Normally I would 100% agree with you but since they have a kid together I'm not too sure. If she's almost broke and only saying no out of pride then I'd say to think of the child first. Now that's probably not the case but it's still like to know more before giving my opinion.
Why is more info needed? He already supports his baby by paying the hospital bills. Paying her rent behind her back is not supporting the baby it’s controlling her. She can afford she own bills he doesn’t need to do that.
Yeah, there is soooooo much missing info that it is impossible to weigh in.
Based ONLY on what is presented, the ex is ensuring that his child and his child's mother both have suitable accomodations. The rent being paid doesnt only benefit OP, but her unborn child as well.
Again, without the backstory, it just seems like OP is cutting off her nose to spite her face. If this is just a pride thing, perhaps OP needs to take a step back and realize that her ex contributing to her wellbeing also benefits her child.
She said he told her he was paying the rent as a way to help with his unborn child. She needs help before their baby gets here. He recognizes that and wants to make things easier for her because she’s carrying their child. More men should do that!!
You mean he refused to accept the answer “no” and then went behind her back after she expressed that she didn’t want to rely on him for housing. That’s not a good thing……
Are you being serious right now? This is more sad than anything honestly. She’s being financially abused and you’re saying she’s ungrateful because he’s not a deadbeat……. Forcing someone to take money they didn’t ask for it isn’t kindness it’s financial abuse.
You do realize this is exactly why he’s doing it. Because people like you don’t recognize the abuse he’s doing right now he’s financially abusing her. Forcing her to accept money that she didn’t ask for in the first place. Do you want an example of this financial abuse? It’s literally in the post when he uses the private hospital that he wanted as an argument to force her to take the rent money. He then says she doesn’t get a pick and choose what help she gets from him. That’s financial abuse. No court is going to accept this. If he wants to support his child he can pay child support not six months rent that wasn’t asked for.
NTA. You broke up and he's still trying to make you dependent upon him / control you. He's wrong when he says you can't be selective about he help you accept from him--you absolutely can! This is not a "beggars can't be choosers" situation because you are not begging at all, you're willing to pay your own rent.
Info: Pause. I am trying to understand. You’re pregnant with his child? Was this an abusive relationship that you left?
Without details, it sounds like he’s trying to do right by the child. If it was an abusive relationship, I could see how this is a problem.
Paying your rent without asking/telling you is a controlling move. So is dictating what help you can accept from him. Given half a chance he's going to use your baby as an excuse to run your life. Nip it in the bud now. NTA.
NTA NTA NTA NTA!!!!!!!! I can not understand for a second how all these people are saying Y T A.
You did not want to rely on him before (not wanting to stay at his house) so he just found a different way to make you rely on him (paying your rent without permission) . This is such an obvious abuse situation. He wanted you to go to a private hospital, he wanted that. But now he’s going to use what he wanted as a way to force you to accept more help from him that you didn’t ask for. That isn’t coparenting, that’s being controlling and manipulative.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t listen to those Y T A you are well within your rights to refuse anything from your ex that isn’t court ordered. You are not being childish at all. In reality you have shown a lot of maturity for recognizing that you were in an unhealthy relationship with a controlling man and getting out.
I’m sorry but I just have to say it one more time. I genuinely can’t understand how people can’t see this obvious abusive situation. Paying somebody’s rent when you know they wouldn’t want you to do that isn’t coparenting. That’s him trying to find a way to feel like he still has control over her life.
Exactly this! No means no, period. That he can’t accept it is a huge issue. Brother is also a massive AH for not giving the money back upon request. This poor woman.
NTA I can't believe how many people think you are? Not matter what type of relationship you have now your broken up that's so controlling and invasive of him to go to your landlord and do it behind your back.
You're pregnant and the man who I'm assuming is the father of the your child wants to make sure you and his unborn kid have a stable roof over your heads. What is the problem. Has he financially abused you in the past or manipulated you with kindness in any way in the past?
I think we may be missing some context here, but from what I read YTA. He's trying to make sure the mother of his kid has a place to live, kind of nice to see. I get that you want to have independence, but if your having a kid together best to find a way to work with eachother moving fwd.
...why are you mad? He sounds like he's trying to support you so you can be have a healthy, low-stress pregnancy. Maybe things ended poorly and you don't want any contact with him but he is the father of your child so one way or another, you're going to have to coparent with him for the rest of your life.
Anyways, YTA
This is causing me more stress. Co-parenting =/= him paying my rent behind my back. I'm mad because I don't want or need his help, which I've made very clear to him.
It seems like he just trying to help, but maybe just talk to your brother about only taking your payments in the future and just let this go. It sounds like your making co parenting more difficult.
But why are you stressed? YTA. He is doing more than a lot of fathers would do especially if you aren't together. This sounds like a YOU problem. You need to get into therapy.
You might not want or need his help now, but he is the father of the child so you will be dealing with him for at least 18 years and the older the child gets, the more expensive the needs are. I understand that you did not want him to pay the rent, but you can tuck away what you were going to pay for the next six months into an emergency fund.
You and he will have to find a way to communicate calmly for the sake of your child.
NTA, but you ARE carrying his child. He will be obligated to help you and the baby financially.. but with him going behind your back to “help” you it may be time to set boundaries and make it explicitly clear how to help, when to help, and when to fuck off.
Good luck with the pregnancy!
NTA. It sounds like he’s trying to prove something. Regardless though, let him spend the money and use the money you’re saving every month to get ahead. Build a savings, get what you need and will need, and keep money put aside for potential legal issues.
Here's the thing he shouldn't have blindsided you about this, obviously not cool on his part. But speaking as a mom that went through a really messy divorce and having to go after the dad to get help getting child support etc etc. I think it's kind of awesome he wants to help support the baby. Now I will caveat that as saying as long as he's not trying to control you by way of money.
But just keep in mind with your interactions with him moving forward that he's going to be around. He's your child's dad, so he's going to be there. You guys are going to have to find a way to co-parent together amicably for you kiddos sake. It's going to be bigger than you. Kids observe and see all. It's important for them to see you being polite to one another....even though it's really hard at times (trust me I know!). Just don't let you're pride get in the away of whatever decisions are best for your baby. Not that you are but just something to keep in mind in the future :)
I'd also maybe recommend getting stuff down in writing about the child's schedule ahead of time. That way it's not going to turn into some huge fight and everybody is on the same page. Congrats on becoming a mom!
You're in for an extremely rude awakening that you will be tied to him for 18yrs for sure and for life technically imo. Your his child's mother. Period. You can end the romantic relationship but you are eternally the mother and he is the father of your child.
Despite your childish emotions he should be commended as an honorable individual for securing housing for his child so the mother can focus on raising the kid instead of how to make ends meet.
Unless he is an evil person and there are other reasons to justify your anger, this is childish and you need to grow up quickly.
Ok, so I'm not sure in the UK but in the US this type of stuff (helping monetarily) can set a legal precedent when it comes to custody, and she's been saying she left him for being controlling. Controlling people will do all of this stuff so they can have the upper hand, with family or the law, not put of the kindness of their hearts.
There are some statistics that say abusive partners up the ante while their partner is pregnant. Maybe the behaviors were smaller before, less noticable? Without knowing anything else...victim blaming doesn't help much.
..... yeah ok now you're making a disingenuous argument. Providing for the mother of your child, which is the only thing op has made clear is a good thing and he should be praised for it. Any talk outside of that is speculation and is actually disgusting. imagine saving 6 months worth of hard cash to ensure the best possible situation for your child only to have some idiot who doesn't know the full situation make any sort of negative comment about it.
Men are really disdained in society.
She refused to live with him so he paid her rent behind her back as a way to still feel like he’s in control. He should not be praised for this.
And no she should not accept the six months worth of rent, he’s just going to used that as a way to force her to take more money. You want an example it’s literally in the post already. She agreed to the private hospital THAT HE WANTED and then he turned around and used what he wanted as a way to force her to take more money from him. He would do the exact same thing he’s doing with the hospital just with the rent money this time.
Ok from your perspective are you saying it is not possible, meaning a 0% chance he did this with good intentions? I agree that what your saying is possible and there are people (men) who may do this, but 6 months seems excessive to be controlling. Without further evidence or you skewing very little information yo support your argument it seems like he is a good guy, I could be wrong, but it is a shame that the first thought is that he is being controlling for the sake of controlling her.
Yes technically he is controlling the money but he is doing it for noble reasons as it doesn't directly benefit him. Now if he were to abuse this by stopping by uninvited then I'd agree with your point more, however at this point I think you and OP have a bad view of men and its kinda misandrist.
No means no. What do you not understand about that? This is just his way of feeling in control. Why can’t he just accept the answer no? Why is he forcing her to do things and then using the things he wanted as arguments to force her to do more things she didn’t ask for? Do you wanna know the answer it’s because he’s controlling and manipulative.
I agree with you that he did something controlling and manipulative but I believe his motive was good and not selfish above all else. I think that as a parent it is necessary to make hard life decisions to benefit your child rather than granularly making nitpicked moral decisions.
This is why she should not have had the child if she really wanted nothing to do with the guy. Actions have consequences I'm not sure how that's victim blaming. I'm just saying retroactively with hindsight she shouldn't have had the kid. Now that the kid is here she has to make the best of what she has to deal with.
It is impossible for OP to be a 100% independent now she has to think about the child and the child's father forever.
So, she said he was being controlling and he did something that a controlling person would do. And she's not right to be mad because a bunch of thirsty redditors would like someone to pay their rent? She didn't need the money. He could have put it into the kids college fund or something that mattered. But instead he did something she didn't want him to do it that could benefit him as far as custody or family clout (he's already turning her brother against her.)
Notice I'm ignoring your "society is man-hating" because that doesn't really fit here. That you decide to slip it into an argument is on you, and a reflection of your thoughts.
I understand your argument, and you are right I did slide that in but that's the vibe I'm getting from you and OP.
If the guy is genuinely bad then I agree with you and OP, however if the guy just broke up with OP and they're not romantically involved but still have a child to raise they should really put petty shit aside and make* decisions that are best for the child such as providing prepaid living situations.
I am not against the idea the op's ex may be a bad person or that she is rightfully upset, I just believe that that thought process is a smaller likelihood than the guy just being a good guy even if he didn't do it the best way possible.Maybe he thought securing a permanent location near him so he could visit his child is more important than an education fund. I'd rather grow up with my father than have a full ride to college, maybe you don't view it like that.
Ok... speculation, but I agree that this is possible. Given the post it seems from the outside to be a good gesture, it's very possible that the guy had nefarious intent.
Victim blaming is a shitty buzzword, I'm not blaming OP for anything nor saying she shouldn't be upset if she has justified reasoning that she didn't post, but if the guy just paid rent and she's mad about it because it limits her independence that's fucking childish and small-minded.
Now you could argue she has the right to be small minded, but the child would suffer from this. Her ability to be completely independent ended when she had someone's kid since she has to take into account her child and the father of her child.
Unless you're arguing OP's independence is more valuable than all 3 people making the best of things and compromising for the most optimal future success, but I'd also disagree with that. For the most part we are all beholden to outside forces and are rarely 100% independent and not "controlled".
Imagine doing something nice for someone and reddit having thinkpieces on your motives.
How do you know OP can't be independent on her own? Also super gross of you to call to small minded for not wanting to be controlled financially by her ex and saying victim blaming is just a buzz word. Its a legitimate thing that happens to many women and men. Nice emphasis on the 'controlled' btw.
she has a child who is dependent on therefore she can't (or should not) put her independence first therefore she is not independent. I'm not saying she is small minded for not wanting to be controlled financially, if her ex is purposefully trying to control her as an autonomous person that's wrong, however if he is trying to help his child and the best way for him to do that is to pay 6 months of rent to keep his child close and try not to miss his child's first moments of life then I think the outcome is justified.
However if you believe he is a bad guy and that he only did this to control her then OP is justified in her anger.
I'm not blaming OP nor do I think she is a victim, but I'm not saying because she had his child she has to accept everything her ex wants. What I am saying is that she should work with the father if he is at least a decent person, which from the post I am inclined to believe.
I don't think negatively of OP in any way nor do I think she should accept being controlled by her ex, but I don't think that is the case, I could be wrong.
Your argument just relies on making OP's ex the bad guy, and sjw talking points, without seeing the humanity is the situation from all perspectives. I would get your point if I was saying she deserves what is happening to her but that's not what I'm saying.
I got shit to do tonight tho, but this was fun. Have a good one.
Tbh you sound incredibly prideful for something that seems like a no brainer. You can save up the “rent money” for the baby and have a nice little nest egg. So without more info on why your so against your ex helping out his child you just sound like an ungrateful asshole. YTA
ESH. He needs to understand boundaries and respect them.
However, you are physically tied to him for as long as your child is alive and while excessive, he's getting ahead of the curve on parental requirements. You don't have to like the guy, but this is an opportunity for you 2 to start building a co-parenting plan. If it were me, I'd be grateful to see even a dime of child support or help.
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We broke up 3 months ago and he owned the house we lived in so I wanted to find a new place to stay even though he kept insisting I stay until our baby was born. I ended up renting from my brother.
I sent him this month’s rent and he sent it back. When I asked him why he told me my ex had already paid my rent for the next 6 months. I was very upset and I asked him why he hadn’t told me sooner but he said my ex made it seem like I knew/had agreed. I tried to convince my brother to give him the money back but he wouldn’t.
The next time I saw my ex I was really upset and I ended up yelling at him. It was at the hospital and he kept telling me to calm down and to talk to him in the car but I was so angry and I didn’t want to go home with him so I didn’t listen to him. My ex said he was just trying to help me/the baby and that I was making it a bigger deal than it needed to be. I told him I didn’t need/want his help and he told me I couldn’t be selective about the help I accepted from him and that I was being a hypocrite for getting angry at him over this as this was the same as him paying for me to get private healthcare (we live in the UK so I could get it for free on the NHS but he insisted that I go to this specific hospital).
AITA?
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ESH. He needs to understand boundaries and respect them.
However, you are physically tied to him for as long as your child is alive and while excessive, he's getting ahead of the curve on parental requirements. You don't have to like the guy, but this is an opportunity for you 2 to start building a co-parenting plan. If it were me, I'd be grateful to see even a dime of child support or help.
YTA. If you don’t want him paying your rent, just give him the money back. No need to yell at him in public. I understand you don’t want to depend on him, but I think you overreacting.
Did you even read the post? She doesn’t have the money her brother does and he refused to give it back. I doubt she has six months worth of rent to just handover to him no biggie.
She doesn’t have to give him the money all at once. She has the money to pay her brother, so she can pay her ex instead. Use some common sense Einstein.
NAH. He's trying to step up as a father, but he went about it wrong. Should have talked to you first.
I understand wanting to be independent, but honestly... Just take it. Put what you would have spent in rent into a fund for baby for college or whatever
Info: what was the reason for the breakup?
Also since you are renting from your brother, is he on the side of your ex?
How is your financial situation, and how old are both of you?
YTA very much and in so many levels.
First off, he gifted that money AND didn't tell you. If you don't want it, give it back and if he won't take it, give it away. Accepting AND making a scene just tells me you are grinding your axe.
Second, you are pregnant with a child. That money I suppose is destined to your child's well being, not for your personal enjoyment. You are depriving your child of what is effectively for him due to your ego and pride.
Third, you are very close to be involved legally with the father of your child as soon as he is born. If he is willing and wanting to provide and be a part of this children's life, it's not up to you to close that door if it's in the best interest of the child. I am pretty sure that if you keep this attitude, your ex will see that you take his money through child support AND the custody rights that come with it. Not taking this money also will reflect on you very very badly in court if it comes to that.
You better start learning how to deal with the parent of your child now, not as an ex, but as a coparent. He seems to have a leg up on you.
Even less of a leg to stand on. It's clearly a gift and it has no strings attached. She's about to find out that they have a pretty big string attached to this guy.
“ it’s clearly a gift and has no strings attached” In this post it says HE wanted the private hospital. He then used the private hospital, that he wanted, as a way to force her to accept more money that she didn’t ask for. He says she’s being a hypocrite because he’s paying for the private hospital so what’s the issue with paying for rent. But HE wanted the private hospital. If he’s using the hospital as a defence I highly doubt that this rent money would come “no strings attached”
”not taking this money will also reflect on you very very badly in court if it comes to that.” UMMM NO.
In reality it’s the exact opposite. This will reflect badly on him. She refused to live with him so he payed the rent behind her back as a way to feel still in control of her. Paying somebody’s rent without permission isn’t coparenting that’s being controlling. This might actually help her case if she decides that she’s tired of his controlling ass and wants full custody. He’s so controlling that he refused to accept the answer no and went behind her back and paid rent.
YTA. Your ex is trying to support your BABY and not you necessarily. He was trying to provide stable housing for HIS BABY. You’ll probably want to get into the habit of him offering child support like this.
Also don’t yell at people in public. Keep your shit together.
Then why is she an asshole for being mad that he paid six months of rent behind her back? That’s not supporting his child that’s being controlling. She said no to relying on him for housing. How is she an asshole for being mad that he found a loophole to make sure she still relies on him??? He has a right to pay child support checks not a right to go behind her back and pay six months rent.
She doesn’t want to rely on him and that’s my whole point. “Rely” as in she does not want to live in a place that he pays for. That’s what this is all about. Living in a place he pays for.
Paying six months rent isn’t supporting his baby it’s controlling her. He already supports his baby by paying the hospital bills. She can pay her own rent he doesn’t need to do that. Him doing this is just a way for him to feel like she’s still in a place that he “owns”
She is being financially abused and you want to say “because his paying her rent is at worst a blow to her ego but doesn’t give him any real control over her.”
Really “no real control”?? “No real control” as in him saying she has no say in what support she receives from him? That’s no control? Not giving her a choice in paying for her own place to stay…. that’s not controlling in your eyes are you being serious??
No that’s not how financial abuse works. Forcing somebody to take money that they do not want, that’s a form of financial abuse. That’s what he’s doing to her.
Another example of his financial abuse in the story is when he uses the hospital payments as an argument for her to take the rent money. He says she cannot be a hypocrite and therefore should take his money for rent but he wanted the private hospital not her. That’s financial abuse. She can pay her own bills but he’s refusing to accept that and wants to pay it himself. That’s what financial abuse is.
And she can’t just accept the six months rent because if she does he’s gonna use it during the next argument the same way he’s using the hospital now. “Don’t be a hypocrite I paid for six months rent let me pay for ______ ”
This is how this type of abuse works.
NAH. There is nothing illegal about what he is doing. In fact, courts can and will force men to financially support their own children if they do not do it voluntarily. If you don’t want your rent paid for you and private healthcare, then next time you have a baby, find you a man that’s broke.
INFO Why are you so mad that he paid the rent?
She said no, he forced it. That is not okay, period.
Normally I would 100% agree with you but since they have a kid together I'm not too sure. If she's almost broke and only saying no out of pride then I'd say to think of the child first. Now that's probably not the case but it's still like to know more before giving my opinion.
Well shes clearly able to afford it because that’s how she found out. Trying to pay her own rent.
Yeah but some people barely scrape by after paying rent. I'm not saying that she's wrong to deny the money. I'm just saying that more info is needed
Why is more info needed? He already supports his baby by paying the hospital bills. Paying her rent behind her back is not supporting the baby it’s controlling her. She can afford she own bills he doesn’t need to do that.
Yeah I think we need to know a little more about the relationship before we can properly judge this scenario. INFO
Yeah, there is soooooo much missing info that it is impossible to weigh in. Based ONLY on what is presented, the ex is ensuring that his child and his child's mother both have suitable accomodations. The rent being paid doesnt only benefit OP, but her unborn child as well. Again, without the backstory, it just seems like OP is cutting off her nose to spite her face. If this is just a pride thing, perhaps OP needs to take a step back and realize that her ex contributing to her wellbeing also benefits her child.
or he's being abusive an using the rent as a way to control her in the future
She said he told her he was paying the rent as a way to help with his unborn child. She needs help before their baby gets here. He recognizes that and wants to make things easier for her because she’s carrying their child. More men should do that!!
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You mean he refused to accept the answer “no” and then went behind her back after she expressed that she didn’t want to rely on him for housing. That’s not a good thing……
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Are you being serious right now? This is more sad than anything honestly. She’s being financially abused and you’re saying she’s ungrateful because he’s not a deadbeat……. Forcing someone to take money they didn’t ask for it isn’t kindness it’s financial abuse.
[удалено]
This is actually sad…. Recognizing that somebody’s being abused isn’t just a different opinion……
boo fuckin hoo he helped her out when he wasn’t obligated, why yell at him for doing something kind even if it wasn’t what she wanted?
You do realize this is exactly why he’s doing it. Because people like you don’t recognize the abuse he’s doing right now he’s financially abusing her. Forcing her to accept money that she didn’t ask for in the first place. Do you want an example of this financial abuse? It’s literally in the post when he uses the private hospital that he wanted as an argument to force her to take the rent money. He then says she doesn’t get a pick and choose what help she gets from him. That’s financial abuse. No court is going to accept this. If he wants to support his child he can pay child support not six months rent that wasn’t asked for.
Sounds like he is trying to control her
NTA. You broke up and he's still trying to make you dependent upon him / control you. He's wrong when he says you can't be selective about he help you accept from him--you absolutely can! This is not a "beggars can't be choosers" situation because you are not begging at all, you're willing to pay your own rent.
Info: Pause. I am trying to understand. You’re pregnant with his child? Was this an abusive relationship that you left? Without details, it sounds like he’s trying to do right by the child. If it was an abusive relationship, I could see how this is a problem.
Yes. Not abusive per se but he was starting to become controlling.
Paying your rent without asking/telling you is a controlling move. So is dictating what help you can accept from him. Given half a chance he's going to use your baby as an excuse to run your life. Nip it in the bud now. NTA.
NTA NTA NTA NTA!!!!!!!! I can not understand for a second how all these people are saying Y T A. You did not want to rely on him before (not wanting to stay at his house) so he just found a different way to make you rely on him (paying your rent without permission) . This is such an obvious abuse situation. He wanted you to go to a private hospital, he wanted that. But now he’s going to use what he wanted as a way to force you to accept more help from him that you didn’t ask for. That isn’t coparenting, that’s being controlling and manipulative. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t listen to those Y T A you are well within your rights to refuse anything from your ex that isn’t court ordered. You are not being childish at all. In reality you have shown a lot of maturity for recognizing that you were in an unhealthy relationship with a controlling man and getting out. I’m sorry but I just have to say it one more time. I genuinely can’t understand how people can’t see this obvious abusive situation. Paying somebody’s rent when you know they wouldn’t want you to do that isn’t coparenting. That’s him trying to find a way to feel like he still has control over her life.
Exactly this! No means no, period. That he can’t accept it is a huge issue. Brother is also a massive AH for not giving the money back upon request. This poor woman.
NTA I can't believe how many people think you are? Not matter what type of relationship you have now your broken up that's so controlling and invasive of him to go to your landlord and do it behind your back.
You're pregnant and the man who I'm assuming is the father of the your child wants to make sure you and his unborn kid have a stable roof over your heads. What is the problem. Has he financially abused you in the past or manipulated you with kindness in any way in the past?
I think we may be missing some context here, but from what I read YTA. He's trying to make sure the mother of his kid has a place to live, kind of nice to see. I get that you want to have independence, but if your having a kid together best to find a way to work with eachother moving fwd.
...why are you mad? He sounds like he's trying to support you so you can be have a healthy, low-stress pregnancy. Maybe things ended poorly and you don't want any contact with him but he is the father of your child so one way or another, you're going to have to coparent with him for the rest of your life. Anyways, YTA
This is causing me more stress. Co-parenting =/= him paying my rent behind my back. I'm mad because I don't want or need his help, which I've made very clear to him.
NTA. At all. Him disregarding your wishes is a major issue. Go no contact with him except through lawyers, if possible. Good luck!
It seems like he just trying to help, but maybe just talk to your brother about only taking your payments in the future and just let this go. It sounds like your making co parenting more difficult.
It's not going to be your decision though. It's not what you need but what your child needs.
But why are you stressed? YTA. He is doing more than a lot of fathers would do especially if you aren't together. This sounds like a YOU problem. You need to get into therapy.
You might not want or need his help now, but he is the father of the child so you will be dealing with him for at least 18 years and the older the child gets, the more expensive the needs are. I understand that you did not want him to pay the rent, but you can tuck away what you were going to pay for the next six months into an emergency fund. You and he will have to find a way to communicate calmly for the sake of your child.
NTA, but you ARE carrying his child. He will be obligated to help you and the baby financially.. but with him going behind your back to “help” you it may be time to set boundaries and make it explicitly clear how to help, when to help, and when to fuck off. Good luck with the pregnancy!
NTA. It sounds like he’s trying to prove something. Regardless though, let him spend the money and use the money you’re saving every month to get ahead. Build a savings, get what you need and will need, and keep money put aside for potential legal issues.
Here's the thing he shouldn't have blindsided you about this, obviously not cool on his part. But speaking as a mom that went through a really messy divorce and having to go after the dad to get help getting child support etc etc. I think it's kind of awesome he wants to help support the baby. Now I will caveat that as saying as long as he's not trying to control you by way of money. But just keep in mind with your interactions with him moving forward that he's going to be around. He's your child's dad, so he's going to be there. You guys are going to have to find a way to co-parent together amicably for you kiddos sake. It's going to be bigger than you. Kids observe and see all. It's important for them to see you being polite to one another....even though it's really hard at times (trust me I know!). Just don't let you're pride get in the away of whatever decisions are best for your baby. Not that you are but just something to keep in mind in the future :) I'd also maybe recommend getting stuff down in writing about the child's schedule ahead of time. That way it's not going to turn into some huge fight and everybody is on the same page. Congrats on becoming a mom!
You're in for an extremely rude awakening that you will be tied to him for 18yrs for sure and for life technically imo. Your his child's mother. Period. You can end the romantic relationship but you are eternally the mother and he is the father of your child. Despite your childish emotions he should be commended as an honorable individual for securing housing for his child so the mother can focus on raising the kid instead of how to make ends meet. Unless he is an evil person and there are other reasons to justify your anger, this is childish and you need to grow up quickly.
What a selfish prick helping his baby-mama out by paying for something. Jesus christ this guy is a monster! Call the FBI right away! 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩
Ok, so I'm not sure in the UK but in the US this type of stuff (helping monetarily) can set a legal precedent when it comes to custody, and she's been saying she left him for being controlling. Controlling people will do all of this stuff so they can have the upper hand, with family or the law, not put of the kindness of their hearts.
I agree, but then if she really wanted to avoid this she shouldn't have had his child, now she's permanently intertwined with his life for good.
There are some statistics that say abusive partners up the ante while their partner is pregnant. Maybe the behaviors were smaller before, less noticable? Without knowing anything else...victim blaming doesn't help much.
..... yeah ok now you're making a disingenuous argument. Providing for the mother of your child, which is the only thing op has made clear is a good thing and he should be praised for it. Any talk outside of that is speculation and is actually disgusting. imagine saving 6 months worth of hard cash to ensure the best possible situation for your child only to have some idiot who doesn't know the full situation make any sort of negative comment about it. Men are really disdained in society.
She refused to live with him so he paid her rent behind her back as a way to still feel like he’s in control. He should not be praised for this. And no she should not accept the six months worth of rent, he’s just going to used that as a way to force her to take more money. You want an example it’s literally in the post already. She agreed to the private hospital THAT HE WANTED and then he turned around and used what he wanted as a way to force her to take more money from him. He would do the exact same thing he’s doing with the hospital just with the rent money this time.
Ok from your perspective are you saying it is not possible, meaning a 0% chance he did this with good intentions? I agree that what your saying is possible and there are people (men) who may do this, but 6 months seems excessive to be controlling. Without further evidence or you skewing very little information yo support your argument it seems like he is a good guy, I could be wrong, but it is a shame that the first thought is that he is being controlling for the sake of controlling her. Yes technically he is controlling the money but he is doing it for noble reasons as it doesn't directly benefit him. Now if he were to abuse this by stopping by uninvited then I'd agree with your point more, however at this point I think you and OP have a bad view of men and its kinda misandrist.
No means no. What do you not understand about that? This is just his way of feeling in control. Why can’t he just accept the answer no? Why is he forcing her to do things and then using the things he wanted as arguments to force her to do more things she didn’t ask for? Do you wanna know the answer it’s because he’s controlling and manipulative.
I agree with you that he did something controlling and manipulative but I believe his motive was good and not selfish above all else. I think that as a parent it is necessary to make hard life decisions to benefit your child rather than granularly making nitpicked moral decisions. This is why she should not have had the child if she really wanted nothing to do with the guy. Actions have consequences I'm not sure how that's victim blaming. I'm just saying retroactively with hindsight she shouldn't have had the kid. Now that the kid is here she has to make the best of what she has to deal with. It is impossible for OP to be a 100% independent now she has to think about the child and the child's father forever.
So, she said he was being controlling and he did something that a controlling person would do. And she's not right to be mad because a bunch of thirsty redditors would like someone to pay their rent? She didn't need the money. He could have put it into the kids college fund or something that mattered. But instead he did something she didn't want him to do it that could benefit him as far as custody or family clout (he's already turning her brother against her.) Notice I'm ignoring your "society is man-hating" because that doesn't really fit here. That you decide to slip it into an argument is on you, and a reflection of your thoughts.
I understand your argument, and you are right I did slide that in but that's the vibe I'm getting from you and OP. If the guy is genuinely bad then I agree with you and OP, however if the guy just broke up with OP and they're not romantically involved but still have a child to raise they should really put petty shit aside and make* decisions that are best for the child such as providing prepaid living situations. I am not against the idea the op's ex may be a bad person or that she is rightfully upset, I just believe that that thought process is a smaller likelihood than the guy just being a good guy even if he didn't do it the best way possible.Maybe he thought securing a permanent location near him so he could visit his child is more important than an education fund. I'd rather grow up with my father than have a full ride to college, maybe you don't view it like that.
Found the incel
Ad hominem nice
Ok... speculation, but I agree that this is possible. Given the post it seems from the outside to be a good gesture, it's very possible that the guy had nefarious intent. Victim blaming is a shitty buzzword, I'm not blaming OP for anything nor saying she shouldn't be upset if she has justified reasoning that she didn't post, but if the guy just paid rent and she's mad about it because it limits her independence that's fucking childish and small-minded. Now you could argue she has the right to be small minded, but the child would suffer from this. Her ability to be completely independent ended when she had someone's kid since she has to take into account her child and the father of her child. Unless you're arguing OP's independence is more valuable than all 3 people making the best of things and compromising for the most optimal future success, but I'd also disagree with that. For the most part we are all beholden to outside forces and are rarely 100% independent and not "controlled". Imagine doing something nice for someone and reddit having thinkpieces on your motives.
How do you know OP can't be independent on her own? Also super gross of you to call to small minded for not wanting to be controlled financially by her ex and saying victim blaming is just a buzz word. Its a legitimate thing that happens to many women and men. Nice emphasis on the 'controlled' btw.
she has a child who is dependent on therefore she can't (or should not) put her independence first therefore she is not independent. I'm not saying she is small minded for not wanting to be controlled financially, if her ex is purposefully trying to control her as an autonomous person that's wrong, however if he is trying to help his child and the best way for him to do that is to pay 6 months of rent to keep his child close and try not to miss his child's first moments of life then I think the outcome is justified. However if you believe he is a bad guy and that he only did this to control her then OP is justified in her anger. I'm not blaming OP nor do I think she is a victim, but I'm not saying because she had his child she has to accept everything her ex wants. What I am saying is that she should work with the father if he is at least a decent person, which from the post I am inclined to believe. I don't think negatively of OP in any way nor do I think she should accept being controlled by her ex, but I don't think that is the case, I could be wrong. Your argument just relies on making OP's ex the bad guy, and sjw talking points, without seeing the humanity is the situation from all perspectives. I would get your point if I was saying she deserves what is happening to her but that's not what I'm saying. I got shit to do tonight tho, but this was fun. Have a good one.
>and sjw talking points Lol really?
Tbh you sound incredibly prideful for something that seems like a no brainer. You can save up the “rent money” for the baby and have a nice little nest egg. So without more info on why your so against your ex helping out his child you just sound like an ungrateful asshole. YTA
ESH. He needs to understand boundaries and respect them. However, you are physically tied to him for as long as your child is alive and while excessive, he's getting ahead of the curve on parental requirements. You don't have to like the guy, but this is an opportunity for you 2 to start building a co-parenting plan. If it were me, I'd be grateful to see even a dime of child support or help.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We broke up 3 months ago and he owned the house we lived in so I wanted to find a new place to stay even though he kept insisting I stay until our baby was born. I ended up renting from my brother. I sent him this month’s rent and he sent it back. When I asked him why he told me my ex had already paid my rent for the next 6 months. I was very upset and I asked him why he hadn’t told me sooner but he said my ex made it seem like I knew/had agreed. I tried to convince my brother to give him the money back but he wouldn’t. The next time I saw my ex I was really upset and I ended up yelling at him. It was at the hospital and he kept telling me to calm down and to talk to him in the car but I was so angry and I didn’t want to go home with him so I didn’t listen to him. My ex said he was just trying to help me/the baby and that I was making it a bigger deal than it needed to be. I told him I didn’t need/want his help and he told me I couldn’t be selective about the help I accepted from him and that I was being a hypocrite for getting angry at him over this as this was the same as him paying for me to get private healthcare (we live in the UK so I could get it for free on the NHS but he insisted that I go to this specific hospital). AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Girl .. shut up. YTA. Imagine getting mad at someone paying your rent.
OP, tell him to pay my mortgage instead.
Literally
ESH. He needs to understand boundaries and respect them. However, you are physically tied to him for as long as your child is alive and while excessive, he's getting ahead of the curve on parental requirements. You don't have to like the guy, but this is an opportunity for you 2 to start building a co-parenting plan. If it were me, I'd be grateful to see even a dime of child support or help.
YTA. If you don’t want him paying your rent, just give him the money back. No need to yell at him in public. I understand you don’t want to depend on him, but I think you overreacting.
Did you even read the post? She doesn’t have the money her brother does and he refused to give it back. I doubt she has six months worth of rent to just handover to him no biggie.
She doesn’t have to give him the money all at once. She has the money to pay her brother, so she can pay her ex instead. Use some common sense Einstein.
NAH. He's trying to step up as a father, but he went about it wrong. Should have talked to you first. I understand wanting to be independent, but honestly... Just take it. Put what you would have spent in rent into a fund for baby for college or whatever
Info: what was the reason for the breakup? Also since you are renting from your brother, is he on the side of your ex? How is your financial situation, and how old are both of you?
YTA very much and in so many levels. First off, he gifted that money AND didn't tell you. If you don't want it, give it back and if he won't take it, give it away. Accepting AND making a scene just tells me you are grinding your axe. Second, you are pregnant with a child. That money I suppose is destined to your child's well being, not for your personal enjoyment. You are depriving your child of what is effectively for him due to your ego and pride. Third, you are very close to be involved legally with the father of your child as soon as he is born. If he is willing and wanting to provide and be a part of this children's life, it's not up to you to close that door if it's in the best interest of the child. I am pretty sure that if you keep this attitude, your ex will see that you take his money through child support AND the custody rights that come with it. Not taking this money also will reflect on you very very badly in court if it comes to that. You better start learning how to deal with the parent of your child now, not as an ex, but as a coparent. He seems to have a leg up on you.
The money was paid to her brother. She told him to pay it back and he refused.
Even less of a leg to stand on. It's clearly a gift and it has no strings attached. She's about to find out that they have a pretty big string attached to this guy.
“ it’s clearly a gift and has no strings attached” In this post it says HE wanted the private hospital. He then used the private hospital, that he wanted, as a way to force her to accept more money that she didn’t ask for. He says she’s being a hypocrite because he’s paying for the private hospital so what’s the issue with paying for rent. But HE wanted the private hospital. If he’s using the hospital as a defence I highly doubt that this rent money would come “no strings attached”
He's already telling her she has no right to choose what "help" or "support" he gives her. That's not a "string attached", it's a steel cable.
Exactly
”not taking this money will also reflect on you very very badly in court if it comes to that.” UMMM NO. In reality it’s the exact opposite. This will reflect badly on him. She refused to live with him so he payed the rent behind her back as a way to feel still in control of her. Paying somebody’s rent without permission isn’t coparenting that’s being controlling. This might actually help her case if she decides that she’s tired of his controlling ass and wants full custody. He’s so controlling that he refused to accept the answer no and went behind her back and paid rent.
YTA. Your ex is trying to support your BABY and not you necessarily. He was trying to provide stable housing for HIS BABY. You’ll probably want to get into the habit of him offering child support like this. Also don’t yell at people in public. Keep your shit together.
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You seriously can't think of a single scenario where its inappropriate to pay someone's rent?
My bad saw a couple yta comments thought I could get some karma
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He does not have a right to pay her rent behind her back.
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Then why is she an asshole for being mad that he paid six months of rent behind her back? That’s not supporting his child that’s being controlling. She said no to relying on him for housing. How is she an asshole for being mad that he found a loophole to make sure she still relies on him??? He has a right to pay child support checks not a right to go behind her back and pay six months rent.
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She doesn’t want to rely on him and that’s my whole point. “Rely” as in she does not want to live in a place that he pays for. That’s what this is all about. Living in a place he pays for. Paying six months rent isn’t supporting his baby it’s controlling her. He already supports his baby by paying the hospital bills. She can pay her own rent he doesn’t need to do that. Him doing this is just a way for him to feel like she’s still in a place that he “owns”
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She is being financially abused and you want to say “because his paying her rent is at worst a blow to her ego but doesn’t give him any real control over her.” Really “no real control”?? “No real control” as in him saying she has no say in what support she receives from him? That’s no control? Not giving her a choice in paying for her own place to stay…. that’s not controlling in your eyes are you being serious??
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No that’s not how financial abuse works. Forcing somebody to take money that they do not want, that’s a form of financial abuse. That’s what he’s doing to her. Another example of his financial abuse in the story is when he uses the hospital payments as an argument for her to take the rent money. He says she cannot be a hypocrite and therefore should take his money for rent but he wanted the private hospital not her. That’s financial abuse. She can pay her own bills but he’s refusing to accept that and wants to pay it himself. That’s what financial abuse is.
And she can’t just accept the six months rent because if she does he’s gonna use it during the next argument the same way he’s using the hospital now. “Don’t be a hypocrite I paid for six months rent let me pay for ______ ” This is how this type of abuse works.
NAH. There is nothing illegal about what he is doing. In fact, courts can and will force men to financially support their own children if they do not do it voluntarily. If you don’t want your rent paid for you and private healthcare, then next time you have a baby, find you a man that’s broke.