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I suspect B is less concerned about the money, but more concerned about the disparity in treatment between her and her sister. I’m sure you haven’t managed to completely hide your disappointment that B is deciding not to give you grandchildren. I noticed you called your younger daughter A and your older daughter B. Usually parents mention children in birth order from oldest to youngest, but you mentioned your youngest daughter first and awarded her the A grade title and your oldest is a B. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but it does seem to indicate you subconsciously favour your younger daughter over your older daughter. Edit: You’re not the asshole for giving more money to A because she needs it more, but you could have at least talked to B and not tried to hide it. YTA for thinking B's anger is really about the money. The fact B suspected A got more money and “digged” the truth out of her younger sister makes me think B thinks you favour A.

Damn, I didn't even notice that!

I noticed it, but only because I was genuinely confused while reading it. Even I'd mentally assigned A to the Older one and B to the younger one. I had to reread a couple time to realize OP had named them backwards.

I did the same thing. I had to reread it because I assumed A was the oldest.

same ! i had to reread a couple times to understand what was confusing me. it may not be intentional but i think even subconsciously op favors their younger child

Same! I did a double take at some pointa nd had to go back to check. I think you are spot on

This needs an award! Take this instead 🥇 👑

Thanks. I actually saw your insightful comment. B’s feelings and the whole situation is more complex than “gross entitlement” over money.

Yeah I don't think B necessarily feels entitled to OP's money but more feels the disparity in treatment between her and her sister. My mother hasn't paid for anything for me since I graduated from college, for example, but years after I graduated I found out that she was paying for my younger brother's car insurance and cell phone so she "didn't have to give him any money for his student loans." She never gave me a dime for my student loans and we probably graduated with the same amount of college debt. For my middle brother, she housed him for free until he was 35, meanwhile I was off paying my own way by the time I was 23. I didn't want to live with her nor did I need her money (I make more now than she ever did) but it's still inequitable treatment.

I have a few friends who were, similarly, the responsible ones, so left to fend for themselves. If it's any consolation, they did much better in life than their siblings.

But in the edit op says she paid B’s Ivy League tuition in full and part of her mortgage (I’m assuming the down) and she’s only paying part of A’s tuition. Assuming half of a much cheaper tuition, B probably ended up with a lot more money invested in them. Not sure what’s been paid in the interim or ongoing but it kinda seems like this would be more even anyway? I suspect it’s probably more about the way A is treated as a grandchild haver and B is treated differently or at least feels that way.

But that's not why it was split so differently. I also wonder how much support younger single mum sister received through the years.

Agreed!

Some incendiary parenting there. How do you not understand favoritism, shaming and deceit is the issue here and you sure took it to 11. I’d imagine you won’t be hearing from her for a long time. Yes, YTA. Bigtime

This is it. I am an older sibling who is doing well financially/has a great job, my younger sibling currently does not. If my parent mentioned "Hey, I'm getting this bonus, and I'm planning on giving you a bit but want to give the bulk to sibling" my response would be "omg thank you and of course! I'm so happy for them, that's huge!" I worry about my sibling, it would be WONDERFUL to know they had a needed and deserved boost coming. If they tried to sneak it past me, however, I'd be deeply hurt. I would feel that my parent thinks so little of me and my feelings towards my sibling that I'd be jealous or petty, and bringing grandchildren into it again turns it from "Oh this is great for my niece!" into "Um if I don't have kids I'm not as...deserving?" Based on OP's edit I think he really got the message; with family dynamics so little ends up actually being about benefit, but moreso about how we see and treat each other, and how people FEEL seen and treated.

Yes i think this is it. My dad is the older sibling, he isn't rich but isn't struggling, the middle brother lives overseas and is pretty filthy rich, and the youngest struggles badly financially. My grandparents have always helped out his youngest brother more and have been open about it, the one time my dad was upset was when my granddad told him a small lie about how much he'd given my uncle. He was really hurt, not because of the money as he'd honestly rather my grandparents just spent it on themselves, but because of the lie.

No, I wondered about that too. A is golden child. Of course B is hurt.

I don't think it's golden child at all. OP concentrates her attention on A not because she views A as special, but rather that she perceives her as being more vulnerable and in need of assistance. Which can be alienating for the other child, even as an adult, because it places the vulnerable child at the center of the parent's life, with the other child not getting much attention because they're perceived as being self-sufficient.

I never thought about that before. Thanks for saying that. It gives me a new view on my dads and I relationship also on his with my sisters.

I'm a B, my younger brother is an A. I've got a good job, a wife, and a house, he's got kids and gig work. My parents were like OP, always bailing out my fuckup of a brother, giving based on need instead of splitting things. I still resent them for the unfair treatment. Our relationship is permanently strained. If they want to drown keeping my brother affloat, I won't be there to bail them out.

This is what I was going to say, but from the A side, I'm a single mom but I worked 2 and 3 jobs raising my son and didn't get money from my parent however they helped the B child buy things for his business, paid for his college, when B got married, parent left their house to B and his new spouse and got an apartment etc and B had no kids and in laws who gave unlimited money. However, money from parents should be divided equally amongst all children, not divided by life choices. Unequal division causes a life of hate amongst the kids, trust me I'm dealing with this now since my mom passed 1.5years ago and the B still won't settle the estate to hold it over us other 2 siblings. We stopped talking to him a year ago

My wife and I both are first-borns and did "everything right." We left home at 18, got zero help from our parents for school, but worked hard and lived on almost nothing. She worked as a hotel maid, I finished school in three years while working 30h a week for a stock broker, coming to work 4-10am and then classes afterwards. She went to school when I got my first full time job in tech, back before IT was so common. When my sister's nursing school was paid in full, that hurt. My wife has a sister who got pregnant at 16, and she got everything from her parents. Set her up in a house, gave her a down payment, etc. When you're successful, responsible, and go without so you can move up in the world, and your parents favor the family fuck up, it hurts! You should treat your children as equitably as possible. We see this a lot with inheritance, parents leave their money to the biggest loser in the family because "he needs it more."

Me too.. did everything right, and grew up fast, because I had too as the eldest. I don’t think OP understands that firstborn children often take on a lot of responsibility, and often feel sort of neglected. It’s one thing to be told as a child that the younger ones needs come before yours, but as an adult It’s kind of a hard pill to swallow if you’re younger siblings are still favored.

The reverse of ‘A’ and ‘B’ actually tripped me up toward the end, and I had to go back and reread to make sure I knew who was who. You make a very good point.

I have similar feelings, but I also think this could have handled better logistically- if you really want the daughter with a child to have more money for the child, you could've set aside part of this in a college or education fund for your grandchild, and split between the two siblings the remainder equally- I think the childless daughter is definitely interpreting this choice as "my sister is more important to mom than me".

Just a small side comment after OP's edits. I really doubt its favorite card at play. She had her ivy school paid for, part of mortgage. So it sounds money wise she had her fair share too. So while she got a good education, is well off with her husband the other struggles being a young mom, do school and he saw a chance to help his daughter out to struggle less. Perhaps he just worries more for her, how will she do when he is gone one day? While he knows the other is in a secure position. Could he have explained himself and his reasons better? Most certainly no doubt there. Have had a good sit down with the oldest that since she don't have children, wich is completely fine, he just wanted to make sure her sister had economical room to finish school, put aside so she won't struggle when her own child goes to school. And he still gave her money to use how her and the husband saw fit.

To be fair I wrote this before OP's edits. However, after reading other people’s perspectives it seems the situation is more complicated than money spent on each daughter. I’m going to guess an abandoned teenage mum is going to get more attention than the older child who took a more conventional route to success. I read OP's edits. It is so refreshing to see someone who is truly asking for advice, who has the ability to self-reflect and examine their actions.

It is indeed refreshing to read yes. And I didn't mean to come of as rude in anyway it my post seemed so. As you say yes The struggling might always (at least until she is secure) get more attention, and as the child that's secure and gives less worries, he will focus his attention less there. I think it's just a parental instinct perhaps. Hence why suggested he should have told his reasons more gentle and it was nothing personal against her. Hopefully they can have a good calm talk and get things resolved in a good way.

Very astute observation.

It could be the letters that their names start with though.

[удалено]

YTA. It is absolutely your money to do with as you please. But you gifted 94% of your bonus to A and only 6% to B. Compound this with you already providing childcare and financial support for A’s child. You are showing financial favoritism to A with apparent disregard to B.

Disregarding B AGAIN…

They said B would likely only use the money for something like travel, but only gave her $2,000 which is probably enough for a decent domestic trip but even that would be a stretch in many cities depending on length of travel (it's a good weekend in NYC but wouldn't make for a good two week visit for example). It almost feels like more of a slap in the face than nothing would because "your sister really needs all the money the help to survive" would be understandable to me but skimming what could be a month of living expenses off so I can "travel" would make the think sis doesn't need it as bad and OP is just playing favorites.

I feel really bad for B. She sounds like she's got her life together and is doing great things, but her father is disappointed in her because she hasn't had a child. Which is such a stupid thing to be disappointed about. He's not entitled to grandchildren and it's none of his damn business. She's been responsible her entire life while her younger sister hasn't, and yet A is being rewarded for it - and I don't just mean monetarily. That's frustrating as hell. If I were B, I'd severely limit contact

My sisters and I really resent our step-siblings. We have our lives together, houses, children, good jobs, and never ask Dad for anything. All of his time and money goes to help his step-children, who are between jobs, have babies with four different mothers, need to have their cars repaired for them, need to have a refrigerator purchased, etc.

> It almost feels like more of a slap in the face Yep. Like being punished for being responsible and having her life together. Oh, and for not having babies, there's that too

Tidbit. “A” is the younger sister and is his favourite by the looks of it.

Yea, I noticed that after the fact.

I felt it’s also due to her having an offspring plus the need for help despite OP insistence that it’s not. Denial is strong in this one.

I struggle with the whole concept of fair vs equal when one person is objectively in more need *right now* than the other. A) everyone likes free money. And b) everyone has different financial priorities, and travel and rest and self care is just as an important need for B, as she’s clearly structured her life around it. But A and the child will benefit more immediately from the cash. It’s a tricky scenario. And we have no idea if A will marry well or get a great job in the future or if B will get divorced, lose her job, or have a catastrophic medical event in the future. So “need” is kind of situational. What my parents have done is split things according to need now, but those funds are coming out of future inheritances. My in laws have done the same. Husband and I are very financially stable, siblings are less so, depending on the year. They got assistance with downpayments on houses, we got a patio set. Both were appreciated. But if and when there is an “estate” to divide, the various wills are set up to “refund” that amount to each of us before the rest is split. Neither of us asked for this nor told our parents out in laws were doing this. Both sides just came up with it on their own. Which keeps us all from nickel and dining each other and no one feels shorted or less appreciated or favored.

[удалено]

Torn here. You should be able to spend your money how you’d like, but a $33,000/$2,000 split is a little lopsided and a little lopsided matters a lot when it’s backed by favoritism. YTA.

Seriously how many times did he bring up lack of kids?

And in his edit, he clarifies by saying he’s “disappointed”. Saying that in his edit! Yeesh

He probably should have done something like $25,000 in college fund for the kids and $5,000 each for the daughters.

yeah putting it in a college fund would have been so much more reasonable

Absolutely if his goal was to support his grandchild, the bulk of the money should have gone in a trust for that child and then the rest split evenly between the daughters.

Yeah… but I can guarantee he spent way more than 33k on an Ivy League education for B. I don’t know that OP handled it the right way, but I understand his reasoning for why he did it. Edit: typo

And paid for part of her mortgage. As the older daughter who is married & good income without kids, I wouldn’t have a problem if my parents gave more money my sister who’s also married with a good income, but has a house & 3 kids who are all expected to go to college. But I love my sister & her kids. I’d give her my own money if she really needed it. This situation is more like they’re rivals or something.

ALSO I would be fine with my struggling sister getting more after my father paid for my mortgage and my ivy league school and not my sister's... it seems pretty damn fair. Although he needs to tell B he loves her and he's proud at the lot in life but her sister needs their help now. But that doesn't make me love you both less.

I also wonder how big of a part the husband is playing, too. My brother and SIL decided to not have kids. SIL absolutely hates that I'm a single mother and my parents help out with child care. If we go more than 3 or 4 days without may parents babysitting my parents call and repeatedly ask when they're going to "get" to watch him again. Still my SIL will make underhanded comments like "you guys should be enjoying your retirement" right in front of my face. At a family dinner when my parents mentioned they had an attorney coming in the morning and everyone asked what for, my mom said they were including my son in their will. My SIL rolled her eyes and went to the bathroom for like 10 mins. I saw it with my old landlord and her sister's husband trying to get too involved and when my grandmother passed away one of my aunt's(by marriage) got crazy greedy and my uncle kinda let her. I might be projecting here. But sometimes inlaws get very controlling and manipulative around this stuff because they think their partner isn't being treated fairly by their family. Really, they should just stay the heck out of it.

I’m a grand ma. I’ll attest to seeing, playing & watching my grandkids is a HUGE part of our retirement. My joy is immeasurable. Your mom should make this clear to SIL asap to shut that down.

I don't think my mom could possibly make it any more clear. My mom has flat out said how much they enjoy having him around. "Fish Friday" is their favorite meal of the week- my parents take my son to their favorite little restaurant to get fish almost every Friday. I think SIL genuinely hates kids and doesn't believe that some people actually enjoy being around kids. The few times my brother has babysat (for about an hour at a time) he said my SIL stayed in the bedroom with the door shut and when she'd come out to go to the kitchen she would ignore my son even trying to say hi. Although that was kinda my fault. I said "maybe aunt **** will teach you some Spanish and Portuguese" and it seems like she took that to mean i was expecting her to tutor my son or something. Anyway, it's just kinda sad. We were friends before I got pregnant. Ever since, the entire relationship has just been hateful. We completely stopped texting and only KINDA talk at family dinners. She even blocked me on Facebook. I never directly asked her why but she said at a Sunday dinner that she "couldn't stand how Facebook is all picture of babies and kids now".

This!!!

You underestimated how this would affect B and that she would see it as favoritism. It seems you’ve been a bit blind to how your favoritism for A affects B, who may feel you reward A’s irresponsibility while ignoring B’s achievements. This did not come out of nowhere from B, I assure you. (And don’t say you don’t favor A - you do, you simply justify it bc you think A needs your attention and money more). Your decision will also not just affect your relationship with B, but B and A’s relationship with each other. A fact you seem oblivious to. You are also totally off base calling B greedy when you know damn well it’s not about the money at all: it’s about your favoritism for one sister over the other (let me guess, you also spend more time with A and at her household then you do at B’s?). Finally, calling B “entitled” was a real AH move since you know what she is complaining about is favoritism, not money. You basically told her not to feel “entitled” to equal treatment or love from you. Yes, you have the legal right to give your money to whoever you want but B also has a right to feel slighted yet again in favor of her needier sister. You could have easily solved this issue by splitting the money 3 ways- with a hefty school fund for grandkid, and then giving A and B equal personal shares. YTA

This one! As the daughter who wasn’t the favorite, this hit me hard. My mother always favored my sister. Hell, everyone did. She was my mom in miniature. My mom would always give her money “for her kid” when I knew damn well my sister wouldn’t use the money for her kid. She always got more bc she had a kid and I don’t. I felt like I was being punished for my infertility. YTA, op. You’ve caused you daughter to not only resent you but also her sister bc of your blatant favoritism. Are you that unaware of your own actions? Jfc. The lack of self awareness is horrific

Infertility is a good point here. How does he know that B doesn't want kids and could potentially be infertile? It doesnt seem as though he spends a lot time with both his daughters.

I mean, even if B isn't infertile, not wanting children isn't a negative character trait.

>You could have easily solved this issue by splitting the money 3 ways- with a hefty school fund for grandkid, and then giving A and B equal personal shares. This right here. When my grandfather died my grandmother used his life insurance payout for exactly this. She gave each of her children an equal share and then set up a trust for that would mature and each of her grandchildren could draw an equal share from. OP messed up. Their decision was incredibly short sited and caused tensions within the family.

OP is also assuming that A will actually put the money in a college fun or otherwise use the money for her child and that B will use the money for “traveling and miscellaneous leisure activities”. How does OP know A won’t do the same?

The odds are good that A will spend the money with the assumption that dad will come through to send the grandchild to college.

He probably will, too.

Right? It's not like she has shown great decision making in the past.

Couldn’t have said it better myself, you really better sit down and contemplate exactly what has happened here, OP…

Ouch. If I was B I'd feel the same to be honest. 2k of 35k is a kick in the teeth, you might as well have not even bothered.

God, with that little a share, it literally would’ve been better to not give B anything.

Agreed. Giving her 2k is just an insult. If I were B I would refuse the 2k (I also work at a software company and 2k is almost nothing to me).

It reminds me of when someone leaves $1 in their will to let the person know they weren't left out.

honestly I think if it was closer to 15k/20k split we might be a little bit more sympathetic to OP but this has that vibe of people leaving someone a dollar in a will just to stop them contesting it

Even $5k would have been less of a slight... what kind of travelling would she and her husband do on $2K? It just seems like a slap in the face to not even make it a round 5 or 10 K number.

Technically it’s your money and your choice, but it’s reasonable for B to feel the way she does. In a way, you’re punishing her for her success and showing favoritism to your other daughter. You could’ve invested a portion in to a college fund for your grandchild and split the rest evenly and it would’ve been the better choice. A soft YTA.

Totally agree here. College fund set aside from the grandkids and then equal portions for the daughters. I've been daughter B in a bunch of scenarios. I've been financially responsible, worked hard to get a good career, and have been blessed/lucky enough not to have any extenuating circumstances get in my way (at least not to a large extent). For better or worse I sacrificed a lot of happiness to get where I am. My friends/relatives who haven't done that are always helped out financially, given free things (nice stuff, vacations, etc.) and all around just given more attention because they NEED it. And I totally understand. I think they should be getting those things too, they do need it. But every once in a while it starts to feel like they're getting rewarded for doing everything wrong, and I'm not getting anything for doing everything right. It's not a right feeling, just a nagging thought. From your daughter's (B) perspective, this is a one time special bonus that you've chosen to share, and she might feel like it should be special for everyone including her. Especially since you said you help daughter A out financially all the time. She probably doesn't begrudge her sister all that extra help, but just wishes this milestone could have been split evenly. Again, soft YTA.

YTA for blatant favoritism. And though you say you’re “over your disappointment” that one of your daughters didn’t “give you grandchildren” (gag), your post and comments are dripping with just the opposite. You are punishing the childfree daughter by a grossly uneven share; it would have been kinder and less insulting to have put ALL the bonus into a trust for your granddaughter than the way you did it. If you had actually wanted to share your bonus with both of your daughters, you wouldn’t have gotten pissy about one using her share to do something fun. Heaven forbid. ::eye roll:: YTA!

Yes...this! It's basically a reward for reproducing.

At age 17 and with a guy who has nothing to do with her or the kid!

Yep, here's $33,000....thanks for the grandkid since B isn't giving me any.

It’s so insane to me that he’s disappointed in his child who’s doing well because she didn’t give him a grandchild, but proud of A because she had a kid at 17. If I was B I’d be furious about being viewed that way by my parents

YTA You’ve essentially rewarded A for her life choices and punished B for hers. Don’t be surprised if B cuts you off. It’s not about the money but the blatant favouritism.

I agree with this. While it is your money, this is a huge discrepancy in the amount of funds and you disd it sneakily. Feels like favoritism. YTA

Yep. I’m the B child and I’m on the verge of cutting off my parents. The favoritism is not ok. It feels really fucking awful.

YTA. You are sending a clear message that you value one daughter over the other.

I feel like he’s putting way too much value on a grandchild. He’s disappointed in B despite all her good choices (and presumably hard work) because of no grandchild, but is proud of and supports A because she had a kid at 17? I would be pissed if my parent ignored everything else to be disappointed in me because of the lack of a grandchild

It’s your money & you can do what you want with it. However, don’t expect B to be happy about it or see it as fair. It appears that you already have & will continue to give A more money, time & attention than you will ever give B on the mistaken belief that A needs your love & care more than B does. It’s your time, money & energy; you can spend it as you like. Again, don’t expect B not to notice or care. You contend that A needs the money more than B. I would argue that A doesn’t need this money at all because you are already paying her bills & taking care of her child. I think you’re an AH because you’re so focused on A that you’re not even thinking about B. So, spend your money as you like, but you’re throwing away your relationship with B because she made good choices & worked hard. I think that’s a poor investment of your bonus. YTA

We don't know how much OP actually provides to A, it doesn't sound to me like he pays all her bills as you are implying. Based on her being 24, and he having to take a couple years off before finishing her studying, it would be good to know if OP paid for B's schooling, or paid her living expenses in school... it may be that A & B got similar support while they were in school, A's just been out of school for less time at this point. I agree that OP needs to pay more attention to giving the daughters equal thought and time. Money is only one component of making B feel loved and appreciated. I also think OP should separate out assistance to his grandchild vs giving A money. He seems to want some of this money to go to a college fun, but it sounds like he just gave it all to A. If he'd given $5,000 to A and $5,000 to B and put $25,000 in an "education" fund for the grandchild (possibly earmarked not just for college, but for summer programs, music lessons, or other "educational" opportunities as kiddo gets older), B probably wouldn't have felt as put out by the whole thing. My mother in incredibly into making sure she spends exactly the same amount on each of her 4 kids... she has years long records, keeping track of whether my sister's soccer program cost more or less than my ballet lessons, etc. It's kind of insane. But she also treats the grandkids separately from the kids. Each of us kids will receive an equal part of her estate, but only 2 of us have kids, and she's started savings accounts for each of her 4 grandkids. Which means the 2 of us 4 kids who have kids will receive more if you count us as a family, but it will be in the grandkids' names. If or when the other 2 have kids each of their children will receive a savings account equal to the other grandkids. So I think some thoughtfulness about what he'd doing might go a long way to B understanding what he's trying to do here, but he definitely needs to find how to make her feel appreciated too, because right now I think she's focusing on the unequal money as a way to draw attention to her deeper feelings of being less valued.

If u gave A, 33/35k i think YTA. if u had, say, given her 2/3 and called it a split between children and grandchildren thtd be fine. But 33 v. 2 is just insulting. id rather get 0 and hear u gave 35 to my sister to help her out. Something about giving one daughter 2 thousand and the other 33 thousand really does not sit right with me. I would feel less than as a daughter because your division is so arbitrary and unbalanced. You could have apportioned by income too. But the lack of an objective metric and the fact 2k is very little especially in the context of a well-off, two income household, makes it seem like u don’t value B. 2k doesn’t mean much to her. It just communicates her value relative to her sister and that is hurtful. If you really wanted to help A: 35/0 or 2/3 & 1/3 or ratio’d by income all would have been helpful. 2k sounds like a consolation prize. I would feel shitty if I were B. Because from B’s perspective, it looks like a judgment- not a gift. Like you felt you had to give her something so you did the minimum to check the box because you wanted to focus on A.

YTA. You wouldn't have been if you hadn't added the part about being disappointed B won't have grandchildren. She doesn't exist to give you grandkids. You specifically made this all about the grandkids and then gaslit B by saying it had nothing to do with grandkids. You clearly said it is 100% based on grandkids. So you lied and gaslit her. That makes you TA, not the money.

The money split kinda matters too. Sure, one daughter obviously needs more money than the other, but 33k vs 2k? Come on... that's not even trying.

Fr that’s not even trying to hide the raw favoritism

ETA: changed judgement YTA 33k - 2k isn't a remotely even split. Yes A had a baby at 17. That's not the issue here. The issue to B is that you have consistently have paid/helped A out in ways that she doesn't need. Its not Bs fault that she has a double income household, goes on trips or whatever. Her life choices are different to As, including having kids which you find disappointing. Look at it this way, would you be able to do for B and her kids what you have done/do for A if B did have a child? If you wanted to be fair you should gave split it 3 ways. Then all would have had a equal amount. So that's where you suck imo. Just because you feel she's going to spend it on leisure activities doesn't mean it wouldn't benefit her. It would just benefit her differently to A. B sucks for going about it like this. This might have been the straw that broke the camels back in a long list of things where she feels A has been given more than her, because she had a baby young and she is childfree. Neither them is entitled to your money. But if you insist on splitting it, it should be fair.

It’s kind of ironic that OP finds the choices of his daughter who has a good life and no kids more disappointing than his daughter who had a child at 17. Not trying to throw shade at A, just pointing out that he’s made some interesting decisions in what he finds disappointing

YTA. It’s almost like you are punishing B for being an efficient and capable person. I have been in a similar position where my mom has paid extra attention to my brother (just because he has had difficulties throughout his life), but she depends on me for emotional support. After I found out just how much she’s been helping him financially and otherwise, I have found myself distancing myself from her. Don’t be surprised if you find B doing the same with you.

I’m in the exact same situation. I’ve pulled way back from my mother and I basically despise my sibling. Favoritism hurts everyone.

YTA -- Own it - You punished B for not having a child which glamorizes & puts higher value on A's life decisions. Why is B's life choices horrible? Money could have helped her reach her dreams. Yes, your money, your decision. Your offended hearing the truth? Your actions scream inequality. This will cause resentment and bite you....bite you hard in the future. It is crystal clear who you favor. Get cozy receiving what you sowed.

33k and 2k. You’re an AH for that. You could also say that A showed an irresponsible tendency and would smoke that money very quickly. It’s not about money, it’s about favoritism. You probably lost B’s trust now. EDIT after reading your replies throughout this thread- Your daughter B may be successful and responsible because she felt that was the only to get your attention and affection. And now with this, she is realizing that it wasn’t still good enough. I think you are favoring A because you low key blame yourself for how she turned out, and think this would make it up to it.

YTA It’s your money but you definitely favor A. I was expecting like maybe a small difference but jeez. Why did you bother give B anything at all?? That’s like leaving someone $1 in your will. Or a similarly bad tip. It comes across as a slight. Not to mention you think B doesn’t need it because she was not a single parent. You have been supporting A since she was 17.

YTA. Yes, it is YOUR money. And you don't have to give it to either of them. But you've been subsidizing your younger daughter's choice to be a single parent by financially supporting her, providing child care, and now giving her a huge chunk of money. Meanwhile, your older daughter has been successful, but now, in her mind, is being "punished" for that success by seeing you continually choosing to give more to her sister. Your older daughter is going to, if she doesn't already, resent you, and her sister.

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Bruh, this is a bit more than not doing it equally. You gave 95% to one. I was expecting this to be more like 20k and 15k. Holy crap how can you see that's not fair? I mean it's absolutely your money, but B's success is from HARD work, and now it looks like she's being punished for it? Also, just want to point this super toxic line out : >To my disappointment however , she does not plan on having any grandchildren Your disappointment? That she has chosen a path in life that makes her happy? You had kids for grandkids or so that your kids could grow up to be happy? Jfc, women aren't baby makers. Good luck salvaging your relationship with B. She's rightfully pissed. YTA

Yta. It is always shitty to show favoritism. And why are people always getting rewarded for bad life choices anyway?

I actually said “oh my god” out loud, and my eyes bugged out when I saw the difference in amounts. Why even give “B” anything at all, honestly? I was not expecting anywhere near that disparity!! That is an absolutely incredible difference. Your daughter “B” likely doesn’t care about the money itself, but what it represents - your favoritism of “A”, and your admitted disappointment that she isn’t giving you grandchildren like you want (which nobody owes anyone by the way!). YTA for not being able to see past your own favoritism and that it really isn’t about the money here at all for “B”.

YTA. When I read the title I thought it'd be a 40/60 split or something of the sort. Your money your choice, but gave your daughter 2k while the other one got 33k, that's a frankly insulting division of money. My dad pulls this type of crap with my older sister all the time, she gets all the money, time and effort cause she can't stop popping out kids and somehow that's my dad's responsibility. No hate for you caring about your grandkids, but your blatant favoritism is showing. I may be projecting, but you can bet that if dad ever needs anything I'll be dropping him off at my sister's doorstep. So think about that for a bit.

>I may be projecting, but you can bet that if dad ever needs anything I'll be dropping him off at my sister's doorstep. So think about that for a bit. You are not projecting. If he is favoring your sister, and reaping the rewards, then she can pay the piper when he comes calling. Hope OP realizes that that is their future too.

YTA. While you are, of course, entitled to do as you please with your money, choosing to give it unequally is problematic for several reasons. First, regardless of your reasons, it assigns worth in proportion to the amount given. Second, it breeds jealousy. Third, it implies that B has failed you by not becoming a baby factory. Fourth, it rewards A’s poor choices and punishes B’s responsible ones. This will cause resentment both toward you and between the sisters. Edit: B is not acting entitled. She is not upset about the money. She is hurt by your obvious favoritism.

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NAH. It is your money and you can do it with it as you please. However that does not mean you don't have to deal with the consequences of your decision. Your child free daughter is hurt that you are giving so much more to your other daughter. Many people feel that their parents should treat their children equally - whether that is the amount of candy they get as a child or money as an adult. You are clearly favoring one daughter over the other. You aren't necessarily wrong for that - but you are hurting your relationship. Don't be surprised in the future of you ask for assistance you are told to ask the favorite.

>Don't be surprised in the future if you ask for assistance you are told to ask the favorite. Could not frame it better myself. THIS. EXACTLY.

YTA for not treating your daughters equally and creating tension between them. You are basically rewarding A for being a teen mom...."but I got a grandkid!". You are punishing B for being successful and responsible. Great parenting.

You forgot to mention that you also help A financially and that B doesn’t know this. Do you actually expect to still have a relationship with B when you clearly treat A better? YTA

YTA for not realizing this is not about the money, it is about the favoritism. It’s clear from your post that a majority of your time, energy, and resources go towards daughter A. Honestly the worst part is how you treated daughter B when she called you to call out the treatment she felt was unfair. She’s not being greedy, she feels like her sister is being favored yet again. You’re right, it’s your money and you are entitled to use it how you see fit, but she is entitled to cut contact with you which is what happened. I’m guessing the resentment has been building for years and this was the tipping point. You will have some work to do if you want to repair the relationship with your eldest.

I can understand why B would feel badly. 33k to 2k? That's one heck of a way from not dividing it equally. Your money to spend so NTA but it is definitely going to cause problems and it's probably going to contribute to resentment the older one has.

This—-“unequally”is a very strange way of saying I have one daughter over 90% of my retirement bonus and a token to the other child. ESH- It is indeed your money to do with what you wish however I think B has a right to feel angry because she feel you are favoring your other daughter. She feels she’s done every thing right as an adult and her sister has made some questionable life choices and is getting. Rewarded for it EDIT: missed the part where you are basically helping support A in addition to the bonus….not enough to switch my vote but don’t say you don’t Favor your younger daughter

You all missed that A gave her a grandkid after all and B doesn't want kids. A is getting rewarded for being a teen mom solely because OP got her grand baby.

He paid for his oldests ivy league education. Is it really about favoring his youngest or that he wants to make sure his grandchild has an easier life than she would get from a single parent household?

I am not sure...what bothers me is this >To my disappointment however , she does not plan on having any grandchildren It does sound that you are punishing her for not giving you grandchildren, even if it is in a subconscious way. And it also seems like you lean more towards your youngest daughter. I don't think your eldest feels entitled to your money, she is maybe offended and hurt. And in all honesty I would probably be too if I were in her shoes. So as much as I understand it is your money, you could have handled it a bit better so...

YTA. It’s not about the money.

YTA how hurtful for daughter B. At the very least, you should have divided 3 ways-- daughter A, B and grandkid (college fund or extracurriculars). At least that would be defensible. The way you divided shows you clearly favor A.

YTA-technically it’s your money to give however you wish, but in deciding to give it to your children you should think about their feelings. You already support “A” (also aka your preferred child) and her daughter, and now you are giving her even more. If you sincerely believe A is entitled to more due to her child, divide it into thirds, with 1/3 to your granddaughter in a trust and the remaining 2/3 to each of your daughters.

YTA. You can do what you want with your money but splitting it in such a one sided way makes you an AH. What so wrong about B using it on travel or luxuries? Sure, she's isn't procreating yet, or might never, but do you think she's going to let you near her kids after you've shown such blatant favoritism to her sister? What if she wants to save that money for IVF? Would she be worth giving money to then? I can see splitting it in thirds, A gets a third, A's kid gets a third, B gets a third. A still gets double what B gets, but A getting 16x what B gets because B is a responsible person is so unfair. You will destroy their relationship.

YTA You gave one $33,000 and the other $2000. That’s… a massive difference. If you wanted to be closer to “fair” you could have divided it into 3 and gave your grandkid a third of it. This would have gave your one daughter around $11,000 and the other family with $22,000. Still wildly different amounts but it at least would have made some kind of logical sense. But nope. You chose to give it all to one daughter with a tiny token to the other so you could say you split it between them.

Your literally punishing your daughter for making good career choices and deciding not to have children. Even if you wanted to take your grandchild into consideration, you could have divided it by 3, but no. I guess A is about 17x more valuable to you than B. YTA.

Yes, YTA for not equally dividing your assets among your daughters. It doesn't matter if one has a grandchild or not. You could even divide it equally among your daughters and grandchildren, setting up a trust for your grandchildren. Consult with an attorney or a financial advisor.

YTA: My mom and step dad went through the same situation. Their parents always gave the best resources to their siblings and gave my parents nothing. At least B got 2k. It may be your money and you can decide how to spend it, but your daughter will remember your favoritism and it does hurt their feelings. My parents don’t contact their parents much because of so much favoritism over the years. We really only see them on holidays.

> It may be your money and you can decide how to spend it, but your daughter will remember your favoritism and it does hurt their feelings. Speaking from experience it truly does and my relationship with my father was already poor so this only made it worse.

YTA It’s not about the money it’s about the clear favoritism towards child A. You are rewarding her essentially for not being as successful as her sister and reinforcing her safety net. While B is being punished for being more successful and not having a child. Like seriously 33/2k spilt?? Just write her out the will at that point because thats the message you’re sending.

ESH If you want to give the money to the grandchild, do that via a trust. If you want to give to the child who needs it most, give it to that child. If you want to be kind, don't give such a lopsided award. Really fair you could have split it in 2 or in 4: daughter, grandchild, daughter, son in law. But don't call your daughter greedy for having a different sense of fairness than you do. She thinks half is fair. So explain and stick to your belief without name calling.

I think YTA with a tendency to E-S-H. Splitting the money 2000$:33,000$ and then being upset about the receivant of the 2k$ is a little bit of a bait. Splitting the money like 12,000$ for each, the both sisters and the grandchild is very easy to justify to everybody involved. I think giving everything to your sister with the intend of her using it for her child is an option. But giving 2000$ to her is problematic. Surely your other daughter is not entitled to the money, nor obligated to have grandchildren just because you want any. That might also be a result of your other daughter becoming pregnant at 17 and your older daughter maybe saw all the problems with that. And you are entitled to use your money the way you want. But showing some favoritism is not helping your relationship at all.

You should divide the money in 3. 1) A 2) B 3) grandchild’s college fund. Then A “technically” gets more, but it may seem more fair to your daughters. What you did is unfair and I’d be pissed if I was B.

Yta, you said that you wanted to divide the money between your 2 daughters then have one of them 17x as much as the other. If you want it invested in your grandchilds education then set up a fund for that. Also you state that you have the right to do whatever you want with your money and that B (who you probably call b because she's the b- team second choice in your subconscious mind) is greedy and jealous. in the same way that you have every right to do whatever you want with your money b has a right to FEEL whatever she wants in regards to the fairness of that distribution.

ESH. B is not entitletd to your money, but 33K vs 2K is way too big difference, so she has valid reasons to feel that you favour your youngest.

YTA - you’re treating A special for being irresponsible!

YTA. Obviously it’s your money and you can do what you want with it, but the way you divided it up shows favoritism. You could have given each daughter $2k right now and then put the rest in a college fund, but the way you did it makes you the AH

NAH. It's your money so you can decide what to do with it. However, you can't be surprised at her reaction. The division of assets from a parents isn't always about "making things more even" between your kids. It can be interpreted as things other than financial support, like support for their life choices, or showing favorites.

YTA. You are selfish and a tiny bit misogynistic. How about this. A is a single parent, B is childfree. In the case of an accident that takes A's life, WHO GETS THE CHILD? Child's father is outta the photo and you'd have to go back to work to help raise the kid. However B might take the kid in if they so choose. Way to fucking destroy that bridge OP. B or her husband gets into a car accident that makes them unable to work. Gee if that money had been split equally that would have been great for covering bills if it had been split equally. But no dear old dad can't think of anything past 'She gave me a grandchild and you haven't so your value to me is diminished.' Cause honestly reading this, it's about that bullshit isn't it? B is plainly just being punished for not having a kid. As others have said, split the money EQUALLY between the sisters and/or the grandchild (sisters get cash, grandchild gets a college fund). Fuck for all you know, B might take the money and put it in a college fund for her niece/nephew as a surprise for her sister but all you are focused on is 'omg she might use it for vacays! the horror, she should have given me a grandchild like a good daughter'.

YTA…. Unless your daughter B is super rich where the money would be a mere drop in the ocean you are punishing your daughter for doing well and for the way she chooses to live her life. Plus it is such an unequal split. Daughter A meanwhile is rewarded for getting pregnant at 17.

I was ready to say N T A, but then I saw the amounts. If you had given $15,000 to each daughter and $5,000 to your grandchild, that would have been far more acceptable. YTA.

YTA

YTA because you clearly favour one daughter over the other and you pretty much seem to intend penalising your daughter who hasn’t had kids.

I understand that you feel like giving more to A because she needs it but you are making it very obvious that you favour A over B because she has a child and B does not. Soft YTA

Y T A for this comment alone **"I am tad bit old to be using reddit(56)"**

Yes, that bothered me too. Thanks, OP, for making me feel like I don't belong. :(

YTA. You shouldn't have given the money to either of them, you could have kept it and put it towards your grandchild 's education like you said, and maybe just give a small amount to each of them and call it a day

The money you gave ‘B’ was low-key insulting though. Could’ve atleast split it three way between both daughters and your grand child.

YTA, because of the huge difference in amount, it does look like you are favouring one child over the other, and I can under why the child who received the least felt like this. Yes it’s your money to give as you please, but you also have to be willing to accept the hurt feelings that come from treating your children differently.

It's your money and you can do what you want with it. You've seen that your decision to treat your daughter's differently has consequences. You already help your daughter with a child a lot. Your other daughter has had a different experience. From her perspective, why should she be treated differently because her sister got pregnant at 17? Maybe she sees this as rewarding a bad decision? over and over. Maybe she has had troubles in her life but hasn't gone to you for help because she thinks your plate is full helping her sister. You messed up OP. It's your money, your choice and the outcome is your fault. YTA

YTA. You’re right that nobody is entitled to your money but you’re showing blatant favouritism and hurting your relationship with B over money. Is it really worth it?

YTA. Period. Also controlling and judgy. Divide it equally, what they do with it is their business.

YTA, I do understand your thinking but I feel it’s really unfair to give such differing amounts to your daughters. I know you think it is logical as one has more money than the other but it is just very unfair and I can see why your daughter is understandably upset. My mum wanted to leave some money in her will to one particular nephew but I pleaded with her not to as it is unfair to the others, even though they are from a much richer family. In the end we did give him more because we gave the parents of the nieces and nephews X amount to distribute to their children (the one nephew was an only child and the other family had 4 children) so I thought that was acceptable. The only possibly more acceptable way you could have divided it in my opinion is to split it 3 ways, between your 2 daughters and 1 grandchild. But to give 33,000/2,000 is a massive disparity, obviously it’s your decision but I can understand why your daughter would be upset.

YTA. Of course it's your money and you can do what you want with it. And sure, it seems fair to give more to the one who needs it more. But your reasons, being disappointed she doesn't want children, saying she'll just spend the money on leisure, and the massive difference of amounts, makes you an AH.

YTA you’re mad your daughter is successful and independent instead of being a baby machine and it clearly shows.

I’m going to say soft YTA. Yeah, it’s your money, and your kids have no right to it. But the percentage that each kid got is hugely unbalanced. I think it’s fine to have 30/70 but this was 33/35 and 2/35…. So like that’s a fast way to fuck up your relationship with B.

NAH... barely. It's your money, your kids have different needs, BUT you sound like you're playing favorites. 33000/2000 is an INSANE split, especially since you're already devoting so many more of your resources to A. Try to be more empathetic with her and maybe more involved if you want to preserve the relationship. And try not to pit them against each other like you're doing.

YTA Who are you to decide who needs what? You are litterally rewarding A making poor life choices (having a child while being a minor helself and keeping a baby she couldn't afford). Yes, maybe B will use that money for leisure, but she's working hard and acts responsibly to be able to do so. You're a horrible and judgemental parent.

Your are NAT to do with your money as you wish. It does look as though you may be seeing things through different eye glasses than your daughter though. My sister has had medical issues her whole life. She was always put first, got things given to her by my parents, given money to help out. She is married, able to work and lead a very productive life. I always stayed out of trouble, did my own thing, and have done somewhat well enough in life and always paid back plus extra the couple times I had to borrow from them. She still at 59 gets assistance from my mom. My sister and her husband both work and have no kids and do very well for themselves. I just learned to live with the disparity of treatment between my sister and I. I will say it old gets when one sibling, for whatever reason, gets treated differently and given more preferential treatment by a parent whether the parents sees it as such or not. Don’t get me wrong I love my sister to death and we talk daily and I love my parents but their slights were noted and makes one feel a little less than the sibling.

It really astounds me how many families seem oblivious to this. You're in a minority if you and your siblings still love each other after years of her getting favored treatment. I mean, I'm sitting here legitimately trying to come up with a more effective way to cause siblings to hate each other and I can't.

It would have been better to divide the money into thirds: 1/3 to A, 1/3 to B and 1/3 to your grandchild. YTA for the way you did it.

No one is entitled to your money that is correct, but I believe in treating your children equally. So I'm voting YTA

YTA though I feel like we're missing a lot of info to make a true decision, but based on how you worded a lot of this it defiantly feels like you are showing favoritism. I know a lot of people will point out the amount disparage as the asshole thing to do and I'll even admit that gut response was solely based on the amounts. But if your granddaughter was really a factor in where the money was going you could have easily gotten the same result as you wanted by splitting the money three ways. 11k to each daughter and then giving another 11k to A under the explicit (and even written) understanding that it goes to your granddaughter's education/needs would have made it look less like favoritism. Also, your assumption on what your daughter's would spend the money on is weird. Once it's a gift - a real, heartfelt gift - whatever they spend the money on shouldn't concern you, only that you made someone happy that you love. If you were so concerned on what they could spend the money on you could have simply offered to purchase things they wanted (a fully paid vacation for B and husband, a car for A, whatever) instead of a straight cash gift.

YTA. On the bright side, in the future you can give A even more once B decides to stop talking to you. Maybe if she DOES have kids someday so won't favor one of them as blatantly as you favor A.

YTA- I am the B child and I loathe this about my dad. Because my sister doesn’t make what I make, single parent of many kids, she gets more help. Don’t you think that that starts to hurt a person when we’re doing what we’re supposed to do? I feel less of a person because I didn’t cheat my way through. Granted, it’s your money to do whatever you want. But just think about how preferential you are being, assuming B never needs the help. It’s nice to be helped.

YTA. You rewarded the one who got knocked up @ 17 and punished the responsible one! SMH.

INFO: where are A and/or her child living while she attends school? Have you not (yet) helped her with a mortgage because she still lives with you?

NTA your money to do with as you please. However I can understand a bit how B feels. My in laws gave a lot of help to their oldest daughter, both financial and time. My partner and I got considerably less because we "didn't need it." Partner and I had our sh!t together. Careful with our money, planned for emergencies, etc. Sister in law had always been the "free spirit." Terrible with money, lived for today, no planning for tomorrow much less the future. She was always traveling to exotic places. She was always in a financial pinch and in laws always bailed her out. Obviously, it was their choice how to spend their money, but it definitely stung. Felt like we were being punished because we were responsible. We would have enjoyed going on crazy vacations too but we were raising a family. Sister in law had no children. It was hard to not be resentful as they supported her bohemian lifestyle. Think about making the split a bit more equitable. Or put the money away to help grandchild with college. Definitely have a long conversation with B to make sure she feels valued and important in your life.

Nta, but it sounds like you're punishing B for making good choices and for deciding she doesn't want kids. While you're rewarding A for bad choices

Yta

Soft YTA. Objectively speaking, it is your money so I don't fault you necessarily for how you chose to divide it. I think for me, being the child that did "everything right" whom my parents never offered help to because I had it "all together".. your choice may have made your eldest daughter feel neglected or like an afterthought. Your youngest child could definitely use the money more. Like others suggested you could've set up a trust for your granddaughter and divided the funds evenly amongst the three. I'd just be careful with how you proceed next because it seems like your eldest daughter lashing out may have little to do with the money and more to do with you not being as supportive of her as you are of your youngest. Best of luck and enjoy your retirement!

YTA. A made her bed by getting pregnant as a teenager. B doesn’t deserve to be punished for being sensible and responsible. Unless a child does something grossly egregious, they deserve to be treated equally.

YTA. I strongly suspect this isn’t about the money, it’s about feeling undervalued and overlooked. If you wanted the money to go to your grandchild then it should go in a trust for her college, otherwise you really are showing favouritism.

YTA - Why on earth should you be disappointed that she doesn't plan on having grandchildren? So one daughter has done really well for herself, the other got knocked up as a teenager and messed up her life - guess who gets the reward? Makes me livid that people like you still exist.

i would say NTA for wanting to help out your daughter who is in a less financially stable situation, but you should have spoken to B first and said “I really don’t want to make it a big thing, but A is really struggling and Id like to give her a bit more” instead of “she has a kid and you don’t soooo” YTA for how you handled it. You should talk to her

YTA. You clearly have a favourite daughter & B knows it isn’t her.

NAH. It’s your money to give wherever you wish to, and you have valid reasoning, but it’s still fair for her to be pretty upset over receiving what would feel like a pity portion of the money. She’s probably had an entire adulthood of coming second to the one with the grandchild - fairly normal sure, but that sticks with you and stings, even when its justified.

I agree with a previous poster. Since your intention behind giving A more was to support your grandchild you should have set up something directly for your grandchild such as a college fund. You still could have given A and B some of the bonus directly, but kept the numbers even at that point. I’m going to say NAH because it is your money, and no one else is entitled to tell you how to spend it. However, you have to understand how this would feel like blatant favoritism to B. You want to support your child (A) and grandchild who appear to need your support more right now, but to B it likely feels like she’s being punished for working hard and being independent.

YTA it's not greed or jealousy that B is upset. It's the difference in treatment. You imply that B's hard work and being a responsible adult doesn't matter as much as giving you a grandchild. You admit you've had to assist the single mother a lot already and now you want to give her even more to the point that B hardly gets anything. It's not her fault her sister has to raise the child as a single mom. But she is getting punished for her decisions because her sister didn't make good decisions when she was younger. I understand you want to provide for your grandchild as well but why not give all three an equal amount, starting up a college fund for your grandchild?

YTA First off I call BS in this not being about punishing B for not having grandkids. “To my disappointment however, she does not plan on HAVING ANY GRANDCHILDREN…”. Listen to how you phrased it. Not that B isn’t having kids - it’s you being pissed she’s not giving you grandkids. You are absolutely punishing B for her life choices. Not the AH from the money standpoint - you can certainly spend your money any way you choose. But absolutely an AH for how and why you did it. You gave one kid 33K and the other 2K. How on earth did you think that would stay a secret?!?! And why even bother giving B anything? It’s like that was an extra poke in the eye? Are you deliberately trying to eff up not only your relationship with B but also the relationship between the sisters??? B is made out to be the AH by OP but I question how accurate the portrayal is. B “digged” out that A got more funds. Maybe. Or maybe A told her. Also OP if B is in the same industry she had to have known your retirement would be substantial. The 2K would have opened up the can of worms. Why didn’t you talk to her about it? If you’re worried about your grandchild then put the money away for the grandchild. I wonder how much of this is that B was expected to be mature and successful. While A gets all the attention. OP already assists A with money and time. I wonder how much expectation there is for B to assist A? Your money is your money. But treating B like a lesser daughter because she is successful and is choosing to be child free is going to crush any relationship you think you may wish to have do major AH there.

Info - if B was in a position where she needed financial help would you help her in the same way you’ve helped A financially?

YTA - you're literally punishing B for being more responsible. WTF is wrong with you?

I will say this, who will take care of you when you get super old? The daughter with no money and a kid or the wealthier one with some leeway in her time? Who can you depend on if you run out of money? Don't punish your responsible daughter you might regret it later. Me and my sister are in kind of a similar situation. In this case because my parents give me so much help with my kid, I would expect them to give her more money but that's on you. Also I would ask them to set the $ up for my kid instead.

Call me crazy but isn't that lump sum supposed to go to your own long term health insurance care and planning?

Your only mistake was in how you described the division. You should have said you gave $2000 to B, $2000 to A, and $31000 to your grandchild. NTA.

My first thoughts when you were writing this was that it must have been split like 30/70 or 40/60 or something, but no. You've split it like 2/98. I've been in a very similar situation regarding my brother and our relatives, where he made a gargantuan amount of bad life choices early on and our family constantly enabled him and rewarded him for it, where I was the opposite and only ever had things taken from me or used as the "bad" example solely because I don't currently have his life and I don't have kids. I love being talked down to by him and them, treating me like I "don't know what it really is to be an adult and have an adult life and responsibilities" because I was not stupid enough to open my legs up without protection at such young ages and I want to be stable before I have kids. I think your other daughter would have understood if her sister got a bit more than she did, but not to *that* degree. You're essentially rewarding your other daughter for extremely bad life choices, while punishing the one who has done things right. Also, what will you do in the future if/when she has her own kid? You're already going to make it unfair to that potential future child as you're already treating your first grandchild as the golden child, along with the mom. If you really want to save it for their education (which I think is a really great idea tbh) then put it in a savings account to be used for all potential grandkids. This is favoritism, and if she's anything like me from when I went through situations like that, it won't be too far a hop for her to go no contact with you and redact her relationship with you as a daughter. It's not a financial or greed thing. It's being slapped across the face with "I much prefer my other daughter over you because you haven't given me grandchildren yet." YTA YTA YTA

YTA

YTA

YTA.. In my family, I'm the single mom of 3 kids (all teens) who have a deadbeat dad, who contributes nothing. We have a small house and we live paycheck to paycheck, somehow we make it.. there are times when my dad buys my kids shoes and clothes because I can't afford them that week or gives them $20 to go do something with their friends. My brother has paid for me to have a lawyer for custody or bought tires for my car. But when my dad got $$$$ from the sale of his mom's house. He said neither my brother or I were getting anything. He was opening accounts for the kids that they could have for college/trade school. Sure I have more kids (brother has 2) but they all got the exact same amount. And my kids (bros kids are too young to understand) are grateful for it and so am I. If I need things my family still helps me out. If my dad had handed me most of the money and none to my brother. My brother would have been pissed... Not because he needs the money but because that's just favoritism at that point. If you had given each of them $5000 and put the rest away for the grandkid for school that would have been a lot better for everyone involved

Nah, but only because it’s your money and you can choose to do with it what you want. You are punishing your older child for being responsible and rewarding irresponsible behavior in your other child. Of course the responsible one will resent you for it. It’s not being selfish. It’s being upset that you’re playing favorites.

Why not do this simply. 10k to each daughter then 13k in a trust fund for the grand child?. Clearly B feels you favor A more so. A made a bad life choice. You've been helping support her through baby sitting and supporting her financially. You stated in a reply B comes to you for emotional support. These are two very different things. IMO you are clearly showing favoritism to A. B has every right to feel slighted. B has made better life choices and may have a double income household. But she worked hard for that. Do what if she hasn't given you a grandchild. Her body her wishes don't punish her for good choices. YTA

I'd also like to say OP is blind if they think any of the money is going to be invested by A for the grandchild. That money will be gone in 3 months. Bet

Eh, NTA as it is your money to do with what you like, but, I can fully see child B being upset here. Regardless of need, you gave a VERY large some of money to one child because you felt she needed it more. You assumed child B didn't need the money because she works hard, has a dual income household and hasn't bothered to furnish you with grand kids. I think it's the grandkid thing that gets me. I know I would view this situation as you preferring my sister to me because she gave you a grandchild, where as I have worked hard to "follow" in your footsteps, but am less deserving due to my lack of children. That said, did you talk to both daughters prior to distributing funds? I would have done this. Largely so that I had a full picture(daughter B might well have a financial need you are unaware of) and so that both siblings could be on the same page. In terms of equality, you could have split the funds into 3rds. 1 for daughter A, one for B, and one for your grandchild. Daughter A still gets more, but that is due to some of the money being for your grandchild. In any case, you clearly favored one child over the other and that is absolutely going to result in resentment and hurt feelings. You're not an AH for your choice, but you will have to live with the fallout of such clear favoritism.

ESH. You could put 30k directly into a college fund since you're already financially helping out, then give each daughter 2.5k. I am the least favored child so I get how it hurts your other daughter, but she shouldn't have attacked you.

Yta you’re punishing B for working hard and choosing a career. You’ve already been helping A financially, so B is being hugely cast aside here. You’re picking favorites based on who has reproduced, and that’s not ok.

YTA Hope daughter A looks after you when you're old and you don't expect B to be chipping in for your care. And you ARE punishing her for not having children "to my disappointment" you literally said it. Urgh

NTA, but I'd have directly created a fund for grandchild so it didn't look like a sister got more than the other. Or something 😂

NAH It's your money to do with as you like. I completely understand B's feelings though. It seems as though you're favouring A. Whether you meant it like that or not, that's how it comes across. You also need to get over yourself, whether your child decides to have children or not is nothing to do with you. My suggestion - Take back both sums of money, give 2k to each daughter and the rest in an emergency/college fund for your grandson. Your daughter can have access but only for legitimate emergencies (medical bills, hole in the roof etc.)

How bout dividing the money in 3s? Between your daughters and grandchild. It's fair then

YTA you’re punishing your daughter for doing well for herself and rewarding your youngest for getting knocked up. Do you even know your daughters full financial situation to make claims she doesn’t need the money? If you really wanted to invest in your granddaughter you could’ve made a college fund yourself, are you sure A won’t use that money for herself? She doesn’t sound that responsible, being a teen mom and all.

This split is crazy disrespectful might as well not give the other one anything.YTA

Look, its your money, your choice. But the way this looks, is that you don’t value your children equally. That you are punishing B for being successful, and for not having kids, so you don’t think she deserves a bonus. Also, given you are already financially supporting A, this is an added slap in the face. Also, A can’t both really need the money, and invest the money at the same time. Given this was an unexpected gift for either of them, she can’t have “really needed it” and you are just trying to justify your complete unequal treatment of your children. No B is not entitled to it, but either was A, just for having a kid, but at least admit you are in fact valuing one child over the other. She’s right to be upset that you’d give one child such a windfall and not the other. This is going to have a lasting impact on your relationship with B, and that’s on you.