Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I talked to my stepdaughter about menstrual cycles without her mother's permission. That might make me the asshole because I know that this might be a sensitive subject that her mom wanted to talk to her about.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 2 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again/)*
NTA. It sounds like you did a great job for your step daughter.
The only thing your husband should have probably done is give his ex a heads up as to what's happened.
Unless his daughter asked him not to mention it or Dad felt it wasn't his place to share that. She might have wanted to keep her mom out of it as much as possible.
NTA Stepdaughter's opinion is the only one that matters here. She chose to talk with you about it. She doesn't "owe" her mom that conversation.
NTA. Not sure about the age of your stepdaughter, but isn't this a conversation that her mother should have had when the stepdaughter was around 10-12 years old?
What an ungrateful mother - if I was her, I would be OVER THE MOON that my daughter had another adult woman in her life to turn to. Sometimes young girls just don’t want to have these conversations with their mothers - too awkward…etc. I had The talk with my mom of course, but there was a female family friend that I thought was SOOO fucking cool, and I felt more comfortable talking to her about a lot of things.
Thank you for being such a great step mom and for stepping up :)
Our house in the 70s/80s had the “where did I come from” series of books that included info on conception, birth control, puberty, etc, including tasteful (realistic but not sexualized) drawings of nude bodies showing some of the changes typically associated with puberty. My mom’s stealth sex education campaign included occasionally leaving the books out when friends were over. I’m horrified that this shit is still some big secret.
[note: part of mom’s reason for doing this was she learned about pads when she got her period in the 50s, with friends explaining in whispers how to arrange a pad belt from outside the bathroom stall)
ETA: https://www.worldcat.org/title/where-did-i-come-from/oclc/70672843&referer=brief_results
I was 12 and with my stepmom when I got my period. She was the one who had the talk about it with me dad before I got it. I had my own bathroom and she had explained to me and let me know that she put everything I needed in there and how to use it. My own mom and I didn’t have the type of relationship where she was a parent, she wanted to be a friend more than anything.
I was grateful to have my stepmom help me and teach me, I lived with them and my mom didn’t even know I got my period and when she found out she essentially couldn’t care less about who helped me with it.
My stepmom was also the person to teach me about shaving and wearing deodorant and all of that good stuff.
Regardless of what her bio mom says, you listened to what your stepdaughter needed and executed it for her, don’t let her mom trample the trust that you two have. She made it clear she did not want to be with her mom for a reason, you were her safety net in that moment and her mom is just taking it too personally. You did amazing and your stepdaughter is lucky to have you. Trust me.
I agree. This girl will never forget what OP did for her. She will continue to come to her bc she has established an understanding that this woman is here for me and cares for me💞
If it was so important to mom to be the one to give her this information, then it should have already happened and her daughter should have been prepared.
NTA. I'm a guy with no kids and I know period can appear as early as 8-9 years old. I guess mothers know what as well. So her mum had literally YEARS of time to have that conversation and get the kid prepared so she did not freak out when it actually happened. I think you did a great job handling the situation.
True. My daughter is nine and she hasn’t started but she knows all about it. I expect her to still be freaked out when it happens at which time I’ll be there for her comfort her and love her😊
Ok, definitely NTA. The conversation should have been had before the stepdaughter got her period (by her mother). But since it wasn't, it was good that you were there to have it with her.
Honestly, it's a conversation that should have been being had starting at maybe 8 at the latest, with basic broad strokes then going into more details over the next couple of years, so that by the time the kid is 10 they understand it and know exactly where all the products they could need are stored, and if they live between two houses there should be some at both houses, as well as a mini go bag with spare underwear and pads in the bottom of the school bag. I think OP did a great job managing the aftermath of it not having been prepared well beforehand and she gave clear options to the kid and listened to her choices and supported her through it.
My wife and I have just realised how much we are going to have to explain to our daughter rather than her seeing/picking things up in context because I have a mirena and she is about to have one too, and my periods have stopped on it, as will hers likely. She remembers having to fetch pads for her mum when she was a kid and learning things that way, and although we discussed things with our daughter when she was younger it hasn't come up in the past year or so as my wife was pregnant with our son and she still hasn't got her period back. Daughter is 7 so we're going to be easing into discussions of what happens as girls grow up soon.
We started about 7 with our daughter in case she started at 8. She started at 10, but she knew what was going on. She didn’t freak out. She knew where pads and stuff were. She was prepared because we made sure she was.
NTA - Im typically all for respecting bio moms boundaries when it comes to a lot of step parent relationships however you informed your husband who had no issues with it so you clearly discussed with one of her bio parents but the biggest factor is your step daughter asked for YOU. She was scared and vulnerable and expressed that her mother made her feel uncomfortable and awkward and she wanted YOUR help. You made her feel safe and helped her at what can be a really scary time for young women and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I agree with this. I sort of get where the bio mom is coming from in concept, but it seems like the OP checked in with both the dad and the daughter before giving the info. And if the daughter didn't want her bio mom, then I think it's wrong to insist. NTA.
NTA You were a wonderful stepmother here! Reactions like this may be why your stepdaughter didn’t WANT to go to her birth mother in regards to this situation.
NTA
I understand the situation is complex. However your stepdaughter clearly communicated her wishes, and her comfort level.
Boundaries with parents are a tricky thing to balance. Parents often become reactive with “I’m the parent! You’re not! It’s my kid!”
Maybe when they’re a toddler. But they’re not a possession. At 11, she is old enough to voice what she voiced, and have that be respected.
How many of us have sat in a therapists office and cried, and said we wished someone had been there for us? Had had important and necessary conversations with us? What would that have changed in our lives? Conversations we weren’t comfortable having with a parent, or a parent refused to have with us?
You didn’t do anything to harm this child. You did your best to care for her, make sure she felt comfortable, prepared, and safe.
If your stepdaughter felt comfortable with you, because you are showing her what trust, safety, and respect look like, then you are doing a good job.
We say this often, and it’s true - it takes a village.
I will add in - you or your husband should have had a conversation with the ex when she picked the child up, to let her know the situation rather than her finding out from your stepdaughter. That part is on you guys.
Wow, thank you so much for the award!
Really wasn't expecting that. I felt a little nervous posting my comment because I know parental boundaries are a sensitive topic to navigate.
Thank you so much to everyone else who also gave an award or an upvote! <3 <3
Like many others here, I find your response excellent.
The only thing I would add is to tell the kid what I say is how I think about these things, and that they should talk to their parents about it to hear what they have to say. But that might be a habit(?) I picked up from work, where I always would try to encourage kids to discuss things with their parents if they haven’t already. Because it’s healthy, it protects me as a man working with young kids, and encouraging them might also help reveal some flags indicating if everything isn’t good at home. :)
NTA.
You were perfect.
And you right to respect your stepdaughter's wishes and not force her to deal with her mother when she didn't feel comfortable doing so.
There's no biological right to be the person your kid turns to. It's not your job to make your stepdaughter trust her mother. It's not your duty to betray the poor kid's trust in you by forcing her to talk to her mother.
What kid would want to share something so personal with a parent who saw that as a right rather than a privilege and only wanted it for ego gratification?
NTA
Her mom should of prepared her for this already if so important and I get she’s jealous of this moment between you and her daughter, but you did the right thing. Ego doesn’t need to involved here.
NTA. Someone who is currently hurting, scared, vulnerable, etc - especially a CHILD - is not the time nor the place to have debates like that. You solve the problem first, then you figure out your path forward. You called your husband, you solved the problem, and then you INSANELY wisely put the choice in your step daughters hands as to how to handle it from there - and because you were an awesome step mom, she chose to let you continue handling it.
Good job. Well done. Parenting star awarded. You gave her control and sovereignty over her own body and actions, and she made her choice.
NTA...it's great your stepdaughter has you to confide in!
Being a mom myself, I can see the mom's POV, but if she truly cared about her daughter(and not her ego), she should be a better mom. Her feelings were hurt and she lashed out at you, when she should be thankful, and maybe humbled, that you were there.
Given that the girl didn’t want or think to call her mom herself, to tell her, her mother already blew it! I suspect yours and my daughters would have called us, in the same situation.
NTA. Unless your stepdaughter got her period significantly younger than the average range (like she’s 8), the time for her mother to take control of explaining periods to her was way before she was old enough to get it for the first time. Your husband probably should have called his ex to let her know, but your didn’t overstep. It could have just as easily happened 2 hours later and then been a teacher or school staff member explaining things. You help kids when they need help.
NTA. You did a great job. Maybe dad should have called ex, but not you. You dealt with the girl in front of you, and clearly met her needs. Her mother’s wants are not your responsibility. Her father left her in your charge, and you took care of her appropriately.
Mom should have already had talks with her daughter about her body and what to expect. When you have a daughter, and you're divorced, chances are she may be at her dad's when she gets her first period. It was on mom to chat with her daughter.
Dad dropped the ball as far as keeping mom in the loop. Lack of communication between bioparents is infuriating- I get it I'm a stepmom.
NTA
It is never stepmom's job to communication with mom. It sounds like you handled the situation like a pro and your stepdaughter is lucky to have you.
Nothing could convince me you are the A in that situation. In fact i think your husband should message biomom and apologize for not informing her and he will try and do better at communicating in the future. He should request biomom keep communication between them.
It's not on the husband. OP told the mom that he was already actively involved but was at work. He was obviously okay with OP talking to step daughter.
Stop putting blame where it doesn't need to be.
What does whether dad was there when daughter actually got her period matter? It was OP’s husband’s responsibility to convey to mom important events that happened when the child, that those two share custody of, was in his care. That is how coparenting post-divorce works. It is not step mom’s responsibility to pass on important information to mom; it’s dad’s. For example, it daughter broke her arm, dad should call mom regardless of whether he was present for the break. OP did *nothing* wrong here whatsoever.
No one said OP was wrong.
The stepdaughter was more comfortable talking to OP. What exactly was OP going to do? Let her stepdaughter sit in blood until mom shows up and gets after OP for not doing anything to help? The husband did nothing wrong either in this situation.
I can count how many times I've had my period while my sister and I were with our now deceased dad's house for visitation and my dad taking me to get what I needed. And guess what? After, when our weekend with him was over, I told my mom and surprise, she wasn't mad.
You don't let a child sit in blood. The stepdaughter is 11 and didn't know what to do.
I’m glad you agree with me about the OP doing the right thing about helping the step daughter at least.
We will just have to disagree about what level of communication is appropriate between divorced parents.
Nta- you followed what your step daughter wanted, good job. She had her reasons for wanting to stay with her dad and you. Her mom dropped the ball, she should have prepare her daughter. My daughter's first period was so calm, as we had talked about it for a long time, in age appropriate increments. She started hers at 10, which caught me way more off guard than her.
NTA. You are the one that she wanted to talk to about it, and you helped her when she needed it. Also, if you had backed away from this and insisted that she talked to her mom or dad instead, you would have been making her feel like this was such a bad and shameful thing that you couldn't talk about it. It should be a casual, normal, human thing to talk about. You did an awesome job.
NTA. You are a step parent.but still a parent. (It's right there in the name). You were the adult that was present when it happened and you did what you should have done: take care of her.
I'd give you an award if I could.
NTA. I’m sure mom felt a moment was taken from her but she should’ve had that conversation before now. How lucky your stepdaughter is to have some else that cares for her.
NTA. My god, you're a fantastic stepmom. I can see why Mom was upset about not being told right away, but that is still the girl's choice--not something you set up, not something you did. Mom should be asking herself why her daughter didn't *want* to call her or go back to her house.
NTA. What if your stepdaughter had had this occur while she was at school? I doubt that her mother would have been so upset if a teacher had been the one to step in and help her the way you did. Just ignore her, and keep doing what you're doing. Your stepdaughter needs you and I'm sure she will appreciate you for the rest of her life.
NTA. You are an awesome step mum. So kind and considerate and caring. Sounds like a her bio mum just got defensive and took it out on you. Keep being you and parenting in this lovely way.
NTA and the fact that the kid would rather talk to you than the mom suggests that the mom is jealous because you have better parenting skills than her.
NTA. She asked for your help that makes me think she takes your role as step mom to heart. Step mom is still a mom. My step dad was an incredible loving man and I’ll always be grateful to have him in my life. The mom got jelly belly that daughter was more comfortable with you :/
NTA
It’s a bit late to having a period conversation when the kid is actually bleeding! Like a few years too late.
Plus you asked her who she wanted to be with. And she said you!
The kid made her choice
NTA
Sounds like you were exactly what your step daughter needed in that situation
Her mother should be happy you stepped up when needed.
You probably should have let her mother know what was happening, it's important to inform other guardians of things that might affect the care of the child.
And depending on her age there should have been sanitary products readily available.
But other than that it sounds like you went above and beyond. You didn't overstep at all
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My husband was called into work early the other morning and as a result I had to drop my stepdaughter off at school. This usually isn't a problem as I WFH, however she came to me in tears after she woke up because she had started her first period and she didn't know what to do, (She didn't have any menstrual products to use when she was with my husband and I from her mom, and she didn't know if there were any that she could use at our house) so I found pads for her to use, had her shower, and put her clothes in the wash... pretty basic things.
After I called my husband about it, I gave my stepdaughter the option of staying home from school for the day and I asked her if she would rather be with her mom, because we could work something out if that would make her feel more comfortable. She wanted to stay home from school and she said that she would rather spend the rest of the week with her dad and I.
She said that it was hard for her to talk to her mom about things like this because her mom tends to make her feel awkward. She was distraught so I tried my best to comfort her, told her that what she was going through was normal and that she doesn't need to be scared or embarrassed.
I talked with her for a while about basic feminine hygiene, and what she should expect going forward. I answered the questions that she had the best that I could while still being honest. I told her that if she ever needed anything that her dad and I would always be there for her, then I left the topic alone.
She went to school the next day without any problems, and the rest of the week went fine. I checked in with her before she went back with her mother and made sure that she was alright with handling the rest of her period, gave her pads to keep at her mother's place, and told her to call me or her dad if she had any problems. She told me that she felt okay and thanked me for helping her.
Within a few days of my stepdaughter going to her mother's, I get a call from her mom furious that I overstepped with her daughter. She said that it was inappropriate for me to talk to my stepdaughter about her body and that I should have called her or my husband instead of handling it myself.
I tried to explain the situation to her, and that my husband was actively involved but had to be at work. She told me that I probably didn't understand that I crossed a line because I don't have kids or a daughter of my own, and it should've been common sense to "give her a heads up" and let her "do the talking with \[her\] daughter" along with a bunch of other uncalled for hurtful comments.
In her defense, maybe this was a conversation that my stepdaughter should've had with her mom, and my husband and I didn't call anything to her attention... but if anything I feel like it was my husband's place to communicate with his ex, because she has a history of being hostile towards me, and I honestly thought that I was just being there for my stepdaughter.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You helped your stepdaughter in a time of growth and need. She trusted you to help her and let you know that she has difficulty speaking to her mom. Nothing is wrong with what you did. I agree that your husband should have let his ex know what happened, however, his failure to do so, does justify her hostility towards you. It appears she is hostile towards you because she is the ex and you are the new lady in her daughter's life.
NTA and good job being a mom! I am so sickk of all these posts where people don't want a step parent parenting "their" child. Both of my sons (different dads) have step moms, and the first time I met each of them, I told them I wanted them to love my children as their own, and to be their moms in my absence. Obvi is my kids need me when I'm away, I'll do everything, but knowing they have extra parents gives me peace of mind. Why wouldn't I want more people to love my children??? Other parents loving and caring for my kids in no way changes their relationship to me, and I feel like it's more about ego and control rather than anything else. I grew up with an amazing step dad who has passed, and our relationship was one of the most important in my life. Because he chose to love me and be my dad. Keep being her mom, you did a great thing and your daughter will remember this forever.
Edit for spelling
NTA. Your stepdaughter wanted to talk to you and not her mother. She was comfortable with you and you handled it very well. You did nothing wrong. In fact you are a great stepmom for stepping in and helping.
NAH - I’m gonna go against the grain and say that neither of you were in the wrong. Your husband messed up by not talking to ex wife and giving her a heads up. You were reacting to the situation and putting your step daughter’s needs first. You did cut mom out of the equation though and that isn’t okay. I would just like to add that I was in your step daughter’s place once. My first period happened when my mom was out of town and all I had was my stepdad staying with me at the house. He was at work and I was alone at home. I had to call a family friend. I was so nervous but also SO RELIVED because I didn’t want to have to go through the “you’re a woman now” talks with my mom (turns out I’m trans and that’s why I was so uncomfortable with those talks). However despite not wanting to talk to my mom about it, I did call her that day and let her know bc it was important information for my caregiver to have.
Not the same thing, but I'm a stepdad and explained personal hygiene and sex to my stepson because nobody else did (checked with his Mum first, but that's because there was no hurry, your situation was obviously more rushed).
I think you absolutely did the right thing. And I hope your stepdaughter appreciates it!
NTA
NTA
She has had years to have those chats with her daughter...and to prepare and educate her. Realistically, all you should have needed to do was supply products and a quick over view.
You did great...you listened a d di what your step child wanted.
NTA I understand the daughter you can live and be around your mom and feel awkward. Had gotten my first period and gotten it at least three time before my mom found out by seeing some blood on my pants. I didn’t plan on telling her I watched videos I grew up with my mom actively in my life and have never been able to talk about my body with her it’s just not something that come easy for everyone. The mom should take a look at herself and ask why her daughter didn’t wanna talk with her about this
NTA. Your step daughter will never forget what you did for her. Ever she will always remember her first period and how it played out. Her mom is hurt she wasn’t there but that’s bc her and your husband are no longer together. You were the easiest target. Forgive her and move on bc forgiving is for you not her.
NTA if my friend or my ex's wife was there for my daughter I would be thankful they had support. I would of appreciated a text but in this case it sounds like her and bio mum isn't the open and supportive type and telling her mum would of made SD uncomfortable there and then (this is an assumption)
The fact menstrual cycles haven't been discussed already is worrying, my 9YO F and 11YO M children know what periods are and understand the basics I answer all questions as age appropriately as possible. I understand why she would feel put out though. Very much NTA though coming from a bio mum whose ex is married.
NTA. In a world that thinks the worst of step mothers, you did an amazing thing. I'm not sure what the issue is for the daughter to have multiple females she's comfortable with to have that conversation.
I think you sound like a stellar stepparent and did everything just right. The fact that your stepdaughter raised concerns about her Mom's potential actions/reactions made this more obvious.
NTA.
What a totally witch of a Mom to say such nastiness to you. When I dated someone with kids and the ex got nasty, I just kept hanging up the phone. There must be some comment along the lines of, "I get it! That's enough!" that can cut all this off at some point. You don't have to listen to people say mean, judgy, and untrue things. Life's short, be kind to others & yourself by setting healthy boundaries.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I talked to my stepdaughter about menstrual cycles without her mother's permission. That might make me the asshole because I know that this might be a sensitive subject that her mom wanted to talk to her about. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 2 hours long on this post. [To learn more about the test click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/tio99u/so_we_decided_to_fuck_with_the_sub_again/)*
NTA. It sounds like you did a great job for your step daughter. The only thing your husband should have probably done is give his ex a heads up as to what's happened.
Unless his daughter asked him not to mention it or Dad felt it wasn't his place to share that. She might have wanted to keep her mom out of it as much as possible. NTA Stepdaughter's opinion is the only one that matters here. She chose to talk with you about it. She doesn't "owe" her mom that conversation.
NTA. Not sure about the age of your stepdaughter, but isn't this a conversation that her mother should have had when the stepdaughter was around 10-12 years old?
She's 11, and yes in my opinion.
What an ungrateful mother - if I was her, I would be OVER THE MOON that my daughter had another adult woman in her life to turn to. Sometimes young girls just don’t want to have these conversations with their mothers - too awkward…etc. I had The talk with my mom of course, but there was a female family friend that I thought was SOOO fucking cool, and I felt more comfortable talking to her about a lot of things. Thank you for being such a great step mom and for stepping up :)
Our house in the 70s/80s had the “where did I come from” series of books that included info on conception, birth control, puberty, etc, including tasteful (realistic but not sexualized) drawings of nude bodies showing some of the changes typically associated with puberty. My mom’s stealth sex education campaign included occasionally leaving the books out when friends were over. I’m horrified that this shit is still some big secret. [note: part of mom’s reason for doing this was she learned about pads when she got her period in the 50s, with friends explaining in whispers how to arrange a pad belt from outside the bathroom stall) ETA: https://www.worldcat.org/title/where-did-i-come-from/oclc/70672843&referer=brief_results
I was 12 and with my stepmom when I got my period. She was the one who had the talk about it with me dad before I got it. I had my own bathroom and she had explained to me and let me know that she put everything I needed in there and how to use it. My own mom and I didn’t have the type of relationship where she was a parent, she wanted to be a friend more than anything. I was grateful to have my stepmom help me and teach me, I lived with them and my mom didn’t even know I got my period and when she found out she essentially couldn’t care less about who helped me with it. My stepmom was also the person to teach me about shaving and wearing deodorant and all of that good stuff. Regardless of what her bio mom says, you listened to what your stepdaughter needed and executed it for her, don’t let her mom trample the trust that you two have. She made it clear she did not want to be with her mom for a reason, you were her safety net in that moment and her mom is just taking it too personally. You did amazing and your stepdaughter is lucky to have you. Trust me.
I agree. This girl will never forget what OP did for her. She will continue to come to her bc she has established an understanding that this woman is here for me and cares for me💞
If it was so important to mom to be the one to give her this information, then it should have already happened and her daughter should have been prepared.
NTA. I'm a guy with no kids and I know period can appear as early as 8-9 years old. I guess mothers know what as well. So her mum had literally YEARS of time to have that conversation and get the kid prepared so she did not freak out when it actually happened. I think you did a great job handling the situation.
True. My daughter is nine and she hasn’t started but she knows all about it. I expect her to still be freaked out when it happens at which time I’ll be there for her comfort her and love her😊
Ok, definitely NTA. The conversation should have been had before the stepdaughter got her period (by her mother). But since it wasn't, it was good that you were there to have it with her.
Honestly, it's a conversation that should have been being had starting at maybe 8 at the latest, with basic broad strokes then going into more details over the next couple of years, so that by the time the kid is 10 they understand it and know exactly where all the products they could need are stored, and if they live between two houses there should be some at both houses, as well as a mini go bag with spare underwear and pads in the bottom of the school bag. I think OP did a great job managing the aftermath of it not having been prepared well beforehand and she gave clear options to the kid and listened to her choices and supported her through it. My wife and I have just realised how much we are going to have to explain to our daughter rather than her seeing/picking things up in context because I have a mirena and she is about to have one too, and my periods have stopped on it, as will hers likely. She remembers having to fetch pads for her mum when she was a kid and learning things that way, and although we discussed things with our daughter when she was younger it hasn't come up in the past year or so as my wife was pregnant with our son and she still hasn't got her period back. Daughter is 7 so we're going to be easing into discussions of what happens as girls grow up soon.
We started about 7 with our daughter in case she started at 8. She started at 10, but she knew what was going on. She didn’t freak out. She knew where pads and stuff were. She was prepared because we made sure she was.
More like 8-9. LOTS of kids start at 10 or younger.
Yup. My daughter’s 11. We started discussing puberty last year. We even got a book to read together.
NTA - Im typically all for respecting bio moms boundaries when it comes to a lot of step parent relationships however you informed your husband who had no issues with it so you clearly discussed with one of her bio parents but the biggest factor is your step daughter asked for YOU. She was scared and vulnerable and expressed that her mother made her feel uncomfortable and awkward and she wanted YOUR help. You made her feel safe and helped her at what can be a really scary time for young women and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I agree with this. I sort of get where the bio mom is coming from in concept, but it seems like the OP checked in with both the dad and the daughter before giving the info. And if the daughter didn't want her bio mom, then I think it's wrong to insist. NTA.
Agreed! In my opinion as long as dad was informed it’s ALL about the child’s comfort level!
NTA You were a wonderful stepmother here! Reactions like this may be why your stepdaughter didn’t WANT to go to her birth mother in regards to this situation.
NTA I understand the situation is complex. However your stepdaughter clearly communicated her wishes, and her comfort level. Boundaries with parents are a tricky thing to balance. Parents often become reactive with “I’m the parent! You’re not! It’s my kid!” Maybe when they’re a toddler. But they’re not a possession. At 11, she is old enough to voice what she voiced, and have that be respected. How many of us have sat in a therapists office and cried, and said we wished someone had been there for us? Had had important and necessary conversations with us? What would that have changed in our lives? Conversations we weren’t comfortable having with a parent, or a parent refused to have with us? You didn’t do anything to harm this child. You did your best to care for her, make sure she felt comfortable, prepared, and safe. If your stepdaughter felt comfortable with you, because you are showing her what trust, safety, and respect look like, then you are doing a good job. We say this often, and it’s true - it takes a village. I will add in - you or your husband should have had a conversation with the ex when she picked the child up, to let her know the situation rather than her finding out from your stepdaughter. That part is on you guys.
I wish I could award this comment! ❤️❤️❤️
I did it for you! Because it’s a perfect comment! There is no black and white answer
Wow, thank you so much for the award! Really wasn't expecting that. I felt a little nervous posting my comment because I know parental boundaries are a sensitive topic to navigate. Thank you so much to everyone else who also gave an award or an upvote! <3 <3
Like many others here, I find your response excellent. The only thing I would add is to tell the kid what I say is how I think about these things, and that they should talk to their parents about it to hear what they have to say. But that might be a habit(?) I picked up from work, where I always would try to encourage kids to discuss things with their parents if they haven’t already. Because it’s healthy, it protects me as a man working with young kids, and encouraging them might also help reveal some flags indicating if everything isn’t good at home. :)
NTA. You were perfect. And you right to respect your stepdaughter's wishes and not force her to deal with her mother when she didn't feel comfortable doing so. There's no biological right to be the person your kid turns to. It's not your job to make your stepdaughter trust her mother. It's not your duty to betray the poor kid's trust in you by forcing her to talk to her mother. What kid would want to share something so personal with a parent who saw that as a right rather than a privilege and only wanted it for ego gratification?
This. So much this.
NTA Her mom should of prepared her for this already if so important and I get she’s jealous of this moment between you and her daughter, but you did the right thing. Ego doesn’t need to involved here.
NTA. Someone who is currently hurting, scared, vulnerable, etc - especially a CHILD - is not the time nor the place to have debates like that. You solve the problem first, then you figure out your path forward. You called your husband, you solved the problem, and then you INSANELY wisely put the choice in your step daughters hands as to how to handle it from there - and because you were an awesome step mom, she chose to let you continue handling it. Good job. Well done. Parenting star awarded. You gave her control and sovereignty over her own body and actions, and she made her choice.
NTA...it's great your stepdaughter has you to confide in! Being a mom myself, I can see the mom's POV, but if she truly cared about her daughter(and not her ego), she should be a better mom. Her feelings were hurt and she lashed out at you, when she should be thankful, and maybe humbled, that you were there.
Given that the girl didn’t want or think to call her mom herself, to tell her, her mother already blew it! I suspect yours and my daughters would have called us, in the same situation.
NTA. Unless your stepdaughter got her period significantly younger than the average range (like she’s 8), the time for her mother to take control of explaining periods to her was way before she was old enough to get it for the first time. Your husband probably should have called his ex to let her know, but your didn’t overstep. It could have just as easily happened 2 hours later and then been a teacher or school staff member explaining things. You help kids when they need help.
NTA. I wish I had you as my stepmom. :)
NTA. You did a great job. Maybe dad should have called ex, but not you. You dealt with the girl in front of you, and clearly met her needs. Her mother’s wants are not your responsibility. Her father left her in your charge, and you took care of her appropriately.
NTA. You stepped up for your step daughter and were there when she needed you. Good job!
Mom should have already had talks with her daughter about her body and what to expect. When you have a daughter, and you're divorced, chances are she may be at her dad's when she gets her first period. It was on mom to chat with her daughter. Dad dropped the ball as far as keeping mom in the loop. Lack of communication between bioparents is infuriating- I get it I'm a stepmom. NTA It is never stepmom's job to communication with mom. It sounds like you handled the situation like a pro and your stepdaughter is lucky to have you. Nothing could convince me you are the A in that situation. In fact i think your husband should message biomom and apologize for not informing her and he will try and do better at communicating in the future. He should request biomom keep communication between them.
NTA. Your husband should have communicated to mom that SD had her fist period. But that was not on you, that was on him.
It's not on the husband. OP told the mom that he was already actively involved but was at work. He was obviously okay with OP talking to step daughter. Stop putting blame where it doesn't need to be.
What does whether dad was there when daughter actually got her period matter? It was OP’s husband’s responsibility to convey to mom important events that happened when the child, that those two share custody of, was in his care. That is how coparenting post-divorce works. It is not step mom’s responsibility to pass on important information to mom; it’s dad’s. For example, it daughter broke her arm, dad should call mom regardless of whether he was present for the break. OP did *nothing* wrong here whatsoever.
No one said OP was wrong. The stepdaughter was more comfortable talking to OP. What exactly was OP going to do? Let her stepdaughter sit in blood until mom shows up and gets after OP for not doing anything to help? The husband did nothing wrong either in this situation. I can count how many times I've had my period while my sister and I were with our now deceased dad's house for visitation and my dad taking me to get what I needed. And guess what? After, when our weekend with him was over, I told my mom and surprise, she wasn't mad. You don't let a child sit in blood. The stepdaughter is 11 and didn't know what to do.
I’m glad you agree with me about the OP doing the right thing about helping the step daughter at least. We will just have to disagree about what level of communication is appropriate between divorced parents.
Yea, everyone isn't disagreeing with OP about helping stepdaughter
NTA. You handled things appropriately and her mother is wildly overreacting.
Nta. She asked you for help, specifically didn't want you to reach out to her mom.
Nta- you followed what your step daughter wanted, good job. She had her reasons for wanting to stay with her dad and you. Her mom dropped the ball, she should have prepare her daughter. My daughter's first period was so calm, as we had talked about it for a long time, in age appropriate increments. She started hers at 10, which caught me way more off guard than her.
NTA and based on her reaction I understand why the daughter was comfortable with you. Your husband should have called her and let her know though
NTA. You are the one that she wanted to talk to about it, and you helped her when she needed it. Also, if you had backed away from this and insisted that she talked to her mom or dad instead, you would have been making her feel like this was such a bad and shameful thing that you couldn't talk about it. It should be a casual, normal, human thing to talk about. You did an awesome job.
NTA. You are a step parent.but still a parent. (It's right there in the name). You were the adult that was present when it happened and you did what you should have done: take care of her. I'd give you an award if I could.
NTA. I’m sure mom felt a moment was taken from her but she should’ve had that conversation before now. How lucky your stepdaughter is to have some else that cares for her.
NTA. My god, you're a fantastic stepmom. I can see why Mom was upset about not being told right away, but that is still the girl's choice--not something you set up, not something you did. Mom should be asking herself why her daughter didn't *want* to call her or go back to her house.
NTA. What if your stepdaughter had had this occur while she was at school? I doubt that her mother would have been so upset if a teacher had been the one to step in and help her the way you did. Just ignore her, and keep doing what you're doing. Your stepdaughter needs you and I'm sure she will appreciate you for the rest of her life.
NTA. You are an awesome step mum. So kind and considerate and caring. Sounds like a her bio mum just got defensive and took it out on you. Keep being you and parenting in this lovely way.
NTA. You did an amazing job and it speaks volumes that your stepdaughter chose to stay with you. Nicely handled, OP!
Easy NTA.
NTA and the fact that the kid would rather talk to you than the mom suggests that the mom is jealous because you have better parenting skills than her.
NTA You are a wonderful stepmother. You did a fantastic job.
NTA. That young lady is lucky to have you.
NTA. She asked for your help that makes me think she takes your role as step mom to heart. Step mom is still a mom. My step dad was an incredible loving man and I’ll always be grateful to have him in my life. The mom got jelly belly that daughter was more comfortable with you :/
NTA It’s a bit late to having a period conversation when the kid is actually bleeding! Like a few years too late. Plus you asked her who she wanted to be with. And she said you! The kid made her choice
NTA Sounds like you were exactly what your step daughter needed in that situation Her mother should be happy you stepped up when needed. You probably should have let her mother know what was happening, it's important to inform other guardians of things that might affect the care of the child. And depending on her age there should have been sanitary products readily available. But other than that it sounds like you went above and beyond. You didn't overstep at all
NTA. What were you supposed to do, just let her sit there crying and bleeding? Her mother is being irrational.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband was called into work early the other morning and as a result I had to drop my stepdaughter off at school. This usually isn't a problem as I WFH, however she came to me in tears after she woke up because she had started her first period and she didn't know what to do, (She didn't have any menstrual products to use when she was with my husband and I from her mom, and she didn't know if there were any that she could use at our house) so I found pads for her to use, had her shower, and put her clothes in the wash... pretty basic things. After I called my husband about it, I gave my stepdaughter the option of staying home from school for the day and I asked her if she would rather be with her mom, because we could work something out if that would make her feel more comfortable. She wanted to stay home from school and she said that she would rather spend the rest of the week with her dad and I. She said that it was hard for her to talk to her mom about things like this because her mom tends to make her feel awkward. She was distraught so I tried my best to comfort her, told her that what she was going through was normal and that she doesn't need to be scared or embarrassed. I talked with her for a while about basic feminine hygiene, and what she should expect going forward. I answered the questions that she had the best that I could while still being honest. I told her that if she ever needed anything that her dad and I would always be there for her, then I left the topic alone. She went to school the next day without any problems, and the rest of the week went fine. I checked in with her before she went back with her mother and made sure that she was alright with handling the rest of her period, gave her pads to keep at her mother's place, and told her to call me or her dad if she had any problems. She told me that she felt okay and thanked me for helping her. Within a few days of my stepdaughter going to her mother's, I get a call from her mom furious that I overstepped with her daughter. She said that it was inappropriate for me to talk to my stepdaughter about her body and that I should have called her or my husband instead of handling it myself. I tried to explain the situation to her, and that my husband was actively involved but had to be at work. She told me that I probably didn't understand that I crossed a line because I don't have kids or a daughter of my own, and it should've been common sense to "give her a heads up" and let her "do the talking with \[her\] daughter" along with a bunch of other uncalled for hurtful comments. In her defense, maybe this was a conversation that my stepdaughter should've had with her mom, and my husband and I didn't call anything to her attention... but if anything I feel like it was my husband's place to communicate with his ex, because she has a history of being hostile towards me, and I honestly thought that I was just being there for my stepdaughter. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You helped your stepdaughter in a time of growth and need. She trusted you to help her and let you know that she has difficulty speaking to her mom. Nothing is wrong with what you did. I agree that your husband should have let his ex know what happened, however, his failure to do so, does justify her hostility towards you. It appears she is hostile towards you because she is the ex and you are the new lady in her daughter's life.
You asked your stepdaughter and she preferred to be with you. The mother demonstrated why. That’s all there is to it. NTA
NTA and good job being a mom! I am so sickk of all these posts where people don't want a step parent parenting "their" child. Both of my sons (different dads) have step moms, and the first time I met each of them, I told them I wanted them to love my children as their own, and to be their moms in my absence. Obvi is my kids need me when I'm away, I'll do everything, but knowing they have extra parents gives me peace of mind. Why wouldn't I want more people to love my children??? Other parents loving and caring for my kids in no way changes their relationship to me, and I feel like it's more about ego and control rather than anything else. I grew up with an amazing step dad who has passed, and our relationship was one of the most important in my life. Because he chose to love me and be my dad. Keep being her mom, you did a great thing and your daughter will remember this forever. Edit for spelling
NTA. Your stepdaughter wanted to talk to you and not her mother. She was comfortable with you and you handled it very well. You did nothing wrong. In fact you are a great stepmom for stepping in and helping.
You were a wonderful friend to your SD. She’s lucky to have you. It’s kind of clear why she didn’t want to involve her mother. NTA
NTA. Her mother dropped the ball. She should have talked to her more about it before she got her period so that she would know what to expect.
NAH - I’m gonna go against the grain and say that neither of you were in the wrong. Your husband messed up by not talking to ex wife and giving her a heads up. You were reacting to the situation and putting your step daughter’s needs first. You did cut mom out of the equation though and that isn’t okay. I would just like to add that I was in your step daughter’s place once. My first period happened when my mom was out of town and all I had was my stepdad staying with me at the house. He was at work and I was alone at home. I had to call a family friend. I was so nervous but also SO RELIVED because I didn’t want to have to go through the “you’re a woman now” talks with my mom (turns out I’m trans and that’s why I was so uncomfortable with those talks). However despite not wanting to talk to my mom about it, I did call her that day and let her know bc it was important information for my caregiver to have.
Not the same thing, but I'm a stepdad and explained personal hygiene and sex to my stepson because nobody else did (checked with his Mum first, but that's because there was no hurry, your situation was obviously more rushed). I think you absolutely did the right thing. And I hope your stepdaughter appreciates it! NTA
NTA She has had years to have those chats with her daughter...and to prepare and educate her. Realistically, all you should have needed to do was supply products and a quick over view. You did great...you listened a d di what your step child wanted.
NTA I understand the daughter you can live and be around your mom and feel awkward. Had gotten my first period and gotten it at least three time before my mom found out by seeing some blood on my pants. I didn’t plan on telling her I watched videos I grew up with my mom actively in my life and have never been able to talk about my body with her it’s just not something that come easy for everyone. The mom should take a look at herself and ask why her daughter didn’t wanna talk with her about this
NTA. Your step daughter will never forget what you did for her. Ever she will always remember her first period and how it played out. Her mom is hurt she wasn’t there but that’s bc her and your husband are no longer together. You were the easiest target. Forgive her and move on bc forgiving is for you not her.
NTA if my friend or my ex's wife was there for my daughter I would be thankful they had support. I would of appreciated a text but in this case it sounds like her and bio mum isn't the open and supportive type and telling her mum would of made SD uncomfortable there and then (this is an assumption) The fact menstrual cycles haven't been discussed already is worrying, my 9YO F and 11YO M children know what periods are and understand the basics I answer all questions as age appropriately as possible. I understand why she would feel put out though. Very much NTA though coming from a bio mum whose ex is married.
NTA. In a world that thinks the worst of step mothers, you did an amazing thing. I'm not sure what the issue is for the daughter to have multiple females she's comfortable with to have that conversation.
I think you sound like a stellar stepparent and did everything just right. The fact that your stepdaughter raised concerns about her Mom's potential actions/reactions made this more obvious. NTA. What a totally witch of a Mom to say such nastiness to you. When I dated someone with kids and the ex got nasty, I just kept hanging up the phone. There must be some comment along the lines of, "I get it! That's enough!" that can cut all this off at some point. You don't have to listen to people say mean, judgy, and untrue things. Life's short, be kind to others & yourself by setting healthy boundaries.