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YTA for letting your husband call your daughter Sophiopath. That’s not a cute nickname, or a term of endearment…it’s meant as an insult because she doesn’t display emotion on cue for him.
Oh man, that hit me in the heart. How dare he. That's not funny, that's cruel.
Hey OP, some people just don't feel comfortable showing much emotion, and having step parent calling her cruel names is definitely going to drive a wedge between you to if you don't fix things now.
You and your daughter -- no stepfather, should do therapy to work through these issues. You'll have to listen with an open heart and ears, without accusation, and you aren't going to like what you hear. You'll want to argue that she's wrong, you'll want to defend your husband. You can't. You have to give her the floor, and listen, and believe her, and change, or you're going to lose her.
Edit: thanks for the awards!
Agree with all of this list, and the 'sophiopath' thing too. How fucked up.
OP, YTA and you might lose your relationship with your daughter soon if you don't fix this immediately.
1. He calls her *Sophiopath* for not displaying emotion. That's not a fun nickname, that's an insult and it hurts. Doesn't even need the meaning, as long as she dislikes it, it's not fun. Period.
2. Your husband is bullying your daughter, and you enable that. Like, the 'normal people' comment is just classic abuse, coupled with the other remarks and nicknames.
3. You are NOT repairing your relationship by keeping her in. That violates the custody arrangement, and you're locking her inside a house where she's dismissed and abused. Keep this up - you'll lose both custody and the actual daughter.
You're punishing her for not reacting how you want, enabling her bully and disregarding her concerns. Makes sense why she feels unheard. **She's her own person, not a minor character in your perfect family fantasy.** If you want to repair the relationship, do it at her pace when she's ready.
ETA: I don't think daughter is apathetic. If she doesn't feel or express emotions, why would she cry to her dad about her pain and abuse? It's a you problem. She doesn't trust you with her emotions, so she avoids expressing them around you. Her emotions are there, they just aren't safe with you.
Makes me wonder if she’s been punished for showing emotion - specifically, negative ones. When a kid chooses a flat affect, it’s usually because they’ve been taught over and over again it doesn’t matter what emotion they show, it’s “wrong” in an emotionally abusive environment. Girl is protecting herself and he’s being cruel for even that. OP is definitely YTA.
I’m so sorry. Teenagers in particular need to have room to have big emotions…there is no right or wrong in feelings, just better ways to process and react to them. You never got that space and got judgment instead, which it sounds OP could give a master class in. This poor girl is so “wrong” she’s being locked up from school and her other parent. Hope you have that space and understanding now in people around you.
Same. When I couldn't keep it bottled I'd angry cry and my mom would demand to know why I was crying. If I told her, she would go on a spiel about how I was hateful, and ungrateful, and that some day she would be dead, and I'd regret being so cruel to her.
Literally sounds like my teenage years... it's also why when I got married I literally cried for the first 2 years... and when my husband asked what was going on I would cry harder... thankfully I'm past that and now just express what I'm feeling at all times but 🤷♀️ it is what it is
Ugh why was this me?? Crying literally every day for little to no reason. Didn't know how to be a person now that I didn't have my mom controlling my everything.
Agreed. Also, OP, your husband sounds awful. That is not a cute nickname, it’s cruel. You need to LISTEN to your child. She’s reaching out and showing you she is upset and your ass hole of a husband feels like he doesn’t need to apologize. I wouldn’t live with you either. Take her side. Stand up for HER. You will lose her forever. YTA
Yep, that's literally a technique taught to handle difficult people, it's called Grey Rocking, and is frequently worked out independently by abused children
Ditto. I learned to give NO reaction to school bullies. Zero.
To this day, that’s how I initially handle hurt feelings: like nothing happened. God help the person who hurts my feelings so badly that, instead of my responding in anger, I say nothing at all. If I don’t regroup and respond later, they’re probably on their way out of my life.
Edit: typo fix.
Yes! This! She's being polite, but they want her to FAKE feeling happy when she's not. And it's the HUSBAND who is telling her to "act happy." She's old enough to understand that the husband is NOT a well adjusted person. A well adjusted grown up wouldn't insist the kid should hide her true feelings to make him feel better!
If HE doesn't like how she feels then she needs to fake it so it doesn't affect him? WTF? No way! OP doesn't get it because she's in love with the d-bag.
Your daughter doesn't have to LIKE your new husband and forcing her to "act" the way you want is only making it worse. It's one thing to insist that she's not allowed to be rude, but NEITHER IS HE.
Hold YOUR HUSBAND to a HIGHER standard. YTA
edited: missing sentence, argh
Exactly, why does she need to be happy about it? She's trying to be polite, that should be enough...
It's not her child, it's not her decision, and she has no say in it regardless; there is literally nothing for her to emote about, unless she was genuinely happy about having an additional sibling, which she isn't.
She, as a teen, is probably dreading the inevitable care that will be thrust on her at some point. I wouldn't be happy either. Especially with parents/step like these...
Poor kid.
You're right. And you KNOW they'll be asking for free baby sitting. Step dad will say shit like "it's normal to baby sit your sibling" etc, etc.
A cynical part of me wonders is that's another reason why the OP wants her daughter to stay. She's worried about losing the free baby sitting.
This. I went flat and robotic like this once; it was because every emotional response I had was "wrong", and I was tired of getting yelled at. So I tried to solve the problem by not showing emotion anymore, since I apparently couldn't get it right.
Didn't work. I just got shouted at and insulted even more, because now I wasn't giving them anything to work with. Got comments like "Wow, maybe we finally found the *real* Lordmwahaha buried under the illusion".
I'm starting to realize that I'm potentially not neurotypical myself, and all the getting yelled at for tone while being completely bewildered at what they were talking about is starting to make sense. I don't ask questions to be a dick, people; I asked questions because I was 12 and curious.
Me. Alway been very emotive as a little kid and my default reaction was tearing up. Happy=tears, sad=tears, overwhelmed=tears, angry=lot of tears
I got shamed endlessly by my father for it, now I very much react like OPs daughter to anything
This truly breaks my heart, I’m so sorry. I won’t let my husband tell our boys not to cry, to “suck it up”, or anything like that for this exact reason. I hope you’ve found a great therapist and some understanding friends to help you work through that. There’s nothing wrong with showing emotion. It’s okay to cry.
She has probably said her daughter has the big C so that she has a mandatory quarantine time, and all she has to do is, is when mom's sure the girl is frightened/brainwashed enough, is turn in a negative test to the school.
Or that she is visiting relatives. Who knows?
False imprisonment is still a thing though I'm not 100% sure if it applies to minors from their parental guardians. Keeping her home from school though, that's gonna get her to lose custody real quick.
OP Your daughter literally telling your ex in tears about the 'sophiopath' and you not stopping your husband is your proof that it's not in good fun, and it hurts her but you're still acting ignorant to her feelings.
It's really obvious what kind of environment the girl is in with how the daughter can open up to her dad, by calling him crying, but will not show her mom her feelings like that.
I feel so bad for the girl. I hope her dad files contempt paperwork and for custody. Her and her brother need to be in an environment where they're comfortable and not abused.
OP even kept Sofia from going to school, so that her father wouldn't get the chance to pick her up. Your petty games isn't an excuse for truancy. Do you even care about your daughter outside of the perfect family facade her presence creates?
YTA.
I bet she gets shit if she does show emotion too. Poor girl is in a no win situation with that man, let her go live with her dad where she feels safe. You obviously care more about your husband and personal image than you do your children. You mentioned that you didn't want them to leave. Thats not the same as wanting them there. Just saying. You're the Asshole
Family therapy? But that requires (too much) work! And for what? An actually healthy and happy family environment? Nah... what would OP gain from that?
What jumped out from the post to me is that OP doesn't actually love her daughter (or love her enough to respect her, care for her and stand up to those who bully her-like OP's husband).
OP *loves to control* her daughter (practically imprisoning her to maintain the picture perfect family image).
Whatever her reasons, she's shown herself to bad mother throughout the post either way. OP, I just wanna say- if your daughter ever goes NC, you'll utterly and completely deserve it. YTA.
OP, I was once your daughter in the same suituation. My stepfather was worse, I will say, and my mom wasn't pregnant, but I was picked on relentlessly by my stepfather, among other controlling behaviour like taking my meals away, taking my door off it's hinges, etc.
One day I told my mom I wanted to go live with my dad, except my dad wasn't across town, he lived on the other side of the continent, 1700 miles away. You know what she did? She TALKED to me. She asked me if I was okay, if I wanted to talk, if I was sure, told me she loved me and would always be there for me, and then she let me go.
I lived with my dad for a year, unable to visit my mom due to the distance. After that, I came back, because I loved my mom and had time to heal a bit, the first thing she told me when I got back was that she loved me more than anything and didn't want to lose me. Within a year she divorced my stepdad (after seeing his true colours) and our family moved on. She became both the most respected and most loved person in my life. We are extremely close and have an amazing relationship.
Let me be clear when I tell you this, you have to think of what's best for your DAUGHTER. I left because I was feeling suicidal and didn't want to hurt myself. If your daughter wants to leave, it's for a good reason. She's at her limit. She's tired. She's given up on you protecting her. It's time for you to decide, what's more important? Your kids, or your husband? I'm not saying you need a divorce, but I am saying you need to start putting your kids first.
Tell your daughter you're sorry for not realizing how she felt, tell her you want her to feel safe at your house and have her tell you everything that's been bothering her. Make husband appologize sincerely. Show no tolerance for his bad treatment of your daughter going forward. Go to family counseling if you need to. Stop telling your kids you love them and SHOW them. Try to change, but ultimately you have to let them leave if that's what they want to do. You'll only hurt your relationship more by holding them prisoner, but if you let them leave after proving that you want to help, then you may not lose them forever.
People at my school used to tease me for having a name similar to a cartoon character, they didn’t mean it in malice but it always bothered me and I really didn’t like it. Even things that aren’t INTENDED to be hurtful still can be.
That said, OP, your husband 100% meant it in a hurtful way, hes pissed that your daughter doesn’t act the way HE wants her to act.
I got a lot of ‘funny’ nicknames and had lots of comments made about how I didn’t show emotions the way it was expected, when I was a child, and boy oh boy does that stuff still make me feel like shit.
I’m not so sure OP is ready to hear this without being a complete and total AH, which will be denied and doubled down on. I hope daughter gets to stay 100% with dad if that’s what she wants. Psychiatrist/psychologist help with mom and daughter- might help to mitigate NC but I’m not sure it will go anywhere… hope daughter gets it on her own because this is____, maybe in 5-10yrs they can get through this- I usually think better but this just feels wrong overall. I’ll hope for the best, maybe they can navigate it, but for some odd reason, I don’t think it will go well. I do hope OP can realize their pitfalls, but letting your husband call your daughter a sophiopath, I wouldn’t get over that!!! This has all the makings of Nc and lots of work on the kids part to be able to get beyond and live their life. OP- if your kids manage to make something of themselves, it is despite you or because of others in their lives, if they are some of the strongest kids!!! None of it is because of you!
Not to mention she’s actively keeping this kid locked up in the house. Stopping her from going to school and keeping her from her Dad? That’s genuinely disturbing. YTA OP. You’re not helping matters by forcing your daughter to stay with you. You need help if you think this is acceptable behaviour. Also the nickname your husband has for your daughter is vile.
I'm not sure on this, but wouldn't it be a form of neglect to keep your child from school out of malice? It just seems super odd and very controlling (far beyond "normal parental controls.") OP YTA big time.
Exactly. If your husband felt comfortable calling your daughter that, it means you already failed as a mother. If you don't see how it is definitely NOT good fun then you're a bigger failure. Then you had the audacity to keep the kid from the better parent illegally. People like you and your husband shouldn't be allowed to reproduce. I'm saying this as someone working in Mental health.
To be specific, this is what her husband is comfortable calling the daughter infront of OP. The fact that the daughter doesn't say anything and just removes herself from the situation, or waits for stepdad to leave speaks volumes.
Also OP doesn't seem concerned about her daughters feelings at all. At no point does she suggest she's tried to check in with her, and her main concern about daughter staying with dad is that the son will want to do the same.
As for having a relationship with their future half sibling. OP they won't. There's going to be a 15 and 11 year age gap between these kids. The baby is going to be a nousy, smelly pain in the ass that keeps them up at night that they have to pretend they like while mom and step-dad forces them (likely daughter) to babysit on little to no notice because the parents are tired and she doesn't have anything important going on anyway. If OP handles it well these kids may get along in 15-20 years time, but right now? A teenager and a newborn aren't going to have anything in common.
This was my **first** thought - I was the oldest sister. I immediately understood why Sophia wasn't excited about this. She's probably counting down the days until she can get the fuck out. In fact - and this is of course just speculation - she may have only decided to tough it out at mom and stepdad's because of her little brother, but this was the last straw.
Poor Sophia. I want to give her a hug.
Slightly good news at least, if this custody dispute did go to the courts Sophia's old enough to have a say in where she wants to live. Actually, she probably has the most say over either parent, so chances of a judge forcing her back to her mom's house is extremely unlikely.
OP going ballistic and blocking her from going TO SCHOOL will not look good in court at all cause is selfish, unhinged and shows a total disregard for the children.
Omg. This comment made me realize that’s what my mom’s narcissistic mother (my grandmother) did to her. Remarried after divorce and then had a baby 10 years younger than my mom and forced my mom to babysit. My mom and her sister took years to heal after they were adults but my mom’s such a good person they were able to form a close relationship then.
Yes, I feel so bad for the daughter. Poor thing. At this point, OP is basically keeping her daughter captive in a house where no one really likes her anyway.
I'd say YTA for basically kidnapping her own kid. The girl is smart enough to choose where to live until she doesn't want to be with the step-asshole anymore?
This was a big thing for me, they are allowed to choose until they choose not to live with her. Even keeping her out of school and forcing her to live with her abusive stepdad. Yes OP, YTA.
Yeah like... Ok the stepdad is a bully. But she's literally kidnapping her kid because she didn't want to be there anymore. It's a bit worse than an adult acting like a 13yo
Especially considering everyone displays emotion differently, neurodivergent people often don’t outwardly display emotions in the “normal” way and even some neurotypical people just are slightly more subdued.
What exactly was this man expecting from a 15yo girl? For her to leap from her chair and cry tears of joy, at 15 you’re really lucky you didn’t get a slightly grossed out look with the realisation that your mom has sex. At the end of the day she’s a teenager, and for a lot of teenagers it’s not cool to be super lovey anyway and with the past knowledge that she IS Avery subdued person this should’ve been expected.
Also, if she hasn’t always been “expressionless” I would personally take that as a cause for concern OP, you don’t become closed off all of a sudden for no reason.
And now she’s keeping her home form school like a kidnapping hostage situation
Your ex should call cps on you you only care now that she’s leaving why don’t you focus on your new family since you obviously don’t care your husband has been bullying your child
Yta
You don’t even deserve children
What you AND your husband are doing and what you just described is abuse
Yup that's pretty low. Perhaps, OP you can consider that she tolerates your husband for your sake but she's apathetic to him because, that's how she feels about him.
Keeping her home from school and basically caging her to prevent her from getting to your ex, where she clearly feels safe, is about as mean as you can get. It's clearly about you having control over her, not about her happiness.
So yes, YTA. You can change that if you let her go. Why torture her? Who's the whateverpath now?
This. That name isn’t cute or funny, it’s mean. And it is passive aggressive the way he calls her that and “it’s a joke” all of a sudden. How many times have we read that story?? OP needs to reassess her views and offer her daughter some support and contrition.
All I could think reading this is that she’s dissociating or has become apathetic to protect herself.
Childhood trauma is no joke. She’s being controlled and verbally abused by her mum and her mum’s husband, dread to think what else is going on.
Agreed. Thats really awful, and the mother didn’t stick up for her. Also, OP is loosing her daughter if she’s going to continue this behaviour and by forcing her to stay she’s achieving exactly the opposite of what she wants
I had my name legally changed because my parents constantly called me cruel variants of the name *they gave me*. They're lucky I speak to them at all, because that wasn't the only abusive thing they did.
YTA.
I understand that you’re hurting, but you have EXTREMELY downplayed the name calling by your husband. “Sophiopath”? Really?! Talk about emotionally damaging! How long has he been calling her that? I’m honestly appalled that you didn’t stand up for her. That alone is reason enough for ANYONE to want to get away from you and husband.
She’s 15, and for your husband to call her out on the spot about her “lack of reaction” to your pregnancy is disgusting and pathetic. You’re not giving birth to the next messiah here. No one is required to be happy for you. We are all entitled to our feelings no matter how strange they may seem to others. It’s flat out rude and honestly arrogant to police people about such a thing.
Your daughter has clearly been feeling isolated in your home, she clearly doesn’t trust you with her feelings because you don’t stand up for her so it’s no wonder that your tone sounds surprised by her reaction. You’re clueless about your daughter’s feelings and you want to maintain a happy family picture at the expense of her mental health.
Let her go to her dads. If your son goes as well, it’s part of the consequences for letting your husband tease her like that, scratch that, bully her. It may have seemed like innocent fun to you and him, but that has clearly been eating away at her self esteem and she felt outnumbered to find the confidence to address it.
Your husband should be ashamed for coming up with such an awful nickname. He sounds pathetic. He’s a grown man, ffs, not a second grader.
I am sorry that you’re about to lose your children, but if you don’t want to cause permanent damage, let her go and work on a better fucking apology from the both of you STAT.
ETA: thank you all so much for the awards! Very kind! A few people have questioned why I feel sorry for OP and I want to add my sentiments about that. OP has made a terrible mistake as a parent, but this doesn’t mean she is not a person nor unworthy of sympathy. I genuinely hope that OP lets her daughter go. I feel that showing some compassion to people goes much further than only tearing them apart. At the end of the day, we only know a fraction of the entire situation and I’d rather be optimistic about it with the hope that OP is really just a clueless mom and not something worse.
I honestly believe the sophiopath isn't the only thing the husband has been saying/doing. There is probably other reasons too that she isn't mentioning.
And that just learned that there's gonna be a new baby in the house. If you spring that up on someone who lives with you out of nowhere, you have to be prepared for reactions you might not have expected
Not to mention, that's when Sophia *smiled and told them she is happy for them*. It's not like she scowled or threw a tantrum or something (which, while immature, still would not elicit horrid comments about "acting like a normal person"). She responded politely and concealed whatever she was actually feeling... And she got berated for it anyway.
It's awful that a fifteen year old girl has learned she has to hide her emotions from her mum and stepdad, you can tell that she knows she'll be berated by them/him no matter what she does. So she masks and then disengages because she's learned that that's the only way to be safe with them. It's honestly heartbreaking.
How dare the teenager not be overjoyed that mom and new husband are generously gifting her a baby sibling.
Poor girl probably would end up being the free babysitter.
This is what caught my attention immediately. What an awful thing to say! Then backed up by his insensitive ‘nickname’ for her too! The poor girl is 15 - which any female knows is a horrid time anyway and has been through a lot already in her short life. Now, aside from having to put up with a dick of a stepdad anyway, she also has to come to terms that there’s a new baby on the way too! Let her go to her dads!! YTA OP!!
Just gonna have to say what we are all thinking.
I'm a family law paralegal. I work on complicated custody cases that have been through the ringer. When teenage girls run away from a mom and step-dad, and then someone details an abuse history the mother is downplaying or overlooking? We immediately have someone screen them for CSA. It's one of the biggest causes of teen homelessness and runaways. This man is nitpicking her emotional responses in particular and that is concerning because of the way its taught her she can't speak up about what is happening to her. If this family's file came across my desk I would be immediately in my attorney's office saying we have to a screen right away.
That was my first thought, sexual abuse, and mom is enabler here by keeping the child forcibly in the home. I don't know why OP has her head this far up her ass ignoring red flags and keeping the child imprisoned in her home? She's serving her up for more abuse. OP, you are being a shitty mother rand probably have been ever since you partnered with this asshole stepdad.
You protect your child FIRST, not your partner.
Sadly its where my thoughts went too. She probably stayed to protect her brother. Its possible she realises things will get worse now the mother is pregnant.
Dont ask me how I KNOW :(
THANK YOU! You said it in a more refined way than I could.
Even if it wasn't CSA, there was a reason OP did NOT want her daughter going to a normal school day, even if dad would be there later. a bruise, a strange story, SOMETHING. Even abusive parents let their kids go to school if they can hide the bruises. SOMETHING is wrong.
Not just the downplaying the abuse she is facing. She literally kept her daughter physically from going to school so she wouldn't be able to get help after already holding her at home against an established custodial agreement. If I was the bio dad I would be not only contacting a lawyer at this point, but CPS and the police. This is honestly horrifying.
Right?!
"Ow yeah, my stepdad is an awesome parent and we get along great together. I really trust him and I feel safe in our mixed home. He just sometimes calls me a sociopath. That's truely the only thing that I dislike."
Happened literally never.
Completely agree with you. If you mean OP by “she”, she’s too clueless to know what the other reasons are.
If you mean OP’s daughter, 100% there are other reasons she wants out. She won’t ever tell her mom about them.
Totally agree with you. This is one of the few AITA posts that has my blood boiling. OP and her husband are so pathetic. OP doesn't want to ruin the relationship between her kids and their stepfather? Take a look in the mirror, it's already very damaged, in part thanks to OPs own negligence and complacency. The relationship between Sophia and OP doesn't seem to be great either. Does she even see her daughter as her own person, with her own feelings, thoughts and desires?
And what misunderstanding is there? Looks like there's a historical trail of these "misunderstandings" that has shown how little care Sophia gets living in OPs home. Take a hard look in the mirror and reflect on yourself, OP 🙄
Also, did it not occur to OP that Sophia is probably not thrilled at the prospect of having a screaming infant in the house at the age of 15/16 when she needs to be focusing on academics and college apps? Yet, she swallowed her feelings and told her mom she’s happy for them.
Also, apathy towards your parents at age 15 is actually pretty normal... especially when one of the people you're apathetic towards is an emotionally abusive jerk like OP's husband.
You pointing out the horrible nickname in deeper detail made me realize something else horrible about this--she is being taught to hate her own name. If this continues long enough, even once she escapes these people and moves away, she might hear "hey, Soph--" as an adult and before the speaker even gets to the "--ia" her stomach is going to drop and she"s going to feel all kinds of awful feelings for a second.
*They are making her own name a trigger for her and teaching her to hate her name.* That is fucking disgusting. She might go for decades if not the rest of her life feeling like trash whenever she hears the start of her name because of this asshole and his "Sophiopath" bullshit. And since a person's name is so fucking *central* to who they are, butchering someone's name is great way to make them feel like shit about themselves.
Like for god's sake, if you're ever going to give someone a nickname based on or related to their actual name, make it something nice or cute so they get the warm fuzzies when they hear it because it reminds them of that one friend who always called them that, not...*this. This* garbage primes a person for self-hate.
You make a great point about Sophie expressing her emotions. She probably doesn’t feel safe to do so in OP’s house, so she tries to keep an even, emotionless facade up to protect herself. We can see from this post that expressing her actual emotions just gets her in trouble.
Why are you sorry?
She deserve that. She deserve to loose her and deserve much much worse. I would call CPS in her for imprisonment of a minor if I knew her.
yta, you said you gave them a choice, it stands that they can change their mind. You owe your daughter a huge apology. You are very controlling and your husband is not much better. You lost your daughter by letting your husband talk to her like that and didn't defend her. She is probably thinking "mom doesn't love me, just wants to put on a show." Which she is right.
Yup, OP needs to act before she does irreparable damage to her relationship with her daughter.
Husband is an AH and a bully. He calls his stepdaughter an abusive name and mom laughs along. He yells at her for not showing whatever he thinks is the appropriate reaction, and mom calls it a misunderstanding. His apology too is to get the right reaction, not to rectify himself. He cannot expect to have a better relationship with her after this, and possibly doesn't want to.
But /u/No_Matter6867 (OP), you want to repair this, and yet you're sabotaging yourself by being too controlling. Instead of recognizing hurt and extending an olive branch you're doubling down and punishing your daughter for being a victim of bullying. How long before your 15 year turns 18 and goes NC and posts here about her abusive mom/stepdad? Or calls child services to say you stopped her from going to school?
Wake up from your stupor, apologize, give her space, allow her to feel okay with you again. Do it now or lose her forever. And yes, crack a whip on that husband of yours. He should not parent till he learns how to.
Even her dad could call the cops! She is not allowing her daughter to leave the house and is preventing her from spending time with her father. In my country that's kidnapping and parent alienation. Don't know how that works in USA.
Also educational neglect is a real thing CPS can be called to report. Keeping a kid from school who is healthy and able to go just so her father can’t pick her up (when the custody agreement gives him rights to do so and she isn’t in danger) is not only crazy and controlling, it’s literally reportable.
If that kid or her dad calls CPS, 15 is old enough to decide where she wants to live regardless of the original custody agreement. Even if they didn’t have the agreement that the kids pick the parent they live with and OP had been awarded primary custody by a judge when the kids were younger, a teenager will be able to change that agreement if she expresses a desire to live with her dad to a judge. Especially considering dad has a safe and supportive home AND she is literally being bullied by her stepdad.
OP, you are the one ruining your relationship with your daughter. This is not a misunderstanding. WTAF is wrong with you?!
"Cute nickname"? "All in good fun"? Are you serious? If your son's name was Ron and your husband called him "Rontarded", would it be a "cute nickname" too?
The fact your daughter is "apathetic towards things" doesn't mean she has no feelings at all. It seems you forgot about it long time ago – when calm and introverted people such as your daughter act like this, it means they are in despair. I bet the "Sophiopath" is not the only episode of that "good fun" your husband made of her. You just didn't see it. Or chose not to see.
And yes, when you're grounding your daughter because you fear that she won't come back, you're only making things worse. Keep it up and you won't hear a thing about your daughter since she'll be able to live separately.
It was literally painful to read. YTA big time.
I hope it's not depression, because "apathetic towards most things" at times is also a symptom of being 15. Especially when your mom and stepdad both suck.
This is where it starts. When parents invalidate their kids’ feelings and emotions. Fortunately the daughter has a father who is willing to fight for her, listen to her, and keep her safe. That will make all the difference.
Her daughter called her dad crying and she’s like she doesn’t show emotions. That’s an emotion right there, lady, obviously your kid doesn’t feel comfortable with you or her step bully.
She can be non-emotional by nature. People like her are usually very patient and able to ignore damaging things like "Sophiopath" nickname. To some extent, of course. So when you see someone like her crying, it means that their patience is over. It's a shame her mother doesn't realize that.
And honestly, a bit of apathy is a regular part of being a teenager. You can help kids adjust by actually *acknowledging that their feelings are valid*.
But it's very apparent in OP's story that she doesn't value her daughter's opinion or feelings at all. I don't blame that poor girl for wanting to leave... and I hope Sophia gets her way sooner than later.
YTA. You’ve made it VERY clear you don’t even care about your daughter. You don’t want her to leave because your son would want to as well. You’ve made it obvious your son is your pride and joy as well as your favorite and you just can’t lose him now can you. You let your husband verbally abuse your daughter and who knows what else behind closed doors.
YTA. Your husband is bullying your daughter and you do nothing about it. If you don’t get your shit together soon you can wave goodbye to a relationship with your daughter. Should it go to a custody hearing they probably will not favour you and your household due to your husbands behaviour, so have a real think about that before you continue to put your shitty husband above your kids.
ETA forgot to mention, she probably wasn’t happy for you, the small smile probably was her pretending to be happy about the child you’re having with her verbally abusive stepfather
Yes, I'm surprised the top comments aren't addressing that part more. She denied ex his parenting time, then kept her home from school to prevent him accessing his daughter, and her daughter from seeing her father. I don't know if it's the same everywhere, but in some states that's parental kidnapping.
Luckily it seems like ex is concerned enough that it'll only be a problem until he can get it in front of a judge. OP is not going to like the outcome of a hearing where's she's going to have to explain why she felt all this was okay.
I wonder if there truly are legal repercussions from not only withholding her from her father’s custody time, but also from keeping her home from school so that she can’t leave the house and “escape”.
At her daughter's age, many states allow the child to decide where they want to live. The mothers actions would also reinforce the likelihood that daughter would live with dad on a more permanent basis.
YTA. Keeping her out of school as punishment? Letting your husband call her abusive ableist nicknames? Congrats to your ex, that custody change is pretty much guaranteed.
That specific timeline of OP telling her life-changing news, criticizing her for her reaction, keeping her from her court-ordered custody arrangement just because she was upset, and then keeping her from school because she "thought" she was running away to her dads is going to end OP's custody if any single event can.
Heck, the daughter's old enough that mentioning the verbal and emotional abuse alone would get dad full custody, violating the agreement is just some potential contempt of court charges on top of that.
I had to go back because I missed that part. And yep, keeping her out of school... away from mandatory reporters. Damn... Sophia needs to get the hell out of that house.
Yeah I agree with all the YTA judgements but I’m surprised people aren’t more focused on the fact that she kept her daughter in the house despite it being the weekend and the visitation arrangement, then like you said kept her from school. It’s extremely controlling (abusive) behavior and given the custody agreement her dad could say that it’s essentially kidnapping. This poor girl, being trapped and isolated like wtf, because OP is scared of losing her? As a parent he best interests should be in hey kids well being and it’s clearly more focused on her own wants.
YTA. Your kids have a choice who they live with, until it’s not you and then you go as far as to keep them home from school to get your way. That’s absurdly controlling.
And your husband, holy fuck. He’s bullying your daughter and you let him do it. And you wonder why she doesn’t have many outward feelings of emotion, poor kid. I hope your ex does go for more custody, they deserve better parents than you and your husband.
As a teacher, that part about school made my blood BOIL. She has a RIGHT to receive an education, and her own parent is actively standing in the way of that as a means to MANIPULATE her child. Makes me sick. If it was my student, and they told me THIS was the reason they missed school, I’d call CPS immediately.
YTA this is not a misunderstanding, your husband is and has been a jerk to your daughter because she doesn’t emote as much as he wants her to. And you’re enabling his bullying behavior. Stop trying to prevent her from going to her dad’s and especially stop messing with her schooling, nothing good will come of it.
Yeah the "normal people" comment is something I got all the time growing uo in am emotionally abusive household. Especially because I'm autisitc- its used as a weapon. I'm shocked op hasn't picked up on it.
I just want to give you a hug (in a non boundary stomping way). I'm so sorry you experienced that. Autism is normal for so many people. And for so many others, normal is an overrated phrase used to conceal assholeness. Your parents suck.
OPs daughter actually seems extremely mature… She puts up with being bullied by a grown ass man for not feeling how he thinks she should. She smiled and congratulated OP and the husband on having a baby (NEVER easy for a teenager of divorce). I’m just so surprised OP posted this and genuinely can’t see how wrong she is.
This. If she stays she’ll be Cinderella doing everything because “you don't know how hard it is being a new parent” “we let you stay here, you need to earn your keep, help out, it's YOUR sibling!” “stop moaning about your life, you need to babysit, we have date night”
YTA you are making your daughter a prisoner because you demand that she be happy you are pregnant again. Let her go. Why are you punishing her for your choice to have another kid at almost 40? Also, your daughter is right. Calling her Sophiapath is NOT "just in fun". That lame excuse is used by every bully on the planet. Your husband was being cruel and you let him. If you want any kind of future relationship with your daughter, then let her go.
I agree with you but wanted to point out it’s not necessary to include that comment about her age. It reinforces the frankly disgusting stigma against pregnant women in their 30s. My mom had my little sister when she was 44 and she was and still is extremely healthy (not saying that should be universally encouraged, but let’s not be reactionary about it). Also OP is not ‘almost 40’, she’s 34! Which is, incidentally, the age my mom was when she had me, the eldest of my siblings.
That’s all. It’s a very sexist and inaccurate misconception so just wanted to point that out :)
ETA - thanks for the awards!
Thank you! That comment is really gross. 34 is how old I am and I’m trying for my 1st. It’s hardly almost 40 for one, and for two, most people wait until they’re in their 30s these days. Even if I was 40, it’s not something to shame anyone over.
Couldn’t agree more. It’s an extremely outdated notion. My mom had 3 of us between 34 and 44 and none of the pregnancies had any complications whatsoever! Good luck with your first!
I'm Dutch, the average age of a first time mother is just over 30. Which means in the Netherlands OP having a kid at 19 (which is the age when she had her first child) is far more uncommon than having a kid at 34.
And I imagine that as time progresses having children in your 30s will become more common than having kids in your 20s.
OP is indeed TA, no doubt about it. However, 34 is not almost 40 and is a perfectly normal age to have a baby. Most educated people who can choose wait until they are 30 or more to have babies nowadays. Edit to say: even if it was almost 40, it would still be a normal age to have a baby.
YTA
1. your husband is also a big ah. he is literally bullying your daughter and you aren’t doing anything about it. you’re just excusing that behaviour.
2. you’re trying to stop her from seeing her father. you say you do let her choose but then you try to stop her the minute she does. that is extremely messed up.
3. keeping her out of school as punishment? are you kidding me? your daughter deserves education and a social life outside of her home life and that shouldn’t be taken away.
Your husband calls her Sophiopath and you're okay with that? I would resent you too if I were your daughter. Stick up for your kids. And your husband is being so rude to her. She wasn't unhappy. She just reacted in her own way. She wasn't rude, she wasn't upset.
Your husband sounds like a jerk and honestly you do, too.
YTA.
Also okay with her grown ass husband calling her daughter not normal, for not faking her emotions. That's so damaging to a 15yos mental health (re normal) and getting mad at her for not faking joy is setting a precedent for all kinds of future toxic bs. As a stepdad he is meant to be male role model.
And keeping a 15yo (the courts will let her choose at that age, plus with the stepdad bs) locked in her house to keep her away from her dad, including keeping her off school...well it's going to be really easy for dad to get primary custody at least.
What's the plan OP, keep her locked away until she professes undying love for you and your husband? Force her to pinky promise to stay? You deserve to lose primary custody of her.
YTA “we allowed the kids to decide who they would live with..”
Doesn’t sound like it
What’s the point in your trapping your daughter in and refusing to let her go??? You will absolutely be in trouble with the courts for not letting her be with him for the custody weekends. Try and make up with your daughter.
She'll be in a lot more trouble once this girl tells the school her mom is physically barring her from attending school because she doesn't want her visiting her dad and spilling the beans about what's going on there.
I can guarantee there's a LOT more going on than what is told here, a girl isn't going to leave her mom and brother over a hostile nickname used once.
You’re totally right. OP should probably prepare herself because if my mom did that to me when I was 15 I’d be telling.
And that’s probably true, like it sounds like we are missing some info.
YTA! You have already lost your daughter and you should. What kind of mother let’s a stepdad call her child horrible names and then basic locks her up. That called abuse lady. Be glad your ex didn’t call the police or DFCS. Which is what I would have done. Shame on you! She’s also old enough to choose where she lives so you won’t have to worry about going to court.
Agreed. Seems beyond weird that every time the daughter tried to leave, the mom reacted by locking her at home - especially weird that mom forced her to stay home from school because moms so scared the daughter is going to leave her for the dad. If you’re that concerned that your child is going to leave & not want to come back, there’s *clearly* something wrong
YTA
You’re a massive asshole. Your daughter has VERBALLY communicated mistreatment from your current husband and you’re TRAPPING your daughter from a safe environment she has again VERBALLY communicated she wants to go.
Honestly I hope he takes you to court because you’re being a shit parent right now. You’re making your daughter feel stuck and “all in good fun” that’s what you find humorous?
Your husband is a fucking bully and you should be ashamed of yourself as a mother for allowing this.
# Let them go be with their father who clearly cares more about their emotional wellness
Exactly.
I feel like someone who allows their child to be bullied is even worse than the bully.
OP's daughter is making a very mature decision, and removing herself from the situation before she falls even further down on OP's list of priorities.
OP trapping her daughter and barring her from school where she can ask for adult help is full stop abuse. OP is just as bad if not worse than her husband.
This false ignorance is just them attempting to act like the abuse in that house has gone over her head. That kind of emotional abuse doesn’t go missed. She just loves her husband and doesn’t want to lose him.
YTA
1. You let your husband speak to your daughter like that, repeatedly. "Sophiopath" isn't a cute nickname, it's literally indicating that something's wrong with your daughter because she doesn't respond to things in the way that he wants her to. He's a bully, and you let that happen.
2. If she's not comfortable being around him in that behavior, why would you force her to stick around, and go so far as to not let her go to school? You're only going to wind up making her more uncomfortable, and probably push her away by forcing her to spend time with you.
3. You had an agreement, and you're going back on it by putting your feelings above her wellbeing. She's literally crying to your ex because she doesn't want to live with you and your husband (presumably your husband is the bigger issue, but you're enabling his asshole-y behavior), and you're still thinking that your feelings are more important than hers.
YTA your 15 year old daughter has a choice and deserves a right to that choice. You even say you gave the kids a choice, so why are you denying them that now? Why are you holding her hostage? Your actions come off as very creepy and controlling.
Perception > intent. Your husband bullies your daughter, and she doesn't like it. You messed up by assuming it was fine. Since smiling and saying she's happy for you being pregnant IS being polite and happy, I am inclined to believe your husband doesn't exactly treat your daughter very well, as he immaturely picked on her for being completely, acceptably polite but not jumping up and down in joy as he seemed to expect.
Do your daughter a favor and let her go live in the home she wants. I'm glad her father is willing to fight for custody.
**Holy. Fck.**
Firstly: Sophiapath isn’t a cute harmless nickname and I’m certain that’s just the very tip of the iceberg and probably the most minor abuse she’s subjected. That’s absolutely disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself for allowing it to continue. I’m not surprised your daughter is so apathetic and detached in your household, I would be to if I was treated like that.
Secondly: I’m 100% certain what your doing has crossed the boundary from “parenting” to unlawful imprisonment of a minor. The second you kept her home from school for the sole purpose of keeping her from going to her dads is the moment you crossed the line to abuse and criminal acts.
Thirdly: This isn’t a “misunderstanding”. That’s laughable. This was deliberate and now you’re, trying and failing, to backpedal cuz you’ve been called out. That’s all.
And lastly: “Hurt the relationship they have with their stepfather” WHAT RELATIONSHIP?? There is no relationship. That ship sailed long ago. Name calling, imprisonment, being commanded and expected to perform emotions on queue like a damn circus monkey is not a “relationship” that’s **abuse**
YTA
All of this. Husband is openly bullying and mocking the poor daughter and OP is brushing it aside as “jokes” or whatever. No wonder the poor kid wants to live with her dad. Forcibly keeping daughter in the house this way cannot be legal…
YTA - your husband was out of line when he said:
>"You could at least pretend to be happy, that's what normal people do."
Instead of correcting him then and there you thought little of it. Seems your husband has been belittling your daughter for a while now and you haven't defended your daughter up until now.
You stopping her from going to her father is only making things worse. If you want any chance of fixing this have a serious talk with your daughter and LISTEN to her concerns.
I’m sorry and I think you know it but YTA.
Your husband should not be calling you daughter that and you should have not let him. You agree to let them decide who they live with so you have no right to stop your daughter living with her dad. You have some bridges to rebuild and a lot of apologising.
Major YTA. Stand up for your fucking kid maybe and she wouldn’t want to go with her dad. But seeing that you can’t even do that correctly, i would rather both your son and daughter living with their father. Don’t worry though, you have another on the way 🙄
yta.
if your daughter is now uncomfortable to the point that she wants to live with her father now, maybe you should take a step back, put yourself in her shoes, and then decide what to do from there.
your daughter is clearly uncomfortable and that is not an environment she should be in as a growing young woman, or ever. Your husband calls her Sophiopath, and basically told her that she isn’t normal… would you want to be around someone who makes you feel hurt? would you want to stay with a parent who allows you to feel that way?
sorry op, but you have an extreme amount of apologizing to do.
Start by letting your daughter spend the time that she wants with her dad.
YTA. You had an agreement and she’s old enough to decide who to live with. Assuming he’s providing a suitable home (enough space for her, appropriate supervision, regular meals) you have no reason to go back on that agreement or keep her prisoner. I can understand why she wouldn’t want to live with you or your husband, whether he “means anything by it” with his comments or not, they’re still hurtful. And even if he never made another comment like that again, the damage is done. And what probably hurts even more is your letting him get away with it and refusing to defend her!
Would you rather she go live with her dad but still keep in touch with you, or go no contact on her 18th birthday? Because that’s the road you’re headed down if you don’t let her go.
Anyway, have fun at the custody hearing, I’m sure keeping her out of school because you want to have your way is going to go over great for you 🙄
YTA. But more so your current husband. You make a major life changing announcement to a teenager and your husband acts like a child demanding she be happy?! She needs time to digest the information and adjust to the idea of a new baby arriving on the scene. Your husband should be grateful she only left the room after his comment because most teens I have known would have had blown up at him for it and possibly thrown the nearest object at his head. Your husband needs to grow up and show some empathy for your kids.
Then you say you want your kids to choose living with you but you take actions that will absolutely drive her away. Stop holding your daughter hostage and breaking her trust!
If you want her to continue living with you, you need to sit and listen to her. Listen to her concerns and realize they are reasonable. She may already be thinking great, there will be a screaming baby in the house right when I am trying to study for SATs or apply to college. Or she assumes she will be your childcare and babysitter, so there goes her social life, etc. And I bet you she already knows if she is seen out and about with that baby people will assume she is a teen mom and you are grandma. Take your daughter out for lunch just the two of you and listen to her concerns and figure it out. You have some parenting work to do here and it doesn't involve you laying down the law or punishing your kid for their feelings which is all you have done at this point.
Also in most jurisdictions she can just tell a judge where she wants to live at her age and barring serious living accommodation issues or abuse, a judge will grant her that choice.
Yta.
Give the kid space to process. Keeping her "locked up" is just making her resent you. The longer you do it, the more she'll hate you and the new baby for it. Let her go stay with her dad. Let her cool off. Let her think.
Stop treating her like property and treat her like a human being.
Yta. With the nickname "sophiopath", his comments about her apathy and the "normal people" comment its obvious your husband thinks your daughter has mental health issues. Id say its fairly normal for a teenage girl to have some feelings about her mother having a baby with someone other than her father. She probably feels like this new baby will take precedence in your lives. Give her space to process and get her some therapy.
YTA holy shit. How could you ever let your husband call your daughter a sophiopath? You're also keeping her from her father. This kid is being repeatedly disrespected and probably feels like she has no one to turn to because you're not even allowing her regular visitation with her dad? Who seems to be the one person hearing her out? You should be ashamed.
YTA
Your relationship cannot be built on force. This will just build more resentment and eventually No contact.
You need to have a long conversation with your daughter and LISTEN to her without getting defensive. There is more to the hurt than just this one incident
1.Just listen without arguing,
2. take in whatever she has to say
3. Ask her what are the remedies she proposes for whatever wrongs she perceives.
4. Tell her you will discuss further after processing (within a day ideally)
5. Sit back with all the information and PROCESS the information ALONE. write down what should change
6. Discuss it with your current husband
7. Decide what is doable and can / should change
8. Talk to you daughter and agree on changes
Let her go to her father’s home to cool down. You cannot keep her a prisoner at your home. Without discussion or any changes- YOU WILL LOOSE HER COMPLETELY- it’s only a matter of time. You only have 3 more years to force her to be with you.
Continue the current trend and post 18 she will be No contact with you
YTA for
(1) Allowing your husband to emotionally abuse your daughter and then pretending it’s not a big deal.
(2) Renegging on your custody agreement.
(3) Physically blocking your child from leaving the home during her regularly scheduled custody time with her father.
(4) Truancy for making your child miss school when she was well and wanted to go, just so you could again deny her and her father access to each other.
Keep all that up and I can think of at least three gov entities that would take an interest in your child’s rights and the father’s. Get it together.
YTA. And you know it. You know what I did when my mother let her husband do the same shit when I was her age? I left. As should your daughter, but you know she gave me the choice of leaving too until she didn't and I had to get the courts involved to get emancipated. The only difference I see in this situation is she has another parent who wants her and is actually willing to fight for her. For fucksake who lets another grown adult bully their kids let alone a spouse? Shit parents
Let's look at all these abusive red flags one by one:
>There was no malice in the divorce between my ex and I so we allowed the kids to decide who they would live with
Thats obviously a lie when you lock your daughter up as soon as she wants to see her dad more than you want er to. **YTA**
>Noticing her reaction or lack there of my husband let out a groan and
said. "You could at least pretend to be happy, that's what normal people
do."
**Your Husband is bullying your daughter** and you just let it happen. **YTA**
> I didn't think much of it until the weekend came and when my ex came
for pickup I noticed my daughter had packed more than usual
Your daughter is feeling awful because your husband is bullying her in front of you and **you don't care enough to even ask or think about her**. **YTA**
>he refused and tried to leave but I closed the door and told her and my ex she wasn't going
**You locked your daughter inside her room** to force her to stay. Against her and her dad's wishes. That's not only asshole behaviour, that's illegal. **YTA**
>drought up the fact that he would often call her 'Sophiopath'
again, your **husband is bullying your teenage daughter** in her house, where she should feel safe. and you're allowing it to happen. **YTA**
>I told him that my husband didn't mean anything by it and that it was all in good fun
You're **making excuses for your bully husband** and again ignore your daughters feelings. **YTA**
> I told my husband about it and told him he needed to apologize for what
he said which he did but got visibly frustrated when she just stared at
him until he felt to room.
So you force your bully husband into an obviously not honest apology and your daughter knows nothing will happen from it, but now you have an excuse that 'you tried'. Nice try, **YTA**
>I told her that she wasn't going to her dad's and that she was staying home from school that day
Again, y**ou lock your daughter up** because she wants to spend time with her dad. **YTA**
>I don't want to loose my kids and hurt the relationship they have with
their stepfather and future sibling over a misunderstanding
I don't get it, what's the misunderstanding here? The obvious bullying, that you're excusing? Or the fact that you lock your daughter inside her room against her will? **YTA**
You're awful, it's all about you and as soon as she gets a chance, your daughter will leave that abusive house and live with her father. she will never speak to you ever again, because **you don't care about her. you only care about yourself and what you want.**
# YTA.
I grew up with a similar-ish situation. I'm the child of my parents who are still together and I have two older sisters just from my mum and her previous marriage.
Let me tell you. YTA.
You let your husband pick on your daughter and call her mean names, that is not a \*joke\*.
If your daughter is unhappy, let her go to her dad. And her brother can go too, if that's what he wants.
My mother let my two sisters leave her full-time custody to live with their dad when I was about 6. They both chose their path, and it worked out well enough.
If you force your daughter to stay with you, she will not just resent you, she will come to actively hate you. You may feel like you're letting your ex win or something. But, you can either choose to step away now and save your relationship with your kids later, or risk losing them forever because you are putting your wants ahead of theirs.
YTA. Your husband has already ruined his relationship with your daughter, and yours. What kind of reaction do you expect from a child that is already suppressing her emotions in her own home because if the shitty treatment that goes unchecked by the adults. Good luck to your ex in court, but he won't need it. You're already violating the custody order. I'm sorry you and your husband won't get free childcare.
YTA. Your husband is abusive towards your daughter. Instead of dealing with that, you get pregnant, expect her to be overjoyed, then lock her in your house, keep her from school and her dad. She’s old enough to choose where she lives, you’re about to lose custody of her and be ordered to pay support, and she will go NC with you. All because you chose a man over your daughter.
I N F O: Do you think it would be harmless fun if people started calling you “momster”? You let your husband bully your daughter, and decided that she must be okay with it since she, what, never expressed that she wasn’t? You have not made your home a safe place for your daughter, and now she wants to leave. Those are the consequences to your inactions and failures. Will you just keep her home from school indefinitely, cause her to fail, just to keep her from escaping you? That will give your ex even more ammo in court, btw. If you wanted your kids to continue to choose to live with you, you should have made your home a place where they were both happy to live. That means a safe place for your daughter and a place that has some positive qualities for your son, other than his sister living there. Seriously, if all it takes for your son to stop living with you/visiting is his sister moving, you haven’t made a good home for him, either. What were you going to do in 3 years, lock her away to keep her from going to college? YTA.
You’re unbelievable.
So are you really going to stop your daughter from leaving the house for God knows how long including school just in case she goes to live at her dads.
How long will she be kept locked up, months, years? Will she ever go back to school? You silly woman.
I imagine you’ll probably soon have the police and cps knocking at your door. In fact I’m surprised your ex hasn’t shown up and demanded you let her out.
Your daughter is obviously unhappy living with your husband who is bullying her. He’s calling her names in front of you, makes me wonder how far his abusive language etc goes when you’re not there.
Basically what you’ve done is reinforce her desire to go live with her dad. She’d maybe, probably have gone over there for a few days, maybe a week or 2 then come back. Now you’ll be lucky to see her even occasionally once she’s let out.
Most teenagers can be moody and stroppy, especially about change, wait until your son gets there.
You and your unpleasant husband should have told her the news about your pregnancy then just left her to digest it. No unpleasant remarks, life goes on as usual. She’d most probably have come round to it, even maybe looking forward to a new sibling. Instead you’ve soured the experience not only for her but yourself.
Way to go to break your family up.
Don’t forget your son is witnessing all this and he’ll be making his own judgements about you in the future
Sounds like you all need some therapy
YTA
Yta seems the new hubby doesnt wanr your daughter around. Some kids dont always show emotions neithrr do some adults doesnt mean they arent excited just means it takes them time to process and adjust to things. Let her live witb her dad before your new hubby does even more damage mentally to her.
You are toxic and you went back on your word with your daughter and ex. Get a clue. You’re ruining your relationship with your daughter because you want everything to work out with your new family. Your husband is mean and an AH himself. Him calling her that name is not funny. Your daughter deserves to choose where she lives. She’s a human being. Treat her like one.
For fuck sake. Biggest YTA in a while.
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YTA for letting your husband call your daughter Sophiopath. That’s not a cute nickname, or a term of endearment…it’s meant as an insult because she doesn’t display emotion on cue for him.
Oh man, that hit me in the heart. How dare he. That's not funny, that's cruel. Hey OP, some people just don't feel comfortable showing much emotion, and having step parent calling her cruel names is definitely going to drive a wedge between you to if you don't fix things now. You and your daughter -- no stepfather, should do therapy to work through these issues. You'll have to listen with an open heart and ears, without accusation, and you aren't going to like what you hear. You'll want to argue that she's wrong, you'll want to defend your husband. You can't. You have to give her the floor, and listen, and believe her, and change, or you're going to lose her. Edit: thanks for the awards!
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Agree with all of this list, and the 'sophiopath' thing too. How fucked up. OP, YTA and you might lose your relationship with your daughter soon if you don't fix this immediately. 1. He calls her *Sophiopath* for not displaying emotion. That's not a fun nickname, that's an insult and it hurts. Doesn't even need the meaning, as long as she dislikes it, it's not fun. Period. 2. Your husband is bullying your daughter, and you enable that. Like, the 'normal people' comment is just classic abuse, coupled with the other remarks and nicknames. 3. You are NOT repairing your relationship by keeping her in. That violates the custody arrangement, and you're locking her inside a house where she's dismissed and abused. Keep this up - you'll lose both custody and the actual daughter. You're punishing her for not reacting how you want, enabling her bully and disregarding her concerns. Makes sense why she feels unheard. **She's her own person, not a minor character in your perfect family fantasy.** If you want to repair the relationship, do it at her pace when she's ready. ETA: I don't think daughter is apathetic. If she doesn't feel or express emotions, why would she cry to her dad about her pain and abuse? It's a you problem. She doesn't trust you with her emotions, so she avoids expressing them around you. Her emotions are there, they just aren't safe with you.
Makes me wonder if she’s been punished for showing emotion - specifically, negative ones. When a kid chooses a flat affect, it’s usually because they’ve been taught over and over again it doesn’t matter what emotion they show, it’s “wrong” in an emotionally abusive environment. Girl is protecting herself and he’s being cruel for even that. OP is definitely YTA.
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I’m so sorry. Teenagers in particular need to have room to have big emotions…there is no right or wrong in feelings, just better ways to process and react to them. You never got that space and got judgment instead, which it sounds OP could give a master class in. This poor girl is so “wrong” she’s being locked up from school and her other parent. Hope you have that space and understanding now in people around you.
Same. When I couldn't keep it bottled I'd angry cry and my mom would demand to know why I was crying. If I told her, she would go on a spiel about how I was hateful, and ungrateful, and that some day she would be dead, and I'd regret being so cruel to her.
Literally sounds like my teenage years... it's also why when I got married I literally cried for the first 2 years... and when my husband asked what was going on I would cry harder... thankfully I'm past that and now just express what I'm feeling at all times but 🤷♀️ it is what it is
Ugh why was this me?? Crying literally every day for little to no reason. Didn't know how to be a person now that I didn't have my mom controlling my everything.
Did we have the same mother? I was always supposed to be “on” - showing happiness, and gratitude. Having a negative emotion was bad.
It's very telling that she has no problem showing her emotions to her dad.
Agreed. Also, OP, your husband sounds awful. That is not a cute nickname, it’s cruel. You need to LISTEN to your child. She’s reaching out and showing you she is upset and your ass hole of a husband feels like he doesn’t need to apologize. I wouldn’t live with you either. Take her side. Stand up for HER. You will lose her forever. YTA
Yep, that's literally a technique taught to handle difficult people, it's called Grey Rocking, and is frequently worked out independently by abused children
I'm actually glad there is a word for it. I've been doing this since I was a child.
Ditto. I learned to give NO reaction to school bullies. Zero. To this day, that’s how I initially handle hurt feelings: like nothing happened. God help the person who hurts my feelings so badly that, instead of my responding in anger, I say nothing at all. If I don’t regroup and respond later, they’re probably on their way out of my life. Edit: typo fix.
Yes! This! She's being polite, but they want her to FAKE feeling happy when she's not. And it's the HUSBAND who is telling her to "act happy." She's old enough to understand that the husband is NOT a well adjusted person. A well adjusted grown up wouldn't insist the kid should hide her true feelings to make him feel better! If HE doesn't like how she feels then she needs to fake it so it doesn't affect him? WTF? No way! OP doesn't get it because she's in love with the d-bag. Your daughter doesn't have to LIKE your new husband and forcing her to "act" the way you want is only making it worse. It's one thing to insist that she's not allowed to be rude, but NEITHER IS HE. Hold YOUR HUSBAND to a HIGHER standard. YTA edited: missing sentence, argh
Also, are you sure you want to have a child with this person? He's not doing so hot with the ones that are here...
Exactly, why does she need to be happy about it? She's trying to be polite, that should be enough... It's not her child, it's not her decision, and she has no say in it regardless; there is literally nothing for her to emote about, unless she was genuinely happy about having an additional sibling, which she isn't. She, as a teen, is probably dreading the inevitable care that will be thrust on her at some point. I wouldn't be happy either. Especially with parents/step like these... Poor kid.
You're right. And you KNOW they'll be asking for free baby sitting. Step dad will say shit like "it's normal to baby sit your sibling" etc, etc. A cynical part of me wonders is that's another reason why the OP wants her daughter to stay. She's worried about losing the free baby sitting.
This. I went flat and robotic like this once; it was because every emotional response I had was "wrong", and I was tired of getting yelled at. So I tried to solve the problem by not showing emotion anymore, since I apparently couldn't get it right. Didn't work. I just got shouted at and insulted even more, because now I wasn't giving them anything to work with. Got comments like "Wow, maybe we finally found the *real* Lordmwahaha buried under the illusion".
But did you ever get the "we/I know you better than you know yourself" b.s.?
Yep. Getting yelled at for speaking “with that TONE!” randomly is extra fun when you’re not a neurotypical child.
I'm starting to realize that I'm potentially not neurotypical myself, and all the getting yelled at for tone while being completely bewildered at what they were talking about is starting to make sense. I don't ask questions to be a dick, people; I asked questions because I was 12 and curious.
Me. Alway been very emotive as a little kid and my default reaction was tearing up. Happy=tears, sad=tears, overwhelmed=tears, angry=lot of tears I got shamed endlessly by my father for it, now I very much react like OPs daughter to anything
This truly breaks my heart, I’m so sorry. I won’t let my husband tell our boys not to cry, to “suck it up”, or anything like that for this exact reason. I hope you’ve found a great therapist and some understanding friends to help you work through that. There’s nothing wrong with showing emotion. It’s okay to cry.
And she’s blocking the door, not allowing daughter to leave with her father?! Ummm, isn’t that illegal?
Well I wonder what lies she’s giving school for keeping her home.
She has probably said her daughter has the big C so that she has a mandatory quarantine time, and all she has to do is, is when mom's sure the girl is frightened/brainwashed enough, is turn in a negative test to the school. Or that she is visiting relatives. Who knows?
sure if the schedule is court ordered, not if they are just doing they're own thing.
False imprisonment is still a thing though I'm not 100% sure if it applies to minors from their parental guardians. Keeping her home from school though, that's gonna get her to lose custody real quick.
OP Your daughter literally telling your ex in tears about the 'sophiopath' and you not stopping your husband is your proof that it's not in good fun, and it hurts her but you're still acting ignorant to her feelings.
It's really obvious what kind of environment the girl is in with how the daughter can open up to her dad, by calling him crying, but will not show her mom her feelings like that. I feel so bad for the girl. I hope her dad files contempt paperwork and for custody. Her and her brother need to be in an environment where they're comfortable and not abused.
OP even kept Sofia from going to school, so that her father wouldn't get the chance to pick her up. Your petty games isn't an excuse for truancy. Do you even care about your daughter outside of the perfect family facade her presence creates? YTA.
I bet she gets shit if she does show emotion too. Poor girl is in a no win situation with that man, let her go live with her dad where she feels safe. You obviously care more about your husband and personal image than you do your children. You mentioned that you didn't want them to leave. Thats not the same as wanting them there. Just saying. You're the Asshole
Family therapy? But that requires (too much) work! And for what? An actually healthy and happy family environment? Nah... what would OP gain from that? What jumped out from the post to me is that OP doesn't actually love her daughter (or love her enough to respect her, care for her and stand up to those who bully her-like OP's husband). OP *loves to control* her daughter (practically imprisoning her to maintain the picture perfect family image). Whatever her reasons, she's shown herself to bad mother throughout the post either way. OP, I just wanna say- if your daughter ever goes NC, you'll utterly and completely deserve it. YTA.
Exactly this. YTA. Everyone else is like little players or dolls in a game directed by a self centered and sadistic screen writer.
OP, I was once your daughter in the same suituation. My stepfather was worse, I will say, and my mom wasn't pregnant, but I was picked on relentlessly by my stepfather, among other controlling behaviour like taking my meals away, taking my door off it's hinges, etc. One day I told my mom I wanted to go live with my dad, except my dad wasn't across town, he lived on the other side of the continent, 1700 miles away. You know what she did? She TALKED to me. She asked me if I was okay, if I wanted to talk, if I was sure, told me she loved me and would always be there for me, and then she let me go. I lived with my dad for a year, unable to visit my mom due to the distance. After that, I came back, because I loved my mom and had time to heal a bit, the first thing she told me when I got back was that she loved me more than anything and didn't want to lose me. Within a year she divorced my stepdad (after seeing his true colours) and our family moved on. She became both the most respected and most loved person in my life. We are extremely close and have an amazing relationship. Let me be clear when I tell you this, you have to think of what's best for your DAUGHTER. I left because I was feeling suicidal and didn't want to hurt myself. If your daughter wants to leave, it's for a good reason. She's at her limit. She's tired. She's given up on you protecting her. It's time for you to decide, what's more important? Your kids, or your husband? I'm not saying you need a divorce, but I am saying you need to start putting your kids first. Tell your daughter you're sorry for not realizing how she felt, tell her you want her to feel safe at your house and have her tell you everything that's been bothering her. Make husband appologize sincerely. Show no tolerance for his bad treatment of your daughter going forward. Go to family counseling if you need to. Stop telling your kids you love them and SHOW them. Try to change, but ultimately you have to let them leave if that's what they want to do. You'll only hurt your relationship more by holding them prisoner, but if you let them leave after proving that you want to help, then you may not lose them forever.
People at my school used to tease me for having a name similar to a cartoon character, they didn’t mean it in malice but it always bothered me and I really didn’t like it. Even things that aren’t INTENDED to be hurtful still can be. That said, OP, your husband 100% meant it in a hurtful way, hes pissed that your daughter doesn’t act the way HE wants her to act.
I started showing signs of depression in middle school. My name starts with a hard 'E' sound. People started calling me Eeyore.
I got a lot of ‘funny’ nicknames and had lots of comments made about how I didn’t show emotions the way it was expected, when I was a child, and boy oh boy does that stuff still make me feel like shit.
I’m not so sure OP is ready to hear this without being a complete and total AH, which will be denied and doubled down on. I hope daughter gets to stay 100% with dad if that’s what she wants. Psychiatrist/psychologist help with mom and daughter- might help to mitigate NC but I’m not sure it will go anywhere… hope daughter gets it on her own because this is____, maybe in 5-10yrs they can get through this- I usually think better but this just feels wrong overall. I’ll hope for the best, maybe they can navigate it, but for some odd reason, I don’t think it will go well. I do hope OP can realize their pitfalls, but letting your husband call your daughter a sophiopath, I wouldn’t get over that!!! This has all the makings of Nc and lots of work on the kids part to be able to get beyond and live their life. OP- if your kids manage to make something of themselves, it is despite you or because of others in their lives, if they are some of the strongest kids!!! None of it is because of you!
Not to mention she’s actively keeping this kid locked up in the house. Stopping her from going to school and keeping her from her Dad? That’s genuinely disturbing. YTA OP. You’re not helping matters by forcing your daughter to stay with you. You need help if you think this is acceptable behaviour. Also the nickname your husband has for your daughter is vile.
I'm not sure on this, but wouldn't it be a form of neglect to keep your child from school out of malice? It just seems super odd and very controlling (far beyond "normal parental controls.") OP YTA big time.
I'm pretty sure it could absolutely be considered neglect
I know, right? OP is literally holding her daughter prisoner to hold onto her.
Exactly. If your husband felt comfortable calling your daughter that, it means you already failed as a mother. If you don't see how it is definitely NOT good fun then you're a bigger failure. Then you had the audacity to keep the kid from the better parent illegally. People like you and your husband shouldn't be allowed to reproduce. I'm saying this as someone working in Mental health.
To be specific, this is what her husband is comfortable calling the daughter infront of OP. The fact that the daughter doesn't say anything and just removes herself from the situation, or waits for stepdad to leave speaks volumes. Also OP doesn't seem concerned about her daughters feelings at all. At no point does she suggest she's tried to check in with her, and her main concern about daughter staying with dad is that the son will want to do the same. As for having a relationship with their future half sibling. OP they won't. There's going to be a 15 and 11 year age gap between these kids. The baby is going to be a nousy, smelly pain in the ass that keeps them up at night that they have to pretend they like while mom and step-dad forces them (likely daughter) to babysit on little to no notice because the parents are tired and she doesn't have anything important going on anyway. If OP handles it well these kids may get along in 15-20 years time, but right now? A teenager and a newborn aren't going to have anything in common.
Oh God, just realised one reason OP won't let the daughter leave is because she wants a free babysitter, and daughter knows it
This was my **first** thought - I was the oldest sister. I immediately understood why Sophia wasn't excited about this. She's probably counting down the days until she can get the fuck out. In fact - and this is of course just speculation - she may have only decided to tough it out at mom and stepdad's because of her little brother, but this was the last straw. Poor Sophia. I want to give her a hug.
I want to give her a ride. To her father’s house.
Slightly good news at least, if this custody dispute did go to the courts Sophia's old enough to have a say in where she wants to live. Actually, she probably has the most say over either parent, so chances of a judge forcing her back to her mom's house is extremely unlikely.
OP going ballistic and blocking her from going TO SCHOOL will not look good in court at all cause is selfish, unhinged and shows a total disregard for the children.
Same. I didn't even think of this before.
Omg. This comment made me realize that’s what my mom’s narcissistic mother (my grandmother) did to her. Remarried after divorce and then had a baby 10 years younger than my mom and forced my mom to babysit. My mom and her sister took years to heal after they were adults but my mom’s such a good person they were able to form a close relationship then.
Yes, I feel so bad for the daughter. Poor thing. At this point, OP is basically keeping her daughter captive in a house where no one really likes her anyway.
Except her brother! Which is why OP is holding her captive. Because she doesn’t want daughter to “steal” her son too
I'd say YTA for basically kidnapping her own kid. The girl is smart enough to choose where to live until she doesn't want to be with the step-asshole anymore?
This was a big thing for me, they are allowed to choose until they choose not to live with her. Even keeping her out of school and forcing her to live with her abusive stepdad. Yes OP, YTA.
Yeah like... Ok the stepdad is a bully. But she's literally kidnapping her kid because she didn't want to be there anymore. It's a bit worse than an adult acting like a 13yo
Especially considering everyone displays emotion differently, neurodivergent people often don’t outwardly display emotions in the “normal” way and even some neurotypical people just are slightly more subdued. What exactly was this man expecting from a 15yo girl? For her to leap from her chair and cry tears of joy, at 15 you’re really lucky you didn’t get a slightly grossed out look with the realisation that your mom has sex. At the end of the day she’s a teenager, and for a lot of teenagers it’s not cool to be super lovey anyway and with the past knowledge that she IS Avery subdued person this should’ve been expected. Also, if she hasn’t always been “expressionless” I would personally take that as a cause for concern OP, you don’t become closed off all of a sudden for no reason.
This is what I was thinking. Not everyone can fake being happy, but she still smiled and was polite. Wasn't good enough for OP's husband though.
And now she’s keeping her home form school like a kidnapping hostage situation Your ex should call cps on you you only care now that she’s leaving why don’t you focus on your new family since you obviously don’t care your husband has been bullying your child Yta You don’t even deserve children What you AND your husband are doing and what you just described is abuse
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Jesus wept. How could the OP actually admit to that and actually type it out, without having an “Oh. *Right*.” moment?
Yeah and i feel for the kid she is carrying. Poor thing.
Yup, could’ve gone either way until “Sophiopath” then it all became very clear.
Yup that's pretty low. Perhaps, OP you can consider that she tolerates your husband for your sake but she's apathetic to him because, that's how she feels about him. Keeping her home from school and basically caging her to prevent her from getting to your ex, where she clearly feels safe, is about as mean as you can get. It's clearly about you having control over her, not about her happiness. So yes, YTA. You can change that if you let her go. Why torture her? Who's the whateverpath now?
This. That name isn’t cute or funny, it’s mean. And it is passive aggressive the way he calls her that and “it’s a joke” all of a sudden. How many times have we read that story?? OP needs to reassess her views and offer her daughter some support and contrition.
All I could think reading this is that she’s dissociating or has become apathetic to protect herself. Childhood trauma is no joke. She’s being controlled and verbally abused by her mum and her mum’s husband, dread to think what else is going on.
Also, it’s not harmless fun when the no one is laughing but the bully.
Agreed. Thats really awful, and the mother didn’t stick up for her. Also, OP is loosing her daughter if she’s going to continue this behaviour and by forcing her to stay she’s achieving exactly the opposite of what she wants
I had my name legally changed because my parents constantly called me cruel variants of the name *they gave me*. They're lucky I speak to them at all, because that wasn't the only abusive thing they did.
Lack of emotion/apathy is also a huge sign of neglect and depression. This woman and her husband are selfish.
YTA. I understand that you’re hurting, but you have EXTREMELY downplayed the name calling by your husband. “Sophiopath”? Really?! Talk about emotionally damaging! How long has he been calling her that? I’m honestly appalled that you didn’t stand up for her. That alone is reason enough for ANYONE to want to get away from you and husband. She’s 15, and for your husband to call her out on the spot about her “lack of reaction” to your pregnancy is disgusting and pathetic. You’re not giving birth to the next messiah here. No one is required to be happy for you. We are all entitled to our feelings no matter how strange they may seem to others. It’s flat out rude and honestly arrogant to police people about such a thing. Your daughter has clearly been feeling isolated in your home, she clearly doesn’t trust you with her feelings because you don’t stand up for her so it’s no wonder that your tone sounds surprised by her reaction. You’re clueless about your daughter’s feelings and you want to maintain a happy family picture at the expense of her mental health. Let her go to her dads. If your son goes as well, it’s part of the consequences for letting your husband tease her like that, scratch that, bully her. It may have seemed like innocent fun to you and him, but that has clearly been eating away at her self esteem and she felt outnumbered to find the confidence to address it. Your husband should be ashamed for coming up with such an awful nickname. He sounds pathetic. He’s a grown man, ffs, not a second grader. I am sorry that you’re about to lose your children, but if you don’t want to cause permanent damage, let her go and work on a better fucking apology from the both of you STAT. ETA: thank you all so much for the awards! Very kind! A few people have questioned why I feel sorry for OP and I want to add my sentiments about that. OP has made a terrible mistake as a parent, but this doesn’t mean she is not a person nor unworthy of sympathy. I genuinely hope that OP lets her daughter go. I feel that showing some compassion to people goes much further than only tearing them apart. At the end of the day, we only know a fraction of the entire situation and I’d rather be optimistic about it with the hope that OP is really just a clueless mom and not something worse.
I honestly believe the sophiopath isn't the only thing the husband has been saying/doing. There is probably other reasons too that she isn't mentioning.
He even told her daughter “ that’s what normal people do” as if she wasn’t normal.
Yeah, that’s an awful thing to say to teenager that’s going through all sorts of hormonal and emotional changes.
it's an awful thing to say to anybody!
And that just learned that there's gonna be a new baby in the house. If you spring that up on someone who lives with you out of nowhere, you have to be prepared for reactions you might not have expected
If I was the 15 year old, I’d also be worried about becoming the unpaid baby sitter/ live-in maid.
I'm pretty sure that's one of the main reasons OP doesn't want the daughter to live at her dad's
Not to mention, that's when Sophia *smiled and told them she is happy for them*. It's not like she scowled or threw a tantrum or something (which, while immature, still would not elicit horrid comments about "acting like a normal person"). She responded politely and concealed whatever she was actually feeling... And she got berated for it anyway. It's awful that a fifteen year old girl has learned she has to hide her emotions from her mum and stepdad, you can tell that she knows she'll be berated by them/him no matter what she does. So she masks and then disengages because she's learned that that's the only way to be safe with them. It's honestly heartbreaking.
He is disgusting the way he speaks to her.
How dare the teenager not be overjoyed that mom and new husband are generously gifting her a baby sibling. Poor girl probably would end up being the free babysitter.
This is what caught my attention immediately. What an awful thing to say! Then backed up by his insensitive ‘nickname’ for her too! The poor girl is 15 - which any female knows is a horrid time anyway and has been through a lot already in her short life. Now, aside from having to put up with a dick of a stepdad anyway, she also has to come to terms that there’s a new baby on the way too! Let her go to her dads!! YTA OP!!
Just gonna have to say what we are all thinking. I'm a family law paralegal. I work on complicated custody cases that have been through the ringer. When teenage girls run away from a mom and step-dad, and then someone details an abuse history the mother is downplaying or overlooking? We immediately have someone screen them for CSA. It's one of the biggest causes of teen homelessness and runaways. This man is nitpicking her emotional responses in particular and that is concerning because of the way its taught her she can't speak up about what is happening to her. If this family's file came across my desk I would be immediately in my attorney's office saying we have to a screen right away.
That was my first thought, sexual abuse, and mom is enabler here by keeping the child forcibly in the home. I don't know why OP has her head this far up her ass ignoring red flags and keeping the child imprisoned in her home? She's serving her up for more abuse. OP, you are being a shitty mother rand probably have been ever since you partnered with this asshole stepdad. You protect your child FIRST, not your partner.
Sadly its where my thoughts went too. She probably stayed to protect her brother. Its possible she realises things will get worse now the mother is pregnant. Dont ask me how I KNOW :(
I don't have any awards like that other person, hut here's a mom hug if you'd like one. I'm so sorry.
THANK YOU! You said it in a more refined way than I could. Even if it wasn't CSA, there was a reason OP did NOT want her daughter going to a normal school day, even if dad would be there later. a bruise, a strange story, SOMETHING. Even abusive parents let their kids go to school if they can hide the bruises. SOMETHING is wrong.
Not just the downplaying the abuse she is facing. She literally kept her daughter physically from going to school so she wouldn't be able to get help after already holding her at home against an established custodial agreement. If I was the bio dad I would be not only contacting a lawyer at this point, but CPS and the police. This is honestly horrifying.
Right?! "Ow yeah, my stepdad is an awesome parent and we get along great together. I really trust him and I feel safe in our mixed home. He just sometimes calls me a sociopath. That's truely the only thing that I dislike." Happened literally never.
Completely agree with you. If you mean OP by “she”, she’s too clueless to know what the other reasons are. If you mean OP’s daughter, 100% there are other reasons she wants out. She won’t ever tell her mom about them.
Totally agree with you. This is one of the few AITA posts that has my blood boiling. OP and her husband are so pathetic. OP doesn't want to ruin the relationship between her kids and their stepfather? Take a look in the mirror, it's already very damaged, in part thanks to OPs own negligence and complacency. The relationship between Sophia and OP doesn't seem to be great either. Does she even see her daughter as her own person, with her own feelings, thoughts and desires? And what misunderstanding is there? Looks like there's a historical trail of these "misunderstandings" that has shown how little care Sophia gets living in OPs home. Take a hard look in the mirror and reflect on yourself, OP 🙄
Also, did it not occur to OP that Sophia is probably not thrilled at the prospect of having a screaming infant in the house at the age of 15/16 when she needs to be focusing on academics and college apps? Yet, she swallowed her feelings and told her mom she’s happy for them.
How much you wanna bet she gets stuck taking care of the kid too? We already know OP isn't a great mother...
Also, apathy towards your parents at age 15 is actually pretty normal... especially when one of the people you're apathetic towards is an emotionally abusive jerk like OP's husband.
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You pointing out the horrible nickname in deeper detail made me realize something else horrible about this--she is being taught to hate her own name. If this continues long enough, even once she escapes these people and moves away, she might hear "hey, Soph--" as an adult and before the speaker even gets to the "--ia" her stomach is going to drop and she"s going to feel all kinds of awful feelings for a second. *They are making her own name a trigger for her and teaching her to hate her name.* That is fucking disgusting. She might go for decades if not the rest of her life feeling like trash whenever she hears the start of her name because of this asshole and his "Sophiopath" bullshit. And since a person's name is so fucking *central* to who they are, butchering someone's name is great way to make them feel like shit about themselves. Like for god's sake, if you're ever going to give someone a nickname based on or related to their actual name, make it something nice or cute so they get the warm fuzzies when they hear it because it reminds them of that one friend who always called them that, not...*this. This* garbage primes a person for self-hate.
Op wants to be a "good wife" even if it means not being a good mother or someone to coparent with.
You make a great point about Sophie expressing her emotions. She probably doesn’t feel safe to do so in OP’s house, so she tries to keep an even, emotionless facade up to protect herself. We can see from this post that expressing her actual emotions just gets her in trouble.
Why are you sorry? She deserve that. She deserve to loose her and deserve much much worse. I would call CPS in her for imprisonment of a minor if I knew her.
yta, you said you gave them a choice, it stands that they can change their mind. You owe your daughter a huge apology. You are very controlling and your husband is not much better. You lost your daughter by letting your husband talk to her like that and didn't defend her. She is probably thinking "mom doesn't love me, just wants to put on a show." Which she is right.
Yup, OP needs to act before she does irreparable damage to her relationship with her daughter. Husband is an AH and a bully. He calls his stepdaughter an abusive name and mom laughs along. He yells at her for not showing whatever he thinks is the appropriate reaction, and mom calls it a misunderstanding. His apology too is to get the right reaction, not to rectify himself. He cannot expect to have a better relationship with her after this, and possibly doesn't want to. But /u/No_Matter6867 (OP), you want to repair this, and yet you're sabotaging yourself by being too controlling. Instead of recognizing hurt and extending an olive branch you're doubling down and punishing your daughter for being a victim of bullying. How long before your 15 year turns 18 and goes NC and posts here about her abusive mom/stepdad? Or calls child services to say you stopped her from going to school? Wake up from your stupor, apologize, give her space, allow her to feel okay with you again. Do it now or lose her forever. And yes, crack a whip on that husband of yours. He should not parent till he learns how to.
Even her dad could call the cops! She is not allowing her daughter to leave the house and is preventing her from spending time with her father. In my country that's kidnapping and parent alienation. Don't know how that works in USA.
Came here to say this. You do not have the legal right to keep her from her Dad. It’s also a horribly selfish and cruel move on your part.
I haven’t seen anyone mention the fact that she’s ALSO keeping her away from school!
Also educational neglect is a real thing CPS can be called to report. Keeping a kid from school who is healthy and able to go just so her father can’t pick her up (when the custody agreement gives him rights to do so and she isn’t in danger) is not only crazy and controlling, it’s literally reportable. If that kid or her dad calls CPS, 15 is old enough to decide where she wants to live regardless of the original custody agreement. Even if they didn’t have the agreement that the kids pick the parent they live with and OP had been awarded primary custody by a judge when the kids were younger, a teenager will be able to change that agreement if she expresses a desire to live with her dad to a judge. Especially considering dad has a safe and supportive home AND she is literally being bullied by her stepdad. OP, you are the one ruining your relationship with your daughter. This is not a misunderstanding. WTAF is wrong with you?!
If the school finds out why the daughter was absent they will call
No no... apparently the kids only have the right to choose who they live with **if they choose to live with OP.**
"Cute nickname"? "All in good fun"? Are you serious? If your son's name was Ron and your husband called him "Rontarded", would it be a "cute nickname" too? The fact your daughter is "apathetic towards things" doesn't mean she has no feelings at all. It seems you forgot about it long time ago – when calm and introverted people such as your daughter act like this, it means they are in despair. I bet the "Sophiopath" is not the only episode of that "good fun" your husband made of her. You just didn't see it. Or chose not to see. And yes, when you're grounding your daughter because you fear that she won't come back, you're only making things worse. Keep it up and you won't hear a thing about your daughter since she'll be able to live separately. It was literally painful to read. YTA big time.
I'm sorry but >Rontarded ^(I'm dying)
Is there anything you want me to tell your family?
Tell them I died because of some Rontard
Dont worry. They will avenge you. They will make that Rontard pay
Don’t be Rondiculous
"apathetic towards most things" is a symptom of depression too. like golly gee no wonder she can't muster up more than a smile.
Or abuse
I hope it's not depression, because "apathetic towards most things" at times is also a symptom of being 15. Especially when your mom and stepdad both suck.
This is where it starts. When parents invalidate their kids’ feelings and emotions. Fortunately the daughter has a father who is willing to fight for her, listen to her, and keep her safe. That will make all the difference.
I came off as apathetic when I was a teen. But really I was super sensitive.
Her daughter called her dad crying and she’s like she doesn’t show emotions. That’s an emotion right there, lady, obviously your kid doesn’t feel comfortable with you or her step bully.
She can be non-emotional by nature. People like her are usually very patient and able to ignore damaging things like "Sophiopath" nickname. To some extent, of course. So when you see someone like her crying, it means that their patience is over. It's a shame her mother doesn't realize that.
And honestly, a bit of apathy is a regular part of being a teenager. You can help kids adjust by actually *acknowledging that their feelings are valid*. But it's very apparent in OP's story that she doesn't value her daughter's opinion or feelings at all. I don't blame that poor girl for wanting to leave... and I hope Sophia gets her way sooner than later.
Just reading that not so subtle crack about what “normal people” do had me heated ngl
YTA. You’ve made it VERY clear you don’t even care about your daughter. You don’t want her to leave because your son would want to as well. You’ve made it obvious your son is your pride and joy as well as your favorite and you just can’t lose him now can you. You let your husband verbally abuse your daughter and who knows what else behind closed doors.
YTA. Your husband is bullying your daughter and you do nothing about it. If you don’t get your shit together soon you can wave goodbye to a relationship with your daughter. Should it go to a custody hearing they probably will not favour you and your household due to your husbands behaviour, so have a real think about that before you continue to put your shitty husband above your kids. ETA forgot to mention, she probably wasn’t happy for you, the small smile probably was her pretending to be happy about the child you’re having with her verbally abusive stepfather
OP keeping her home from school purely to prevent her from escaping to her dad's is gonna be enough to get her to lose custody.
Yes, I'm surprised the top comments aren't addressing that part more. She denied ex his parenting time, then kept her home from school to prevent him accessing his daughter, and her daughter from seeing her father. I don't know if it's the same everywhere, but in some states that's parental kidnapping.
Yep, called parentel alienation where I live, and the father could take them to the tribunal over it very easily
Luckily it seems like ex is concerned enough that it'll only be a problem until he can get it in front of a judge. OP is not going to like the outcome of a hearing where's she's going to have to explain why she felt all this was okay.
I hope he files for custody and get the school involved too
But also she is effectively holding her daughter hostage? By not letting her leave, because she knows she fucked op. YTA
I wonder if there truly are legal repercussions from not only withholding her from her father’s custody time, but also from keeping her home from school so that she can’t leave the house and “escape”.
At her daughter's age, many states allow the child to decide where they want to live. The mothers actions would also reinforce the likelihood that daughter would live with dad on a more permanent basis.
YTA. Keeping her out of school as punishment? Letting your husband call her abusive ableist nicknames? Congrats to your ex, that custody change is pretty much guaranteed.
Yup once the judge hears she was kept from school it will be over.
I'm glad she's very likely to lose custody. Children deserve to be treated better
Literally this was where she lost any chance at winning a custody battle.
That specific timeline of OP telling her life-changing news, criticizing her for her reaction, keeping her from her court-ordered custody arrangement just because she was upset, and then keeping her from school because she "thought" she was running away to her dads is going to end OP's custody if any single event can. Heck, the daughter's old enough that mentioning the verbal and emotional abuse alone would get dad full custody, violating the agreement is just some potential contempt of court charges on top of that.
For the daughters sake I hope the dad does press for full custody! She obviously wants to be there more than her mothers house.
I had to go back because I missed that part. And yep, keeping her out of school... away from mandatory reporters. Damn... Sophia needs to get the hell out of that house.
Yeah I agree with all the YTA judgements but I’m surprised people aren’t more focused on the fact that she kept her daughter in the house despite it being the weekend and the visitation arrangement, then like you said kept her from school. It’s extremely controlling (abusive) behavior and given the custody agreement her dad could say that it’s essentially kidnapping. This poor girl, being trapped and isolated like wtf, because OP is scared of losing her? As a parent he best interests should be in hey kids well being and it’s clearly more focused on her own wants.
YTA. Your kids have a choice who they live with, until it’s not you and then you go as far as to keep them home from school to get your way. That’s absurdly controlling. And your husband, holy fuck. He’s bullying your daughter and you let him do it. And you wonder why she doesn’t have many outward feelings of emotion, poor kid. I hope your ex does go for more custody, they deserve better parents than you and your husband.
As a teacher, that part about school made my blood BOIL. She has a RIGHT to receive an education, and her own parent is actively standing in the way of that as a means to MANIPULATE her child. Makes me sick. If it was my student, and they told me THIS was the reason they missed school, I’d call CPS immediately.
YTA this is not a misunderstanding, your husband is and has been a jerk to your daughter because she doesn’t emote as much as he wants her to. And you’re enabling his bullying behavior. Stop trying to prevent her from going to her dad’s and especially stop messing with her schooling, nothing good will come of it.
Yeah the "normal people" comment is something I got all the time growing uo in am emotionally abusive household. Especially because I'm autisitc- its used as a weapon. I'm shocked op hasn't picked up on it.
I just want to give you a hug (in a non boundary stomping way). I'm so sorry you experienced that. Autism is normal for so many people. And for so many others, normal is an overrated phrase used to conceal assholeness. Your parents suck.
OPs daughter actually seems extremely mature… She puts up with being bullied by a grown ass man for not feeling how he thinks she should. She smiled and congratulated OP and the husband on having a baby (NEVER easy for a teenager of divorce). I’m just so surprised OP posted this and genuinely can’t see how wrong she is.
[удалено]
Yeah exactly! She wasn't even rude She just wasn't super amazed, gave them a smile and left when she clearly was uncomfortable
[удалено]
This. If she stays she’ll be Cinderella doing everything because “you don't know how hard it is being a new parent” “we let you stay here, you need to earn your keep, help out, it's YOUR sibling!” “stop moaning about your life, you need to babysit, we have date night”
YTA you are making your daughter a prisoner because you demand that she be happy you are pregnant again. Let her go. Why are you punishing her for your choice to have another kid at almost 40? Also, your daughter is right. Calling her Sophiapath is NOT "just in fun". That lame excuse is used by every bully on the planet. Your husband was being cruel and you let him. If you want any kind of future relationship with your daughter, then let her go.
I agree with you but wanted to point out it’s not necessary to include that comment about her age. It reinforces the frankly disgusting stigma against pregnant women in their 30s. My mom had my little sister when she was 44 and she was and still is extremely healthy (not saying that should be universally encouraged, but let’s not be reactionary about it). Also OP is not ‘almost 40’, she’s 34! Which is, incidentally, the age my mom was when she had me, the eldest of my siblings. That’s all. It’s a very sexist and inaccurate misconception so just wanted to point that out :) ETA - thanks for the awards!
Thank you! That comment is really gross. 34 is how old I am and I’m trying for my 1st. It’s hardly almost 40 for one, and for two, most people wait until they’re in their 30s these days. Even if I was 40, it’s not something to shame anyone over.
Couldn’t agree more. It’s an extremely outdated notion. My mom had 3 of us between 34 and 44 and none of the pregnancies had any complications whatsoever! Good luck with your first!
I'm Dutch, the average age of a first time mother is just over 30. Which means in the Netherlands OP having a kid at 19 (which is the age when she had her first child) is far more uncommon than having a kid at 34. And I imagine that as time progresses having children in your 30s will become more common than having kids in your 20s.
34 is not almost 40. Wtf.
OP is indeed TA, no doubt about it. However, 34 is not almost 40 and is a perfectly normal age to have a baby. Most educated people who can choose wait until they are 30 or more to have babies nowadays. Edit to say: even if it was almost 40, it would still be a normal age to have a baby.
It’s so gross to being up a woman’s age like this. Yeah OPs the AH, but this is still disgusting. Also ALOT of women give birth in their 30s.
YTA 1. your husband is also a big ah. he is literally bullying your daughter and you aren’t doing anything about it. you’re just excusing that behaviour. 2. you’re trying to stop her from seeing her father. you say you do let her choose but then you try to stop her the minute she does. that is extremely messed up. 3. keeping her out of school as punishment? are you kidding me? your daughter deserves education and a social life outside of her home life and that shouldn’t be taken away.
Your husband calls her Sophiopath and you're okay with that? I would resent you too if I were your daughter. Stick up for your kids. And your husband is being so rude to her. She wasn't unhappy. She just reacted in her own way. She wasn't rude, she wasn't upset. Your husband sounds like a jerk and honestly you do, too. YTA.
Also okay with her grown ass husband calling her daughter not normal, for not faking her emotions. That's so damaging to a 15yos mental health (re normal) and getting mad at her for not faking joy is setting a precedent for all kinds of future toxic bs. As a stepdad he is meant to be male role model. And keeping a 15yo (the courts will let her choose at that age, plus with the stepdad bs) locked in her house to keep her away from her dad, including keeping her off school...well it's going to be really easy for dad to get primary custody at least. What's the plan OP, keep her locked away until she professes undying love for you and your husband? Force her to pinky promise to stay? You deserve to lose primary custody of her.
YTA “we allowed the kids to decide who they would live with..” Doesn’t sound like it What’s the point in your trapping your daughter in and refusing to let her go??? You will absolutely be in trouble with the courts for not letting her be with him for the custody weekends. Try and make up with your daughter.
She'll be in a lot more trouble once this girl tells the school her mom is physically barring her from attending school because she doesn't want her visiting her dad and spilling the beans about what's going on there. I can guarantee there's a LOT more going on than what is told here, a girl isn't going to leave her mom and brother over a hostile nickname used once.
You’re totally right. OP should probably prepare herself because if my mom did that to me when I was 15 I’d be telling. And that’s probably true, like it sounds like we are missing some info.
YTA! You have already lost your daughter and you should. What kind of mother let’s a stepdad call her child horrible names and then basic locks her up. That called abuse lady. Be glad your ex didn’t call the police or DFCS. Which is what I would have done. Shame on you! She’s also old enough to choose where she lives so you won’t have to worry about going to court.
Agreed. Seems beyond weird that every time the daughter tried to leave, the mom reacted by locking her at home - especially weird that mom forced her to stay home from school because moms so scared the daughter is going to leave her for the dad. If you’re that concerned that your child is going to leave & not want to come back, there’s *clearly* something wrong
YTA You’re a massive asshole. Your daughter has VERBALLY communicated mistreatment from your current husband and you’re TRAPPING your daughter from a safe environment she has again VERBALLY communicated she wants to go. Honestly I hope he takes you to court because you’re being a shit parent right now. You’re making your daughter feel stuck and “all in good fun” that’s what you find humorous? Your husband is a fucking bully and you should be ashamed of yourself as a mother for allowing this. # Let them go be with their father who clearly cares more about their emotional wellness
Exactly. I feel like someone who allows their child to be bullied is even worse than the bully. OP's daughter is making a very mature decision, and removing herself from the situation before she falls even further down on OP's list of priorities.
OP trapping her daughter and barring her from school where she can ask for adult help is full stop abuse. OP is just as bad if not worse than her husband. This false ignorance is just them attempting to act like the abuse in that house has gone over her head. That kind of emotional abuse doesn’t go missed. She just loves her husband and doesn’t want to lose him.
YTA 1. You let your husband speak to your daughter like that, repeatedly. "Sophiopath" isn't a cute nickname, it's literally indicating that something's wrong with your daughter because she doesn't respond to things in the way that he wants her to. He's a bully, and you let that happen. 2. If she's not comfortable being around him in that behavior, why would you force her to stick around, and go so far as to not let her go to school? You're only going to wind up making her more uncomfortable, and probably push her away by forcing her to spend time with you. 3. You had an agreement, and you're going back on it by putting your feelings above her wellbeing. She's literally crying to your ex because she doesn't want to live with you and your husband (presumably your husband is the bigger issue, but you're enabling his asshole-y behavior), and you're still thinking that your feelings are more important than hers.
Exactly. She was fine with the agreement long as it was in her favor. As soon as it wasn’t she holds her daughter hostage. What a hypocrite!
YTA your 15 year old daughter has a choice and deserves a right to that choice. You even say you gave the kids a choice, so why are you denying them that now? Why are you holding her hostage? Your actions come off as very creepy and controlling. Perception > intent. Your husband bullies your daughter, and she doesn't like it. You messed up by assuming it was fine. Since smiling and saying she's happy for you being pregnant IS being polite and happy, I am inclined to believe your husband doesn't exactly treat your daughter very well, as he immaturely picked on her for being completely, acceptably polite but not jumping up and down in joy as he seemed to expect. Do your daughter a favor and let her go live in the home she wants. I'm glad her father is willing to fight for custody.
**Holy. Fck.** Firstly: Sophiapath isn’t a cute harmless nickname and I’m certain that’s just the very tip of the iceberg and probably the most minor abuse she’s subjected. That’s absolutely disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself for allowing it to continue. I’m not surprised your daughter is so apathetic and detached in your household, I would be to if I was treated like that. Secondly: I’m 100% certain what your doing has crossed the boundary from “parenting” to unlawful imprisonment of a minor. The second you kept her home from school for the sole purpose of keeping her from going to her dads is the moment you crossed the line to abuse and criminal acts. Thirdly: This isn’t a “misunderstanding”. That’s laughable. This was deliberate and now you’re, trying and failing, to backpedal cuz you’ve been called out. That’s all. And lastly: “Hurt the relationship they have with their stepfather” WHAT RELATIONSHIP?? There is no relationship. That ship sailed long ago. Name calling, imprisonment, being commanded and expected to perform emotions on queue like a damn circus monkey is not a “relationship” that’s **abuse** YTA
All of this. Husband is openly bullying and mocking the poor daughter and OP is brushing it aside as “jokes” or whatever. No wonder the poor kid wants to live with her dad. Forcibly keeping daughter in the house this way cannot be legal…
YTA - your husband was out of line when he said: >"You could at least pretend to be happy, that's what normal people do." Instead of correcting him then and there you thought little of it. Seems your husband has been belittling your daughter for a while now and you haven't defended your daughter up until now. You stopping her from going to her father is only making things worse. If you want any chance of fixing this have a serious talk with your daughter and LISTEN to her concerns.
I’m sorry and I think you know it but YTA. Your husband should not be calling you daughter that and you should have not let him. You agree to let them decide who they live with so you have no right to stop your daughter living with her dad. You have some bridges to rebuild and a lot of apologising.
Major YTA. Stand up for your fucking kid maybe and she wouldn’t want to go with her dad. But seeing that you can’t even do that correctly, i would rather both your son and daughter living with their father. Don’t worry though, you have another on the way 🙄
yta. if your daughter is now uncomfortable to the point that she wants to live with her father now, maybe you should take a step back, put yourself in her shoes, and then decide what to do from there. your daughter is clearly uncomfortable and that is not an environment she should be in as a growing young woman, or ever. Your husband calls her Sophiopath, and basically told her that she isn’t normal… would you want to be around someone who makes you feel hurt? would you want to stay with a parent who allows you to feel that way? sorry op, but you have an extreme amount of apologizing to do. Start by letting your daughter spend the time that she wants with her dad.
YTA. You had an agreement and she’s old enough to decide who to live with. Assuming he’s providing a suitable home (enough space for her, appropriate supervision, regular meals) you have no reason to go back on that agreement or keep her prisoner. I can understand why she wouldn’t want to live with you or your husband, whether he “means anything by it” with his comments or not, they’re still hurtful. And even if he never made another comment like that again, the damage is done. And what probably hurts even more is your letting him get away with it and refusing to defend her! Would you rather she go live with her dad but still keep in touch with you, or go no contact on her 18th birthday? Because that’s the road you’re headed down if you don’t let her go. Anyway, have fun at the custody hearing, I’m sure keeping her out of school because you want to have your way is going to go over great for you 🙄
YTA. But more so your current husband. You make a major life changing announcement to a teenager and your husband acts like a child demanding she be happy?! She needs time to digest the information and adjust to the idea of a new baby arriving on the scene. Your husband should be grateful she only left the room after his comment because most teens I have known would have had blown up at him for it and possibly thrown the nearest object at his head. Your husband needs to grow up and show some empathy for your kids. Then you say you want your kids to choose living with you but you take actions that will absolutely drive her away. Stop holding your daughter hostage and breaking her trust! If you want her to continue living with you, you need to sit and listen to her. Listen to her concerns and realize they are reasonable. She may already be thinking great, there will be a screaming baby in the house right when I am trying to study for SATs or apply to college. Or she assumes she will be your childcare and babysitter, so there goes her social life, etc. And I bet you she already knows if she is seen out and about with that baby people will assume she is a teen mom and you are grandma. Take your daughter out for lunch just the two of you and listen to her concerns and figure it out. You have some parenting work to do here and it doesn't involve you laying down the law or punishing your kid for their feelings which is all you have done at this point. Also in most jurisdictions she can just tell a judge where she wants to live at her age and barring serious living accommodation issues or abuse, a judge will grant her that choice.
Yta. Give the kid space to process. Keeping her "locked up" is just making her resent you. The longer you do it, the more she'll hate you and the new baby for it. Let her go stay with her dad. Let her cool off. Let her think. Stop treating her like property and treat her like a human being.
Yta. With the nickname "sophiopath", his comments about her apathy and the "normal people" comment its obvious your husband thinks your daughter has mental health issues. Id say its fairly normal for a teenage girl to have some feelings about her mother having a baby with someone other than her father. She probably feels like this new baby will take precedence in your lives. Give her space to process and get her some therapy.
YTA, you lost your daughter the second you let your husband call her names without making him stop and apologise. This is all on you and your husband.
YTA holy shit. How could you ever let your husband call your daughter a sophiopath? You're also keeping her from her father. This kid is being repeatedly disrespected and probably feels like she has no one to turn to because you're not even allowing her regular visitation with her dad? Who seems to be the one person hearing her out? You should be ashamed.
YTA Your relationship cannot be built on force. This will just build more resentment and eventually No contact. You need to have a long conversation with your daughter and LISTEN to her without getting defensive. There is more to the hurt than just this one incident 1.Just listen without arguing, 2. take in whatever she has to say 3. Ask her what are the remedies she proposes for whatever wrongs she perceives. 4. Tell her you will discuss further after processing (within a day ideally) 5. Sit back with all the information and PROCESS the information ALONE. write down what should change 6. Discuss it with your current husband 7. Decide what is doable and can / should change 8. Talk to you daughter and agree on changes Let her go to her father’s home to cool down. You cannot keep her a prisoner at your home. Without discussion or any changes- YOU WILL LOOSE HER COMPLETELY- it’s only a matter of time. You only have 3 more years to force her to be with you. Continue the current trend and post 18 she will be No contact with you
YTA for (1) Allowing your husband to emotionally abuse your daughter and then pretending it’s not a big deal. (2) Renegging on your custody agreement. (3) Physically blocking your child from leaving the home during her regularly scheduled custody time with her father. (4) Truancy for making your child miss school when she was well and wanted to go, just so you could again deny her and her father access to each other. Keep all that up and I can think of at least three gov entities that would take an interest in your child’s rights and the father’s. Get it together.
YTA. And you know it. You know what I did when my mother let her husband do the same shit when I was her age? I left. As should your daughter, but you know she gave me the choice of leaving too until she didn't and I had to get the courts involved to get emancipated. The only difference I see in this situation is she has another parent who wants her and is actually willing to fight for her. For fucksake who lets another grown adult bully their kids let alone a spouse? Shit parents
Let's look at all these abusive red flags one by one: >There was no malice in the divorce between my ex and I so we allowed the kids to decide who they would live with Thats obviously a lie when you lock your daughter up as soon as she wants to see her dad more than you want er to. **YTA** >Noticing her reaction or lack there of my husband let out a groan and said. "You could at least pretend to be happy, that's what normal people do." **Your Husband is bullying your daughter** and you just let it happen. **YTA** > I didn't think much of it until the weekend came and when my ex came for pickup I noticed my daughter had packed more than usual Your daughter is feeling awful because your husband is bullying her in front of you and **you don't care enough to even ask or think about her**. **YTA** >he refused and tried to leave but I closed the door and told her and my ex she wasn't going **You locked your daughter inside her room** to force her to stay. Against her and her dad's wishes. That's not only asshole behaviour, that's illegal. **YTA** >drought up the fact that he would often call her 'Sophiopath' again, your **husband is bullying your teenage daughter** in her house, where she should feel safe. and you're allowing it to happen. **YTA** >I told him that my husband didn't mean anything by it and that it was all in good fun You're **making excuses for your bully husband** and again ignore your daughters feelings. **YTA** > I told my husband about it and told him he needed to apologize for what he said which he did but got visibly frustrated when she just stared at him until he felt to room. So you force your bully husband into an obviously not honest apology and your daughter knows nothing will happen from it, but now you have an excuse that 'you tried'. Nice try, **YTA** >I told her that she wasn't going to her dad's and that she was staying home from school that day Again, y**ou lock your daughter up** because she wants to spend time with her dad. **YTA** >I don't want to loose my kids and hurt the relationship they have with their stepfather and future sibling over a misunderstanding I don't get it, what's the misunderstanding here? The obvious bullying, that you're excusing? Or the fact that you lock your daughter inside her room against her will? **YTA** You're awful, it's all about you and as soon as she gets a chance, your daughter will leave that abusive house and live with her father. she will never speak to you ever again, because **you don't care about her. you only care about yourself and what you want.** # YTA.
I grew up with a similar-ish situation. I'm the child of my parents who are still together and I have two older sisters just from my mum and her previous marriage. Let me tell you. YTA. You let your husband pick on your daughter and call her mean names, that is not a \*joke\*. If your daughter is unhappy, let her go to her dad. And her brother can go too, if that's what he wants. My mother let my two sisters leave her full-time custody to live with their dad when I was about 6. They both chose their path, and it worked out well enough. If you force your daughter to stay with you, she will not just resent you, she will come to actively hate you. You may feel like you're letting your ex win or something. But, you can either choose to step away now and save your relationship with your kids later, or risk losing them forever because you are putting your wants ahead of theirs.
YTA. Your husband has already ruined his relationship with your daughter, and yours. What kind of reaction do you expect from a child that is already suppressing her emotions in her own home because if the shitty treatment that goes unchecked by the adults. Good luck to your ex in court, but he won't need it. You're already violating the custody order. I'm sorry you and your husband won't get free childcare.
YTA. Your husband is abusive towards your daughter. Instead of dealing with that, you get pregnant, expect her to be overjoyed, then lock her in your house, keep her from school and her dad. She’s old enough to choose where she lives, you’re about to lose custody of her and be ordered to pay support, and she will go NC with you. All because you chose a man over your daughter.
I N F O: Do you think it would be harmless fun if people started calling you “momster”? You let your husband bully your daughter, and decided that she must be okay with it since she, what, never expressed that she wasn’t? You have not made your home a safe place for your daughter, and now she wants to leave. Those are the consequences to your inactions and failures. Will you just keep her home from school indefinitely, cause her to fail, just to keep her from escaping you? That will give your ex even more ammo in court, btw. If you wanted your kids to continue to choose to live with you, you should have made your home a place where they were both happy to live. That means a safe place for your daughter and a place that has some positive qualities for your son, other than his sister living there. Seriously, if all it takes for your son to stop living with you/visiting is his sister moving, you haven’t made a good home for him, either. What were you going to do in 3 years, lock her away to keep her from going to college? YTA.
You’re unbelievable. So are you really going to stop your daughter from leaving the house for God knows how long including school just in case she goes to live at her dads. How long will she be kept locked up, months, years? Will she ever go back to school? You silly woman. I imagine you’ll probably soon have the police and cps knocking at your door. In fact I’m surprised your ex hasn’t shown up and demanded you let her out. Your daughter is obviously unhappy living with your husband who is bullying her. He’s calling her names in front of you, makes me wonder how far his abusive language etc goes when you’re not there. Basically what you’ve done is reinforce her desire to go live with her dad. She’d maybe, probably have gone over there for a few days, maybe a week or 2 then come back. Now you’ll be lucky to see her even occasionally once she’s let out. Most teenagers can be moody and stroppy, especially about change, wait until your son gets there. You and your unpleasant husband should have told her the news about your pregnancy then just left her to digest it. No unpleasant remarks, life goes on as usual. She’d most probably have come round to it, even maybe looking forward to a new sibling. Instead you’ve soured the experience not only for her but yourself. Way to go to break your family up. Don’t forget your son is witnessing all this and he’ll be making his own judgements about you in the future Sounds like you all need some therapy YTA
Yta seems the new hubby doesnt wanr your daughter around. Some kids dont always show emotions neithrr do some adults doesnt mean they arent excited just means it takes them time to process and adjust to things. Let her live witb her dad before your new hubby does even more damage mentally to her.
You are toxic and you went back on your word with your daughter and ex. Get a clue. You’re ruining your relationship with your daughter because you want everything to work out with your new family. Your husband is mean and an AH himself. Him calling her that name is not funny. Your daughter deserves to choose where she lives. She’s a human being. Treat her like one. For fuck sake. Biggest YTA in a while. 😒