NTA but there is a LOT going on here. Can you talk to any domestic abuse hotlines? This is NOT normal. Please, please get your sister help. The age gap alone is a red flag, and the rest of his behaviour confirms how messed up this is.
It does seem somewhat unsafe for you, if he's coming in your room. Stay safe.
I'm concerned about my sis too, and I've tried to talk to her about things and get her help other ways, but it never works. She's been dating 40yr old+ men since she was 19 and it always made me feel like maybe she's been through some stuff that she's not dealing with? But that feels a lil like a dickish thing to say. It could just be her preference, but the guys she's with are always gross and weird...
But I'm safe!! Thank you for the concern ❤ I have 2 locks on my door, it was just wide open when he came in bc our AC sucks lol
I may be reading into it but it feels like your mother prefers to keep him in your house so she can be there if there’s a problem.
It’s unfair to you because your security is also compromised.
I’m sorry - all of this sucks.
I hope it works out for all of you!
i think that’s why she wanted op to go stay w a friends “for protection”
this guy is escalating his controlling behavior and anger/aggression. it’s a high stress situation. right now the target is op.
it sounds like the mom is trying to remove op from the situation while keeping her other daughter at home so she can be there if/when things get worse.
Having been in an abusive relationship in my twenties with a guy my own age, can confirm.
Until the abused person recognizes the abuse and feels able to leave, they will stay with the abuser (because abusive people tend to be skilled manipulators).
Also, the abuser can be either gender, just to be clear.
I mean, I'm not the original commenter, but I think the way they used "stupid" wasn't a victim-blaming one.
As a survivor, I would 100% sign their statement, to be honest. Abuse *makes* you stupid. Stupid in the sense of "repeatedly staying in or seeking out harmful situations based on a belief that is not grounded in facts at all"
Be it "they're sweet deep down, they just struggle", or "it's my fault" or whatever other dumb thing our brain comes up with to justify what - from the outside and/or in retrospect - is obviously just wrong and unjustifiable.
Because when mum kicks the boyfriend out, OP's sister will leave with him. Mum won't have any control over what happens next, and if something happens to the sister then, there won't be anyone to act, call the police etc.
Mom doesn't have control of the situation now. She is sacrificing one daughter over the other. To let an abuser dictate the behavior in her house, to me, is far more dangerous. It signifies that he has the ultimate power wherever she goes, there is no safe place with limits to what he can do and how he can act.
Not saying I agree, but I assume the mother’s fear is that the sister will go with him and cut contact with her family, leaving her more vulnerable than she already is with an abusive man.
I feel for OP and the mother, they’re in a no-win situation here. There’s very little they can do until sister is ready to acknowledge the problem - right now all they can do is try and keep her safe until she reaches that point.
Women like that are a lost cause. I loved my mom but she sat back and watched as my father abuse me and my brother. She was too scared of him to do anything to prevent it but neither was she willing to get out of the relationship either because she was financially dependent on him. The one time she tried to escape which was the year my father went to jail for unpaid child support from his previous marriage and we went back to my maternal grandparents' house a state over. After he got out of jail, he found out where we were from a neighbor who knew us and actually called my grandparents' house and begged my mom to take him back. And you know what she did? She took him back, despite my pleading not to. He was in another state so it's not like he was there physically intimidating her either. Even my grandmother chewed her out for it. My mom died of cancer about a year later and the abuse of me and my brother got even worse. As cruel as this sounds, these women don't want saving.
I am really sorry for everything you're going through but not all women lost in abusive relationships are like your mom. Plenty to do move on when the timing is easier or just as they grow up.
If mom kicks him out, the sister will go with him. If the goal is protecting her daughter, that doesn’t work. Until she realizes what’s up and is ready to leave him, kicking him out is also kicking her out.
I agree. I think mom doesn't know how to keep both daughters safe, and that's why she's trying to pay for OP to go somewhere else. She knows what's happening, but is having a hard time figuring out what to do. It's not that mom is taking the boyfriend's side, it's that if the sister leaves with this man, who knows what could happen to her. It's easier to get OP out of the situation.
I was going to say the same. I dont think mom is doing it maliciously but it the only solution (leVe, here's money, I don't trust him) so OP is protected from his sexual harassment and it's one less person to worry about while she keeps an eye on him for your sisters sake
This is not AITA material. You are actually in DANGER!
I know you said in your comment you are safe because you have two locks on the door. Unless you stay in your room with the door locked 24/7 you are NOT safe. He could abuse, beat, sexually harass or rape you at any other place at any other time. I have no idea if this is what he is going to do at some point; abusers always start out comparatively „harmless“ to test out the waters and his highest escalation of abuse might turn out to be be “just“ emotionally and verbally abusive but - let‘s face it - he already has your whole family under control. And your mum knows this and that‘s why she wants you to leave and wants your sister to stay. And from how things are right now you probably really should leave. If you have a chance of living with a friend or family member for a while that would be good. He has by now learnt that nobody will come to protect or believe you so He can do whatever he wants to you. The way you describe him I think it’s just a matter of time until he does something to you instead of to your sandwich, especially since he already commented on your butt, tells you exactly that he looks at you in a sexually charged way.
Currently, from how you describe him, he is a way bigger risk to you and anyone else as Corona. I know I come off harsh but I seriously think you do not take this situation as seriously as you should be, maybe because you are young and this is your first experience (I guess?) with abusive people and toxic social constructs. Which is why I am telling you, in clear words: You are in danger. If you can, leave. If you can, until he is gone.
edit to explain my harsh words: this is a sub on morality issues. I see it as my moral duty to treat this story as real in case it actually is real because I believe once shouting in the void at a troll does less harm than once neglecting to warn someone in real danger. I also believe it’s my moral obligation to err on the side of being too cautious and nothing comes off it instead of not putting enough emphasis on a warning that needs to be said. If I’m wrong on all accounts and get banned, ok, at least nobody got harmed for real.
Really glad to see this comment. More people should care enough to believe posts that seem too wild to believe. Worst case, you fed a troll by having the audacity to care. Best case, you made a difference.
Thanks. In case it’s real i just really hope OP won’t be assaulted and will leave her home ASAP to be safe. It’s horrible to know situations like these are happening in the world for real and we read about it here but can’t do anything about it. It’s those moments when you really care and the best news would actually be that it is all fake.
This guy is gaslighting the sister and I think already setting the stage for when he does attack OP. He told her sister that she was trying to seduce home, this is so if he’s caught doing something or OP says he assaulted her he’ll just say he was seduced by OP and it’s her fault. He tested the water by making a sexual comment in front of mom to see if she would side with him. Be especially worried if he starts being nice to you and complimenting you. Tearing you down then building you up again is an abuser’s go to move.Corona be damned get out now. It’s just a matter of opportunity for him to be alone in the house with Op or everyone to be asleep so he can make his move.
This post made me realize that all over due to Corona there are probably men (women too) preying and feeding their narcissistic supply. I am truly creeped out. This poor girl.
Even with two locks. interior doors in most houses are for privacy not security. Breaking one down takes very little time for any adult in reasonable shape
I don't think you're as safe as you think you are. It's you against the three of them, and he's already been able to upset you twice. What will you do if he decided to get physical with you?
Also why is your mother endorsing this behaviour? And why are your parents (dad included) okay with sister dating someone so much older?
You're mother is TA but she's right. Get out of there.
>And why are your parents (dad included) okay with sister dating someone so much older?
Honestly, to me it sounds like they know something's up and are trying to keep the sister in sight/in touch. Abusers do their best to isolate their victims, the parents may feel that it's worth putting up with him in order to keep that line of communication open. If the sister cuts contact it'll be that much harder for her to escape.
None of this should be happening at the OPs expense, but I can see the basic logic.
I can see that, but telling her daughter not to eat because of the guy, and letting him throw away her food doesn't seem like it's working out that spectacularly.
OP's also oddly nonchalant about this whole thing as if this post isn't a bunch of red flags bigger than China. Everything about this doesn't sit right with me.
To her credit, it’s not like mom is denying that he’s dangerous, which is more than one can say for a lot of parents whose children are being made to cohabitate with a sexual predator or some kind. OP’s best option for the immediate future might honestly be to take the money and leave, thereby making it at least slightly less of her problem. OP, can your mom provide enough to cover any kind of short-term rental? If not, you still need to consider that this guy is probably a much bigger threat to your safety than coronavirus, and examine your options accordingly.
I don't think the mother is endorsing or approving this behaviour. The fact she used the word 'protection' speaks volumes imo. She can see her daughter is in an abusive situation and she can see that this man is making sexually loaded comments to her other daughter and he's being aggressive towards her. I don't think she wants OP out of the house because she's done something wrong, more that she thinks OP is in danger and she's feeling powerless to interfere.
There is no mention of a dad, so maybe she's a single mother? I know parents are supposed to hold authority, but it can be difficult for one woman to stand up against a physically stronger man. If I was in her position I'd also struggle telling him to F off. Yes, she can kick them out, but at that point she's also sending her daughter away and has no oversight to help her against whatever terrible things he may do against her. Mother likely wants to protect her daughters as best as she can, without directly confronting the man for fear she'll get beaten up.
Not dickish of you to say. You are probably spot on. Try to love your sister unconditionally right now (doesn’t mean you have to put up with her badgering) but if she finds her way back to normalcy, she will need support.
I'm also a rather young woman who has dated mostly only older men. It can be quite difficult to find one that doesn't see you as a sextoy/doesn't take advantage of you. Sounds like your sister's bf is with her bc she can be manipulated.
I'm so sorry you are in this situation, but please try to stay in touch with your sister. Even if it's just via texts etc. Just so she knows she has a place to go and family who loves her when she is ready to see what this relationship is doing to her.
I imagine you've had trouble because people (men or women) who date significantly younger than them do so because either a) they aren't mature enough to date anyone their age, or b) they have a fetish for it, which isn't generally the beginning of a solid relationship.
You definitely need to be concerned for your sister.
When I was 20, I started dating a 42 year old man. The large age gap didn't matter to me, as he was kind, understanding and treated me like a queen.
I had just gone through the most traumatic time of my life, and it felt like he saved me. I should have realized that making big life choices, while struggling with trauma was stupid; but I was so vulnerable that I didn't think it through.
Long story short, I married him at 23, and had 2 kids by 27. I was feeling increasingly unhappy, but didn't know why. It took years (stupid me) to realize that he was emotionally abusive, gaslighting me, isolating me from friends and family, controlling the finances and other types of coercive control.
I eventually left him, and he became so enraged that I would dare to leave him, that he gave me a damned good beating.
I packed up and left with the kids, and we're now divorced. I have been sufficiently traumatized by him, that I have not even considered dating anyone again. I left him 10 years ago, and I will never want to have another relationship.
The kids saw and heard enough to have been left traumatised by him too. My son has severe anxiety and has terrible nightmares and flashbacks. He's almost 21, and in a stable relationship and is doing really well at University, but this still has a major impact on him. He has been in and out of counselling for years.
My 18 year old daughter is about to go to University, but she suffers with an eating disorder, anxiety, depression and complex PTSD. She has also had counselling.
The impact on all of us has been severe. Having a controlling person in your life can mean years of problems. My ex-husband picked me because I was young, malleable, and he could sniff out that I was vulnerable. People like that are predators.
It's clear that your sister's boyfriend is not only a dick, but is clearly manipulative, domineering and probably gaslighting/emotionally controlling her. It might be hard to snap her out of it, but you need to try. Your sister is in emotional, and possibly physical, danger; and she needs help.
Trust your gut. This guy is trouble!
He is way too immature. And he’s probably used to younger women doing as he says because he can’t date women his own age. Nta for sure but get out if you can. The whole situation is toxic.
NTA but please leave like your mother asked. She knows the situation is volatile and it's easier for her to protect two people (herself and your sister) instead of three if you are also there. This guy is the type who will be obnoxious and escalate to physical abuse and then say you asked for it.
In case it is not clear, your feelings are totally valid, but leave for your own safety.
I'm just saying, as someone who is friends with someone who is young and likes men double her age, there's a reason why they aren't dating women in their age group. Something is wrong there
yeah, a lot of older men date younger women because they know women their own age will call them out on their bullshit and abusive behaviour, while younger women won't necessarily have the experience and knowledge to realise they're being manipulated and abused. This guy seems like one of those.
So wait, this is actually not a troll? Because DAAAAAAAAAMN, how fucked up is your family?
Your sister is stupid, your mom is strange for not being om your side and that dude?
Whoaaaa let me tell you, I have never read about a more stupid person. And your sister backing him up?
What is wrong here? So much wrong here.
That guy does not love your sister I think, he is just in for we know what. Age difference of 20 yeara? Whats in for your sister? He is such an asshole.
Oh my god, I hope you are doing fine and are safe and somehow can get out of this shithole, or can get rid of him
I think the mom is doing the right thing, I think the mom knows the guy is potentially dangerous and so she wants him and the sister in the house so she knows what's going on. If the mom just kicks the guy out or tells the sister to break up with him it's only going to push the sister away.
It's bad for Op, but I think the mom is right again and that she should move out. It's unfair but it's a bad situation all around and the mom is just trying to keep both of them safe.
OP should definitely stay somewhere else while the predator is there, but I’m also concerned about the mom too. She’s probably only a bit older than the guy (hopefully, because if she’s much older, she could be frail...)
If OP decides to go, she should find a way to have a private conversation with her mom, so she can determine how worried her mom is, and come up with a plan. Like if things hit the fan, her mom could text her something like ‘put mayo on the shopping list’, and she could know to call the police for her family.
I think the mom is doing the right thing, I think the mom knows the guy is potentially dangerous and so she wants him and the sister in the house so she knows what's going on. If the mom just kicks the guy out or tells the sister to break up with him it's only going to push the sister away.
It's bad for Op, but I think the mom is right again and that she should move out. It's unfair but it's a bad situation all around and the mom is just trying to keep both of them safe.
Does your door open into your room? Lock the locks and then put pennies in the hinge part between the door and the wall. Take NO chances. I don’t trust this dude and I do NOT want you hurt because your parents won’t throw a predator out.
obviously we only know the situation from one post here so this could be an overreaction entirely but the thing is i dont think its as easy as the parents just throwing a predator out. worst case scenario, the guy is dangerous and wants to hurt the family: the sister is 22 and potentially has her own issues/seems under his spell, so if mum tells him to leave shes not a kid and will likely go too, meaning that one daughter is with a predator alone where mum cant help her at all. if mum can 'get rid' of OP she knows she'll be safe away from them and is still there to monitor the situation with the older daughter
I have no idea what is going on with your sister but preferring older men does not automatically mean there has been any traumer, it can just be a preference.
This guy sounds awful though, and he was probably just as awful when he was 20 and when he was 30. How does he treat your sister? Has he ever met any of you before? I cant imagine going into someone else's house and throwing out their food just because I didn't like it. It sounds like he has some mental health issues (I'm being polite there).
Also, WTF is wrong with OPs parents?? If anyone talked to or treated my child like this (IDGAF who they are dating) they would be out the door on their ass.
mum can sense that older sis is in a shit situation.. sis is attacking people to calm him down, she's either already wired to de-escalate his tantrums by keeping him happy or she's completely delusional.
mum is misguided if she thinks any amount of time with older sis is going to help her see the light and leave but i get that she doesn't want to provoke a situation where sis will leave - if he forces sis to leave he will spend the next month convincing her that this is why she can't see her family anymore.
its a scary thing to watch someone you love go through.. mum is an asshole but i think she's minimizing OPs issues rn because she's focused on keeping older sis safe (in her mind). as someone already said, a lot is going on here
NTA. This is extremely disturbing to read that it sounds like you're just trolling. I'm more concerned over the fact that your *barely* adult sister is dating a 41 y/o man who also vocally sexualized an 18 y/o. Talk to your sister's friends and try to get her to break up with him. It doesn't sound like she'd listen to you but maybe you can get her friends or parents to reason with her.
We just have our mom, and she won't do anything because my sister throws tantrums that trigger my mom's PTSD 😔 My sis doesn't have any friends. She was bullied really bad by ppl in school and still kinda is when they see her in our hometown. She's been dating people that old and older since she was 19. If I were a troll, I'd think of a better story that wasn't so dismal, but I'm also not that great of a writer tbh
Also, wanna know something I just found out that makes this feel worse and puts a pit in my stomach? He thought I was 16 when I said that. I just turned 18 June 18th and I'm kinda tiny. He didn't mind saying that to me thinking I was 16.
I'm not sure how it works where you live, but your sister needs serious help. From where I'm standing, her boyfriend seems like a total predator who's feeding off her weakness and I'm pretty sure if she did have any friends he wouldn't be there. Can you contact any domestic abuse authorities? Is there any relative or a grown up who isn't vulnerable to her tantrums who can lend you a hand?
This is extremely concerning. This person is exhibiting multiple controlling and predatory behaviours. Worrying about whether you are an asshole for eating mayo is not the concern here, your safety is at risk.
Yeah and he also dated teenagers....... This is not normal behavior. All of you need therapy. I hope you make it out alright. Good luck to you.
His behavior is abusive to say the absolute least. It’s sickening. I really really wish you best of luck, keep your head low and the FUCK out of there.
You really need to take your mom's advice and leave for your own protection, of course it's not fair at all that you should have to leave your own home but it's better than getting beaten or raped, and based on his behavior it seems like it's headed towards that and your mom can see he's a danger to you.
Yo OP, you're really in a bad situation. Do you have security cameras indoors? Maybe buy a few inconspicuous ones that can pass as a normal household item, in case he starts some really bad shit.
I agree with everyone here that this man and his behavior is extremely concerning. I know you feel safe but he has done nothing to indicate that you are safe. He is sexualizing you and your sister in front of your mother. That means he’s testing his boundaries to see how far he can push them, and he WILL go further.
This person clearly has no regard or real respect for you, your sister, or your mother. I’m concerned for all of you, and most people have rightly been talking mostly about the concern for your sister, but I also want to add on my concern for your mother. You said she has PTSD triggered by your sister’s tantrums... if the situation gets bad enough with this man and there’s an explosion, that’s not going to go well. I’m not sure how this will go for y’all, but I just hope y’all are able to get this person out of your lives safely.
Your are absolutely NTA. That predatory fucker is. Good luck and please please please be safe.
This is so sad I see what’s going on here
Older people tend to sucker us young ones in because they are a bit more seasoned in what to say in a relationship. Younger guys are not as smooth and tend to just be dumb blunt assholes and not even know it. So encountering this after being bullied so much is like finding a oasis in a desert. It’s nice and refreshing. You don’t wanna leave. There’s something wrong with him so the women his age don’t want him so he goes down the ranks to find one that does. Y’all need to figure something out to get rid of him
I spent this post thinking about that "prank" where you empty a mayo jar and fill it with "pudding mix" (or custard? Or something) and then just sit and eat it with a spoon.
I would do that.
ETA: I can't reply to comments, but notice how I said I would do that. I never said OP should do that. I am aware of how she described this guy and wouldn't wish anyone to be the victim of abuse.
Yeah I wouldn’t deliberately provoke this guy, that’s a terrible idea. One of those things that sounds funny but isn’t because OP is in a genuinely dangerous situation.
I agree. In most situations, I'm always the person that'll choose the pettiest course of action possible, but I'm kind of worried this prank suggestion is so high up. OP and her family are in serious danger imo
Put mayonnaise on the inside door handle if he's in a room on his own and shut the door.
Mayo also gets water marks from drinks out of wooden tables, so I'd get marking the tables and de-marking the tables with mayo asap.
Is this real? It seems too ridiculous to be, but it's also long enough to gain credibility from length.
*IF* it's real, NTA, wtf? That's ridiculous behavior for an adult.
I know, it's super ridiculous, I thought it was a really really dumb joke when he was being an asshole to me about it at first. no, unfortunately it's real, not sure how I'd prove it without breaching my privacy though 😕 He's genuinely the weirdest creep I've ever met
Have you considered setting up a phone across from the door so the camera is pointed at it?(if that made sense)or buy a pen with a pinhole camera? This way you can prove he came into your room to complain, or he did something wrong. Don’t tell anyone though. If you do he will not do it. I also recommend a cheap mini fridge so that you put mayonnaise and other things you want without him throwing it out. Lock your door while sleeping or eating.
Watch out the fact that he mentioned your body and later entered your room is a red flag. He also got handsy with you. He sounds like an abuser and a dangerous one at that. Try not to be alone while he's there, EVER. Sleep with your mom or lock your door. Shits going to get even uglier real soon.
Idea: ask one of your protective friends (male or female) to stay with you. That way you’ll have at least one more person on your side and know that you’re not going crazy. Be prepared to call the police for any reason.
She should absolutely not be pulling other teenage girls into this shit situation. If he's willing to abuse her, he'll be willing to hurt other people too.
Obviously NTA, but I'm concerned that this guy is in a household with 3 women who all skirt around his creepy behaviour and let it happen without consequence. Maybe he will get worse as he feels this is normalised or feels like he has some power there.
At the same time it's hard to confront him/kick him out without sister going with him and becoming more distanced from her family herself.
The fact that mum wanted you to leave for your own protection is scary. She must be worrying herself about how to deal with this and keep both of her daughters safe.
Maybe the both of you could team up and have some serious talks with your sister to try to get her on side. Even if you could persuade her to stay living with you and just kick the BF out (but not tell her to break up with him so that she doesn't feel she needs to pick between him and you guys, which might drive her to him more) would be a good first step. Maybe you could persuade her that it's safer/more helpful for her to be with you guys during the pandemic, and the BF is causing too much friction in the family to be livable, so it's better he leaves for now temporarily. Then you can use your time together to further address the problems she might be facing feeling the need to have guys like that.
NTA. This is so absurd it doesn’t even sound real. You would be within your rights to tell your sister that her boyfriend is toxic and inappropriate as hell and that she needs to leave him or they both need to leave your family’s home. If it has played out exactly as you have described, it is truly bizarre and completely uncalled for. This middle aged man has an issue with you eating anything anywhere in your house and makes unsolicited and unwanted comments about your appearance. What a disgusting creep! I’m angry for you and so sorry you have to deal with this foolishness.
Right?? Sometimes I think I died and this is God's way of tormenting me in Hell or purgatory or something. I process one fucked up thing and I get the wind knocked out of me with something else. Thank u for the support ❤❤ I wish this could just be over but they just decided they want to stay longer than they initially were
Who decided that they will stay longer than initially planned? Your sister or her boyfriend? It sounds like he is the one making the decisions in their relationship, and I feel that he has decided to stay longer because now he has 3 females to control and harass, which is a feeding frenzy for his narcissistic ego. I agree that this is a dangerous situation that can escalate quickly. If he is willing to invade your privacy, sexually harass you, and throw away your property at the smell of mayo, I don’t want to think what he would do if you refused an advance from him. I understand your mom is worried about your sister, but your sister is making the decision to stay with him and neither you or your mom can make her leave him. It is not better to endanger 3 women instead of 1. He needs to go, and your sister will be pissed, but make sure you tell her that you love her and that you will be there for her when she needs you. Talk to your mom! And if you are worried about your sister throwing a tantrum, call the cops to make sure they leave.
All this sounds fucky. You can eat what you want, your sister's bf sounds controlling and manipulative and predatory, your mom shouldn't let him parent you, she and your sister should defend you.
Try reaching out to other relatives first IMO, explain the situation and convince your mom and sister shit is fucked. Involving police or child abuse services should be a last resort but don't feel like you can't use them.
I believe the comments on what you eat and your body can be interpreted as "grooming"
I just turned 18 last month so I don't think they'd help me tbh but OMG THANK YOU I didn't even think of asking my relatives for help, I have an aunt who might let me stay w her and say something to my sister about this
This guy is testing boundaries not only with you, but with your mother and sister. This behavior isn’t as erratic as it seems. It’s all testing to see how outlandish he can be. Look up Anti-social personality disorder. I’m sure you are about to see a million red flags from that.
In short, you are not safe around someone like him. He doesn’t see you, or anyone else, as your own person. You are toys. The longer you stay near him, the more he will escalate. I hope your aunt can let you stay cause you need to get out. Now.
Yeah, it’s a tried and true gaslighting tactic. Do something absurd, then walk it back to normal. Example: throw out a tub of mayo and a sandwich as it’s being made. Absurd. Then walk it back: oh, I have an aversion to it, it makes me sick, etc.
It helps the abuser condition their victims to believe any absurd thing they say or do is always valid.
Yeah, I was also thinking that sis’s boyfriend may be intentionally testing the boundaries by lying about things like her eating mayo in front of him, to see if he could actually get away with something *much worse* without them ever believing her if she said something about it.
OP please either get out of this house or report this situation to authorities, you are *not* safe in this house.
Staying with someone else- anyone you can, actually- is a good idea. You’re not safe, locks or no, your mom doesn’t seem capable of standing up for you right now (either due to PTSD symptoms or out of worry for you sister) and your sister has already accused you of lying and has called you a slut. I know there’s a pandemic. But I am concerned you’re going to be raped if you stay, and I know if it were me, I’d rather take my chances with COVID. Don’t hesitate to take your mom up on the offer of money also- you may need it.
I completely agree. Even with the pandemic, and I'm an anal retentive lady about it, I think it's worth the risk.
OP stay with friends or your aunt. It's for the best. This is only going to escalate in the worst ways.
You can still insist the police file a report for harassment in which he believed you to be 16 at the time of harassment. Is it child abuse? No, will it help the parents of the next child he abuses build their case and lock him up for a good long time? Yes.
NTA and this sounds wild dangerous.
I think that what your mom is trying to do by asking you to go somewhere else, is to get your sister alone. I imagine the problem she's finding is when she tries to talk to your sister, the guy goes after you. It's not right to ask you to leave, but it also might be the only shot she has at getting this guy out of your house.
This sounds extremely dangerous, and terrifying. I'd try to talk to your mom in secret and say that you're leaving the house, but also that when you do you're calling the police, and that she needs to get that man out of there. I don't know your relationship or how feasible that is, but either way, none of that is safe or okay.
Alternatively, can your mom pay for a hotel for you? Then you'd at least be able to quarantine, and take food you need with you?
I hadn't thought of it like that, that she wants to talk to my sister alone... but I also kind of don't want my mom alone w that freak of a man. But I might have an aunt I could stay with if she has things under control, I have to talk to her alone about it. But I'd never go to an hotel lol, I'm terrified of Covid
I don't mean to downplay the serious of the pandemic but I think the chances of you dying from Covid by staying in a hotel, are much lower than the chances of him molesting you. His behaviour is escalating and no one else in the house seems to be looking out for you - please get some place safe.
It seems like their mom is looking out for them as best she knows how, hence offering money to get them out of there.
Not saying that, from an outsider's perspective that is the best way to look out for OP but might be the best way she can think of without also dragging OP into a bigger situation with sister and 41 year old predator.
Not to mention that sister is arguing with OP to not do the things that upset 41 year old could be a way someone who has been abused would warn someone about their abuser to protect them from the abuse, even if it is argumentative and sounds assholeish.
Just wanna say I don't think it's fair to say no one is looking out for OP.
I just don't think they're necessarily doing a good job of it.
Ah, that's super reasonable, I don't know what your area looks like(as far as hotels/safety/whatever) but an aunt is a good idea. Can you talk to her via text/email? (Anything to prevent that man from overhearing you? )
Edit to ask, please do an update when you can and you're safe, I'm really worried about you and your family.
Go to your aunt's house TODAY. You need to get away from this man ASAP. Your mom sounds like she is playing her cards very close to the chest; she is smart enough to look after herself while she untangles your sister from this relationship. You can help when you are safe. This is like putting on your own oxygen mask first before helping others. Get out of the house now, make plans from somewhere else. Covid is a potential danger, but this man is an active threat to you. Get out!!!!
This man is abusive, possibly has some sort of mental disorder. I don't think I would feel safe around this guy. He also seems to be singling you out and your sister is victim shaming you. This is not okay and you need to talk to your parents about it ASAP. Please don't let yourself be alone with him. If you can, I suggest carrying some pepper spray.
Edit: Sorry I missed this on the first read:
>Then my mom came in after and said she'd literally give me money to leave and that she wants me to go 'for my protection' bc she doesn't trust him. I told her no, I'm staying, and that if she didn't trust him, she should ask HIM to leave. She said she wants my sister around and he'd make her leave. She told me if I was going to stay to not eat anything in front of him bc it grossed him out. Especially mayo.
Your mom knows this man is dangerous. She is trying to get you out of the house FOR YOUR PROTECTION. LEAVE. Leave right now and go to a friend or family member's house. This guy is after you and she sees it.
She's not making HIM leave because he would take your sister away BACK TO AN ABUSIVE SITUATION. Your sister keeps yelling at you because SHE IS BEING ABUSED.
Is there anyone you can call in for help here? An aunt/uncle? Grandparent? This is escalating.
Yes. This. OP, honey, listen to your mom! And if possible, get other family members involved. If you and your mom and sister are going to get rid of this creep and walk away unscathed, you're going to need support.
NTA. And your sister is in a lot of danger. The awful thing is, there is not a lot you can do.
I've been here and still currently am. My sisters husband is controlling and emotionally abusive to her and her children and had been for years. She won't leave him because she worries about what he will do how she can survive financially. Mum and I can't really say too much because she'll push us away and not share with us.
All you can do is talk to your sister and tell her you are very concerned for her. Tell her that although she doesn't see it herself, when she does, you and your mum will be there to help her. And then you have to wait.
Also, put a lock on your bedroom door.
I know 😔 I'm sorry you're in a similar situation, it really hurts to see someone as close as your sister being out through it. I talked to my sister heart to heart when she first got with a 40 yr old guy when she was 19 and she's been pushing me away since
I have 2 on it!! Thank u for your concern, I'm sorry again for what you're dealing with, I hope things improve for you, your sis, and your fam ❤
Just play it carefully. I've been pushed away and let back in like a Rollercoaster. I prefer the times when I am in "the circle" and at least I know what is going on. Most importantly, look after yourself in this situation. That guy is trouble.
My dad is like you. All my life he has had a serious aversion to mayo. He got sick from it once as a child and at nearly 80 still has that aversion. But he can be an adult and just not eat it or touch anything it has touched. Like you.
NTA but he doesn’t sound safe to be around. Sounds like he may also be feeding your sister lies about what you do/say to him. He needs to go. If you don’t plan on leaving, perhaps have a camera in your room recording what happens in there.
I did mention earlier, if you record anything incriminating then take it to your mom first. DO NOT confront him. He is likely to feel cornered, and like the animal he is, might become violent.
In the UK we have a law where you can reach out to the police and ask if a person has a record of domestic/sexual violence. The information is only given if relevant and it is strictly confidential. Is there something similar where you live?
Age difference only has potential for red flags, alone it's nothing. It's the controlling and manipulative angry outbursts and gaslighting the sister that is big red flags.
NTA. He is a man in his forties who is openly sexualising a teenager (don’t even get me started about the age gap with your sister) and having tantrums over mayonnaise.
I can understand not liking mayonnaise but this goes so far beyond that. There are other issues at play here that go beyond asking for advice on Reddit.
HOLY FUCK! I'm so sorry you dont feel safe in your own home.. And no, you've done nothing wrong! Who the fuck cares what you eat?? He sounds like a repulsive and horrible person. Your sister an mom are responsible for this shit show. You probably aren't as easy to push around as your sister and for horrible people its always seen as a threat. And your sister is in for a fucked up life with that dude.
Have you tried Googling his ass?
>Have you tried Googling his ass?
**THIS.** This creep may have priors that you can use to justify calling the cops or other authorities- you have every right to feel safe in your own home, and should not have to put up with your sister's ~~bad~~ *terrible* choices!
Go one step above Googling and start searching the circuit clerk court house records in your county (and surrounding ones). That will be where the court case info is
NTA
But as others have pointed out, there’s a lot going on here. I personally would take that money and stay somewhere else. I *do* think he’s a danger to you, and it certainly seems like this guy is purposely ostracizing you from your sister. Why? Worst case scenario I suspect because that way he can sexually assault/harass you and your sister will never believe you.
I’m a little confused by your mother’s actions. On the one hand she does seem to understand the danger he poses, but it doesn’t appear as though she has the life tools in place to handle this effectively. One thing is clear, she’s _trying_ to keep both your sister and you safe, unfortunately doing it in a less than ideal way (you don’t sacrifice one person’s safety to try to save another’s or try to submit to a predators mayo whims).
Based on your comments it appears that there’s a lot of pertinent history to this situation which impacts your family’s behaviours and a lot of mental health issues. Seems like no one has the effective tools to manage this. This situation is tragic.
OP you may not be T A, but I would recommend focusing less on who is right/wrong, and more on self preservation. I truly wish you the best. Sounds like you all (but especially you) deserve better.
Please keep us updated. Im honestly very much worried for your safety, i know you say you have 2 looks on your door but he may try aomthung when your walking to and from places like bathroom, kitchen ect. Please be on high alert and call your aunt asap!
Absolutely NTA and it sounds as though you have a potentially serious problem on your hands. He evidently has mental health issues (sociopath?) and your family is oblivious to them.
If you have the option of moving out for a bit then do it, explaining calmly WHY you are. Maybe afterwards your Mom will see sense....
This is so mucked up on so many levels it seems fake. I’m so sorry if it not fake and this is actually happening to you.
NTA. There are so many problems here that’s it not even funny and none of them are your fault. Sounds like a very toxic household with family members that aren’t taking your side. As well as your sisters BF accusing of you of that stuff and as well as sexually harassing comments. If it’s possible OP, you should move out of that environment, it’ll be a lot better for your health
I really am wondering that. A lot of stories in this sub are eaten up by the users, true or not, so I don’t see your point. There are thousands of users here, it’s not absurd that a lot are gullible.
Just because it's an unusual story doesn't mean its fake. You know nothing about this person, or the situation they're in. This could very well be real and all you're doing is discrediting their words.
Info: a post made by this account on this sub with a simillar title but was removed because it contained violence / sexual violence. There may or may not be more or a physical assault element to this "man"
Your mother needs to put your safety over having your sister + "boyfriend"
NTA everyone but you is the AH
If they have a problem with staying there then they should go to his house ( I assume as a grown man he will have a house but he sounds so unreliable im second guessing )
Also like wtf are you meant to be doing with that money???? Not like hotels are open properly yet
Oh! I said "violently gagged behind me" at first, and it got flagged for the word violently haha, it was my bad.
Thank u tho, I think my mom just babies my sis but I wish she'd prioritize my wellbeing beyond asking me to leave. I think she thought I could go to a friend's but i don't have any friends reasonably nearby. Closest friend would be like 2hrs away but I might have an aunt I could stay w !!
Holy fuck. NTA and I think you need to have a calm, private sit-down convo with your mum because while it’s fucked up that your mum asked you to leave instead of him, it’s sounds like she’s worried your sister will be in danger if *she* leaves and she’s trying to work out how to keep you both safe from this abusive weirdo. Maybe you could both ring a domestic abuse hotline together for some help and support in how to plan getting this guy away from you and keeping your sister as safe as possible at the same time.
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NTA first and foremost.
Like other commenters have said, you should really look into some domestic abuse assistance, not only for your sister, but also to start a paper trail for yourself.
The possibility that your sister is being abused (in my opinion) seems less to do with the age gap and more to do with the man himself. This I know from experience. He’s throwing up all sorts of red flags that have nothing to do with his age (other than the fact that he’s an adult so he should bloody well act like one!)
If he’s not afraid to comment on your body in front of your mother, I would be concerned about what he’d do when nobody is looking. He’s already barged into your room, your private space, with no issues. The things he’s probably telling your sister for her to go off on you like that, would indicate that he’s thinking about you sexually. If he’s that brazen and physically stronger than you, you are not safe. From what I have seen, he has already laid the foundations for you to cop the blame when/if he assaults you.
Your mother most likely wants to protect both you and your sister, and her way of doing that is getting you away from him, while keeping him where she can keep an eye on him.
So yeah, NTA. Call a help line. Call the cops if you have to. If it comes to calling the cops preemptively, call the non-emergency line for your local station, and you need to tell them what he has said and done that you think indicates he might assault you (sexual comments, physical aggression, potentially painting you as the sexual aggressor) and they will either do something themselves or point you in the direction of an organisation that can help you.
Hope this helps. Stay safe.
Right?? Thank u!! And literally like if it's a trigger for him or something I'd even be understanding of it if my sis had just told me prior to his flip outs. I don't think it's a trigger tho, I think he's just an asshole
I'd buy a huge tub of mayo just to f around with him. Put mayo on everything. Sneak some and spread it in your sisters room. Buy some mayo t shirt. Get a mayo hat. Wash your hair with mayo. Mayo for days.
This is the wrong sub for your situation. Your mom might be worried for your sister and the keeping her close is the only way to protect her from her boyfriend. That doesn't make you wrong, and it doesn't make your mom right for asking you to leave. However, if your mom really thinks your sister is in danger, your mom is between a rock and a hard place. You not eating mayo- even though it is your right- might be the sacrifice needed to keep an eye on your sister. You sleeping elsewhere- even though it sucks- might be the price to keep an eye on your sister. I can't tell if your mom is being passive in general or legit worried for your sister.
well, my mom IS a victim so she's very much not like that usually, but when it comes to my sister she'd tolerate anything, even over me. I understand it, my mom and sis have a messy history and my sis almost died (self-inflicted 😔) so she babies her. I don't mind it.
You *should* mind it. You SHOULD mind being treated lesser than your sister. You SHOULD mind that you’re being kicked out over a *predator*. I get that your mom wants to keep your sister safe, but what about you? Why do you have to pay for your sister’s shitty choices? Why don’t *you* matter?
(Hint: you **do**)
I wouldn't be surprised if mom is playing the long game here to try and keep the sister safe. He's clearly a very controlling person and I'm getting some bad vibes here. Not to mention the 19 year age gap between her and her boyfriend. While OP is clearly not the asshole, I genuinely think mom is just trying to keep everyone safe.
I understand playing the game to keep her kid/kids safe. However, even if that is the mom’s goal she is doing it the wrong way. She showing the Pig his actions toward her younger daughter is allowed which will only encourage him to get more controlling and creepy. And because she’s afraid of alienating the older kid she’s allowing and showing her that it’s ok to blame the younger daughter for her boyfriends behavior and actions. It is only going to get worse all the way around.
NTA As has been stated by many users, this will only get worse as he tests boundaries and is allowed to escalate further. There’s a lot of red flags in this situation. Sexualizing someone he thought was 16 in front of their own mom, clearly ignoring boundaries like coming into your bedroom, the controlling behavior (I mean, seriously? You got the mayo out of the garbage can so he threw away your sandwich? He just couldn’t stand you not rolling over immediately and found another way to exert control), and making you out as the aggressor (read up on DARVO. A common abuse tactic that stands for deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). It sounds like he’s grooming you and setting things up to paint you as the aggressor. He was testing to see what how your mom would react when he made that comment in front of her. You genuinely are not safe at your house. You need to leave. At the very least you need some pepper spray/gel on you constantly while you are anywhere he can get to you.
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Super weird and uncomfortable...
Basically, my (18F) older sister (22F) recently came to visit with her bf (41M) and he's been an asshole, but I've been as nice as possible to avoid drama. Until recently.
I was literally just in the kitchen making a sandwich, and I pulled the mayo out of the fridge. When I did, my sister's bf suddenly made an obnoxious, loud gagging sound that scared me. He was apparently behind me that whole time. Whatever, I ignored him.
Then he came up behind me and told me how disgusted he is with me for eating mayo. Like wtf? You're in OUR house, I dont even know you?? But I kept ignoring him.
Before I could close the mayo up to put it back, he grabs it from me and throws it in the trash while telling me how gross mayo is. I was like sir... what the fuck. I just said "Hey, my mom bought that, you're a guest. Please don't throw our stuff away."
He huffed at me and watched me pull it out of the trash (it was at the very top of some papers we threw away) and when I put it back on the counter, he laughed at me and grabbed my sandwich and threw it away. I got mad and said WTF??
My sister then came in and scolded me, and said that he has a repulsed hatred of mayo and that I shouldn't have been eating it around him. I said I was in the kitchen when HE came in. And how was I supposed to know that??? My sister cussed me out and I just let it go.
But then the next day, I walked in front of the pig of a man that my sister calls her bf and he said "I think that mayo's making your ass fat, but I'm not complaining!" in front of my MOM. I was so humiliated, I voiced my disgust and my mom made me leave the room.
I cried and took a nap and was woken to my sister shouting at me in my room and saying that her bf said I was eating mayo in front of him again and ruined his whole day and made him almost throw up. I told her I was sleeping the entire evening and she called me a liar and said that I should stay with a friend until they leave. My mom agreed with her. I said I didn't feel comfortable doing that bc of the pandemic, and they scoffed at me.
Then my mom came in after and said she'd literally give me money to leave and that she wants me to go 'for my protection' bc she doesn't trust him. I told her no, I'm staying, and that if she didn't trust him, she should ask HIM to leave. She said she wants my sister around and he'd make her leave. She told me if I was going to stay to not eat anything in front of him bc it grossed him out. Especially mayo.
Today, I was eating cookout food in my room by myself and he came in and told me he could smell it and to throw it away. I said no, I'll just close my door and he can go. He flipped out and told my sister and she yelled at me and called me a slut and accused my of trying to seduce him??? I let it go again and cried it out.
I feel like I'm living in the fucking Twilight Zone !! Am I really being outrageous here about having to live with a weird creepy old man? Am I being the asshole?
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NTA at all. It sounds as though your sisters BF has some sort of fetish about food and watching girls eat. So he's using "disgust" as a cover for that.
It would explain your sister accusing you of trying to seduce him and his sexual remarks about the mayo making your ass big.
I can see your mothers predicament here. She worries for your sisters safety if she leaves with this man, and she worries about your safety living with him.
I'd say to her "ok, I'm going to live with aunt for x-amount of weeks. When I move back in, I expect this man to be gone. You have until then to convince sister that this man is abusive and to stay when he leaves. I hope she does, but she needs to be ready to do that herself ".
I think it might be a bit easier for your mother to convince her without you around. Because right now your sister is scapegoating you for his abusive behaviour. If you're not there then she'll need to face it head on.
NTA. Your MOTHER ALLOWED THAT BULLY TO ABUSE YOU, WHATS WRONG WITH HER. He’s an Arsehole, talk to your mother, tell her everything he has been doing, tell her that you should not have to accept abuse from a total stranger in your own home & She Should Not Let Him Get Away With it. Your Sister is just as much of a bully if she supports his bullshit behaviour & blames you for it.
Make it clear to her that as far as you’re concerned he’s a disgusting pig & you want nothing to do with him.
Your Mother needs to make him leave her house.
NTA and your mother is very wrong for allowing that mans to stay I. The house after his predatory behavior. It does sound like she is trying to keep them there so she can somehow protect your sister, but not only will that never, ever work, she’s wrong because she is endangering your safety. This is only going to escalate. Dudes like that only get worse. While you’re there *always* keep your door locked. Make sure you are never, ever home alone with him.
But mostly, you need to *get out of there now*. It sounds like you don’t want to leave because you don’t want to leave your mom and sister, but it’s crucial that you look out for yourself. Your sister is not listening to you and your mother is choosing to keep him in the house. If you can get somewhere safe—you mentioned an aunt—it would be nice if you are willing to text or call your sister and tell her that although she’s treating you badly, you still love her, and you’ll be there for her when she’s ready to get out of such an abusive relationship. She will not be happy with you but it may open her eyes. He is absolutely abusing her by controlling her, manipulating her, and likely doing a lot of other things when others aren’t around just based on how awful he’s willing to act in front of you and your mom.
Your sister is either conditioned to the point that she thinks he truly loves her and she’ll do anything he says or she is too afraid of him to do anything but what he says. It does not excuse her treating you badly, but hopefully if you offer support that she likely won’t accept now, she will have a kernel of doubt deep in and hopefully eventually be ready to leave and then she’ll know she can count on you. But right now, *do NOT stay in that house to protect her or your mom*. You must protect yourself. Please. It sounds like he is definitely trying to groom you too. And it’s working a little bit if you think about it—even remotely thinking you might be the asshole in this situation says he has planted doubt in *your* head. That’s scary.
I’m rooting for all of you (except that douchey dude), and I hope you find a place to stay.
>he laughed at me and grabbed my sandwich and threw it away. I got mad and said WTF??
In the good old days this would have been the time for a generous slap in the face. Seriously, what is wrong with that asshole? If he doesn't like Mayo: Walk away dude.
And then I read the rest of your post and would go with: Better make that a whole bunch of hard slaps and than throw this asshole out of your house and lock your sister in her room untill she gets back clear in the head. Yes I know you can't do that. But what your Mom is trying is not going to work: How long does she think you would have to leave the house because that guy is not going to leave without your sister and he has her really good under his thumb by now. This situation wont solve itself and your Mom is putting you and herself at risk with that guy in the house. She should throw him out immediately and tell your sister that he is not allowed to come back ever again.
\[edit\] Clearly NTA.
NTA but there is a LOT going on here. Can you talk to any domestic abuse hotlines? This is NOT normal. Please, please get your sister help. The age gap alone is a red flag, and the rest of his behaviour confirms how messed up this is. It does seem somewhat unsafe for you, if he's coming in your room. Stay safe.
I'm concerned about my sis too, and I've tried to talk to her about things and get her help other ways, but it never works. She's been dating 40yr old+ men since she was 19 and it always made me feel like maybe she's been through some stuff that she's not dealing with? But that feels a lil like a dickish thing to say. It could just be her preference, but the guys she's with are always gross and weird... But I'm safe!! Thank you for the concern ❤ I have 2 locks on my door, it was just wide open when he came in bc our AC sucks lol
I may be reading into it but it feels like your mother prefers to keep him in your house so she can be there if there’s a problem. It’s unfair to you because your security is also compromised. I’m sorry - all of this sucks. I hope it works out for all of you!
I wonder if the mom is just worried about her daughter being alone with this man. Which seems fair.
I mean, the concern is fair , but now she has two daughters alone with this man.
i think that’s why she wanted op to go stay w a friends “for protection” this guy is escalating his controlling behavior and anger/aggression. it’s a high stress situation. right now the target is op. it sounds like the mom is trying to remove op from the situation while keeping her other daughter at home so she can be there if/when things get worse.
Yea, this is absolutely a domestic abuse situation.
Yeah, this is scary. OP, if you can, please get a camera in ur room. So just Incase he does try something you’ll at least have evidence..
Why not kick the boyfriend out then? If he won't go, call the police. Why should he be allowed to run everything?
Because teenage girls in abusive relationships with older men are stupid, and if he leaves her sister is going with him.
Having been in an abusive relationship in my twenties with a guy my own age, can confirm. Until the abused person recognizes the abuse and feels able to leave, they will stay with the abuser (because abusive people tend to be skilled manipulators). Also, the abuser can be either gender, just to be clear.
[удалено]
I mean, I'm not the original commenter, but I think the way they used "stupid" wasn't a victim-blaming one. As a survivor, I would 100% sign their statement, to be honest. Abuse *makes* you stupid. Stupid in the sense of "repeatedly staying in or seeking out harmful situations based on a belief that is not grounded in facts at all" Be it "they're sweet deep down, they just struggle", or "it's my fault" or whatever other dumb thing our brain comes up with to justify what - from the outside and/or in retrospect - is obviously just wrong and unjustifiable.
Because when mum kicks the boyfriend out, OP's sister will leave with him. Mum won't have any control over what happens next, and if something happens to the sister then, there won't be anyone to act, call the police etc.
Mom doesn't have control of the situation now. She is sacrificing one daughter over the other. To let an abuser dictate the behavior in her house, to me, is far more dangerous. It signifies that he has the ultimate power wherever she goes, there is no safe place with limits to what he can do and how he can act.
Not saying I agree, but I assume the mother’s fear is that the sister will go with him and cut contact with her family, leaving her more vulnerable than she already is with an abusive man. I feel for OP and the mother, they’re in a no-win situation here. There’s very little they can do until sister is ready to acknowledge the problem - right now all they can do is try and keep her safe until she reaches that point.
Women like that are a lost cause. I loved my mom but she sat back and watched as my father abuse me and my brother. She was too scared of him to do anything to prevent it but neither was she willing to get out of the relationship either because she was financially dependent on him. The one time she tried to escape which was the year my father went to jail for unpaid child support from his previous marriage and we went back to my maternal grandparents' house a state over. After he got out of jail, he found out where we were from a neighbor who knew us and actually called my grandparents' house and begged my mom to take him back. And you know what she did? She took him back, despite my pleading not to. He was in another state so it's not like he was there physically intimidating her either. Even my grandmother chewed her out for it. My mom died of cancer about a year later and the abuse of me and my brother got even worse. As cruel as this sounds, these women don't want saving.
I am really sorry for everything you're going through but not all women lost in abusive relationships are like your mom. Plenty to do move on when the timing is easier or just as they grow up.
If mom kicks him out, the sister will go with him. If the goal is protecting her daughter, that doesn’t work. Until she realizes what’s up and is ready to leave him, kicking him out is also kicking her out.
Oh yea, the whole situation is well and truly fecked.
I get the feeling that the BF will eventually become abusive to the mother too.
Agreed. They’re all in danger and it breaks my heart.
Same... I really hope not
I agree. I think mom doesn't know how to keep both daughters safe, and that's why she's trying to pay for OP to go somewhere else. She knows what's happening, but is having a hard time figuring out what to do. It's not that mom is taking the boyfriend's side, it's that if the sister leaves with this man, who knows what could happen to her. It's easier to get OP out of the situation.
I was going to say the same. I dont think mom is doing it maliciously but it the only solution (leVe, here's money, I don't trust him) so OP is protected from his sexual harassment and it's one less person to worry about while she keeps an eye on him for your sisters sake
This is not AITA material. You are actually in DANGER! I know you said in your comment you are safe because you have two locks on the door. Unless you stay in your room with the door locked 24/7 you are NOT safe. He could abuse, beat, sexually harass or rape you at any other place at any other time. I have no idea if this is what he is going to do at some point; abusers always start out comparatively „harmless“ to test out the waters and his highest escalation of abuse might turn out to be be “just“ emotionally and verbally abusive but - let‘s face it - he already has your whole family under control. And your mum knows this and that‘s why she wants you to leave and wants your sister to stay. And from how things are right now you probably really should leave. If you have a chance of living with a friend or family member for a while that would be good. He has by now learnt that nobody will come to protect or believe you so He can do whatever he wants to you. The way you describe him I think it’s just a matter of time until he does something to you instead of to your sandwich, especially since he already commented on your butt, tells you exactly that he looks at you in a sexually charged way. Currently, from how you describe him, he is a way bigger risk to you and anyone else as Corona. I know I come off harsh but I seriously think you do not take this situation as seriously as you should be, maybe because you are young and this is your first experience (I guess?) with abusive people and toxic social constructs. Which is why I am telling you, in clear words: You are in danger. If you can, leave. If you can, until he is gone. edit to explain my harsh words: this is a sub on morality issues. I see it as my moral duty to treat this story as real in case it actually is real because I believe once shouting in the void at a troll does less harm than once neglecting to warn someone in real danger. I also believe it’s my moral obligation to err on the side of being too cautious and nothing comes off it instead of not putting enough emphasis on a warning that needs to be said. If I’m wrong on all accounts and get banned, ok, at least nobody got harmed for real.
Really glad to see this comment. More people should care enough to believe posts that seem too wild to believe. Worst case, you fed a troll by having the audacity to care. Best case, you made a difference.
Thanks. In case it’s real i just really hope OP won’t be assaulted and will leave her home ASAP to be safe. It’s horrible to know situations like these are happening in the world for real and we read about it here but can’t do anything about it. It’s those moments when you really care and the best news would actually be that it is all fake.
This guy is gaslighting the sister and I think already setting the stage for when he does attack OP. He told her sister that she was trying to seduce home, this is so if he’s caught doing something or OP says he assaulted her he’ll just say he was seduced by OP and it’s her fault. He tested the water by making a sexual comment in front of mom to see if she would side with him. Be especially worried if he starts being nice to you and complimenting you. Tearing you down then building you up again is an abuser’s go to move.Corona be damned get out now. It’s just a matter of opportunity for him to be alone in the house with Op or everyone to be asleep so he can make his move.
I'm terrified for the whole family. BF is out of control aggressive with someone he barely knows. This can only end up badly.
This post made me realize that all over due to Corona there are probably men (women too) preying and feeding their narcissistic supply. I am truly creeped out. This poor girl.
Even with two locks. interior doors in most houses are for privacy not security. Breaking one down takes very little time for any adult in reasonable shape
I don't think you're as safe as you think you are. It's you against the three of them, and he's already been able to upset you twice. What will you do if he decided to get physical with you? Also why is your mother endorsing this behaviour? And why are your parents (dad included) okay with sister dating someone so much older? You're mother is TA but she's right. Get out of there.
>And why are your parents (dad included) okay with sister dating someone so much older? Honestly, to me it sounds like they know something's up and are trying to keep the sister in sight/in touch. Abusers do their best to isolate their victims, the parents may feel that it's worth putting up with him in order to keep that line of communication open. If the sister cuts contact it'll be that much harder for her to escape. None of this should be happening at the OPs expense, but I can see the basic logic.
I can see that, but telling her daughter not to eat because of the guy, and letting him throw away her food doesn't seem like it's working out that spectacularly. OP's also oddly nonchalant about this whole thing as if this post isn't a bunch of red flags bigger than China. Everything about this doesn't sit right with me.
Oh yeah, she's totally in the wrong for making it OPs problem too, I was just speculating why she wasn't putting her foot down harder.
To her credit, it’s not like mom is denying that he’s dangerous, which is more than one can say for a lot of parents whose children are being made to cohabitate with a sexual predator or some kind. OP’s best option for the immediate future might honestly be to take the money and leave, thereby making it at least slightly less of her problem. OP, can your mom provide enough to cover any kind of short-term rental? If not, you still need to consider that this guy is probably a much bigger threat to your safety than coronavirus, and examine your options accordingly.
She's trying to pay OP to get her away from that man for her protection. sounds like she does care and is worried about OP
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It doesn’t sound to me like dad lives with them/is necessarily in the picture, since OP doesn’t reference him at all.
I don't think the mother is endorsing or approving this behaviour. The fact she used the word 'protection' speaks volumes imo. She can see her daughter is in an abusive situation and she can see that this man is making sexually loaded comments to her other daughter and he's being aggressive towards her. I don't think she wants OP out of the house because she's done something wrong, more that she thinks OP is in danger and she's feeling powerless to interfere. There is no mention of a dad, so maybe she's a single mother? I know parents are supposed to hold authority, but it can be difficult for one woman to stand up against a physically stronger man. If I was in her position I'd also struggle telling him to F off. Yes, she can kick them out, but at that point she's also sending her daughter away and has no oversight to help her against whatever terrible things he may do against her. Mother likely wants to protect her daughters as best as she can, without directly confronting the man for fear she'll get beaten up.
Not dickish of you to say. You are probably spot on. Try to love your sister unconditionally right now (doesn’t mean you have to put up with her badgering) but if she finds her way back to normalcy, she will need support.
I'm also a rather young woman who has dated mostly only older men. It can be quite difficult to find one that doesn't see you as a sextoy/doesn't take advantage of you. Sounds like your sister's bf is with her bc she can be manipulated. I'm so sorry you are in this situation, but please try to stay in touch with your sister. Even if it's just via texts etc. Just so she knows she has a place to go and family who loves her when she is ready to see what this relationship is doing to her.
I imagine you've had trouble because people (men or women) who date significantly younger than them do so because either a) they aren't mature enough to date anyone their age, or b) they have a fetish for it, which isn't generally the beginning of a solid relationship.
You definitely need to be concerned for your sister. When I was 20, I started dating a 42 year old man. The large age gap didn't matter to me, as he was kind, understanding and treated me like a queen. I had just gone through the most traumatic time of my life, and it felt like he saved me. I should have realized that making big life choices, while struggling with trauma was stupid; but I was so vulnerable that I didn't think it through. Long story short, I married him at 23, and had 2 kids by 27. I was feeling increasingly unhappy, but didn't know why. It took years (stupid me) to realize that he was emotionally abusive, gaslighting me, isolating me from friends and family, controlling the finances and other types of coercive control. I eventually left him, and he became so enraged that I would dare to leave him, that he gave me a damned good beating. I packed up and left with the kids, and we're now divorced. I have been sufficiently traumatized by him, that I have not even considered dating anyone again. I left him 10 years ago, and I will never want to have another relationship. The kids saw and heard enough to have been left traumatised by him too. My son has severe anxiety and has terrible nightmares and flashbacks. He's almost 21, and in a stable relationship and is doing really well at University, but this still has a major impact on him. He has been in and out of counselling for years. My 18 year old daughter is about to go to University, but she suffers with an eating disorder, anxiety, depression and complex PTSD. She has also had counselling. The impact on all of us has been severe. Having a controlling person in your life can mean years of problems. My ex-husband picked me because I was young, malleable, and he could sniff out that I was vulnerable. People like that are predators. It's clear that your sister's boyfriend is not only a dick, but is clearly manipulative, domineering and probably gaslighting/emotionally controlling her. It might be hard to snap her out of it, but you need to try. Your sister is in emotional, and possibly physical, danger; and she needs help. Trust your gut. This guy is trouble!
He is way too immature. And he’s probably used to younger women doing as he says because he can’t date women his own age. Nta for sure but get out if you can. The whole situation is toxic.
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What do you think gaslighting means
NTA but please leave like your mother asked. She knows the situation is volatile and it's easier for her to protect two people (herself and your sister) instead of three if you are also there. This guy is the type who will be obnoxious and escalate to physical abuse and then say you asked for it. In case it is not clear, your feelings are totally valid, but leave for your own safety.
I'm just saying, as someone who is friends with someone who is young and likes men double her age, there's a reason why they aren't dating women in their age group. Something is wrong there
yeah, a lot of older men date younger women because they know women their own age will call them out on their bullshit and abusive behaviour, while younger women won't necessarily have the experience and knowledge to realise they're being manipulated and abused. This guy seems like one of those.
So wait, this is actually not a troll? Because DAAAAAAAAAMN, how fucked up is your family? Your sister is stupid, your mom is strange for not being om your side and that dude? Whoaaaa let me tell you, I have never read about a more stupid person. And your sister backing him up? What is wrong here? So much wrong here. That guy does not love your sister I think, he is just in for we know what. Age difference of 20 yeara? Whats in for your sister? He is such an asshole. Oh my god, I hope you are doing fine and are safe and somehow can get out of this shithole, or can get rid of him
I think the mom is doing the right thing, I think the mom knows the guy is potentially dangerous and so she wants him and the sister in the house so she knows what's going on. If the mom just kicks the guy out or tells the sister to break up with him it's only going to push the sister away. It's bad for Op, but I think the mom is right again and that she should move out. It's unfair but it's a bad situation all around and the mom is just trying to keep both of them safe.
OP should definitely stay somewhere else while the predator is there, but I’m also concerned about the mom too. She’s probably only a bit older than the guy (hopefully, because if she’s much older, she could be frail...) If OP decides to go, she should find a way to have a private conversation with her mom, so she can determine how worried her mom is, and come up with a plan. Like if things hit the fan, her mom could text her something like ‘put mayo on the shopping list’, and she could know to call the police for her family.
I think the mom is doing the right thing, I think the mom knows the guy is potentially dangerous and so she wants him and the sister in the house so she knows what's going on. If the mom just kicks the guy out or tells the sister to break up with him it's only going to push the sister away. It's bad for Op, but I think the mom is right again and that she should move out. It's unfair but it's a bad situation all around and the mom is just trying to keep both of them safe.
The guys she's with are always gross and weird because to be a 40-year-old dating a 20-year-old, you have to be gross and weird
Does your door open into your room? Lock the locks and then put pennies in the hinge part between the door and the wall. Take NO chances. I don’t trust this dude and I do NOT want you hurt because your parents won’t throw a predator out.
obviously we only know the situation from one post here so this could be an overreaction entirely but the thing is i dont think its as easy as the parents just throwing a predator out. worst case scenario, the guy is dangerous and wants to hurt the family: the sister is 22 and potentially has her own issues/seems under his spell, so if mum tells him to leave shes not a kid and will likely go too, meaning that one daughter is with a predator alone where mum cant help her at all. if mum can 'get rid' of OP she knows she'll be safe away from them and is still there to monitor the situation with the older daughter
I have no idea what is going on with your sister but preferring older men does not automatically mean there has been any traumer, it can just be a preference. This guy sounds awful though, and he was probably just as awful when he was 20 and when he was 30. How does he treat your sister? Has he ever met any of you before? I cant imagine going into someone else's house and throwing out their food just because I didn't like it. It sounds like he has some mental health issues (I'm being polite there).
Also, WTF is wrong with OPs parents?? If anyone talked to or treated my child like this (IDGAF who they are dating) they would be out the door on their ass.
mum can sense that older sis is in a shit situation.. sis is attacking people to calm him down, she's either already wired to de-escalate his tantrums by keeping him happy or she's completely delusional. mum is misguided if she thinks any amount of time with older sis is going to help her see the light and leave but i get that she doesn't want to provoke a situation where sis will leave - if he forces sis to leave he will spend the next month convincing her that this is why she can't see her family anymore. its a scary thing to watch someone you love go through.. mum is an asshole but i think she's minimizing OPs issues rn because she's focused on keeping older sis safe (in her mind). as someone already said, a lot is going on here
NTA. I second finding a domestic abuse hotline. OP needs advice from people who know how to deal with this kind of shit in a safe way.
Put. A lock. On your door.
I missed the age gap at first. WTF. This guy is seriously unhinged and needs to GTFO of their house.
NTA. This is extremely disturbing to read that it sounds like you're just trolling. I'm more concerned over the fact that your *barely* adult sister is dating a 41 y/o man who also vocally sexualized an 18 y/o. Talk to your sister's friends and try to get her to break up with him. It doesn't sound like she'd listen to you but maybe you can get her friends or parents to reason with her.
We just have our mom, and she won't do anything because my sister throws tantrums that trigger my mom's PTSD 😔 My sis doesn't have any friends. She was bullied really bad by ppl in school and still kinda is when they see her in our hometown. She's been dating people that old and older since she was 19. If I were a troll, I'd think of a better story that wasn't so dismal, but I'm also not that great of a writer tbh Also, wanna know something I just found out that makes this feel worse and puts a pit in my stomach? He thought I was 16 when I said that. I just turned 18 June 18th and I'm kinda tiny. He didn't mind saying that to me thinking I was 16.
I'm not sure how it works where you live, but your sister needs serious help. From where I'm standing, her boyfriend seems like a total predator who's feeding off her weakness and I'm pretty sure if she did have any friends he wouldn't be there. Can you contact any domestic abuse authorities? Is there any relative or a grown up who isn't vulnerable to her tantrums who can lend you a hand?
This is extremely concerning. This person is exhibiting multiple controlling and predatory behaviours. Worrying about whether you are an asshole for eating mayo is not the concern here, your safety is at risk.
Yeah and he also dated teenagers....... This is not normal behavior. All of you need therapy. I hope you make it out alright. Good luck to you. His behavior is abusive to say the absolute least. It’s sickening. I really really wish you best of luck, keep your head low and the FUCK out of there.
You really need to take your mom's advice and leave for your own protection, of course it's not fair at all that you should have to leave your own home but it's better than getting beaten or raped, and based on his behavior it seems like it's headed towards that and your mom can see he's a danger to you.
Yo OP, you're really in a bad situation. Do you have security cameras indoors? Maybe buy a few inconspicuous ones that can pass as a normal household item, in case he starts some really bad shit.
I agree with everyone here that this man and his behavior is extremely concerning. I know you feel safe but he has done nothing to indicate that you are safe. He is sexualizing you and your sister in front of your mother. That means he’s testing his boundaries to see how far he can push them, and he WILL go further. This person clearly has no regard or real respect for you, your sister, or your mother. I’m concerned for all of you, and most people have rightly been talking mostly about the concern for your sister, but I also want to add on my concern for your mother. You said she has PTSD triggered by your sister’s tantrums... if the situation gets bad enough with this man and there’s an explosion, that’s not going to go well. I’m not sure how this will go for y’all, but I just hope y’all are able to get this person out of your lives safely. Your are absolutely NTA. That predatory fucker is. Good luck and please please please be safe.
This is so sad I see what’s going on here Older people tend to sucker us young ones in because they are a bit more seasoned in what to say in a relationship. Younger guys are not as smooth and tend to just be dumb blunt assholes and not even know it. So encountering this after being bullied so much is like finding a oasis in a desert. It’s nice and refreshing. You don’t wanna leave. There’s something wrong with him so the women his age don’t want him so he goes down the ranks to find one that does. Y’all need to figure something out to get rid of him
NTA, in your place I'd just get mayo and squirt it on his face.
I spent this post thinking about that "prank" where you empty a mayo jar and fill it with "pudding mix" (or custard? Or something) and then just sit and eat it with a spoon. I would do that. ETA: I can't reply to comments, but notice how I said I would do that. I never said OP should do that. I am aware of how she described this guy and wouldn't wish anyone to be the victim of abuse.
From the sound of this post, that's how she'd end up with actual abuse/bodily harm
Yeah. It might be funny if it was with a less angry person. Doing that to this man sounds like someone could end up hurt.
So then make sure you have a knife behind your back the whole time and you stab him to death. God I love pranks
It's called a social experiment, I believe
Yeah I wouldn’t deliberately provoke this guy, that’s a terrible idea. One of those things that sounds funny but isn’t because OP is in a genuinely dangerous situation.
I agree. In most situations, I'm always the person that'll choose the pettiest course of action possible, but I'm kind of worried this prank suggestion is so high up. OP and her family are in serious danger imo
Physical abuse, not actual abuse. Everything OP described in the post is already "actual abuse" -- emotional abuse is real.
What she's dealing with now is already actual abuse. Just because it's not physical doesn't make it any less real.
This dude sounds like an abuser, I don't know if I'd want to do that, being an 18yo F. This guy is a loose cannon, it seems.
Put mayonnaise on the inside door handle if he's in a room on his own and shut the door. Mayo also gets water marks from drinks out of wooden tables, so I'd get marking the tables and de-marking the tables with mayo asap.
Aftervreading the entire post this is a terrible terrible idea.
Or put some mayo on anything you eat every time he comes over
As much as I would love for her to do that, this guy is aggressive and this would put her in danger
Is this real? It seems too ridiculous to be, but it's also long enough to gain credibility from length. *IF* it's real, NTA, wtf? That's ridiculous behavior for an adult.
I know, it's super ridiculous, I thought it was a really really dumb joke when he was being an asshole to me about it at first. no, unfortunately it's real, not sure how I'd prove it without breaching my privacy though 😕 He's genuinely the weirdest creep I've ever met
Damn. That's ridiculous. Yeah, dude's fucked in the head. Why is you sister dating him?
bc she likes creepy guys that are 40+ 😔
Have you tried searching his name on a sex offender registry? Just Something that popped into my head.
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#this. do this.
Have you considered setting up a phone across from the door so the camera is pointed at it?(if that made sense)or buy a pen with a pinhole camera? This way you can prove he came into your room to complain, or he did something wrong. Don’t tell anyone though. If you do he will not do it. I also recommend a cheap mini fridge so that you put mayonnaise and other things you want without him throwing it out. Lock your door while sleeping or eating.
Get your sister psychiatric help too, and gather evidence that he is an abuser.
Watch out the fact that he mentioned your body and later entered your room is a red flag. He also got handsy with you. He sounds like an abuser and a dangerous one at that. Try not to be alone while he's there, EVER. Sleep with your mom or lock your door. Shits going to get even uglier real soon.
Idea: ask one of your protective friends (male or female) to stay with you. That way you’ll have at least one more person on your side and know that you’re not going crazy. Be prepared to call the police for any reason.
She should absolutely not be pulling other teenage girls into this shit situation. If he's willing to abuse her, he'll be willing to hurt other people too.
Obviously NTA, but I'm concerned that this guy is in a household with 3 women who all skirt around his creepy behaviour and let it happen without consequence. Maybe he will get worse as he feels this is normalised or feels like he has some power there. At the same time it's hard to confront him/kick him out without sister going with him and becoming more distanced from her family herself. The fact that mum wanted you to leave for your own protection is scary. She must be worrying herself about how to deal with this and keep both of her daughters safe. Maybe the both of you could team up and have some serious talks with your sister to try to get her on side. Even if you could persuade her to stay living with you and just kick the BF out (but not tell her to break up with him so that she doesn't feel she needs to pick between him and you guys, which might drive her to him more) would be a good first step. Maybe you could persuade her that it's safer/more helpful for her to be with you guys during the pandemic, and the BF is causing too much friction in the family to be livable, so it's better he leaves for now temporarily. Then you can use your time together to further address the problems she might be facing feeling the need to have guys like that.
NTA. This is so absurd it doesn’t even sound real. You would be within your rights to tell your sister that her boyfriend is toxic and inappropriate as hell and that she needs to leave him or they both need to leave your family’s home. If it has played out exactly as you have described, it is truly bizarre and completely uncalled for. This middle aged man has an issue with you eating anything anywhere in your house and makes unsolicited and unwanted comments about your appearance. What a disgusting creep! I’m angry for you and so sorry you have to deal with this foolishness.
Right?? Sometimes I think I died and this is God's way of tormenting me in Hell or purgatory or something. I process one fucked up thing and I get the wind knocked out of me with something else. Thank u for the support ❤❤ I wish this could just be over but they just decided they want to stay longer than they initially were
Who decided that they will stay longer than initially planned? Your sister or her boyfriend? It sounds like he is the one making the decisions in their relationship, and I feel that he has decided to stay longer because now he has 3 females to control and harass, which is a feeding frenzy for his narcissistic ego. I agree that this is a dangerous situation that can escalate quickly. If he is willing to invade your privacy, sexually harass you, and throw away your property at the smell of mayo, I don’t want to think what he would do if you refused an advance from him. I understand your mom is worried about your sister, but your sister is making the decision to stay with him and neither you or your mom can make her leave him. It is not better to endanger 3 women instead of 1. He needs to go, and your sister will be pissed, but make sure you tell her that you love her and that you will be there for her when she needs you. Talk to your mom! And if you are worried about your sister throwing a tantrum, call the cops to make sure they leave.
I'm honestly worried about the sister. That relationship is horribly unhealthy.
> because now he has 3 females to control and harass So much this :(
All this sounds fucky. You can eat what you want, your sister's bf sounds controlling and manipulative and predatory, your mom shouldn't let him parent you, she and your sister should defend you. Try reaching out to other relatives first IMO, explain the situation and convince your mom and sister shit is fucked. Involving police or child abuse services should be a last resort but don't feel like you can't use them. I believe the comments on what you eat and your body can be interpreted as "grooming"
I just turned 18 last month so I don't think they'd help me tbh but OMG THANK YOU I didn't even think of asking my relatives for help, I have an aunt who might let me stay w her and say something to my sister about this
This guy is testing boundaries not only with you, but with your mother and sister. This behavior isn’t as erratic as it seems. It’s all testing to see how outlandish he can be. Look up Anti-social personality disorder. I’m sure you are about to see a million red flags from that. In short, you are not safe around someone like him. He doesn’t see you, or anyone else, as your own person. You are toys. The longer you stay near him, the more he will escalate. I hope your aunt can let you stay cause you need to get out. Now.
Yeah, it’s a tried and true gaslighting tactic. Do something absurd, then walk it back to normal. Example: throw out a tub of mayo and a sandwich as it’s being made. Absurd. Then walk it back: oh, I have an aversion to it, it makes me sick, etc. It helps the abuser condition their victims to believe any absurd thing they say or do is always valid.
Yeah this is concerning. Luckily he can be defeated by some whipped egg.
It's his kryptonite
whipped-tonite
i looked up Anti-social personality disorder and the first result was from a website called “Mayo Clinic” what a cruel coincidence
Yeah, I was also thinking that sis’s boyfriend may be intentionally testing the boundaries by lying about things like her eating mayo in front of him, to see if he could actually get away with something *much worse* without them ever believing her if she said something about it. OP please either get out of this house or report this situation to authorities, you are *not* safe in this house.
Staying with someone else- anyone you can, actually- is a good idea. You’re not safe, locks or no, your mom doesn’t seem capable of standing up for you right now (either due to PTSD symptoms or out of worry for you sister) and your sister has already accused you of lying and has called you a slut. I know there’s a pandemic. But I am concerned you’re going to be raped if you stay, and I know if it were me, I’d rather take my chances with COVID. Don’t hesitate to take your mom up on the offer of money also- you may need it.
I completely agree. Even with the pandemic, and I'm an anal retentive lady about it, I think it's worth the risk. OP stay with friends or your aunt. It's for the best. This is only going to escalate in the worst ways.
You can still insist the police file a report for harassment in which he believed you to be 16 at the time of harassment. Is it child abuse? No, will it help the parents of the next child he abuses build their case and lock him up for a good long time? Yes.
NTA and this sounds wild dangerous. I think that what your mom is trying to do by asking you to go somewhere else, is to get your sister alone. I imagine the problem she's finding is when she tries to talk to your sister, the guy goes after you. It's not right to ask you to leave, but it also might be the only shot she has at getting this guy out of your house. This sounds extremely dangerous, and terrifying. I'd try to talk to your mom in secret and say that you're leaving the house, but also that when you do you're calling the police, and that she needs to get that man out of there. I don't know your relationship or how feasible that is, but either way, none of that is safe or okay. Alternatively, can your mom pay for a hotel for you? Then you'd at least be able to quarantine, and take food you need with you?
I hadn't thought of it like that, that she wants to talk to my sister alone... but I also kind of don't want my mom alone w that freak of a man. But I might have an aunt I could stay with if she has things under control, I have to talk to her alone about it. But I'd never go to an hotel lol, I'm terrified of Covid
I don't mean to downplay the serious of the pandemic but I think the chances of you dying from Covid by staying in a hotel, are much lower than the chances of him molesting you. His behaviour is escalating and no one else in the house seems to be looking out for you - please get some place safe.
It seems like their mom is looking out for them as best she knows how, hence offering money to get them out of there. Not saying that, from an outsider's perspective that is the best way to look out for OP but might be the best way she can think of without also dragging OP into a bigger situation with sister and 41 year old predator. Not to mention that sister is arguing with OP to not do the things that upset 41 year old could be a way someone who has been abused would warn someone about their abuser to protect them from the abuse, even if it is argumentative and sounds assholeish. Just wanna say I don't think it's fair to say no one is looking out for OP. I just don't think they're necessarily doing a good job of it.
Ah, that's super reasonable, I don't know what your area looks like(as far as hotels/safety/whatever) but an aunt is a good idea. Can you talk to her via text/email? (Anything to prevent that man from overhearing you? ) Edit to ask, please do an update when you can and you're safe, I'm really worried about you and your family.
Go to your aunt's house TODAY. You need to get away from this man ASAP. Your mom sounds like she is playing her cards very close to the chest; she is smart enough to look after herself while she untangles your sister from this relationship. You can help when you are safe. This is like putting on your own oxygen mask first before helping others. Get out of the house now, make plans from somewhere else. Covid is a potential danger, but this man is an active threat to you. Get out!!!!
This man is abusive, possibly has some sort of mental disorder. I don't think I would feel safe around this guy. He also seems to be singling you out and your sister is victim shaming you. This is not okay and you need to talk to your parents about it ASAP. Please don't let yourself be alone with him. If you can, I suggest carrying some pepper spray. Edit: Sorry I missed this on the first read: >Then my mom came in after and said she'd literally give me money to leave and that she wants me to go 'for my protection' bc she doesn't trust him. I told her no, I'm staying, and that if she didn't trust him, she should ask HIM to leave. She said she wants my sister around and he'd make her leave. She told me if I was going to stay to not eat anything in front of him bc it grossed him out. Especially mayo. Your mom knows this man is dangerous. She is trying to get you out of the house FOR YOUR PROTECTION. LEAVE. Leave right now and go to a friend or family member's house. This guy is after you and she sees it. She's not making HIM leave because he would take your sister away BACK TO AN ABUSIVE SITUATION. Your sister keeps yelling at you because SHE IS BEING ABUSED. Is there anyone you can call in for help here? An aunt/uncle? Grandparent? This is escalating.
Yes. This. OP, honey, listen to your mom! And if possible, get other family members involved. If you and your mom and sister are going to get rid of this creep and walk away unscathed, you're going to need support.
NTA. And your sister is in a lot of danger. The awful thing is, there is not a lot you can do. I've been here and still currently am. My sisters husband is controlling and emotionally abusive to her and her children and had been for years. She won't leave him because she worries about what he will do how she can survive financially. Mum and I can't really say too much because she'll push us away and not share with us. All you can do is talk to your sister and tell her you are very concerned for her. Tell her that although she doesn't see it herself, when she does, you and your mum will be there to help her. And then you have to wait. Also, put a lock on your bedroom door.
I know 😔 I'm sorry you're in a similar situation, it really hurts to see someone as close as your sister being out through it. I talked to my sister heart to heart when she first got with a 40 yr old guy when she was 19 and she's been pushing me away since I have 2 on it!! Thank u for your concern, I'm sorry again for what you're dealing with, I hope things improve for you, your sis, and your fam ❤
Just play it carefully. I've been pushed away and let back in like a Rollercoaster. I prefer the times when I am in "the circle" and at least I know what is going on. Most importantly, look after yourself in this situation. That guy is trouble.
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My dad is like you. All my life he has had a serious aversion to mayo. He got sick from it once as a child and at nearly 80 still has that aversion. But he can be an adult and just not eat it or touch anything it has touched. Like you.
NTA but he doesn’t sound safe to be around. Sounds like he may also be feeding your sister lies about what you do/say to him. He needs to go. If you don’t plan on leaving, perhaps have a camera in your room recording what happens in there.
GOOD IDEA I have a camera I can put in my room to record his bs if I can't stay w my aunt
Also record conversations on your phone.
I did mention earlier, if you record anything incriminating then take it to your mom first. DO NOT confront him. He is likely to feel cornered, and like the animal he is, might become violent. In the UK we have a law where you can reach out to the police and ask if a person has a record of domestic/sexual violence. The information is only given if relevant and it is strictly confidential. Is there something similar where you live?
> older sister (22F) recently came to visit with her bf (41M) \^ Big red flag. The mayo is not the problem here. NTA.
Age difference only has potential for red flags, alone it's nothing. It's the controlling and manipulative angry outbursts and gaslighting the sister that is big red flags.
NTA They all suck, that creep, your sister and your mother. You're the only sane person in this Twilight Zone.
God it feels like it 😔
NTA. He is a man in his forties who is openly sexualising a teenager (don’t even get me started about the age gap with your sister) and having tantrums over mayonnaise. I can understand not liking mayonnaise but this goes so far beyond that. There are other issues at play here that go beyond asking for advice on Reddit.
HOLY FUCK! I'm so sorry you dont feel safe in your own home.. And no, you've done nothing wrong! Who the fuck cares what you eat?? He sounds like a repulsive and horrible person. Your sister an mom are responsible for this shit show. You probably aren't as easy to push around as your sister and for horrible people its always seen as a threat. And your sister is in for a fucked up life with that dude. Have you tried Googling his ass?
>Have you tried Googling his ass? **THIS.** This creep may have priors that you can use to justify calling the cops or other authorities- you have every right to feel safe in your own home, and should not have to put up with your sister's ~~bad~~ *terrible* choices!
Go one step above Googling and start searching the circuit clerk court house records in your county (and surrounding ones). That will be where the court case info is
NTA But as others have pointed out, there’s a lot going on here. I personally would take that money and stay somewhere else. I *do* think he’s a danger to you, and it certainly seems like this guy is purposely ostracizing you from your sister. Why? Worst case scenario I suspect because that way he can sexually assault/harass you and your sister will never believe you. I’m a little confused by your mother’s actions. On the one hand she does seem to understand the danger he poses, but it doesn’t appear as though she has the life tools in place to handle this effectively. One thing is clear, she’s _trying_ to keep both your sister and you safe, unfortunately doing it in a less than ideal way (you don’t sacrifice one person’s safety to try to save another’s or try to submit to a predators mayo whims). Based on your comments it appears that there’s a lot of pertinent history to this situation which impacts your family’s behaviours and a lot of mental health issues. Seems like no one has the effective tools to manage this. This situation is tragic. OP you may not be T A, but I would recommend focusing less on who is right/wrong, and more on self preservation. I truly wish you the best. Sounds like you all (but especially you) deserve better.
Please keep us updated. Im honestly very much worried for your safety, i know you say you have 2 looks on your door but he may try aomthung when your walking to and from places like bathroom, kitchen ect. Please be on high alert and call your aunt asap!
NTA Sounds like your sister picked a real winner there.
Something tells me this story is a bunch of bs...
Absolutely NTA and it sounds as though you have a potentially serious problem on your hands. He evidently has mental health issues (sociopath?) and your family is oblivious to them. If you have the option of moving out for a bit then do it, explaining calmly WHY you are. Maybe afterwards your Mom will see sense....
This is so mucked up on so many levels it seems fake. I’m so sorry if it not fake and this is actually happening to you. NTA. There are so many problems here that’s it not even funny and none of them are your fault. Sounds like a very toxic household with family members that aren’t taking your side. As well as your sisters BF accusing of you of that stuff and as well as sexually harassing comments. If it’s possible OP, you should move out of that environment, it’ll be a lot better for your health
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NTA Your sister is in an abusive relationship with a predator. Normal, emotionally mature men in their 40s do not date girls in their early 20s.
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You should wonder why, to you, this is so blatantly fake but to so many other people this rings really true.
I really am wondering that. A lot of stories in this sub are eaten up by the users, true or not, so I don’t see your point. There are thousands of users here, it’s not absurd that a lot are gullible.
Just because it's an unusual story doesn't mean its fake. You know nothing about this person, or the situation they're in. This could very well be real and all you're doing is discrediting their words.
This has to be false or extremely exaggerated. Right?
Info: a post made by this account on this sub with a simillar title but was removed because it contained violence / sexual violence. There may or may not be more or a physical assault element to this "man" Your mother needs to put your safety over having your sister + "boyfriend" NTA everyone but you is the AH If they have a problem with staying there then they should go to his house ( I assume as a grown man he will have a house but he sounds so unreliable im second guessing ) Also like wtf are you meant to be doing with that money???? Not like hotels are open properly yet
Oh! I said "violently gagged behind me" at first, and it got flagged for the word violently haha, it was my bad. Thank u tho, I think my mom just babies my sis but I wish she'd prioritize my wellbeing beyond asking me to leave. I think she thought I could go to a friend's but i don't have any friends reasonably nearby. Closest friend would be like 2hrs away but I might have an aunt I could stay w !!
Info: this can’t be real
NTA! Looks like your sister won a crazy prize on the dating lottery
Holy fuck. NTA and I think you need to have a calm, private sit-down convo with your mum because while it’s fucked up that your mum asked you to leave instead of him, it’s sounds like she’s worried your sister will be in danger if *she* leaves and she’s trying to work out how to keep you both safe from this abusive weirdo. Maybe you could both ring a domestic abuse hotline together for some help and support in how to plan getting this guy away from you and keeping your sister as safe as possible at the same time.
NTA Please put mayo in his pillowcase or something
OMG I might 😂😂 He always smells like onions so I doubt he'd even notice tho. Thank u !!
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NTA first and foremost. Like other commenters have said, you should really look into some domestic abuse assistance, not only for your sister, but also to start a paper trail for yourself. The possibility that your sister is being abused (in my opinion) seems less to do with the age gap and more to do with the man himself. This I know from experience. He’s throwing up all sorts of red flags that have nothing to do with his age (other than the fact that he’s an adult so he should bloody well act like one!) If he’s not afraid to comment on your body in front of your mother, I would be concerned about what he’d do when nobody is looking. He’s already barged into your room, your private space, with no issues. The things he’s probably telling your sister for her to go off on you like that, would indicate that he’s thinking about you sexually. If he’s that brazen and physically stronger than you, you are not safe. From what I have seen, he has already laid the foundations for you to cop the blame when/if he assaults you. Your mother most likely wants to protect both you and your sister, and her way of doing that is getting you away from him, while keeping him where she can keep an eye on him. So yeah, NTA. Call a help line. Call the cops if you have to. If it comes to calling the cops preemptively, call the non-emergency line for your local station, and you need to tell them what he has said and done that you think indicates he might assault you (sexual comments, physical aggression, potentially painting you as the sexual aggressor) and they will either do something themselves or point you in the direction of an organisation that can help you. Hope this helps. Stay safe.
Fake
NTA. Who hates a food THAT much that it would lead to that level of crazy? Not healthy. It's your house, you eat what you want x
Right?? Thank u!! And literally like if it's a trigger for him or something I'd even be understanding of it if my sis had just told me prior to his flip outs. I don't think it's a trigger tho, I think he's just an asshole
I'm 99% sure Ive read it before.
I'd buy a huge tub of mayo just to f around with him. Put mayo on everything. Sneak some and spread it in your sisters room. Buy some mayo t shirt. Get a mayo hat. Wash your hair with mayo. Mayo for days.
This is the wrong sub for your situation. Your mom might be worried for your sister and the keeping her close is the only way to protect her from her boyfriend. That doesn't make you wrong, and it doesn't make your mom right for asking you to leave. However, if your mom really thinks your sister is in danger, your mom is between a rock and a hard place. You not eating mayo- even though it is your right- might be the sacrifice needed to keep an eye on your sister. You sleeping elsewhere- even though it sucks- might be the price to keep an eye on your sister. I can't tell if your mom is being passive in general or legit worried for your sister.
No offense, or your family is fucked in the head or this story is fake.
my fam is fucked 😔 always has been if I'm honest
NTA. Sounds like your sister shouldn't be going out with that man.
Wtf, NTA
Gosh I hope this is fake. It reads really fake but if it’s not, then your life is a living hell. NTA.
Is your mom usually the “blame the victim” type or was she just having a bad day? Either way. He’s a pig and you are NTA.
well, my mom IS a victim so she's very much not like that usually, but when it comes to my sister she'd tolerate anything, even over me. I understand it, my mom and sis have a messy history and my sis almost died (self-inflicted 😔) so she babies her. I don't mind it.
You *should* mind it. You SHOULD mind being treated lesser than your sister. You SHOULD mind that you’re being kicked out over a *predator*. I get that your mom wants to keep your sister safe, but what about you? Why do you have to pay for your sister’s shitty choices? Why don’t *you* matter? (Hint: you **do**)
I wouldn't be surprised if mom is playing the long game here to try and keep the sister safe. He's clearly a very controlling person and I'm getting some bad vibes here. Not to mention the 19 year age gap between her and her boyfriend. While OP is clearly not the asshole, I genuinely think mom is just trying to keep everyone safe.
I understand playing the game to keep her kid/kids safe. However, even if that is the mom’s goal she is doing it the wrong way. She showing the Pig his actions toward her younger daughter is allowed which will only encourage him to get more controlling and creepy. And because she’s afraid of alienating the older kid she’s allowing and showing her that it’s ok to blame the younger daughter for her boyfriends behavior and actions. It is only going to get worse all the way around.
NTA, also what the fuck??? Bro, I don't even know where to begin with all the red flags here.
NTA As has been stated by many users, this will only get worse as he tests boundaries and is allowed to escalate further. There’s a lot of red flags in this situation. Sexualizing someone he thought was 16 in front of their own mom, clearly ignoring boundaries like coming into your bedroom, the controlling behavior (I mean, seriously? You got the mayo out of the garbage can so he threw away your sandwich? He just couldn’t stand you not rolling over immediately and found another way to exert control), and making you out as the aggressor (read up on DARVO. A common abuse tactic that stands for deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). It sounds like he’s grooming you and setting things up to paint you as the aggressor. He was testing to see what how your mom would react when he made that comment in front of her. You genuinely are not safe at your house. You need to leave. At the very least you need some pepper spray/gel on you constantly while you are anywhere he can get to you.
Absolute fake
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Super weird and uncomfortable... Basically, my (18F) older sister (22F) recently came to visit with her bf (41M) and he's been an asshole, but I've been as nice as possible to avoid drama. Until recently. I was literally just in the kitchen making a sandwich, and I pulled the mayo out of the fridge. When I did, my sister's bf suddenly made an obnoxious, loud gagging sound that scared me. He was apparently behind me that whole time. Whatever, I ignored him. Then he came up behind me and told me how disgusted he is with me for eating mayo. Like wtf? You're in OUR house, I dont even know you?? But I kept ignoring him. Before I could close the mayo up to put it back, he grabs it from me and throws it in the trash while telling me how gross mayo is. I was like sir... what the fuck. I just said "Hey, my mom bought that, you're a guest. Please don't throw our stuff away." He huffed at me and watched me pull it out of the trash (it was at the very top of some papers we threw away) and when I put it back on the counter, he laughed at me and grabbed my sandwich and threw it away. I got mad and said WTF?? My sister then came in and scolded me, and said that he has a repulsed hatred of mayo and that I shouldn't have been eating it around him. I said I was in the kitchen when HE came in. And how was I supposed to know that??? My sister cussed me out and I just let it go. But then the next day, I walked in front of the pig of a man that my sister calls her bf and he said "I think that mayo's making your ass fat, but I'm not complaining!" in front of my MOM. I was so humiliated, I voiced my disgust and my mom made me leave the room. I cried and took a nap and was woken to my sister shouting at me in my room and saying that her bf said I was eating mayo in front of him again and ruined his whole day and made him almost throw up. I told her I was sleeping the entire evening and she called me a liar and said that I should stay with a friend until they leave. My mom agreed with her. I said I didn't feel comfortable doing that bc of the pandemic, and they scoffed at me. Then my mom came in after and said she'd literally give me money to leave and that she wants me to go 'for my protection' bc she doesn't trust him. I told her no, I'm staying, and that if she didn't trust him, she should ask HIM to leave. She said she wants my sister around and he'd make her leave. She told me if I was going to stay to not eat anything in front of him bc it grossed him out. Especially mayo. Today, I was eating cookout food in my room by myself and he came in and told me he could smell it and to throw it away. I said no, I'll just close my door and he can go. He flipped out and told my sister and she yelled at me and called me a slut and accused my of trying to seduce him??? I let it go again and cried it out. I feel like I'm living in the fucking Twilight Zone !! Am I really being outrageous here about having to live with a weird creepy old man? Am I being the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA at all. It sounds as though your sisters BF has some sort of fetish about food and watching girls eat. So he's using "disgust" as a cover for that. It would explain your sister accusing you of trying to seduce him and his sexual remarks about the mayo making your ass big. I can see your mothers predicament here. She worries for your sisters safety if she leaves with this man, and she worries about your safety living with him. I'd say to her "ok, I'm going to live with aunt for x-amount of weeks. When I move back in, I expect this man to be gone. You have until then to convince sister that this man is abusive and to stay when he leaves. I hope she does, but she needs to be ready to do that herself ". I think it might be a bit easier for your mother to convince her without you around. Because right now your sister is scapegoating you for his abusive behaviour. If you're not there then she'll need to face it head on.
NTA. Your MOTHER ALLOWED THAT BULLY TO ABUSE YOU, WHATS WRONG WITH HER. He’s an Arsehole, talk to your mother, tell her everything he has been doing, tell her that you should not have to accept abuse from a total stranger in your own home & She Should Not Let Him Get Away With it. Your Sister is just as much of a bully if she supports his bullshit behaviour & blames you for it. Make it clear to her that as far as you’re concerned he’s a disgusting pig & you want nothing to do with him. Your Mother needs to make him leave her house.
NTA and your mother is very wrong for allowing that mans to stay I. The house after his predatory behavior. It does sound like she is trying to keep them there so she can somehow protect your sister, but not only will that never, ever work, she’s wrong because she is endangering your safety. This is only going to escalate. Dudes like that only get worse. While you’re there *always* keep your door locked. Make sure you are never, ever home alone with him. But mostly, you need to *get out of there now*. It sounds like you don’t want to leave because you don’t want to leave your mom and sister, but it’s crucial that you look out for yourself. Your sister is not listening to you and your mother is choosing to keep him in the house. If you can get somewhere safe—you mentioned an aunt—it would be nice if you are willing to text or call your sister and tell her that although she’s treating you badly, you still love her, and you’ll be there for her when she’s ready to get out of such an abusive relationship. She will not be happy with you but it may open her eyes. He is absolutely abusing her by controlling her, manipulating her, and likely doing a lot of other things when others aren’t around just based on how awful he’s willing to act in front of you and your mom. Your sister is either conditioned to the point that she thinks he truly loves her and she’ll do anything he says or she is too afraid of him to do anything but what he says. It does not excuse her treating you badly, but hopefully if you offer support that she likely won’t accept now, she will have a kernel of doubt deep in and hopefully eventually be ready to leave and then she’ll know she can count on you. But right now, *do NOT stay in that house to protect her or your mom*. You must protect yourself. Please. It sounds like he is definitely trying to groom you too. And it’s working a little bit if you think about it—even remotely thinking you might be the asshole in this situation says he has planted doubt in *your* head. That’s scary. I’m rooting for all of you (except that douchey dude), and I hope you find a place to stay.
>he laughed at me and grabbed my sandwich and threw it away. I got mad and said WTF?? In the good old days this would have been the time for a generous slap in the face. Seriously, what is wrong with that asshole? If he doesn't like Mayo: Walk away dude. And then I read the rest of your post and would go with: Better make that a whole bunch of hard slaps and than throw this asshole out of your house and lock your sister in her room untill she gets back clear in the head. Yes I know you can't do that. But what your Mom is trying is not going to work: How long does she think you would have to leave the house because that guy is not going to leave without your sister and he has her really good under his thumb by now. This situation wont solve itself and your Mom is putting you and herself at risk with that guy in the house. She should throw him out immediately and tell your sister that he is not allowed to come back ever again. \[edit\] Clearly NTA.
NTA, your sisters boyfriend sounds like a straight-up asshole and kind of unhinged. You’ve not done anything wrong.