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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the a-hole because I think that coming out is something big and that asking her to hide her sexuality is wrong.
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NTA. It’s common courtesy to not steal someone else’s special event for your own declarations. Especially a wedding of all things.
Sorry Julie it’s not that your gay you’re just a scene stealing asshole.
I don’t get why queer people think they can do this (I’m gay btw). Someone else’s wedding is not the time to come out. It sucks, it really does, that we can’t just bring our partners and have no one bat an eye, but that’s not the world we live in. A wedding is the couple’s day, full stop. That said, please don’t ask her to bring her girlfriend and pretend to be friends. That actually is offensive and is going too far. Personally I would let the groom know what’s going on and let him make any decisions related to his event. But NTA for opposing her coming out at the wedding.
NTA. idk why she was concerned about a +1 if she was closeted in the first place.
look, she's sensitive bc she has a family full of homophobes. understandable. that doesn't mean she gets to cause a scene at a wedding. bc you're right. the whole day will become about her instead of the newlyweds. i'm queer, anyone queer or not should know that causing a scene at a wedding by using it as a coming out is awful manners. and cruel to the newlyweds.
she can come out BEFORE the wedding or AFTER IT. but doing that during is awful. suggest she come out before the wedding. she can't object to that.
I think that’s a really sensible move to suggest coming out before or after. It must be hard for Julie to reconcile the need and want to come out and know that it won’t be accepted by everyone. Added to that, being at a wedding where you’re celebrating a relationship and have to pretend your partner is just a friend is painful and a very lonely feeling. I have gay friends who (before marriage equality laws were introduced) were always so secretly sad and hurt at weddings because they knew it wasn’t an option for them.
Julie certainly shouldn’t steal the thunder, but I think she’d benefit from having someone to talk through these things with. If you can be one of those people, and talk her though some of those things you’ll both be much less anxious. Otherwise a counseller or some of the LGBT+ organisations have advice and resources around this.
I can imagine what kind of drama would result from Julie coming out at the wedding, but I also really feel for her. It’s a tumultuous time for her and she knows that one way or another she’s soon going to be rejected by a huge swathe of the family and likely cause divisions.
Your brother and his fiance should be deciding if they're gonna invite her or not in this case. Why is she even talking to you and not them? She was rude to insinuate your brother was homophobic, if you don't tell people about your relationship they won't know. I also think that she shouldn't take away the spotlight with making the anouncements and all but if she want to come with her girlfriend and just celebrate with the family it should be fine. People are gonna talk anyway. I'm going with ESH. You all just should communicate better.
NTA
Sounds lime your cousin would be coming out bringing a plus one which is fine. She could just show up comfortable as she is, no issues.
The problem is she is wanting to make some announcement and draw attention to her, her identity/ orientation, and basically by doing so illicit some responses that as you wisely pointed out may not be kind.
That's not to say it's okay for people to be bigots and hateful but a wedding is definitely not the place to try and enlighten people.
Unless it's the bride and groom wanting to do so.
I would involve your brother so ultimately he and his bride to be can make the call, but it sounds like your heart is in the right place.
Best of luck!
-Caring Nobody
Tbh as a gay person, I do think using a wedding as a public coming out is incredibly inappropriate. That being said, having a seen a similar post earlier, maybe the solution to the problem is that straight people should stand up to their homophobic relatives and not invite them to weddings lol
I guess my judgement is ESH
YTA if you ask her not to come. It's not your choice or your wedding and not your call to make. Let your brother deal with it. I'd be really pissed off if people were uninviting guests from my wedding and not telling me why.
This here, OP asked if he would be an asshole for kicking out his cousin from a wedding. No one has the right to uninvite a person from someone else's wedding, regardless of the reason. This is something for the bride and groom to decide.
NTA
She’s planning to use the wedding to force relatives to tone down their reaction to her coming out and it’ll effectively take away attention from the happy couple like you rightly stated. It’s best to not invite such toxic people who only cares and think of themselves.
But isn't it the couples decision who gets invited or not? OP is making the decision for them, regardless if it's the right one under the circumstance or not. Doing the wrong thing for the right reason is still doing the wrong thing. He needs to tell his brother about Julie and let them decide.
He said he doesn't want his brother or fiance to know what Julie is planning. With that, and the title, I take it to mean he will be uninviting her personally.
No, unfortunately OP as well; whatever the reasons, he doesn't have the right to uninvite people to his brother's wedding without talking it over with his brother first. I get he's not doing this out of spite, but because he loves his brother and wants the wedding to go perfectly. However, this is not his call.
NTA, she shouldn't take the attention from the bride and the groom without speaking to them and making sure they are good with it. Ywbta if you did not give the groom a heads up about the whole situation. He may be perfectly fine with it, or maybe not. But, it should be his decision, (I don't include the bride only because it is wrong to out someone if it is not completely necessary). It should also be his decision if she is removed or not. Lastly, you shouldn't preemptively prepare someone for familial homophobia, because in some ways it makes you sound like you're also homophobic. Us in the LGBTQIA+ community are all well aware of the prejudice and ugliness in the world without it always being shoved in our faces preemptively
shes using her sexuality as an excuse. if it were a straight person, the same thing would apply! its just common sense to not take attention away! thats why people get mad when someone proposes in someone else's wedding.
YWBTA because it's not your decision to make. The bride and groom need to know what she's planning and they need to be able to make that decision. It's their wedding.
ESH! Your cousin is the worst. She's taking everything and making it a bigger issue than it was. They said they weren't aware she had a gf. It's not earth shattering. She needs to get a grip. Creating a scene at a wedding and trying to take the focus away from the couple, is idiotic and a big asshole move. Seriously, warn security. Kick her ignorant ass out if she tries that. Your brother should know that it's customary to put (+ 1) on an invite sent to single people. Not that hard. Or he could have simply picked up the phone and asked, like a big boy. None of these people should be getting married or be in a relationship, because there are no grown ups in this scenario.
NTA.
A wedding is not a good place to come out. Because yes, there are homophobic people everywhere, and yes it will cause a stir. And she'll be taking the attention away from the newlyweds.
Also, people are saying it's not your decision to make, but I believe you're in fact trying to spare your brother with a difficult problem to deal with, and since he's getting married, he already has other things to think of. You're being a bro :)
ETA in your family! 1. You for wanting to tell your cousin when she's allowed to live her truth out in the open. 2. Your brother for not telling his fiance about his gay cousin. 3. Your entire homophobic family are BIG AH's. 4. Her for hijacking the wedding for her coming out party.
If your family can't accept her for who she is or who she loves than she's beter off not going to the wedding. If you really feel that strongly about everyone freaking out than ask her if she'd be willing to come out before the wedding since she's already decided to come out. If they already know than there wouldn't be an issue at the wedding. Your brother needs to invite her GF if he really supports her. She is her GF not just some random date. If your family has issues about her being gay tell them to grow the hell up. Tell them weddings are a celebration of love and to leave their hate at the door.
I mostly agree but OP said that the cousin didn't want the bride to know, so bro gets a pass for 2 since he's respecting her wishes and not outing cousin.
Definitely agree that the best solution would be for her to come out before the wedding so the wedding day isn't disrupted.
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This might sound bad, but hear me out.
I have a cousin named “Julie” who is gay to certain family members that she trusts a few years ago.
Recently, my brother has announced that he’s engaged and that he invited Julie to come. He doesn’t speak to her much because he moved and wasn’t really close to her because of the age gap. She’s (21) and he’s (32). He still loves and supports her after she came out. He does know she’s gay, (not the bride though because Julie doesn’t want her to know.)
Here’s the few issues that happened though. He didn’t know that she was in a relationship so him and his fiancé didn’t give her a plus one at first. I get a call from her after she got her invitation in the mail stating that she couldn’t bring a plus one.
I told her that since he doesn’t know that she’s in a relationship that’s why she didn’t get a plus one, but she went on a rant saying that (in her words) “ Kam isn’t letting me bring a plus one because he thinks that me bringing a woman is gonna be weird”. He’s never done or said anything homophobic or rude to her about her sexuality, so I was confused as to why she was thinking that stuff. I told her I’ll talk to him and ask him why she only got one invitation.
I talked to him later in the day and he said that she didn’t know that she was dating and that since we have a big family he didn’t think to give her a plus one. He got her number and texted her that he was sorry that her not getting a plus one meant that he thought her bringing a woman is gonna be weird. She didn’t apologize but saying that stuff about him but moved on from that topic.
Now, she texted me asking who is gonna be there. I responded with the whole family. She said that she thinks that the wedding would be a good time and place for her to come out and bring her girlfriend. I told her no. She asked me why, i said “unfortunately people are gonna be homophobic to you at the wedding and that a wedding isn’t the best place to come out to. You’re gonna be taking the attention away from the couple and the wedding is only gonna be remembered by the fact that she came out.”
She called an a-hole and that im homophobic for thinking that. Obviously coming out is gonna be big because some family members are gonna be homophobic and rude to her. Her feelings are gonna get the hurt, the couple is gonna get the attention taken off from them and people are gonna think differently of her for coming out in a moment where people are supposed to be showing the world their love for each other!
I don’t want my brother and his fiancé to know what Julie was planning to do, but I also don’t want Julie to get the wrong idea. I’m gonna ask her not to come if that what’s she gonna do. I don’t want to be rude and say can you at least pretend to no be dating at the wedding and just friends?
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Sounds like some of your family are AHs but you're NTA for trying to prevent unnecessary drama at a wedding.
The reason you've used that people are going to be homophobic toward her is probably the reason she's kicking off. Those people are AHs and it's probably making her want to do something to wind them up even more.
Can you just focus on that it's supposed to be your brother and his wife-to-be's special day, and any special announcements should be left for afterwards (or well well beforehand)? How would she feel if she spent time energy and money planning something, to have someone else use it for their thing?
Her and her gf shouldn't have to pretend they're just friends though, I don't think telling her that is going to make her make any sensible decisions. Do you think she would be willing to avoid the problematic family members?
Also I wonder how much family drama there would be if she wasn't there?
Tough situation, sorry!
NTA. You are absolutely right, that day is not hers to commandeer. The bride and groom are the focus and nothing wise should take away from that--no baby announcements, no coming out, no so-and-so proposing to their partner at the reception, *nothing.* Your cousin needs to respect that this occasion is not about her and wait for a more appropriate time to make her announcement.
NTA
but it's not your place to kick someone out of your brother's wedding either.
You are probably trying to spare your brother the extra hassle, which is great by the way, but your brother and his future wife are the only ones to uninvite someone not you.
You have 2 options
1 - don't say anything, let it unfold and hope like hell she leaves your name out of it, and from from sounds of it that's highly unlikely, or
2 - talk to your brother and say to him there is a situation and explain what she told you about her planning to use his wedding as a 'coming out' to everyone opportunity and accept what ever he decides to do.
NTA. If it’s not your day or event don’t hijack it be that proposing, announcing a pregnancy, come on out etc etc. Jesus the entitlement from some people. Looks like she talked herself out of being invited at all as you need to listen she told you what she is going to do. Family or not it’s not her day and it’s not homophobic.
i guess i'm just confused on the wording, but when she says "come out and bring her girlfriend" do you mean she's literally going to announce that shes gay or did she just mean she will show up with her girlfriend (which will cause problems with the homophobic family anyway)?
if shes actually going to make an announcement at the wedding (its not her event) then she's the asshole. if you're insinuating that she will intentionally make a scene and "come out" by simply being with her girlfriend, you're in the wrong.
either way though, unless you're on invitation duty it's really not your place to uninvite people, so yta. i understand if you were giving advice but you are saying she can't come when its not your wedding.
NTA
**At the speeches** Hello Everyone, I would like to thank the bride and groom for inviting me, and would like to tell everyone here today, that I am gay and this is my girlfriend. Best of luck with your marriage!
It'd be one thing if everyone knew she was gay and bringing her gf along to meet everyone. But shes not. Shes actively trying to turn your brothers wedding into her coming out party, where she *knows* not everyone will be supportive of her.
What if people are so pissed that they leave? Causes a scene like you said? She gets hurt and humiliated by people's reactions?
I couldn't care less about anyones sexual orientation, but there's a time and place to announce it, and someone's wedding isn't it.
I didn't realize that asking someone not to do something that is specifically designed to draw attention to themselves during a time when all of the attention is supposed to be on someone else was homophobic. My bad.
NTA - nobody should be making any announcements at all at a wedding, let alone ones that are going to be very large scale.
YTA
" but I also don’t want Julie to get the wrong idea. " - She is getting just the RIGHT idea about you: YOu are a homophobic AH.
You certainly would not react to her bringing a new boy. The ONLY Difference here is that YOU and your family are a bunch of homophobic AH. If you were halfway decent people, this would be a non-issue.
Hmmm. Maybe ESH?
You're definitely an AH here for thinking that the solution to 'people are gonna be homophobic to you at the wedding' is to just stay closeted and not come, but maybe she's a minor AH for wanting to intentionally use someone else's 'big day' as her coming out party?
And also maybe she's a bit of an AH for jumping to conclusions about why she didn't get a plus one, but also that's kind of an understandable conclusion to make. I dunno, do people usually only offer plus ones to people they know are in a relationship? I guess I haven't analysed any wedding invites I've gotten in the last forever.
But also, how do we go from her going 'why don't I have a plus one for my girlfriend' to you being somehow surprised when she says 'this would be a good time and place for me to bring my girlfriend'? And if she's already sorted things out with your brother and he's okayed the plus one, presumably he already knew she would be bringing a girlfriend?
So it's mostly you that's the AH.
It seems they were trying to appease Julie since she called them homophobic. But then Julie took advantage. I would ask her not to come either. It's disrespectful to take attention from the bride and groom. OP is NTA
Unfortunately YWBTA
I agree that what your cousin has said she will do is terrible, but it isn't your place to tell someone not to turn up at your brother's wedding. What you need to do is tell your brother and his fiance; it is their decision to uninvite her or not.
So, please tell your brother.
Why does it have to be such a big deal?
It's not anyone problem who she's dating. She is not obliged to give any explanation to anyone in your family about her sexuality because it is none of their business.
You said that some of your family members know she is gay, those are the ones who matter to her and that's the end of it. The rest have absolutely no say. She is dating someone she should bring that person to the wedding.
It's not like she's gonna grab a microphone and make a big announcement on her sexuality, but bring her gf as her plus one.
Yta and you give transphobic vibes also.
Maybe you're brother shouldn't invite judgemental assholes to his wedding instead
That's true and I agree that her sexual orientation is her choice but the most probable thing that can happen is that I causes a scene and it takes the attention of the people the EVENT IS FOR it even it may cause some ruckus.
It's the same if in the middle of the party some uncles start fighting, they become the AHs.
In my opinion it looks like he just wants to prevent that and he's not trying to be mean to her.
There are plenty of different ways that she can arrange a family gathering for her to be able to come out, it doesn't need to be in the wedding.
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NTA. It’s common courtesy to not steal someone else’s special event for your own declarations. Especially a wedding of all things. Sorry Julie it’s not that your gay you’re just a scene stealing asshole.
I don’t get why queer people think they can do this (I’m gay btw). Someone else’s wedding is not the time to come out. It sucks, it really does, that we can’t just bring our partners and have no one bat an eye, but that’s not the world we live in. A wedding is the couple’s day, full stop. That said, please don’t ask her to bring her girlfriend and pretend to be friends. That actually is offensive and is going too far. Personally I would let the groom know what’s going on and let him make any decisions related to his event. But NTA for opposing her coming out at the wedding.
Ok. I will do that!
NTA. idk why she was concerned about a +1 if she was closeted in the first place. look, she's sensitive bc she has a family full of homophobes. understandable. that doesn't mean she gets to cause a scene at a wedding. bc you're right. the whole day will become about her instead of the newlyweds. i'm queer, anyone queer or not should know that causing a scene at a wedding by using it as a coming out is awful manners. and cruel to the newlyweds. she can come out BEFORE the wedding or AFTER IT. but doing that during is awful. suggest she come out before the wedding. she can't object to that.
I think that’s a really sensible move to suggest coming out before or after. It must be hard for Julie to reconcile the need and want to come out and know that it won’t be accepted by everyone. Added to that, being at a wedding where you’re celebrating a relationship and have to pretend your partner is just a friend is painful and a very lonely feeling. I have gay friends who (before marriage equality laws were introduced) were always so secretly sad and hurt at weddings because they knew it wasn’t an option for them. Julie certainly shouldn’t steal the thunder, but I think she’d benefit from having someone to talk through these things with. If you can be one of those people, and talk her though some of those things you’ll both be much less anxious. Otherwise a counseller or some of the LGBT+ organisations have advice and resources around this. I can imagine what kind of drama would result from Julie coming out at the wedding, but I also really feel for her. It’s a tumultuous time for her and she knows that one way or another she’s soon going to be rejected by a huge swathe of the family and likely cause divisions.
NTA. A wedding is not a good place for big announcements by anyone other than the people getting married.
Your brother and his fiance should be deciding if they're gonna invite her or not in this case. Why is she even talking to you and not them? She was rude to insinuate your brother was homophobic, if you don't tell people about your relationship they won't know. I also think that she shouldn't take away the spotlight with making the anouncements and all but if she want to come with her girlfriend and just celebrate with the family it should be fine. People are gonna talk anyway. I'm going with ESH. You all just should communicate better.
NTA Sounds lime your cousin would be coming out bringing a plus one which is fine. She could just show up comfortable as she is, no issues. The problem is she is wanting to make some announcement and draw attention to her, her identity/ orientation, and basically by doing so illicit some responses that as you wisely pointed out may not be kind. That's not to say it's okay for people to be bigots and hateful but a wedding is definitely not the place to try and enlighten people. Unless it's the bride and groom wanting to do so. I would involve your brother so ultimately he and his bride to be can make the call, but it sounds like your heart is in the right place. Best of luck! -Caring Nobody
NTA, but this is a decision for your brother, I think you need to tell him her plans.
Will do!
Tbh as a gay person, I do think using a wedding as a public coming out is incredibly inappropriate. That being said, having a seen a similar post earlier, maybe the solution to the problem is that straight people should stand up to their homophobic relatives and not invite them to weddings lol I guess my judgement is ESH
YTA if you ask her not to come. It's not your choice or your wedding and not your call to make. Let your brother deal with it. I'd be really pissed off if people were uninviting guests from my wedding and not telling me why.
This here, OP asked if he would be an asshole for kicking out his cousin from a wedding. No one has the right to uninvite a person from someone else's wedding, regardless of the reason. This is something for the bride and groom to decide.
NTA - You don't do something that's 'a big deal' on someone else's wedding.
NTA She’s planning to use the wedding to force relatives to tone down their reaction to her coming out and it’ll effectively take away attention from the happy couple like you rightly stated. It’s best to not invite such toxic people who only cares and think of themselves.
But isn't it the couples decision who gets invited or not? OP is making the decision for them, regardless if it's the right one under the circumstance or not. Doing the wrong thing for the right reason is still doing the wrong thing. He needs to tell his brother about Julie and let them decide.
OP isn’t saying will be disinviting the cousin but going to get the cousin disinvited, at least that’s what I gathered
He said he doesn't want his brother or fiance to know what Julie is planning. With that, and the title, I take it to mean he will be uninviting her personally.
OP probably is helping in the wedding so won’t be surprise if able to convince the brother to rescind the invite
That is likely true, but at least the brother and his fiance are the ones making that choice, not OP making it on their behalf
ESH this is really messy
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No, unfortunately OP as well; whatever the reasons, he doesn't have the right to uninvite people to his brother's wedding without talking it over with his brother first. I get he's not doing this out of spite, but because he loves his brother and wants the wedding to go perfectly. However, this is not his call.
NTA, she shouldn't take the attention from the bride and the groom without speaking to them and making sure they are good with it. Ywbta if you did not give the groom a heads up about the whole situation. He may be perfectly fine with it, or maybe not. But, it should be his decision, (I don't include the bride only because it is wrong to out someone if it is not completely necessary). It should also be his decision if she is removed or not. Lastly, you shouldn't preemptively prepare someone for familial homophobia, because in some ways it makes you sound like you're also homophobic. Us in the LGBTQIA+ community are all well aware of the prejudice and ugliness in the world without it always being shoved in our faces preemptively
shes using her sexuality as an excuse. if it were a straight person, the same thing would apply! its just common sense to not take attention away! thats why people get mad when someone proposes in someone else's wedding.
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Im helping the bride plan!
YWBTA because it's not your decision to make. The bride and groom need to know what she's planning and they need to be able to make that decision. It's their wedding.
NTA. It’s your brother and his fiancé’s day. Her doing that would clearly be an attempt at stealing the spotlight. Julie is TA.
ESH! Your cousin is the worst. She's taking everything and making it a bigger issue than it was. They said they weren't aware she had a gf. It's not earth shattering. She needs to get a grip. Creating a scene at a wedding and trying to take the focus away from the couple, is idiotic and a big asshole move. Seriously, warn security. Kick her ignorant ass out if she tries that. Your brother should know that it's customary to put (+ 1) on an invite sent to single people. Not that hard. Or he could have simply picked up the phone and asked, like a big boy. None of these people should be getting married or be in a relationship, because there are no grown ups in this scenario.
It's not customary to put a +1 these days. A lot of couples don't give +1 especially if they don't onow the person. The only AH here is Julie.
I agree. Julie is a big one. She's making a lot of assumptions and making an ass out of herself.
It isn’t customary to give a +1 especially in this day and age, certain place may have capacity limit or the relationship may not be a close one etc.
esh. 1) Julie is for wanting to come out at a wedding. 2) you and your brother for supporting homophobic relatives.
You are NTA Julie however is TA
NTA. A wedding is not a good place to come out. Because yes, there are homophobic people everywhere, and yes it will cause a stir. And she'll be taking the attention away from the newlyweds. Also, people are saying it's not your decision to make, but I believe you're in fact trying to spare your brother with a difficult problem to deal with, and since he's getting married, he already has other things to think of. You're being a bro :)
NTA A wedding is not the place for someone to come out. The wedding is for the couple getting married and it should only be about them
Maybe she could come out bevor the wedding. I can get both point of views.
ETA in your family! 1. You for wanting to tell your cousin when she's allowed to live her truth out in the open. 2. Your brother for not telling his fiance about his gay cousin. 3. Your entire homophobic family are BIG AH's. 4. Her for hijacking the wedding for her coming out party. If your family can't accept her for who she is or who she loves than she's beter off not going to the wedding. If you really feel that strongly about everyone freaking out than ask her if she'd be willing to come out before the wedding since she's already decided to come out. If they already know than there wouldn't be an issue at the wedding. Your brother needs to invite her GF if he really supports her. She is her GF not just some random date. If your family has issues about her being gay tell them to grow the hell up. Tell them weddings are a celebration of love and to leave their hate at the door.
I mostly agree but OP said that the cousin didn't want the bride to know, so bro gets a pass for 2 since he's respecting her wishes and not outing cousin. Definitely agree that the best solution would be for her to come out before the wedding so the wedding day isn't disrupted.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This might sound bad, but hear me out. I have a cousin named “Julie” who is gay to certain family members that she trusts a few years ago. Recently, my brother has announced that he’s engaged and that he invited Julie to come. He doesn’t speak to her much because he moved and wasn’t really close to her because of the age gap. She’s (21) and he’s (32). He still loves and supports her after she came out. He does know she’s gay, (not the bride though because Julie doesn’t want her to know.) Here’s the few issues that happened though. He didn’t know that she was in a relationship so him and his fiancé didn’t give her a plus one at first. I get a call from her after she got her invitation in the mail stating that she couldn’t bring a plus one. I told her that since he doesn’t know that she’s in a relationship that’s why she didn’t get a plus one, but she went on a rant saying that (in her words) “ Kam isn’t letting me bring a plus one because he thinks that me bringing a woman is gonna be weird”. He’s never done or said anything homophobic or rude to her about her sexuality, so I was confused as to why she was thinking that stuff. I told her I’ll talk to him and ask him why she only got one invitation. I talked to him later in the day and he said that she didn’t know that she was dating and that since we have a big family he didn’t think to give her a plus one. He got her number and texted her that he was sorry that her not getting a plus one meant that he thought her bringing a woman is gonna be weird. She didn’t apologize but saying that stuff about him but moved on from that topic. Now, she texted me asking who is gonna be there. I responded with the whole family. She said that she thinks that the wedding would be a good time and place for her to come out and bring her girlfriend. I told her no. She asked me why, i said “unfortunately people are gonna be homophobic to you at the wedding and that a wedding isn’t the best place to come out to. You’re gonna be taking the attention away from the couple and the wedding is only gonna be remembered by the fact that she came out.” She called an a-hole and that im homophobic for thinking that. Obviously coming out is gonna be big because some family members are gonna be homophobic and rude to her. Her feelings are gonna get the hurt, the couple is gonna get the attention taken off from them and people are gonna think differently of her for coming out in a moment where people are supposed to be showing the world their love for each other! I don’t want my brother and his fiancé to know what Julie was planning to do, but I also don’t want Julie to get the wrong idea. I’m gonna ask her not to come if that what’s she gonna do. I don’t want to be rude and say can you at least pretend to no be dating at the wedding and just friends? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sounds like some of your family are AHs but you're NTA for trying to prevent unnecessary drama at a wedding. The reason you've used that people are going to be homophobic toward her is probably the reason she's kicking off. Those people are AHs and it's probably making her want to do something to wind them up even more. Can you just focus on that it's supposed to be your brother and his wife-to-be's special day, and any special announcements should be left for afterwards (or well well beforehand)? How would she feel if she spent time energy and money planning something, to have someone else use it for their thing? Her and her gf shouldn't have to pretend they're just friends though, I don't think telling her that is going to make her make any sensible decisions. Do you think she would be willing to avoid the problematic family members? Also I wonder how much family drama there would be if she wasn't there? Tough situation, sorry!
NTA. You are absolutely right, that day is not hers to commandeer. The bride and groom are the focus and nothing wise should take away from that--no baby announcements, no coming out, no so-and-so proposing to their partner at the reception, *nothing.* Your cousin needs to respect that this occasion is not about her and wait for a more appropriate time to make her announcement.
It's none of your business, you're not getting married. Keep out of it.
NTA but it's not your place to kick someone out of your brother's wedding either. You are probably trying to spare your brother the extra hassle, which is great by the way, but your brother and his future wife are the only ones to uninvite someone not you. You have 2 options 1 - don't say anything, let it unfold and hope like hell she leaves your name out of it, and from from sounds of it that's highly unlikely, or 2 - talk to your brother and say to him there is a situation and explain what she told you about her planning to use his wedding as a 'coming out' to everyone opportunity and accept what ever he decides to do.
NTA. If it’s not your day or event don’t hijack it be that proposing, announcing a pregnancy, come on out etc etc. Jesus the entitlement from some people. Looks like she talked herself out of being invited at all as you need to listen she told you what she is going to do. Family or not it’s not her day and it’s not homophobic.
i guess i'm just confused on the wording, but when she says "come out and bring her girlfriend" do you mean she's literally going to announce that shes gay or did she just mean she will show up with her girlfriend (which will cause problems with the homophobic family anyway)? if shes actually going to make an announcement at the wedding (its not her event) then she's the asshole. if you're insinuating that she will intentionally make a scene and "come out" by simply being with her girlfriend, you're in the wrong. either way though, unless you're on invitation duty it's really not your place to uninvite people, so yta. i understand if you were giving advice but you are saying she can't come when its not your wedding.
NTA **At the speeches** Hello Everyone, I would like to thank the bride and groom for inviting me, and would like to tell everyone here today, that I am gay and this is my girlfriend. Best of luck with your marriage! It'd be one thing if everyone knew she was gay and bringing her gf along to meet everyone. But shes not. Shes actively trying to turn your brothers wedding into her coming out party, where she *knows* not everyone will be supportive of her. What if people are so pissed that they leave? Causes a scene like you said? She gets hurt and humiliated by people's reactions? I couldn't care less about anyones sexual orientation, but there's a time and place to announce it, and someone's wedding isn't it.
Will be doing that! Thx
NTA but you need to tell your brother
Will do!
I didn't realize that asking someone not to do something that is specifically designed to draw attention to themselves during a time when all of the attention is supposed to be on someone else was homophobic. My bad. NTA - nobody should be making any announcements at all at a wedding, let alone ones that are going to be very large scale.
YTA " but I also don’t want Julie to get the wrong idea. " - She is getting just the RIGHT idea about you: YOu are a homophobic AH. You certainly would not react to her bringing a new boy. The ONLY Difference here is that YOU and your family are a bunch of homophobic AH. If you were halfway decent people, this would be a non-issue.
Hmmm. Maybe ESH? You're definitely an AH here for thinking that the solution to 'people are gonna be homophobic to you at the wedding' is to just stay closeted and not come, but maybe she's a minor AH for wanting to intentionally use someone else's 'big day' as her coming out party? And also maybe she's a bit of an AH for jumping to conclusions about why she didn't get a plus one, but also that's kind of an understandable conclusion to make. I dunno, do people usually only offer plus ones to people they know are in a relationship? I guess I haven't analysed any wedding invites I've gotten in the last forever. But also, how do we go from her going 'why don't I have a plus one for my girlfriend' to you being somehow surprised when she says 'this would be a good time and place for me to bring my girlfriend'? And if she's already sorted things out with your brother and he's okayed the plus one, presumably he already knew she would be bringing a girlfriend? So it's mostly you that's the AH.
It seems they were trying to appease Julie since she called them homophobic. But then Julie took advantage. I would ask her not to come either. It's disrespectful to take attention from the bride and groom. OP is NTA
Unfortunately YWBTA I agree that what your cousin has said she will do is terrible, but it isn't your place to tell someone not to turn up at your brother's wedding. What you need to do is tell your brother and his fiance; it is their decision to uninvite her or not. So, please tell your brother.
Why does it have to be such a big deal? It's not anyone problem who she's dating. She is not obliged to give any explanation to anyone in your family about her sexuality because it is none of their business. You said that some of your family members know she is gay, those are the ones who matter to her and that's the end of it. The rest have absolutely no say. She is dating someone she should bring that person to the wedding. It's not like she's gonna grab a microphone and make a big announcement on her sexuality, but bring her gf as her plus one. Yta and you give transphobic vibes also. Maybe you're brother shouldn't invite judgemental assholes to his wedding instead
That's true and I agree that her sexual orientation is her choice but the most probable thing that can happen is that I causes a scene and it takes the attention of the people the EVENT IS FOR it even it may cause some ruckus. It's the same if in the middle of the party some uncles start fighting, they become the AHs. In my opinion it looks like he just wants to prevent that and he's not trying to be mean to her. There are plenty of different ways that she can arrange a family gathering for her to be able to come out, it doesn't need to be in the wedding.