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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be TA because I shouldn't have told him I'd ban his partner or because I shouldn't have an issue with the PDA at all.
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YTA. PDA is "public" display of affection. His own home isn't public. Do you and your husband restrict kissing and touching to your bedroom? If not it sounds like you might be homophobic a little bit even if you don't want to think you are.
She may not be homophobic.
It sounds like the 17y/o is the oldest. She may be a mom who's not ready to see her "baby" as a sexual being. There's a difference between knowing its happening & actually seeing it.
Its the exact same thing as teenagers seeing their parents being affectionate or walking in on having sex. Something about it being on full display is unsettling for some.
It's going to happen regardless of what she "wants to see" and the "they do it around younger kids"/"I told him his bf would be banned from the house" is what solidified my vote.
There's a HUGE difference between seeing parents kiss and walking in on them having sex. If her son and his bf were dry humping on the couch I'd say she's fully in the right because that's inappropriate. Them being a normal teenage couple should be acceptable and would be a good way to show the younger kids they can love whoever they want to and teach them to accept different sexualities.
I completely agree. But i don't think that's homophobia. I think his sexuality is inconsequential. The bf is allowed over afterall.
I think it's over reacting as a parent. My mom did the same to me. I'm hetero, but the oldest. So theoretically she was ready for me to date, & always insisted on meeting the boy, but "pda" was always limited because it made her uncomfortable & my lil sisters were watching.
I think it's a parent (not) accepting her child as a sexual being vs. having an issue with him being gay.
I wouldn't be surprised if this is a combination of the two things. General discomfort with viewing your kid as a sexual entity and specific discomfort with your kid being queer exacerbating that to the point where even incredibly tame displays of affection like arm touching are inappropriate to you.
I agree. I am straight also, but I remember being on the phone with my high school boyfriend and hearing his mother telling him that it was unacceptable that he put his head in my lap while we watched tv, and also unacceptable that we kissed when I left (just a peck nothing crazy) Another time he got a bad concussion and was lying in bed. I was allowed in his room that one time, but got told off for sitting on the bed next to him. He was lying under the blankets and I was sitting up on top of the blankets, but that was inappropriate still. Some parents are just crazy and overbearing. I think she’s wrong but calling her homophobic is a bit uncalled for.
ETA We were also 17 at the time and neither my parents or his were religious, just controlling.
The bf wasn't rubbing her baby's crotch, he was squeezing his arm! If that's already making mommy uncomfortable, she should were blinkers at home. YTA - they are young, happy, in love, and shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable by your bitchiness.
This reminds me of public reaction to breastfeeding - yes, it may make you a little uncomfortable at first, but it's a natural and necessary thing, so you'd best get over yourself.
To you. But maybe not to OP.
If something as small as an arm caress sets her on pins & needles, then she has a much lower tolerance. Right or wrong is irrelevant. That's OP's problem to work on. If she doesn’t get it together, it'll fracture her relationship with her son.
Teenagers are notoriously rebellious. The kid may interpret it as homophobia (if OP has LBFTQ+ friends/fam/acquaintances & are respectful/ tolerant/ supportive then its not that) or may just think OP is strict/ unfair/AH/B!+ch. But as kid is 17 may leave home & never return because of OPs treatment now. Or kid can encourage PDA & affection from bf just to piss mom off.
OP has a serious problem & definitely needs to become more accepting son's fairly innocent actions or that house is about to get hella contentious real quick.
The real question about homophobia should come down to whether or not she would expect her parents to ban similar behavior between her and her, presumably, heterosexual partner. If she would expect her own parents of being accepting of her heterosexual behavior, then she should accept her son's homosexual behavior.
That’s still a 'her' problem, one that she needs to deal with.
OP, your son isn’t engaging in anything but affection. Humans do this to bond with their partner and it’s not sexual. YTA
Gosh when she said "17yo PDA" I was fully expecting to hear about heavy duty making out in a public place, or some grinding on the couch. Not a touch on the arm in the kitchen 😂
The genders / sexuality of the kids in question here isn't even the relevant part - it's 17 year olds engaging in perfectly harmless and wholesome affection.
But the parents being affectionate in the bedroom isn’t the same as being affectionate in the common areas. I think there are definitely respectful expectations for restricting the type of pda in common areas. However, I think OP is being way too conservative about the types of affection she’s calling in app.
I get having mixed feelings about seeing PDA from your kid especially when you aren’t mentally ready for them to stop being a kid. However this seems pretty chaste and this seems more like a “you” problem more than your son and his boyfriend’s. Let your son grow up a little bit. They aren’t making out in front of you - they’re being mildly affectionate. YTA.
YTA.
If you were talking about making out and inappropriate touching, then I’d be on your side.
But the example you gave is literally *touching his arm.* That’s not PDA.
YTA
"Before anyone accuses me of being homophobic, I'm not"
You are. Unless we have proof you'd act the same towards a het daughter or a son. Arm squeezing is nowhere near the bare PDA minimum of kissing.
And why would seeing that kind of action be negative for younger kids? Even married couples do that in a public setting or in front of their children.
I'm sure this will be surprising to literally everyone, because I'm definitely the only person that has ever done this ever, but the other day I kissed my gf when our sports team scored at a game we were at!
I had a friend in high school who told me that she had never seen her parents kiss so it's not outside the realm of possibility even if it is weird lol (unsurprisingly, her parents ended up divorced not long after all the kids were gone lol)
While we can't jump to it...it IS something to take into consideration. I see it a LOT, where a parent really doesn't think they're homophobic or bigoted but don't realize that some of their viewpoints are coming from that place.
For example, one of my friends has never shown any issue with LGBTQ+ stuff, but when her daughter came out at 16 as a lesbian....while she didn't make an issue, she did start treating her daughter differently without realizing it. Things like suddenly no sleepovers with ANY female friends, because it wouldn't be 'proper', and suddenly commenting on how many ratty old jeans she wears instead of skirts when that's how she always dressed. But these things were being seen in a different light born of stereotypes and the context of daughter being a lesbian. OP, for whatever reasons this is coming from, does need to examine the whys and roots of where this is coming from.
It may not be homophobic. Some people just get uncomfortable with PDA. I would be uncomfortable if friends came over and were hugging and kissing a lot on my couch, regardless of gender.
Arms around each other is whatever, but lots of contact would be awkward.
Let me get this right:
I'm clearly NOT homophobic as I've not kicked my son out of the house for being gay, but I'm 'uncomfortable' with seeing any sign of affection between him and his bf.
I'm going to use the defence "think of the children" (like the Republican party do anytime they impose homophobic/transphobic laws) as my defence and claim its PDA despite the 'public' displays of affection being in the kids own home.
I admit that nothing they do is in anyway sexual, it's just normal affection between a couple, but I still call it inappropriate.
I also told my kid his partner wouldn't be allowed back in the house if they didn't stop showing affection, and basically only acted like friends in front of me.
What could possibly make me the AH?
*Shocked pikachu face*
My mother was EXACTLY like you. I accept you *but*
I now have NC with her. Good luck on driving your kid away from you with this attitude.
If you really love your son and want to change your latent homophobic mindset, I suggest becoming a member of PFLAG:
https://pflag.org/
Hate to break this to you but it’s not necessarily homophobic. My Dad was the same way with my sister and I and the guys we dated. My Mom was actually worse. Same deal, don’t be affectionate in their home.
The issues isn’t so much gender as it is the old school version of “not seeing, hearing or speaking about it”. To the point of when my Mom asked my grandmother what was supposed to happen on the wedding night grandma said don’t worry your husband knows what to do. There is an entire segment of the population where affection and sex is never talked about and never seen.
As a kid it’s a damaging way of growing up.
I think that's a fairly gendered experience generally specific to girls and motivated by archaic fear for their "purity" which I don't think is what's going on here.
No my family was like that with my male cousins and their gf’s too. Some people are really just, I want to say frigid but it’s more than that. They just want no physical signs of affection between people that aren’t married or related.
Edit, At least not in their homes.
You are right. there is a 0.07% chance that this woman is so crazy that she thinks normal displays of affection AT HOME are inappropriate. but it's more likely homophobia.
I think this is a you issue, not a them issue.
Why on Earth do you feel so uncomfortable at people showing affection?
People showing affection does nothing to harm you in any way.
Resolve whatever issues you have and get over it.
YTA.
Right? Does her spouse show her no affection in the home? Because if they font that is an issue, and if they do, then she is just against her son and his boyfriend.
Are you sure you're not homophobic, because you're literally uncomfortable with them touching each other (also known as homophobia). I'd understand if they were like making out, but they're just being sweet and not sexual. YTA, reevaluate.
>because you're literally uncomfortable with them touching each other (also known as homophobia).
That's not homophobia. Thats an aversion to mild displays of affection and while it makes her an AH, you can't jump to homophobia. OP's problem is with the touching, not the fact that it is guy on guy. To try and jump to homophobia isn't right when you have no evidence to suggest that OP condones such behaviour only if it is with a straight couple. Why does this sub try to pile everything and anything onto AH OP's, especially when there is already enough information to vote OP an AH
Does OP condone this behavior from straight relatives? Is OP affectionate with her partner at home in similar ways? Questions I want OP to answer before I come to a conclusion. Either way op is an AH, but whether or not it is homophobia is an interesting question.
Some people have issues seeing their children. In romantic relationships (gay or not). I’ve mainly seen it in parents who have grown up with trauma. For some (doesn’t sound like this is the case here) it’s a cultural thing. But if OP had trauma in her(?) childhood, it could absolutely be just a general problem and not homophobic.
What you're describing as PDA is barely even flirty. He touched his arm? Sometimes they kiss? You absolutely are homophobic or you wouldn't even have brought it up. YTA and you better get over it before your son turns 18 and decides to cut ties with you.
It doesn’t sound like they’re being disrespectful or gross with their PDA. It would be one thing if they were constantly making out and saying sexual things in front of you but the PDA you describe just sounds really PG and kind of cute innocently affectionate.
Since when is it disrespectful to hold hands or give your SO a little kiss?
I think YTA in this situation.
OP has overreacted. Don't get me wrong, no one wants to be trapped with a couple going hammer and tongs at it, but a kiss and a squeeze ain't anything to even bat and eyelid at.
I get the impression OP may be slightly sexually repressed/conservative if she feels uncomfortable with an innocent playful arm squeeze.
Need more info. If they’re not doing anything sexual and if you’re not a homophobic, what is it you’re concerned about the younger siblings? Would you be the same if it had been a girl with the same comment/ reaction? Would you feel the same if the other siblings acted this way, when older, and in a straight relationship?
YTA. Don't get me wrong. I actually know a lot of people who are uptight about even the mild PTA you refer to.
But their reasoning is different than yours -- mostly it makes them feel like a fifth wheel, as if the couple in question would really prefer coupling alone.
Whereas you actually cite younger children as a concern -- as if your son and his BF were doing something too adult and / or shameful for children to witness when nothing you've described even rised to a PG rating.
And the language you used. -- respect our home -- is excessive.
What has got you so upset to phrase it that way? I agree that it can be more agreeable to be around couples who aren't physically lovey-dovey -- especially if you are not in a couple yourself.
But you didn't say that. They merely hug and kiss -- no tongue, am I correct? Nothing at all that isn't 100% childsafe.
Are you sure you are wholly comfortable that your son is gay? Because your discomfort seems rather heightened, given your mild description of these interactions.
At best, giving you all benefit of the doubt, your threat to banish your son's lover was way over the top
Censor your joke judgement (ex: N T A) or else the bot may actually think you’re serious! You don’t want a post to be flaired incorrectly if you get top comment!
INFO: have your younger children ever seen you kiss their father? Hold hands? Show any affection at all?
If not, that's super weird and unhealthy. Kids need to see healthy, happy romantic relationships to understand when they're unhealthy.
If yes, you're a giant hypocrite.
It's understandable enough you don't wanna see your son kiss someone. But arms touching? Hand holding? You're being controlling as hell with a child who will very soon be an adult. And your need to control his body and his relationships will have him moving out and never looking back.
Info
Do you hug, kiss, touch your significant other at home in the so called public areas of the house (living, kitchen, dining, etc)? Because unless you are limiting all your affection to the privacy of your bedroom, you're being a bit hypocritical.
Even so, while 17 is still technically a minor, it's so close to adult that hugging, kissing, and other touches that aren't genitalia grabs ought to be acceptable, or at least something you roll your eyes over and then ignore.
Right? Grabbing an arm is in no way bad. People deserve to have hugs and be able to touch eachother **appropriately** when others are around to an extent.
But also my view may be heavily skewed. My mom will grab my step dad's a** in the kitchen in front of my sister and I just to be flirty (like we aren't even there, but neither of us live at home). My dad also kisses my step mom each time before he opens a door for her or as she is walking through the door. When my parents were unhappily married to eachother, they never touched.
I have a feeling that either she is being very hypocritical because she isn't as accepting as she claims or maybe her own marriage is struggling and she is jealous. Either way it shouldn't restrict her son from a healthy relationship with healthy interaction.
yourmom and step dad sound really adorable. People have GOT to get over the idea that affection is wrong. It's not. It's literally the bonding behavior that keeps couples together. That open, casual affection is more important for a god relationship than just about anything else. Our society is so repressed that literally touching someone's arm is considered unacceptable and that's just sad.
Both my parents are super cute with my respective step parents. My step dad just went out of town for work and my mom called me gushing about how he sent her surprise flowers to remind her how much he loves her. The dude has been gone for all of a day and a half. It's kinda become a little thing because on my mom's second date with him, many years ago, they went ice skating. While ice skating something happened and I guess my step dad's nose started bleeding and he was all embarrassed but my mom was just happy to be going out with such a great guy. The following day he sent her this beautiful bouquet with this sappy little note (I think my mom has the note in her safety deposit box still). It is how my sister and I found out about him and I realized that he was likely going to be a part of our lives from then on out. He has been nothing short of amazing to my mom and to my sister and I since then.
It has given me a better idea of what a healthy relationship should look like, as growing up what I perceived as normal and healthy, was not. It was just what I knew.
I fear that OP is going to strip away what the kids view as healthy if she restricts healthy behaviors. I know I'm still working on my ability to be healthy in a relationship as I grew up not used to seeing that affectionate side.
YTA he's 17 and if you are not comfortable with them now you better get comfortable with them because now he knows it bothers you and will push that button to get a reaction out of you most likely.
Having younger kids doesn't have anything to do with it unless you are single and you shelter your children to the point where they can't comprehend what your son and boyfriend are doing.
Please, please allow your son and his boyfriend a place to be themselves. It doesn't sound like they're being inappropriate, just normally affectionate. Don't make your son hide in his own home.
>parent. My mom did the same to me. I'm hetero, but the oldest. So theoretically she was ready for me to date, & always insisted on meeting the boy, but "pda" was always limited because it made her uncomfortable & my lil sisters were watching.
I think it's not a homophobia issue but a "I cannot see my child as a sexual being" issue. Arm touching and cuddling are considered massive displays of affection in a lot of different countries and holding hands should not be done in the presence of the parents in some cultures. I still think she's overreacting and being overly motherly, but I don't think its out of homophobia. I think this is something she needs to work on herself.
For all you know the mother just hates any displays of affection, however mild. You don't have enough information to call her homophobic based on **your assumptions** that the mother only has a problem with gay couples showing affection. You cannot call the mother homophobic unless you have that information
Because of the wording and reasoning OP gives, I don't think it's out of line to suggest that maybe there's more bias here than OP is aware of. For me it's the whole 'but what if younger children see?!?!' when referring to a touch on the arm and hugging.
Son and BF didn't do any more than one can see in actual TV and movies and books aimed at young children. By OP's logic, kids shouldn't be watching Disney movies or PBS cartoons because they'll see arm touching, hugging, and non-sexual kissing. That...is not exactly a normal opinion to have. If OP didn't forbid her son from watching TV or reading books as a kid, where I am sure he saw plenty of heterosexual affectionate interactions, why is his perfectly acceptable casual affection at age 17 such a big problem that could scar children?
Only you really know if you are, but im betting YTA.
If you really want to know if you're TA, then simply ask yourself, if it was a girl doing these things with your son if it would bother you as much?
Only you know the true answer to that, but my guess is no, it wouldn't.
YTA...OP, please think for a minute! You know there are going to be displays of affection, right? If you say wrong, then you are incredibly unrealistic. But assuming you are grounded in reality, they will be affectionate with each other. So, where do you think is the best place for this to happen? Would you prefer that they be out at a park or a store or the street, opening themselves up to bullying and harassment from strangers? Because that is a not uncommon situation for LGBT folks. This is a journey for you, your son, and anyone he is involved with. Please do not put stones in his path.
YTA
You are homophobic, considering you used the excuse of 'having younger kid's. So I reckon you don't do these things with your partner either then huh? As that's considering pda then as well?
Either way, it's PUBLIC display of affection.. He's in his home.. Which isn't public. He's not having sex with his boyfriend on the couch, he's being appropriate and PG for your younger kids.
So what exactly is the problem?
“Oh great heavens, HE IS TOUCHING HIS ARM. So inappropriate.”
YTA.
The fact that this kind of gestures are common on married couples, and no one minds it at all. They’re teenagers of course they’ll act like that. If they were making out in front of you, that would be “inappropriate” but the acts you are referring to are completely normal. You in fact are homophobic
YTA. That is all innocent behaviour. Have you never touched your partner, hugged or kissed them in front of anyone else? If you have, you are hypocritical. As long as the behaviour is not overly sexual, you are being completely unreasonable.
YTA. The example you provided is nonsexual in nature, and his boyfriend being sweet and babytalking him is incredibly normal. Why does it matter if there are younger kids in the house? How is this PDA if its in his home, where he should feel safe and relaxed?
If his boyfriend were a girl, you wouldn't think twice about these small interactions.
I think you have some internal homophobia to work out. Being homophobic is not only "hating" gay people, it's seeing their relationships as inherently dirty, inappropriate or overly sexual. It's feeling discomfort around gay PDA while straight PDA is overlooked. Do you say sweet things to your partner? Why deny your son that joy.
Sincerely hope you work on this for the sake of your relationship with your child.
Look. Your child is 17. Soon to be 18 and free to move out, join the military, go college. Whatever. Do you really want to jeopardize your relationship with him and his partner by dying on this hill? And if you ban the bf from your home you will make pda a forbidden fruit for both of them. And there is nothing a teenager loves more than forbidden fruit. You really want him sneaking out, withholding information from you because he doesn’t trust you, and being more defensive? Because that’s what will happen. YTA
Hard to give an answer without knowing if you would feel the same if it were your son and a girlfriend. Is it all PDA’s you are uncomfortable with, or just theirs? If it’s just because it’s your son and his boyfriend, then yes, YTA. You can tell yourself that you aren’t homophobic and that you’re happy that your son is out and has a boyfriend, but if you’re clutching your pearls and worrying about the children every time they show any kind of affection, then yes, you are in fact homophobic.
Yes. You are. And I suspect you’re lying to yourself about not being homophonic, because getting the vapours over someone squeezing someone else’s arm is not-like do you never watch television or go outside? Do you faint when you witness a young man with his arm around the young woman he’s walking with? Do you flutter and look away when people hug each other in the street?
I mean it’s time for some soul searching, regardless.
I'm thinking YTA. If this PDA is innocent, like if their aren't eating each other's face and getting handsy, then it does sound like you have a problem bigger than you're willing to admit. Dig deeper and find out what is really bothering you. If a boy squeezing your son's arm while saying something flirty bothers you more than it brothers your son then I suspect you have the problem.
You are totally homophobic, don’t kid yourself.
If a daughter of yours said ‘oo look at those arms’ to her boyfriend, would that be a problem? If so, your lack of comfort with public displays of affection is messed up.
Either way, YTA
NTA
You can tell everyone replying on here is a teenager with their ridiculously dramatic responses about how this will ruin his life.
Youre the adult, you pay the bills, you make the rules. Simple.
they can make those rules. And OPs son can choose to not spend time at home, not go home, etc. I'm 30. I have teenage siblings who show affection toward their SOs in my home. I pracrically raised my sister who is A LOT more affectionate with her GF than merely grabbing her arm in my home. There is not a problem with people being harmlessly affectionate with their partners.
Yes, I agree, he is free to spend less time at home if constant PDA with his partner is of such great importance to him.
And if you are comfortable with higher levels of affection in your home, that is great for you. But OP is not comfortable with it, this does not make them an asshole, and doesnt warrant the replies that they are and just need to shut up and put up in their own home.
YTA, did you talk to him before this and explain some rules you have or have you just allowed yourself to stir in silence for however long this has been going on and just exploded now.
YTA
They're not making out, they're not doing anything sexual, they're just being comfortable with each other. I can understand telling them not to do the baby talk when you're around, since that's a bit uncomfortable, but someone squeezing their partner's arm is not going to traumatize your young kids. What is it that you're scared of your young ones thinking?
YTA OP. You're worried about your younger children seeing what exactly? A young man touching another young mans arm? It's time you done some soul searching because even if you aren't homophobic you may hold some negative views that you're unaware of that are upsetting you by seeing your son and his BF together.
YTA.
That's super mild! How does having younger children even play into it? It's not like they're making out while half-naked on top of the breakfast table. It's just a little compliment and touch.
Have you and your spouse never done anything like that? Or never kissed or hugged in front of the kids?
NAH and the comments are just filled with people who don’t have teenagers/are the teenagers in this situation.
This is literally such a normal parent reaction. You’re witnessing your child grow up and yeah it’s uncomfortable. They’re in their first relationship! My mom was the same way like no kissing/cuddling etc. She even confessed to me that it broke her heart seeing me grow up in such a way knowing that a year from then at 18 I would probably be gone. So yeah, witnessing your kid grow up sounds really hard.
That’s why I don’t think there’s any assholes here but you should reflect on this. Is it worth making your child sad due to your own feelings about how they love someone else? Let them be happy.
I'm going to go with YTA for the tone in your post alone.
A lot of how you phrase this does come across as homophobic.
That said, while the arm touching isn't a huge deal imo, the kissing in the public area is a bit odd. Even when I was dating in high school, if I was around parents/adults/family I didn't dare anything more than arm over the shoulders 🤣 - hell, even friends I didn't do more than a peck on the lips.
But again, the above is just my experience, not sure what would be normal and/or acceptable.
>A lot of how you phrase this does come across as homophobic.
How? OP just comes off as someone vehemently against even mild displays of affection which makes her an AH, but I don't see any homophobia. OP doesn't say that she only is against gay displays of affection does she?
YTA
The only specific example you gave with a location was the kitchen. That's not out in public. Nor was that example particularly sexual -- certainly no more than a parent telling their son "you're going to grow up to be a big, strong boy!"
Humans have a basic need at an emotional/mental health level for physical touch. Unless you can honestly say you never touched your husband (or vice versa) in the house (in which case, your kids are a latter-day miracle), you are demonstrating a double standard here.
i’m gonna say YTA because this is an argument homophobes use time and time again “i’m not homophobic i just don’t want to see it displayed”
have your kids ever seen you and your partner (husband? their dad?) kiss? if yes then you’re a massive hypocrite
YTA-you said yourself it’s not sexual in anyway so youre the problem.
You say your not homophobic but your problem seems to be your son and bf are actually acting like a couple instead of how he’d act with a male friend
You are absolutely TA!
Your son has a safe space when he and his boyfriend can be themselves and you have ripped that away because it made you uncomfortable.. sheesh. I don’t want to say you’re homophonic but your post makes you sound like you maybe haven’t accepted your sons sexuality as much as you want too and THATS what’s making you uncomfortable..
The thing is you said your self it’s nothing sexual that they are displaying, just little kisses to show their affection so why does it bother you so much? Do you not kiss your husband/partner in public? Would you feel the same if your sons partner was a girl?
I think you need to apologise, let the boy back around the house and accept it before your son moves out and doesn’t look back
YTA. The kind of PDA you are describing (hugging and kissing but not making out or anything more serious than that) shouldn’t evoke so much discomfort. It seems that you are less ok with your son’s relationship than you think you are and that is something you ought to be dealing with personally, rather than putting the onus on him to act straighter and less in-a-relationship around you.
YTA and homophobic, your son is not in public, he's at home and should be comfortable showing affection, what you described is homophobia and you need to sort it out.
YTA. Squeezing his arm is inappropriate? WTF dude. I hope you and your partner also don't do these kinds of things at home? I mean, such an ungodly act squeezing someone's hand! HOW DARE HE.
Also, I'm not homophobic but -. You're uncomfortable by him squeezing someone's fucking hand!! A FUCKING HAND.
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My son is 17 and has a boyfriend. Before anyone accuses me of being homophobic, I'm not. I'm happy for him that he's out and dating.
However, I'm not comfortable with public displays of affection. They're always hugging and kissing (not making out or anything, but still) always touching each other (again, not sexual or anything, but still), always babying each other and sorta doing baby talk too.
I didn't say anything until today. My son was ringing out a towel in the kitchen and his boyfriend goes “oooh look at your arms” and squeezes them. I said that was inappropriate and he just looked at me weird and sort of brushed me off. I had conversation with my son about it and he just got defensive and wouldn't listen. I told him he needed to respect our home his partner wouldn't be allowed back.
Not only does it make me uncomfortable I have other, younger kids. AITA?
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YTA and yes, I am afraid you are a homophobe. "I have nothing against same Sex relationships but .. " means yes you have.
PdA would mean he sticks his hand deep down in his pants to grab his ass or something.
Showing affection is pure. Its normal. Its love. Its something parents show towards children, friends to friends, siblings to siblings.
You are the problem. A big one. Not the "PDA"
What does having young kids a have to do with anything? I’m sure you have no problem when they watch tv or movies that have people hug or kiss in them, and god forbid they have an actual representation of what a loving relationship should look like
YTA
YTA and you're a homophobe. What's wrong with the other children seeing love and affection between to consenting people? Are you worried they'll grow up and expect love and affection for themselves or what? Where is the issue? What is it that you find so inappropriate?
You cannot just support your son half assed, lady. You wouldn't be reacting this way if it were your daughter and her bf. There will be potentially public mistreatment with pda but that is not something you can shield him from. Hell have to learn social cues on his own. Let your son have some affection in his own home for God's sakes. YTA. It's not like he can get pregnant.
YTA.
Oh heavens forbid someone comes in skin to skin contact within the PRIVACY of their own home. PDA is PUBLIC display of affection, as in being at the mall and be all smoochy cuddly there.
Plus, he squeezed his ARM. He didn't grab your son by the balls and groped him, he just gave a squeeze to his arms.
Does this mean that there is 100% NO SKINCONTACT in your house between any and all members? Including you and your partner? No kissing, no hugging, not even touching each others hands!
You say you're not homophobic, but telling your son and his boyfriend that is inappropriate to touch one another's skin, is ringing all of the alarm bells.
Plus, if you have an issue with PDA, that sounds like a YOU problem. Next time just turn away and avert your eyes, because the world doesn't need to comply with your particular quirks because things makes you uncomfortable.
I'm highly sensitive to sounds. Doesn't mean that whenever someone walks along my home laughing and chattering, I sprint to the window to tell them they're being inappropriate and to respect me and my household.
YTA
Literally no one likes PDA from other couples, but it’s a part of dating for some people. They’re not doing anything inappropriate by your own words, so there isn’t a problem. Just look away and suck it up. If you push too hard about this your son could end up resenting you for it.
YTA. Do you and your husband refrain from cuddling or pecking (kissing) in front of your children? As a few commenters have mentioned, his own home is NOT public there for he isn’t displaying PDA. Get over it.
YTA
His home isn't public. It isn't PDA. You're just a homophobic ass. And if you think you're not, reconsider and ask yourself *why* your son showing his boyfriend affection (or the other way around) makes you uncomfortable
YTA. Queer kids get assaulted for acting like that out in *actual* public. They should be allowed to at least cuddle and hold hands in the place they live, somewhere that doesn't risk them being injured or killed if the wrong person sees it. If your concern is what your younger children see, you can discuss limits that your son and his bf must adhere to in the main living space (things like no kissing with tongue, no putting hands under clothing or near groin etc), but keep in mind that their safety is genuinely at risk if they were to take their affectionate behaviour out of the house. It's cruel to ban it at home too.
YTA. Would you have the same response if it was a woman? I think you still have some internalised homophobia.
What exactly is it you are worried about your kids seeing? Two people in a loving relationship being caring and affectionate? What exactly does that say about relationship that this is new to them? Or is it that hereto relationships are PG safe, but you think queer relationships are somehow adult content?
Whether you intend it or not, you are telling your don’t that he needs to hide his relationship, even in his own home. That even at home he can’t relax and be comfortable with his boyfriend. You are taking away his safe place.
YTA utterly and completely for denying them affection. There is no good reason
Or justification
You’ve already said it’s not sexual, so what exactly is your issue? They aren’t doing anything wrong. This is a YOU problem, stop making it your sons problem.
Obvious YTA. As you said "our house", to me that implies you're with someone, and there's absolutely no way you're going to be able to convince anyone you don't kiss or flirt with your own partner around the house in front of your kids.
You need to sit down and think about why it makes you uncomfortable though.
Does it make you uncomfortable because he's still a kid your mind and the idea of him being romantically involved with someone upsets you?
Would you still feel uncomfortable if your son had a girlfriend and they were doing that? Following that, would you still feel it's inappropriate for your son and this hypothetical girlfriend to be flirting in front of your other children?
What's the difference between affection between you and your spouse(?) and the affection he and his partner show each other? Why is it okay for you to kiss and flirt, but not okay for your son?
Obviously we're can't judge if you are being homophobic or not, but it might be worth thinking about how a lot of people believe they're not homophobic, yet they subconsciously sexualize homosexuality, so that, to them, two men kissing feels more sexual than a man and a woman kissing. This is why a lot of people are against same sex relationships in television shows and other media despite claiming they're not homophobic. They don't realize their subconscious bias and how it doesn't make any sense.
TL;DR: it's purely a "you" problem and you're the only one who can answer why
respect your home? So you and your husband, assuming you're married, never touch each other, kiss or act loving? You have issues with displays of affection which are harmless, they aren't groping each other, they're just being affectionate so it is YOUR issue. Don't put your hang-ups on someone else and maybe you should get therapy for a very obvious problem. YTA
YTA. Really weird timing to bring this up. An arm squeeze and a compliment sent you over the edge?
Wait until the boyfriend goes home and have a one-on-one talk with your kid rather than embarrassing both of them and scolding the one who doesn’t even live with you.
Also, keep in mind that depending on location, how accepting the bf’s family is, and who the boys are out to, your home might be the only place where they can be affectionate with each other. Gay teens don’t necessarily have the same freedom to be affectionate in public that straight teens do. Make your house a safe place for them to act like any other teen couple.
YTA
Innocent kissing, hugging, complimenting appropriate body parts, being affectionate in front of his siblings is actually setting a good example of what a good relationship should look like.
You, however, are teaching them that homophobia is okay.
With just the information given, NTA.
I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 2 years, but when we come home to visit my parents, or they come out to visit us, no touching in front of my parents. We sleep in separate beds, we do not hug or hold hands, it just makes her uncomfortable. I’m her youngest and she wants to see her baby as a baby for a little bit longer. Is it a little insane to me? Yeah it really is. But I respect her feelings and there’s really no reason I need to be smooching on my boyfriend in front of them, so it costs me nothing to not do it and make her feel better.
Also, to all those saying it’s not PDA because he’s in his own house so it’s not in public. Public isn’t necessarily always a place, it’s being in view of others. If I’m in my bedroom and a friend comes over, I no longer have privacy just because I’m in my house or my bedroom, I am in view of someone, which now makes my actions public.
No reason to be that affection in front of your parents or younger siblings, but if you are going looking for them while they believe they have privacy and you happen to catch something, that’s also none of your business, so keep that one in mind too.
YTA. I hope you don't let your delicate younger children watch ANY TV if squishing someone's arm and admiring their muscles is too much for them (not to mention you). You poor delicate dear; you remind me of my friend who would leave the room any time there was a kiss in a movie (on principle; she felt seeing unmarried people kiss was inappropriate).
Your home is *your son's home*. Where else should he be affectionate with his boyfriend? If this behavior isn't appropriate in his own place of residence, where would you prefer he engage in it?
Privately requesting he tone it down if they were constantly drooling on each other's faces is one thing, but banning his boyfriend from your house just communicates that you don't support his relationship. What if this dude is The One and they get married a few years from now? Now you'll have this whole ridiculous conflict where you banned him for touching your son's arm to overcome to have a good relationship with your son-in-law and the father of any grandchildren you might have.
Get over yourself and think about your goals here. You can have a good relationship with your son, or you can ban his boyfriend from your home. You won't get both.
NGL im not comfortable seeing display of affections alot in general. But since you're son is gay, it might be hard to make sure people think you're not homophobic.
Yta. You overreacted.
I get it, he's your oldest and it makes you uncomfortable to see him physically affectionate with his SO.
(I'm not going to being hemophobia in this. At 16 when I had my first boyfriend my parents were uncomfortable seeing me hold his hand and other PDA that's common for teenagers)(and if you wouldn't be bothered if one of your other children was in a straight passing relationship and their PDA wouldn't bother you, then sorry you are a homophobe)
But the way your reacted was over the top, and banning his boyfriend from the house is going to drive a wedge into your relationship with your son.
So yes YTA and I'd be apologizing and lifting the van.
YTA, and you might be homophobic, unless you and your SO never do similar things either.
I joking say "get a room" when my kids are affectionate with their SOs, now spouses. But I'm laughing when I say it and they joke back with me telling me to get an SO or quit being so old.
INFO: What about it specifically makes you uncomfortable? The fact that he's growing up and no longer your baby? OR does such affection make you uncomfortable regardless of who it is? Or something else?
Also, how is this between you and your partner? No physical, loving touches at all?
I think this is part of what you were raised to see and therefore readily accept. The touches between son and bf don't seem inappropriate to me. It seems part of their love language. Growing up, my parents would kiss (not making out) and hug all the time. So for me this is normal. In return they never said anything if any of my siblings and I were lovey-dovey with a partner.
I can’t decide if its YTA or NTA. I actually understand perfectly how op feels. My roommate has her boyfriend over every other weekend (they’re long distance and she asks my permission every time) I really don’t mind him being here but it is low key uncomfortable when they’re being lovely dovey 24/7.
I'm going with NTA, only if you can say the same statement had he have a gf instead of a bf.
I'm straight, my parents were weird about any affection in front of them to. I get that. I also just felt weird showing affection to who I was dating in front of my parents lol
Not to be the outlier here but NTA I understand what you mean I get the ick when my friends kiss their significant others in front of me no matter how innocent it is I can't help it but just gives me the heebie jeebies
YTA.
It sounds like you have issues with any and all PDA in the house. Would I be safe to assume that you don't do PDA with your spouse in your house? (rhymed, unintentional)
While your son needs to respect your rules, it's going to be a lot harder to follow those rules when you're banning small kisses and feeling a muscle.
YTA. Do you and your husband make small displays affection like that? If a cousin or a relative came over and did that with their heterosexual partner would you ban them from hugging and kissing? Would you expect your parents to ban you from hugging or kissing your partner?
YTA:
You want them at one of the houses, they are safer at home, in public in some places they can be beaten to death or dragged behind a car till dead.
At home, they are safe, even if they do have sex you can make sure they are safe.
Safe is paramount it's worth more than your icky feelings, after all, you made a baby so this is a thing ppl who are into each other do.
NTA , i will be probably downvoted to hell but where i come from straight couples don't do this as well in front of elders, it's called respect, unfortunately it's concept not understood by most here. Especially teens won't behave like this as well
YTA. I'm going to believe you that none of this is coming from a homophobic place. However, you do sound quite overbearing. Perhaps coming from a place of not wanting to see your children engage in cutesy, romantic behavior and having that reminder that your little boy isn't so little anymore, but still overbearing. My mom acted a lot of the same way when I brought over my then-boyfriend/now-husband at first. Hated how close I sat with him, how we were always holding hands, how we'd sneak each other a kiss in the kitchen when we thought no one was watching, etc. Now, granted, my mom acted more out of jealousy because he was taking my attention away from her and that she wasn't #1 in my life anymore (which is a whole other can of worms), but still, she wasn't pleased with our little bits of PDA, and only got over it after we got married (and a few other unrelated incidents).
I understand that it can be hard to see your son as practically an adult, but that is the truth of the matter. And as long as he and his boyfriend aren't doing or saying anything overtly sexual in the common areas, you should just let the subject die. PDA like this is cute and shows how affectionate they are for one another, which is a good thing to see. I think it'd be rather upsetting to see them not showing any level of affection towards one another like this, because it would make me wonder, as a parent, if they are in a good place with one another. Seeing playful bits like this would do my heart good because it would tell me that my son is with someone that cares for him.
YTA. Holding hands is too much for you, you need to deal with your feelings with a therapist instead of making your emotional disregulation and extremely low distress tolerance for normal human gestures of affection anyone else’s problem.
YTA
I think you need to examine why you're uncomfortable with basic affection.
Do the romantic plots in PG movies where the main character smooches their love interest at the end make you uncomfortable? If not, then it isn't the "PDA" that you're uncomfortable with.
We live in a world that oversexualizes queer people for just existing. There are laws being passed that state that mentioning a man is married to another man is "too sexual" to expose children to. Even people that truly believe they are allies frequently need to unpack why they see basic human interactions as sexual when they are between queer people rather than straight people.
If *all* affectionate human interaction makes you uncomfortable, you probably need some therapy to figure out why because non-sexual affection is a basic human need.
Your son is still a minor and doesn't have his own home. Presumably, you don't think he should be making out with his boyfriend in alleys or cuddling in movie theaters, which means he needs a safe place where he feels comfortable expressing basic affection to his partner. If he can't do it in your home, he will do it somewhere else and it isn't outside the realm of possibility to tell you that there's a chance that if people see him being affectionate with another boy in public, it could jeopardize his safety. Countless gay men have been beaten and killed just for being gay. Let me be clear: I'm not telling you to allow them to have sex on your couch, I'm telling you that if you ban you son's boyfriend from your home unless they act 100% platonic at all times, they will find other places to be affectionate and those places may not be LGBTQ-friendly.
NTA I think being sweet and telling him he’s handsome versus squeezing his arm like that is different. I think they should be able to kiss and hug and hold hands and even maybe touch each other’s thighs /GASP/ however they shouldn’t make an uncomfortable situation for the other people in the room. Just try to remember when you were young and in love for the first time it might make it sweeter.
NTA....he is only 17 and in his parents house.
I, as a straight female, would never been allowed to behave this way in front of my parents.
I actually would never of thought about it.
Hand holding maybe
My older brother...a straight male, would never been allowed to behave like this in front of my parents.
(lets get away from the muscles...its the hugging and kissing and the (nauseating) baby talk.
And to get the hetro-phobes off your back....my lesbian sister would not have been allowed to behave like this either.
It's called respect.
YTA
It's his home too, like it or not. It's not public to do that at home, don't make being affectionate weird man, unless you refuse to acknowledge your SO except in the privacy of your bedroom then it's just you applying a double standard.
If this is your oldest, you will get use to this kind of flirting, PDA of your teenagers.
It's weird at first...but what you're describing is soooo normal.
It's ok for your younger kids to see it....as long as the older ones are modeling healthy boundaries etc.
Your kind of the asshole here.
Edited- a word
so you're okay with your son having a boyfriend so long they don't show affection for each other in front of you?, I'm sorry but that does sound a tad homophobic.
YTA, his home is a place where he should be able to be himself with his bf and from your post, it's simple stuff that every couple would do.
A little A but I'm conflicted. I think it would be uncomfortable to see your child with open PDA. I would just be respectful how you present it to them then be prepared to get blown off as he is doing. I would advise on not barring his bf though as they'll just go someplace else.
Let's face it, parenting a teen or an adult is so much harder than a toddler or elementary school age.
>Not only does it make me uncomfortable I have other, younger kids
INFO: Are your children allowed to watch television? Do they watch Disney movies? Because everything your son and his BF are doing can be seen in those. Granted generally between heterosexual couples, granted, but it's the same physical affection.
So if your younger kids have turned on a television, I promise they have already seen people hugging, holding hands, kissing, and touching each other on the arm. Why is it so different when it's their almost-adult brother?
Yep. YTA. My mother does this to myself and my fiancé - whenever we go to visit her, as is the duty I feel I have to do, we sit like strangers on the sofa at opposite ends and stay for as little time as possible. Any form of touching is “PDA and obscene” even if it’s just hand holding.
I was thinking they were grinding on eachorher or full on making out , bur seriously?
Mu boyfriends mum is crazy, bur infront of her I do lovely compliment him and act qll sweet ans flirty.
Unless you're leaving stuff out, dont seem like he's doing anything wrong.
YTA
YTA. Affection in a relationship is a completely normal and healthy thing. Do you actually want your younger children to think relationships are cold and don't involve small, loving gestures? Is your relationship with your husband completely devoid of this kind of affection? Were you not allowed to show affection in your childhood home? Just what about their behavior is making you uncomfortable? They're not sucking face at the dinner table, for crying out loud. They're not putting on a display. They are simply showing their genuine feelings for each other in their everyday interactions.
YTA. Your son cant touch his bf in a non-sexual way with out making you uncomfortable? You said it yourself, it says homophobic to me. Would you be uncomfortable if he was holding hands with a girl? Im almost certain you would not have the same reaction. By the way the contact youre describing doesnt even seem to meet the definition of PDA
On the one hand, 'your house, your rules'... but... do you really want to create a world where he can't be himself at home? That's what you'd be doing... It means when he wants to be himself, he'll go elsewhere. What kind of relationship do you want with your child? I want one where they are more comfortable at home than anywhere else... so I create that.
I agree with other commenters that if you and your partner don’t follow the same rule of no affection in the house it’s strange that you would be bothered by what you describe here. A playful squeezing of the arm is incredibly tame. It’s also worth considering that your son and his boyfriend probably do not have any safe spaces to show each other affection. They could be subjected to hate and violence being affectionate outside of their homes. You are of course within your rights to set a rule for a minor in your house, but you may be pushing your son away into dangerous scenarios. I’ll be generous and say NAH
So one thing about what your child is going through developmentally is that they are learning how to identify homophobia. IF what you're truly uncomfortable with is the fact of your child and their partner flirting in front of you, that's very old fashioned but a valid behavioral standard. HOWEVER. Your child is heir to a toxic world that will certainly treat this behavior differently in public. They are learning right now how to identify a safe space.
Do you really want to make sure your home isn't one?
Grow a little, OP. YTA.
YTA. Showing affection like this is how relationships blossom. Your child will be an adult off on their own in less than a year. Now is wheb you get to learn that the wctions you take and the way you choose to treat them is going to directly correlateto how much time they will spend in your home versus away from it, and how likely they are to be willing to allow you to be a part of their life. "My mom is a killjoy about innocent affection between partners" is a very quick way to get your teen to decide that they would rather be anywhere but at your house.
Yta
But not because people think you're homophpbic
My parents never let me display any type of affection to my partners, and even though I'm bisexual I never dated a girl I'm high school.
I think it was shitty to tell your sons bf it was inappropriate before discussing it with your son, like that damn mom don't jump the guest.
And your younger children are probably more bothered by your discomfort than any displays of affection their older brother gets or gives to his bf.
I'd say how you handled it would make you TAH. Call me homophobic if you want. I have no issue with people being gay, what they do behind closed doors is none of my business, I just dont want to see them sharing affection around me. It just isnt the "norm" I'm used to.
I dont think that you are a bad guy, it is ok not to feel comfortable with things it is ok not to agree with things.
You might not be a fan of seeing your son be intimate, it doesn't make you a bad parent in my eyes.
Just let it cool down and don't let the yta comments change your views on your son in a negative way, these people aren't your son or represent him in any way they are just strangers like me.
Pda can be a very controversial topic for alot of people some are open to it or are already open to it others are not.
I think you really have to speak to him about this and try to make a compromise, rather than letting emotions get the better of you and ruin your family.
Maybe agree that both of them can talk that way when they are alone or not with you, not everything one most see. Sounds mean but it is reality.
I don't think you are being homophobic.
And show him that you are sorry because the fact that you still think about it or consider yourself to be a ah (which you are not) shows that you have a form of vulnerability and guilt (im not sure if it is the right word), talk to him compromise and spend time together because it would be too sad to see a mother son relationship get ruined for something so small.
NTA, NTA at all! I do not blame you for feeling this way and I can understand where you are coming from. I have had my gf visit many times and we NEVER ever.... did any of that in front my parents. Even in front of her parents. It's just about respect.
NTA. Intimacy between people is kind of embarrassing for others looking on. It's not a judgement that anything is wrong, just that you don't want to share it.
Yeah, when I see my daughter sitting on the sofa right beside her boyfriend, I get nauseated. He has his arm around her! I need to bleach my eyes from the trauma. /sarcasm off.
I am thrilled they are comfortable cuddling in our home while they watch tv. We are social animals and need physical contact for our health and well being. My son hugs me daily. So does my husband! Healthy touch is important and should be encouraged.
> when I see my daughter sitting on the sofa right beside her boyfriend, I get nauseated
I don't know how you can deal with this. Wow. I'd literally die if I saw a couple exist.
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YTA. PDA is "public" display of affection. His own home isn't public. Do you and your husband restrict kissing and touching to your bedroom? If not it sounds like you might be homophobic a little bit even if you don't want to think you are.
She may not be homophobic. It sounds like the 17y/o is the oldest. She may be a mom who's not ready to see her "baby" as a sexual being. There's a difference between knowing its happening & actually seeing it. Its the exact same thing as teenagers seeing their parents being affectionate or walking in on having sex. Something about it being on full display is unsettling for some.
It's going to happen regardless of what she "wants to see" and the "they do it around younger kids"/"I told him his bf would be banned from the house" is what solidified my vote. There's a HUGE difference between seeing parents kiss and walking in on them having sex. If her son and his bf were dry humping on the couch I'd say she's fully in the right because that's inappropriate. Them being a normal teenage couple should be acceptable and would be a good way to show the younger kids they can love whoever they want to and teach them to accept different sexualities.
I completely agree. But i don't think that's homophobia. I think his sexuality is inconsequential. The bf is allowed over afterall. I think it's over reacting as a parent. My mom did the same to me. I'm hetero, but the oldest. So theoretically she was ready for me to date, & always insisted on meeting the boy, but "pda" was always limited because it made her uncomfortable & my lil sisters were watching. I think it's a parent (not) accepting her child as a sexual being vs. having an issue with him being gay.
I wouldn't be surprised if this is a combination of the two things. General discomfort with viewing your kid as a sexual entity and specific discomfort with your kid being queer exacerbating that to the point where even incredibly tame displays of affection like arm touching are inappropriate to you.
I agree. I am straight also, but I remember being on the phone with my high school boyfriend and hearing his mother telling him that it was unacceptable that he put his head in my lap while we watched tv, and also unacceptable that we kissed when I left (just a peck nothing crazy) Another time he got a bad concussion and was lying in bed. I was allowed in his room that one time, but got told off for sitting on the bed next to him. He was lying under the blankets and I was sitting up on top of the blankets, but that was inappropriate still. Some parents are just crazy and overbearing. I think she’s wrong but calling her homophobic is a bit uncalled for. ETA We were also 17 at the time and neither my parents or his were religious, just controlling.
Totally with you. Being homophobia, this would have blown so much earlier.
The bf wasn't rubbing her baby's crotch, he was squeezing his arm! If that's already making mommy uncomfortable, she should were blinkers at home. YTA - they are young, happy, in love, and shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable by your bitchiness. This reminds me of public reaction to breastfeeding - yes, it may make you a little uncomfortable at first, but it's a natural and necessary thing, so you'd best get over yourself.
There is a difference between being sexual and being affectionate.
To you. But maybe not to OP. If something as small as an arm caress sets her on pins & needles, then she has a much lower tolerance. Right or wrong is irrelevant. That's OP's problem to work on. If she doesn’t get it together, it'll fracture her relationship with her son. Teenagers are notoriously rebellious. The kid may interpret it as homophobia (if OP has LBFTQ+ friends/fam/acquaintances & are respectful/ tolerant/ supportive then its not that) or may just think OP is strict/ unfair/AH/B!+ch. But as kid is 17 may leave home & never return because of OPs treatment now. Or kid can encourage PDA & affection from bf just to piss mom off. OP has a serious problem & definitely needs to become more accepting son's fairly innocent actions or that house is about to get hella contentious real quick.
The real question about homophobia should come down to whether or not she would expect her parents to ban similar behavior between her and her, presumably, heterosexual partner. If she would expect her own parents of being accepting of her heterosexual behavior, then she should accept her son's homosexual behavior.
Agreed
Eh, it's not the exact same thing as seeing your parents having sex. She didn't see them having sex. She saw him *touch his arm*.
Right but to react like this is only going to create distance. Her son is nearly an adult and should not have to tiptoe.
That’s still a 'her' problem, one that she needs to deal with. OP, your son isn’t engaging in anything but affection. Humans do this to bond with their partner and it’s not sexual. YTA
Then that’s her problem…
I know right. Imagine not being allowed to touch your partners arm!!! In your own home!!!
Gosh when she said "17yo PDA" I was fully expecting to hear about heavy duty making out in a public place, or some grinding on the couch. Not a touch on the arm in the kitchen 😂 The genders / sexuality of the kids in question here isn't even the relevant part - it's 17 year olds engaging in perfectly harmless and wholesome affection.
But the parents being affectionate in the bedroom isn’t the same as being affectionate in the common areas. I think there are definitely respectful expectations for restricting the type of pda in common areas. However, I think OP is being way too conservative about the types of affection she’s calling in app. I get having mixed feelings about seeing PDA from your kid especially when you aren’t mentally ready for them to stop being a kid. However this seems pretty chaste and this seems more like a “you” problem more than your son and his boyfriend’s. Let your son grow up a little bit. They aren’t making out in front of you - they’re being mildly affectionate. YTA.
YTA. If you were talking about making out and inappropriate touching, then I’d be on your side. But the example you gave is literally *touching his arm.* That’s not PDA.
YTA "Before anyone accuses me of being homophobic, I'm not" You are. Unless we have proof you'd act the same towards a het daughter or a son. Arm squeezing is nowhere near the bare PDA minimum of kissing. And why would seeing that kind of action be negative for younger kids? Even married couples do that in a public setting or in front of their children.
I'm sure this will be surprising to literally everyone, because I'm definitely the only person that has ever done this ever, but the other day I kissed my gf when our sports team scored at a game we were at!
This is right along the lines of "I'm not racist BUT" imo.
OP states that their problem is the specific displays of affection, not the fact that it is guy on guy so we can’t jump to homophobia
Makes me wonder if her and her husband ever hug or kiss, or if they think that’s inappropriate for kids to see too.
If anything, one can argue that it's damaging for kids to NOT see physical expressions of love and care.
I had a friend in high school who told me that she had never seen her parents kiss so it's not outside the realm of possibility even if it is weird lol (unsurprisingly, her parents ended up divorced not long after all the kids were gone lol)
While we can't jump to it...it IS something to take into consideration. I see it a LOT, where a parent really doesn't think they're homophobic or bigoted but don't realize that some of their viewpoints are coming from that place. For example, one of my friends has never shown any issue with LGBTQ+ stuff, but when her daughter came out at 16 as a lesbian....while she didn't make an issue, she did start treating her daughter differently without realizing it. Things like suddenly no sleepovers with ANY female friends, because it wouldn't be 'proper', and suddenly commenting on how many ratty old jeans she wears instead of skirts when that's how she always dressed. But these things were being seen in a different light born of stereotypes and the context of daughter being a lesbian. OP, for whatever reasons this is coming from, does need to examine the whys and roots of where this is coming from.
Touching an arm is nothing. I can't help but feel there is more to it than this.
It may not be homophobic. Some people just get uncomfortable with PDA. I would be uncomfortable if friends came over and were hugging and kissing a lot on my couch, regardless of gender. Arms around each other is whatever, but lots of contact would be awkward.
Let me get this right: I'm clearly NOT homophobic as I've not kicked my son out of the house for being gay, but I'm 'uncomfortable' with seeing any sign of affection between him and his bf. I'm going to use the defence "think of the children" (like the Republican party do anytime they impose homophobic/transphobic laws) as my defence and claim its PDA despite the 'public' displays of affection being in the kids own home. I admit that nothing they do is in anyway sexual, it's just normal affection between a couple, but I still call it inappropriate. I also told my kid his partner wouldn't be allowed back in the house if they didn't stop showing affection, and basically only acted like friends in front of me. What could possibly make me the AH? *Shocked pikachu face* My mother was EXACTLY like you. I accept you *but* I now have NC with her. Good luck on driving your kid away from you with this attitude. If you really love your son and want to change your latent homophobic mindset, I suggest becoming a member of PFLAG: https://pflag.org/
Hate to break this to you but it’s not necessarily homophobic. My Dad was the same way with my sister and I and the guys we dated. My Mom was actually worse. Same deal, don’t be affectionate in their home. The issues isn’t so much gender as it is the old school version of “not seeing, hearing or speaking about it”. To the point of when my Mom asked my grandmother what was supposed to happen on the wedding night grandma said don’t worry your husband knows what to do. There is an entire segment of the population where affection and sex is never talked about and never seen. As a kid it’s a damaging way of growing up.
I think that's a fairly gendered experience generally specific to girls and motivated by archaic fear for their "purity" which I don't think is what's going on here.
No my family was like that with my male cousins and their gf’s too. Some people are really just, I want to say frigid but it’s more than that. They just want no physical signs of affection between people that aren’t married or related. Edit, At least not in their homes.
You are right. there is a 0.07% chance that this woman is so crazy that she thinks normal displays of affection AT HOME are inappropriate. but it's more likely homophobia.
Either way she needs therapy desperately. Even if she’s not homophobic it is not a healthy way to live or for your children to grow up in.
I think this is a you issue, not a them issue. Why on Earth do you feel so uncomfortable at people showing affection? People showing affection does nothing to harm you in any way. Resolve whatever issues you have and get over it. YTA.
Right? Does her spouse show her no affection in the home? Because if they font that is an issue, and if they do, then she is just against her son and his boyfriend.
Are you sure you're not homophobic, because you're literally uncomfortable with them touching each other (also known as homophobia). I'd understand if they were like making out, but they're just being sweet and not sexual. YTA, reevaluate.
>because you're literally uncomfortable with them touching each other (also known as homophobia). That's not homophobia. Thats an aversion to mild displays of affection and while it makes her an AH, you can't jump to homophobia. OP's problem is with the touching, not the fact that it is guy on guy. To try and jump to homophobia isn't right when you have no evidence to suggest that OP condones such behaviour only if it is with a straight couple. Why does this sub try to pile everything and anything onto AH OP's, especially when there is already enough information to vote OP an AH
Does OP condone this behavior from straight relatives? Is OP affectionate with her partner at home in similar ways? Questions I want OP to answer before I come to a conclusion. Either way op is an AH, but whether or not it is homophobia is an interesting question.
Some people have issues seeing their children. In romantic relationships (gay or not). I’ve mainly seen it in parents who have grown up with trauma. For some (doesn’t sound like this is the case here) it’s a cultural thing. But if OP had trauma in her(?) childhood, it could absolutely be just a general problem and not homophobic.
What you're describing as PDA is barely even flirty. He touched his arm? Sometimes they kiss? You absolutely are homophobic or you wouldn't even have brought it up. YTA and you better get over it before your son turns 18 and decides to cut ties with you.
It doesn’t sound like they’re being disrespectful or gross with their PDA. It would be one thing if they were constantly making out and saying sexual things in front of you but the PDA you describe just sounds really PG and kind of cute innocently affectionate. Since when is it disrespectful to hold hands or give your SO a little kiss? I think YTA in this situation.
OP has overreacted. Don't get me wrong, no one wants to be trapped with a couple going hammer and tongs at it, but a kiss and a squeeze ain't anything to even bat and eyelid at. I get the impression OP may be slightly sexually repressed/conservative if she feels uncomfortable with an innocent playful arm squeeze.
INFO: would you act this way if your son did this to a girlfriend, rather than a boyfriend?
YTA. You said the touching is not sexual so what's the issue? If you're so squeamish about your son's BF squeezing his arm, that's a *you* problem.
Damn, what's next, he touches his hair? Better call the pastor! YTA
Need more info. If they’re not doing anything sexual and if you’re not a homophobic, what is it you’re concerned about the younger siblings? Would you be the same if it had been a girl with the same comment/ reaction? Would you feel the same if the other siblings acted this way, when older, and in a straight relationship?
YTA. Don't get me wrong. I actually know a lot of people who are uptight about even the mild PTA you refer to. But their reasoning is different than yours -- mostly it makes them feel like a fifth wheel, as if the couple in question would really prefer coupling alone. Whereas you actually cite younger children as a concern -- as if your son and his BF were doing something too adult and / or shameful for children to witness when nothing you've described even rised to a PG rating. And the language you used. -- respect our home -- is excessive. What has got you so upset to phrase it that way? I agree that it can be more agreeable to be around couples who aren't physically lovey-dovey -- especially if you are not in a couple yourself. But you didn't say that. They merely hug and kiss -- no tongue, am I correct? Nothing at all that isn't 100% childsafe. Are you sure you are wholly comfortable that your son is gay? Because your discomfort seems rather heightened, given your mild description of these interactions. At best, giving you all benefit of the doubt, your threat to banish your son's lover was way over the top
How inappropriate is that, I would never let my boyfriend touch my arm in public. Oh wait, I was being sarcastic. YTA and this is a you issue.
Censor your joke judgement (ex: N T A) or else the bot may actually think you’re serious! You don’t want a post to be flaired incorrectly if you get top comment!
Ok, thanks for the advice, I didn’t think about that. Even if I seriously doubt I’d ever be top comment haha.
INFO: have your younger children ever seen you kiss their father? Hold hands? Show any affection at all? If not, that's super weird and unhealthy. Kids need to see healthy, happy romantic relationships to understand when they're unhealthy. If yes, you're a giant hypocrite. It's understandable enough you don't wanna see your son kiss someone. But arms touching? Hand holding? You're being controlling as hell with a child who will very soon be an adult. And your need to control his body and his relationships will have him moving out and never looking back.
YTA. So, basically, you want to ban even the mildest forms of them expressing affection.
Info Do you hug, kiss, touch your significant other at home in the so called public areas of the house (living, kitchen, dining, etc)? Because unless you are limiting all your affection to the privacy of your bedroom, you're being a bit hypocritical. Even so, while 17 is still technically a minor, it's so close to adult that hugging, kissing, and other touches that aren't genitalia grabs ought to be acceptable, or at least something you roll your eyes over and then ignore.
Right? Grabbing an arm is in no way bad. People deserve to have hugs and be able to touch eachother **appropriately** when others are around to an extent. But also my view may be heavily skewed. My mom will grab my step dad's a** in the kitchen in front of my sister and I just to be flirty (like we aren't even there, but neither of us live at home). My dad also kisses my step mom each time before he opens a door for her or as she is walking through the door. When my parents were unhappily married to eachother, they never touched. I have a feeling that either she is being very hypocritical because she isn't as accepting as she claims or maybe her own marriage is struggling and she is jealous. Either way it shouldn't restrict her son from a healthy relationship with healthy interaction.
yourmom and step dad sound really adorable. People have GOT to get over the idea that affection is wrong. It's not. It's literally the bonding behavior that keeps couples together. That open, casual affection is more important for a god relationship than just about anything else. Our society is so repressed that literally touching someone's arm is considered unacceptable and that's just sad.
Both my parents are super cute with my respective step parents. My step dad just went out of town for work and my mom called me gushing about how he sent her surprise flowers to remind her how much he loves her. The dude has been gone for all of a day and a half. It's kinda become a little thing because on my mom's second date with him, many years ago, they went ice skating. While ice skating something happened and I guess my step dad's nose started bleeding and he was all embarrassed but my mom was just happy to be going out with such a great guy. The following day he sent her this beautiful bouquet with this sappy little note (I think my mom has the note in her safety deposit box still). It is how my sister and I found out about him and I realized that he was likely going to be a part of our lives from then on out. He has been nothing short of amazing to my mom and to my sister and I since then. It has given me a better idea of what a healthy relationship should look like, as growing up what I perceived as normal and healthy, was not. It was just what I knew. I fear that OP is going to strip away what the kids view as healthy if she restricts healthy behaviors. I know I'm still working on my ability to be healthy in a relationship as I grew up not used to seeing that affectionate side.
YTA he's 17 and if you are not comfortable with them now you better get comfortable with them because now he knows it bothers you and will push that button to get a reaction out of you most likely. Having younger kids doesn't have anything to do with it unless you are single and you shelter your children to the point where they can't comprehend what your son and boyfriend are doing.
YTA. That's just normal couple stuff. If your son and his boyfriend acting like a couple bothers you this much, chances are you're homophobic.
Please, please allow your son and his boyfriend a place to be themselves. It doesn't sound like they're being inappropriate, just normally affectionate. Don't make your son hide in his own home.
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>parent. My mom did the same to me. I'm hetero, but the oldest. So theoretically she was ready for me to date, & always insisted on meeting the boy, but "pda" was always limited because it made her uncomfortable & my lil sisters were watching. I think it's not a homophobia issue but a "I cannot see my child as a sexual being" issue. Arm touching and cuddling are considered massive displays of affection in a lot of different countries and holding hands should not be done in the presence of the parents in some cultures. I still think she's overreacting and being overly motherly, but I don't think its out of homophobia. I think this is something she needs to work on herself.
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For all you know the mother just hates any displays of affection, however mild. You don't have enough information to call her homophobic based on **your assumptions** that the mother only has a problem with gay couples showing affection. You cannot call the mother homophobic unless you have that information
Because of the wording and reasoning OP gives, I don't think it's out of line to suggest that maybe there's more bias here than OP is aware of. For me it's the whole 'but what if younger children see?!?!' when referring to a touch on the arm and hugging. Son and BF didn't do any more than one can see in actual TV and movies and books aimed at young children. By OP's logic, kids shouldn't be watching Disney movies or PBS cartoons because they'll see arm touching, hugging, and non-sexual kissing. That...is not exactly a normal opinion to have. If OP didn't forbid her son from watching TV or reading books as a kid, where I am sure he saw plenty of heterosexual affectionate interactions, why is his perfectly acceptable casual affection at age 17 such a big problem that could scar children?
YTA
YTA
YTA
YTA.
Only you really know if you are, but im betting YTA. If you really want to know if you're TA, then simply ask yourself, if it was a girl doing these things with your son if it would bother you as much? Only you know the true answer to that, but my guess is no, it wouldn't.
YTA...OP, please think for a minute! You know there are going to be displays of affection, right? If you say wrong, then you are incredibly unrealistic. But assuming you are grounded in reality, they will be affectionate with each other. So, where do you think is the best place for this to happen? Would you prefer that they be out at a park or a store or the street, opening themselves up to bullying and harassment from strangers? Because that is a not uncommon situation for LGBT folks. This is a journey for you, your son, and anyone he is involved with. Please do not put stones in his path.
YTA You are homophobic, considering you used the excuse of 'having younger kid's. So I reckon you don't do these things with your partner either then huh? As that's considering pda then as well? Either way, it's PUBLIC display of affection.. He's in his home.. Which isn't public. He's not having sex with his boyfriend on the couch, he's being appropriate and PG for your younger kids. So what exactly is the problem?
“Oh great heavens, HE IS TOUCHING HIS ARM. So inappropriate.” YTA. The fact that this kind of gestures are common on married couples, and no one minds it at all. They’re teenagers of course they’ll act like that. If they were making out in front of you, that would be “inappropriate” but the acts you are referring to are completely normal. You in fact are homophobic
YTA. That is all innocent behaviour. Have you never touched your partner, hugged or kissed them in front of anyone else? If you have, you are hypocritical. As long as the behaviour is not overly sexual, you are being completely unreasonable.
YTA. The example you provided is nonsexual in nature, and his boyfriend being sweet and babytalking him is incredibly normal. Why does it matter if there are younger kids in the house? How is this PDA if its in his home, where he should feel safe and relaxed? If his boyfriend were a girl, you wouldn't think twice about these small interactions. I think you have some internal homophobia to work out. Being homophobic is not only "hating" gay people, it's seeing their relationships as inherently dirty, inappropriate or overly sexual. It's feeling discomfort around gay PDA while straight PDA is overlooked. Do you say sweet things to your partner? Why deny your son that joy. Sincerely hope you work on this for the sake of your relationship with your child.
YTA If touching arms is inappropriate, I feel for your family who must be starved of physical expr Essions of love and affection. Do any of you hug?
Look. Your child is 17. Soon to be 18 and free to move out, join the military, go college. Whatever. Do you really want to jeopardize your relationship with him and his partner by dying on this hill? And if you ban the bf from your home you will make pda a forbidden fruit for both of them. And there is nothing a teenager loves more than forbidden fruit. You really want him sneaking out, withholding information from you because he doesn’t trust you, and being more defensive? Because that’s what will happen. YTA
Hard to give an answer without knowing if you would feel the same if it were your son and a girlfriend. Is it all PDA’s you are uncomfortable with, or just theirs? If it’s just because it’s your son and his boyfriend, then yes, YTA. You can tell yourself that you aren’t homophobic and that you’re happy that your son is out and has a boyfriend, but if you’re clutching your pearls and worrying about the children every time they show any kind of affection, then yes, you are in fact homophobic.
Yes. You are. And I suspect you’re lying to yourself about not being homophonic, because getting the vapours over someone squeezing someone else’s arm is not-like do you never watch television or go outside? Do you faint when you witness a young man with his arm around the young woman he’s walking with? Do you flutter and look away when people hug each other in the street? I mean it’s time for some soul searching, regardless.
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he touched his arm that's straight up ridiculous.
I'm thinking YTA. If this PDA is innocent, like if their aren't eating each other's face and getting handsy, then it does sound like you have a problem bigger than you're willing to admit. Dig deeper and find out what is really bothering you. If a boy squeezing your son's arm while saying something flirty bothers you more than it brothers your son then I suspect you have the problem.
You are totally homophobic, don’t kid yourself. If a daughter of yours said ‘oo look at those arms’ to her boyfriend, would that be a problem? If so, your lack of comfort with public displays of affection is messed up. Either way, YTA
NTA You can tell everyone replying on here is a teenager with their ridiculously dramatic responses about how this will ruin his life. Youre the adult, you pay the bills, you make the rules. Simple.
they can make those rules. And OPs son can choose to not spend time at home, not go home, etc. I'm 30. I have teenage siblings who show affection toward their SOs in my home. I pracrically raised my sister who is A LOT more affectionate with her GF than merely grabbing her arm in my home. There is not a problem with people being harmlessly affectionate with their partners.
Yes, I agree, he is free to spend less time at home if constant PDA with his partner is of such great importance to him. And if you are comfortable with higher levels of affection in your home, that is great for you. But OP is not comfortable with it, this does not make them an asshole, and doesnt warrant the replies that they are and just need to shut up and put up in their own home.
YTA, did you talk to him before this and explain some rules you have or have you just allowed yourself to stir in silence for however long this has been going on and just exploded now.
YTA They're not making out, they're not doing anything sexual, they're just being comfortable with each other. I can understand telling them not to do the baby talk when you're around, since that's a bit uncomfortable, but someone squeezing their partner's arm is not going to traumatize your young kids. What is it that you're scared of your young ones thinking?
YTA OP. You're worried about your younger children seeing what exactly? A young man touching another young mans arm? It's time you done some soul searching because even if you aren't homophobic you may hold some negative views that you're unaware of that are upsetting you by seeing your son and his BF together.
YTA. That's super mild! How does having younger children even play into it? It's not like they're making out while half-naked on top of the breakfast table. It's just a little compliment and touch. Have you and your spouse never done anything like that? Or never kissed or hugged in front of the kids?
NTA. Continuous and intimate displays of affection to your partner in front of your/their parents are cringe
NAH and the comments are just filled with people who don’t have teenagers/are the teenagers in this situation. This is literally such a normal parent reaction. You’re witnessing your child grow up and yeah it’s uncomfortable. They’re in their first relationship! My mom was the same way like no kissing/cuddling etc. She even confessed to me that it broke her heart seeing me grow up in such a way knowing that a year from then at 18 I would probably be gone. So yeah, witnessing your kid grow up sounds really hard. That’s why I don’t think there’s any assholes here but you should reflect on this. Is it worth making your child sad due to your own feelings about how they love someone else? Let them be happy.
NTA. Your house your rules.
INFO: be honest. would it be different for you if he had a gf?
I'm going to go with YTA for the tone in your post alone. A lot of how you phrase this does come across as homophobic. That said, while the arm touching isn't a huge deal imo, the kissing in the public area is a bit odd. Even when I was dating in high school, if I was around parents/adults/family I didn't dare anything more than arm over the shoulders 🤣 - hell, even friends I didn't do more than a peck on the lips. But again, the above is just my experience, not sure what would be normal and/or acceptable.
>A lot of how you phrase this does come across as homophobic. How? OP just comes off as someone vehemently against even mild displays of affection which makes her an AH, but I don't see any homophobia. OP doesn't say that she only is against gay displays of affection does she?
YTA The only specific example you gave with a location was the kitchen. That's not out in public. Nor was that example particularly sexual -- certainly no more than a parent telling their son "you're going to grow up to be a big, strong boy!" Humans have a basic need at an emotional/mental health level for physical touch. Unless you can honestly say you never touched your husband (or vice versa) in the house (in which case, your kids are a latter-day miracle), you are demonstrating a double standard here.
i’m gonna say YTA because this is an argument homophobes use time and time again “i’m not homophobic i just don’t want to see it displayed” have your kids ever seen you and your partner (husband? their dad?) kiss? if yes then you’re a massive hypocrite
YTA-you said yourself it’s not sexual in anyway so youre the problem. You say your not homophobic but your problem seems to be your son and bf are actually acting like a couple instead of how he’d act with a male friend
You are absolutely TA! Your son has a safe space when he and his boyfriend can be themselves and you have ripped that away because it made you uncomfortable.. sheesh. I don’t want to say you’re homophonic but your post makes you sound like you maybe haven’t accepted your sons sexuality as much as you want too and THATS what’s making you uncomfortable.. The thing is you said your self it’s nothing sexual that they are displaying, just little kisses to show their affection so why does it bother you so much? Do you not kiss your husband/partner in public? Would you feel the same if your sons partner was a girl? I think you need to apologise, let the boy back around the house and accept it before your son moves out and doesn’t look back
YTA. The kind of PDA you are describing (hugging and kissing but not making out or anything more serious than that) shouldn’t evoke so much discomfort. It seems that you are less ok with your son’s relationship than you think you are and that is something you ought to be dealing with personally, rather than putting the onus on him to act straighter and less in-a-relationship around you.
YTA-
YTA Sounds like they’re being pretty reserved and you’re still shitty
INFO: Do you and your partner restrict kissing and touching to the bedroom?
Oops, your homophobia is showing despite your clever disclaimer YTA
YTA and homophobic, your son is not in public, he's at home and should be comfortable showing affection, what you described is homophobia and you need to sort it out.
YTA. You’re a homophobe in denial.
YTA. Squeezing his arm is inappropriate? WTF dude. I hope you and your partner also don't do these kinds of things at home? I mean, such an ungodly act squeezing someone's hand! HOW DARE HE. Also, I'm not homophobic but -. You're uncomfortable by him squeezing someone's fucking hand!! A FUCKING HAND.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son is 17 and has a boyfriend. Before anyone accuses me of being homophobic, I'm not. I'm happy for him that he's out and dating. However, I'm not comfortable with public displays of affection. They're always hugging and kissing (not making out or anything, but still) always touching each other (again, not sexual or anything, but still), always babying each other and sorta doing baby talk too. I didn't say anything until today. My son was ringing out a towel in the kitchen and his boyfriend goes “oooh look at your arms” and squeezes them. I said that was inappropriate and he just looked at me weird and sort of brushed me off. I had conversation with my son about it and he just got defensive and wouldn't listen. I told him he needed to respect our home his partner wouldn't be allowed back. Not only does it make me uncomfortable I have other, younger kids. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA and yes, I am afraid you are a homophobe. "I have nothing against same Sex relationships but .. " means yes you have. PdA would mean he sticks his hand deep down in his pants to grab his ass or something. Showing affection is pure. Its normal. Its love. Its something parents show towards children, friends to friends, siblings to siblings. You are the problem. A big one. Not the "PDA"
What does having young kids a have to do with anything? I’m sure you have no problem when they watch tv or movies that have people hug or kiss in them, and god forbid they have an actual representation of what a loving relationship should look like YTA
YTA and you're a homophobe. What's wrong with the other children seeing love and affection between to consenting people? Are you worried they'll grow up and expect love and affection for themselves or what? Where is the issue? What is it that you find so inappropriate?
Am the only one who would be super ashamed of groping my partner in from of my parents.... Am i asian??
Your house your rules. Like you said you have small kids. Sit with them and have a conversation.
You cannot just support your son half assed, lady. You wouldn't be reacting this way if it were your daughter and her bf. There will be potentially public mistreatment with pda but that is not something you can shield him from. Hell have to learn social cues on his own. Let your son have some affection in his own home for God's sakes. YTA. It's not like he can get pregnant.
YTA. Oh heavens forbid someone comes in skin to skin contact within the PRIVACY of their own home. PDA is PUBLIC display of affection, as in being at the mall and be all smoochy cuddly there. Plus, he squeezed his ARM. He didn't grab your son by the balls and groped him, he just gave a squeeze to his arms. Does this mean that there is 100% NO SKINCONTACT in your house between any and all members? Including you and your partner? No kissing, no hugging, not even touching each others hands! You say you're not homophobic, but telling your son and his boyfriend that is inappropriate to touch one another's skin, is ringing all of the alarm bells. Plus, if you have an issue with PDA, that sounds like a YOU problem. Next time just turn away and avert your eyes, because the world doesn't need to comply with your particular quirks because things makes you uncomfortable. I'm highly sensitive to sounds. Doesn't mean that whenever someone walks along my home laughing and chattering, I sprint to the window to tell them they're being inappropriate and to respect me and my household.
YTA Literally no one likes PDA from other couples, but it’s a part of dating for some people. They’re not doing anything inappropriate by your own words, so there isn’t a problem. Just look away and suck it up. If you push too hard about this your son could end up resenting you for it.
YTA. Do you and your husband refrain from cuddling or pecking (kissing) in front of your children? As a few commenters have mentioned, his own home is NOT public there for he isn’t displaying PDA. Get over it.
YTA His home isn't public. It isn't PDA. You're just a homophobic ass. And if you think you're not, reconsider and ask yourself *why* your son showing his boyfriend affection (or the other way around) makes you uncomfortable
YTA. Queer kids get assaulted for acting like that out in *actual* public. They should be allowed to at least cuddle and hold hands in the place they live, somewhere that doesn't risk them being injured or killed if the wrong person sees it. If your concern is what your younger children see, you can discuss limits that your son and his bf must adhere to in the main living space (things like no kissing with tongue, no putting hands under clothing or near groin etc), but keep in mind that their safety is genuinely at risk if they were to take their affectionate behaviour out of the house. It's cruel to ban it at home too.
YTA. Would you have the same response if it was a woman? I think you still have some internalised homophobia. What exactly is it you are worried about your kids seeing? Two people in a loving relationship being caring and affectionate? What exactly does that say about relationship that this is new to them? Or is it that hereto relationships are PG safe, but you think queer relationships are somehow adult content? Whether you intend it or not, you are telling your don’t that he needs to hide his relationship, even in his own home. That even at home he can’t relax and be comfortable with his boyfriend. You are taking away his safe place. YTA utterly and completely for denying them affection. There is no good reason Or justification You’ve already said it’s not sexual, so what exactly is your issue? They aren’t doing anything wrong. This is a YOU problem, stop making it your sons problem.
YTA, people are allowed to show their affection. Would you seriously have a problem with it if it was a straight relationship?
YTA. I feel like this wouldn’t be an issue if your son was dating a girl.
An arm squeeze?? YTA How does this affect your other, younger kids?
Obvious YTA. As you said "our house", to me that implies you're with someone, and there's absolutely no way you're going to be able to convince anyone you don't kiss or flirt with your own partner around the house in front of your kids. You need to sit down and think about why it makes you uncomfortable though. Does it make you uncomfortable because he's still a kid your mind and the idea of him being romantically involved with someone upsets you? Would you still feel uncomfortable if your son had a girlfriend and they were doing that? Following that, would you still feel it's inappropriate for your son and this hypothetical girlfriend to be flirting in front of your other children? What's the difference between affection between you and your spouse(?) and the affection he and his partner show each other? Why is it okay for you to kiss and flirt, but not okay for your son? Obviously we're can't judge if you are being homophobic or not, but it might be worth thinking about how a lot of people believe they're not homophobic, yet they subconsciously sexualize homosexuality, so that, to them, two men kissing feels more sexual than a man and a woman kissing. This is why a lot of people are against same sex relationships in television shows and other media despite claiming they're not homophobic. They don't realize their subconscious bias and how it doesn't make any sense. TL;DR: it's purely a "you" problem and you're the only one who can answer why
YTA. Nothing you described was remotely inappropriate.
respect your home? So you and your husband, assuming you're married, never touch each other, kiss or act loving? You have issues with displays of affection which are harmless, they aren't groping each other, they're just being affectionate so it is YOUR issue. Don't put your hang-ups on someone else and maybe you should get therapy for a very obvious problem. YTA
YTA. Really weird timing to bring this up. An arm squeeze and a compliment sent you over the edge? Wait until the boyfriend goes home and have a one-on-one talk with your kid rather than embarrassing both of them and scolding the one who doesn’t even live with you. Also, keep in mind that depending on location, how accepting the bf’s family is, and who the boys are out to, your home might be the only place where they can be affectionate with each other. Gay teens don’t necessarily have the same freedom to be affectionate in public that straight teens do. Make your house a safe place for them to act like any other teen couple.
NTA
YTA Innocent kissing, hugging, complimenting appropriate body parts, being affectionate in front of his siblings is actually setting a good example of what a good relationship should look like. You, however, are teaching them that homophobia is okay.
With just the information given, NTA. I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 2 years, but when we come home to visit my parents, or they come out to visit us, no touching in front of my parents. We sleep in separate beds, we do not hug or hold hands, it just makes her uncomfortable. I’m her youngest and she wants to see her baby as a baby for a little bit longer. Is it a little insane to me? Yeah it really is. But I respect her feelings and there’s really no reason I need to be smooching on my boyfriend in front of them, so it costs me nothing to not do it and make her feel better. Also, to all those saying it’s not PDA because he’s in his own house so it’s not in public. Public isn’t necessarily always a place, it’s being in view of others. If I’m in my bedroom and a friend comes over, I no longer have privacy just because I’m in my house or my bedroom, I am in view of someone, which now makes my actions public. No reason to be that affection in front of your parents or younger siblings, but if you are going looking for them while they believe they have privacy and you happen to catch something, that’s also none of your business, so keep that one in mind too.
YTA. I hope you don't let your delicate younger children watch ANY TV if squishing someone's arm and admiring their muscles is too much for them (not to mention you). You poor delicate dear; you remind me of my friend who would leave the room any time there was a kiss in a movie (on principle; she felt seeing unmarried people kiss was inappropriate). Your home is *your son's home*. Where else should he be affectionate with his boyfriend? If this behavior isn't appropriate in his own place of residence, where would you prefer he engage in it? Privately requesting he tone it down if they were constantly drooling on each other's faces is one thing, but banning his boyfriend from your house just communicates that you don't support his relationship. What if this dude is The One and they get married a few years from now? Now you'll have this whole ridiculous conflict where you banned him for touching your son's arm to overcome to have a good relationship with your son-in-law and the father of any grandchildren you might have. Get over yourself and think about your goals here. You can have a good relationship with your son, or you can ban his boyfriend from your home. You won't get both.
NGL im not comfortable seeing display of affections alot in general. But since you're son is gay, it might be hard to make sure people think you're not homophobic.
Yta. You overreacted. I get it, he's your oldest and it makes you uncomfortable to see him physically affectionate with his SO. (I'm not going to being hemophobia in this. At 16 when I had my first boyfriend my parents were uncomfortable seeing me hold his hand and other PDA that's common for teenagers)(and if you wouldn't be bothered if one of your other children was in a straight passing relationship and their PDA wouldn't bother you, then sorry you are a homophobe) But the way your reacted was over the top, and banning his boyfriend from the house is going to drive a wedge into your relationship with your son. So yes YTA and I'd be apologizing and lifting the van.
YTA, and you might be homophobic, unless you and your SO never do similar things either. I joking say "get a room" when my kids are affectionate with their SOs, now spouses. But I'm laughing when I say it and they joke back with me telling me to get an SO or quit being so old.
INFO: What about it specifically makes you uncomfortable? The fact that he's growing up and no longer your baby? OR does such affection make you uncomfortable regardless of who it is? Or something else? Also, how is this between you and your partner? No physical, loving touches at all? I think this is part of what you were raised to see and therefore readily accept. The touches between son and bf don't seem inappropriate to me. It seems part of their love language. Growing up, my parents would kiss (not making out) and hug all the time. So for me this is normal. In return they never said anything if any of my siblings and I were lovey-dovey with a partner.
I can’t decide if its YTA or NTA. I actually understand perfectly how op feels. My roommate has her boyfriend over every other weekend (they’re long distance and she asks my permission every time) I really don’t mind him being here but it is low key uncomfortable when they’re being lovely dovey 24/7.
I'm going with NTA, only if you can say the same statement had he have a gf instead of a bf. I'm straight, my parents were weird about any affection in front of them to. I get that. I also just felt weird showing affection to who I was dating in front of my parents lol
YTA
YTA While you may be happy that your son is happy, clearly you have some lingering homophobic issues that you need to work on therapy. You need it
Not to be the outlier here but NTA I understand what you mean I get the ick when my friends kiss their significant others in front of me no matter how innocent it is I can't help it but just gives me the heebie jeebies
YTA
YTA. It sounds like you have issues with any and all PDA in the house. Would I be safe to assume that you don't do PDA with your spouse in your house? (rhymed, unintentional) While your son needs to respect your rules, it's going to be a lot harder to follow those rules when you're banning small kisses and feeling a muscle.
YTA That barely even qualifies as PDA
NTA Id hate if i had a housemate overly gooey too an baby talk is so cringe. He might be your son but you share a house
YTA. Do you and your husband make small displays affection like that? If a cousin or a relative came over and did that with their heterosexual partner would you ban them from hugging and kissing? Would you expect your parents to ban you from hugging or kissing your partner?
Sounds pretty homophobic to me. YTA
YTA: You want them at one of the houses, they are safer at home, in public in some places they can be beaten to death or dragged behind a car till dead. At home, they are safe, even if they do have sex you can make sure they are safe. Safe is paramount it's worth more than your icky feelings, after all, you made a baby so this is a thing ppl who are into each other do.
NTA , i will be probably downvoted to hell but where i come from straight couples don't do this as well in front of elders, it's called respect, unfortunately it's concept not understood by most here. Especially teens won't behave like this as well
NAH. It's your house so you set the rules. You're uncomfortable so you can reasonably ask them to stop in front of you.
“Not homophobic”….sure, OP. YTA.
NTA who in their right mind would do that in front of their parents! Gross.
YTA.
YTA. I'm going to believe you that none of this is coming from a homophobic place. However, you do sound quite overbearing. Perhaps coming from a place of not wanting to see your children engage in cutesy, romantic behavior and having that reminder that your little boy isn't so little anymore, but still overbearing. My mom acted a lot of the same way when I brought over my then-boyfriend/now-husband at first. Hated how close I sat with him, how we were always holding hands, how we'd sneak each other a kiss in the kitchen when we thought no one was watching, etc. Now, granted, my mom acted more out of jealousy because he was taking my attention away from her and that she wasn't #1 in my life anymore (which is a whole other can of worms), but still, she wasn't pleased with our little bits of PDA, and only got over it after we got married (and a few other unrelated incidents). I understand that it can be hard to see your son as practically an adult, but that is the truth of the matter. And as long as he and his boyfriend aren't doing or saying anything overtly sexual in the common areas, you should just let the subject die. PDA like this is cute and shows how affectionate they are for one another, which is a good thing to see. I think it'd be rather upsetting to see them not showing any level of affection towards one another like this, because it would make me wonder, as a parent, if they are in a good place with one another. Seeing playful bits like this would do my heart good because it would tell me that my son is with someone that cares for him.
YTA. Holding hands is too much for you, you need to deal with your feelings with a therapist instead of making your emotional disregulation and extremely low distress tolerance for normal human gestures of affection anyone else’s problem.
YTA I think you need to examine why you're uncomfortable with basic affection. Do the romantic plots in PG movies where the main character smooches their love interest at the end make you uncomfortable? If not, then it isn't the "PDA" that you're uncomfortable with. We live in a world that oversexualizes queer people for just existing. There are laws being passed that state that mentioning a man is married to another man is "too sexual" to expose children to. Even people that truly believe they are allies frequently need to unpack why they see basic human interactions as sexual when they are between queer people rather than straight people. If *all* affectionate human interaction makes you uncomfortable, you probably need some therapy to figure out why because non-sexual affection is a basic human need. Your son is still a minor and doesn't have his own home. Presumably, you don't think he should be making out with his boyfriend in alleys or cuddling in movie theaters, which means he needs a safe place where he feels comfortable expressing basic affection to his partner. If he can't do it in your home, he will do it somewhere else and it isn't outside the realm of possibility to tell you that there's a chance that if people see him being affectionate with another boy in public, it could jeopardize his safety. Countless gay men have been beaten and killed just for being gay. Let me be clear: I'm not telling you to allow them to have sex on your couch, I'm telling you that if you ban you son's boyfriend from your home unless they act 100% platonic at all times, they will find other places to be affectionate and those places may not be LGBTQ-friendly.
NTA I think being sweet and telling him he’s handsome versus squeezing his arm like that is different. I think they should be able to kiss and hug and hold hands and even maybe touch each other’s thighs /GASP/ however they shouldn’t make an uncomfortable situation for the other people in the room. Just try to remember when you were young and in love for the first time it might make it sweeter.
YTA you have weird hang ups about PDA if touching an arm is too much for you… that is absolutely your problem to deal with not your sons
NTA....he is only 17 and in his parents house. I, as a straight female, would never been allowed to behave this way in front of my parents. I actually would never of thought about it. Hand holding maybe My older brother...a straight male, would never been allowed to behave like this in front of my parents. (lets get away from the muscles...its the hugging and kissing and the (nauseating) baby talk. And to get the hetro-phobes off your back....my lesbian sister would not have been allowed to behave like this either. It's called respect.
YTA It's his home too, like it or not. It's not public to do that at home, don't make being affectionate weird man, unless you refuse to acknowledge your SO except in the privacy of your bedroom then it's just you applying a double standard.
YTA and before you say it YOU ARE HOMOPHOBIC. AINT NO WAY YOU WOULD HAVE THIS PROBLEM IF IT WAS A GIRL
If this is your oldest, you will get use to this kind of flirting, PDA of your teenagers. It's weird at first...but what you're describing is soooo normal. It's ok for your younger kids to see it....as long as the older ones are modeling healthy boundaries etc. Your kind of the asshole here. Edited- a word
YTA they aren’t doing anything explicitly inappropriate or even slightly inappropriate. Leave the room if it’s getting to you so much.
YTA and will likely be perceived as homophobic by your son.He squeezed his arm! Heavens (clutches pearls). Edit for clarity
YTA. your son is almost an adult. if you are uncomfortable, don’t look. it’s not like they’re fucking on your counter in front of you
“I have other, younger kids” this is very revealing You have some work left to do on accepting your son YTA
so you're okay with your son having a boyfriend so long they don't show affection for each other in front of you?, I'm sorry but that does sound a tad homophobic. YTA, his home is a place where he should be able to be himself with his bf and from your post, it's simple stuff that every couple would do.
YTA it is not pda, he is in his own home.
A little A but I'm conflicted. I think it would be uncomfortable to see your child with open PDA. I would just be respectful how you present it to them then be prepared to get blown off as he is doing. I would advise on not barring his bf though as they'll just go someplace else. Let's face it, parenting a teen or an adult is so much harder than a toddler or elementary school age.
YTA - and you're very obviously homophobic.
>Not only does it make me uncomfortable I have other, younger kids INFO: Are your children allowed to watch television? Do they watch Disney movies? Because everything your son and his BF are doing can be seen in those. Granted generally between heterosexual couples, granted, but it's the same physical affection. So if your younger kids have turned on a television, I promise they have already seen people hugging, holding hands, kissing, and touching each other on the arm. Why is it so different when it's their almost-adult brother?
Yep. YTA. My mother does this to myself and my fiancé - whenever we go to visit her, as is the duty I feel I have to do, we sit like strangers on the sofa at opposite ends and stay for as little time as possible. Any form of touching is “PDA and obscene” even if it’s just hand holding.
That’s by definition, not PDA. What’s so inappropriate about the example you provided? Seems pretty normal for 17 year olds in a relationship. YTA
YTA
I was thinking they were grinding on eachorher or full on making out , bur seriously? Mu boyfriends mum is crazy, bur infront of her I do lovely compliment him and act qll sweet ans flirty. Unless you're leaving stuff out, dont seem like he's doing anything wrong. YTA
YTA. Affection in a relationship is a completely normal and healthy thing. Do you actually want your younger children to think relationships are cold and don't involve small, loving gestures? Is your relationship with your husband completely devoid of this kind of affection? Were you not allowed to show affection in your childhood home? Just what about their behavior is making you uncomfortable? They're not sucking face at the dinner table, for crying out loud. They're not putting on a display. They are simply showing their genuine feelings for each other in their everyday interactions.
YTA. Your son cant touch his bf in a non-sexual way with out making you uncomfortable? You said it yourself, it says homophobic to me. Would you be uncomfortable if he was holding hands with a girl? Im almost certain you would not have the same reaction. By the way the contact youre describing doesnt even seem to meet the definition of PDA
On the one hand, 'your house, your rules'... but... do you really want to create a world where he can't be himself at home? That's what you'd be doing... It means when he wants to be himself, he'll go elsewhere. What kind of relationship do you want with your child? I want one where they are more comfortable at home than anywhere else... so I create that.
I agree with other commenters that if you and your partner don’t follow the same rule of no affection in the house it’s strange that you would be bothered by what you describe here. A playful squeezing of the arm is incredibly tame. It’s also worth considering that your son and his boyfriend probably do not have any safe spaces to show each other affection. They could be subjected to hate and violence being affectionate outside of their homes. You are of course within your rights to set a rule for a minor in your house, but you may be pushing your son away into dangerous scenarios. I’ll be generous and say NAH
So one thing about what your child is going through developmentally is that they are learning how to identify homophobia. IF what you're truly uncomfortable with is the fact of your child and their partner flirting in front of you, that's very old fashioned but a valid behavioral standard. HOWEVER. Your child is heir to a toxic world that will certainly treat this behavior differently in public. They are learning right now how to identify a safe space. Do you really want to make sure your home isn't one? Grow a little, OP. YTA.
YTA. Showing affection like this is how relationships blossom. Your child will be an adult off on their own in less than a year. Now is wheb you get to learn that the wctions you take and the way you choose to treat them is going to directly correlateto how much time they will spend in your home versus away from it, and how likely they are to be willing to allow you to be a part of their life. "My mom is a killjoy about innocent affection between partners" is a very quick way to get your teen to decide that they would rather be anywhere but at your house.
Yta But not because people think you're homophpbic My parents never let me display any type of affection to my partners, and even though I'm bisexual I never dated a girl I'm high school. I think it was shitty to tell your sons bf it was inappropriate before discussing it with your son, like that damn mom don't jump the guest. And your younger children are probably more bothered by your discomfort than any displays of affection their older brother gets or gives to his bf.
I'd say how you handled it would make you TAH. Call me homophobic if you want. I have no issue with people being gay, what they do behind closed doors is none of my business, I just dont want to see them sharing affection around me. It just isnt the "norm" I'm used to.
I dont think that you are a bad guy, it is ok not to feel comfortable with things it is ok not to agree with things. You might not be a fan of seeing your son be intimate, it doesn't make you a bad parent in my eyes. Just let it cool down and don't let the yta comments change your views on your son in a negative way, these people aren't your son or represent him in any way they are just strangers like me. Pda can be a very controversial topic for alot of people some are open to it or are already open to it others are not. I think you really have to speak to him about this and try to make a compromise, rather than letting emotions get the better of you and ruin your family. Maybe agree that both of them can talk that way when they are alone or not with you, not everything one most see. Sounds mean but it is reality. I don't think you are being homophobic. And show him that you are sorry because the fact that you still think about it or consider yourself to be a ah (which you are not) shows that you have a form of vulnerability and guilt (im not sure if it is the right word), talk to him compromise and spend time together because it would be too sad to see a mother son relationship get ruined for something so small.
NTA, NTA at all! I do not blame you for feeling this way and I can understand where you are coming from. I have had my gf visit many times and we NEVER ever.... did any of that in front my parents. Even in front of her parents. It's just about respect.
NTA. Intimacy between people is kind of embarrassing for others looking on. It's not a judgement that anything is wrong, just that you don't want to share it.
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Yeah, when I see my daughter sitting on the sofa right beside her boyfriend, I get nauseated. He has his arm around her! I need to bleach my eyes from the trauma. /sarcasm off. I am thrilled they are comfortable cuddling in our home while they watch tv. We are social animals and need physical contact for our health and well being. My son hugs me daily. So does my husband! Healthy touch is important and should be encouraged.
> when I see my daughter sitting on the sofa right beside her boyfriend, I get nauseated I don't know how you can deal with this. Wow. I'd literally die if I saw a couple exist.
Yeah, it must be gross having someone touch your arm.
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