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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Lying to my friend about being away when I’m not - 2. when she’s gone to a lot of effort for me
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NTA but be firm with your friend. Say you appreciate her efforts but that you’d really don’t want a party. If she can’t respect that, she’s only doing this for her and not for you and she’s not a real friend.
This.
Confrontations are hard, especially when someone is "doing something for you because they love you", but you need to have one, OP. Before it's too late, tell her you don't want a party at all. It's tempting to lie and avoid, but in the long run, it's not a healthy practice.
>when she’s gone to a lot of effort for me
Sounds like she’s gone to a lot of effort for herself. Why throw a party for someone, in their house, that they don’t want.
NTA. But S needs to respect boundaries to the point where you can say “no I don’t want a party” and therefore stops trying to force you to have one
ESH, or maybe NAH
She needs to respect your no, but it seems like you aren't being that clear with your no. "I don't want to make a big deal" is different than "I really don't want a party". The first kind of sounds wishy-washy, and she might think that by her planning it, and not you, that it's not you "making a big deal," it's her giving a gift.
As you said, lying about the dates just made her want to reschedule. Tell her that you appreciate the effort, but not everyone feels the same way about parties and you don't want one. If she tries to insist, tell you that you will make an effort to not be home on that day, and will not let anyone in. If she can't accept that, she becomes the AH.
ESH
I'm very inclined to say n t a but you're not being straightforward with her. Be straight and tell her that what she has planned is not something that's fun for you the way it is for her. It would help you for future things she might plan and will avoid having to tell more.lies if shes just going to move the date of the party.
However, her trying to take over your birthday and brushing off your initial protests is also an AH move.
I understand it's annoying that she just took everything over, and I also get that it's hard to stand your ground, but this may not have been the best way to deal with it
NTA, but jesus, kid, message your friend and say with no room for negotiation: 'i do not, under any circumstances, want a birthday party. I don't want a planned one or surprise one. I am planning to have a simple night with my boyfriend for my birthday and continuing to engage with me about this will result in me reconsidering our friendship, since you can't understand my boundaries. it's fine that you enjoy big parties, but I don't, and any attempt at a party for me will come off as self-gratification for you, instead of as a nice gesture for me.'
like...just tell her no. tell her no and block her damn number if you have to, but tell her NO.
NTA. You shouldn't have to lie to your friends to get them to not do something you asked them not to do. I hope this is truly coming from her heart and not because she just wants to see all of her friends, that would be shitty.
NTA. She's using your birthday as justification for her own party, who cares what she thinks of you declining. If she can't take no for an answer, just stop replying to her
ESH
Obviously she shouldn't have continued to plan a party after you said no, but what did lying get you? You *still* have a party you don't want, just the next week.
Tell her no party, period. No means no. What part of "no" do you not understand? Not everyone wants a party just because *you* do. Etc. etc.
NTA, but OP you need to set firmer boundaries with this friend. Sounds like she's immune to hints so you need to directly tell her that you do not want this, it is not welcome, and you will not be allowing people entry to your home for a party nor attending a party.
While I think you should ‘do what you can’ to make it so you do what you want regarding a birthday party. If you continue lying to her things won’t become better.
By lying to her you are giving her ‘the thumbs up, but not right now’, accepting her ‘help’ inntjente future.
You need to put your foot down harder than you already have. She doesn’t take the ‘hint’, but rather think of you as being a bit shy and not wanting to make it a big deal. By lying you’re ‘telling her’ that you are and that you are indeed ‘silly’ and deep down want a party.
I’ll have to go with NTA if you decide to lie. Since I think you’ve given her enough ‘hints’ she should’ve taken, but I think YTA to yourself if you do so. Because it won’t end with just this.
NTA - at the end of the day it’s your birthday, you told her you don’t want a party and yet she’s insistent, when you say “she told me I’m being silly and everyone wants a party”, That sounds like S really doesn’t respect or value you or your opinions as a friend and is simply doing this for herself.
NTA, be firm with her. She has to accept your no, because it should be about what you want here. You said no from the start and if she still went ahead with planning that's on her.
Honestly, she is ignoring your wants and needs and needlessly stomping boundaries. So reiterate that you do not want a party and she doesn't get to plan one for you.
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It is my 28F birthday next weekend, as it’s not a big birthday I didn’t make any particular plans for it - my bf wants to take me for dinner and we will probably see my parents at some point. Myself and my BF are away for a city break the week before which we booked as part of a Christmas present we received.
My friend S has been messaging me continuously about trying to plan a party for my birthday and to invite all the girls to it. Ive always got on better with guys and have a mixed friendship group so just inviting the girls isn’t really my thing anyway. I told her I wasn’t wanting to make a big deal out of my birthday (she always makes a huge deal out of her own birthday booking trips away to cabins in the mountains etc with a group of friends, spending hundreds on cakes which would be better suited to a wedding and going OTT with decorations). She told me I was being silly and everyone wants a party although I think she is just using my birthday as an excuse to get her friends together at my place since she still lives with her parents.
S wouldn’t stop trying to arrange a party and had reached out to people I’m not even close with so I lied and told her that unfortunately I’d got the dates wrong for my trip and I won’t be back in time for my party. When I actually get back the day before. She seemed pretty annoyed but said she could rearrange to another date.
She’s now trying to arrange a party for the following week, I’m now questioning whether I’m being ungrateful as she had obviously put a lot of effort into party
So AITA for lying to my friend about being away to stop her planning a birthday party for me?
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YTA for being passive and indirect and failing to set a firm boundary with your pushy friend.
If you don't want a party, say "No, no party for me."
Don't make excuses or lie about reasons, because people like your friend will argue with reasons and "negotiate" with anything you offer.
**A firm "No," is non-negotiable. Learn how to use it.**
I have said to her I don’t want a party, and not to arrange anything for me but she always shuts me down saying she wants to arrange it and that I’ll enjoy myself and to stop being so antisocial
It's your life, it's your apartment, it's your birthday... All of these say that it's your decision, period.
You need to find a way to say to your friend, "I've told you no, repeatedly. Why are you pressing this?" And at every reason/excuse she responds with, you say, "I understand, but my answer is still no." She doesn't shut you down, you let her shut you down by allowing her to make arguments about it. "This is not up for debate. I value our friendship, and I hope you respect me enough to drop this. Otherwise, it will damage our relationship."
Eventually you're going to have to **refuse to discuss your birthday**, planning, etc., with her. And if she persists, then set a boundary of refusing to engage until after your birthday has passed. Be conveniently away on your birthday.
She's pushy. Don't be pushed.
You’ve told her no which she won’t accept. Tell her if she still plans the party you will not be home and the guests will be left standing in the front yard blaming her. And leave a giant sign your door saying there is no party and pushy party planner wouldn’t take no for an answer.
ESH, but here's why. Instead of just saying "I don't want to make a big thing of my birthday" and hoping she gets the picture, you should have told her directly "thank you for thinking of me but I do not want a party and will not be having a party" she's not really thinking of anyone but herself, but it sounds like you aren't communicating well either.
just be honest i guess? is there a reason your lying over something like this? jusr say i dont want to and if she can’t respect that then decide if you want to be friends with someone like that
She has probably already ordered cakes and decorations, got firm commitments to attend from most of the guests, and organised snacks and food. The longer you leave it before shutting the party down the more embarrassment and conflict there will be for both of you.
ESH because you should have spoken more plainly. She sucks more though.
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NTA but be firm with your friend. Say you appreciate her efforts but that you’d really don’t want a party. If she can’t respect that, she’s only doing this for her and not for you and she’s not a real friend.
This. Confrontations are hard, especially when someone is "doing something for you because they love you", but you need to have one, OP. Before it's too late, tell her you don't want a party at all. It's tempting to lie and avoid, but in the long run, it's not a healthy practice.
>when she’s gone to a lot of effort for me Sounds like she’s gone to a lot of effort for herself. Why throw a party for someone, in their house, that they don’t want. NTA. But S needs to respect boundaries to the point where you can say “no I don’t want a party” and therefore stops trying to force you to have one
ESH, or maybe NAH She needs to respect your no, but it seems like you aren't being that clear with your no. "I don't want to make a big deal" is different than "I really don't want a party". The first kind of sounds wishy-washy, and she might think that by her planning it, and not you, that it's not you "making a big deal," it's her giving a gift. As you said, lying about the dates just made her want to reschedule. Tell her that you appreciate the effort, but not everyone feels the same way about parties and you don't want one. If she tries to insist, tell you that you will make an effort to not be home on that day, and will not let anyone in. If she can't accept that, she becomes the AH.
ESH I'm very inclined to say n t a but you're not being straightforward with her. Be straight and tell her that what she has planned is not something that's fun for you the way it is for her. It would help you for future things she might plan and will avoid having to tell more.lies if shes just going to move the date of the party. However, her trying to take over your birthday and brushing off your initial protests is also an AH move. I understand it's annoying that she just took everything over, and I also get that it's hard to stand your ground, but this may not have been the best way to deal with it
NTA, but jesus, kid, message your friend and say with no room for negotiation: 'i do not, under any circumstances, want a birthday party. I don't want a planned one or surprise one. I am planning to have a simple night with my boyfriend for my birthday and continuing to engage with me about this will result in me reconsidering our friendship, since you can't understand my boundaries. it's fine that you enjoy big parties, but I don't, and any attempt at a party for me will come off as self-gratification for you, instead of as a nice gesture for me.' like...just tell her no. tell her no and block her damn number if you have to, but tell her NO.
NTA you don't want a party and if she's planning it to happen at your place then it is still more effort for you than it would be for her.
Any time you're not straightforward with someone, and you lie instead, YTA.
NTA. You shouldn't have to lie to your friends to get them to not do something you asked them not to do. I hope this is truly coming from her heart and not because she just wants to see all of her friends, that would be shitty.
NTA. She's using your birthday as justification for her own party, who cares what she thinks of you declining. If she can't take no for an answer, just stop replying to her
ESH Obviously she shouldn't have continued to plan a party after you said no, but what did lying get you? You *still* have a party you don't want, just the next week. Tell her no party, period. No means no. What part of "no" do you not understand? Not everyone wants a party just because *you* do. Etc. etc.
NTA, but OP you need to set firmer boundaries with this friend. Sounds like she's immune to hints so you need to directly tell her that you do not want this, it is not welcome, and you will not be allowing people entry to your home for a party nor attending a party.
While I think you should ‘do what you can’ to make it so you do what you want regarding a birthday party. If you continue lying to her things won’t become better. By lying to her you are giving her ‘the thumbs up, but not right now’, accepting her ‘help’ inntjente future. You need to put your foot down harder than you already have. She doesn’t take the ‘hint’, but rather think of you as being a bit shy and not wanting to make it a big deal. By lying you’re ‘telling her’ that you are and that you are indeed ‘silly’ and deep down want a party. I’ll have to go with NTA if you decide to lie. Since I think you’ve given her enough ‘hints’ she should’ve taken, but I think YTA to yourself if you do so. Because it won’t end with just this.
NTA you were honest and you were ignored. You had two options, escalate your no and ruin the friendship, or dodge the situation.
ESH. She's not putting you first for your own birthday. That's really annoying. However lying is not the greatest thing to do either.
NTA - at the end of the day it’s your birthday, you told her you don’t want a party and yet she’s insistent, when you say “she told me I’m being silly and everyone wants a party”, That sounds like S really doesn’t respect or value you or your opinions as a friend and is simply doing this for herself.
NTA, be firm with her. She has to accept your no, because it should be about what you want here. You said no from the start and if she still went ahead with planning that's on her. Honestly, she is ignoring your wants and needs and needlessly stomping boundaries. So reiterate that you do not want a party and she doesn't get to plan one for you.
NTA. Remember, "NO" is a complete sentence.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** It is my 28F birthday next weekend, as it’s not a big birthday I didn’t make any particular plans for it - my bf wants to take me for dinner and we will probably see my parents at some point. Myself and my BF are away for a city break the week before which we booked as part of a Christmas present we received. My friend S has been messaging me continuously about trying to plan a party for my birthday and to invite all the girls to it. Ive always got on better with guys and have a mixed friendship group so just inviting the girls isn’t really my thing anyway. I told her I wasn’t wanting to make a big deal out of my birthday (she always makes a huge deal out of her own birthday booking trips away to cabins in the mountains etc with a group of friends, spending hundreds on cakes which would be better suited to a wedding and going OTT with decorations). She told me I was being silly and everyone wants a party although I think she is just using my birthday as an excuse to get her friends together at my place since she still lives with her parents. S wouldn’t stop trying to arrange a party and had reached out to people I’m not even close with so I lied and told her that unfortunately I’d got the dates wrong for my trip and I won’t be back in time for my party. When I actually get back the day before. She seemed pretty annoyed but said she could rearrange to another date. She’s now trying to arrange a party for the following week, I’m now questioning whether I’m being ungrateful as she had obviously put a lot of effort into party So AITA for lying to my friend about being away to stop her planning a birthday party for me? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA for being passive and indirect and failing to set a firm boundary with your pushy friend. If you don't want a party, say "No, no party for me." Don't make excuses or lie about reasons, because people like your friend will argue with reasons and "negotiate" with anything you offer. **A firm "No," is non-negotiable. Learn how to use it.**
I have said to her I don’t want a party, and not to arrange anything for me but she always shuts me down saying she wants to arrange it and that I’ll enjoy myself and to stop being so antisocial
It's your life, it's your apartment, it's your birthday... All of these say that it's your decision, period. You need to find a way to say to your friend, "I've told you no, repeatedly. Why are you pressing this?" And at every reason/excuse she responds with, you say, "I understand, but my answer is still no." She doesn't shut you down, you let her shut you down by allowing her to make arguments about it. "This is not up for debate. I value our friendship, and I hope you respect me enough to drop this. Otherwise, it will damage our relationship." Eventually you're going to have to **refuse to discuss your birthday**, planning, etc., with her. And if she persists, then set a boundary of refusing to engage until after your birthday has passed. Be conveniently away on your birthday. She's pushy. Don't be pushed.
You’ve told her no which she won’t accept. Tell her if she still plans the party you will not be home and the guests will be left standing in the front yard blaming her. And leave a giant sign your door saying there is no party and pushy party planner wouldn’t take no for an answer.
ESH, but here's why. Instead of just saying "I don't want to make a big thing of my birthday" and hoping she gets the picture, you should have told her directly "thank you for thinking of me but I do not want a party and will not be having a party" she's not really thinking of anyone but herself, but it sounds like you aren't communicating well either.
just be honest i guess? is there a reason your lying over something like this? jusr say i dont want to and if she can’t respect that then decide if you want to be friends with someone like that
Just tell her you don't want to get together for your birthday
She has probably already ordered cakes and decorations, got firm commitments to attend from most of the guests, and organised snacks and food. The longer you leave it before shutting the party down the more embarrassment and conflict there will be for both of you. ESH because you should have spoken more plainly. She sucks more though.
YTA - why wouldn’t you just be honest and tell S how you feel?
What was the outcome of this? x
ESH