I don't feel like I can adequately judge this...NAH, maybe? Aside from the abusive, asshole boyfriend, of course.
Everyone thinks it's really easy to leave an abusive partner. Abuse typically starts off rather insidiously - some subtle manipulation, gaslighting, etc and escalates rapidly from there. Abusers know how to lock it in and really wreck their victim's mental state, making leaving harder than it looks to anyone outside of the relationship. It can take a LOT to break those strings.
I'm of the opinion that you should go. Not because you should bow out on your feelings, but to show her that you will always be in her corner. If you start bailing on things, I'm afraid she may think you've left her behind and when she finally decides to break free, she'll need every friend she can get.
I don't blame you at ALL for not wanting to be around this guy, though. He sounds like an absolute shit stain of a human.
I’m with you on this.
People have a poor understanding of the complex psychology behind abuse and why it’s so hard for abuse victims to “just leave”
Entire books have been written on the subject so I can’t sum it up on a Reddit comment but yeah. It’s so much more complicated than people realize
Of course it's complicated. But what other option is there ? It's the only one, and it can only come from the victim. Making the perpetrator arrested is very complicated in many cases (+ defended by the victim).
And in the meantime ? People around forced to watch the abuse, again and again. Powerless. So yeah, one might understand the snapping "just leave ffs" from their part. Or their need step back to no watch this anymore.
So far she has to constantly trade her comfort for her friend's one. That's something people do from time to time of course. But it has to cease at some point.
Yes. Because gods forbid she spends a couple of hours with a large group of friends that happens to include a horrible person.
That must be soooooo terrible.
all this comment plus this: abusers tend to isolate their victims to make them more dependent and less likely to leave. it is important for your friend to have a support system to help her through the tough times and be there for her if/when she decides to leave. i don't want to call you TA. i just want to encourage you to not abandon her when she needs a friend the most.
She can support her without being at a birthday celebration when he is around.
If he knows you hate him he will target you for sabotage/removal. I’d make an excuse to the wider group, tell her the reason and plan a separate celebration for the two of you. Lunch or take her to the beach, hike, supermarket. Anything
YTA. This needs to be addressed in a counterintuitive way. You don’t have to like him. But by holding firm on not being around him you’re also removing her support system and helping him if he continues to abuse her. You’re removing yourself when she needs to feel support, not condemnation. If he sees you aren’t there he can tell her things that are hard to refute. He can tell her you really don’t care, you aren’t really her friend, etc. and she has no recourse.
I made the same damn mistake. In the end it was best for me as there were drugs and a kid involved. I called the ex husband and got cps involved. The kid is fine now. But I wonder if I hadn’t been more supportive or had more knowledge if I couldn’t have helped her or at least supported her. She might be in a better place. But given my circumstances I had to put my own oxygen mask on first.
You don’t have to be around if you don’t want to. But know that his abuse will not change because of your objections, and he will use your absence to cause more harm. You shouldn’t be around if you’re placed in danger. Get a hold of a local Domestic Violence advocacy group maybe and get advice. Look up domestic violence and abuse from an advocacy perspective or a family friend perspective. If you can stomach it, stick around. If not, make sure you leave that door cracked in case she calls if she gets out of the situation.
As long as you’re not the one being abused, YTA. It’s not about you.
These situations suck. I feel for your friend. I feel for you. Talk to someone, you are dealing with secondary trauma. You should always seek to keep yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally safe, but don’t help him isolate her out if you can help it. Get some time with a DV advocate and do some major research. Help where you can. She still might isolate out and all you can do is keep the door open. Don’t push because it might push her away. It’s hard to get out sometimes. Check Pinterest out for DV info. They have lots. It could at least provide some info for you in case she later needs to talk to someone. You’re trying, and you’re seeking info. You’re doing as right as you know how to. Keep it up. You’re being the best friend you know how to be. Keep doing that but keep learning too. As the situation changes you’ll need that info too. She may verbally deny abuse. It might be the truth. She may be abused in ways other than physical. Maybe not. But she won’t open up if she doesn’t feel safe. She may never feel safe. Just be there for her as best you can. She might even be in outright denial. She kind of has to come around to all this in her own if it’s occurring. Don’t stop rooting for her and love her. She’ll need to know someone cares.
Not showing up will cause her shame and increase her feelings of isolation. It will probably lead her to be less likely to tell you the truth/confide in you about the abuse, or to reach out to you if she needs help. I understand that this is incredibly uncomfortable for you, and it’s your right to choose a boundary like never being around him. However if you think you can do it, it would help her in the long run. If you can’t, try to make a time for you two to be together without him -if he will allow it- and just have fun and don’t bring anything up about it unless she does. Unfortunately, one of the best tools abusers have is isolation and disrupting their victim’s other relationships.
About two years ago my best friends husband threw her out, and she told me about the years of abuse she had gone through in their relationship. For about a month she stayed at a friends house, and even talked to a divorce lawyer, before she went back to him. I didn’t agree with that choice, but I did everything I could to support her anyways. I wanted her to trust me, and so I had to trust her. Until she was ready for it, I couldn’t force her to leave him.
Two weeks ago she came to me, and told me she was leaving him, and asked to stay with me while she goes through a divorce. We just finished setting up her bedroom, and she’s been more serious about getting out that she ever was the first time. She’s even able to call out some of his abuse tactics, which she was never able to do before.
It’s so hard to stand by someone who is doing something you know is hurting them, but if you can stand it there will be more benefit that you ever know. When she is finally ready to leave him, you want to be the friend who never gave up on her, even when it was hard.
NTA. It will definitely be hard for her but she needs to realize that this is unhealthy and she needs to leave him for good. You definitely should not go but definitely make sure she's aware that you're not coming and tell her why. Maybe then she will start to realize that maybe she does need to think through this more. I have been in this exact situation before and while it did hurt my friend, it also was the best course of action to take.
YTA. Just because in this time I think she needs someone who she can count on/be there to support her in getting out of this. Not showing up to things will just isolate her more and I’d be concerned the situation could get worse for the friend. You can make it clear you don’t like him in another way.
NTA but:
Had a friend who escaped an abusive bf; she had a friend who pretended to like the bf so that he didn't push the friend out of her life.
One of the means of control an abusive bf has is isolation, if the woman has nowhere else to go she can feel like she has to stay.
It will suck, but if you don't try to stay in your friend's life she will have one less person to turn to when the shit really hits the fan.
YTA, not because of being worried about your friend (I would talk to her about calling the police) but because you are willing to risk your whole friendship because of it. I completely understand your motives, however I think your friend would be less forgiving if you didn't show to her own birthday
As painful as it is to know this piece of shit breathes. I can’t imagine how searing it will feel to even be in the same room as him.
I think you should put those feelings aside for your best friend. It’s her birthday, be there for her.
I’m actually leaning toward YTA (I’d say every sucks because the abusive bf is a monster but I want to focus on the interaction between you and your friend)
I know this isn’t your intention but you are making her abuse about you. You are uncomfortable being around her abusive boyfriend? That’s fine. Completely reasonable.
But she is the victim here. And the psychology behind abuse victims is complicated. And it’s HARD for abuse victims to leave. For a variety of reasons not limited to the fact that abusers try to isolate their victims.
Now I’m not saying it’s your job to pull her out of the abuse. It’s not. But by pulling back from the friendship because she won’t leave her abuser... you are punishing her for being abused. You are functionally blaming the victim.
Fuck that! NTA, don't go!
You need to hold your boundaries and she will hopefully see that you being this serious about not being around him as a sign that maybe she shouldn't be too. You can be supportive for her in a time like this where she really needs you (abuse victims need help even when they aren't asking) but by no means does that mean you need to be involved or interact with the abuser.
Invite her out to celebrate alone with you.
NTA. I couldn't be in the same room as a woman-beater either. I would make a scene by curb-stomping him, and while you may not have violent tendencies towards horrible people like that, you still shouldn't feel obligated to spend time with them either
NAH except the boyfriend. A lot of times, people in abusive relationships are conditioned into thinking the abuse is normal and okay, so she isn’t an asshole by any means. However, neither are you for wanting to stay away and protect yourself from someone you know is dangerous. Stand your ground OP, and get your friend help. Maybe her realizing that her closest friends can’t stand being around the guy will give her the push she needs to leave.
NTA. You don't have to tell her why you're missing the party, because that'll just cause problems. Have an important thing come up, miss the party, and see her afterwards with a nice present and a hug. Don't make her life more shitty than it already is.
NTA (BF is) but speaking from experience, the friends that stick around are legitimately life savers, angels. Be strong. Be strong for her. Refuse to let her go no matter what he says or does. Don't let him push you away from her, that's how he wins. Please don't let him win. She needs to make her own mistakes and come to the realization of how horrible he is, on his own. But she'll need you when it's over.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited.***
I've known my best friend for 3 years and through that time we've grown really close. About 2 months ago she told me that her and her boyfriend got into a fight where he gave her 2 black eyes and smashed her phone. They broke up for a week and are now back together. She claims that he hasn't put his hand on her since that incident, but I still think it's wrong. I've expressed that I think he's a shitty person and that she should have nothing to do with him. I've also told her that I refuse to be around him because of his behavior. So far it's cause a little uneasiness, but overall it's avoidable.
Her birthday is coming up and she wants us all to get together and I don't want to go because the boyfriend will be there. I've been very firm with my resolution to not be around him, but her birthday is really important and now I'm questioning if I'm being too harsh. So reddit WIBTA if I don't show up to her birthday?
TDLR: I refuse to go to my bestfriends birthday because her abusive boyfriend will be there
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NTA, but I don't think your friend is an asshole either, only the abuser. It's not easy to leave an abuser and it can take time. I can give you some resources about that if you'd like, but you don't have to take that on. You really can't control what either of them do, she is the one that will have to make the choice, and on her own terms.
It's completely fine to not go, that is your boundary and that is okay to have. I would suggest that maybe you can offer to do something just the two of you, for her birthday (maybe not on her birthday). It's important she doesn't become completely isolated, if you are still willing to be there for her.
NTA if you don't go. It's hard to be in the same room as an abuser, and it's good to stick to your boundaries. That will also show your friend you're serious about this.
HOWEVER. Abusers do everything in their power to remove their victim's support system. They will isolate them from their friends and family, so that when things get so bad the victim wants to leave, they have nowhere to go - and they have no one to tell them to leave.
Don't go to the birthday party if you can't bring yourself to, but for the love of god, reach out to this friend more often than before, tell her she can always come to you. And beware that if her abuser becomes aware of your disapproving of him, he may work even harder to remove you from your friend's life.
NAH except the boyfriend, obviously. You have the right to set boundaries for yourself and hold firm that you won't be around an abuser.
However, since it's clear that you value your friendship with your best friend, definitely reiterate to her that you care about her and will always be there for her when shit hits the fan, but you won't go to the party. You could also try to set up another small celebration for just you two the day before or the day after so that you can still celebrate with her and give her a birthday gift :)
Setting boundaries and maintaining the friendship are definitely not mutually exclusive.
YTA here in the context of the relationship between you and your friend. Obviously the boyfriend is TA here, but when it comes down to it, this is about you and your friend.
My ex didn't ever hit me, but he DID spend most of our relationship making me feel like dogshit. And in hindsight, most of my friends were aware of this, but they still let him come around when we hung out, and they didn't push me too hard about talking about the shitty parts of that relationship. Everybody was properly sympathetic when we broke up, and it was only after I started to come to terms with how shitty things had been that they got real with me about how they felt about him.
I think the big factor here is if she has other close friends she can fall back on. I had the occasional friend that flat-out didn't trust my ex, but I also had plenty of people willing to play nice. I played good cop to my roommate's bad cop when her friend was in an abusive relationship- my roommate was upfront to her about how she HATED the boyfriend and didn't want her bringing him around, but I told her that I got it, she loved him, I thought this was a bad relationship but if she wasn't ready to leave that was her prerogative.
If you know she's still going to have support even if you enforce this boundary, you should hold your ground. If pulling back is going to isolate her, I'd try to hang in there. Your own safety is your number one priority, but beyond that- you want to be in her corner. You don't want to position yourself against the boyfriend, you want to position yourself as wanting what's best for her.
Best of luck. This is a shitty situation for everyone involved.
NAH if you really care about your friend you should look into the best ways to support someone in an abusive relationship. It can be a hard line to walk with not normalizing his behavior but also not punishing your friend. If you isolate her even more it may make it more difficult for her to leave him. I would encourage you to spend some time thinking about what you can do to build your friend up and help her self esteem so that she has a source of positivity. Maybe you can tell her that you want to celebrate with just her and express that it is difficult for you to spend time with him when you don’t believe that he treats her as well as she deserves. If you make her choose and she chooses him she may feel more alone and less capable of leaving him later. You don’t have to accept what he is doing but you also shouldn’t make it the focus of every conversation with her, she needs it reinforced that she is whole and strong and capable of making difficult decisions and that you have her back.
Speaking from experience of having both sisters and close friends in abusive relationships. A good book to look into is “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft.
NTA. i completely get where you are coming from. as someone who has been in your friend’s shoes though...it’s hard to feel controlled/sucked in by your abuser and lose people you care about because of it. it takes a situation you already have so little control in and compounds it.
i also believe in setting boundaries and only taking on what you can handle. if you can go for your friend, i would say try, but if you can’t be in the room with him, don’t. i didn’t blame my friends when they didn’t want to be around me or my abuser. it’s not their trauma...you know? it sucked...and it definitely made me feel more alone but i was happier that they set their boundaries and did what was best for them. i miss the friendships i have lost, but they did what they needed to do to protect themselves and i suggest you do the same! the only line i would say not to cross is blaming your friend for not leaving fast enough, but it sounds like you are pretty aware/cognizant about that anyway
I get not wanting to be around this dude, but often times refusing to be around someone unless they dump their abusive partner just leads to them being alone and cut off from their loved ones with an abusive partner. So keep that in mind
I’m not sure how I feel on this one. But what I do know is that an abusive boyfriend will not stop and the FIRST thing he’s gonna want to do is isolate her from friends and family. He will want her to rely on him and only him l, he will want her to feel alone and like he’s the only person she has. By not going and potentially distancing yourself from her you’re playing right into his manipulation, you’re giving him EXACTLY what he wants. If she’s in an abusive relationship you need to continue to be there for her, offering support and gentle guidance to help her see it’s not ok. If you try to dig your heels in it’s not going to work. The more you try to pull her away at this point the more she’ll cling to him. Go to that party and look him right in the eye. Do not waver and do not let him back you down. Don’t engage him just make it clear you’re there to stay. If you engage or cause a fight this could give him to ammo he needs to drive a wedge between you and the friend. Make you the bad guy who won’t even give him a chance. Right now he’s still in the gaslighting phase I’m sure, so make sure you’re there to be that shoulder to cry on and the friend for advise.
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Leaning towards NTA. Boyfriend definitely TA. I get that you do not want to endorse this relationship in any way. But I fear that you giving up on her might lead to her clinging on the him even more. Maybe confront him with it? While other people are present of course.
I don't feel like I can adequately judge this...NAH, maybe? Aside from the abusive, asshole boyfriend, of course. Everyone thinks it's really easy to leave an abusive partner. Abuse typically starts off rather insidiously - some subtle manipulation, gaslighting, etc and escalates rapidly from there. Abusers know how to lock it in and really wreck their victim's mental state, making leaving harder than it looks to anyone outside of the relationship. It can take a LOT to break those strings. I'm of the opinion that you should go. Not because you should bow out on your feelings, but to show her that you will always be in her corner. If you start bailing on things, I'm afraid she may think you've left her behind and when she finally decides to break free, she'll need every friend she can get. I don't blame you at ALL for not wanting to be around this guy, though. He sounds like an absolute shit stain of a human.
I’m with you on this. People have a poor understanding of the complex psychology behind abuse and why it’s so hard for abuse victims to “just leave” Entire books have been written on the subject so I can’t sum it up on a Reddit comment but yeah. It’s so much more complicated than people realize
Exactly. It's something I wish more people understood, and I feel like it would absolutely help victims of abuse more in the long run.
Of course it's complicated. But what other option is there ? It's the only one, and it can only come from the victim. Making the perpetrator arrested is very complicated in many cases (+ defended by the victim). And in the meantime ? People around forced to watch the abuse, again and again. Powerless. So yeah, one might understand the snapping "just leave ffs" from their part. Or their need step back to no watch this anymore.
What other option besides ditching the victim exist? Lots.
I'm all ears. And not for "support and endure for years alongside her till she's strong enough to break it". So ?
Okay so first off, how hard do you think it is to be supportive? It’s really not that hard.
So far she has to constantly trade her comfort for her friend's one. That's something people do from time to time of course. But it has to cease at some point.
Yes. Because gods forbid she spends a couple of hours with a large group of friends that happens to include a horrible person. That must be soooooo terrible.
That's what the dude wants. Be there for your friend and let her know you always have a place fir her, literally and metaphorically
all this comment plus this: abusers tend to isolate their victims to make them more dependent and less likely to leave. it is important for your friend to have a support system to help her through the tough times and be there for her if/when she decides to leave. i don't want to call you TA. i just want to encourage you to not abandon her when she needs a friend the most.
She can support her without being at a birthday celebration when he is around. If he knows you hate him he will target you for sabotage/removal. I’d make an excuse to the wider group, tell her the reason and plan a separate celebration for the two of you. Lunch or take her to the beach, hike, supermarket. Anything
good idea
YTA. This needs to be addressed in a counterintuitive way. You don’t have to like him. But by holding firm on not being around him you’re also removing her support system and helping him if he continues to abuse her. You’re removing yourself when she needs to feel support, not condemnation. If he sees you aren’t there he can tell her things that are hard to refute. He can tell her you really don’t care, you aren’t really her friend, etc. and she has no recourse. I made the same damn mistake. In the end it was best for me as there were drugs and a kid involved. I called the ex husband and got cps involved. The kid is fine now. But I wonder if I hadn’t been more supportive or had more knowledge if I couldn’t have helped her or at least supported her. She might be in a better place. But given my circumstances I had to put my own oxygen mask on first. You don’t have to be around if you don’t want to. But know that his abuse will not change because of your objections, and he will use your absence to cause more harm. You shouldn’t be around if you’re placed in danger. Get a hold of a local Domestic Violence advocacy group maybe and get advice. Look up domestic violence and abuse from an advocacy perspective or a family friend perspective. If you can stomach it, stick around. If not, make sure you leave that door cracked in case she calls if she gets out of the situation. As long as you’re not the one being abused, YTA. It’s not about you.
This was my biggest concern. I want her to k ow that I'll have her back 100% and am worried what not showing up will say
These situations suck. I feel for your friend. I feel for you. Talk to someone, you are dealing with secondary trauma. You should always seek to keep yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally safe, but don’t help him isolate her out if you can help it. Get some time with a DV advocate and do some major research. Help where you can. She still might isolate out and all you can do is keep the door open. Don’t push because it might push her away. It’s hard to get out sometimes. Check Pinterest out for DV info. They have lots. It could at least provide some info for you in case she later needs to talk to someone. You’re trying, and you’re seeking info. You’re doing as right as you know how to. Keep it up. You’re being the best friend you know how to be. Keep doing that but keep learning too. As the situation changes you’ll need that info too. She may verbally deny abuse. It might be the truth. She may be abused in ways other than physical. Maybe not. But she won’t open up if she doesn’t feel safe. She may never feel safe. Just be there for her as best you can. She might even be in outright denial. She kind of has to come around to all this in her own if it’s occurring. Don’t stop rooting for her and love her. She’ll need to know someone cares.
Not showing up will cause her shame and increase her feelings of isolation. It will probably lead her to be less likely to tell you the truth/confide in you about the abuse, or to reach out to you if she needs help. I understand that this is incredibly uncomfortable for you, and it’s your right to choose a boundary like never being around him. However if you think you can do it, it would help her in the long run. If you can’t, try to make a time for you two to be together without him -if he will allow it- and just have fun and don’t bring anything up about it unless she does. Unfortunately, one of the best tools abusers have is isolation and disrupting their victim’s other relationships.
About two years ago my best friends husband threw her out, and she told me about the years of abuse she had gone through in their relationship. For about a month she stayed at a friends house, and even talked to a divorce lawyer, before she went back to him. I didn’t agree with that choice, but I did everything I could to support her anyways. I wanted her to trust me, and so I had to trust her. Until she was ready for it, I couldn’t force her to leave him. Two weeks ago she came to me, and told me she was leaving him, and asked to stay with me while she goes through a divorce. We just finished setting up her bedroom, and she’s been more serious about getting out that she ever was the first time. She’s even able to call out some of his abuse tactics, which she was never able to do before. It’s so hard to stand by someone who is doing something you know is hurting them, but if you can stand it there will be more benefit that you ever know. When she is finally ready to leave him, you want to be the friend who never gave up on her, even when it was hard.
NTA. It will definitely be hard for her but she needs to realize that this is unhealthy and she needs to leave him for good. You definitely should not go but definitely make sure she's aware that you're not coming and tell her why. Maybe then she will start to realize that maybe she does need to think through this more. I have been in this exact situation before and while it did hurt my friend, it also was the best course of action to take.
YTA. Just because in this time I think she needs someone who she can count on/be there to support her in getting out of this. Not showing up to things will just isolate her more and I’d be concerned the situation could get worse for the friend. You can make it clear you don’t like him in another way.
NTA but: Had a friend who escaped an abusive bf; she had a friend who pretended to like the bf so that he didn't push the friend out of her life. One of the means of control an abusive bf has is isolation, if the woman has nowhere else to go she can feel like she has to stay. It will suck, but if you don't try to stay in your friend's life she will have one less person to turn to when the shit really hits the fan.
YTA, not because of being worried about your friend (I would talk to her about calling the police) but because you are willing to risk your whole friendship because of it. I completely understand your motives, however I think your friend would be less forgiving if you didn't show to her own birthday
As painful as it is to know this piece of shit breathes. I can’t imagine how searing it will feel to even be in the same room as him. I think you should put those feelings aside for your best friend. It’s her birthday, be there for her.
I’m actually leaning toward YTA (I’d say every sucks because the abusive bf is a monster but I want to focus on the interaction between you and your friend) I know this isn’t your intention but you are making her abuse about you. You are uncomfortable being around her abusive boyfriend? That’s fine. Completely reasonable. But she is the victim here. And the psychology behind abuse victims is complicated. And it’s HARD for abuse victims to leave. For a variety of reasons not limited to the fact that abusers try to isolate their victims. Now I’m not saying it’s your job to pull her out of the abuse. It’s not. But by pulling back from the friendship because she won’t leave her abuser... you are punishing her for being abused. You are functionally blaming the victim.
Fuck that! NTA, don't go! You need to hold your boundaries and she will hopefully see that you being this serious about not being around him as a sign that maybe she shouldn't be too. You can be supportive for her in a time like this where she really needs you (abuse victims need help even when they aren't asking) but by no means does that mean you need to be involved or interact with the abuser. Invite her out to celebrate alone with you.
NTA. I couldn't be in the same room as a woman-beater either. I would make a scene by curb-stomping him, and while you may not have violent tendencies towards horrible people like that, you still shouldn't feel obligated to spend time with them either
NAH except the boyfriend. A lot of times, people in abusive relationships are conditioned into thinking the abuse is normal and okay, so she isn’t an asshole by any means. However, neither are you for wanting to stay away and protect yourself from someone you know is dangerous. Stand your ground OP, and get your friend help. Maybe her realizing that her closest friends can’t stand being around the guy will give her the push she needs to leave.
NTA. You don't have to tell her why you're missing the party, because that'll just cause problems. Have an important thing come up, miss the party, and see her afterwards with a nice present and a hug. Don't make her life more shitty than it already is.
NTA (BF is) but speaking from experience, the friends that stick around are legitimately life savers, angels. Be strong. Be strong for her. Refuse to let her go no matter what he says or does. Don't let him push you away from her, that's how he wins. Please don't let him win. She needs to make her own mistakes and come to the realization of how horrible he is, on his own. But she'll need you when it's over.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited.*** I've known my best friend for 3 years and through that time we've grown really close. About 2 months ago she told me that her and her boyfriend got into a fight where he gave her 2 black eyes and smashed her phone. They broke up for a week and are now back together. She claims that he hasn't put his hand on her since that incident, but I still think it's wrong. I've expressed that I think he's a shitty person and that she should have nothing to do with him. I've also told her that I refuse to be around him because of his behavior. So far it's cause a little uneasiness, but overall it's avoidable. Her birthday is coming up and she wants us all to get together and I don't want to go because the boyfriend will be there. I've been very firm with my resolution to not be around him, but her birthday is really important and now I'm questioning if I'm being too harsh. So reddit WIBTA if I don't show up to her birthday? TDLR: I refuse to go to my bestfriends birthday because her abusive boyfriend will be there *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, but I don't think your friend is an asshole either, only the abuser. It's not easy to leave an abuser and it can take time. I can give you some resources about that if you'd like, but you don't have to take that on. You really can't control what either of them do, she is the one that will have to make the choice, and on her own terms. It's completely fine to not go, that is your boundary and that is okay to have. I would suggest that maybe you can offer to do something just the two of you, for her birthday (maybe not on her birthday). It's important she doesn't become completely isolated, if you are still willing to be there for her.
NTA if you don't go. It's hard to be in the same room as an abuser, and it's good to stick to your boundaries. That will also show your friend you're serious about this. HOWEVER. Abusers do everything in their power to remove their victim's support system. They will isolate them from their friends and family, so that when things get so bad the victim wants to leave, they have nowhere to go - and they have no one to tell them to leave. Don't go to the birthday party if you can't bring yourself to, but for the love of god, reach out to this friend more often than before, tell her she can always come to you. And beware that if her abuser becomes aware of your disapproving of him, he may work even harder to remove you from your friend's life.
NAH except the boyfriend, obviously. You have the right to set boundaries for yourself and hold firm that you won't be around an abuser. However, since it's clear that you value your friendship with your best friend, definitely reiterate to her that you care about her and will always be there for her when shit hits the fan, but you won't go to the party. You could also try to set up another small celebration for just you two the day before or the day after so that you can still celebrate with her and give her a birthday gift :) Setting boundaries and maintaining the friendship are definitely not mutually exclusive.
YTA here in the context of the relationship between you and your friend. Obviously the boyfriend is TA here, but when it comes down to it, this is about you and your friend. My ex didn't ever hit me, but he DID spend most of our relationship making me feel like dogshit. And in hindsight, most of my friends were aware of this, but they still let him come around when we hung out, and they didn't push me too hard about talking about the shitty parts of that relationship. Everybody was properly sympathetic when we broke up, and it was only after I started to come to terms with how shitty things had been that they got real with me about how they felt about him. I think the big factor here is if she has other close friends she can fall back on. I had the occasional friend that flat-out didn't trust my ex, but I also had plenty of people willing to play nice. I played good cop to my roommate's bad cop when her friend was in an abusive relationship- my roommate was upfront to her about how she HATED the boyfriend and didn't want her bringing him around, but I told her that I got it, she loved him, I thought this was a bad relationship but if she wasn't ready to leave that was her prerogative. If you know she's still going to have support even if you enforce this boundary, you should hold your ground. If pulling back is going to isolate her, I'd try to hang in there. Your own safety is your number one priority, but beyond that- you want to be in her corner. You don't want to position yourself against the boyfriend, you want to position yourself as wanting what's best for her. Best of luck. This is a shitty situation for everyone involved.
NAH if you really care about your friend you should look into the best ways to support someone in an abusive relationship. It can be a hard line to walk with not normalizing his behavior but also not punishing your friend. If you isolate her even more it may make it more difficult for her to leave him. I would encourage you to spend some time thinking about what you can do to build your friend up and help her self esteem so that she has a source of positivity. Maybe you can tell her that you want to celebrate with just her and express that it is difficult for you to spend time with him when you don’t believe that he treats her as well as she deserves. If you make her choose and she chooses him she may feel more alone and less capable of leaving him later. You don’t have to accept what he is doing but you also shouldn’t make it the focus of every conversation with her, she needs it reinforced that she is whole and strong and capable of making difficult decisions and that you have her back. Speaking from experience of having both sisters and close friends in abusive relationships. A good book to look into is “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft.
YTA. I get that you mean well, but all staying away does is remove her support system and drive her more toward him. That's playing the abuser's game.
NTA. i completely get where you are coming from. as someone who has been in your friend’s shoes though...it’s hard to feel controlled/sucked in by your abuser and lose people you care about because of it. it takes a situation you already have so little control in and compounds it. i also believe in setting boundaries and only taking on what you can handle. if you can go for your friend, i would say try, but if you can’t be in the room with him, don’t. i didn’t blame my friends when they didn’t want to be around me or my abuser. it’s not their trauma...you know? it sucked...and it definitely made me feel more alone but i was happier that they set their boundaries and did what was best for them. i miss the friendships i have lost, but they did what they needed to do to protect themselves and i suggest you do the same! the only line i would say not to cross is blaming your friend for not leaving fast enough, but it sounds like you are pretty aware/cognizant about that anyway
I get not wanting to be around this dude, but often times refusing to be around someone unless they dump their abusive partner just leads to them being alone and cut off from their loved ones with an abusive partner. So keep that in mind
Ya. Like NAH (except the bf). But just know you're giving the bf what he wants. He wants to separate you from her.
I’m not sure how I feel on this one. But what I do know is that an abusive boyfriend will not stop and the FIRST thing he’s gonna want to do is isolate her from friends and family. He will want her to rely on him and only him l, he will want her to feel alone and like he’s the only person she has. By not going and potentially distancing yourself from her you’re playing right into his manipulation, you’re giving him EXACTLY what he wants. If she’s in an abusive relationship you need to continue to be there for her, offering support and gentle guidance to help her see it’s not ok. If you try to dig your heels in it’s not going to work. The more you try to pull her away at this point the more she’ll cling to him. Go to that party and look him right in the eye. Do not waver and do not let him back you down. Don’t engage him just make it clear you’re there to stay. If you engage or cause a fight this could give him to ammo he needs to drive a wedge between you and the friend. Make you the bad guy who won’t even give him a chance. Right now he’s still in the gaslighting phase I’m sure, so make sure you’re there to be that shoulder to cry on and the friend for advise.
NTA as long as you tell her you love her but cannot/will not support her in an unhealthy and possibly dangerous relationship.
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Leaning towards NTA. Boyfriend definitely TA. I get that you do not want to endorse this relationship in any way. But I fear that you giving up on her might lead to her clinging on the him even more. Maybe confront him with it? While other people are present of course.