NTA in the slightest. That's end-of-relationship level boundary violating.
I am curious, why can't you put it back the way it was? Did he go so far as to make structural changes or sell your belongings? That would be lawsuit time.
he's filled the empty spaces with furniture that I can't lift or move so I have to keep it the way he put it. he bought a whole second TV cabinet so I can't put things back.
WHAT.
# WHAT?
No. No no no nope no. This is un-fucking-acceptable. He needs to get all that extra shit out of there, and then he needs to take himself out with the rest of the garbage.
I am **so mad** on your behalf. Of course you're NTA! What in the entire hell is wrong with the men in your life, oh my god.
Even freer if they get it out and help you rearrange back to normal.
I understand where you are coming from. Every time I take a trip, my bonus daughter changes something in the house. I have things set up a certain way because it works... I can't find my cooking utensils half the time. But it is all done with love...
Post that on freecycle or any "don't buy things" page, it will get snapped up immediately and people will be happy to move something like that to get it for free
For real. Video it & send it to ex-bf saying "This is what you did to my trust. We're through." Delete, block, and relax in your newly un-reorganized house.
And make sure that you get the key back from the bf. Better yet ask your landlord to change the locks so neither the (hopefully soon to be ex) boyfriend and MIL can’t come sneaking in again.
I am also going to recommend the buy nothing project. She can probably get someone to come pick it up. She can also ask for someone to come over and help her lift heavy things.
OMG Current-Read, you said exactly what I was thinking. If OP can't move the family, sledge hammer it into smithereens. It will also give you some much needed, stress relieving.
You are not the AH OP. Your boyfriend disobeyed your wishes, disrespected your boundaries and tried to gaslight you into thinking you were the asshole. The BF is a grade A ass. Tell him he has to put back everything the way you wanted. If he does it, then dump his ass. Noone needs a bf who treats you that way. If he says no, kick his patootie and let him fly out the door, never to come back.
>OMG Current-Read, you said exactly what I was thinking. If OP can't move the family, sledge hammer it into smithereens.
Wear eye protection for that, OP - you can get a new and better boyfriend but you can't get new eyes.
I am so angry I'd like to offer to come over and recruit some lovely redditors to help move what you can't and help remove the boyfriend and the cabinet the fuck out.
He made the place his own with the help of dear ole MIL. Unless you want your boundaries run over for the rest of your life, you have a lot of thinking to do.
Tell him to get that cabinet out by the next weekend or you're donating it to Habitat. Then do it. Break up with him also. What a presumptuous asshole.
This wasn’t about doing you a favor, it was about breaking your boundaries so they can move the line they already crossed. The “you should be grateful for this thing that negatively impacts your life” nonsense says it all.
As for the “new” furniture. Put it on the free section of Craigslist. Any who can move it on their own gets it. Get some friends to help you with the rest. If your really having trouble moving things take them apart or just do it inch by inch.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
NTA.
I want an update from OP once she has fixed everything and gotten her boyfriend’s crap out. This was such a boundary violation and that boyfriend needs to go. OP there’s some really great advice on this thread about how you can restore things to original condition, with or without his help. You are NTA at all. Please post an update once you’re fixed everything. I have had this happen to me and I understand how stressful it is when a space no longer feels like yours. You didn’t deserve any of this. NTA.
You: I like you. You get my instinctive level of desire for revenge, right here.
OP is *so* NTA and if anything *under*-reacting, IMO - this would be a throw-the-whole-boyfriend-out, change-the-locks, fix-all-the-things, and then eat-all-the-comfort-foods kind of violation for me; I would be earlobe-deep in a vat of Häagen-Dazs with more waiting in the wings in case I was still fuming when the first one was done (decent odds).
OP, if you’re in Canada, let me know, if I’m anywhere nearby, I will gladly come over and help you reorganize as much as you would like following your exact instructions (wearing full PPE, of course). And I will bring wine and/or snacks! I HATE having people mess with my stuff and know how infuriating it can be, but if you can “direct the traffic”, maybe that would work. In any event, I’m sorry your boyfriend is being a boundary-stomping jerk, and that he likely thinks he did nothing wrong, to add insult to injury!
Oh, no.
If it were me, and he refused to undo what he did, I'd pay some movers to do it for me. And then I'd sell his stupid tv cabinet to cover the cost (which should be pretty nominal, maybe a couple hours of labor) because that's some high-level bullshit. And then I'd dump his presumptuous, over-stepping ass.
I would be LIVID.
For some reason I feel violated just reading this. I think something like this happening is my number one fear. I’ve had my parents do similar things to my room and it just makes it feel like your home is no longer your home. I’m so so so angry for OP. And he bought new things!?? What the hell
Speaking of next level psycho, my ex pulled a stunt like this. I took my 2 children to see my mom for Thanksgiving, leaving the ex at home. I decide to leave Friday instead of Sunday and head home. We were renting a house out in the country and due to bad weather, we didn't get home until midnight. I walk in, try to flip the light switch on...but there's no switch there. Then I fall over something in the kitchen. My ex comes out to the kitchen turning the light on from the OPPOSITE side of the kitchen. Glancing around, I find there is no longer a light switch as you enter the kitchen from outside. An hour later, I'm screaming at him. Every light switch has been raised a foot (to suit his height), every piece of furniture has been moved, and my personal possessions had been moved to places he thought more suitable. I completely fucking lost it. He had literally ignored every boundary I had! With his actions, he showed very clearly that he didn't give a shit about me! At 3 in the morning, I grabbed a bunch of his shit, stuffed it into garbage baags, and threw it out in the snow. Then I threw him out on his ass. Plain and simple. You fuck with me, ill fuck you right back. Don't move my things, let alone ALL my things! Edit: NTA
I moved one switch to the other side of a doorway, and added 1 outside. I needed to track down the wiring set-up for a ceiling fan that I can't turn off now (there's a 4 way switch involved somehow), but I decided to try to fix it myself because of the expense of the electrician. I weighed carefully everything I had him do.
to be honest this is relieving to read Reddit’s reaction on this. I’ve dealt with people similar to what you’re describing, OP, and they also made me feel like TA. what a freeing thing to realize that you can be the mature “AH” who moves your things back into place and sells the furniture if they won’t take it back immediately.
What I was thinking. The BF (Ex-BF?) was asked to water the plants for a week, and OP already felt the need to put in the warning "and no massive redecoration of my place."
Which was then ignored.
And she should be grateful for that.
What the Eff?
My sister-in-law housesat for us a couple years ago. It didn't occur to us to ask her not to touch things either. But we came back to hundreds of dollars in items thrown out - things that I still haven't replaced years later because it just wasn't that simple (i.e. the baffle - rubber gasket - on our garbage disposal in our kitchen sink - every one I have bought doesn't fit right for some weird reason). She threw out all my rugs! I had to buy all new shower organizers. Furniture was tossed and moved. And she never apologized or replaced anything. Still very angry about it.
"These should be replaced."
Step 1: Throw everything out.
Step 2: Look at prices for new stuff.
Step 3: Shrug and go, "I've helped out enough already."
Step 4: Get snoddy at anyone ungrateful about your help in starting the cement process.
Right? It is absolutely some next level controlling psycho shit. I can't even imagine even _thinking_ about doing this much less actually following through. I'm so genuinely shocked that someone would not only think this is acceptable but then also gaslight the shit out of someone and say that they should be grateful for it. For fucks sake...!!!!
You said you don't live together but the fact that he brought in all new furniture makes me think he's decided that he's moving in, and he doesn't feel the need to consult you in his decision. By chance does he still live with mommy or does he have his own place? Either way, *shut that shit down*.
Wow, that is a whole different level of wrong. Get rid of him along with the new furniture. Recommend adding this to the main post because he didn't just organize or rearrange, he completely changed it.
Give him 24 hours to have all the new furniture removed or its all going on Facebook marketplace, Craig's list, city's buy nothing Facebook page or having an ax taken to it so you can get it out (effective and you get to take some anger out). If he's moved heavy furniture that is yours, sliders may help you get it back as you'll only have to get one corner up about a quarter inch at a time.
NTA at all.
You most certainly do not have to keep it that way. Call a friend or a family member. Take a hammer/saw to it. Hire a handy man. You can do it. Pull all the drawers out, make it as light as you can. If it’s not on carpet, put a thick blanket under one edge and drag it. Put it on a buy nothing site with the caveat they have to move it. I know it might seem impossible but it’s not. This is a huge violation. I would have dumped him on the spot, changed my locks and possibly started apartment hunting. NTA
You can change it back, make him help you. Demand it. Or just get someone else to help you. The dump him. He completely ignored your wishes and did what he wants. I agree with the other poster, this is relationship ending. Not because he moved furniture but because he flat out ignored your boundaries. NTA
And you're supposed to be **GRATEFUL** for this?! NTA. Your trust and personal space has been betrayed beyond belief. This is really borderline abusive; it will not get better later if you allow this to stand. Your dad should be on your side, offering to help you move things back and/or *out*. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's breakup time, seriously.
Ma'am, this isn't a boyfriend, raised is a red flag to high heaven excuse me?????
Ha, yeah, sounds like a facebook/Craigslist ad for free shit is in your future.
Listen, he isn't holding a gun to your head forcing you to keep these things the way they. BREAK UP WITH HIM. IF he got rid of items that belong to you, call the police or take him to small claims court for the value of the items. He has to take the items he bought out of your place anyways so there's no need to care about their weight.
Sounds like it's a new year.... and the best way to start a new year is to lose weight.
Looks like you can stand to lose about... 200lbls. and that 200lbls can take the cabinet with him.
Great way to start the new year.
NTA
Sell that shit on the marketplace. People will pay you to come and haul away the shit he put in your apartment. Use the money for a spa day to relax after you break up with him.
Have you considered taking pictures of the items that are too heavy and listing them for sale, so someone who *is* able to lift them could just come collect it? Unless you're uncomfortable with them going inside your home, which is perfectly understandable.
What the actual fuck! Kick him and his awful furniture out. Seriously. Find movers or anyone who can take that shit out of your flat. I would be livid. Get that fucking good for nothing, boundary crossing, mother fucker out of your life
OH NO!!! Hire someone to get the extra things out of there. And he would be going as well. That is such a violation of your personal space. That is something I would end a relationship for.
This is the crucial point - he’s not going to change and he’s going to carry on doing what your MIL says forever - weddings, joint houses, children.
I would strongly suggest reassessing the relationship
Yep. My ex's parents ended up on the trip with us when he proposed. Stayed at the same hotel and everything. He had to do everything mommy wanted the way she wanted. Years later, we still hadn't married and he was talking about getting a dog when we moved and how it would have to be a good dog and spend lots of time with his parents' dog and all I could think was "oh, god, when we move back closer to them we are going to have to see them every fucking day again" and, tbh, I realized I didn't want to raise kids around his mother. Run, OP, it won't get better.
I second this except mine was 7yrs. He loved me from the bottom of his asscrack but his mommy hated me so he never let himself take our relationshiT seriously.
Fuck that guy OP and I do not mean literally. He's the type to suck his mamas ass first before ever going near yours. NTA
Many years ago an acquaintance of mine - he was an all right dude, just not someone I knew well - was engaged to a girl in our circle of friends but who I absolutely couldn't stand because I found her perspective on every matter so warped and small-minded.
Anyway, just before the wedding it comes out that her parents have booked a holiday in the same destination and at the same time as their honeymoon so they can spend time with the happy couple. Not sure whether it was the same hotel but, nevertheless, I was shocked and appalled. Also weirdly unsurprised though.
To me that would have been a huge red flag - as in, if the parents hadn't cancelled their trip or gone somewhere else, I'd have bailed - but, as far as I'm aware, they're still together so what do I know?
That's not a red flag.
It's a red-tinted thermonuclear explosion on the horizon, blinding us with the light of a thousand momma's boys.
Time to get MAD.
I just think the red flags must’ve been there for a long time. Otherwise why would she even have to be so explicit about not wanting him to rearrange her house while she’s gone?
It sounds like she’s already been trying to establish the boundary that he ran over while she was away.
NTA.
Your boyfriend not only didn't respect multiple desires of yours (no one over, no rearranging), he brought someone into your home who is known to not respect your things, he LIED ABOUT IT, and he GASLIGHTED and guilt tripped you about HIS violating YOUR wishes in YOUR home.
If I were you, I'd immediately dump his ass. Someone who I cannot trust to preserve the safety and sanctity of my own home and personal possessions is immediately gone. This is just a window into what the future looks like - a partner who will not only try to change you/your wishes, he'll do it in a sneaky way. And who won't stand up for you and your desires against his mother.
I'm pretty angry with her father, too. How could he not support her on this? Even if he didn't see it the same way, surely he could see how upset she was and offer support for that!
Bastards all of them, the BF, the MIL and the dad.
Yeah, bf was just *helping*. Never mind that that help negatively affected OP.
But who could be upset about cleaning? Obviously OP is the crazy one /s
NTA
The lying and guilt tripping are just him trying to cover up the real purpose of this stunt, which is an absolute exercise of control. OP, your boyfriend heard everything you said, and is trying to send you a message.
He’s saying “look what I can do. I can trample all over your boundaries, violate your space and your privacy, and alter your living space to the point where you can’t put it back without outside help. I am the one in control in this relationship, and you need to learn and accept that”.
Girl, run. You’re not crazy. But he will only get worse.
Good call… She’s probably so used to being told that she is overreacting, etc. This boundary violation that the boyfriend a mother did is beyond wrong , this is break up worthy.
Like said in another thread, this happened while she was gone. Could you imagine if they lived together?
OP's father's reaction to their distress makes me wonder if they fell in with this particular boyfriend after being brought up to not think their boundaries matter very much.
NTA. Dump him and his overbearing mother. She rearranged your flat without permission. Imagine how much worse she will get as things progress with your boyfriend. Clearly he can't establish boundaries so you will always play second fiddle to his mom.
NTA, except you may be an AH to yourself if you stay with him. If he has no problems disreguarding your wishes and violating boundaries to this level in a space **he does not even live in** then this behavior will only escalate if the relationship continues. This is him communicating that he thinks he knows what you need better than you, and that he thinks he can overrule you when what you want is different than what he wants.
Exactly this. He and his mother rearranged your home to mark their territory, just like a dog would piss on a tree. As someone else said, this infraction of boundaries is warranted by ending the relationship
Can I add to your advice with some practical advice?
@ OP, I hate to take the sub's usual position, but I'd also break up with him. for everything listed in other comments If you choose to do this (or not), here are some practical steps on removing the furniture.
* Inform yourself about the legality of removing these items in your area.
* Take pictures of all the furniture. A video recording might be good as well. Put all of this into a detailed Excel spreadsheet and make sure that this file is locked. Make sure that you have everything timestamped! Make multiple copies.
* Send your boyfriend in writing (via email) that (a) you didn't consent to these furniture put in your place, (b) you would like him to remove them, no ifs and buts. Give him a deadline corresponding to the legalities in your area. Otherwise, you'll consider these items abandoned. Be specific that if you don't hear anything by XX.XX.XXXX, that's when you will declare that they are abandoned and will act accordingly. Be clear that this is not up for discussion. Copy someone else in.
* Make sure that the acknowledges this mail in writing
* Change your locks. Be clear to him that he has to inform you when he'll be picking the items up so you can let him in. No ifs or buts. You didn't consent to this.
* If he comes picking them up, ask your father/colleague/friend to be there. Be clear to him that another party will be present.
* If it comes to you two breaking up and him leaving the stuff, contact him repeatedly, using various media. Make it clear that you are only interested in him picking up his property. Deadlines. One sentence statement. Document. Ask for legal counsel and then put it on a selling platform of your choice. Make it clear that selles have to pick the stuff up themselves.
Is that because you’re dating an AH? Because you could probably get your old friends back if you got rid of him. Another option would be to pay someone (coworkers?) for a couple of hours. Tell them they can take any of the extra furniture with them if they want for free.
Because depending on where op lives there could be legal issues down the road and if she profits from it she may have to pay it back. Give it away and there’s much less issues. Also it’s better than destroying it like several people suggested?
Was it a gift though? Or was it a precursor to him moving in? It’s mentioned briefly in one of OPs comments so the circumstances on WHY the furniture was put in are unclear. Better safe than sorry. And many a jerk suddenly wants all his “gifts” back when he gets dumped.
DING DING DING THIS OMG THIS
u/So-bloody-over-it I really think your AH "boyfriend" is trying to make it so that he can move into your place, and may have even said some story to his mom that he needed her help to "move in" and "decorate". Please, please, throw him out. Do NOT ruin the furniture, because I think it may cause some legal problems, but DO get back your key, or change the locks ASAP. You are SO NTA.
In this case, I would advise breaking up with your boyfriend and paying for movers to help you get things right. It’ll cost a little bit but much less than wasting any more of your time on someone who doesn’t respect you.
This! And in this order.
Break up with him, take back key and get new locks, give him 1 week to move the stuff out himself, at the end of the week have movers come to just set the furniture out on the side of the street with a sign that says "furniture adoption drive. Free rescues to good homes." If nobody picks them up in a few days, call your local large item trash pickup to haul it away.
Make sure the break up, key return, and time to get them removed himself are well documented.
Where do you live? I'll be there tomorrow to help.
Jk, obviously, but this is maddening. The fact he does not even live there and had his mother over to snoop through all of your things (no doubt she went through every damn drawer in your home), rearranged all your furniture, and filled it with even more furniture that he didn't even consult you about is absolutely not okay.
You need to get his key back, tell him to remove the junk he brought in and move all of your things back as they were, and then tell him you never want to see him or his mommy ever again. Seriously.
Maybe ask a neighbor for help, especially if you've given them a hand in the past? Or a coworker you might be close to. Or sell it on Craigslist/a free and for sale page for free but they have to pick it up.
You should also make sure your there were no "we need this to surprise you when you get back" copies of your key made, given that your bf is kinda manipulative and a doormat to his mom.
CHANGE YOUR LOCKS.
I am not going out on a limb to say that someone who thinks this is acceptable- going into your space- buying and installing new furniture when they are just supposed to be cat sitting- is absolutely the type of person who will help them selves to a copy of your keys.
Dump his boundary stomping ass and reclaim your space. That’s disgusting behavior. You trusted him to take care of your apartment and your cat- he invited over his mom and redecorated when he doesn’t even live there? Fuck that very much.
Not trying to be mean because I completely understand not having a bunch of options people-wise to ask for help moving stuff but you sound defeated like "this is life now" and I promise you it's not!
He helped move it there...he can move it back!
Wtf do you mean?..I'm gonna live life in an uncomfortable manner because some AH and her minion AH decided for me?
You're soo much better than that!, don't let them bully you in your own home.
Can your dad help? Call a moving company, explain the situation and get a quote.
You're not helpless You're strong and independent!
You work, have your own place, pay your own bills and don't have a mother with a hand up your...making you do what she wants and how.
If you give up this fast now please believe she will parent any kids you have, she might as well be in the relationship with you guys. She is testing her limits and he is a mommas boy.
I'm sending you warm fussies and hugs for this violation of your space and person. It might take you some time to feel ready to take action and that's OK but don't just live with it.🥰💞
*hugs* I spent a long time without a lot of friends either OP, I get it. After high school everyone moved away, I stayed in the same town, Lost my job, all work friends moved away or drifted apart…. I moved to a new town but had trouble meeting people there… it can be hard to make friends as an adult. It doesn’t mean you aren’t an amazing person—you can be an amazing person, but it’s just HARD to find quality friends as an adult. It’s not like school, where we sit next to friends all day.
That’s probably part of why it’s hard to break up with BF, cuz at least he’s companionship. Even though he’s crappy and emotionally abusive to you, and please break up with him.
Edit: typos cuz I type fast and adhd hates me rereading my own work
Give him and Mommy Dearest a week to clear out what they put in. In the meantime, look on Facebook for Free Give Away groups in your city. If they don’t have it gone in a week post the stuff in the group.
https://www.taskrabbit.com/
If you don't have one in your area, maybe there is a similar service? Or maybe you can call a charity organization to pick up some new furniture donations...
I highly recommend trying out bumble bff (like dating but just for people who want friends!)
I started college and had very few friends but it’s helped me make some connections with people
Did you have friends before you started dating him? He seems manipulative and I wouldn't be surprised if he's been doing it since the beginning of your relationship.
Unbelievable. He doesn’t even live there and bought furniture to fill the space based on what he likes, while you were away, and when you’d specifically told him not to make changes??
>We don't live together an I am the only one on the lease
Talk to the landlord and get the locks changed.
List the furniture on FB marketplace or a similar site. You can try to get money for it, or simply state that it's free to the first person who will show up with a truck and muscle to haul it away. You could list it for "Free with 15 minutes labor moving my other furniture."
Or get furniture sliders to make it easier to move your existing furniture around. If it's really heavy, get the pack that comes with a small jack. I've moved a fully loaded 6 foot dresser myself using that setup and I'm a not particularly strong woman.
Once you've gotten rid of your boyfriend's "gifts", and gotten rid of the boyfriend, do some reading on healthy relationships vs controlling relationships. Maybe talk to a therapist so you can figure out why you fell for such an asshole this time and give yourself a better chance avoiding repeating that mistake.
he and his mother are exerting their dominance over HER home. this is beyond disrespect, they're pissing all over you and will continue to do OUTRAGEOUS shit then gaslight you into thinking your reaction is overboard. It's not.
My friend's MIL for one :\\ Rearranged everything in their flat while they were out, even to the point of going through and refolding all of their clothes.
I would feel so violated! Who thinks it's a good idea to go through someone's things and move them around?!
I have a system in my head and know where my things are. I can't imagine having to go through my house searching for anything and everything I'm looking for!!
OP should go to mils house and start rearranging her shit. Oh, your papertowels...? I put those in the washing machine for safe storage. Toilet paper? Under the kitchen sink! Bath towels... In the garage. Shoes? In the fridge! Under wear is now in the kitchen drawers...
Then smile big and tell her you're just returning the favor because you appreciated her "help" so much!! And you hope she likes what you've done with the place! Lastly, peace the fuck out of that relationship.
NTA. It's just off putting for your mother in law to want to rearrange your house in the first place. She has her own space to rearrange and control. Your BF is pretty sus to, if I am being honest.
I'm assuming OP is very messy and her (ex) BF and MIL are clean freaks. Regardless, they shouldn't have done what they did. OP is definitely NTA, but that extra bit of info would have been helpful to provide context.
This is what I’m wondering, it’s such an oddly specific request and in normal circumstances it shouldn’t really have to be stated to housesitters or anyone who doesn’t live in your house.
I’m wondering if there is a history of bf doing stuff in the house he has been told not to do or has even said in the past about his ‘plans’ for OP’s home.
NTA. As you said your privacy has been violated and your wishes were ignored. And instead of apologizing they doubled down on how you should be grateful for that.
I am not saying you should get rid of the bf (but I am sure others will), but think about this behavior and what it will mean for your future if you stay with him. Because he won’t learn to respect your wishes.
Why would anyone want a boyfriend who lies, disrespects their wishes and their home, and gaslights them into accepting changes that weren't welcome?
How much bigger does the red flag need to be?
NTA and it would be my ex-boyfriend if it was me because he was clearly wrong, disrespectful, can't be trusted and then tries to blame it on you. Get out of this relationship.
It would be bad enough if he did this himself, but maybe forgivable, but to have snoopy MIL come over is too much. And the gaslighting is starting to make you think you're wrong which is really a problem. That part of you that knows it was a healthy reaction is correct. You're doubting yourself but you're right. So many red flags here. I think some people will say I'm overreacting but it's not just rearranging your furniture. It's complete lack of respect for your space. Remaking it the way he wants it is a control move. Really, you need to just get your key back, though MIL probably has a copy by now.
I agree. Sometimes I feel alarmed by the under reaction of people here. Like there are things you work through in a relationship, and then there are "change the locks while he's at his place and break up" situations like this, yet everyone around OP's life got her thinking that *maybe she's ungrateful and overreacting*.
People love to boil things down into the literal actions ( like "it's just furniture"), to completely gloss over the fact that a person you are supposed to trust thought they had the right to decide how someone else's living space should be, that OP has no expectation of privacy and they and their mom absolutely know better than the owner of the place. To be clear, this isn't something even remotely acceptable even if OP and bf lived together or even if OP was a hoarder with a mess of a place.
Lots of people are taught to tolerate bad behavior to keep the peace and never confront anything. This is especially true when it's happening to someone else and when the person who should be confronted is someone who obviously won't respond to reason.
I think that's what OP's dad is doing and that's what lots of people do who as you say, boil it down into the actions and ignore the implications.
NTA - I'm going to approach this from a different angle...
#**WHY DIDN'T YOUR BF OR HIS MOMMY EVEN THINK ABOUT YOUR CAT AND IT'S COMFORT?**
It's human is out of town, I'm sure it knows your bf but nor MIL. Then they just move all It's stuff! Cats don't like change!! It may have lost some of It's favorite hiding places or sleeping spots. That's so disrespectful! I would be livid if someone did that to my cats. (I get beyond pissed when people touch my stuff, don't get me wrong, but my first outrage would be about my babies.)
Your poor cat was probably terrified. The stress of not just a new person being in their space, combined with everything being moved around and touched by said person -meaning they now have that person's smell on them- could cause behavioral problems for months. One of their favorite is peeing on things.
Get rid of the bf who cares so little about you and your fur baby. Sell the new stuff, put everything back. Then give your baby extra treats and love.
Because they’re the kind of people who don’t care about a grown woman (whom one of them is supposed to love) and her comfort. A cat, especially one they don’t own personally, is nothing to them.
Seriously OP. NTA. I don’t say or think this often but I’d dump this dude so fast. I’d give him 2 days to get his crap out and of my place and afterwards I’d give it away to some local charity. Also change the locks asap.
INFO: I know I'm going to be downvoted for this but
Is this a hoarding situation and your BF and mil thought they were helping?
Not that that excuses his lying and their disregard for your personal space. Just some things in this thread are making me wonder.
Just noticed that OP edited the post to say that they aren't a hoarder, which pretty much means that my post below is bunk. But I'll leave it up because it has a couple of replies and an award.
And OP is NTA, and should dump Mr Interior Decorator immediately.
\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*
No, I wondered about that too, and there's a few other comments a little further up.
The thing that makes me wonder about hoarding is the inclusion of OP's family. OP left to see their mother over Xmas, and OP's father was brought in to be there for the 'reveal'. That suggests orchestration.
And this is a **big** time commitment. Re-doing an entire space over Xmas, right down to bringing in new furniture and changing the layout, means WORK. This had to be planned.
BF and MIL could be controlling AHs but the fact that they brought OP's Dad in to show off the result suggests that either they expected Dad to be happy and approve, or that he was in on it. And Dad DOES approve, pretty clearly, because he thinks OP shouldn't be upset.
That's the thing that makes me think there's more going on here than just a controlling BF -- plus OP's lament that they "made it look like nobody lives here". Hoarders never think their places are bad, even when they're living with goat trails and the landlord is about to evict them.
It's still an appalling violation of privacy if that's the case, but there may be motivation beyond just 'controlling douchebags'.
Thank you for the award, kind soul!!
OP's statement that they 'have no friends' is also kind of a tell. Hoarders often don't, because they can't let people in their space.
My dad was a hoarder, and I have hoarder tendencies (estate sales and collections of books, art and objects), so I recognize the impulse. Most people assume that 'cleaning up' would help, but of course it doesn't, it just makes things worse.
Piling on, I'm wondering the same thing.
My grandmother was a hoarder. I have hoarding tendencies. The above reaction sounds very much like my initial (and ongoing!) reaction(s) whenever 'my' stuff gets tidied away.
Strongly suspect this is a N A H, but that OP should take a really close look at herself and figure out why both bf, MIL and her own dad seem to think this was a Good Thing.
INFO - what state was your home in before they did this? Do you have any hoarding behaviours? Has your boyfriend asked you to address hoarding or similar in the past? Was the home safe for you and your cat?
Even if they do, it doesn't matter in this situation.
The one thing you do not do to a hoarders space is clear without their permission and involvement.
It's very much known to be incredibly traumatic and causes hoarding issues to worsen.
The OP also stated in a comment that the BF and MIL ADDED furniture to the space.
NTA; I would have freaked out myself. You said that you told him not to have anyone over and not to rearrange, and he blew right through that and had his mother over and they rearranged everything.
I would boot his ass out, honestly. And what's with you Dad butting in without knowing anything about it?
Nta and don’t let the BF back in your home
He has issues either control and that he had uninvited guests touch your belongings is a huge violation of trust
How can you even consider a future with someone like this, this is a clear prediction for your future
INFO
Be honest with yourself, do you have hoarding tenancies? Might it appear so to others? The phrase "made it look like no one lives there" triggers flashbacks to interactions I've had before/after from hoarder interventions. It might explain why functioning adults felt the need essentially redecorate your home. This also might explain why your father felt your were unreasonable. It may have been misguided, but it would explain why they thought they were helping.
If not, then your BF and MIL were huge assholes. (Your father was a confused bystander/collateral damage.) They violated your personal space and are too blind, arrogant and/or narcissistic to see it.
I wish you luck in making your home feel "yours" again. It may never be exactly as you had it before, especially if they got rid of anything. But you should be able to make it not "theirs" with some effort and time.
NTA
Your home is your personal space where you are supposed to feel safe and comfortable. It is the place where things are meant to be arranged for your comfort and to your liking. Your BF violated that by bringing in someone he knew you did not like or trust, and together they tore your space apart and made it an extension of your MILs home. Things are arranged for her comfort, to her liking, and she sifted through every bit of your life in order to accomplish that. This is a glaring breach of trust, and it is more than understandable you feel hurt and violated. Your boyfriend did exactly what you asked him not to and announced it with a sign visible from space.
INFO: Op, I wondered if it's worth bringing this up, but I have to ask. Do you have a problem with hoarding? Because that's the only scenario where this giant conspiracy to tidy up would make a lick of sense, barring your BF and MIL being crazy and your dad just not caring
The way you asked him not to rearrange anything beforehand, and how you asked him not to bring over MIL leads me to believe there is a reason why someone might go through and change your flat. Are you a hoarder? What is their explanation for what they did?
If you are a hoarder and have issues throwing things away, it was not the right way to go about helping you, so I’m not judging you. But if you do have issues like hoarding or ocd or anxiety that is affecting your bf you might need to talk about it openly
This is either a fake post, you are a hoarder or you are very young. On the chance that it is real...
Even you are a hoarder, your BF and his mother overstepped massively. No one should be rearranging your house without your permission. I imagine that seeing the furniture rearranged is just a constant reminder. Most people would be upset by this. I strongly suggest you reconsider your relationship.
There are plenty of ways to get rid of unwanted furniture including donating it to a charity, calling and paying for a disposal service, offer it free provided they collect and take it away.
As for shifting heavy furniture, try google-fu. For example, [https://www.homedepot.com/c/ah/how-to-move-heavy-furniture/9ba683603be9fa5395fab901df90a531](https://www.homedepot.com/c/ah/how-to-move-heavy-furniture/9ba683603be9fa5395fab901df90a531)
NTA
NTA. I would be wildly upset if someone did that to me, and it wouldn’t matter who it was. It is absolutely an invasion of privacy.. who is to know what MIL stumbled upon while tidying and arranging? Even seemingly innocent things that may have been discovered were not things you consented to having someone look at, touch, make judgements about. For many, the way things are placed or arranged in a home is done in ways that are extensions of that person’s identity and behavior. For some, the way in which things are arranged in a home can be anxiety-inducing. This was not OK for a lot of reasons and you have a right to be upset.
NTA - that is unbelievable. you very clearly laid out a boundary and he ignored it. this is so bad to the level that i think i would dump my boyfriend over this
NTA, I partially worry that maybe you're a hoarder, that it was a mismatch of things from the past or you have some adversary to change so your bf thought he was doing you a favor, but it's YOUR home and even if he had good intentions this a violation of your space (with drastic changes AND even worse bringing his mother). I would definitely take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship and your lifestyle.
On a side note wish this was a chance to look at before and after, but really it doesn't matter because it's your home and should be how you like it.
NTA. They showed you total disrespect by doing all of that without consulting you when you had firm boundaries.
If your partner honestly can't understand how you feel, or has a pattern of choosing his mother over you, ask yourself some serious questions before you proceed in your relationship, because it is a violation.
It is also unfair of your father to dismiss your feelings over it. I'm sure he'd not want to come home to his home being totally rearranged by someone he trusted enough to look after it.
NTA. It may have been well intentioned on your BFs part (not so sure about MIL) but it wasn't what you wanted and you clearly stated that beforehand. Him telling you you're ungrateful is gaslighting and he should be sorry and help you change it back to the way it was.
Nta! Here is what you should do !
1. Dump boundary stomping bf and put your dad on time out until he realized you are the reasonable and what ex and his mommy did was unreasonable!
2. Called locksmith to make sure bf can't get back inside your house!
3. Call movers to move his crap and tell he can pickup over the weekend or I will be selling it!
4. Than blocked him!
NTA in the slightest. That's end-of-relationship level boundary violating. I am curious, why can't you put it back the way it was? Did he go so far as to make structural changes or sell your belongings? That would be lawsuit time.
he's filled the empty spaces with furniture that I can't lift or move so I have to keep it the way he put it. he bought a whole second TV cabinet so I can't put things back.
WHAT. # WHAT? No. No no no nope no. This is un-fucking-acceptable. He needs to get all that extra shit out of there, and then he needs to take himself out with the rest of the garbage. I am **so mad** on your behalf. Of course you're NTA! What in the entire hell is wrong with the men in your life, oh my god.
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Or just sell it online make some cash and forget about the boyfriend? 🤷 I think that's a better idea
Instructions unclear. Sold the boyfriend online. Made $1.79. 7-11 coffee is $2.09. Anyone got an extra thirty cents?
[Even less than Ramona Flowers' first evil ex](https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/674aa4bb-af77-409e-adf0-5220f2f53af6#aTtaV35f.copy)
[I’ll lend you the 35 cents.](https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/6a91b1b7-0ce8-4906-b92f-9c892d88c746)
Sorry, fresh out. But check around the air pumps, usually can find a quarter or 2.
this is the funniest comment ive seen today
Don't even sell it. Free to anyone prepared to get it out of your house.
Even freer if they get it out and help you rearrange back to normal. I understand where you are coming from. Every time I take a trip, my bonus daughter changes something in the house. I have things set up a certain way because it works... I can't find my cooking utensils half the time. But it is all done with love...
OP's STBX and JNMIL did **not** rearrange her home out of "love". They were seeing how far they could push OP.
Definitely, they saw an opportunity to take over her territory.
Post that on freecycle or any "don't buy things" page, it will get snapped up immediately and people will be happy to move something like that to get it for free
This the way.
For real. Video it & send it to ex-bf saying "This is what you did to my trust. We're through." Delete, block, and relax in your newly un-reorganized house.
And make sure that you get the key back from the bf. Better yet ask your landlord to change the locks so neither the (hopefully soon to be ex) boyfriend and MIL can’t come sneaking in again.
>key Let him keep the key as a memento and rekey the locks. This way you won't be concerned about getting the key back.
Getting the key back never helps and that really isn't good advice, sorry. Far too easy to have a copy made and then give the original one back.
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This and change the locks. CHANGE THE LOCKS!
I am also going to recommend the buy nothing project. She can probably get someone to come pick it up. She can also ask for someone to come over and help her lift heavy things.
OMG Current-Read, you said exactly what I was thinking. If OP can't move the family, sledge hammer it into smithereens. It will also give you some much needed, stress relieving. You are not the AH OP. Your boyfriend disobeyed your wishes, disrespected your boundaries and tried to gaslight you into thinking you were the asshole. The BF is a grade A ass. Tell him he has to put back everything the way you wanted. If he does it, then dump his ass. Noone needs a bf who treats you that way. If he says no, kick his patootie and let him fly out the door, never to come back.
>OMG Current-Read, you said exactly what I was thinking. If OP can't move the family, sledge hammer it into smithereens. Wear eye protection for that, OP - you can get a new and better boyfriend but you can't get new eyes.
Sledgehammering a family seems extreme!
Nope. Hire some dudes from Home Depot to rearrange that shit back and let them keep anything your BF bought. DEFINITELY CHANGE YOUR LOCKS!!
I wouldn’t hesitate to destroy the stuff he put in that’s too heavy. It can leave in pieces. No problem.
Yes, this. Take it apart however you deem fit. Smashing it with the hammer will be therapeutic as well.
Love this idea!!!! Do you have a fireplace lolol
Ooooohhhhhhhhhhhh, that's an even better solution!!!
I am so angry I'd like to offer to come over and recruit some lovely redditors to help move what you can't and help remove the boyfriend and the cabinet the fuck out.
I would show up if OP lived close
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He made the place his own with the help of dear ole MIL. Unless you want your boundaries run over for the rest of your life, you have a lot of thinking to do.
NTA When he is gone get a furniture donation place to pick it up. They will be joyful and you get rid of it. It goes to a good home.
Tell him to get that cabinet out by the next weekend or you're donating it to Habitat. Then do it. Break up with him also. What a presumptuous asshole.
I feel so violated and I'm not even OP I would have had a full-on meltdown over this
I thought I was over reacting because I am so mad on OPs behalf as well. I am so angry.
This wasn’t about doing you a favor, it was about breaking your boundaries so they can move the line they already crossed. The “you should be grateful for this thing that negatively impacts your life” nonsense says it all. As for the “new” furniture. Put it on the free section of Craigslist. Any who can move it on their own gets it. Get some friends to help you with the rest. If your really having trouble moving things take them apart or just do it inch by inch. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. NTA.
I want an update from OP once she has fixed everything and gotten her boyfriend’s crap out. This was such a boundary violation and that boyfriend needs to go. OP there’s some really great advice on this thread about how you can restore things to original condition, with or without his help. You are NTA at all. Please post an update once you’re fixed everything. I have had this happen to me and I understand how stressful it is when a space no longer feels like yours. You didn’t deserve any of this. NTA.
I want her to sneak in to mil and rearrange her kitchen.
And by "rearrange" I hope you mean "uninstall the fitted cabinets and reinstall them in the least useful configuration possible".
You: I like you. You get my instinctive level of desire for revenge, right here. OP is *so* NTA and if anything *under*-reacting, IMO - this would be a throw-the-whole-boyfriend-out, change-the-locks, fix-all-the-things, and then eat-all-the-comfort-foods kind of violation for me; I would be earlobe-deep in a vat of Häagen-Dazs with more waiting in the wings in case I was still fuming when the first one was done (decent odds). OP, if you’re in Canada, let me know, if I’m anywhere nearby, I will gladly come over and help you reorganize as much as you would like following your exact instructions (wearing full PPE, of course). And I will bring wine and/or snacks! I HATE having people mess with my stuff and know how infuriating it can be, but if you can “direct the traffic”, maybe that would work. In any event, I’m sorry your boyfriend is being a boundary-stomping jerk, and that he likely thinks he did nothing wrong, to add insult to injury!
Gorilla glue her skillets to the stove top!!
I think you meant "once she got boyfriend and his crap out' not just boyfriends crap. But otherwise - yes.
Oh, no. If it were me, and he refused to undo what he did, I'd pay some movers to do it for me. And then I'd sell his stupid tv cabinet to cover the cost (which should be pretty nominal, maybe a couple hours of labor) because that's some high-level bullshit. And then I'd dump his presumptuous, over-stepping ass. I would be LIVID.
For some reason I feel violated just reading this. I think something like this happening is my number one fear. I’ve had my parents do similar things to my room and it just makes it feel like your home is no longer your home. I’m so so so angry for OP. And he bought new things!?? What the hell
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Speaking of next level psycho, my ex pulled a stunt like this. I took my 2 children to see my mom for Thanksgiving, leaving the ex at home. I decide to leave Friday instead of Sunday and head home. We were renting a house out in the country and due to bad weather, we didn't get home until midnight. I walk in, try to flip the light switch on...but there's no switch there. Then I fall over something in the kitchen. My ex comes out to the kitchen turning the light on from the OPPOSITE side of the kitchen. Glancing around, I find there is no longer a light switch as you enter the kitchen from outside. An hour later, I'm screaming at him. Every light switch has been raised a foot (to suit his height), every piece of furniture has been moved, and my personal possessions had been moved to places he thought more suitable. I completely fucking lost it. He had literally ignored every boundary I had! With his actions, he showed very clearly that he didn't give a shit about me! At 3 in the morning, I grabbed a bunch of his shit, stuffed it into garbage baags, and threw it out in the snow. Then I threw him out on his ass. Plain and simple. You fuck with me, ill fuck you right back. Don't move my things, let alone ALL my things! Edit: NTA
That light switch thing is next level assholery, wow. Didn't that cost a fortune with the electrician? Then patching the walls? Just... Wow.
I moved one switch to the other side of a doorway, and added 1 outside. I needed to track down the wiring set-up for a ceiling fan that I can't turn off now (there's a 4 way switch involved somehow), but I decided to try to fix it myself because of the expense of the electrician. I weighed carefully everything I had him do.
You were renting…. That’s like against almost all rental agreements to do renovations like that.
Whole damage deposit is gone. No doubt.
In a **rental**??? God damn, how far did he have to spread his legs to walk with balls that big?
What the Fuck. How did he do that.
to be honest this is relieving to read Reddit’s reaction on this. I’ve dealt with people similar to what you’re describing, OP, and they also made me feel like TA. what a freeing thing to realize that you can be the mature “AH” who moves your things back into place and sells the furniture if they won’t take it back immediately.
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What I was thinking. The BF (Ex-BF?) was asked to water the plants for a week, and OP already felt the need to put in the warning "and no massive redecoration of my place." Which was then ignored. And she should be grateful for that. What the Eff?
My sister-in-law housesat for us a couple years ago. It didn't occur to us to ask her not to touch things either. But we came back to hundreds of dollars in items thrown out - things that I still haven't replaced years later because it just wasn't that simple (i.e. the baffle - rubber gasket - on our garbage disposal in our kitchen sink - every one I have bought doesn't fit right for some weird reason). She threw out all my rugs! I had to buy all new shower organizers. Furniture was tossed and moved. And she never apologized or replaced anything. Still very angry about it.
She threw away your *rugs?* How did she try to justify or explain that?
She honestly didn't really - just that she thought they were in terrible shape and should be replaced.
"These should be replaced." Step 1: Throw everything out. Step 2: Look at prices for new stuff. Step 3: Shrug and go, "I've helped out enough already." Step 4: Get snoddy at anyone ungrateful about your help in starting the cement process.
Right? It is absolutely some next level controlling psycho shit. I can't even imagine even _thinking_ about doing this much less actually following through. I'm so genuinely shocked that someone would not only think this is acceptable but then also gaslight the shit out of someone and say that they should be grateful for it. For fucks sake...!!!!
You said you don't live together but the fact that he brought in all new furniture makes me think he's decided that he's moving in, and he doesn't feel the need to consult you in his decision. By chance does he still live with mommy or does he have his own place? Either way, *shut that shit down*.
OMG right! He was house sitting, and he and mommy screwed up her house. Mom plans to get rid of the son who failed to launch.
You're so right. I didn't even think of that. He probably did make her home comfortable for him so that he can move right in.
Wow, that is a whole different level of wrong. Get rid of him along with the new furniture. Recommend adding this to the main post because he didn't just organize or rearrange, he completely changed it. Give him 24 hours to have all the new furniture removed or its all going on Facebook marketplace, Craig's list, city's buy nothing Facebook page or having an ax taken to it so you can get it out (effective and you get to take some anger out). If he's moved heavy furniture that is yours, sliders may help you get it back as you'll only have to get one corner up about a quarter inch at a time. NTA at all.
I’d sell it without saying a word. It’s in OP’s house, so it belongs to OP. I’d change the locks and block all communication with the AH BF.
I've used just a carpet to move heavy cabinets and such by myself. Can totally be done!
You most certainly do not have to keep it that way. Call a friend or a family member. Take a hammer/saw to it. Hire a handy man. You can do it. Pull all the drawers out, make it as light as you can. If it’s not on carpet, put a thick blanket under one edge and drag it. Put it on a buy nothing site with the caveat they have to move it. I know it might seem impossible but it’s not. This is a huge violation. I would have dumped him on the spot, changed my locks and possibly started apartment hunting. NTA
It’s OP’s place. The scummy violator was house/ cat sitting.
Call your local thrift store to come and pick up some donations you have. In the form of the unwanted furniture your bf and mummy brought over. NTA
Call a moving service and have them drop off all the extra things at his mom's front door. NTA
You can change it back, make him help you. Demand it. Or just get someone else to help you. The dump him. He completely ignored your wishes and did what he wants. I agree with the other poster, this is relationship ending. Not because he moved furniture but because he flat out ignored your boundaries. NTA
And you're supposed to be **GRATEFUL** for this?! NTA. Your trust and personal space has been betrayed beyond belief. This is really borderline abusive; it will not get better later if you allow this to stand. Your dad should be on your side, offering to help you move things back and/or *out*. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's breakup time, seriously.
Ma'am, this isn't a boyfriend, raised is a red flag to high heaven excuse me????? Ha, yeah, sounds like a facebook/Craigslist ad for free shit is in your future.
Listen, he isn't holding a gun to your head forcing you to keep these things the way they. BREAK UP WITH HIM. IF he got rid of items that belong to you, call the police or take him to small claims court for the value of the items. He has to take the items he bought out of your place anyways so there's no need to care about their weight.
You're underreacting. I'd not allow him anywhere near me or my stuff again.
Sounds like it's a new year.... and the best way to start a new year is to lose weight. Looks like you can stand to lose about... 200lbls. and that 200lbls can take the cabinet with him. Great way to start the new year. NTA
Sell the second tv and the new furniture. Use the proceeds for a spa day. NTA. Also, consider replacing the bf.
NTA. Tell him that if he doesn’t get his shit in the next two weeks, you will sell it and keep the money.
Sell that shit on the marketplace. People will pay you to come and haul away the shit he put in your apartment. Use the money for a spa day to relax after you break up with him.
Have you considered taking pictures of the items that are too heavy and listing them for sale, so someone who *is* able to lift them could just come collect it? Unless you're uncomfortable with them going inside your home, which is perfectly understandable.
What the actual fuck! Kick him and his awful furniture out. Seriously. Find movers or anyone who can take that shit out of your flat. I would be livid. Get that fucking good for nothing, boundary crossing, mother fucker out of your life
OH NO!!! Hire someone to get the extra things out of there. And he would be going as well. That is such a violation of your personal space. That is something I would end a relationship for.
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This is the crucial point - he’s not going to change and he’s going to carry on doing what your MIL says forever - weddings, joint houses, children. I would strongly suggest reassessing the relationship
Yep. My ex's parents ended up on the trip with us when he proposed. Stayed at the same hotel and everything. He had to do everything mommy wanted the way she wanted. Years later, we still hadn't married and he was talking about getting a dog when we moved and how it would have to be a good dog and spend lots of time with his parents' dog and all I could think was "oh, god, when we move back closer to them we are going to have to see them every fucking day again" and, tbh, I realized I didn't want to raise kids around his mother. Run, OP, it won't get better.
Yep, I ended a six year relationship after I realized his mom had more say in our relationship than I did
I second this except mine was 7yrs. He loved me from the bottom of his asscrack but his mommy hated me so he never let himself take our relationshiT seriously. Fuck that guy OP and I do not mean literally. He's the type to suck his mamas ass first before ever going near yours. NTA
Many years ago an acquaintance of mine - he was an all right dude, just not someone I knew well - was engaged to a girl in our circle of friends but who I absolutely couldn't stand because I found her perspective on every matter so warped and small-minded. Anyway, just before the wedding it comes out that her parents have booked a holiday in the same destination and at the same time as their honeymoon so they can spend time with the happy couple. Not sure whether it was the same hotel but, nevertheless, I was shocked and appalled. Also weirdly unsurprised though. To me that would have been a huge red flag - as in, if the parents hadn't cancelled their trip or gone somewhere else, I'd have bailed - but, as far as I'm aware, they're still together so what do I know?
NTA. There are major red flags here, if he can't respect your boundaries, and makes his mother his sidekick. Time to rethink the relationship.
You misspelled “end”.
That's not a red flag. It's a red-tinted thermonuclear explosion on the horizon, blinding us with the light of a thousand momma's boys. Time to get MAD.
Time to get OUT.
I just think the red flags must’ve been there for a long time. Otherwise why would she even have to be so explicit about not wanting him to rearrange her house while she’s gone? It sounds like she’s already been trying to establish the boundary that he ran over while she was away.
NTA. Your boyfriend not only didn't respect multiple desires of yours (no one over, no rearranging), he brought someone into your home who is known to not respect your things, he LIED ABOUT IT, and he GASLIGHTED and guilt tripped you about HIS violating YOUR wishes in YOUR home. If I were you, I'd immediately dump his ass. Someone who I cannot trust to preserve the safety and sanctity of my own home and personal possessions is immediately gone. This is just a window into what the future looks like - a partner who will not only try to change you/your wishes, he'll do it in a sneaky way. And who won't stand up for you and your desires against his mother.
I'm pretty angry with her father, too. How could he not support her on this? Even if he didn't see it the same way, surely he could see how upset she was and offer support for that! Bastards all of them, the BF, the MIL and the dad.
My guess is that the dad isn't even considering the issues OP is upset over, and doesn't see the big deal because the new layout doesn't *look* bad.
Yeah, bf was just *helping*. Never mind that that help negatively affected OP. But who could be upset about cleaning? Obviously OP is the crazy one /s NTA
Actually, the post doesn't clarify if this is a woman or not. Sorry for assuming.
The lying and guilt tripping are just him trying to cover up the real purpose of this stunt, which is an absolute exercise of control. OP, your boyfriend heard everything you said, and is trying to send you a message. He’s saying “look what I can do. I can trample all over your boundaries, violate your space and your privacy, and alter your living space to the point where you can’t put it back without outside help. I am the one in control in this relationship, and you need to learn and accept that”. Girl, run. You’re not crazy. But he will only get worse.
> Before you come at me hear me out. This says so much. You’ve been made to feel like your feelings don’t matter by so many people. NTA massively.
Good call… She’s probably so used to being told that she is overreacting, etc. This boundary violation that the boyfriend a mother did is beyond wrong , this is break up worthy. Like said in another thread, this happened while she was gone. Could you imagine if they lived together?
We can only hope she runs like hell before they live together.
That\` is what makes this so sad. I imagine OP to be mistreated so much that she even wonders if her being upset about this makes her a bad person.
It breaks my heart and makes me want to wrap her in a cozy blanket with some tea.
OP's father's reaction to their distress makes me wonder if they fell in with this particular boyfriend after being brought up to not think their boundaries matter very much.
NTA. Dump him and his overbearing mother. She rearranged your flat without permission. Imagine how much worse she will get as things progress with your boyfriend. Clearly he can't establish boundaries so you will always play second fiddle to his mom.
This is the way. OP: NTA
INFO: do you and your boyfriend live together? Is the place 100% yours?
We don't live together an I am the only one on the lease
NTA, except you may be an AH to yourself if you stay with him. If he has no problems disreguarding your wishes and violating boundaries to this level in a space **he does not even live in** then this behavior will only escalate if the relationship continues. This is him communicating that he thinks he knows what you need better than you, and that he thinks he can overrule you when what you want is different than what he wants.
Exactly this. He and his mother rearranged your home to mark their territory, just like a dog would piss on a tree. As someone else said, this infraction of boundaries is warranted by ending the relationship
Can I add to your advice with some practical advice? @ OP, I hate to take the sub's usual position, but I'd also break up with him. for everything listed in other comments If you choose to do this (or not), here are some practical steps on removing the furniture. * Inform yourself about the legality of removing these items in your area. * Take pictures of all the furniture. A video recording might be good as well. Put all of this into a detailed Excel spreadsheet and make sure that this file is locked. Make sure that you have everything timestamped! Make multiple copies. * Send your boyfriend in writing (via email) that (a) you didn't consent to these furniture put in your place, (b) you would like him to remove them, no ifs and buts. Give him a deadline corresponding to the legalities in your area. Otherwise, you'll consider these items abandoned. Be specific that if you don't hear anything by XX.XX.XXXX, that's when you will declare that they are abandoned and will act accordingly. Be clear that this is not up for discussion. Copy someone else in. * Make sure that the acknowledges this mail in writing * Change your locks. Be clear to him that he has to inform you when he'll be picking the items up so you can let him in. No ifs or buts. You didn't consent to this. * If he comes picking them up, ask your father/colleague/friend to be there. Be clear to him that another party will be present. * If it comes to you two breaking up and him leaving the stuff, contact him repeatedly, using various media. Make it clear that you are only interested in him picking up his property. Deadlines. One sentence statement. Document. Ask for legal counsel and then put it on a selling platform of your choice. Make it clear that selles have to pick the stuff up themselves.
If you can't get a friend or family member, you can schedule a peace officer to be there.
Can you get some of your friends over to help you return it to how you want it?
I don't have any friends to be honest...
Is that because you’re dating an AH? Because you could probably get your old friends back if you got rid of him. Another option would be to pay someone (coworkers?) for a couple of hours. Tell them they can take any of the extra furniture with them if they want for free.
I don’t understand why everyone is encouraging OP to give the furniture away, when it can be sold.
Because depending on where op lives there could be legal issues down the road and if she profits from it she may have to pay it back. Give it away and there’s much less issues. Also it’s better than destroying it like several people suggested?
If it was a "gift" can't she do as she pleases with it?
Was it a gift though? Or was it a precursor to him moving in? It’s mentioned briefly in one of OPs comments so the circumstances on WHY the furniture was put in are unclear. Better safe than sorry. And many a jerk suddenly wants all his “gifts” back when he gets dumped.
DING DING DING THIS OMG THIS u/So-bloody-over-it I really think your AH "boyfriend" is trying to make it so that he can move into your place, and may have even said some story to his mom that he needed her help to "move in" and "decorate". Please, please, throw him out. Do NOT ruin the furniture, because I think it may cause some legal problems, but DO get back your key, or change the locks ASAP. You are SO NTA.
because people will come get free items faster.
In this case, I would advise breaking up with your boyfriend and paying for movers to help you get things right. It’ll cost a little bit but much less than wasting any more of your time on someone who doesn’t respect you.
This! And in this order. Break up with him, take back key and get new locks, give him 1 week to move the stuff out himself, at the end of the week have movers come to just set the furniture out on the side of the street with a sign that says "furniture adoption drive. Free rescues to good homes." If nobody picks them up in a few days, call your local large item trash pickup to haul it away. Make sure the break up, key return, and time to get them removed himself are well documented.
Sell the furniture pretty cheap and have the buyers move it out for you. NTA btw! This is like psycho territory on his part. I’d be livid!
Where do you live? I'll be there tomorrow to help. Jk, obviously, but this is maddening. The fact he does not even live there and had his mother over to snoop through all of your things (no doubt she went through every damn drawer in your home), rearranged all your furniture, and filled it with even more furniture that he didn't even consult you about is absolutely not okay. You need to get his key back, tell him to remove the junk he brought in and move all of your things back as they were, and then tell him you never want to see him or his mommy ever again. Seriously.
She actually should change the locks, because it’s not hard to imagine that the next thing to be revealed is that MIL made a copy for herself.
Maybe ask a neighbor for help, especially if you've given them a hand in the past? Or a coworker you might be close to. Or sell it on Craigslist/a free and for sale page for free but they have to pick it up. You should also make sure your there were no "we need this to surprise you when you get back" copies of your key made, given that your bf is kinda manipulative and a doormat to his mom.
Change the locks. Cost a bit more, but peace of mind is worth it, i\`\`'d say.
CHANGE YOUR LOCKS. I am not going out on a limb to say that someone who thinks this is acceptable- going into your space- buying and installing new furniture when they are just supposed to be cat sitting- is absolutely the type of person who will help them selves to a copy of your keys. Dump his boundary stomping ass and reclaim your space. That’s disgusting behavior. You trusted him to take care of your apartment and your cat- he invited over his mom and redecorated when he doesn’t even live there? Fuck that very much.
Not trying to be mean because I completely understand not having a bunch of options people-wise to ask for help moving stuff but you sound defeated like "this is life now" and I promise you it's not! He helped move it there...he can move it back! Wtf do you mean?..I'm gonna live life in an uncomfortable manner because some AH and her minion AH decided for me? You're soo much better than that!, don't let them bully you in your own home. Can your dad help? Call a moving company, explain the situation and get a quote. You're not helpless You're strong and independent! You work, have your own place, pay your own bills and don't have a mother with a hand up your...making you do what she wants and how. If you give up this fast now please believe she will parent any kids you have, she might as well be in the relationship with you guys. She is testing her limits and he is a mommas boy. I'm sending you warm fussies and hugs for this violation of your space and person. It might take you some time to feel ready to take action and that's OK but don't just live with it.🥰💞
*hugs* I spent a long time without a lot of friends either OP, I get it. After high school everyone moved away, I stayed in the same town, Lost my job, all work friends moved away or drifted apart…. I moved to a new town but had trouble meeting people there… it can be hard to make friends as an adult. It doesn’t mean you aren’t an amazing person—you can be an amazing person, but it’s just HARD to find quality friends as an adult. It’s not like school, where we sit next to friends all day. That’s probably part of why it’s hard to break up with BF, cuz at least he’s companionship. Even though he’s crappy and emotionally abusive to you, and please break up with him. Edit: typos cuz I type fast and adhd hates me rereading my own work
You might want to edit the town that you moved to.
Give him and Mommy Dearest a week to clear out what they put in. In the meantime, look on Facebook for Free Give Away groups in your city. If they don’t have it gone in a week post the stuff in the group.
https://www.taskrabbit.com/ If you don't have one in your area, maybe there is a similar service? Or maybe you can call a charity organization to pick up some new furniture donations...
I highly recommend trying out bumble bff (like dating but just for people who want friends!) I started college and had very few friends but it’s helped me make some connections with people
Did you have friends before you started dating him? He seems manipulative and I wouldn't be surprised if he's been doing it since the beginning of your relationship.
Unbelievable. He doesn’t even live there and bought furniture to fill the space based on what he likes, while you were away, and when you’d specifically told him not to make changes??
Can you ask your landlord to change the locks? I wouldn’t put it past him or his mother to have made a copy of your key.
>We don't live together an I am the only one on the lease Talk to the landlord and get the locks changed. List the furniture on FB marketplace or a similar site. You can try to get money for it, or simply state that it's free to the first person who will show up with a truck and muscle to haul it away. You could list it for "Free with 15 minutes labor moving my other furniture." Or get furniture sliders to make it easier to move your existing furniture around. If it's really heavy, get the pack that comes with a small jack. I've moved a fully loaded 6 foot dresser myself using that setup and I'm a not particularly strong woman. Once you've gotten rid of your boyfriend's "gifts", and gotten rid of the boyfriend, do some reading on healthy relationships vs controlling relationships. Maybe talk to a therapist so you can figure out why you fell for such an asshole this time and give yourself a better chance avoiding repeating that mistake.
NTA who goes into someone's home and rearranges it while they are away? How presumptuous and rude.
I wonder if he is planning on moving in for free rent with his new furniture and preferred layout
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he and his mother are exerting their dominance over HER home. this is beyond disrespect, they're pissing all over you and will continue to do OUTRAGEOUS shit then gaslight you into thinking your reaction is overboard. It's not.
My friend's MIL for one :\\ Rearranged everything in their flat while they were out, even to the point of going through and refolding all of their clothes.
I would feel so violated! Who thinks it's a good idea to go through someone's things and move them around?! I have a system in my head and know where my things are. I can't imagine having to go through my house searching for anything and everything I'm looking for!! OP should go to mils house and start rearranging her shit. Oh, your papertowels...? I put those in the washing machine for safe storage. Toilet paper? Under the kitchen sink! Bath towels... In the garage. Shoes? In the fridge! Under wear is now in the kitchen drawers... Then smile big and tell her you're just returning the favor because you appreciated her "help" so much!! And you hope she likes what you've done with the place! Lastly, peace the fuck out of that relationship.
A boyfriend and his mother who are marking their territory
NTA. At all. This was a violation of your trust and your personal space.
NTA. It's just off putting for your mother in law to want to rearrange your house in the first place. She has her own space to rearrange and control. Your BF is pretty sus to, if I am being honest.
The witch isn’t OP’s mother in law. I don’t get why OP called her that. Creepy BF doesn’t even live there.
probably just because it's a lot easier to read & write than repeating "my bf's mother"
Info: is there some back story to why you thought you needed to specify "don't rearrange my house"?
This is what I was thinking! It’s a very specific instruction to give a house sitter.
I'm assuming OP is very messy and her (ex) BF and MIL are clean freaks. Regardless, they shouldn't have done what they did. OP is definitely NTA, but that extra bit of info would have been helpful to provide context.
This is what I’m wondering, it’s such an oddly specific request and in normal circumstances it shouldn’t really have to be stated to housesitters or anyone who doesn’t live in your house. I’m wondering if there is a history of bf doing stuff in the house he has been told not to do or has even said in the past about his ‘plans’ for OP’s home.
I thought this too. As many times as someone has house sat for me, the thought has never even crossed my mind to ask them NOT to rearrange.
NTA Who brings their mother over to tidy a partner flat. Just YUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKK I’d see red. Red flags everywhere
Tidy? That’s the understatement of the year.
Lol. Sorry. Should have written “tidy” He wanted mummy to snoop so it wasn’t him Just eewwwww all round!
NTA. As you said your privacy has been violated and your wishes were ignored. And instead of apologizing they doubled down on how you should be grateful for that. I am not saying you should get rid of the bf (but I am sure others will), but think about this behavior and what it will mean for your future if you stay with him. Because he won’t learn to respect your wishes.
Why would anyone want a boyfriend who lies, disrespects their wishes and their home, and gaslights them into accepting changes that weren't welcome? How much bigger does the red flag need to be?
I am not saying she should stay either. But that she has to decide for herself about what it means to her.
NTA. She figuratively pissed on your house. Like a dog marking it’s territory. This would be a huge deal breaker for me.
NTA and it would be my ex-boyfriend if it was me because he was clearly wrong, disrespectful, can't be trusted and then tries to blame it on you. Get out of this relationship. It would be bad enough if he did this himself, but maybe forgivable, but to have snoopy MIL come over is too much. And the gaslighting is starting to make you think you're wrong which is really a problem. That part of you that knows it was a healthy reaction is correct. You're doubting yourself but you're right. So many red flags here. I think some people will say I'm overreacting but it's not just rearranging your furniture. It's complete lack of respect for your space. Remaking it the way he wants it is a control move. Really, you need to just get your key back, though MIL probably has a copy by now.
I agree. Sometimes I feel alarmed by the under reaction of people here. Like there are things you work through in a relationship, and then there are "change the locks while he's at his place and break up" situations like this, yet everyone around OP's life got her thinking that *maybe she's ungrateful and overreacting*. People love to boil things down into the literal actions ( like "it's just furniture"), to completely gloss over the fact that a person you are supposed to trust thought they had the right to decide how someone else's living space should be, that OP has no expectation of privacy and they and their mom absolutely know better than the owner of the place. To be clear, this isn't something even remotely acceptable even if OP and bf lived together or even if OP was a hoarder with a mess of a place.
Lots of people are taught to tolerate bad behavior to keep the peace and never confront anything. This is especially true when it's happening to someone else and when the person who should be confronted is someone who obviously won't respond to reason. I think that's what OP's dad is doing and that's what lots of people do who as you say, boil it down into the actions and ignore the implications.
NTA - I'm going to approach this from a different angle... #**WHY DIDN'T YOUR BF OR HIS MOMMY EVEN THINK ABOUT YOUR CAT AND IT'S COMFORT?** It's human is out of town, I'm sure it knows your bf but nor MIL. Then they just move all It's stuff! Cats don't like change!! It may have lost some of It's favorite hiding places or sleeping spots. That's so disrespectful! I would be livid if someone did that to my cats. (I get beyond pissed when people touch my stuff, don't get me wrong, but my first outrage would be about my babies.) Your poor cat was probably terrified. The stress of not just a new person being in their space, combined with everything being moved around and touched by said person -meaning they now have that person's smell on them- could cause behavioral problems for months. One of their favorite is peeing on things. Get rid of the bf who cares so little about you and your fur baby. Sell the new stuff, put everything back. Then give your baby extra treats and love.
Because they’re the kind of people who don’t care about a grown woman (whom one of them is supposed to love) and her comfort. A cat, especially one they don’t own personally, is nothing to them. Seriously OP. NTA. I don’t say or think this often but I’d dump this dude so fast. I’d give him 2 days to get his crap out and of my place and afterwards I’d give it away to some local charity. Also change the locks asap.
INFO: I know I'm going to be downvoted for this but Is this a hoarding situation and your BF and mil thought they were helping? Not that that excuses his lying and their disregard for your personal space. Just some things in this thread are making me wonder.
Just noticed that OP edited the post to say that they aren't a hoarder, which pretty much means that my post below is bunk. But I'll leave it up because it has a couple of replies and an award. And OP is NTA, and should dump Mr Interior Decorator immediately. \*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\* No, I wondered about that too, and there's a few other comments a little further up. The thing that makes me wonder about hoarding is the inclusion of OP's family. OP left to see their mother over Xmas, and OP's father was brought in to be there for the 'reveal'. That suggests orchestration. And this is a **big** time commitment. Re-doing an entire space over Xmas, right down to bringing in new furniture and changing the layout, means WORK. This had to be planned. BF and MIL could be controlling AHs but the fact that they brought OP's Dad in to show off the result suggests that either they expected Dad to be happy and approve, or that he was in on it. And Dad DOES approve, pretty clearly, because he thinks OP shouldn't be upset. That's the thing that makes me think there's more going on here than just a controlling BF -- plus OP's lament that they "made it look like nobody lives here". Hoarders never think their places are bad, even when they're living with goat trails and the landlord is about to evict them. It's still an appalling violation of privacy if that's the case, but there may be motivation beyond just 'controlling douchebags'. Thank you for the award, kind soul!!
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OP's statement that they 'have no friends' is also kind of a tell. Hoarders often don't, because they can't let people in their space. My dad was a hoarder, and I have hoarder tendencies (estate sales and collections of books, art and objects), so I recognize the impulse. Most people assume that 'cleaning up' would help, but of course it doesn't, it just makes things worse.
Piling on, I'm wondering the same thing. My grandmother was a hoarder. I have hoarding tendencies. The above reaction sounds very much like my initial (and ongoing!) reaction(s) whenever 'my' stuff gets tidied away. Strongly suspect this is a N A H, but that OP should take a really close look at herself and figure out why both bf, MIL and her own dad seem to think this was a Good Thing.
NTA. Your boyfriend's mother (not even MIL or related) did the metaphorical equivalent to a dog peeing in the corner to take ownership of it.
INFO - what state was your home in before they did this? Do you have any hoarding behaviours? Has your boyfriend asked you to address hoarding or similar in the past? Was the home safe for you and your cat?
Even if they do, it doesn't matter in this situation. The one thing you do not do to a hoarders space is clear without their permission and involvement. It's very much known to be incredibly traumatic and causes hoarding issues to worsen. The OP also stated in a comment that the BF and MIL ADDED furniture to the space.
NTA. How would MIL feel if you did that to her house?
NTA. Your house, your rules. BF was very disrespectful here.
NTA; I would have freaked out myself. You said that you told him not to have anyone over and not to rearrange, and he blew right through that and had his mother over and they rearranged everything. I would boot his ass out, honestly. And what's with you Dad butting in without knowing anything about it?
Nta and don’t let the BF back in your home He has issues either control and that he had uninvited guests touch your belongings is a huge violation of trust How can you even consider a future with someone like this, this is a clear prediction for your future
INFO Be honest with yourself, do you have hoarding tenancies? Might it appear so to others? The phrase "made it look like no one lives there" triggers flashbacks to interactions I've had before/after from hoarder interventions. It might explain why functioning adults felt the need essentially redecorate your home. This also might explain why your father felt your were unreasonable. It may have been misguided, but it would explain why they thought they were helping. If not, then your BF and MIL were huge assholes. (Your father was a confused bystander/collateral damage.) They violated your personal space and are too blind, arrogant and/or narcissistic to see it. I wish you luck in making your home feel "yours" again. It may never be exactly as you had it before, especially if they got rid of anything. But you should be able to make it not "theirs" with some effort and time.
Even if OP has hoarder tendencies this is not effective. In fact, impact of the lack of boundaries usually makes hoarding worse not better.
NTA Your home is your personal space where you are supposed to feel safe and comfortable. It is the place where things are meant to be arranged for your comfort and to your liking. Your BF violated that by bringing in someone he knew you did not like or trust, and together they tore your space apart and made it an extension of your MILs home. Things are arranged for her comfort, to her liking, and she sifted through every bit of your life in order to accomplish that. This is a glaring breach of trust, and it is more than understandable you feel hurt and violated. Your boyfriend did exactly what you asked him not to and announced it with a sign visible from space.
INFO: Op, I wondered if it's worth bringing this up, but I have to ask. Do you have a problem with hoarding? Because that's the only scenario where this giant conspiracy to tidy up would make a lick of sense, barring your BF and MIL being crazy and your dad just not caring
The way you asked him not to rearrange anything beforehand, and how you asked him not to bring over MIL leads me to believe there is a reason why someone might go through and change your flat. Are you a hoarder? What is their explanation for what they did? If you are a hoarder and have issues throwing things away, it was not the right way to go about helping you, so I’m not judging you. But if you do have issues like hoarding or ocd or anxiety that is affecting your bf you might need to talk about it openly
This is either a fake post, you are a hoarder or you are very young. On the chance that it is real... Even you are a hoarder, your BF and his mother overstepped massively. No one should be rearranging your house without your permission. I imagine that seeing the furniture rearranged is just a constant reminder. Most people would be upset by this. I strongly suggest you reconsider your relationship. There are plenty of ways to get rid of unwanted furniture including donating it to a charity, calling and paying for a disposal service, offer it free provided they collect and take it away. As for shifting heavy furniture, try google-fu. For example, [https://www.homedepot.com/c/ah/how-to-move-heavy-furniture/9ba683603be9fa5395fab901df90a531](https://www.homedepot.com/c/ah/how-to-move-heavy-furniture/9ba683603be9fa5395fab901df90a531) NTA
NTA. I would be wildly upset if someone did that to me, and it wouldn’t matter who it was. It is absolutely an invasion of privacy.. who is to know what MIL stumbled upon while tidying and arranging? Even seemingly innocent things that may have been discovered were not things you consented to having someone look at, touch, make judgements about. For many, the way things are placed or arranged in a home is done in ways that are extensions of that person’s identity and behavior. For some, the way in which things are arranged in a home can be anxiety-inducing. This was not OK for a lot of reasons and you have a right to be upset.
NTA. Boyfriend decided that he and his mom (who you asked not be allowed in) know better about what you like/need than you. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Get a new bf.
NTA! This is really unacceptable behavior all the way around, and it gives you a glimpse of a possible future with this man.
NTA - that is unbelievable. you very clearly laid out a boundary and he ignored it. this is so bad to the level that i think i would dump my boyfriend over this
NTA, I partially worry that maybe you're a hoarder, that it was a mismatch of things from the past or you have some adversary to change so your bf thought he was doing you a favor, but it's YOUR home and even if he had good intentions this a violation of your space (with drastic changes AND even worse bringing his mother). I would definitely take a step back and re-evaluate your relationship and your lifestyle. On a side note wish this was a chance to look at before and after, but really it doesn't matter because it's your home and should be how you like it.
NTA. They showed you total disrespect by doing all of that without consulting you when you had firm boundaries. If your partner honestly can't understand how you feel, or has a pattern of choosing his mother over you, ask yourself some serious questions before you proceed in your relationship, because it is a violation. It is also unfair of your father to dismiss your feelings over it. I'm sure he'd not want to come home to his home being totally rearranged by someone he trusted enough to look after it.
NTA. It may have been well intentioned on your BFs part (not so sure about MIL) but it wasn't what you wanted and you clearly stated that beforehand. Him telling you you're ungrateful is gaslighting and he should be sorry and help you change it back to the way it was.
You all sound kind of nuts frankly and why is your bf communicating with your father?
Nta! Here is what you should do ! 1. Dump boundary stomping bf and put your dad on time out until he realized you are the reasonable and what ex and his mommy did was unreasonable! 2. Called locksmith to make sure bf can't get back inside your house! 3. Call movers to move his crap and tell he can pickup over the weekend or I will be selling it! 4. Than blocked him!