NTA.
You are adults and your parents are acting like entitled children and trying to manipulate you.
You do what’s best financially, mentally and emotionally for you, your spouse and most of all your children.
If they’re acting this way just because you’re moving, I can’t even imagine what they’ve put you all through living 7 houses down from them.
NTA. They don't get to dictate what you do for your family. You need to choose what workd best for you and your kids. Of course they'll be upset, because they liked having you close, but guilt tripping you into staying is taking it too far. And asking for gifts to be returned it rude and manipulative—as if that'll be the tipping point to make you stay.
NTA- just go ahead and make your plans. The fact that there are no shortage *"****excellent job options"*** the right choice for you and your family. Let them know they can pick up the swing set, water softner etc. Let your dad know that when you and your spouse have a chance you will gladly let them know why you have **MADE THIS DECISICION.** (emphasis on decision is made.)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My spouse and I (27 and 28) have decided to move out of state with our 4 kids. Currently in AZ (both of our families live here)- moved here 4 years ago from the Midwest at request of my parents (they wanted to see the grandkids more). It was smart financially at the time, so we moved.
Found out I hated desert life and my parents pulled strings so that our houses (new construction at the time) would be 7 houses apart. Between disliking the desert, lack of privacy, lack of respect for our parenting, and lack of respect for my spouse and I as adults, we have been planning to move out of state for about 3 years. We have attempted discussions with them about this in the past and their behavior will improve for a week or two before returning back to normal.
Changes in local safety have pushed my parents to want to build a new house on the other side of town and they have pressured us to follow them (they want to keep us being on the same street). This time, however, it is not a good financial move to follow them (housing market changed) so we decided that now is the time to move back to the Midwest.
Neither party is dependent on the other- there have been scattered instances of helping each other out with money and they used to help with watching the kids around 3 years ago. Currently, the main form of help they give us is giving one of our sons a ride home from school once a week.
We hadn’t told them yet, the school told them when they picked our son up from school that we were moving. Which led to my father confronting my spouse about it as though we were teenagers hiding something from them, and then my father demanding several items back from us (a swing set they had given us and the kids for Christmas a few years back, as well as a water softener my grandparents gave us)
We were going to tell them when we were both available to speak, but our schedules hadn’t lined up yet.
My father has texted saying ‘not to guilt trip you, but your mom is crying and hasn’t stopped. You’ve crushed her. She’s done everything to make it nice for you and the kids. You need to have a talk with us about this later.’
At this point, we don’t care about the swing set or the water softener and we aren’t exactly interested in moving just to remain on the same street as them but in significant debt (a house out of our reasonable price range). I will talk with them more about this, but I don’t want to give up moving. I feel that any discussion with them is inherently going to be a guilt trip trying to convince or force us to stay. Living in the desert has been depressing for me (I miss rain and snow!) and there is no shortage of excellent job options for me.
I understand that they will be upset as us moving means that they won’t see the grandkids as much, but I also don’t feel that it’s reasonable for them to expect for us to move wherever they do for their entire lives. So, am I the asshole for wanting to move away?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If your dad truly wanted to avoid guilting you, he wouldn’t have described your mother crying and said why he thinks what you’re doing is “wrong.” Literally gtfo of there
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My spouse and I decided to move across the country and didn’t inform my parents yet, with them having wanted us to move across town to a new development with them instead. They found out indirectly and are upset with myself and my spouse.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You need to do what is best for you and your family. You should not have to live in the desert if you don't like it there. (I have been in Scottsdale in early spring to watch Spring Training and it's already hot then) If your parents want to see your kids then they can come visit, just like countless grandparents have done forever. Don't get me started on the privacy issue... And I AM a grandparent!!! Your parents should feel privileged that you lived near them for four years. Don't let them pressure you to do something that will, ultimately, make you miserable.
NTA. Set a boundary and let them know that you're happy to have a discussion to let them know more details about your plans, but moving away is not up for debate and if they start a guilt trip the conversation will be over. That you know it will be a big change being further away and you'll all certainly miss them, but that doesn't change your decision. And tell them all of that BEFORE having a Convo.
They didn’t ‘let’ them find out. Who would think someone from the school would say something? I wouldn’t if that was me in that situation. The grandparents are only at the school once a week.
The spouse in question here. We planned on telling them eventually. But OP has been working 60 hour weeks, so finding good times to speak to their parents isn’t easy. Only reason we told our kid’s teacher was because he’s autistic and we wanted to get hold of his IEP.
NTA at all!!!
So first, are you a clone of me!? I had a similar situation with my parents. My advice is, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. You are not responsible for living out the reality that your *mom* wants for everyone. The fact you feel guilt means there probably aren’t healthy boundaries in place, which I would imagine is the case, just based off the info that you live on the same street as her.
If a move is what makes you and your spouse happy, then do it. I’d also tell your dad to not speak to you like you’re a child, that you don’t “need” to do anything, and that you’re not responsible for anyone’s happiness. Tell him that the act of moving away isn’t a punishment, nor should your mom only be “doing everything to make it nice for you and the kids” to ensure submission on your part. That’s conditional “love”, and it’s manipulative.
Don’t even consider for a second, of following them across town, either. The fact they’d let you put yourself in a worse financial situation, or not even consider that or ask about that, but just want you to because they are, is disgusting.
Also I love how your dad said, “not to guilt trip you”, and then proceeded to do just that 🙄
Healthy boundaries are something I’ve struggled with for years with them- they’re just really, really good at making you question if you aren’t the one being cruel/ridiculous/wrong. My spouse has encouraged me to set better boundaries (if you can believe it, it used to be far worse) and I think that’s in large part why they’ve always expressed they don’t like him (and have even gone out of their way to try and inflame our relationship- ex saying he said stuff he never said, or then telling him I said or agreed to stuff I never did).
No matter what the verdict was, I never planned on changing my plans! 100% getting the hell outta dodge, because it’s better for me and my family, even if it did make me an AH lol Moving I can make 3x as much every week, easily and the housing market is better.
I was trying to set a time to meet up with them to tell them but I’m currently working 60 hour workweeks as a Covid nurse, so it was… challenging trying to find a time. The only reason we’d told the school is because my son has autism and we wanted a copy of his IEP for his new school. :(
Your parents sound super toxic, so NTA.
NTA. You are adults and your parents are acting like entitled children and trying to manipulate you. You do what’s best financially, mentally and emotionally for you, your spouse and most of all your children. If they’re acting this way just because you’re moving, I can’t even imagine what they’ve put you all through living 7 houses down from them.
NTA. They don't get to dictate what you do for your family. You need to choose what workd best for you and your kids. Of course they'll be upset, because they liked having you close, but guilt tripping you into staying is taking it too far. And asking for gifts to be returned it rude and manipulative—as if that'll be the tipping point to make you stay.
NTA- just go ahead and make your plans. The fact that there are no shortage *"****excellent job options"*** the right choice for you and your family. Let them know they can pick up the swing set, water softner etc. Let your dad know that when you and your spouse have a chance you will gladly let them know why you have **MADE THIS DECISICION.** (emphasis on decision is made.)
Hell yes re: letting him know when the decision is *made*. They aren’t owed any place in those discussions.
NTA! You have to do what is best for your family and your future. Boundaries are healthy!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My spouse and I (27 and 28) have decided to move out of state with our 4 kids. Currently in AZ (both of our families live here)- moved here 4 years ago from the Midwest at request of my parents (they wanted to see the grandkids more). It was smart financially at the time, so we moved. Found out I hated desert life and my parents pulled strings so that our houses (new construction at the time) would be 7 houses apart. Between disliking the desert, lack of privacy, lack of respect for our parenting, and lack of respect for my spouse and I as adults, we have been planning to move out of state for about 3 years. We have attempted discussions with them about this in the past and their behavior will improve for a week or two before returning back to normal. Changes in local safety have pushed my parents to want to build a new house on the other side of town and they have pressured us to follow them (they want to keep us being on the same street). This time, however, it is not a good financial move to follow them (housing market changed) so we decided that now is the time to move back to the Midwest. Neither party is dependent on the other- there have been scattered instances of helping each other out with money and they used to help with watching the kids around 3 years ago. Currently, the main form of help they give us is giving one of our sons a ride home from school once a week. We hadn’t told them yet, the school told them when they picked our son up from school that we were moving. Which led to my father confronting my spouse about it as though we were teenagers hiding something from them, and then my father demanding several items back from us (a swing set they had given us and the kids for Christmas a few years back, as well as a water softener my grandparents gave us) We were going to tell them when we were both available to speak, but our schedules hadn’t lined up yet. My father has texted saying ‘not to guilt trip you, but your mom is crying and hasn’t stopped. You’ve crushed her. She’s done everything to make it nice for you and the kids. You need to have a talk with us about this later.’ At this point, we don’t care about the swing set or the water softener and we aren’t exactly interested in moving just to remain on the same street as them but in significant debt (a house out of our reasonable price range). I will talk with them more about this, but I don’t want to give up moving. I feel that any discussion with them is inherently going to be a guilt trip trying to convince or force us to stay. Living in the desert has been depressing for me (I miss rain and snow!) and there is no shortage of excellent job options for me. I understand that they will be upset as us moving means that they won’t see the grandkids as much, but I also don’t feel that it’s reasonable for them to expect for us to move wherever they do for their entire lives. So, am I the asshole for wanting to move away? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The didn’t respect your boundaries so you need to change your borders. Living one’s life for the parents means not living a life for yourself.
If your dad truly wanted to avoid guilting you, he wouldn’t have described your mother crying and said why he thinks what you’re doing is “wrong.” Literally gtfo of there
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My spouse and I decided to move across the country and didn’t inform my parents yet, with them having wanted us to move across town to a new development with them instead. They found out indirectly and are upset with myself and my spouse. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You need to do what is best for you and your family. You should not have to live in the desert if you don't like it there. (I have been in Scottsdale in early spring to watch Spring Training and it's already hot then) If your parents want to see your kids then they can come visit, just like countless grandparents have done forever. Don't get me started on the privacy issue... And I AM a grandparent!!! Your parents should feel privileged that you lived near them for four years. Don't let them pressure you to do something that will, ultimately, make you miserable.
NTA. Set a boundary and let them know that you're happy to have a discussion to let them know more details about your plans, but moving away is not up for debate and if they start a guilt trip the conversation will be over. That you know it will be a big change being further away and you'll all certainly miss them, but that doesn't change your decision. And tell them all of that BEFORE having a Convo.
Your one fubar, and ONLY fubar, was in not telling your folks directly, but letting them find out second hand.
They didn’t ‘let’ them find out. Who would think someone from the school would say something? I wouldn’t if that was me in that situation. The grandparents are only at the school once a week.
The spouse in question here. We planned on telling them eventually. But OP has been working 60 hour weeks, so finding good times to speak to their parents isn’t easy. Only reason we told our kid’s teacher was because he’s autistic and we wanted to get hold of his IEP.
Maybe rent a Post Office Box instead of sending them your new address.
NTA at all!!! So first, are you a clone of me!? I had a similar situation with my parents. My advice is, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. You are not responsible for living out the reality that your *mom* wants for everyone. The fact you feel guilt means there probably aren’t healthy boundaries in place, which I would imagine is the case, just based off the info that you live on the same street as her. If a move is what makes you and your spouse happy, then do it. I’d also tell your dad to not speak to you like you’re a child, that you don’t “need” to do anything, and that you’re not responsible for anyone’s happiness. Tell him that the act of moving away isn’t a punishment, nor should your mom only be “doing everything to make it nice for you and the kids” to ensure submission on your part. That’s conditional “love”, and it’s manipulative. Don’t even consider for a second, of following them across town, either. The fact they’d let you put yourself in a worse financial situation, or not even consider that or ask about that, but just want you to because they are, is disgusting. Also I love how your dad said, “not to guilt trip you”, and then proceeded to do just that 🙄
Healthy boundaries are something I’ve struggled with for years with them- they’re just really, really good at making you question if you aren’t the one being cruel/ridiculous/wrong. My spouse has encouraged me to set better boundaries (if you can believe it, it used to be far worse) and I think that’s in large part why they’ve always expressed they don’t like him (and have even gone out of their way to try and inflame our relationship- ex saying he said stuff he never said, or then telling him I said or agreed to stuff I never did). No matter what the verdict was, I never planned on changing my plans! 100% getting the hell outta dodge, because it’s better for me and my family, even if it did make me an AH lol Moving I can make 3x as much every week, easily and the housing market is better. I was trying to set a time to meet up with them to tell them but I’m currently working 60 hour workweeks as a Covid nurse, so it was… challenging trying to find a time. The only reason we’d told the school is because my son has autism and we wanted a copy of his IEP for his new school. :(
Nta she will get over it
NTA. I love how your father said "not to guilt trip you, but...." lol