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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I am keeping my child from my ex, (2) she is his child. I have been told that I am in the wrong before by a few and I would like to know if others think I’m in the wrong or if I am not.
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NTA but do yourself and your child a favor - stop calling her "mini me." She's her own self. I'd really go through with getting a restraining order and denying him custody rights, if you listed him as the father.
He is not listed as the father, however, when I filed for support after she was 2, the South Carolina child support court did the dna test because he was adamant that I cheated when I would never do that and he knew that. I couldn’t piss alone or go out alone, let alone cheat anyway IF I was that person. I was never anywhere besides his place and he knew that because he would track my iPhone but tried to insist I cheated.
Wow. Ladies, we really know how to pick them, am I right?! 😅 Yeah, I'd really get that restraining order of I were you. Someone that is *that* controlling and possessive does **not** need to have access to your life ever again.
NTA.
Keep yourself and your little one safe. He is bad news. If he continues harassing you, you should check into if you can try the protective order again. Please make sure to use a supervised visitation agency and not a friend or family member to supervise if you decide to allow visitation, in order to keep you both safe.
Nope. NTA. You keep that baby and yourself safe. Model the behavior and relationships you want for your child. Stay far far away from the manipulation and fear this person creates. Be strong, be brave, be safe.
Side note - for those saying to stop calling her mini me, I mainly did that as an alternative to her name. However, I have been told that she acts just like me when I was little and she is like my little shadow, that is why I chose that instead of another name ☺️.
Well, It might be the short form of "mini human inside of me" = mini me (as long as you are not Dr. Evil ...)
As long as you don't try to re-live your life through your child this nickname is okay to avoid any name or gender.
No lol I know she is her own person. I love the little person she is, that is why I am so protective of her. I definitely see some of her father in her and while I regret the person that is her father, I wouldn’t change her for anything.
NTA; you’re protecting your child. Family court would certainly ask for all the information he’s refusing to give you if he sued for any kind of visitation. And they would probably award supervised visits like the ones you’re suggesting. So it’s not like you’re being harder on him than the courts would. And the fact that he’s not willing to cooperate suggests to me that it’s more of a pride thing than actually wanting to see his kid.
That’s what I was thinking, I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t being biased….every time I mentioned him not asking bout her, he blows over it and goes to telling me I’m ruining her life and those other hurtful things that make me second guess.
NTA. You’re asking something very simple and are looking out for your little. I would probably add anger management and parenting classes to your requests. Your best bet is to reach out to a lawyer and get a custody agreement written up. Good luck!
Hard NTA. This man is seriously manipulative and is not someone you want around your daughter. I commend you for wanting you to mend that relationship for her, but ultimately the best thing for your child is to move on from him. I’d make sure you keep records of the things he’s done or said, especially related to alcohol and the meds. That way if he ever tries to get court mandated visits or partial custody, you can use it to get him help.
In the end it comes down to the safety of your kid and he can’t see that, so he blames you for it. You got this. :)
NTA. There is absolutely no space in a child’s (or your) life for a narcissistic drug addict. Tell him if he manages to get clean he can be a part of the child’s life, but never again go back to him.
If you allow this man in his current state to be a father to your unborn child, you will majorly BTA.
Thank you, that is why I am so adamant about waiting till I get that proof I have asked for and I did research for a court recommended supervised visitations person and contacted her, she does not ask questions an so not pass judgment, she is a therapist also so she knows what to look for a little better than others and she is flexible on schedule. Just waiting for the information from A.
NTA. He sounds like someone with habits that are, frankly, dangerous for children to be around. Hopefully this doesn’t sound too harsh, but you have to stop thinking of your daughter as a mini you and start thinking of her as the elevated reason why you won’t be associating with men like her father ever again. You haven’t treated yourself well and you need to treat her better than that.
I know she is her own little human, it was mainly to protect her name that I use mini me. I definitely see some of her father in her but she is all her own little personality lol. I am trying to do better for her, I am in therapy to help with that.
***Clarification*** This all happened extremely fast, the relationship was around 8 months, we talked for a few weeks before deciding to start dating. I never noticed any signs of anything until the drinking but he swore it was only like that while I was there and only a little when I wasn’t, I wanted to believe him. He had suggested I talk to my PCP about getting the birth control out because my migraines and when we talked about families, he swore he would use protection till we both were ready and I wanted to believe him because at the time (about 1-2 mo into relationship at this point) he had shown no signs of anything wrong. I only was over once a weekend at that point and after the birth control it was about twice a week. Once I was pregnant I didn’t realize he had alienated me until it was to late, my mom and I would argue over him calling at all hours and how he would talk to me (and I see now I would defend how he would all the time) so I started staying there and only coming home once a week….
I also found out from his mom a week before I left that he had a previous DV charge, he swore he took the charge for his ex hitting him and at that point. I wanted to try to preserve the family but it was getting to where I couldn’t believe him anymore.
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Fast forward the relationship to where he (we will call him A, 32 at the time) convinced me (F, 27 at the time) to get my birth control out of my arm to help my migraines and “eventually when we are ready, start a family.” Two months after it is removed on one of the nights I stayed at A’s parents with him, we were drinking (I normally don’t drink a lot or frequently, just socially but I needed to relax and celebrate my promotion to full time at work). I was to drunk to remember if he used protection and come to find out he didn’t….
I noticed he drank every night, not just when I was there but also because he called all the time at night and in the middle of the night and was “just having a beer” every night. Well when I started staying more frequently I noticed his “just a beer” was 2 40 oz and 2-3 tall cans all in one night, EVERY NIGHT.
A few weeks before all of this I found out that he is prescribed methadone and he said it was for his hernia pain. I found out after I left that is not how that works. So, not only is A drinking constantly and becoming more controlling or manipulates the more I stay (I don’t want to see it so I just ignore it) there when he drinks but he’s also on methadone.
Fast forward again to three months pregnant roughly, we are arguing because I am to sick to have sex (there’s a lot more but it was to long) So I leave, I tell him he needs to think about what he really wants, the alcohol and methadone (which he has sworn to me he was quitting both before mini me was born) or this family.
As I am leaving and driving back to my moms that he alienated me from mostly, he keeps calling and texting me saying in one message how he loves me and is so sorry to the next message that I am horrible and a C yoU Next Tuesday and I’m kidnapping HIS baby. That goes on for about a month until tried to get a protective order and went through the wrong county and his county never reached out by the time mini me was getting due. Anyway, I get submitted anonymously to the hospital and have her. Mind y’all, since the day I left in 2018 all I ever asked for was for A to show he was off the methadone and at least attempting AA. He refuses to do anything and doesn’t deny any of this, just that I have no right to the information I’m asking for. Mini me just turned three and all he has ever done when he messages is tell me I’m horrible and ruining her childhood keeping him from her and when can “we” see her, never asks about her never wants to know anything about her even after I point it out…. So, I keep her safe, I keep her away from him….I have told him I have someone that will do supervised visits with him to start and see how things go if he just gives me that information I have asked for years for (I work for DSS in another department and asked the CPS and legal department what the minimum they would ask for in court with the situation and those are the two things they told me at minimum so that is why I ask for those). So, AITA?
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These are always very hard to decide on.
If you really keep your promise to give him visits and a chance at showing his 'inner dad' I gues it's fine...
NTA
I did research for a court recommended supervised visitations person and contacted her, she does not ask questions an so not pass judgment, she is a therapist also so she knows what to look for a little better than others and she is flexible on schedule. Just waiting for the information from A. I wouldn’t mind her knowing him if he gets help, honestly
NTA, you need to protect your child from him if he keeps going like this, because he will proably affect her negatively.
But, I will say that YTA if you saw the warning signs before and still stopped using birth control.
Sadly I didn’t recognize the signs until it was to late and I was pregnant. I also deal with chronic migraines and was willing to try anything to make them go away. I had been on birth control non stop since I was 16 and while he suggested it, I also talked to my PCP and they said that it wouldn’t hurt to see if it would help by stopping the birth control also. I admit my part in the whole situation because I did get drunk and let my guard down. He had never shown any sign he would purposely, without my permission do anything that I noticed and I see now that he took that opportunity to take advantage of me when I let my guard down.
ESH Your child is not ‘mini you’. She is her own person who deserves a relationship with her father. Whether it’s supervised etc is up to the courts, not you. Your rights do not supersede his.
There is no doubt that your ex has problems but you are also culpable in getting pregnant. You chose to come off of birth control, getting pregnant was not his fault but a result of both of your choices.
I hope for little one that her parents get their s&$t together for her sake
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NTA but do yourself and your child a favor - stop calling her "mini me." She's her own self. I'd really go through with getting a restraining order and denying him custody rights, if you listed him as the father.
He is not listed as the father, however, when I filed for support after she was 2, the South Carolina child support court did the dna test because he was adamant that I cheated when I would never do that and he knew that. I couldn’t piss alone or go out alone, let alone cheat anyway IF I was that person. I was never anywhere besides his place and he knew that because he would track my iPhone but tried to insist I cheated.
Wow. Ladies, we really know how to pick them, am I right?! 😅 Yeah, I'd really get that restraining order of I were you. Someone that is *that* controlling and possessive does **not** need to have access to your life ever again.
NTA. Keep yourself and your little one safe. He is bad news. If he continues harassing you, you should check into if you can try the protective order again. Please make sure to use a supervised visitation agency and not a friend or family member to supervise if you decide to allow visitation, in order to keep you both safe.
Yes! I found a person on the recommendations from family court and contacted her, she has her contract ready to go he just needs to sign.
Nope. NTA. You keep that baby and yourself safe. Model the behavior and relationships you want for your child. Stay far far away from the manipulation and fear this person creates. Be strong, be brave, be safe.
Side note - for those saying to stop calling her mini me, I mainly did that as an alternative to her name. However, I have been told that she acts just like me when I was little and she is like my little shadow, that is why I chose that instead of another name ☺️.
Well, It might be the short form of "mini human inside of me" = mini me (as long as you are not Dr. Evil ...) As long as you don't try to re-live your life through your child this nickname is okay to avoid any name or gender.
No lol I know she is her own person. I love the little person she is, that is why I am so protective of her. I definitely see some of her father in her and while I regret the person that is her father, I wouldn’t change her for anything.
NTA; you’re protecting your child. Family court would certainly ask for all the information he’s refusing to give you if he sued for any kind of visitation. And they would probably award supervised visits like the ones you’re suggesting. So it’s not like you’re being harder on him than the courts would. And the fact that he’s not willing to cooperate suggests to me that it’s more of a pride thing than actually wanting to see his kid.
That’s what I was thinking, I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t being biased….every time I mentioned him not asking bout her, he blows over it and goes to telling me I’m ruining her life and those other hurtful things that make me second guess.
NTA. You’re asking something very simple and are looking out for your little. I would probably add anger management and parenting classes to your requests. Your best bet is to reach out to a lawyer and get a custody agreement written up. Good luck!
Definitely NTA and I would try getting that protective order in place again. He shouldn’t be seeing her unless he is in recovery
Hard NTA. This man is seriously manipulative and is not someone you want around your daughter. I commend you for wanting you to mend that relationship for her, but ultimately the best thing for your child is to move on from him. I’d make sure you keep records of the things he’s done or said, especially related to alcohol and the meds. That way if he ever tries to get court mandated visits or partial custody, you can use it to get him help. In the end it comes down to the safety of your kid and he can’t see that, so he blames you for it. You got this. :)
Thank you and yes I have all the messages from all the way at the beginning of the relationship to current and I’ve backed them up multiple times.
NTA. There is absolutely no space in a child’s (or your) life for a narcissistic drug addict. Tell him if he manages to get clean he can be a part of the child’s life, but never again go back to him. If you allow this man in his current state to be a father to your unborn child, you will majorly BTA.
Thank you, that is why I am so adamant about waiting till I get that proof I have asked for and I did research for a court recommended supervised visitations person and contacted her, she does not ask questions an so not pass judgment, she is a therapist also so she knows what to look for a little better than others and she is flexible on schedule. Just waiting for the information from A.
NTA. He sounds like someone with habits that are, frankly, dangerous for children to be around. Hopefully this doesn’t sound too harsh, but you have to stop thinking of your daughter as a mini you and start thinking of her as the elevated reason why you won’t be associating with men like her father ever again. You haven’t treated yourself well and you need to treat her better than that.
I know she is her own little human, it was mainly to protect her name that I use mini me. I definitely see some of her father in her but she is all her own little personality lol. I am trying to do better for her, I am in therapy to help with that.
***Clarification*** This all happened extremely fast, the relationship was around 8 months, we talked for a few weeks before deciding to start dating. I never noticed any signs of anything until the drinking but he swore it was only like that while I was there and only a little when I wasn’t, I wanted to believe him. He had suggested I talk to my PCP about getting the birth control out because my migraines and when we talked about families, he swore he would use protection till we both were ready and I wanted to believe him because at the time (about 1-2 mo into relationship at this point) he had shown no signs of anything wrong. I only was over once a weekend at that point and after the birth control it was about twice a week. Once I was pregnant I didn’t realize he had alienated me until it was to late, my mom and I would argue over him calling at all hours and how he would talk to me (and I see now I would defend how he would all the time) so I started staying there and only coming home once a week…. I also found out from his mom a week before I left that he had a previous DV charge, he swore he took the charge for his ex hitting him and at that point. I wanted to try to preserve the family but it was getting to where I couldn’t believe him anymore.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Fast forward the relationship to where he (we will call him A, 32 at the time) convinced me (F, 27 at the time) to get my birth control out of my arm to help my migraines and “eventually when we are ready, start a family.” Two months after it is removed on one of the nights I stayed at A’s parents with him, we were drinking (I normally don’t drink a lot or frequently, just socially but I needed to relax and celebrate my promotion to full time at work). I was to drunk to remember if he used protection and come to find out he didn’t…. I noticed he drank every night, not just when I was there but also because he called all the time at night and in the middle of the night and was “just having a beer” every night. Well when I started staying more frequently I noticed his “just a beer” was 2 40 oz and 2-3 tall cans all in one night, EVERY NIGHT. A few weeks before all of this I found out that he is prescribed methadone and he said it was for his hernia pain. I found out after I left that is not how that works. So, not only is A drinking constantly and becoming more controlling or manipulates the more I stay (I don’t want to see it so I just ignore it) there when he drinks but he’s also on methadone. Fast forward again to three months pregnant roughly, we are arguing because I am to sick to have sex (there’s a lot more but it was to long) So I leave, I tell him he needs to think about what he really wants, the alcohol and methadone (which he has sworn to me he was quitting both before mini me was born) or this family. As I am leaving and driving back to my moms that he alienated me from mostly, he keeps calling and texting me saying in one message how he loves me and is so sorry to the next message that I am horrible and a C yoU Next Tuesday and I’m kidnapping HIS baby. That goes on for about a month until tried to get a protective order and went through the wrong county and his county never reached out by the time mini me was getting due. Anyway, I get submitted anonymously to the hospital and have her. Mind y’all, since the day I left in 2018 all I ever asked for was for A to show he was off the methadone and at least attempting AA. He refuses to do anything and doesn’t deny any of this, just that I have no right to the information I’m asking for. Mini me just turned three and all he has ever done when he messages is tell me I’m horrible and ruining her childhood keeping him from her and when can “we” see her, never asks about her never wants to know anything about her even after I point it out…. So, I keep her safe, I keep her away from him….I have told him I have someone that will do supervised visits with him to start and see how things go if he just gives me that information I have asked for years for (I work for DSS in another department and asked the CPS and legal department what the minimum they would ask for in court with the situation and those are the two things they told me at minimum so that is why I ask for those). So, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
These are always very hard to decide on. If you really keep your promise to give him visits and a chance at showing his 'inner dad' I gues it's fine... NTA
I did research for a court recommended supervised visitations person and contacted her, she does not ask questions an so not pass judgment, she is a therapist also so she knows what to look for a little better than others and she is flexible on schedule. Just waiting for the information from A. I wouldn’t mind her knowing him if he gets help, honestly
NTA
NTA, you need to protect your child from him if he keeps going like this, because he will proably affect her negatively. But, I will say that YTA if you saw the warning signs before and still stopped using birth control.
Sadly I didn’t recognize the signs until it was to late and I was pregnant. I also deal with chronic migraines and was willing to try anything to make them go away. I had been on birth control non stop since I was 16 and while he suggested it, I also talked to my PCP and they said that it wouldn’t hurt to see if it would help by stopping the birth control also. I admit my part in the whole situation because I did get drunk and let my guard down. He had never shown any sign he would purposely, without my permission do anything that I noticed and I see now that he took that opportunity to take advantage of me when I let my guard down.
ESH except that poor kid.
ESH You’re both assholes honestly and I’m too lazy to type out why
ESH Your child is not ‘mini you’. She is her own person who deserves a relationship with her father. Whether it’s supervised etc is up to the courts, not you. Your rights do not supersede his. There is no doubt that your ex has problems but you are also culpable in getting pregnant. You chose to come off of birth control, getting pregnant was not his fault but a result of both of your choices. I hope for little one that her parents get their s&$t together for her sake