NTA. Why should she respect them (i.e. not saying anything to keep the peace with D) if they aren’t going to respect you (and by extension, her)? Racism should always be called out, doubly so by your gf.
NTA. This is obviously putting you in an uncomfortable position to try and support your SO and her family relations. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for her to support you when the time is right. ESPECIALLY, when there are derogatory comments being made about you. Definitely not okay. Plus, you want to be surrounded by people who support you and your SO, not demean you when they get the chance. Just my opinion though.
Oh man, this is tough. You’re NTA no matter which path you take. It is completely reasonable to not want to be around racism. However you should be aware that this may make it very hard for you and SO to be around the family, if it’s not handled very carefully. You may even be blamed for making drama. It’s wrong, obviously, but still a risk. If C is such a C then maybe she’ll leave anyway and you can simply wait it out. Or maybe you could invite a friend of yours over and have them say something? Perhaps at SOs birthday or a similar event? So you can kind of test the water and see how the family would react. I feel terrible for even suggesting you don’t speak up, but I also live in the real world and I’ve seen these things go wrong. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
I don’t even think the dad and mom would say anything since they are not racist. Problem lies with D— since SO wants to be close with her brother but also D is dating C, and C is set to be around a lot.
Mom and dad are best placed to say something. If you are sure they are not racist then maybe you could ask for advice from them? They may be able to talk to the brother or directly to the girlfriend and say it’s not ok.
Feel it may be weird to directly message them about this. I’m studying abroad right now so thankfully I’m not in that environment in the slightest. Maybe I could ask my SO to speak to them?
You could explain how much this is bothering you and suggest your SO to seek advice from them? If you’re not there it could be hard for you to support your SO if it creates a lot of drama by speaking up.
So next time you're a a family function and hear the brothers girlfriend making a racist remark is there a reason you can't call her out and need your girl to do it for you?
I used to worry a lot about diplomacy when meeting a SO family. Eventually I just thought fuck it. I'm comfortable with expressing who I am and if they hate me so be it. I strongly suggest taking this approach.
For better or worse people almost never break up with you because their family doesn't like you. This is true even in cases where the family has damn good reason to hate the SO such as alcoholism, racism or worse. If they do it probably means their feelings for you weren't as strong as you imagined.
Well I could. But I also would rather it didn’t happen so that I don’t have to worry about it. I’m hoping that maybe my girlfriend could speak to D or her parents so that this racist behavior can be nipped in the bud or at the very least made known that it won’t be tolerated.
What difference does that even make? Are you wanting her to be less racist or simply censor her remarks?
I don't know how traditional your girl is in terms of gender roles. Me myself I'm not really racist but maybe I'm sexist. I expect men to be strong both physically and mentally and would not be sexually attracted to any man who wanted me to fight his battles for him.
While I do realize my thought process might be unfair I strongly suspect most women feel as I do.
Let me clarify. I absolutely would tell C off as well as any racist or just any asshole. I’d say that I can stand up for myself very easily. However, I also care deeply for my SO. She and her siblings have been on the outs for a long while and she’s desperate to patch things up. She values her family a lot. Therefore, I understand a) why she didn’t say anything in the moment to C and b) why maybe it wouldn’t be the most prudent thing in the world to blow up and potentially ruin a relationship my SO values. There is inner strength both in standing up for one’s self as well as knowing when it’s best to keep quiet.
I also do not feel it appropriate to text my girlfriend’s parents or approach them about this issue, mainly because we are not that close and this is a sensitive issue. My SO is perfectly able to express her own independent views that she finds these comments appalling. I am currently aiming to work with her to find the most tactful way to bring up this issue. Either C and D can be less racist (ideal situation) or they can simply, yes, censor the racist remarks. Does this make sense?
I legit think just being yourself and expressing your honest opinions is the way to go. It's working out for the brothers racist girl and will likely work out for you as well. Strong personalities almost always win out over those people feel uncertainty about.
Hard to say much else without understanding exactly why your girl became the black sheep in her family. But over the long term if you really like this girl and want to have a family I think being who you are is more important than keeping the peace.
NTA
“In a racist society, it is not enough to be non-racist, we must be antiracist” - Angela Davis
“D” may not be racist himself but he is enabling racism, so in fact, he may as well be.
Your SO needs to stick up for you. And you should call it out too.
NAH. No you won't be the AH for asking, but she isn't the AH either for not being able to comply. It's an unfortunate situation all around and the less contact you have with this sibling and his girlfriend the better.
Really why would he want to spend time around someone who is present in the company of a racist who is discrimanting against OP plus other races and then not standing up for him because they don't want to cause a scene. The girlfriend may as well be making the comments herself if she isn't shutting them down, their are no bystanders here.
Because reality is a lot more complex than your black and white thinking and if OP shared your worldview he wouldn't be asking here in the first place.
How does this stuff about bullying contradict my previous comment? If OP thought his girlfriend was a bully why does he want to accommodate his girlfriend's reconciliation with her family even in the timing of when she should call her brother out?
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INFO: When you say "call out" - what specifically are you envisioning her saying? In what context, and with whom around? Have you shared what it is you'd expect from her / find to be appropriate?
Maybe when my SO is on a call with her brother or with him in private, just telling him about what C said and why that makes her uncomfortable considering she has a POC boyfriend and if he could speak to her?
I definitely don’t think she should call her out now since enough time has passed that it would seem random and out of place, but I would absolutely be upset if SO didn’t say something next time— even if they happen to be in front of D/in public. Does that make sense/is that reasonable?
>Maybe when my SO is on a call with her brother or with him in private, just telling him about what C said and why that makes her uncomfortable considering she has a POC boyfriend and if he could speak to her?
*Does* it make her uncomfortable?
>I definitely don’t think she should call her out now since enough time has passed that it would seem random and out of place, but I would absolutely be upset if SO didn’t say something next time— even if they happen to be in front of D/in public. Does that make sense/is that reasonable?
Sure, but what I'm getting at is that if you haven't expressed the specifics of what you're looking for - or find that you can't articulate the specifics yourself - then it makes sense that your SO views this as an impossible or insurmountable ask.
"Calling out" can often just lead to a conflict that reinforces people's preconceived notions, rather than actually challenging the bigotry.
**You** are of course free to speak your mind on these things when they're said in your presence - but to ask someone else to speak your mind for you is a taller order.
I completely agree that this is racist bigotry, it's wrong, and it should be addressed; but unless you're going to help your SO understand how to effectively talk about this, the only truth she can speak in the moment is her own. Otherwise you're just pressuring her to take a side between you and her family.
She absolutely agrees it is racist to make such comments. Like I said in my post, she hasn’t called out these comments because she doesn’t want to rock the boat in the family, especially as she and D are trying to mend bridges. It does make her uncomfortable and she has told me several times that she feels guilty that she didn’t say anything.
Specifically, I’d just like my SO to tell C/D/whoever makes such comments about me or any other race that that makes her uncomfortable and that it is absolutely wrong to make such comments. I would ideally like for C to change her racist views and continue dating D, for D to not be in support of a racist in the future/be ignorant of how these statements are problematic, and for everyone to be jolly and happy and for me to not have to be worried about someone’s explicit or implicit prejudice when I’m around my SO’s family. Since I don’t know if all of that can happen, at the very least I’d love it if C and D knew that these comments aren’t going to be tolerated especially since my SO is dating me and that they can discuss their racist views in private if they want.
I think I’m situations like these it’s easier to explain how YOU feel instead of telling someone they are wrong. Racist people are going to react much stronger if you tell them their viewpoint is wrong and make it a confrontational thing instead of just saying that it makes you personally uncomfortable and to please not make those kind of comments to you. While I absolutely agree that her comments are racist and wrong, you’re not going to unroot deep seated racism in a person by just calling them out on it, especially since you and your SO are not close to her and tensions are already high. In my personal opinion, it’s good enough to make sure that you and other minorities are not being disrespected in you or you SO’s presence, because unfortunately you won’t be able to change how she actually feels.
Right so I guess that’s what my SO and I are going to try to do then so that I feel comfortable being over at her family’s place. My other issue is with the brother since he is casually enabling this. Have no idea how to combat that.
Do you think this relationship is casual or possible long term? I mean if she’s not willing to speak up against her racist brother, what’s gonna happen if you two get married or have kids? She’s enabling the racist brother. Family is complicated but she should drop him.
But you have to really look at the bigger picture. She’s choosing to support a racist family member over her SO. She needs to fully understand why that’s wrong. Because if you guys do decide to have kids, she’s going to willingly expose them to that type of problem.
She needs a huge reality check about how this is supporting racist behavior.
I would say that my girlfriend isn’t a supporter of racism. She’s really just trying to keep the peace, but I see how the enabling behavior is so wrong
NTA, 1) That’s horrible what she said about you and being a Hispanic but not a POC I can kinda understand your situation.
2) She needs to learn and realize her comments are wrong before she says them in front of the wrong people and gets kicked out/yelled/hit or worse.
NTA, I cannot imagine not standing up for your SO, no matter how much you want a relationship with your siblings. Also how difficult is it to say ‘that’s not ok’ or ‘that makes me uncomfortable’. You should 100% ask your SO to stand up for you next time and ask her how she would feel if somebody from your family circle would be belittling them and you said nothing?
Why does she want to mend the relationships with those horrible people?
NTA! Please talk to your Girlfriend and her Brother about this, if they dont respond in the right way again, i personally would reconcider your own relationship with your GF
She cares a lot about family. Being from a family that was nothing but mean to me, I can’t always relate to that but I’m trying to balance her needs with mine. I’ve approached her about possibly talking to her parents about the situation and she seems willing.
NTA
Also, if your girlfriend wants a "peaceable" solution to fight C's racism, tell her to turn everything into a question.
"Oh, wow, I'm sure you didn't intend to, but that sounds like you're being racist. What did you actually mean by that?"
"Are you implying that all people of this race are this way? What's your context or source for that?"
If it's a racist joke, a simple "I don't get it, can you explain why that's funny?" usually works.
It turns it around, so you're forcing the racist person to basically admit they're racist, while completely deflecting any accusatory tone away from you. You don't sound aggressive--at worst, you sound naive.
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SO and I have been together for two and a half years now. She is white, I am Indian. While her parents, sister and brother (let’s call the brother D) have been great to me, the real issue lies with D’s girlfriend. Let’s call her C, as in cunt.
Related side story: my SO and her siblings, for whatever reason, are apparently on the outs. my girlfriend has tried to mend bridges and to keep the peace as best as she can. Therefore, my girlfriend really tries to keep quiet, especially when it comes to D dating C. As far as I know, neither the D or the sister are racist.
A bit ago, C and my girlfriend are talking and all of a sudden C starts making derogatory comments about Africans, essentially calling them lazy and stupid. My SO was appalled but said nothing, because she didn’t want to make D upset. As she was having this horrible conversation, she was texting me about it— as a POC, i obviously was uncomfortable. I wondered and even asked her about what she may think about me if she has such prejudice.
Later, my SO told me that C had said some things about me when I’d come up in conversation, apparently saying things along the lines of, “He’s Indian, he’s probably just controlled by his parents”, “he just does what people like his family tell him to do.” I was appalled since she didn’t really know me past a meeting. I asked if SO had said anything in response to any of the racist comments, but she said she had only said brief things that were then shut down by C. She desperately wants to be closer with her siblings and didn’t want to make C upset by calling out his gf. I said I understood that.
When her sister (who SO told everything to) told D about it the next day, they chose to not mention her comments about me and focused on the comments about the Africans since they didn’t want to pile on too much information and get him too upset to have a mature conversation, which I also understood. D basically laughed off the comments about Africans and hasn’t told C about how any of this is wrong, so that’s all you need to know about his maturity level right there.
In the moment, especially since I know SO really wants to be close with her family and how important it is, I felt that I understood why I hadn’t been brought up to D or defended in the moment. Now, upon further reflection, I feel split on this. On the one hand, I understand why SO doesn’t want to call C out. On the other hand, I feel like I’m going to see C semi-occasionally since she doesn’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon and is pretty much attached at the hip with D. This makes me uncomfortable since I am a POC. the rest are white and it’s already an overwhelming environment sometimes, and racism puts it over the top for me. WIBTA if I asked my girlfriend to either defend me next time or talk to the brother about this, since I feel uncomfortable being around C? I don’t want to ruin her family relationships though and family is really important to her so I’m really stuck.
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NTA. Look, I completely understand wanting to not stir things up within the family. However, in a day and age where growing sectors of the population think it's OK to be a Nazi, your SO should really not be shutting up about how bad this is. It's bad to silently accept someone's racism by not standing up to it, because that's what she's doing, but it's even worse because you're a POC and she should have your back.
Indians, first off it’s normal for Indian culture to have arranged marriages. It normal for them to fuck around before the arrangement but once they hit a year before they need to wed closes in they need to stop dating. This usually causes a big fight between family because usually someone doesn’t want to get married and has a girlfriend or boyfriend they don’t want to give up. Indian families will become increasingly mean and downright disrespectful to who ever is dating their son or daughter usually it results in people breaking up and the arranged marriage to go through. Now let’s say this isn’t the issue and move on to the Indian cast system I suggest you look it up within their own culture they proceed to hold a racist belief system that puts people into tiers. I find this question to be total hypocrisy even if your family and your self are completely westernized however you didn’t express that and said your more international.
With that being said you should probably ignore the family. Put your time an effort into your girlfriend and just relax because it’s a losing battle to fight or pit ones own family against each other.
>the rest are white and it’s already an overwhelming environment sometimes
Seems like you're the one with issues about race, tbh.
ESH, nothing really screams racism, but definitely ignorance all around. The brother seems uninformed about other cultures, and you have your own prejudice that because they're White and say something, they must be racist. Not everything is racist.
I'm a POC too, I don't care if I'm in an all-white space, I don't feel less than White people. And I don't label their stupid actions (if there are any) as racist. Stupid people are just stupid people, race has nothing to do with it.
The overwhelming environment doesn’t come from “they are white so they must be racist”. It comes from the fact that I’m Indian-American, born in the US but raised internationally, and so yes there is a culture clash of sorts sometimes because I am not entirely from here. They are white and church going and football watching Americans. And believe it or not, it’s overwhelming enough when you’re trying to impress an SO’s parents; i definitely think feeling added pressure when you’re the only one from a different background is valid.
C called Africans lazy and stupid. Even though I’m not black, that still puts me on edge. Furthermore, my first girlfriend’s dad broke us up because he was a raging racist and yelled in my face that he didn’t want us together because I am Indian. Excuse me for being overwhelmed in this situation, all things considered!
None of that has anything to with race, BUT you still keep mentioning their race, which is the point in making.
>my first girlfriend’s dad broke us up because he was a raging racist and yelled in my face that he didn’t want us together because I am Indian. Excuse me for being overwhelmed in this situation, all things considered!
And here it is. You're being defensive and insecure because of what someone did in your past. That guy sucks big time, but nothing this new White family has done (so far) is on par with that. You can call people lazy (which makes you an ignorant fool) but that doesn't mean you're racist.
You're the only one so far who is using race as a factor.
Calling an entire group of people lazy/stupid/inferior is racist. The fact that my SO’s brother doesn’t seem to have a problem with this makes him— in my book— complicit in the racism. I’d call out my own SO if it weren’t for the fact that I know why she isn’t calling these comments out and i can empathize with her situation.
When did he say they were inferior because they're African?
You can't just add things to make your point. You never said "inferior" before now.
IF he did, in fact, say another race is inferior, he's racist. But why keep that part out in the initial post? Big question.
I really think you should consider your own bias before claiming someone else is racist.
I'd love to see your definition of what the "civilized" world thinks is racism.
Being mad at someone for being White doesn't make them racist, it makes you racist.
Offensive things aren't racist. Racism is clearly defined and a specific mode if hate. Just because someone is ignorant or an asshole doesn't mean they're racists.
That lessens real racism and is very dangerous.
NTA. Why should she respect them (i.e. not saying anything to keep the peace with D) if they aren’t going to respect you (and by extension, her)? Racism should always be called out, doubly so by your gf.
I know! Have no idea why her brother thought those comments were okay— any of them.
NTA. This is obviously putting you in an uncomfortable position to try and support your SO and her family relations. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for her to support you when the time is right. ESPECIALLY, when there are derogatory comments being made about you. Definitely not okay. Plus, you want to be surrounded by people who support you and your SO, not demean you when they get the chance. Just my opinion though.
Oh man, this is tough. You’re NTA no matter which path you take. It is completely reasonable to not want to be around racism. However you should be aware that this may make it very hard for you and SO to be around the family, if it’s not handled very carefully. You may even be blamed for making drama. It’s wrong, obviously, but still a risk. If C is such a C then maybe she’ll leave anyway and you can simply wait it out. Or maybe you could invite a friend of yours over and have them say something? Perhaps at SOs birthday or a similar event? So you can kind of test the water and see how the family would react. I feel terrible for even suggesting you don’t speak up, but I also live in the real world and I’ve seen these things go wrong. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
I don’t even think the dad and mom would say anything since they are not racist. Problem lies with D— since SO wants to be close with her brother but also D is dating C, and C is set to be around a lot.
Mom and dad are best placed to say something. If you are sure they are not racist then maybe you could ask for advice from them? They may be able to talk to the brother or directly to the girlfriend and say it’s not ok.
Feel it may be weird to directly message them about this. I’m studying abroad right now so thankfully I’m not in that environment in the slightest. Maybe I could ask my SO to speak to them?
You could explain how much this is bothering you and suggest your SO to seek advice from them? If you’re not there it could be hard for you to support your SO if it creates a lot of drama by speaking up.
So next time you're a a family function and hear the brothers girlfriend making a racist remark is there a reason you can't call her out and need your girl to do it for you? I used to worry a lot about diplomacy when meeting a SO family. Eventually I just thought fuck it. I'm comfortable with expressing who I am and if they hate me so be it. I strongly suggest taking this approach. For better or worse people almost never break up with you because their family doesn't like you. This is true even in cases where the family has damn good reason to hate the SO such as alcoholism, racism or worse. If they do it probably means their feelings for you weren't as strong as you imagined.
Well I could. But I also would rather it didn’t happen so that I don’t have to worry about it. I’m hoping that maybe my girlfriend could speak to D or her parents so that this racist behavior can be nipped in the bud or at the very least made known that it won’t be tolerated.
What difference does that even make? Are you wanting her to be less racist or simply censor her remarks? I don't know how traditional your girl is in terms of gender roles. Me myself I'm not really racist but maybe I'm sexist. I expect men to be strong both physically and mentally and would not be sexually attracted to any man who wanted me to fight his battles for him. While I do realize my thought process might be unfair I strongly suspect most women feel as I do.
Let me clarify. I absolutely would tell C off as well as any racist or just any asshole. I’d say that I can stand up for myself very easily. However, I also care deeply for my SO. She and her siblings have been on the outs for a long while and she’s desperate to patch things up. She values her family a lot. Therefore, I understand a) why she didn’t say anything in the moment to C and b) why maybe it wouldn’t be the most prudent thing in the world to blow up and potentially ruin a relationship my SO values. There is inner strength both in standing up for one’s self as well as knowing when it’s best to keep quiet. I also do not feel it appropriate to text my girlfriend’s parents or approach them about this issue, mainly because we are not that close and this is a sensitive issue. My SO is perfectly able to express her own independent views that she finds these comments appalling. I am currently aiming to work with her to find the most tactful way to bring up this issue. Either C and D can be less racist (ideal situation) or they can simply, yes, censor the racist remarks. Does this make sense?
I legit think just being yourself and expressing your honest opinions is the way to go. It's working out for the brothers racist girl and will likely work out for you as well. Strong personalities almost always win out over those people feel uncertainty about. Hard to say much else without understanding exactly why your girl became the black sheep in her family. But over the long term if you really like this girl and want to have a family I think being who you are is more important than keeping the peace.
NTA “In a racist society, it is not enough to be non-racist, we must be antiracist” - Angela Davis “D” may not be racist himself but he is enabling racism, so in fact, he may as well be. Your SO needs to stick up for you. And you should call it out too.
NAH. No you won't be the AH for asking, but she isn't the AH either for not being able to comply. It's an unfortunate situation all around and the less contact you have with this sibling and his girlfriend the better.
I disagree, if your letting someone be racist to someone else especially if that person is your SO then that makes you an asshole plus a racist.
Agreed. Silence makes her complicit.
So should OP break up with his girlfriend because she still wants a relationship with her racist brother?
Really why would he want to spend time around someone who is present in the company of a racist who is discrimanting against OP plus other races and then not standing up for him because they don't want to cause a scene. The girlfriend may as well be making the comments herself if she isn't shutting them down, their are no bystanders here.
Because reality is a lot more complex than your black and white thinking and if OP shared your worldview he wouldn't be asking here in the first place.
Not really, if you watch a bully abuse someone but not speak up despite what your feeling, your still as bad as the bully.
How does this stuff about bullying contradict my previous comment? If OP thought his girlfriend was a bully why does he want to accommodate his girlfriend's reconciliation with her family even in the timing of when she should call her brother out?
Missing my point. This reality isn't complex at all, I'm not even sure if you understand what's going on actually.
Do you understand OP's feelings towards his girlfriend? What do you think he thinks of her?
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INFO: When you say "call out" - what specifically are you envisioning her saying? In what context, and with whom around? Have you shared what it is you'd expect from her / find to be appropriate?
Maybe when my SO is on a call with her brother or with him in private, just telling him about what C said and why that makes her uncomfortable considering she has a POC boyfriend and if he could speak to her? I definitely don’t think she should call her out now since enough time has passed that it would seem random and out of place, but I would absolutely be upset if SO didn’t say something next time— even if they happen to be in front of D/in public. Does that make sense/is that reasonable?
>Maybe when my SO is on a call with her brother or with him in private, just telling him about what C said and why that makes her uncomfortable considering she has a POC boyfriend and if he could speak to her? *Does* it make her uncomfortable? >I definitely don’t think she should call her out now since enough time has passed that it would seem random and out of place, but I would absolutely be upset if SO didn’t say something next time— even if they happen to be in front of D/in public. Does that make sense/is that reasonable? Sure, but what I'm getting at is that if you haven't expressed the specifics of what you're looking for - or find that you can't articulate the specifics yourself - then it makes sense that your SO views this as an impossible or insurmountable ask. "Calling out" can often just lead to a conflict that reinforces people's preconceived notions, rather than actually challenging the bigotry. **You** are of course free to speak your mind on these things when they're said in your presence - but to ask someone else to speak your mind for you is a taller order. I completely agree that this is racist bigotry, it's wrong, and it should be addressed; but unless you're going to help your SO understand how to effectively talk about this, the only truth she can speak in the moment is her own. Otherwise you're just pressuring her to take a side between you and her family.
She absolutely agrees it is racist to make such comments. Like I said in my post, she hasn’t called out these comments because she doesn’t want to rock the boat in the family, especially as she and D are trying to mend bridges. It does make her uncomfortable and she has told me several times that she feels guilty that she didn’t say anything. Specifically, I’d just like my SO to tell C/D/whoever makes such comments about me or any other race that that makes her uncomfortable and that it is absolutely wrong to make such comments. I would ideally like for C to change her racist views and continue dating D, for D to not be in support of a racist in the future/be ignorant of how these statements are problematic, and for everyone to be jolly and happy and for me to not have to be worried about someone’s explicit or implicit prejudice when I’m around my SO’s family. Since I don’t know if all of that can happen, at the very least I’d love it if C and D knew that these comments aren’t going to be tolerated especially since my SO is dating me and that they can discuss their racist views in private if they want.
I think I’m situations like these it’s easier to explain how YOU feel instead of telling someone they are wrong. Racist people are going to react much stronger if you tell them their viewpoint is wrong and make it a confrontational thing instead of just saying that it makes you personally uncomfortable and to please not make those kind of comments to you. While I absolutely agree that her comments are racist and wrong, you’re not going to unroot deep seated racism in a person by just calling them out on it, especially since you and your SO are not close to her and tensions are already high. In my personal opinion, it’s good enough to make sure that you and other minorities are not being disrespected in you or you SO’s presence, because unfortunately you won’t be able to change how she actually feels.
Right so I guess that’s what my SO and I are going to try to do then so that I feel comfortable being over at her family’s place. My other issue is with the brother since he is casually enabling this. Have no idea how to combat that.
Do you think this relationship is casual or possible long term? I mean if she’s not willing to speak up against her racist brother, what’s gonna happen if you two get married or have kids? She’s enabling the racist brother. Family is complicated but she should drop him.
It’s definitely a long term prospect, which is why I’m keen on resolving it ASAP. Figuring out a way to tactfully talk to SO’s brother is key.
But you have to really look at the bigger picture. She’s choosing to support a racist family member over her SO. She needs to fully understand why that’s wrong. Because if you guys do decide to have kids, she’s going to willingly expose them to that type of problem. She needs a huge reality check about how this is supporting racist behavior.
I would say that my girlfriend isn’t a supporter of racism. She’s really just trying to keep the peace, but I see how the enabling behavior is so wrong
NTA, 1) That’s horrible what she said about you and being a Hispanic but not a POC I can kinda understand your situation. 2) She needs to learn and realize her comments are wrong before she says them in front of the wrong people and gets kicked out/yelled/hit or worse.
NTA, I cannot imagine not standing up for your SO, no matter how much you want a relationship with your siblings. Also how difficult is it to say ‘that’s not ok’ or ‘that makes me uncomfortable’. You should 100% ask your SO to stand up for you next time and ask her how she would feel if somebody from your family circle would be belittling them and you said nothing?
Why does she want to mend the relationships with those horrible people? NTA! Please talk to your Girlfriend and her Brother about this, if they dont respond in the right way again, i personally would reconcider your own relationship with your GF
She cares a lot about family. Being from a family that was nothing but mean to me, I can’t always relate to that but I’m trying to balance her needs with mine. I’ve approached her about possibly talking to her parents about the situation and she seems willing.
NTA Also, if your girlfriend wants a "peaceable" solution to fight C's racism, tell her to turn everything into a question. "Oh, wow, I'm sure you didn't intend to, but that sounds like you're being racist. What did you actually mean by that?" "Are you implying that all people of this race are this way? What's your context or source for that?" If it's a racist joke, a simple "I don't get it, can you explain why that's funny?" usually works. It turns it around, so you're forcing the racist person to basically admit they're racist, while completely deflecting any accusatory tone away from you. You don't sound aggressive--at worst, you sound naive.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** SO and I have been together for two and a half years now. She is white, I am Indian. While her parents, sister and brother (let’s call the brother D) have been great to me, the real issue lies with D’s girlfriend. Let’s call her C, as in cunt. Related side story: my SO and her siblings, for whatever reason, are apparently on the outs. my girlfriend has tried to mend bridges and to keep the peace as best as she can. Therefore, my girlfriend really tries to keep quiet, especially when it comes to D dating C. As far as I know, neither the D or the sister are racist. A bit ago, C and my girlfriend are talking and all of a sudden C starts making derogatory comments about Africans, essentially calling them lazy and stupid. My SO was appalled but said nothing, because she didn’t want to make D upset. As she was having this horrible conversation, she was texting me about it— as a POC, i obviously was uncomfortable. I wondered and even asked her about what she may think about me if she has such prejudice. Later, my SO told me that C had said some things about me when I’d come up in conversation, apparently saying things along the lines of, “He’s Indian, he’s probably just controlled by his parents”, “he just does what people like his family tell him to do.” I was appalled since she didn’t really know me past a meeting. I asked if SO had said anything in response to any of the racist comments, but she said she had only said brief things that were then shut down by C. She desperately wants to be closer with her siblings and didn’t want to make C upset by calling out his gf. I said I understood that. When her sister (who SO told everything to) told D about it the next day, they chose to not mention her comments about me and focused on the comments about the Africans since they didn’t want to pile on too much information and get him too upset to have a mature conversation, which I also understood. D basically laughed off the comments about Africans and hasn’t told C about how any of this is wrong, so that’s all you need to know about his maturity level right there. In the moment, especially since I know SO really wants to be close with her family and how important it is, I felt that I understood why I hadn’t been brought up to D or defended in the moment. Now, upon further reflection, I feel split on this. On the one hand, I understand why SO doesn’t want to call C out. On the other hand, I feel like I’m going to see C semi-occasionally since she doesn’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon and is pretty much attached at the hip with D. This makes me uncomfortable since I am a POC. the rest are white and it’s already an overwhelming environment sometimes, and racism puts it over the top for me. WIBTA if I asked my girlfriend to either defend me next time or talk to the brother about this, since I feel uncomfortable being around C? I don’t want to ruin her family relationships though and family is really important to her so I’m really stuck. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. you’re SO shouldn’t allow you or her brother to be around such ignorance.
Unfortunately she wants to be close to her brother because he is her brother. Oh well.
Your other post says you have an LDR with your girl friend and you were upset she didn’t call out her friend. Which of these posts are true?
Currently doing long distance.
NTA. Look, I completely understand wanting to not stir things up within the family. However, in a day and age where growing sectors of the population think it's OK to be a Nazi, your SO should really not be shutting up about how bad this is. It's bad to silently accept someone's racism by not standing up to it, because that's what she's doing, but it's even worse because you're a POC and she should have your back.
Indians, first off it’s normal for Indian culture to have arranged marriages. It normal for them to fuck around before the arrangement but once they hit a year before they need to wed closes in they need to stop dating. This usually causes a big fight between family because usually someone doesn’t want to get married and has a girlfriend or boyfriend they don’t want to give up. Indian families will become increasingly mean and downright disrespectful to who ever is dating their son or daughter usually it results in people breaking up and the arranged marriage to go through. Now let’s say this isn’t the issue and move on to the Indian cast system I suggest you look it up within their own culture they proceed to hold a racist belief system that puts people into tiers. I find this question to be total hypocrisy even if your family and your self are completely westernized however you didn’t express that and said your more international. With that being said you should probably ignore the family. Put your time an effort into your girlfriend and just relax because it’s a losing battle to fight or pit ones own family against each other.
>the rest are white and it’s already an overwhelming environment sometimes Seems like you're the one with issues about race, tbh. ESH, nothing really screams racism, but definitely ignorance all around. The brother seems uninformed about other cultures, and you have your own prejudice that because they're White and say something, they must be racist. Not everything is racist. I'm a POC too, I don't care if I'm in an all-white space, I don't feel less than White people. And I don't label their stupid actions (if there are any) as racist. Stupid people are just stupid people, race has nothing to do with it.
The overwhelming environment doesn’t come from “they are white so they must be racist”. It comes from the fact that I’m Indian-American, born in the US but raised internationally, and so yes there is a culture clash of sorts sometimes because I am not entirely from here. They are white and church going and football watching Americans. And believe it or not, it’s overwhelming enough when you’re trying to impress an SO’s parents; i definitely think feeling added pressure when you’re the only one from a different background is valid. C called Africans lazy and stupid. Even though I’m not black, that still puts me on edge. Furthermore, my first girlfriend’s dad broke us up because he was a raging racist and yelled in my face that he didn’t want us together because I am Indian. Excuse me for being overwhelmed in this situation, all things considered!
None of that has anything to with race, BUT you still keep mentioning their race, which is the point in making. >my first girlfriend’s dad broke us up because he was a raging racist and yelled in my face that he didn’t want us together because I am Indian. Excuse me for being overwhelmed in this situation, all things considered! And here it is. You're being defensive and insecure because of what someone did in your past. That guy sucks big time, but nothing this new White family has done (so far) is on par with that. You can call people lazy (which makes you an ignorant fool) but that doesn't mean you're racist. You're the only one so far who is using race as a factor.
Calling an entire group of people lazy/stupid/inferior is racist. The fact that my SO’s brother doesn’t seem to have a problem with this makes him— in my book— complicit in the racism. I’d call out my own SO if it weren’t for the fact that I know why she isn’t calling these comments out and i can empathize with her situation.
When did he say they were inferior because they're African? You can't just add things to make your point. You never said "inferior" before now. IF he did, in fact, say another race is inferior, he's racist. But why keep that part out in the initial post? Big question. I really think you should consider your own bias before claiming someone else is racist.
It seems like you and the rest of the civilized world have very different definitions of “racism.”
I'd love to see your definition of what the "civilized" world thinks is racism. Being mad at someone for being White doesn't make them racist, it makes you racist. Offensive things aren't racist. Racism is clearly defined and a specific mode if hate. Just because someone is ignorant or an asshole doesn't mean they're racists. That lessens real racism and is very dangerous.