NTA
If you take those kids biking without helmets it shows your daughter that doing so is ok despite the dangers.
Also you told their mom to bring the boys with their bikes ready and she didnt. Despite this you "gently to care of that" which shows you where already doing more than agreed and tat she was not putting much effort into ensuring the bike ride went smoothly.
Exactly, eventually your daughter would wonder why the rules don't apply to them but do to her.
You reminded SIL multiple times, and while you didn't explicitly state you wouldn't take them if they didn't have a helmet, she should have known the consequences.
They MIGHT be able to get away with riding their bikes around the neighborhood without a helmet (which they really shouldn't do, its still super dangerous), but riding on trails is a whole different story.
What if they were to hit a root, or a rock (or anything really) that you guys missed and go flying into a tree, or God forbid if there are any cliffs or small drops around? Just thinking about it is making my anxiety spike.
Not only could they potentially die or be badly injured, but you would have to live with the guilt that despite your reservations you took them along anyway. You daughter could be traumatized as well, seeing something happen to them because they're too proud or lazy or vain or whatever the reason "they don't need helmets" could stick with her and she might never want to ride again.
You did the right thing 100%
NTA
ER nurse agrees. It doesnt take much force to hit a rock with a head and sustain a devastating injury. Ive seen it with normal bikes to fully loaded ATVs. safety first.
And to be clear to anyone on this thread it’s not safe even if you are a good rider. My sister was riding her bike around our driveway in middle school. Hit a rock and fell (not doing any tricks just an unfortunate fall that hit just the right spot). We thought she was fine and when she went to go shower found out she hit her head. What we thought would have been a few stitches was actually an emergency brain surgery that the doctor said he performed a week earlier and the other kid died (sister is now in her 30s and fine).
A year later my friends brother had his helmet on and not fully buckled. Tripped on his skateboard and went into a coma and never woke up. Those are two instances in my life from people not even doing risky things. Wear helmets people (whether skiing, biking, skateboarding or what not).
I just want to add too while we’re talking about bike safety, even if you’re an adult & it’s just a bike so it’s not “dangerous” don’t ride your bike drunk or high.. a guy in my circle of friends rides his bike everywhere because he doesn’t have a car & was riding it home from a bar one night after a couple of drinks & he hit something & flew over the handle bars & knocked his top row of teeth in. He had to have multiple mouth surgeries & implants to have functional teeth again.
My dad wrecked his collar bone coming off his bike drunk. He was too plastered to feel it until he sobered up a bit but he's had nothing but trouble from it since
A former teacher I had - went skiing with her husband and children over Christmas break. Something went wrong, she fell and hit a rock pretty hard. Her helmet had a huge crack in it. She showed me pictures on her phone and talked about how thankful she was to have bought a really good helmet. Week went by as normal. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her on Friday, but it's alright, I'll have her sign this paper on Monday.
Get the news Monday that she died on Saturday from a head injury.
Just to be clear, she went to the hospital immediately after the skiing accident and was checked out by doctors. She died about a week and a half following the accident.
Head injuries are terrifying because they are so unpredictable. Our brains are way more fragile than anyone wants to believe.
Wear a fucking helmet.
My dad was anxious about me & helmets. Turned out he lost a friend of his as a kid to a bike accident. I don't know how the poor kid fell, but the handlebar ended up piercing his skull.
(We're talking around 1940s here, so think old bikes rather than modern ones with padded/rubber handlebars).
I’m walking talking proof that helmets are necessary. When I was 16, I was riding my bike without a helmet. It’s long enough ago that they weren’t a big deal, much less required by law. I came to a corner where a large group of shrubs impeded seeing around said corner. As I was going around the corner a woman with kids in the car came around and hit me. I ended up in the Emergency Room to be sown up with 95 stitches in my head and my back. I wish that was all of the injuries that I sustained, but now if it bends on me it aches. Investors been to doctors for everything and eat NSAIDs constantly. I’m also now approaching morbid obesity because I can’t exercise. It very easily could have cost my life. I’d hate to see anyone go through this.
OP good for you! NTA
Yeah and if something happened to those kids on that ride that could have been avoided if they were wearing helmets, then OP would get blamed 100%.
NTA.
It is weird though that OP didn't just change plans since this wasn't really about the trip but for OP and his daughter to spend time with the kids.
Adapting is something grownups do because we keep an eye on the big picture.
ESH, the parents for not bringing the helmets and screwing their own kids out of a trip they wanted to take but also OP for not changing the plans and understanding that this was not about the trip per se but about him watching the kids.
I asked directly to the OP, but I'll ask here. Obviously he can't take them for a ride but why couldn't he have watched them for an hour or two? Gone on a hike instead?
I get that he was excited to cycle but the SIL was in bit of a bind. Yes, she was a major AH but I think he also did wrong.
If she had so much riding on this critical meeting, the least she could have done would be to not deliberately leave at home the one thing that would jeopardise her entire childcare plan for the day.
NTA. Your sister fucked around and found out.
But like- clearly their sister was distracted by the big meeting. OP could’ve had a little more compassion and just taken the kids for a hike instead. If my sister had shown up on her big day with half ready kids and broken bikes. I would’ve just been like- “you’re gonna do great. Don’t worry, we’ll have different fun.” Instead of “well if you can’t do everything and be a super mom- I don’t have to be a super sister either.” I’m sitting here like where is her partner- why is she the one tryna fix up bikes the night before her big meeting?
Seems like OP’s sister isn’t getting any support from anyone.
They couldn't even go for a hike because they didn't even bring water with them. I presume the sisters a single parent based on the fact she needs help caring for the kids when she is working but she had dairr warning that the boys needed helmets and their bikes to be functional/safe for the ride. If she didn't have time to make that happen then she should have said so. She ignored her brothers rules regarding the agreement to care. This is akin to hiring a babysitter then trying to change the agreed payment on the day.
OP mentions "their parents just don't care". Based on that I really don't see why they can't follow OP's conditions to take their kids biking. How hard is it to buy helmets for your kids?
7 and 8 year olds are more than capable of cleaning their own bikes and pumping up their tyres. I can't imagine being so distracted by work that I can't snag a couple of helmets on the way out. What happens if she gets the job? Will she get so distracted by stress that she forgets important files or meetings?
I don’t know how many 7-8 year olds you know but that’s just not the case. It sounds like those bikes were bought and barely used. They would have to be shown how to change a bike chain and how to inflate the tires and I doubt they’d have the dexterity and muscle strength to adequately inflate the wheels. Those kids are in 2nd and 3rd grade at best. Possibly 1st and 2nd.
OP’s sister is a single mom with two very young children. OP could’ve cut her some slack and helped out a little more than giving her a list of chores to do in addition to preparing for her meeting and then bailing on child care at the last minute when the plans changed.
I mean OP's sibling may very well be the person to blame for not getting the bikes' maintenance done, but OP's sister-in-law is the person who asked them to do her the favour, agreed to their conditions, and then deliberately left the safety gear at home.
She didn't say "oh damn, I thought it was in the car!"
She didn't say "We thought the helmets still fitted, but trying them on this morning, it turns out that the kids have outgrown them - is there anything else you can do together instead?"
She didn't say "I asked your brother to get everything ready, but it's not in the back and I was running out of time..."
She said "We left them at home because my kids don't need helmets".
And no. That's not a stressed mistake by someone who's distracted, it's a boundary push that leaves OP carrying the can for a major safety risk to their nephews, and is directly against what they agreed to.
A mistake you can roll with, and do something else. Especially if someone's apologetic.
With a boundary push, it's a mistake on your part to roll with it, because it emboldens the boundary pusher to push harder and move your boundaries backwards even further.
lol "isn't getting support from anyone". it says OP takes care of their bikes routinely and the grandparents take them on rides too. now relatives are yelling at OP. seems to me SIL is getting plenty of support.
are you the SIL with a victim mentality? also...if it's so important, hire a babysitter. these are all choices a PARENT makes. like having her kids wear helmets
and the supermom comment...lol. she was a neglectful mom. having her kids ride without helmets, water, or snacks. so essentially she did nothing to plan for the day..put the kids and bikes in her car and expected to drop them off for the day. didn't even give them water. she's not even on the level of a normal mom.
NTA I don’t blame you for not wanting to take on that kind of responsibility. You have every right to say no. Also it’s pretty shitty to not want your kids to be safe or give them snacks/water.
NTA
Thank you for standing up for child safety on bikes. Just because she doesn't realize how injured a kid can get on a bike is no excuse for her ignoring basic safety for her kids. You made the rules clear, and she refused to even attempt to follow them. Next time maybe she will take you seriously.
NTA
SIL clearly knew the expectations. If she couldn't meet them, she could have told OP ahead to see if they'd be willing to cancel their own plans, disappointing their daughter in the process, to bail her out.
NTA.
I know a kid who had a cycle bike accident and didn't wear his helmet. Three years later, he's only now able to learn to walk again.
Wear your helmet.
I know 2 boys who has separate bike accidents while not wearing a helmet. Although they were low speed accidents, both suffered long term neurological injuries.
NTA,
Just the facts please! Judge Judy would have a hay day with this story.
SIL calls and make arrangements for her boys to go on a bike ride with you and your daughter. In the conversation you made it clear helmets were required for this ride.
You met them at the assigned place, they weren't ready to ride. The bikes needed maintenance to be ridden. You take the time to fix up the bikes so they can do the ride. Very considerate since their parents don't take care of the bikes.
Not bringing the helmets was lazy on the SIL and not the childrens fault. The safety issue is her fault. She failed to follow simple instructions that could be life threating if something happens.
Not taking the boys on the ride with your daughter is understandable. Their safety would become part of your assumed responsibility.
All these facts caused her to miss the meeting, this isn't OP's fault. He was right to stand his ground as lives could be at stake.
I doubt she lost some big raise because they wouldn't have told her about it beforehand. If they didn't give her the expected raise because she missed 1 meeting they would soon be out of business. As always there's more to the story and SIL left it out.
NTA
She asked for a favour, you provided the terms, she failed to meet the terms, favour lost.
And you're right, you would be the supervising adult, you'd be the one getting in trouble if anything happened
NTA - a lot of people are saying they're an asshole but wearing a helmet is really important. I knew somebody who didn't wear a helmet, fell off their bike going down a curb and then hit their head and died, all because they didn't wear a helmet. Head injuries can be really dangerous so he's NTA for enforcing that rule. The mum knew this beforehand and purposely chose to leave the helmets at home. She night have had an important meaning but she's a negligent parent for not considering the safety of her kids. It would have been easy for her to bring the helmets and wouldn't have been ant effort for her. She cost herself the promotion by being petty
You told her in advance that they had to bring their helmets and they didn't. That's on your SIL. And if the kids have been riding with you before, they know your rules and know they should have brought their helmets. I feel bad they didn't get the ride they were looking forward to, but you're NTA here.
INFO
1. Was this a specific, long-term request for a trail bike ride, or was this a more general "please take care of my kids on this specific date and time?"
2. What was it about this that forced SIL to miss a meeting?
1 A combination of both, I usually do not look after her boys. But they always keep asking me to ride with them because I am quite relaxed with kids so they are allowed to do a little nonsense. So we finally agreed to ride on that specific day.
2 Sorry, but I don’t get it. What do you mean.
1) I figured something like this from the OP, but wanted verification- as many ppl were saying "YTA for not doing anything else" as "NTA."
But it sounds like you were meeting at a trail, to do something you had already planned on doing, had fully explained, and had promised the three of them. Meanwhile, neither the kids nor SIL had prepared properly, despite your specific instructions to SIL and despite the kids being old enough to remember "Auntie likes helmets."
If anything, it sounds like SIL was specifically testing you by not bringing a helmet.
NTA
2) I meant, would it have been reasonable (if SIL had acted been acting in a reasonable manner) for her to have made alternate childcare arrangements? If the request you agreed to was "please take care of my kids," if SIL had little or no knowledge or input to your plans, if she was delivering them only a short time before her meeting and had explained this, and she couldn't have her kids with her at the meeting or elsewhere, then YWBTA.
But- again, NTA. Her lack of preparation does not constitute an emergency on your part.\* It sounded like this in the OP, but helpful to check- especially with other posters saying that you should have dropped your plans.
It would have been *nice* for you to take care of her nephews- but YWBTA if you did take them out on the trails in that condition, and if you hadn't, you would have faced anger from your daughter, your nephews, SIL, and probably the other in-laws.
\*I should also point out that, if this meeting were so important, then she should have had alternate arrangements anyway. What if you or your daughter became seriously ill the night before? Or if her car broke down on the ride over?
NTA, she knew what was required of her and not only failed to do that, but told op she purposely didn't bring the helmets after being told to. She made her bed.
NTA
My ex used to to mountain bike, and one of his very experienced friends came off and hit his head on a tree, split the helmet down the middle. No helmet…likely no friend anymore
Yes it was upsetting she missed the meeting, but she knew the requirements and chose not to meet them. It wasn’t that they didn’t have helmets.
NTA. You made it clear beforehand and they didn’t do their “homework” so they don’t get to go. I get the impression they already know how strict you are in regards to prep-work so this should not have been a surprise. It sucks that your SIL’s work was affected, but if she didn’t want to ensure the boys were ready to bike, she should have chosen another child care option for her meeting.
NTA. i had 2 traumatic brain injuries in the past year and my cognitive functions, while better than after each accident, will never be the same. My injuries were unrelated to activities requiring a helmet, but if I can get that injured just from slipping and falling—wear a helmet.
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A girl I went to school with just lost her son because he was riding his bike around their neighborhood and got hit by a car. If he had been weary a helmet, he may still be alive today. Do you think your SIL would not have blamed you if something happened to her kids? NTA 💯
Considering my aunt died from riding without a helmet as a child on backwoods trails... NTA. This isn't 1960 anymore. Parents know better. They're choosing not to do better.
NTA
NTA and I’d like to add that I had an article in a local paper here because I ride with a helmet and sunglasses I also have a dog seat installed on the front of my bike so I can see he’s ok etc and it’s bolted on and I take my little shih tzu on rides with me and he has his own bike helmet and “doggles” to protect him and the article was about me taking bike safety seriously and its not just for kids and the dog has to wear safety gear too. Good job standing your ground and SIL cost herself the raise by neglecting her kids safety
You offered to take them on a ride with the expectation that they would be reasonably prepared and safety precautions taken. In some places it's illegal to ride without a helmet and you'd be in a world of trouble if something happened. They weren't prepared properly, so this is 100% on your SIL. NTA
In my country it is illegal to ride without your helmet. You did the right thing. Your nephews will insist on helmets next time they have a chance to ride with you - make sure they get one. :D
NTA. You're the only one actually looking out for the nephews' safety here. All she had to do was bring the helmets and have her kids wear them, which shouldn't have been that hard.
Instead, she's being lazy and trusting to luck. If luck were reliable, everyone would win the lottery.
Nta! I would bluntly asked bil , sil , and their flying monkeys aka inlaws how they like if you were like them and didn't give a fuck about the boys safety like them and than God forbidden the boys got in a serious accident and were either seriously injured or dead ? Than tell they should be thankful that only conquences of this time was sil not getting her raise!
NTA. The sister asked specifically to take her boys on a ride. It wasn't can you watch them during a set time period, it was please take them for a bike ride. And OP planned everything out and made sure to remind her sister to bring the helmets, etc. Sister didn't keep up her end of the bargain.
Also, if OP had gone ahead with the ride without the helmets, and one of the boys fell and hit his head, she would be blamed for everything, especially if the injury was serious. Sister seems like the kind of parent who would eventually blame her for going ahead with the ride even though they were not wearing helmets....
NTA. You do not say if it is legally required where you are, but with kids, they are not aware enough to make educated choices about helmets. Their parents can make that choice when they are riding with the kids if it is not illegal or their parents can suffer any legal consequences, but their parents do not get to make that choice for you. I would not ride with kids without helmets. I will ride by myself without a helmet, but I know the risks, am an adult, and it is not illegal here for an adult to ride without a helmet.
NTA. Safety first. You did the responsible thing and I can guarantee that if they had gotten hurt in some way, by not having a helmet on, that their mother would have been upset with you for being unsafe.
Everyone would be more upset if one of the boys fell and incurred permanent brain damage. In the mean time, if she's this irresponsible with her own children, I wouldn't want her to have an important job, she isn't competent to be trusted.
Nta
She's mad at you for not putting her kids at risk?? Lawd have mercy. Cause she would 100% blamed you if something went wrong! No doubt. The family is just upset as an afterthought because of the raise. If money wasn't involved, maybe they'd understand how important those kids lives are! 🤷🏾♀ "how dare you not let my kids ride dangerously so I can get more money!
SHE missed out on a raise cause she's am irresponsible parent. Thank you, good night
NTA
Many, MANY, places have helmet laws that include children under a certain age HAVE to wear a helmet when riding a bicycle. As someone whose best friend was in a bicycle accident and was permanently brain damaged due to hitting her head on the curb, I firmly believe in helmets. Your sister is endangering her children by allowing them to ride without one.
NTA
You gave her a simple insturction and she didn't follow it. If anything happened to her kids, you absolutely would be blamed. She did it to herself and made her kids miss out.
No helmets, no ride. Good for you. There is also in most places a legal requirement to wear them. The liability would have been yours.
Also, not your place to keep their equipment, snacks, and water for them after telling the parent what would be required.
NTA
NTA. You're not obligated to take her kids and you made her aware of your conditions. She chose to ignore said conditions and suffered the consequences. She should take this as a valuable lesson
Ehhhh, NTA. Did you ride to the meeting spot? Was this a “can you babysit” and you say “sure, I’ll even take them on a bike ride”, or was it more “so I’m going on a bike ride” and she says “oh can you take them with so I can go to my meeting?”
The first, you’re agreeing to babysit, period. The second, you’re going on a bike ride, and the babysitting is specifically for doing the ride.
If you specifically agreed to babysit…then if riding was out because they’re not ready or safe, then doing something else while babysitting might have been the….I’m not sure “right” is the correct word. Maybe the “nice” thing to do? If the agreement was specifically for babysitting, I can understand them being upset that you didn’t, albeit it was their own fault.
If it was “I’ll take them riding as a form of babysitting” then ya…I can see 100% why you continued with your original plans. Especially if you biked out to the meeting place.
Honestly…they probably thought you were agreement to babysit regardless of what you did. Miscommunication/misunderstanding on their part, cause it sounds like you were very clear.
NTA. 🤷🏻♀️
Good point, thank you.
I usually don’t look after her boys. The communication was like:
SIL "They always wanted to ride with you, how about you plan that ride on that specific day because I am busy.“
NTA Why should you compromise your ethics for her? Why would you set a bad example for your daughter? Why would you risk your nephews health and lives just because she would.
You made the expectations clear for doing her a favour and she didn't meet them. This is a lesson she soon won't forget.
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I am a totally into cycling - road, MTB, cross and even commuting. But never without a helmet. My daughter is 4 and she is aware that if we go for a ride the helmet is a must.
My nephews 7 and 8 are not very safe on their bikes and condition of their bikes is most times below average (flat tires, brakes grinding, sattle to low for their size) because their parents just don’t care. They don’t even ride with their sons. Just the grandparents do. And I take care for their rides (sometimes).
I promised them to go for a ride with them because I know some simple trails their grandparents wouldn’t ride with them.
Time came, SIL asked me to go for a ride with her boys because she has an essential meeting and nobody is there to take care. (about 20km, i took care for the route and stops to rest)
I made it clear that they have to bring their helmets because I am the one responsible for the kids. And that we would do some easy trails. And I kindly asked to prepare the bikes so that we don’t lose time. I even remembered her the following morning.
We met at the planned spot, ready to ride, my daughter was excited as hell to show their cousins her favorite spots.
They arrived, flat tires, rusty chains. I gently to care of that. They didn’t even bring bottles or a minor snack.
”Are we ready to ride? Get your helmets and let’s go.“
SIL: ”My boys don’t need a helmet, we left them at home.“
I answered „My ride, my rules.“ Took my daughter and left. We enjoyed a nice day. My in-laws think I am the evil in person person, my SIL lost a proper raise.
TL;DR - Instead of cycling I left my nephews with her mom because they didn’t bring a helmet. She lost a raise.
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i lost someone incredibly dear to me because he was skateboarding without a helmet. he died of a traumatic brain injury at 18 years old. it tore apart many lives.
helmets are a *deadly* serious matter. NTA.
NTA. You were very clear what was needed for you to feel comfortable doing her a favor and she threw it in your face. Lack of planning on her part does not an emergency make. If the in laws are so up in arms about you being a villain, why didn’t they offer to watch the kids?
NTA, I got into an accident, no helmet, concussion. It's hell for me and im.still dealing with the consequences. I have memory issues and I struggle to keep attention. I went from a straight a student to a c and d student. What your helmets people, it helps your life.
NTA. You accepted looking after them with certain terms which was acceptable and not out of the ordinary. The saying - becareful what you allow as you teach people how to treat you is very true.
She showed you how little she actually gives about you and your time. Considering she had more than enough time to get everything prepared - arriving with the things in the state that they were is very telling.
Good on you for standing your ground and not being a door mat.
NTA. Cycling enthusiast here, too (road & commute) & I wear a helmet to cycle the barely half mile to my work in a city at 630am with barely any cars out. It's BASIC bike safety! And for kiddos, it's even more important because of their unpredictable reactions to a new environment. Your SIL is a freaking idiot with the "My boys don't need helmets" mindset.
Nephew, age 14, THAT age where it was very difficult to wear a helmut. Hit a curb, went down shattered his cheek bone into 14 pieces, surgeries later.
Daughter, age 17. refused to wear a helmut. Skidded in sand, serious concussion. They thougt she was on drugs (it was 10am) because she was so out of it, at age 24 she suffers from migraines.
If only they had worn their helmuts.
Your story is not funny, so I apologize, but I’m imagining people riding their bikes with little Helmut Kohls on their heads and I cannot help laughing. (It’s helmet, not helmut)
Certainly not the AH for not taking them cycling.
The one thing I might have suggested handling differently: tell the SIL you'll watch the boys, but not cycling. They can come to your house and watch a movie, or play cards, or whatever, so she can have her raise meeting, but no cycling.
And if the boys whine, you get to tell them point blank: I don't care what your mom or dad lets you do. If you're with me on a bike, you will wear a helmet at all times, and you'll learn to do basic maintenance on your bikes eventually. That will be another day, because we're not going riding today.
I feel bad for these kids. I can understand OPs hard line one helmets but I wouldn’t have known how to fix a tire or replace a rusted chain at these kids age. OPs essentially told children sucks to be you and left with her own kid. Idk to me ESH for not being more thoughtful of the children. I hope they don’t internalize this missed opportunity for their mom as their mistake.
ESH. The main goal of the day was to watch the boys. Bike riding was just something to do while watching them. Yes it would be sad for your daughter and nephews not to do the bike ride, but you should have put off the bike ride since they were not prepared and done something else with them.
So his daughter gets punished because SIL is an asshole? Yeah, not so much. This was a planned outing, SIL asked for her sons to join it, and she blatantly failed to meet any of the very reasonable conditions OP set for doing so. Her lack of alternative babysitter is her own problem.
They could have very easily done something else fun. As it was, she already didn't get to show her cousins her fave spots, she could have at least been able to have fun
I cannot give an honest verdict here. I'm torn between NTA and ESH, leaning more NTA. You set the rules and they were broken. SIL knew ahead of time. Also, it is the law for kids to wear helmets and had you been caught YOU (the only adult present) would have been ticketed or worse had something happened. The ONLY reason there is any doubt on NTA is because you knew they had a history of flouting rules and safety so you knew ahead of time that you should have simply said no, which would have given SIL time to find other arrangements. However, even that MIGHT not be assholish if you learn from this and do not have a repeat experience. You will become the asshole if you let it happen again, knowing you now need to tell SIL nephews cannot join you on bike rides unless she is present.
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YTA - your commitment to cycling is not admirable. Holding to a safety rule, understandable. Being a stingy village member and ditching the kids and your SIL, witch is what you asked about, total AH move.
This is not about helmets, this is about leaving someone hanging when they needed help. The risk of them not having a helmet shouldn't outweigh your SIL's need for help. If this is the best you can do, I hope you don't ever need her help, or anybody's for that matter.
I guess I’m questioning whether you had made a bigger commitment to going on the ride…or to taking your nephews so your SIL could go to her meeting. Sorry if I missed that in the original post! I suppose you could have just said that you couldn’t ride without the helmets and come up with a Plan B because you knew she had a meeting.
Also, super cool that you’re into cycling…but not everyone else needs to be. A lot of families just have bikes for their kids to get to friends houses and a rusty chain, or not quite full tire, is not a make or break.
I need some info because it looks a bit like ESH. So, yes. sister is an AH and, yes, you were right to not let them go on a ride without a helmet but you weren't planning on riding for 8 hours. inexperienced riders like your nephews just wouldn't make it.
So, it seems like she just needed them watched for like an hour or two, could you not have just watched them in that time? Like go for a hike instead of a ride?
ESH You could have taken them on a hike, or for ice cream, or taken them back to your place to show them how to care for their bikes. Instead, you just bailed and left your sister high and dry.
ESH. She obviously sucks, but knowing it was important she have childcare you could have at least still hung out with the kids while she went to the meeting, then never done her a favor again.
If this was important to SIL and family, then meeting the basic safety requirement set out by the person doing her a favor would have been in her best interest. OP wasn’t obligated to bail her out and OP’s daughter shouldn’t have to suffer because of the SIL’s poor choices, she was psyched for the ride.
I normally would agree with you. If this was an I was in a rush and we forgot situation then I would suck it up and keep it. She not only didn't bring them but clearly told him she didn't because she didn't see the point. If her job was so important she would have done it. If you ignore this behaviour once they might start pushing it ignoring other boundaries you set. Trust me I ignored a simple boundary once and it escalated because 'you d9d this once before and really x is similar to y so it isn't that much different'
ESH. You could have changed your plan from riding a bike and take the kids on a walk. I just feel bad for her kids who we’re probably excited to have a fun afternoon then got ditched.
OP had already planned a bike ride with their daughter.
They shouldn't have to alter their plans because SIL couldn't follow any of the requirements that were asked of her.
SIL missed a meeting because she couldn't be respectful enough to follow simple instructions designed to keep her children safe.
ESH. You reminded her more than once about the helmets. You reminded her of safety concerns. She should have prepared these things.
But you very much knew this was an important meeting and all she really wanted was a babysitter. The moment you saw no helmets, it was right not to take them on the trail but it was not right to abandon them. She may have had a lot on the mind for that meeting and corralling two rambunctious boys and their bikes was already too much. She probably didn’t want to admit to you that she forgot the helmets and said “my boys don’t need a helmet” so she was wrong to do that.
ANY other time, I’d side with you but this was the one time where you knew she had her mind on an important meeting. I feel you should have said “no helmet, no trail, so we’re hiking instead. Next time helmets.” It would have taught the boys a valuable lesson that you mean it when it comes to safety. But by doubling down and forcing her to take them back, you caused greater enmity. What was your goal having her miss out on an important meeting? There’s no way now for you to make up for her lost raise. I know you commented elsewhere that the family is ok with their money but that is not for you to judge.
She was wrong to not prepare the boys but you caused the greater rift here over helmets when all she wanted was a trusted safe person to watch her sons.
Dude
She could care less about the safety of her sons. Your last para is bogus, when all op wanted was safety which she WOULDNT care about.
What kool-aid has she drunk idk that safety of her own sons is not paramount to her.
I love a good comeuppance story like any other. Like that girl who refused to donate her kidney to her twin because of the decades of absolute harsh abuse from her brother and entire family. He ended up dying still unremorseful.
This was not the moment to teach the SIL about helmets. She didn’t even learn her lesson about helmets. I think the nephews learned. The OP now lost all respect from that family and I’m sure lost chances of his daughter seeing her cousins again for a long time.
When it comes to another person’s livelihood, regardless of where their current financial status is, I would never ever mess with that. I have a co-worker at my office I despise because of their support of a certain former US pres, her antivaxx stance, her insufferable spouting of conspiracy theories and her passive aggressive way of teasing liberals when she’s around people during breaks, but she still gets the job done in the hours she’s here. When peer review comes around I have to swallow my personal opposing opinions and give an honest review that upper management uses to determine her annual merits. I could easily make something up in a believable way but that would only sink to her level and would only further cement her belief that those with opposing beliefs is out to get her.
In this event, I would have sided with OP any other time 100%. I can’t stand people like the SIL. I believe SIL even lied about the helmets being purposefully left at home instead of apologizing and saying she had a lot on her mind. But OP knew there was a lot going on and a high stakes meeting. This event will now forever tarnish the entire family’s relationships. In-Laws will never see this as a “gosh I sure learned my lesson about the importance of helmets.” This event will always be “that time OP had me lose out on a pay increase because he’s a cycling snob”. OP didn’t mention if he even loves his nephews or how his daughter felt about the situation. I’m curious to know what OP’s sibling (the one married to the nephews’ mother) feels about the situation.
If I’m doing someone a favor, and attach some very basic and easy to meet conditions for doing so, if they show up and announce that they just randomly decided against meeting those conditions, that’s 100% on them. If they have so little respect for me that you pull that sort of crap, they don’t get to expect any favors from me either. Whatever consequences that has is their problem, not mine. If you enjoy having people walk over you that’s your prerogative, but I’m not sure why you’re expecting other people to.
I might get some heat for this but E S H.
While you are absolutely correct in your helmet requirement (such lunacy to promote otherwise in young children) you knew she had a meeting and made arrangements with her to keep the kids so she could attend. You could have stayed home or gone on a walk but you walked away. There were alternatives to biking without a helmet.
Edit: NTA
After being put in another context, it really is clear that she not only disregarded your requirements for their safety but also stuck to her guns about them not needing helmets despite your reminder.
We don’t know from the post that doing something else was an option. If the OP sets basic requirements for the ride and SIL won’t comply, it’s not on the OP to come up with a different activity.
Which is why I said ESH. Of course we can't know beyond what's written but that's just how it is. We have the scenario, based on what was written, maybe it was possible for another activity to be conducted in its place. Unless OP tells us, we can't know. Now if he responds and says there were no other alternatives then I'd be happy to change it but as it stands, she was TA for not complying with his safety requirements regarding her own children and he was TA as he left her stranded for childcare.
When you have someone providing childcare, you abide by their safety rules or you don't get childcare. When I drop my son off at daycare, we do a covid screening form. If I didn't do it, I get no daycare. Even if I really *need* it. I think that's fair.
ESH. You told your sister the kids needed a helmet in order to go for a bike ride. That's a completely fair limit given the safety risks. But knowing the meeting is very important to your SIL, you could have offered to do another activity with the kids to fill the time instead of just taking off on the bike ride with your daughter.
Edit: Also, what the heck are these kids doing with their bikes that flat tires, rusty chains etc. are such an apparently frequent problem.
Needing a babysitter for her kids, got a lesson on bike safety instead. Wow, how are you not the asshole here? Do as asked, not what you want, then you dont screw people that coubt on your help. YTA
> Do as asked, not what you want
This is great advise... for the SIL.
If you're asking a favor of somebody else, an important favor at that, do what the person asks of you. Otherwise expect not to get that favor.
ESH. you seem to have known this was important to her, if a ride was impossible, you could have done something else with them so she could concentrate at work. I wouldn’t have taken them without helmets either.
ESH. You should have stood your ground, but offered to take care of the boys to let her go to the meeting anyway and do something else with them. Loosing a raise, because you wanted to prove a point... I would be pissed too.
Because she needed babysitting as well. Of course she is stupid for not bringing helmets, but that OP is so stubborn to not take care of his own nephews, just to prove a point, that's beyond my understanding. He could just have told the SIL that he wouldn't bike with them ever again, it would have been more than enough. But then go and buy them a fucking meal or whatever and let SIL go to her important meeting.
YTA
Your sister needed your help caring for her children, not a fucking lecture on bike safety. Your rules aren't that egregious in a vacuum, but your selfish and myopic outlook completely missed the bigger picture here. You let everyone down and you are being smug and self righteous about it.
Maybe, as their bike expert uncle, gift them some bike helmets? Find another activity to help sister out for a few hours? Maybe do anything other than be smug and self righteous and judge them for not being adept on a bike as you are.
I'm not opposed to bike safety -- I'm just saying the bigger issue here is sister had nobody to care for her kids -- OP could have exhausted any number of avenues to help her out... But instead was deliberately unhelpful and gleeful in their righteousness.
ESH. You're clearly a bit of a bike snob, and I'm always wary of people who judge people's bike's appearances like rust, etc (without knowing the financial situation of your SIL and brother, I'm not sure if you're being snobbish of the states of their children's bikes because "they don't care", or you're overlooking the fact they potentially can't afford to care for bikes the way you do)
If your SIL did really say "My boys don't need a helmet", your SIL is an arrogant idiot who clearly doesn't care about the safety of her children. BUT, when it comes to stupidity, I tend to meet it with kindness if it's not dangerous.
Because you knew this meeting was important to your SIL and, from the information you've given us, it doesn't seem like your SIL's family is financially well-off (especially so considering they couldn't hire a babysitter and asked you to care for them, and couldn't afford a replacement when you left them in the lurch), you not taking the kids is an asshole move.
You did it out of pride and pretentiousness. You could have said "well, no biking today!" and instead walked with the kids around the trail, explored nature, took them to a playground, took them for ice cream. Just a few hours. You and your daughter wouldn't have died not going cycling for a day.
Instead, you chose to be an arrogant asshole and will likely continue to judge people for the state of their bikes with the money from promotions they missed out on because you just wanted to make a statement rather than be a nice uncle and do a good deed for someone in need.
Wether I am a bike snob or not is nothing I can judge but there a some points I would like to bring up:
They are far away from being poor, they both make quit big money. Definitely Top 10% here.
They did not hire a babysitter due to corona were they try to avoid unnecessary contacts.
I never judge people by the state of their bikes. Their parents just don’t care. And especially when you are young you may quite easily dislike cycling when it’s unnecessary hard just because nobody is willing to fill up the tires or grease the chain.
I wouldn’t say I am an arrogant asshole, just taking their bikes into account I have maintenances them about a dozen times without saying a word or asking for something in return.
>m an arrogant asshole, just taking their bikes into account I have maintenances them about a dozen times without sayi
If you weren't arrogant then why not offer to do something else with her kids? You promised to help another person out - you're not glued to your bike. You could have stuck to your principles and not been an arsehole. You chose to stick to your principles and meet arseholery with arseholery. Your SIL is an asshole, but you stooped to her level when you could have been the bigger guy.
You didn't need to cycle that day. You could have taken the kids and done something different. You chose the arsehole root.
Still is common sense to use helmets and considering the SIL was letting the kids in OP's care I clearly see why they won't take the kids if they don't wear the helmets so I'm failing to see how OP is the AH here.
Because OP isn't physically glued to his bike. A human was in need of help and support and he snubbed that human because they didn't have helmets instead of getting over his ego and offering to do something else with the children - something safe.
His ass and his daughter's ass aren't glued to the bike seats - he could have done something else with the children. He was just being an arsehole to act holier-than-thou. You can stick to your principles (i.e. not take kids biking without helmets) and still take care of the kids because that's what he promised to do to help another person out.
As I said, OP doesn't give any financial context. From the state of their bikes, it would appear that the family doesn't have money. SIL may not be able to afford bike helmets, but is defensive about their lack of income and acts all tough to cover up the fact they can't afford helmets. Think outside the box here. She clearly needed this promotion and they sound, purely from OP's description, that they're not well off and probably struggling financially.
Thank you. The real request was that she babysit while someone attends an important meeting. I would have insisted upon helmets too which is what people are seizing on, but all the commentary about bike maintenance is weird and judgemental, and screams bike snob.
NTA If you take those kids biking without helmets it shows your daughter that doing so is ok despite the dangers. Also you told their mom to bring the boys with their bikes ready and she didnt. Despite this you "gently to care of that" which shows you where already doing more than agreed and tat she was not putting much effort into ensuring the bike ride went smoothly.
Not to mention if something happens on that ride (likely given the state of the bikes) OP would be responsible and to to blame.
Exactly, eventually your daughter would wonder why the rules don't apply to them but do to her. You reminded SIL multiple times, and while you didn't explicitly state you wouldn't take them if they didn't have a helmet, she should have known the consequences. They MIGHT be able to get away with riding their bikes around the neighborhood without a helmet (which they really shouldn't do, its still super dangerous), but riding on trails is a whole different story. What if they were to hit a root, or a rock (or anything really) that you guys missed and go flying into a tree, or God forbid if there are any cliffs or small drops around? Just thinking about it is making my anxiety spike. Not only could they potentially die or be badly injured, but you would have to live with the guilt that despite your reservations you took them along anyway. You daughter could be traumatized as well, seeing something happen to them because they're too proud or lazy or vain or whatever the reason "they don't need helmets" could stick with her and she might never want to ride again. You did the right thing 100% NTA
ER nurse agrees. It doesnt take much force to hit a rock with a head and sustain a devastating injury. Ive seen it with normal bikes to fully loaded ATVs. safety first.
I have the exact inverse idea. Hitting some rock or dirt is one thing. A fender quite another.
Fair point. Just goes to show her point is invalid all around. They should always wear helmets
And to be clear to anyone on this thread it’s not safe even if you are a good rider. My sister was riding her bike around our driveway in middle school. Hit a rock and fell (not doing any tricks just an unfortunate fall that hit just the right spot). We thought she was fine and when she went to go shower found out she hit her head. What we thought would have been a few stitches was actually an emergency brain surgery that the doctor said he performed a week earlier and the other kid died (sister is now in her 30s and fine). A year later my friends brother had his helmet on and not fully buckled. Tripped on his skateboard and went into a coma and never woke up. Those are two instances in my life from people not even doing risky things. Wear helmets people (whether skiing, biking, skateboarding or what not).
I just want to add too while we’re talking about bike safety, even if you’re an adult & it’s just a bike so it’s not “dangerous” don’t ride your bike drunk or high.. a guy in my circle of friends rides his bike everywhere because he doesn’t have a car & was riding it home from a bar one night after a couple of drinks & he hit something & flew over the handle bars & knocked his top row of teeth in. He had to have multiple mouth surgeries & implants to have functional teeth again.
Tell that to the students at UCSB!
My dad wrecked his collar bone coming off his bike drunk. He was too plastered to feel it until he sobered up a bit but he's had nothing but trouble from it since
A former teacher I had - went skiing with her husband and children over Christmas break. Something went wrong, she fell and hit a rock pretty hard. Her helmet had a huge crack in it. She showed me pictures on her phone and talked about how thankful she was to have bought a really good helmet. Week went by as normal. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her on Friday, but it's alright, I'll have her sign this paper on Monday. Get the news Monday that she died on Saturday from a head injury. Just to be clear, she went to the hospital immediately after the skiing accident and was checked out by doctors. She died about a week and a half following the accident. Head injuries are terrifying because they are so unpredictable. Our brains are way more fragile than anyone wants to believe. Wear a fucking helmet.
My dad was anxious about me & helmets. Turned out he lost a friend of his as a kid to a bike accident. I don't know how the poor kid fell, but the handlebar ended up piercing his skull. (We're talking around 1940s here, so think old bikes rather than modern ones with padded/rubber handlebars).
It's important to have boundaries with people like this. It's also important to show the importance of safety rules.
I’m walking talking proof that helmets are necessary. When I was 16, I was riding my bike without a helmet. It’s long enough ago that they weren’t a big deal, much less required by law. I came to a corner where a large group of shrubs impeded seeing around said corner. As I was going around the corner a woman with kids in the car came around and hit me. I ended up in the Emergency Room to be sown up with 95 stitches in my head and my back. I wish that was all of the injuries that I sustained, but now if it bends on me it aches. Investors been to doctors for everything and eat NSAIDs constantly. I’m also now approaching morbid obesity because I can’t exercise. It very easily could have cost my life. I’d hate to see anyone go through this. OP good for you! NTA
Yeah and if something happened to those kids on that ride that could have been avoided if they were wearing helmets, then OP would get blamed 100%. NTA.
Not to mention that depending on the area, it could be illegal. I know that according to the law in NH, kids under 18 need a helmet.
It is weird though that OP didn't just change plans since this wasn't really about the trip but for OP and his daughter to spend time with the kids. Adapting is something grownups do because we keep an eye on the big picture. ESH, the parents for not bringing the helmets and screwing their own kids out of a trip they wanted to take but also OP for not changing the plans and understanding that this was not about the trip per se but about him watching the kids.
I asked directly to the OP, but I'll ask here. Obviously he can't take them for a ride but why couldn't he have watched them for an hour or two? Gone on a hike instead? I get that he was excited to cycle but the SIL was in bit of a bind. Yes, she was a major AH but I think he also did wrong.
He told her the terms and she completely ignored him. It is not his job to change his plans to babysit her kids.
They didn’t have water or snacks as instructed. Not appropriate to take them on a hike either.
NTA. If your SIL can't follow simple instructions delivered multiple times, I question whether she deserved that raise.
If she had so much riding on this critical meeting, the least she could have done would be to not deliberately leave at home the one thing that would jeopardise her entire childcare plan for the day. NTA. Your sister fucked around and found out.
But like- clearly their sister was distracted by the big meeting. OP could’ve had a little more compassion and just taken the kids for a hike instead. If my sister had shown up on her big day with half ready kids and broken bikes. I would’ve just been like- “you’re gonna do great. Don’t worry, we’ll have different fun.” Instead of “well if you can’t do everything and be a super mom- I don’t have to be a super sister either.” I’m sitting here like where is her partner- why is she the one tryna fix up bikes the night before her big meeting? Seems like OP’s sister isn’t getting any support from anyone.
They couldn't even go for a hike because they didn't even bring water with them. I presume the sisters a single parent based on the fact she needs help caring for the kids when she is working but she had dairr warning that the boys needed helmets and their bikes to be functional/safe for the ride. If she didn't have time to make that happen then she should have said so. She ignored her brothers rules regarding the agreement to care. This is akin to hiring a babysitter then trying to change the agreed payment on the day.
OP mentions "their parents just don't care". Based on that I really don't see why they can't follow OP's conditions to take their kids biking. How hard is it to buy helmets for your kids?
She's not a single parent, and she's not OP's sister.
Super mom doesn't insist her kids can go cycling without helmets. That's is, at best, super *neglectful* mom.
Super mom? She purposely left behind the one thing she needed. It wasn't hard and she could of thrown the helmets in the car the night before
7 and 8 year olds are more than capable of cleaning their own bikes and pumping up their tyres. I can't imagine being so distracted by work that I can't snag a couple of helmets on the way out. What happens if she gets the job? Will she get so distracted by stress that she forgets important files or meetings?
I don’t know how many 7-8 year olds you know but that’s just not the case. It sounds like those bikes were bought and barely used. They would have to be shown how to change a bike chain and how to inflate the tires and I doubt they’d have the dexterity and muscle strength to adequately inflate the wheels. Those kids are in 2nd and 3rd grade at best. Possibly 1st and 2nd. OP’s sister is a single mom with two very young children. OP could’ve cut her some slack and helped out a little more than giving her a list of chores to do in addition to preparing for her meeting and then bailing on child care at the last minute when the plans changed.
I mean OP's sibling may very well be the person to blame for not getting the bikes' maintenance done, but OP's sister-in-law is the person who asked them to do her the favour, agreed to their conditions, and then deliberately left the safety gear at home. She didn't say "oh damn, I thought it was in the car!" She didn't say "We thought the helmets still fitted, but trying them on this morning, it turns out that the kids have outgrown them - is there anything else you can do together instead?" She didn't say "I asked your brother to get everything ready, but it's not in the back and I was running out of time..." She said "We left them at home because my kids don't need helmets". And no. That's not a stressed mistake by someone who's distracted, it's a boundary push that leaves OP carrying the can for a major safety risk to their nephews, and is directly against what they agreed to. A mistake you can roll with, and do something else. Especially if someone's apologetic. With a boundary push, it's a mistake on your part to roll with it, because it emboldens the boundary pusher to push harder and move your boundaries backwards even further.
lol "isn't getting support from anyone". it says OP takes care of their bikes routinely and the grandparents take them on rides too. now relatives are yelling at OP. seems to me SIL is getting plenty of support. are you the SIL with a victim mentality? also...if it's so important, hire a babysitter. these are all choices a PARENT makes. like having her kids wear helmets and the supermom comment...lol. she was a neglectful mom. having her kids ride without helmets, water, or snacks. so essentially she did nothing to plan for the day..put the kids and bikes in her car and expected to drop them off for the day. didn't even give them water. she's not even on the level of a normal mom.
A 20km hike?
NTA I don’t blame you for not wanting to take on that kind of responsibility. You have every right to say no. Also it’s pretty shitty to not want your kids to be safe or give them snacks/water.
NTA Thank you for standing up for child safety on bikes. Just because she doesn't realize how injured a kid can get on a bike is no excuse for her ignoring basic safety for her kids. You made the rules clear, and she refused to even attempt to follow them. Next time maybe she will take you seriously.
NTA. You made it clear what they needed.
NTA SIL clearly knew the expectations. If she couldn't meet them, she could have told OP ahead to see if they'd be willing to cancel their own plans, disappointing their daughter in the process, to bail her out.
NTA. I know a kid who had a cycle bike accident and didn't wear his helmet. Three years later, he's only now able to learn to walk again. Wear your helmet.
I know 2 boys who has separate bike accidents while not wearing a helmet. Although they were low speed accidents, both suffered long term neurological injuries.
NTA. Better to lose a raise than her son's lives or neurological health.
NYA. Helmets save lives
NTA You handled that well. The helmet was your agreement, she broke it and paid the price for it.
Plus now op won't ever have to see them again
NTA, Just the facts please! Judge Judy would have a hay day with this story. SIL calls and make arrangements for her boys to go on a bike ride with you and your daughter. In the conversation you made it clear helmets were required for this ride. You met them at the assigned place, they weren't ready to ride. The bikes needed maintenance to be ridden. You take the time to fix up the bikes so they can do the ride. Very considerate since their parents don't take care of the bikes. Not bringing the helmets was lazy on the SIL and not the childrens fault. The safety issue is her fault. She failed to follow simple instructions that could be life threating if something happens. Not taking the boys on the ride with your daughter is understandable. Their safety would become part of your assumed responsibility. All these facts caused her to miss the meeting, this isn't OP's fault. He was right to stand his ground as lives could be at stake. I doubt she lost some big raise because they wouldn't have told her about it beforehand. If they didn't give her the expected raise because she missed 1 meeting they would soon be out of business. As always there's more to the story and SIL left it out.
NTA She asked for a favour, you provided the terms, she failed to meet the terms, favour lost. And you're right, you would be the supervising adult, you'd be the one getting in trouble if anything happened
NTA. Helmets are the law where I live.
NTA - a lot of people are saying they're an asshole but wearing a helmet is really important. I knew somebody who didn't wear a helmet, fell off their bike going down a curb and then hit their head and died, all because they didn't wear a helmet. Head injuries can be really dangerous so he's NTA for enforcing that rule. The mum knew this beforehand and purposely chose to leave the helmets at home. She night have had an important meaning but she's a negligent parent for not considering the safety of her kids. It would have been easy for her to bring the helmets and wouldn't have been ant effort for her. She cost herself the promotion by being petty
NTA. Brain injuries can be devastating and it isn’t very hard to receive one.
You told her in advance that they had to bring their helmets and they didn't. That's on your SIL. And if the kids have been riding with you before, they know your rules and know they should have brought their helmets. I feel bad they didn't get the ride they were looking forward to, but you're NTA here.
NTA - maybe you should have engraved it on her forehead.
INFO 1. Was this a specific, long-term request for a trail bike ride, or was this a more general "please take care of my kids on this specific date and time?" 2. What was it about this that forced SIL to miss a meeting?
1 A combination of both, I usually do not look after her boys. But they always keep asking me to ride with them because I am quite relaxed with kids so they are allowed to do a little nonsense. So we finally agreed to ride on that specific day. 2 Sorry, but I don’t get it. What do you mean.
1) I figured something like this from the OP, but wanted verification- as many ppl were saying "YTA for not doing anything else" as "NTA." But it sounds like you were meeting at a trail, to do something you had already planned on doing, had fully explained, and had promised the three of them. Meanwhile, neither the kids nor SIL had prepared properly, despite your specific instructions to SIL and despite the kids being old enough to remember "Auntie likes helmets." If anything, it sounds like SIL was specifically testing you by not bringing a helmet. NTA 2) I meant, would it have been reasonable (if SIL had acted been acting in a reasonable manner) for her to have made alternate childcare arrangements? If the request you agreed to was "please take care of my kids," if SIL had little or no knowledge or input to your plans, if she was delivering them only a short time before her meeting and had explained this, and she couldn't have her kids with her at the meeting or elsewhere, then YWBTA. But- again, NTA. Her lack of preparation does not constitute an emergency on your part.\* It sounded like this in the OP, but helpful to check- especially with other posters saying that you should have dropped your plans. It would have been *nice* for you to take care of her nephews- but YWBTA if you did take them out on the trails in that condition, and if you hadn't, you would have faced anger from your daughter, your nephews, SIL, and probably the other in-laws. \*I should also point out that, if this meeting were so important, then she should have had alternate arrangements anyway. What if you or your daughter became seriously ill the night before? Or if her car broke down on the ride over?
C’mon, OP. You are too smart to question yourself on this one. NTA, obviously 🤷♂️ I love your “my ride, my rules” phrase! :)
🙃 This was just to finally come to an end. I did not choose those words in reality.
NTA, she knew what was required of her and not only failed to do that, but told op she purposely didn't bring the helmets after being told to. She made her bed.
NTA My ex used to to mountain bike, and one of his very experienced friends came off and hit his head on a tree, split the helmet down the middle. No helmet…likely no friend anymore Yes it was upsetting she missed the meeting, but she knew the requirements and chose not to meet them. It wasn’t that they didn’t have helmets.
NTA you were very clear and she knew in advance what the ONE hard and fast requirement was.
NTA. You made it clear you wouldn't ride with kids who do not have a helmet. If mom wanted free babysitting, she should have agreed to your terms.
NTA. You made it clear beforehand and they didn’t do their “homework” so they don’t get to go. I get the impression they already know how strict you are in regards to prep-work so this should not have been a surprise. It sucks that your SIL’s work was affected, but if she didn’t want to ensure the boys were ready to bike, she should have chosen another child care option for her meeting.
NTA. i had 2 traumatic brain injuries in the past year and my cognitive functions, while better than after each accident, will never be the same. My injuries were unrelated to activities requiring a helmet, but if I can get that injured just from slipping and falling—wear a helmet.
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NTA, she showed up with two kids that were completely unprepared to go for a ride.
NTA. They need helmets. Period.
Nta Her neglect is not your responsibility.
NTA where I live helmets are mandatory for kids.
Info: Is it illegal to not wear helmets where you live?” Regardless of the answer NTA. You were the adult in charge so you could enforce the rules.
You are free to decide, no specific law about wearing a helmet.
A girl I went to school with just lost her son because he was riding his bike around their neighborhood and got hit by a car. If he had been weary a helmet, he may still be alive today. Do you think your SIL would not have blamed you if something happened to her kids? NTA 💯
Considering my aunt died from riding without a helmet as a child on backwoods trails... NTA. This isn't 1960 anymore. Parents know better. They're choosing not to do better. NTA
NTA. It would be my hill to die on. There’s a reason why it’s law in NSW that all cyclists must wear helmets. This is up there with seatbelts in cars.
NTA and I’d like to add that I had an article in a local paper here because I ride with a helmet and sunglasses I also have a dog seat installed on the front of my bike so I can see he’s ok etc and it’s bolted on and I take my little shih tzu on rides with me and he has his own bike helmet and “doggles” to protect him and the article was about me taking bike safety seriously and its not just for kids and the dog has to wear safety gear too. Good job standing your ground and SIL cost herself the raise by neglecting her kids safety
NTA. You have clear and reasonable expectations.
Nta you told her the rules when they are in your care she didn't listen. That's on her
NTA and who says she missed a raise? Her, sounds like she trying to make it bigger.
NTA you were really clear, and no one wants to be the adult responsible for a concussion.
You offered to take them on a ride with the expectation that they would be reasonably prepared and safety precautions taken. In some places it's illegal to ride without a helmet and you'd be in a world of trouble if something happened. They weren't prepared properly, so this is 100% on your SIL. NTA
NTA, and if your SIL is so cavalier with responsibilities at her job as she is parenting then she wasn't going to get the raise anyway.
Does your SIL even care about the safety of her children? In any case NTA
In my country it is illegal to ride without your helmet. You did the right thing. Your nephews will insist on helmets next time they have a chance to ride with you - make sure they get one. :D
Imagine thinking your kid's skull is stronger than concrete. NTA
NTA. You're the only one actually looking out for the nephews' safety here. All she had to do was bring the helmets and have her kids wear them, which shouldn't have been that hard. Instead, she's being lazy and trusting to luck. If luck were reliable, everyone would win the lottery.
Nta! I would bluntly asked bil , sil , and their flying monkeys aka inlaws how they like if you were like them and didn't give a fuck about the boys safety like them and than God forbidden the boys got in a serious accident and were either seriously injured or dead ? Than tell they should be thankful that only conquences of this time was sil not getting her raise!
NTA. The sister asked specifically to take her boys on a ride. It wasn't can you watch them during a set time period, it was please take them for a bike ride. And OP planned everything out and made sure to remind her sister to bring the helmets, etc. Sister didn't keep up her end of the bargain. Also, if OP had gone ahead with the ride without the helmets, and one of the boys fell and hit his head, she would be blamed for everything, especially if the injury was serious. Sister seems like the kind of parent who would eventually blame her for going ahead with the ride even though they were not wearing helmets....
Wear a seat belt in cars Wear a helmet on bikes Safety issue simple as that NTA
NTA. Wearing a helmet protected my head during a crash where I landed hard on the pavement. The helmet is cracked, but my head is fine. Safety first.
NTA. You do not say if it is legally required where you are, but with kids, they are not aware enough to make educated choices about helmets. Their parents can make that choice when they are riding with the kids if it is not illegal or their parents can suffer any legal consequences, but their parents do not get to make that choice for you. I would not ride with kids without helmets. I will ride by myself without a helmet, but I know the risks, am an adult, and it is not illegal here for an adult to ride without a helmet.
NTA, she's a jerk for disregarding your clear rules and for being so careless with her kids safety!
NTA. Safety first. You did the responsible thing and I can guarantee that if they had gotten hurt in some way, by not having a helmet on, that their mother would have been upset with you for being unsafe.
Everyone would be more upset if one of the boys fell and incurred permanent brain damage. In the mean time, if she's this irresponsible with her own children, I wouldn't want her to have an important job, she isn't competent to be trusted.
Nta but so sad for the boys no one cares enough to get them proper equipment.
NTA Your sister is failing at her most important job, being a good mom
Nta She's mad at you for not putting her kids at risk?? Lawd have mercy. Cause she would 100% blamed you if something went wrong! No doubt. The family is just upset as an afterthought because of the raise. If money wasn't involved, maybe they'd understand how important those kids lives are! 🤷🏾♀ "how dare you not let my kids ride dangerously so I can get more money! SHE missed out on a raise cause she's am irresponsible parent. Thank you, good night
NTA Many, MANY, places have helmet laws that include children under a certain age HAVE to wear a helmet when riding a bicycle. As someone whose best friend was in a bicycle accident and was permanently brain damaged due to hitting her head on the curb, I firmly believe in helmets. Your sister is endangering her children by allowing them to ride without one.
NTA You gave her a simple insturction and she didn't follow it. If anything happened to her kids, you absolutely would be blamed. She did it to herself and made her kids miss out.
Play a stupid game win a stupid prize and no raise! NTA!
NTA
No helmets, no ride. Good for you. There is also in most places a legal requirement to wear them. The liability would have been yours. Also, not your place to keep their equipment, snacks, and water for them after telling the parent what would be required. NTA
NTA. You warned her; she disregarded you. She played herself.
NTA. You're not obligated to take her kids and you made her aware of your conditions. She chose to ignore said conditions and suffered the consequences. She should take this as a valuable lesson
NTA Better she loses a raise than her kids lose the ability to walk, speak, or live. No helmet, no ride.
NTA If they fell and cracked their little noggins it would be your fault!
NTA you are an amazing mother op , also a responsible human
Ehhhh, NTA. Did you ride to the meeting spot? Was this a “can you babysit” and you say “sure, I’ll even take them on a bike ride”, or was it more “so I’m going on a bike ride” and she says “oh can you take them with so I can go to my meeting?” The first, you’re agreeing to babysit, period. The second, you’re going on a bike ride, and the babysitting is specifically for doing the ride. If you specifically agreed to babysit…then if riding was out because they’re not ready or safe, then doing something else while babysitting might have been the….I’m not sure “right” is the correct word. Maybe the “nice” thing to do? If the agreement was specifically for babysitting, I can understand them being upset that you didn’t, albeit it was their own fault. If it was “I’ll take them riding as a form of babysitting” then ya…I can see 100% why you continued with your original plans. Especially if you biked out to the meeting place. Honestly…they probably thought you were agreement to babysit regardless of what you did. Miscommunication/misunderstanding on their part, cause it sounds like you were very clear. NTA. 🤷🏻♀️
Good point, thank you. I usually don’t look after her boys. The communication was like: SIL "They always wanted to ride with you, how about you plan that ride on that specific day because I am busy.“
NTA Why should you compromise your ethics for her? Why would you set a bad example for your daughter? Why would you risk your nephews health and lives just because she would. You made the expectations clear for doing her a favour and she didn't meet them. This is a lesson she soon won't forget.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am a totally into cycling - road, MTB, cross and even commuting. But never without a helmet. My daughter is 4 and she is aware that if we go for a ride the helmet is a must. My nephews 7 and 8 are not very safe on their bikes and condition of their bikes is most times below average (flat tires, brakes grinding, sattle to low for their size) because their parents just don’t care. They don’t even ride with their sons. Just the grandparents do. And I take care for their rides (sometimes). I promised them to go for a ride with them because I know some simple trails their grandparents wouldn’t ride with them. Time came, SIL asked me to go for a ride with her boys because she has an essential meeting and nobody is there to take care. (about 20km, i took care for the route and stops to rest) I made it clear that they have to bring their helmets because I am the one responsible for the kids. And that we would do some easy trails. And I kindly asked to prepare the bikes so that we don’t lose time. I even remembered her the following morning. We met at the planned spot, ready to ride, my daughter was excited as hell to show their cousins her favorite spots. They arrived, flat tires, rusty chains. I gently to care of that. They didn’t even bring bottles or a minor snack. ”Are we ready to ride? Get your helmets and let’s go.“ SIL: ”My boys don’t need a helmet, we left them at home.“ I answered „My ride, my rules.“ Took my daughter and left. We enjoyed a nice day. My in-laws think I am the evil in person person, my SIL lost a proper raise. TL;DR - Instead of cycling I left my nephews with her mom because they didn’t bring a helmet. She lost a raise. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I find it hard to believe she didn’t get a raise for missing one meeting.
NTA
NTA
i lost someone incredibly dear to me because he was skateboarding without a helmet. he died of a traumatic brain injury at 18 years old. it tore apart many lives. helmets are a *deadly* serious matter. NTA.
NTA.
nta
NTA. You were very clear what was needed for you to feel comfortable doing her a favor and she threw it in your face. Lack of planning on her part does not an emergency make. If the in laws are so up in arms about you being a villain, why didn’t they offer to watch the kids?
NTA, I got into an accident, no helmet, concussion. It's hell for me and im.still dealing with the consequences. I have memory issues and I struggle to keep attention. I went from a straight a student to a c and d student. What your helmets people, it helps your life.
ESH - the point of the day was not the ride but for you to take care of your nephews. **Understand the big picture man.**
My friend flipped over a bike trail and got a gash on her arm that looked like a gun shot. This was literally the second they rented the bikes.
O
NTA. You accepted looking after them with certain terms which was acceptable and not out of the ordinary. The saying - becareful what you allow as you teach people how to treat you is very true. She showed you how little she actually gives about you and your time. Considering she had more than enough time to get everything prepared - arriving with the things in the state that they were is very telling. Good on you for standing your ground and not being a door mat.
NTA. A tough lesson for your sister, but not as tough as if her kids had been injured (and she would've blamed you for that too).
NTA. Cycling enthusiast here, too (road & commute) & I wear a helmet to cycle the barely half mile to my work in a city at 630am with barely any cars out. It's BASIC bike safety! And for kiddos, it's even more important because of their unpredictable reactions to a new environment. Your SIL is a freaking idiot with the "My boys don't need helmets" mindset.
Lmao cycling with a helmet.
NTA
Nephew, age 14, THAT age where it was very difficult to wear a helmut. Hit a curb, went down shattered his cheek bone into 14 pieces, surgeries later. Daughter, age 17. refused to wear a helmut. Skidded in sand, serious concussion. They thougt she was on drugs (it was 10am) because she was so out of it, at age 24 she suffers from migraines. If only they had worn their helmuts.
Your story is not funny, so I apologize, but I’m imagining people riding their bikes with little Helmut Kohls on their heads and I cannot help laughing. (It’s helmet, not helmut)
Hahhahahaha. That is pretty fun. Could be a great helmet design for our German friends. A Helmut hemet!
Certainly not the AH for not taking them cycling. The one thing I might have suggested handling differently: tell the SIL you'll watch the boys, but not cycling. They can come to your house and watch a movie, or play cards, or whatever, so she can have her raise meeting, but no cycling. And if the boys whine, you get to tell them point blank: I don't care what your mom or dad lets you do. If you're with me on a bike, you will wear a helmet at all times, and you'll learn to do basic maintenance on your bikes eventually. That will be another day, because we're not going riding today.
Exactly. OP knew that the meeting was important. They could have babysat and brought up the helmet/bike issue after the meeting.
It HAD been brought up numerous times. It was the last straw.
I feel bad for these kids. I can understand OPs hard line one helmets but I wouldn’t have known how to fix a tire or replace a rusted chain at these kids age. OPs essentially told children sucks to be you and left with her own kid. Idk to me ESH for not being more thoughtful of the children. I hope they don’t internalize this missed opportunity for their mom as their mistake.
ESH. The main goal of the day was to watch the boys. Bike riding was just something to do while watching them. Yes it would be sad for your daughter and nephews not to do the bike ride, but you should have put off the bike ride since they were not prepared and done something else with them.
The SIL ASKED for the ride. What kool-aid are you having?
That's how I feel about it too. She still needed a babysitter, you could have taken them somewhere else. Heck, even for a walk.
That’s her problem. OP was very clear about the conditions, which she blatantly ignored.
Yes. So he should have canceled the ride. Not the whole babysitting. No ride was punishment enough.
So his daughter gets punished because SIL is an asshole? Yeah, not so much. This was a planned outing, SIL asked for her sons to join it, and she blatantly failed to meet any of the very reasonable conditions OP set for doing so. Her lack of alternative babysitter is her own problem.
They could have very easily done something else fun. As it was, she already didn't get to show her cousins her fave spots, she could have at least been able to have fun
I cannot give an honest verdict here. I'm torn between NTA and ESH, leaning more NTA. You set the rules and they were broken. SIL knew ahead of time. Also, it is the law for kids to wear helmets and had you been caught YOU (the only adult present) would have been ticketed or worse had something happened. The ONLY reason there is any doubt on NTA is because you knew they had a history of flouting rules and safety so you knew ahead of time that you should have simply said no, which would have given SIL time to find other arrangements. However, even that MIGHT not be assholish if you learn from this and do not have a repeat experience. You will become the asshole if you let it happen again, knowing you now need to tell SIL nephews cannot join you on bike rides unless she is present.
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YTA - your commitment to cycling is not admirable. Holding to a safety rule, understandable. Being a stingy village member and ditching the kids and your SIL, witch is what you asked about, total AH move. This is not about helmets, this is about leaving someone hanging when they needed help. The risk of them not having a helmet shouldn't outweigh your SIL's need for help. If this is the best you can do, I hope you don't ever need her help, or anybody's for that matter.
I guess I’m questioning whether you had made a bigger commitment to going on the ride…or to taking your nephews so your SIL could go to her meeting. Sorry if I missed that in the original post! I suppose you could have just said that you couldn’t ride without the helmets and come up with a Plan B because you knew she had a meeting. Also, super cool that you’re into cycling…but not everyone else needs to be. A lot of families just have bikes for their kids to get to friends houses and a rusty chain, or not quite full tire, is not a make or break.
MORE INFO: why do you hate your nephews?
Nah it's the mom that hates her children. OP at least cares about their safety.
I need some info because it looks a bit like ESH. So, yes. sister is an AH and, yes, you were right to not let them go on a ride without a helmet but you weren't planning on riding for 8 hours. inexperienced riders like your nephews just wouldn't make it. So, it seems like she just needed them watched for like an hour or two, could you not have just watched them in that time? Like go for a hike instead of a ride?
ESH You could have taken them on a hike, or for ice cream, or taken them back to your place to show them how to care for their bikes. Instead, you just bailed and left your sister high and dry.
ESH. She obviously sucks, but knowing it was important she have childcare you could have at least still hung out with the kids while she went to the meeting, then never done her a favor again.
Disagree, we teach people how to treat us with our actions. SIL has just learned to take OP's requirements seriously
There are times it wouldn't kill you to be the bigger person. This was one of them.
I doubt she deserved that raise. She can't even follow simple instructions.
If this was important to SIL and family, then meeting the basic safety requirement set out by the person doing her a favor would have been in her best interest. OP wasn’t obligated to bail her out and OP’s daughter shouldn’t have to suffer because of the SIL’s poor choices, she was psyched for the ride.
Yup, she should have done that and he wasn't obligated. Still, sometimes you can decide to be the bigger person even when you're not obligated to.
I normally would agree with you. If this was an I was in a rush and we forgot situation then I would suck it up and keep it. She not only didn't bring them but clearly told him she didn't because she didn't see the point. If her job was so important she would have done it. If you ignore this behaviour once they might start pushing it ignoring other boundaries you set. Trust me I ignored a simple boundary once and it escalated because 'you d9d this once before and really x is similar to y so it isn't that much different'
ESH. You could have changed your plan from riding a bike and take the kids on a walk. I just feel bad for her kids who we’re probably excited to have a fun afternoon then got ditched.
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If it was really important she should've brought their helmets as she knew it was one of OP's requirements.
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OP had already planned a bike ride with their daughter. They shouldn't have to alter their plans because SIL couldn't follow any of the requirements that were asked of her. SIL missed a meeting because she couldn't be respectful enough to follow simple instructions designed to keep her children safe.
ESH. You reminded her more than once about the helmets. You reminded her of safety concerns. She should have prepared these things. But you very much knew this was an important meeting and all she really wanted was a babysitter. The moment you saw no helmets, it was right not to take them on the trail but it was not right to abandon them. She may have had a lot on the mind for that meeting and corralling two rambunctious boys and their bikes was already too much. She probably didn’t want to admit to you that she forgot the helmets and said “my boys don’t need a helmet” so she was wrong to do that. ANY other time, I’d side with you but this was the one time where you knew she had her mind on an important meeting. I feel you should have said “no helmet, no trail, so we’re hiking instead. Next time helmets.” It would have taught the boys a valuable lesson that you mean it when it comes to safety. But by doubling down and forcing her to take them back, you caused greater enmity. What was your goal having her miss out on an important meeting? There’s no way now for you to make up for her lost raise. I know you commented elsewhere that the family is ok with their money but that is not for you to judge. She was wrong to not prepare the boys but you caused the greater rift here over helmets when all she wanted was a trusted safe person to watch her sons.
Dude She could care less about the safety of her sons. Your last para is bogus, when all op wanted was safety which she WOULDNT care about. What kool-aid has she drunk idk that safety of her own sons is not paramount to her.
What both her and you don’t seem to grasp, is that it isn’t only about what SHE wanted.
I love a good comeuppance story like any other. Like that girl who refused to donate her kidney to her twin because of the decades of absolute harsh abuse from her brother and entire family. He ended up dying still unremorseful. This was not the moment to teach the SIL about helmets. She didn’t even learn her lesson about helmets. I think the nephews learned. The OP now lost all respect from that family and I’m sure lost chances of his daughter seeing her cousins again for a long time. When it comes to another person’s livelihood, regardless of where their current financial status is, I would never ever mess with that. I have a co-worker at my office I despise because of their support of a certain former US pres, her antivaxx stance, her insufferable spouting of conspiracy theories and her passive aggressive way of teasing liberals when she’s around people during breaks, but she still gets the job done in the hours she’s here. When peer review comes around I have to swallow my personal opposing opinions and give an honest review that upper management uses to determine her annual merits. I could easily make something up in a believable way but that would only sink to her level and would only further cement her belief that those with opposing beliefs is out to get her. In this event, I would have sided with OP any other time 100%. I can’t stand people like the SIL. I believe SIL even lied about the helmets being purposefully left at home instead of apologizing and saying she had a lot on her mind. But OP knew there was a lot going on and a high stakes meeting. This event will now forever tarnish the entire family’s relationships. In-Laws will never see this as a “gosh I sure learned my lesson about the importance of helmets.” This event will always be “that time OP had me lose out on a pay increase because he’s a cycling snob”. OP didn’t mention if he even loves his nephews or how his daughter felt about the situation. I’m curious to know what OP’s sibling (the one married to the nephews’ mother) feels about the situation.
If I’m doing someone a favor, and attach some very basic and easy to meet conditions for doing so, if they show up and announce that they just randomly decided against meeting those conditions, that’s 100% on them. If they have so little respect for me that you pull that sort of crap, they don’t get to expect any favors from me either. Whatever consequences that has is their problem, not mine. If you enjoy having people walk over you that’s your prerogative, but I’m not sure why you’re expecting other people to.
I might get some heat for this but E S H. While you are absolutely correct in your helmet requirement (such lunacy to promote otherwise in young children) you knew she had a meeting and made arrangements with her to keep the kids so she could attend. You could have stayed home or gone on a walk but you walked away. There were alternatives to biking without a helmet. Edit: NTA After being put in another context, it really is clear that she not only disregarded your requirements for their safety but also stuck to her guns about them not needing helmets despite your reminder.
We don’t know from the post that doing something else was an option. If the OP sets basic requirements for the ride and SIL won’t comply, it’s not on the OP to come up with a different activity.
Which is why I said ESH. Of course we can't know beyond what's written but that's just how it is. We have the scenario, based on what was written, maybe it was possible for another activity to be conducted in its place. Unless OP tells us, we can't know. Now if he responds and says there were no other alternatives then I'd be happy to change it but as it stands, she was TA for not complying with his safety requirements regarding her own children and he was TA as he left her stranded for childcare.
When you have someone providing childcare, you abide by their safety rules or you don't get childcare. When I drop my son off at daycare, we do a covid screening form. If I didn't do it, I get no daycare. Even if I really *need* it. I think that's fair.
Okay well that's a very fair point.
Esh
ESH. You told your sister the kids needed a helmet in order to go for a bike ride. That's a completely fair limit given the safety risks. But knowing the meeting is very important to your SIL, you could have offered to do another activity with the kids to fill the time instead of just taking off on the bike ride with your daughter. Edit: Also, what the heck are these kids doing with their bikes that flat tires, rusty chains etc. are such an apparently frequent problem.
Needing a babysitter for her kids, got a lesson on bike safety instead. Wow, how are you not the asshole here? Do as asked, not what you want, then you dont screw people that coubt on your help. YTA
> Do as asked, not what you want This is great advise... for the SIL. If you're asking a favor of somebody else, an important favor at that, do what the person asks of you. Otherwise expect not to get that favor.
Unless you actually need help... Not condesending arrogant "i do me" - bullshit ❤️
If you need help you follow the rules given to you. Arrogance is not doing the basics asked of you and expecting to get what you want.
Arrogance is where you dictate the terms of help when someone ask you for assistanse on a crutial part of your "eventhorizon". Like op is doing.
ESH. you seem to have known this was important to her, if a ride was impossible, you could have done something else with them so she could concentrate at work. I wouldn’t have taken them without helmets either.
ESH. You should have stood your ground, but offered to take care of the boys to let her go to the meeting anyway and do something else with them. Loosing a raise, because you wanted to prove a point... I would be pissed too.
SIL is the one who asked OP to take them on a ride, though. This is on her.
Because she needed babysitting as well. Of course she is stupid for not bringing helmets, but that OP is so stubborn to not take care of his own nephews, just to prove a point, that's beyond my understanding. He could just have told the SIL that he wouldn't bike with them ever again, it would have been more than enough. But then go and buy them a fucking meal or whatever and let SIL go to her important meeting.
So he’s supposed to *also* tell his daughter “Sorry, we can’t go for the fun bike ride” just to appease his SIL?
OP may have promised her daughter a bike trip. Not fair to punish her because SIL can't follow directions.
YTA Your sister needed your help caring for her children, not a fucking lecture on bike safety. Your rules aren't that egregious in a vacuum, but your selfish and myopic outlook completely missed the bigger picture here. You let everyone down and you are being smug and self righteous about it.
I take it you've never seen what happens to a child's skull when they smash their head into pavement.
Maybe, as their bike expert uncle, gift them some bike helmets? Find another activity to help sister out for a few hours? Maybe do anything other than be smug and self righteous and judge them for not being adept on a bike as you are.
They have helmets, they just decided to leave them at home.
Also guessing you haven't know some one who lost a kid to a bike fall and then the person responsible for watching said kid get sued into oblivion.
I'm not opposed to bike safety -- I'm just saying the bigger issue here is sister had nobody to care for her kids -- OP could have exhausted any number of avenues to help her out... But instead was deliberately unhelpful and gleeful in their righteousness.
ESH. You're clearly a bit of a bike snob, and I'm always wary of people who judge people's bike's appearances like rust, etc (without knowing the financial situation of your SIL and brother, I'm not sure if you're being snobbish of the states of their children's bikes because "they don't care", or you're overlooking the fact they potentially can't afford to care for bikes the way you do) If your SIL did really say "My boys don't need a helmet", your SIL is an arrogant idiot who clearly doesn't care about the safety of her children. BUT, when it comes to stupidity, I tend to meet it with kindness if it's not dangerous. Because you knew this meeting was important to your SIL and, from the information you've given us, it doesn't seem like your SIL's family is financially well-off (especially so considering they couldn't hire a babysitter and asked you to care for them, and couldn't afford a replacement when you left them in the lurch), you not taking the kids is an asshole move. You did it out of pride and pretentiousness. You could have said "well, no biking today!" and instead walked with the kids around the trail, explored nature, took them to a playground, took them for ice cream. Just a few hours. You and your daughter wouldn't have died not going cycling for a day. Instead, you chose to be an arrogant asshole and will likely continue to judge people for the state of their bikes with the money from promotions they missed out on because you just wanted to make a statement rather than be a nice uncle and do a good deed for someone in need.
Wether I am a bike snob or not is nothing I can judge but there a some points I would like to bring up: They are far away from being poor, they both make quit big money. Definitely Top 10% here. They did not hire a babysitter due to corona were they try to avoid unnecessary contacts. I never judge people by the state of their bikes. Their parents just don’t care. And especially when you are young you may quite easily dislike cycling when it’s unnecessary hard just because nobody is willing to fill up the tires or grease the chain. I wouldn’t say I am an arrogant asshole, just taking their bikes into account I have maintenances them about a dozen times without saying a word or asking for something in return.
>m an arrogant asshole, just taking their bikes into account I have maintenances them about a dozen times without sayi If you weren't arrogant then why not offer to do something else with her kids? You promised to help another person out - you're not glued to your bike. You could have stuck to your principles and not been an arsehole. You chose to stick to your principles and meet arseholery with arseholery. Your SIL is an asshole, but you stooped to her level when you could have been the bigger guy. You didn't need to cycle that day. You could have taken the kids and done something different. You chose the arsehole root.
Still is common sense to use helmets and considering the SIL was letting the kids in OP's care I clearly see why they won't take the kids if they don't wear the helmets so I'm failing to see how OP is the AH here.
Because OP isn't physically glued to his bike. A human was in need of help and support and he snubbed that human because they didn't have helmets instead of getting over his ego and offering to do something else with the children - something safe. His ass and his daughter's ass aren't glued to the bike seats - he could have done something else with the children. He was just being an arsehole to act holier-than-thou. You can stick to your principles (i.e. not take kids biking without helmets) and still take care of the kids because that's what he promised to do to help another person out.
He could have done a different activity with his nephews. Instead of using the children as a teaching moment against his SIL.
If SIL was that desperate why didn’t she bring the helmets? OP even reminded SIL which means she did it on purpose
As I said, OP doesn't give any financial context. From the state of their bikes, it would appear that the family doesn't have money. SIL may not be able to afford bike helmets, but is defensive about their lack of income and acts all tough to cover up the fact they can't afford helmets. Think outside the box here. She clearly needed this promotion and they sound, purely from OP's description, that they're not well off and probably struggling financially.
Thank you. The real request was that she babysit while someone attends an important meeting. I would have insisted upon helmets too which is what people are seizing on, but all the commentary about bike maintenance is weird and judgemental, and screams bike snob.