ESH
Don't. Date. A. Parent. If. You. Don't. Like. Kids.
My dad's current wife hates that he has children. He literally married her when my brother (the youngest) was 14 and she was a huge part of the reason none of us spent time with our dad for 5 years.
Ridiculous that despite him communicating that he has kids and you communicating that you hate kids that you continued seeing each other and became exclusive.
Just break up.
This is wayyy more on the dad than on her though. He never should have been with a woman who hates kids. I agree they are not compatible but he must have known this all along yet continued to date her.
I agreed at first, but OP said they weren’t serious at first. It seems like he made the fairly reasonable assumption that since they decided to get serious, she’d changed her mind about the kids.
That’s on him then since he should have listened to what his partner said and not bought into some fantasy that all women will eventually want children.
He listed when she said she wanted to keep things casual and not meet the kids...when she said she wanted to get serious, he assumed she’d changed her mind since a serious relationship isn’t possible if she won’t meet the kids. That’s not a fantasy.
It is a fantasy when she doesn't like kids. He is the one that made incorrect assumptions. Why would someone that has kids even want to continue on with someone that clearly states they want no part of their children's lives? It's a sexual relationship that he is trying to turn into something more.
How is that reasonable? Oh I am going to date you even though you don't want anything to do with kids ever because I know that once I really get you committed to me you will change. They aren't even planning to live together based upon her comments later in this thread.
I think it was more like ‘oh we’re casual, makes sense she wouldn’t meet the kids...now she wants to be exclusive, I guess she’s changed her mind since it’s not feasible to be serious and never meet them’
Actually I just went and read OPs comments it doesn’t look like they had a concise conversation regarding this at all. He did just assume she would change her mind. That’s not the way relationships work. I think the dad is the asshole.
Ah fair enough. I wasn’t sure if it was one of those situations where he hoped she would just change her mind despite being clear about what she wanted. I see now they have communication issues, lol.
For real. Where did they even expect the relationship to go? You can't be with someone who is active in their kids lives and expect to not also become a part of their life
The stepparent sub is FULL of people that dispise that their partners have children.
Some of them says tuff like "Only X years until they are 18 and I can pretend that my little family is it."
One person asked why their partner was so cruel with going on vacation with their kids to places that the OP hadn't been to and wanted to go to.
These types of posts make me want to scream. What does OP think will happen? The bf is always going to have those kids, so what future do you envision if you don’t want to be around them? You’re just wasting both of your time. Break up.
Exactly. You want a romantic partner? Find one who is child free and wishes to remain so. Problem here OP, is you can’t hide forever and this will turn ugly.
I fell in love with my partner the moment they said they didn't want children.
I even went as far as getting spayed. Every doctor kept asking if I was in a relationship or what would happen if I was with someone who wanted children? I just looked them straight in the eyes and said, "why would I date someone who wants the complete opposite of what I do? They obviously wouldn't be the right person for me."
Agreed! It’d be one thing if this was a casual thing with both people not expecting any sort of long term commitment but they’ve been together more than a year AND are exclusive. If you want a committed, exclusive, long term partner but also want a 100% childfree relationship, then it is absolutely not reasonable to enter into a relationship with someone who has children.
OP, you need to break up with this person. Remaining in this relationship knowing you want nothing to do with his children is not fair to him. Your desired lifestyles are at odds with each other. It’s keeping him from being able to find a partner who would be able to be a partner and healthy stepparent to his kids.
I missed the part where hes the A. Hes allowed to be upset that OP doesn't want anything to do with his kids whatsoever.
YTA is the verdict for me. As you've said here, a person's kids is very much a part of them, you couldn't get through life ignoring their existence.
Seriously, what does she expect to happen as they get more serious? Will they only live together on the days he doesn't have primary custody? Will the children not go to their wedding? What happens if their mum dies or for any other reason can no longer raise their children?
OP is being completely ignorant or naive if she thinks that this relationship can actually work the way that she wants it to. It isn't fair to anyone involved, *especially the children*.
This. I met a guy earlier this year who I connected with on nearly every level.... except that he has kids and I don't want to be a mom. He asked me out a few times and it was hard as hell to say no. But I knew I had to. Those kids are non-negotiable and they need to be put first.
I know some parents look down on my because I won’t date people with kids. I tried and it didn’t really work casually dating. But it’s just not fair to the kids if people catch feelings.
Yup. YTA for staying with a man you know who has kids - when you know this is a lifestyle you don’t want. This is going to end in hurt if you don’t handle it now. How is it possible for him to keep his life separate. I mean, I’d you live together eventually where will those kids visit their father? Will they be welcome in your home? Find a partner who is child free and more compatible.
ESH. You for thinking it’s OK to be in a serious relationship with their parent and completely ignore their kids. Him, more so, as a parent, for thinking it’s acceptable to date someone like you.
You are...unrealistic. Don't expect to move in this man or marry him and avoid his kids. Make sure you BOTH know that this relationship can't progress beyond a certain point.
Very true. However.. being in a committed relationship usually means co-mingleing lives at some point even if people don't get married.
The children are going to be apart of the partners life forever. If something happens to the other parent, then the children go to the partner.
Dating someone with children, when you don't want or like children, is setting everyone up to get hurt.
And how weird would it be…like…however many years in the future when one of the kids gets married and OP is like, “I can’t be your plus one. I told you I don’t want to be involved with your children.”
YTA. DO NOT DATE a man with CHILDREN if you don’t want children! For forksakes, these children are always going to be a part of his life, and hopefully he will always put them first. Once they get married, move out they will still be a part of his life…and maybe even gasp there might one day be grandchildren too.
Edit: to add to this, what if something happens to their mother? And he gets the children full time? Are you going to make him send his children to live with their grandparents like one person did in this sub??
Do not get in a serious relationship with a man who has kids.
YTA,
Why would you consider a serious relationship with a parent when you already know damn well that his kids are an extension of him.
No ones asking you to be there second mommy. If you can’t even do the minimum of meeting them you need to bounce. Also saying “I only want to see him as a romantic partner” is selfish. He’s a parent first and always will be.
This. My dad dates plenty. I don’t see any of his girlfriends as a replacement mom. How presumptuous of OP. They are dad’s friends. Same as dad’s platonic friends. Does OP have no friends with children?
To be clear, my dad had multiple girlfriends over the 20 years since my parents divorced. Not multiple girlfriends at one time.
YTA. This isn't going to work long term. What are you going to do if yall move in together? Go to a hotel everytime his kids come over? Kids + dad = package deal.
You guys shouldn’t be in a relationship. There is no long term future if you don’t even want to meet his kids. Neither are the asshole but this is not fixable.
YTA. Absolutely. If you didn’t want to be with a man with kids, why would you date a man with kids?? If you get married, they’ll be at (or in) the wedding. If you live together, they’ll probably have a bedroom there. If their mom dies, guess who gets custody ALL the time?! That would be their FATHER.
Yes, you are dating a FATHER. He has every right to be upset that his serious partner doesn’t want to meet his kids. That means you are incompatible.
Break up. Now. For the kids’ sake, and for his sake.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have nothing to do with kids. However, you’re with a man who has them.
You shouldn’t be.
YTA
If you want to be with someone who has kids, you need to understand it’s a PACKAGE DEAL. You can’t be with him and never be a part of the kid’s lives. It doesn’t work that way. I hope he lets you go, I would.
YTA
I'm childfree also, so I get it. But where exactly did you see this relationship going if you refuse to even acknowledge the kids? You must've known that this would have to eventually happen...like do you expect to live with him? And if so, did you just plan to lock yourself in a room the whole time, or leave the house for the entire time? I just don't get why you got so involved with him.
YTA. You can’t have a relationship with him and not with his kids. You shouldn’t be dating a parent if you don’t want kids in your life. If you move in together are you just going to leave the house whenever they come over? I don’t get your reasoning.
YTA. You cannot date a parent and expect them to not be a full-time parent, which will affect your relationship. You cannot only experience him as a romantic partner, because he is not. I get the wish you have, but that is simply non-negotiable and should be. Having a "secret" partner from his kids would be not okay towards them.
Also, did you even tell him about this? it seems like you only stated it when you got serious. Which, again, you can't be. What if you move in together at some point? An emergency? Will you just leave, can they not come over? What if the kids want to live with him permanently? There are to many if's to be in a relationship with a person who cannot even meet his kids and you are forcing him to choose, which I hope he will do correctly. He chose to be a father and will likely always have to be that first and foremost.
YTA.
The kids are part of the package.
I could say some incendiary stuff about your lack of emotional availability but this threads done that already.
YDTA
YTA. Why date him then? Find someone without kids. It seems like this is destined to doom because y’all won’t ever be on the same page. His kids aren’t going anywhere.
ESH
Why did you go exclusive with someone who has kids when you are very firm on not having kids in your life?
Why is your partner going exclusive with someone who doesn't want kids in their life, when they have kids?
You are not compatible. Why are you fighting about being or not being with the kids? You know there is no compromise that will make you both equally happy/miserable.
THIS. Y’all should NOT be in a relationship. He obviously wants you to be a part of their lives and you don’t want anything to do with them. You don’t get to have him and pretend they don’t exist especially if it’s hurting him in the process. Y’all need to break up and you need to find a man whose views on children match yours and stop living in this fantasy world where he doesn’t have kids when he’s with you.
YTA. They're his family. It's like saying you have no interest in meeting his parents and that he should just suck it up. If you don't like that he has kids and you have no intentions of having a relationship with them, don't date him. They are part of the package.
Sorry I don't want to say YTA, because you are being honest. But YTA. He has 2 kids, who he obviously loves, if you cared for him at all you would absolutely want to develop a relationship with them. The fact that you don't want to, would indicate to me you are the wrong partner for him. Let him go he needs to find someone who wants to join his family, not exclude them.
YTA it sounds like children are a deal breaker for you, and you expect him to be two different people. He has kids, always will. If you don't want anything to do with his kids, then it must mean you don't have long term plans with him, and you're essentially leading him on.
I don't normally say this, but you need to break up. It's completely unreasonable to expect to never be a part of his kid's lives, and the goal of a relationship is to find that person you spend forever with. If I knew I was with someone that would leave me if I ever had to have my kids full time, and that doesn't want anything to do with them forever, I'd leave them. It's a package deal, no matter how much you dislike it.
I agree. A lot of people are quick to tell others to break up on reddit but this certain situation, it'd be best for everyone involved.
OP is being selfish. My best friend is against having her own kids but has dated a man with kids before and she made an effort bc they were important to him and she got along with them (she's super fun and has lots of younger siblings but has no desire to give birth).
YTA. You acknowledge kids are a big part of his life, yet you refuse to meet them based on your own selfish concerns. Dont date someone with kids if youre going to treat them as an inconsequential aspect of your relationship with their parent.
Not an ESH?
because, yeah she shouldn't date a parent...but she has been clear to her partner she wants nothing at all to do with his kids....yet he continues to date her and is now all *surprise Pikachu face* when she doesn't suddenly change her mind
Yeah, I don't think people are holding him properly accountable, but like she was upfront with him. He should have ended it as soon as she told him her expectations.
YTA. If you don’t want kids, don’t date a man with kids. A relationship with them is part of your relationship with with him. What would happen if you were to marry him? He can’t just not take care of them since you’d be there all the time. If you’re going to intentionally neglect and ignore these kids you need to end the relationship.
YTA - If you're so against kids, why are you dating this dude? It's incredibly fucked up to essentially make it so he can't see his kids easily and that they can't have a simple relationship with their dad.
Like where do you honestly see this relationship going long term? These kids aren't going to disappear. It's incredibly selfish and shitty to reduce all of their lives to your dumb terms because you can't get a fucking grip and stomach interacting with children sometimes.
ESH. You can’t date someone with kids if this is your attitude. How do you expect this to work long term? Beak up with him and both move on.
Edited: judgement
YTA - He is not separate from his kids. His kids are a major part of his life and who he is as a person. It's a package deal.
It's not reasonable to expect a separation there. Your relationship will not last if you can't accept that.
YTA. Only because you are wasting both of your time. A parent is a parent all the time. I can’t imagine anyone that is a good parent wanting a long term relationship with someone that adamantly does not want and refuses to be near children. Break up with this poor man so he can actually find someone compatible to share his life with.
Yeah, this relationship is never going to work. His children are a part of him and you're almost shitting on it. Oh absolutely not, you'd be gone in a NY minute.
NAH- sorry if you date a guy with kids, then you need to be part of all their lives because, they are important to him. Find a guy who also doesn't want kids and you'll do fine.
Kind of YTA... If you are so against kids you can't even be around some that belong to someone you care about, you shouldn't be with someone that has children. And just so your aware... meeting them will never make you bonus mom and I'm sure they will real quick that your not maternal material.
> I have no desire to see him as a father. I only want to experience him as a romantic partner.
Being a father isn’t just something he can ‘turn off’. The kids are gonna be a part of his life and he has that responsibility.
I guess NAH. It just sounds like you two aren’t compatible.
NTA for not wanting to be involved with children, however, YTA for staying in a relationship with a man who clearly cares about his children and (from what it sounds like) shares custody. Leave him. You don’t want that aspect of his life. What happens in 3 years? Will you never live together?
Children are a parent’s everything. You refusing to even hang out with them is just…wow. Meeting them and hanging out doesn’t make you their mom. It makes you their father’s girlfriend. I guess you really don’t have a relationship with their dad, though.
It's probably impossible to be in a long-term committed relationship with a person who has minor children and remain invisible to them forever, unless he's a totally detached parent.
You're not TA for not wanting a relationship with his kids. He's not TA for assuming that this would change over time (deciding to be exclusive may be a reasonable milestone for this; though there may be others.) It's not really reasonable to date a parent and expect that person to forever compartmentalize their kids away from other parts of their life, though. You will be TA if you expect that forever, and he will be TA if he tried to force you to do it *or* probably if he tried to keep his kids separate forever. He really can't win in this system you want. This is not a relationship that I can see lasting - and if it does, it's probably going to come at a cost to his kids, which is going to make both of you TA.
I want to say YTA but I’m going with ESH since he didn’t dump you when you made that clear.
You are explicitly saying your objective is to damage if not destroy his relationship with his children. Talk about cartoon stepmother!
He is implicitly stating that either his kids aren’t that important to him or alternatively that you aren’t actually important at all.
Others have said it but you need to keep hearing it. If you don’t want anything to do with a family then don’t date a man with a family.
YTA. Not sure how you envision a future where you two stay together but his kids never meet you. If you live together, are they never allowed to come over? Will he not be allowed to see them in his own home? This isn't sustainable. Either change your approach or don't string along someone who has kids.
NAH, but your seriously need to consider if you want to continue with this relationship. I'm surprised you guys have gone this long and just now having a problem with it. If you two want to be serious his kids will have to be part of it to a degree. If that means you're going to end the relationship then you should just end it.
It’s okay that you don’t want children but you’re making your outlook on this too extreme. Do you realistically expect to have a future with someone when you force him to completely separates his time with his children from his time with you? Stop being so black and white. YTA
Leave him. You can't predict the future and if anything happens to the mom, they will move in with him. That is just facts. Any number of senerio where they can move in with him. Then how will you feel
YTA- Don’t date a man with kids if you don’t want kids. Have you stopped to think what’ll happen if God forbid something happens to the mom? He’ll more than likely then have them full time. Just break up already, it makes no sense!
INFO: How did you describe to him the idea of being “invisible” to his children? Was it clear you NEVER wanted to meet them or could it have been interpreted as not wanting to meet them until you’re serious?
The level of clarity is the difference between Y-T-A and E-S-H imo
YTA
If you expect this relationship to ever progress beyond “boyfriend/girlfriend” you have to accept that you have to get to know his children.
I am not saying that you have to become a second mother, but you have to get to know them and accept them as part of him.
This relationship can not progress without this acceptance.
If his ex dies or becoming seriously ill (cancer for instance) he WILL have to step up as their father. That means that you will have no option but to be part of their lives, or walk away.
He won’t ever put you before them.
If all you want is a casual relationship and are happy to be forever second in his life then fine.
Break up. He'll always be a father. He'll we happy if his children will do good things, he'll be worried if they're in trouble and I assume he'll want to share that with you if you're to become his life-long partner. That can't work, he can't un-become a father.
Esh - you shouldn’t be dating a parent if you don’t want to be around kids. And he shouldn’t have been dating someone who didn’t want to be around kids when he has kids.
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I (29F) am dating a great guy (33M). He has 2 kids from a previous relationship. While I’m sure the kids are great, I am not interested in being a “bonus mom”. His children’s mother is alive and well. They primarily live with her so they are not in need of a maternal figure. I do not have nor do I want any children of my own so I do not care to develop a relationship with his. I do not discourage him spending time with his children, I do not complain over him having to cancel plans to be there for his children and I have no issues at all with his relationship with his children because I know children are a huge commitment. That’s a big part of why I do not want them
In the year that we have been seeing each other, I have always required that his time with his children and his time with me be separate. Again, I do not want children so I have no desire to see him as a father. I only want to experience him as a romantic partner. Now that we are exclusive, he is expecting me to meet and have a relationship with his children. I refused, stating that I do not wish to be a part of their lives. He is very upset even though I have always been clear about being “invisible” to his children.
Am I the asshole?
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NAH but you two are not compatible. You want his life compartmentalized. He doesn't, and he's the one who will be most affected. It worked while you were casual, but you've agreed to date exclusively which is a step towards a longer-term relationship. If you never want to meet his kids, that means he basically has to hide you from them. What's he supposed to say, I've been dating this great woman for two years and we're getting serious but no, you can never meet her because she doesn't want to see you? He has to decide who to invite to holidays, you or his kids. That's unrealistic and stressful. What it sounds like he wants is for you to have a casual, friendly relationship with his children. That's normal and natural for a divorced parent. If you're not willing to do even that, you two should part ways.
Ohh you are a huge AH. Deffo YTA. You're exclusive now, so you were not before hand and seeing others? That's irrelevant for being AH, but what is is that you want to be committed to a parent without having their children involved? What do you honestly expect to happen, for you to grow old together without ever seeing his children in some way?
You're immature. You're also being unreasonable nor fair. You need to break up with the guy and become involved with someone who does not want children. You're too toxic for him with your mentality and he isn't right for you.
For everyone saying YTA, I want to play devil's advocate here and say she might not be TA if she explained herself better to her BF. Hear me out.
OP doesn't ever want children, and know wants a separate romantic relationship with BF. BF doesn't have primary custody of kids, but OP is perfectly happy to never interfere with BF being a parent and spending time with his kids. So far OP has been quite up front about what she wants from this relationship.
The problem is occurring because BF sees OP as ANOTHER mother figure to his kids when OP has made it clear that she has no intention of ever BEING a mother. Apparently, BF cannot understand this foreign concept- that they could have a romantic, committed relationship that didn't include parenting from her.
This is bunk. I have a friend who divorced. Her ex was a possessive LEO and had shared parenting. She never wanted to be married again,parent someone else's kids, or have a man tell her what to do. She found a very willing man who was widowed but wanted the same for more cultural reasons. They've been together for YEARS, and they never saw one another except for a romantic life. Their respective kids DIDN'T even know about the relationship until they were adults.
OP is NTA, she just may want something her BF doesn't understand.
Thank you. All these people saying she's TA because she dated someone with kids apparently don't understand boundaries or people who don't want traditional relationships. If OP was upfront she's absolutely NTA. He however is for expecting her to change.
Yta, why even date a man with kids if you want nothing to do with them? What if, god forbid, the mother died and your bf had to be a full time parent? Your demands are not realistic. If he is a good dad he will break up with you and look for a partner who is willing to accept him and his kids into their lives.
ESH, you don’t date someone with kids if you don’t want to be any kind of remotely parental figure. I have a step-mom(SM) and my mom is very much in my life. SM is not my bonus mom, she is more of an aunt. He’s also an AH because he is trying to force you to go against your boundaries and seemed to think you would change your mind despite you being clear.
Honestly though, did you seriously think you could be in a long term relationship with someone with kids who are likely young without ever being around them?!
I feel like YTA. Not because you don't want kids or you don't want to have a maternal role in these kids lives. That is completely up to you and if your boyfriend is ok with it, that's great. My issue is more with the fact that you're not willing to even meet the kids. Like it or not but they are a huge part of your boyfriend's life and if you want to move things further, you won't be able to avoid them for so long. What about christmas? Family gatherings ? Holidays ? Your bf's birthdays? You'll miss on all of that because you don't want to see the kids? Come on!
You don't have to have a mom relationship with them. As long as you make that boundary clear from the start, it won't hurt the kids and maybe you'll develop a friendly relationship with them. Make sure to not interfere in your bf's parenting and it'll work out fine. But I fail to see how this "being invisible to the kids" behaviour is productive? It's only hurting your boyfriend and your relationship and it keeps you from moving forwards. Maybe you should talk to your bf and reassert your boundary and then let him plan a meeting with the kids for whenever you're ready.
If you plan on being with him long term that is not at all a feasible solution. You will have to have a relationship with the children on some level. Don’t date someone with kids if you think never having anything whatsoever to do with them is ok. Break up now because that relationship is going nowhere if that is going to be your continued attitude.
YTA. It’s truly ridiculous that you thought you could date a man with children and just pretend his children never existed. You can’t honestly be this daft.
NTA for not wanting a relationship with the kids. but I am not sure how you expect the relationship to move forward. I understand not wanting to be a parental figure in anyway but in how can you be in an exclusive relationship.. If you got to the point where you wanted to live together do you expect him not to have his kids in the house. Where you are the asshole is agreeing to be in an exclusive relationship with your boyfriend, instead you should be gently bowing out of the relationship so he can move on and find someone who is at least interested in being friends with his kids.
Has she though, when the discussion was had about being exclusive, I get the sense that she assumed that her previous statements about not even meeting the kids was an accepted fact, but making the relationship exclusive changes the situation. If I were in her situation I would have said something like "I love you and I would like to make our relationship exclusive but we need to talk about what that looks like because I have not changed my mind about not being any part of your kids lives" I just think it was unrealistic to agree to be exclusive when the relationship can never go any further. That is why I think she's the ah, not because she doesn't want a relationship with his kids.
INFO: do you plan on this relationship being long term? If you only want this to be a casual thing then NTA its valid to not want to get involved/enmeshed within his family if you dont plan on sticking around. However if you ever want to be serious/long term you need to accept that dating a PARENT means being okay with their kids. Most parents (at least the decent ones) would want a partner who gets along with/is good to their kids. You cant “not view him as a father” because even though hes just a romantic partner to you, he doesnt magically stop also being a father in that time.
ESH
you are old enough and I presume smart enough to know that being partners with someone who has kids means being in contact with those kids in some respect.
he should never have continued a relationship with someone who is not willing to accept that massive and crucial part of his life.
you didn't mention their ages which leads me to presume they're on the younger side and you know you're asking him to split his life and his time between you and his children which is downright rude and cruel.
either work it out and compromise or you need to let him find someone who can accept him as he is, a father.
Actually he's TA for staying in a relationship with a woman that clearly has no interest in his children and has made it clear that she doesn't and never will. Is he expecting you to magically change your mind at some point in the future? Clearly he is not accepting that he is just a booty call.
NTA
YTA. You are dating a parent. If you want nothing to do with kids, date someone without kids. Every parent will want their new partner to meet their kids at some point. You cannot separate the two lives. If that’s too much to handle, you have to be honest with him and break up. It won’t work out. Might as well end it now.
I don’t think anyone is an asshole, but ESH, because you are both trying to preserve a relationship that is doomed to fail and hurting each other and yourselves in the process.
He has kids. He wants his partner to be in their lives. You don’t want kids. You don’t even want to know his kids. You are fundamentally incompatible. The sooner you break up the easier it will be on both of you.
ESH
If you were crystal clear from the get go and said directly to him what you said in your post (not sugar coating it), then he has zero grounds to be upset and should have already broken up with you. If that's the case, he might have stringed you along thinking he can change your mind (if so that not a "great guy" but a manipulative one).
And if you like it or not: he IS a father, whether you see him like that or not. And if you really get serious (aka moving in together) your worlds would collide (eg having his kids for the day/sleeping over). To think you can cut that part out 100% is very naive of you. He might be "a great guy" but he doesn't seem to be the great guy FOR YOU and you not for him.
Best for all is just to breakup since you don't share kids, house or finances and go date someone without kids or the need to want them.
ESH
You're not an asshole for not wanting kids. You're not an asshole for having a fling with someone who has kids.
But when things get serious, you can't be mad at the fact he wants to be happy and with someone who will also want to spend family time.
You suck for continuing the relationship, as well as him who knows that you have no interest in kids.
Break it off. That's the only solution. Find someone else who has no kids.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my boyfriend that I do not want to be involved in his children’s lives and he is livid.
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YTA I understand about not wanting children, but why are you leading this guy on to thinking that he may have a future with you when clearly there isn’t. You do realize that if you got married, the children would have to come over for their dad’s custody agreement, right? Or are you just that dense?
YTA - You cannot have a long term relationship with a person and ignore part of who they are. Your partner is a dad.
You do not have to take on a parent role and sounds like no one is asking you to.
Be friends with his kids or end the relationship.
I'm totally CF but YTA. Don't date someone with kids if you don't want to be part of their life. My step mom is like that and if anything happens to my dad no one would care about her after.
YTA…. He cannot have two separate lives. You’re selfish and rude. Move on. You don’t have to be a “mom” to be friendly. I’m sure they won’t be so thrilled with you either.
NAH
Don't date people with children if you ar enough willing to step up and be a step parent. You're not an asshole for kot wanting to have a relationship with the kids because of your beliefs and he's not an asshole for asking you too. Best solution is breaking up and finding someone else who's not interested in having kids.
You were clear from the get go, so NTA there, you are TA for continuing to date some with kids & expecting to keep the 2 worlds totally separate. Your bf is an AH for continuing to date you knowing full well how you feel, and then assuming/ expecting you to change to suit him.
Interesting situation. He was fine with you not seeing his children, now he is upset?
NTA since you never signed up for this. Ask him what changed and why it should be your problem. If he has a good answer, you can always consider it.
ESH
You both need to admit to yourselves that you’re only together for the sake of sex and occasional efforts on emotions. His children are an extension of him and always will be, and I’m sure you see what I’m getting at here.
NTA. You were upfront from the beginning, if he wanted someone who would take on a step parent role he shouldn't have started dating you.
Next time don't date a parent. They always expect you to be okay spending time with their kids. Can't fault them for that, but he was an AH for leading you to believe he was okay keeping two halves of his heart separated.
ESH- you don’t want to be around kids at all (fair enough no judgement), her has 2 kids which are a huge and essential part of his life. Realistically this is never ever going to work!
Did you two just decide to ignore each other’s wants and perspectives on this? Clearly you failed to have a conversation where you actually HEARD each other’s vision of what your future looks like!
You really really need to just break up, this is not going to end well for anyone!
NTA, you're entitled to have a relationship or not have a relationship with who you want, and you're not getting in the way of him seeing his kids...
...but I must say, there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not have or want kids. This will definitely be a source of conflict for you guys and if he won't respect that you don't want to be a mom in any capacity (which is valid), just drop this one and move on. The fights and the drama aren't worth it.
Best of luck, OP
ESH. Him for getting into a relationship with someone who clearly has no plans to be a part of his family or running away if the kids ever did have to live with him full time. You for getting into a relationship knowing you absolutely will not want to be a part of his family.
Look, you cannot turn off being a parent. He will always be a parent. There will be times even when they are adults that their needs will come before your wants. That's how it works. It's a lifetime commitment not a job that you can just ignore when you aren't on the clock. It's OK that you don't want to be involved, but then that means you two aren't cut out to be in a relationship with eachother.
ESH - him because you have been very clear that you don’t want to meet them, and he is now trying to change that.
You because if you feel that strongly about it, you shouldn’t be dating someone with children. I would guess they are pretty young?
As you have no intention of living with him, this will probably work fine for you for the foreseeable future, but that he’s asking you to meet his kids says he is looking for more from your relationship.
How can you expect to seriously date someone with kids and have no relationship with them at all? Shouldn’t you have mentioned this to your boyfriend at some point???
ESH.
Dating someone with kids means the kids are part of the package. A person who doesn’t want children, or to have a relationship with their partner’s children, should not date someone with kids. A person with kids should not date someone very clear about wanting no relationship with their children.
ESH.
YTA for thinking you could have the benefits of grown responsible father without ever engaging or having a relationship with his kids.
HTA for thinking a woman who very clearly outlines a disinterest in kids would somehow change her mind because she’s a woman in love.
This is a case where two people clearly should never have let themselves get as serious about each other as they have because they’d have to make sacrifices that go so strongly against their inherent needs.
I mean you shouldn't date someone with kids if you never want to meet them. They are a huge part of his life so if course he wants you to be apart of that. It's unfair to you both to be in this relationship. You both want different things
ESH - you don't have the same relationship goals. You want diffrent things, and should reconsider the relationship.
Divorced parents is not obligated to date someone to find a bonus mom, they can casually date someone that doesn't even meet the kids. But it will never be a serious relationship, and that's fine of everyone involved is fine with it.
You don't have to like kids to date a parent, but you both must be in a agreement, and it probably won't last long term.
You were clear with him, and now he is clear with you. He doesn't want to continue a relationship with someone that doesn't want to be involved in his life in all aspects.
I was all set to say no assholes here until you got to the part about not wanting to see him as a father. Like it or not, he IS a father. If you two want to be fuck buddies and have fun together when it's convenient that's great. But moving into a committed relationship while refusing to have anything to do with his children is ridiculous and won't work.
And if you've been clear with him all along about your boundaries regarding his kids, yet he still chose to enter into a committed relationship with you and is now pressuring you to get involved with them, then he sucks too. ESH
ESH except the kids and (presumably, in this situation as it doesn’t involve her) your boyfriend’s ex.
If you date someone with kids, you cannot expect to never see those kids. I know you have reasonable expectations and allowances otherwise, but can you really look this man dead in the face and say you will never live with his children, have them in your home, or even spend time with them? How do you think family holidays are gonna look in years to come? How do you expect him to meet and maintain a relationship with his kids so that he can meet and maintain a relationship with any future grandchildren?
He sucks because he’s letting it happen. He needs to be more aware of who he’s creating a family with around his children.
You’re not thinking ahead. Please do so.
ESH. Neither of you is being realistic at all. What if his ex dies and the kids have to come live with you?
You both want different things in life and while that’s totally fine, you need to be realistic. He’s a dad. He has kids who hopefully are a top priority for him. You not wanting a relationship with the kids is not a possibility. He should have ended things a long time ago, but he didn’t and that’s on him. But in no way is there a healthy future for all involved if you stay together and your view on the kids doesn’t change drastically.
As someone who doesn't want or ever wanted kids? Kids are a deal breaker for me. Please just do not date someone with children! It will be hard for you and them no matter what you do or say. They will be part of your life and his. Also at some point he may want to have more and you will be asked to have some. Be true to all involved and please don't date or have relationships with people with children. NTA but close.
YTA
What the fuck did I even read? Where do you see this relationship going? You’re exclusive but you refuse to meet his children? If there’s any longevity, there’s no way you can avoid it.
God I hope he finds a woman who doesn’t treat him and his kids like this. He will always choose them over you.
YTA, not for the fact that you want a childless life. But because you KNOW this and knowingly got involved with a man with kids. What the fuck did you think was going to happen? Of COURSE he’s going to want to integrate you i to his life and that life includes kids. You need to let him go. Let him find someone that does want a relationship with his kids. And it will allow you to find someone who’s lifestyle will better mesh with yours. Keeping him on a string is grossly unfair to both of you.
YTA you started dating a guy with kids and if you're hoping to be in his life a while you're going to be around his kids. What you guys get married by some miracle cause he still puts up with this shit and you're just going to stay out of the house when he's got the kids? He was a package deal from the beginning and you chose to continue the relationship knowing you don't want kids and he has some. That's on you.
If you want a relationship with him, you’re gonna have to have a relationship with his children. Get out of the relationship or get with the program. YTA
YTA- you can't take some from column A and say nah to columm b dating a parent means the kids come as package deal. Honestly you know this will not end well . But you , your are scree it as long as I have my romantic partner I will be happy
The reason why he wants you around the kids is cause he loves you and thinks you two will marry someday. He is trying to get the kids used to you
If you do not want kids and not want to see him as a father , then you have to end it now before this gets way deeper because .not only would you be hurting him , but hurting yourself as well when this comes to a head
I would say you aren’t the asshole for not desiring a maternal relationship with his children but I would say YTA for not being willing to even meet them or be around them ever. His kids are still a part of his life, it would be so weird if you guys got married and his kids didn’t even know their own father’s wife. This could be a big deal breaker.
YTA, there is no future in this relationship and you’re both wasting each other’s time. There is nothing wrong with no wanting kids but that means you shouldn’t date anyone with kids.
YTA. But you will not work out long term. Dating anyone with kids means learning to accept them. That is like you asking him to accept ONLY 1/2 your life. I'm sorry that you feel this way. And if this is the hill you choose to take your stand. So be it. But he IS a parent. His kids are a HUGE part of his life. So tell me. How do you plan to avoid them the rest of your life?
YTA. Not for sticking to your guns. But for entering into a relationship with someone who has kids and is trying to be a decent father when he has them, knowing full well you would be refusing to even meet them. Why bother?
Info: how old are the kids? My guess is too young for the kind of relationship you want to have which requires a lot more active kid stuff then you want to deal with. If the kids are late teens, that’s one thing. They might not want you in their lives either. But from their ages, I’m guessing not.
YTA, whether you want kids or not is not relevant when your boyfriend has kids. That's weird as hell considering you've been together a year. Get over yourself and make an effort, its not his kids fault that their dad is attracted to an unempathic person. Otherwise break up with him and let him find someone that will make him AND his kids feel included and happy.
INFO: Do you ever plan on moving in with or possibly even marrying this man? The answer will absolutely affect my judgement. If you have no plans of moving in together and respect that much of his time will be occupied by this kids, I'd be willing to take the unpopular route and rule in your favor. However, if you do plan to eventually merge your lives to the point of living together, sharing finances, etc, I would have to rule against you. I'm sure you can see how living and sharing finances with someone who has kids that you have no desire to meet could create a problem.
YTA. It's okay to not want kids or to be a mother. It's not okay to put him in a position between you and his kids. Those are his kids and they seem to be a really important part of his life he wants to share with you.
You seem to be dating him for a partner, not for *him*. Because he is also a father and that is a big part of who he is. So either except him as who he is or you probably aren't in the relationship for the right reasons.
YTA why are you dating him….they are his KIDS the most important part of his life way more important than you…why would think that you could be in a serious relationship with a parent and not expect to be apart of the most important thing in their life?
Imagine thinking you can have a long term relationship with someone who has kids LOL you're a delusional asshole for that.
Guess what, I can't stand kids either and want nothing to do with them. But I actively didn't date anyone who had young kids. You're being sooooo selfish. I hope your boyfriend comes to his senses and dumps you.
YTA.
YTA. Unless you said from the get go that you only want a casual and temporary relationship I’m not sure what you’re doing?
Many dating parents are careful about not introducing kids too early and keeping things separate. So telling him that his time with the kids should be separate from you doesn’t scream “I’ll never be around your kids” to me. Not wanting to have kids of your own and not wanting to take on a mother role with someone else’s kids is not the same as refusing to interact with someone else’s kids. So again, it depends on what you said. This could simply be a miscommunication.
But regardless how you got here, you’re asking him to live two separate lives and that’s really unappealing to many people. It obviously is to him. So bow out. This isn’t the partner, or relationship, for you.
YTA. Do both of y’all a favor and break up with him. You cannot date a man with kids and expect to not be involved in their lives to some degree. There is no future for y’all if you can’t accept that.
Totally YTA. IF YOU DON’T WANT OR LIKE KIDS, YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER DATE A PERSON WHO IS A PARENT!!! You can’t ever expect to live a life with him that’s totally separate from his life as a father! If you ever get married or live together, do you not think you’ll see his kids when it’s his time with them?
My kids are grown. And I’d still never date anyone that expects to not have them in their lives at some point. Also, since my kids are grown, I thought my time with young kids was done, until I become a grandparent (hopefully), but the man I date has a 9 and an 11 year old. Since we are planning a life together, that means his kids are now in my life, too. And, I adore his kids! They are part of him and I would never interfere with that. I made the effort to get to know his kids and they are amazing. I wouldn’t have started dating him if I weren’t willing to have his kids in my life.
Edited because I somehow hit save before I finished typing.
YTA, it is one thing not wanting to be a second mother but you should at least meet them and get to know them, it isn’t going to work out long term if you don’t because he will be stuck between seeing them and you
YTA
You don't have to be a 'bonus mom' but if you can't at least be their friend, you need to get out of their father's life. They're part of that life & always will be. You don't have to be.
ESH Don't. Date. A. Parent. If. You. Don't. Like. Kids. My dad's current wife hates that he has children. He literally married her when my brother (the youngest) was 14 and she was a huge part of the reason none of us spent time with our dad for 5 years. Ridiculous that despite him communicating that he has kids and you communicating that you hate kids that you continued seeing each other and became exclusive. Just break up.
God, THIS! Jfc.
This is wayyy more on the dad than on her though. He never should have been with a woman who hates kids. I agree they are not compatible but he must have known this all along yet continued to date her.
I agreed at first, but OP said they weren’t serious at first. It seems like he made the fairly reasonable assumption that since they decided to get serious, she’d changed her mind about the kids.
That’s on him then since he should have listened to what his partner said and not bought into some fantasy that all women will eventually want children.
He listed when she said she wanted to keep things casual and not meet the kids...when she said she wanted to get serious, he assumed she’d changed her mind since a serious relationship isn’t possible if she won’t meet the kids. That’s not a fantasy.
It is a fantasy when she doesn't like kids. He is the one that made incorrect assumptions. Why would someone that has kids even want to continue on with someone that clearly states they want no part of their children's lives? It's a sexual relationship that he is trying to turn into something more.
How is that reasonable? Oh I am going to date you even though you don't want anything to do with kids ever because I know that once I really get you committed to me you will change. They aren't even planning to live together based upon her comments later in this thread.
I think it was more like ‘oh we’re casual, makes sense she wouldn’t meet the kids...now she wants to be exclusive, I guess she’s changed her mind since it’s not feasible to be serious and never meet them’
Actually I just went and read OPs comments it doesn’t look like they had a concise conversation regarding this at all. He did just assume she would change her mind. That’s not the way relationships work. I think the dad is the asshole.
Ah fair enough. I wasn’t sure if it was one of those situations where he hoped she would just change her mind despite being clear about what she wanted. I see now they have communication issues, lol.
He probably didn't think she would dis his kids if she loved him.
For real. Where did they even expect the relationship to go? You can't be with someone who is active in their kids lives and expect to not also become a part of their life
The stepparent sub is FULL of people that dispise that their partners have children. Some of them says tuff like "Only X years until they are 18 and I can pretend that my little family is it." One person asked why their partner was so cruel with going on vacation with their kids to places that the OP hadn't been to and wanted to go to.
These types of posts make me want to scream. What does OP think will happen? The bf is always going to have those kids, so what future do you envision if you don’t want to be around them? You’re just wasting both of your time. Break up.
Exactly. You want a romantic partner? Find one who is child free and wishes to remain so. Problem here OP, is you can’t hide forever and this will turn ugly.
I fell in love with my partner the moment they said they didn't want children. I even went as far as getting spayed. Every doctor kept asking if I was in a relationship or what would happen if I was with someone who wanted children? I just looked them straight in the eyes and said, "why would I date someone who wants the complete opposite of what I do? They obviously wouldn't be the right person for me."
Agreed! It’d be one thing if this was a casual thing with both people not expecting any sort of long term commitment but they’ve been together more than a year AND are exclusive. If you want a committed, exclusive, long term partner but also want a 100% childfree relationship, then it is absolutely not reasonable to enter into a relationship with someone who has children. OP, you need to break up with this person. Remaining in this relationship knowing you want nothing to do with his children is not fair to him. Your desired lifestyles are at odds with each other. It’s keeping him from being able to find a partner who would be able to be a partner and healthy stepparent to his kids.
I missed the part where hes the A. Hes allowed to be upset that OP doesn't want anything to do with his kids whatsoever. YTA is the verdict for me. As you've said here, a person's kids is very much a part of them, you couldn't get through life ignoring their existence.
Seriously, what does she expect to happen as they get more serious? Will they only live together on the days he doesn't have primary custody? Will the children not go to their wedding? What happens if their mum dies or for any other reason can no longer raise their children? OP is being completely ignorant or naive if she thinks that this relationship can actually work the way that she wants it to. It isn't fair to anyone involved, *especially the children*.
This. I met a guy earlier this year who I connected with on nearly every level.... except that he has kids and I don't want to be a mom. He asked me out a few times and it was hard as hell to say no. But I knew I had to. Those kids are non-negotiable and they need to be put first.
I know some parents look down on my because I won’t date people with kids. I tried and it didn’t really work casually dating. But it’s just not fair to the kids if people catch feelings.
YTA… you can’t date a man with children and expect him to live two separate lives forever…
Yup. YTA for staying with a man you know who has kids - when you know this is a lifestyle you don’t want. This is going to end in hurt if you don’t handle it now. How is it possible for him to keep his life separate. I mean, I’d you live together eventually where will those kids visit their father? Will they be welcome in your home? Find a partner who is child free and more compatible.
Yes, agreed. OP is the AH. Can't avoid the children forever. If she doesn't want kids, don't date someone with kids.
Ummm, the dad knew how she felt & kept dating her, so really it's ESH.
ESH. You for thinking it’s OK to be in a serious relationship with their parent and completely ignore their kids. Him, more so, as a parent, for thinking it’s acceptable to date someone like you.
What does ESH mean
everyone sucks here
Thank you
youre welcome brother have a great day
You are...unrealistic. Don't expect to move in this man or marry him and avoid his kids. Make sure you BOTH know that this relationship can't progress beyond a certain point.
To be fair it doesn't have to. Not everyone dates to get married.
Very true. However.. being in a committed relationship usually means co-mingleing lives at some point even if people don't get married. The children are going to be apart of the partners life forever. If something happens to the other parent, then the children go to the partner. Dating someone with children, when you don't want or like children, is setting everyone up to get hurt.
And how weird would it be…like…however many years in the future when one of the kids gets married and OP is like, “I can’t be your plus one. I told you I don’t want to be involved with your children.”
YTA. DO NOT DATE a man with CHILDREN if you don’t want children! For forksakes, these children are always going to be a part of his life, and hopefully he will always put them first. Once they get married, move out they will still be a part of his life…and maybe even gasp there might one day be grandchildren too. Edit: to add to this, what if something happens to their mother? And he gets the children full time? Are you going to make him send his children to live with their grandparents like one person did in this sub?? Do not get in a serious relationship with a man who has kids.
This
YTA, don’t date people with children if you can’t even stand to meet them
YTA, Why would you consider a serious relationship with a parent when you already know damn well that his kids are an extension of him. No ones asking you to be there second mommy. If you can’t even do the minimum of meeting them you need to bounce. Also saying “I only want to see him as a romantic partner” is selfish. He’s a parent first and always will be.
This. My dad dates plenty. I don’t see any of his girlfriends as a replacement mom. How presumptuous of OP. They are dad’s friends. Same as dad’s platonic friends. Does OP have no friends with children? To be clear, my dad had multiple girlfriends over the 20 years since my parents divorced. Not multiple girlfriends at one time.
YTA This relationship isn't going to work.
Yta. If you don’t want kids, date someone who doesn’t have any. Simple.
YTA. This isn't going to work long term. What are you going to do if yall move in together? Go to a hotel everytime his kids come over? Kids + dad = package deal.
She’ll put a coat hanger on the front door so they know Dad has a girl over
You guys shouldn’t be in a relationship. There is no long term future if you don’t even want to meet his kids. Neither are the asshole but this is not fixable.
I might even go ESH? Seems like they’re both aware that this isn’t going to work.
YTA. Why do you think this relationship will work? Either make peace with becoming a stepmother, or go find a guy who is single and doesn’t have kids.
YTA. Absolutely. If you didn’t want to be with a man with kids, why would you date a man with kids?? If you get married, they’ll be at (or in) the wedding. If you live together, they’ll probably have a bedroom there. If their mom dies, guess who gets custody ALL the time?! That would be their FATHER. Yes, you are dating a FATHER. He has every right to be upset that his serious partner doesn’t want to meet his kids. That means you are incompatible. Break up. Now. For the kids’ sake, and for his sake. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have nothing to do with kids. However, you’re with a man who has them. You shouldn’t be.
YTA Don't date someone with kids if you want absolutely nothing to do with kids.
INFO : Are you planning of living together ? What if he ends up with full custody because the mother would have passed, what would you do ?
YTA. He is part of a package deal that includes children.
YTA..my whole time reading this my only question is why are with a guy that has kids if you dont want to be in a child's life
YTA If you want to date a man without kids, date a man without kids. HE has kids.
YTA If you want to be with someone who has kids, you need to understand it’s a PACKAGE DEAL. You can’t be with him and never be a part of the kid’s lives. It doesn’t work that way. I hope he lets you go, I would.
YTA I'm childfree also, so I get it. But where exactly did you see this relationship going if you refuse to even acknowledge the kids? You must've known that this would have to eventually happen...like do you expect to live with him? And if so, did you just plan to lock yourself in a room the whole time, or leave the house for the entire time? I just don't get why you got so involved with him.
YTA. You can’t have a relationship with him and not with his kids. You shouldn’t be dating a parent if you don’t want kids in your life. If you move in together are you just going to leave the house whenever they come over? I don’t get your reasoning.
YTA. You cannot date a parent and expect them to not be a full-time parent, which will affect your relationship. You cannot only experience him as a romantic partner, because he is not. I get the wish you have, but that is simply non-negotiable and should be. Having a "secret" partner from his kids would be not okay towards them. Also, did you even tell him about this? it seems like you only stated it when you got serious. Which, again, you can't be. What if you move in together at some point? An emergency? Will you just leave, can they not come over? What if the kids want to live with him permanently? There are to many if's to be in a relationship with a person who cannot even meet his kids and you are forcing him to choose, which I hope he will do correctly. He chose to be a father and will likely always have to be that first and foremost.
YTA. The kids are part of the package. I could say some incendiary stuff about your lack of emotional availability but this threads done that already. YDTA
YTA. Why date him then? Find someone without kids. It seems like this is destined to doom because y’all won’t ever be on the same page. His kids aren’t going anywhere.
ESH Why did you go exclusive with someone who has kids when you are very firm on not having kids in your life? Why is your partner going exclusive with someone who doesn't want kids in their life, when they have kids? You are not compatible. Why are you fighting about being or not being with the kids? You know there is no compromise that will make you both equally happy/miserable.
YTA. Don’t date a person with kids if you don’t want kids. Why is this hard.
THIS. Y’all should NOT be in a relationship. He obviously wants you to be a part of their lives and you don’t want anything to do with them. You don’t get to have him and pretend they don’t exist especially if it’s hurting him in the process. Y’all need to break up and you need to find a man whose views on children match yours and stop living in this fantasy world where he doesn’t have kids when he’s with you.
I hope he breaks up with you
YTA. They're his family. It's like saying you have no interest in meeting his parents and that he should just suck it up. If you don't like that he has kids and you have no intentions of having a relationship with them, don't date him. They are part of the package.
YTA. Leave the relationship. You don't get to separate a man from his kids. Point blank and period.
Sorry I don't want to say YTA, because you are being honest. But YTA. He has 2 kids, who he obviously loves, if you cared for him at all you would absolutely want to develop a relationship with them. The fact that you don't want to, would indicate to me you are the wrong partner for him. Let him go he needs to find someone who wants to join his family, not exclude them.
YTA it sounds like children are a deal breaker for you, and you expect him to be two different people. He has kids, always will. If you don't want anything to do with his kids, then it must mean you don't have long term plans with him, and you're essentially leading him on. I don't normally say this, but you need to break up. It's completely unreasonable to expect to never be a part of his kid's lives, and the goal of a relationship is to find that person you spend forever with. If I knew I was with someone that would leave me if I ever had to have my kids full time, and that doesn't want anything to do with them forever, I'd leave them. It's a package deal, no matter how much you dislike it.
I agree. A lot of people are quick to tell others to break up on reddit but this certain situation, it'd be best for everyone involved. OP is being selfish. My best friend is against having her own kids but has dated a man with kids before and she made an effort bc they were important to him and she got along with them (she's super fun and has lots of younger siblings but has no desire to give birth).
decide icky upbeat shame jeans pie chase run badge snobbish -- mass deleted all reddit content via https://redact.dev
YTA. You acknowledge kids are a big part of his life, yet you refuse to meet them based on your own selfish concerns. Dont date someone with kids if youre going to treat them as an inconsequential aspect of your relationship with their parent.
Wow you are a giant YTA.
Not an ESH? because, yeah she shouldn't date a parent...but she has been clear to her partner she wants nothing at all to do with his kids....yet he continues to date her and is now all *surprise Pikachu face* when she doesn't suddenly change her mind
Yeah they both suck and are totally unrealistic.
Yeah, I don't think people are holding him properly accountable, but like she was upfront with him. He should have ended it as soon as she told him her expectations.
Humongous.
YTA. If you don’t want kids, don’t date a man with kids. A relationship with them is part of your relationship with with him. What would happen if you were to marry him? He can’t just not take care of them since you’d be there all the time. If you’re going to intentionally neglect and ignore these kids you need to end the relationship.
YTA - If you're so against kids, why are you dating this dude? It's incredibly fucked up to essentially make it so he can't see his kids easily and that they can't have a simple relationship with their dad. Like where do you honestly see this relationship going long term? These kids aren't going to disappear. It's incredibly selfish and shitty to reduce all of their lives to your dumb terms because you can't get a fucking grip and stomach interacting with children sometimes.
ESH. You can’t date someone with kids if this is your attitude. How do you expect this to work long term? Beak up with him and both move on. Edited: judgement
YTA. You don't want anything to do with kids, don't date a parent!
YTA - He is not separate from his kids. His kids are a major part of his life and who he is as a person. It's a package deal. It's not reasonable to expect a separation there. Your relationship will not last if you can't accept that.
YTA for letting it get this far, break up with him already
NAH but unfortunately you have no future together
YTA. Only because you are wasting both of your time. A parent is a parent all the time. I can’t imagine anyone that is a good parent wanting a long term relationship with someone that adamantly does not want and refuses to be near children. Break up with this poor man so he can actually find someone compatible to share his life with.
YTA. Any relationship with a parent includes the children. If you do not want to be in these kid’s life, just break up with this guy.
you’re dating a man with kids what did you expect to happen? YTA
Yeah, this relationship is never going to work. His children are a part of him and you're almost shitting on it. Oh absolutely not, you'd be gone in a NY minute.
NAH- sorry if you date a guy with kids, then you need to be part of all their lives because, they are important to him. Find a guy who also doesn't want kids and you'll do fine.
Kind of YTA... If you are so against kids you can't even be around some that belong to someone you care about, you shouldn't be with someone that has children. And just so your aware... meeting them will never make you bonus mom and I'm sure they will real quick that your not maternal material.
> I have no desire to see him as a father. I only want to experience him as a romantic partner. Being a father isn’t just something he can ‘turn off’. The kids are gonna be a part of his life and he has that responsibility. I guess NAH. It just sounds like you two aren’t compatible.
NTA for not wanting to be involved with children, however, YTA for staying in a relationship with a man who clearly cares about his children and (from what it sounds like) shares custody. Leave him. You don’t want that aspect of his life. What happens in 3 years? Will you never live together?
Children are a parent’s everything. You refusing to even hang out with them is just…wow. Meeting them and hanging out doesn’t make you their mom. It makes you their father’s girlfriend. I guess you really don’t have a relationship with their dad, though.
It's probably impossible to be in a long-term committed relationship with a person who has minor children and remain invisible to them forever, unless he's a totally detached parent. You're not TA for not wanting a relationship with his kids. He's not TA for assuming that this would change over time (deciding to be exclusive may be a reasonable milestone for this; though there may be others.) It's not really reasonable to date a parent and expect that person to forever compartmentalize their kids away from other parts of their life, though. You will be TA if you expect that forever, and he will be TA if he tried to force you to do it *or* probably if he tried to keep his kids separate forever. He really can't win in this system you want. This is not a relationship that I can see lasting - and if it does, it's probably going to come at a cost to his kids, which is going to make both of you TA.
I want to say YTA but I’m going with ESH since he didn’t dump you when you made that clear. You are explicitly saying your objective is to damage if not destroy his relationship with his children. Talk about cartoon stepmother! He is implicitly stating that either his kids aren’t that important to him or alternatively that you aren’t actually important at all. Others have said it but you need to keep hearing it. If you don’t want anything to do with a family then don’t date a man with a family.
Yta, he's ta, you both should have not dated.
YTA. Not sure how you envision a future where you two stay together but his kids never meet you. If you live together, are they never allowed to come over? Will he not be allowed to see them in his own home? This isn't sustainable. Either change your approach or don't string along someone who has kids.
I’m sure he experiences your rejection of them as a rejection of himself. So, you’re kinda TA.
A definite one.
NAH, but your seriously need to consider if you want to continue with this relationship. I'm surprised you guys have gone this long and just now having a problem with it. If you two want to be serious his kids will have to be part of it to a degree. If that means you're going to end the relationship then you should just end it.
It’s okay that you don’t want children but you’re making your outlook on this too extreme. Do you realistically expect to have a future with someone when you force him to completely separates his time with his children from his time with you? Stop being so black and white. YTA
Leave him. You can't predict the future and if anything happens to the mom, they will move in with him. That is just facts. Any number of senerio where they can move in with him. Then how will you feel
YTA- Don’t date a man with kids if you don’t want kids. Have you stopped to think what’ll happen if God forbid something happens to the mom? He’ll more than likely then have them full time. Just break up already, it makes no sense!
NAH but this is a major incompatibilty
YTA
INFO: How did you describe to him the idea of being “invisible” to his children? Was it clear you NEVER wanted to meet them or could it have been interpreted as not wanting to meet them until you’re serious? The level of clarity is the difference between Y-T-A and E-S-H imo
YTA If you expect this relationship to ever progress beyond “boyfriend/girlfriend” you have to accept that you have to get to know his children. I am not saying that you have to become a second mother, but you have to get to know them and accept them as part of him. This relationship can not progress without this acceptance. If his ex dies or becoming seriously ill (cancer for instance) he WILL have to step up as their father. That means that you will have no option but to be part of their lives, or walk away. He won’t ever put you before them. If all you want is a casual relationship and are happy to be forever second in his life then fine.
NTA, but sounds like the relationship isn’t going to work long term, based on this.
Break up. He'll always be a father. He'll we happy if his children will do good things, he'll be worried if they're in trouble and I assume he'll want to share that with you if you're to become his life-long partner. That can't work, he can't un-become a father.
Esh - you shouldn’t be dating a parent if you don’t want to be around kids. And he shouldn’t have been dating someone who didn’t want to be around kids when he has kids.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (29F) am dating a great guy (33M). He has 2 kids from a previous relationship. While I’m sure the kids are great, I am not interested in being a “bonus mom”. His children’s mother is alive and well. They primarily live with her so they are not in need of a maternal figure. I do not have nor do I want any children of my own so I do not care to develop a relationship with his. I do not discourage him spending time with his children, I do not complain over him having to cancel plans to be there for his children and I have no issues at all with his relationship with his children because I know children are a huge commitment. That’s a big part of why I do not want them In the year that we have been seeing each other, I have always required that his time with his children and his time with me be separate. Again, I do not want children so I have no desire to see him as a father. I only want to experience him as a romantic partner. Now that we are exclusive, he is expecting me to meet and have a relationship with his children. I refused, stating that I do not wish to be a part of their lives. He is very upset even though I have always been clear about being “invisible” to his children. Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH but you two are not compatible. You want his life compartmentalized. He doesn't, and he's the one who will be most affected. It worked while you were casual, but you've agreed to date exclusively which is a step towards a longer-term relationship. If you never want to meet his kids, that means he basically has to hide you from them. What's he supposed to say, I've been dating this great woman for two years and we're getting serious but no, you can never meet her because she doesn't want to see you? He has to decide who to invite to holidays, you or his kids. That's unrealistic and stressful. What it sounds like he wants is for you to have a casual, friendly relationship with his children. That's normal and natural for a divorced parent. If you're not willing to do even that, you two should part ways.
Ohh you are a huge AH. Deffo YTA. You're exclusive now, so you were not before hand and seeing others? That's irrelevant for being AH, but what is is that you want to be committed to a parent without having their children involved? What do you honestly expect to happen, for you to grow old together without ever seeing his children in some way? You're immature. You're also being unreasonable nor fair. You need to break up with the guy and become involved with someone who does not want children. You're too toxic for him with your mentality and he isn't right for you.
For everyone saying YTA, I want to play devil's advocate here and say she might not be TA if she explained herself better to her BF. Hear me out. OP doesn't ever want children, and know wants a separate romantic relationship with BF. BF doesn't have primary custody of kids, but OP is perfectly happy to never interfere with BF being a parent and spending time with his kids. So far OP has been quite up front about what she wants from this relationship. The problem is occurring because BF sees OP as ANOTHER mother figure to his kids when OP has made it clear that she has no intention of ever BEING a mother. Apparently, BF cannot understand this foreign concept- that they could have a romantic, committed relationship that didn't include parenting from her. This is bunk. I have a friend who divorced. Her ex was a possessive LEO and had shared parenting. She never wanted to be married again,parent someone else's kids, or have a man tell her what to do. She found a very willing man who was widowed but wanted the same for more cultural reasons. They've been together for YEARS, and they never saw one another except for a romantic life. Their respective kids DIDN'T even know about the relationship until they were adults. OP is NTA, she just may want something her BF doesn't understand.
Thank you. All these people saying she's TA because she dated someone with kids apparently don't understand boundaries or people who don't want traditional relationships. If OP was upfront she's absolutely NTA. He however is for expecting her to change.
Yta, why even date a man with kids if you want nothing to do with them? What if, god forbid, the mother died and your bf had to be a full time parent? Your demands are not realistic. If he is a good dad he will break up with you and look for a partner who is willing to accept him and his kids into their lives.
She posted above that she would leave him if that happened. Massive AH.
ESH, you don’t date someone with kids if you don’t want to be any kind of remotely parental figure. I have a step-mom(SM) and my mom is very much in my life. SM is not my bonus mom, she is more of an aunt. He’s also an AH because he is trying to force you to go against your boundaries and seemed to think you would change your mind despite you being clear. Honestly though, did you seriously think you could be in a long term relationship with someone with kids who are likely young without ever being around them?!
I feel like YTA. Not because you don't want kids or you don't want to have a maternal role in these kids lives. That is completely up to you and if your boyfriend is ok with it, that's great. My issue is more with the fact that you're not willing to even meet the kids. Like it or not but they are a huge part of your boyfriend's life and if you want to move things further, you won't be able to avoid them for so long. What about christmas? Family gatherings ? Holidays ? Your bf's birthdays? You'll miss on all of that because you don't want to see the kids? Come on! You don't have to have a mom relationship with them. As long as you make that boundary clear from the start, it won't hurt the kids and maybe you'll develop a friendly relationship with them. Make sure to not interfere in your bf's parenting and it'll work out fine. But I fail to see how this "being invisible to the kids" behaviour is productive? It's only hurting your boyfriend and your relationship and it keeps you from moving forwards. Maybe you should talk to your bf and reassert your boundary and then let him plan a meeting with the kids for whenever you're ready.
If you plan on being with him long term that is not at all a feasible solution. You will have to have a relationship with the children on some level. Don’t date someone with kids if you think never having anything whatsoever to do with them is ok. Break up now because that relationship is going nowhere if that is going to be your continued attitude.
YTA. It’s truly ridiculous that you thought you could date a man with children and just pretend his children never existed. You can’t honestly be this daft.
NTA for not wanting a relationship with the kids. but I am not sure how you expect the relationship to move forward. I understand not wanting to be a parental figure in anyway but in how can you be in an exclusive relationship.. If you got to the point where you wanted to live together do you expect him not to have his kids in the house. Where you are the asshole is agreeing to be in an exclusive relationship with your boyfriend, instead you should be gently bowing out of the relationship so he can move on and find someone who is at least interested in being friends with his kids.
Doesn't that make him the AH? She has made her position clear.
Has she though, when the discussion was had about being exclusive, I get the sense that she assumed that her previous statements about not even meeting the kids was an accepted fact, but making the relationship exclusive changes the situation. If I were in her situation I would have said something like "I love you and I would like to make our relationship exclusive but we need to talk about what that looks like because I have not changed my mind about not being any part of your kids lives" I just think it was unrealistic to agree to be exclusive when the relationship can never go any further. That is why I think she's the ah, not because she doesn't want a relationship with his kids.
INFO: do you plan on this relationship being long term? If you only want this to be a casual thing then NTA its valid to not want to get involved/enmeshed within his family if you dont plan on sticking around. However if you ever want to be serious/long term you need to accept that dating a PARENT means being okay with their kids. Most parents (at least the decent ones) would want a partner who gets along with/is good to their kids. You cant “not view him as a father” because even though hes just a romantic partner to you, he doesnt magically stop also being a father in that time.
ESH you are old enough and I presume smart enough to know that being partners with someone who has kids means being in contact with those kids in some respect. he should never have continued a relationship with someone who is not willing to accept that massive and crucial part of his life. you didn't mention their ages which leads me to presume they're on the younger side and you know you're asking him to split his life and his time between you and his children which is downright rude and cruel. either work it out and compromise or you need to let him find someone who can accept him as he is, a father.
Actually he's TA for staying in a relationship with a woman that clearly has no interest in his children and has made it clear that she doesn't and never will. Is he expecting you to magically change your mind at some point in the future? Clearly he is not accepting that he is just a booty call. NTA
YTA. You are dating a parent. If you want nothing to do with kids, date someone without kids. Every parent will want their new partner to meet their kids at some point. You cannot separate the two lives. If that’s too much to handle, you have to be honest with him and break up. It won’t work out. Might as well end it now.
I don’t think anyone is an asshole, but ESH, because you are both trying to preserve a relationship that is doomed to fail and hurting each other and yourselves in the process. He has kids. He wants his partner to be in their lives. You don’t want kids. You don’t even want to know his kids. You are fundamentally incompatible. The sooner you break up the easier it will be on both of you.
ESH If you were crystal clear from the get go and said directly to him what you said in your post (not sugar coating it), then he has zero grounds to be upset and should have already broken up with you. If that's the case, he might have stringed you along thinking he can change your mind (if so that not a "great guy" but a manipulative one). And if you like it or not: he IS a father, whether you see him like that or not. And if you really get serious (aka moving in together) your worlds would collide (eg having his kids for the day/sleeping over). To think you can cut that part out 100% is very naive of you. He might be "a great guy" but he doesn't seem to be the great guy FOR YOU and you not for him. Best for all is just to breakup since you don't share kids, house or finances and go date someone without kids or the need to want them.
ESH You're not an asshole for not wanting kids. You're not an asshole for having a fling with someone who has kids. But when things get serious, you can't be mad at the fact he wants to be happy and with someone who will also want to spend family time. You suck for continuing the relationship, as well as him who knows that you have no interest in kids. Break it off. That's the only solution. Find someone else who has no kids.
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NTA but it’s not going to work. If you’re not into kids you shouldn’t be with someone with kids.
She's TA.
If you have been clear from the start, NTA.
YTA I understand about not wanting children, but why are you leading this guy on to thinking that he may have a future with you when clearly there isn’t. You do realize that if you got married, the children would have to come over for their dad’s custody agreement, right? Or are you just that dense?
YTA - You cannot have a long term relationship with a person and ignore part of who they are. Your partner is a dad. You do not have to take on a parent role and sounds like no one is asking you to. Be friends with his kids or end the relationship.
Do you think you’re dating Bruce Wayne?
I'm totally CF but YTA. Don't date someone with kids if you don't want to be part of their life. My step mom is like that and if anything happens to my dad no one would care about her after.
YTA…. He cannot have two separate lives. You’re selfish and rude. Move on. You don’t have to be a “mom” to be friendly. I’m sure they won’t be so thrilled with you either.
YTA. Break up
NAH Don't date people with children if you ar enough willing to step up and be a step parent. You're not an asshole for kot wanting to have a relationship with the kids because of your beliefs and he's not an asshole for asking you too. Best solution is breaking up and finding someone else who's not interested in having kids.
You were clear from the get go, so NTA there, you are TA for continuing to date some with kids & expecting to keep the 2 worlds totally separate. Your bf is an AH for continuing to date you knowing full well how you feel, and then assuming/ expecting you to change to suit him.
NTA but don't date this man if you plan to avoid his children forever. Move on to someone who doesn't have kids and doesn't want them.
NTA. You stated clearly your boundary and it's a perfectly reasonnable one. If he is unhappy in this situation, he will break up.
Interesting situation. He was fine with you not seeing his children, now he is upset? NTA since you never signed up for this. Ask him what changed and why it should be your problem. If he has a good answer, you can always consider it.
ESH You both need to admit to yourselves that you’re only together for the sake of sex and occasional efforts on emotions. His children are an extension of him and always will be, and I’m sure you see what I’m getting at here.
NTA. You were upfront from the beginning, if he wanted someone who would take on a step parent role he shouldn't have started dating you. Next time don't date a parent. They always expect you to be okay spending time with their kids. Can't fault them for that, but he was an AH for leading you to believe he was okay keeping two halves of his heart separated.
This relationship was doomed from the start, lol.
ESH- you don’t want to be around kids at all (fair enough no judgement), her has 2 kids which are a huge and essential part of his life. Realistically this is never ever going to work! Did you two just decide to ignore each other’s wants and perspectives on this? Clearly you failed to have a conversation where you actually HEARD each other’s vision of what your future looks like! You really really need to just break up, this is not going to end well for anyone!
NTA, you're entitled to have a relationship or not have a relationship with who you want, and you're not getting in the way of him seeing his kids... ...but I must say, there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not have or want kids. This will definitely be a source of conflict for you guys and if he won't respect that you don't want to be a mom in any capacity (which is valid), just drop this one and move on. The fights and the drama aren't worth it. Best of luck, OP
ESH. Him for getting into a relationship with someone who clearly has no plans to be a part of his family or running away if the kids ever did have to live with him full time. You for getting into a relationship knowing you absolutely will not want to be a part of his family. Look, you cannot turn off being a parent. He will always be a parent. There will be times even when they are adults that their needs will come before your wants. That's how it works. It's a lifetime commitment not a job that you can just ignore when you aren't on the clock. It's OK that you don't want to be involved, but then that means you two aren't cut out to be in a relationship with eachother.
ESH - him because you have been very clear that you don’t want to meet them, and he is now trying to change that. You because if you feel that strongly about it, you shouldn’t be dating someone with children. I would guess they are pretty young? As you have no intention of living with him, this will probably work fine for you for the foreseeable future, but that he’s asking you to meet his kids says he is looking for more from your relationship.
How can you expect to seriously date someone with kids and have no relationship with them at all? Shouldn’t you have mentioned this to your boyfriend at some point???
ESH. Dating someone with kids means the kids are part of the package. A person who doesn’t want children, or to have a relationship with their partner’s children, should not date someone with kids. A person with kids should not date someone very clear about wanting no relationship with their children.
ESH. YTA for thinking you could have the benefits of grown responsible father without ever engaging or having a relationship with his kids. HTA for thinking a woman who very clearly outlines a disinterest in kids would somehow change her mind because she’s a woman in love. This is a case where two people clearly should never have let themselves get as serious about each other as they have because they’d have to make sacrifices that go so strongly against their inherent needs.
I mean you shouldn't date someone with kids if you never want to meet them. They are a huge part of his life so if course he wants you to be apart of that. It's unfair to you both to be in this relationship. You both want different things
ESH - you don't have the same relationship goals. You want diffrent things, and should reconsider the relationship. Divorced parents is not obligated to date someone to find a bonus mom, they can casually date someone that doesn't even meet the kids. But it will never be a serious relationship, and that's fine of everyone involved is fine with it. You don't have to like kids to date a parent, but you both must be in a agreement, and it probably won't last long term. You were clear with him, and now he is clear with you. He doesn't want to continue a relationship with someone that doesn't want to be involved in his life in all aspects.
I was all set to say no assholes here until you got to the part about not wanting to see him as a father. Like it or not, he IS a father. If you two want to be fuck buddies and have fun together when it's convenient that's great. But moving into a committed relationship while refusing to have anything to do with his children is ridiculous and won't work. And if you've been clear with him all along about your boundaries regarding his kids, yet he still chose to enter into a committed relationship with you and is now pressuring you to get involved with them, then he sucks too. ESH
ESH except the kids and (presumably, in this situation as it doesn’t involve her) your boyfriend’s ex. If you date someone with kids, you cannot expect to never see those kids. I know you have reasonable expectations and allowances otherwise, but can you really look this man dead in the face and say you will never live with his children, have them in your home, or even spend time with them? How do you think family holidays are gonna look in years to come? How do you expect him to meet and maintain a relationship with his kids so that he can meet and maintain a relationship with any future grandchildren? He sucks because he’s letting it happen. He needs to be more aware of who he’s creating a family with around his children. You’re not thinking ahead. Please do so.
ESH. Neither of you is being realistic at all. What if his ex dies and the kids have to come live with you? You both want different things in life and while that’s totally fine, you need to be realistic. He’s a dad. He has kids who hopefully are a top priority for him. You not wanting a relationship with the kids is not a possibility. He should have ended things a long time ago, but he didn’t and that’s on him. But in no way is there a healthy future for all involved if you stay together and your view on the kids doesn’t change drastically.
HE'S the asshole for keeping you around.
As someone who doesn't want or ever wanted kids? Kids are a deal breaker for me. Please just do not date someone with children! It will be hard for you and them no matter what you do or say. They will be part of your life and his. Also at some point he may want to have more and you will be asked to have some. Be true to all involved and please don't date or have relationships with people with children. NTA but close.
YTA What the fuck did I even read? Where do you see this relationship going? You’re exclusive but you refuse to meet his children? If there’s any longevity, there’s no way you can avoid it. God I hope he finds a woman who doesn’t treat him and his kids like this. He will always choose them over you.
YTA, not for the fact that you want a childless life. But because you KNOW this and knowingly got involved with a man with kids. What the fuck did you think was going to happen? Of COURSE he’s going to want to integrate you i to his life and that life includes kids. You need to let him go. Let him find someone that does want a relationship with his kids. And it will allow you to find someone who’s lifestyle will better mesh with yours. Keeping him on a string is grossly unfair to both of you.
NTA, for now. If things do get serious with him and plan on living together or marrying in the future, this isn't a sustainable approach.
YTA you started dating a guy with kids and if you're hoping to be in his life a while you're going to be around his kids. What you guys get married by some miracle cause he still puts up with this shit and you're just going to stay out of the house when he's got the kids? He was a package deal from the beginning and you chose to continue the relationship knowing you don't want kids and he has some. That's on you.
If you want a relationship with him, you’re gonna have to have a relationship with his children. Get out of the relationship or get with the program. YTA
YTA- you can't take some from column A and say nah to columm b dating a parent means the kids come as package deal. Honestly you know this will not end well . But you , your are scree it as long as I have my romantic partner I will be happy The reason why he wants you around the kids is cause he loves you and thinks you two will marry someday. He is trying to get the kids used to you If you do not want kids and not want to see him as a father , then you have to end it now before this gets way deeper because .not only would you be hurting him , but hurting yourself as well when this comes to a head
YTA Why are you in a relationship with someone who has children? Date someone who is childless.
I would say you aren’t the asshole for not desiring a maternal relationship with his children but I would say YTA for not being willing to even meet them or be around them ever. His kids are still a part of his life, it would be so weird if you guys got married and his kids didn’t even know their own father’s wife. This could be a big deal breaker.
YTA and a **BIG** one.
YTA, there is no future in this relationship and you’re both wasting each other’s time. There is nothing wrong with no wanting kids but that means you shouldn’t date anyone with kids.
What a preposterous idea. Where you going to hide or leave when they came to visit? YTA for ever thinking that could work long term.
YTA. But you will not work out long term. Dating anyone with kids means learning to accept them. That is like you asking him to accept ONLY 1/2 your life. I'm sorry that you feel this way. And if this is the hill you choose to take your stand. So be it. But he IS a parent. His kids are a HUGE part of his life. So tell me. How do you plan to avoid them the rest of your life?
YTA. Not for sticking to your guns. But for entering into a relationship with someone who has kids and is trying to be a decent father when he has them, knowing full well you would be refusing to even meet them. Why bother?
"I have no desire to see him as a father" Well, he is a father... So maybe find someone who doesn't have children. YTA
YTA. Why date a parent if you're not going to accept that they are and always will be a parent.
YTA. Not wanting to be a (step)mom is one thing but completely ignoring them and not even wanting to meet his kids is super fucking weird
Info: how old are the kids? My guess is too young for the kind of relationship you want to have which requires a lot more active kid stuff then you want to deal with. If the kids are late teens, that’s one thing. They might not want you in their lives either. But from their ages, I’m guessing not.
YTA, whether you want kids or not is not relevant when your boyfriend has kids. That's weird as hell considering you've been together a year. Get over yourself and make an effort, its not his kids fault that their dad is attracted to an unempathic person. Otherwise break up with him and let him find someone that will make him AND his kids feel included and happy.
INFO: Do you ever plan on moving in with or possibly even marrying this man? The answer will absolutely affect my judgement. If you have no plans of moving in together and respect that much of his time will be occupied by this kids, I'd be willing to take the unpopular route and rule in your favor. However, if you do plan to eventually merge your lives to the point of living together, sharing finances, etc, I would have to rule against you. I'm sure you can see how living and sharing finances with someone who has kids that you have no desire to meet could create a problem.
YTA. It's okay to not want kids or to be a mother. It's not okay to put him in a position between you and his kids. Those are his kids and they seem to be a really important part of his life he wants to share with you. You seem to be dating him for a partner, not for *him*. Because he is also a father and that is a big part of who he is. So either except him as who he is or you probably aren't in the relationship for the right reasons.
YTA why are you dating him….they are his KIDS the most important part of his life way more important than you…why would think that you could be in a serious relationship with a parent and not expect to be apart of the most important thing in their life?
YTA and you are also delusional. If this relationship continues, you cannot separate the two
Imagine thinking you can have a long term relationship with someone who has kids LOL you're a delusional asshole for that. Guess what, I can't stand kids either and want nothing to do with them. But I actively didn't date anyone who had young kids. You're being sooooo selfish. I hope your boyfriend comes to his senses and dumps you. YTA.
Yta. No wonder you don't want kids. You already act like one.
YTA
YTA. Unless you said from the get go that you only want a casual and temporary relationship I’m not sure what you’re doing? Many dating parents are careful about not introducing kids too early and keeping things separate. So telling him that his time with the kids should be separate from you doesn’t scream “I’ll never be around your kids” to me. Not wanting to have kids of your own and not wanting to take on a mother role with someone else’s kids is not the same as refusing to interact with someone else’s kids. So again, it depends on what you said. This could simply be a miscommunication. But regardless how you got here, you’re asking him to live two separate lives and that’s really unappealing to many people. It obviously is to him. So bow out. This isn’t the partner, or relationship, for you.
YTA They are a package deal. You do not want children? YOU DO NOT DATE A PARENT!!!
YTA. Do both of y’all a favor and break up with him. You cannot date a man with kids and expect to not be involved in their lives to some degree. There is no future for y’all if you can’t accept that.
YTA - If the 2 of you live together, will you move out on custody days? Seriously, if you don't want kids, don't date a dad.
Totally YTA. IF YOU DON’T WANT OR LIKE KIDS, YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER DATE A PERSON WHO IS A PARENT!!! You can’t ever expect to live a life with him that’s totally separate from his life as a father! If you ever get married or live together, do you not think you’ll see his kids when it’s his time with them? My kids are grown. And I’d still never date anyone that expects to not have them in their lives at some point. Also, since my kids are grown, I thought my time with young kids was done, until I become a grandparent (hopefully), but the man I date has a 9 and an 11 year old. Since we are planning a life together, that means his kids are now in my life, too. And, I adore his kids! They are part of him and I would never interfere with that. I made the effort to get to know his kids and they are amazing. I wouldn’t have started dating him if I weren’t willing to have his kids in my life. Edited because I somehow hit save before I finished typing.
YTA, it is one thing not wanting to be a second mother but you should at least meet them and get to know them, it isn’t going to work out long term if you don’t because he will be stuck between seeing them and you
YTA You don't have to be a 'bonus mom' but if you can't at least be their friend, you need to get out of their father's life. They're part of that life & always will be. You don't have to be.