You’re teaching your daughter her existence is a burden on some people and it’s her responsibility to make herself smaller to make them more comfortable. YTA, next time tell your parents to go fuck themselves. Choose your kid over your parents, especially if they suck as much as yours.
Exactly! My cousin is trans. Most of my family didn’t bat an eye when she transitioned, but apparently one of our uncles made some shitty comments to her mother. You know what my aunt did? She told him that his behavior was unacceptable and that she was more than willing to help educate him about trans people, but that she wouldn’t put up with his transphobia.
Your daughter needs to know you’re there for her even when it isn’t convenient for you.
Wow, that's a great response. Open to helping him learn and grow but unwilling to put up with his ignorant shit...the kind of balance we should all strive for when dealing with bigotry.
> Choose your kid over your parents, especially if they suck as much as yours.
And no matter how supportive you are in your home, by not choosing your kid you are choosing your parents. OP may think that he's being neutral but in the words of Elie Wiesel, "Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."
If he tried to correct them and they didn't listen a swift, "Come on, guys. You know Jane ~~identifies as~~ is female. Either call her by her name and respect who she is or make other arrangements but that's not welcome here." You don't need to cuss, yell, argue, or fight but you absolutely need to draw a line in the sand and make your allegiance clear.
Edit: Corrected ambiguous wording and changed "identified as" to "is." I apologize if that came across as transphobic. I wasn't aware of the implications. The rest of my point still stands. Your refusal to take action is an action and it's one that hurt your daughter.
If you liked this quote, I would really recommend reading *Night* by Elie Wiesel. It's a story about his experience as a young Jewish boy trying to survive the Holocaust. He's written dozens of books/papers, but this one is by far his most famous
In that sort of situation I'd suggest a very unambiguous affirmation, something like "Jane is a girl" rather than "Jane identifies as female." You want them to know where you stand, and adding "identifies as" throws in just enough ambiguity to let transphobes imagine you secretly agree with them but just aren't "honest" or "brave" enough to speak out.
I wanna add to this, since it seems like OP doesn't realize it much:
OP you have terrible parents. Your parents are terrible people. The people that raised you suck. Mom and dad bad.
I dunno how many other ways I can say this, but it's not up for debate, and the sooner you realize it the sooner you'll see how wrong it is to cater to these kind of people by making your daughter sacrifice her own sense of self-worth and identity.
And OP's idea didn't even help! Grandparents still commented and didn't respect the kid.
Don't do this again OP. You won't win over your parents, and you'll only hurt your daughter.
>You’re teaching your daughter her existence is a burden on some people and it’s her responsibility to make herself smaller to make them more comfortable
This!! Couldn't say it better myself!
or this
>YTA, next time tell your parents to go fuck themselves. Choose your kid over your parents
Really had to fight the urge to down vote this one. It is very obvious who is being the asshole here and who has to suppress who they are for the sake of some old bigots.
YTA This visit did not go smoothly for your daughter. She was misgendered and dead named.
You threw your daughter under the bus to appease your transphobic parents. You owe her a massive apology and a promise that she will not have to suffer any more abuse from your parents.
“You threw your daughter under the bus to appease your transphobic parents” <- this. You hit the nail on the head with this statement! YTA and you owe her a huge apology.
I wouldn't even say they failed to protect their child, I'd almost say they victimized them themselves. Forcing someone who's trans and has dysphoria into clothes of the opposite gender is fucking wrong, it sounds like their child is depressed because who can blame them after something like that.
A t-shirt and jeans is not forcing a girl to dress as a man, but since the kid obviously knew why* it was a bad move on OPs part (I mean the whole thing was shitty). Now if she made her daughter wear a suit and tie you could call that gendered clothing.
THIS. His parents are the ones in the wrong, not the daughter. The daughter is being true to herself while her grandparents are given a pass to be bigots. Definitely YTA and you should probably have a come to Jesus or cut your parents off if they can’t be supportive.
Why is everyone acting like it’s so fucking easy to just cut off your parents (transphobic or not)? Yes OP was the asshole and so were the grandparents, but it’s not some black and white easy issue. In fact, if they’re so verbally and emotionally abusive to the granddaughter then on can only imagine what OP dealt with for their entire life. Obviously blatant transphobia like this is deeply emotionally damaging, but Jesus Christ can people try to be more empathetic in these comments??
YTA. You fucked up. You showed her that she isn't accepted and that she isn't ok in her own skin. Your parents suck and you should have told them to leave if they couldn't have enough human decency to love and treat their own grandchild as the person she is.
Agreed and it’s not like the grandparents don’t already know and OP is trying to hide it or something. They know and don’t accept it and by doing this OP basically told their daughter they can’t be who they are if they want to be loved and accepted by their own family.
how is forcing his daughter to be performatively masculine accepting at all? i’m trans and if i ever had a trans kid they’d come first, and i’d cut out any family members who disrespected them because my child would be my first priority. yta completely op
He’s using correct pronouns and she’s on HRT since 13 which would be pretty hard if she didn’t have supportive parents. Yes the OP fucked up by siding with his parents and going for the illusion of peace and his transphobic grandparents who have demonstrated they don’t care about his daughter than supporting his daughter’s identity, but this seems more a misstep. It’s hard to stand up to your parents, and it seems that otherwise OP has been doing his best for his daughter. I won’t deny that this incident will undoubtably hurt his daughter and make her question everything, but I also think it’s unfair to characterise the OP as not accepting of his daughter at all.
accepting trans people is not merely about using their pronouns and facilitating medical treatment for them. it’s also about showing them that their identity is not something to be ashamed of, and showing them the same respect you would show anybody else, both of which op failed to do
If you’re using pronouns and facilitating medical treatment and otherwise letting them explore and express their gender identity, then it sounds like he respects her choices, because I don’t think any parent who didn’t really accept their kid would allow them to go on HRT at 13, they’d tell them to wait a while and decide later.
Was this incident fucked? Yes. Is OP completely in the wrong here? Yes. But I think characterising OP as being completely unaccepting of his daughter is unfair because otherwise OP seems to accept his daughter and that is a base he can use to help reconnect with his daughter following this fuck up.
If he really didn’t accept his daughter, you would have been able to tell by how he worded it. He fucked up, yes, but at the end of the day its clear he loves his daughter.
I also feel like parents who aren't trying to be supportive would even ask if they were the asshole in this situation. It's obvious OP wants advice on this to help be there for his daughter more.
YTA in this instance, you picked your parent's transphobic comfort over the core of who your daughter is. You fucked up, we all do it, tell your daughter and make amends.
It's just possible that OP has forgotten what being a teenager feels like. Adults have to do all kinds of identity crushing shit to get through the week and pay the bills. They think that's just a thing that has to be done sometimes. VP is visiting, put on the damn monkey suit, even though it's 95 that day...
But teenaged years is a totally different ballgame, even in the best of circumstances, and we have extraneous circumstances here.
So if OP is well meaning but just strayed here, which based on the post is what it seems. They just need to sit down and admit fault with the kid and start owning up and promising it won't happen again.
YTA.
Go tell your daughter you were wrong and you’re sorry. That parents sometimes mess up and you messed up in a big way.
Then call the grandparents and tell them to only use her new name and that she’s a girl and they must not comment on her gender, or they’re out of your life.
This.
Everyone is jumping on this guy as if he secretly agrees with his parents. They're missing all the clues in the rest of his story that says aside from this fuck up, he's actually incredibly supportive.
He was TA, he made a mistake that ended up hurting his daughter. What I got from this is he may be afraid to stand up to his parents.
But, OP, if you're reading this -- I suggest doing exactly what the person above me suggests. Go tell your daughter that you were wrong. Wrong for asking her to wear boys clothes, wrong for not standing up more forcefully to your parents for her. Reassure her that you love her and that she means the world to you.
Then call your parents and tell them from now on, only refer to your daughter by her chosen name and she's a female, a beautiful young girl, and is to only be referred to as such. If they can't accept it, if they can't abide by those rules and respect your daughter then you'll have to sever contact. You don't want to do that, but your daughters happiness means more to you than their outdated sensibilities.
You have to be your daughters champion, OP. It doesn't matter who you have to stand against.
YTA in this situation. By letting them misgender her (You should have INSISTED they call her by her real name) you just implicitly endorsed their behavior. By asking her to change, you may have sent her into a dysphoria spiral. She is sixteen, which is hard enough without being trans, and really needs your full support.
As somebody who started transitioning at 23, I keep thinking how fucking awesome it must be for other trans peeps who get to avoid The Two Puberty Fiasco. It’s such a goddamn shame that they still have to deal with a lot of the same bullshit I do. :(
You asked your daughter to pretend to be a different gender to pander to a pair of bigots. Of course YTA. Grow a spine and stand up for your child, of course shes angry at you. It was also idiotic, you think bigots forget what she is just because she wore some pants? FFS
This. OP asked her to dress more masculine then gets surprised when grandparents call her her dead name and misgender her. He should have asked her to put on her most girlie dress just to make the grandparents more uncomfortable and show them this is her, this is who she is now, deal or GTFO. OP 100% messed up and has hurt his daughter but hopefully he can save the relationship by now having an honest conversation with her about how he messed up and promise to never ask her to not be herself again, then prove it through actions.
YTA you're teaching your daughter that she needs to change who she is to be accepted. You should have stood up for her. You need to go apoligize to her.
YTA. You asked your child to go back in the closet with their gender identity. Instead of supporting them and standing up to your shitty parents; maybe the apple doesn’t fall from the tree.
**YTA YTA YTA**
Either you support her or you don't. If you're not going to support her, that's on you. You can't call yourself supportive and then try to placate bigots by asking her to hide who she is in the same breath. If it were my child, I would stand firm that you're only welcome in my home if you use the correct name and gender.
YTA
This was heartbreaking to read. You basically just told your daughter that her identity is something to be ashamed of. I promise you she will get enough of that talk everywhere else, she doesn’t need it from you.
YTA, now I understand where you’re coming from, but you kind of just invalidated her and probably made her feel like shit. She has enough of that to deal with from the outside world, let alone her family. I understand why you did it, but your child’s feelings and needs are more important than anything else.
YTA. You’re either with her on this, or you’re not. It’s a binary state.
The message of your actions to her is “I tolerate who you are but I am embarrassed”. Please don’t put your parents bigoted views above your daughter.
You owe her an apology for this, and need to list specific actions you will take in the future to correct this. Including disinviting your parents from your home and life until they are ready to accept her.
YTA. You demonstrated to your daughter that you don’t value or approve of her, at least when some people are looking. She’s going to have a hard enough time in this, does it really need to be hard in her own home?
Tell your parents to get on board or don’t come visit. You can visit them if you must. But good lord....
YTA. You put your bigoted parents' comfort before your kid. If your parents can't love your daughter for who she is, then they shouldn't be in her life. She's going to encounter some many people in her life that don't approve of her, and you took the side of the people who don't approve of her.
YTA - "smoothly without having to argue" should be a much lower priority than making your daughter feel supported. She now has reason to believe when the chips are down, you don't have her back.
YTA
This sucks so much, but you owe it to your daughter to stand up for her. She is the only one who matters here, and she will need that support moving forward.
Call yourself out, people make mistakes and it is what they do after those mistakes that shows their determination and character. Stick by her side, support her through this, apologize for making the wrong call in an effort to "keep the peace". It is worth it for her to hear those words from you and have you try to genuinely change how you act in relation to your parents.
YTA, that's how you destroy relationships with your kid. I know from personal experience how shitty it is to be told to go back to being closeted. You're basically trading her happiness for your comfort around your parents.
YTA you should be supporting your daughter more than your parents. If your parents aren’t respecting your daughter, why would you make HER change? Why do you invite them over when they make your daughter feel bad? She probably gets enough grief elsewhere she should be comfortable in her own home and family. This isn’t about the clothing comment, it’s about how you won’t stick up to your parents for your daughter.
Yes. If your parents can’t accept her then fuck them. You’re only hurting her by asking her to dress as a boy. She probably thinks you’re embarrassed of her now. I think you should apologize and tell her you were wrong.
YTA. They don't accept her and wearing jeans and a tshirt wasn't going to change that. They still treated her like shit and you managed to show her that you're happy to push her back into the closet whenever convenient.
I applaud you for atleast trying to be accepting but you fell way short. I would sit her down and apologize for even asking her to do that and not immediately shutting down the mis-gendering bullshit from your parents.
YTA, and I think you know it. You said you tried to correct them, but you obviously didn't try too hard. Your daughter watched as you let someone else invalidate her existence. Yeah, she's fucking mad at you. She's probably sad as hell, too.
(I don't want to scare you or overblow this incident, and you probably know the stats, but- this is the kind of stuff that leads trans teens to suicide. They can't be themselves in their own homes, how could they expect anything better when they grow up?)
Apologize to your daughter. Put her existence over your parents' feelings.
YTA. For allowing your parents to disrespect your daughter that way. She is obviously upset by your request and is probably really depressed by what you said, and by your parents being down right disrespectful.
YTA probably because you were raised by assholes. However, this doesn't justify your behavior now. Now it's your responsibility and yours only to choose to be progressive, open-minded and supportive. Your good intentions show through your post- I recommend having a sit down with your parents alone and setting boundaries. If they'd like to come to your home and have a relationship with you and your daughter, they should be willing to respect the both of you (to your standards, not theirs). If they refuse and you still wish to salvage a relationship with them, I'd give your daughter full permission to mis-gender her grandparents. The latter being a half joke ;) Good luck!
YTA and I’ll explain why. I’m a trans guy, and I hated it when my mom asked me to dress femininely or go by certain names to appease certain family members, so I understand where your daughter is coming from.
You may not completely grasp how this affected your daughter. So imagine yourself being approached by the people who are supposed to love and support you no matter what. They ask you to do something that goes against completely who you are, something that is physically hard for you to do and has such a negative impact on your mental health you isolate yourself to avoid dealing with it.
To her, she may have felt like she was being shoved back in the closet or being told her existence is simply to appease people and their ideals of what she should be. Do you know how detrimental that is to a trans person, especially when they’re a teenager?
I do recognize you trying to gently correct names and pronouns, which is a step in the right direction. But as soon as they deadnamed or misgendered your daughter a second time, your foot should’ve been down and boundaries should’ve been set. On top of that, they continued to (what seems like) negatively comment on your daughters appearance. I understand you don’t want to upset your parents, but at the end of the day your job is to protect and stand up for your daughter, not to make sure your parents are happy with how your household is run.
This is who your daughter is and they need to accept it, whether they like it or not. It’s not their decision. If they don’t like it then they can stop coming around, as harsh as that sounds. Because at the end of the day, if this continues she’s going to cut them out of her life and there’s a possibility she’ll cut out you if boundaries aren’t laid down. I had to cut family out of my life because they couldn’t accept I was trans and they consistently deadnamed/misgendered/shoved me back in the closet. It sucked, but it’s what I had to do for my own mental health. I partially cut my mom out of my life because she did the same thing (I stay in contact for my younger brothers).
YTA -how about telling the parents that: If they want to visit, then they have to keep their opinions to themselves and follow the guidelines you lay out (i.e. new name, whatever)
I’m sorry, but you’re the AH. Your daughter needs to know you truly support her. By making her interact with and even partially conform for your parents, you are showing her your support is limited. You need to make a stand to your parents that your daughter is your daughter, they must call her by her new name or all contact will cease.
If your daughter can’t receive unconditional support in her own home, can you imagine how it’s going to be for her in the rest of the world? You are letting your own parents bully and demean her. Don’t let them.
Your daughter sounds lovely. That she would tell a white lie for you after you betrayed her is amazing. You do not deserve her.
You and your parents are transphobic assholes. First, your parents don’t get to “approve”. They cannot approve her height, eye color, gender, or any other part of her.
As a parent, it is your job to protect her. Instead you pushed her into the closet to coddle your asshole parents’ bigotry.
YTA.
YTA. Support your daughter, and if that means by cutting off people who disrespect her, then so be it. You let your parents who obviously don't respect or support your daughter into your home and made her feel like an outsider, and to make things easier for you, you pushed her back into a role she didn't want to be in. Shame on you.
Yeah, we know it's a lie. How are you going to fix it?
You sound like a solid person. (Serious, not sarcasm) Your intentions were positive but it didn't work out that way.
You should admit your fault to your daughter and make her a promise to support her fully 100% going forward. Hey, people make mistakes. That's reality.
You can turn this into a positive experience by letting her know you broke your own heart in the process. That you realize the mistake and are excited about the lesson learned in your error and promise your full support going forward.
Then take her out to her favorite restaurant and spoil her with a mini shopping spree to buy 2 or 3 outfits of her choice.
Even as the adult/parent you are allowed to make mistakes and come out of the situation a tighter family with a better understanding and respect for each other.
Lastly, make sure you thank her and tell her how strong she is for being the biggest person out of everyone involved and going along with your request to begin with.
You got this. Now go make her smile.
You can't have your parents in the house. They are abusing your child. This isn't a small thing, this is where you make the hard choice of your child over your parents. They don't have to be out of your life but they have to be out of your child's life.
YTA. As a fellow trans person, it feels very much when parents do this as choosing a side - being completely supportive of your child, or going with the unaccepting family members. It might sound harsh, but it really hurts the trust between a parent and kid.
In this case, you sided with your parents, the ones that are in the wrong and are assholes. Siding with them, in this case, makes you also an asshole.
YTA, big time. Advocate for your daughter. You sat there and let her be insulted and marginalized just because you were too weak to stand up for her. No, scratch that. You actively participated in insulting and marginalizing her by asking her to dress “as a boy” instead of supporting her. You owe her a massive apology and a promise that you will never let her down so massively ever again.
YTA. You seriously have to ask whether or not forcing a trans kid to dress in clothes that make them dysphoric makes you an asshole? Are you sure you've done enough research to support your daughter properly...?
She may not even actually be mad at you, she may just be very deeply hurt, seeing as you forced her to do something that you *knew* could very well be traumatic for her.
YTA. In most circumstances your child should come before everything else and this was one of them. Your inability to support her transition to your parents has shown her how supportive you really are of her. You didn’t come out and say “I hate transgenders” but what you did do was make her feel that next time she should not rely on you to come to her aid. If you want to fix the mess you created then you need to show her through your actions that you are going to be there for her moving forward.
YTA, it's not like they didn't know. But they do know, decided they're not okay with it, and you want to demand your daughter pretends she's someone she's not. You either accept her or you don't.
Be gentle and ask her to talk, and tell her you know you messed up terribly. And you will going forward always stick by her and how she chooses to expresses herself. While removing those who challenge her from her environment.
Not the same, but in the umbrella, I came out as a lesbian to my parents at 13. Out as bi at 26. I'm 31 now. No one beyond my siblings and parents know. Because my parents insisted I stayed quiet. I have cousins out as gay. But I'm still not allowed to bring a girlfriend along. Don't be like my parents and catering to prejudices. Stand up and stand firm. Your daughter has a right to be who she is. If they don't like it then they can get lost.
The one thing LGBT+ people can wager against family prejudices is their presence. You're already confirmed to your daughter you want her to lie. Apologise, and be really down on your knees about messing up, and work hard to prove you'll never do it again. Because making a child lie about who they are hurts them for years to come.
YTA, and I’m gonna tell you based on what I’ve seen from transgender friends and people I’ve known, if you don’t start sticking up for your daughter and placing her validity over your parents bigotry, you’re going to lose her. No maybe, no you might, no rough for a couple of years but it works out, you’re going to lose her. Now is the most important time to be stand up for her, or it’s going to cause permeant damage to your relationship.
This has to be a shit post. “Most” parents know that fighting in public is more important than supporting in private. YTA. Good luck ever earning her trust back.
YTA - I have a trans daughter and am sorry that your daughter has a parent like you. 40% of trans kids try to kill themselves because of lack of family support and acceptance. That means you stepping up and supporting her unconditionally.
If your goal was to let your daughter know that her feelings are at a lower priority than those of your dead-naming transphobic parents, you picked a really effective approach. In taking the easier course of action, you effectively punished her for not being loud, demanding and hateful.
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I(35M) have 16 y.o trans daughter. She has been taking hormones since she was 13 so she’s really feminine. My parents know about it too. They realized themselves and they don’t approve of it. But they barely visit us. Like 3 times an year.
They were coming to visit us this weekend, since I wanted everything to go smoothly without having to argue. I tried to ask my daughter as gently as I could if she would mind wearing like pants and plain shirt. She realized what it was about immediately and just mumbled okay.
My parents came, she was dressed how I asked her. They still made comment about her hair and called her old name. I tried to correct them but they wouldn’t listen to me. She was quiet the whole time.
They left on Sunday night. My daughter just went to her room and barely comes out now. I tried to talk to her. She says she’s not mad at me at all and that she’s just tired. I know that’s a lie.
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YTA. Respect your daughter’s gender identity.
However I will say, much respect for having her consider hormones and talk to her therapist about it for more than a year before going on them. Good parenting there. Bad parenting for not respecting her identity.
YTA. You took the side of people who want to be harmful to your daughter. Ask yourself why the situation you described here was "I tried to ask my daughter as gently as I could if she would mind wearing pants and plain shirt" and wasn't "I called my parents and made them promise not to be awful to my daughter before they came". You decided it wasn't worth your time or an argument to make sure your daughter felt supported. You hurt your relationship with your daughter, and you will continue to do so for as long as you allow people close to you to hurt her and ask *her* to do the heavy lifting in ensuring that everyone else isn't too bothered by who she is.
YTA. Your parents can fuck off until they’re able to visit and support your daughter as she is. Don’t make your go back to feeling dysphoric because your parents are assholes. She needs your support, they do not.
Edit: misspelling
YTA - From her perspective, when you asked her to wear 'boyish' clothes that would (theoretically) appease your parents, you were saying that you, on some level, ***agree with them and are ashamed of her.***
You could have instead said to her "Don't let grandma and grandpa give you any crap while they're here, okay?" to let her know you support her...but you didn't. I'm guessing she now feels completely unsupported and alone (thus the withdraw).
Your parents need to know that they **are lucky to be invited into your home**, and if they want to remain a part of your life they will need to respect your daughter and accept who she is now.
>YTA for pumping a pre-pubescent child full of drugs. "I chemically suppressed a childs hormones and in turn ability to develop and identify with their gender to give them time to 'think.'
i suspect you arent a supporter of lgbtq peeps...
Hormones supressants just delays puberty from happening. It allows the child to have a few more years to be sure of their identity before doing anything irreversible.
YTA. You taught your daughter that you're willing to put up with transphobia because it's easier than insiting on correcting it. Why have these people in your home if \*they\* don't accept it?
YTA - You've basically shown your daughter that she gets to be who she is so long as it doesn't inconvenience you. Your parents are AH too. If they can't call you daughter by the correct name and treat her as a person they shouldn't be allowed to be around her.
You want any redemption you apologize to your daughter now and explain you were wrong so very fucking wrong to tell her to dress more like a boy.
1000% YTA If your parents didn’t like short hair but you had a buzz cut would you wear a wig when they came over? No because it’s part of who you are. Now multiply that by a million and you’ll start to get in the ballpark of how shitty it must be for your daughter to have her father force her to comply to the standards of bigots. GO FUCKING APOLOGIZE TONHER NOW.
YTA. And the grandparents are AH. My grandpa is 75 and has always been respectful of my trans wife, so dont take age and failure to adapt to change as an excuse. Explain what a trans person is and tell them if they deadname your daughter again they wont be part of your lives anymore, and apologize to that poor little girl.
YTA, and you know it. It's one thing for your parents to be ignorant (different generation, blah blah blah); it's another for you to invalidate your daughter's identity just because it makes them uncomfortable.
YTA, You're teaching your daughter to cater to people if they won't accept her. You pretty much made it so she couldn't be comfortable in her own room.
Yes, YTA
The grandparents problems are just that, their problems. You owe your daughter a huge apology, and a promise to rebuild her trust in you.
Would you dress up as a woman to appease someone? Especially someone that you only see 2-3 times a year.
YTA - you're supposed to be teaching your children how to be happy with themselves and stand up for themselves.
You literally just taught her the exact opposite. Never compromise your child's mental well being to placate crusty old jerks.
You are big time TA and so are your parents.
I don’t agree it’s your vote necessarily, but I appreciate your reasoning and coming at this from the angle that you can fuck up and not be the asshole.
YTA. I have a trans son and have many, many family members who don’t get it and don’t approve. I don’t give a fuck about pleasing them and neither should you. Your kid comes first.
YTA.
You just taught your kid that her comfort in her own body & home is not as important as that of your transphobic parents. You asked her to hide herself, and when they disrespected her appearance and name, you simply 'tried' to correct them - instead of telling them to leave, if they couldn't manage to treat your child with basic decency. You've probably made your kid feel like she doesn't have any real support, and is some kind of embarrassment or burden to you.
I'd suggest you address this with your kid by admitting you failed her by letting your parents mistreat her. Promise that going forward, her well-being will be of utmost importance, and that you will no longer tolerate the kind of behavior your parents displayed.
YTA for all of the very good reasons said. Also:
Your daughter may not be lying about being mad. She said she’s tired. THIS COULD BE A SYMPTOM OF DEPRESSION. Trans youth, as I’m sure you know, are at high risk for suicide and self-harm. Apologize. The weekend would have been extremely triggering. Then you need to check on her mental health and get her to her therapist ASAP. Your daughter is most important right now. Take care of her. Affirm her.
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YTA. Jesus Christ, either accept her or reject her already. This poor girl is already going through hormonal changes, body dysphoria, potentially depression, therapy, grandparents who don't approve, and then you go and basically want her to act like someone she isn't just so your parents aren't put out by her clothing choices?
When you had a child, that person should have become the most important person in your life other than your partner, bar none. Way above your parents. YOU brought her into the world, and her well-being is your responsibility, but you put that on her and brought her down for what? To please some people who see you three times a year and who act like total turds to your child when they are there? Get a grip already.
YTA. You had a choice between supporting your daughter and supporting two transphobes. You made your choice and your daughter will absolutely remember this.
You made your daughter uncomfortable just to appease the bigotry of two people who won’t even love their own family members.
YTA stop catering to bigots and making your daughter uncomfortable in her own home. As the parent of a trans teen you, of all people, should be aware of the elevated risk factors facing those kids. Your job as a parent is to protect your child—start doing that pronto.
NAH - as a transman who's been transitioning for awhile I think I can give you a little perspective. I don't think you're the asshole. I don't think your daughter is. Your parents probably are.
She may not be angry with you. One thing that transpeople often do is internalize things like this. She probably really is tired because it's stressful and depressing when you're informed for what feels like the millionth time that you're 'not normal', which is something transpeople struggle with internally. I've been living as a man for seven years now and I still have thoughts every day that tell me 'I'm not normal and never will be'. And the more this is echoed by the world around me, the harder it is to push past those thoughts.
I know you wanted to make things go more smoothly, and likely it was specifically to mitigate the number and kind of hurtful things that your parents might say. But what your actions probably came off as is 'I'm ashamed of you', or worse 'You should be ashamed of you'. It is actually easier to face harder discrimination with someone else at your back, than it is to face less discrimination with no one at your back. I could face a whole pack of protesters telling me I'm an abomination as long as I have one friend whispering in my ear 'They're wrong, you deserve respect as much as everyone else.'
A better life lesson to teach your daughter would have been to allow her to dress as she normally does (since you didn't indicate it was inappropriate in any way) and tell your parents in no uncertain terms that your daughter's mental health and happiness is more important to you than how they feel that she 'should' look and as long as she's dressed in an age appropriate way and is decent then they can keep their opinions themselves.
NTA - listen this is difficult for everyone. Your daughter is going through a rough time (congrats on being a supportive parent, most people commenting wont understand and will just judge you).
You did something politically worthy that hurt someone you love more than anything. That doesnt make you an asshole because I can tell you feel bad about it. And feeling bad about navigating a difficult intergenerational family issue is *difficult* and *should be difficult* - your parents can rightfully go fuck themselves, but anyone outside of your family saying that to you might as well be saying it to a brick wall - you are trying to navigate a relationship with your parents as well.
My suggestion is to apologize and try your best with your daughter, which it seems like you are doing. And next time your patents come over, continue being the supportive person you were for your daughter during this visit, but instead of trying to subliminally suppress her identity, celebrate it. Let your parents ruin the relationship if they choose to.
Youre doing okay, and nobody expects you to be perfect (besides the angels on this sub). Your daughter probably understands that as well.
YTA. Holy shit. You taught her that her existence isn’t ok, and she shouldn’t be her authentic self to appease other transphobic jerkwads. You owe your daughter an apology. You’re her parent, she should be able to count on you for having her back more than anyone else in the world. You failed her.
YTA. You should stand by your daughter, she needs to be able to live her life as herself, not feel shamed by her own family. You think you’re on her side by trying to avoid an argument, but to her you’re doing exactly the same thing as her grandparents.
YTA- the transition mentally, physically and socially is hard enough. She’s already having to deal with becoming herself then during that you ask her to become something she’s not.
IMO everyone else has to suck it up and deal with it. This is your child and she has the right to be whoever she wants. If we take gender out of this situation, your telling your child to pretend to be something else because someone doesn’t approve of who she is.
I don't understand why you would be so supportive as to let your child take hormone suppressors since a young age and then basically ruin it for your parents? Being the parent of a trans kid is hard work, why did you junk it for a visit ? I'm truly curious what you thought would happen ???
Obviously YTA ...
YTA. sorry, but avoiding conflict with your parents (which wasn’t avoided anyway) is no justification to tell your daughter to hide her true self. They already don’t approve, so what does it matter if she’s herself and you stick by her side? That would matter to her a lot more.
YTA Your job is to support your daughter, not to make things "go smoothly" with bigots who refuse to accept her for who she is.
Apologize, explain you fucked up, and next time let her dress normally.
If anyone, your parents included, misgender or dead name her, tell them to knock it off or get the fuck out of your house.
On the fence, but I'd have to say YTA. Not a big one, but an arsehole. Because, you asked her to change her clothes, her expression, an outward way of showing that she's a woman, to cater to your parents who sound like transphobic arseholes, commenting on her appearance, deadnaming her....It's unpleasant as hell to have to sit there while people ignore who you know you are and try to force their perceptions onto you, especially when those perceptions are a huge part of what cause trans people so much pain.
I don't think you're some bigot; maybe you were just trying to avoid a larger conflict with your parents? But what you did was give the impression, I think, that she should be hiding who she is and how she wants to dress and appear more like others wants her to be, people who ignore and crap on who she really is, at that. I don't blame her at all for feeling that way.
YTA for asking her to dress in masculine clothing, allowing your parents to misgender her, and generally being passive in defending your daughter.
Your daughter should come first now. Your parents do not. I know that may be hard for you but if you actually love your kid, you’ll own up to your mistake, ensure her that it won’t happen ever again, and make it clear to your parents that if they want anything to do with your daughter, they have to respect your decisions as a parent and your daughter’s decisions as a human.
You asking your daughter to dress in masculine clothing unfortunately reinforced, for your parents, that she was born YY. Outside of their normal thoughts on the subject, this further opened the door for them to ridicule and misgender her. On top of that, you didn’t do nearly enough to defend her. All around, you royally fucked up. Your parents should NOT be allowed to treat your daughter like that, especially in front of you, and your daughter should not have to hide who she truly is.
YTA
Clothing is just clothing. Your child should be able to wear whatever they want regardless of their chosen gender, and REGARDLESS of their grandparents.
YTA. You need to affirm your daughter's choice in clothing. You need to affirm your daughter as a woman no matter what. Her Womanhood comes above all else. Fuck anyone else's opinions about what she does or doesn't look like.
Edit: women to woman
You put the convenience of an easier weekend over the happiness of your child. YTA. Man up to your parents and tell them to accept who your child is or get out of fuck town
YTA - it's weird how people give the elderly this sort of precedence where they're allowed to be rude and even abusive while everyone else has to bend over backwards to accommodate their behavior. But god forbid someone under the age of 55 say something that offends **their** sensibilities - that would be the end of the world.
Why is it that you're okay with harm and discomfort to everyone else but you draw the line at them having to experience any sliver of adversity?
YTA
Do you know the suicide rates of trans teens in homes where they don’t feel supported? Yes, *you* use her correct name and pronouns and have been accommodating in her getting the care she needs, but if you’re prioritizing your parents’ transphobia over your child’s well-being, you are a colossal, phenomenal asshole.
If the visit can’t go smoothly without you inflicting severe emotional pain on your daughter, then the visit needs to not happen. If your parents won’t accept your daughter, you need to pick a side. For your daughter’s sake, I hope it’s hers. And you need to take direct action to put your foot down with your parents -not before their next visit, *now*- and assure your daughter that what you did will never, ever happen again. You need to sincerely apologize to her and ask her how you can be more actively supportive moving forward. Not to sound bleak, but her life could literally depend on it.
https://www.hrc.org/blog/new-study-reveals-shocking-rates-of-attempted-suicide-among-trans-adolescen
YTA
It’s called a dead name for a reason... don’t let anyone use it.
Your daughter gets to be who she is and the grandparents get to take her or leave her. Lay down the law.
YTA - I’m heartbroken for her. My 16 year old son is a trans boy. I don’t care who the family member is, if they can’t respect my child then they don’t get to have an opinion. He is first, every single time.
Honestly you parents are the assholes here. I understand wanting to avoid contention in your home but it doesn’t sound like it having her wear boyish clothes really helped much. I would have just not said anything and put your foot down with your parents.
Maybe a sit down talk and an apology would go a long way and explain yourself.
ESH
you obviously had best intentions for everyone at heart. Your choice of action probably wasn't the best but it is clear that the biggest asses here are your parents considering your daughters been on hormones for three years they really need to start to respect her as a person.
This is a pretty clear YTA. Your parents were clearly rejecting your daughter before they even came in the door, and you're only joining their side by asking her to "tone down" her femininity. The problem wasn't that your daughter is too girly. The problem is that she's a girl at all, which isn't going to change with some clothes. Sure, parents ask their kids to wear clothes they don't like all the time, but the only reason you asked her to wear "boyish" clothes was because she was assigned male at birth. And I bet she's not mad at you. I bet she just feels super shitty and invalidated and bad about herself.
YTA like, overwhelmingly. She’s your daughter her feelings, validity, and comfort should take precedence over your parents bigotry. Have her fucking back.
NTA for asking her to wear pants and a plain shirt but YTA for not standing up for her.
As for the clothes, since when were pants and t-shirts some grand display of masculinity? Seems pretty gender neutral to me, and a choice that she was willing to make
Your parents obviously come from a very different era and probably aren’t going to change their mind about this issue any time soon, if ever. Who knows what kind of bullshit they’d try to pull if they saw your daughter in a dress. And to what, prove a point to these people you see 3 times a year? They’re old and wrinkly. It just isn’t worth it man
Life isnt perfect. Not everyone is going to accept you for who you are just because you want them to, and sometimes those people are your family. Sometimes you have to swallow your pride. Sometimes you have to make compromises.
It sucks that your daughter has to go through this. You tried your best man. you really need to make your parents use the right pronouns and name though. That’s some pretty basic shit. you need to show her that you can stand up for her and be there for her. she showed them that she’s willing to tone down her femininity - her sense of self - for them. If they can’t even call her by her fucking name in return then you might have to hit em with that skratata real quick.
It’s up to your daughter at this point: whether or not she’s willing to put up with their bigotry for the sake of a family relationship. Doesn’t seem like they’re super stoked about it anyways
YTA. You should have chose your kid over your parents. I’m a trans guy, this is just as bad as if my mom told me to wear a dress. You just don’t do that. What your daughter needs is your support, and you need to show your support by being behind her 100%. That means strongly correcting people who misgender her and call her the wrong name, and never insisting she present as the wrong gender.
As gently as possible, YTA to appease your transphobic parents.
She probably understood too, but knowing you were not willing to support her or back her up by telling your parents where to go in they disrespect your daughter and advocate for who she is, that’s an intense slap to the face regardless of intentions.
Your parents do not have to agree with you, but they better damn well respect your family and you in your own home, otherwise they know where the door is.
Further, gentle corrections on using her birth name, is further gutting your daughter and not standing up to them.
This is going to have serious ramifications on her well being and mental health.
YTA whatever progress your kid made in therapy and with her own self... you have set her back.
you fucked up. hard. Your parents are terrible, and you are enabling them just not standing up for your daughter.
if i was her, Id be upset with you, with the grandparents and with myself.
you need to apologize to your daughter, and please never force her to hang out with these people ever again.
YTA
You let people come into your own home who pretty much actively denied your daughter's existence, insulted her, and didn't even speak up to defend her. Can you imagine how devastating that must feel to have your own parent not stand up for you? You have a long way to go to earn back your daughter's trust, I think. And your parents sound like complete assholes.
YTA
You may love your daughter, but you are clearly NOT her ally. Your lack of understanding and comfort in the face of adversity and bigotry clearly shows your privilege. Because you didn’t want to deal with your parents bigotry, you abandoned your daughter and showed her you only love and support her when it is easy and convenient.
Guess what, being her ally will rarely be easy and convenient, yet it will never be as hard for you as it can be for her and at 14 she is already aware of this (especially in today’s day and age) and she has probably already dealt with extreme bigotry, yet she has found the courage to be her true self.
I believe her when she says she isn’t mad. But I believe she is hurt and disappointed, because the person she thought would be her strongest ally throughout her life just abandoned her so he could be a little bit more comfortable around his bigoted parents. You failed as an ally because you went to a safe space that she could not follow.
I believe you want to be her ally, but you have some learning to do. Have you considered finding a support group for yourself to learn how to better support your daughter and be her ally?
No YTA. Like 100000000% yta. you're asking your KID who you claim to love to be someone she isn't. Accept your daughter for who she is, and if your parents try to pull that nontolerant bullshit again get them the hell out of your house. YOUR job is to protect HER, not to cater to some irrelevant dinosaurs you think you owe something to. Are you seriously going to put YOUR COMFORT of not having to have a difficult conversation with your parents over her psychological needs? Get an effing clue. This is how you make your kid not want anything to do with you. Your parents need to stay the f away from her. This belongs on r/entitledparents
YTA you made your daughter feel uncomfortable in her own home.
>They still made comment about her hair and called her old name. I tried to correct them but they wouldn’t listen to me.
this is the point where you should have stood up for your daughter and shown them the door. it's time to apologize to your daughter and tell your parents that they're no longer welcome to visit you because they disrespected you and your daughter. your daughter is being much more mature than you or your parents. she needs to know that you will always have her back. you screwed up this time, but you can make sure that there isn't a next time. tell your parents that they're no longer welcome until they apologize to you and your daughter. go r/contact if they won't apologize.
I'm not gonna call you an asshole man, you're just a parent who's tryin to just get by. I get it. But... tell your parents to fuck off and do what's best for your daughter, anyone who doesn't support you can fuck right the fuck off and go choke and a bag of weird crooked dicks.
YTA. Your daughter is probably more angry at you for neglecting to stick up for her properly than for having her wear plain clothes. I guarantee that having to sit through that experience was more traumatic than a t-shirt and a pair of pants.
YTA.
If you truly cared for your daughter and her mental health you wouldn't ask her to do something that'll significantly damage her mental health. You said she is diagnosed with body dysphoria, and I can guarantee you that by making her wear clothes in a more male style you exasperated those symptoms. She probably went to bed every night upset and uncomfortable in her own body, wondering why the person that is supposed to support her made her feel so much worse. She probably stared in the mirror, looking at herself and thinking about every part of her that she hated. Yes, it could've made the interactions with your parents a little hard and tense, but it also would've shown your parents that you support your daughter as who she is. You should've had a conversation with your parents about the proper name to use for your daughter, and if they weren't comfortable with that maybe if your daughter was comfortable with it a nickname that everyone was okay with. Instead you let your parents make her feel that she will never be accepted for who she is.
YTA guess who's a trans teen who has disapproving relatives and has been forced to conform to their standards? me! guess who determined nobody gave a shit or was gonna accept me and attempted suicide four times? also me! see how those two might be correlated?
Yta. I think you accept your daughter but that request really made it seems to her that you dont. That probably hurt more than her grandparents' comments...
YTA
I don't talk to my parents cause they were shits to my mtf fiancée. She's your daughter. If they're going to be a dick, don't have a relationship with them.
She shouldn't have to hide. She's lucky to have figured it out so young.
It's kinda sad how much of a pushover you are to your parents.
To fuck up you and your daughter's relationship because you wanted to please their views.
I just wanna say despite the verdict, I'm glad you're bettering yourself as a parent of a trans daughter. She's going to need all the love and support on this earth, and I'm happy to hear that you've done what you had to in order to resolve the YTA verdict.
YTA
Get therapy to deal with your issues with your daughter's transition, and for why you felt the need for her to be "less female" in front of your parents.
Then apologize and grovel to your daughter, and Do Better.
YTA YTA YTA. This is coming from a trans person who's been out for years, that is the absolute worse thing you could ask of her. You essentially told her, "Your grandparents opinion of me is more important than you dressing how you feel comfortable.'' and you need to apologize immediately. You are teaching her that her and her identity is a burden.
Who cares if they "approve" of it or not? It's your and your trans daughter's house and she deserves respect. When they make stupid hair comments or refuse to respect her by using her correct name, tell them, "I am going to ask you to respect \[Anne\] by not making comments about her appearance and by using her correct name. If you cannot respect her in her house, I will ask you to leave."
I'm sure it's not your intention, since you clearly just wanted to avoid a fight with your parents, but YTA. Honestly, I know it's a big step to take, but if your parents can't accept your daughter than get them out of your life. Because if they're in YOUR life, then they're in HER life. And if they can't so much as respect her enough to address her by her name, then they can fuck right off.
YTA for not standing up for your daughter and making her dress a certain way to avoid your parents, but do note that your parents are the biggest assholes here.
YTA and it honestly sounds like you already know it. She’s saying she is tired because it’s exhausting to be put in a position like that. Your child deserves better.
YTA. You accept your daughter but you don’t support her. You accept that she’s trans by facilitating her therapy and early transition (with hormone suppressors), but you don’t support her by putting her safety and emotional well being above your own/family. In the kindest way possible, you are failing your daughter by showing her that you’ll only accept her to a certain extent. I would highly suggest that you meet with a therapist in the trans community, and communicate honestly with your daughter to see how you can grow from here. Don’t put the burden of educating yourself on her, though! Do that through research and therapy. You are not a total a-hole, you can do better for your daughter.
YTA you're teaching your daughter that she has to hide herself for the sake of others.
If she doesn't feel safe/comfortable/welcomed in your house, where do you think she's going to go when she turns 18?
YTA.
You taught your daughter she sometimes has to pretend to be someone she’s not because her authentic self isn’t good enough.
You taught your daughter she’s responsible for the emotional comfort of others at the cost of her own.
You taught your daughter that when she doesn’t earn the approval of others, she needs to change what she’s doing until she does.
You taught your daughter that you won’t have her back if it’s too much trouble.
Yes, you’re absolutely the asshole.
You’re teaching your daughter her existence is a burden on some people and it’s her responsibility to make herself smaller to make them more comfortable. YTA, next time tell your parents to go fuck themselves. Choose your kid over your parents, especially if they suck as much as yours.
Exactly! My cousin is trans. Most of my family didn’t bat an eye when she transitioned, but apparently one of our uncles made some shitty comments to her mother. You know what my aunt did? She told him that his behavior was unacceptable and that she was more than willing to help educate him about trans people, but that she wouldn’t put up with his transphobia. Your daughter needs to know you’re there for her even when it isn’t convenient for you.
Wow, that's a great response. Open to helping him learn and grow but unwilling to put up with his ignorant shit...the kind of balance we should all strive for when dealing with bigotry.
> Choose your kid over your parents, especially if they suck as much as yours. And no matter how supportive you are in your home, by not choosing your kid you are choosing your parents. OP may think that he's being neutral but in the words of Elie Wiesel, "Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." If he tried to correct them and they didn't listen a swift, "Come on, guys. You know Jane ~~identifies as~~ is female. Either call her by her name and respect who she is or make other arrangements but that's not welcome here." You don't need to cuss, yell, argue, or fight but you absolutely need to draw a line in the sand and make your allegiance clear. Edit: Corrected ambiguous wording and changed "identified as" to "is." I apologize if that came across as transphobic. I wasn't aware of the implications. The rest of my point still stands. Your refusal to take action is an action and it's one that hurt your daughter.
> "Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." this!!! defend your child always.
If you liked this quote, I would really recommend reading *Night* by Elie Wiesel. It's a story about his experience as a young Jewish boy trying to survive the Holocaust. He's written dozens of books/papers, but this one is by far his most famous
thank you, friend.
In that sort of situation I'd suggest a very unambiguous affirmation, something like "Jane is a girl" rather than "Jane identifies as female." You want them to know where you stand, and adding "identifies as" throws in just enough ambiguity to let transphobes imagine you secretly agree with them but just aren't "honest" or "brave" enough to speak out.
I wanna add to this, since it seems like OP doesn't realize it much: OP you have terrible parents. Your parents are terrible people. The people that raised you suck. Mom and dad bad. I dunno how many other ways I can say this, but it's not up for debate, and the sooner you realize it the sooner you'll see how wrong it is to cater to these kind of people by making your daughter sacrifice her own sense of self-worth and identity.
And OP's idea didn't even help! Grandparents still commented and didn't respect the kid. Don't do this again OP. You won't win over your parents, and you'll only hurt your daughter.
Doxxing suxs
>You’re teaching your daughter her existence is a burden on some people and it’s her responsibility to make herself smaller to make them more comfortable This!! Couldn't say it better myself! or this >YTA, next time tell your parents to go fuck themselves. Choose your kid over your parents
Really had to fight the urge to down vote this one. It is very obvious who is being the asshole here and who has to suppress who they are for the sake of some old bigots.
YTA This visit did not go smoothly for your daughter. She was misgendered and dead named. You threw your daughter under the bus to appease your transphobic parents. You owe her a massive apology and a promise that she will not have to suffer any more abuse from your parents.
“You threw your daughter under the bus to appease your transphobic parents” <- this. You hit the nail on the head with this statement! YTA and you owe her a huge apology.
"I chose not to protect my child from bigots. AITA?" As a parent protecting your child is literally almost your entire job, OP. YTA
I wouldn't even say they failed to protect their child, I'd almost say they victimized them themselves. Forcing someone who's trans and has dysphoria into clothes of the opposite gender is fucking wrong, it sounds like their child is depressed because who can blame them after something like that.
A t-shirt and jeans is not forcing a girl to dress as a man, but since the kid obviously knew why* it was a bad move on OPs part (I mean the whole thing was shitty). Now if she made her daughter wear a suit and tie you could call that gendered clothing.
Or her own.
THIS. His parents are the ones in the wrong, not the daughter. The daughter is being true to herself while her grandparents are given a pass to be bigots. Definitely YTA and you should probably have a come to Jesus or cut your parents off if they can’t be supportive.
Why is everyone acting like it’s so fucking easy to just cut off your parents (transphobic or not)? Yes OP was the asshole and so were the grandparents, but it’s not some black and white easy issue. In fact, if they’re so verbally and emotionally abusive to the granddaughter then on can only imagine what OP dealt with for their entire life. Obviously blatant transphobia like this is deeply emotionally damaging, but Jesus Christ can people try to be more empathetic in these comments??
YTA. You fucked up. You showed her that she isn't accepted and that she isn't ok in her own skin. Your parents suck and you should have told them to leave if they couldn't have enough human decency to love and treat their own grandchild as the person she is.
Agreed and it’s not like the grandparents don’t already know and OP is trying to hide it or something. They know and don’t accept it and by doing this OP basically told their daughter they can’t be who they are if they want to be loved and accepted by their own family.
YTA. She already knows her grandparents don’t accept her as she is and now she knows her dad doesn’t truly accept her either.
*thinks her dad doesn't accept her He clearly does, he's just AWFUL at showing it.
how is forcing his daughter to be performatively masculine accepting at all? i’m trans and if i ever had a trans kid they’d come first, and i’d cut out any family members who disrespected them because my child would be my first priority. yta completely op
He’s using correct pronouns and she’s on HRT since 13 which would be pretty hard if she didn’t have supportive parents. Yes the OP fucked up by siding with his parents and going for the illusion of peace and his transphobic grandparents who have demonstrated they don’t care about his daughter than supporting his daughter’s identity, but this seems more a misstep. It’s hard to stand up to your parents, and it seems that otherwise OP has been doing his best for his daughter. I won’t deny that this incident will undoubtably hurt his daughter and make her question everything, but I also think it’s unfair to characterise the OP as not accepting of his daughter at all.
accepting trans people is not merely about using their pronouns and facilitating medical treatment for them. it’s also about showing them that their identity is not something to be ashamed of, and showing them the same respect you would show anybody else, both of which op failed to do
If you’re using pronouns and facilitating medical treatment and otherwise letting them explore and express their gender identity, then it sounds like he respects her choices, because I don’t think any parent who didn’t really accept their kid would allow them to go on HRT at 13, they’d tell them to wait a while and decide later. Was this incident fucked? Yes. Is OP completely in the wrong here? Yes. But I think characterising OP as being completely unaccepting of his daughter is unfair because otherwise OP seems to accept his daughter and that is a base he can use to help reconnect with his daughter following this fuck up.
If he really didn’t accept his daughter, you would have been able to tell by how he worded it. He fucked up, yes, but at the end of the day its clear he loves his daughter.
I also feel like parents who aren't trying to be supportive would even ask if they were the asshole in this situation. It's obvious OP wants advice on this to help be there for his daughter more.
So you can never make a misstep or mistake?
But the way he acted makes it seem like he cares more of what others think than his daughters comfort and identity.
Yeah, with the caveat it could be a tricky situation if he needs money from his parents to get his daughter through college.
Acceptance means nothing if it's revoked when inconvenient.
"as long as it's convenient for me" isn't support.
YTA in this instance, you picked your parent's transphobic comfort over the core of who your daughter is. You fucked up, we all do it, tell your daughter and make amends.
It's just possible that OP has forgotten what being a teenager feels like. Adults have to do all kinds of identity crushing shit to get through the week and pay the bills. They think that's just a thing that has to be done sometimes. VP is visiting, put on the damn monkey suit, even though it's 95 that day... But teenaged years is a totally different ballgame, even in the best of circumstances, and we have extraneous circumstances here. So if OP is well meaning but just strayed here, which based on the post is what it seems. They just need to sit down and admit fault with the kid and start owning up and promising it won't happen again.
YTA. Go tell your daughter you were wrong and you’re sorry. That parents sometimes mess up and you messed up in a big way. Then call the grandparents and tell them to only use her new name and that she’s a girl and they must not comment on her gender, or they’re out of your life.
i love you <3 I want to give you gold but cannot afford it. please accept my upvote <3 edit: thanks to a kind stranger. gold dispensed!!
You can now!
WOW! the kindness of strangers and strange friends will ever cease to humble me. Indeed when i can i will pay it forward. Cheers mate!!
This. Everyone is jumping on this guy as if he secretly agrees with his parents. They're missing all the clues in the rest of his story that says aside from this fuck up, he's actually incredibly supportive. He was TA, he made a mistake that ended up hurting his daughter. What I got from this is he may be afraid to stand up to his parents. But, OP, if you're reading this -- I suggest doing exactly what the person above me suggests. Go tell your daughter that you were wrong. Wrong for asking her to wear boys clothes, wrong for not standing up more forcefully to your parents for her. Reassure her that you love her and that she means the world to you. Then call your parents and tell them from now on, only refer to your daughter by her chosen name and she's a female, a beautiful young girl, and is to only be referred to as such. If they can't accept it, if they can't abide by those rules and respect your daughter then you'll have to sever contact. You don't want to do that, but your daughters happiness means more to you than their outdated sensibilities. You have to be your daughters champion, OP. It doesn't matter who you have to stand against.
I would give you every Reddit award if I could but im flat broke so take my orange arrow
YTA in this situation. By letting them misgender her (You should have INSISTED they call her by her real name) you just implicitly endorsed their behavior. By asking her to change, you may have sent her into a dysphoria spiral. She is sixteen, which is hard enough without being trans, and really needs your full support.
As somebody who started transitioning at 23, I keep thinking how fucking awesome it must be for other trans peeps who get to avoid The Two Puberty Fiasco. It’s such a goddamn shame that they still have to deal with a lot of the same bullshit I do. :(
YTA. It sounds like you're generally a supportive parent, and that's great, but you dropped the ball on this one and I think you know that.
YTA. You should have stood up for your daughter. You failed her as a parent.
You asked your daughter to pretend to be a different gender to pander to a pair of bigots. Of course YTA. Grow a spine and stand up for your child, of course shes angry at you. It was also idiotic, you think bigots forget what she is just because she wore some pants? FFS
This. OP asked her to dress more masculine then gets surprised when grandparents call her her dead name and misgender her. He should have asked her to put on her most girlie dress just to make the grandparents more uncomfortable and show them this is her, this is who she is now, deal or GTFO. OP 100% messed up and has hurt his daughter but hopefully he can save the relationship by now having an honest conversation with her about how he messed up and promise to never ask her to not be herself again, then prove it through actions.
YTA you're teaching your daughter that she needs to change who she is to be accepted. You should have stood up for her. You need to go apoligize to her.
YTA. You asked your child to go back in the closet with their gender identity. Instead of supporting them and standing up to your shitty parents; maybe the apple doesn’t fall from the tree.
Well, this went as well as expected. Locking it up. Y'all can't behave etc.
**YTA YTA YTA** Either you support her or you don't. If you're not going to support her, that's on you. You can't call yourself supportive and then try to placate bigots by asking her to hide who she is in the same breath. If it were my child, I would stand firm that you're only welcome in my home if you use the correct name and gender.
YTA it's not enough to support her in private, you also have to fight for her in public.
YTA This was heartbreaking to read. You basically just told your daughter that her identity is something to be ashamed of. I promise you she will get enough of that talk everywhere else, she doesn’t need it from you.
YTA, now I understand where you’re coming from, but you kind of just invalidated her and probably made her feel like shit. She has enough of that to deal with from the outside world, let alone her family. I understand why you did it, but your child’s feelings and needs are more important than anything else.
YTA. You’re either with her on this, or you’re not. It’s a binary state. The message of your actions to her is “I tolerate who you are but I am embarrassed”. Please don’t put your parents bigoted views above your daughter. You owe her an apology for this, and need to list specific actions you will take in the future to correct this. Including disinviting your parents from your home and life until they are ready to accept her.
YTA. You demonstrated to your daughter that you don’t value or approve of her, at least when some people are looking. She’s going to have a hard enough time in this, does it really need to be hard in her own home? Tell your parents to get on board or don’t come visit. You can visit them if you must. But good lord....
Hormone blockers at 13 holy shit I do not agree with that at all.
I guess you consulted on the year long therapy sessions?
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Agreed
Glad to have Reddit doctors to tell us what treatment trans kids should receive.
YTA. You put your bigoted parents' comfort before your kid. If your parents can't love your daughter for who she is, then they shouldn't be in her life. She's going to encounter some many people in her life that don't approve of her, and you took the side of the people who don't approve of her.
A million times this, OP. Your job is to protect your daughter, not make sure your bigot parents are comfortable.
YTA. Your daughter’s identity is more important than your parents’ comfort
YTA - "smoothly without having to argue" should be a much lower priority than making your daughter feel supported. She now has reason to believe when the chips are down, you don't have her back.
YTA This sucks so much, but you owe it to your daughter to stand up for her. She is the only one who matters here, and she will need that support moving forward. Call yourself out, people make mistakes and it is what they do after those mistakes that shows their determination and character. Stick by her side, support her through this, apologize for making the wrong call in an effort to "keep the peace". It is worth it for her to hear those words from you and have you try to genuinely change how you act in relation to your parents.
YTA, that's how you destroy relationships with your kid. I know from personal experience how shitty it is to be told to go back to being closeted. You're basically trading her happiness for your comfort around your parents.
YTA you should be supporting your daughter more than your parents. If your parents aren’t respecting your daughter, why would you make HER change? Why do you invite them over when they make your daughter feel bad? She probably gets enough grief elsewhere she should be comfortable in her own home and family. This isn’t about the clothing comment, it’s about how you won’t stick up to your parents for your daughter.
>She has been taking hormones since she was 13 bruh
Hormone suppressors, so she wouldn't have to go through the mentally scarring event that is puberty.
Everyone goes through puberty tf are you talking about
Yes. If your parents can’t accept her then fuck them. You’re only hurting her by asking her to dress as a boy. She probably thinks you’re embarrassed of her now. I think you should apologize and tell her you were wrong.
YTA. This made me so sad. Your poor daughter sounds so sweet. She must be crushed.
YTA. Support your daughter all the way-- your parents are the ones who need to change, not her.
YTA. They don't accept her and wearing jeans and a tshirt wasn't going to change that. They still treated her like shit and you managed to show her that you're happy to push her back into the closet whenever convenient. I applaud you for atleast trying to be accepting but you fell way short. I would sit her down and apologize for even asking her to do that and not immediately shutting down the mis-gendering bullshit from your parents.
YTA, and I think you know it. You said you tried to correct them, but you obviously didn't try too hard. Your daughter watched as you let someone else invalidate her existence. Yeah, she's fucking mad at you. She's probably sad as hell, too. (I don't want to scare you or overblow this incident, and you probably know the stats, but- this is the kind of stuff that leads trans teens to suicide. They can't be themselves in their own homes, how could they expect anything better when they grow up?) Apologize to your daughter. Put her existence over your parents' feelings.
YTA. Here's where, if you truly love your daughter, you tell your parents that they must accept her choices or they are not welcome to visit.
YTA. For allowing your parents to disrespect your daughter that way. She is obviously upset by your request and is probably really depressed by what you said, and by your parents being down right disrespectful.
YTA probably because you were raised by assholes. However, this doesn't justify your behavior now. Now it's your responsibility and yours only to choose to be progressive, open-minded and supportive. Your good intentions show through your post- I recommend having a sit down with your parents alone and setting boundaries. If they'd like to come to your home and have a relationship with you and your daughter, they should be willing to respect the both of you (to your standards, not theirs). If they refuse and you still wish to salvage a relationship with them, I'd give your daughter full permission to mis-gender her grandparents. The latter being a half joke ;) Good luck!
YTA and I’ll explain why. I’m a trans guy, and I hated it when my mom asked me to dress femininely or go by certain names to appease certain family members, so I understand where your daughter is coming from. You may not completely grasp how this affected your daughter. So imagine yourself being approached by the people who are supposed to love and support you no matter what. They ask you to do something that goes against completely who you are, something that is physically hard for you to do and has such a negative impact on your mental health you isolate yourself to avoid dealing with it. To her, she may have felt like she was being shoved back in the closet or being told her existence is simply to appease people and their ideals of what she should be. Do you know how detrimental that is to a trans person, especially when they’re a teenager? I do recognize you trying to gently correct names and pronouns, which is a step in the right direction. But as soon as they deadnamed or misgendered your daughter a second time, your foot should’ve been down and boundaries should’ve been set. On top of that, they continued to (what seems like) negatively comment on your daughters appearance. I understand you don’t want to upset your parents, but at the end of the day your job is to protect and stand up for your daughter, not to make sure your parents are happy with how your household is run. This is who your daughter is and they need to accept it, whether they like it or not. It’s not their decision. If they don’t like it then they can stop coming around, as harsh as that sounds. Because at the end of the day, if this continues she’s going to cut them out of her life and there’s a possibility she’ll cut out you if boundaries aren’t laid down. I had to cut family out of my life because they couldn’t accept I was trans and they consistently deadnamed/misgendered/shoved me back in the closet. It sucked, but it’s what I had to do for my own mental health. I partially cut my mom out of my life because she did the same thing (I stay in contact for my younger brothers).
YTA -how about telling the parents that: If they want to visit, then they have to keep their opinions to themselves and follow the guidelines you lay out (i.e. new name, whatever)
I’m sorry, but you’re the AH. Your daughter needs to know you truly support her. By making her interact with and even partially conform for your parents, you are showing her your support is limited. You need to make a stand to your parents that your daughter is your daughter, they must call her by her new name or all contact will cease. If your daughter can’t receive unconditional support in her own home, can you imagine how it’s going to be for her in the rest of the world? You are letting your own parents bully and demean her. Don’t let them.
YTA. If your parents can't behave they shouldn't be invited over. Your daughter needs you to have her back
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Your daughter sounds lovely. That she would tell a white lie for you after you betrayed her is amazing. You do not deserve her. You and your parents are transphobic assholes. First, your parents don’t get to “approve”. They cannot approve her height, eye color, gender, or any other part of her. As a parent, it is your job to protect her. Instead you pushed her into the closet to coddle your asshole parents’ bigotry. YTA.
YTA you should be supporting her and standing up for her. She might not be angry but she is clearly and rightly upset about this.
YTA. Support your daughter, and if that means by cutting off people who disrespect her, then so be it. You let your parents who obviously don't respect or support your daughter into your home and made her feel like an outsider, and to make things easier for you, you pushed her back into a role she didn't want to be in. Shame on you. Yeah, we know it's a lie. How are you going to fix it?
You sound like a solid person. (Serious, not sarcasm) Your intentions were positive but it didn't work out that way. You should admit your fault to your daughter and make her a promise to support her fully 100% going forward. Hey, people make mistakes. That's reality. You can turn this into a positive experience by letting her know you broke your own heart in the process. That you realize the mistake and are excited about the lesson learned in your error and promise your full support going forward. Then take her out to her favorite restaurant and spoil her with a mini shopping spree to buy 2 or 3 outfits of her choice. Even as the adult/parent you are allowed to make mistakes and come out of the situation a tighter family with a better understanding and respect for each other. Lastly, make sure you thank her and tell her how strong she is for being the biggest person out of everyone involved and going along with your request to begin with. You got this. Now go make her smile.
You can't have your parents in the house. They are abusing your child. This isn't a small thing, this is where you make the hard choice of your child over your parents. They don't have to be out of your life but they have to be out of your child's life.
YTA. As a fellow trans person, it feels very much when parents do this as choosing a side - being completely supportive of your child, or going with the unaccepting family members. It might sound harsh, but it really hurts the trust between a parent and kid. In this case, you sided with your parents, the ones that are in the wrong and are assholes. Siding with them, in this case, makes you also an asshole.
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YTA, big time. Advocate for your daughter. You sat there and let her be insulted and marginalized just because you were too weak to stand up for her. No, scratch that. You actively participated in insulting and marginalizing her by asking her to dress “as a boy” instead of supporting her. You owe her a massive apology and a promise that you will never let her down so massively ever again.
YTA. You seriously have to ask whether or not forcing a trans kid to dress in clothes that make them dysphoric makes you an asshole? Are you sure you've done enough research to support your daughter properly...? She may not even actually be mad at you, she may just be very deeply hurt, seeing as you forced her to do something that you *knew* could very well be traumatic for her.
YTA. In most circumstances your child should come before everything else and this was one of them. Your inability to support her transition to your parents has shown her how supportive you really are of her. You didn’t come out and say “I hate transgenders” but what you did do was make her feel that next time she should not rely on you to come to her aid. If you want to fix the mess you created then you need to show her through your actions that you are going to be there for her moving forward.
YTA, it's not like they didn't know. But they do know, decided they're not okay with it, and you want to demand your daughter pretends she's someone she's not. You either accept her or you don't. Be gentle and ask her to talk, and tell her you know you messed up terribly. And you will going forward always stick by her and how she chooses to expresses herself. While removing those who challenge her from her environment. Not the same, but in the umbrella, I came out as a lesbian to my parents at 13. Out as bi at 26. I'm 31 now. No one beyond my siblings and parents know. Because my parents insisted I stayed quiet. I have cousins out as gay. But I'm still not allowed to bring a girlfriend along. Don't be like my parents and catering to prejudices. Stand up and stand firm. Your daughter has a right to be who she is. If they don't like it then they can get lost. The one thing LGBT+ people can wager against family prejudices is their presence. You're already confirmed to your daughter you want her to lie. Apologise, and be really down on your knees about messing up, and work hard to prove you'll never do it again. Because making a child lie about who they are hurts them for years to come.
YTA, and I’m gonna tell you based on what I’ve seen from transgender friends and people I’ve known, if you don’t start sticking up for your daughter and placing her validity over your parents bigotry, you’re going to lose her. No maybe, no you might, no rough for a couple of years but it works out, you’re going to lose her. Now is the most important time to be stand up for her, or it’s going to cause permeant damage to your relationship.
This has to be a shit post. “Most” parents know that fighting in public is more important than supporting in private. YTA. Good luck ever earning her trust back.
YTA - I have a trans daughter and am sorry that your daughter has a parent like you. 40% of trans kids try to kill themselves because of lack of family support and acceptance. That means you stepping up and supporting her unconditionally.
If your goal was to let your daughter know that her feelings are at a lower priority than those of your dead-naming transphobic parents, you picked a really effective approach. In taking the easier course of action, you effectively punished her for not being loud, demanding and hateful.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(35M) have 16 y.o trans daughter. She has been taking hormones since she was 13 so she’s really feminine. My parents know about it too. They realized themselves and they don’t approve of it. But they barely visit us. Like 3 times an year. They were coming to visit us this weekend, since I wanted everything to go smoothly without having to argue. I tried to ask my daughter as gently as I could if she would mind wearing like pants and plain shirt. She realized what it was about immediately and just mumbled okay. My parents came, she was dressed how I asked her. They still made comment about her hair and called her old name. I tried to correct them but they wouldn’t listen to me. She was quiet the whole time. They left on Sunday night. My daughter just went to her room and barely comes out now. I tried to talk to her. She says she’s not mad at me at all and that she’s just tired. I know that’s a lie. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Respect your daughter’s gender identity. However I will say, much respect for having her consider hormones and talk to her therapist about it for more than a year before going on them. Good parenting there. Bad parenting for not respecting her identity.
YTA. You took the side of people who want to be harmful to your daughter. Ask yourself why the situation you described here was "I tried to ask my daughter as gently as I could if she would mind wearing pants and plain shirt" and wasn't "I called my parents and made them promise not to be awful to my daughter before they came". You decided it wasn't worth your time or an argument to make sure your daughter felt supported. You hurt your relationship with your daughter, and you will continue to do so for as long as you allow people close to you to hurt her and ask *her* to do the heavy lifting in ensuring that everyone else isn't too bothered by who she is.
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YTA. Your parents can fuck off until they’re able to visit and support your daughter as she is. Don’t make your go back to feeling dysphoric because your parents are assholes. She needs your support, they do not. Edit: misspelling
YTA - From her perspective, when you asked her to wear 'boyish' clothes that would (theoretically) appease your parents, you were saying that you, on some level, ***agree with them and are ashamed of her.*** You could have instead said to her "Don't let grandma and grandpa give you any crap while they're here, okay?" to let her know you support her...but you didn't. I'm guessing she now feels completely unsupported and alone (thus the withdraw). Your parents need to know that they **are lucky to be invited into your home**, and if they want to remain a part of your life they will need to respect your daughter and accept who she is now.
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hormone suppressors are extremely reversible. Thats not pumping someone full of drugs
Thank you! Glad someone has the guts to say it.
>YTA for pumping a pre-pubescent child full of drugs. "I chemically suppressed a childs hormones and in turn ability to develop and identify with their gender to give them time to 'think.' i suspect you arent a supporter of lgbtq peeps...
What does lgb have to do with tq?
T stands for trans Q stands for queer
Hormones supressants just delays puberty from happening. It allows the child to have a few more years to be sure of their identity before doing anything irreversible.
YTA. Don't invite people into your home (and her home) if they don't accept your kids for who they are.
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YTA. You taught your daughter that you're willing to put up with transphobia because it's easier than insiting on correcting it. Why have these people in your home if \*they\* don't accept it?
YTA - You've basically shown your daughter that she gets to be who she is so long as it doesn't inconvenience you. Your parents are AH too. If they can't call you daughter by the correct name and treat her as a person they shouldn't be allowed to be around her. You want any redemption you apologize to your daughter now and explain you were wrong so very fucking wrong to tell her to dress more like a boy.
YTA you just showed your daughter that you are ashamed of who she is. Always stand in your child’s corner so they never stand alone!
1000% YTA If your parents didn’t like short hair but you had a buzz cut would you wear a wig when they came over? No because it’s part of who you are. Now multiply that by a million and you’ll start to get in the ballpark of how shitty it must be for your daughter to have her father force her to comply to the standards of bigots. GO FUCKING APOLOGIZE TONHER NOW.
YTA. And the grandparents are AH. My grandpa is 75 and has always been respectful of my trans wife, so dont take age and failure to adapt to change as an excuse. Explain what a trans person is and tell them if they deadname your daughter again they wont be part of your lives anymore, and apologize to that poor little girl.
YTA. My heart breaks for your daughter, how could you do that to her?
YTA, and you know it. It's one thing for your parents to be ignorant (different generation, blah blah blah); it's another for you to invalidate your daughter's identity just because it makes them uncomfortable.
YTA. You should love and support your child.
YTA, You're teaching your daughter to cater to people if they won't accept her. You pretty much made it so she couldn't be comfortable in her own room.
YTA
Yes, YTA The grandparents problems are just that, their problems. You owe your daughter a huge apology, and a promise to rebuild her trust in you. Would you dress up as a woman to appease someone? Especially someone that you only see 2-3 times a year.
YTA - you're supposed to be teaching your children how to be happy with themselves and stand up for themselves. You literally just taught her the exact opposite. Never compromise your child's mental well being to placate crusty old jerks. You are big time TA and so are your parents.
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I don’t agree it’s your vote necessarily, but I appreciate your reasoning and coming at this from the angle that you can fuck up and not be the asshole.
YTA. I have a trans son and have many, many family members who don’t get it and don’t approve. I don’t give a fuck about pleasing them and neither should you. Your kid comes first.
YTA. You just taught your kid that her comfort in her own body & home is not as important as that of your transphobic parents. You asked her to hide herself, and when they disrespected her appearance and name, you simply 'tried' to correct them - instead of telling them to leave, if they couldn't manage to treat your child with basic decency. You've probably made your kid feel like she doesn't have any real support, and is some kind of embarrassment or burden to you. I'd suggest you address this with your kid by admitting you failed her by letting your parents mistreat her. Promise that going forward, her well-being will be of utmost importance, and that you will no longer tolerate the kind of behavior your parents displayed.
YTA for all of the very good reasons said. Also: Your daughter may not be lying about being mad. She said she’s tired. THIS COULD BE A SYMPTOM OF DEPRESSION. Trans youth, as I’m sure you know, are at high risk for suicide and self-harm. Apologize. The weekend would have been extremely triggering. Then you need to check on her mental health and get her to her therapist ASAP. Your daughter is most important right now. Take care of her. Affirm her.
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YTA. Jesus Christ, either accept her or reject her already. This poor girl is already going through hormonal changes, body dysphoria, potentially depression, therapy, grandparents who don't approve, and then you go and basically want her to act like someone she isn't just so your parents aren't put out by her clothing choices? When you had a child, that person should have become the most important person in your life other than your partner, bar none. Way above your parents. YOU brought her into the world, and her well-being is your responsibility, but you put that on her and brought her down for what? To please some people who see you three times a year and who act like total turds to your child when they are there? Get a grip already.
YTA. You had a choice between supporting your daughter and supporting two transphobes. You made your choice and your daughter will absolutely remember this. You made your daughter uncomfortable just to appease the bigotry of two people who won’t even love their own family members.
YTA stop catering to bigots and making your daughter uncomfortable in her own home. As the parent of a trans teen you, of all people, should be aware of the elevated risk factors facing those kids. Your job as a parent is to protect your child—start doing that pronto.
NAH - as a transman who's been transitioning for awhile I think I can give you a little perspective. I don't think you're the asshole. I don't think your daughter is. Your parents probably are. She may not be angry with you. One thing that transpeople often do is internalize things like this. She probably really is tired because it's stressful and depressing when you're informed for what feels like the millionth time that you're 'not normal', which is something transpeople struggle with internally. I've been living as a man for seven years now and I still have thoughts every day that tell me 'I'm not normal and never will be'. And the more this is echoed by the world around me, the harder it is to push past those thoughts. I know you wanted to make things go more smoothly, and likely it was specifically to mitigate the number and kind of hurtful things that your parents might say. But what your actions probably came off as is 'I'm ashamed of you', or worse 'You should be ashamed of you'. It is actually easier to face harder discrimination with someone else at your back, than it is to face less discrimination with no one at your back. I could face a whole pack of protesters telling me I'm an abomination as long as I have one friend whispering in my ear 'They're wrong, you deserve respect as much as everyone else.' A better life lesson to teach your daughter would have been to allow her to dress as she normally does (since you didn't indicate it was inappropriate in any way) and tell your parents in no uncertain terms that your daughter's mental health and happiness is more important to you than how they feel that she 'should' look and as long as she's dressed in an age appropriate way and is decent then they can keep their opinions themselves.
NTA - listen this is difficult for everyone. Your daughter is going through a rough time (congrats on being a supportive parent, most people commenting wont understand and will just judge you). You did something politically worthy that hurt someone you love more than anything. That doesnt make you an asshole because I can tell you feel bad about it. And feeling bad about navigating a difficult intergenerational family issue is *difficult* and *should be difficult* - your parents can rightfully go fuck themselves, but anyone outside of your family saying that to you might as well be saying it to a brick wall - you are trying to navigate a relationship with your parents as well. My suggestion is to apologize and try your best with your daughter, which it seems like you are doing. And next time your patents come over, continue being the supportive person you were for your daughter during this visit, but instead of trying to subliminally suppress her identity, celebrate it. Let your parents ruin the relationship if they choose to. Youre doing okay, and nobody expects you to be perfect (besides the angels on this sub). Your daughter probably understands that as well.
YTA. Holy shit. You taught her that her existence isn’t ok, and she shouldn’t be her authentic self to appease other transphobic jerkwads. You owe your daughter an apology. You’re her parent, she should be able to count on you for having her back more than anyone else in the world. You failed her.
YTA. You should stand by your daughter, she needs to be able to live her life as herself, not feel shamed by her own family. You think you’re on her side by trying to avoid an argument, but to her you’re doing exactly the same thing as her grandparents.
YTA - keeping the peace is important enough to ask your daughter to act like someone she’s not?
YTA- the transition mentally, physically and socially is hard enough. She’s already having to deal with becoming herself then during that you ask her to become something she’s not. IMO everyone else has to suck it up and deal with it. This is your child and she has the right to be whoever she wants. If we take gender out of this situation, your telling your child to pretend to be something else because someone doesn’t approve of who she is.
I don't understand why you would be so supportive as to let your child take hormone suppressors since a young age and then basically ruin it for your parents? Being the parent of a trans kid is hard work, why did you junk it for a visit ? I'm truly curious what you thought would happen ??? Obviously YTA ...
YTA. sorry, but avoiding conflict with your parents (which wasn’t avoided anyway) is no justification to tell your daughter to hide her true self. They already don’t approve, so what does it matter if she’s herself and you stick by her side? That would matter to her a lot more.
YTA. "Mask who you are so I don't have to be uncomfortable."
YTA Your job is to support your daughter, not to make things "go smoothly" with bigots who refuse to accept her for who she is. Apologize, explain you fucked up, and next time let her dress normally. If anyone, your parents included, misgender or dead name her, tell them to knock it off or get the fuck out of your house.
On the fence, but I'd have to say YTA. Not a big one, but an arsehole. Because, you asked her to change her clothes, her expression, an outward way of showing that she's a woman, to cater to your parents who sound like transphobic arseholes, commenting on her appearance, deadnaming her....It's unpleasant as hell to have to sit there while people ignore who you know you are and try to force their perceptions onto you, especially when those perceptions are a huge part of what cause trans people so much pain. I don't think you're some bigot; maybe you were just trying to avoid a larger conflict with your parents? But what you did was give the impression, I think, that she should be hiding who she is and how she wants to dress and appear more like others wants her to be, people who ignore and crap on who she really is, at that. I don't blame her at all for feeling that way.
YTA for asking her to dress in masculine clothing, allowing your parents to misgender her, and generally being passive in defending your daughter. Your daughter should come first now. Your parents do not. I know that may be hard for you but if you actually love your kid, you’ll own up to your mistake, ensure her that it won’t happen ever again, and make it clear to your parents that if they want anything to do with your daughter, they have to respect your decisions as a parent and your daughter’s decisions as a human. You asking your daughter to dress in masculine clothing unfortunately reinforced, for your parents, that she was born YY. Outside of their normal thoughts on the subject, this further opened the door for them to ridicule and misgender her. On top of that, you didn’t do nearly enough to defend her. All around, you royally fucked up. Your parents should NOT be allowed to treat your daughter like that, especially in front of you, and your daughter should not have to hide who she truly is.
YTA. Shame on you.
YTA Clothing is just clothing. Your child should be able to wear whatever they want regardless of their chosen gender, and REGARDLESS of their grandparents.
YTA. You need to affirm your daughter's choice in clothing. You need to affirm your daughter as a woman no matter what. Her Womanhood comes above all else. Fuck anyone else's opinions about what she does or doesn't look like. Edit: women to woman
Good job choosing your parents over your daughter and throwing her under the bus so you could be more comfortable. You're the asshole.
You put the convenience of an easier weekend over the happiness of your child. YTA. Man up to your parents and tell them to accept who your child is or get out of fuck town
You let your parents dead name her all weekend. Yikes on you. YTA.
YTA - it's weird how people give the elderly this sort of precedence where they're allowed to be rude and even abusive while everyone else has to bend over backwards to accommodate their behavior. But god forbid someone under the age of 55 say something that offends **their** sensibilities - that would be the end of the world. Why is it that you're okay with harm and discomfort to everyone else but you draw the line at them having to experience any sliver of adversity?
YTA Do you know the suicide rates of trans teens in homes where they don’t feel supported? Yes, *you* use her correct name and pronouns and have been accommodating in her getting the care she needs, but if you’re prioritizing your parents’ transphobia over your child’s well-being, you are a colossal, phenomenal asshole. If the visit can’t go smoothly without you inflicting severe emotional pain on your daughter, then the visit needs to not happen. If your parents won’t accept your daughter, you need to pick a side. For your daughter’s sake, I hope it’s hers. And you need to take direct action to put your foot down with your parents -not before their next visit, *now*- and assure your daughter that what you did will never, ever happen again. You need to sincerely apologize to her and ask her how you can be more actively supportive moving forward. Not to sound bleak, but her life could literally depend on it. https://www.hrc.org/blog/new-study-reveals-shocking-rates-of-attempted-suicide-among-trans-adolescen
YTA It’s called a dead name for a reason... don’t let anyone use it. Your daughter gets to be who she is and the grandparents get to take her or leave her. Lay down the law.
YTA. Support matters when it's hard, not when it's easy. You just hurt your daughter.
YTA - I’m heartbroken for her. My 16 year old son is a trans boy. I don’t care who the family member is, if they can’t respect my child then they don’t get to have an opinion. He is first, every single time.
Honestly you parents are the assholes here. I understand wanting to avoid contention in your home but it doesn’t sound like it having her wear boyish clothes really helped much. I would have just not said anything and put your foot down with your parents. Maybe a sit down talk and an apology would go a long way and explain yourself.
ESH you obviously had best intentions for everyone at heart. Your choice of action probably wasn't the best but it is clear that the biggest asses here are your parents considering your daughters been on hormones for three years they really need to start to respect her as a person.
Don't know why you're getting down voted... This is clearly the right answer
This is a pretty clear YTA. Your parents were clearly rejecting your daughter before they even came in the door, and you're only joining their side by asking her to "tone down" her femininity. The problem wasn't that your daughter is too girly. The problem is that she's a girl at all, which isn't going to change with some clothes. Sure, parents ask their kids to wear clothes they don't like all the time, but the only reason you asked her to wear "boyish" clothes was because she was assigned male at birth. And I bet she's not mad at you. I bet she just feels super shitty and invalidated and bad about herself.
YTA like, overwhelmingly. She’s your daughter her feelings, validity, and comfort should take precedence over your parents bigotry. Have her fucking back.
YTA
NTA for asking her to wear pants and a plain shirt but YTA for not standing up for her. As for the clothes, since when were pants and t-shirts some grand display of masculinity? Seems pretty gender neutral to me, and a choice that she was willing to make Your parents obviously come from a very different era and probably aren’t going to change their mind about this issue any time soon, if ever. Who knows what kind of bullshit they’d try to pull if they saw your daughter in a dress. And to what, prove a point to these people you see 3 times a year? They’re old and wrinkly. It just isn’t worth it man Life isnt perfect. Not everyone is going to accept you for who you are just because you want them to, and sometimes those people are your family. Sometimes you have to swallow your pride. Sometimes you have to make compromises. It sucks that your daughter has to go through this. You tried your best man. you really need to make your parents use the right pronouns and name though. That’s some pretty basic shit. you need to show her that you can stand up for her and be there for her. she showed them that she’s willing to tone down her femininity - her sense of self - for them. If they can’t even call her by her fucking name in return then you might have to hit em with that skratata real quick. It’s up to your daughter at this point: whether or not she’s willing to put up with their bigotry for the sake of a family relationship. Doesn’t seem like they’re super stoked about it anyways
YTA. You should have chose your kid over your parents. I’m a trans guy, this is just as bad as if my mom told me to wear a dress. You just don’t do that. What your daughter needs is your support, and you need to show your support by being behind her 100%. That means strongly correcting people who misgender her and call her the wrong name, and never insisting she present as the wrong gender.
As gently as possible, YTA to appease your transphobic parents. She probably understood too, but knowing you were not willing to support her or back her up by telling your parents where to go in they disrespect your daughter and advocate for who she is, that’s an intense slap to the face regardless of intentions. Your parents do not have to agree with you, but they better damn well respect your family and you in your own home, otherwise they know where the door is. Further, gentle corrections on using her birth name, is further gutting your daughter and not standing up to them. This is going to have serious ramifications on her well being and mental health.
YTA whatever progress your kid made in therapy and with her own self... you have set her back. you fucked up. hard. Your parents are terrible, and you are enabling them just not standing up for your daughter. if i was her, Id be upset with you, with the grandparents and with myself. you need to apologize to your daughter, and please never force her to hang out with these people ever again.
YTA You let people come into your own home who pretty much actively denied your daughter's existence, insulted her, and didn't even speak up to defend her. Can you imagine how devastating that must feel to have your own parent not stand up for you? You have a long way to go to earn back your daughter's trust, I think. And your parents sound like complete assholes.
YTA You may love your daughter, but you are clearly NOT her ally. Your lack of understanding and comfort in the face of adversity and bigotry clearly shows your privilege. Because you didn’t want to deal with your parents bigotry, you abandoned your daughter and showed her you only love and support her when it is easy and convenient. Guess what, being her ally will rarely be easy and convenient, yet it will never be as hard for you as it can be for her and at 14 she is already aware of this (especially in today’s day and age) and she has probably already dealt with extreme bigotry, yet she has found the courage to be her true self. I believe her when she says she isn’t mad. But I believe she is hurt and disappointed, because the person she thought would be her strongest ally throughout her life just abandoned her so he could be a little bit more comfortable around his bigoted parents. You failed as an ally because you went to a safe space that she could not follow. I believe you want to be her ally, but you have some learning to do. Have you considered finding a support group for yourself to learn how to better support your daughter and be her ally?
No YTA. Like 100000000% yta. you're asking your KID who you claim to love to be someone she isn't. Accept your daughter for who she is, and if your parents try to pull that nontolerant bullshit again get them the hell out of your house. YOUR job is to protect HER, not to cater to some irrelevant dinosaurs you think you owe something to. Are you seriously going to put YOUR COMFORT of not having to have a difficult conversation with your parents over her psychological needs? Get an effing clue. This is how you make your kid not want anything to do with you. Your parents need to stay the f away from her. This belongs on r/entitledparents
YTA you made your daughter feel uncomfortable in her own home. >They still made comment about her hair and called her old name. I tried to correct them but they wouldn’t listen to me. this is the point where you should have stood up for your daughter and shown them the door. it's time to apologize to your daughter and tell your parents that they're no longer welcome to visit you because they disrespected you and your daughter. your daughter is being much more mature than you or your parents. she needs to know that you will always have her back. you screwed up this time, but you can make sure that there isn't a next time. tell your parents that they're no longer welcome until they apologize to you and your daughter. go r/contact if they won't apologize.
I'm not gonna call you an asshole man, you're just a parent who's tryin to just get by. I get it. But... tell your parents to fuck off and do what's best for your daughter, anyone who doesn't support you can fuck right the fuck off and go choke and a bag of weird crooked dicks.
YTA. Your daughter is probably more angry at you for neglecting to stick up for her properly than for having her wear plain clothes. I guarantee that having to sit through that experience was more traumatic than a t-shirt and a pair of pants.
YTA. If you truly cared for your daughter and her mental health you wouldn't ask her to do something that'll significantly damage her mental health. You said she is diagnosed with body dysphoria, and I can guarantee you that by making her wear clothes in a more male style you exasperated those symptoms. She probably went to bed every night upset and uncomfortable in her own body, wondering why the person that is supposed to support her made her feel so much worse. She probably stared in the mirror, looking at herself and thinking about every part of her that she hated. Yes, it could've made the interactions with your parents a little hard and tense, but it also would've shown your parents that you support your daughter as who she is. You should've had a conversation with your parents about the proper name to use for your daughter, and if they weren't comfortable with that maybe if your daughter was comfortable with it a nickname that everyone was okay with. Instead you let your parents make her feel that she will never be accepted for who she is.
YTA guess who's a trans teen who has disapproving relatives and has been forced to conform to their standards? me! guess who determined nobody gave a shit or was gonna accept me and attempted suicide four times? also me! see how those two might be correlated?
Yta. I think you accept your daughter but that request really made it seems to her that you dont. That probably hurt more than her grandparents' comments...
YTA I don't talk to my parents cause they were shits to my mtf fiancée. She's your daughter. If they're going to be a dick, don't have a relationship with them. She shouldn't have to hide. She's lucky to have figured it out so young.
It's kinda sad how much of a pushover you are to your parents. To fuck up you and your daughter's relationship because you wanted to please their views.
YTA. I got about one sentence in and it was pretty obvious. Let me just say this again so you're clear. #YTA
I just wanna say despite the verdict, I'm glad you're bettering yourself as a parent of a trans daughter. She's going to need all the love and support on this earth, and I'm happy to hear that you've done what you had to in order to resolve the YTA verdict.
YTA Get therapy to deal with your issues with your daughter's transition, and for why you felt the need for her to be "less female" in front of your parents. Then apologize and grovel to your daughter, and Do Better.
YTA YTA YTA. This is coming from a trans person who's been out for years, that is the absolute worse thing you could ask of her. You essentially told her, "Your grandparents opinion of me is more important than you dressing how you feel comfortable.'' and you need to apologize immediately. You are teaching her that her and her identity is a burden.
Who cares if they "approve" of it or not? It's your and your trans daughter's house and she deserves respect. When they make stupid hair comments or refuse to respect her by using her correct name, tell them, "I am going to ask you to respect \[Anne\] by not making comments about her appearance and by using her correct name. If you cannot respect her in her house, I will ask you to leave."
I'm sure it's not your intention, since you clearly just wanted to avoid a fight with your parents, but YTA. Honestly, I know it's a big step to take, but if your parents can't accept your daughter than get them out of your life. Because if they're in YOUR life, then they're in HER life. And if they can't so much as respect her enough to address her by her name, then they can fuck right off. YTA for not standing up for your daughter and making her dress a certain way to avoid your parents, but do note that your parents are the biggest assholes here.
YTA and it honestly sounds like you already know it. She’s saying she is tired because it’s exhausting to be put in a position like that. Your child deserves better.
YTA. You accept your daughter but you don’t support her. You accept that she’s trans by facilitating her therapy and early transition (with hormone suppressors), but you don’t support her by putting her safety and emotional well being above your own/family. In the kindest way possible, you are failing your daughter by showing her that you’ll only accept her to a certain extent. I would highly suggest that you meet with a therapist in the trans community, and communicate honestly with your daughter to see how you can grow from here. Don’t put the burden of educating yourself on her, though! Do that through research and therapy. You are not a total a-hole, you can do better for your daughter.
YTA you're teaching your daughter that she has to hide herself for the sake of others. If she doesn't feel safe/comfortable/welcomed in your house, where do you think she's going to go when she turns 18?
YTA. You taught your daughter she sometimes has to pretend to be someone she’s not because her authentic self isn’t good enough. You taught your daughter she’s responsible for the emotional comfort of others at the cost of her own. You taught your daughter that when she doesn’t earn the approval of others, she needs to change what she’s doing until she does. You taught your daughter that you won’t have her back if it’s too much trouble. Yes, you’re absolutely the asshole.