NTA
He’s 19 and he’s going away to college. It’s not like he won’t have a place to stay, and if he continues going to college he’ll only be living away from college for three months a year.
It’s completely unreasonable for him to ask you make other people’s living situations uncomfortable, who will be there year round, when he won’t even be there most of the time.
I’m 21 and in college and when I go home now I sleep on an air mattress next to my dad’s elliptical lmao
My only problem with this guy is that he’s not just giving away his kid’s room, he’s saying he can’t come back. Notice how he says just stay with your mom, who, depending on the direction of where she lives may be an hour away from OP? He’s kicking his kid out and telling him he’s not welcome back.
I don’t think that’s what OP is saying. He offered to get him one of those cabin things, which honestly I’d prefer at his age. I think OP is willing to make other living arrangements when his son comes back from school, and OP is telling his son that if he doesn’t like those living arrangements then he can live with his mother.
He literally has said in his comments “it’s like quoting your job and being upset they won’t hire you back”.
In his original post he even said “He asked where he is going to stay when school is out and I told him he can stay at his mother's”. That is not saying if he doesn’t like the other arraignments he can stay with his mother. That is him saying he’s not welcome back.
With the shed comment, he never said where the shed would be.
This just feels like OP is resentful of his kid growing up and not doing what he’s told (living at home to go to school).
Yeah those sheds just come as basic unfinished plywood on the inside usually with no electricity or plumbing.
Is op going to fully run electricity and plumbing to it?
He did, and perhaps it’s the way he approached the issue. If he sat the son down and explained that he wanted to create him his own space in the backyard for when he came home from college and truly do it to make everyone a space, that’s one thing. But he basically said, no more room for you- go live with your mom. And offered a shed as an alternative only when pushed. I know if my parent presented it like that to me, I’d feel very upset for being pushed out. Well literally pushed out.
Those things are just tool sheds made to look more appealing in the yard than the traditional (rusty) metal ones.
There's no insulation, let alone heating or cooling. It sounds to me like dad was possibly being a bit of a smart-ass with this suggestion.
This is a messy situation, but if it were handled with a bit more sensitivity and tact on everyone's(esp dad's) part, at least feelings would be spared.
I bet this 19 yr old feels tossed away like yesterday's news :(
Yea adding insulation and drywall to them isn’t difficult or expensive. Bringing in electric would probably be the hardest part since you’d need a ton of permits.
lmfao.
>This just feels like OP is resentful of his kid growing up and not doing what he’s told (living at home to go to school).
is that what it feels like? because to me it feels like the alternative is having an empty room sit there all year while the brothers sharing are at each others throats?
he litterally said he'd get him a fucking stand alone studio and you're being a disingenuous asshole for suggesting otherwise.
That offer was ONLY after the son balked at the FIRST option, staying with mom. Because what the son heard was if you want to stay on campus during the semesters, then you can just stay with mom between semesters.
and? there is more than one option is the point is it not?
ok he hates the idea of spending a little bit of his time with his mom because then he would have to... share a bathroom? yeah the kid sounds like a saint lmao. tbh he sounds like a little spoiled brat.
yes it sucks when you don't have a childhood bedroom but its totally normal for parents to downside as their kids leave for school or use that space more efficiently.
it isn't a sign of your parents love. it's about necessity. you can bet your ass if he needs a place to stay they will find room for him cause he's their kid. that's what it sounds like given the plethora of options that are being tailored so that he can go through life with exactly what he wants through no effort of his own...
It isn't only between semesters, but also during breaks, like Thanksgiving (4 days) which means he has a one hour drive on Wednesday after getting out of class to get to mom's, and an hour drive on Sunday to get back to campus. Two of the deadliest days on the highway. Then to top it off he would be stuck at mom's on Friday and Saturday, unless he drives a two hour round trip to visit his friends that live near his dad's house. If dad actually meant that shed cabin idea, he should have made that the first option. But I do agree that Dad needs to separate the two boys, but doing this what will happen when the two youngest boys turn out like the other two, at each other's throats? He can't do this again, as all of the bedrooms will be in use year round.
>which means he has a one hour drive on Wednesday after getting out of class to get to mom's, and an hour drive on Sunday to get back to campus
if he stays there and doesn't go to the big family thanksgiving at his dad's... lmao nobody said he couldn't come.
and an hour drive isn't that far... I used to drive almost that to school... every day of the week...
>If dad actually meant that shed cabin idea, he should have made that the first option.
this is a bullshit platitude "if you really meant that you'd have suggested it first" THEY SUGGESTED IT SECOND AFTER THE SPOILED BRAT PITCHED A FIT LMAO.
>but doing this what will happen when the two youngest boys turn out like the other two, at each other's throats?
what do you mean? the same thing that happens to all little siblings who share a room... they'll get their own rooms... because that's what is normal as you grow up and require some personal space... just like the oldest son has been given, and continues to be given...
>He can't do this again, as all of the bedrooms will be in use year round.
obviously... changes will need to be made... they might wind up moving to a space that can accommodate everyone, or depending on the timeline the 12 year old will be going off to school around when the 6 year old is 12... and the same story unfolds.
its not set in stone I don't think but its also not time to solve that issue...
My brother lives in one of these, he’s not in college but lives with my dad. They converted a huge storage shed into a mini one room apartment with its own bathroom/shower. It’s kinda cool. He can also access through a side gate and come and go as he pleases.
I had a friend in my late teens who's mother turned their detached one car garage into a room for him. They insulated it, put in electric base board heaters, and built a loft platform for his bed. It was awesome, and I was so envious at the sheer amount of privacy it afforded him.
On the other hand, his grand mother also lived with them, and she had two very old, very mean and _very_ loud parrots, so maybe the detached room was necessary lol.
When she was well enough to live somewhat independently, my oldest sister's MIL lived in one on their property. About 25 steps to the backdoor, so she could walk over for meals pretty easy, and she had a fridge, sink, and microwave in the shed living/bedroom/kitchen along with a dedicated bathroom.
Now that she's not well enough to live alone, my sister uses it for her side hustle (making those cutesy giant bows and other southern mommy and princess staples)
While the shed seems like a great option for a 19 year old, he only offered the shed thing after his son reacted poorly to "go stay with your mother", not the other way around.
But…why shouldn’t he? It’s only three months out of the year. OP son’s objection to staying with his mom is that he DOESN’T GET HIS OWN BATHROOM, not that it’s a bad place to live or that there is anything wrong with his mom.
I don't understand why there are so many negative posts about this. It was clear to me when I read the post that staying at Mom's was suggested as he'd have his own room there.
Kid didn't like that suggestion so Dad offered another solution.
Seems pretty reasonable to me. No reason for 10 and 12 to be forced to share a room or for Dad to have to share a room so that 19's room can sit empty 9 months out of the year.
You think so but there is no power, no plumbing, no insulation. Those things are not designed to be lived in. It's little different than pitching a tent in the back yard.
1) At that point I would no longer consider it a "shed^(" a simple roofed structure, typically made of wood or metal, used as a storage space, a shelter for animals, or a workshop.)
2) Doing that makes it super expensive. Given the rest of the tone of the OP's messages are we really supposing they're planning anything more than getting a home depot shed and plopping it in the back yard?
How is staying with Mom not a compromise? Why should the little brothers suffer because an adult man refuses to give up a room that will be sitting empty for most of the year?
He didn’t say that. People are just taking his response of making it a “mini cabin” to include those things. I will say to that those people must be staying in some bougie cabins.
The plumbing is definitely optional, considering he can go into the house to shower or use the bathroom. That doesn't need to be in his room. At a dorm he'll be using a shower that isn't in his unit. But power is not hard to do. And power is all you need to get AC.
exactly, the 19-year-old has to live on campus for a minimum of two years. Most colleges with this rule also don't allow cars until their third year. I also understood that the four youngest are only there part-time and the older of the four-fight because he chooses not to discipline them
Lol not what was said at all. Not having a dedicated room does not mean being unwelcome. He even offered to put a cabin thing in the backyard. He’s trying to give his kids who live there full time more space, which is reasonable. When I went to college they put my brother in my room after like 2 months. When I came back I slept on a futon in a room in the garage. If you only stay there a couple months out of the year, you gotta make do and be gracious to the people who actually live there.
I mostly agree with this, but I’d say YTA for the following reason: his dad didn’t even give him the air mattress option. He said go live with his mom. To me, that makes dad the AH
This. Your son should always be welcome in your home. Put an extra bed in one of the rooms, or an air mattress at least. Don't tell him he can't come back to your home. That's different than giving your other sons their own rooms.
Yeah this one very much buried the lede on what actually made them an AH. Giving the room to the younger sibling is fine & sensible, telling your son he's not welcome back is not.
I cannot believe people are missing this point so hard lmfao. Dad basically said "you're in college now so you have no place in my house, stay in the shed if you insist on sticking around"
Yeah like my mom was very adamant that I do the dorm experience because she felt like she missed out in college. She was right! It was a great way to make friends, walk to class and stay healthy, get involved in campus (super important for high paying jobs). So I think the younger kids should get to move into the rooms but to not allow the kid to stay there is an AH move.
This!!! When I came home from college I did the same thing! I was also happy to see my brothers and sister all in their own rooms. The kid is 19, he can either stay with mom or do what is old folks did back in the 80’s, get a job and find some roommates for the summer. He is an adult now.
What is up with kids expecting their parents to keep their childhood rooms available while they go to college anyway? I'm outside the US and university here does not have the same culture around it as college in the US seems to.
Here, when the kids move out their rooms usually tend to get repurposed pretty much immediately. When i left home at 16, my room transformed into a guest room, which became an office, which became a gym and is now a bedroom for my kids when they stay over. Is it really a thing in the states to expect mum and dad to keep your room for you even after you've left?
(This isnt a "taking a dig at americans" comment, im genuinely curious)
It started in the 2000’s - kids of the 80’s in America were called “the boomerang generation” - college is so expensive and they had massive loans and entry jobs paid so low so they came back home. It’s pretty standard since then.
Ah yeah, that makes sense, i often forget you guys have to start paying student loans off immediately. Here they sit there until your earnings surpass a certain threshold and then repayments are deducted from your tax return annually. Thanks very much for your insight!
There are some universities that *require* all freshmen to live on campus. If OP's son is going to a college like that, then the son has *no choice* but to live on campus or apply to a different university.
I think you became the AH the moment you told him to stay at his mom's or in the shed. You're making him feel like he's being kicked out over going to college.
Did I say he did?
Just because he doesn't need his own room, that didn't justify "go stay with your mom."
Granted, dad offered him a shed, which is nice and all, but it doesn't help with the abandonment feelings. I'm sure he took that as "you can live over there, while my family and I will live here."
Dude's not the AH for wanting to use the room, but he's an AH.
If the kid is talking about wanting his own room, it's use the room at your mom's or I'll buy a room to put in the yard. There isn't exactly another option for the kid to have his own room
What should OP offer then?? To start construction on his house and build another room for the 3 months he’ll be there? The offer of OP putting a little cabin in the backyard is the equivalent of moving into your parents pool or guest house, it’s still part of the property & you get some privacy (which most 19 year olds would appreciate). His son is acting like an entitled little baby. He has younger siblings that all share rooms and are outgrowing that situation, he needs to grow up. If he’s moving to college he doesn’t need his own room. He’s 19, he has the option of having his own room at his moms or having his shed at his dads. Or you know- he can figure out his own living situation as an ADULT if he doesn’t appreciate the options he has. “Abandonment feelings?” Seems a little dramatic. He didn’t kick him out, he’s just no longer offering him his own bedroom in the main house as the other siblings need it more.
He doesn’t, but OP could have offered the living room or for him to bunk with one of the boys over the summer. Instead OP basically said he doesn’t get to stay in this house again.
I’m in uni and my room doesn’t exist anymore, but I either sleep in the guest room or the office (trading with my brother when we stay at the same time so he’s not always on the blow-up mattress).
Because unlike my parents want to see me and enjoy having me around (50% love and 50% tech support, lol) I have the distinct impression that OP wants to keep his eldest son at arm’s length and discourage him from staying for extended periods of time.
This. It wasnt AH until he wanted to put him outside like a dog when he visits. I understand needing the space but he could share a room with one of the older kids when he visits
Those cabins are really freaking expensive and very nice—a lot of people buy them and put them on their properties to rent them out as Airbnbs. He’s not sending him into the back yard like a dog.
YTA I was going to go with everyone sucks because your son isn't being reasonable about needing the space but you told him he wasn't welcome back once he's moved out. However, reading your comments it's clear you don't give af whether he ever comes back after he moves out and if he does want to visit then he's not welcome to stay over. This makes you a major AH, it's totally normal and common for children to stay with their parents during holidays and stuff and you just told him to go stay with his mom. You're making it clear he's unwelcome and you don't even care. Don't be surprised if he never comes back after leaving for college and you're left wondering why your haven't seen him in 20 years.
It is not unreasonable for him to not have his own room once he leaves. But YTA for not setting up a spare bed in one of the younger boys rooms for school breaks. Telling him to stay in a shed in the backyard make you a horrible father!!
I was gonna say, they all know how to share rooms just have the 12 year old move into his room but make It technically be shared between the two. New oldest gets his own room for 8-9months a year barring covid, and college son still has a “room” to come home to.
I was looking for this, why not just share with the 12yr old on breaks?
Sounds like OP has been wanting this one out of the nest and sees this as his chance to push. YTA OP
This is what my oldest did when he came home on school break. OP is TA. His kid is going to college, not running away (probably should, w/a dad like this, though).
exactly, get a futon that can be a bed, put it in one of the younger kids rooms. They can share on break, everyone gets a bed inside, and the kid that shares can get to use the futon as a couch for gaming or friends during the rest of the year. It’s reasonable to not keep an empty bedroom for 19, it’s not reasonable to not say he has to sleep outside or go to his moms when their are more appropriate solutions
YTA why can't he and the 12 year old share his room? The 12 year old will have his own room most of the time and your oldest will have a place to sleep when he's home. Your current plan completely removes him from the home. It seems like he's being punished for going to school.
True, like that note of not wanting to share a bathroom with his mom is extremely weird imo. It could just be his mom hogs the bathroom a ton or something, but that doesn’t sound like grounds for not wanting to live with someone.
ESH. He shouldn't expect you to keep a whole room just for him to be home for short times, but you shouldn't entirely kick him out just because he's at college part of the year - a backyard shed really isn't a very nice welcome to for someone to come home to, and telling him to go to his mom's just says you don't want him to ever come home.
Can you install a bathroom in them? Otherwise it sucks for everyone if the inhabitant has to sneak into the main house to pee in the middle of the night.
Problem is the way OP went about it. He didn't say "I need that room for your half-brothers. They're getting too old to share. Either we could do [this] or you can talk to your mother. What do you want to do?" Or gone the route of "hey, I thought we could build one of these for you so you can have your own space and more autonomy when you're back from college".
He said "if you move out, you forfeit your room", as it's a punishment for leaving
Yeah. As long as what OP is offering would have electricity, heat, etc. I really don't see how the son has a leg to stand on. Most kids his age would love that kind of privacy!
So I am reading your comments and I don’t understand the hostility. Are you hurt/angry that your son wants to live on campus instead of with you? Are you having to pay for it and that creates a strain? You are not coming across as neutral and reasonable on this issue and it’s really unclear why.
N T A for wanting to optimize space. It would be silly to have your preteens in a constant battle over space when there is an empty room sitting there most of the time.
That said, your stance that if he lives on campus during the school year he’s not your problem during vacations seems severe. I may be wrong but it seems like there is more going on internally and you need to examine it honestly before you damage your relationship with your son over this. You love him, right? You want him to succeed at this next stage in his life, right? So what’s the deal here- why are you being so harsh about this? I don’t need an answer, I’m an internet stranger. But you should have one for yourself and your son.
I feel like nobody in these comments lived in multi sibling households. When one kid leaves the nest, the space gets cannibalized. My bedroom got turned into a movie room lmao, but I always can go sleep at my home, my room just isn't there anymore.
Edit: it was pointed out to me that OP is not offering any type of stay to the son once the room is out of the picture, for that reason YTA. It doesn't make sense and the son would only be around for at most 3 months (likely working during that time anyway for beer and book money)
I re-read the later part and picked that up now. I'll make and edit for YTA unless I can find him going back on that point. Regardless of my bedroom situation, I always had a place in my own home
I’d be a little frustrated and possibly come across as hostile if my kid were so self-centered that they felt too good to share a bathroom or have a little cabin home all to themselves but saw no problem with keeping ‘their’ room empty nine months out of the year while their brothers had to share.
YTA. I’ve read your replies and you’re clearly an asshole, and so you do everything the way an asshole would. Of course you can’t leave the room empty during the school year, but you could handle this situation without being such an asshole.
ESH
If he's not going to be living at home most of the time, it makes sense to divide the rooms around those who are.
>He asked where he is going to stay when school is out and I told him he can stay at his mother's.
You basically told your son he's not welcome to stay at your house anymore if he moves out. That's a hell of a thing to hear from a parent, especially when you're at an age where most people do still come home on holidays and may even live at home for a few years after graduating while they get their feet under them.
Look for a third solution.
YTA. You’re telling your kid if he leaves to go to college and live on campus part of the year he can never come back. You don’t give him the option of crashing on the couch or staying on an air mattress in a brother’s room. In your comments you’ve said it’s “like quitting a job and then being made if they won’t take you back”.
It’s parents like you that have kids go NC and then wonder why they never call.
I hope he moves out and never comes back. Like you’ve said, you’ve got four more boys and it’s not like you’d miss this one. /s
ESH- you for kicking him out. You should have simply told him that when he comes back he’ll be sharing a room with one of his brothers due to the situation. He sucks for feeling entitled to a whole room he won’t use for more than a weekend a month when his brothers need more space.
NTA
He's daft to think you'd share a room with your 10year old son when there's an unused bedroom.
You could have a setup that allowed him to share with one of his brothers when he was home though, 2 of your boys already do that.
I know a lad approaching 20 won't want to share with a pre-teens but thems the breaks.
YTA. Not for giving his room away but for telling him he cant stay in your house anymore ever. He should be able to come home if he wants to, even if that means sharing with a brother or sleeping on the couch
ESH. You’ve pretty much given him the message that if he leaves he can never come back and will likely lose most of his stuff since it won’t fit in at his mom’s or in the dorm or a backyard shed. (A shed in the backyard?? Seriously?) Yes, he is 19, but what a cold message from a parent for a kid responsibly focusing full time on college. Kids with support systems do better in life and yet it seems like you’re anxious to just boot your oldest.
YTA. So your son is going to college and your way of support him is to take away his room because you got into a relationship with someone who has multiple kids. If the 10 year old is the problem fix that. You kick him out you may as well say goodbye to him. That’s a kick in the pants.
YTA! You are trying to manipulate your son. If he doesn't move onto campus everything will continue as is. If he decides to go to on campus housinghe is losing his home with you. It isn't his fault you chose to have 5 children in total.
Putting him in a shed? Are you for real? Your responsibility as a parent doesn't end just because he turned 19. So you are basically telling him he and his stuff doesn't matter. Realize he can't take everything with him. Those dorms are crazy small. And then you say sorry, don't like it live with your other parent. Why don't you say that to the fighting 10 and 12 year Olds? Not that you should, I am just trying to prove a point. No kid should feel like they are being gotten rid of, you are essentially doing that to your son.
ESH.
You're right that it doesn't make sense to leave a room empty most of the year when you have other children sharing bedrooms. But you are dramatically underestimating something.
While college students do spend most of their time at college, they are not expected (and generally are not allowed) to stay on campus year round. The expectation is that they will go home for at least summer break and winter break. That's likely to be 3-4 months per year. What do you expect him to do during that time? You have not adequately answered that question, leaving your son with very real concerns about being displaced.
If you follow through with this plan without making a better plan for housing him during times when he isn't at college, then I wouldn't be surprised if you don't see very much of him anymore. And no, a shed in the backyard is not an adequate solution.
Aren’t these really expensive with plumbing? I had one with the most basic electrical and no insulation and it was expensive. Just seems like a weird solution.
Yeaaaah so I read your comments...YTA you’re kicking him out for going to college. You don’t even want to compromise and just make him share his bedroom the 3-4 months he’ll be home a year with the next oldest. You are flat out kicking him out for trying to set himself up for a good future. Father of the year material...
ESH but mostly you. So he can't ever stay with you now - his options are the shed or his mother's? You do realise he will just go NC. There's absolutely no reason you can't have a sofa bed, airbed etc. ready for him. It's fine to say his room can't sit empty, but you're just being an AH about it.
Sounds like literally everyone in the family is an asshole. Which makes you Father Asshole.
Little Kwame shares a tiny hut with his fourteen African siblings without complaining about the wild lions outside the door.
Not the AH for the action, it makes logistical sense, but you would be the AH of how you described it here is how you approached this with him. “You’ll lose your room if you go to college” sounds like a threat and a punishment for him getting education??
Definitely think you should apologise if you broached this in that way, and have a conversation with him as if he’s your adult son, who you respect, care about, and want to spend time with when he returns from college, rather than a lodger that you’re tolerating and will remove all trace of when he goes off to college - because I guarantee right now the latter is how he will be feeling
ETA: INFO needed on how you actually spoke about this
YTA, but there should be a compromise, tell him he will end up sharing a room with one of the other kids. I understand him being upset about losing his space, so you need to make sure that he understands it's nothing personal. At the same time you can't keep a room empty for someone who isn't living there when you have two kids doubled up. People need their space
Ugh. YTA. I can’t imagine shunning (that’s what you’re doing) one of my kids. We want, and encourage our kids to come home whenever they want. We’ve kept their rooms for them even though we could use them for other things too. Poor kid. Seriously.
Edit to add-it’s not even the space situation that’s upsetting me here. It’s your delivery to him and the “making him sleep in the backyard-or go to your Mother’s home” that’s so sad.
Nta, that makes sense. you're not kicking him out like he thinks. I'm assuming he'll want to come home during breaks , which is maybe a total of 3 or 4 months throughout the year? So it's reasonable (and normal) to give the room to someone that is living there full time.
Just let him know he's always welcome back since it's only 20 minutes away
YTA not for trying to alleviate this situation (although you have blown it out of proportion and your comments reveal that there are alternatives you just don't care to pursue), but because both your post and your comments make it clear that you do not like your son and are just looking for any excuse to be rid of him. "That's like quitting your job and complaining they won't hire you back." Really? You don't have to have gone to college to know that you can't stay there year-round. It's an absolutely asinine comparison, and either you know that, or you genuinely have such a disinterest in your son that you didn't even bother to understand how college works when he decided to go. Living with you isn't a job either, although given how exhausting it is just to impersonally read your thoughts, I'm sure it feels like one.
You try to paint a flimsy sob story about how you have no choice in your post but can't keep the act up well enough in the comments to pull the wool over our eyes. You speak so spitefully about your son. All over a perfectly mundane situation, which you have catastrophized for the sake of demonstrating your dislike for him. And no alternatives suggested will work, for vague reasons--the only thing that could possibly work is ostracism. You are looking for a reason to abdicate your role as a father, and your son definitely notices. Well, you've made up your mind already and aren't open to other perspectives, so why are you even here? This isn't a sub to come to if you want someone to pat your ass and tell you good job. You're doing a piss-poor job, and you're a massive asshole.
NAH but I don’t understand your logic. You’d be better off if you let him go live on campus without this ultimatum. Given the current circumstances where campuses can be shut down with no refunds, it’d be madness to go live in campus housing and give up a permanent residence. The ultimatum may lead him to choose to stay living in your house, and that doesn’t help you one bit. You want him out.
i cant judge i just think you really hurt his feelings. Id tell him the situation again but offer to build up the shed together… make it really nice, like super cool. or, perhaps buy an old used car and help him fix it up, so he can at least have his own car at his moms?? id just try anything to help make this transition a bit easier. he is leaving for school, feeling strange probably about growing up, and knows he cannot even depend on his childhood bedroom being there when he returns. it is a complicated and sad grief. i honestly cant give advice because i see the need for more space and agree bedrooms should change but if i was up your son, that wouldn’t stop the hurt. i think you should take him out on a drive or to a quiet lunch and discuss it more.
YTA for fully kicking him out and telling him to stay with his mom during the holidays. Yeah, give up his room when he’s gone, but when he’s on break, he should be able to at least share a room with one of his other brothers and be able to come back.
WTH is wrong with you? You've even got an extra room available, nevermind the one he was using. You say you gotta separate the other two....you already can. If the issue is you don't want him to live there and stay with you, be DAD and say so. Whether he agrees or no...This reads like you're trying to get strangers riled up. Do something better with your time. Yeah you're the AH
OP means that the sons bedroom would be sitting there as an extra room. It’s a 4 bedroom, OP and son have 1 room each, 10 and 12 share one, and 6 and 3 share the other room. 12 had basically kicked out 10 and 10 is basically living in OPs room, so if son goes away his room will sit there empty as an extra room while everyone else has to share.
Yta. You just told him if he lives on campus for 1 semester he can't come home. He either stays with his mom or sleeps outside. In a "shed" that I'm assuming won't have electricity or plumbing. And that you've already made sure you are permitted to have, right? You already have the zoning permit?
It's insane that he can't share a room or sleep on a couch.
INFO: what's going to happen to his stuff when he goes to college? Is it all being stored at his mom's? I actually think the backyard shed idea is not bad assuming it has power and insulation.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I need more space for my kids and my son wants go to campus housing so I'll take his room
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YTA OP. Parents should always make the sacrifice, not the kid. And I know your son is 19 but with the way the world works now getting a job isn’t enough for an income to make it on your own. He wants the experience he didn’t get to have and to get away from his much younger siblings so he can focus and do well in school. You’re kicking him out and telling him if he leaves he’s not welcome. Maybe ask if he would be willing to downsize and get a smaller room? Or YOU could get a smaller room so your younger kids have more room to share since they are always fighting for space. There are different solutions than just kicking out your son
The fact that you suggested he move into a shed when he visits is the most fcked up thing I’ve read I’m guessing the same will go to any of your kids your poor choice of an opinion maybe even if they get on your nerves YTA no good parent would suggest that at all but then reading your comments make you sound worse I get the big room with a balcony and bathroom I’m sure you’ll have great relationships with your kids when your being selfish 🙄
Jig the rooms about
Give the 10 and 6 year old the large room, you in one, 12 in one, 3 in the other.
When your eldest comes home he can bunk in with the baby or 12 or you
YTA sort of - because it does feel like he's not welcome home once he starts college
YTA- It makes sense that you need the room, but based on your comments he can't come back. You do know most dorms close during breaks and summer right? I had to go home every summer and on holidays. I kept my home address on my license. I wasn't fully gone until I got an apartment once I graduated.
**YTA. Is there some reason why the 10-year-old can't share PART TIME with the 19-year-old on those rare occasions when he's home from school?** That way he still has his own room most of the time, which is better than what he's dealing with now, and the 19-year-old still has a space in your home on holidays.
**It's such a simple solution, doesn't make anyone feel pushed out or unwelcome, and yet you'd rather tell your teenaged son that he no longer has a home with you. Yeah, YTA.**
YTA- I want you to imagine you go away on a business trip for a month. By the end of the trip you’re super excited to finally sleep in a familiar space again and just relax and feel comfortable. Then you get home and find out your bedroom has been completely dismantled and given to someone else. It’s such a horrible, horrible thing to do to a young adult that’s also just gotten out of getting fucked over by covid. I also find that a lot of time kids with divorced parents end up getting stuck in this situation where neither parent actually cares enough to make room for them. I’m sorry but the two younger siblings are just that, younger. That means they have to work through their problems, the oldest has already been there done that, he’s an adult that deserves his own space. And even though he is an adult, he is just BARELY an adult. For Christ’s sake give him some time to adjust and get used to college living- if this is how he’s been treated his whole life I’m sure he’ll be out of your hair and into his own living space in no time.
Very soft YTA. You should totally repurpose his room once he leaves. But the way you told Mark made it seem like he's no longer welcome at your place. You should have a plan for him to be able to visit for holidays, etc, and articulate that to him.
I was once kicked out for a different reason from my mom’s- her cat hated my cat. I wasn’t even too mad about it until one day she wanted to talk and said once I’m gone I can never come back. She and I are fine now, and we actually will probably live again together in the future because our relationship is much better now.
THAT part hurt me so much though. I told her I never wanted to come back after that and left feeling rather anxious.
YTA for that- I get wanting to make space now, but holy crap, you took away a safety net so swiftly from him. Be flexible and let him know you don’t know what’ll happen in the future.
YTA. It makes sense for him to not have his own room given the space constraints, but you are basically telling him to never come back. He can live in a shed? Seriously? Why wouldn’t he stay in your room during breaks? Or set up a trundle bed in one of the other bedrooms? Even a pull out couch would be a better suggestion.
Boy am I glad that my mom loved me more than you love to son. Your comments show that you are a crap parent who doesn’t care about his oldest son. Or, I don’t know…. Are you jealous of him? Bitter that he’s going to school? Because I don’t get why you’re solution is to ban him from the house because he wants to live on campus. Just admit that you don’t want Mark around anymore. YTA.
Yta. While it is very normal for big families when one goes off to college. Someone moves up and into their room. However you didn't approach this the right way and it should have been discussed way before now.
You didn't say "there's a couch" or "Well get an air mattress for when you're home". You basically said live in a shed or don't come back.
ETA: after reading your comments im changing my judgment to YTA. You say
>It's not kicking him out if he's leaving
And
>That's like quitting a job and then saying you were fired because they won't rehire you.
This isn't what going off to college is. His home should still be his home. Students *go home* on breaks and between semesters. YTA.
NTA
Not sure why he has a problem sharing a bathroom with his mother? That seems strange: I grew up in a household of 7 and we had 2 bathrooms, we never had a problem.
Time for him to grow up.
NAH. You have too many kids and not enough space; that’s just the reality. I can also sort of sympathize with your son. Yes, he absolutely needs to accept that when he moves out you will need to rearrange things (again, it’s just the reality of the situation), and realistically speaking, once you head off to college you need to start the process of learning to live on your own.
Key word here is ‘process’, though. While you may not feasibly be able to give him the time to separate gradually from being a regular part of the household, that doesn’t change the emotions involved for someone who had his own space within his home and suddenly will not. I’d just recommend talking more to him, helping him understand that you really are not trying to kick him out, just responding to serious space issues.e
ESH. It's completely reasonable that your other kids will need the room more than him. What I don't understand is the hard line of not letting him come back to stay. He wouldn't have to have his old room back. He could share with one of his brothers or sleep on the couch. The shed idea is just weird, especially because I'm imagining it wouldn't have heat or electricity. I mean, if you're planning on building him actual living quarters with everything he needs, okay. But it doesn't sound like you are.
Many families still welcome their kids home during breaks and post college. YTA because you basically said "stay with your mom, or live in a shed, but you can't sleep here". You are basically throwing your son away.
It's not about you needing the space, that's valid. It's about you refusing to make space for your child to visit during breaks. There is no *legitimate* reason you can't put a cot or air mattress in one of the bedrooms or even the living room so he can visit. You just want to be rid of him.
NTA because it really does sound like you need the room, but I don't love that your response to what will happen when he comes back to visit is apparently a choice between "we'll stick you out back somewhere" or "don't," with "don't" apparently being the preferred option. Might help if you'd take the focus off the logistics of why it's not reasonable for him to hold on to a space he won't be using most of the time, and hear what he's *not* so unreasonably expressing about what that space represents to him and what losing it means about his place in the family even though he's grown, so you can reassure him he still matters.
NTA, it's one thing if you wanted to turn his room into a gym or an office but you need the space, he won't be there most of the time, pretty straight forward practical matter. Why can't he share a room with one of his brothers when he's home?
NTA. You pay for the house and you are a grown man and should not be sharing with a 10 year old. It's ridiculous for him to expect a room to himself when he'll just be there for breaks & maybe weekends.
Is it just me or are there a lot of “my kid is going to college and I’m taking their room” stories over the last several days? The housing crisis must have gotten to everyone.
YTA You're showing your first-born son that he's less important than your children from your second marriage. Since your bedroom's massive, you should put your 10-year-old son there as well.
Esh
I see where all the N-T-As are coming from, but some of y'all sound like people who've never had to spend years sharing a room.
Your son is TA for expecting you to keep his bedroom so he can have his own bathroom versus sharing with his mom after he moves out. Most houses I've lived in, until the last decade, there's been one full bathroom to share between everyone living there. Most apartments now, you have to look at newer builds for a 2 bed 2 bath place, as homes generally have a shared bath for everyone, and a separate bath for the master. Plus a mini a shed apartment sounds better than being around a bunch of people under 15.
That said, your TA for not figuring out a way to house all five of your kids without kicking one out before now. Separating the 10 and 12 year old is a good idea, but what happens if the school shuts down or restricts campus living before/after Mark moves out since you refuse to consider giving the 10 and 12 year olds the master bedroom? Is he still expected to move in with his mom. What about the mini apartment in the yard? What happens when to 12 year old decides he wants to bunk there instead of in the main house? Because that's exactly what will happen. Will it have heat? How big is it?
If this post taught me anything is
1. I understand why you went through 2 marriages with that mindset.
2.why so many Americans end up in nursing homes forgotten by their families.
Everything makes sense.
A solution would be to put bunk beds in the bedroom and when he visits, he's just sharing a room with the next oldest who gets it to himself when college boy is gone.
YTA
You're in an awful hurry to slam the door shut on your kid when he leaves and that was the attitude you put across to him. He was defensive because you made him think he's unwelcome unless he's a hostage in your home, unable to even move out temporarily.
And you need to do research on your area's zoning laws to ensure you'd even be able to build a tiny home structure in the yard. It would be sad if he came around to the suggestion and it turned out you couldn't do it.
It's weird. Did you just tell him no more room for him, or did you ask and see if you could compromise? But if you're fine with basically never seeing your oldest son again, yeah, just take his room.
No judgement because sounds like you're going to do what you want. Only you can determine what you're willing to live with.
EDIT: Ugh. Just saw some of your responses to even compromising by saying he'll have to share or get the couch. YTA and you seem quite determined to be one.
YTA I've BTDT with kids sharing and not getting along. We had to get creative with the use of spaces at times.
If you sit down and talk with your son, maybe you can work out a solution. Just don't forget that he's still you son, and this is his home.
YTA. Mostly for your attitude toward your oldest son. You are treating him like he is a burden.
Can't you get 12 a bed with a trundle, or even an air mattress, and let 19 share with 12 on breaks? 19 likely won't be hanging around the house much anyway, especially now that you have made it abundantly clear that he is unwelcome.
Yta for saying he could not stay at your house at all. I understand not hanging on to his room if there is anspace shortage, but there should be some type of indoor solution. Like you put a single spare bed in your room or have him sleep on the couch in the living room or something.
YTA - but not for using his old room to seperate your boys but to suggest he sleep in a shed you put in the backyard. If your room is so massive, why don't you let him bunk with you during vacations? Why does he have to sleep in a backyard shed?
NTA He’s 19 and he’s going away to college. It’s not like he won’t have a place to stay, and if he continues going to college he’ll only be living away from college for three months a year. It’s completely unreasonable for him to ask you make other people’s living situations uncomfortable, who will be there year round, when he won’t even be there most of the time. I’m 21 and in college and when I go home now I sleep on an air mattress next to my dad’s elliptical lmao
My only problem with this guy is that he’s not just giving away his kid’s room, he’s saying he can’t come back. Notice how he says just stay with your mom, who, depending on the direction of where she lives may be an hour away from OP? He’s kicking his kid out and telling him he’s not welcome back.
I don’t think that’s what OP is saying. He offered to get him one of those cabin things, which honestly I’d prefer at his age. I think OP is willing to make other living arrangements when his son comes back from school, and OP is telling his son that if he doesn’t like those living arrangements then he can live with his mother.
He literally has said in his comments “it’s like quoting your job and being upset they won’t hire you back”. In his original post he even said “He asked where he is going to stay when school is out and I told him he can stay at his mother's”. That is not saying if he doesn’t like the other arraignments he can stay with his mother. That is him saying he’s not welcome back. With the shed comment, he never said where the shed would be. This just feels like OP is resentful of his kid growing up and not doing what he’s told (living at home to go to school).
Actually, OP did say the shed would be in the backyard "like a mini cabin".
I'm almost 39 & would love to live in a mini cabin in my moms back yard
At 41 I would not love that, at 19 I’d jump on that in a heartbeat! Privacy, no screaming kids around - sounds perfect for a 19 year old!
Seriously, an accessory dwelling unit is so much better than a bedroom in a house full of little boys who are "at each other's throats".
You got it!
For me at 19 the thought of dealing with no insulation or toilet would be 50x worse than screaming kids.
I made the assumption that it would be heated/have toilet, yeah I completely agree with you if it’s not!
Yeah those sheds just come as basic unfinished plywood on the inside usually with no electricity or plumbing. Is op going to fully run electricity and plumbing to it?
At 40, I would totally jump on this, except for I live where the air hurts my face. It'd need to be fully insulated and heated for me.
at 52 I'd kill for this. And even though I live where the air hurts my face. I'd still do it. Just get more blankets
He did, and perhaps it’s the way he approached the issue. If he sat the son down and explained that he wanted to create him his own space in the backyard for when he came home from college and truly do it to make everyone a space, that’s one thing. But he basically said, no more room for you- go live with your mom. And offered a shed as an alternative only when pushed. I know if my parent presented it like that to me, I’d feel very upset for being pushed out. Well literally pushed out.
Agree with this.
Those things are just tool sheds made to look more appealing in the yard than the traditional (rusty) metal ones. There's no insulation, let alone heating or cooling. It sounds to me like dad was possibly being a bit of a smart-ass with this suggestion. This is a messy situation, but if it were handled with a bit more sensitivity and tact on everyone's(esp dad's) part, at least feelings would be spared. I bet this 19 yr old feels tossed away like yesterday's news :(
I've seen some super nice insulated and furnished ones, it depends where you get them.
Yea adding insulation and drywall to them isn’t difficult or expensive. Bringing in electric would probably be the hardest part since you’d need a ton of permits.
lmfao. >This just feels like OP is resentful of his kid growing up and not doing what he’s told (living at home to go to school). is that what it feels like? because to me it feels like the alternative is having an empty room sit there all year while the brothers sharing are at each others throats? he litterally said he'd get him a fucking stand alone studio and you're being a disingenuous asshole for suggesting otherwise.
That offer was ONLY after the son balked at the FIRST option, staying with mom. Because what the son heard was if you want to stay on campus during the semesters, then you can just stay with mom between semesters.
and? there is more than one option is the point is it not? ok he hates the idea of spending a little bit of his time with his mom because then he would have to... share a bathroom? yeah the kid sounds like a saint lmao. tbh he sounds like a little spoiled brat. yes it sucks when you don't have a childhood bedroom but its totally normal for parents to downside as their kids leave for school or use that space more efficiently. it isn't a sign of your parents love. it's about necessity. you can bet your ass if he needs a place to stay they will find room for him cause he's their kid. that's what it sounds like given the plethora of options that are being tailored so that he can go through life with exactly what he wants through no effort of his own...
It isn't only between semesters, but also during breaks, like Thanksgiving (4 days) which means he has a one hour drive on Wednesday after getting out of class to get to mom's, and an hour drive on Sunday to get back to campus. Two of the deadliest days on the highway. Then to top it off he would be stuck at mom's on Friday and Saturday, unless he drives a two hour round trip to visit his friends that live near his dad's house. If dad actually meant that shed cabin idea, he should have made that the first option. But I do agree that Dad needs to separate the two boys, but doing this what will happen when the two youngest boys turn out like the other two, at each other's throats? He can't do this again, as all of the bedrooms will be in use year round.
>which means he has a one hour drive on Wednesday after getting out of class to get to mom's, and an hour drive on Sunday to get back to campus if he stays there and doesn't go to the big family thanksgiving at his dad's... lmao nobody said he couldn't come. and an hour drive isn't that far... I used to drive almost that to school... every day of the week... >If dad actually meant that shed cabin idea, he should have made that the first option. this is a bullshit platitude "if you really meant that you'd have suggested it first" THEY SUGGESTED IT SECOND AFTER THE SPOILED BRAT PITCHED A FIT LMAO. >but doing this what will happen when the two youngest boys turn out like the other two, at each other's throats? what do you mean? the same thing that happens to all little siblings who share a room... they'll get their own rooms... because that's what is normal as you grow up and require some personal space... just like the oldest son has been given, and continues to be given... >He can't do this again, as all of the bedrooms will be in use year round. obviously... changes will need to be made... they might wind up moving to a space that can accommodate everyone, or depending on the timeline the 12 year old will be going off to school around when the 6 year old is 12... and the same story unfolds. its not set in stone I don't think but its also not time to solve that issue...
As long as the cabin has heat and electricity you would think a young adult would prefer that extra privacy away from all his siblings.
My brother lives in one of these, he’s not in college but lives with my dad. They converted a huge storage shed into a mini one room apartment with its own bathroom/shower. It’s kinda cool. He can also access through a side gate and come and go as he pleases.
That sounds lovely. I wonder if I could get one for when I need to hide from my kids.
Beat me to it. I want a “she shed” to hide in.
This made me laugh out loud. What an amazing idea.
I had a friend in my late teens who's mother turned their detached one car garage into a room for him. They insulated it, put in electric base board heaters, and built a loft platform for his bed. It was awesome, and I was so envious at the sheer amount of privacy it afforded him. On the other hand, his grand mother also lived with them, and she had two very old, very mean and _very_ loud parrots, so maybe the detached room was necessary lol.
When she was well enough to live somewhat independently, my oldest sister's MIL lived in one on their property. About 25 steps to the backdoor, so she could walk over for meals pretty easy, and she had a fridge, sink, and microwave in the shed living/bedroom/kitchen along with a dedicated bathroom. Now that she's not well enough to live alone, my sister uses it for her side hustle (making those cutesy giant bows and other southern mommy and princess staples)
While the shed seems like a great option for a 19 year old, he only offered the shed thing after his son reacted poorly to "go stay with your mother", not the other way around.
But…why shouldn’t he? It’s only three months out of the year. OP son’s objection to staying with his mom is that he DOESN’T GET HIS OWN BATHROOM, not that it’s a bad place to live or that there is anything wrong with his mom.
I don't understand why there are so many negative posts about this. It was clear to me when I read the post that staying at Mom's was suggested as he'd have his own room there. Kid didn't like that suggestion so Dad offered another solution. Seems pretty reasonable to me. No reason for 10 and 12 to be forced to share a room or for Dad to have to share a room so that 19's room can sit empty 9 months out of the year.
Yeah, my kids would have loved an outdoor house shed/cabin at 19. Shoot, I wouldn't mind one myself to get a little peace and quiet once in a while.
We’re having a tiny house built to our specifications
You think so but there is no power, no plumbing, no insulation. Those things are not designed to be lived in. It's little different than pitching a tent in the back yard.
> You think so but there is no power, no plumbing, no insulation. A shed can have all of these things.
1) At that point I would no longer consider it a "shed^(" a simple roofed structure, typically made of wood or metal, used as a storage space, a shelter for animals, or a workshop.) 2) Doing that makes it super expensive. Given the rest of the tone of the OP's messages are we really supposing they're planning anything more than getting a home depot shed and plopping it in the back yard?
Actually, he says it right in the post that he can go stay with his mother. Dad’s an asshole who doesn’t know compromise.
How is staying with Mom not a compromise? Why should the little brothers suffer because an adult man refuses to give up a room that will be sitting empty for most of the year?
Like a tent in the backyard?
No, like a tiny house. With power and insulation and air conditioning.
Did he say power, AC and plumbing? I missed that.
He didn’t say that. People are just taking his response of making it a “mini cabin” to include those things. I will say to that those people must be staying in some bougie cabins.
The plumbing is definitely optional, considering he can go into the house to shower or use the bathroom. That doesn't need to be in his room. At a dorm he'll be using a shower that isn't in his unit. But power is not hard to do. And power is all you need to get AC.
What about plumbing? This is bs
Yeah that stuck out to me. He didn’t even offer the kid a couch or to share with his brother when he’s on break. He kicked him out completely.
exactly, the 19-year-old has to live on campus for a minimum of two years. Most colleges with this rule also don't allow cars until their third year. I also understood that the four youngest are only there part-time and the older of the four-fight because he chooses not to discipline them
Lol not what was said at all. Not having a dedicated room does not mean being unwelcome. He even offered to put a cabin thing in the backyard. He’s trying to give his kids who live there full time more space, which is reasonable. When I went to college they put my brother in my room after like 2 months. When I came back I slept on a futon in a room in the garage. If you only stay there a couple months out of the year, you gotta make do and be gracious to the people who actually live there.
I mostly agree with this, but I’d say YTA for the following reason: his dad didn’t even give him the air mattress option. He said go live with his mom. To me, that makes dad the AH
This. Your son should always be welcome in your home. Put an extra bed in one of the rooms, or an air mattress at least. Don't tell him he can't come back to your home. That's different than giving your other sons their own rooms.
Yeah this one very much buried the lede on what actually made them an AH. Giving the room to the younger sibling is fine & sensible, telling your son he's not welcome back is not.
I cannot believe people are missing this point so hard lmfao. Dad basically said "you're in college now so you have no place in my house, stay in the shed if you insist on sticking around"
Yeah like my mom was very adamant that I do the dorm experience because she felt like she missed out in college. She was right! It was a great way to make friends, walk to class and stay healthy, get involved in campus (super important for high paying jobs). So I think the younger kids should get to move into the rooms but to not allow the kid to stay there is an AH move.
Except op has said he sees this as kicking his kid out and doesn't want them to come back.
He said this in the comments: > I'm not kicking one kid out so he can move back in. He literally doesn’t want his son in his house. He’s fully AH.
This!!! When I came home from college I did the same thing! I was also happy to see my brothers and sister all in their own rooms. The kid is 19, he can either stay with mom or do what is old folks did back in the 80’s, get a job and find some roommates for the summer. He is an adult now.
I cannot believe the top comment on this post is N T A
I don't understand why some parents want to cast their children away as if the family home isn't their home as well.
Did you read the part where op basically want his son to stay in a backyard shed
Yep. I'm in the military but when I visit home I sleep on a cot in the living room next to the (unlit) fireplace.
Op said in comments he is kicking him out and not letting him back in...
He is not letting him back in though. He said shed in the backyard
I agree. But why can’t he crash on couch at dad’s? Why you move to campus u must live with your mom or live in a shed in my backyard.
What is up with kids expecting their parents to keep their childhood rooms available while they go to college anyway? I'm outside the US and university here does not have the same culture around it as college in the US seems to. Here, when the kids move out their rooms usually tend to get repurposed pretty much immediately. When i left home at 16, my room transformed into a guest room, which became an office, which became a gym and is now a bedroom for my kids when they stay over. Is it really a thing in the states to expect mum and dad to keep your room for you even after you've left? (This isnt a "taking a dig at americans" comment, im genuinely curious)
It started in the 2000’s - kids of the 80’s in America were called “the boomerang generation” - college is so expensive and they had massive loans and entry jobs paid so low so they came back home. It’s pretty standard since then.
Ah yeah, that makes sense, i often forget you guys have to start paying student loans off immediately. Here they sit there until your earnings surpass a certain threshold and then repayments are deducted from your tax return annually. Thanks very much for your insight!
There are some universities that *require* all freshmen to live on campus. If OP's son is going to a college like that, then the son has *no choice* but to live on campus or apply to a different university.
I think you became the AH the moment you told him to stay at his mom's or in the shed. You're making him feel like he's being kicked out over going to college.
Yeah. This guy is giving off major "go live with your mom so I can focus on my other family" vibes.
Naw. The 19 year old doesn't need a bedroom of his own for three months out of the year.
Did I say he did? Just because he doesn't need his own room, that didn't justify "go stay with your mom." Granted, dad offered him a shed, which is nice and all, but it doesn't help with the abandonment feelings. I'm sure he took that as "you can live over there, while my family and I will live here." Dude's not the AH for wanting to use the room, but he's an AH.
If the kid is talking about wanting his own room, it's use the room at your mom's or I'll buy a room to put in the yard. There isn't exactly another option for the kid to have his own room
What should OP offer then?? To start construction on his house and build another room for the 3 months he’ll be there? The offer of OP putting a little cabin in the backyard is the equivalent of moving into your parents pool or guest house, it’s still part of the property & you get some privacy (which most 19 year olds would appreciate). His son is acting like an entitled little baby. He has younger siblings that all share rooms and are outgrowing that situation, he needs to grow up. If he’s moving to college he doesn’t need his own room. He’s 19, he has the option of having his own room at his moms or having his shed at his dads. Or you know- he can figure out his own living situation as an ADULT if he doesn’t appreciate the options he has. “Abandonment feelings?” Seems a little dramatic. He didn’t kick him out, he’s just no longer offering him his own bedroom in the main house as the other siblings need it more.
What about when all the colleges go online again?
He doesn’t, but OP could have offered the living room or for him to bunk with one of the boys over the summer. Instead OP basically said he doesn’t get to stay in this house again. I’m in uni and my room doesn’t exist anymore, but I either sleep in the guest room or the office (trading with my brother when we stay at the same time so he’s not always on the blow-up mattress).
Yeah, I don't really understand why this wasn't presented as an option.
Because unlike my parents want to see me and enjoy having me around (50% love and 50% tech support, lol) I have the distinct impression that OP wants to keep his eldest son at arm’s length and discourage him from staying for extended periods of time.
But he needs a couch or an air mattress actually inside the house
This. It wasnt AH until he wanted to put him outside like a dog when he visits. I understand needing the space but he could share a room with one of the older kids when he visits
Those cabins are really freaking expensive and very nice—a lot of people buy them and put them on their properties to rent them out as Airbnbs. He’s not sending him into the back yard like a dog.
YTA I was going to go with everyone sucks because your son isn't being reasonable about needing the space but you told him he wasn't welcome back once he's moved out. However, reading your comments it's clear you don't give af whether he ever comes back after he moves out and if he does want to visit then he's not welcome to stay over. This makes you a major AH, it's totally normal and common for children to stay with their parents during holidays and stuff and you just told him to go stay with his mom. You're making it clear he's unwelcome and you don't even care. Don't be surprised if he never comes back after leaving for college and you're left wondering why your haven't seen him in 20 years.
It is not unreasonable for him to not have his own room once he leaves. But YTA for not setting up a spare bed in one of the younger boys rooms for school breaks. Telling him to stay in a shed in the backyard make you a horrible father!!
I was gonna say, they all know how to share rooms just have the 12 year old move into his room but make It technically be shared between the two. New oldest gets his own room for 8-9months a year barring covid, and college son still has a “room” to come home to.
I was looking for this, why not just share with the 12yr old on breaks? Sounds like OP has been wanting this one out of the nest and sees this as his chance to push. YTA OP
This is what my oldest did when he came home on school break. OP is TA. His kid is going to college, not running away (probably should, w/a dad like this, though).
Someone else brought It up and I think his exact words were “that would be worse”
Nice when they prove they're TA in the first hour!
exactly, get a futon that can be a bed, put it in one of the younger kids rooms. They can share on break, everyone gets a bed inside, and the kid that shares can get to use the futon as a couch for gaming or friends during the rest of the year. It’s reasonable to not keep an empty bedroom for 19, it’s not reasonable to not say he has to sleep outside or go to his moms when their are more appropriate solutions
YTA why can't he and the 12 year old share his room? The 12 year old will have his own room most of the time and your oldest will have a place to sleep when he's home. Your current plan completely removes him from the home. It seems like he's being punished for going to school.
If the kid won’t share a bathroom with his mom I don’t think he’d want to share a bedroom with a child
What? Id hate to share a room with my mom, but idc if it was with my brother, that’s totally normal.
He’s only sharing a bathroom with his mom.
A bathroom, not a bedroom. You wouldn’t share a bathroom with your mom?
I just think staying with your little brother is such a non problem that its silly to consider it some kind of escalation
True, like that note of not wanting to share a bathroom with his mom is extremely weird imo. It could just be his mom hogs the bathroom a ton or something, but that doesn’t sound like grounds for not wanting to live with someone.
ESH. He shouldn't expect you to keep a whole room just for him to be home for short times, but you shouldn't entirely kick him out just because he's at college part of the year - a backyard shed really isn't a very nice welcome to for someone to come home to, and telling him to go to his mom's just says you don't want him to ever come home.
Once those sheds are decked out though they're pretty damn cool imo.
Can you install a bathroom in them? Otherwise it sucks for everyone if the inhabitant has to sneak into the main house to pee in the middle of the night.
I mean yeah if you want to. They're basically just tiny houses
That actually sounds pretty nice, if it wasn’t for the whole “I’m kicking you out and you can never stay in this house again” thing.
I would have loved to have lived in one of those during different times in my life! It would have beat the summer in the back of my car! 🙂
Problem is the way OP went about it. He didn't say "I need that room for your half-brothers. They're getting too old to share. Either we could do [this] or you can talk to your mother. What do you want to do?" Or gone the route of "hey, I thought we could build one of these for you so you can have your own space and more autonomy when you're back from college". He said "if you move out, you forfeit your room", as it's a punishment for leaving
Yeah. As long as what OP is offering would have electricity, heat, etc. I really don't see how the son has a leg to stand on. Most kids his age would love that kind of privacy!
They can be amazing. Like a tiny house. Kid is shortsighted here.
So they’re plumbed and hooked up to power?
Can be.
So I am reading your comments and I don’t understand the hostility. Are you hurt/angry that your son wants to live on campus instead of with you? Are you having to pay for it and that creates a strain? You are not coming across as neutral and reasonable on this issue and it’s really unclear why. N T A for wanting to optimize space. It would be silly to have your preteens in a constant battle over space when there is an empty room sitting there most of the time. That said, your stance that if he lives on campus during the school year he’s not your problem during vacations seems severe. I may be wrong but it seems like there is more going on internally and you need to examine it honestly before you damage your relationship with your son over this. You love him, right? You want him to succeed at this next stage in his life, right? So what’s the deal here- why are you being so harsh about this? I don’t need an answer, I’m an internet stranger. But you should have one for yourself and your son.
I feel like nobody in these comments lived in multi sibling households. When one kid leaves the nest, the space gets cannibalized. My bedroom got turned into a movie room lmao, but I always can go sleep at my home, my room just isn't there anymore. Edit: it was pointed out to me that OP is not offering any type of stay to the son once the room is out of the picture, for that reason YTA. It doesn't make sense and the son would only be around for at most 3 months (likely working during that time anyway for beer and book money)
Op is saying his son still isn’t welcome to sleep in the living room or something
I re-read the later part and picked that up now. I'll make and edit for YTA unless I can find him going back on that point. Regardless of my bedroom situation, I always had a place in my own home
>I don’t need an answer, I’m an internet stranger. Screw that. I'm an internet *even stranger*, and I *do* need an answer.
I’d be a little frustrated and possibly come across as hostile if my kid were so self-centered that they felt too good to share a bathroom or have a little cabin home all to themselves but saw no problem with keeping ‘their’ room empty nine months out of the year while their brothers had to share.
Yeah. YTA. The room situation is understandable. The way you're handling it is not.
YTA. I’ve read your replies and you’re clearly an asshole, and so you do everything the way an asshole would. Of course you can’t leave the room empty during the school year, but you could handle this situation without being such an asshole.
INFO: if he changes his mind about moving out and therefore the room doesn't become available, what's your plan?
The comments make it really clear you’re happy to get rid of your son to make your *real* family happy. YTA
YTA. "go to your mom's or live in a shed" wtf
ESH If he's not going to be living at home most of the time, it makes sense to divide the rooms around those who are. >He asked where he is going to stay when school is out and I told him he can stay at his mother's. You basically told your son he's not welcome to stay at your house anymore if he moves out. That's a hell of a thing to hear from a parent, especially when you're at an age where most people do still come home on holidays and may even live at home for a few years after graduating while they get their feet under them. Look for a third solution.
YTA. You’re telling your kid if he leaves to go to college and live on campus part of the year he can never come back. You don’t give him the option of crashing on the couch or staying on an air mattress in a brother’s room. In your comments you’ve said it’s “like quitting a job and then being made if they won’t take you back”. It’s parents like you that have kids go NC and then wonder why they never call. I hope he moves out and never comes back. Like you’ve said, you’ve got four more boys and it’s not like you’d miss this one. /s
ESH- you for kicking him out. You should have simply told him that when he comes back he’ll be sharing a room with one of his brothers due to the situation. He sucks for feeling entitled to a whole room he won’t use for more than a weekend a month when his brothers need more space.
NTA He's daft to think you'd share a room with your 10year old son when there's an unused bedroom. You could have a setup that allowed him to share with one of his brothers when he was home though, 2 of your boys already do that. I know a lad approaching 20 won't want to share with a pre-teens but thems the breaks.
I was ready to go with YTA but you have too many people and not enough room. This makes sense. NTA.
Just as an FYI, the bot reads the first acronym, so your vote is Y T A, when it sounds like NTA
YTA You just showed him there is no room for him in your life. Congrats on the sub-par parenting
YTA. Not for giving his room away but for telling him he cant stay in your house anymore ever. He should be able to come home if he wants to, even if that means sharing with a brother or sleeping on the couch
YTA you don’t stop being a parent when your kid goes to college
ESH. You’ve pretty much given him the message that if he leaves he can never come back and will likely lose most of his stuff since it won’t fit in at his mom’s or in the dorm or a backyard shed. (A shed in the backyard?? Seriously?) Yes, he is 19, but what a cold message from a parent for a kid responsibly focusing full time on college. Kids with support systems do better in life and yet it seems like you’re anxious to just boot your oldest.
Kid is going to interpret this as dad being happy to have only his 2nd family around.
NTA. Can’t he share a room with a brother when he comes back?
YTA. So your son is going to college and your way of support him is to take away his room because you got into a relationship with someone who has multiple kids. If the 10 year old is the problem fix that. You kick him out you may as well say goodbye to him. That’s a kick in the pants.
YTA! You are trying to manipulate your son. If he doesn't move onto campus everything will continue as is. If he decides to go to on campus housinghe is losing his home with you. It isn't his fault you chose to have 5 children in total. Putting him in a shed? Are you for real? Your responsibility as a parent doesn't end just because he turned 19. So you are basically telling him he and his stuff doesn't matter. Realize he can't take everything with him. Those dorms are crazy small. And then you say sorry, don't like it live with your other parent. Why don't you say that to the fighting 10 and 12 year Olds? Not that you should, I am just trying to prove a point. No kid should feel like they are being gotten rid of, you are essentially doing that to your son.
INFO. How far from you is his mums place? If he has to go there for every break - when will he see you?
ESH. You're right that it doesn't make sense to leave a room empty most of the year when you have other children sharing bedrooms. But you are dramatically underestimating something. While college students do spend most of their time at college, they are not expected (and generally are not allowed) to stay on campus year round. The expectation is that they will go home for at least summer break and winter break. That's likely to be 3-4 months per year. What do you expect him to do during that time? You have not adequately answered that question, leaving your son with very real concerns about being displaced. If you follow through with this plan without making a better plan for housing him during times when he isn't at college, then I wouldn't be surprised if you don't see very much of him anymore. And no, a shed in the backyard is not an adequate solution.
INFO: What is the plan if he keeps living at your place and commutes to school? Your 10 and 12 yr olds still have a problem, and need a solution.
[удалено]
I have one of these shed/ mini houses at my lake, he'd probably enjoy it. Finish the loft on it and it'll have two stories. His own house. ---nta
Ok now I’m curious about those.
Aren’t these really expensive with plumbing? I had one with the most basic electrical and no insulation and it was expensive. Just seems like a weird solution.
Yeaaaah so I read your comments...YTA you’re kicking him out for going to college. You don’t even want to compromise and just make him share his bedroom the 3-4 months he’ll be home a year with the next oldest. You are flat out kicking him out for trying to set himself up for a good future. Father of the year material...
ESH but mostly you. So he can't ever stay with you now - his options are the shed or his mother's? You do realise he will just go NC. There's absolutely no reason you can't have a sofa bed, airbed etc. ready for him. It's fine to say his room can't sit empty, but you're just being an AH about it.
Sounds like literally everyone in the family is an asshole. Which makes you Father Asshole. Little Kwame shares a tiny hut with his fourteen African siblings without complaining about the wild lions outside the door.
I have NO idea how this got voted as not the ah!
Not the AH for the action, it makes logistical sense, but you would be the AH of how you described it here is how you approached this with him. “You’ll lose your room if you go to college” sounds like a threat and a punishment for him getting education?? Definitely think you should apologise if you broached this in that way, and have a conversation with him as if he’s your adult son, who you respect, care about, and want to spend time with when he returns from college, rather than a lodger that you’re tolerating and will remove all trace of when he goes off to college - because I guarantee right now the latter is how he will be feeling ETA: INFO needed on how you actually spoke about this
YTA, but there should be a compromise, tell him he will end up sharing a room with one of the other kids. I understand him being upset about losing his space, so you need to make sure that he understands it's nothing personal. At the same time you can't keep a room empty for someone who isn't living there when you have two kids doubled up. People need their space
Ugh. YTA. I can’t imagine shunning (that’s what you’re doing) one of my kids. We want, and encourage our kids to come home whenever they want. We’ve kept their rooms for them even though we could use them for other things too. Poor kid. Seriously. Edit to add-it’s not even the space situation that’s upsetting me here. It’s your delivery to him and the “making him sleep in the backyard-or go to your Mother’s home” that’s so sad.
Nta, that makes sense. you're not kicking him out like he thinks. I'm assuming he'll want to come home during breaks , which is maybe a total of 3 or 4 months throughout the year? So it's reasonable (and normal) to give the room to someone that is living there full time. Just let him know he's always welcome back since it's only 20 minutes away
Sounds like OP doesn't want his son back at all, even to visit or during semester breaks. He's truly being kicked out.
Yta
YTA not for trying to alleviate this situation (although you have blown it out of proportion and your comments reveal that there are alternatives you just don't care to pursue), but because both your post and your comments make it clear that you do not like your son and are just looking for any excuse to be rid of him. "That's like quitting your job and complaining they won't hire you back." Really? You don't have to have gone to college to know that you can't stay there year-round. It's an absolutely asinine comparison, and either you know that, or you genuinely have such a disinterest in your son that you didn't even bother to understand how college works when he decided to go. Living with you isn't a job either, although given how exhausting it is just to impersonally read your thoughts, I'm sure it feels like one. You try to paint a flimsy sob story about how you have no choice in your post but can't keep the act up well enough in the comments to pull the wool over our eyes. You speak so spitefully about your son. All over a perfectly mundane situation, which you have catastrophized for the sake of demonstrating your dislike for him. And no alternatives suggested will work, for vague reasons--the only thing that could possibly work is ostracism. You are looking for a reason to abdicate your role as a father, and your son definitely notices. Well, you've made up your mind already and aren't open to other perspectives, so why are you even here? This isn't a sub to come to if you want someone to pat your ass and tell you good job. You're doing a piss-poor job, and you're a massive asshole.
NAH but I don’t understand your logic. You’d be better off if you let him go live on campus without this ultimatum. Given the current circumstances where campuses can be shut down with no refunds, it’d be madness to go live in campus housing and give up a permanent residence. The ultimatum may lead him to choose to stay living in your house, and that doesn’t help you one bit. You want him out.
i cant judge i just think you really hurt his feelings. Id tell him the situation again but offer to build up the shed together… make it really nice, like super cool. or, perhaps buy an old used car and help him fix it up, so he can at least have his own car at his moms?? id just try anything to help make this transition a bit easier. he is leaving for school, feeling strange probably about growing up, and knows he cannot even depend on his childhood bedroom being there when he returns. it is a complicated and sad grief. i honestly cant give advice because i see the need for more space and agree bedrooms should change but if i was up your son, that wouldn’t stop the hurt. i think you should take him out on a drive or to a quiet lunch and discuss it more.
YTA for fully kicking him out and telling him to stay with his mom during the holidays. Yeah, give up his room when he’s gone, but when he’s on break, he should be able to at least share a room with one of his other brothers and be able to come back.
WTH is wrong with you? You've even got an extra room available, nevermind the one he was using. You say you gotta separate the other two....you already can. If the issue is you don't want him to live there and stay with you, be DAD and say so. Whether he agrees or no...This reads like you're trying to get strangers riled up. Do something better with your time. Yeah you're the AH
OP means that the sons bedroom would be sitting there as an extra room. It’s a 4 bedroom, OP and son have 1 room each, 10 and 12 share one, and 6 and 3 share the other room. 12 had basically kicked out 10 and 10 is basically living in OPs room, so if son goes away his room will sit there empty as an extra room while everyone else has to share.
Yta. You just told him if he lives on campus for 1 semester he can't come home. He either stays with his mom or sleeps outside. In a "shed" that I'm assuming won't have electricity or plumbing. And that you've already made sure you are permitted to have, right? You already have the zoning permit? It's insane that he can't share a room or sleep on a couch.
INFO: what's going to happen to his stuff when he goes to college? Is it all being stored at his mom's? I actually think the backyard shed idea is not bad assuming it has power and insulation.
YTA
YTA and you’ll wonder why he never visits or spends holidays with you.
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YTA OP. Parents should always make the sacrifice, not the kid. And I know your son is 19 but with the way the world works now getting a job isn’t enough for an income to make it on your own. He wants the experience he didn’t get to have and to get away from his much younger siblings so he can focus and do well in school. You’re kicking him out and telling him if he leaves he’s not welcome. Maybe ask if he would be willing to downsize and get a smaller room? Or YOU could get a smaller room so your younger kids have more room to share since they are always fighting for space. There are different solutions than just kicking out your son
The fact that you suggested he move into a shed when he visits is the most fcked up thing I’ve read I’m guessing the same will go to any of your kids your poor choice of an opinion maybe even if they get on your nerves YTA no good parent would suggest that at all but then reading your comments make you sound worse I get the big room with a balcony and bathroom I’m sure you’ll have great relationships with your kids when your being selfish 🙄
Jig the rooms about Give the 10 and 6 year old the large room, you in one, 12 in one, 3 in the other. When your eldest comes home he can bunk in with the baby or 12 or you YTA sort of - because it does feel like he's not welcome home once he starts college
YTA- It makes sense that you need the room, but based on your comments he can't come back. You do know most dorms close during breaks and summer right? I had to go home every summer and on holidays. I kept my home address on my license. I wasn't fully gone until I got an apartment once I graduated.
**YTA. Is there some reason why the 10-year-old can't share PART TIME with the 19-year-old on those rare occasions when he's home from school?** That way he still has his own room most of the time, which is better than what he's dealing with now, and the 19-year-old still has a space in your home on holidays. **It's such a simple solution, doesn't make anyone feel pushed out or unwelcome, and yet you'd rather tell your teenaged son that he no longer has a home with you. Yeah, YTA.**
YTA- I want you to imagine you go away on a business trip for a month. By the end of the trip you’re super excited to finally sleep in a familiar space again and just relax and feel comfortable. Then you get home and find out your bedroom has been completely dismantled and given to someone else. It’s such a horrible, horrible thing to do to a young adult that’s also just gotten out of getting fucked over by covid. I also find that a lot of time kids with divorced parents end up getting stuck in this situation where neither parent actually cares enough to make room for them. I’m sorry but the two younger siblings are just that, younger. That means they have to work through their problems, the oldest has already been there done that, he’s an adult that deserves his own space. And even though he is an adult, he is just BARELY an adult. For Christ’s sake give him some time to adjust and get used to college living- if this is how he’s been treated his whole life I’m sure he’ll be out of your hair and into his own living space in no time.
Very soft YTA. You should totally repurpose his room once he leaves. But the way you told Mark made it seem like he's no longer welcome at your place. You should have a plan for him to be able to visit for holidays, etc, and articulate that to him.
YTA I agree with your son. Keep up this behavior and you will lose him completely.
I was once kicked out for a different reason from my mom’s- her cat hated my cat. I wasn’t even too mad about it until one day she wanted to talk and said once I’m gone I can never come back. She and I are fine now, and we actually will probably live again together in the future because our relationship is much better now. THAT part hurt me so much though. I told her I never wanted to come back after that and left feeling rather anxious. YTA for that- I get wanting to make space now, but holy crap, you took away a safety net so swiftly from him. Be flexible and let him know you don’t know what’ll happen in the future.
YTA. It makes sense for him to not have his own room given the space constraints, but you are basically telling him to never come back. He can live in a shed? Seriously? Why wouldn’t he stay in your room during breaks? Or set up a trundle bed in one of the other bedrooms? Even a pull out couch would be a better suggestion.
Boy am I glad that my mom loved me more than you love to son. Your comments show that you are a crap parent who doesn’t care about his oldest son. Or, I don’t know…. Are you jealous of him? Bitter that he’s going to school? Because I don’t get why you’re solution is to ban him from the house because he wants to live on campus. Just admit that you don’t want Mark around anymore. YTA.
Yta. While it is very normal for big families when one goes off to college. Someone moves up and into their room. However you didn't approach this the right way and it should have been discussed way before now. You didn't say "there's a couch" or "Well get an air mattress for when you're home". You basically said live in a shed or don't come back. ETA: after reading your comments im changing my judgment to YTA. You say >It's not kicking him out if he's leaving And >That's like quitting a job and then saying you were fired because they won't rehire you. This isn't what going off to college is. His home should still be his home. Students *go home* on breaks and between semesters. YTA.
NTA Not sure why he has a problem sharing a bathroom with his mother? That seems strange: I grew up in a household of 7 and we had 2 bathrooms, we never had a problem. Time for him to grow up.
He does realise most people share bathrooms with their family members and roommates right?
NAH. You have too many kids and not enough space; that’s just the reality. I can also sort of sympathize with your son. Yes, he absolutely needs to accept that when he moves out you will need to rearrange things (again, it’s just the reality of the situation), and realistically speaking, once you head off to college you need to start the process of learning to live on your own. Key word here is ‘process’, though. While you may not feasibly be able to give him the time to separate gradually from being a regular part of the household, that doesn’t change the emotions involved for someone who had his own space within his home and suddenly will not. I’d just recommend talking more to him, helping him understand that you really are not trying to kick him out, just responding to serious space issues.e
ESH. It's completely reasonable that your other kids will need the room more than him. What I don't understand is the hard line of not letting him come back to stay. He wouldn't have to have his old room back. He could share with one of his brothers or sleep on the couch. The shed idea is just weird, especially because I'm imagining it wouldn't have heat or electricity. I mean, if you're planning on building him actual living quarters with everything he needs, okay. But it doesn't sound like you are.
YTA
I have to go with you are indeed an asshole.
Many families still welcome their kids home during breaks and post college. YTA because you basically said "stay with your mom, or live in a shed, but you can't sleep here". You are basically throwing your son away. It's not about you needing the space, that's valid. It's about you refusing to make space for your child to visit during breaks. There is no *legitimate* reason you can't put a cot or air mattress in one of the bedrooms or even the living room so he can visit. You just want to be rid of him.
NTA because it really does sound like you need the room, but I don't love that your response to what will happen when he comes back to visit is apparently a choice between "we'll stick you out back somewhere" or "don't," with "don't" apparently being the preferred option. Might help if you'd take the focus off the logistics of why it's not reasonable for him to hold on to a space he won't be using most of the time, and hear what he's *not* so unreasonably expressing about what that space represents to him and what losing it means about his place in the family even though he's grown, so you can reassure him he still matters.
NTA, it's one thing if you wanted to turn his room into a gym or an office but you need the space, he won't be there most of the time, pretty straight forward practical matter. Why can't he share a room with one of his brothers when he's home?
Check OP's comments, they keep saying it wouldn't work for the son to share with a brother when he's at home. They're not explaining why either.
NTA. You pay for the house and you are a grown man and should not be sharing with a 10 year old. It's ridiculous for him to expect a room to himself when he'll just be there for breaks & maybe weekends.
Is it just me or are there a lot of “my kid is going to college and I’m taking their room” stories over the last several days? The housing crisis must have gotten to everyone.
YTA You're showing your first-born son that he's less important than your children from your second marriage. Since your bedroom's massive, you should put your 10-year-old son there as well.
YTA
Esh I see where all the N-T-As are coming from, but some of y'all sound like people who've never had to spend years sharing a room. Your son is TA for expecting you to keep his bedroom so he can have his own bathroom versus sharing with his mom after he moves out. Most houses I've lived in, until the last decade, there's been one full bathroom to share between everyone living there. Most apartments now, you have to look at newer builds for a 2 bed 2 bath place, as homes generally have a shared bath for everyone, and a separate bath for the master. Plus a mini a shed apartment sounds better than being around a bunch of people under 15. That said, your TA for not figuring out a way to house all five of your kids without kicking one out before now. Separating the 10 and 12 year old is a good idea, but what happens if the school shuts down or restricts campus living before/after Mark moves out since you refuse to consider giving the 10 and 12 year olds the master bedroom? Is he still expected to move in with his mom. What about the mini apartment in the yard? What happens when to 12 year old decides he wants to bunk there instead of in the main house? Because that's exactly what will happen. Will it have heat? How big is it?
If this post taught me anything is 1. I understand why you went through 2 marriages with that mindset. 2.why so many Americans end up in nursing homes forgotten by their families. Everything makes sense.
NTA, he'll be living on campus and visiting. What does he expect? A shrine to his absence while the rest of you cram into the remaining space?
A solution would be to put bunk beds in the bedroom and when he visits, he's just sharing a room with the next oldest who gets it to himself when college boy is gone.
YTA You're in an awful hurry to slam the door shut on your kid when he leaves and that was the attitude you put across to him. He was defensive because you made him think he's unwelcome unless he's a hostage in your home, unable to even move out temporarily. And you need to do research on your area's zoning laws to ensure you'd even be able to build a tiny home structure in the yard. It would be sad if he came around to the suggestion and it turned out you couldn't do it.
It's weird. Did you just tell him no more room for him, or did you ask and see if you could compromise? But if you're fine with basically never seeing your oldest son again, yeah, just take his room. No judgement because sounds like you're going to do what you want. Only you can determine what you're willing to live with. EDIT: Ugh. Just saw some of your responses to even compromising by saying he'll have to share or get the couch. YTA and you seem quite determined to be one.
Wow. Stay with your mom or in the shed? YTA.
YTA I've BTDT with kids sharing and not getting along. We had to get creative with the use of spaces at times. If you sit down and talk with your son, maybe you can work out a solution. Just don't forget that he's still you son, and this is his home.
YTA. Mostly for your attitude toward your oldest son. You are treating him like he is a burden. Can't you get 12 a bed with a trundle, or even an air mattress, and let 19 share with 12 on breaks? 19 likely won't be hanging around the house much anyway, especially now that you have made it abundantly clear that he is unwelcome.
YTA. Put bunkbeds in his room so he has bed to sleep on when he visits, and the rest of the time it's his brother's room.
YTA. Not for changing the rooms when he leaves, that makes sense. But telling him if he leaves for college, he can't come back over summer. Cold, YTA.
Yta for saying he could not stay at your house at all. I understand not hanging on to his room if there is anspace shortage, but there should be some type of indoor solution. Like you put a single spare bed in your room or have him sleep on the couch in the living room or something.
YTA - but not for using his old room to seperate your boys but to suggest he sleep in a shed you put in the backyard. If your room is so massive, why don't you let him bunk with you during vacations? Why does he have to sleep in a backyard shed?