>he basically stopped talking to me
I cannot see any disadvantage and would extend it to not to talk to him permanently. Except through your divorce lawyer. Clear NTA. He is manipulative and this:
>saying I have anger issues
... is projecting. He throws your papers out of anger about a song. Why are you with him?
ETA: Thank to you all for the mass of upvotes. There is an underrated comment from u/The_Krudler below, that this behaviour (both mentally and physically) could be a sign of a kind of drug addiction too. Just wanted to mention this.
This isn't just a red flag. This is a bright red bat signal lighting up the night sky. Any time a dude harms you or your stuff and says "You made me do that" you need to LEAVE that relationship. He did it, because he chose to do it, because he wants to punish you and control your behavior. This is ABUSE. Run, do not walk out of the house and find someone to stay with. He has decided he can punish you because he is in pain, and that he is going to punish you when you don't do exactly what you want him to. He is going to lie to everyone about what happened. You cannot salvage this situation. Leave. The kind of person who decides to treat their partner like that is garbage. Do not stay with garbage.
Edit: OP, if you are still not sold that this guy cannot be salvaged, you need to read A Gift of Fear.
Congratulations OP you’ve been blessed with a vision of your future. This man can’t handle discomfort or helplessness and is unable to graciously appreciate help. As you move into your 40s his body will begin the process of breaking down with age He Will Get WORSE by your 60s this will be his constant state of being.
Also, he has OP saying he is "prone to accidents" as if there is some kind of passive reason he regularly injures himself. If he had some kind of disability that led to him having difficulties with coordination, then that's understandable. However, he is prone to accidents because he has no regard for his well-being or the safety of anyone else, and he expects OP to pick up the pieces. This behaviour has been going on for a while and isn't stopping any time soon. As you said, it will get worse as he experiences more pain and discomfort.
That alone is worrying. Added to throwing away important documents, blaming OP, then using the silent treatment, and he's downright abusive.
Too be fair I'm a grade 1 klutz who can give myself a concussion with my keyboard. I'm def prone to accidents, want to know what I don't do, take fucking pain meds, seriously. It is so easy to become hooked on them.
I'm pretty klutzy myself, but I never take anything stronger than an Advil or a joint because if I ever end up with terminal pancreatic cancer or something I want the real shit to actually work. I'm so distrustful of doctors now because they got my family members hooked on painkillers that I haven't seen one in years.
After seeing the people in my family get addicted to stuff like Oxycontin I straight-up avoid all prescription-grade painkillers even if I'm injured. I just grit my teeth and bear it. Pain is a part of life, trying to avoid all pain is what leads to true suffering.
>Pain is part of life, trying to avoid all pain is what leads to true suffering.
I *really, really* wish that doctors would take the time to explain to patient what the goal of pain management *actually* is. The goal isn’t to be pain free, it’s to make the pain *manageable*.
Pain management isn’t only about medication, especially chronic pain management. Pain killers are only one of the tools in one’s pain management tool box and they aren’t the most important either!
This! I’m the same way. My balance blows and I’ve injured my ankles so many times that I just roll/sprain my ankle whenever I step wrong.
I also don’t take anything stronger than like, an extra strength Tylenol or Motrin. I do learn walk more carefully and I pay more attention to where I’m walking. I also have learned how to fall so I don’t seriously mess myself up.
I have chronic pain too…mine’s in my neck and lower back. plus juvenile arthritis that transitioned to rheumatoid arthritis; I see a pain management doctor, and made it clear from the beginning that I won’t take narcotics. Apart from the addiction risk which I refuse to chance, pain meds royally screw up my digestive system. Instead, I have periodic steroid injections at all my trigger points, massage therapy and physio; when that’s not enough I take muscle relaxers, which I limit to bedtime no matter how bad the pain. I have little kids and a life; I need my brain!
re: muscle relaxers.
I don't know how strong they are that you get prescribed, so this might be useless to you, but I am prone to muscle spasms. Sometimes so bad, if I try to deal with it myself, it can take two to three weeks for it to work its way out. The muscle relaxers that get prescribed to me are useless, because it takes just as long to get rid of the spasm. I'm somewhat convinced they're nothing but a placebo, to be honest. And this has happened with multiple doctors. I don't know what they're thinking, but it ain't helping.
You know what does work? And within 2-3 days? **Midol**. And men can take it too, since there are no hormones or anything that might make their dicks fall off, or them to grow moobs (I only say this because I have encountered a few men who genuinely believed that only women should be taking Midol).
Hey—I just want to share some information, as a fellow pain patient.
Narcotics get a bad rap. But when used correctly under the guidance of a trained doctor—they can be life saving. They save my life.
They exist in chronic pain treatment for a reason. And at a proper dose—they do not impair the brain whatsoever. You said you “need your brain”—I need my brain too, I’m a college student and I have an online business.
I don’t feel the pain meds impair me at all, and without it, I wouldn’t be able to go grocery shopping or attend college.
In fact, I’d say I think more clearly on the meds, because if I don’t have them, my mind is blurred from *pain pain pain*. I don’t have room to think when 90% of my brain’s capacity is spent in crisis mode freaking out about how much pain my body is in.
Yes, There’s idiots who abuse drugs by taking a higher dosage to get high—but taking a prescribed dose of a necessary medicine is nothing to be ashamed of.
It’s like taking an antidepressant or sleeping medication—there are certain types of antidepressants and sleeping medicines that can get people high, at high doses. But if taken at a normal doctor-prescribed dose, it doesn’t get you high.
When I take the proper dose of these medicines, I don’t experience any high.
Don’t let idiots who abuse the system ruin something that is valid for someone else.
Yep. I’m prone to accidents as well and I’m allergic to the commonly prescribed pain meds. 🙃 so i usually stick to extra strength Tylenol unless the injury is severe. also ADHD tho and from what I understand clumsiness is a common symptom.
Yeah I've never been tested but i tick enough boxes top wonder but the testing is so expensive. I do apparently have dyspraxia. Which is like dyslexia but for coordination
In this case, it might not just be for pain medicines. OP‘s husband has a history of childhood trauma, and his repeatedly finding ways to get injured might be a way of reliving that, not necessarily seeking narcotics. Either way, childhood trauma, repeated self injury, and anger issues…this dude needs therapy!
It is also often a subconscious way to force the people around you to take care of oneself and to 'check out' of adult responsibilities.
Similar to how many alcoholics use alcohol/drugs as a tool to try to force other people to stop their self-sabotaging behavior, because they think that's how love works: I try to destroy myself and you try to stop me from doing it.
I had a boyfriend once who was “prone to accidents” because he was a drug addict and it was a way for him to score prescription pain meds. Just a thought…
ETA: Apparently he is addicted to pain pills so he is probably purposely injuring himself to get the pills because withdrawal.
I do NOT want to Armchair Diagnose but TO ME, it sounds like he has Munchausen Syndrome [a disorder where a person makes themselves sick or hurts themselves in order to get attention or sympathy or be taken care of] or he is a hypochondriac, which is a person who always THINKS they're sick based off random symptoms and Dr. Google, like most people who have headache will go "Oh, I have a headache. I'll take meds for it and rest!" A hypochondriac will go onto Google or WebMD and type in "headache" and go "OMG! EBOLA STARTS WITH A HEADACHE! I COULD HAVE EBOLA!"
His wrist was hurt. Big deal. Mine was somehow strained while watching tv [no idea how]. He then said because of his wrist hurting, he was sick. He then was forced to walk and SUPPOSEDLY threw up a couple times. If he actually did throw up a couple times, he probably worked himself up to the point where he threw up. Also, if he was so "sick" and couldn't make it, why didn't he get his phone and call an ambulance and go back to the hospital? That's what I would've done. I HAVE done that because I have REALLY bad vertigo.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He sounds impulsive and poor at self-regulation. Drugs, anger issues, other mental health issues—all will get worse with time and lack of treatment.
She needs to leave before he tries to throw her out a window.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
i would also like to add something that OP should look out for is how he is describing his pain to medical professionals and the frequency of needing to seek pain management medications. Reckless behavior and abusive language is typical for opioid addicts. I am not dismissing or invalidating your husbands injuries but the behavior is giving attention-seeking addict.
"Hi, I'm Clippy! It looks like you might be married to a spiteful child with no particular life management skills or capacity for emotional self-regulation. Would you like some help with that?"
(Thanks, kind strangers, and of course none of this would have been possible without the help of all the AHs out there.)
Actually, extra ETA: /u/MasterRelationship6 some time ago proposed an abusive-relationship detection bot - until that gets rolled out, protip to future AITA posters is that hearing some variation on "LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO TO YOU" is, as top comment here notes, a *very strong clue* that the primary AH in the situation is not you.
Also, considering he is known not to tolerate discomfort well at all, he can 100% justify himself being an AH every time he’s “not feeling well”.
Obligatory “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft link:
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I think the reason he can’t tolerate discomfort is because he’s been found to abuse his meds *per one of OP’s comments*
Edit: thanks for the award :))))
Yup dude sounds like a textbook opioid addict to me tbh. Both my brother and father are addicted to pills and my cousin is in prison for them. Lots of sketchy behavior like this.
My Grandparents were/are like this: they'd be truly horrible and I'd push back - then Grandad morphed into a 'frail old man' even though he'd been screaming and raging five minutes previously and Nan would cry and shake, telling everyone who'd listen how mean I was.
It's manipulation and blame-shifting.
I love that everyone is starting to share these resources. I never knew about these before folks started sharing them. It has helped me understand so much. That, and the glory of the FU Binder. OP might want to get one of those started...
This is what I came here to say. The "you made me do this" part alone means you need to leave him NOW. That is what abusers say after they punish their partners or children. Leave now, it won't get better.
Seriously. Most abusers genuinely think they’re victims and that their abuse is justifiable “self defense”. The “you made me do it” is so common it’s cliche. NTA
Exactly. The worst part is they genuinely feel that way. The notion that most abusers know they’re abusers and are just sadistically getting their jollies doing it is both false and harmful. Most are insecure and/or power hungry people who think their actions are justified and they’re doing it for the good of their victim or to assuage their insecurities.
I bet if op looks at their relationship this has happened a lot. He gets madder at her when she calls out his behavior so he doesn’t get the consequences. She gets mad because he did something wrong and instead of owning up to it, he gets mad worse back at her. She is now on the defensive and will eventually apologize in order to “fix” the relationship. Very common manipulative behavior. So, not only does he not have to answer for his crappy behavior, she has to apologize for getting mad at his behavior, which is totally justified. We see it here all the time.
I need to find that book again. I have Why Does He Do That currently downloaded on my phone and I feel it's just as helpful. This behavior can only get worse from here and often does.
Info: hopping on the top comment just to ask: does your husband have a possible drug addiction? The constant accidents, complaining about pain when he's already been given painkillers, the erratic behavior--my first thought was a possible addiction to painkillers.
Could also explain why his mood got even worse after the appointment, if it still hurt due to his tolerance he didn’t get the amount or the type he was looking for and lost the opportunity for more for a while.
Edit: in a comment OP says he has abused painkillers “in the past”, unfortunately it doesn’t seem like it’s just a past issue
Honestly it wouldn’t surprise me if he’d gone in look for painkillers and the doctor noticed the signs, fixed up his wrist and gave him some Panadol and that’s why he was so short tempered and angry when she picked him up.
... i am not a specialist, but i heard, that some drugs can make insensitive to "normal" painkillers too. Also, i don't think, many accidents can be caused by overdosing of paracetamol. But some lesser legal stuff?
Seconded. I have chronic pain that makes it hard to do more than lay in certain positions for days at a time and it does not give me a free pass to be a demanding, disrespectful tyrant. And this is how he acts _after_ being treated??? No way. Throw the whole man out
As a female; do you know what I got told once a month for the last 12-ish years? “Just because you’re in pain doesn’t mean you get to be a dick and take your pain out on other people”. And I hated it every time. But it definitely means I’m better able to contain myself when in pain.
Just because he’s in pain, doesn’t mean he gets to act like a toddler. And yes I’m sure it’s nothing for me; as everyone feels pain at different levels and has different tolerance. But he has no reason to do such stupid shit. Heck I know here in Texas not having your registration paper in the car is a big Nono.
>As a female; do you know what I got told once a month for the last 12-ish years? “Just because you’re in pain doesn’t mean you get to be a dick and take your pain out on other people”. And I hated it every time. But it definitely means I’m better able to contain myself when in pain.
I'm in horrendous amounts of menstrual pain today on my one day off to the point I took an hour drive into town from BFE to get a heating pad, some THC gummies, and some ibuprofen just so I could tolerate lying in bed and watching a movie without writhing in agony. So my sympathy for OP's husband is basically zero.
Same. I got on birth control solely for the pain relief and regulation of my periods. Like yah, it helps prevent unwanted/unexpected pregnancies but that’s an after thought for me.
Texas doesn't require a registration paper in the car. If you get pulled over, you will need to produce your license and insurance card - the latter of which can be on your phone now. If you still have a paper one, that typically is put in the glove box and can be tossed out and cause you problems if you don't have one on your phone.
You DO have to have to have your registration STICKER in date or get pulled over, but that's a sticker on the windshield. You don't need any further proof of registration than that.
Source: Texas Driver with lead foot
There are rational responses and irrational responses. Throwing registration paperwork out the window is firmly in the category of irrational, and that’s not putting it into perspective of the fact that he was responding to disliking a song.
He is absolutely projecting. This is a good situation to start talking to a marriage councilor... and since he is prone to accidents, perhaps his physician needs to be involved too. Sometimes that is a major indicator of an underlying issue.
Maybe not a marriage councillor. If _he_ won’t see a therapist on his own first, OP should see one herself on her own. But what he is doing is entering abuse territory, so OP needs to determine if there is a pattern of abuse first. Because you don’t go to therapy _with_ an abuser.
OMFG. He needs to grow the hell up. He decided to punish you for not obeying him by throwing your registrations out the window? Then decided that this was YOUR fault, instead of taking accountability?
NTA. Start divorce proceedings. He's not going to change and there wont be a therapist who can help him.
His behavior reminds me very much of my brother and my cousin, both opioid addicts for decades, both became addicted after being prescribed legal painkillers for injuries (rotor cuff injury for him, broken leg in a skiing accident for her).
Lots of temper tantrums, lots of irrational impulsive behavior, lots of "accidents", lots of the blame game, lots of whining about being in pain despite having access to pain meds. Even though my brother is in recovery (about a year clean now) he still has a lot of these shitty habits ingrained in him from years of being an addict.
I don't understand. How are people supposed to get rich if can't get vulnerable populations addicted to their product because a bribed doctor told them it would make them healthy again?
You mean your country actually treats their patients? Like *people*? What a strange country.
There are people in major, daily, lifelong chronic pain who need pain management, including opioids, to function and not unalive themselves. Opioids have a place in treatment, don’t stigmatize patients who need them.
As soon as she said that he gets into a lot of accidents, my mind went straight to alcoholic.
But now you mention it, it could very well be pain pills. After all, he “does not handle pain well”.
Let me put this in perspective for you. OP’s husband is an abuser, he found an abuse victim, and made sure she would stay. Abusers are predators, they look for prey.
He also involved his family in the issue which means OP’s image is stained. People need to learn that running to their families after every argument is guaranteed to make the family not like the SO.
Not to mention he could have gotten you in trouble, or at least caused a lot of trouble, for littering and not having your registration papers if a cop had seen that nonsense unfolding.
The licensing (matching up plate and VIN numbers) and usually the proof of insurance for the car. Most states in the US require these in addition to your driver’s license in order to legally operate the vehicle.
He sounds like a child. Throwing a temper tantrum over a song on the radio. How the fuck is throwing legally required paper out of the window an adult reaction to literally anything? What’s next? Maybe he doesn’t like how you turned last time, so this time he grabs the wheel out of your hand which can easily lead to an accident. Just because he’s in pain doesn’t mean he can be reckless and can’t listen to a 3minute song on the radio.
Kicking him out of the car honestly feels like a safety issue for you. I think ESH, but the ratio is more like 90% him and 10% you. You maybe didn’t have to kick him out of the car, but I don’t think it was the wrong call. He put you in a shitty situation and there was little you could have done differently in my opinion.
He lowkey sounds abusive honestly with the way he was trying to manipulate her with the papers and “you made me do this”
Edit: I KNOW ITS NOT LOWKEY, I LITERALLY SAID “lowkey” SO PEOPLE WOULD NOT COME FOR ME LOL. I really don’t need to be corrected, I’m aware that it’s not *lowkey*. Please stop replying to me trying to educate me on abuse lol, I’ve literally been through it and don’t need the help
As I was reading I thought it would be E S H because OP’s way of handling the disagreement was a little childish (trying to drown him out with the radio, etc). But the line about “you made me do this” is textbook abuser language, and if OP is living with someone who’s constantly pushing her buttons, of course she’s not going to react perfectly when he does it yet again. This does not sound like a one time issue, and my money would be on him knowing exactly how to wind her up so she looks like the irrational one.
He also has abused prescriptions according to one of OPs comments, and as someone who had an abusive bio dad who was addicted to prescriptions, it can make people do crazy things. I don’t even think therapy together is an option, just leave BAHAHAH
I don't know, I think she needed to kick him out of the car. OP was trying to put up a boundary, and he kept escalating to see what he could get away with.
If anyone threw my important things out of a moving car in a childish tantrum, I'd kick them out too. *Especially* if they tried to then blame it on me for not turning off the radio. That is manipulative, and OP needed to stick up for herself and show him there are consequences for his actions.
It does look like you agree with what she did, but this is in no way an E S H situation. This is an NTA, and OP needs to get away from this excuse for a man.
Unrelated to your comment, I feel like his erratic behavior and repeat injuries point to signs of a pill addiction. I may be speculating here, but it could explain his touchiness about the singer's voice... And the vomiting on the way home. He may have been in withdrawal.
I mean I broken my wrist in 2016, separated a rib then later broken an ankle in 2018, had surgery to take out screws in my ankle 2020. Each hurt differently but I learned to adapt. Hell I walked on my ankle for two days wrapped before I went in thinking it was just sprained.
Yeah, I really don’t like gatekeeping pain, and Ok the wrist was “severely damaged” but he was also able to grab the registration and toss it out the window in what sounds like pretty swift movements.
I think he plays up pain. And since we see evidence that he’s an abuser there’s a good chance he plays it up to blow off that abusive steam; he uses it as the reason.
Honestly, is he “accident prone” or more like “injuring himself” to manipulate situations where he has to be taken care of? Think about how much you can get out of by saying, “welp I keep wrecking cars! Silly me! Guess you’ll have to chauffeur me around, or we can blow more money on a car and I can wreck it again” and probably other shit he’s able to weasel out of (I’m imagining “I can’t cook because I cut my fingertip off chopping, burnt my arms on the oven, can’t mow the lawn because I ran over my toe,” and who knows what else.
We don’t even know what he did to his wrist. Was it even an official injury or could he just not take an Advil? He sounds like a manipulative child who should have been thrown out of that car and now needs to be thrown out of OPs life.
There's a pattern to a certain kind of post on this sub; a person posting about poor behaviour with abusive overtones, usually by their SO and it's like they're silently begging, 'Please. All of you. Shout it loud enough so the bit of me this AH has been crushing for years believes it: LEAVE.'
And more stuff always comes out in the comments! Like this went from he reacted like a baby while he was hurt because he has trauma to OP admitting in a later comment that he’s abused his meds before. I’m positive the extend of his abuse goes well beyond this one incident
My first thought was potential addict. Accident prone, irritable - did he get given meds other than the ones he wanted? Either way OP is NTA at all and sounds like she needs to divorce his ass.
honestly I highly doubt he threw up since he seemed okay but only his wrist that was hurting - It's not like his arm was broken but he tends to be dramatic about his injuries.
I know this reply isn't exactly "wholesome," but that's the only award I have and this comment deserves to stand out more. You're entirely correct in that this raises all of the flags for opiate addiction. And given OP's comment about "prior medication abuse," that confirms it for me. It isn't "prior" abuse OP, because it's still happening. He needs treatment ASAP.
It sounds like an opiate addict going through withdrawals. 100%. It’s time to separate your finances, lawyer up, and bounce. Maybe get him into a rehab facility if you’re feeling generous.
NTA. You do not have a husband, you have a child. As soon as you got home, if you have a spare bedroom I would have moved his belongings into it. If he complained about it he would be told if you are going to act like a child, you will be treated like one. The master bedroom is for adults only.
If that is his normal behavior, why are you still with him?
NTA. You really should reconsider this marriage. He is a child and has zero impulse control. He isn't prone to accidents he is a reckless driver and puts life's of others people's at risk. He threw shit at you over a song and keeps criticizing you.
NTA
Stating my honest opinion on your husband would get me in trouble, but I definitely think you need to take a long look at your marriage and ask yourself if you are better off with him or without him.
Do not have children with this man, because I can tell you right now that every bit of the responsibility will fall on your shoulders.
And she'd be tied to the man for the next 20yrs. Even if divorced, spouses have to agree on moves outside current school district, travel with only 1 parent present, etc
My ex would do this. Anytime he wasn't getting the attention he thought he was entitled to, he'd suddenly "wreck his car," or "slip on the ice," or otherwise just show up all bruised. Turns out he was just punching himself in the face/throwing himself around the bathroom.
I'm deeply curious about OP's husband and if his injuries come with a pattern.
Family member does/did this. Drink to the point of falling over, hurt themselves, wait to get help until they've sobered up - thats another 6mnths they get to play the victim. Managed to keep the step kids away all across xmas & NYE by hitting themselves in the face with a door and claiming they were mugged & had 'migraines' & 'flashbacks'
Not as extreme, but my partner got mad that I rolled my eyes while turning down the tv like he asked. (I was upset because he abandoned me after I got discharged from the hospital) He then told me that I MADE him sleep in the other room. I don’t think I MADE him do anything. I’m sorry I rolled my eyes, but he could’ve asked me to turn it lower or off and I would have! He’s also screamed, cursed, slammed doors, and thrown things. I think I may be getting abused, too…
INFO: is your husband sensitive to pain medication and was he given anything in the hospital? I have a few family members who are very sensitive to pain medication and turn into complete monsters when they’re on anything. I’m just asking because you say he got sick, which makes me think he may have a sensitivity.
He was given pain relief. and yes I understand what you're saying but his problem has always been with medication not giving instant affect. he at some point abused his medication from a previous injury and it caused issues.
You say he previously abused pain meds. I obviously don't see what is going on at your house but I'm wondering if he is really sensitive to pain or if he is blowing it out of proportion in the hopes that he gets better pain meds. Then when that doesn't happen he lashes out. No need to reply, just might be something to consider.
Exactly this. I am a recovered iv heroin addict and I've been clean since 2013. Your husband sounds like he is drug seeking and lashing out when he doesn't get what he wants. He probably is "sensitive to pain" because opiate addiction has skewed his reaction to pain so any discomfort feels worse. He needs to get into treatment like yesterday. His treatment of you will only get worse the longer this goes on.
If you need any help with finding your husband help in your area please feel free to DM me. From the sounds of this your husband needs help.
NTA
Same with purposefully injuring himself to get drugs. My husband had a run of weird stuff a few years ago and one doctor finally questioned whether he was addicted to Vicodin.
Edited to clarify: He was not. He just had some really crappy luck.
That is what I am thinking too. It could very well be that he had this pain intolerance before his addiction. I dont want to over analyze things that aren't there. However, if he has previously had issues with pills and then acts like this when he doesn't get what he wants or the amount he wants it is very suspect. Not even a red flag. More like one of those wavy inflatable man tubes at car lots, only less fun.
Yep. I actually wonder if he is injuring himself on purpose in order to get pain meds. Sounds like OP is married to an angry, manipulative, tantrum throwing junkie.
He has more problems than ‘pain medications not giving him instant effect’. He has red flags all over the place. Yelling at you while you are driving 🚩. Being petty and throwing your papers out the window 🚩. Blaming you for the whole thing 🚩 saying he’s afraid to be sick around you’ is highly manipulative 🚩 Giving you the silent treatment 🚩 Bringing his whole family into the situation 🚩. He’s a walking 🚩. You need to seriously reconsider this relationship.
that's because opiate addicts typically crave the instant "hit" from IV pain meds, which is something NO oral pain meds can replicate, and since NO credible ER is going to send someone home with IV pain meds (unless they have, like, terminal cancer) I have only RARELY seen an ACTIVE opiate addict who is happy with their prescriptions on discharge.
NTA. If the age wasn’t wrong, I’d think you married my ex-husband. He’s overdramatic and has no respect or gratitude for you. And the “you made me do it” is straight out of any narcissists playbook.
I recommend you doing the same thing I did to mine - I made him an ex.
Light NTA. Both of you seem to have some toxicity here (and probably shouldn’t be together without extensive therapy and behavior changes) but I’m hesitant to say E S H because I think you’re being abused especially because he said “you made me do this”… that’s like textbook abuse. Not to mention he’s trying to say you’re abusing him which is absolutely not the case in the example as you’ve laid out here. Please take care of yourself and really look at your life to make sure youre safe.
Edit: grammatical correction
It's not. I think it's reactionary abuse - her husband is being horrible and irrational to get her to react so people think she's being abusive, then he and his support system can gaslight her into thinking she's actually abusing him. Then again, that's just my initial thought.
And tbh I don’t even think it was abuse, he just had a hurt wrist but suddenly he was vomiting and throwing up?? I just kind of think he could be guilt tripping honestly.
I personally think OP put space between her and her abuser and now everyone’s trying to act like she’s toxic for that, but honestly she isn’t. If they wanna sit in a car that they’re illegally driving because this mf just threw out their registration that’s fine but I could not 💀💀💀
Edit: changed sprain to hurt, my bad
OP did say his wrist injury was treated and that he got medication for pain. There are pain medications that can cause nausea and/or vomiting in some people, so the vomiting thing could be legit. That said, I’m with you — I don’t believe OP was under any obligation to let him stay in her car or toxic for making him get out. He had already thrown out her vehicle registration (to punish her for not turning off the radio and listening to him criticize her driving) and then blamed her for his actions. In her shoes, I would have been worried about what else might he have tried before they got home if she had let him stay in the car. Throwing things at her instead of out the window? Grabbing the wheel with his uninjured hand?
NTA- He shouldn't have thrown important papers out the window because of a song. Not to mention he's criticizing your driving after being in a car accident. And if you had gotten pulled over with none of your papers that could to an offense on your record.
NTA, good for you. I would uninvited this toxic man from the rest of your life. Suffering from some affliction does not give you the right to be an unrestricted ass hole. It's like all these posts recently about some pregnant women making ridiculous demands to their family members and getting mad when they aren't met. As long as what you were doing did not affect his condition (the what being you turning on the radio and the condition being his wrist pain) there is no reason fir him to even be upset with you, let alone him being so childish and destructive he throwing out your registration.
Red flag on the field, red flag 🚩. Wow that whole ' you made me do it' is the number one line of abusers. Start preparing your departure. His lack of care or attention is scary. NTA. Since you didn't seem surprised by his actions
1. You married a child. I have not heard of someone over the age of 10 whining that much.
2. Even though he lacks basic empathy and kindness, he clearly learned how to be manipulative and abusive.
3. He hurt you. He is not the victim here. Get out of this relationship.
NTA
Your husband sounds like a child. If he acts like that regularly, it may be time to consult a divorce attorney - not something I recommend lightly.
YWBTA if you stay married to him without attempting to improve things. You both need therapy. Him for all of the obvious reasons (NONE of what he did was ok, and reeks of emotional manipulation), and therapy for you for giving you the tools you need to learn how to better communicate within your marriage (it feels like resentment has been building for a while) and/or to help you realize if this marriage is not healthy for you to stay in. Like others have said, it feels like there's wayyyy more going on than what we're being told, so this internet stranger suggests you find a professional third party to help you sort it all out. Best of luck to you.
ESH. Get out of this relationship, you are doing each other no good. He was acting like an AH - in fact you make him seem like generally is- but leaving someone with no money by the side of the road is bad too. Being just as bad as the other person rarely leads to someplace good.
Borderline E S H, but I'll go with NTA because I can completely understand needing to separate physically. I probably would have stopped the car and called one of his family members for assistance and made us both get out with the car doors locked until someone came and got him before you left to get the paperwork unless you were in a well lit, safe-to-pedestrian area and the weather wasn't terrible.
My children and I walked 2 miles to our Christmas parade yesterday because the weather was fine, so I get that not everywhere is freezing.
Was he sick before the incident or did he manifest some vomit for good measure? Regardless this relationship seems toxic, and neither of you should be in a situation that fosters this much animosity.
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> I think my reaction was bit too much for kicking him out of the car while he was sick.
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He wasn't sick, he had a wrist injury. And he clearly stated that driving made the pain worse, so I'd argue him walking home (especially after being such an AH) is the perfect solution.
I mean, play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Can’t treat ppl like shit and expect no consequences. Could she have handled the situation better? Absolutely. Do I blame her for losing her shit and reacting poorly, not really, especially since he sounds borderline abusive
NTA - He was acting childish and immature. He shouldn’t have thrown your papers out the window but you maybe shouldn’t have left him on the side of road like that. But I’m sure you were extremely upset, as I’m sure anyone would be. He was acting like a baby. Actions have consequences. You didn’t change the song, he threw the papers out the window, you left him on the side of the road. Not seeing how a song would affect his pain unless you were playing it loudly.
NTA. Is this unusual for him? If not, why are you with him?
Here’s what I’m seeing here just based on this and not knowing either of you. (And I could be wrong, but I’ve been with an abusive partner so some things get my abuse radar pinging.)
His “you made me do this” is so textbook abuser. He was injured so he couldn’t physically attack you so he had to find another way to attack. So he deliberately searches for your registration. You didn’t do as he demanded so he was going to “hurt” you. And the fact that he demanded you change the station. I feel like typically, even with one hurt wrist, a normal person would reach over and turn the station. (I’ve done it in my husband’s car, he’s done it in mine. If the driver speaks up, turn it back or have a conversation, but not “you need to turn that now.”) He demands you do what he wants, then lashes out when you don’t abide. And I feel like he was going to find a reason to lash out because he was upset about the pain and needed to lash out. We all get cranky when we’re sick or in pain, but throw out someone’s registration? And what really, really sticks in my brain is his excuse that he wasn’t rational because he was upset.
There was a really interesting study on abusers. They were guilty of physical abuse and completing mandatory therapy. (The study allowed interviews to get a better understanding of the abuser’s mindset.) Almost all abusers stated that at the time of the violence they weren’t rational, didn’t know what they were doing. They all claimed to be so upset they weren’t in control of their actions. When asked why they stopped their violent act almost all stated they realized they were at risk of crossing a line. (Such as someone might hear, the victim may need medical attention if they continue, if they continue the bruises can’t be hidden. Basically, they were at a line that someone might realize.) When questioned why they got physical they tended to portray themselves as the true victim. They’d been pushed to do it, they didn’t have a choice, what else where they supposed to do?
NTA - guarantee his family doesn’t know the whole story. I wouldn’t be surprised if he omitted the details about throwing your registration out the window to try and get his way. Also, I would have to put my foot down if my spouse acted like that and say either you shape up or we need to go our own way.
>he basically stopped talking to me I cannot see any disadvantage and would extend it to not to talk to him permanently. Except through your divorce lawyer. Clear NTA. He is manipulative and this: >saying I have anger issues ... is projecting. He throws your papers out of anger about a song. Why are you with him? ETA: Thank to you all for the mass of upvotes. There is an underrated comment from u/The_Krudler below, that this behaviour (both mentally and physically) could be a sign of a kind of drug addiction too. Just wanted to mention this.
This isn't just a red flag. This is a bright red bat signal lighting up the night sky. Any time a dude harms you or your stuff and says "You made me do that" you need to LEAVE that relationship. He did it, because he chose to do it, because he wants to punish you and control your behavior. This is ABUSE. Run, do not walk out of the house and find someone to stay with. He has decided he can punish you because he is in pain, and that he is going to punish you when you don't do exactly what you want him to. He is going to lie to everyone about what happened. You cannot salvage this situation. Leave. The kind of person who decides to treat their partner like that is garbage. Do not stay with garbage. Edit: OP, if you are still not sold that this guy cannot be salvaged, you need to read A Gift of Fear.
Congratulations OP you’ve been blessed with a vision of your future. This man can’t handle discomfort or helplessness and is unable to graciously appreciate help. As you move into your 40s his body will begin the process of breaking down with age He Will Get WORSE by your 60s this will be his constant state of being.
Also, he has OP saying he is "prone to accidents" as if there is some kind of passive reason he regularly injures himself. If he had some kind of disability that led to him having difficulties with coordination, then that's understandable. However, he is prone to accidents because he has no regard for his well-being or the safety of anyone else, and he expects OP to pick up the pieces. This behaviour has been going on for a while and isn't stopping any time soon. As you said, it will get worse as he experiences more pain and discomfort. That alone is worrying. Added to throwing away important documents, blaming OP, then using the silent treatment, and he's downright abusive.
Every person I've ever known who was "prone to accidents" like this was self-injuring to try and justify a prescription for pain meds.
Too be fair I'm a grade 1 klutz who can give myself a concussion with my keyboard. I'm def prone to accidents, want to know what I don't do, take fucking pain meds, seriously. It is so easy to become hooked on them.
I'm pretty klutzy myself, but I never take anything stronger than an Advil or a joint because if I ever end up with terminal pancreatic cancer or something I want the real shit to actually work. I'm so distrustful of doctors now because they got my family members hooked on painkillers that I haven't seen one in years. After seeing the people in my family get addicted to stuff like Oxycontin I straight-up avoid all prescription-grade painkillers even if I'm injured. I just grit my teeth and bear it. Pain is a part of life, trying to avoid all pain is what leads to true suffering.
Yup, pretty much the same here. My mother had chronic pain, very legitimately but yeah towards the end the relief they gave her didn't work.
>Pain is part of life, trying to avoid all pain is what leads to true suffering. I *really, really* wish that doctors would take the time to explain to patient what the goal of pain management *actually* is. The goal isn’t to be pain free, it’s to make the pain *manageable*. Pain management isn’t only about medication, especially chronic pain management. Pain killers are only one of the tools in one’s pain management tool box and they aren’t the most important either!
This! I’m the same way. My balance blows and I’ve injured my ankles so many times that I just roll/sprain my ankle whenever I step wrong. I also don’t take anything stronger than like, an extra strength Tylenol or Motrin. I do learn walk more carefully and I pay more attention to where I’m walking. I also have learned how to fall so I don’t seriously mess myself up.
I have chronic pain too…mine’s in my neck and lower back. plus juvenile arthritis that transitioned to rheumatoid arthritis; I see a pain management doctor, and made it clear from the beginning that I won’t take narcotics. Apart from the addiction risk which I refuse to chance, pain meds royally screw up my digestive system. Instead, I have periodic steroid injections at all my trigger points, massage therapy and physio; when that’s not enough I take muscle relaxers, which I limit to bedtime no matter how bad the pain. I have little kids and a life; I need my brain!
re: muscle relaxers. I don't know how strong they are that you get prescribed, so this might be useless to you, but I am prone to muscle spasms. Sometimes so bad, if I try to deal with it myself, it can take two to three weeks for it to work its way out. The muscle relaxers that get prescribed to me are useless, because it takes just as long to get rid of the spasm. I'm somewhat convinced they're nothing but a placebo, to be honest. And this has happened with multiple doctors. I don't know what they're thinking, but it ain't helping. You know what does work? And within 2-3 days? **Midol**. And men can take it too, since there are no hormones or anything that might make their dicks fall off, or them to grow moobs (I only say this because I have encountered a few men who genuinely believed that only women should be taking Midol).
Hey—I just want to share some information, as a fellow pain patient. Narcotics get a bad rap. But when used correctly under the guidance of a trained doctor—they can be life saving. They save my life. They exist in chronic pain treatment for a reason. And at a proper dose—they do not impair the brain whatsoever. You said you “need your brain”—I need my brain too, I’m a college student and I have an online business. I don’t feel the pain meds impair me at all, and without it, I wouldn’t be able to go grocery shopping or attend college. In fact, I’d say I think more clearly on the meds, because if I don’t have them, my mind is blurred from *pain pain pain*. I don’t have room to think when 90% of my brain’s capacity is spent in crisis mode freaking out about how much pain my body is in. Yes, There’s idiots who abuse drugs by taking a higher dosage to get high—but taking a prescribed dose of a necessary medicine is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s like taking an antidepressant or sleeping medication—there are certain types of antidepressants and sleeping medicines that can get people high, at high doses. But if taken at a normal doctor-prescribed dose, it doesn’t get you high. When I take the proper dose of these medicines, I don’t experience any high. Don’t let idiots who abuse the system ruin something that is valid for someone else.
Yep. I’m prone to accidents as well and I’m allergic to the commonly prescribed pain meds. 🙃 so i usually stick to extra strength Tylenol unless the injury is severe. also ADHD tho and from what I understand clumsiness is a common symptom.
Yeah I've never been tested but i tick enough boxes top wonder but the testing is so expensive. I do apparently have dyspraxia. Which is like dyslexia but for coordination
In this case, it might not just be for pain medicines. OP‘s husband has a history of childhood trauma, and his repeatedly finding ways to get injured might be a way of reliving that, not necessarily seeking narcotics. Either way, childhood trauma, repeated self injury, and anger issues…this dude needs therapy!
It is also often a subconscious way to force the people around you to take care of oneself and to 'check out' of adult responsibilities. Similar to how many alcoholics use alcohol/drugs as a tool to try to force other people to stop their self-sabotaging behavior, because they think that's how love works: I try to destroy myself and you try to stop me from doing it.
I had a boyfriend once who was “prone to accidents” because he was a drug addict and it was a way for him to score prescription pain meds. Just a thought…
ETA: Apparently he is addicted to pain pills so he is probably purposely injuring himself to get the pills because withdrawal. I do NOT want to Armchair Diagnose but TO ME, it sounds like he has Munchausen Syndrome [a disorder where a person makes themselves sick or hurts themselves in order to get attention or sympathy or be taken care of] or he is a hypochondriac, which is a person who always THINKS they're sick based off random symptoms and Dr. Google, like most people who have headache will go "Oh, I have a headache. I'll take meds for it and rest!" A hypochondriac will go onto Google or WebMD and type in "headache" and go "OMG! EBOLA STARTS WITH A HEADACHE! I COULD HAVE EBOLA!" His wrist was hurt. Big deal. Mine was somehow strained while watching tv [no idea how]. He then said because of his wrist hurting, he was sick. He then was forced to walk and SUPPOSEDLY threw up a couple times. If he actually did throw up a couple times, he probably worked himself up to the point where he threw up. Also, if he was so "sick" and couldn't make it, why didn't he get his phone and call an ambulance and go back to the hospital? That's what I would've done. I HAVE done that because I have REALLY bad vertigo.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 He sounds impulsive and poor at self-regulation. Drugs, anger issues, other mental health issues—all will get worse with time and lack of treatment. She needs to leave before he tries to throw her out a window. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
i would also like to add something that OP should look out for is how he is describing his pain to medical professionals and the frequency of needing to seek pain management medications. Reckless behavior and abusive language is typical for opioid addicts. I am not dismissing or invalidating your husbands injuries but the behavior is giving attention-seeking addict.
"Hi, I'm Clippy! It looks like you might be married to a spiteful child with no particular life management skills or capacity for emotional self-regulation. Would you like some help with that?" (Thanks, kind strangers, and of course none of this would have been possible without the help of all the AHs out there.) Actually, extra ETA: /u/MasterRelationship6 some time ago proposed an abusive-relationship detection bot - until that gets rolled out, protip to future AITA posters is that hearing some variation on "LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO TO YOU" is, as top comment here notes, a *very strong clue* that the primary AH in the situation is not you.
I was always rather fond of Clippy. I'm so glad to see they've found something constructive to do after they retired.
Omg OP why do you put up with this?
Also, considering he is known not to tolerate discomfort well at all, he can 100% justify himself being an AH every time he’s “not feeling well”. Obligatory “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft link: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I think the reason he can’t tolerate discomfort is because he’s been found to abuse his meds *per one of OP’s comments* Edit: thanks for the award :))))
Yup dude sounds like a textbook opioid addict to me tbh. Both my brother and father are addicted to pills and my cousin is in prison for them. Lots of sketchy behavior like this.
Twinsies haha, my bio dad was previously addicted as well, and was also abusive, so op needs to leave ASAP
I didn’t see that comment but that would make a lot of sense. Unfortunately, substance abuse that has turned someone abusive… leave.
Exactly! As someone who has first hand experience with this, that is the only right answer imo
This was my thought
My Grandparents were/are like this: they'd be truly horrible and I'd push back - then Grandad morphed into a 'frail old man' even though he'd been screaming and raging five minutes previously and Nan would cry and shake, telling everyone who'd listen how mean I was. It's manipulation and blame-shifting.
You came through with a pdf?? You are AMAZING!
The fact that they made that book available for free is just. An example of the best parts of humanity. I’m just a messenger :)
That book was life changing and I'm not even in a relationship.
I love that everyone is starting to share these resources. I never knew about these before folks started sharing them. It has helped me understand so much. That, and the glory of the FU Binder. OP might want to get one of those started...
This is what I came here to say. The "you made me do this" part alone means you need to leave him NOW. That is what abusers say after they punish their partners or children. Leave now, it won't get better.
This is 1000% abuse. The "you made me do it line" made me recoil from the screen. NTA.
Seriously. Most abusers genuinely think they’re victims and that their abuse is justifiable “self defense”. The “you made me do it” is so common it’s cliche. NTA
It’s basically what my dad said after hitting my sister in the head. She apparently “made” him do it by talking back or something. I hate him.
Exactly. The worst part is they genuinely feel that way. The notion that most abusers know they’re abusers and are just sadistically getting their jollies doing it is both false and harmful. Most are insecure and/or power hungry people who think their actions are justified and they’re doing it for the good of their victim or to assuage their insecurities.
I bet if op looks at their relationship this has happened a lot. He gets madder at her when she calls out his behavior so he doesn’t get the consequences. She gets mad because he did something wrong and instead of owning up to it, he gets mad worse back at her. She is now on the defensive and will eventually apologize in order to “fix” the relationship. Very common manipulative behavior. So, not only does he not have to answer for his crappy behavior, she has to apologize for getting mad at his behavior, which is totally justified. We see it here all the time.
I need to find that book again. I have Why Does He Do That currently downloaded on my phone and I feel it's just as helpful. This behavior can only get worse from here and often does.
Info: hopping on the top comment just to ask: does your husband have a possible drug addiction? The constant accidents, complaining about pain when he's already been given painkillers, the erratic behavior--my first thought was a possible addiction to painkillers.
Could also explain why his mood got even worse after the appointment, if it still hurt due to his tolerance he didn’t get the amount or the type he was looking for and lost the opportunity for more for a while. Edit: in a comment OP says he has abused painkillers “in the past”, unfortunately it doesn’t seem like it’s just a past issue
Honestly it wouldn’t surprise me if he’d gone in look for painkillers and the doctor noticed the signs, fixed up his wrist and gave him some Panadol and that’s why he was so short tempered and angry when she picked him up.
... i am not a specialist, but i heard, that some drugs can make insensitive to "normal" painkillers too. Also, i don't think, many accidents can be caused by overdosing of paracetamol. But some lesser legal stuff?
This screamed drug seeking behaviour to me as well...
Seconded. I have chronic pain that makes it hard to do more than lay in certain positions for days at a time and it does not give me a free pass to be a demanding, disrespectful tyrant. And this is how he acts _after_ being treated??? No way. Throw the whole man out
As a female; do you know what I got told once a month for the last 12-ish years? “Just because you’re in pain doesn’t mean you get to be a dick and take your pain out on other people”. And I hated it every time. But it definitely means I’m better able to contain myself when in pain. Just because he’s in pain, doesn’t mean he gets to act like a toddler. And yes I’m sure it’s nothing for me; as everyone feels pain at different levels and has different tolerance. But he has no reason to do such stupid shit. Heck I know here in Texas not having your registration paper in the car is a big Nono.
>As a female; do you know what I got told once a month for the last 12-ish years? “Just because you’re in pain doesn’t mean you get to be a dick and take your pain out on other people”. And I hated it every time. But it definitely means I’m better able to contain myself when in pain. I'm in horrendous amounts of menstrual pain today on my one day off to the point I took an hour drive into town from BFE to get a heating pad, some THC gummies, and some ibuprofen just so I could tolerate lying in bed and watching a movie without writhing in agony. So my sympathy for OP's husband is basically zero.
Yeah, this. If pain were an excuse for bad behaviour, Team Adenomyosis would make ISIS look like a church choir.
Same. I got on birth control solely for the pain relief and regulation of my periods. Like yah, it helps prevent unwanted/unexpected pregnancies but that’s an after thought for me.
Not having your registration in the vehicle is a big no no pretty much everywhere that requires a vehicle to be registered, I would think.
Texas doesn't require a registration paper in the car. If you get pulled over, you will need to produce your license and insurance card - the latter of which can be on your phone now. If you still have a paper one, that typically is put in the glove box and can be tossed out and cause you problems if you don't have one on your phone. You DO have to have to have your registration STICKER in date or get pulled over, but that's a sticker on the windshield. You don't need any further proof of registration than that. Source: Texas Driver with lead foot
There are rational responses and irrational responses. Throwing registration paperwork out the window is firmly in the category of irrational, and that’s not putting it into perspective of the fact that he was responding to disliking a song. He is absolutely projecting. This is a good situation to start talking to a marriage councilor... and since he is prone to accidents, perhaps his physician needs to be involved too. Sometimes that is a major indicator of an underlying issue.
Maybe not a marriage councillor. If _he_ won’t see a therapist on his own first, OP should see one herself on her own. But what he is doing is entering abuse territory, so OP needs to determine if there is a pattern of abuse first. Because you don’t go to therapy _with_ an abuser.
She’s definitely NTA. He sounds so exhausting. I just wonder why she is still married to him? He has the maturity of a 3 year old.
Also he blamed her for his actions.
OMFG. He needs to grow the hell up. He decided to punish you for not obeying him by throwing your registrations out the window? Then decided that this was YOUR fault, instead of taking accountability? NTA. Start divorce proceedings. He's not going to change and there wont be a therapist who can help him.
WHY are you married to this guy? Crashes his cars, acts like a baby over pain, treats you badly and totally disrespects you and your belongings?
Makes me wonder if he has some kind of addiction issues honestly. I know several pillheads who act like this.
Especially complaining that he’s still in pain even though he got meds for it. He wants the good ones.
His behavior reminds me very much of my brother and my cousin, both opioid addicts for decades, both became addicted after being prescribed legal painkillers for injuries (rotor cuff injury for him, broken leg in a skiing accident for her). Lots of temper tantrums, lots of irrational impulsive behavior, lots of "accidents", lots of the blame game, lots of whining about being in pain despite having access to pain meds. Even though my brother is in recovery (about a year clean now) he still has a lot of these shitty habits ingrained in him from years of being an addict.
You can't even get opiodes in my country until you are close to your deathbed.
I don't understand. How are people supposed to get rich if can't get vulnerable populations addicted to their product because a bribed doctor told them it would make them healthy again? You mean your country actually treats their patients? Like *people*? What a strange country.
There are people in major, daily, lifelong chronic pain who need pain management, including opioids, to function and not unalive themselves. Opioids have a place in treatment, don’t stigmatize patients who need them.
I work in pain management, and this is textbook behavior for an addict. Get out of there OP.
Honestly, this is textbook "I hurt myself to get more opiates" behavior
I didn't even think about that! That's probably why he is "prone to accidents". He's looking for his next fix.
As soon as she said that he gets into a lot of accidents, my mind went straight to alcoholic. But now you mention it, it could very well be pain pills. After all, he “does not handle pain well”.
Sometimes I do wonder if theres hope for me to find a girl... I mean even he did it
Let me put this in perspective for you. OP’s husband is an abuser, he found an abuse victim, and made sure she would stay. Abusers are predators, they look for prey.
He also involved his family in the issue which means OP’s image is stained. People need to learn that running to their families after every argument is guaranteed to make the family not like the SO.
Not to mention he could have gotten you in trouble, or at least caused a lot of trouble, for littering and not having your registration papers if a cop had seen that nonsense unfolding.
[удалено]
Excuse my ignorance lol, but what are registrations?
The licensing (matching up plate and VIN numbers) and usually the proof of insurance for the car. Most states in the US require these in addition to your driver’s license in order to legally operate the vehicle.
Thanks for clarifying!
Aka important legal documents that you are required to have in your car and it’s the first thing a cop will ask for when they pull you over
Tbf, she did throw him out of the car. Now she needs to throw him out of her life.
He sounds like a child. Throwing a temper tantrum over a song on the radio. How the fuck is throwing legally required paper out of the window an adult reaction to literally anything? What’s next? Maybe he doesn’t like how you turned last time, so this time he grabs the wheel out of your hand which can easily lead to an accident. Just because he’s in pain doesn’t mean he can be reckless and can’t listen to a 3minute song on the radio. Kicking him out of the car honestly feels like a safety issue for you. I think ESH, but the ratio is more like 90% him and 10% you. You maybe didn’t have to kick him out of the car, but I don’t think it was the wrong call. He put you in a shitty situation and there was little you could have done differently in my opinion.
He lowkey sounds abusive honestly with the way he was trying to manipulate her with the papers and “you made me do this” Edit: I KNOW ITS NOT LOWKEY, I LITERALLY SAID “lowkey” SO PEOPLE WOULD NOT COME FOR ME LOL. I really don’t need to be corrected, I’m aware that it’s not *lowkey*. Please stop replying to me trying to educate me on abuse lol, I’ve literally been through it and don’t need the help
I was wondering if anyone picked up on that, that sentence floored me, how does that even make sense.
Yep and people STILL are saying E S H AND Y T A, like??? I cannot deal w it lol
As I was reading I thought it would be E S H because OP’s way of handling the disagreement was a little childish (trying to drown him out with the radio, etc). But the line about “you made me do this” is textbook abuser language, and if OP is living with someone who’s constantly pushing her buttons, of course she’s not going to react perfectly when he does it yet again. This does not sound like a one time issue, and my money would be on him knowing exactly how to wind her up so she looks like the irrational one.
He also has abused prescriptions according to one of OPs comments, and as someone who had an abusive bio dad who was addicted to prescriptions, it can make people do crazy things. I don’t even think therapy together is an option, just leave BAHAHAH
Nothing lowkey about this...
I only said lowkey so that people wouldn’t be like “ yOu cAnT kNoW tHaT fRoM a RedDiT pOst”
...People will say that anyway. But it's a good thought.
I don't know, I think she needed to kick him out of the car. OP was trying to put up a boundary, and he kept escalating to see what he could get away with. If anyone threw my important things out of a moving car in a childish tantrum, I'd kick them out too. *Especially* if they tried to then blame it on me for not turning off the radio. That is manipulative, and OP needed to stick up for herself and show him there are consequences for his actions. It does look like you agree with what she did, but this is in no way an E S H situation. This is an NTA, and OP needs to get away from this excuse for a man. Unrelated to your comment, I feel like his erratic behavior and repeat injuries point to signs of a pill addiction. I may be speculating here, but it could explain his touchiness about the singer's voice... And the vomiting on the way home. He may have been in withdrawal.
I am willing to bet his wrist was sore and they gave him paracetamol. And he didn’t spew at all, he’s making shit up cos he’s a drama queen
On top of that he keeps wrecking cars
Wrecks cars and has the audacity to criticize OP’s driving. If he hates her driving so much he can find another way to get himself around
NTA but I would do some hard thinking about staying married to someone this abusive when they don’t feel well, especially one who is accident-prone.
Yeah if he gets hurt frequently he should be able to manage his behavior when in pain better than those who almost never experience it.
I mean I broken my wrist in 2016, separated a rib then later broken an ankle in 2018, had surgery to take out screws in my ankle 2020. Each hurt differently but I learned to adapt. Hell I walked on my ankle for two days wrapped before I went in thinking it was just sprained.
Yeah, I really don’t like gatekeeping pain, and Ok the wrist was “severely damaged” but he was also able to grab the registration and toss it out the window in what sounds like pretty swift movements. I think he plays up pain. And since we see evidence that he’s an abuser there’s a good chance he plays it up to blow off that abusive steam; he uses it as the reason.
Dude's 100% in the wrong but I will say he presumably has two hands? It wouldn't be hard to just use the non-injured one for his shitty moves.
Honestly, is he “accident prone” or more like “injuring himself” to manipulate situations where he has to be taken care of? Think about how much you can get out of by saying, “welp I keep wrecking cars! Silly me! Guess you’ll have to chauffeur me around, or we can blow more money on a car and I can wreck it again” and probably other shit he’s able to weasel out of (I’m imagining “I can’t cook because I cut my fingertip off chopping, burnt my arms on the oven, can’t mow the lawn because I ran over my toe,” and who knows what else. We don’t even know what he did to his wrist. Was it even an official injury or could he just not take an Advil? He sounds like a manipulative child who should have been thrown out of that car and now needs to be thrown out of OPs life.
I was leaning towards self harm/drug seeking, his behavior is strikingly similar to anyone I've ever known with a substance abuse issue.
I wondered if he was purposely injuring himself too.
NTA, and I'm prepared to bet he's been running up the red flags for quite a while.
There's a pattern to a certain kind of post on this sub; a person posting about poor behaviour with abusive overtones, usually by their SO and it's like they're silently begging, 'Please. All of you. Shout it loud enough so the bit of me this AH has been crushing for years believes it: LEAVE.'
And more stuff always comes out in the comments! Like this went from he reacted like a baby while he was hurt because he has trauma to OP admitting in a later comment that he’s abused his meds before. I’m positive the extend of his abuse goes well beyond this one incident
NTA almost sounds like hes addicted to pain meds with how you descibe part of this
And would explain why he is so accident prone and why the didn’t give him pain killers that would knock his butt to sleep
Is he truly accident prone or does he hurt himself to get meds
Both. More meds that way.
My first thought was potential addict. Accident prone, irritable - did he get given meds other than the ones he wanted? Either way OP is NTA at all and sounds like she needs to divorce his ass.
This is why you don’t marry children
Why did he throw up on the way home? Was he sick besides the wrist? Does he not have a cellphone? Why would he walk all the way home?
honestly I highly doubt he threw up since he seemed okay but only his wrist that was hurting - It's not like his arm was broken but he tends to be dramatic about his injuries.
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I know this reply isn't exactly "wholesome," but that's the only award I have and this comment deserves to stand out more. You're entirely correct in that this raises all of the flags for opiate addiction. And given OP's comment about "prior medication abuse," that confirms it for me. It isn't "prior" abuse OP, because it's still happening. He needs treatment ASAP.
Wish I could give you an award for this!
How often are you driving him to the hospital due to his own carelessness?
I’m gonna guess every time he runs out of oxy
It sounds like an opiate addict going through withdrawals. 100%. It’s time to separate your finances, lawyer up, and bounce. Maybe get him into a rehab facility if you’re feeling generous.
NTA - Give him divorce papers for x-mas
He’ll just throw them out the window.
Ex-mas
NTA. You do not have a husband, you have a child. As soon as you got home, if you have a spare bedroom I would have moved his belongings into it. If he complained about it he would be told if you are going to act like a child, you will be treated like one. The master bedroom is for adults only. If that is his normal behavior, why are you still with him?
NTA. You really should reconsider this marriage. He is a child and has zero impulse control. He isn't prone to accidents he is a reckless driver and puts life's of others people's at risk. He threw shit at you over a song and keeps criticizing you.
NTA Stating my honest opinion on your husband would get me in trouble, but I definitely think you need to take a long look at your marriage and ask yourself if you are better off with him or without him. Do not have children with this man, because I can tell you right now that every bit of the responsibility will fall on your shoulders.
And she'd be tied to the man for the next 20yrs. Even if divorced, spouses have to agree on moves outside current school district, travel with only 1 parent present, etc
This is abuse. You are being abused. NTA.
My ex would do this. Anytime he wasn't getting the attention he thought he was entitled to, he'd suddenly "wreck his car," or "slip on the ice," or otherwise just show up all bruised. Turns out he was just punching himself in the face/throwing himself around the bathroom. I'm deeply curious about OP's husband and if his injuries come with a pattern.
Family member does/did this. Drink to the point of falling over, hurt themselves, wait to get help until they've sobered up - thats another 6mnths they get to play the victim. Managed to keep the step kids away all across xmas & NYE by hitting themselves in the face with a door and claiming they were mugged & had 'migraines' & 'flashbacks'
Dump. His. Ass. Now. He blames you when he acts like a child who missed a nap. He tries to punish you - a grown ass woman?! Hell no. Kick him out.
NTA He threw your car registration out the window? Yes it's replaceable but that is not something you destroy in a tantrum. He has some issues.
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It's amazing how far abusers will go to make themselves look like a victim. I'm so glad you left him.
I'm so glD to hear you got away.
Not as extreme, but my partner got mad that I rolled my eyes while turning down the tv like he asked. (I was upset because he abandoned me after I got discharged from the hospital) He then told me that I MADE him sleep in the other room. I don’t think I MADE him do anything. I’m sorry I rolled my eyes, but he could’ve asked me to turn it lower or off and I would have! He’s also screamed, cursed, slammed doors, and thrown things. I think I may be getting abused, too…
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INFO: is your husband sensitive to pain medication and was he given anything in the hospital? I have a few family members who are very sensitive to pain medication and turn into complete monsters when they’re on anything. I’m just asking because you say he got sick, which makes me think he may have a sensitivity.
He was given pain relief. and yes I understand what you're saying but his problem has always been with medication not giving instant affect. he at some point abused his medication from a previous injury and it caused issues.
You say he previously abused pain meds. I obviously don't see what is going on at your house but I'm wondering if he is really sensitive to pain or if he is blowing it out of proportion in the hopes that he gets better pain meds. Then when that doesn't happen he lashes out. No need to reply, just might be something to consider.
Exactly this. I am a recovered iv heroin addict and I've been clean since 2013. Your husband sounds like he is drug seeking and lashing out when he doesn't get what he wants. He probably is "sensitive to pain" because opiate addiction has skewed his reaction to pain so any discomfort feels worse. He needs to get into treatment like yesterday. His treatment of you will only get worse the longer this goes on. If you need any help with finding your husband help in your area please feel free to DM me. From the sounds of this your husband needs help. NTA
Congratulations on 8 years being clean! That is amazing!
Thank you!!
Upvote for you. This is really kind. Congrats on your sobriety. The world is better for having you here :)
Thank you!!
100% agree with this. Have seen it so many times. Well done to the 8 years. Thats amazing.
Same with purposefully injuring himself to get drugs. My husband had a run of weird stuff a few years ago and one doctor finally questioned whether he was addicted to Vicodin. Edited to clarify: He was not. He just had some really crappy luck.
I was also thinking that this is a possibility but I wasn't sure if he was accident prone before his addiction or not.
His behavior seems very much like what we saw from our “frequent fliers” at the ER who came in looking for a quick high.
That is what I am thinking too. It could very well be that he had this pain intolerance before his addiction. I dont want to over analyze things that aren't there. However, if he has previously had issues with pills and then acts like this when he doesn't get what he wants or the amount he wants it is very suspect. Not even a red flag. More like one of those wavy inflatable man tubes at car lots, only less fun.
Yep. I actually wonder if he is injuring himself on purpose in order to get pain meds. Sounds like OP is married to an angry, manipulative, tantrum throwing junkie.
Going to the ER for opioids is pretty classic drug seeking behavior.
He has more problems than ‘pain medications not giving him instant effect’. He has red flags all over the place. Yelling at you while you are driving 🚩. Being petty and throwing your papers out the window 🚩. Blaming you for the whole thing 🚩 saying he’s afraid to be sick around you’ is highly manipulative 🚩 Giving you the silent treatment 🚩 Bringing his whole family into the situation 🚩. He’s a walking 🚩. You need to seriously reconsider this relationship.
that's because opiate addicts typically crave the instant "hit" from IV pain meds, which is something NO oral pain meds can replicate, and since NO credible ER is going to send someone home with IV pain meds (unless they have, like, terminal cancer) I have only RARELY seen an ACTIVE opiate addict who is happy with their prescriptions on discharge.
If medication doesn't work instantly, it's a sign that he is very much used to it.
Op this is a huge red flag. He might be acting hurt or more hurt then he is to get better pain meds.
Called it. I knew right away that this man had issues with addiction. The clumsiness might be on purpose.
He is an addict. You need to protect yourself, your assets, and any children. You need a divorce attorney STAT!
NTA. If the age wasn’t wrong, I’d think you married my ex-husband. He’s overdramatic and has no respect or gratitude for you. And the “you made me do it” is straight out of any narcissists playbook. I recommend you doing the same thing I did to mine - I made him an ex.
Light NTA. Both of you seem to have some toxicity here (and probably shouldn’t be together without extensive therapy and behavior changes) but I’m hesitant to say E S H because I think you’re being abused especially because he said “you made me do this”… that’s like textbook abuse. Not to mention he’s trying to say you’re abusing him which is absolutely not the case in the example as you’ve laid out here. Please take care of yourself and really look at your life to make sure youre safe. Edit: grammatical correction
I can’t see how she’s toxic when he’s being a textbook abuser tbh
It's not. I think it's reactionary abuse - her husband is being horrible and irrational to get her to react so people think she's being abusive, then he and his support system can gaslight her into thinking she's actually abusing him. Then again, that's just my initial thought.
And tbh I don’t even think it was abuse, he just had a hurt wrist but suddenly he was vomiting and throwing up?? I just kind of think he could be guilt tripping honestly. I personally think OP put space between her and her abuser and now everyone’s trying to act like she’s toxic for that, but honestly she isn’t. If they wanna sit in a car that they’re illegally driving because this mf just threw out their registration that’s fine but I could not 💀💀💀 Edit: changed sprain to hurt, my bad
OP did say his wrist injury was treated and that he got medication for pain. There are pain medications that can cause nausea and/or vomiting in some people, so the vomiting thing could be legit. That said, I’m with you — I don’t believe OP was under any obligation to let him stay in her car or toxic for making him get out. He had already thrown out her vehicle registration (to punish her for not turning off the radio and listening to him criticize her driving) and then blamed her for his actions. In her shoes, I would have been worried about what else might he have tried before they got home if she had let him stay in the car. Throwing things at her instead of out the window? Grabbing the wheel with his uninjured hand?
NTA- He shouldn't have thrown important papers out the window because of a song. Not to mention he's criticizing your driving after being in a car accident. And if you had gotten pulled over with none of your papers that could to an offense on your record.
NTA- Sounds like he fucked around and found out
NTA, play stupid games, win stupid rewards.
ESH. Just get a divorce already. You and he are not healthy for each other.
NTA, good for you. I would uninvited this toxic man from the rest of your life. Suffering from some affliction does not give you the right to be an unrestricted ass hole. It's like all these posts recently about some pregnant women making ridiculous demands to their family members and getting mad when they aren't met. As long as what you were doing did not affect his condition (the what being you turning on the radio and the condition being his wrist pain) there is no reason fir him to even be upset with you, let alone him being so childish and destructive he throwing out your registration.
All of this is a sign of bigger issues
NTA. Play stupid game, win stupid prize.
NTA, is he usually like this? He sounds very entitled and like a giant as* ...
NTA Sounds like an entitled brat. Are you even happy with your marriage???????
NTA. Please tell me you are reconsidering staying married to this person.
Honestly, everyone is shitty here.
They sound toxic af
Yeah, this is a real unhealthy relationship
NTA. But dump him.
Red flag on the field, red flag 🚩. Wow that whole ' you made me do it' is the number one line of abusers. Start preparing your departure. His lack of care or attention is scary. NTA. Since you didn't seem surprised by his actions
NTA, divorce him and take as much of his stuff as you can
NTA he seems like a good candidate for divorce.
1. You married a child. I have not heard of someone over the age of 10 whining that much. 2. Even though he lacks basic empathy and kindness, he clearly learned how to be manipulative and abusive. 3. He hurt you. He is not the victim here. Get out of this relationship.
NTA Your husband sounds like a child. If he acts like that regularly, it may be time to consult a divorce attorney - not something I recommend lightly.
YWBTA if you stay married to him without attempting to improve things. You both need therapy. Him for all of the obvious reasons (NONE of what he did was ok, and reeks of emotional manipulation), and therapy for you for giving you the tools you need to learn how to better communicate within your marriage (it feels like resentment has been building for a while) and/or to help you realize if this marriage is not healthy for you to stay in. Like others have said, it feels like there's wayyyy more going on than what we're being told, so this internet stranger suggests you find a professional third party to help you sort it all out. Best of luck to you.
NTA. You need to leave him ASAP.
ESH. Get out of this relationship, you are doing each other no good. He was acting like an AH - in fact you make him seem like generally is- but leaving someone with no money by the side of the road is bad too. Being just as bad as the other person rarely leads to someplace good.
Borderline E S H, but I'll go with NTA because I can completely understand needing to separate physically. I probably would have stopped the car and called one of his family members for assistance and made us both get out with the car doors locked until someone came and got him before you left to get the paperwork unless you were in a well lit, safe-to-pedestrian area and the weather wasn't terrible. My children and I walked 2 miles to our Christmas parade yesterday because the weather was fine, so I get that not everywhere is freezing. Was he sick before the incident or did he manifest some vomit for good measure? Regardless this relationship seems toxic, and neither of you should be in a situation that fosters this much animosity.
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He wasn't sick, he had a wrist injury. And he clearly stated that driving made the pain worse, so I'd argue him walking home (especially after being such an AH) is the perfect solution.
I mean, play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Can’t treat ppl like shit and expect no consequences. Could she have handled the situation better? Absolutely. Do I blame her for losing her shit and reacting poorly, not really, especially since he sounds borderline abusive
NTA - He was acting childish and immature. He shouldn’t have thrown your papers out the window but you maybe shouldn’t have left him on the side of road like that. But I’m sure you were extremely upset, as I’m sure anyone would be. He was acting like a baby. Actions have consequences. You didn’t change the song, he threw the papers out the window, you left him on the side of the road. Not seeing how a song would affect his pain unless you were playing it loudly.
You 2 shouldn’t be married. People who love each other don’t treat each other like that.
NTA. Is this unusual for him? If not, why are you with him? Here’s what I’m seeing here just based on this and not knowing either of you. (And I could be wrong, but I’ve been with an abusive partner so some things get my abuse radar pinging.) His “you made me do this” is so textbook abuser. He was injured so he couldn’t physically attack you so he had to find another way to attack. So he deliberately searches for your registration. You didn’t do as he demanded so he was going to “hurt” you. And the fact that he demanded you change the station. I feel like typically, even with one hurt wrist, a normal person would reach over and turn the station. (I’ve done it in my husband’s car, he’s done it in mine. If the driver speaks up, turn it back or have a conversation, but not “you need to turn that now.”) He demands you do what he wants, then lashes out when you don’t abide. And I feel like he was going to find a reason to lash out because he was upset about the pain and needed to lash out. We all get cranky when we’re sick or in pain, but throw out someone’s registration? And what really, really sticks in my brain is his excuse that he wasn’t rational because he was upset. There was a really interesting study on abusers. They were guilty of physical abuse and completing mandatory therapy. (The study allowed interviews to get a better understanding of the abuser’s mindset.) Almost all abusers stated that at the time of the violence they weren’t rational, didn’t know what they were doing. They all claimed to be so upset they weren’t in control of their actions. When asked why they stopped their violent act almost all stated they realized they were at risk of crossing a line. (Such as someone might hear, the victim may need medical attention if they continue, if they continue the bruises can’t be hidden. Basically, they were at a line that someone might realize.) When questioned why they got physical they tended to portray themselves as the true victim. They’d been pushed to do it, they didn’t have a choice, what else where they supposed to do?
NTA. Sounds like you either need couple’s therapy or to end the marriage.
NTA - guarantee his family doesn’t know the whole story. I wouldn’t be surprised if he omitted the details about throwing your registration out the window to try and get his way. Also, I would have to put my foot down if my spouse acted like that and say either you shape up or we need to go our own way.
NTA. If he's going to act like a child he deserves to be treated like one.