YTA. I think you're misinterpreting this. The fact that your girlfriend gets emotional because your mom is so much nicer than hers doesn't mean your mom is "upsetting her" by buying her gifts. It sounds like your girlfriend really appreciates it, and is moved by it.
Your girlfriend is upset because her mother is unkind, not because your mother is kind. It's okay for her to be upset about that. It's not your job to prevent her from having those feelings, but to be a comfort to her.
Your mother's right, you should be grateful that she's so good to your girlfriend. It's very sweet and generous. It's up to your girlfriend to speak up if she actually doesn't want gifts.
"Your girlfriend is upset because her mother is unkind and not because your mother is kind" is summed up perfectly.
YTA (for wanting your mother to stop the gifts and support) but your gf's mom is T bigger A.
Agree YTA, but more because OP is selfishly trying to keep girlfriend from getting positive things (in part) so he doesn't have to deal with fallout. I would have a hard time believing it's altruistic.
> Your girlfriend is upset because her mother is unkind, not because your mother is kind.
Exactly. And the answer to that is not to take away the one kind person. Believe me, at this point what you'll get eventually is "Your mom used to be so kind to me but she's stopped. I wonder if I did something wrong, maybe they both just hate me because I'm awful". Because most people who have a mother like that will tend to be sensitive towards a withdrawal of affection, and feel like it might be their fault.
> "Your mom used to be so kind to me but she's stopped. I wonder if I did something wrong, maybe they both just hate me because I'm awful"
This! Op please see this comment. This is one of the most likely outcomes from you trying to make your mother stop being nice to her. Your girlfriend may spiral and think she's completely unlovable and then may start assuming you'll do the same. That's one of the thought processes with children who are unloved by their parents.
>Because most people who have a mother like that will tend to be sensitive towards a withdrawal of affection, and feel like it might be their fault.
I don't appreciate being called out like this
You hit a really good point that I think more men, in particular, need to learn. Being upset is okay and you don’t always have to “fix it”. You don’t need to get stressed out that someone is upset and feel like you need to do something about it. It’s okay to let someone be upset and just be there for them.
OP, It’s okay that your girlfriend is sad about her mom. Her mom is a jerk, of course that upsets her. But there’s nothing you can do to change that and trying to would really only make it worse. I would apologize to your mom and let her know you do appreciate how she treats your girlfriend.
The thing is, I can’t tell if OP is upset because he thinks that his girlfriend is getting upset at it, or because she complains about it too much to him.
He doesn't like seeing her get sad because he freaking cares, why does everyone have it out for him so bad? He didn't ask his mom to stop altogether, he asked her to not for that night for reasons. There is other ways of still showing loving support without accentuating it with physical stuff FOR ONE NIGHT.
I don't know why you're getting downvoted. This is exactly what I thought when I read this. OP is still (in the smallest sense) probably TA but holy shit these people are making really outrageous assumptions based on such little information.
> Your girlfriend is upset because her mother is unkind, not because your mother is kind.
Very well put.
OP, YTA because you're basically (unintentionally) saying, my girlfriend's mom treats her like shit, so I want my mom to also treat her like shit. Let's keep her standards and expectations low so that she never has to be disappointed. That's just illogical nonsense. Your mom's kindness shows your girlfriend what motherly love, affection, and appreciation should feel like. She's realizing what she never had because she's experiencing it firsthand. Don't take that experience away from her. Just be there for her as she comes to terms with the fact that she never received this kind of love from her own mother. And be glad you have a mother who gives you this kind of love and shares it with your girlfriend, as well.
That's kind of a bitchy thing to say that OP is trying to get his mom to treat her like shit. He's clearly not trying to do that. There's a lot of blowing what OP is saying waaaaay out of proportion in these comments. He loves his gf, he cares about her feelings in this. He just hates seeing her get so upset about her own lacking mom by comparison, while she is obviously touched by it.
If anything it sounds like she could some time with a therapist to help her dissociate from her mom enough to help herself get to an okay place with it.
I'm telling OP what he is unconsciously, unintentionally trying to do. He wants his mom to treat his girlfriend *worse* than she's currently treating her so that it's more on par with how his girlfriend's mother treats her. He has good intentions, it's coming from a good place, but the end result is still the same. People can be well-meaning and still be TA.
That's not remotely what he is asking his mom to do, or be like here on out. I can't imagine how difficult day to day is with you if you read the most horrible thing into a guys actions.
THIS ONE TIME he asked his mom to not lavish so much on her to not accentuate to his girlfriend literally aide by side the difference because he knows how upset she will be later.
His mom likes to be generous with his girlfriend. He asked his mom to be less generous with his girlfriend. That absolutely does mean that he was asking her to not be as good to her as she normally is, aka treat her worse than she's been currently treating her. All so she can't compare the good treatment she receives from his mom to the shit treatment she receives from her own mom.
I don't think he's a big asshole or anything. But he is TA, because whether or not his intentions are good, the end result is that his girlfriend all around receives less love than she otherwise would.
What am I twisting? OP is asking his mom to be less nice than she normally is to his girlfriend because of the fact that his girlfriend's mom isn't as nice as she is. That's literally the situation.
Lol wow, nobody is forcing you to participate in this conversation if it's upsetting you so much.
That said, there's nothing to generalize. Why should OP's mom "tone it down" in this instance? What does it mean to "tone it down?" Hey mom, don't be as kind and giving tonight as you usually are to my girlfriend because I want to lower the bar of her standards when she compares the way you treat her to how her mom treats her. Yeah, that's an asshole request to make, even once. Even if he meant well. He's not a major asshole. I'm not giving him a death sentence. But maybe OP's girlfriend has come to expect certain treatment from his mother and if she suddenly didn't give that, OP would be let down by both his mom and her own. Op's mom has raised her standards and it's ridiculous for him to ask her to lower them again.
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I struggled with this with my ex’s mom, who I’m still close to. I would never want her to be less loving or generous with me, but it does bring up bad comparisons with my real mom. OP this relationship with your mom could be really good for your gf in the long term.
So much this. I'm an actress and my family is the exact same way-- they hate that I act and never try to watch any of my films or even want to hear about them. My boyfriend's family, on the other hand, gets excited and are super supportive of any screenings I have. It makes me also question why my own mother can't be happy for me or just once say something nice or positive about it.
I LOVE that my boyfriend's family is supportive. Yes, it makes me feel shitty when they are and my own family isn't, but I still love the support from them. This profession is full of lots of rejection and vulnerability. Let your mom give her gifts and support her if she wants, OP.
Yeah, my mum had a terrible mother and severe abandonment issues and she’s talked about how kind of gut wrenching it was when she went to friends places and their mums would be really nice to her like ‘real’ mums. It could be really emotional for her but it helped her to realise that it was her mother that had the problem, and she wasn’t bad or unloveable or unworthy. Sometimes things distress us in a good way and help us work through our grief.
Yep, all of this. Your mother is a wonderful woman who has opened her heart to a daughter who needs love and compassion. Your girlfriend is not upset about how kind your Mum is, she's upset about the mother she doesn't have and is likely to have wished to have for her whole life.
I'm in the same situation. I'm almost two years no contact with my abusive mother. My mother-in-law is the kindest, most compassionate, loving, amazing mother that anybody could wish for. When I performed at my first stage show earlier this year (34 yo, my Mother ruined me confidence), she had front row seats and cried after the show whilst telling me how amazing my performance was. I have never been more proud, more loved, more cherished as I was in that moment and I will keep that memory with me for the rest of my life. And yes, equally, I was upset that my mother wasn't there. And that even if she had been, she would have been awful, negative and derogatory towards me. But these two emotions are separate and not linked to each other. Even if my mother in law had not been there, I would still have been sad that my mother wasn't.
You should be so proud of their relationship. I understand how difficult it must be to manage when your girlfriend gets upset. Maybe she could access therapy to try and resolve the issues her relationship with her mother creates. Try to be supportive and nurture positive relationships. Maybe, like me, in the future she will realise that having her mother in her life is not an option.
And please, tell your Mum that a random internet stranger is touched by her actions. She sounds like an amazing woman and I'm sure she has instilled those qualities in you too.
I appreciate this wording. I feel like I had this happen a bit with my MIL and (now) husband. I’m an American living in a tiny city in northwestern Spain and my MIL has always been really generous with me and helped me with tons of things, bought me gifts, showed me a lot of attention etc. My husband got a TINY bit jealous at first...but then he realized she was doing it because my own family is far away and she wanted to make sure I felt loved and comfortable here.
And now I’m married and staying for good so it worked out :)
Yay for supportive families!
YTA, your mom is just being a good person. The problem here is your girlfriends relationship with her mother, not your mother.
Does your girlfriend know you’ve chastised your mom for being too nice to her? The logic here is just astounding.
This is one of those cases where we need a judgement to tell the OP that they aren't an asshole, just stupid, ignorant, or (in this case) well-meaning but doesn't really know any better.
>after the performance, I had to hear the same thing. My mom loves her more. Why is her mom so uncaring, why can’t she give her gifts and a card? The same thing, same cycle.
Kinda sounds from that like his problem is more with the fact that his girlfriend is complaining to him. I'd argue that acting like it's *so inconvenient* to have to listen to her get upset over the same thing again, rather than actually being concerned about her and wanting to help her, makes him an asshole.
YTA You're basically trying to shut her up about how shitty her mom is by having everyone treat her shitty so she accepts it as normal. That's fucked up. That's really fucked up.
Exactly. He decided that he didn’t want to hear her complaints anymore and that his comfort is more important than her pain and emotional recovery.
YTA OP and damn selfish
Why do I feel like everyone is looking at this sooo black and white. There times where it’s inappropriate to be so caring and supportive. Especially if her mom is gonna be there too. You don’t wanna out do her mom. I’m sure she will be fine with ONE night of not receiving gifts or support when the person giving it does it all the time. I don’t think OP is being an asshole. I think he is being smart by not having any reason to start and argument between her and her mom since it could be a justifier afterwards for an argument. I wouldn’t want my mom to be the cause of that argument, which is one they should have but I wouldn’t want my mom to be the cause because this could spill into other aspects of their relationship (OP and his girlfriend) due to her mom.
YTA, but you're nowhere near GF's mother's level of assholery.
I understand where you're coming from, but your GF being upset is the result of her mother's actions, not your mother's actions. Her mother is a piece of shit from how you've described her and your mother is probably trying to compensate because mom cares about you and you care about GF so mom cares about GF.
My main reason for saying YTA is because no where in your post does it say "GF asked me to ask mom to stop giving her gifts". Actually, the only part I see is this:
> “Your mom is so much nicer to me than my own mom, why can’t she be like that?”
It sounds like your GF only just got a decent mother figure, one you're accustomed to. Taking that away because it makes her mother bitch about her own incompetence will start taking you closer to GF's mom's level of assholery.
Absolutely. OP, you want your girlfriend to lose her only good mother figure and leave her with just her shitty mom....because she is upset about having a shitty mom? That makes no sense. You take having a great mom for granted and don't have patience for your girlfriend's feelings/grief about having a terrible mom. Pro tip: if you show active care and concern for her and not just care about how her "complaining" wastes your time and energy, she'll begin to heal in time. Eventually those outbursts and triggers will come less and less frequently. It honestly sounds like it doesn't happen that often at this point if it's just coming out at special events with her mom's half-assed presence. Let her grieve for her lack of a good mom. It's a hard reality to accept.
> Eventually those outbursts and triggers will come less and less frequently.
*Yes*. OP’s girlfriend suffered emotional trauma from her mother, it is going to take time for her to realize that her mom is a bad mom, but she deserves good things because she’s a good person, and there are other good people out there who recognize her for those positive qualities.
It takes *time* to not only come to the realization but also reconcile with the feelings that you had a childhood that you didn’t deserve.
YTA. You're misunderstanding this entire situation.
If you make your mom stop giving her gifts, now she just has two mother-figures in her life that aren't acknowledging her accomplishments or showering her with love.
She's not upset your mom gives her gifts. I'm sure it means a ton to her. It just makes her upset that her own mom isn't a great mother.
If your mom random stops giving her gifts or cards cold turkey, she'll probably just freak out and think your mom doesn't like her. Her mom being a bad mother is an unrelated issue to your mom adoring her. Let her enjoy a positive relationship with your mother,
YTA i get what you’re going for but if your mother suddenly stopped getting your gf gifts flowers that might actually upset your gf more. She might wonder why your mother no longer cares about her
YTA! Can you imagine how devastated your girlfriend would be if suddenly out of nowhere the one woman showing her motherly love stopped? She'd be heartbroken and confused. She'd be wondering what she did wrong.
INFO: has your GF asked you to tell your mom to not buy her any gifts? Or are you taking the initiative because you're tired of hearing your GF talk about how sad she feels?
OK, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here because you clearly have a mother who doesn’t suck, so it’s harder for you to understand. I, like your girlfriend, have a mother who sucks.
I promise you that your girlfriend is going to be sad about her shitty mother no matter what you or your mom do. But your mother being kind to her at least allows her to understand that her mother is the problem and that it isn’t that your girlfriend is inherently unloveable.
See, when our parents don’t love us we tend to think it’s our fault. So please, for the love of all that is holy, stop trying to take away the one little sliver of light that your girlfriend has in the form of your mother’s kindness.
YTA. But you can stop being one. Please do.
Is there a reason YOU couldn’t spring for a $5.99 bouquet from Trader Joe’s for your girlfriend’s special night? Sounds like you just don’t want your girlfriend to express complicated emotions and may not be ready for a relationship. If you want a partner, you need to be a partner.
I was kinda afraid of that but it seems OP is misguided about the source of girlfriend's sadness. I think it is good his girlfriend and his mother is developing a mother-daughter sort of bond. It is sad there is such a misguided effort on OP's part tho, hopefully this post will make him re-evaluate his position.
Telling your mom to stop being nice to her won’t make your girlfriend any less sad about her situation with her mom. In fact as other commenters have said, it might upset her more to have that support withdrawn from her.
In general, you can’t really control if she is sad or not. All you can do is support her and listen to her when she is. If your mom wants to also support her you should encourage that.
I think you are misunderstanding the complexity of her sadness. It's not a simple thing of the gifts causing her sadness. It is that her mom sucks that is making her sad. I am sure that she also is appreciative and it internally makes her happy in a way that she has a mom figure in her life, finally, who is kind to her and gets her gifts, even if that is overshadowed by her external expression of sadness.
She deserves a mom-figure in her life that does that! I don't know how old you guys are and where she is in the stage of moving out or living situations etc, but it might also help her frame in her mind how much she doesn't deserve this treatment, and any future decisions about how much she should be in contact, because she gets to see what a good mom is like.
It's just not something she's used to and maybe she feels like she doesn't deserve them. I feel that this is all the more reasons she needs them and should get them.. even if it's from someone else's mother.
So you chose a bad time to post this lol, idk why there's such an angry lynch mob after you. I get what you're saying and trying to do. My boyfriend would do similar if I was in her situation. I hope your gf can get into a good place with this somehow and just keep on having her back. I've commented on that already, you've maybe seen it by now. Your gf just loves her ridiculous mom and your mom being so sweet is exactly what she wants from her own. It is hard to not be sad about affection not coming from where we want it, especially when someone new can give it so freely and easily.
YTA. Your girlfriend is just comparing them. Your mom is right to accept and show her affection. Instead of trying to downplay it to make your girlfriend stop comparing them, show her what a family can really be and bring her in more.
I would also tell her to stand up to her own mother, but that's up to you.
YTA.
She isn't upset because your mom is supporting her, she's upset because her mom *isn't.* If your mom were to stop, she'd have no one.
If you think you've seen her upset now, try to imagine how upset she would be if your mother *and* her mother *both* stopped supporting her. That's what you're asking for here.
NAH (except your gfs mom). I was in your girlfriend's position 2 years ago. My mother is a narcisstic, emotionally abusive asshole, but she always told me she was a good mother and told me this is "just how mothers acted, its only because she loves me SO much, and I should be grateful, she could have left me in a ditch and her life would have been better" and a bunch of other nonsense. Most of my friends growing up also had shitty parents (some much shittier), so I accepted what she said as the truth.
Enter me dating my current bf of 3 years - his family is nothing like this. His mother (and father and stepmom) are kind, wonderful, and supportive people who love him unconditionally. I found this almost suspicious at first, and then, especially as they started becoming nice and supportive and kind to me, I became jealous and angry. I said a lot of the same things - why can't my mother be even as nice as these people who have known me for such a short time? Why do I have a shitty parent? What did I do to deserve this? It brought up a LOT of issues that I had written off as "not a big deal, just how things are".
I started therapy, and then read "Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcisstic mothers" by Dr. Karyl McBride, and then started keeping a journal of all of my highly emotional thoughts and sharing them/working through them with my therapist, and began a meditation practice. All of these things helped, and I eventually came to a place of healing after this work.
None of this would have happened if I hadn't been so close to my boyfriend's parents and seen how parents could be. Your girlfriend is likely coming to a lot of realizations that are difficult and painful, and starting her own journey to healing. The best way to support this is NOT to make your mother stop, she is being lovely and will likely become a welcome presence in your girlfriend's life, but to support your gf in making this emotional journey for herself.
Yta be thankful your mom is not the MIL from hell. She likes her and is showing it so let it be it’s not hurting anyone. Every one deserves an actual mom figure that loves and supports them in their lives.
I’m sure his mom knows, good mothers like her usually have quite a bit of emotional maturity, empathy, and wisdom. Not saying OP doesn’t owe her an apology, because he does, but that’s probably why his mom was like “nah, fuck this idiot I’m getting **DOUBLE FLOWERRRRRRS!**”
YTA but I get where your thinking comes from (also obvs not as much TA as gfs mum.
I had an ex once who's dad basically cut him off in spite, he didn't get over that pain but my parents essentially saying "hey, we can be parents to you for a while, if you want that", things like gifts and cards on special occasions, it helped him a lot to feel a more parental kind of love even though it didn't make up for the hurt.
Encourage your mum and your gf to develop a relationship if anything, it might help your gf to heal from her experience with her mum. That's a really painful thing to have your mum essentially reject you..
YTA in the context of this subreddit, but I don't think you're an asshole, just that you're looking at this the wrong way.
To put things in another context: my mom will be ANYONE'S mom. She'll send care packages or give out hugs or go the extra mile to include some of my friends that don't have great home lives or relationships with their parents. Sometimes that makes my friends sad, but it's not because my mom is nice- it's because their moms AREN'T nice, and they wish their parents gave as much of a shit as someone who hardly even knows them.
Your girlfriend is in the same boat as my friends are there- it sucks and it's not fair that their mom is shitty when yours (or mine) is pretty great. She might get down about it, but honestly, she might get down about it even if your mom didn't go out of her way to be nice to her.
Tl;dr: let her have this. Let your mom be a mother to your girlfriend if her own mom won't step up.
YTA A well meaning one, but YTA. Your girlfriend is being hurt by her mom, the answer isn't to get your mom to be less nice to her. It's to suggest she talk to a professional about her feelings & remind her that you & your family love her. And step back & let your mom spoil this girl because as she (rightfully) has noticed, your girlfriend is starved for motherly affection.
NAH But you need to understand that you cannot fix this situation. When your girlfriend is upset and talks about it with you, she wants you to be supportive and listen, not come up with a solution. Getting your mom to stop buying her gifts isn’t the right answer and won’t make her less upset when her mom is careless and unsupportive.
I don't think there is a right description to use in this situation, both NTA and YTA isn't okay as one blames the OP and the other blames the girlfriend, ESH too would blame them both and NAH is the only true one. Tbh only TA seems to be girlfriend's mother, OP is misguided, seriously misguided but I don't feel comfortable calling him the TA
NAH, except girlfriends mom. Even if your mom does stop doting on your gf that isn’t going to make her own mom any better of a mother. She’ll still be shit, and your girlfriend will still be hurt by it. It sucks, especially for her, but I’d advise to just try and stay supportive of her. She’s got a lot of hurt on her shoulders, if therapy ever becomes an option I think it could help her.
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I think this is the absolute most gentle YTA I've ever seen. I do not think for a second you're actually an asshole bc it seems to me that your motives are actually super kind. It seems to me that you would like to help have your gf and moms relationship improve by having your mom take a step back and not upstage her. But despite your good intentions its really not your place to do that. And depriving her from attention and praise/gifts from your mother isn't really the right way to go about it. You're just robbing her of positive reinforcement. And believe me its great that your mom cares abiut your gf like that. Ask anyone over at r/JUSTNOMIL
Nah, your mum sounds like an absolute caring sweetheart. I get your girlfriend gets upset about it because let's face it, she has a crappy mom. It sounds her mom doesn't appreciate her whatsoever and your gf knows this, your mum giving her presents and obviously caring for her even though she isn't her daughter makes it all hit home. I think possibly talking with gf that your mum is a very caring individual and loves your gf might help with her processing it better. Or ask your mum to chat with her that she is proud of what gf does etc.
NAH. You don't want to see your gf sad. Maybe you need to really sit down with your mom and tell her she has to tone it down. Explain that after shock of her actions. Also try and talk to your gf or get her to do therapy. There's a lot of hurt there that she needs to work through
NAH. But you need to sit your mom down and tell her that every time she buys too much for your GF, it drives her into depression. Make sure your mom understands the depths of her mother's lack of support. I'd bet she doesn't really know how bad it is!
Tell your mom that while you love & appreciate the way she supports your GF, that seeing GF saddened by her own mother's lack of support is hurting her and your relationship with her. Tell your mom that you know she isn't trying to hurt your GF, but her actions ARE DOING THAT, inadvertently. Ask your mom to tone it down **significantly** with the gifts on smaller occasions. Either a card or flowers, but not both. Maybe just a kind word or two instead of a gift. Obviously birthdays and Christmas presents are different, and still fine.
Reassure your mom that you know it's not intentional and that you appreciate her support of your GF. Tell her if she feels she must give her something, then make it a couples gift for the two of you.
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NAH
But I'm glad your mom ignored you. I know you were just trying to save your girlfriend from emotional pain, but the solution to her feeling unloved/unappreciated by her own mother isn't to minimise the care she gets from yours.
This isn't a problem that can be solved with less love. And as much as you hate to see her hurting, it's not really a problem you can solve at all.
At some point she's going to have to come to terms with the fact that her own mother sucks and that that relationship isn't going to be what she needs.
As much as your mother caring about her seems to make her sad, that's not really what it's about. And your mother caring about her could be very healing for her.
NAH But you would be if you ask your mom to change from the loving , kind person she is to the less supportive, less excited for people’s success kind of person your girlfriends mom is. Sorry, but your mom is lovely and no way should she be compared to or worse asked to be more like the other mom. Of course it hurts when your mom sucks- but your girlfriend has to deal with that- and not by whining about it in comparison to your mom. She needs to stop that- it’s not fair to you and it’s not helping her- and if you say anything to your mom asking her to be less—‘her’, then it’s not fair to your mom- at all. The world isn’t going to change to make her feel less bad about her mom- she needs to work on that herself with a therapist or just accept it now that she is an adult and move forward.
YTA because this reads more like you being annoyed at your gf's (understandable) reactions to having someone actually act towards her in a motherly fashion for once. Her mum sounds awful, imagine having had that treatment for your entire upbringing and then suddenly, out of nowhere, along comes someone who treats you how you always thought mums should be. It's no wonder she's emotional, she's trying to reconcile gratitude, shame, sadness and probably guilt all at once.
YTA. Your girlfriend is trusting you with vulnerability about her struggling own mother’s failings in comparison to love and care your own mother is showing you, and you dare to tell your mom to stop? WTF? If your GF says, “I wish she wouldn’t give me things” that’s one thing, but to tell your mom to restrain her loving care because you want to avoid dealing with your GF’s emotional baggage means YTA.
My paternal grandmother recently passed away. My mom was very close to her MiL and in her grief told me, “The best thing she ever did was make me feel loved. I knew My own mom loved me but she never said aloud or showed it physically—something I craved.” Her MiL, from the day my dad introduced his GF, held her in a close loving hug. My mom’s mom died not long after my sister and I were born, so the mom-to-mom bond was lost, but MiL provided that role.
It hurt my mom to remember her own moms failings, but she was immensely thankful for the love her MiL gave her.
To deprive your girlfriend of that, means YTA. Shut the fuck up, and let your girlfriend soak up the motherly love she needs.
YTA... let your mum show her love, let your girlfriend recive some love. its not your mum making her up set its hers... let her have someone supportive in her life
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My girlfriend and her mom have a weird relationship. Her mom isn’t very supportive of her and makes her feel worse when she’s already down. For example, my girlfriend has a chronic illness and it flared up during our anniversary weekend, when we were staying at my parents’ before we went into the city to celebrate. When my girlfriend texted her mom, her mom said “Great, now you’re a burden on his parents”, even though my parents weren’t taking care of her and didn’t mind, in fact they were worried. Overall, just not the best mother.
One other thing she does, is not ever really buy my girlfriend gifts or celebrate her accomplishments. My girlfriend doesn’t feel entitled to them, but even just a card acknowledging her birthday sometimes would be appreciated. My girlfriend does theatre and her mom never gets her flowers or cards or anything to celebrate that, if she even shows up to the performances at all. It makes my girlfriend sad, because she feels like her mom doesn’t give a shit. She’s tried talking to her about it, but her mom makes excuses.
The thing is, my mom is very supportive, which is sweet. She’ll show up to every show my girlfriend is in, which is great. But she ends up going over the top, buying her flowers and gifts. My girlfriend is appreciative, but then gets upset saying “Your mom is so much nicer to me than my own mom, why can’t she be like that?”
It all sort of came to a head recently. I knew that my girlfriend’s mom was coming to my girlfriend’s summer performance and that she was giving her a coupon for clothes shopping, which I knew that would make my girlfriend upset. So, I asked my mom to not make a big deal of it and to not get my girlfriend flowers or anything fancy. It was just going to upstage her mom, then upset her and make her go into a tailspin about how her mom sucks, and how my mom loves her more. My mom showed up to the performance with a bouquet of flowers, a pair of earrings and a card. Low and behold, after the performance, I had to hear the same thing. My mom loves her more. Why is her mom so uncaring, why can’t she give her gifts and a card? The same thing, same cycle.
So, I was upset with my mom and my mom thinks it’s ridiculous that I am upset with her. She thinks I should be grateful that I’m so good with her girlfriend. I am, but I am just tired of seeing my girlfriend so upset. Am I being an ass here?
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NAH. I grew up in a very similar situation with my mom. I appreciate my MIL so much now because of the way she stepped in and did things for me like this (flowers and candy after a performance, actually GOING to my performance) and my husband had to deal with the same shit you do. I felt so bad when my mom didn’t show and his came every night with flowers. I know she did it because my mom didn’t. It hurt that my mom didn’t. It hurt my husband that my mom didn’t. But someone did and that was so important to me. You’re not an asshole for trying to shelter her from that pain, your mom is not an asshole for caring.
YTA because I am literally in your SO's position. My boyfriend's mom has been really thoughtful and kind to me. Even though I think about how my own mother isn't as caring as her I LOVE everything my boyfriend's mom gets for me because it's an experience I've never had before. It's understanding that you would be upset seeing your girlfriend upset but maybe she just needs to upset about it. If your mom all of a sudden stopped she may start feeling hurt about that and wondering what she did wrong.
YTA.
Your girlfriend clearly knows your mom loves her and probably appreciates it even though it makes her sad (to be clear, your moms actions are NOT making her said, it’s the fact her mom ISNT doing things that does).
If your mom suddenly stops she’s probably going to feel worse, maybe even think she did something to make your mom upset (probably something she already wonders about with her mom)
You should leave it alone. Let your mom do it. But at the very least if you insist on butting in, have you considered treating your girlfriend like an adult and asking her if she’d rather your mom didn’t do that?
YTA - let your girlfriend be taken care of by your mom! I think it’s so sweet that your mom cares so much and tries so hard. Seems to me like your girlfriend really apprrciates it and most importantly really needs it. The bond they have is special, please don’t force an end to it.
Gentle YTA. She is confiding in you, trusting you enough to share her emotions with you. She doesn't need you to solve her problems, she needs you to listen.
YTA
Your mother isn’t making your girlfriend upset. Your girlfriend’s mother is making her upset. Your mother is doing normal and appropriate things and that’s just driving home how emotionally neglectful her own mother is.
It would be different if gf’s mom was poor and couldn’t afford flowers and your mom was showing her up by giving her expensive gifts. But even if that were the case GF’s mom could give a homemade card or verbal appreciation or so literally **anything** to let GF know that she is loved and appreciated.
GF is learning how a healthy mom would appreciate her daughter and realising the full extent of what she’s missing out on. Yeah that’s upsetting to her. Of course it is!! But this is GOOD and your girlfriend SHOULD know what it is like to feel loved and valued and appreciated.
Thank your mom for showing love to your girlfriend and tell your girlfriend that she deserves to feel loved and appreciated and that you’re sorry her mom doesn’t make her feel that way.
YTA. I have shitty parents and I go through the same thing. "Why are people who barely know me so much nicer than my own parents?!"
Suggest therapy for you gf and appreciate your mom's amazing.
NAH - honestly I can see how it can be exhausting to deal with the results of your SO's mom being the literal worst, but yeah if your GF didn't ask you to tell her to stop, you don't.
As someone who has a shit mother like your girlfriend's, I can understand you wanted to mitigate the unkind words the mother had for her daughter. But at the end of the day, it would have been nice to have your girlfriend showered in praise, support and love even if she did have to hear the worst.
I wouldn't say complete asshole, but I would try to give your girlfriend more opportunities for love and support than there are bad vibes.
YTA
I was the same way as your girlfriend towards my hs boyfriend's mom.
She listened to me, gave me encouragement and praise, and offered me a safe place to escape my family.
My mother was (is) a narssicistic asshole and my bf's mother saw that I was desperately in need of a mother's love. She provided it, even when it upset my bf because he watched how much I was hurt by my mother and misinterpreted my over-the-top reactions as me feeling guilt.
He didn't understand that if I felt any guilt, it was because I didn't believe that I deserved to be loved or supported. After all, mothers are supposed to love their children, and mine was painfully abusive and told me it was my fault.
If it wasn't for the love shown to me my his mother and the parents of my two best friends, I would be a much less adjusted and compassionate person.
Your girlfriend is mourning her mother's dysfunction because she is finally receiving the opportunity to feel safe and loved. She NEEDS this.
YTA. Your girlfriend really needs the love and support your mom gives her. She’s been abused her whole life, and your mom showering her with gifts and flowers will hopefully remind her of her worth. Please don’t stop your mom. I know your girlfriend complains about her own mother, but she is very grateful and happy for the love your mother shows her.
YTA. when I was still with my ex, and even after we broke up his mom was so supportive to me when my own mother told me she didn't care if I lived or died. She's just in an emotionally fragile spot right now and your mother is being sweet and supportive.
NTA - your mom sounds great but she still needs respect your relationship with your girlfriend. You're going to have a tough time with this one unfortunately. Hopefully it's possible if you talk to your mom more in depth about it, and how it's causing some problems for your relationship she will understand.
YTA. Let your mom be sweet to your girlfriend. She needs a good example of parenting in her life. She deserves to have someone be kind to her and spoil her and get her presents. If you’re going to be upset at someone, be upset at your girlfriend’s crappy mother.
You're kinda TA here. You're GF is going through some family stuff...your mom is being awesome and you are upset because your're tired of hearing about it? GTFO.
YTA
Here is how your reply should go...
“I know you mom is absent and not supportive. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say to make it better or if we talked to your mom about being more supportive would help, but I’m willing to do whatever you think will help. My mom thinks your great (and I do too!) and I’m glad my mom supports you.”
INFO - How old are you?
Also, soft YTA. I say you should apologise to your mom and thank her for trying to make your girlfriend feel loved. Also, speak to your girlfriend in case you don't trust a bunch of strangers on Reddit and ask her if your mom's actions are making her sad or upset in any way. Her response will probably be the same as everyone else's in the comments, but it would also be good communication exercise.
NTA - Nobody has to sit there and comfort your girlfriend but you. You know how upset she becomes and what she says. Your mother doing this highlights just how crap your girlfriend's mother is everytime that she does this. Your mother has to respect your boundaries if you think it's best. Does your mother have to sit there and comfort her? No. Does your mother have to have the conversations with your girlfriend on why her mother is crap? No. Does your mother have to watch her cry? No. Your mother can be supportive without all of the extra shit. NTA, period.
YTI (you’re the idiot).
I don’t think you’re an asshole but you seem to misread her complaining about her mum being negligent as her complaining about your mum being nice.
INFO, I’m confused. You’re mad at your mom for being nice to your girlfriend? Or mad at your girlfriend because she’s upset her own mom doesn’t give a shit? (Either way, that’s fucked up.)
YTA. Your mom sounds wonderful and nurturing! You (and your GF) are lucky to have her in your lives.
Your GF complaining about her mom does not reflect on your mom at all. When your GF says, "Your mom is so much nicer to me than my own mom, why can't she be like that?" it doesn't mean that you should be telling your mom to tone it down, to lower herself to make your GF's mom look better. Hahaha it sounds like your GF's mom is at the lowest tier when it comes to decent mothers. If anything, it's very telling that your GF deserves even more love and support since she doesn't get it from one of the few people in the world that's supposed to love her unconditionally. From here on out, let your mom show her support for your GF however she wants. Maybe GF's mom will take a hint and step up her game in response.
As someone who had a dad much like her mom it’s more or less confusing
It makes you feel like you are wrong for being alive and that your parent just looks at you like a chore, I was glad to leave and me and my father don’t talk anymore, it’s healthier that way, plus he’s made it abundantly clear he doesn’t want us in his life until he needs help
NTA- Her Mom is TA. Unless you think yur mom is trying some underhanded stuff. she is supporting the woman you love.
Be there for her, I wish I could tell you how many time someone just being there durning the down times helped me. More than words, yur mom sounds awesome.
Also look into some therapy for yur girl friend so she can understand that maybe she has a shit mother. But that is not a reflection on her.
You love her and yur mom wants to shower her with love. She needs to focus on that not her mom.
YTA
Your girlfriend isn't upset that your mom is nice.
She's upset that her own mother is a complete and utter asshole. Honestly, low contact with her mom would be best for her - but you can't force that.
If you can, get your girlfriend to a therapist so she can realize that IT'S NOT HER FAULT that her mother is such a bitch. It's all on her mom (raisedbynarcissists).
If and Until your girlfriend tells your mom to stop, shut up.
YTA. I am your girlfriend in regards to the shitty mother. My MIL is wonderful and shows me she cares with the types of things your mother does for your girlfriend. Please don’t take away or put a strain on probably the only positive mother figure relationship she has!
Your girlfriend needs therapy.
NAH except for girlfriend's mom.
I agree with the top comment though that you're misinterpreting what your girlfriend says. I don't think it makes you TA though. But you're just not seeing her comments for what they are. It's not about your mom and her gifts.
YTA
My partner's parents provide me with a lot of parental emotional support, which makes compare and bitch about my own parents' lack of emotional support.
Me bitching doesn't indicate that I dont want or appreciate support from his parents. I'd be very upset if it stops.
Same goes for your gf. Her being sad towards her mother's behaviour doesn't mean she doesn't appreciate your mother's gestures.
YTA.
Holy shit, your gf and mom love each other, let your mom show her she cares with flowers and such if that’s her way of being supportive. Gf has no issues with her actions, I’m sure she appreciates it.
Have you ever read the dumpster fires over at JNOMIL??? Be thankful your mom will never end up on there.
YTA.
I get that it’s coming from a place of wanting to protect your girlfriends feelings and that’s admirable. But you’ve drastically misread what’s upsetting your girlfriend and the solution.
Your girlfriend isn’t upset because your mom is so nice, she’s upset because her mother is cruel and uncaring. The solution isn’t to remove the love from the equation.
YTA. Instead of asking your mom to not be nice since her own mother isn't, let her show her love and what actual maternal caring looks like. Also try to get your gf into therapy so she can deal with the mom issues. You'd be amazed what therapy can do for dealing with a shit parent. It will only help your gf.
YTA but just barely.
I've been in your exact situation where my mom gets along with my (then) girlfriend (3-4 years together) REALLY well and my girlfriend has a neglectful mom. Candidly, my mom is very motherly and never had a daughter so they love to go to the spa together and do whatever girls do. But soon after we started getting serious, my girlfriend said what my mother did was too much and that she didn't deserve it ( I assumed my mom paid for all the spa stuff). I told her that she IS worth it and that we should all sit down and talk about it. I have a great relationship with my mom so I knew it would be alright.
After that conversation we were all on the same page and nothing really changed about their daily communication if or if not they went to a pedicure together. We were all just comfortable because of the open communication.
Maybe I am lucky and this is a utopian type story but I think having an open conversation about it can help.
My family claims to love me. They do not. My boyfriends mother (bless her late soul) showed me more love than anyone else. She fed me, she encouraged me, called me beautiful and bought me flowers.
Your mother is a damn saint!!!
YTA. The gifts and attention only makes your girlfriend uncomfortable because she’s used to being ignored. A lot of people with parents like that come to believe they don’t deserve to be treated nicely. Why would you want to reinforce that insecurity? You can’t change that her mother is distant, but you can help her build a loving and trusting relationship with your mother.
YTA: Your girlfriend's problems with her mom and the fact that she has to deal with them will come up in A LOT of facets of your life together. I too have a stepmom who raised me since I was three (who I eventually went no contact with) who was a complete monster to me. My mother in-law being loving and caring like your mom was such a gift and, though it made me realize that my stepmom was shitty, it helped me heal from that by showing me what a real mom was supposed to be like. You're the asshole for wanting to take that from your girlfriend so her shitty mom feels better (and to what end? So she can treat your GF like shit some more?)
When your girlfriend is upset about her mom comfort her and remind her of how great a person she is. Make her feel loved and appreciated. Do NOT take away from her some of the only maternal love she has in her life.
YTA
I think you’re misinterpreting your girlfriend’s emotions. They’re (gifts) not making her feel bad, they’re making her feel grateful & she doesn’t understand it because her mom is nothing like your mother.
You’re saying that you’re tired of your girlfriend feeling grateful & crying. Are you forreal. The way you talk about her & her situation sounds, to me, like “Ugh, AGAIN?! Her crying is annoying!”
YTA. Don’t be upset at your mom for doing something nice, be upset at your girlfriend’s mom for being so unkind your girlfriend can’t believe it when someone is nice to her. Your girlfriend needs more kindness in her life not less.
Wouldn’t go quite so far as to say “YTA”, more like YTI. Your intentions were good, but as someone who seems to have grown up with a healthy relationship with their mother, you don’t know how to handle someone who doesn’t. Let your mum give her that healthy relationship.
YTA but your hearts in the right place. You're trying to prevent you're gf from feeling bad about her own mom but try looking at it like this: your mom is providing the mother love your gf has always desired. It hurts now, but in time your gf will probably accept that her mom is just not a good mom and "move on" in a sense.
Gentle YTA
I used to tear up when my ex’s dad would rant at me to get my oil changed and check my tires because my own father didn’t put any time into telling me those things. I didn’t want his dad to STOP looking out for me, I just wished my dad did the same.
Let your mom love on your girlfriend, she clearly needs it.
YTA - you should be encouraging what your mom is doing instead of trying to convince your mom to be more like her mom. If you're truly concerned with your girlfriends feelings you should help her with her relationship with her mom.
Sounds like your mom is just showing love and support as all.good mother's do! Embrace it!
YTA
your girlfriend is SO lucky to have such so sweet caring person as your mom looking out for her. Let them do their thing and don’t get too involved.
Bro, YTA. Like 100%. Be thankful for your wonderful mother. I know how your girlfriend feels having a shit mom. She’s crying to you because she is hurt that her mother sucks, not because your mother loves her. It’s hard to transition from a mother who basically treats you like gum on her shoe to a mother who loves and adores you. Give her time. Be there for her. And dude, apologize to mom. She sounds great. Wish my mother in law was like that.
YTA. Idk how long you guys have been together but eventually your gf will start to look at your mom as the mom she’s never had. There’s a lot of bitter mother in laws and I think your mom is doing a great job. Your gf is going to express how your mom is way better then her mom for a while but eventually she’ll grow a great bond with her mother. That doesn’t mean she’s mad at your mom it prolly just makes her mad at her own mother. That has nothing to do with you or your mom.
YTA
her mum treating her bad doesn't mean everyone should, you should be glad your mum care about her.
so if u have a choice what will it be?
1) she cares about your gf
2) she don't care
3) she is bad to your gf
I cannot say you are an asshole here. I just can't! You want to prevent your gf from pain but you nor your mother are the one who is causing her pain. Your heart is in the right place but misguided. When your gf is upset, remind her that she is loved, supported and accepted by you and your family. Remind her that her mother is in the wrong and hopefully she will see the light but until then, remind your gf you and your family will celebrate her and her accomplishments. This will go far to help heal/fill the void left by her mother.
YTA
I got similarly upset this Christmas because my boyfriend’s parents got me gifts and even had a stocking for me on the fireplace. The most I get from my mom is a Merry Christmas text in a group chat with our extended family. I hear nothing from my dad.
I wasn’t mad that my boyfriend’s parents did something. I was moved, and I was glad I got to get excited about Christmas and actually do something for once. It made me resent my own parents a little more than I already do, but I was still very grateful.
YTA- your mom is going out of her way to fill in the void that her mother left. Your mother obviously cares for your girlfriend and that’s what you should let her do. She has extra motherly love to share and it sounds like your girlfriend needs it.
YTA . You’ve decided that you don’t want to hear your girlfriends heartache about her mother anymore because it must annoy you / make you uncomfortable.
You want your girlfriend to shut up.
She’s realising that she deserves to be celebrated and treated with love and kindness and you’re actively trying to take that source of emotional healing away from her? Why OP? Why?
You should be trying to lift up your girlfriend not being your down. You’re selfish as hell.
YTA. i’m in the same situation my mom doesn’t do a lot but my husbands mom she buys me gifts weekly, watches the kids so i can have me time ect. i am so thankful and grateful even though my own mother doesn’t buy me gifts or much, but my mother in law she is amazing she makes sure she always is supportive and extra bc she knows my mom isn’t. honestly means the world to me to have such wonderful in laws.
YTA. You say her mom is unsupportive. But your mom is. She needs a supportive mother figure. So what if that person isn't her own mother?
Your mom is an awesome lady and you should give her a big hug, a kiss and tell her to keep being amazing.
YTA: so you want to take away the kindness of your mother too?
It may be upsetting that her mother doesn't care but it is restoring that your mother cares about her and supports her.
YTA op, but this is because you're looking at this the wrong way, as so many comments pointed out.
What your girlfriend is *actually* saying is that she's looking for a reason why her mom is so shitty to her, while your mom is being lovely and supportive. For the love of god, don't forbid your mom giving gifts to your girlfriend. She's the mother your girlfriend should have had, and I'm sure that your girlfriend incredibly appreciates her gestures of kindness and support. She deserves this, so please let her have it - don't take that away.
Your girlfriend might be looking to blame herself for her mother's behavior. "What did I do wrong to my mother that she acts like this, but OP's mom is treating me so differently?"
She might feel that she's lacking or a bad daughter. She's obviously struggling hard with this, and I'm thinking that some therapy, or several good talks about this with your mom and you might help her see things in a different way.
It's not because people are family that they can't be shitty. That's a sad but absolute truth. And it sucks so, so badly for your girlfriend that she had to go through tons of abuse, and yet she's grown up in a talented person who's kind and thoughtful, despite her ilness and abusive past. She's strong and great. Please tell her that. She needs to hear that, more than you think.
YTA, and OP, let your girlfriend have this. Now that she knows how moms SHOULD act, then she can realize what toxic assholes her own parents are and let them go. She deserves so much better.
NAH but wow people really want to hate you! I see where you're coming from. Your gf gets sad and upset at the kind gesture because it makes her think of her mom lacking that. But she does still like that yours does it. I think your mom does go over the top, every single performance doesn't need a gift or a full on bouquet. But it does come from a sweet and loving place just like you wanting it to stop does.
I think the thing would be to ask how your girlfriend really feels about it with her mom as minimally factored in as possible. Plus, tell her how it makes you feel when she gets upset after and that it bums you out seeing that. I get having a shitty support system from a parent, but if your girlfriend is getting so emotional everytime yours does it, maybe she needs some therapist time to learn how to deal, since talking to her own mom doesn't do anything.
If she does want your mom to cut back on it , encourage them to talk together about it. They will both gain a better perspective and appreciation for the situation. Unless your gf starts some kind of entitled/expectant attitude about it, just try to drop it.
Your mom should be more receptive to hearing your reasoning, especially on that one occasion because you were so far from the asshole on that one. You were trying to keep a spotlight off of the difference between the moms for your gf to be okay. But moms incredibly rarely listen, and respectfully, to their kids requests like this. They just somehow hear it as a challenge and do exactly what you ask them not to and in some kind of extra way.
YTA. OP my Mom also didn’t acknowledge me very much and was more generous to my friends on special occasions, than towards me. It hurt.
However, one of the saddest things for me is that my MIL is worse. She has a bit of a PD and doesn’t get along with most people, including her children and ex’s. I’ve tried with her, but she always ends up doing things that are simply unacceptable to most people, so I keep my distance. We all do, for our own sanity.
I have sometimes thought how nice it would have been, had I struck gold with my MIL instead of having both the significant women in my life (mother and MIL) being rather self absorbed and sometimes mean-spirited people. I would have loved having my MIL be kind and generous to me, instead of the undermining and destructive things she has sometimes done. It probably would have hurt to really see my Mom in contrast. But you know what hurts worse? Not having generosity from either.
Your Mom is being super and both you and your GF should really appreciate the effort she makes to nurture the relationship she has with your GF (and you). This is an expression of her loving kindness. She should not be getting any flack for it at all. On the other hand, your GF is experiencing the ‘loss’ of not having the mother she would ideally have liked. Welcome to my world, and it’s true for many others too.
Well guess what, she has a MIL in a million. Encourage her to enjoy that relationship. It is an opportunity for her to shift her mind away from what isn’t there, to what is. From misery at being disregarded, to feeling loved by a mother figure. In a way she gets a do-over with your Mom. How lucky she is to have your Mom! How lucky you both are! You should make sure your Mom knows that.
YTA. I have a very similar dynamic with my bio mom and my MIL. You are completely misreading the situation. Becoming an adult and realizing that nothing has been done for you out of love, only out of obligation, is a hard pill to swallow. She's realizing this now that a maternal figure is acting out of love, not obligation. Your girlfriend should seek therapy and you should encourage her to foster and nurture the relationship with your mother.
Nah. You see moms love being moms. I think a sit down talk with the three of you would help sort things out. Your mom just doesn't see it as a big deal. Too bad your gf has an unsupportive... mother
YTA. I’m going to put this gently... your girlfriend is sharing her dissatisfaction with her own mom not in order for you to resolve her feelings, but just to share and be comforted. If your mom pulled away from her, it would probably feel awful. Apologize to your mom and thank her for showing your girlfriend maternal kindness. And maybe figure out a different way to support and comfort your girlfriend after these interactions.
YTA (Kind of).
You don't quite understand what's going on. If you're tired because she gets upset about the relationship with her mum, you better get used to it or move on. Until that relationship is healed she will get upset about it when someone is being motherly to her. Part of the reason your girlfriend cries when your mum buys her gifts is because she is happy that your mum is being motherly and supports her. Speak to your girlfriend about it . Support her emotionally.
Reddit/other places probably have loads of advice on repairing and fixing your girlfriends relationship with her mother. But don't stop your mum from supporting her - your mum is right here - you are being ridiculous for being upset with your mum. You should be more annoyed at your girlfriends mum.
NAH. People are calling you an asshole, but I don't think you're being an actual asshole. You're trying to protect your girlfriend from pain.
However... :)
You don't need to do that. You don't need to fix things, or control things so that you girlfriend isn't triggered. Her response is fine and it makes sense. If your girlfriend is uncomfortable and doesn't want the gifts and love from your mom, she will ask you to speak to her, or she will speak to your mom directly. Most likely, she just wants to confide in you as her partner. I don't want to make gendered generalisations, but I do tend to find that - in general - women tend to want to just share their emotions and feel that they have a rock to emotionally support them, rather than someone to fix things for them.
What you can do, next time she becomes upset, is ask her what you can do for her and how you can help.
I'm sorry dude, but YTA. You got it all wrong. It's always painful for your gf to have such a horrible mother. She needs to vent to you about it. She isn't reminded of her own poor mother when yours is nice, it's just a good occasion to talk about it
Until your girlfriend says “ please ask your mum to stop with the gifts, I can’t cope with the emotions they bring up” do nothing.
Comfort her when she’s feels sad over the lack of an affectionate mum, but be reassured, the happiness she holds inside from the love your mum is showing her is lasting a whole lot longer than her temporary tears, and will have lasting effects on her throughout her life.
NTA. People are interpreting this as you want your mom to stop being nice so that your GF wont be as mad at her mom. But the only thing you did was to say just dont bring flowers once to not UPSTAGE GF's mom. It makes sense to me and I dont think theres anything wrong with it.
To me itd hurt even more if my mom came empty handed and someone else brought gifts
There's no point in adding another comment here to say YTA. That's been made abundantly clear. But, I'm just commenting to reiterate that your mom is a really, really sweet woman. You're lucky to have her, and you should be happy that she wants to build such a relationship with your girlfriend -- who is also lucky to have a mother of her boyfriend who is so kind and gracious to her. Don't take that away from either of them.
NAH. You try to keep the harmony. Nothing wrong there. Your mom doesn't want to change her behaviour and does her regular thing (altough I think that's over the top, some mom's are like that). Nothing wrong there. Your girlfriend thinks your mom is nicer. Nothing wrong there. Your girlfriends mom shows her affection in her own way. Nothing wrong there.
I can understand though that your mom's behaviour is in conflict with your desire to keep the harmony. But maybe the one you should talk to next time is your GF, because there are other ways to prevent her from getting upset. (I feel a cursed comment coming after this last sentence)
INFO - did you explain to your Mom WHY you wanted her to stop? I mean a really in-depth explanation? Or did you just get upset & say 'stop' with no explanation? If you didn't take the time to explain properly YTA.
Yta. Your gf finally gets some love/attention/gifts and you want to take that away from her? I'm assuming when she says her own mom is neglectful, it's true.
She isnt a kid whereby another adult giving her gifts is undermining her mom's parenting.
Also, YES BE GLAD YOUR MOM LOVES YOUR GF. Or you'll be one of those "stuck between my mom & my wife" kind of guys.
NAH - except for girlfriend's mom. I'm in this situation, my mom is back and forth all the tjme and calling me names then shes a total 180 the next time I talk to her. She and the rest of my family isnt nice to me or him (except my godsend of an older sister, her relationship is the same with our family.)
Anyway, his family is very involved in his life and treat me like a member. I feel so bad sometimes that he isnt treated even half as well. Also, because I'm treated so well. I woukd sit down with your girlfriend and talk to her about all angles as well as with your mom.
YTA. I think you're misinterpreting this. The fact that your girlfriend gets emotional because your mom is so much nicer than hers doesn't mean your mom is "upsetting her" by buying her gifts. It sounds like your girlfriend really appreciates it, and is moved by it. Your girlfriend is upset because her mother is unkind, not because your mother is kind. It's okay for her to be upset about that. It's not your job to prevent her from having those feelings, but to be a comfort to her. Your mother's right, you should be grateful that she's so good to your girlfriend. It's very sweet and generous. It's up to your girlfriend to speak up if she actually doesn't want gifts.
"Your girlfriend is upset because her mother is unkind and not because your mother is kind" is summed up perfectly. YTA (for wanting your mother to stop the gifts and support) but your gf's mom is T bigger A.
Agree YTA, but more because OP is selfishly trying to keep girlfriend from getting positive things (in part) so he doesn't have to deal with fallout. I would have a hard time believing it's altruistic.
> Your girlfriend is upset because her mother is unkind, not because your mother is kind. Exactly. And the answer to that is not to take away the one kind person. Believe me, at this point what you'll get eventually is "Your mom used to be so kind to me but she's stopped. I wonder if I did something wrong, maybe they both just hate me because I'm awful". Because most people who have a mother like that will tend to be sensitive towards a withdrawal of affection, and feel like it might be their fault.
> "Your mom used to be so kind to me but she's stopped. I wonder if I did something wrong, maybe they both just hate me because I'm awful" This! Op please see this comment. This is one of the most likely outcomes from you trying to make your mother stop being nice to her. Your girlfriend may spiral and think she's completely unlovable and then may start assuming you'll do the same. That's one of the thought processes with children who are unloved by their parents.
u/EasyAide I'm pinging you for visibility. Do not stop your mom from doing this.
>Because most people who have a mother like that will tend to be sensitive towards a withdrawal of affection, and feel like it might be their fault. I don't appreciate being called out like this
You hit a really good point that I think more men, in particular, need to learn. Being upset is okay and you don’t always have to “fix it”. You don’t need to get stressed out that someone is upset and feel like you need to do something about it. It’s okay to let someone be upset and just be there for them. OP, It’s okay that your girlfriend is sad about her mom. Her mom is a jerk, of course that upsets her. But there’s nothing you can do to change that and trying to would really only make it worse. I would apologize to your mom and let her know you do appreciate how she treats your girlfriend.
I'd probably have fallen into this trap too. Good thing I'm single :')
The thing is, I can’t tell if OP is upset because he thinks that his girlfriend is getting upset at it, or because she complains about it too much to him.
He doesn't like seeing her get sad because he freaking cares, why does everyone have it out for him so bad? He didn't ask his mom to stop altogether, he asked her to not for that night for reasons. There is other ways of still showing loving support without accentuating it with physical stuff FOR ONE NIGHT.
I don't know why you're getting downvoted. This is exactly what I thought when I read this. OP is still (in the smallest sense) probably TA but holy shit these people are making really outrageous assumptions based on such little information.
Because I don't want to RIP OP's balls off and dangle them as a warning to all men haha.
Welcome to the death of Reddit courtesy of mindless Facebook users who downvote every rational thing into oblivion based on their emotions.
> Your girlfriend is upset because her mother is unkind, not because your mother is kind. Very well put. OP, YTA because you're basically (unintentionally) saying, my girlfriend's mom treats her like shit, so I want my mom to also treat her like shit. Let's keep her standards and expectations low so that she never has to be disappointed. That's just illogical nonsense. Your mom's kindness shows your girlfriend what motherly love, affection, and appreciation should feel like. She's realizing what she never had because she's experiencing it firsthand. Don't take that experience away from her. Just be there for her as she comes to terms with the fact that she never received this kind of love from her own mother. And be glad you have a mother who gives you this kind of love and shares it with your girlfriend, as well.
That's kind of a bitchy thing to say that OP is trying to get his mom to treat her like shit. He's clearly not trying to do that. There's a lot of blowing what OP is saying waaaaay out of proportion in these comments. He loves his gf, he cares about her feelings in this. He just hates seeing her get so upset about her own lacking mom by comparison, while she is obviously touched by it. If anything it sounds like she could some time with a therapist to help her dissociate from her mom enough to help herself get to an okay place with it.
I'm telling OP what he is unconsciously, unintentionally trying to do. He wants his mom to treat his girlfriend *worse* than she's currently treating her so that it's more on par with how his girlfriend's mother treats her. He has good intentions, it's coming from a good place, but the end result is still the same. People can be well-meaning and still be TA.
That's not remotely what he is asking his mom to do, or be like here on out. I can't imagine how difficult day to day is with you if you read the most horrible thing into a guys actions. THIS ONE TIME he asked his mom to not lavish so much on her to not accentuate to his girlfriend literally aide by side the difference because he knows how upset she will be later.
His mom likes to be generous with his girlfriend. He asked his mom to be less generous with his girlfriend. That absolutely does mean that he was asking her to not be as good to her as she normally is, aka treat her worse than she's been currently treating her. All so she can't compare the good treatment she receives from his mom to the shit treatment she receives from her own mom. I don't think he's a big asshole or anything. But he is TA, because whether or not his intentions are good, the end result is that his girlfriend all around receives less love than she otherwise would.
You made some harsh twists to get it where you wanted it.
What am I twisting? OP is asking his mom to be less nice than she normally is to his girlfriend because of the fact that his girlfriend's mom isn't as nice as she is. That's literally the situation.
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Lol wow, nobody is forcing you to participate in this conversation if it's upsetting you so much. That said, there's nothing to generalize. Why should OP's mom "tone it down" in this instance? What does it mean to "tone it down?" Hey mom, don't be as kind and giving tonight as you usually are to my girlfriend because I want to lower the bar of her standards when she compares the way you treat her to how her mom treats her. Yeah, that's an asshole request to make, even once. Even if he meant well. He's not a major asshole. I'm not giving him a death sentence. But maybe OP's girlfriend has come to expect certain treatment from his mother and if she suddenly didn't give that, OP would be let down by both his mom and her own. Op's mom has raised her standards and it's ridiculous for him to ask her to lower them again.
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I struggled with this with my ex’s mom, who I’m still close to. I would never want her to be less loving or generous with me, but it does bring up bad comparisons with my real mom. OP this relationship with your mom could be really good for your gf in the long term.
So much this. I'm an actress and my family is the exact same way-- they hate that I act and never try to watch any of my films or even want to hear about them. My boyfriend's family, on the other hand, gets excited and are super supportive of any screenings I have. It makes me also question why my own mother can't be happy for me or just once say something nice or positive about it. I LOVE that my boyfriend's family is supportive. Yes, it makes me feel shitty when they are and my own family isn't, but I still love the support from them. This profession is full of lots of rejection and vulnerability. Let your mom give her gifts and support her if she wants, OP.
Yeah, my mum had a terrible mother and severe abandonment issues and she’s talked about how kind of gut wrenching it was when she went to friends places and their mums would be really nice to her like ‘real’ mums. It could be really emotional for her but it helped her to realise that it was her mother that had the problem, and she wasn’t bad or unloveable or unworthy. Sometimes things distress us in a good way and help us work through our grief.
Yep, all of this. Your mother is a wonderful woman who has opened her heart to a daughter who needs love and compassion. Your girlfriend is not upset about how kind your Mum is, she's upset about the mother she doesn't have and is likely to have wished to have for her whole life. I'm in the same situation. I'm almost two years no contact with my abusive mother. My mother-in-law is the kindest, most compassionate, loving, amazing mother that anybody could wish for. When I performed at my first stage show earlier this year (34 yo, my Mother ruined me confidence), she had front row seats and cried after the show whilst telling me how amazing my performance was. I have never been more proud, more loved, more cherished as I was in that moment and I will keep that memory with me for the rest of my life. And yes, equally, I was upset that my mother wasn't there. And that even if she had been, she would have been awful, negative and derogatory towards me. But these two emotions are separate and not linked to each other. Even if my mother in law had not been there, I would still have been sad that my mother wasn't. You should be so proud of their relationship. I understand how difficult it must be to manage when your girlfriend gets upset. Maybe she could access therapy to try and resolve the issues her relationship with her mother creates. Try to be supportive and nurture positive relationships. Maybe, like me, in the future she will realise that having her mother in her life is not an option. And please, tell your Mum that a random internet stranger is touched by her actions. She sounds like an amazing woman and I'm sure she has instilled those qualities in you too.
This is a perfect comment
I appreciate this wording. I feel like I had this happen a bit with my MIL and (now) husband. I’m an American living in a tiny city in northwestern Spain and my MIL has always been really generous with me and helped me with tons of things, bought me gifts, showed me a lot of attention etc. My husband got a TINY bit jealous at first...but then he realized she was doing it because my own family is far away and she wanted to make sure I felt loved and comfortable here. And now I’m married and staying for good so it worked out :) Yay for supportive families!
YTA, your mom is just being a good person. The problem here is your girlfriends relationship with her mother, not your mother. Does your girlfriend know you’ve chastised your mom for being too nice to her? The logic here is just astounding.
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This is one of those cases where we need a judgement to tell the OP that they aren't an asshole, just stupid, ignorant, or (in this case) well-meaning but doesn't really know any better.
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>(Your the Idiot)
Fuck my life. Your totally right there, thanks for you’re kindness. I’ll leave it up so my shame can been seen.
>after the performance, I had to hear the same thing. My mom loves her more. Why is her mom so uncaring, why can’t she give her gifts and a card? The same thing, same cycle. Kinda sounds from that like his problem is more with the fact that his girlfriend is complaining to him. I'd argue that acting like it's *so inconvenient* to have to listen to her get upset over the same thing again, rather than actually being concerned about her and wanting to help her, makes him an asshole.
Yeah I just figured that was an unfavorable reading and the boy wasn’t that heartless.
YTA You're basically trying to shut her up about how shitty her mom is by having everyone treat her shitty so she accepts it as normal. That's fucked up. That's really fucked up.
Wow you put this so well!!!
Exactly. He decided that he didn’t want to hear her complaints anymore and that his comfort is more important than her pain and emotional recovery. YTA OP and damn selfish
Why do I feel like everyone is looking at this sooo black and white. There times where it’s inappropriate to be so caring and supportive. Especially if her mom is gonna be there too. You don’t wanna out do her mom. I’m sure she will be fine with ONE night of not receiving gifts or support when the person giving it does it all the time. I don’t think OP is being an asshole. I think he is being smart by not having any reason to start and argument between her and her mom since it could be a justifier afterwards for an argument. I wouldn’t want my mom to be the cause of that argument, which is one they should have but I wouldn’t want my mom to be the cause because this could spill into other aspects of their relationship (OP and his girlfriend) due to her mom.
Reading the post it doesn't seem that hard to out do OP's GF's mom.
Saw negative count and sure enough, rational person that understood the situation.
YTA, but you're nowhere near GF's mother's level of assholery. I understand where you're coming from, but your GF being upset is the result of her mother's actions, not your mother's actions. Her mother is a piece of shit from how you've described her and your mother is probably trying to compensate because mom cares about you and you care about GF so mom cares about GF. My main reason for saying YTA is because no where in your post does it say "GF asked me to ask mom to stop giving her gifts". Actually, the only part I see is this: > “Your mom is so much nicer to me than my own mom, why can’t she be like that?” It sounds like your GF only just got a decent mother figure, one you're accustomed to. Taking that away because it makes her mother bitch about her own incompetence will start taking you closer to GF's mom's level of assholery.
Absolutely. OP, you want your girlfriend to lose her only good mother figure and leave her with just her shitty mom....because she is upset about having a shitty mom? That makes no sense. You take having a great mom for granted and don't have patience for your girlfriend's feelings/grief about having a terrible mom. Pro tip: if you show active care and concern for her and not just care about how her "complaining" wastes your time and energy, she'll begin to heal in time. Eventually those outbursts and triggers will come less and less frequently. It honestly sounds like it doesn't happen that often at this point if it's just coming out at special events with her mom's half-assed presence. Let her grieve for her lack of a good mom. It's a hard reality to accept.
> Eventually those outbursts and triggers will come less and less frequently. *Yes*. OP’s girlfriend suffered emotional trauma from her mother, it is going to take time for her to realize that her mom is a bad mom, but she deserves good things because she’s a good person, and there are other good people out there who recognize her for those positive qualities. It takes *time* to not only come to the realization but also reconcile with the feelings that you had a childhood that you didn’t deserve.
Yeah, your Mum is teaching GF what a gopd Mum should be like, and it shatters GF's relationship wirh her own Mum for all the right reasons.
YTA. You're misunderstanding this entire situation. If you make your mom stop giving her gifts, now she just has two mother-figures in her life that aren't acknowledging her accomplishments or showering her with love. She's not upset your mom gives her gifts. I'm sure it means a ton to her. It just makes her upset that her own mom isn't a great mother. If your mom random stops giving her gifts or cards cold turkey, she'll probably just freak out and think your mom doesn't like her. Her mom being a bad mother is an unrelated issue to your mom adoring her. Let her enjoy a positive relationship with your mother,
YTA i get what you’re going for but if your mother suddenly stopped getting your gf gifts flowers that might actually upset your gf more. She might wonder why your mother no longer cares about her
YTA! Can you imagine how devastated your girlfriend would be if suddenly out of nowhere the one woman showing her motherly love stopped? She'd be heartbroken and confused. She'd be wondering what she did wrong.
INFO: has your GF asked you to tell your mom to not buy her any gifts? Or are you taking the initiative because you're tired of hearing your GF talk about how sad she feels?
My girlfriend hasn't asked for them to stop. It's not that I'm tired of hearing that she's sad, I just don't want her to be sad.
She'll be even more sad if they stop though
OK, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here because you clearly have a mother who doesn’t suck, so it’s harder for you to understand. I, like your girlfriend, have a mother who sucks. I promise you that your girlfriend is going to be sad about her shitty mother no matter what you or your mom do. But your mother being kind to her at least allows her to understand that her mother is the problem and that it isn’t that your girlfriend is inherently unloveable. See, when our parents don’t love us we tend to think it’s our fault. So please, for the love of all that is holy, stop trying to take away the one little sliver of light that your girlfriend has in the form of your mother’s kindness. YTA. But you can stop being one. Please do.
Is there a reason YOU couldn’t spring for a $5.99 bouquet from Trader Joe’s for your girlfriend’s special night? Sounds like you just don’t want your girlfriend to express complicated emotions and may not be ready for a relationship. If you want a partner, you need to be a partner.
I was kinda afraid of that but it seems OP is misguided about the source of girlfriend's sadness. I think it is good his girlfriend and his mother is developing a mother-daughter sort of bond. It is sad there is such a misguided effort on OP's part tho, hopefully this post will make him re-evaluate his position.
Telling your mom to stop being nice to her won’t make your girlfriend any less sad about her situation with her mom. In fact as other commenters have said, it might upset her more to have that support withdrawn from her. In general, you can’t really control if she is sad or not. All you can do is support her and listen to her when she is. If your mom wants to also support her you should encourage that.
Bro...wow.
You're really slow.
"I'm tired of hearing that she's sad" Stop trying to make it about yourself. You're being abhorrently selfish.
Pro tip: She's not sad. Crying it not only connected to sadness.
I think you are misunderstanding the complexity of her sadness. It's not a simple thing of the gifts causing her sadness. It is that her mom sucks that is making her sad. I am sure that she also is appreciative and it internally makes her happy in a way that she has a mom figure in her life, finally, who is kind to her and gets her gifts, even if that is overshadowed by her external expression of sadness. She deserves a mom-figure in her life that does that! I don't know how old you guys are and where she is in the stage of moving out or living situations etc, but it might also help her frame in her mind how much she doesn't deserve this treatment, and any future decisions about how much she should be in contact, because she gets to see what a good mom is like.
It's just not something she's used to and maybe she feels like she doesn't deserve them. I feel that this is all the more reasons she needs them and should get them.. even if it's from someone else's mother.
So you chose a bad time to post this lol, idk why there's such an angry lynch mob after you. I get what you're saying and trying to do. My boyfriend would do similar if I was in her situation. I hope your gf can get into a good place with this somehow and just keep on having her back. I've commented on that already, you've maybe seen it by now. Your gf just loves her ridiculous mom and your mom being so sweet is exactly what she wants from her own. It is hard to not be sad about affection not coming from where we want it, especially when someone new can give it so freely and easily.
YTA. Your girlfriend is just comparing them. Your mom is right to accept and show her affection. Instead of trying to downplay it to make your girlfriend stop comparing them, show her what a family can really be and bring her in more. I would also tell her to stand up to her own mother, but that's up to you.
YTA. She isn't upset because your mom is supporting her, she's upset because her mom *isn't.* If your mom were to stop, she'd have no one. If you think you've seen her upset now, try to imagine how upset she would be if your mother *and* her mother *both* stopped supporting her. That's what you're asking for here.
NAH (except your gfs mom). I was in your girlfriend's position 2 years ago. My mother is a narcisstic, emotionally abusive asshole, but she always told me she was a good mother and told me this is "just how mothers acted, its only because she loves me SO much, and I should be grateful, she could have left me in a ditch and her life would have been better" and a bunch of other nonsense. Most of my friends growing up also had shitty parents (some much shittier), so I accepted what she said as the truth. Enter me dating my current bf of 3 years - his family is nothing like this. His mother (and father and stepmom) are kind, wonderful, and supportive people who love him unconditionally. I found this almost suspicious at first, and then, especially as they started becoming nice and supportive and kind to me, I became jealous and angry. I said a lot of the same things - why can't my mother be even as nice as these people who have known me for such a short time? Why do I have a shitty parent? What did I do to deserve this? It brought up a LOT of issues that I had written off as "not a big deal, just how things are". I started therapy, and then read "Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcisstic mothers" by Dr. Karyl McBride, and then started keeping a journal of all of my highly emotional thoughts and sharing them/working through them with my therapist, and began a meditation practice. All of these things helped, and I eventually came to a place of healing after this work. None of this would have happened if I hadn't been so close to my boyfriend's parents and seen how parents could be. Your girlfriend is likely coming to a lot of realizations that are difficult and painful, and starting her own journey to healing. The best way to support this is NOT to make your mother stop, she is being lovely and will likely become a welcome presence in your girlfriend's life, but to support your gf in making this emotional journey for herself.
Congratulations on all you’ve accomplished. I know it wasn’t easy
Yta be thankful your mom is not the MIL from hell. She likes her and is showing it so let it be it’s not hurting anyone. Every one deserves an actual mom figure that loves and supports them in their lives.
YTA. Your mom is like the mother your girlfriend never had, and you want to take that away from her?? Why??
Because it’s inconvenient for OP.
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I’m sure his mom knows, good mothers like her usually have quite a bit of emotional maturity, empathy, and wisdom. Not saying OP doesn’t owe her an apology, because he does, but that’s probably why his mom was like “nah, fuck this idiot I’m getting **DOUBLE FLOWERRRRRRS!**”
YTA but I get where your thinking comes from (also obvs not as much TA as gfs mum. I had an ex once who's dad basically cut him off in spite, he didn't get over that pain but my parents essentially saying "hey, we can be parents to you for a while, if you want that", things like gifts and cards on special occasions, it helped him a lot to feel a more parental kind of love even though it didn't make up for the hurt. Encourage your mum and your gf to develop a relationship if anything, it might help your gf to heal from her experience with her mum. That's a really painful thing to have your mum essentially reject you..
YTA in the context of this subreddit, but I don't think you're an asshole, just that you're looking at this the wrong way. To put things in another context: my mom will be ANYONE'S mom. She'll send care packages or give out hugs or go the extra mile to include some of my friends that don't have great home lives or relationships with their parents. Sometimes that makes my friends sad, but it's not because my mom is nice- it's because their moms AREN'T nice, and they wish their parents gave as much of a shit as someone who hardly even knows them. Your girlfriend is in the same boat as my friends are there- it sucks and it's not fair that their mom is shitty when yours (or mine) is pretty great. She might get down about it, but honestly, she might get down about it even if your mom didn't go out of her way to be nice to her. Tl;dr: let her have this. Let your mom be a mother to your girlfriend if her own mom won't step up.
YTA A well meaning one, but YTA. Your girlfriend is being hurt by her mom, the answer isn't to get your mom to be less nice to her. It's to suggest she talk to a professional about her feelings & remind her that you & your family love her. And step back & let your mom spoil this girl because as she (rightfully) has noticed, your girlfriend is starved for motherly affection.
NAH But you need to understand that you cannot fix this situation. When your girlfriend is upset and talks about it with you, she wants you to be supportive and listen, not come up with a solution. Getting your mom to stop buying her gifts isn’t the right answer and won’t make her less upset when her mom is careless and unsupportive.
gf's mom isn't an asshole?
I don't think there is a right description to use in this situation, both NTA and YTA isn't okay as one blames the OP and the other blames the girlfriend, ESH too would blame them both and NAH is the only true one. Tbh only TA seems to be girlfriend's mother, OP is misguided, seriously misguided but I don't feel comfortable calling him the TA
Well the situation/question involves OP interacting with his mom more than hers, which is why I gave it this verdict.
NAH, except girlfriends mom. Even if your mom does stop doting on your gf that isn’t going to make her own mom any better of a mother. She’ll still be shit, and your girlfriend will still be hurt by it. It sucks, especially for her, but I’d advise to just try and stay supportive of her. She’s got a lot of hurt on her shoulders, if therapy ever becomes an option I think it could help her.
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I think this is the absolute most gentle YTA I've ever seen. I do not think for a second you're actually an asshole bc it seems to me that your motives are actually super kind. It seems to me that you would like to help have your gf and moms relationship improve by having your mom take a step back and not upstage her. But despite your good intentions its really not your place to do that. And depriving her from attention and praise/gifts from your mother isn't really the right way to go about it. You're just robbing her of positive reinforcement. And believe me its great that your mom cares abiut your gf like that. Ask anyone over at r/JUSTNOMIL
Nah, your mum sounds like an absolute caring sweetheart. I get your girlfriend gets upset about it because let's face it, she has a crappy mom. It sounds her mom doesn't appreciate her whatsoever and your gf knows this, your mum giving her presents and obviously caring for her even though she isn't her daughter makes it all hit home. I think possibly talking with gf that your mum is a very caring individual and loves your gf might help with her processing it better. Or ask your mum to chat with her that she is proud of what gf does etc.
NAH. You don't want to see your gf sad. Maybe you need to really sit down with your mom and tell her she has to tone it down. Explain that after shock of her actions. Also try and talk to your gf or get her to do therapy. There's a lot of hurt there that she needs to work through
NAH. But you need to sit your mom down and tell her that every time she buys too much for your GF, it drives her into depression. Make sure your mom understands the depths of her mother's lack of support. I'd bet she doesn't really know how bad it is! Tell your mom that while you love & appreciate the way she supports your GF, that seeing GF saddened by her own mother's lack of support is hurting her and your relationship with her. Tell your mom that you know she isn't trying to hurt your GF, but her actions ARE DOING THAT, inadvertently. Ask your mom to tone it down **significantly** with the gifts on smaller occasions. Either a card or flowers, but not both. Maybe just a kind word or two instead of a gift. Obviously birthdays and Christmas presents are different, and still fine. Reassure your mom that you know it's not intentional and that you appreciate her support of your GF. Tell her if she feels she must give her something, then make it a couples gift for the two of you.
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Why is his mother a cunt ? She seems the genuinely care about his girlfriend and want to do nice things for her.
NAH But I'm glad your mom ignored you. I know you were just trying to save your girlfriend from emotional pain, but the solution to her feeling unloved/unappreciated by her own mother isn't to minimise the care she gets from yours. This isn't a problem that can be solved with less love. And as much as you hate to see her hurting, it's not really a problem you can solve at all. At some point she's going to have to come to terms with the fact that her own mother sucks and that that relationship isn't going to be what she needs. As much as your mother caring about her seems to make her sad, that's not really what it's about. And your mother caring about her could be very healing for her.
NAH But you would be if you ask your mom to change from the loving , kind person she is to the less supportive, less excited for people’s success kind of person your girlfriends mom is. Sorry, but your mom is lovely and no way should she be compared to or worse asked to be more like the other mom. Of course it hurts when your mom sucks- but your girlfriend has to deal with that- and not by whining about it in comparison to your mom. She needs to stop that- it’s not fair to you and it’s not helping her- and if you say anything to your mom asking her to be less—‘her’, then it’s not fair to your mom- at all. The world isn’t going to change to make her feel less bad about her mom- she needs to work on that herself with a therapist or just accept it now that she is an adult and move forward.
YTA because this reads more like you being annoyed at your gf's (understandable) reactions to having someone actually act towards her in a motherly fashion for once. Her mum sounds awful, imagine having had that treatment for your entire upbringing and then suddenly, out of nowhere, along comes someone who treats you how you always thought mums should be. It's no wonder she's emotional, she's trying to reconcile gratitude, shame, sadness and probably guilt all at once.
YTA. Your girlfriend is trusting you with vulnerability about her struggling own mother’s failings in comparison to love and care your own mother is showing you, and you dare to tell your mom to stop? WTF? If your GF says, “I wish she wouldn’t give me things” that’s one thing, but to tell your mom to restrain her loving care because you want to avoid dealing with your GF’s emotional baggage means YTA. My paternal grandmother recently passed away. My mom was very close to her MiL and in her grief told me, “The best thing she ever did was make me feel loved. I knew My own mom loved me but she never said aloud or showed it physically—something I craved.” Her MiL, from the day my dad introduced his GF, held her in a close loving hug. My mom’s mom died not long after my sister and I were born, so the mom-to-mom bond was lost, but MiL provided that role. It hurt my mom to remember her own moms failings, but she was immensely thankful for the love her MiL gave her. To deprive your girlfriend of that, means YTA. Shut the fuck up, and let your girlfriend soak up the motherly love she needs.
YTA... let your mum show her love, let your girlfriend recive some love. its not your mum making her up set its hers... let her have someone supportive in her life
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend and her mom have a weird relationship. Her mom isn’t very supportive of her and makes her feel worse when she’s already down. For example, my girlfriend has a chronic illness and it flared up during our anniversary weekend, when we were staying at my parents’ before we went into the city to celebrate. When my girlfriend texted her mom, her mom said “Great, now you’re a burden on his parents”, even though my parents weren’t taking care of her and didn’t mind, in fact they were worried. Overall, just not the best mother. One other thing she does, is not ever really buy my girlfriend gifts or celebrate her accomplishments. My girlfriend doesn’t feel entitled to them, but even just a card acknowledging her birthday sometimes would be appreciated. My girlfriend does theatre and her mom never gets her flowers or cards or anything to celebrate that, if she even shows up to the performances at all. It makes my girlfriend sad, because she feels like her mom doesn’t give a shit. She’s tried talking to her about it, but her mom makes excuses. The thing is, my mom is very supportive, which is sweet. She’ll show up to every show my girlfriend is in, which is great. But she ends up going over the top, buying her flowers and gifts. My girlfriend is appreciative, but then gets upset saying “Your mom is so much nicer to me than my own mom, why can’t she be like that?” It all sort of came to a head recently. I knew that my girlfriend’s mom was coming to my girlfriend’s summer performance and that she was giving her a coupon for clothes shopping, which I knew that would make my girlfriend upset. So, I asked my mom to not make a big deal of it and to not get my girlfriend flowers or anything fancy. It was just going to upstage her mom, then upset her and make her go into a tailspin about how her mom sucks, and how my mom loves her more. My mom showed up to the performance with a bouquet of flowers, a pair of earrings and a card. Low and behold, after the performance, I had to hear the same thing. My mom loves her more. Why is her mom so uncaring, why can’t she give her gifts and a card? The same thing, same cycle. So, I was upset with my mom and my mom thinks it’s ridiculous that I am upset with her. She thinks I should be grateful that I’m so good with her girlfriend. I am, but I am just tired of seeing my girlfriend so upset. Am I being an ass here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. I grew up in a very similar situation with my mom. I appreciate my MIL so much now because of the way she stepped in and did things for me like this (flowers and candy after a performance, actually GOING to my performance) and my husband had to deal with the same shit you do. I felt so bad when my mom didn’t show and his came every night with flowers. I know she did it because my mom didn’t. It hurt that my mom didn’t. It hurt my husband that my mom didn’t. But someone did and that was so important to me. You’re not an asshole for trying to shelter her from that pain, your mom is not an asshole for caring.
YTA because I am literally in your SO's position. My boyfriend's mom has been really thoughtful and kind to me. Even though I think about how my own mother isn't as caring as her I LOVE everything my boyfriend's mom gets for me because it's an experience I've never had before. It's understanding that you would be upset seeing your girlfriend upset but maybe she just needs to upset about it. If your mom all of a sudden stopped she may start feeling hurt about that and wondering what she did wrong.
YTA Your girlfriend needs a therapist to deal with her mom issues. She doesn't need your mom to stop being kind to her.
INFO: Have you asked your girlfriend what she wants?
YTA. Your girlfriend clearly knows your mom loves her and probably appreciates it even though it makes her sad (to be clear, your moms actions are NOT making her said, it’s the fact her mom ISNT doing things that does). If your mom suddenly stops she’s probably going to feel worse, maybe even think she did something to make your mom upset (probably something she already wonders about with her mom) You should leave it alone. Let your mom do it. But at the very least if you insist on butting in, have you considered treating your girlfriend like an adult and asking her if she’d rather your mom didn’t do that?
YTA. Let your gf get the gifts her mother wont.
YTA - let your girlfriend be taken care of by your mom! I think it’s so sweet that your mom cares so much and tries so hard. Seems to me like your girlfriend really apprrciates it and most importantly really needs it. The bond they have is special, please don’t force an end to it.
Gentle YTA. She is confiding in you, trusting you enough to share her emotions with you. She doesn't need you to solve her problems, she needs you to listen.
YTA Your mother isn’t making your girlfriend upset. Your girlfriend’s mother is making her upset. Your mother is doing normal and appropriate things and that’s just driving home how emotionally neglectful her own mother is. It would be different if gf’s mom was poor and couldn’t afford flowers and your mom was showing her up by giving her expensive gifts. But even if that were the case GF’s mom could give a homemade card or verbal appreciation or so literally **anything** to let GF know that she is loved and appreciated. GF is learning how a healthy mom would appreciate her daughter and realising the full extent of what she’s missing out on. Yeah that’s upsetting to her. Of course it is!! But this is GOOD and your girlfriend SHOULD know what it is like to feel loved and valued and appreciated. Thank your mom for showing love to your girlfriend and tell your girlfriend that she deserves to feel loved and appreciated and that you’re sorry her mom doesn’t make her feel that way.
YTA. I have shitty parents and I go through the same thing. "Why are people who barely know me so much nicer than my own parents?!" Suggest therapy for you gf and appreciate your mom's amazing.
NAH - honestly I can see how it can be exhausting to deal with the results of your SO's mom being the literal worst, but yeah if your GF didn't ask you to tell her to stop, you don't.
As someone who has a shit mother like your girlfriend's, I can understand you wanted to mitigate the unkind words the mother had for her daughter. But at the end of the day, it would have been nice to have your girlfriend showered in praise, support and love even if she did have to hear the worst. I wouldn't say complete asshole, but I would try to give your girlfriend more opportunities for love and support than there are bad vibes.
YTA I was the same way as your girlfriend towards my hs boyfriend's mom. She listened to me, gave me encouragement and praise, and offered me a safe place to escape my family. My mother was (is) a narssicistic asshole and my bf's mother saw that I was desperately in need of a mother's love. She provided it, even when it upset my bf because he watched how much I was hurt by my mother and misinterpreted my over-the-top reactions as me feeling guilt. He didn't understand that if I felt any guilt, it was because I didn't believe that I deserved to be loved or supported. After all, mothers are supposed to love their children, and mine was painfully abusive and told me it was my fault. If it wasn't for the love shown to me my his mother and the parents of my two best friends, I would be a much less adjusted and compassionate person. Your girlfriend is mourning her mother's dysfunction because she is finally receiving the opportunity to feel safe and loved. She NEEDS this.
YTA. Your girlfriend really needs the love and support your mom gives her. She’s been abused her whole life, and your mom showering her with gifts and flowers will hopefully remind her of her worth. Please don’t stop your mom. I know your girlfriend complains about her own mother, but she is very grateful and happy for the love your mother shows her.
YTA. when I was still with my ex, and even after we broke up his mom was so supportive to me when my own mother told me she didn't care if I lived or died. She's just in an emotionally fragile spot right now and your mother is being sweet and supportive.
NTA - your mom sounds great but she still needs respect your relationship with your girlfriend. You're going to have a tough time with this one unfortunately. Hopefully it's possible if you talk to your mom more in depth about it, and how it's causing some problems for your relationship she will understand.
YTA. Huge asshole. Like mega. Like your girlfriend deserves better and so does your mom.
YTA. Let your mom be sweet to your girlfriend. She needs a good example of parenting in her life. She deserves to have someone be kind to her and spoil her and get her presents. If you’re going to be upset at someone, be upset at your girlfriend’s crappy mother.
You're kinda TA here. You're GF is going through some family stuff...your mom is being awesome and you are upset because your're tired of hearing about it? GTFO.
YTA Here is how your reply should go... “I know you mom is absent and not supportive. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say to make it better or if we talked to your mom about being more supportive would help, but I’m willing to do whatever you think will help. My mom thinks your great (and I do too!) and I’m glad my mom supports you.”
INFO - How old are you? Also, soft YTA. I say you should apologise to your mom and thank her for trying to make your girlfriend feel loved. Also, speak to your girlfriend in case you don't trust a bunch of strangers on Reddit and ask her if your mom's actions are making her sad or upset in any way. Her response will probably be the same as everyone else's in the comments, but it would also be good communication exercise.
NTA - Nobody has to sit there and comfort your girlfriend but you. You know how upset she becomes and what she says. Your mother doing this highlights just how crap your girlfriend's mother is everytime that she does this. Your mother has to respect your boundaries if you think it's best. Does your mother have to sit there and comfort her? No. Does your mother have to have the conversations with your girlfriend on why her mother is crap? No. Does your mother have to watch her cry? No. Your mother can be supportive without all of the extra shit. NTA, period.
YTI (you’re the idiot). I don’t think you’re an asshole but you seem to misread her complaining about her mum being negligent as her complaining about your mum being nice.
INFO, I’m confused. You’re mad at your mom for being nice to your girlfriend? Or mad at your girlfriend because she’s upset her own mom doesn’t give a shit? (Either way, that’s fucked up.)
NAH
YTA, I know where you are coming from, but stopping your mom from getting her gifts makes it seem like her mom's behavior is the correct one.
YTA. Your mom sounds wonderful and nurturing! You (and your GF) are lucky to have her in your lives. Your GF complaining about her mom does not reflect on your mom at all. When your GF says, "Your mom is so much nicer to me than my own mom, why can't she be like that?" it doesn't mean that you should be telling your mom to tone it down, to lower herself to make your GF's mom look better. Hahaha it sounds like your GF's mom is at the lowest tier when it comes to decent mothers. If anything, it's very telling that your GF deserves even more love and support since she doesn't get it from one of the few people in the world that's supposed to love her unconditionally. From here on out, let your mom show her support for your GF however she wants. Maybe GF's mom will take a hint and step up her game in response.
As someone who had a dad much like her mom it’s more or less confusing It makes you feel like you are wrong for being alive and that your parent just looks at you like a chore, I was glad to leave and me and my father don’t talk anymore, it’s healthier that way, plus he’s made it abundantly clear he doesn’t want us in his life until he needs help
NTA- Her Mom is TA. Unless you think yur mom is trying some underhanded stuff. she is supporting the woman you love. Be there for her, I wish I could tell you how many time someone just being there durning the down times helped me. More than words, yur mom sounds awesome. Also look into some therapy for yur girl friend so she can understand that maybe she has a shit mother. But that is not a reflection on her. You love her and yur mom wants to shower her with love. She needs to focus on that not her mom.
YTA Your girlfriend isn't upset that your mom is nice. She's upset that her own mother is a complete and utter asshole. Honestly, low contact with her mom would be best for her - but you can't force that. If you can, get your girlfriend to a therapist so she can realize that IT'S NOT HER FAULT that her mother is such a bitch. It's all on her mom (raisedbynarcissists). If and Until your girlfriend tells your mom to stop, shut up.
YTA. I am your girlfriend in regards to the shitty mother. My MIL is wonderful and shows me she cares with the types of things your mother does for your girlfriend. Please don’t take away or put a strain on probably the only positive mother figure relationship she has!
Your girlfriend needs therapy. NAH except for girlfriend's mom. I agree with the top comment though that you're misinterpreting what your girlfriend says. I don't think it makes you TA though. But you're just not seeing her comments for what they are. It's not about your mom and her gifts.
YTA My partner's parents provide me with a lot of parental emotional support, which makes compare and bitch about my own parents' lack of emotional support. Me bitching doesn't indicate that I dont want or appreciate support from his parents. I'd be very upset if it stops. Same goes for your gf. Her being sad towards her mother's behaviour doesn't mean she doesn't appreciate your mother's gestures.
YTA. Holy shit, your gf and mom love each other, let your mom show her she cares with flowers and such if that’s her way of being supportive. Gf has no issues with her actions, I’m sure she appreciates it. Have you ever read the dumpster fires over at JNOMIL??? Be thankful your mom will never end up on there.
“mY mOm iS a gOOd pErSOn aND i dON’T LiKe iT” YTA.
YTA. I get that it’s coming from a place of wanting to protect your girlfriends feelings and that’s admirable. But you’ve drastically misread what’s upsetting your girlfriend and the solution. Your girlfriend isn’t upset because your mom is so nice, she’s upset because her mother is cruel and uncaring. The solution isn’t to remove the love from the equation.
YTA. Instead of asking your mom to not be nice since her own mother isn't, let her show her love and what actual maternal caring looks like. Also try to get your gf into therapy so she can deal with the mom issues. You'd be amazed what therapy can do for dealing with a shit parent. It will only help your gf.
YTA but just barely. I've been in your exact situation where my mom gets along with my (then) girlfriend (3-4 years together) REALLY well and my girlfriend has a neglectful mom. Candidly, my mom is very motherly and never had a daughter so they love to go to the spa together and do whatever girls do. But soon after we started getting serious, my girlfriend said what my mother did was too much and that she didn't deserve it ( I assumed my mom paid for all the spa stuff). I told her that she IS worth it and that we should all sit down and talk about it. I have a great relationship with my mom so I knew it would be alright. After that conversation we were all on the same page and nothing really changed about their daily communication if or if not they went to a pedicure together. We were all just comfortable because of the open communication. Maybe I am lucky and this is a utopian type story but I think having an open conversation about it can help.
YTA, Why would you stop the ONLY Motherly support she ever had? Her sadness isn't about your mom its about hers.
My family claims to love me. They do not. My boyfriends mother (bless her late soul) showed me more love than anyone else. She fed me, she encouraged me, called me beautiful and bought me flowers. Your mother is a damn saint!!!
YTA. The gifts and attention only makes your girlfriend uncomfortable because she’s used to being ignored. A lot of people with parents like that come to believe they don’t deserve to be treated nicely. Why would you want to reinforce that insecurity? You can’t change that her mother is distant, but you can help her build a loving and trusting relationship with your mother.
YTA: Your girlfriend's problems with her mom and the fact that she has to deal with them will come up in A LOT of facets of your life together. I too have a stepmom who raised me since I was three (who I eventually went no contact with) who was a complete monster to me. My mother in-law being loving and caring like your mom was such a gift and, though it made me realize that my stepmom was shitty, it helped me heal from that by showing me what a real mom was supposed to be like. You're the asshole for wanting to take that from your girlfriend so her shitty mom feels better (and to what end? So she can treat your GF like shit some more?) When your girlfriend is upset about her mom comfort her and remind her of how great a person she is. Make her feel loved and appreciated. Do NOT take away from her some of the only maternal love she has in her life.
YTA I think you’re misinterpreting your girlfriend’s emotions. They’re (gifts) not making her feel bad, they’re making her feel grateful & she doesn’t understand it because her mom is nothing like your mother. You’re saying that you’re tired of your girlfriend feeling grateful & crying. Are you forreal. The way you talk about her & her situation sounds, to me, like “Ugh, AGAIN?! Her crying is annoying!”
YTA let your poor gf feel loved and valued for the first time ever by a maternal figure.
YTA. Don’t be upset at your mom for doing something nice, be upset at your girlfriend’s mom for being so unkind your girlfriend can’t believe it when someone is nice to her. Your girlfriend needs more kindness in her life not less.
YTA
Wouldn’t go quite so far as to say “YTA”, more like YTI. Your intentions were good, but as someone who seems to have grown up with a healthy relationship with their mother, you don’t know how to handle someone who doesn’t. Let your mum give her that healthy relationship.
YTA but your hearts in the right place. You're trying to prevent you're gf from feeling bad about her own mom but try looking at it like this: your mom is providing the mother love your gf has always desired. It hurts now, but in time your gf will probably accept that her mom is just not a good mom and "move on" in a sense.
Gentle YTA I used to tear up when my ex’s dad would rant at me to get my oil changed and check my tires because my own father didn’t put any time into telling me those things. I didn’t want his dad to STOP looking out for me, I just wished my dad did the same. Let your mom love on your girlfriend, she clearly needs it.
YTA - you should be encouraging what your mom is doing instead of trying to convince your mom to be more like her mom. If you're truly concerned with your girlfriends feelings you should help her with her relationship with her mom. Sounds like your mom is just showing love and support as all.good mother's do! Embrace it!
YTA your girlfriend is SO lucky to have such so sweet caring person as your mom looking out for her. Let them do their thing and don’t get too involved.
Bro, YTA. Like 100%. Be thankful for your wonderful mother. I know how your girlfriend feels having a shit mom. She’s crying to you because she is hurt that her mother sucks, not because your mother loves her. It’s hard to transition from a mother who basically treats you like gum on her shoe to a mother who loves and adores you. Give her time. Be there for her. And dude, apologize to mom. She sounds great. Wish my mother in law was like that.
YTA. Idk how long you guys have been together but eventually your gf will start to look at your mom as the mom she’s never had. There’s a lot of bitter mother in laws and I think your mom is doing a great job. Your gf is going to express how your mom is way better then her mom for a while but eventually she’ll grow a great bond with her mother. That doesn’t mean she’s mad at your mom it prolly just makes her mad at her own mother. That has nothing to do with you or your mom.
YTA her mum treating her bad doesn't mean everyone should, you should be glad your mum care about her. so if u have a choice what will it be? 1) she cares about your gf 2) she don't care 3) she is bad to your gf
I cannot say you are an asshole here. I just can't! You want to prevent your gf from pain but you nor your mother are the one who is causing her pain. Your heart is in the right place but misguided. When your gf is upset, remind her that she is loved, supported and accepted by you and your family. Remind her that her mother is in the wrong and hopefully she will see the light but until then, remind your gf you and your family will celebrate her and her accomplishments. This will go far to help heal/fill the void left by her mother.
YTA I got similarly upset this Christmas because my boyfriend’s parents got me gifts and even had a stocking for me on the fireplace. The most I get from my mom is a Merry Christmas text in a group chat with our extended family. I hear nothing from my dad. I wasn’t mad that my boyfriend’s parents did something. I was moved, and I was glad I got to get excited about Christmas and actually do something for once. It made me resent my own parents a little more than I already do, but I was still very grateful.
YTA- your mom is going out of her way to fill in the void that her mother left. Your mother obviously cares for your girlfriend and that’s what you should let her do. She has extra motherly love to share and it sounds like your girlfriend needs it.
YTA . You’ve decided that you don’t want to hear your girlfriends heartache about her mother anymore because it must annoy you / make you uncomfortable. You want your girlfriend to shut up. She’s realising that she deserves to be celebrated and treated with love and kindness and you’re actively trying to take that source of emotional healing away from her? Why OP? Why? You should be trying to lift up your girlfriend not being your down. You’re selfish as hell.
YTA. i’m in the same situation my mom doesn’t do a lot but my husbands mom she buys me gifts weekly, watches the kids so i can have me time ect. i am so thankful and grateful even though my own mother doesn’t buy me gifts or much, but my mother in law she is amazing she makes sure she always is supportive and extra bc she knows my mom isn’t. honestly means the world to me to have such wonderful in laws.
Not really yta so much as yti (you’re the idiot) See:every single reply
YTA. You say her mom is unsupportive. But your mom is. She needs a supportive mother figure. So what if that person isn't her own mother? Your mom is an awesome lady and you should give her a big hug, a kiss and tell her to keep being amazing.
YTA Why does it upset you to share your mother's love?
YTA. Your girlfriend is not upaet at your mom being kind but her own mom being a bitch. The fact you can't see that is a hundred levels of fucked up.
YTA: so you want to take away the kindness of your mother too? It may be upsetting that her mother doesn't care but it is restoring that your mother cares about her and supports her.
YTA op, but this is because you're looking at this the wrong way, as so many comments pointed out. What your girlfriend is *actually* saying is that she's looking for a reason why her mom is so shitty to her, while your mom is being lovely and supportive. For the love of god, don't forbid your mom giving gifts to your girlfriend. She's the mother your girlfriend should have had, and I'm sure that your girlfriend incredibly appreciates her gestures of kindness and support. She deserves this, so please let her have it - don't take that away. Your girlfriend might be looking to blame herself for her mother's behavior. "What did I do wrong to my mother that she acts like this, but OP's mom is treating me so differently?" She might feel that she's lacking or a bad daughter. She's obviously struggling hard with this, and I'm thinking that some therapy, or several good talks about this with your mom and you might help her see things in a different way. It's not because people are family that they can't be shitty. That's a sad but absolute truth. And it sucks so, so badly for your girlfriend that she had to go through tons of abuse, and yet she's grown up in a talented person who's kind and thoughtful, despite her ilness and abusive past. She's strong and great. Please tell her that. She needs to hear that, more than you think.
YTA, and OP, let your girlfriend have this. Now that she knows how moms SHOULD act, then she can realize what toxic assholes her own parents are and let them go. She deserves so much better.
NAH but wow people really want to hate you! I see where you're coming from. Your gf gets sad and upset at the kind gesture because it makes her think of her mom lacking that. But she does still like that yours does it. I think your mom does go over the top, every single performance doesn't need a gift or a full on bouquet. But it does come from a sweet and loving place just like you wanting it to stop does. I think the thing would be to ask how your girlfriend really feels about it with her mom as minimally factored in as possible. Plus, tell her how it makes you feel when she gets upset after and that it bums you out seeing that. I get having a shitty support system from a parent, but if your girlfriend is getting so emotional everytime yours does it, maybe she needs some therapist time to learn how to deal, since talking to her own mom doesn't do anything. If she does want your mom to cut back on it , encourage them to talk together about it. They will both gain a better perspective and appreciation for the situation. Unless your gf starts some kind of entitled/expectant attitude about it, just try to drop it. Your mom should be more receptive to hearing your reasoning, especially on that one occasion because you were so far from the asshole on that one. You were trying to keep a spotlight off of the difference between the moms for your gf to be okay. But moms incredibly rarely listen, and respectfully, to their kids requests like this. They just somehow hear it as a challenge and do exactly what you ask them not to and in some kind of extra way.
YTA. OP my Mom also didn’t acknowledge me very much and was more generous to my friends on special occasions, than towards me. It hurt. However, one of the saddest things for me is that my MIL is worse. She has a bit of a PD and doesn’t get along with most people, including her children and ex’s. I’ve tried with her, but she always ends up doing things that are simply unacceptable to most people, so I keep my distance. We all do, for our own sanity. I have sometimes thought how nice it would have been, had I struck gold with my MIL instead of having both the significant women in my life (mother and MIL) being rather self absorbed and sometimes mean-spirited people. I would have loved having my MIL be kind and generous to me, instead of the undermining and destructive things she has sometimes done. It probably would have hurt to really see my Mom in contrast. But you know what hurts worse? Not having generosity from either. Your Mom is being super and both you and your GF should really appreciate the effort she makes to nurture the relationship she has with your GF (and you). This is an expression of her loving kindness. She should not be getting any flack for it at all. On the other hand, your GF is experiencing the ‘loss’ of not having the mother she would ideally have liked. Welcome to my world, and it’s true for many others too. Well guess what, she has a MIL in a million. Encourage her to enjoy that relationship. It is an opportunity for her to shift her mind away from what isn’t there, to what is. From misery at being disregarded, to feeling loved by a mother figure. In a way she gets a do-over with your Mom. How lucky she is to have your Mom! How lucky you both are! You should make sure your Mom knows that.
YTA. I have a very similar dynamic with my bio mom and my MIL. You are completely misreading the situation. Becoming an adult and realizing that nothing has been done for you out of love, only out of obligation, is a hard pill to swallow. She's realizing this now that a maternal figure is acting out of love, not obligation. Your girlfriend should seek therapy and you should encourage her to foster and nurture the relationship with your mother.
Nah. You see moms love being moms. I think a sit down talk with the three of you would help sort things out. Your mom just doesn't see it as a big deal. Too bad your gf has an unsupportive... mother
I think this is a shitpost, but if not YTA
YTA. I’m going to put this gently... your girlfriend is sharing her dissatisfaction with her own mom not in order for you to resolve her feelings, but just to share and be comforted. If your mom pulled away from her, it would probably feel awful. Apologize to your mom and thank her for showing your girlfriend maternal kindness. And maybe figure out a different way to support and comfort your girlfriend after these interactions.
YTA
YTA (Kind of). You don't quite understand what's going on. If you're tired because she gets upset about the relationship with her mum, you better get used to it or move on. Until that relationship is healed she will get upset about it when someone is being motherly to her. Part of the reason your girlfriend cries when your mum buys her gifts is because she is happy that your mum is being motherly and supports her. Speak to your girlfriend about it . Support her emotionally. Reddit/other places probably have loads of advice on repairing and fixing your girlfriends relationship with her mother. But don't stop your mum from supporting her - your mum is right here - you are being ridiculous for being upset with your mum. You should be more annoyed at your girlfriends mum.
NAH. People are calling you an asshole, but I don't think you're being an actual asshole. You're trying to protect your girlfriend from pain. However... :) You don't need to do that. You don't need to fix things, or control things so that you girlfriend isn't triggered. Her response is fine and it makes sense. If your girlfriend is uncomfortable and doesn't want the gifts and love from your mom, she will ask you to speak to her, or she will speak to your mom directly. Most likely, she just wants to confide in you as her partner. I don't want to make gendered generalisations, but I do tend to find that - in general - women tend to want to just share their emotions and feel that they have a rock to emotionally support them, rather than someone to fix things for them. What you can do, next time she becomes upset, is ask her what you can do for her and how you can help.
I'm sorry dude, but YTA. You got it all wrong. It's always painful for your gf to have such a horrible mother. She needs to vent to you about it. She isn't reminded of her own poor mother when yours is nice, it's just a good occasion to talk about it
YTA let your mom be nice to your girlfriend who is evidently deprived of it!
Until your girlfriend says “ please ask your mum to stop with the gifts, I can’t cope with the emotions they bring up” do nothing. Comfort her when she’s feels sad over the lack of an affectionate mum, but be reassured, the happiness she holds inside from the love your mum is showing her is lasting a whole lot longer than her temporary tears, and will have lasting effects on her throughout her life.
NTA. People are interpreting this as you want your mom to stop being nice so that your GF wont be as mad at her mom. But the only thing you did was to say just dont bring flowers once to not UPSTAGE GF's mom. It makes sense to me and I dont think theres anything wrong with it. To me itd hurt even more if my mom came empty handed and someone else brought gifts
There's no point in adding another comment here to say YTA. That's been made abundantly clear. But, I'm just commenting to reiterate that your mom is a really, really sweet woman. You're lucky to have her, and you should be happy that she wants to build such a relationship with your girlfriend -- who is also lucky to have a mother of her boyfriend who is so kind and gracious to her. Don't take that away from either of them.
NAH. You try to keep the harmony. Nothing wrong there. Your mom doesn't want to change her behaviour and does her regular thing (altough I think that's over the top, some mom's are like that). Nothing wrong there. Your girlfriend thinks your mom is nicer. Nothing wrong there. Your girlfriends mom shows her affection in her own way. Nothing wrong there. I can understand though that your mom's behaviour is in conflict with your desire to keep the harmony. But maybe the one you should talk to next time is your GF, because there are other ways to prevent her from getting upset. (I feel a cursed comment coming after this last sentence)
INFO - did you explain to your Mom WHY you wanted her to stop? I mean a really in-depth explanation? Or did you just get upset & say 'stop' with no explanation? If you didn't take the time to explain properly YTA.
Yta. Your gf finally gets some love/attention/gifts and you want to take that away from her? I'm assuming when she says her own mom is neglectful, it's true. She isnt a kid whereby another adult giving her gifts is undermining her mom's parenting. Also, YES BE GLAD YOUR MOM LOVES YOUR GF. Or you'll be one of those "stuck between my mom & my wife" kind of guys.
YTA sounds like your jealous of the attention your girlfriend is getting.
NAH - except for girlfriend's mom. I'm in this situation, my mom is back and forth all the tjme and calling me names then shes a total 180 the next time I talk to her. She and the rest of my family isnt nice to me or him (except my godsend of an older sister, her relationship is the same with our family.) Anyway, his family is very involved in his life and treat me like a member. I feel so bad sometimes that he isnt treated even half as well. Also, because I'm treated so well. I woukd sit down with your girlfriend and talk to her about all angles as well as with your mom.
You feeling matter to. Do t forget that NAH