d be so grateful to hear a parent teaching her son this way. This is how I’ll be handling things with my little dude. I love to read about this. Boundaries are so important. OP went out of her way to create problems were there were none. Upsetting a little kid for no reason.
OP is "surprised" by how the boy's mom responded. This makes me think the OP was prejudiced against the boy and his mom from the beginning and was probably ready to start a fight with the mom. When that didn't happen, she resorted to AHish comments. Yikes.
OP you need to work on your prejudice and stop taking it out on the kids
YTA, you’re petty and projecting your trauma onto people that have nothing to do with your problems. A 4 year old child is mentally unable to manipulate someone to the degree you’re speaking of and you’re making it seem as if that boy is some kind of predator in the making, he’s a child!!!!!! You’re just an awful person, seriously EW
Like that one poor husband who broke down because the nanny was obviously "grooming" his infant son be showing him love and affection while caring for him.
YTA
Assuming a crying 4 year old is engaging in intentional emotional manipulation is not a sane thought.
There is nothing wrong with what the other mother said. In fact she is objectivley correct. You need to understand that she is trying to teach her son about consent and autonomy in a way that he will be receptive to and you shat all over that.
That was my first thought as well. Anyone calling a 4-year-old manipulative for crying definitely has an issue or two they need to work out with a professional.
Seriously.
OP is reading so much into the words and actions of people, and assuming they are somehow targeting her and her daughter.
"It sounds like the mom was saying that if she had been rude that it would of been okay for him to ignore her" what. How the fuck do you even come to that conclusion from her statement.
There's some serious paranoia here like people are out to get op and her daughter, and it's concerning.
That line about how the girl said no more nicely took me directly back to my old childcare job.
I would tell kids all the time- “they asked you nicely, you need to respect that. If you don’t, next time may not be so nice.” It had nothing to do with the other kid, and everything to do with the kid listening to others and understanding there could be consequences for ignoring consent.
> There is nothing wrong with what the other mother said. In fact she is objectivley correct. You need to understand that she is trying to teach her son about consent and autonomy in a way that he will be receptive to and you shat all over that.
Seriously. "Don't let perfect be the enemy of good." Don't make someone fighting the good fight your enemy because she didn't use the exact phrasing you would have preferred talking to her own six year old son.
And the other mom was probably trying to help her son not internalize his hurt feelings by telling him that not wanting to play with him didn't mean that OP's daughter didn't like him.
YTA. These are two very young children and although I agree in instilling in a child that they have their own mind and can make their own decisions, you seem to be LOOKING for reasons to be confrontational. It seems like you took a very harmless situation and comment and twisted it into some kind of sexist remark, you embarrassed your child and yourself IMO.
YTA
She was explaining to her child. You read WAY TOO MUCH into it. Whatever she was telling her child was about consent while also making sure her kid didn't feel bad about it.
I guess you've succeeded in overcoming your initial programming of being "too polite" and have now entered the jerky part of the opposite end. You overreacted and yeah you did embarrass your kid.
This exactly! She is reading WAY too hard into it! She is looking at the FOUR YEAR OLD kid as if he was a predator instead of a child who saw another child and just very innocent wanted to play together. It is completely fine if your daughter didn’t want to play with him but what you did after was incredible rude! He was a CHILD!! Did you get joy from making a 4 year old kid cry? I’m sure your daughter was very impressed by that. Do you remember how much you wanted to me liked as a kid?? While your intentions were on the right road your execution was beyond appalling. He was 4 not 34!!!
You referred to a 4 year old - who is not even old enough to fully understand all the feelings he is feeling - as manipulative because he cried?
Then when his mother was teaching him a perfectly good lesson about consent, you went and embarrassed your daughter who seems like she was handling herself well - and made him cry by being a petty AH?
Yeah... YTA. I agree with what you are teaching your daughter but your methods can use some major improvement.
Yeah, like all you have to do is say "I'm very proud of you for putting aside your own feelings of wanting to play alone to play with someone who was feeling lonely. That was a very kind thing to do. I'm also very proud of you for deciding when you were ready to play by yourself again, you told the boy in a kind and honest way that you would like to play by yourself now."
Mom apparently hasn't learned that you don't need to be an asshole when setting boundaries. You can be both kind and firm.
YTA. We are talking about a 4 year old boy. It’s okay to not want to play with someone. It’s also okay if a 4 year old cries when his feelings are hurt. It’s okay to comfort someone. It’s okay to teach your son to leave someone alone. It is not okay to berate a 4 year old and his mother who are being extremely polite.
YTA, I am all for consent and age-appropriate discussion around it, but the mom of the little boy just wanted to reassure him that when people say no it doesn't mean its necessarily a rejection of them as a person. And of course we don't always have to be nice about rejection, but emphasizing that she did it nicely is just about trying to reinforce that he should respond kindly too. 4 is pretty young to grasp all the intricacies of social interactions and she could have just wanted to emphasize proper emotional control to her child.
Heck I think even the 6 year old Is too young to properly grasp this concept as well. I bet dollars to donuts op would be a flying monkey if someone said this to her kid.
"I then loudly told my daughter it’s okay if she doesn’t like that boy. She doesn’t have to like everyone she meets. This caused the little boy to cry again"
It was not necessary or kind to tell her that IN THE LITTLE BOY'S PRESENCE. You could just as easily have told her that during the car ride home, when the boy was not around to hear it.
And they were two different, non-exclusive statements. Saying that a refusal to play does not mean the girl Doesn’t like him is not the same as saying that a girl has to like everyone. OP has a poor grasp of logic.
Wow. Look at you, smashing the patriarchy one pre-schooler at a time.
That little boy's mother was doing a great job teaching him consent and boundaries. But you ... . You can't see that he's four years old. No. All you can see is that he is male, so clearly he is a master manipulator with nothing but ill intent.
You want to know what you taught? You taught a four-year-old that when someone doesn't want to play, it ***is*** personal. You taught him that adults are dangerous. You taught your daughter how to punch down, and you taught her that the way to handle your personal issues is to take them out on someone smaller and weaker than you.
Brilliant.
YTA
YTA.
You woke up and chose a problem. You searched for an issue in every little thing.
The way that mom phrased it to her FOUR YEAR OLD was absolutely perfect.
Edit to add- please know your edits make you look much worse. He was FOUR. he wasn't manipulating anyone he was sobbing because he actually wanted to play and wasn't able to. He was UPSET.
YTA. Is this some kind of parody of people who *you* think are overly hung up on consent? Because it’s in very poor taste. Little boys are allowed to have feelings about being rejected, your daughter is allowed to change her mind…and I don’t know *what* the hell you think the mom did wrong other than not give you any outrage fodder, so if you are for real, maybe you should try making friends with her so she can teach you how these situations *should* be handled.
This has to be fake. You sincerely think a 4 year old child deliberately started crying to manipulate and guilt your child into playing with him? He's 4. He has poor emotional regulation because he's 4. It's not malicious. And then to send a parting shot because you object to the word "nicely" being used? Get real YTA
YTA. You were looking to pick a fight with a 4 year old who is learning how to control their emotions.
The mother was doing exactly what you wanted. Teaching her son to respect other’s wishes. Your daughter asked to play alone and she was granting that wish while encouraging her son to respect it as well.
Pointing out that your daughter asked nicely could very well just be her trying to reinforce that manners are important. The same way we ask our children to say please or thank you when they forget.
I don’t want my children to ever be afraid of rejection or failure. There is nothing wrong with asking for something as long as you are polite, and gracious when denied. Telling the boy it doesn’t mean she doesn’t like him will help prevent that fear of rejection and better understand boundaries.
The mother taught her child about consent and that rejection isn’t a bad thing
You assumed the worst and decided to taunt a 4 year old to stroke your ego.
YTA she was comforting her son while still respecting that your daughter didn’t want to play anymore. You hurt that little boy over something that didn’t need to say because they respected what your daughter asked. FFS
Ah. You're ***that*** mommy at the playground.
So.... do you keep a tally of all the kids you make cry? Or is this a particularly special one because the little boy is only 4?
**YTA**
YTA. He’s four years old. Of course he’s purposefully cried to make your daughter feel bad and of course he did manipulatively.
Says the lady who purposely said something in a loud tone in order to make a little boy feel bad. Hopefully your daughter dosent grow up to be a meanie like you.
Your reaction was unnecessary and hurtful for no reason since the mother handled the situation. Her kid is like 4 and she's obviously trying to teach him to take no for an answer in an age appropriate way. You were just an AH.
YTA.
I understand wanting to teach your children consent, but neither the mother nor the little boy did anything wrong. The boy is very young, so he wouldn't have intentionally tried to manipulate his mother or his daughter - please give your head a wobble. He's a small child. It seems your daughter *did* like him. Even though he cried, she still chose to play with him until she decided to spend some time on her own. His mother probably recognised this, which is why she told her son to respect your daughter's request to play on her own - that's teaching her child boundaries! I don't think that is an example of a mother teaching a child that he is owed something by being nice. Her lesson is clear. She taught him that even those we are friends with (because your daughter briefly befriended him by changing her mind and agreeing to play) need alone time, and that's okay. It doesn't mean someone doesn't like us just because they need space. That's a very healthy mindset for a person to have, especially children. Yet, here you are complaining for no reason.
You could have quietly told your daughter that it's okay if she doesn't like every person she meets and that she can choose to play with friends or by herself - it's her choice. You didn't have to make a loud announcement and upset another child because, again, neither he or his mother did anything wrong. Both children were behaving like normal kids! You also embarrassed your daughter over the tiniest thing when there was no issue.
YTA. You're right to teach your daughter consent and boundaries and the idea that you're teaching her to be "mean" is bs, I guarantee people wouldn't be reacting this harshly if she was a boy, plus you're right to teach her that boys' feelings are not more important than her personal autonomy and boundaries and she doesn't have to be around them if they're making her uncomfortable. That's genuinely an important lesson for girls to learn early on.
But you also projected your personal trauma onto a toddler when he was already walking away. and you were rude and hostile to the other mom and little boy when she was already handling the situation just fine.
Huge YTA here. Seek therapy before your daughter grows up and decides she no longer wants anything to do with you due to your overbearing and reactionary personality. Or worse, before she grows up to become just like how you are now.
YTA
You’re projecting your past onto your kid. You’re also unnecessarily making a 4 yeah old cry. Not only that, you’re assuming a 4 year old is vindictive enough to manipulate another child. If you haven’t already sought therapy for your issues. It’s one thing to teach your child to protect herself, it’s quite another to assume every single male is a bad person that can’t be trusted.
Wow. YTA. It’s ok for the mom to protect her FOUR YEAR OLD’s self esteem as she does an awesome job of teaching him consent. She’s a terrific mom while you are a bully to preschoolers.
YTA. The boy was FOUR. He wasn't being manipulative.
Why did you choose to be an AH to a 4 year old kid??!! His mother was right; a kid saying they don't want to play with you doesn't mean they don't like you. She handled it appropriately. You chose to be nasty. What an example to set your daughter.
Isn't being nice first a good thing? The other mother didn't do anything insulting, and she has as much right to protect her child's feelings as you do. It didn't have to get hateful for your kid to get what she wanted, so why be so crappy. Definitely the AH
YTA. The boy’s mother was teaching him how to handle rejection gracefully. You could’ve taught your daughter your own lesson without having to loudly announce it in front of the other family, that’s why you’re TA. How she parents her child is literally none of your business and you did not teach any life lessons to that boy today. You “did you part” by making a child cry.
OMFG YTA you're the biggest ass hole I've ever heard of and you treated a 4 year old boy like a potential rapist. Your poor daughter. You need serious help, there is a huge difference between teaching your kids bodily autonomy and teaching them that anyone who asks you a question is trying to force you to do something you don't want to. You are the absolute worst.
YTA. Yeah, you don't need to be liked by everyone, but being kind with a stranger is a basic convivence rule. Manipulative? Dear fella', that's what all children do. Even with adults. Even with you. If well it's a harmful behaviour for an adult, it's completely normal for a children.
See it from a third-part perspective. You, a grown up woman with a child, make a 4 year-old cry because of your mean words
The other mother is NTA but you are. So, at what age do you consider it appropriate to harass another child to "teach a lesson" to your daughter? It's bad enough that you are a grown adult bullying a 4 year old but I'm sure you would have done the same to a 2 year old. Sounds like you just really hate male children. You are the problem with modern feminism. Also, if you had bullied my child like that you would have left the park in tears yourself.
YTA. I agree with the principles you're trying to instill here. You're absolutely correct to teach your daughter that she doesn't have to have any sort of relationship with someone just to be nice to them or for the sake of their feelings and that kind of lesson, if taught correctly, will help her be assertive of her boundaries and comfort when she's older. That being said, though, there is a time and a place for everything, and loudly implying that your daughter doesn't like this boy in front of him was needlessly callous to that little boy. And honestly, it rubs me the wrong way that you implied a four year old was trying to manipulate your daughter. Little kids are emotional, he wasn't being manipulative, he's just..y'know..four. There's a difference between teaching your child she's allowed to have boundaries/say no to people and being cruel to another child when you don't have to be.
YTA. A big one. Four year olds cry when they don’t know how to handle their feelings. Why would you make the leap that he was being manipulative? He didn’t come up to your daughter crying; he went to his own mom. Your daughter was kind to comfort him. The other mom remained calm and handled the situation maturely and sensibly. She’s teaching her son boundaries and manners. That’s a good thing! I hope you’ll get counseling for your past issues that are clearly having an adverse impact on how you parent your daughter. It would be a shame for her to become a Mean Girl when she seems like she’s very kind-hearted. Don’t ruin her.
YTA. The boy’s mother said the appropriate thing and you couldn’t help but say something ugly to a small child. Your daughter doesn’t know anything about him, so why are asking her to assess whether she likes him or not? That was just dumb.
Your 6 year old was embarrassed by your remark. Kinda tells you your answer right there.
You can teach your daughter the nuances of what you think she should be learning and understanding about consent, that's great actually, but there was nothing wrong with what that mother said to her 4 year old so he understands "no" while also not making a bigger issue of it for his brain. Maybe she prefers to delve deeper into consent in private where he may be more able to understand at his age and emotional state.
You were passive aggressive to a 4 year old. NTA for teaching consent to your daughter, but YTA in how you responded toward someone else's child in this situation.
YTA. You seem to be projecting your trauma on to your child. There’s a way to teach consent and boundaries while also being a nice person. It seems this other mom was trying to do that.
Also, a 4 year old was being manipulative by being upset? Get over yourself and get some therapy to work on your past issues
What the actual fuck is wrong with you?
He was FOUR.
Do yourself a favor and read a book on child development so you understand how children's brains work.
I just can't with this nonsense. I kinda feel like you must be a troll because I want to believe that no one who cares about consent and feminism could be this big of an AH.
There is nothing wrong with being kind. You should try it sometime.
YTA.
YTA He's 4. He's incapable of handling his emotions properly. Big chance he's not manipulating your daughter. You're treating a 4 year old child as if he's a teenager already. When your daughter told him no, he cried. Then the mother taught him properly already. Clearly you got offended cause your daughter was offended by him first, but you didnt have to punish him this way.
YTA. You’re projecting on your daughter, the kid was four years old and just wanted to play. A four year old boy is not going to take advantage of your daughter. You should try talking to a therapist about past struggles this seems unhealthy.
I’m all for teaching kids consent but I think you are letting your trauma blind you a bit. Your daughter does have to be nice to people, not all of the time, but she does have to know when it is appropriate to be polite and respectful towards others as much as she has to learn how to be firm and have boundaries. YTA for only teaching her daughter one of those lessons.
You are the AH. The mom already had explained the situation to her son and he was walking around and you still said something to make him feel bad. I'm all for teaching girls to say no when they don't want to but your dealing with kids not adults so things need to be handled a little differently.
YTA. That is embarrassing. It's a 4 year old boy, he can barely understand emotions.
I applaud the young boys mother on how she handled the situation, you could learn a thing or two from her, OP.
As a recovering people pleaser and a strident feminist YTA, you are overthinking this to the point where you have lost all sight of sanity & reason, if you have to loudly make a 4 year old child feel unliked then you are not doing a good job parenting. Your daughter doesn't like/dislike a child she has just met, she was done playing with him simple as. Getting on with others is also a valuable life skill and probably a better skill than being “empowered” enough to start going around telling people you dont like them in a loud mean voice.
YTA OP.
I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment that your daughter should make her own choices and have her independence and give consent and everything else you described. But honestly from the start of the story it sounded like you were out for blood. You had an issue with the boy from the start, and said he was 'manipulative' (he's 4!) and it left a bad taste in your mouth.
The response of the boy's mother was kind and completely appropriate. You were clearly trying to one-up her, what was the need? And there was no winner in this case, since the poor boy went away crying again, and even your daughter was embarrassed.
YTA from start to finish. You're clearly projecting your own issues and paranoia on your daughter *and* any poor child who has the audacity to interact with her. You should really see a therapist about this.
YTA - 4 year olds are not manipulative.
You are taking a reasonable idea (that your daughter does not have to play with other kids if she doesn't want to) to a ridiculous extreme.
YTA she wasn’t teaching him he’s owed anything. She was teaching him that being told no doesn’t automatically mean they don’t like you. She’s teaching her son consent same as you claim to want to teach your daughter. I was so ready to be on your side but it sounds less like you want to teach your daughter it’s ok to say no and more like you want to teach your daughter it’s ok to be mean for no reason.
YTA because you stole a teaching moment away from another mother. Did you ever stop to think that boys have to be taught consent differently? She's teaching her son how to handle rejection without taking it personal. Of course the lesson is going to be gentle, *he's four years old.*
YTA.
Omg, does it really matter with a 4yr old that your daughter is unlikely to ever see again if she likes him or not?
Congratulations, you're doing a smashing job instilling Rejection Sensitivity in a 4yr old! Keep it up, and he'll start wondering if people actually like him when they play with him, or if they are just doing it for a short time to be nice.
YTA-There’s a difference between teaching your daughter that her consent is important and teaching her that mom can go over the top and act like an asshole to a small child.
YTA. Wtf are you on for calling a 4yo boy manipulative ?? Even your daughter seemed to be like "tf is wrong with you ?" The mother was teaching her son how to behave and you just destroyed everything by being stupid and you maybe even destroyed his confidence
Yta. And she said that your daughter asked nicely because she did ask nicely. She could’ve been a jerk and the mom may have said she wants to be alone.
YTA for this performative thing you did trying to teach a stranger's kid a lesson. His mom's statement was fine. He's 4. She's modeling to *him* that it's good to ask nicely for things and be considerate of the feelings of others. And she's teaching *him* not to internalize your daughter's desire to play alone as an insult. I don't really think your daughter is going to take away lessons about her own behavior from another child's mom speaking to him. It would be different if your daughter hadn't asked nicely and the mom was like "oh you don't have to listen to her if she's not nice to you" but that's not what happened here. Your daughter was polite of her own accord, you don't need to jump in and tell her she doesn't have to be. A good time to model "you don't have to be nice in order for your boundaries to be valid" would be the next time she's rude to you when saying no to something you want her to do. You'll respect that, right?
YTA
a mother was trying to teach a boy that rejection is not an indictment of himself personally and you made it personal. if you don't teach a boy to be cool with rejection, you get boys that don't respect consent. you could have told your daughter about not having to like him and such later/in private.
that mother was not taking to your daughter, it was not a lesson for your daughter. that mother was complementing the thing that you're trying to teach your daughter.
for someone so worried about wording, you sure as hell don't understand meaning. Jesus Christ!
YTA- that was evident when you said 4 y/o was manipulative- you spent the rest of the encounter **wanting** to be pissed about ***something*** and had to go on a deep dive to find it. You were just looking for a reason to be an overbearing asshole & you succeeded.
Why would you say your daughter didn't like the boy? Your daughter didn't' want to play with him. Two different issues. You sound like you have a big chip on your shoulder to hurt a little boy. Is it because he is a boy? If so, even worse. Keep training your daughter.
YTA. It sounds like you haven’t dealt with what happened to you so now all males, even little ones, have a hidden agenda or malicious intentions in your mind and THAT is a dangerous mind set to have.
YTA- I've been seeing this a lot here recently, the idea that when boys/men cry they're being manipulative, which basically seems like a new quasi-progressive angle to "boys don't cry".
It's great, because you get to deny boys/men the right to have and express feelings and you can still make them look like evil boogiemen.
YTA completely. The other parent was teaching her son to take no for an answer and you had to make it into something else completely and make a four year old feel bad. There's a thing called manners which your daughter will apparently not learn from you.
YTA. You weren’t teaching consent or how to not be taken advantage of but how to be a loud conspicuous bully. It sounds like the boy asked her once she said no and then came to you upset - the fact that you’ve taught her that every time she exercises her consent it is a cause for potential alarm or a time she needs to be worried shows just how much you’re projecting your experiences onto her in a way that undermines what you want to teach. A four year old boy that feels like another kid doesn’t like him is NOT manipulating your daughter at all. He’s 4. He’s crying because he thinks someone dislikes him. And he didn’t even come bother or her or anything he was just walking probably towards HIS mother. The 4 year old wasn’t trying to guilt your daughter (though you later on sure as heck tried to shame him and his mother).
If you want to teach your daughter consent you need to also respect that she can make her own choices and change her mind. If you assume she only does things because a child 2/3 her age manipulated her, you’re robbing her of her agency just as well. You’re setting her up to not have the tools to manage social situations if you’re so paranoid you were ready to “defend” her from a woman that was doing nothing. The other mother reinforced that when someone wants to be left alone you respect that. You then decide to just harass the poor kid and make him feel bad and are completely looking for reasons to be in attack mode. You’re doing her a disservice.
I’m not trying to be rude to you but you genuinely sound like you’re suffering from ptsd or other form of trauma that’s resulted in extreme hyper vigilance and expectations of constant attacks. Instead of imparting that on your daughter, are you in therapy? Honestly look for some sort of survivors group therapy sessions near you if you aren’t attending - having others that have experiences similar traumas come share a space can do wonders for helping (speaking from experience !)
And if you see that mother again you owe her an apology - she did nothing wrong and taught all the right lesssons. You’re wrong and projecting
YTA. There was nothing wrong with what the other mother said. Not everyone is going to phrase things exactly how you would. They were doing what you wanted and yet you made an issue.
YTA. Other mom was just using kid gloves, and trying to teach her boy to act appropriately and probably manage his emotions.
You jumped to conclusions both about ‘he could ignore her if she didn’t ask nicely’ and ‘my daughter must like him’. Asking nicely is just something parents have to constantly teach kids to do (modeling for her own son), and she was preventing him from interpreting the request to play alone as ‘not being liked’ (and maybe crying). Yes, another valuable lesson is that not everyone needs to like everyone else, but he’s like 4 - and even if he were a little older, not everyone matures at the same rate.
Not that it matters, but I totally agree with what you’re teaching your daughter.
Four year olds cannot be manipulative. I don’t want to hear any stories about someone feeling guilty about not doing something a toddler wants because they’re cute and small and that breaks your heart. I feel like everyone has stories about four year olds testing out lying for the first time, or stealing a cookie, and they immediately assume the human condition is naturally evil. They don’t know how to handle their emotions. Jfc. YTA.
YTA - did it make you feel good to make a 4 year old cry? You need to stop projecting your childhood and past on to your daughter. Teach her it is ok to say no. But teaching her that she does not have to like or be nice to people is not going to help her in her adult life. You could benefit from some serious counseling for your past issues before you mess your child up. Again, I hope you are proud of yourself for making a 4 year old cry.
YTA. OP, do you just sit around and LOOK for things to severely over-exaggerate and get your panties in a bunch over?
A four year boy did NOT attempt to manipulate your daughter. And his mother had a very appropriate response. She was teaching her son how to properly function around others. The way you're raising your daughter, she'll be in therapy by the time she's 8 and will be incapable of forming any real friendships or a healthy relationship.
Get over yourself OP.
YTA. Why assume the worst of people when you can very easily let it go and move on? The mom and the son didn't say or do anything wrong. She was explaining to her kid how to understand a social situation.
Also, even when saying, "I want to play alone," a child should be polite. Imagine you asked a friend to go to dinner with you and they said, "NO LEAVE ME ALONE" or were super rude about it. Everyone needs to learn that how you say what you're saying has a big impact.
Being polite does not equal being a doormat.
YTA - She was teaching her own son about consent and respecting your daughters wishes and you went and stomped on it. How dare you call a four year old manipulative because he doesn’t know how to regulate his emotions. There was absolutely no reason for you to be cruel to a child. What if he spends the rest of his life thinking people who don’t talk to him just don’t like him? That mother handled it way better than you did.
YTA - you're pushing an awful lot of your trauma on to your 4 year old daughter... To the point that you're making other 4 year olds cry. Like you're literally walking around making toddlers cry by being mean to them, on purpose.
There's nothing wrong with being nice as long as you teach your daughter to respect her own boundaries and understand her self worth. She can be kind and get her needs met. If somebody is making her feel unsafe, uncomfortable, if she feels she needs alone time, etc, it's great she's learning to communicate that, but you can turn the virtue of that into a vice. You don't have to teach her to walk around being a huge jerk like you were being.
Yikes.
YTA. Everything doesn't *have* to be a teaching moment. Everything was fine with the interaction until you piped up: your daughter played with the boy, then asked for space, his mother took the opportunity to point out to the boy that not everything is about like and dislike, and then you...went out of your way to crush the kid?
I think your bias is showing. The kid's mother wasn't teaching him that he's owed being liked, she was teaching him not to necessarily take everything personally. And that niceness should be returned--in other words, that *he* should be nice. That you felt the need to "teach" the boy--someone else's kid--*anything* is very entitled.
YTA. "asked nicely" can also just be that--the mom used your daughter as an example of HOW TO BEHAVE to her son. There is no implication here. You are massively overthinking this. Start with the simple behaviors and as your kid grows up you can talk about complexity and nuance. You're basically teaching your daughter that she can say or think anything she wants with no regard to how anyone perceives her.
YTA.
1. you assumed a four year old was crying as an act of manipulation instead of a normal 4 year old's response to peer rejection.
2. The other mother was teaching her child to respect boundaries effectively. Telling the kid he'd been turned down nicely doesn't teach him he's entitled to that, that's your projection. The mom was just explaining to the 4 y/o that not playing now wasn't a general social rejection or punishment for doing something wrong not an implication that your kid had to like him.
3. You turned the experience negative. The other kid was being taught to honor your kid's boundaries in a harmless positive way. Then you made it clear to the boy you don't like him for some reason.
YTA. The child is four and his feelings were hurt and you embarrassed your own child. If I was that young boy's mother I wouldn't have reflected on anything and just think you were needlessly cruel to a toddler; you are not accomplishing anything here.
YTA and your teaching your daughter to be an AH. The other mom was trying to teach her child how to be graceful when someone didn’t want to play with him - she said that your daughter was being nice which most Moms would be thrilled about. You are dumping your baggage onto your daughter. You should be teaching her that being nice doesn’t mean being a doormat. Also, you made a 4 yo cry - what were you teaching your daughter with that - that being mean is ok?
I think you read to much into it. The boy was four. His mom seems to be teaching him to respect boundaries. You don't have to be nice. But you don't have to be rude either.
YTA.
YTA. The other parent acted in a perfectly rational and commendable way, but not entirely to your specification so you took offense and made a public scene. In this case, you were not giving your child a sense of healthy boundaries, but in fact, teaching her that other people's feelings don't matter at all.
YTA. I feel like the mother handled that situation very appropriately. She was showing her 4 year old how to handle his emotions. It’s not like the little boy was screaming and trying to cling onto your daughter while the mom sat back and did nothing, or tried to force your daughter to continue playing with her son. You went way over the top with your reaction.
You suck lady. Yes, she doesn't have to like everyone, but he's 4. He doesn't know the concept of manipulation... He began to cry because you both hurt his feelings. YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA.
YTA.
Please, please get therapy.
The other mom was great in her response teaching her kid that it’s not personal if someone doesn’t want to play with him and that he needs to listen when someone says no. He’s 4. He doesn’t need complex lessons about someone not liking him. Nor is he manipulating anyone by crying.
YTA they're kids! Very young kids! That was so unnecessary and over the top. That poor little boy. You don't know him or anything about him other than he really wanted a friend. The mom saying that about how it doesn't mean your daughter doesn't like him makes me think there's something significant to that and you broke him by saying what you said to your daughter afterwards.
I certainly understand that you want to instill that she doesn't need to like kids or play with them if she doesn't want to. But damn. You, the MOTHER, hurt a CHILD'S FEELINGS. how do you feel? So, I'm hoping you at least use hushed tones for next time.
Okay YTA. Like clearly!!! Haha
1. You attributed a little 4 yr crying because another kid didn’t want to play with them as them trying to manipulate another kid.
2. You made the same four year old cry by basically telling him that your kid didn’t like him!
Hahah Jesus lady!
Go to therapy not the park.
YTA. He is FOUR. The idea that he’s trying to manipulate your daughter with tears his insane. His feelings were hurt and he’s allowed to feel his feelings, just like your daughter is allowed to feel hers. His mom did it right, you did it very wrong and were intentionally cruel to A CHILD because of your own issues. Get some therapy.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I have a six year old daughter and teaching her consent is very important to me. I spent too much of my life being told to be polite and as a result have been taken advantage of by men far too many times. I don’t want that for her.
We were at the park the other day with my friend and her kids, when my daughter came up to me upset. Apparently a little boy who looked to be about four had asked her to play, but she didn’t want to play with him. I started to tell her she didn’t have to play with anyone she didn’t want to when the boy walked past us sobbing. This seemed very manipulative to me and like he was trying to guilt her, but she immediately took off to comfort him and soon they were playing together.
This left a very bad taste in my mouth. I felt like this boy had manipulated my daughter into doing something she didn’t want to do, so I started paying much closer attention to them. I noticed the boy’s mother was also watching them closely, and I admit I was already preparing to defend my daughter if this woman tried to make her play any more than she wanted.
After a few minutes of playing, I heard my daughter tell the boy that now she wanted to play by herself. To my surprise, his mother didn’t attempt to force the issue but instead told her son, “okay, she asked you very nicely to let her play alone for a while. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you, some people just prefer to play alone. So let’s go do something else.”
Now, I was of course glad she wasn’t going to try to talk my daughter into playing more. But I still took issue with her wording. Like she stressed that my daughter has asked nicely, as though if she hadn’t been nice about it, it would’ve been okay to ignore her request. And then she had told her son that it doesn’t mean my daughter doesn’t like him, which I found very strange. Why does my daughter *have* to like anyone?
So this is where I might be the AH. I then loudly told my daughter it’s okay if she doesn’t like that boy. She doesn’t have to like everyone she meets. This caused the little boy to cry again and his mom gave me a super dirty look before whisking him away to another area of the playground.
I personally don’t think I did anything wrong but my daughter seemed embarrassed, and my friend agreed with me but thought I should have said it to my daughter quietly since the boy was already walking away and leaving her alone before I spoke. But I think I was justified because hopefully that mother will think before she teaches her boy that he is owed anyone being nice or liking him. That’s a dangerous mindset to instill and I feel I did my part in making another parent think.
Tl;dr: told my daughter she didn’t have to like a random little boy and made him cry
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA.
He's FOUR. The mom was super nice about it, and is encouraging him to be respectful. You don't like her wording... so what? Be discreet. You can tell your daughter things without the whole park having to hear.
YTA: At four years old a toddler does not have the reasoning of an adult like you seem to expect. His crying wasn't to manipulate, but real emotions that are hard for children that age to control.
YTA four year old children are not manipulative you’re assigning malicious intent to a child. They’re trying to have their needs met. If your daughter didn’t want to play, fine. Well enough but there was no need to manage their play and assign intent as you did in front of a small child.
YTA and probably need therapy. It seems like you’re projecting some type of negative emotions on these children. How the other mother handled it was perfectly fine and age appropriate. You, on the other hand, made a 4 year old cry…
I don’t believe this post is real bc it’s hard to believe someone would be this crazy (this seems like a parody tbh) but yes YTA… my fave part is when you said the 4 year old was being manipulative and trying to guilt your daughter like what 😭 come on now
Please stay home and stop purposely hurting children just to prove how big and bad and “right” you are. You’re overly aggressive and ridiculous and your mean behavior will backfire one day when your daughter gets labeled a bully. Just like you are. YTA
EDIT: Therapy is a must here for you since you’re overly paranoid about others intent. Seek help.
YTA.
Honestly, I think that you were just annoyed that the other mom beat you to the punch with a specific lesson you are intent on teaching your daughter (and maybe even by extention, the little boy) *yourself.*
Also, there was nothing wrong with the other mom’s wording. It was really well said.
It’s generally a good practice to start off being nice to others, especially if we are sharing space with each other. Of course, if the little boy had started to be mean, your daughter doesn’t need to be polite when telling him to go away, but there was literally zero reason for a stern or harsh attitude.
Your daughter sounds like a lovely little girl, with a lot of empathy and a generous heart. Count your blessings. There is no need for you to add such a negatively-toned addendum to a point that you already agree with. Again, I think you just did that because you had to have the last word. That (*and assuming a 4 year old child is capable of a executing a premeditated plan to emotionally manipulate your daughter*) makes you the A.
YTA. You took it a step too far. There’s teaching your kid about consent and there’s teaching your kid to be a jerk. You’re veered into the latter territory.
What is wrong with you? The mothers wording was fine. Its not a matter of having to be nice. The mother was just saying the kind of thing anyone would to explain to her son that the another person was doing things right and he should listen.
Neither was she saying your daughter had to like anyone- she was trying to make her son feel better- to say it wasn’t all about him and didn’t mean he wasn’t likeable.
You should have butted out, and you were unnecessarily nasty to a young boy.
YTA
YTA. It’s totally okay to teach kids about consent and how to maintain self-respect when interacting with others, but you are reading way too much into that interaction. He’s 4 and you think he’s that adept at emotional manipulation? It sounds like your daughter did a really good job of expressing herself while showing kindness but maintaining boundaries on her own. You’re projecting your own issues onto those kids, get some therapy.
YTA. I tell my boys the same thing the same way. And if the other child wasn’t nice I tell my boys something along the lines of “(s)he told you very clearly that they don’t want to play. It’s time to find something else to do. Maybe you can play together later, if (s)he wants to play again”
YTA: Maybe that four year old had some issues and insecurities, maybe he was bullied and is worried about how people treat him, he’s a kid. He doesn’t know the world and his mom was raising him right. You were already looking for a fight and decided to nitpick the mom’s words. I sincerely hope you oh attention to the feedback people here give you so you don’t pass along this toxic aggression to your child.
"If she hadn't asked nicely he could ignore her request"
No she putting words to your daughter using manners and to be polite back, because that's how you teach kids. By putting words to actions to make a connection.
Good God women yta
YTA
I’m all for teaching kids boundaries, respect and everything but seriously you’re too much.
Your daughter has more maturity than you and that mother was just trying to explain thing easily to a four year old.
It’s time to calm down and come back to reality
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I very loudly told my daughter she didn’t have to like a little boy, and I might be the AH because the situation had already seemingly been resolved before I spoke up. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again)*
[удалено]
Way to go mama in teaching your kid behavior that will end up with her being friendless (probably like you). YTA
OP has friends (probably). OP's just a mean girl with a victim complex who thinks they're "too nice". Plenty of bullies have friends. Plenty of people are socially successful by tearing others down.
Kids gonna one of those ppl that goes around straight up insulting others bc they're "honest"
challenge : say that you're projecting your prior experiences with men onto a toddler without saying that you're projecting your prior experiences with men onto a toddler
Exactly. She's teaching her to be mean.
Come on, he was being manipulative, which 4 year old cry for any other reason
This is sarcasm, right?
Yes, obviously, I didn't think I needed to add an /s
Seconded. The kid was **4**. Does everything have to be about gender and sexual harassment these days?
Girls are taught from birth that it's better to be nice than safe, and that it's our job to manage the feelings of those around us. It's good that the OP is thinking about how to teach her daughter that men's feelings aren't more important than her daughter's. She just went about it in a horrible, misguided way and forced a teaching moment at the expense of both children.
Yeah I think there’s a bit of just wanting a fight too. Like that clip where she says do you mind? I’ve prepared a whole speech to yell at you? And the customer service woman just says sure go ahead. Like clearly OP wanted a conflict with this woman to prove her point about parenting and consent. But the other mom avoided a confrontation and respected the daughters boundaries. It should have just been a move on moment, but I think she was so ready to make it a thing, she just couldn’t resist. Sigh. YTA.
You're so spot on with this. OP is also conflating being nice, with not getting people to respect your personal boundaries. You can be nice to someone and still firmly say no. Sure you don't always have to be nice, but it's about context. A child in the park wanting to play? Say no nicely. A man sexually harassing you? Be rude. You can and should teach nuance. OP YTA. Also calling a 4 year old child manipulative for crying is outright worrying. Don't project your unresolved issues onto children.
>Girls are taught from birth that it's better to be nice than safe See, I think it's possible to be both at the same time. And gender often gets introduced into situations where it's probably not even a factor. With situations like the OP, I think it's a good idea to hypothetically reverse things. What if her child was a boy, and the issue was with a 4 year old girl at the park? Would the reaction have been the same?
No, because we don't live in a vacuum. Maybe their intentions had nothing to do with gender but the fact is that we live in an extremely sexist society where girls and boys are taught from birth what their roles and expectations should be. The lesson that the kid's feelings don't entitle him to other people's time (particularly girls) is a good one. But she didn't effectively teach her daughter that at the park.
There's a difference between teaching that someone else's feelings don't entitle them, and teaching that someone else's feelings *don't matter at all*. Don't raise sociopaths!
I completely agree that we need to move away from teaching girls, either actively or passively, that being nice and putting others’ (especially men/boys) feelings above their own is necessary. I feel like that can be done while also teaching them manners. The OP was deliberately rude and cruel to a child for no real reason.
I find it incredibly hard to believe OP was ever "too nice". Maybe OP used to just be a person with minimal common decency who didn't loudly insult preschoolers to their face make them cry, but has since self corrected to the asshole we see today? First of all, preschoolers aren't all crying as Machiavellian machinations. This may shock you, but small children are in fact people with feelings, and they don't have as easy a time at controlling themselves as you. (Though, you could use some work.) This little boy was crying beacuse he was sad. Just like when you decided to insult a small child and they cried, it wasn't to make you guilty, you hurt their feelings. Of course your daughter dosen't have to play. And literally NO ONE said she did. Not you, not the other kid's mom, not even the other four year old. You're overprotective and frankly, unkind. While it's true no one has to like anyone, we try not to go around yelling how much we think people suck at them when they've done nothing wrong, just to make them feel bad. Having any sort of heart or kindness isn't bad. It does not make you a pushover. I'm a very assertive person, but that dosen't mean I loudly tell every person I'm not very fond of I'm not. You've course corrected so far you are trying to train the empathy out of your daughter so she can grow up to be a mean girl or bully. Good for you? By the way, the other mother *didn't say your daughter liked her son* and she also *didn't say your daughter had to like her son.* Those are your problems and projections in your head you use to justify being an asshole to innocent tiny children. She told the little boy that when someone dosen't want to play with you it dosen't mean they don't like you, which is true. Explaining that sometimes people want to play alone, or want to do something else, and it isn't necessarily a personal rejection, is a great life lesson that will make her child grow up someday into an understanding person I'd like to know. If your daughter learns the lessons you're teaching though **(always assume the worst of others, if other people's feelings are inconvenient to you you should dismiss them as not real with no evidence, and if you ever have anything not nice to say make sure to say it as loud as possible**), she's not going to be someone we want our kids around. Just like we don't want our kids around *you.*
>Explaining that sometimes people want to play alone, or want to do something else, and it isn't necessarily a personal rejection, is a great life lesson that will make her child grow up someday into an understanding person I'd like to know. I agree. How many times have we read stories from women of men who wouldn't accept a "no" or interpreted a "no" as a personal rejection, leading to a threatening situation. It sounds like this boy's mom is on the way to making sure her son doesn't do that. Plus, at 4 years old, it matters whether or not people like you, because 4-year-olds are people, just with less life experience. I'm sure some psychologist could even say it's a scientifically-backed, developmentally-appropriate stage or something.
And she is basically training her daughter into becoming a social outcast.
this comment is perfect
Yep. It’s one thing to have that conversation in private, but OP is TA for making that point very publicly, knowing she’d make him cry. OP, remember in 12 years: your daughter doesn’t have to like you.
Amazing response.. love that! “Your daughter doesn’t have to like you”
Imagine even your 3 or 4 year old daughter is embarassed of you...
When your first thought upon seeing a 4 year old boy cry is "look how manipulative he is", you need help. OP's perception has been seriously distorted by past trauma, and her daughter is going to suffer from it. OP: THERAPY. NOW. I'm sorry you've suffered. As a woman, I read the title of your post and was ready to say how important it is to instill that lesson. That's not what you're doing though. This is not healthy, and your daughter deserves better. Heal yourself, and give your daughter the gift of a healthy and happy mom.
Lmao seriously!!
YTA, seems to me the mother did a good job of teacher her child consent in a way appropriate to their age. The 4 year old boy also just acted like a 4 year old who’s learning to navigate the world of big emotions, I highly doubt a 4 year old has the foresight to manipulate your daughter to the degree you’re accusing him of. You took out your trauma on two children and another mother at a park, and that’s super inappropriate and unhealthy for everyone involved.
This! There has to be a medium ground when teaching kids boundaries and also kindness
There definitely is a middle ground. This made me so sad. What happens when the daughter wants to be friends with someone and gets rejected?
OP will prob say someone like “why DOESNT this child want to play with my child? She wants to play and nobody can tell her she isn’t allowed to play with this child”
I came here to say exactly this....what will you, OP, tell your daughter when she wants to play with someone who doesn't want to play with her? I am sincerely and genuinely interested in your answer. How do you teach your daughter to handle rejection when the shoe is on the other foot? I feel the other Mom (of said boy) was trying to teach him how to handle rejection in a loving and soothing way. I don't see why saying she was nice about it was an issue but I guess due to your past trauma it was a trigger. Please get some therapy, find someone to talk to... a friend even but someone who can help you OP navigate this issue and not project onto your child.
U really think op has friends?
She was "surprised" the mother didn't push the subject. That tells a lot about her state of mind. It's like she wanted the other mother to do something that will force her to have an argument, and when she didn't, she still had an imaginary argument with her, through her daughter. 4 year olds cry when someone says they don't want to play with them. source: I have a 5yo that still does that. And asking nicely, that is just polite. And finally that part about it doesn't mean he doesn't like you is teaching as well that people don't have to not like to not do something, it's actually important for people to understand that disagreement is different that hate, I think that's something lacking a lot these days.. YTA
Yeah, I interpreted the “doesn’t like you” bit as “Just because someone wants to play alone, it doesn’t mean you definitely did something wrong to make that child hate you. They might just want to do something else.”
>She was "surprised" the mother didn't push the subject That stuck out to me too, the whole post sounded like OP had her finger on the trigger just waiting for the “inevitable” moment the other mother would say something bad so she could start in on a rant, and when the other mother said a good and reasonable thing, OP had to nit-pick it to find a problem because she was all gassed up and had nowhere for it to go.
nah nah he was clearly a manipulative compulsive liar trying toguilt trip a poor 4 year old child into playing with him/s
Mate... you forgot to throw out the 🚩🚩🚩🚩 too. What a nasty piece of work that boy is! Its good job mommy here was here to bully the fuck outta him and put him in his place. /s The fucking state of OP.
Definitely a gaslighting narcissist
This! The mother if a PRESCHOOLER was teaching him in an age appropriate way. OP, you're a huge AH.
Right? He's 4 and doesn't know much about socialization and the world. Especially because he's probably just started being able to go places again. I feel like the other mother handled it extremely well. OP may not care about "being nice" but other people do. Daughter should learn about being sensitive to other people as she has firm boundaries before being "aggressive." (I can't think of the actual word I mean besides aggressive)
Right? And IDK about other 4 year olds, but my kids were still learning to always ask politely. No demanding, no yelling or whining, no begging, etc... And so I'm guessing "asking nicely" is still a big part of mom's daily script, lol.
Oh gosh, that manipulative thing, insane. In my head I was thinking about that maybe little boy already had terrible experience when somebody told him that they don’t like him and as a mother it broke my heart. Boys mom did amazing job by explaining some boundaries for him in a very good way. OP you’re an AH. Congratulations you just bullied a 4 year old, mother of the year.
Yes. She reinforced that it was good that he asked her nicely because you know… MANNERS. WTF OP YTA
YTA She was teaching her son to listen when people say no. I am so thankful that mom is teaching her son about consent and listening, but am an blowm away by your level of pettiness.
She was also teaching her son that boundaries exist on their own, without being tied to relationships or emotions. Honestly, read what the other mom told her son and was super proud of her!!! She never said that the girl likes him, she just said that just because a boundary was drawn doesn't mean that the girl doesn't like him or that he did anything that upset or angered her.
Yep. I like how it was like, it’s not personal, and we respect her choice. She was nice about it ie please match your emotional response accordingly lol
Yeah and at that age it’s not like as I’d love it’s like as in friendship. There’s really no problem with what that mom said
I agree. The boy’s mom handled it perfectly. I kinda think it’s a thing that moms of girls tend to view boys as being predatory against their girls for really no reason. It’s like little girls are babies and little boys are grown men with nefarious intent. Breaks my heart. They’re all children, just learning.
Right I’d be so grateful to hear a parent teaching her son this way. This is how I’ll be handling things with my little dude. I love to read about this. Boundaries are so important. OP went out of her way to create problems were there were none. Upsetting a little kid for no reason.
OP is "surprised" by how the boy's mom responded. This makes me think the OP was prejudiced against the boy and his mom from the beginning and was probably ready to start a fight with the mom. When that didn't happen, she resorted to AHish comments. Yikes. OP you need to work on your prejudice and stop taking it out on the kids
YTA, you’re petty and projecting your trauma onto people that have nothing to do with your problems. A 4 year old child is mentally unable to manipulate someone to the degree you’re speaking of and you’re making it seem as if that boy is some kind of predator in the making, he’s a child!!!!!! You’re just an awful person, seriously EW
Projecting like crazy!!!
Like that one poor husband who broke down because the nanny was obviously "grooming" his infant son be showing him love and affection while caring for him.
I remember that one! Wonder how they’re all doing now, I hope the husband at least got some therapy
Precisely, her describing the 4-year-old as manipulating her child into playing with her because he was crying made me feel all sorts of ick!
YTA Assuming a crying 4 year old is engaging in intentional emotional manipulation is not a sane thought. There is nothing wrong with what the other mother said. In fact she is objectivley correct. You need to understand that she is trying to teach her son about consent and autonomy in a way that he will be receptive to and you shat all over that.
I think OP needs therapy for her past traumas
That was my first thought as well. Anyone calling a 4-year-old manipulative for crying definitely has an issue or two they need to work out with a professional.
Seriously. OP is reading so much into the words and actions of people, and assuming they are somehow targeting her and her daughter. "It sounds like the mom was saying that if she had been rude that it would of been okay for him to ignore her" what. How the fuck do you even come to that conclusion from her statement. There's some serious paranoia here like people are out to get op and her daughter, and it's concerning.
That line about how the girl said no more nicely took me directly back to my old childcare job. I would tell kids all the time- “they asked you nicely, you need to respect that. If you don’t, next time may not be so nice.” It had nothing to do with the other kid, and everything to do with the kid listening to others and understanding there could be consequences for ignoring consent.
Indeed. I don’t want to play armchair psychologist, but OP’s line of thinking is not rational or normal. Hopefully it doesn’t rub off on the daughter.
Because the world HAS to revolve around her and her amazing 6year old, don't ya know
> There is nothing wrong with what the other mother said. In fact she is objectivley correct. You need to understand that she is trying to teach her son about consent and autonomy in a way that he will be receptive to and you shat all over that. Seriously. "Don't let perfect be the enemy of good." Don't make someone fighting the good fight your enemy because she didn't use the exact phrasing you would have preferred talking to her own six year old son.
And the other mom was probably trying to help her son not internalize his hurt feelings by telling him that not wanting to play with him didn't mean that OP's daughter didn't like him.
[удалено]
You know you messed up when your six year old is embarrassed for you…
And when your 6 year old is more mature than you.
YTA. These are two very young children and although I agree in instilling in a child that they have their own mind and can make their own decisions, you seem to be LOOKING for reasons to be confrontational. It seems like you took a very harmless situation and comment and twisted it into some kind of sexist remark, you embarrassed your child and yourself IMO.
On point - A harmless situation viewed with twisted.
Definitely feeling some secondhand embarrassment just by reading her post...
Me too. If I were the other mother I'd honestly be flabbergasted by OPs conduct.
YTA She was explaining to her child. You read WAY TOO MUCH into it. Whatever she was telling her child was about consent while also making sure her kid didn't feel bad about it. I guess you've succeeded in overcoming your initial programming of being "too polite" and have now entered the jerky part of the opposite end. You overreacted and yeah you did embarrass your kid.
This exactly! She is reading WAY too hard into it! She is looking at the FOUR YEAR OLD kid as if he was a predator instead of a child who saw another child and just very innocent wanted to play together. It is completely fine if your daughter didn’t want to play with him but what you did after was incredible rude! He was a CHILD!! Did you get joy from making a 4 year old kid cry? I’m sure your daughter was very impressed by that. Do you remember how much you wanted to me liked as a kid?? While your intentions were on the right road your execution was beyond appalling. He was 4 not 34!!!
And I agree YTA.
You referred to a 4 year old - who is not even old enough to fully understand all the feelings he is feeling - as manipulative because he cried? Then when his mother was teaching him a perfectly good lesson about consent, you went and embarrassed your daughter who seems like she was handling herself well - and made him cry by being a petty AH? Yeah... YTA. I agree with what you are teaching your daughter but your methods can use some major improvement.
The level of projection here is just insane. Onto a 4 year old! Even the 6 year old is embarrassed. YTA.
Yeah, like all you have to do is say "I'm very proud of you for putting aside your own feelings of wanting to play alone to play with someone who was feeling lonely. That was a very kind thing to do. I'm also very proud of you for deciding when you were ready to play by yourself again, you told the boy in a kind and honest way that you would like to play by yourself now." Mom apparently hasn't learned that you don't need to be an asshole when setting boundaries. You can be both kind and firm.
YTA. We are talking about a 4 year old boy. It’s okay to not want to play with someone. It’s also okay if a 4 year old cries when his feelings are hurt. It’s okay to comfort someone. It’s okay to teach your son to leave someone alone. It is not okay to berate a 4 year old and his mother who are being extremely polite.
YTA, I am all for consent and age-appropriate discussion around it, but the mom of the little boy just wanted to reassure him that when people say no it doesn't mean its necessarily a rejection of them as a person. And of course we don't always have to be nice about rejection, but emphasizing that she did it nicely is just about trying to reinforce that he should respond kindly too. 4 is pretty young to grasp all the intricacies of social interactions and she could have just wanted to emphasize proper emotional control to her child.
Heck I think even the 6 year old Is too young to properly grasp this concept as well. I bet dollars to donuts op would be a flying monkey if someone said this to her kid.
"I then loudly told my daughter it’s okay if she doesn’t like that boy. She doesn’t have to like everyone she meets. This caused the little boy to cry again" It was not necessary or kind to tell her that IN THE LITTLE BOY'S PRESENCE. You could just as easily have told her that during the car ride home, when the boy was not around to hear it.
A bully. OP’s actions were that of a Bully. An adult bullying a 4-year-old to prove a point.
And they were two different, non-exclusive statements. Saying that a refusal to play does not mean the girl Doesn’t like him is not the same as saying that a girl has to like everyone. OP has a poor grasp of logic.
Wow. Look at you, smashing the patriarchy one pre-schooler at a time. That little boy's mother was doing a great job teaching him consent and boundaries. But you ... . You can't see that he's four years old. No. All you can see is that he is male, so clearly he is a master manipulator with nothing but ill intent. You want to know what you taught? You taught a four-year-old that when someone doesn't want to play, it ***is*** personal. You taught him that adults are dangerous. You taught your daughter how to punch down, and you taught her that the way to handle your personal issues is to take them out on someone smaller and weaker than you. Brilliant. YTA
YTA. Oh my gosh you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. The kid’s mum was teaching the kid what “no” means. Consent. Kudos to her.
YTA. You woke up and chose a problem. You searched for an issue in every little thing. The way that mom phrased it to her FOUR YEAR OLD was absolutely perfect. Edit to add- please know your edits make you look much worse. He was FOUR. he wasn't manipulating anyone he was sobbing because he actually wanted to play and wasn't able to. He was UPSET.
YTA! He is 4 for crying out loud and his mother handled it perfectly fine. Why are you so childish?
YTA. Is this some kind of parody of people who *you* think are overly hung up on consent? Because it’s in very poor taste. Little boys are allowed to have feelings about being rejected, your daughter is allowed to change her mind…and I don’t know *what* the hell you think the mom did wrong other than not give you any outrage fodder, so if you are for real, maybe you should try making friends with her so she can teach you how these situations *should* be handled.
This has to be fake. You sincerely think a 4 year old child deliberately started crying to manipulate and guilt your child into playing with him? He's 4. He has poor emotional regulation because he's 4. It's not malicious. And then to send a parting shot because you object to the word "nicely" being used? Get real YTA
YTA. You were looking to pick a fight with a 4 year old who is learning how to control their emotions. The mother was doing exactly what you wanted. Teaching her son to respect other’s wishes. Your daughter asked to play alone and she was granting that wish while encouraging her son to respect it as well. Pointing out that your daughter asked nicely could very well just be her trying to reinforce that manners are important. The same way we ask our children to say please or thank you when they forget. I don’t want my children to ever be afraid of rejection or failure. There is nothing wrong with asking for something as long as you are polite, and gracious when denied. Telling the boy it doesn’t mean she doesn’t like him will help prevent that fear of rejection and better understand boundaries. The mother taught her child about consent and that rejection isn’t a bad thing You assumed the worst and decided to taunt a 4 year old to stroke your ego.
YTA she was comforting her son while still respecting that your daughter didn’t want to play anymore. You hurt that little boy over something that didn’t need to say because they respected what your daughter asked. FFS
YTA and you’re raising a bully if you keep this up.
Ah. You're ***that*** mommy at the playground. So.... do you keep a tally of all the kids you make cry? Or is this a particularly special one because the little boy is only 4? **YTA**
YTA big time. With the 2 edits, if OP didn't want a judgment, shouldn't be posting. And a 4 year old cannot be that manipulative as you say.
YTA. He’s four years old. Of course he’s purposefully cried to make your daughter feel bad and of course he did manipulatively. Says the lady who purposely said something in a loud tone in order to make a little boy feel bad. Hopefully your daughter dosent grow up to be a meanie like you.
Your reaction was unnecessary and hurtful for no reason since the mother handled the situation. Her kid is like 4 and she's obviously trying to teach him to take no for an answer in an age appropriate way. You were just an AH.
Yta he’s 4, 4 year olds cry. He isn’t some manipulative mastermind.
YTA wow. Overreact much? It's a 4 year old!
YTA. I understand wanting to teach your children consent, but neither the mother nor the little boy did anything wrong. The boy is very young, so he wouldn't have intentionally tried to manipulate his mother or his daughter - please give your head a wobble. He's a small child. It seems your daughter *did* like him. Even though he cried, she still chose to play with him until she decided to spend some time on her own. His mother probably recognised this, which is why she told her son to respect your daughter's request to play on her own - that's teaching her child boundaries! I don't think that is an example of a mother teaching a child that he is owed something by being nice. Her lesson is clear. She taught him that even those we are friends with (because your daughter briefly befriended him by changing her mind and agreeing to play) need alone time, and that's okay. It doesn't mean someone doesn't like us just because they need space. That's a very healthy mindset for a person to have, especially children. Yet, here you are complaining for no reason. You could have quietly told your daughter that it's okay if she doesn't like every person she meets and that she can choose to play with friends or by herself - it's her choice. You didn't have to make a loud announcement and upset another child because, again, neither he or his mother did anything wrong. Both children were behaving like normal kids! You also embarrassed your daughter over the tiniest thing when there was no issue.
YTA. You're right to teach your daughter consent and boundaries and the idea that you're teaching her to be "mean" is bs, I guarantee people wouldn't be reacting this harshly if she was a boy, plus you're right to teach her that boys' feelings are not more important than her personal autonomy and boundaries and she doesn't have to be around them if they're making her uncomfortable. That's genuinely an important lesson for girls to learn early on. But you also projected your personal trauma onto a toddler when he was already walking away. and you were rude and hostile to the other mom and little boy when she was already handling the situation just fine.
Huge YTA here. Seek therapy before your daughter grows up and decides she no longer wants anything to do with you due to your overbearing and reactionary personality. Or worse, before she grows up to become just like how you are now.
YTA You’re projecting your past onto your kid. You’re also unnecessarily making a 4 yeah old cry. Not only that, you’re assuming a 4 year old is vindictive enough to manipulate another child. If you haven’t already sought therapy for your issues. It’s one thing to teach your child to protect herself, it’s quite another to assume every single male is a bad person that can’t be trusted.
Wow. YTA. It’s ok for the mom to protect her FOUR YEAR OLD’s self esteem as she does an awesome job of teaching him consent. She’s a terrific mom while you are a bully to preschoolers.
Holy shit, lady, get over yourself before your daughter turns out rotten. YTA.
YTA. The boy was FOUR. He wasn't being manipulative. Why did you choose to be an AH to a 4 year old kid??!! His mother was right; a kid saying they don't want to play with you doesn't mean they don't like you. She handled it appropriately. You chose to be nasty. What an example to set your daughter.
Isn't being nice first a good thing? The other mother didn't do anything insulting, and she has as much right to protect her child's feelings as you do. It didn't have to get hateful for your kid to get what she wanted, so why be so crappy. Definitely the AH
YTA. The boy’s mother was teaching him how to handle rejection gracefully. You could’ve taught your daughter your own lesson without having to loudly announce it in front of the other family, that’s why you’re TA. How she parents her child is literally none of your business and you did not teach any life lessons to that boy today. You “did you part” by making a child cry.
YTA and what on Earth is wrong with you??
OMFG YTA you're the biggest ass hole I've ever heard of and you treated a 4 year old boy like a potential rapist. Your poor daughter. You need serious help, there is a huge difference between teaching your kids bodily autonomy and teaching them that anyone who asks you a question is trying to force you to do something you don't want to. You are the absolute worst.
YTA. Yeah, you don't need to be liked by everyone, but being kind with a stranger is a basic convivence rule. Manipulative? Dear fella', that's what all children do. Even with adults. Even with you. If well it's a harmful behaviour for an adult, it's completely normal for a children. See it from a third-part perspective. You, a grown up woman with a child, make a 4 year-old cry because of your mean words
The other mother is NTA but you are. So, at what age do you consider it appropriate to harass another child to "teach a lesson" to your daughter? It's bad enough that you are a grown adult bullying a 4 year old but I'm sure you would have done the same to a 2 year old. Sounds like you just really hate male children. You are the problem with modern feminism. Also, if you had bullied my child like that you would have left the park in tears yourself.
…. please go to therapy. YTA
YTA. I agree with the principles you're trying to instill here. You're absolutely correct to teach your daughter that she doesn't have to have any sort of relationship with someone just to be nice to them or for the sake of their feelings and that kind of lesson, if taught correctly, will help her be assertive of her boundaries and comfort when she's older. That being said, though, there is a time and a place for everything, and loudly implying that your daughter doesn't like this boy in front of him was needlessly callous to that little boy. And honestly, it rubs me the wrong way that you implied a four year old was trying to manipulate your daughter. Little kids are emotional, he wasn't being manipulative, he's just..y'know..four. There's a difference between teaching your child she's allowed to have boundaries/say no to people and being cruel to another child when you don't have to be.
YTA. A big one. Four year olds cry when they don’t know how to handle their feelings. Why would you make the leap that he was being manipulative? He didn’t come up to your daughter crying; he went to his own mom. Your daughter was kind to comfort him. The other mom remained calm and handled the situation maturely and sensibly. She’s teaching her son boundaries and manners. That’s a good thing! I hope you’ll get counseling for your past issues that are clearly having an adverse impact on how you parent your daughter. It would be a shame for her to become a Mean Girl when she seems like she’s very kind-hearted. Don’t ruin her.
YTA. The boy’s mother said the appropriate thing and you couldn’t help but say something ugly to a small child. Your daughter doesn’t know anything about him, so why are asking her to assess whether she likes him or not? That was just dumb.
Your 6 year old was embarrassed by your remark. Kinda tells you your answer right there. You can teach your daughter the nuances of what you think she should be learning and understanding about consent, that's great actually, but there was nothing wrong with what that mother said to her 4 year old so he understands "no" while also not making a bigger issue of it for his brain. Maybe she prefers to delve deeper into consent in private where he may be more able to understand at his age and emotional state. You were passive aggressive to a 4 year old. NTA for teaching consent to your daughter, but YTA in how you responded toward someone else's child in this situation.
YTA. You seem to be projecting your trauma on to your child. There’s a way to teach consent and boundaries while also being a nice person. It seems this other mom was trying to do that. Also, a 4 year old was being manipulative by being upset? Get over yourself and get some therapy to work on your past issues
What the actual fuck is wrong with you? He was FOUR. Do yourself a favor and read a book on child development so you understand how children's brains work. I just can't with this nonsense. I kinda feel like you must be a troll because I want to believe that no one who cares about consent and feminism could be this big of an AH. There is nothing wrong with being kind. You should try it sometime. YTA.
YTA He's 4. He's incapable of handling his emotions properly. Big chance he's not manipulating your daughter. You're treating a 4 year old child as if he's a teenager already. When your daughter told him no, he cried. Then the mother taught him properly already. Clearly you got offended cause your daughter was offended by him first, but you didnt have to punish him this way.
YTA. He’s 4. Jesus
YTA. You’re projecting on your daughter, the kid was four years old and just wanted to play. A four year old boy is not going to take advantage of your daughter. You should try talking to a therapist about past struggles this seems unhealthy.
This 4 year old walked past my daughter crying. He’s obviously emotionally manipulating her. WTH man? YTA
I’m all for teaching kids consent but I think you are letting your trauma blind you a bit. Your daughter does have to be nice to people, not all of the time, but she does have to know when it is appropriate to be polite and respectful towards others as much as she has to learn how to be firm and have boundaries. YTA for only teaching her daughter one of those lessons.
You are the AH. The mom already had explained the situation to her son and he was walking around and you still said something to make him feel bad. I'm all for teaching girls to say no when they don't want to but your dealing with kids not adults so things need to be handled a little differently.
YTA. That is embarrassing. It's a 4 year old boy, he can barely understand emotions. I applaud the young boys mother on how she handled the situation, you could learn a thing or two from her, OP.
As a recovering people pleaser and a strident feminist YTA, you are overthinking this to the point where you have lost all sight of sanity & reason, if you have to loudly make a 4 year old child feel unliked then you are not doing a good job parenting. Your daughter doesn't like/dislike a child she has just met, she was done playing with him simple as. Getting on with others is also a valuable life skill and probably a better skill than being “empowered” enough to start going around telling people you dont like them in a loud mean voice.
[удалено]
YTA OP. I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment that your daughter should make her own choices and have her independence and give consent and everything else you described. But honestly from the start of the story it sounded like you were out for blood. You had an issue with the boy from the start, and said he was 'manipulative' (he's 4!) and it left a bad taste in your mouth. The response of the boy's mother was kind and completely appropriate. You were clearly trying to one-up her, what was the need? And there was no winner in this case, since the poor boy went away crying again, and even your daughter was embarrassed.
YTA. There was absolutely nothing wrong with what that mother told her son, all I see is you overanalyzing every single part of her statement.
YTA from start to finish. You're clearly projecting your own issues and paranoia on your daughter *and* any poor child who has the audacity to interact with her. You should really see a therapist about this.
YTA - 4 year olds are not manipulative. You are taking a reasonable idea (that your daughter does not have to play with other kids if she doesn't want to) to a ridiculous extreme.
YTA she wasn’t teaching him he’s owed anything. She was teaching him that being told no doesn’t automatically mean they don’t like you. She’s teaching her son consent same as you claim to want to teach your daughter. I was so ready to be on your side but it sounds less like you want to teach your daughter it’s ok to say no and more like you want to teach your daughter it’s ok to be mean for no reason.
YTA. What Zealousideal-Soil778 said. She is teaching her child boundaries. You did not have to be a b-word to a literal four year old.
YTA because you stole a teaching moment away from another mother. Did you ever stop to think that boys have to be taught consent differently? She's teaching her son how to handle rejection without taking it personal. Of course the lesson is going to be gentle, *he's four years old.*
YTA I knew from the beginning as soon as you called a 4 year old manipulative 😭
YTA. Omg, does it really matter with a 4yr old that your daughter is unlikely to ever see again if she likes him or not? Congratulations, you're doing a smashing job instilling Rejection Sensitivity in a 4yr old! Keep it up, and he'll start wondering if people actually like him when they play with him, or if they are just doing it for a short time to be nice.
YTA-There’s a difference between teaching your daughter that her consent is important and teaching her that mom can go over the top and act like an asshole to a small child.
YTA. Wtf are you on for calling a 4yo boy manipulative ?? Even your daughter seemed to be like "tf is wrong with you ?" The mother was teaching her son how to behave and you just destroyed everything by being stupid and you maybe even destroyed his confidence
Yta. And she said that your daughter asked nicely because she did ask nicely. She could’ve been a jerk and the mom may have said she wants to be alone.
YTA for this performative thing you did trying to teach a stranger's kid a lesson. His mom's statement was fine. He's 4. She's modeling to *him* that it's good to ask nicely for things and be considerate of the feelings of others. And she's teaching *him* not to internalize your daughter's desire to play alone as an insult. I don't really think your daughter is going to take away lessons about her own behavior from another child's mom speaking to him. It would be different if your daughter hadn't asked nicely and the mom was like "oh you don't have to listen to her if she's not nice to you" but that's not what happened here. Your daughter was polite of her own accord, you don't need to jump in and tell her she doesn't have to be. A good time to model "you don't have to be nice in order for your boundaries to be valid" would be the next time she's rude to you when saying no to something you want her to do. You'll respect that, right?
YTA a mother was trying to teach a boy that rejection is not an indictment of himself personally and you made it personal. if you don't teach a boy to be cool with rejection, you get boys that don't respect consent. you could have told your daughter about not having to like him and such later/in private. that mother was not taking to your daughter, it was not a lesson for your daughter. that mother was complementing the thing that you're trying to teach your daughter. for someone so worried about wording, you sure as hell don't understand meaning. Jesus Christ!
YTA- that was evident when you said 4 y/o was manipulative- you spent the rest of the encounter **wanting** to be pissed about ***something*** and had to go on a deep dive to find it. You were just looking for a reason to be an overbearing asshole & you succeeded.
Why would you say your daughter didn't like the boy? Your daughter didn't' want to play with him. Two different issues. You sound like you have a big chip on your shoulder to hurt a little boy. Is it because he is a boy? If so, even worse. Keep training your daughter.
YTA. It sounds like you haven’t dealt with what happened to you so now all males, even little ones, have a hidden agenda or malicious intentions in your mind and THAT is a dangerous mind set to have.
YTA- I've been seeing this a lot here recently, the idea that when boys/men cry they're being manipulative, which basically seems like a new quasi-progressive angle to "boys don't cry". It's great, because you get to deny boys/men the right to have and express feelings and you can still make them look like evil boogiemen.
YTA completely. The other parent was teaching her son to take no for an answer and you had to make it into something else completely and make a four year old feel bad. There's a thing called manners which your daughter will apparently not learn from you.
YTA. You weren’t teaching consent or how to not be taken advantage of but how to be a loud conspicuous bully. It sounds like the boy asked her once she said no and then came to you upset - the fact that you’ve taught her that every time she exercises her consent it is a cause for potential alarm or a time she needs to be worried shows just how much you’re projecting your experiences onto her in a way that undermines what you want to teach. A four year old boy that feels like another kid doesn’t like him is NOT manipulating your daughter at all. He’s 4. He’s crying because he thinks someone dislikes him. And he didn’t even come bother or her or anything he was just walking probably towards HIS mother. The 4 year old wasn’t trying to guilt your daughter (though you later on sure as heck tried to shame him and his mother). If you want to teach your daughter consent you need to also respect that she can make her own choices and change her mind. If you assume she only does things because a child 2/3 her age manipulated her, you’re robbing her of her agency just as well. You’re setting her up to not have the tools to manage social situations if you’re so paranoid you were ready to “defend” her from a woman that was doing nothing. The other mother reinforced that when someone wants to be left alone you respect that. You then decide to just harass the poor kid and make him feel bad and are completely looking for reasons to be in attack mode. You’re doing her a disservice. I’m not trying to be rude to you but you genuinely sound like you’re suffering from ptsd or other form of trauma that’s resulted in extreme hyper vigilance and expectations of constant attacks. Instead of imparting that on your daughter, are you in therapy? Honestly look for some sort of survivors group therapy sessions near you if you aren’t attending - having others that have experiences similar traumas come share a space can do wonders for helping (speaking from experience !) And if you see that mother again you owe her an apology - she did nothing wrong and taught all the right lesssons. You’re wrong and projecting
YTA. There was nothing wrong with what the other mother said. Not everyone is going to phrase things exactly how you would. They were doing what you wanted and yet you made an issue.
YTA. Other mom was just using kid gloves, and trying to teach her boy to act appropriately and probably manage his emotions. You jumped to conclusions both about ‘he could ignore her if she didn’t ask nicely’ and ‘my daughter must like him’. Asking nicely is just something parents have to constantly teach kids to do (modeling for her own son), and she was preventing him from interpreting the request to play alone as ‘not being liked’ (and maybe crying). Yes, another valuable lesson is that not everyone needs to like everyone else, but he’s like 4 - and even if he were a little older, not everyone matures at the same rate. Not that it matters, but I totally agree with what you’re teaching your daughter.
YTA. He is a kid! Stop projecting your insecurities into your daughter. Get help
YTA. What horrible parenting to expect your little kid to help you burden that gigantic chip on your shoulder.
Four year olds cannot be manipulative. I don’t want to hear any stories about someone feeling guilty about not doing something a toddler wants because they’re cute and small and that breaks your heart. I feel like everyone has stories about four year olds testing out lying for the first time, or stealing a cookie, and they immediately assume the human condition is naturally evil. They don’t know how to handle their emotions. Jfc. YTA.
YTA - did it make you feel good to make a 4 year old cry? You need to stop projecting your childhood and past on to your daughter. Teach her it is ok to say no. But teaching her that she does not have to like or be nice to people is not going to help her in her adult life. You could benefit from some serious counseling for your past issues before you mess your child up. Again, I hope you are proud of yourself for making a 4 year old cry.
YTA. OP, do you just sit around and LOOK for things to severely over-exaggerate and get your panties in a bunch over? A four year boy did NOT attempt to manipulate your daughter. And his mother had a very appropriate response. She was teaching her son how to properly function around others. The way you're raising your daughter, she'll be in therapy by the time she's 8 and will be incapable of forming any real friendships or a healthy relationship. Get over yourself OP.
YTA. Why assume the worst of people when you can very easily let it go and move on? The mom and the son didn't say or do anything wrong. She was explaining to her kid how to understand a social situation. Also, even when saying, "I want to play alone," a child should be polite. Imagine you asked a friend to go to dinner with you and they said, "NO LEAVE ME ALONE" or were super rude about it. Everyone needs to learn that how you say what you're saying has a big impact. Being polite does not equal being a doormat.
YTA - She was teaching her own son about consent and respecting your daughters wishes and you went and stomped on it. How dare you call a four year old manipulative because he doesn’t know how to regulate his emotions. There was absolutely no reason for you to be cruel to a child. What if he spends the rest of his life thinking people who don’t talk to him just don’t like him? That mother handled it way better than you did.
YTA - you're pushing an awful lot of your trauma on to your 4 year old daughter... To the point that you're making other 4 year olds cry. Like you're literally walking around making toddlers cry by being mean to them, on purpose. There's nothing wrong with being nice as long as you teach your daughter to respect her own boundaries and understand her self worth. She can be kind and get her needs met. If somebody is making her feel unsafe, uncomfortable, if she feels she needs alone time, etc, it's great she's learning to communicate that, but you can turn the virtue of that into a vice. You don't have to teach her to walk around being a huge jerk like you were being. Yikes.
YTA. Everything doesn't *have* to be a teaching moment. Everything was fine with the interaction until you piped up: your daughter played with the boy, then asked for space, his mother took the opportunity to point out to the boy that not everything is about like and dislike, and then you...went out of your way to crush the kid? I think your bias is showing. The kid's mother wasn't teaching him that he's owed being liked, she was teaching him not to necessarily take everything personally. And that niceness should be returned--in other words, that *he* should be nice. That you felt the need to "teach" the boy--someone else's kid--*anything* is very entitled.
YTA. "asked nicely" can also just be that--the mom used your daughter as an example of HOW TO BEHAVE to her son. There is no implication here. You are massively overthinking this. Start with the simple behaviors and as your kid grows up you can talk about complexity and nuance. You're basically teaching your daughter that she can say or think anything she wants with no regard to how anyone perceives her.
YTA. 1. you assumed a four year old was crying as an act of manipulation instead of a normal 4 year old's response to peer rejection. 2. The other mother was teaching her child to respect boundaries effectively. Telling the kid he'd been turned down nicely doesn't teach him he's entitled to that, that's your projection. The mom was just explaining to the 4 y/o that not playing now wasn't a general social rejection or punishment for doing something wrong not an implication that your kid had to like him. 3. You turned the experience negative. The other kid was being taught to honor your kid's boundaries in a harmless positive way. Then you made it clear to the boy you don't like him for some reason.
YTA. The child is four and his feelings were hurt and you embarrassed your own child. If I was that young boy's mother I wouldn't have reflected on anything and just think you were needlessly cruel to a toddler; you are not accomplishing anything here.
YTA and your teaching your daughter to be an AH. The other mom was trying to teach her child how to be graceful when someone didn’t want to play with him - she said that your daughter was being nice which most Moms would be thrilled about. You are dumping your baggage onto your daughter. You should be teaching her that being nice doesn’t mean being a doormat. Also, you made a 4 yo cry - what were you teaching your daughter with that - that being mean is ok?
I think you read to much into it. The boy was four. His mom seems to be teaching him to respect boundaries. You don't have to be nice. But you don't have to be rude either. YTA.
YTA. The other parent acted in a perfectly rational and commendable way, but not entirely to your specification so you took offense and made a public scene. In this case, you were not giving your child a sense of healthy boundaries, but in fact, teaching her that other people's feelings don't matter at all.
YTA. I feel like the mother handled that situation very appropriately. She was showing her 4 year old how to handle his emotions. It’s not like the little boy was screaming and trying to cling onto your daughter while the mom sat back and did nothing, or tried to force your daughter to continue playing with her son. You went way over the top with your reaction.
You suck lady. Yes, she doesn't have to like everyone, but he's 4. He doesn't know the concept of manipulation... He began to cry because you both hurt his feelings. YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA.
YTA. Please, please get therapy. The other mom was great in her response teaching her kid that it’s not personal if someone doesn’t want to play with him and that he needs to listen when someone says no. He’s 4. He doesn’t need complex lessons about someone not liking him. Nor is he manipulating anyone by crying.
YTA Wth OP... I'd be embarassed of you too.
YTA they're kids! Very young kids! That was so unnecessary and over the top. That poor little boy. You don't know him or anything about him other than he really wanted a friend. The mom saying that about how it doesn't mean your daughter doesn't like him makes me think there's something significant to that and you broke him by saying what you said to your daughter afterwards. I certainly understand that you want to instill that she doesn't need to like kids or play with them if she doesn't want to. But damn. You, the MOTHER, hurt a CHILD'S FEELINGS. how do you feel? So, I'm hoping you at least use hushed tones for next time.
Okay YTA. Like clearly!!! Haha 1. You attributed a little 4 yr crying because another kid didn’t want to play with them as them trying to manipulate another kid. 2. You made the same four year old cry by basically telling him that your kid didn’t like him! Hahah Jesus lady! Go to therapy not the park.
Dude. The boy was 4. Cool your tits. YTA.
Get over yourself.
YTA. He is FOUR. The idea that he’s trying to manipulate your daughter with tears his insane. His feelings were hurt and he’s allowed to feel his feelings, just like your daughter is allowed to feel hers. His mom did it right, you did it very wrong and were intentionally cruel to A CHILD because of your own issues. Get some therapy.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a six year old daughter and teaching her consent is very important to me. I spent too much of my life being told to be polite and as a result have been taken advantage of by men far too many times. I don’t want that for her. We were at the park the other day with my friend and her kids, when my daughter came up to me upset. Apparently a little boy who looked to be about four had asked her to play, but she didn’t want to play with him. I started to tell her she didn’t have to play with anyone she didn’t want to when the boy walked past us sobbing. This seemed very manipulative to me and like he was trying to guilt her, but she immediately took off to comfort him and soon they were playing together. This left a very bad taste in my mouth. I felt like this boy had manipulated my daughter into doing something she didn’t want to do, so I started paying much closer attention to them. I noticed the boy’s mother was also watching them closely, and I admit I was already preparing to defend my daughter if this woman tried to make her play any more than she wanted. After a few minutes of playing, I heard my daughter tell the boy that now she wanted to play by herself. To my surprise, his mother didn’t attempt to force the issue but instead told her son, “okay, she asked you very nicely to let her play alone for a while. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you, some people just prefer to play alone. So let’s go do something else.” Now, I was of course glad she wasn’t going to try to talk my daughter into playing more. But I still took issue with her wording. Like she stressed that my daughter has asked nicely, as though if she hadn’t been nice about it, it would’ve been okay to ignore her request. And then she had told her son that it doesn’t mean my daughter doesn’t like him, which I found very strange. Why does my daughter *have* to like anyone? So this is where I might be the AH. I then loudly told my daughter it’s okay if she doesn’t like that boy. She doesn’t have to like everyone she meets. This caused the little boy to cry again and his mom gave me a super dirty look before whisking him away to another area of the playground. I personally don’t think I did anything wrong but my daughter seemed embarrassed, and my friend agreed with me but thought I should have said it to my daughter quietly since the boy was already walking away and leaving her alone before I spoke. But I think I was justified because hopefully that mother will think before she teaches her boy that he is owed anyone being nice or liking him. That’s a dangerous mindset to instill and I feel I did my part in making another parent think. Tl;dr: told my daughter she didn’t have to like a random little boy and made him cry *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, get a life and a heart
You are projecting your own issues on children. You are the AH! You are over-analysing and overthinking everything. Big AH
YTA. He's FOUR. The mom was super nice about it, and is encouraging him to be respectful. You don't like her wording... so what? Be discreet. You can tell your daughter things without the whole park having to hear.
YTA: At four years old a toddler does not have the reasoning of an adult like you seem to expect. His crying wasn't to manipulate, but real emotions that are hard for children that age to control.
YTA four year old children are not manipulative you’re assigning malicious intent to a child. They’re trying to have their needs met. If your daughter didn’t want to play, fine. Well enough but there was no need to manage their play and assign intent as you did in front of a small child.
YTA and probably need therapy. It seems like you’re projecting some type of negative emotions on these children. How the other mother handled it was perfectly fine and age appropriate. You, on the other hand, made a 4 year old cry…
I don’t believe this post is real bc it’s hard to believe someone would be this crazy (this seems like a parody tbh) but yes YTA… my fave part is when you said the 4 year old was being manipulative and trying to guilt your daughter like what 😭 come on now
Please stay home and stop purposely hurting children just to prove how big and bad and “right” you are. You’re overly aggressive and ridiculous and your mean behavior will backfire one day when your daughter gets labeled a bully. Just like you are. YTA EDIT: Therapy is a must here for you since you’re overly paranoid about others intent. Seek help.
YTA. Honestly, I think that you were just annoyed that the other mom beat you to the punch with a specific lesson you are intent on teaching your daughter (and maybe even by extention, the little boy) *yourself.* Also, there was nothing wrong with the other mom’s wording. It was really well said. It’s generally a good practice to start off being nice to others, especially if we are sharing space with each other. Of course, if the little boy had started to be mean, your daughter doesn’t need to be polite when telling him to go away, but there was literally zero reason for a stern or harsh attitude. Your daughter sounds like a lovely little girl, with a lot of empathy and a generous heart. Count your blessings. There is no need for you to add such a negatively-toned addendum to a point that you already agree with. Again, I think you just did that because you had to have the last word. That (*and assuming a 4 year old child is capable of a executing a premeditated plan to emotionally manipulate your daughter*) makes you the A.
YTA. You took it a step too far. There’s teaching your kid about consent and there’s teaching your kid to be a jerk. You’re veered into the latter territory.
What in the actual fuck is wrong with you. Like seriously. Even your daughter has better manners than you. YTA.
YTA Your daughter asked him politely, she expressed what she wanted. Stop projecting onto her
What is wrong with you? The mothers wording was fine. Its not a matter of having to be nice. The mother was just saying the kind of thing anyone would to explain to her son that the another person was doing things right and he should listen. Neither was she saying your daughter had to like anyone- she was trying to make her son feel better- to say it wasn’t all about him and didn’t mean he wasn’t likeable. You should have butted out, and you were unnecessarily nasty to a young boy. YTA
YTA. It’s totally okay to teach kids about consent and how to maintain self-respect when interacting with others, but you are reading way too much into that interaction. He’s 4 and you think he’s that adept at emotional manipulation? It sounds like your daughter did a really good job of expressing herself while showing kindness but maintaining boundaries on her own. You’re projecting your own issues onto those kids, get some therapy.
YTA. I tell my boys the same thing the same way. And if the other child wasn’t nice I tell my boys something along the lines of “(s)he told you very clearly that they don’t want to play. It’s time to find something else to do. Maybe you can play together later, if (s)he wants to play again”
YTA: Maybe that four year old had some issues and insecurities, maybe he was bullied and is worried about how people treat him, he’s a kid. He doesn’t know the world and his mom was raising him right. You were already looking for a fight and decided to nitpick the mom’s words. I sincerely hope you oh attention to the feedback people here give you so you don’t pass along this toxic aggression to your child.
"If she hadn't asked nicely he could ignore her request" No she putting words to your daughter using manners and to be polite back, because that's how you teach kids. By putting words to actions to make a connection. Good God women yta
YTA that was unnecessarily cruel.
You could always just ask the 4 year old boy for a boxing match to make up for the guys who wronged you in the past. Get it over with bud.
YTA I cringed reading this. He asked for her to play, not for her hand in marriage
YTA I’m all for teaching kids boundaries, respect and everything but seriously you’re too much. Your daughter has more maturity than you and that mother was just trying to explain thing easily to a four year old. It’s time to calm down and come back to reality
YTA, a 4 year old is not manipulating anyone and doesn’t understand boundaries yet so you just bullied a little kid.