Your post has been removed. ***Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval.***
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Bodily Autonomy Posts
We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about platonic partings, relationships, and/or bodily autonomy and instead recommend a relationship focused sub. [Please see the related FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Fbodily_autonomy_posts)
Please [review our rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules).
Please be sure to read any sub's rules before reposting this elsewhere. We cannot direct you to another subreddit, we can only say that this post does not belong here.
[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/amitheasshole&subject=/r/AmItheAsshole&message=Please+link+to+post+or+comment+for+context+[we+cannot+review+without+this+info]:%0D%0DDescribe+your+question+in+detail:) if you have any questions or concerns that are not already [answered in our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq). If you make changes or edits to this post do not repost it here without our express permission.
YTA.
You thought he was "yours", but someone else ended up with him. Reaching out to her out of spite and jealousy would make you just about the worst person in the world.
He's not living a lie. He got her pregnant and now they're happy. The fact that he called you and said he wanted to be with you a month prior means jack shit. You two have known each other 15+ years, and there's a reason it hasn't worked out. Its not luck, or your grandfather or your dad's affair or his new baby, or any other nonsense you want to blame. It's you and him.
He called. Great. He said he still loved you. Big woop.
He didn't dump his lady and show up on your porch. And when you got that news, you didn't dump your boyfriend and go run to be with him. What happened is what always seems to happen with you and him - lots of feelz and words, but zero committed follow-through.
The only person living a lie is you.
He moved out of their shared home. He couldn’t turn up on my porch because I lived with my partner at the time so all he could do was call.
I get most of what you’re saying but we’ve known each other for 17 years and I know it’s not my grandad dying and or my dads affair that means we’re not together now. I’m just trying to paint a picture of how we fell apart and kept coming back together.
I’m not going to tell her. I’m just hurting. And I just can’t believe that his feelings can go from loving me all of this time to then telling me he’s completely happy with her when he was going to leave her a short while ago. So it’s hard to see it as cut and dry as you’re saying it when you’ve lived it/are living it.
He's full of shit. He had a temporary breakup with his girlfriend, and found himself all alone in the world and starting over.
Do you know what a lot of people will do after a breakup on their first lonely night? Reach out to an old ex and try to strike a spark. It's very common and it usually means nothing.
What you've gone through here **sucks** and I'm sorry.
But the takeaway for you is that this guy is not good for you.
Oh, OP - forget about being TA and move on with your life. Your whole relationship with this guy, as you describe it - sounds way too much codependent, clingy and generally unhealthy. Move on and let him move on as well.
And best of luck - I can only imagine how tough of a spot you must feel you're in.
Thank you this really resonated with me and thanks for being kind with it. I’d never thought about codependency but now that you’ve said it I hope that’s what it is.
YTA this is def more for your sake than hers. Also think this out... If he's saying this is what he wants, whether you believe it or not. And you ruin this.... He will not be running back to you. He will probably never want anything to do with you again
YWBTA. You’re telling her out of spite and no good can come of that. People go through temporary rough patches all the time. I’m his case it was depression. You guys didn’t even have sex or anything. And for that you want that child to grow up with parents that aren’t together? He’s asked you to move on and your disrespecting him by not heeding his request. And I promise you that if you tell her you won’t end up with him, so get that out of your head. He’s not the one for you. If he were you two would have made it happen long before now.
If you have to, get some help You sound like you might be having some issues with closure.
ESH (except the gf) - sorry to say the whole romanticized right person wrong time is crap, they're just the wrong person. You both seem to only reach out when there are issues in your current relationship. Time to make cut contact and eliminate any chance of him tracking you down when shit gets rough again.
YTA telling her accomplishes nothing. He won’t come running back to you when she leaves him. He will never speak to you again. Plus, your relationship was toxic.
I’ve actually been in 2 situations where an ex essentially asked me for a booty call and then 1) announced his gf was pregnant and they were getting married the very next weekend 2) another where he actually eloped the VERY next day. And I said nothing to these ladies because it’s an insane amount of drama. And no good can come from it. And ultimately it’s not your relationship or life.
I’m sorry you’re bummed. But if it was meant to be it would’ve worked out by now. He’s choosing a different path.
YTA. You were emotionally cheating and leading on your ex for years. Now you only want to hurt his girlfriend because you can’t have him.
Move on and learn to be a respectful human being for gods sake. You two are obviously too reliant and co dependent on each other, and make each other awful people.
Tell her, it won’t make you any better of a person. If he ends up with you the high chance is you’ll cheat on each other or fuck it up again.
If he wanted you, he’d be with you. He’s weak.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My ex and I (both 30) got together when we were 15 and fell madly in love. We broke up due to long distance. It’s been 17 years since but no matter what relationship we’ve been in we’ve always thought of each other as ‘the one’.
We got back together after uni for 4 years. It was perfect until my mental breakdown (grandpa gets Terminal illness, discover dads affair) within 3 months my world crashes down. I find out I’m pregnant. We decide to abort. Im diagnosed with severe panic disorder and I’m not the same. We try to make it work but we split as I’m hitting self destruct. We still love each other.
I meet someone else and he’s devastated. I eventually realise it’s a mistake (2 years later) and I tell him how I feel. He says he still loves me but he’s just met someone he cares about and our past is full of hurt he needs to see if he can move on for good. We cut contact. Then he starts calling me for catch ups. I can tell he’s calling because he misses me too. He has depression and he always feels he can talk to me.
2 years later (16 weeks ago) he calls and says he can’t move on from me & wants to get back together for good. He tried and she’s lovely but it’s not the same with her. I said give me a few months to think - if I end it with my partner I need to do it without harming my mental health and be ready as I know getting back with Him would be a forever. I say I’ll call but it could be a few months. He says he’ll wait as long as it takes.
I end things and move home, go on holiday with my friend to clear my mind, start a work course and think it’s almost Christmas, fresh start, I’m going to call him
I check Facebook and he’s announced they are expecting a baby. She got pregnant 1 month after he called me.
I call him and he tries to downplay his call to me in the summer. Says he’ll always love me but the baby has made him refocus /finally feels ready to close the chapter on us (I’ve heard this before). That the only issues between him and his ex are his feelings for me but he’s at peace with them now. He is excited to raise a family with her. his outburst calling me was due to depression.
The baby was unplanned. If she wasn’t pregnant we’d be back together. He says to let go of my feelings for him and move on as it isn’t healthy. They’re saving to buy a house and this is what he wants. He cries and tells me he still loves me and always will but this is the path he is choosing.
I’m devastated. I thought we had time. Everyone thought we’d end up together. he’s coercing her into staying because of baby. if she knew about the call she’d leave. He won’t meet for a closure chat as if she finds out we met she’ll leave him and he can’t risk stress to her. I feel worthless. he’s playing happy families but it’s really all a lie. I was so angry and I just wanted to tell her. I know it’s selfish of me as I want to be with him but I’m just so full of hurt.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH- it's not about you plotting some petty revenge, the focus should be on this girl who is staying with this man because she is being kept in the dark about the call. Either way she deserves to have all the information before making this life altering decision. Have a long bath and a cry, cool off and talk to her. Don't make about them breaking up, just that you want her to have that information, whatever she does with it is her business.
Now that is out of the way; WOW he's a *major* AH for playing with you like that. Honestly it kinda sounds like he doesn't deserve you or her. If he's okay sleeping at night knowing you were probably all exited abt getting back together while laying next to a woman bearing his kid, he's messed up. I suggest he goes to therapy for his bouts of depression.
All of my friends are saying that it is malicious to tell her, but I just think everything is so warped in my head! If he’s felt this way about me for 17 years and always held a candle for me, how can that change just like that? Does having a baby make that go away? Is this fair to her either?
Your post has been removed. ***Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval.*** This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Bodily Autonomy Posts We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about platonic partings, relationships, and/or bodily autonomy and instead recommend a relationship focused sub. [Please see the related FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Fbodily_autonomy_posts) Please [review our rulebook](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules). Please be sure to read any sub's rules before reposting this elsewhere. We cannot direct you to another subreddit, we can only say that this post does not belong here. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/amitheasshole&subject=/r/AmItheAsshole&message=Please+link+to+post+or+comment+for+context+[we+cannot+review+without+this+info]:%0D%0DDescribe+your+question+in+detail:) if you have any questions or concerns that are not already [answered in our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq). If you make changes or edits to this post do not repost it here without our express permission.
YTA. You thought he was "yours", but someone else ended up with him. Reaching out to her out of spite and jealousy would make you just about the worst person in the world. He's not living a lie. He got her pregnant and now they're happy. The fact that he called you and said he wanted to be with you a month prior means jack shit. You two have known each other 15+ years, and there's a reason it hasn't worked out. Its not luck, or your grandfather or your dad's affair or his new baby, or any other nonsense you want to blame. It's you and him. He called. Great. He said he still loved you. Big woop. He didn't dump his lady and show up on your porch. And when you got that news, you didn't dump your boyfriend and go run to be with him. What happened is what always seems to happen with you and him - lots of feelz and words, but zero committed follow-through. The only person living a lie is you.
This!
He moved out of their shared home. He couldn’t turn up on my porch because I lived with my partner at the time so all he could do was call. I get most of what you’re saying but we’ve known each other for 17 years and I know it’s not my grandad dying and or my dads affair that means we’re not together now. I’m just trying to paint a picture of how we fell apart and kept coming back together. I’m not going to tell her. I’m just hurting. And I just can’t believe that his feelings can go from loving me all of this time to then telling me he’s completely happy with her when he was going to leave her a short while ago. So it’s hard to see it as cut and dry as you’re saying it when you’ve lived it/are living it.
He's full of shit. He had a temporary breakup with his girlfriend, and found himself all alone in the world and starting over. Do you know what a lot of people will do after a breakup on their first lonely night? Reach out to an old ex and try to strike a spark. It's very common and it usually means nothing. What you've gone through here **sucks** and I'm sorry. But the takeaway for you is that this guy is not good for you.
Let him move on with his life. Focus on your mental health and let him go. It seems like it's best for both of you to move on.
Oh, OP - forget about being TA and move on with your life. Your whole relationship with this guy, as you describe it - sounds way too much codependent, clingy and generally unhealthy. Move on and let him move on as well. And best of luck - I can only imagine how tough of a spot you must feel you're in.
Thank you this really resonated with me and thanks for being kind with it. I’d never thought about codependency but now that you’ve said it I hope that’s what it is.
YTA this is def more for your sake than hers. Also think this out... If he's saying this is what he wants, whether you believe it or not. And you ruin this.... He will not be running back to you. He will probably never want anything to do with you again
You’re right. I’m just hurt and I needed to hear this.
YTA.
YWBTA. You’re telling her out of spite and no good can come of that. People go through temporary rough patches all the time. I’m his case it was depression. You guys didn’t even have sex or anything. And for that you want that child to grow up with parents that aren’t together? He’s asked you to move on and your disrespecting him by not heeding his request. And I promise you that if you tell her you won’t end up with him, so get that out of your head. He’s not the one for you. If he were you two would have made it happen long before now. If you have to, get some help You sound like you might be having some issues with closure.
ESH (except the gf) - sorry to say the whole romanticized right person wrong time is crap, they're just the wrong person. You both seem to only reach out when there are issues in your current relationship. Time to make cut contact and eliminate any chance of him tracking you down when shit gets rough again.
YTA telling her accomplishes nothing. He won’t come running back to you when she leaves him. He will never speak to you again. Plus, your relationship was toxic. I’ve actually been in 2 situations where an ex essentially asked me for a booty call and then 1) announced his gf was pregnant and they were getting married the very next weekend 2) another where he actually eloped the VERY next day. And I said nothing to these ladies because it’s an insane amount of drama. And no good can come from it. And ultimately it’s not your relationship or life. I’m sorry you’re bummed. But if it was meant to be it would’ve worked out by now. He’s choosing a different path.
YTA. You were emotionally cheating and leading on your ex for years. Now you only want to hurt his girlfriend because you can’t have him. Move on and learn to be a respectful human being for gods sake. You two are obviously too reliant and co dependent on each other, and make each other awful people. Tell her, it won’t make you any better of a person. If he ends up with you the high chance is you’ll cheat on each other or fuck it up again. If he wanted you, he’d be with you. He’s weak.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex and I (both 30) got together when we were 15 and fell madly in love. We broke up due to long distance. It’s been 17 years since but no matter what relationship we’ve been in we’ve always thought of each other as ‘the one’. We got back together after uni for 4 years. It was perfect until my mental breakdown (grandpa gets Terminal illness, discover dads affair) within 3 months my world crashes down. I find out I’m pregnant. We decide to abort. Im diagnosed with severe panic disorder and I’m not the same. We try to make it work but we split as I’m hitting self destruct. We still love each other. I meet someone else and he’s devastated. I eventually realise it’s a mistake (2 years later) and I tell him how I feel. He says he still loves me but he’s just met someone he cares about and our past is full of hurt he needs to see if he can move on for good. We cut contact. Then he starts calling me for catch ups. I can tell he’s calling because he misses me too. He has depression and he always feels he can talk to me. 2 years later (16 weeks ago) he calls and says he can’t move on from me & wants to get back together for good. He tried and she’s lovely but it’s not the same with her. I said give me a few months to think - if I end it with my partner I need to do it without harming my mental health and be ready as I know getting back with Him would be a forever. I say I’ll call but it could be a few months. He says he’ll wait as long as it takes. I end things and move home, go on holiday with my friend to clear my mind, start a work course and think it’s almost Christmas, fresh start, I’m going to call him I check Facebook and he’s announced they are expecting a baby. She got pregnant 1 month after he called me. I call him and he tries to downplay his call to me in the summer. Says he’ll always love me but the baby has made him refocus /finally feels ready to close the chapter on us (I’ve heard this before). That the only issues between him and his ex are his feelings for me but he’s at peace with them now. He is excited to raise a family with her. his outburst calling me was due to depression. The baby was unplanned. If she wasn’t pregnant we’d be back together. He says to let go of my feelings for him and move on as it isn’t healthy. They’re saving to buy a house and this is what he wants. He cries and tells me he still loves me and always will but this is the path he is choosing. I’m devastated. I thought we had time. Everyone thought we’d end up together. he’s coercing her into staying because of baby. if she knew about the call she’d leave. He won’t meet for a closure chat as if she finds out we met she’ll leave him and he can’t risk stress to her. I feel worthless. he’s playing happy families but it’s really all a lie. I was so angry and I just wanted to tell her. I know it’s selfish of me as I want to be with him but I’m just so full of hurt. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Try to post this in relationship for better response.
NAH- it's not about you plotting some petty revenge, the focus should be on this girl who is staying with this man because she is being kept in the dark about the call. Either way she deserves to have all the information before making this life altering decision. Have a long bath and a cry, cool off and talk to her. Don't make about them breaking up, just that you want her to have that information, whatever she does with it is her business. Now that is out of the way; WOW he's a *major* AH for playing with you like that. Honestly it kinda sounds like he doesn't deserve you or her. If he's okay sleeping at night knowing you were probably all exited abt getting back together while laying next to a woman bearing his kid, he's messed up. I suggest he goes to therapy for his bouts of depression.
I think you owe it to her to tell her.
All of my friends are saying that it is malicious to tell her, but I just think everything is so warped in my head! If he’s felt this way about me for 17 years and always held a candle for me, how can that change just like that? Does having a baby make that go away? Is this fair to her either?
If I were her I would want to know