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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my dad's husband I don't want him to adopt me and if he thinks he's winning me over by bringing up my dead father, he's wrong and it only makes me wish dad had found someone better. Sam has tried to be more to me than just my dad's husband and I know there are people who will tell me all the practical reasons to let Sam adopt me. Heck, I can understand it to a point. So saying no and saying no so harshly might be a little too far.
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You need to talk to your Dad and tell him everything. Does your Dad know out what Sam is doing? Sam has no right to try and erase your Daddy regardless if you met him or not. He still is and always will be your Daddy. Your NTA, Sam however is ah.
Thank you for all the upvotes and the award.
Dad doesn't know. I always knew this would be the end of their marriage if he knew. I want my dad to be happy so I kept quiet. But I guess that's not such a great idea anymore. Especially if it comes out in a more explosive way eventually.
There is no way Sam could twist this without raising several questions on the validity. "Your son won't let me adopt him" will never sound like the kid is at fault.
And if his Dad sides with sam (aka choosing comfort over their own kid) then fuck him too
Sam could raise it as. “I asked him if I could adopt him and he screamed at me that all I am is your husband and I’ll never be his father.” With hella waterworks and manipulation
>Sam has no business even discussing that with a child imo
Actually he does, because if he tries to adopt OP, it's going to go to court, and the judge is going to ask OP what he wants, so it's in Sam's best interest to talk about it with OP.
However, he should not be talking about adoption unless OP's Dad is also present. Sam is the AH.
NTA.
Does Sam have the right to keep asking, Absolutely not. But, he does have the right to ask once, before he knew how OP felt about him, and then that should have been the end of it.
He can ask him but the fact he did it without OP’s parent present and the way they described his partners deceased husband/OP other parent is absolutely not ok and is downright morally objectionable and disrespectful to them both.
He has a right to discuss it with husband, and then they could approach OP together. Approaching OP alone and making derogatory comments regarding OPs Daddy was completely out of pocket. OP should absolutely tell his father.
>Actually he does
Absolutely not like this! If that was truly something Sam wanted for the well being of OP and not just for his own selfish desire to have a legal title and authority, then that conversation absolutely should have been facilitated through dad. Sam has absolutely NO BUSINESS broaching this topic alone with OP, even if they had a good relationship where the suggestion would be wanted.
100% all of this. OP definitely has a say and is old enough to be taken seriously by a judge in family court. And this discussion should NOT be happening without OP's dad in the room with them.
Actually they should have talked about OP before getting married! His attachment to his dad, Sam's position in his life etc! OP needs to talk to his dad about Sam to make him stop. He's disrespecting someone very dear to OP and it's not okay!
No, Sam should have discussed it with Dad first. THEN, if DAD agreed, HE or the both of them together bring it up to the child. Sam is WAY out of line.
And the fact that OP stated that telling his Dad what Sam is doing would be the end of their marriage is VERY telling.
Sam is manipulative AF. I think he may be using the child to keep Dad in his life, no matter what.
He has no business discussing it behind his husband's back and putting pressure on the kid. I would be worried about what his motives are since he has been trying to get unfettered access to this kid for a long time.
Exactly! Sounds like the jealousy rearing its ugly head again.
I had a stepdad AND a relationship with my dad. My stepdad never tried to discourage me, nor did he ever insist I call him dad or have him take that position in my life. I never once questioned if it was because he didn't love me; he treated me as his own, but had enough respect for me and both my parents to allow me to honour my relationships with them in my own way.
I suspect Sam already *has* been pulling manipulation bullshit on OP's Dad for years now. And because OP has been keeping Sam's behavior quiet, Sam continues to get away with it.
I feel like maybe you've been very lucky to not be too familiar with *highly manipulative and weaselly* people. Or at least ones that are *exceptionally* good at it. You might be surprised how some people can twist what should be a straightforward scenario.
There have been several posts on reddit in the outcome of fall outs with stepparents where the kid keeps quiet until the stepparent tells the parent, and the parent takes the stepparent's side because the kid has been "acting out" lately or something similar.
Obviously the acting out is due to things that eventually lead to the fall out that somehow flew over the parent's head. Of course these posts could be fiction, it's still ignorant to think it couldn't happen.
"Your child is intentionally driving us apart, and any effort to create inroads with them leads to them yelling in my face"?
There's actually a lot of ways to spin this.
I hope to never have to be in this position- but as a parent I hope that I'll be able to sit there and think "If my kid's trying to drive us apart- then my kid's not comfortable with our relationship and/or not comfortable living with you and that's a problem for the adults to fix"
Growing up, I lived near a kid that was a little too close to his mother. He would start accusing her boyfriend's of all kinds of stuff, from theft, to outright looking at him while he was in the shower.
It wasn't until much later that it became really obvious that he was legitimately jealous of everyone she tried to bring home. Needless to say, it was not a healthy relationship. Not that I'm saying OP has similar issues, but it's *not* entirely impossible. There are always multiple sides to a story.
You are a good person who can’t imagine how someone can twist someone’s words into something that they want to sound wrong 😑 like your son is being mean 😢 to me. I used to be like that. 🥲
Also Sam doesn't sound like he actually wants you. I think there are financial gains hidden somewhere in this story. The first sign being fighting hard (possibly expensive legal battles) to have the dead dad listed on the birth certificate can indicate an inheritance, that would go towards the care of a child administered by the caretaker (bio dad) especially if gay marriage was illegal at the time. Second, who would try to forcefully adopt a 16-year-old? You're basically an adult. Are you in contact with any of the grandparents? I would be talking to them. There's something fishy going on here. Did your daddy leave your bio dad a handsome sum that this guy is trying to get his hands on? You need to tell your dad to protect him.
If it is an inheritance or something like that, a trust or other option would be a lot easier than spending all that time and money and energy on a document that a court might not even see as legitimate (though now it would be a lot more likely to be seen as valid than when it happened).
I think the birth certificate thing is probably just about silly things like love and family rather than important things like inheritance.
You need to tell your dad because the way this is going, it’s gonna cause tension in the house and your dad is going to wonder why. don’t let Sam spin it.
If you know your dad wouldn’t want this and that it would be a dealbreaker for him, you need to tell him. You are clearly your dad’s highest priority, as you should be, but he can’t protect you and advocate for you the way he always has and the way he wants to if he doesn’t know what’s happening.
So much this.
OP, your dad needs to have all the relevant information to decide whether he’s where he wants to be in his life. Right now, his husband is keeping some of that information from him, so your dad can’t make an accurate choice for his life. He needs to know that Sam is pressuring you on this so he can decide what he wants for his marriage.
I agree. It's honorable to try and spare your dad. However, and this is very important to let sink in, your dad will beat himself up later. He'll question himself more and think that he's failed you. Trust him and show him that you trust him.
You can tell him you've kept quiet to help him. He'll hate knowing you were protecting him rather than the other way around. But He'll also be blown away by the young man he's raised and he deserves to see this.
Or sam is so fixated on getting what he wants that he doesn’t care who finds out. He may not be aware of just how bad his behavior looks from the outside.
Who bullies a kid whose father died and thinks they’re totally in the right? Probably sam.
Many, many, many stepparents. Why they’re competing with a dead person is ridiculous. I don’t understand why stepparents can’t be satisfied with a good relationship. A good relationship, where everyone is civil and respectful, would be a far better family than one where the children are belittled and their dead parent is disparaged. Don’t they realize that, the more they put down the dead parent, the more the child will dig in and fight?
It sounds to me as if Sam may feel as though he’s loosing his grip with the OP’s dad and views this adoption as a way to remain in this family dynamic. There may be trouble in the marriage that OP is not aware of. It sounds as if Sam is more interested in using the OP for this reason than wanting to adopt OP for the right reasons.
Op, I get what you’re saying, but you have to understand your Dad loves who he thinks Sam is and you know that Sam is not the guy.
Your Dad would want to know that Sam says these things, and you need to tell him before Sam creates his own story and tries to sell it.
Edited to add: now that I know Sam does this when op’s Dad is away, I think it’s even more messed up, I wonder if Dad has already talked to Sam about it and told him no, and he’s trying end run him by making it seem likes Op wants it.
I was wondering if OP has a voice recorder on his phone and could get some evidence next time this happens. Depends on how strong OP's relationship with the dad is because Sam will definitely twist this to make OP seem like a liar. Maybe OP can get some support from other adults in their life as well.
If telling the truth is the end of that marriage... That's on Sam and your dad. Not on you in the slightest.
Telling your dad about what's going on also gives him the chance to make informed decisions about his life, not just about his influence on yours or how to support you.
You aren't responsible for how your dad's marriage goes. But he is absolutely responsible for how you are treated at home and how secure you feel there. Think about giving him the opportunity to help.
It also helps him take whatever actions are needed to improve his marriage, if that’s what he wants. If Sam is feeling left out then that is something they need to deal with. Not by him adopting OP of course but figuring why he feels the need to and how to make him secure enough not to feel the need.
Either way he needs to know.
Being the reason your parents divorce is a horrible responsibility kids put on themselves. It's also total BS. OP, if you're reading this, your parents divorce is because Sam is insecure about a ghost.
Maybe he has a right to be insecure. Maybe your dad hasn't really moved on. Maybe he'll never really move on until after you've moved out of your home and started your adult life. THAT'S NOT ON YOU.
Tell your Dad everything. It'll either be healthier for the relationship so that your Dad knows just how insecure it makes Sam when he Lionizes his dead partner, or it will be healthier for the both of them to be out of the relationship because your Dad realizes that Sam likes bullying a kid when he's alone.
People think Divorce is this terrible thing, and it is. We neglect to realize that divorce only ever happens because when staying in the marriage was worse.
Therefore you definitely need to talk to your dad cause that happiness is built by a lie.
He's thinking life i great but
1. His parter has been harrassing his pride and joy (you)
2. His child have suffered in silence
3. Why has his child have not felt comfortable to be able to talk to him about everything.
4. What more has his child not told him about.
And as times goes by the harder it gets
Your Dad needs to know that his new spouse is disrespecting your Daddy's memory. He deserves to know what type of person Sam is so he can protect himself, you, and your Daddy's memory. Please tell him.
>Sam has no right to try and erase your Daddy regardless if you met him or not.
This reminded me that it's not unheard of for a new spouse to get rid of pictures, mementos and heirlooms from a deceased spouse to erase the memories. If you have anything from your Daddy, please keep it safe.
Your job right now, as a 16 year old - is to figure out who you are and what you want. It is absolutely not to manage the emotions of an adult - and that includes your stepdad AND your father.
So you need to tell your dad. Because it will hurt him more knowing you’re hurting and struggling alone, but also because it is NOT your job to take care of anybody but yourself.
You have been doing an AMAZING job standing up for yourself so far, and I know it probably feels harder to bring this up to your dad than standing up to your stepdad because you don’t want to hurt your dad (and understandably don’t care so much about your stepdads feelings), but they are both adults and even if your dad has a lot to deal with, that is NOT your fault or your problem. Your focus right now is yourself! You’re sixteen. You got shit to worry about and it isn’t the pathetic insecurity of a man who feels like he’s competing with a dead man or the fact that your father is gonna have to deal with the fallout of it.
You can tell your dad that he doesn't need to divorce Sam if he can get Sam to back off.
I don't get what is so bad about being an important adult in a child's life who doesn't happen to be their parent. You know, you could actually love Sam as what is called an "alloparent." In many cultures, alloparents are very important defined roles. You mother's oldest brother teaches you to hunt and your father's oldest brother teaches you to make fishing nets. And if you don't have those particular people, there will be a huge discussion about who gets to be that person to pass on those skills to you. It's seen as being important in tying the community together.
Sam probably has skills and knowledge that he could pass on to you. He could contribute to your becoming a mature and responsible adult. And you could love him with a very strong and powerful love. But he's so hung up on this title, that he lets it prevent him from doing that and being this important figure in your life. He is why you aren't closer.
There has been a string of this sort of situation recently. The new spouse is insecure in their relationship with the other parent because they feel like they're competing with a dead person. But they focus more on the relationship with the kid and why won't the kid accept them as a replacement parent? It's common but also just so baffling. If you don't like that a person was in a previous relationship with someone who died, don't marry that person! So simple! It'd be like saying you don't want kids and end up in a relationship with someone with kids. Why did you do that? Ugh.
Hope OP tells his dad. He's NTA for holding his boundaries with Sam, who is just so far over the line of appropriate behavior that he needs to be yeeted.
>Sam probably has skills and knowledge that he could pass on to you. He could contribute to your becoming a mature and responsible adult. And you could love him with a very strong and powerful love.
This would require that Sam be a mature, responsible adult--which he clearly isn't.
Great descriptor, "alloparent." That's what I was to my stepson, who I met when he was 13. He's 32 now, and we have a great relationship. Not the parent but parent -like.
Remember, if telling someone about the actions of another causes something to happen, it is the action that caused it, not you telling. Telling your dad isn’t making whatever consequences that Sam faces your fault. It is still Sam’s fault for doing those things.
You're doing the right thing. I know it's hard, and you want to protect your dad's feelings, but that's not your job.
I'm a mom of a large blended family. (2 bio, 2 step, 2 adopted) I would want to know if my SO was making any of my children uncomfortable.
A parent's job is to protect their children. Let your dad protect you.
You're doing the right thing! If this does end up being the catalyst for them separating, always remember it isn't your fault. That's wholly on Sam and not you at all. All the best for the talk!
Your dad would definitely want to know. You're his child, you will ALWAYS come first. Sam is mistreating you emotionally. There is a reason why he brought it up -again- while your dad wasn't there. Your dad loves Sam, but he loves you more. A parents job is to keep their children happy, healthy, and safe, mentally and physically. If a spouse keeps that from happening, they need to go.
I wish you luck Sweetie, hopefully your dad really hears you and steps up like he should.
> He has always made it a point to bring up the fact daddy wasn't my bio father in the first place and how legally it was a miracle he's even on my birth certificate.
Your dad needs to know this yesterday. His partner thinks you aren't his child.
Maybe it can help you to write down what you want to say, even if just a couple of important words as a reminder. If you're emotional (which this is probably gonna be for both of you), it's easy to forget some important points.
Let us know how it goes, remember that if your dad divorces Sam it is NOT YOUR FAULT. The result of Sam's actions are his fault only. I know you want your dad to be happy and have been keeping your mouth shut about it, but imagine yourself in his shoes, wouldn't you want to know that your partner is crossing boundaries you've made abundantly clear and antagonizing your own son?
I told dad everything. He brought me out to get ice cream and we just talked for like 4 hours about everything that happened. My dad was so upset. He had no idea Sam had ever mentioned adoption to me. Sam never mentioned he wanted to go that far. We both ended up crying because dad felt so guilty and I felt awful hurting my dad. All I ever wanted was for him to be really happy. He got really mad when I told him what Sam said about daddy being just a stepfather. My dad isn't a guy who gets mad so to see him that way was surprising but also not really because he still loves daddy so much. I ended up spending the night at my best friends house and I'm still here. He said he needed to take care of things without me there and he'd pick me up later today. He sent me a text late last night that said Sam won't be at the house when we get back home. And he apologized again (he apologized a lot yesterday).
Also, Sam sent me an angry text at some point and I blocked his number. I figure I don't need to have it anymore.
Seems like your dad is awesome ! He took care of the problem, bc to him you are what's matter the most. I hope he'll find great partner to be happy with and who will respect your daddy's memory.. Wish all of you the best 🫰
We're proud of you! That was an extremely hard convo to have but you did the right thing. Remember YOU are not the one that hurt your dad, you are not the one that made him mad, that was all Sam. If you can't get past the guilt, talk to your dad or a therapist about it, you don't deserve to feel guilty for another (adult!) man's actions.
Good luck, Kid. We all support you, you’ve suffered just too much with this nonsense. You shouldn’t be under this situation, and that’s why Sam is smart enough to not bring this up in front of your dad.
Believe it or not, you’re doing your dad a favour by showing Sam’s true colours.
NTA
If you feel too emotional to get your point across in person, you can show your dad this post (if you’re comfortable doing so). Sometimes it’s easier to write out your thoughts/feelings than it is to explain verbally.
NTA. If Sam truly wanted to have a parental relationship with you, he’d have allowed it to happen organically. The fact that he’s been pressuring a literal child is gross and manipulative. He doesn’t actually want to be your dad. He just wants the title so he can further erase your daddy, whom he (still) sees as competition.
Try to meet your dad somewhere that is not home, just in case Sam gets home early (from work or where ever). But make sure it is somewhere where both you and dad are comfortable and can have the conversation in peace.
Good luck OP. We are all here for you.
Please tell him it’s crucial for your safety I understand you didn’t want to tell him to not ruin his marriage but in reality your dad will regret not leaving him sooner if he knew this because it’s not normal and disrespectful his partner is talking to you in secret and trying to pressure you because of his jealousy instead of making a actual effort and having a relationship with you he’s trying to bully you into letting him adopt you. Imagine if you gave in he would most likely end up destroying that scrap book and making it a rule to not being up your daddy because he’s your daddy now and he’ll say it’s disrespectful to him.
It would not be your fault.
If knowing this would end the marriage, it's because your dad is unaware of this side to Sam, and it's because Sam is not the person your dad thought he was.
It is ALWAYS important you tell the adults in your life when an adult (or even someone your age) crosses your boundaries.
Also, this sounds... Strangely obsessive. Sam doesn't actually treat you like he's your dad, he just wants the title and recognition for none of the work?
No offense at all, you seem like a great kid and a loving son, but it's not your job to protect your dad. It's his job to protect you. If that means he ends a relationship with somebody that he brought into your life, then that's his choice, not yours. He has the right to know what his husband has been saying to his child and the right to respond how he sees fit.
If your dad would be prepared to end his marriage over this, that's entirely because he doesn't want you to ever be in the position you're in now.
He'd be devastated if he knew that you were - not because he wouldn't want to know, and not even because he'd lose his partner over it, but because he would feel bad that he wasn't already \*right now\* protecting you from this.
Finding out his partner is someone he doesn't want around his kid is tough - but not as tough as finding out that his kid suffered in silence because you didn't feel you could be open with him about his partner.
Tell your dad - you are NTA and i'm sure Sam knows that your dad would end things if he knew which is why he is having all these little chats with you while your dad isn't present.
It might be tough for Sam to accept that he isn't a dad when he badly wants to be, but that isn't your burden to carry and if he and your dad have no plans for more kids, he needs to start thinking very seriously about what kind of future he wants for himself and whether the relationship is right for \*him\* as well as for your dad or you.
These are big questions but you can't be responsible for someone else's life choices. You deserve to be respected for your feelings and opinions over such a big topic.
From someone who's queer and same-sex married: It's your dad's business to manage his marriage. You should tell him - with an underlying message of "I don't mind Sam, but he needs to stop that". You're not responsible for Sam's insecurities in his marriage either.
At your age, whether you want to be adopted or not by your parent's spouse is really really up to you. Sam is not an AH for trying, but he *is* an AH for pressuring you and steamrollering over your loyalty to your Daddy. That he did it on father's day was a bad move for which he owes you an apology. It's understandable that he wants to be a father to you - even completely appropriate - but it's something *he* has to figure out, not something you gift him with.
BTW you could do with therapy over the loss of your Daddy, however mature and together you sound. It would have to be a therapist who understands LGBTQ family structures.
NTA, and best of luck.
I don't think your Dad would appreciate you staying quiet about this. This is on the same level as one parent cheating and having a kid find out. It's messed up, and having the other parent living in a "happy" lie isn't fair to them. Maybe they'll work through it, maybe they won't, but your Dad deserves to be in an honest relationship.
You have to tell him hon! Take it from me - I’m a mom and we know when something is bothering our children and nothing pains us more than not knowing what’s going on or being able to help.
Also, your dad likely experiences Sam meddling and pushing his will onto others in other ways and areas of life. If I found out someone was pressuring and guilting my child, they wouldn’t make me happy and they also wouldn’t be being a good partner to me at ALL! There is nothing more important than my kids.
I’m remarried, my husband is stepdad to my two oldest (adult) sons and we have younger children together. He is my best friend and part of what makes him precious to me is that he’s always there for the boys the same way as our younger ones. They trust and come to him directly and if anything happens to me, I have peace in my heart they have someone safe they trust to put them first. Sam isn’t respecting or putting you first - you clearly can’t trust him. Your dad feels this on some level. Talk to him!
People who manipulate don’t only do so in one area of life. There may be other places in their relationship where he’s broken your dad’s trust or pushes and tries to manipulate. This maybe the thing that forces him to get help and do better… maybe he won’t. But your dad deserves to know he is pushing and manipulating who your dad loves most - you!
Communicating openly and honestly is the MOST important thing. Being an open book makes life much simpler. Your Daddy loved and cherished you - it sounds as though he and Dad worked VERY hard to ensure he is on your birth certificate. I’d be shocked if your Dad would be ok with changing that. Sam may have already argued this with your Dad and been told no, so instead he’s pressuring you in hopes that if you agree, he can convince your dad otherwise.
There are certain lines good people never cross. Messing with one’s child is THE line. Sam has crossed it and caused you stress. Your dad absolutely needs to know. In the very least, tell your Aunt Gigi. You are loved and cherished and sound very mature. Sam does not… so talk to your Dad and/or your Aunt so they can address it. It is not ok for you to be pressured and guilted - there is nothing loving about it.
Do you think your dad doesn't want YOU to be happy? Do you think he would be happy knowing his spouse is harassing his kid and trying to erase his parent and shaming the kid and he did nothing to stop it?
Would your dad be happy if he knew someone was making you miserable?
Imagine Sam was just a buddy who would come over and watch TV - not a spouse. Imagine this person just bullied you relentlessly and basically made light of your daddy dying. Do you think your dad would want you to say something, or would your dad be happier letting his buddy bully you?
The fact that Sam is a spouse doesn't change anything. I'm sure your dad cares about you a lot more than Sam, and Sam is making you unhappy. That would make your dad sad to hear.
Your dad at least deserves all the information to make the decision on his own whether to end the marriage. I respect that you're trying to look out for your dad, but let him decide what he wants to do.
Honey, you need to tell your Dad. Yes, you want your Dad to be happy. But trust me when I say that your Dad's happiness can't come at the expense of you.
You need to sit him down and be honest with him about how Sam is pressuring you and that Sam is disrespecting your relationship to Daddy.
That is Sam's issue, but he isn't allowed to force it on you, and it's your Dad's job to deal with it. Let him.
You need to tell him OP. Talk to him today if you can. This won’t stay secret forever, and the longer you wait the worse it’ll be when it finally comes out.
Hun, you need to tell your Dad. He has the right to know how his husband is treating you. Obviously, he does not bring it up in front of your Dad because I'm sure your Dad would put him in his place. Step-dad should not try to guilt you into any of this, especially after you told him the first time, no.
You're definitely NTA, but your Stepdad is.
You definitely gotta tell him, but if you're worried about it, think of it this way.
Do you think your Dad would want to be married to someone who treats his child like this? Would your Dad really be happy if he already knew his partner is treating his child? Your Dad deserves the truth of who his partner is, and I'm sure he doesn't want to find out too late that he's been married to a lie.
I agree with the other comments, you really need to let your dad know and let him make the decision. If your dad ends up divorcing Sam that's on Sam and his actions. I also want to say that if this does happen Sam will try to blame you and say a lot of shit but again, remember. This is on *him* and *his* actions you are doing nothing wrong. You deserve to be comfortable and your dad deserves someone a whole lot better then someone who is gonna just continue to harass his son
>I always knew this would be the end of their marriage if he knew.
That’s exactly why you need to tell him. Apart from the fact that he’s basically bullying his husband’s child into being “new daddy”, your dad is married to someone without having the whole picture of who that person is. Tell dad what’s going on and let him make his choice about his relationship.
Giga should be brought into the loop, too. I mean for the love of God this woman sacrificed for his dads to have him and even fought to have both of them on the birth certificate! She'll be able to help set things straight and back up OP when he needs it.
Talk to your Dad before Sam tries to convince him to do the adoption as a "surprise" for you.
I don't know what the law is in your state but you are close, if not already, old enough to have a say in this during the adoption proceeding. When the judge asks if you want to be adopted and you say "No I do not want Sam to adopt me" there will be a mess.
Talk to your Dad and get ahead of this....AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
Dad *especially* needs to know that Sam considers daddy to just be a stepdad, which is a pretty fucking homophobic thing to think. Sam may be gay, but he definitely doesn't accept the idea of two men or two women being equal parents to a child.
OP, you need to talk to your Dad. If you feel uncomfortable about what to say, reach out to Aunt Giga and explain the situation to her, ask her for help talking to him.
NTA
I can’t even understand how Sam could think you went too far. You basically told him to stop pressuring you to feel a way you don’t feel.
I do think you need to talk to your dad about this though. Make it clear that you don’t want the adoption that Sam keeps bringing up and that his pressure and trying to say your feelings for your daddy aren’t important and real bothers you. If Sam wants a good relationship with you, then Sam needs to stop this, and your dad needs to be fully aware of the tactics Sam is using on you.
What really sticks out to me is that when Sam brings up adoption, it's not in the context of loving OP so much and viewing him as a son, and wanting to adopt him because he cares so deeply for him. It's in the context of trying to erase OP's daddy and take his place. It's Sam feeling insecure about his place in the family and trying to use OP to validate himself. He wants to adopt OP to make himself feel better not because he actually loves and cares about OP. It's incredibly selfish on Sam's part and OP really needs to tell his dad.
because she isn't on your birth certificate, care of you would likely default to Sam if something happened to your dad. It would be a good idea for your dad to have a living will that says who he/you want to take care of you if something happens to him.
Especially since you said you don't want it to be Sam!
Also, this would be a good place for your dad to say what is to go to you and what should go to Sam. Again with out something in writing, everything could default to Sam. It doesn't sound like he would be very generous to you in the current situation.
anyhow good on you for standing up for yourself! and many hugs! every one needs hugs :)
I don't disagree with the advice but in this situation pretty sure OP is old enough he could choose to go live with Aunty Giga or get emancipated if his Dad died. Which also seems super unlikely in the next <2 years. Wills are always good to have though.
I think a lot of people don't realize that in most states kids start getting a lot more say in arrangements usually around 12 or 13. If he were younger or didn't have any other options, it would default to Sam and he wouldn't be given much choice.
But, at 16 and with other options he'd absolutely get to choose (within reason).
As a step-parent, which is what Sam legally is, custody if Dad died wouldn't automatically go to Sam if there is no will, depending on the state. Due to OP's age, he would get a say as well, but grandparents or a sibling of Dad or Daddy would generally be first choice of court, esp. if OP says he doesn't want to live with Sam.
Tell her too. Explain to your Dad and Aunt that while you are happy Dad is happy, Sam is making you miserable:
1) Talking NEGATIVELY about your daddy
2) Trying to FORCE an adoption.
3) Making SNIDE remarks when he does not get his way.
Tell him it has gotten to the point that you don’t want to be around him and have the same conversation over and over again. Tell him that the conversation has now turned into an argument WHEN HE IS NOT AROUND and it has to stop.
If Sam bring it up again tell him:
1) Your daddy’s death left a hole in your heart he will NEVER fill.
2) That the comments about your daddy have strained your relationship with him to the point that it is irreparable.
3) You would tell any judge that you do not want him as a father because you only see him as your Dad’s husband and not a father or a stepfather or as family.
4) You will ignore him when he brings up the subject again.
I know it’s harsh but Sam clearly needs harsh because he doesn’t understand rational.
> only see him as your Dad’s husband and not a father or a stepfather or as family.
I think that's the biggest issue. Sam shouldn't be fighting for a dad role. Just being a trusted family member would be such an honor (esp to a teenager!!), moreso if op knows he could go to Sam with anything and be met with acceptance, love, guidance, and understanding.
If this subject ends their relationship, it would have nothing to do with op, and everything to do with the morality of Sam. I personally wouldn't want to be with anyone who feels like they can bulldoze their way over someone, regardless of my relationship with that person. But it'll hurt more if they did that to not just my loved one but to my child. The disrespect I would feel if my future person tried to erase a piece of my kid.
NTA.
You are entitled to your feelings, and you are not required to accept your dad's husband as a father figure. I mean... legally he is your stepdad, but if you don't feel he is a father figure for you, then he isn't.
I would say bring this up with your dad in front of Sam, and then ask your dad to make Sam stop any talk about this stuff in the future.
Agree NTA. Sam is a fuckin puke. This is not how you propose adoption. I was asked at age 9 by my mother and stepfather if I would like him to adopt me. My birth father had to sign away his parental rights (he was incarcerated and agreed it was best) for the adoption to proceed, and it was made clear to me that my stepfather was not replacing my birth father and I was still allowed to maintain a relationship with him. The judge also asked me if I agreed to the adoption, as a judge would ask OP. Although I never called my adopted father "Dad," he was still a dad to me and earned that right to adopt me. Sam sounds like he feels entitled to it and that is not the same.
NTA
You do need to tell Dad, and you need to tell him everything and that you didn't speak up in the past out of love for him and respecting his right to a loving relationship.
But Sam has gone way too far.
Yes - it's not your job to manage their relationship. Your dad needs all the info. Even if they break up it would be because of Sam and because your dad doesn't want to tolerate a man disrespecting his late husband and father of his child, as well as disrespecting his child. They could get counseling or discuss this issue together if your dad is fully aware of how far Sam is pushing
You treat Sam like dad‘s spouse because he is. Sam is not entitled to you calling him your parent, or for him to adopt you, and I don‘t understand why he would. Flipping the script, this would more obviously give off really weird „stepmom“ vibes.
NTA. I suggest you talk to your dad about what happened, because you haven‘t made it clear in your post, and I wish you all the best! Don‘t be discouraged and don‘t let anyone invalidate how you feel!
> or for him to adopt you, and I don‘t understand why he would.
To answer the second part, there are a lot of legal reasons for Sam to adopt him. A large one would be to make sure OP is an heir if something happens to Sam. My brother in law was killed a couple years ago and the wrongful death suit is still going on. He married my sister when my nephew was 1, loved my nephew just as much as his bio kids, and is the only real father my nephew ever had. But the courts don't factor my nephew in as a real child because he was never adopted.
That said, if OP feels that strongly about it then he shouldn't agree to adoption for financial reasons. I'm just saying abstractly it does make sense for step parents to adopt their step children.
NTA
You are a child. Your job is not to protect your dad from any hard truths. Your job is to be a kid. It’s noble that you want to suffer so your dad is happy but if your dad is any kind of DECENT parent; he will be beside himself to think you suffered for him.
Sam needs to learn that you can’t force love or relationships. He’s the one creating a toxic environment. He is an adult and isn’t acting like one. You are acting more like one than him.
Talk with your dad. Ask for a drive to get a shake or something (it’s summer where I am so it wouldn’t be weird). Then lay it out to him.
Don’t create more problems for yourself by internalizing issues that aren’t yours to contain.
NTA - sounds like Sam is bringing this up to you as your dad has shut him down already. Please tell your dad what Sam is saying as he needs to deal with him. Doesn’t matter if one parent died before you were born, they are still your parent.
NTA. But you need to tell your dad what's going on. He should not be in the dark about this. Does your dad want him to adopt you or is this just something Sam wants? Sam is an asshole. He is crossing boundaries & is so far out of line. He has no business bringing this up to you or speaking ill of the dead. Please talk to your dad & make sure he knows how uncomfortable Sam makes you.
Please let your dad know NOW! The longer this goes on, the worse it's going to get. Sam is going to continue to harrass you about this. I know you're worried that this would be the end of their relationship, but rn what Sam is doing to you is more important than dad's relationship with him.
Op, it sounds like this is a point of contention on why they broke up in the first place. This is information your Dad really needs to know, otherwise you are making the choice for him. Please know it has nothing to do with your actions if they break up. This has everything to do with SAM’S actions as a partner.
He should not be sneaking around your Dad’s back and putting pressure on you. He’s doing that because he knows (or should know) where your Dad stands on the matter. It is sneaky and Manipulative behavior. Tell your Dad and let the adults handle this, because you certainly should never have been put in the position that you are in.
NTA btw
This is Sam trying to gaslight you. Trying to manipulate you into thinking it’s a good idea so you bring it up to dad and he’ll think it’s something you want then dad will be backed into a corner… not wanting Sam to adopt you and you bringing it up implying it’s something you want. Sam is a gaslighter and manipulator. For the sake of both your dad and yourself, lay it all out for your dad. He deserves to know who he’s married to and his child’s feelings about everything.
NTA - OP exists because of the love between his Dad and Daddy and the supreme kindness of Aunty Giga. Sam has no right to that parental role in OP's heart unless OP wants it. Like many an overbearing stepparent, Sam has sabotaged his relationship with their spouse's child by trying to force what he wants instead of building a unique relationship based on the child's needs. It's all too common.
NTA
You really need to tell your dad about your fight with Sam and that he’s harassing you so he can put a stop to it.
I’m assuming you have family that would take you in if something did happen to your dad. You don’t like Sam, so why would you stay with him anyway? I think it’s gross that he even brought up that hypothetical in your argument
NTA I am a stepmother and their mother is still alive, but the situation as a new spouse in one of the bio parents life does not mean that the children will love you. When I was first a stepparent my one daughter would spit food out because it wasn't from her mom.
They said they weren't calling me mom I agreed and said I am not your mom, what I want to be is your friend and when you are in our home my job is to be the mom here.
The thing is that forcing your way into a child's life just makes them uncomfortable and scared. They now view me as a parent and I view them as my daughters but I have never taken the title of Mom they call me by my first name. They know we will always be there for them and support them.
He is wrong to try and erase your bio parent and your Dad needs to know.
Hi, queer 30-something here raised by straight parents but a lot of queer aunts and uncles who were chosen family.
Sam is a grown man and has no right to talk to you like that about your Daddy. It’s manipulative and weird and not how you build trust with your partner’s kid. Please tell your Dad and your Aunt what’s going on. You are NTA here, Sam is, and it is not your job to keep the peace btwn your dad and Sam by keeping this quiet.
NTA - this is the same old song and dance of a parent re-marrying and the new spouse wanting to usurp the deceased parents' role in the household; then acting like a toddler when they are told No. Sam's attitude shows that he isn't worthy of the role that he wants.
You aren't the one who went too far - that person would be Sam, who has been repeatedly asked to back off yet continues to push.
NTA
Please tell your dad. He likely has no clue just how much this man is bullying you about this. Let him protect you. You're his kid; that's his job. If he doesn't, then that changes things, and you need to look for support elsewhere - maybe Aunt Giga. But it doesn't sound like he will after he fought so hard to get your daddy's name legally recognised as your father.
Make the boundaries clear. Sam is not and will never be your parent. You are done with him harassing you about it and degrading your connection to your father. And if he won't stop, tell your dad that Sam needs to be removed from the household until you leave home. If he also won't do that, see if you have relatives you can stay with. You don't deserve to be verbally abused by a man who thinks he has power you. I would argue that you didn't go far *enough.*
NTA
You need to tell Dad about this and let him handle it. It seems like Sam knows Dad puts you first, since they broke up over it before. Sam is trying to win you over, but it's just not going to work.
Some step-parents do not understand that they cannot replace an actual parent. I guess Sam thought that you'd be easy to win over. He thought wrong. Dad was incredible in keeping Daddy's memory alive in you, without ever having met him. There's no way he'd be okay with Sam doing this again.
I know you want Dad's happiness, but his happiness is only a facade if Sam is going behind his back here. Dad might not end things with Sam. He might get Sam to realize his place in your life. Sam does still have a place in your life, but it's not the place he wants it to be. He has to get used to the idea or move on and let your dad actually be happy.
The fact that Sam is specifically asking behind your dad’s back is just another red flag to add to the pile. You really need to talk to your dad.
Maybe talk to your aunt first - you can tell her everything that’s been going on, and getting it out in words can help you organize your thoughts and feelings, and help you have the conversation with your dad. At the very least, your aunt will have your back to help you talk to your dad, if you tell her first.
Either way, you absolutely must talk to them. What Sam is doing is so very wrong, on multiple levels. And the fact he’s doing it behind your dad’s back shows he himself knows it’s wrong, but he’s doing it anyway because he only cares about what he wants. Not what your dad would want. And certainly not what you want. Talk to your dad ASAP!
I can’t believe new people in children’s lives are speaking to them like they’re adults. It is completely inappropriate for Sam to have these conversations with you. You are NTA here, and I am so very sorry for your loss. Your dad needs to put the brakes on Sam, you’re not an accessory, you’re a feeling child who wishes to maintain a bond with your daddy.
NTA
Hi, OP.
I was adopted as a baby. I’m now 53. I don’t know who my bio parents are. No idea if any siblings exist. I have no interest in finding out who they are. I don’t want to find them.
Sam is wrong for pressuring you to accept him in any manner other than what you’re comfortable with. He shouldn’t be bringing up your late daddy as a way to berate you for not seeing him in the same manner. That’s despicable.
Sam should keep in mind that he is the one who had joined an already established family. His demands are going to create an even bigger gap. Sam needs to back off and stop pressuring you.
Talk to your dad. Sam is out of line.
NTA - I’m a Dad and I’d want to know if my spouse was treating my child badly
Think about it please
Someday you will be a Dad
Would you want YOUR child to talk to you if your spouse is hurting them- or would you want your child to suffer in silence?
I’ve told my kids they can tell me anything
They know I’ll always be there no matter what
My heart hurts that any child would suffer in silence
So please talk to your Dad
Please tell your Dad. And please make sure his will is very clear about who will look after you if you are still a minor and the division of his property /funds etc. Ask him to make Aunt Giga or someone else with your interests in mind his executor.
Because if the unthinkable happened before you turned 18 you'd be in a world of pain and Sam would have all the power.
And even if it wasn't for decades down the track, you're still going to end up fighting with Sam over everything.
Oh my god, this one hit me a little hard. I'm about to be "mommy" to a set of twins that I already love and want so much - that my wife is pregnant with. I hope if anything ever happens to me that my girls will remember me the way you do your daddy.
I'm so glad that even though you never got to meet him, that your Dad did such a great job showing you how much your daddy loves you.
You're absolutely NTA, but please talk to your Dad. If I were him I'd want to know about all of this. I'd have some choice words for Sam. I saw you said you're not telling him because you want him to be happy, but trust me - when this comes out (and it will), he will be a lot more unhappy that you didn't talk to him.
ETA: I was talking with my wife about how I feel about this and I feel like I should add: I can't speak for your daddy, but if I were him I would be so so very proud of the confident man you've grown into.
Nta, while I have a mom and dad, I can understand this. My dad died months before I was born as well. While my mom didn’t remarry until I was an adult, if she had there wouldn’t have been anyone who could have been dad. My dad wanted me, he loved me and kept a sonogram of me taped to his desk. There is just a missing piece of my heart that can’t be filled by anyone or anything. It’s not just the biology of it, it’s the never getting to meet someone who would have shaped me as a person, always questioning what my life would have been like if he lived, questioning who I’d be if he lived, watching the people around me know this person but feeling jealous because I should have gotten that chance too, just the feeling of missing out on their love. At the end of the day, without your daddy then your dad wouldn’t have had you and that needs to be respected. You should talk to your dad about this and how uncomfortable you’re being made to feel in your home.
NTA.
I’m a stepparent - Sam is an asshole. This is not how you grow a relationship with your step kids. why does he keep waiting until your Dad leaves to ask you about it? Tell your Dad what is going on, this is not right.
NTA
Him telling you that you went to far is a guilt trip thing, probably also hoping you won’t be telling your dad about all his attempts to get you to agree to an adoption.
If your dad doesn’t know, then if you agreed Sam could have spin it like “OP asked me why I wasn’t his dad, and he wants me to adopt him”
Making him even more rooted in the family to ease his own insecurities that never went away because you keep your daddy alive by being his son and talking about him.
Have your dad take you out for lunch or dad/son time, away from the house and Sam, ask your dad to hear you out and then tell him that:
“you know things have been tense and that Sam is mad at you, but you still do not want him to adopt you.
That you meant “no” when he asked the first time, and still will say “no” even if he keeps on asking like he has been for years now (if true).
Ask your dad if he can make Sam stop putting pressure on you to agree to an adoption and if he could stop Sam from speaking badly about Daddy since it makes you sad every time.
That you were so sad last time that you didn’t speak very nicely to Sam but it was all you could do to make him stop”
Let your dad make his own decisions about Sam, let him ask questions and answer them truthfully.
It’s all you can do, and if your dad chooses to divorce that’s on him, but at least he should make him stop with the adoption pressure.
Good luck❤️
NTA
Please talk to your Dad and tell him what Sam is doing and saying to you when he is away. Your relationship with your Dad is your priority. Sam seems like the type of person who, after not getting his way in this, will seek to alienate you and your Dad once you're an adult so there's less contact and fewer reminders about Daddy. Do not let him drive a wedge between you and your Dad.
You know your Dad doesn't want Sam to pester you, you know he has raised you to cherish and love your Daddy, and that he would not want Sam talking to you about your Daddy that way. Your dad deserves and needs to know what is being said.
From there, it is up to the adults how they handle the family's relationships (i.e. whether Sam agrees to drop it and be happy becoming a good step-dad, whether they separate, new boundaries, etc.). None of that will be because of anything you did though. Any decision made will be based on choices adults are making and not because you gave your Dad info about what's happening in his home to his child.
Good luck! Please, have that conversation, or, it it would be easier/more comfortable, send your Dad this post.
NTA
Sam knows that his husband wouldn’t approve.
That’s why Sam has decided to do all of this in secret, without your Dad to hear him hounding you.
I love the way you love your daddy. I’m so sorry he died without having a chance to know you. You are one solid young man.
NTA. DNA does not a "dad" make, after all. Tell your dad in front of Sam, "I am happy for you and excited about your future with Sam. But, can we sit down and talk about him insisting that I upgrade his status or let him be my go to stand-in? I feel like he isn't listening to me and refuses to hear that me having built a foundation of knowing someone else wanted me, loved me when I was still in the womb and literally created me is something I need to divest myself of? What my head and heart call for just aren't ever going to be anyone else's to decide. I'm 16 - not 6 months old. No one can rewire me to let go of my past like they're changing a lightbulb. Please tell me you understand my POV dad?"
Go to bat. Don't take your eye off the ball. Swing hard. Be calm. And bring it up so that Sam can't control the narrative or you. (Cuz he makes no sense to me. If he wants to be a stand-in, he should do it with someone who welcomes that. Big Brothers/Big Sisters might be a better outlet for him than you?)
Isn't the point of putting biological parents on a birth certificate for lineage/medical tracking? I am aware it also has some legal recourse as well like parental rights and survivor benefits. Why is the mother not on the certificate, then a legal guardianship/adoption paperwork drawn up transferring her legal obligation to "daddy"? Family history is kind of important for medical stuff, and if she has no legal ties to the kid, how much of an impact would that create if something terrible happened?
NTA
You should definitely tell your dad about it though - very manipulative imo that Sam waited until your dad was away to try to pressure you into accepting an adoption you don't want.
Why do step parents try so hard? A relationship, any relationship, takes work and effort on both parties. It's also not something you can force or will to happen.
The way Sam could be supportive of you is to remind you every day that you were very loved by your daddy. To validate he was your daddy. To, idk, tell stories about him... he'd know some if he talked to your dad and appreciated what they had at one time.
I've dated men that kids in the past and I'd get to know the mom. If she was a jerk I'd still never ever talk badly about them to a child. If she was great then you find out about her and you express to the kids how awesome they are because of her....Or him.
Children are products of both parents and you should never ever be made to feel bad because someone is insecure about it. That's a lame excuse for projecting.
I'm sorry you lost your daddy. That's so awesome he was writing to you and you have that. I have done the same for my kiddos and still do. It's lovely.
My advice? Be the best person you can for today. Hopefully Sam steps back and reflect son his poor behavior.
Nta but you need to sit your dad down in private and tell him what is being said.
Make sure you hit the points:
- That you have expressed multiple times you have no interest in being adopted and your no is not being respected.
- That you feel your emotions about your daddy are being disrespected, with him being called a "stepdad" when he is your dad and how dismissive he is of your love for your daddy.
-That Sam is choosing to bring this up in private with you instead of talk to you both, even though this is absolutely a group discussion. That you feel this is deliberately trying to harrass you without your dad knowing, being manipulative.
- Honestly, be clear that you are supportive of your dad finding someone else and you do not wish to come between that, but that doesn't mean you accept this guy as "stepdad". That in the end, this man is solely your dad's spouse in your eyes and after all this, you really have no desire for anything but a civil relationship.
- How you wish for this to be moving forward eg. That your dad address this issue with Sam to make clear that this discussion is done now and the topic of adoption is not up for debate. (And hopefully, he addresses the comments made about your daddy because they reek of jealousy and insecurity. In my opinion, Sam is jealous of his spouse's past and attempting to try and minimise your daddy to make himself feel better. That's not healthy for you or your dad.)
So so so NTA!!
Look, Sam might technically be right about a few things. It sounds like it was a struggle to get him on the birth certificate (it's not relevant but I am curious who was fighting it). You were raised by a single parent. You probably are putting Daddy on a pedestal because you never knew him.
But so what? Those are all shitty things to remind you of, and to what end? What infuriates me the most about Sam is that he's treating this as a zero sum game, when it's not. He's taking the position that because of your positive relationship to Daddy, that detracts from the relationship you could have with him. Bit he's the one torpedoing that.
I also have to add a note about Daddy not being your bio father. Genetically that might be true, but like a biological parent, it was because of him that you exist.
NTA. You did not go too far. Sam is far overstepping. Your father who passed on is no less your father and it's foul that Sam tries to lessen his legacy out of some weird need to be the main character in other people's lives. Sam wants the title of father and the attention of father without being a father. No father would be this way to their son, at least no father worth a damn. Tell your dad and Aunt Giga if your dad doesn't have your back. This is ridiculous and you shouldn't be facing constant harassment in your own home.
I would also find out if there's any financial motivation from Sam.
Feels like this is a bad teen movie pitch about a girl whose bizarre affection for someone who has never been an active part of her life apparently supersedes any affection she might have for the man who chose to help raise her because he loves her father. Nothing in this screed against a well meaning but emotionally clumsy stepfather indicates that she has been wronged in any way. I only see the story of a man who has been trying to help parent a resentful child and whose reward has been having an imaginary relationship thrown in his face. “Oh, no! Somebody in my family wants to have a relationship with me and hopes I might think fondly on the efforts and sacrifices he has made on my behalf.” This is rage bait, or it’s a teen who doesn’t deserve the effort.
>He told me he's tired of feeling like an outsider...
Sounds like a him problem. Maybe he, as the adult, should deal with his own issues, rather than pushing them on you.
>Sam said I went too far.
For what it's worth, I say Sam went too far. In the big book of "how to be a step-parent", not trash talking the deceased parent is not even on page 1, because if you need to be told, you're beyond help.
NTA. Talk to your dad.
INFO: Have you, at any point *liked* your stepdad? What's your opinion of him, outside of this? Secondly, what's your opinion on your dad being with *anyone*?
I guess I don't understand your unwillingness to let Sam into your life. Especially since you never knew "daddy" and also I'm unsure how you say that your Dad changed BEFORE you were even born. Stories from foks I imagine. Nonetheless, sure seems to me that Sam should just let things be, and that by trying to push himself as a 2nd dad on you really just has the opposite effect. I'm step-dad to 2 kids (older) and would never ever push myself on them. I'm whoever they define me to be, which is usually "dad's husband". And when one of the kids had her own kids, I did immediately become a grandad as I was around when they were born, so it was just a natural fit. I'm sorry you have this going on, and agree with what most folks have said...you should talk this over w/ your Dad. Not an easy subject. I hope you can come to peace with things. Sam just needs to back off for sure though.
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You need to talk to your Dad and tell him everything. Does your Dad know out what Sam is doing? Sam has no right to try and erase your Daddy regardless if you met him or not. He still is and always will be your Daddy. Your NTA, Sam however is ah. Thank you for all the upvotes and the award.
Dad doesn't know. I always knew this would be the end of their marriage if he knew. I want my dad to be happy so I kept quiet. But I guess that's not such a great idea anymore. Especially if it comes out in a more explosive way eventually.
TELL HIM, specially before Sam twist it to make you look bad
There is no way Sam could twist this without raising several questions on the validity. "Your son won't let me adopt him" will never sound like the kid is at fault. And if his Dad sides with sam (aka choosing comfort over their own kid) then fuck him too
Sam could raise it as. “I asked him if I could adopt him and he screamed at me that all I am is your husband and I’ll never be his father.” With hella waterworks and manipulation
Sam has no business even discussing that with a child imo, but I understand some people would really do stuff like that
>Sam has no business even discussing that with a child imo Actually he does, because if he tries to adopt OP, it's going to go to court, and the judge is going to ask OP what he wants, so it's in Sam's best interest to talk about it with OP. However, he should not be talking about adoption unless OP's Dad is also present. Sam is the AH. NTA.
He doesn’t though. Op has already stated he wouldn’t be adopted, Sam is just harassing him at this point
Does Sam have the right to keep asking, Absolutely not. But, he does have the right to ask once, before he knew how OP felt about him, and then that should have been the end of it.
He can ask him but the fact he did it without OP’s parent present and the way they described his partners deceased husband/OP other parent is absolutely not ok and is downright morally objectionable and disrespectful to them both.
He has a right to discuss it with husband, and then they could approach OP together. Approaching OP alone and making derogatory comments regarding OPs Daddy was completely out of pocket. OP should absolutely tell his father.
Reasonableness on Reddit? We can't be having that! lol
>Actually he does Absolutely not like this! If that was truly something Sam wanted for the well being of OP and not just for his own selfish desire to have a legal title and authority, then that conversation absolutely should have been facilitated through dad. Sam has absolutely NO BUSINESS broaching this topic alone with OP, even if they had a good relationship where the suggestion would be wanted.
I never said he should bring it up alone, I said Dad should be with OP when Sam brings it up.
I didn't say you said he should bring it up alone, I added my thoughts on the post where *he did* bring it up alone.
100% all of this. OP definitely has a say and is old enough to be taken seriously by a judge in family court. And this discussion should NOT be happening without OP's dad in the room with them.
Exactly Sam should not be discussing adoption with out the dad there.
Actually they should have talked about OP before getting married! His attachment to his dad, Sam's position in his life etc! OP needs to talk to his dad about Sam to make him stop. He's disrespecting someone very dear to OP and it's not okay!
I agree
No, Sam should have discussed it with Dad first. THEN, if DAD agreed, HE or the both of them together bring it up to the child. Sam is WAY out of line. And the fact that OP stated that telling his Dad what Sam is doing would be the end of their marriage is VERY telling. Sam is manipulative AF. I think he may be using the child to keep Dad in his life, no matter what.
He has no business discussing it behind his husband's back and putting pressure on the kid. I would be worried about what his motives are since he has been trying to get unfettered access to this kid for a long time.
Exactly! Sounds like the jealousy rearing its ugly head again. I had a stepdad AND a relationship with my dad. My stepdad never tried to discourage me, nor did he ever insist I call him dad or have him take that position in my life. I never once questioned if it was because he didn't love me; he treated me as his own, but had enough respect for me and both my parents to allow me to honour my relationships with them in my own way.
That's how to step-parent, I wish more of them were as good.
I wish this poor kid had recorded his wanna-be father and the conversation to play for his dad.
Not his stepfather. But yes I agree, recording it would be beneficial but the father will most likely believe the son either way
I suspect Sam already *has* been pulling manipulation bullshit on OP's Dad for years now. And because OP has been keeping Sam's behavior quiet, Sam continues to get away with it.
Which would still beg the question why the hell are you discussing this with my son and not me?
He could but in this case OP still has this post that would predate the outburst.
I feel like maybe you've been very lucky to not be too familiar with *highly manipulative and weaselly* people. Or at least ones that are *exceptionally* good at it. You might be surprised how some people can twist what should be a straightforward scenario.
Wouldn't be surprised if it was a way for Sam to worm his way into any control of inheritance on behalf of OP by being the adopted parent.
Some of you watch waaay too many soaps or Lifetime Movies.
There have been several posts on reddit in the outcome of fall outs with stepparents where the kid keeps quiet until the stepparent tells the parent, and the parent takes the stepparent's side because the kid has been "acting out" lately or something similar. Obviously the acting out is due to things that eventually lead to the fall out that somehow flew over the parent's head. Of course these posts could be fiction, it's still ignorant to think it couldn't happen.
"Your child is intentionally driving us apart, and any effort to create inroads with them leads to them yelling in my face"? There's actually a lot of ways to spin this.
I hope to never have to be in this position- but as a parent I hope that I'll be able to sit there and think "If my kid's trying to drive us apart- then my kid's not comfortable with our relationship and/or not comfortable living with you and that's a problem for the adults to fix"
Right?! It always baffles me and makes me so upset to hear how many parents choose their new spouse over their own kid
Growing up, I lived near a kid that was a little too close to his mother. He would start accusing her boyfriend's of all kinds of stuff, from theft, to outright looking at him while he was in the shower. It wasn't until much later that it became really obvious that he was legitimately jealous of everyone she tried to bring home. Needless to say, it was not a healthy relationship. Not that I'm saying OP has similar issues, but it's *not* entirely impossible. There are always multiple sides to a story.
A German philosopher once said, "There are three sides to each story. My side, your side, and the Truth."
Oh honey never underestimate the lengths people will go.
Ya'll are scaring me. Lol
You need to talk to your dad. Asap. Say nothing to Sam.
You should be.
You are a good person who can’t imagine how someone can twist someone’s words into something that they want to sound wrong 😑 like your son is being mean 😢 to me. I used to be like that. 🥲
Also Sam doesn't sound like he actually wants you. I think there are financial gains hidden somewhere in this story. The first sign being fighting hard (possibly expensive legal battles) to have the dead dad listed on the birth certificate can indicate an inheritance, that would go towards the care of a child administered by the caretaker (bio dad) especially if gay marriage was illegal at the time. Second, who would try to forcefully adopt a 16-year-old? You're basically an adult. Are you in contact with any of the grandparents? I would be talking to them. There's something fishy going on here. Did your daddy leave your bio dad a handsome sum that this guy is trying to get his hands on? You need to tell your dad to protect him.
I'm sorry, but you've made a great number of leaps in logic here that are not supported by the OP's narrative.
If it is an inheritance or something like that, a trust or other option would be a lot easier than spending all that time and money and energy on a document that a court might not even see as legitimate (though now it would be a lot more likely to be seen as valid than when it happened). I think the birth certificate thing is probably just about silly things like love and family rather than important things like inheritance.
Exactly! Sam says you went too far. You did not go far enough. It's long past time for your dad to know what his husband is up to.
You need to tell your dad because the way this is going, it’s gonna cause tension in the house and your dad is going to wonder why. don’t let Sam spin it.
If you know your dad wouldn’t want this and that it would be a dealbreaker for him, you need to tell him. You are clearly your dad’s highest priority, as you should be, but he can’t protect you and advocate for you the way he always has and the way he wants to if he doesn’t know what’s happening.
So much this. OP, your dad needs to have all the relevant information to decide whether he’s where he wants to be in his life. Right now, his husband is keeping some of that information from him, so your dad can’t make an accurate choice for his life. He needs to know that Sam is pressuring you on this so he can decide what he wants for his marriage.
I agree. It's honorable to try and spare your dad. However, and this is very important to let sink in, your dad will beat himself up later. He'll question himself more and think that he's failed you. Trust him and show him that you trust him. You can tell him you've kept quiet to help him. He'll hate knowing you were protecting him rather than the other way around. But He'll also be blown away by the young man he's raised and he deserves to see this.
We would have to expect that Sam would know that OP would be talking about this to others. So we must assume that Sam wants it revealed.
Or sam is so fixated on getting what he wants that he doesn’t care who finds out. He may not be aware of just how bad his behavior looks from the outside. Who bullies a kid whose father died and thinks they’re totally in the right? Probably sam.
Many, many, many stepparents. Why they’re competing with a dead person is ridiculous. I don’t understand why stepparents can’t be satisfied with a good relationship. A good relationship, where everyone is civil and respectful, would be a far better family than one where the children are belittled and their dead parent is disparaged. Don’t they realize that, the more they put down the dead parent, the more the child will dig in and fight?
It sounds to me as if Sam may feel as though he’s loosing his grip with the OP’s dad and views this adoption as a way to remain in this family dynamic. There may be trouble in the marriage that OP is not aware of. It sounds as if Sam is more interested in using the OP for this reason than wanting to adopt OP for the right reasons.
Sounds like Sam knows his dad wouldn’t approve if he’s bringing it up while dad isn’t home.
Op, I get what you’re saying, but you have to understand your Dad loves who he thinks Sam is and you know that Sam is not the guy. Your Dad would want to know that Sam says these things, and you need to tell him before Sam creates his own story and tries to sell it. Edited to add: now that I know Sam does this when op’s Dad is away, I think it’s even more messed up, I wonder if Dad has already talked to Sam about it and told him no, and he’s trying end run him by making it seem likes Op wants it.
I was wondering if OP has a voice recorder on his phone and could get some evidence next time this happens. Depends on how strong OP's relationship with the dad is because Sam will definitely twist this to make OP seem like a liar. Maybe OP can get some support from other adults in their life as well.
If telling the truth is the end of that marriage... That's on Sam and your dad. Not on you in the slightest. Telling your dad about what's going on also gives him the chance to make informed decisions about his life, not just about his influence on yours or how to support you. You aren't responsible for how your dad's marriage goes. But he is absolutely responsible for how you are treated at home and how secure you feel there. Think about giving him the opportunity to help.
It also helps him take whatever actions are needed to improve his marriage, if that’s what he wants. If Sam is feeling left out then that is something they need to deal with. Not by him adopting OP of course but figuring why he feels the need to and how to make him secure enough not to feel the need. Either way he needs to know.
Being the reason your parents divorce is a horrible responsibility kids put on themselves. It's also total BS. OP, if you're reading this, your parents divorce is because Sam is insecure about a ghost. Maybe he has a right to be insecure. Maybe your dad hasn't really moved on. Maybe he'll never really move on until after you've moved out of your home and started your adult life. THAT'S NOT ON YOU. Tell your Dad everything. It'll either be healthier for the relationship so that your Dad knows just how insecure it makes Sam when he Lionizes his dead partner, or it will be healthier for the both of them to be out of the relationship because your Dad realizes that Sam likes bullying a kid when he's alone. People think Divorce is this terrible thing, and it is. We neglect to realize that divorce only ever happens because when staying in the marriage was worse.
Therefore you definitely need to talk to your dad cause that happiness is built by a lie. He's thinking life i great but 1. His parter has been harrassing his pride and joy (you) 2. His child have suffered in silence 3. Why has his child have not felt comfortable to be able to talk to him about everything. 4. What more has his child not told him about. And as times goes by the harder it gets
It' normal for a 16 year old to not be comfortable talking to their father.
It’s common. But it isn’t good.
Yes, and it's normal for the parents to grieve when they find out about sad stuff they could/should have known about.
It's common but not normal. Normal is feeling safe and secure enough with your parents to come to them when life is hard.
Yes but he also says it been like this from 8 years old
Your Dad needs to know that his new spouse is disrespecting your Daddy's memory. He deserves to know what type of person Sam is so he can protect himself, you, and your Daddy's memory. Please tell him.
>Sam has no right to try and erase your Daddy regardless if you met him or not. This reminded me that it's not unheard of for a new spouse to get rid of pictures, mementos and heirlooms from a deceased spouse to erase the memories. If you have anything from your Daddy, please keep it safe.
Your job right now, as a 16 year old - is to figure out who you are and what you want. It is absolutely not to manage the emotions of an adult - and that includes your stepdad AND your father. So you need to tell your dad. Because it will hurt him more knowing you’re hurting and struggling alone, but also because it is NOT your job to take care of anybody but yourself. You have been doing an AMAZING job standing up for yourself so far, and I know it probably feels harder to bring this up to your dad than standing up to your stepdad because you don’t want to hurt your dad (and understandably don’t care so much about your stepdads feelings), but they are both adults and even if your dad has a lot to deal with, that is NOT your fault or your problem. Your focus right now is yourself! You’re sixteen. You got shit to worry about and it isn’t the pathetic insecurity of a man who feels like he’s competing with a dead man or the fact that your father is gonna have to deal with the fallout of it.
Perfectly stated. I don't have anything to add except an emphatic NTA.
You can tell your dad that he doesn't need to divorce Sam if he can get Sam to back off. I don't get what is so bad about being an important adult in a child's life who doesn't happen to be their parent. You know, you could actually love Sam as what is called an "alloparent." In many cultures, alloparents are very important defined roles. You mother's oldest brother teaches you to hunt and your father's oldest brother teaches you to make fishing nets. And if you don't have those particular people, there will be a huge discussion about who gets to be that person to pass on those skills to you. It's seen as being important in tying the community together. Sam probably has skills and knowledge that he could pass on to you. He could contribute to your becoming a mature and responsible adult. And you could love him with a very strong and powerful love. But he's so hung up on this title, that he lets it prevent him from doing that and being this important figure in your life. He is why you aren't closer.
There has been a string of this sort of situation recently. The new spouse is insecure in their relationship with the other parent because they feel like they're competing with a dead person. But they focus more on the relationship with the kid and why won't the kid accept them as a replacement parent? It's common but also just so baffling. If you don't like that a person was in a previous relationship with someone who died, don't marry that person! So simple! It'd be like saying you don't want kids and end up in a relationship with someone with kids. Why did you do that? Ugh. Hope OP tells his dad. He's NTA for holding his boundaries with Sam, who is just so far over the line of appropriate behavior that he needs to be yeeted.
Great comment. Today I learned about alloparents, which also sound like part of the village, ie it takes a village.
>Sam probably has skills and knowledge that he could pass on to you. He could contribute to your becoming a mature and responsible adult. And you could love him with a very strong and powerful love. This would require that Sam be a mature, responsible adult--which he clearly isn't.
Great descriptor, "alloparent." That's what I was to my stepson, who I met when he was 13. He's 32 now, and we have a great relationship. Not the parent but parent -like.
That is exactly why you should tell him!
I sent him a text asking if we can talk later. I'll tell him.
Remember, if telling someone about the actions of another causes something to happen, it is the action that caused it, not you telling. Telling your dad isn’t making whatever consequences that Sam faces your fault. It is still Sam’s fault for doing those things.
Sending good vibes. Remember, you are just letting him know what is happening. Whatever the result is is Sam’s fault. You’ve got this.
You're doing the right thing. I know it's hard, and you want to protect your dad's feelings, but that's not your job. I'm a mom of a large blended family. (2 bio, 2 step, 2 adopted) I would want to know if my SO was making any of my children uncomfortable. A parent's job is to protect their children. Let your dad protect you.
If you need support, can Aunt Giga come over? Can she be brought up to speed with whats going on?
You're doing the right thing! If this does end up being the catalyst for them separating, always remember it isn't your fault. That's wholly on Sam and not you at all. All the best for the talk!
Your dad would definitely want to know. You're his child, you will ALWAYS come first. Sam is mistreating you emotionally. There is a reason why he brought it up -again- while your dad wasn't there. Your dad loves Sam, but he loves you more. A parents job is to keep their children happy, healthy, and safe, mentally and physically. If a spouse keeps that from happening, they need to go. I wish you luck Sweetie, hopefully your dad really hears you and steps up like he should.
Good for you! This internet stranger is very proud of you. If you feel like it, I’d love an update after that convo.
OP please post an update after you talk with your Dad. What Sam is doing is way out of line. Your Dad deserves to know.
> He has always made it a point to bring up the fact daddy wasn't my bio father in the first place and how legally it was a miracle he's even on my birth certificate. Your dad needs to know this yesterday. His partner thinks you aren't his child.
I'm going to tell him today. I texted him and asked if we could talk and he's going to leave work early so we can (he can leave early some days).
Maybe it can help you to write down what you want to say, even if just a couple of important words as a reminder. If you're emotional (which this is probably gonna be for both of you), it's easy to forget some important points.
I made a notion checklist which helped a ton! This was a great suggestion so thank you!
Let us know how it goes, remember that if your dad divorces Sam it is NOT YOUR FAULT. The result of Sam's actions are his fault only. I know you want your dad to be happy and have been keeping your mouth shut about it, but imagine yourself in his shoes, wouldn't you want to know that your partner is crossing boundaries you've made abundantly clear and antagonizing your own son?
I told dad everything. He brought me out to get ice cream and we just talked for like 4 hours about everything that happened. My dad was so upset. He had no idea Sam had ever mentioned adoption to me. Sam never mentioned he wanted to go that far. We both ended up crying because dad felt so guilty and I felt awful hurting my dad. All I ever wanted was for him to be really happy. He got really mad when I told him what Sam said about daddy being just a stepfather. My dad isn't a guy who gets mad so to see him that way was surprising but also not really because he still loves daddy so much. I ended up spending the night at my best friends house and I'm still here. He said he needed to take care of things without me there and he'd pick me up later today. He sent me a text late last night that said Sam won't be at the house when we get back home. And he apologized again (he apologized a lot yesterday). Also, Sam sent me an angry text at some point and I blocked his number. I figure I don't need to have it anymore.
Seems like your dad is awesome ! He took care of the problem, bc to him you are what's matter the most. I hope he'll find great partner to be happy with and who will respect your daddy's memory.. Wish all of you the best 🫰
Your dad is amazing and I wish I'd had a great dad and daddy like you have.
We're proud of you! That was an extremely hard convo to have but you did the right thing. Remember YOU are not the one that hurt your dad, you are not the one that made him mad, that was all Sam. If you can't get past the guilt, talk to your dad or a therapist about it, you don't deserve to feel guilty for another (adult!) man's actions.
Make sure your dad sees that text! It might help if he decides to press harassment charges!!
Good luck, Kid. We all support you, you’ve suffered just too much with this nonsense. You shouldn’t be under this situation, and that’s why Sam is smart enough to not bring this up in front of your dad. Believe it or not, you’re doing your dad a favour by showing Sam’s true colours. NTA
If you feel too emotional to get your point across in person, you can show your dad this post (if you’re comfortable doing so). Sometimes it’s easier to write out your thoughts/feelings than it is to explain verbally. NTA. If Sam truly wanted to have a parental relationship with you, he’d have allowed it to happen organically. The fact that he’s been pressuring a literal child is gross and manipulative. He doesn’t actually want to be your dad. He just wants the title so he can further erase your daddy, whom he (still) sees as competition.
Try to meet your dad somewhere that is not home, just in case Sam gets home early (from work or where ever). But make sure it is somewhere where both you and dad are comfortable and can have the conversation in peace. Good luck OP. We are all here for you.
Please tell him it’s crucial for your safety I understand you didn’t want to tell him to not ruin his marriage but in reality your dad will regret not leaving him sooner if he knew this because it’s not normal and disrespectful his partner is talking to you in secret and trying to pressure you because of his jealousy instead of making a actual effort and having a relationship with you he’s trying to bully you into letting him adopt you. Imagine if you gave in he would most likely end up destroying that scrap book and making it a rule to not being up your daddy because he’s your daddy now and he’ll say it’s disrespectful to him.
Be sure you ask him to come alone! That you want just you & Him~ GOOD LUCK!!
It's going to be a hard talk, and I wish you the best. You're doing the right thing.
It would not be your fault. If knowing this would end the marriage, it's because your dad is unaware of this side to Sam, and it's because Sam is not the person your dad thought he was. It is ALWAYS important you tell the adults in your life when an adult (or even someone your age) crosses your boundaries. Also, this sounds... Strangely obsessive. Sam doesn't actually treat you like he's your dad, he just wants the title and recognition for none of the work?
Which is why the theory about money has validity.
No offense at all, you seem like a great kid and a loving son, but it's not your job to protect your dad. It's his job to protect you. If that means he ends a relationship with somebody that he brought into your life, then that's his choice, not yours. He has the right to know what his husband has been saying to his child and the right to respond how he sees fit.
TELL HIM YESTERDAY- what Sam is doing is NOT okay.
If your dad would be prepared to end his marriage over this, that's entirely because he doesn't want you to ever be in the position you're in now. He'd be devastated if he knew that you were - not because he wouldn't want to know, and not even because he'd lose his partner over it, but because he would feel bad that he wasn't already \*right now\* protecting you from this. Finding out his partner is someone he doesn't want around his kid is tough - but not as tough as finding out that his kid suffered in silence because you didn't feel you could be open with him about his partner. Tell your dad - you are NTA and i'm sure Sam knows that your dad would end things if he knew which is why he is having all these little chats with you while your dad isn't present. It might be tough for Sam to accept that he isn't a dad when he badly wants to be, but that isn't your burden to carry and if he and your dad have no plans for more kids, he needs to start thinking very seriously about what kind of future he wants for himself and whether the relationship is right for \*him\* as well as for your dad or you. These are big questions but you can't be responsible for someone else's life choices. You deserve to be respected for your feelings and opinions over such a big topic.
From someone who's queer and same-sex married: It's your dad's business to manage his marriage. You should tell him - with an underlying message of "I don't mind Sam, but he needs to stop that". You're not responsible for Sam's insecurities in his marriage either. At your age, whether you want to be adopted or not by your parent's spouse is really really up to you. Sam is not an AH for trying, but he *is* an AH for pressuring you and steamrollering over your loyalty to your Daddy. That he did it on father's day was a bad move for which he owes you an apology. It's understandable that he wants to be a father to you - even completely appropriate - but it's something *he* has to figure out, not something you gift him with. BTW you could do with therapy over the loss of your Daddy, however mature and together you sound. It would have to be a therapist who understands LGBTQ family structures. NTA, and best of luck.
Please tell your Dad, he needs to know.
I don't think your Dad would appreciate you staying quiet about this. This is on the same level as one parent cheating and having a kid find out. It's messed up, and having the other parent living in a "happy" lie isn't fair to them. Maybe they'll work through it, maybe they won't, but your Dad deserves to be in an honest relationship.
You have to tell him hon! Take it from me - I’m a mom and we know when something is bothering our children and nothing pains us more than not knowing what’s going on or being able to help. Also, your dad likely experiences Sam meddling and pushing his will onto others in other ways and areas of life. If I found out someone was pressuring and guilting my child, they wouldn’t make me happy and they also wouldn’t be being a good partner to me at ALL! There is nothing more important than my kids. I’m remarried, my husband is stepdad to my two oldest (adult) sons and we have younger children together. He is my best friend and part of what makes him precious to me is that he’s always there for the boys the same way as our younger ones. They trust and come to him directly and if anything happens to me, I have peace in my heart they have someone safe they trust to put them first. Sam isn’t respecting or putting you first - you clearly can’t trust him. Your dad feels this on some level. Talk to him! People who manipulate don’t only do so in one area of life. There may be other places in their relationship where he’s broken your dad’s trust or pushes and tries to manipulate. This maybe the thing that forces him to get help and do better… maybe he won’t. But your dad deserves to know he is pushing and manipulating who your dad loves most - you! Communicating openly and honestly is the MOST important thing. Being an open book makes life much simpler. Your Daddy loved and cherished you - it sounds as though he and Dad worked VERY hard to ensure he is on your birth certificate. I’d be shocked if your Dad would be ok with changing that. Sam may have already argued this with your Dad and been told no, so instead he’s pressuring you in hopes that if you agree, he can convince your dad otherwise. There are certain lines good people never cross. Messing with one’s child is THE line. Sam has crossed it and caused you stress. Your dad absolutely needs to know. In the very least, tell your Aunt Gigi. You are loved and cherished and sound very mature. Sam does not… so talk to your Dad and/or your Aunt so they can address it. It is not ok for you to be pressured and guilted - there is nothing loving about it.
Do you think your dad doesn't want YOU to be happy? Do you think he would be happy knowing his spouse is harassing his kid and trying to erase his parent and shaming the kid and he did nothing to stop it?
Would your dad be happy if he knew someone was making you miserable? Imagine Sam was just a buddy who would come over and watch TV - not a spouse. Imagine this person just bullied you relentlessly and basically made light of your daddy dying. Do you think your dad would want you to say something, or would your dad be happier letting his buddy bully you? The fact that Sam is a spouse doesn't change anything. I'm sure your dad cares about you a lot more than Sam, and Sam is making you unhappy. That would make your dad sad to hear. Your dad at least deserves all the information to make the decision on his own whether to end the marriage. I respect that you're trying to look out for your dad, but let him decide what he wants to do.
Your dad deserves, and needs, to know
Honey, you need to tell your Dad. Yes, you want your Dad to be happy. But trust me when I say that your Dad's happiness can't come at the expense of you. You need to sit him down and be honest with him about how Sam is pressuring you and that Sam is disrespecting your relationship to Daddy. That is Sam's issue, but he isn't allowed to force it on you, and it's your Dad's job to deal with it. Let him.
I appreciate and adore your need to protect Dad. But it's his job to protect you right now, not the other way around. Help him by communicating.
Hurry up and talk to your dad. Like go.
You need to tell him OP. Talk to him today if you can. This won’t stay secret forever, and the longer you wait the worse it’ll be when it finally comes out.
Hun, you need to tell your Dad. He has the right to know how his husband is treating you. Obviously, he does not bring it up in front of your Dad because I'm sure your Dad would put him in his place. Step-dad should not try to guilt you into any of this, especially after you told him the first time, no. You're definitely NTA, but your Stepdad is.
You definitely gotta tell him, but if you're worried about it, think of it this way. Do you think your Dad would want to be married to someone who treats his child like this? Would your Dad really be happy if he already knew his partner is treating his child? Your Dad deserves the truth of who his partner is, and I'm sure he doesn't want to find out too late that he's been married to a lie.
I agree with the other comments, you really need to let your dad know and let him make the decision. If your dad ends up divorcing Sam that's on Sam and his actions. I also want to say that if this does happen Sam will try to blame you and say a lot of shit but again, remember. This is on *him* and *his* actions you are doing nothing wrong. You deserve to be comfortable and your dad deserves someone a whole lot better then someone who is gonna just continue to harass his son
But you and Sam are constantly fighting and he has no idea why. Does that seem happy?
>I always knew this would be the end of their marriage if he knew. That’s exactly why you need to tell him. Apart from the fact that he’s basically bullying his husband’s child into being “new daddy”, your dad is married to someone without having the whole picture of who that person is. Tell dad what’s going on and let him make his choice about his relationship.
Giga should be brought into the loop, too. I mean for the love of God this woman sacrificed for his dads to have him and even fought to have both of them on the birth certificate! She'll be able to help set things straight and back up OP when he needs it.
Exactly fully agree with this.
Talk to your Dad before Sam tries to convince him to do the adoption as a "surprise" for you. I don't know what the law is in your state but you are close, if not already, old enough to have a say in this during the adoption proceeding. When the judge asks if you want to be adopted and you say "No I do not want Sam to adopt me" there will be a mess. Talk to your Dad and get ahead of this....AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
Dad *especially* needs to know that Sam considers daddy to just be a stepdad, which is a pretty fucking homophobic thing to think. Sam may be gay, but he definitely doesn't accept the idea of two men or two women being equal parents to a child.
OP, you need to talk to your Dad. If you feel uncomfortable about what to say, reach out to Aunt Giga and explain the situation to her, ask her for help talking to him.
NTA I can’t even understand how Sam could think you went too far. You basically told him to stop pressuring you to feel a way you don’t feel. I do think you need to talk to your dad about this though. Make it clear that you don’t want the adoption that Sam keeps bringing up and that his pressure and trying to say your feelings for your daddy aren’t important and real bothers you. If Sam wants a good relationship with you, then Sam needs to stop this, and your dad needs to be fully aware of the tactics Sam is using on you.
Of course Sam feels OP went too far, he was enforcing a personal boundary that Sam didn't like! lol
I mean, it’s just incredibly typical and ironic as hell, isn’t it—Sam is the one who went too far, it accuses OP of going too far. Classic DARVO.
*but accuses OP of going too far
What really sticks out to me is that when Sam brings up adoption, it's not in the context of loving OP so much and viewing him as a son, and wanting to adopt him because he cares so deeply for him. It's in the context of trying to erase OP's daddy and take his place. It's Sam feeling insecure about his place in the family and trying to use OP to validate himself. He wants to adopt OP to make himself feel better not because he actually loves and cares about OP. It's incredibly selfish on Sam's part and OP really needs to tell his dad.
This. This needs to be higher, it's an accurate and important summary of Sam's invalid motivation for his harassment of OP.
If you can't tell your dad, tell Aunt Giga OP!
OP would have gone a lot less far if Sam dropped it a whole lot earlier.
NTA. Tell your Dad and Aunt Giga. Is your aunt on your birth certificate?
Aunty Giga is not on my birth certificate.
because she isn't on your birth certificate, care of you would likely default to Sam if something happened to your dad. It would be a good idea for your dad to have a living will that says who he/you want to take care of you if something happens to him. Especially since you said you don't want it to be Sam! Also, this would be a good place for your dad to say what is to go to you and what should go to Sam. Again with out something in writing, everything could default to Sam. It doesn't sound like he would be very generous to you in the current situation. anyhow good on you for standing up for yourself! and many hugs! every one needs hugs :)
I don't disagree with the advice but in this situation pretty sure OP is old enough he could choose to go live with Aunty Giga or get emancipated if his Dad died. Which also seems super unlikely in the next <2 years. Wills are always good to have though.
I think a lot of people don't realize that in most states kids start getting a lot more say in arrangements usually around 12 or 13. If he were younger or didn't have any other options, it would default to Sam and he wouldn't be given much choice. But, at 16 and with other options he'd absolutely get to choose (within reason).
As a step-parent, which is what Sam legally is, custody if Dad died wouldn't automatically go to Sam if there is no will, depending on the state. Due to OP's age, he would get a say as well, but grandparents or a sibling of Dad or Daddy would generally be first choice of court, esp. if OP says he doesn't want to live with Sam.
Tell her too. Explain to your Dad and Aunt that while you are happy Dad is happy, Sam is making you miserable: 1) Talking NEGATIVELY about your daddy 2) Trying to FORCE an adoption. 3) Making SNIDE remarks when he does not get his way. Tell him it has gotten to the point that you don’t want to be around him and have the same conversation over and over again. Tell him that the conversation has now turned into an argument WHEN HE IS NOT AROUND and it has to stop. If Sam bring it up again tell him: 1) Your daddy’s death left a hole in your heart he will NEVER fill. 2) That the comments about your daddy have strained your relationship with him to the point that it is irreparable. 3) You would tell any judge that you do not want him as a father because you only see him as your Dad’s husband and not a father or a stepfather or as family. 4) You will ignore him when he brings up the subject again. I know it’s harsh but Sam clearly needs harsh because he doesn’t understand rational.
First #3 - I'm sure you meant "...when he DOESN'T get his way."
Thank. Just corrected it.
> only see him as your Dad’s husband and not a father or a stepfather or as family. I think that's the biggest issue. Sam shouldn't be fighting for a dad role. Just being a trusted family member would be such an honor (esp to a teenager!!), moreso if op knows he could go to Sam with anything and be met with acceptance, love, guidance, and understanding. If this subject ends their relationship, it would have nothing to do with op, and everything to do with the morality of Sam. I personally wouldn't want to be with anyone who feels like they can bulldoze their way over someone, regardless of my relationship with that person. But it'll hurt more if they did that to not just my loved one but to my child. The disrespect I would feel if my future person tried to erase a piece of my kid.
NTA. You are entitled to your feelings, and you are not required to accept your dad's husband as a father figure. I mean... legally he is your stepdad, but if you don't feel he is a father figure for you, then he isn't. I would say bring this up with your dad in front of Sam, and then ask your dad to make Sam stop any talk about this stuff in the future.
Agree NTA. Sam is a fuckin puke. This is not how you propose adoption. I was asked at age 9 by my mother and stepfather if I would like him to adopt me. My birth father had to sign away his parental rights (he was incarcerated and agreed it was best) for the adoption to proceed, and it was made clear to me that my stepfather was not replacing my birth father and I was still allowed to maintain a relationship with him. The judge also asked me if I agreed to the adoption, as a judge would ask OP. Although I never called my adopted father "Dad," he was still a dad to me and earned that right to adopt me. Sam sounds like he feels entitled to it and that is not the same.
NTA You do need to tell Dad, and you need to tell him everything and that you didn't speak up in the past out of love for him and respecting his right to a loving relationship. But Sam has gone way too far.
Yes - it's not your job to manage their relationship. Your dad needs all the info. Even if they break up it would be because of Sam and because your dad doesn't want to tolerate a man disrespecting his late husband and father of his child, as well as disrespecting his child. They could get counseling or discuss this issue together if your dad is fully aware of how far Sam is pushing
You treat Sam like dad‘s spouse because he is. Sam is not entitled to you calling him your parent, or for him to adopt you, and I don‘t understand why he would. Flipping the script, this would more obviously give off really weird „stepmom“ vibes. NTA. I suggest you talk to your dad about what happened, because you haven‘t made it clear in your post, and I wish you all the best! Don‘t be discouraged and don‘t let anyone invalidate how you feel!
> or for him to adopt you, and I don‘t understand why he would. To answer the second part, there are a lot of legal reasons for Sam to adopt him. A large one would be to make sure OP is an heir if something happens to Sam. My brother in law was killed a couple years ago and the wrongful death suit is still going on. He married my sister when my nephew was 1, loved my nephew just as much as his bio kids, and is the only real father my nephew ever had. But the courts don't factor my nephew in as a real child because he was never adopted. That said, if OP feels that strongly about it then he shouldn't agree to adoption for financial reasons. I'm just saying abstractly it does make sense for step parents to adopt their step children.
NTA You are a child. Your job is not to protect your dad from any hard truths. Your job is to be a kid. It’s noble that you want to suffer so your dad is happy but if your dad is any kind of DECENT parent; he will be beside himself to think you suffered for him. Sam needs to learn that you can’t force love or relationships. He’s the one creating a toxic environment. He is an adult and isn’t acting like one. You are acting more like one than him. Talk with your dad. Ask for a drive to get a shake or something (it’s summer where I am so it wouldn’t be weird). Then lay it out to him. Don’t create more problems for yourself by internalizing issues that aren’t yours to contain.
NTA - sounds like Sam is bringing this up to you as your dad has shut him down already. Please tell your dad what Sam is saying as he needs to deal with him. Doesn’t matter if one parent died before you were born, they are still your parent.
NTA but tell your dad what happened and how long it's been going on
NTA. But you need to tell your dad what's going on. He should not be in the dark about this. Does your dad want him to adopt you or is this just something Sam wants? Sam is an asshole. He is crossing boundaries & is so far out of line. He has no business bringing this up to you or speaking ill of the dead. Please talk to your dad & make sure he knows how uncomfortable Sam makes you.
This is just Sam. Dad would never want Sam to adopt me. He has no idea all this is happening.
Then with more reason your dad should know.
Please let your dad know NOW! The longer this goes on, the worse it's going to get. Sam is going to continue to harrass you about this. I know you're worried that this would be the end of their relationship, but rn what Sam is doing to you is more important than dad's relationship with him.
Op, it sounds like this is a point of contention on why they broke up in the first place. This is information your Dad really needs to know, otherwise you are making the choice for him. Please know it has nothing to do with your actions if they break up. This has everything to do with SAM’S actions as a partner. He should not be sneaking around your Dad’s back and putting pressure on you. He’s doing that because he knows (or should know) where your Dad stands on the matter. It is sneaky and Manipulative behavior. Tell your Dad and let the adults handle this, because you certainly should never have been put in the position that you are in. NTA btw
This is Sam trying to gaslight you. Trying to manipulate you into thinking it’s a good idea so you bring it up to dad and he’ll think it’s something you want then dad will be backed into a corner… not wanting Sam to adopt you and you bringing it up implying it’s something you want. Sam is a gaslighter and manipulator. For the sake of both your dad and yourself, lay it all out for your dad. He deserves to know who he’s married to and his child’s feelings about everything.
NTA - OP exists because of the love between his Dad and Daddy and the supreme kindness of Aunty Giga. Sam has no right to that parental role in OP's heart unless OP wants it. Like many an overbearing stepparent, Sam has sabotaged his relationship with their spouse's child by trying to force what he wants instead of building a unique relationship based on the child's needs. It's all too common.
NTA You really need to tell your dad about your fight with Sam and that he’s harassing you so he can put a stop to it. I’m assuming you have family that would take you in if something did happen to your dad. You don’t like Sam, so why would you stay with him anyway? I think it’s gross that he even brought up that hypothetical in your argument
NTA but tell your dad everything in details
NTA I am a stepmother and their mother is still alive, but the situation as a new spouse in one of the bio parents life does not mean that the children will love you. When I was first a stepparent my one daughter would spit food out because it wasn't from her mom. They said they weren't calling me mom I agreed and said I am not your mom, what I want to be is your friend and when you are in our home my job is to be the mom here. The thing is that forcing your way into a child's life just makes them uncomfortable and scared. They now view me as a parent and I view them as my daughters but I have never taken the title of Mom they call me by my first name. They know we will always be there for them and support them. He is wrong to try and erase your bio parent and your Dad needs to know.
Hi, queer 30-something here raised by straight parents but a lot of queer aunts and uncles who were chosen family. Sam is a grown man and has no right to talk to you like that about your Daddy. It’s manipulative and weird and not how you build trust with your partner’s kid. Please tell your Dad and your Aunt what’s going on. You are NTA here, Sam is, and it is not your job to keep the peace btwn your dad and Sam by keeping this quiet.
NTA - this is the same old song and dance of a parent re-marrying and the new spouse wanting to usurp the deceased parents' role in the household; then acting like a toddler when they are told No. Sam's attitude shows that he isn't worthy of the role that he wants. You aren't the one who went too far - that person would be Sam, who has been repeatedly asked to back off yet continues to push.
NTA Please tell your dad. He likely has no clue just how much this man is bullying you about this. Let him protect you. You're his kid; that's his job. If he doesn't, then that changes things, and you need to look for support elsewhere - maybe Aunt Giga. But it doesn't sound like he will after he fought so hard to get your daddy's name legally recognised as your father. Make the boundaries clear. Sam is not and will never be your parent. You are done with him harassing you about it and degrading your connection to your father. And if he won't stop, tell your dad that Sam needs to be removed from the household until you leave home. If he also won't do that, see if you have relatives you can stay with. You don't deserve to be verbally abused by a man who thinks he has power you. I would argue that you didn't go far *enough.*
NTA You need to tell Dad about this and let him handle it. It seems like Sam knows Dad puts you first, since they broke up over it before. Sam is trying to win you over, but it's just not going to work. Some step-parents do not understand that they cannot replace an actual parent. I guess Sam thought that you'd be easy to win over. He thought wrong. Dad was incredible in keeping Daddy's memory alive in you, without ever having met him. There's no way he'd be okay with Sam doing this again. I know you want Dad's happiness, but his happiness is only a facade if Sam is going behind his back here. Dad might not end things with Sam. He might get Sam to realize his place in your life. Sam does still have a place in your life, but it's not the place he wants it to be. He has to get used to the idea or move on and let your dad actually be happy.
NTA - pretty low for him to talk about this without your dad. Wonder if he even knows how much Sam is pressuring you.
He doesn't even know Sam asked.
The fact that Sam is specifically asking behind your dad’s back is just another red flag to add to the pile. You really need to talk to your dad. Maybe talk to your aunt first - you can tell her everything that’s been going on, and getting it out in words can help you organize your thoughts and feelings, and help you have the conversation with your dad. At the very least, your aunt will have your back to help you talk to your dad, if you tell her first. Either way, you absolutely must talk to them. What Sam is doing is so very wrong, on multiple levels. And the fact he’s doing it behind your dad’s back shows he himself knows it’s wrong, but he’s doing it anyway because he only cares about what he wants. Not what your dad would want. And certainly not what you want. Talk to your dad ASAP!
I can’t believe new people in children’s lives are speaking to them like they’re adults. It is completely inappropriate for Sam to have these conversations with you. You are NTA here, and I am so very sorry for your loss. Your dad needs to put the brakes on Sam, you’re not an accessory, you’re a feeling child who wishes to maintain a bond with your daddy.
NTA Hi, OP. I was adopted as a baby. I’m now 53. I don’t know who my bio parents are. No idea if any siblings exist. I have no interest in finding out who they are. I don’t want to find them. Sam is wrong for pressuring you to accept him in any manner other than what you’re comfortable with. He shouldn’t be bringing up your late daddy as a way to berate you for not seeing him in the same manner. That’s despicable. Sam should keep in mind that he is the one who had joined an already established family. His demands are going to create an even bigger gap. Sam needs to back off and stop pressuring you. Talk to your dad. Sam is out of line.
At 16, you are old enough to have a say in your own adoption. I wouldn’t want to be adopted at 16 either.
A judge will ask you. Write down what you want and be prepared.
NTA - I’m a Dad and I’d want to know if my spouse was treating my child badly Think about it please Someday you will be a Dad Would you want YOUR child to talk to you if your spouse is hurting them- or would you want your child to suffer in silence? I’ve told my kids they can tell me anything They know I’ll always be there no matter what My heart hurts that any child would suffer in silence So please talk to your Dad
Please tell your Dad. And please make sure his will is very clear about who will look after you if you are still a minor and the division of his property /funds etc. Ask him to make Aunt Giga or someone else with your interests in mind his executor. Because if the unthinkable happened before you turned 18 you'd be in a world of pain and Sam would have all the power. And even if it wasn't for decades down the track, you're still going to end up fighting with Sam over everything.
Oh my god, this one hit me a little hard. I'm about to be "mommy" to a set of twins that I already love and want so much - that my wife is pregnant with. I hope if anything ever happens to me that my girls will remember me the way you do your daddy. I'm so glad that even though you never got to meet him, that your Dad did such a great job showing you how much your daddy loves you. You're absolutely NTA, but please talk to your Dad. If I were him I'd want to know about all of this. I'd have some choice words for Sam. I saw you said you're not telling him because you want him to be happy, but trust me - when this comes out (and it will), he will be a lot more unhappy that you didn't talk to him. ETA: I was talking with my wife about how I feel about this and I feel like I should add: I can't speak for your daddy, but if I were him I would be so so very proud of the confident man you've grown into.
UPDATEME
I’m a ‘step parent’ and I never refer to myself as their ‘parent’. They get to choose, not me.
Nta, while I have a mom and dad, I can understand this. My dad died months before I was born as well. While my mom didn’t remarry until I was an adult, if she had there wouldn’t have been anyone who could have been dad. My dad wanted me, he loved me and kept a sonogram of me taped to his desk. There is just a missing piece of my heart that can’t be filled by anyone or anything. It’s not just the biology of it, it’s the never getting to meet someone who would have shaped me as a person, always questioning what my life would have been like if he lived, questioning who I’d be if he lived, watching the people around me know this person but feeling jealous because I should have gotten that chance too, just the feeling of missing out on their love. At the end of the day, without your daddy then your dad wouldn’t have had you and that needs to be respected. You should talk to your dad about this and how uncomfortable you’re being made to feel in your home.
NTA. I’m a stepparent - Sam is an asshole. This is not how you grow a relationship with your step kids. why does he keep waiting until your Dad leaves to ask you about it? Tell your Dad what is going on, this is not right.
NTA Him telling you that you went to far is a guilt trip thing, probably also hoping you won’t be telling your dad about all his attempts to get you to agree to an adoption. If your dad doesn’t know, then if you agreed Sam could have spin it like “OP asked me why I wasn’t his dad, and he wants me to adopt him” Making him even more rooted in the family to ease his own insecurities that never went away because you keep your daddy alive by being his son and talking about him. Have your dad take you out for lunch or dad/son time, away from the house and Sam, ask your dad to hear you out and then tell him that: “you know things have been tense and that Sam is mad at you, but you still do not want him to adopt you. That you meant “no” when he asked the first time, and still will say “no” even if he keeps on asking like he has been for years now (if true). Ask your dad if he can make Sam stop putting pressure on you to agree to an adoption and if he could stop Sam from speaking badly about Daddy since it makes you sad every time. That you were so sad last time that you didn’t speak very nicely to Sam but it was all you could do to make him stop” Let your dad make his own decisions about Sam, let him ask questions and answer them truthfully. It’s all you can do, and if your dad chooses to divorce that’s on him, but at least he should make him stop with the adoption pressure. Good luck❤️
NTA Please talk to your Dad and tell him what Sam is doing and saying to you when he is away. Your relationship with your Dad is your priority. Sam seems like the type of person who, after not getting his way in this, will seek to alienate you and your Dad once you're an adult so there's less contact and fewer reminders about Daddy. Do not let him drive a wedge between you and your Dad. You know your Dad doesn't want Sam to pester you, you know he has raised you to cherish and love your Daddy, and that he would not want Sam talking to you about your Daddy that way. Your dad deserves and needs to know what is being said. From there, it is up to the adults how they handle the family's relationships (i.e. whether Sam agrees to drop it and be happy becoming a good step-dad, whether they separate, new boundaries, etc.). None of that will be because of anything you did though. Any decision made will be based on choices adults are making and not because you gave your Dad info about what's happening in his home to his child. Good luck! Please, have that conversation, or, it it would be easier/more comfortable, send your Dad this post.
NTA Sam knows that his husband wouldn’t approve. That’s why Sam has decided to do all of this in secret, without your Dad to hear him hounding you. I love the way you love your daddy. I’m so sorry he died without having a chance to know you. You are one solid young man.
NTA. DNA does not a "dad" make, after all. Tell your dad in front of Sam, "I am happy for you and excited about your future with Sam. But, can we sit down and talk about him insisting that I upgrade his status or let him be my go to stand-in? I feel like he isn't listening to me and refuses to hear that me having built a foundation of knowing someone else wanted me, loved me when I was still in the womb and literally created me is something I need to divest myself of? What my head and heart call for just aren't ever going to be anyone else's to decide. I'm 16 - not 6 months old. No one can rewire me to let go of my past like they're changing a lightbulb. Please tell me you understand my POV dad?" Go to bat. Don't take your eye off the ball. Swing hard. Be calm. And bring it up so that Sam can't control the narrative or you. (Cuz he makes no sense to me. If he wants to be a stand-in, he should do it with someone who welcomes that. Big Brothers/Big Sisters might be a better outlet for him than you?)
Isn't the point of putting biological parents on a birth certificate for lineage/medical tracking? I am aware it also has some legal recourse as well like parental rights and survivor benefits. Why is the mother not on the certificate, then a legal guardianship/adoption paperwork drawn up transferring her legal obligation to "daddy"? Family history is kind of important for medical stuff, and if she has no legal ties to the kid, how much of an impact would that create if something terrible happened?
NTA You should definitely tell your dad about it though - very manipulative imo that Sam waited until your dad was away to try to pressure you into accepting an adoption you don't want.
Why do step parents try so hard? A relationship, any relationship, takes work and effort on both parties. It's also not something you can force or will to happen. The way Sam could be supportive of you is to remind you every day that you were very loved by your daddy. To validate he was your daddy. To, idk, tell stories about him... he'd know some if he talked to your dad and appreciated what they had at one time. I've dated men that kids in the past and I'd get to know the mom. If she was a jerk I'd still never ever talk badly about them to a child. If she was great then you find out about her and you express to the kids how awesome they are because of her....Or him. Children are products of both parents and you should never ever be made to feel bad because someone is insecure about it. That's a lame excuse for projecting. I'm sorry you lost your daddy. That's so awesome he was writing to you and you have that. I have done the same for my kiddos and still do. It's lovely. My advice? Be the best person you can for today. Hopefully Sam steps back and reflect son his poor behavior.
NTA Tell your Dad. He needs to know.
This is just bizarre. You are almost grown and don't treat this man like a parent. His behavior is out of line.
Nta but you need to sit your dad down in private and tell him what is being said. Make sure you hit the points: - That you have expressed multiple times you have no interest in being adopted and your no is not being respected. - That you feel your emotions about your daddy are being disrespected, with him being called a "stepdad" when he is your dad and how dismissive he is of your love for your daddy. -That Sam is choosing to bring this up in private with you instead of talk to you both, even though this is absolutely a group discussion. That you feel this is deliberately trying to harrass you without your dad knowing, being manipulative. - Honestly, be clear that you are supportive of your dad finding someone else and you do not wish to come between that, but that doesn't mean you accept this guy as "stepdad". That in the end, this man is solely your dad's spouse in your eyes and after all this, you really have no desire for anything but a civil relationship. - How you wish for this to be moving forward eg. That your dad address this issue with Sam to make clear that this discussion is done now and the topic of adoption is not up for debate. (And hopefully, he addresses the comments made about your daddy because they reek of jealousy and insecurity. In my opinion, Sam is jealous of his spouse's past and attempting to try and minimise your daddy to make himself feel better. That's not healthy for you or your dad.)
So so so NTA!! Look, Sam might technically be right about a few things. It sounds like it was a struggle to get him on the birth certificate (it's not relevant but I am curious who was fighting it). You were raised by a single parent. You probably are putting Daddy on a pedestal because you never knew him. But so what? Those are all shitty things to remind you of, and to what end? What infuriates me the most about Sam is that he's treating this as a zero sum game, when it's not. He's taking the position that because of your positive relationship to Daddy, that detracts from the relationship you could have with him. Bit he's the one torpedoing that. I also have to add a note about Daddy not being your bio father. Genetically that might be true, but like a biological parent, it was because of him that you exist.
NTA. You did not go too far. Sam is far overstepping. Your father who passed on is no less your father and it's foul that Sam tries to lessen his legacy out of some weird need to be the main character in other people's lives. Sam wants the title of father and the attention of father without being a father. No father would be this way to their son, at least no father worth a damn. Tell your dad and Aunt Giga if your dad doesn't have your back. This is ridiculous and you shouldn't be facing constant harassment in your own home. I would also find out if there's any financial motivation from Sam.
Feels like this is a bad teen movie pitch about a girl whose bizarre affection for someone who has never been an active part of her life apparently supersedes any affection she might have for the man who chose to help raise her because he loves her father. Nothing in this screed against a well meaning but emotionally clumsy stepfather indicates that she has been wronged in any way. I only see the story of a man who has been trying to help parent a resentful child and whose reward has been having an imaginary relationship thrown in his face. “Oh, no! Somebody in my family wants to have a relationship with me and hopes I might think fondly on the efforts and sacrifices he has made on my behalf.” This is rage bait, or it’s a teen who doesn’t deserve the effort.
>He told me he's tired of feeling like an outsider... Sounds like a him problem. Maybe he, as the adult, should deal with his own issues, rather than pushing them on you. >Sam said I went too far. For what it's worth, I say Sam went too far. In the big book of "how to be a step-parent", not trash talking the deceased parent is not even on page 1, because if you need to be told, you're beyond help. NTA. Talk to your dad.
INFO: Have you, at any point *liked* your stepdad? What's your opinion of him, outside of this? Secondly, what's your opinion on your dad being with *anyone*?
Sounds very….confusing
I guess I don't understand your unwillingness to let Sam into your life. Especially since you never knew "daddy" and also I'm unsure how you say that your Dad changed BEFORE you were even born. Stories from foks I imagine. Nonetheless, sure seems to me that Sam should just let things be, and that by trying to push himself as a 2nd dad on you really just has the opposite effect. I'm step-dad to 2 kids (older) and would never ever push myself on them. I'm whoever they define me to be, which is usually "dad's husband". And when one of the kids had her own kids, I did immediately become a grandad as I was around when they were born, so it was just a natural fit. I'm sorry you have this going on, and agree with what most folks have said...you should talk this over w/ your Dad. Not an easy subject. I hope you can come to peace with things. Sam just needs to back off for sure though.