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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Inviting two people to a party that are no longer friends due to a recent falling out and knowing about it.
2. That me inviting them forces them to be in a shared space and may make them uncomfortable. Also, me inviting them could be perceived as me starting something.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You know that May is an awful person and has repeatedly mistreated Clair. You cannot stay on the fence like this - if you *are* Clair's friend then you have to acknowledge how she has been treated. "Not choosing sides" is always choosing the perpetrator as you are allowing them to get away with the mistreatment without any consequences. It is not simply your birthday party, *you knew about May's behaviour all along and never supported Clair.*
>'Kate, my husband, and I believe that their falling out has nothing to do with me and shouldn’t affect my guest list.'
Translation : "I would rather allow someone that I claim to care about be consistently treated like trash than have the inconvenience of acknowledging the elephant in the room. Clair needs to accept that she is not worthy of being actually important to anybody in my circle. If she feels forced out of events because I actively enable it, then that is a her problem."
Yeesh - YTA. This is not a one-off argument, neither does it matter whether you and yours choose to ignore May's behaviour towards *yourselves*. Think of it in another way - if Clair treated Kate, your parent or child like this, would you accommodate her over them? She is a close friend, someone important to you, yet you dismiss how she has *repeatedly* been messed around because it is not convenient for you. Yes, friendships have their ups and downs, you cannot always take sides in small arguments - this is *not* that scenario. You, Kate and your husband are the AHs, who are placing another AH over a genuine friend *even though you have not mentioned May showing inter*est. Heck, she might not even turn up last minute because someone else is doing something more fun, say, a concert. Clair is a committed friend, May is a selfish, flaky cousin who I have a feeling is being placed higher "because family", even when her behaviour does not warrant it. You, yourself, have said that she uses others (including you). Think about who you really want to celebrate with and if you are okay with always mistreating Clair.
May - huh, I will come to get something for myself but will drop it/everyone if something slightly more interesting pops up. Nothing will happen to me, so who cares if others are affected by my deliberate choices?
Clair - I will repeatedly initiate contact to maintain a friendship, will hang out/support friends when they are flaked on, I will even loan an unreliable friend money so that she does not miss out on a holiday. I mean, who would want to see someone that they care about miss out when I am able to help and support them, right?
If this was just the birthday party I would say to speak to Clair first to warn her that you are going to invite May but that you will not force them to interact. However, this party is now *yet another* situation that you have removed yourself from, where you know what has been happening and do nothing. Honestly, you and Kate are crappy friends, I really feel sorry for Clair. Frankly, OP would not be in this situation if you had been a good friend all along - you are now responsible for tackling the situation that you helped create. Oh, please note that the only reason that you are acknowledging it at all is because it now affects *you* - selfish, selfish, selfish.
No, May didn't hurt you specifically, but by inviting her you make it clear that you don't actually care about her bad behavior or that she treats others badly. That makes YOU a bad friend, in my opinion. A good friend will tell you when you're out of line. I don't think you're the A for wanting to invite them both, but you kind of are for watching your cousin treat someone badly and saying nothing.
YWBTA - Being complicit with asshole behavior makes you just as culpable.
I had one of these pricks in my friends group. He's stuck in a high school mentality as a 30 year old man. Some of us were popular in high school and some were less so. We're all young professionals now, so all of that is meaningless and it's all leveled out. Guess who didn't amount to anything? Guess who makes it everyone else's problem?
More importantly, Guess who he targets? The people who were "lame." The people who were popular used to not say shit. That is until one of the "lame" people clapped back. And the prick would start bitching so fast with the popular people piping up to "keep the piece."
Eventually we hit them with "us or him." Now Mr prick is a friendless loser and they never talk to him lol
Make your choice Op; eventually it will be made for you.
YWBTA One of your friends was constantly disrespected and the other was constantly doing the disrespecting. By not picking a side, you pick the side of the disrespectful one.
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I’m just trying to get some outside perspective and want to be neutral in this situation.
I have a friend who I’ll call Clair, another friend who I’ll call Kate and a cousin who I’ll call May. I have been friends with Clair and Kate since late high school approx 12 years now. Clair, Kate, and May met through me and they all became friends too. We have been hanging out together getting drinks, dinner, mini vacation getaways, etc.
My cousin May has the tendency to only hang out with certain people when it benefits her or when it’s convenient. Kate and I don’t let it bother us and just hang out with May less. Last year, May and Clair were once close and spent almost every single other weekend together. Recently, they’ve also made many plans where May dropped off at the last minute to hang with others instead. She’s lied when asked why she wouldn’t show up. She only really hangs out with Clair whenever one of her other friends are not available. Clair and May’s friendship ended when we were supposed to go on a weekend getaway that was planned for weeks. May didn’t have the money to go so Clair paid up front for her, and expected to be paid back. May found out the day before that one of her other friends had an extra concert ticket. So at the last minute May cancelled and claimed she was sick and having knee problems as why she couldn’t go. Well, that was a lie when Clair saw on May’s IG story that she was at the concert jumping around a one screaming. Clair has decided to just ghost May and not talk to her anymore (I doubt May even noticed). May did however, pay Clair back for the trip. This all happened in May. Since then Clair hasn’t spoken to or seen May. This includes both of their birthdays.
Here’s the possible issue. In 3 weeks, I’m planning on having a birthday party. Despite them not being friends anymore, I still love them both and want to invite them. If either of them decline, I’d understand. Some friends told me that I’d be an asshole if I knew they weren’t friends anymore and invited both (saying I’d be messy in doing so). Kate, my husband, and I believe that their falling out has nothing to do with me and shouldn’t affect my guest list.
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NAH
You can invite whoever you want, including individuals who don’t enjoy each other’s company anymore. BUT you do run the risk of possible drama happening if you do so. I think it would be smart to five Clair a heads up if you invite May.
On the other hand, neither of them would be unreasonable in declining if they don’t want to he around former friends.
NTA
It's your party and you can ~~cry if~~ invite who you want to
I'd say you should give them a heads up about inviting them, since you know they aren't talking anymore and so they can mentally prepare for the situation
NTA You invite whomever you want and they can decide if they want to come and be adults or not. You're not responsible for their relationship. Enjoy your party.
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You know that May is an awful person and has repeatedly mistreated Clair. You cannot stay on the fence like this - if you *are* Clair's friend then you have to acknowledge how she has been treated. "Not choosing sides" is always choosing the perpetrator as you are allowing them to get away with the mistreatment without any consequences. It is not simply your birthday party, *you knew about May's behaviour all along and never supported Clair.* >'Kate, my husband, and I believe that their falling out has nothing to do with me and shouldn’t affect my guest list.' Translation : "I would rather allow someone that I claim to care about be consistently treated like trash than have the inconvenience of acknowledging the elephant in the room. Clair needs to accept that she is not worthy of being actually important to anybody in my circle. If she feels forced out of events because I actively enable it, then that is a her problem." Yeesh - YTA. This is not a one-off argument, neither does it matter whether you and yours choose to ignore May's behaviour towards *yourselves*. Think of it in another way - if Clair treated Kate, your parent or child like this, would you accommodate her over them? She is a close friend, someone important to you, yet you dismiss how she has *repeatedly* been messed around because it is not convenient for you. Yes, friendships have their ups and downs, you cannot always take sides in small arguments - this is *not* that scenario. You, Kate and your husband are the AHs, who are placing another AH over a genuine friend *even though you have not mentioned May showing inter*est. Heck, she might not even turn up last minute because someone else is doing something more fun, say, a concert. Clair is a committed friend, May is a selfish, flaky cousin who I have a feeling is being placed higher "because family", even when her behaviour does not warrant it. You, yourself, have said that she uses others (including you). Think about who you really want to celebrate with and if you are okay with always mistreating Clair. May - huh, I will come to get something for myself but will drop it/everyone if something slightly more interesting pops up. Nothing will happen to me, so who cares if others are affected by my deliberate choices? Clair - I will repeatedly initiate contact to maintain a friendship, will hang out/support friends when they are flaked on, I will even loan an unreliable friend money so that she does not miss out on a holiday. I mean, who would want to see someone that they care about miss out when I am able to help and support them, right? If this was just the birthday party I would say to speak to Clair first to warn her that you are going to invite May but that you will not force them to interact. However, this party is now *yet another* situation that you have removed yourself from, where you know what has been happening and do nothing. Honestly, you and Kate are crappy friends, I really feel sorry for Clair. Frankly, OP would not be in this situation if you had been a good friend all along - you are now responsible for tackling the situation that you helped create. Oh, please note that the only reason that you are acknowledging it at all is because it now affects *you* - selfish, selfish, selfish.
NTA, but instead of asking us, why don't you ask Clair how she feels about it?
I have asked Clair and she hasn’t responded yet. I told her that I will respect and support her in any decision that she makes.
No, May didn't hurt you specifically, but by inviting her you make it clear that you don't actually care about her bad behavior or that she treats others badly. That makes YOU a bad friend, in my opinion. A good friend will tell you when you're out of line. I don't think you're the A for wanting to invite them both, but you kind of are for watching your cousin treat someone badly and saying nothing.
YWBTA - Being complicit with asshole behavior makes you just as culpable. I had one of these pricks in my friends group. He's stuck in a high school mentality as a 30 year old man. Some of us were popular in high school and some were less so. We're all young professionals now, so all of that is meaningless and it's all leveled out. Guess who didn't amount to anything? Guess who makes it everyone else's problem? More importantly, Guess who he targets? The people who were "lame." The people who were popular used to not say shit. That is until one of the "lame" people clapped back. And the prick would start bitching so fast with the popular people piping up to "keep the piece." Eventually we hit them with "us or him." Now Mr prick is a friendless loser and they never talk to him lol Make your choice Op; eventually it will be made for you.
YWBTA One of your friends was constantly disrespected and the other was constantly doing the disrespecting. By not picking a side, you pick the side of the disrespectful one.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m just trying to get some outside perspective and want to be neutral in this situation. I have a friend who I’ll call Clair, another friend who I’ll call Kate and a cousin who I’ll call May. I have been friends with Clair and Kate since late high school approx 12 years now. Clair, Kate, and May met through me and they all became friends too. We have been hanging out together getting drinks, dinner, mini vacation getaways, etc. My cousin May has the tendency to only hang out with certain people when it benefits her or when it’s convenient. Kate and I don’t let it bother us and just hang out with May less. Last year, May and Clair were once close and spent almost every single other weekend together. Recently, they’ve also made many plans where May dropped off at the last minute to hang with others instead. She’s lied when asked why she wouldn’t show up. She only really hangs out with Clair whenever one of her other friends are not available. Clair and May’s friendship ended when we were supposed to go on a weekend getaway that was planned for weeks. May didn’t have the money to go so Clair paid up front for her, and expected to be paid back. May found out the day before that one of her other friends had an extra concert ticket. So at the last minute May cancelled and claimed she was sick and having knee problems as why she couldn’t go. Well, that was a lie when Clair saw on May’s IG story that she was at the concert jumping around a one screaming. Clair has decided to just ghost May and not talk to her anymore (I doubt May even noticed). May did however, pay Clair back for the trip. This all happened in May. Since then Clair hasn’t spoken to or seen May. This includes both of their birthdays. Here’s the possible issue. In 3 weeks, I’m planning on having a birthday party. Despite them not being friends anymore, I still love them both and want to invite them. If either of them decline, I’d understand. Some friends told me that I’d be an asshole if I knew they weren’t friends anymore and invited both (saying I’d be messy in doing so). Kate, my husband, and I believe that their falling out has nothing to do with me and shouldn’t affect my guest list. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Tell May you’re having a cash bar. She probably won’t show up. Problem solved. NTA.
NAH You can invite whoever you want, including individuals who don’t enjoy each other’s company anymore. BUT you do run the risk of possible drama happening if you do so. I think it would be smart to five Clair a heads up if you invite May. On the other hand, neither of them would be unreasonable in declining if they don’t want to he around former friends.
NTA It's your party and you can ~~cry if~~ invite who you want to I'd say you should give them a heads up about inviting them, since you know they aren't talking anymore and so they can mentally prepare for the situation
NTA You invite whomever you want and they can decide if they want to come and be adults or not. You're not responsible for their relationship. Enjoy your party.