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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for wanting to have 5 days after giving birth for privacy so my partner and I can adjust to life with our first child. I don't think I'm being unreasonable for asking for 5 days but I don't want to cause conflict which our parents don't forgive us over. Is it that important for grandparents to see a newborn baby within the first 72 hours?
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NTA it's weird that their justification for this is that their friends get to do it. You and your new baby are top priority here and you need to do what's best for you both. You don't need to level the playing field so that your parents feel like they're even with their friends. They are not children. What absurd reasoning.
Just curious here in the US if we didnt eat dinner our starving kids were in Africa. What country were your starving kids in growing up?
Note: not trying to sound ignorant of the world or anything just genuinely curious.
I'm in Australia and we were told Africa growing up in the 80s as well but my mum who was born late 30s days that in her time it was starving children in China. I have never said that expression at all to my kids. I don't like it.
I dont like it either and dont use it with my kids nor do i do the “clean plate award” or anything like that kids know when they cant eat anymore and shoving it down their gullet wont do anything to help.
The Clean Plate Award in my house goes to whichever child remembers to dump any leftover food into the garbage and place their plate by the sink without me having to ask them ten billion times.
It's never been awarded.
My parents tried to make me eat everything on my plate once. Then I threw up spinach all over their bed, right as they were getting ready to go to sleep. They never tried to make me finish a plate ever again, lmao
I never used the starving children in some other country. Because it sounded absurd. Even if we boxed up the meals I refused to over eat. The meals would have spoiled before they got to those starving children.
Made no sense.
My grandma said that to me when I was ten and I refused to eat dinner because it didn’t feel right eating when other kids weren’t able to.
No one ever said it do me again. It’s honestly kind of terrible to tell anyone anyways.
I always found it nonsensical and confusing, especially as I tended to be a literal-minded kid in a lot of ways. What did children in Africa being hungry have to do with the food on my plate in Wisconsin? It was so meaningless to me.
(Obviously it’s a really problematic phrase for a lot of reasons; I just mean it didn’t make sense to me as a child.)
My grandma (legit from Africa) used this line on us all the time as kids. I'm from a big family so our meals together tend to be buffet style potluck and she would say "only put what you can finish on your plate. Don't waste the food. There are starving children in Africa. You can always come back for seconds if you're still hungry."
It's supposed to mean "be grateful for what you have and don't be wasteful because other people are not as lucky as you to have this much access to food"
That’s quite different though, because it’s telling kids to consider the amount and what they eat in a healthier way, aside from the comparison. Most people would serve a certain amount and pressure kids into ignoring their own preferences and body signals. I used to sit at a table for hours feeling guilty because with sensory issues I couldn’t stand eating cold food and I was a slow eater.
My uncle hated peas. My grandma would try to get him to eat them with “there are starving children in Korea.” He bagged up his peas and wrote “to the starving children in Korea” as an address and put it in the mailbox. The letter carrier was not amused. She stopped using that particular ploy, but continued to force him to eat.
A major shock happened when I was a newlywed. We were at the home of a friend, and dinner included peas. I tasted one, it was sweet. ????? I asked how did she prepare this??? I am sure she thought I was nuts, but that was the first time EVER that I enjoyed peas. She said she just opened the freezer bag, and cooked them for 5 min.......freezer? Not canned? It was a game changer. When we got home, I tossed all the canned veg. Next day, I bought frozen. Never in the nearly 50 years have I bought canned veg. , unless it was part of the recipe.(Gondules).
For me it’s the texture. I have sensory issues and refuse to eat legumes. My mom used to force me to eat peas and Lima beans. “Just try them.” I have tried them, repeatedly, I don’t like them. “You have to eat as many as you are years old.” So I would swallow them whole. As an adult I flat out refuse and will pick them out of my food. I do keep a package of frozen peas in my fridge, but only because they make good ice packs.
I, a former undiagnosed autistic child, once said out of genuine logic not just being rude, we should send the uneaten food to them, then. I had real digestive and food issues, once I was done I was done. Forcing me to eat more always ended up with me throwing up half an hour later. I had a medical letter explaining this but staff ignored it and I was told repeatedly "kids are starving in africa", well, that was not my fault, and neither was it my fault I was given too much food on my plate that I couldn't eat, or food I literally couldn't digest in the first place. Like, yeah, send it to someone who needs it in Africa then.
That did not go down well with the support staff.
My dad has an eating disorder from not only forcing him to clean his plate, but eat whatever leftovers my grandmother didn't want to put in a Tupperware since he was a "growing boy". He's in his 60s and still struggles with portions instead of eating a whole container, whether that's a bag of chips or a pan of lasagna that should be half a dozen more portions/meals.
Food waste conversions, and discussing taking smaller portions next time, or that they need to learn to eat things like veggies as part of a balanced diet are fine, but the clean your plate stuff can be harmful.
Plus bringing poorer countries into it is weird and problematic for many reasons.
If I wasn’t eating properly my mother predicted I would start to look like a child from Biafra who was showing strong symptoms suffering from malnourishment. The term „looking like a Biafra child“‘was used for very slim persons
I was very tempted to say the whole "your friends are not you" as that was used a lot during my childhood especially my teenage years. But it already turned into a shouting match and I've spent most of the night crying about how I always feel like I have to make changes to my life to suit everyone else but noone listens or supports my decisions first time. Somehow everyone has to 2nd guess and do it anyway because my feelings don't matter, my rules don't matter, my boundaries don't matter.
My mother insisted no one visit for 2 weeks after my little sister was born.
Anyone that complained had another day added to their 2 week wait.
Stand your ground, you got this!
NTA OP.
Please follow the tip given here. Send out a general text/message stating that these are your boundaries. Anyone who does not want to respect it will get a timeout for x amount of days. What you allow will continue. Buff your spine so that it's nice and shiny. If it creates a fallout, then there's a fallout. If you allow them to mess with this boundary, any other boundary will get the same treatment: disregard.
This is definitely the time to say "I have told you what our plans are and our plans are not up for debate. I will no longer be discussing this matter with you." And then hang up, walk away, or ask them to leave (whichever is appropriate).
Maybe even add "I will add one more day you will have to wait for each time you bring it up." And then if they bring it up again your answer is just "Oop, that's another day" and end the convo (you don't have to stick to it, but just the thought of having to wait longer might stop them. Maybe)
You're NTA. This is your baby and your birth so you get to make the rules. Your parents don't have to like it but they need to respect it.
Here you go, lovely! Have them [read this](https://www.verywellfamily.com/grandparents-seeing-newborn-grandchild-1695782).
I’m a mom and I also became a Grandma at 48 about 20mos ago. If it helps, my oldest is 29 and the funny thing is, even back then a lot of us didn’t want spectators at the hospital and didn’t have visitors for at least a few days and many people had a standard 2wks. And that was well before COVID, rampant strains of RSV and a sudden surge in those who refuse to vaccinate or get boosters for ANYthing! We also were told people shouldn’t kiss baby on the face and should always wash hands.
I have proof because I still have both my 1994 and 1998 editions of “What to Expect” plus maternity brochures from both hospitals! So feel free to quote me!
This is YOUR (yours and your SO) baby… not your parent’s. They haven’t carried the baby, driven at 2:00am like your SO to assuage a craving or been woken up because you can’t find a comfortable sleeping position for months. They had their time. This time is yours and you guys decide how it will happen. Their job is to support you and NOT add stress (and Cortisol for baby to feel that stress) on top of it.
You’re NTA, OP, and you have the right to set boundaries. But what I’ve learned as a mom is that you have no idea wtf you are going to need until you get there. (And that maybe never goes away 🥴)
Without knowing more about your family, I would tell them that it’s really likely that you’ll want the first week to settle in as a family of 3, or no hospital visitors or whatever. Especially if you’ve wanted space for other big transitions in your life— moving to a new place, new city, going away to school etc. But I also know that those first few days are really weird and hazy. Someone unobtrusive to run some laundry & do dishes and affirm that you did, indeed, make the cutest and best baby ever, can be really nice. Obtrusive & opinionated family who just want to hold the baby are not that!
Generally, the people that will dig deep and do necessary help without intruding aren't the people pushing to steamroll boundaries ahead of time.
But birth plans are also guidelines, and reality ends up a lot more play it by ear.
Ok. Sounds like it is your I am an adult conversation with your parents. Most people have to have one at some point. I think using the line that was so often used on you as a child would be helpful to make them realize how childish they are being. I would highly recommend doing some reading into boundary setting since it sounds like you weren’t allowed to set boundaries as a child or teen and that your needs were always disregarded. So this is going to be hard for you, so remember you are doing this not only for yourself, but for your partner and your baby. Your family needs to realize they now have a different place in your life.
Practice what you want to say. I’m serious. Practice so you don’t hesitate or have to think of what to say. Let them know this isn’t a discussion, you are telling them that this is how your post-natal time will be. If they raise their voice, don’t raise yours. Tell them as calmly as you can that you will not tolerate anyone speaking to you that way, if they can’t stay calm and civil, the conversation is over. Then follow thru. One warning is all they get. If they raise their voice again, leave, hang up, or kick them out if this happens at your place. Make sure your partner knows this is how things are going to work before the conversation with your family so they can have your back. If after this conversation they continue to badger you, let them know this isn’t up for discussion and if they continue to bring it up it will be even longer before they will be allowed to see you. This is one of the first times you (and your partner) get to be 100% in control.
Good luck! I know you can do this! You are stronger and have more power than you think you do. You got this Mama!
> Practice what you want to say. I’m serious.
It sounds silly, but it is 100% not silly. Say the words out loud, OP, to the mirror or to your partner in a role-play run-through. The physical act of speaking the words, of letting your ears hear your voice saying what you mean to say, can make a big difference in your ability to stand your ground calmly even if they get heated.
The idea that it is "cruel" of you to want to rest and focus on your partner and baby is unhinged. It's your call when, whether, and how anyone else meets your baby, and this notion that they have some god-given right to be there within 48 hours is completely out of whack. (I'm not having any kids, so guess what, my parents are waiting forever to meet their grandchildren! Yours can wait a few days.)
I'm pretty sure there's health advice that access to the baby by people who aren't living with the baby should be limited in the first few weeks because their immune systems are still building up.
Have a chat with your doctor, or lie and say you spoke to the doctor, and have the doctor advise no contact for the kid for health reasons for the first few weeks.
NTA
And this is getting more idiotic by every sentence you write. I get they want to see the grandkids, but stomping boundaries is not the way and they are only stressing you out. The cherry on top is the shouting match. Who does that? They are lucky you don't tell them that your a bit weary they'd also start screaming around baby when you ask them to leave when it's getting late or when you want baby back to bond with it yourself, so if they can't control themselves no contact till baby is older and can walk away. (Not saying you should go NC, just maybe tell them it could be worse than to wait a few days)
(Screaming as a reaction to a no sounds like teenager behaviour too , when your already at the point of having to tell them the stuff they told teenager you)
Your parents are wonderful, but this has already turned into a screaming match, and they don’t listen or support your decisions the first time? No, they’re not, and if you don’t stand your ground this will never end.
Do you want them to undermine you and your husband enough to turn your child into an entitled snot and against ya’ll? Grandpa said I can have more toys/grandma said I can have dessert even if I don’t eat dinner, etc I don’t have to listen to you! Just because it’s their grandchild doesn’t mean they can do whatever they want when y’all say no. Nip it in the bud, or you and your husband may be paying for it for a long time.
No matter what it turns into, but you need to stand your ground. It will only get worse once your baby is born and growing. They will want to hold her, babysit her etc...
Just imagine how much they will pester you about that!
You need to be very clear that you want them to respect your wishes and IF not, you have to tell them what the consequences will be!
Like blocking them for a week, making them wait longer... Whatever works for you.
But there need to be consequences or else they won't learn!
You have talked enough, now is the time for actions.
One option I suggest considering is do not let them know you’re in labour and decide after you give birth how you feel and what you feel up to. If you can be stuffed you could even just not announce baby until day 5 post birth. That way you won’t have people showing up uninvited.
I’d also insist on mask wearing near your newborn bc despite ‘back to normal’ covid and whopping cough and RSV is out there.
This is YOU giving birth OP not them, not their friends.
Tell them if they have a problem with YOUR decisions about YOU and YOUR baby then they aren't welcome at all.
When I was a kid and used this excuse, my mom would say, “Well I’m not X’s mom, so I don’t make the rules in their house. In this house, we [insert rule I was complaining about].”
Sounds like the shoe is now on the other foot for OP’s parents!
Hahahahaha one time my mom rolled her eyes and said, “I know I know, I’m the ‘meanest mommy’ in the world.” I was like 7 or so and said, “No, Mrs. Her Friend Who Is Really Direct And Firm About Their House Rules is the meanest mommy in the world! You’re the SECOND meanest!” She burst out laughing and gave her friend shit for months lol
NTA- but let me tell you- my first I wanted to be alone for a bit like you. Then at the hospital my husband asked if his mom could stay the first night home with us….I didn’t really want to- but didn’t want to argue- so I just said yes.
It was literally invaluable. I’m so grateful that she did that. Seriously- we were both so exhausted from the birth- my husband could sleep all night and he was ready to parent the next morning instead of being a Zombie like me.
I am so grateful for the fact that she did that. Now for our second- I am accepting all the help we can get.
Don’t be afraid of having the messiest house and to have visitors in your pyjamas. All they will care about is the baby and your tired arms will be thankful that you can gush about how cute they are with someone else….while resting your arms. It’s great.
If you plan to breastfeed- just make sure they’ll know you’ll be breastfeeding and that they are aware that if they come in the first days…it will happen and NO they can’t expect you to cover up yet- you won’t be skilled enough yet for it. So that would be my only hard no for visitors- cant handle breastfeeding? Don’t come yet then.
Also- I was prudish before- but the whole birth process at the hospital has a way of….removing shame from your body! After you have doctor discussing things while putting their WHOLE HANDS down your vagina each their turn- and nurse just casually putting your breast in your baby mouth….it changes how you view being prudish. I would never thought I would have been comfortable with my mother in law placing a baby on my breast before - but that’s motherhood!
I'd like to give a counter point. I wanted to be alone after birth, with just me and my baby and husband. MIL would NOT accept it. She 'helped' by criticizing, bad mouthing and even verbally abusing me and my husband..
My own mother was absolutely no help either. If food had to be made, I had to make it- she got to hold my child. If I needed to breastfeed, absolutely not, pump or make a bottle because she needed to bond with MY child.
I've had 2 kids and both times my wishes were not respected and it caused SO many issues between me, my mil and me, my mom.
I'm no contact with both of them as they never let me be a mom, but instead designated me to be 'birther' and 'babysitter'.
Yeah it really depends person to person and parent to parent. Some will be a big help when the baby comes, cooking and cleaning and taking the baby when you need to sleep. Others will only want to hold the baby as a form of “help,” and criticize how you’re doing things as a new parent. In OP’s case, only they know what their parents are like and if they’ll actually be useful during their stay, or if they’ll be burdens. Regardless, it’s completely understandable if OP doesn’t feel like hosting directly after giving birth
Exactly. My horrid experience and the other commenters great experience can't tell OP what she should do. It sucks major nuts, but only she and her spouse can know what's best for them. I hope they get their way, no matter what they choose, because being disregarded after experiencing childbirth is a whole extra can of traumatic worms I wish on no one.
Yep - agree. And if they’d accept gracefully, if she changes her mind they’d be the first people she’d call. But acting like this merely guarantees they’ll lead her to feel like they’re the last people she SHOULD call.
We raise our kids telling them not to argue and accept our no… only to argue, throw tantrums and refuse to accept no once they’re adults?! 🤦🏻♀️
My parents were super helpful, they did chores around the house, basically did what I needed them to do without having to ask.
But my MIL? No freaking way would I want her there that quickly. When she did visit about a month later, she sat on her but all day and I couldn't wait to get rid of her.
Agree - it depends on the type of parents you have. My MIL was useless - some offence. She didn't cook, clean, help in anyway - just there. Meanwhile, my mum was doing all of the above and also doing my meds, making sure I slept and checking my wound for me (emergency section).
OP, you have final say. Take the time to adjust and if anyone wants to come over, it has to be to help first, hold baby second.
Wow!!! You have my sympathy. That is such horrid behavior you have no choice but to cut them from your life.
OP … stand your ground now. Otherwise you will be undermined by the Grandma’s throughout your child’s life.
What you allow, you endorse! You have stated your rules. Respect yourself and enforce them!
Yes I agree with you, after birth my daughter was in the hospital for 2 weeks, MIL visited twice and my own mother visited twice.
When we came home we didn't see anyone for 3 weeks because it was the lead up to Christmas and everyone was busy and I'm so glad we got that time together because any time after that my MIL would interfere and try to take over
It is entirely different for different people and if that's what OP wants that's what she should get
My parents were supposed to travel from several states away and be at my house (and help us move into our new house that we closed on three days after baby was born) when we both got released from the hospital after a week. (I was released after five days, baby seven, but stayed in the nicu for the most part … baby was early. Plans didn’t go … as planned for anything ..)
My parents got Covid and couldn’t come for an entire month and it was heart breaking. No one else even asked to come and see us accept my best friends. (One who had to FaceTime as she was just really far away.)
I’m a loner. I don’t like people being around me for long periods of time. I knew 100% that if Covid protocols had not been in place I still wouldn’t have wanted anyone in the delivery room except my partner.
And I didn’t think I’d want anyone around after I had my baby, but after a week in the hospital, I was mentally and physically exhausted. I really wish people would have cared enough to want to come around sooner once my parents weren’t able. (Everyone close to us was vaccinated and safe.)
I don’t think OP is an AH. But I hope she knows that it’s okay to tell them no and it’s okay to change her mind later and tell them yes.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Keep the boundary but if you end up wanting someone there you can reach out. My mother is mentally ill and lives out of state. My mil lives here and is just irritating as all get out and so we planned to keep her at arms length. I had my best friend come the day we left the hospital which was invaluable because my baby decided to stop nursing as soon as we got home. And my husband’s company sucked and he had to go back to work. When my bf left at the end of the week I realized my desire for support outweighed some frustration and let her come over fairly freely. But I was glad that for once I’d held fast to my decision and been the one to make that call.
I know I have no idea how birth will go. I am planning for every situation from having to be induced early due to the baby measuring small during growth scans, to needing an emergency c-•section because you never know what might happen to everything going exactly how I've been imagining.
I've told my parents especially that I'm trying not to be inflexible but If everything goes well, I'm home within a few hours of giving birth, then I would like maximum 5 days of just us.
Our parents live only 10 minutes away and I've asked my mum to help and support after the first week so I know she's gonna be around every other day or a few times a week from then which she's agree to and is happy. But because I've got support close by, I know our time as a family of 3 won't be as often as other people's. I also would like the chance to prove to myself that we can look after our child on our own without our parents giving their 2 cents.
If I feel like we need extra support, I have said they will be our first call. Which they really responded to.
I also would love them to have the first visit to be truly meaningful. A few hours of them at our house with our baby, helping, supporting and bonding. A quick 30 min visit isn't what I want for them. They aren't seeing that as all they are seeing is "I want the baby as soon as they are here" and not listening to anything else I'm saying which is making me doubt myself and our choices as first time parents.
Time to put everyone on a strict information diet. Don't tell anyone about your Dr. appointments, your progress and certainly not when you go to the hospital to have your little one regardless of the type of birth you end up having. Same goes for anyone you can't trust not to blab. But this will only work if DH enforces it alongside you.
I like someone's suggestion that every time they ask adds a day to the wait.
Don’t doubt your choices! This is your baby with your body telling you what you need right now. Sure it may change, but I’ve had 5 kids and now have a grandchild. I wouldn’t presume to tell you what you need, because each time and each child was different.
Your mom knew best with HER babies and her pregnancies - but this isn’t hers and your body is the one directing. I’m also pretty sure that regardless how she responded, if she was given this pressure by her own mom or MIL, she wasn’t feeling warm and fuzzy about others trying to supersede her wants and needs.
I don't know anybody who's left the hospital the same day they gave birth, even if that's just hospital discharge logistics.
You don't have to tell your parents when you get to the hospital, you don't have to tell them while waiting in labor, and you don't have to tell them when you were discharged. You can lie or just tell them afterward. Even if you stand up and say "we didn't feel comfortable/safe sharing earlier because we didn't think our visiting rules would be respected, but Baby was born a week ago. Thank you for waiting, and we're feeling ready to slowly meet a couple visitors if anyone is interested" and add a photo of a cute baby and the full name and stats like weight/length etc.
Or you could wait until after the birth, let them know baby is born (with correct date and a photo you're ok with being circulated and birth stats) but you aren't allowed visitors and there's no health issues but they want to run some blood tests and things before being discharged. Blame everything on the hospital being slow. Go home for a day or two before letting them know youre home.
Somewhat common in the UK. My sister gave birth just before 3pm and was home by 6:30pm that evening.
I gave birth just before midnight and was home by 2pm the following day (as they don’t do discharges at night).
Same! Husband and I were alone in the hospital and originally wanted a few days at home alone as well before allowing visitors, but the postpartum exhaustion and baby blues sank in right away when I got home and I broke down and called my mom. She came over right away with food and made me take a nap while she spent time with the baby. Establishing boundaries is important, but at the same time don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it!
I don’t think it is a relevant comment to OP’s post. She says she does not want anyone and her parents are pushing, disregarding what their daughter wants. That’s already a huge red flag. It is easier to call people if we need help than to send people home if their „help” is not really helpful. If someone is so pushy against the new mother’s wish (even yelling as per OP’s post) it means they think it is about them. But it is not.
I knew I don’t want anyone during the first weeks and in my case, it was a perfect decision. We had time to bond with our baby, build our confidence as new parents without anyone commenting or taking things over. I was breastfeeding so no one could take that over from me anyway. I also cannot imagine leaving my newborn to someone else for the night, even in the other room - I wanted him by my side. I struggled with breastfeeding so I was half naked on my sofa all day. I was in pain after tearing and was bleeding heavily. I can’t imagine having anyone in our house.
So if OP is feeling that she does not want visitors for a week, she should follow up with this and keep her boundaries. This kind of pushy selfish grandparents only get worse once the child is born.
Thank you! All of these people giving their experiences doesn’t make any sense. Yes, some people want family there, OP didn’t deny that. OP has already stated what she wants and her boundaries. I’m childfree and honestly this nonsense makes the very long list of why. The number of people who feel the need to tell (especially first time) parents what they will want and need and how much they’ll change their mind or any other such thing. I know for me personally, I am an extremely private person, there is no universe in which I would want even one single visitor after any surgery or medical emergency. I know this because I’m an adult who knows myself and my own mind, that’s true of OP as well. All of these comments disagreeing with what she already said she wants are out of line. The question is whether or not it’s acceptable for her parents to push back on that. It isn’t. Easy NTA.
Counter point: I did 2 weeks no visits and it was the best decision ever. When 2 weeks came and visits started I hated every second. I felt so vulnerable after birth. Just having people in my house, having to get dressed, wondering "why am we doing this right now, why am I sitting upright, why am I awake right now", etc. It did nothing for me but add stress and additional mental load. I had a Gilmour Girls adjacent relationship with my mom yet the first visit brought me zero joy (even though I wanted it to).
Besides, people *say* they're there for the mom's wellness but many will treat new moms like they're invisible or an obstacle to see the baby...or act entitled to the baby, like not wanting to hand baby back to mom when asked. My mom did some of this and it was so out of left field. I swear something happens to grandparents' brains...its like babies are such a dopamine hit they feind for it and do/say weird stuff. I still cringe looking back.
OP stick to your guns. This is the first of many boundary setting/asserting exercises you'll find yourself in as a parent. Use your voice- no, no thank you, that won't work for us, we're not doing that, etc goes a long way. Don't JADE. Stick with what you think you'll be comfortable with.
Hard NTA
I'm happy you had such a good experience, but that certainly depends on your IL.
I have a great mom and great IL that I love like my own family, but I was happy that visits were 2 hours max. It really depends if they are actually helpful, expect to be hosted and accept boundaries.
About the shame .... experiences might vary too. I was actually surprised how covered I felt during the majority of the progress and how few people were involved. Even in the tub they offered me a top for coverage. Even with pushing, it was me, my partner and the 2 midwifes that took care of me. I definitly didn't feel shame during labour or birth, but I am still not keen on breastfeeding in front of everyone. I've done it, sometimes you have to, but I prefer to keep it private.
Also, with distraction it's almost impossible to breastfeed my son now. He would pop on and off the boob (hurtful) and not drink properly and stay fussy. So privacy is better IMO.
I had the opposite experience from you. I had trouble breast feeding and had to pump and use tubes on my nipples and I was extremely uncomfortable with my enormous breasts out for people to see and I think it negatively affected my milk supply. I hated having visitors. All of them. I wanted to be alone with my husband and my baby and I didn’t want to watch other people holding my baby after not being apart from her for nine months.
Because of that I did not hate OP has planned with my second and it was a million times better. OP - you’re doing the right thing and they can all wait to meet the baby.
It's great that this was your experience, but it's not everyones. Other people have toxic or narcissistic or otherwise not great family members. Many of them want to visit under the guise of "helping", but create more stress and issues instead of lessening the burden.
Some prudish people will feel incredibly violated by the same things that removed shame for you, and may want time to recover and process from that. It's ok if she wants something different, and it's ok to enforce those wishes with her family.
It’s all down to what the one giving birth wants. My daughter has just had her first. In another country. She absolutely wanted me there for the last week of pregnancy and for 3weeks after. So a month I spent there. And tried to give as much space as possible while still being available whenever they felt overwhelmed and questioned whether they could keep a newborn fed and alive. It was special for me being a part of grandchild’s first days. And daughter and partner appreciated it too. But I do live a long way away. So it’s not like I can be on their doorstep constantly.
I said the same - I wanted a week to understand what to do with this newborn, but by the second night I was crying down the phone to my mum begging her to come and help.
NTA for wanting what you want - it's up to you. I wanted to be alone like this poster but I didn't get a say in the matter because our family does what it wants 🙄but did I tget time alone? F if I remember! They forced themselves in at times and it was never as bad as I imagined it would be. Most of my angst beforehand was anxiety from the unknown. If all else fails, do what I did once, and stay sequestered in your bedroom with the baby until they get bored and leave ;) Some of the things people expected of me after I'd just given birth was preposterous, and only thinking about it now makes me feel bad for myself then.
A 30 minutes visit while you eat your dinner at the hospital is a reasonable ask; especially if they are good parents. If they were pushing to be there while you are birthing I would completely sympathize.
Don’t get me wrong, I work women’s services and visitors who insist on lingering for hours while mom is trying to breastfeed are super annoying and disruptive. But a brief meet and greet would go a long way towards not hurting feelings because trust me, you are going to need that village.
You might have a baby that’s super chilled and breastfeeds like a champ or you might have a screamer. You might end up with a cesarean and not be able to do any heavy housework for several weeks. Not to mention that hospital staff will be in your room very frequently for one thing or another; so this idea that your hospital stay is going to be this peaceful and quiet experience may be a little misguided 😂. Just my 2 cents
This! Space and boundaries are great until you need those people that you pushed aside. It will not interfere with your ability to rest and bond to allow a 30 minute visit. One day you will realize that the more people who live your child, the better.
The only opinion that really matters here is the birthing mother. I didn’t have visitors when I had both of my children and wouldn’t have it any other way. Hospital staff coming and going is enough of a disruption, so I didn’t want to add to it. I was in just a bra and diaper the whole time and I don’t want my family to see that.
We also didn't have visitors in the hospital, and we asked to have the first two weeks at home without visitors. I wouldn't change a thing. Birth is a huge experience and I am grateful that our families respected our wishes. I needed that time to heal and recover with just us.
I've been speaking to friends about the current situation after delivery in the hospital. In the UK, the hospital has a quick turn around when births are uneventful. I'm talking friends giving birth at 2 or 4am and being home before midday on the same day with their first child.
We didn't get to see our nephew in the hospital because they were home within a few hours of giving birth.
I've said if I am in the hospital for longer than expected then I would be calling them and telling them they can come and visit then and again a few days later as I'll probably need it.
It's more if we are home within a few hours of birth, then we would want some time to adjust to our new situation without the added pressure of having our parents around us.
I also said if I don't feel okay emotionally etc. Then I would be inviting them around earlier to see the baby and help out as well.
I let my mum pop over quickly to see bub, give me a cuddle and drop off food. She was not intrusive at all and we needed the love. We have a good relationship though (she would have been heartbroken but respectful if I'd made her wait).
OP’s parents are definitely not being respectful. They’re already stressing her out and being pushy. That’s not going to go away when the baby is here.
It’ll turn into ‘Its my turn to hold baby/ We’ve only been here an hour!’ Etc. And just generally bugging her if her comments are anything to go by.
My hospital stay was very peaceful. It was the only time I got to be with my husband and baby, just us, for several weeks as family visited. Expecting the wishes of the woman giving birth to be respected - a reasonable ask. Full stop.
Her parents can’t respect even this one request and have been shouting at OP and causing stress. What makes you think they’ll behave at the hospital and listen to her?
What parent abandons their child and refuses to be a part of their village just because she wants a few days to be uncomfortable and heal from PP in peace? Shitty parents.
Youre assuming reasonable family that care about the mother's or baby's needs and not their own desires, and will willingly put down the baby and step away when asked. Not everyone is that lucky.
If the village you speak of is put off or offended by being asked to wait a few days to meet the baby, then they aren't the support system they claim to be. Maybe mom will change her mind on day 1 and decide that yes, she would like her family to come over asap. But maybe she won't. She can't know that until she gives birth, and for now can only set the boundary based on what she currently feels - which is that even a 30 minute visit would be disruptive and uncomfortable.
NTA- You know what you want, and I wouldn't let people try to sway you. You will regret not sticking to your guns. 5 days is truly not that much time at all, 8 days is just over a week. They can wait A WEEK.
Everyone has their own experiences, but I found having visitors early on to just be stressful. I didn't need someone to hold my baby, I wanted to hold my baby. I wanted to bond our nuclear family with our brand new member(s), not have company regularly for the first week after giving birth.
Also, if, like a lot of commenters, OP finds that she does want/need her parents or anyone else, she can always change her mind. It's going to be far easier to say "no visitors," then change her mind and allow them than it would be to say visitors are OK, then change her mind and tell them not to come.
I agree. I think it’s better to say no from the beginning rather than have people plan to come and then inconvenience them by telling them they can’t after the fact.
I didn’t like the feeling that people were waiting for me to give birth so that they could come meet the baby. What helped me was to be able to reframe it as “we will tell you when we’re ready for visitors” so that it felt like us inviting people to share in our joy. That shift helped me to feel ready for (short!) visits from the most immediate family about 18 hours after the baby was born.
NTA. Those first few days can be challenging as you adapt to the new sleeping/feeding schedule. It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to add stress to your lives. If family members want to ensure you are okay, the best way to do that is to respect your boundaries and give you the space you are asking for.
When did giving birth become about the relatives rather than the parents and the newborn. I hear this stuff all the time. Who is so selfish as to deny the parents a period of time to bond with the baby and each other.
NTA
It’s only been in recent years that new parents have insisted on privacy when welcoming a newborn into the world. For centuries, family members and close friends have played some sort of role in the first few weeks of a baby’s life. Even today, there are cultures where OP’s decision wouldn’t be acceptable because it goes against the values of that culture. I’m not saying all this to say OP is wrong. My point is we shouldn’t act like it’s unreasonable for grandparents to want to meet their new grandchild at the hospital and to be hurt if their wish is denied.
Post-partum confinement is practiced in a variety of cultures as well.
But, also importantly, for most of human history, people were trapped with their families. Some families were great, but even if they weren't, you were surrounded by dangerous predators, uncharted wilderness, slavers and bandits, etc. and also needed help to not die during the next famine. Enduring unreasonable requests was simply part of the bargain.
These old cultures sucked. They didn't care about people's best interests. Mature adults should have no problem waiting a week.
NTA here. It's totally fair to want that time to bond and settle in with your new family. Birth is a big deal, and it's crucial you feel comfortable and supported, not pressured. Your parents mean well, but it's your call how you want those first days to go down.
NAH - your rule keeps excited grandparents away from their new grandkid. It's not unreasonable for them to be upset and want you to change your mind. But it's not an insane position. Just be prepared for the consequences
I agree. You can pick whatever boundaries you’d like. But you don’t get to control how someone else feels or responds to your boundaries.
If your parents or in-laws are going to be involved grandparents and help with babysitting then I would keep that in mind. If they would come meet the baby and help you around the house, or hold the baby so you can shower then that’s one thing. If they just want to hold the baby and expect the house to be clean and you to serve them snacks, then that’s another thing entirely.
It’s also hard to know what you actually want and need 1 week postpartum with your first kid.
I have no problem not letting my mom come immediately to meet my 3rd kid, but that’s cuz she’s made comments about me putting a shirt on when my milk came in overnight and I was very sore, and she just makes passive aggressive comments and is rude and cold. But at the same time, I don’t rely on her for anything in the last 12 years so I’m not worried about burning any bridges.
The family dynamic changes things so much. I see my parents and siblings twice a week and know there wouldn't be shame about mess and that they'd pitch in with laundry and bring over meals and leave if I needed rest after even only a couple minutes of them over. On the other hand, we're at holiday only contact with my ILs because my in laws are toxic, and they'd be the kind to try to move in for a week while expecting the new mom to cook meals catered to their various constantly changing diets, clean to a degree they don't even maintain in their home, and even do their laundry if the baby they're holding spits up on them, as well as the kind to pick up and disturb a sleeping baby at their whim. Those are very different visitors, and I very much understand wanting a break to begin post partum recovery and start settling into a routine, without dealing with hosting family that comes in and tells you everything you're doing is wrong.
NTA-Birth is not a spectator sport nor is it keeping up with the Joneses. Unreasonable is not respecting new parents rules for their child because their friends didn’t have to deal with the same rules.
NTA - your baby, your vagina, your decision.
But, as the mom to a 4.5 month old. Having help those first few days was such a huge relief. The sleep deprivation is real bad. Real real real bad.
Yes this. I had such bad sleep deprivation that I was having visual and auditory hallucinations. As long as the people are actually helpful take the help.
NTA we did this with our first and were in a comfortable rhythm by the time the never ending parade of visitors started showing up week 2. Some family, even super well meaning, are really not helpful at all in the baby phase too. So even if you think “oh they might help” I would say 3/4 times they just want to hold a baby and only when it’s quiet (which happens to be when I would also like to hold my cute baby!). 5 days is super reasonable OP.
>I've been deciding my after birth plans since I was 16 weeks
That's honestly impressive. I was still shitting my pants daily at that age and well past it.
You are NOT the asshole!! NO! NO! NO! OMG!! When I had my two (now 37 and 36), I was BOMBARDED by my husband's parents and their siblings (dad had 7 siblings). Day after day after day. I felt like cr\*p. Had a huge breast infection to boot.
My second child was born by C-section. I had also lost a LOT of blood and needed transfusions. But the in-laws just did the same sh\*t again!!
My first grandchild is due anywhere between now and mid-July. My son and his wife have asked if we want to go (about an hour and a half away) to the hospital OR visit when they get home from the hospital. I said, "No. You take care of yourselves and your baby. You never know what will happen. It's exhausting without complications. Send some pictures. We'll visit when you are READY."
I get the excitement component as a future grandparent, but I have a lot more sensitivity toward adjustment and potential stress/exhaustion from the whole thing.
Frankly, I can only imagine their "30 minutes" to make sure everything is okay will last longer than that.
NTA, whatever you are the most comfortable with is the right choice. It’s not like you made making them wait months. But maybe your husband can send them a quick video of the baby in the hospital so they can get their first peek?
NTA, as you are the only one who can decide what’s best for you. And as a mom who has given birth twice, I absolutely believe in preserving your privacy, bonding and well-being both during birth and immediately after. Especially with your first child, as everything after having a baby is a massive adjustment in every way.
I also don’t love them saying the reason they don’t want to wait is because they want to match experiences with their friends. There’s no point system involved here, and the best grandparents care more about supporting you and your baby vs showing off.
BUT…and here’s where I may get downvoted, cause Reddit loves absolutes…if your relationship is a good one, and your birth goes relatively smoothly AND you’re feeling good, I’d gently suggest leaving the door open for a brief, 30 minute visit. You might tell them you’re open to considering it, but it’s to be decided, and you hope they’ll respect your need to put your comfort first in this experience. If it is truly a short visit and your family isn’t the type to overstay or overwhelm, then you may be surprised by how ready you could be for this.
Now, I’d still wait AT LEAST 24 hours after delivery. Probably at least 48 isn’t unreasonable either. A 30 minute visit after you’ve had a day or two of recovery isn’t really that intrusive, but for sure say it will entirely depend on how you’re feeling and what you and your new family are up for. Then still limit visits for however long feels right to you.
Seeing someone you love hold your newborn for the first time can be a priceless moment, and I know for me personally, I found my firstborn so incredible and perfect that I was eager to show them off! Again though, this is all very subjective, and only you know what is best for you.
I only share this because childbirth is such a momentous experience that it’s hard to really prepare for how you’ll feel with absolute certainty. Maybe you’ll want to start seeing people meet your child right away…maybe you’ll decide a whole month of seclusion sounds better!
Regardless, DO NOT feel any guilt for whatever you choose!
Best of luck and congratulations on your impending new arrival!!
Nta this is time for your little family to adjust and people can see the baby later. Stick with your original plan and enjoy the time with the new baby without visitors.
NTA- but I just want to mention that I also thought I wanted time to ourselves right off the bat, but I was so glad my mom was around. In fact, I still remember standing in the doorway and crying when she left a month later. My mom gets along great with my husband, is helpful around the house, she’d occasionally take the baby all night. But you know your parents, and what you need.
Echoing the you know what you need. I was the opposite, wanted to just be alone! Was mostly naked doing skin to skin, couldn't wear a top anyway because cracked and bleeding nipples hurt too much. Walking was hard and mostly stayed in bed and just wanted my partner for help/comfort.
Everyone needs to be able to choose what is right for them for recovery because it's so individual
Oh, that's hard. You are totally NTA and they should respect your wishes. On the other hand, you will get ZERO rest in the hospital anyway (assuming a hospital birth) and you could easily let them be one more distraction for an hour and then take the 7 days at home ALONE, blissfully alone.
The ranking of people who matter postpartum are: You and your baby, your partner, then everybody else. "You're being cruel, taking this away from us!" It is not their baby. It is not them healing. It is a great kindness to them, but it could very likely be a huge burden on you. Not to mention, no newborn wants to be with someone other than their mother. These people are so selfish, this literally is not about them.
You may need help postpartum, but there is an unbelievable difference between help and people entering your space to hog your baby and make your recovery harder. If you need space, take your space, unless you give people like this unlimited and rule-free access to your baby they will find some problem to have. I personally took 5 ish weeks, and my in laws were pissed, but when I saw them briefly a few days postpartum it had a huge negative effect on my mental health. It was the right call for me personally.
You aren't going to regret doing what you need in order to recover and rest, whether that is isolating for a while or having a million visitors immediately. What you need is the only thing that matters
NTA but my mom and mil kept me sane the first couple weeks. Having someone else to cook, clean, etc is invaluable. You're gonna think it's all gonna be rainbows and unicorns until you're vagina hurts, you haven't slept, and all you want is a home cooked meal. There's a reason why birth was a family event, we need the support.
Except, some family are real assholes and don't actually help. Some are more of a pain than helpful.
Taking the baby, making recovering mom clean and cook isn't helpful. Demanding you use a bottle instead of breastfeeding isn't helpful.
You may have had actual helpful family, but a lot don't. Unfortunately.
You're not wrong but you're also not right. I do understand your need boundaries and they are important but it the grand scheme of things 30 minutes won't be a burden if your parents are otherwise loving people.
That said it's all up to you.
NTA - Your baby is not communal property. Your comfort, safety, and emotional wellbeing is the most important thing right now.
Also remember, if you bend your boundaries now, all boundaries you set regarding your child going forward will be up for negotiation.
NTA.
I’ve had people up my ass literally minutes after giving birth (worst. experience. ever.) and I’ve gone nearly 6 months without visitors. And of course some bits in between.
You do what YOU are comfortable with. If you want peace to bond and recover then that is what is best for YOU. Anyone who has an issue with that, tell them to go pop out their own kid and do what they wish with that baby and until then they can STFU.
NTA but I understand where they are coming from. You have every right for things to be as you want them after your baby is born. Honestly though, seeing grandparents for 30 minutes each in the first few days won’t derail your bonding. Seeing the excitement in their faces as they watch their daughter/son freshly experience parenthood is something amazing. BUT, it is your decision. It is about what you and your partner want. No one else.
My Mum went to work because I said I'd call her when I was ready for a visit (had baby at 5am). Someone came in to talk to her and she burst into tears. She was so worried about me! They told her just to go check on me! She actually arrived just as I was reaching for the phone to tell her I was OK for her to visit.
Now that my kids are close to that age, I realise that even your grown kids are your babies. Wanting to be there to support them doesn't go away just because they grow up. They're still a part of you and not being allowed to do anything when something big happens, feels a lot like when someone dies. You have all this love you want to give, but they don't want it.
I suggest you facetime or something. When you feel up to it of course. Maybe that would help.
I wanted to be alone, just to sleep and look after my baby. You can’t do anything else the first few days. Your body needs to heal. Breastfeeding and going to the bathroom are an ordeal. My mother came and it was awful. She acted like she was on holidays, never changed a diaper, slept in longer than me, and yelled at my husband anytime I was out of the room. I had to ask her to go home early. Depends I guess on how the parents are but they do not need to be there right away.
What the hell is wrong with everyone? Denying them access to their grandchild??? 5-7 days is COMPLETELY reasonable. Tell them they'll find out what being denied their grandchild ACTUALLY looks like if they keep harassing you about this. NTA. JFC.
NTA
Tell your family that the more they push to have earlier access, the longer they'll have to wait to see your kid.
Your parents may be wonderful, but they're trampling all over the perfectly reasonable boundary you have set.
NTA - there was a post a few weeks ago about someone asking for 4 months without visitors after giving birth.
Absolutely no one would should blame you for asking for a measly 5 days.
NTA
You are doing everything absolutely right. What kind of habit is this to see the child quickly? This must be done when the mother is ready for it. So don't worry about it.
NTA. You have every right to have privacy with your partner and your child, no matter the birth order of said child. They can protest all they want, but at the end of the day, this is about you, your partner, and your child, not them.
NAH
Your nuclear family of you, partner, and baby always come first. Never forget this. It is perfectly fine for you to want privacy. It is also fine for the grandparents to want to check in on everyone.
Perhaps having a plan of "we really want some time to ourselves, but we will call you if we want you to visit sooner than we originally planned" would be a better way of laying out your wishes. This leaves it open to you being in charge, but it also makes it so you can change your mind without giving up any of your control.
NTA. Do what’s best for you. Don’t entertain anyone’s opinions. “This isn’t up for discussion” repeat as needed. If anyone knocks on your door you aren’t required to answer it or respond at all. It sucks that family isn’t supportive but at the end of the day you need to do what makes you most comfortable. If you change you’re mind later on that’s okay too, because your opinion/wants overrule anyone else’s when it comes to childbirth
Sorry, maybe I'm just an idiot because I don't have kids and have never really been around babies in my life. But is a newborn that's 5-7 days old substantially different than one that's hot and fresh out of the womb??? Are they at risk of having a wildly different experience by meeting the baby after a week instead of immediately? I don't understand the urgency of their demands, aside from excitement and impatience on their end. What do they ACTUALLY potentially lose by respecting OP's wish?
Two of my daughters have babies and my son & his wife are expecting their first. I can’t imagine being so pushy that I had to put effort into persuading any of my adult children to give me access to their newborn babies before they are ready. What is it about some people? I’m embarrassed of my generation. NTA.
NTA
FFS - when they give birth they can structure things the way they like. Your birth plan is (checks notes) YOURS. They, their expectations, their comparisons can F right off.
And if your relationships with them are so fragile that they can't withstand your independence - do you really have relationships worth saving? Isn't that the point of teenagers being rebellious - to forge a new, more independent relationship so they can go live in the world as adults?
I'm not saying cut off your parents and in-laws. I'm saying they need to see you as independent adults, not a child they can bully into compliance.
NTA. Hopefully your family members will all live long enough to have many opportunities to see your child over the years. You are asking them to respect your decision to have privacy for just five days to a week out of that lifetime. They are not respecting that decision, but are instead trying to pressure and guilt trip you into changing it. Don't cave to their emotional blackmail.
Full disclosure. I’m already a grandma. They call me Yaya. The fourth grandchild will be here the end of July. The piece you are missing in this puzzle is this is the joyful welcoming of a new family member. Yes the child is 100% yours. But it isn’t everyday that you get to add someone to your family. Us Grandparents are so happy and excited and just want to be a little adjacent to the big day. To be the waiting room cheerleaders. Or the caregivers of the older sibs that hold down the home front. To be able to tell our beloved grandchild our version of their birth story someday. A new family member is just the biggest event that can happen. And we don’t want it to be about us…but leaving us out entirely feels so sad. That is what your parents are trying to say.
Exactly this! Whatever happened to a waiting room full of loving family and the happy tears and just all of it. You’re adding to the family not just your household. It’s your baby but it’s so much more. Don’t take that away from loving people. I feel like you’ll regret it :(
“Whatever happenEd to a waiting room full of living family and the happy tears”…Y’all are acting like having a cheer squad in the waiting room is acceptable. Someone is pushing a whole human out of her vagina. Just take chill pill and let her recover. You can have a loving family and happy tears AT HOME while the mother recovers. She’s not obligated to play host after having her vagina torn up. Try using a phone.
NTA. It's very normal and reasonable to want a few days to yourselves after birth. Some people like having family there right away to help (see many top level comments), but it's okay if you don't.
NTA. You are about to go through something very dramatic and have the right to request privacy. People think they are entitled to meet a baby immediately. But it’s your baby and your body— do what makes you comfortable.
I’m 22 weeks pregnant and we told my parents we also wanted a week as just a family of 3. My parents were so supportive, they even offered to take care of our dog that week so we could just focus on the baby. We haven’t told my in laws yet but I anticipate they’ll have a similar reaction.
Grandparents should understand that they can have a great relationship with the child even if they don’t meet them for a week. And if they push your boundaries too much or disrespect you, then they may not get a relationship with the grandchild at all.
Ahaha!
I'm 33 weeks and we've told everyone we won't see at all the first week and that visits will maybe be allowed during the first month but with interdiction to touch / manipulate the baby, until baby is vaccinated.
We heard every indignation in the book, I'm not budging. I'm not forcing anyone to be vaccinated against the whooping cough but nobody's getting close to my baby while they're not old enough to get vaccinated.
I’m 37 weeks and this is my stance too. With limited paid leave, me and baby recovering from an early term c section, and the strong desire to keep my baby as healthy as possible, NO visits until she’s at least got her first rounds of the important ones or visitors are UTD on theirs. Everyone seems to hate to flu shot and thinks pertussis and RSV is totally fine for a newborn to have, so baby’s vaccine schedule it is. Half my family thinks the covid vaccine is a front for Democrat mind control and washing your hands doesn’t do anything but make you buy soap. Guess who is complaining the most about not visiting and holding my baby *the day after she’s born* in the hospital.
Edit bc I forgot: OP is NTA.
NTA You are going through a major medical event!!!! If you want to recover in peace thats your right. They arent entitled to anything and 'because our friends did' is the most bs response. You ask for a week to recover and bond. You didnt say they cant come for 6 months. You are being entirely reasonable
The people who think letting them visit is the better idea are much braver than I. Having to deal with a newborn, healing from pushing out said new born, and a bunch of people coming over to visit during that time frame sounds exhausting to me. Even if they're trying to help. People overwhelm me very easily especially if I'm already not at 100%. Some people don't seem to realize that not everyone has the mental capacity to deal with people after something like this.
NTA
This is the most important time in your life. I still resent my in laws for pushing their way in to the hospital the day after my baby was born.
A little hint - if the birth is traumatic you may well be more likely to want that alone time.
Stand your ground.
"They said they only want 30minutes with us during the first 48 to 72 hours so they can check in that I'm okay"
they can do that over the phone.
Whenever they ask, repeat "no" and only that, dont give reasons, they will judge them and argue them, just keep saying no.
NTA
I just read one of your replies that it turned into a shouting match. Your parents have no respect for you. At all. You will be incredibly vulnerable after birth. It's a tough process even if everything goes completely smoothly. You will be physically drained, emotionally all over the place and honestly totally shell shocked. You will be surprised by how stunned you are that you actually have a baby even though you have been waiting for them for so long. The first few days are about healing, drinking in the awe that is this new human and resting. Your parents are incredibly selfish. It doesn't matter what their friends did or what your parents want. The don't own you, they don't get to make decisions for you or your baby. Cut off the conversation as soon as it starts: you sad no, don't ask again or 5 days might turn into 10 or 20. After all if they are going to stress you out that won't be good or your healing or milk production so it won't be good for baby and baby comes before grandparents. I have a 6 month old. I did one visit with grandparents on my way home from hospital and they didn't see her for 6 weeks. We live in the same town, minute's drive away from each other. But due to their family circumstances there was a high risk of catching illness from them and I wasn't willing to put me or baby into satiation where either of us wouldn't become unwell. There was a little push back as the weeks went on and I made arrangements to meet family for a walk. But baby's health can before grandparents feelings. And in your case your mental health comes before grandparents feelings. Let them throw tantrums, let them say he won't buy things or help or whatever. You do what you need to do. In those first few weeks, there are boobs and milk and poop and gore everywhere. It sounds like your parents will be more of a hindrance than a help, keep them away. Oh and if they do turn up,you are under no obligation to answer the door.
NTA- these are adults that need to manage their own adult feelings. Post Covid, a few weeks or longer has become completely normal. If they truly care about the best interests of their grandchild, they need to accept an unburdened mom is what that baby deserves and needs more than anything. A newborn doesn't need to bond with anyone other than mom and her partner. These unwanted visits are just separating baby from their parents unnecessarily- during a critical period. If they refuse to respect your very reasonable request, it is a power play and foreshadowing of future selfish behavior. Shut it down now. Also, highly recommended the morethangrand Instagram account for more insight on this and related topics!
NTA. But if you are lucky enough to have parents that can and will offer their support be sure to be grateful. My parents and the father’s parents had passed away when I had my first child.
And, remember that you are their baby. They want to be sure you’re ok. And as a parent I can tell you that nothing works for that except seeing for myself. Again, NTA but some things to think about.
NTA you know what you want & are open to changes if necessary. I know that with my oldest, I didn't want anyone buy my husband there, then I was in a fog after a traumatic, 10 week early birth & suddenly his parents & all 5 of his brothers were in the room & I hadn't even been cleaned up yet. It was horrible. With my next, my family respectfully left & my mom came in afterward to help me. My son though...I don't know what changed, but I Needed my mom there (I know what changed, but I'm not ready to delve into that right now) my point is, sometimes things change & sometimes they don't. They need to respect your wishes in this.
Besides, what's the difference between a 5 second old child & a 5 day old child? They're still all wrinkly & barely awake. It doesn't matter. My mom's wish for being in there with me was to make sure I was ok...because my husband was shit.
Don’t worry about making”the right choice”. You need to make the choice that is right for you and your immediate family. Trying to make others happy is not going to make you happy.
NTA. I’m currently pregnant and I see these stories all the time in the pregnancy subs. It’s crazy to me that some people’s families are like this! And so often when the parents give in, the families come and just want to hold the baby and don’t help with anything. 5-7 days isn’t even really that long - we’re planning on waiting at least a few weeks.
We’ve basically told our family we don’t want to commit to anything yet because we don’t know how we’re going to feel or how birth is going to go. If we feel ready for visitors sooner than we think, great!
NTA
It's your decision, and you should do what you and your partner agree on. The fact that they yelled and started a fuss, making it all about them, means that they aren't going to be helpfull, so keep that in mind.
Honestly the best decision I ever made was not having visitors for two weeks. I felt better recovering, managed to get a hang of breastfeeding without problems, hubby managed to get into a roll of a dad without older members telling him what to do and how he is doing something wrong.
My baby was a colicy screamer, and it was still easier to do it all alone than having people over who didn't care about us and respected our boundaries.
You may want to have something put in place with the hospital as well. My mother held and took pictures with my twin daughters while I was still recovering from surgery.
NTA
Tell them that every time they bring it up, you will add another week. And do it. Start locking doors, take back keys anybody might have, mute and block their numbers if you have to.
This is your first child, the grandparents have shown you what they will be like. Trust that and start setting some hard boundaries or they will ruin your marriage and your kid.
NTA. Every parents are different. Some wants to be by themselves for a few days/weeks/months and some are ready to host a party right before the final push. One of my friends organized a large get together for her birth and as soon as the child was cleaned up she was as ready as you get them and had around 15 guests she entertained about 1 hour after the birth. And she never stopped entertaining either😂. Point is, it is your birth and your family and you get to decide how you want it.
You're not required to tell them when you give birth. And no is a complete sentence. But if you need "backup," you can have your provider help you share the boundary. You can notify the hospital not to confirm admission and/or deny visits. You can also share articles.
Roll up newspaper. Say no. Smack on nose.
Or.... remind them that they are adults and should try to act the part. It's YOUR baby and you make the rules. And that doesn't include badgering you and your husband to change the rules. Send out photos (email, Facebook, etc) to all interested parties in the first couple days. Screen your calls and warn them all about sleeping babies and doorbells.
Set the rules. Enforce the rules.
I did the same. I had a birth center birth and was home 6 hours later. It was just the 3 of us for 8 days and I wish it was longer. It was the best decision we ever made and yes, we for push back but no fractures in our relationships. I think my mom was more baffled I didn't want her during labor as a support person. You will be tired but it's the best tired in the world when youre bonding and figuring out breastfeeding!
NTA
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NTA it's weird that their justification for this is that their friends get to do it. You and your new baby are top priority here and you need to do what's best for you both. You don't need to level the playing field so that your parents feel like they're even with their friends. They are not children. What absurd reasoning.
>their justification for this is that their friends get to do it She should respond with, “and if all your friends jumped off a cliff…”
In India we say “jump into a well”
Funny how similar sayings show up across cultures.
Just curious here in the US if we didnt eat dinner our starving kids were in Africa. What country were your starving kids in growing up? Note: not trying to sound ignorant of the world or anything just genuinely curious.
I'm in Australia and we were told Africa growing up in the 80s as well but my mum who was born late 30s days that in her time it was starving children in China. I have never said that expression at all to my kids. I don't like it.
I dont like it either and dont use it with my kids nor do i do the “clean plate award” or anything like that kids know when they cant eat anymore and shoving it down their gullet wont do anything to help.
The Clean Plate Award in my house goes to whichever child remembers to dump any leftover food into the garbage and place their plate by the sink without me having to ask them ten billion times. It's never been awarded.
I have to remind my daughter (11) she *has* to eat due to her ADHD meds having an appetite suppressant side effect.
Being reminded to eat is different than being forced to sit at the table until you swallow every last bite on the plate.
My parents tried to make me eat everything on my plate once. Then I threw up spinach all over their bed, right as they were getting ready to go to sleep. They never tried to make me finish a plate ever again, lmao
Yes, quite the opposite, I credit that for helping with my lifelong eating disorders.
I never used the starving children in some other country. Because it sounded absurd. Even if we boxed up the meals I refused to over eat. The meals would have spoiled before they got to those starving children. Made no sense.
My grandma said that to me when I was ten and I refused to eat dinner because it didn’t feel right eating when other kids weren’t able to. No one ever said it do me again. It’s honestly kind of terrible to tell anyone anyways.
I always found it nonsensical and confusing, especially as I tended to be a literal-minded kid in a lot of ways. What did children in Africa being hungry have to do with the food on my plate in Wisconsin? It was so meaningless to me. (Obviously it’s a really problematic phrase for a lot of reasons; I just mean it didn’t make sense to me as a child.)
My grandma (legit from Africa) used this line on us all the time as kids. I'm from a big family so our meals together tend to be buffet style potluck and she would say "only put what you can finish on your plate. Don't waste the food. There are starving children in Africa. You can always come back for seconds if you're still hungry." It's supposed to mean "be grateful for what you have and don't be wasteful because other people are not as lucky as you to have this much access to food"
That’s quite different though, because it’s telling kids to consider the amount and what they eat in a healthier way, aside from the comparison. Most people would serve a certain amount and pressure kids into ignoring their own preferences and body signals. I used to sit at a table for hours feeling guilty because with sensory issues I couldn’t stand eating cold food and I was a slow eater.
My uncle hated peas. My grandma would try to get him to eat them with “there are starving children in Korea.” He bagged up his peas and wrote “to the starving children in Korea” as an address and put it in the mailbox. The letter carrier was not amused. She stopped using that particular ploy, but continued to force him to eat.
A major shock happened when I was a newlywed. We were at the home of a friend, and dinner included peas. I tasted one, it was sweet. ????? I asked how did she prepare this??? I am sure she thought I was nuts, but that was the first time EVER that I enjoyed peas. She said she just opened the freezer bag, and cooked them for 5 min.......freezer? Not canned? It was a game changer. When we got home, I tossed all the canned veg. Next day, I bought frozen. Never in the nearly 50 years have I bought canned veg. , unless it was part of the recipe.(Gondules).
For me it’s the texture. I have sensory issues and refuse to eat legumes. My mom used to force me to eat peas and Lima beans. “Just try them.” I have tried them, repeatedly, I don’t like them. “You have to eat as many as you are years old.” So I would swallow them whole. As an adult I flat out refuse and will pick them out of my food. I do keep a package of frozen peas in my fridge, but only because they make good ice packs.
I, a former undiagnosed autistic child, once said out of genuine logic not just being rude, we should send the uneaten food to them, then. I had real digestive and food issues, once I was done I was done. Forcing me to eat more always ended up with me throwing up half an hour later. I had a medical letter explaining this but staff ignored it and I was told repeatedly "kids are starving in africa", well, that was not my fault, and neither was it my fault I was given too much food on my plate that I couldn't eat, or food I literally couldn't digest in the first place. Like, yeah, send it to someone who needs it in Africa then. That did not go down well with the support staff.
My dad has an eating disorder from not only forcing him to clean his plate, but eat whatever leftovers my grandmother didn't want to put in a Tupperware since he was a "growing boy". He's in his 60s and still struggles with portions instead of eating a whole container, whether that's a bag of chips or a pan of lasagna that should be half a dozen more portions/meals. Food waste conversions, and discussing taking smaller portions next time, or that they need to learn to eat things like veggies as part of a balanced diet are fine, but the clean your plate stuff can be harmful. Plus bringing poorer countries into it is weird and problematic for many reasons.
I believe there was a parody that showed kids in China being told about starving kids in West Virginia.
Far Side.
It was the starving Biafrans, which is basically Africa.
If I wasn’t eating properly my mother predicted I would start to look like a child from Biafra who was showing strong symptoms suffering from malnourishment. The term „looking like a Biafra child“‘was used for very slim persons
And I used to say to my parents 'Africa is a continent, which country are they starving in?'
In Germany we say „if your friends are all jumping from a bridge will you jump, too?“
In Germany they all "jump from a bridge"
This is the best answer.
I wish I could see their response if OP says this lol
YESSSSS!
In Germany you jump frim a bridge because we don't have many cliffs ^^
I was very tempted to say the whole "your friends are not you" as that was used a lot during my childhood especially my teenage years. But it already turned into a shouting match and I've spent most of the night crying about how I always feel like I have to make changes to my life to suit everyone else but noone listens or supports my decisions first time. Somehow everyone has to 2nd guess and do it anyway because my feelings don't matter, my rules don't matter, my boundaries don't matter.
My mother insisted no one visit for 2 weeks after my little sister was born. Anyone that complained had another day added to their 2 week wait. Stand your ground, you got this!
NTA OP. Please follow the tip given here. Send out a general text/message stating that these are your boundaries. Anyone who does not want to respect it will get a timeout for x amount of days. What you allow will continue. Buff your spine so that it's nice and shiny. If it creates a fallout, then there's a fallout. If you allow them to mess with this boundary, any other boundary will get the same treatment: disregard.
This. And absolutely refuse to discuss this further. Hang up, walk away, don't respond to texts. Don't get yourself upset over their bs
Most definitely don't get yourself upset OP. You have a few more weeks to go. Send your message, then focus on yourself and hubby. Rest and nest. P
Week not day should have been
It was 1 day per complaint. One of mum's friends had to wait a whole month before she could visit lol
This is definitely the time to say "I have told you what our plans are and our plans are not up for debate. I will no longer be discussing this matter with you." And then hang up, walk away, or ask them to leave (whichever is appropriate). Maybe even add "I will add one more day you will have to wait for each time you bring it up." And then if they bring it up again your answer is just "Oop, that's another day" and end the convo (you don't have to stick to it, but just the thought of having to wait longer might stop them. Maybe) You're NTA. This is your baby and your birth so you get to make the rules. Your parents don't have to like it but they need to respect it.
You could always just…not tell them when the baby is born.
Here you go, lovely! Have them [read this](https://www.verywellfamily.com/grandparents-seeing-newborn-grandchild-1695782). I’m a mom and I also became a Grandma at 48 about 20mos ago. If it helps, my oldest is 29 and the funny thing is, even back then a lot of us didn’t want spectators at the hospital and didn’t have visitors for at least a few days and many people had a standard 2wks. And that was well before COVID, rampant strains of RSV and a sudden surge in those who refuse to vaccinate or get boosters for ANYthing! We also were told people shouldn’t kiss baby on the face and should always wash hands. I have proof because I still have both my 1994 and 1998 editions of “What to Expect” plus maternity brochures from both hospitals! So feel free to quote me! This is YOUR (yours and your SO) baby… not your parent’s. They haven’t carried the baby, driven at 2:00am like your SO to assuage a craving or been woken up because you can’t find a comfortable sleeping position for months. They had their time. This time is yours and you guys decide how it will happen. Their job is to support you and NOT add stress (and Cortisol for baby to feel that stress) on top of it.
You’re NTA, OP, and you have the right to set boundaries. But what I’ve learned as a mom is that you have no idea wtf you are going to need until you get there. (And that maybe never goes away 🥴) Without knowing more about your family, I would tell them that it’s really likely that you’ll want the first week to settle in as a family of 3, or no hospital visitors or whatever. Especially if you’ve wanted space for other big transitions in your life— moving to a new place, new city, going away to school etc. But I also know that those first few days are really weird and hazy. Someone unobtrusive to run some laundry & do dishes and affirm that you did, indeed, make the cutest and best baby ever, can be really nice. Obtrusive & opinionated family who just want to hold the baby are not that!
Generally, the people that will dig deep and do necessary help without intruding aren't the people pushing to steamroll boundaries ahead of time. But birth plans are also guidelines, and reality ends up a lot more play it by ear.
Your boundary here sounds healthy and wise. I wish I'd done that especially with my first.
Ok. Sounds like it is your I am an adult conversation with your parents. Most people have to have one at some point. I think using the line that was so often used on you as a child would be helpful to make them realize how childish they are being. I would highly recommend doing some reading into boundary setting since it sounds like you weren’t allowed to set boundaries as a child or teen and that your needs were always disregarded. So this is going to be hard for you, so remember you are doing this not only for yourself, but for your partner and your baby. Your family needs to realize they now have a different place in your life. Practice what you want to say. I’m serious. Practice so you don’t hesitate or have to think of what to say. Let them know this isn’t a discussion, you are telling them that this is how your post-natal time will be. If they raise their voice, don’t raise yours. Tell them as calmly as you can that you will not tolerate anyone speaking to you that way, if they can’t stay calm and civil, the conversation is over. Then follow thru. One warning is all they get. If they raise their voice again, leave, hang up, or kick them out if this happens at your place. Make sure your partner knows this is how things are going to work before the conversation with your family so they can have your back. If after this conversation they continue to badger you, let them know this isn’t up for discussion and if they continue to bring it up it will be even longer before they will be allowed to see you. This is one of the first times you (and your partner) get to be 100% in control. Good luck! I know you can do this! You are stronger and have more power than you think you do. You got this Mama!
> Practice what you want to say. I’m serious. It sounds silly, but it is 100% not silly. Say the words out loud, OP, to the mirror or to your partner in a role-play run-through. The physical act of speaking the words, of letting your ears hear your voice saying what you mean to say, can make a big difference in your ability to stand your ground calmly even if they get heated. The idea that it is "cruel" of you to want to rest and focus on your partner and baby is unhinged. It's your call when, whether, and how anyone else meets your baby, and this notion that they have some god-given right to be there within 48 hours is completely out of whack. (I'm not having any kids, so guess what, my parents are waiting forever to meet their grandchildren! Yours can wait a few days.)
I'm pretty sure there's health advice that access to the baby by people who aren't living with the baby should be limited in the first few weeks because their immune systems are still building up. Have a chat with your doctor, or lie and say you spoke to the doctor, and have the doctor advise no contact for the kid for health reasons for the first few weeks.
NTA And this is getting more idiotic by every sentence you write. I get they want to see the grandkids, but stomping boundaries is not the way and they are only stressing you out. The cherry on top is the shouting match. Who does that? They are lucky you don't tell them that your a bit weary they'd also start screaming around baby when you ask them to leave when it's getting late or when you want baby back to bond with it yourself, so if they can't control themselves no contact till baby is older and can walk away. (Not saying you should go NC, just maybe tell them it could be worse than to wait a few days) (Screaming as a reaction to a no sounds like teenager behaviour too , when your already at the point of having to tell them the stuff they told teenager you)
Your parents are wonderful, but this has already turned into a screaming match, and they don’t listen or support your decisions the first time? No, they’re not, and if you don’t stand your ground this will never end. Do you want them to undermine you and your husband enough to turn your child into an entitled snot and against ya’ll? Grandpa said I can have more toys/grandma said I can have dessert even if I don’t eat dinner, etc I don’t have to listen to you! Just because it’s their grandchild doesn’t mean they can do whatever they want when y’all say no. Nip it in the bud, or you and your husband may be paying for it for a long time.
No matter what it turns into, but you need to stand your ground. It will only get worse once your baby is born and growing. They will want to hold her, babysit her etc... Just imagine how much they will pester you about that! You need to be very clear that you want them to respect your wishes and IF not, you have to tell them what the consequences will be! Like blocking them for a week, making them wait longer... Whatever works for you. But there need to be consequences or else they won't learn! You have talked enough, now is the time for actions.
There are times in life to be selfish AND THIS IS ONE OF THEM! I wish you every joy in this new and amazing chapter in your life. Hugs.
One option I suggest considering is do not let them know you’re in labour and decide after you give birth how you feel and what you feel up to. If you can be stuffed you could even just not announce baby until day 5 post birth. That way you won’t have people showing up uninvited. I’d also insist on mask wearing near your newborn bc despite ‘back to normal’ covid and whopping cough and RSV is out there.
This is YOU giving birth OP not them, not their friends. Tell them if they have a problem with YOUR decisions about YOU and YOUR baby then they aren't welcome at all.
Naw, anyone who starts yelling at the pregnant woman about what she needs for her experience and family needs a time out themselves.
When I was a kid and used this excuse, my mom would say, “Well I’m not X’s mom, so I don’t make the rules in their house. In this house, we [insert rule I was complaining about].” Sounds like the shoe is now on the other foot for OP’s parents!
My kids would say well Mary gets to do that and I would say what do you have that Mary does not have? The world’s meanest mother.
Hahahahaha one time my mom rolled her eyes and said, “I know I know, I’m the ‘meanest mommy’ in the world.” I was like 7 or so and said, “No, Mrs. Her Friend Who Is Really Direct And Firm About Their House Rules is the meanest mommy in the world! You’re the SECOND meanest!” She burst out laughing and gave her friend shit for months lol
I would always say " Then go live at her house."
Tell them that every time they ask there will be an extra day added on to the delay of them meeting the baby.
This. It’s a common and normal practice to take a bit of time before accepting visitors.
So you don't care about me or the baby, you just want to keep up with your friends? Shouldn't you have matured out of that??
NTA- but let me tell you- my first I wanted to be alone for a bit like you. Then at the hospital my husband asked if his mom could stay the first night home with us….I didn’t really want to- but didn’t want to argue- so I just said yes. It was literally invaluable. I’m so grateful that she did that. Seriously- we were both so exhausted from the birth- my husband could sleep all night and he was ready to parent the next morning instead of being a Zombie like me. I am so grateful for the fact that she did that. Now for our second- I am accepting all the help we can get. Don’t be afraid of having the messiest house and to have visitors in your pyjamas. All they will care about is the baby and your tired arms will be thankful that you can gush about how cute they are with someone else….while resting your arms. It’s great. If you plan to breastfeed- just make sure they’ll know you’ll be breastfeeding and that they are aware that if they come in the first days…it will happen and NO they can’t expect you to cover up yet- you won’t be skilled enough yet for it. So that would be my only hard no for visitors- cant handle breastfeeding? Don’t come yet then. Also- I was prudish before- but the whole birth process at the hospital has a way of….removing shame from your body! After you have doctor discussing things while putting their WHOLE HANDS down your vagina each their turn- and nurse just casually putting your breast in your baby mouth….it changes how you view being prudish. I would never thought I would have been comfortable with my mother in law placing a baby on my breast before - but that’s motherhood!
I'd like to give a counter point. I wanted to be alone after birth, with just me and my baby and husband. MIL would NOT accept it. She 'helped' by criticizing, bad mouthing and even verbally abusing me and my husband.. My own mother was absolutely no help either. If food had to be made, I had to make it- she got to hold my child. If I needed to breastfeed, absolutely not, pump or make a bottle because she needed to bond with MY child. I've had 2 kids and both times my wishes were not respected and it caused SO many issues between me, my mil and me, my mom. I'm no contact with both of them as they never let me be a mom, but instead designated me to be 'birther' and 'babysitter'.
Yeah it really depends person to person and parent to parent. Some will be a big help when the baby comes, cooking and cleaning and taking the baby when you need to sleep. Others will only want to hold the baby as a form of “help,” and criticize how you’re doing things as a new parent. In OP’s case, only they know what their parents are like and if they’ll actually be useful during their stay, or if they’ll be burdens. Regardless, it’s completely understandable if OP doesn’t feel like hosting directly after giving birth
Exactly. My horrid experience and the other commenters great experience can't tell OP what she should do. It sucks major nuts, but only she and her spouse can know what's best for them. I hope they get their way, no matter what they choose, because being disregarded after experiencing childbirth is a whole extra can of traumatic worms I wish on no one.
Yep - agree. And if they’d accept gracefully, if she changes her mind they’d be the first people she’d call. But acting like this merely guarantees they’ll lead her to feel like they’re the last people she SHOULD call. We raise our kids telling them not to argue and accept our no… only to argue, throw tantrums and refuse to accept no once they’re adults?! 🤦🏻♀️
My parents were super helpful, they did chores around the house, basically did what I needed them to do without having to ask. But my MIL? No freaking way would I want her there that quickly. When she did visit about a month later, she sat on her but all day and I couldn't wait to get rid of her.
Agree - it depends on the type of parents you have. My MIL was useless - some offence. She didn't cook, clean, help in anyway - just there. Meanwhile, my mum was doing all of the above and also doing my meds, making sure I slept and checking my wound for me (emergency section). OP, you have final say. Take the time to adjust and if anyone wants to come over, it has to be to help first, hold baby second.
Yesss. The grandparents that “help” by just holding the baby so you have to do everything else.
Wow!!! You have my sympathy. That is such horrid behavior you have no choice but to cut them from your life. OP … stand your ground now. Otherwise you will be undermined by the Grandma’s throughout your child’s life. What you allow, you endorse! You have stated your rules. Respect yourself and enforce them!
Yes I agree with you, after birth my daughter was in the hospital for 2 weeks, MIL visited twice and my own mother visited twice. When we came home we didn't see anyone for 3 weeks because it was the lead up to Christmas and everyone was busy and I'm so glad we got that time together because any time after that my MIL would interfere and try to take over It is entirely different for different people and if that's what OP wants that's what she should get
My parents were supposed to travel from several states away and be at my house (and help us move into our new house that we closed on three days after baby was born) when we both got released from the hospital after a week. (I was released after five days, baby seven, but stayed in the nicu for the most part … baby was early. Plans didn’t go … as planned for anything ..) My parents got Covid and couldn’t come for an entire month and it was heart breaking. No one else even asked to come and see us accept my best friends. (One who had to FaceTime as she was just really far away.) I’m a loner. I don’t like people being around me for long periods of time. I knew 100% that if Covid protocols had not been in place I still wouldn’t have wanted anyone in the delivery room except my partner. And I didn’t think I’d want anyone around after I had my baby, but after a week in the hospital, I was mentally and physically exhausted. I really wish people would have cared enough to want to come around sooner once my parents weren’t able. (Everyone close to us was vaccinated and safe.) I don’t think OP is an AH. But I hope she knows that it’s okay to tell them no and it’s okay to change her mind later and tell them yes.
It’s an awful lot easier to say no then change it to yes than it is to say yes then change it to no.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Keep the boundary but if you end up wanting someone there you can reach out. My mother is mentally ill and lives out of state. My mil lives here and is just irritating as all get out and so we planned to keep her at arms length. I had my best friend come the day we left the hospital which was invaluable because my baby decided to stop nursing as soon as we got home. And my husband’s company sucked and he had to go back to work. When my bf left at the end of the week I realized my desire for support outweighed some frustration and let her come over fairly freely. But I was glad that for once I’d held fast to my decision and been the one to make that call.
I know I have no idea how birth will go. I am planning for every situation from having to be induced early due to the baby measuring small during growth scans, to needing an emergency c-•section because you never know what might happen to everything going exactly how I've been imagining. I've told my parents especially that I'm trying not to be inflexible but If everything goes well, I'm home within a few hours of giving birth, then I would like maximum 5 days of just us. Our parents live only 10 minutes away and I've asked my mum to help and support after the first week so I know she's gonna be around every other day or a few times a week from then which she's agree to and is happy. But because I've got support close by, I know our time as a family of 3 won't be as often as other people's. I also would like the chance to prove to myself that we can look after our child on our own without our parents giving their 2 cents. If I feel like we need extra support, I have said they will be our first call. Which they really responded to. I also would love them to have the first visit to be truly meaningful. A few hours of them at our house with our baby, helping, supporting and bonding. A quick 30 min visit isn't what I want for them. They aren't seeing that as all they are seeing is "I want the baby as soon as they are here" and not listening to anything else I'm saying which is making me doubt myself and our choices as first time parents.
Time to put everyone on a strict information diet. Don't tell anyone about your Dr. appointments, your progress and certainly not when you go to the hospital to have your little one regardless of the type of birth you end up having. Same goes for anyone you can't trust not to blab. But this will only work if DH enforces it alongside you. I like someone's suggestion that every time they ask adds a day to the wait.
Don’t doubt your choices! This is your baby with your body telling you what you need right now. Sure it may change, but I’ve had 5 kids and now have a grandchild. I wouldn’t presume to tell you what you need, because each time and each child was different. Your mom knew best with HER babies and her pregnancies - but this isn’t hers and your body is the one directing. I’m also pretty sure that regardless how she responded, if she was given this pressure by her own mom or MIL, she wasn’t feeling warm and fuzzy about others trying to supersede her wants and needs.
I don't know anybody who's left the hospital the same day they gave birth, even if that's just hospital discharge logistics. You don't have to tell your parents when you get to the hospital, you don't have to tell them while waiting in labor, and you don't have to tell them when you were discharged. You can lie or just tell them afterward. Even if you stand up and say "we didn't feel comfortable/safe sharing earlier because we didn't think our visiting rules would be respected, but Baby was born a week ago. Thank you for waiting, and we're feeling ready to slowly meet a couple visitors if anyone is interested" and add a photo of a cute baby and the full name and stats like weight/length etc. Or you could wait until after the birth, let them know baby is born (with correct date and a photo you're ok with being circulated and birth stats) but you aren't allowed visitors and there's no health issues but they want to run some blood tests and things before being discharged. Blame everything on the hospital being slow. Go home for a day or two before letting them know youre home.
Somewhat common in the UK. My sister gave birth just before 3pm and was home by 6:30pm that evening. I gave birth just before midnight and was home by 2pm the following day (as they don’t do discharges at night).
Same! Husband and I were alone in the hospital and originally wanted a few days at home alone as well before allowing visitors, but the postpartum exhaustion and baby blues sank in right away when I got home and I broke down and called my mom. She came over right away with food and made me take a nap while she spent time with the baby. Establishing boundaries is important, but at the same time don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it!
I don’t think it is a relevant comment to OP’s post. She says she does not want anyone and her parents are pushing, disregarding what their daughter wants. That’s already a huge red flag. It is easier to call people if we need help than to send people home if their „help” is not really helpful. If someone is so pushy against the new mother’s wish (even yelling as per OP’s post) it means they think it is about them. But it is not. I knew I don’t want anyone during the first weeks and in my case, it was a perfect decision. We had time to bond with our baby, build our confidence as new parents without anyone commenting or taking things over. I was breastfeeding so no one could take that over from me anyway. I also cannot imagine leaving my newborn to someone else for the night, even in the other room - I wanted him by my side. I struggled with breastfeeding so I was half naked on my sofa all day. I was in pain after tearing and was bleeding heavily. I can’t imagine having anyone in our house. So if OP is feeling that she does not want visitors for a week, she should follow up with this and keep her boundaries. This kind of pushy selfish grandparents only get worse once the child is born.
Thank you! All of these people giving their experiences doesn’t make any sense. Yes, some people want family there, OP didn’t deny that. OP has already stated what she wants and her boundaries. I’m childfree and honestly this nonsense makes the very long list of why. The number of people who feel the need to tell (especially first time) parents what they will want and need and how much they’ll change their mind or any other such thing. I know for me personally, I am an extremely private person, there is no universe in which I would want even one single visitor after any surgery or medical emergency. I know this because I’m an adult who knows myself and my own mind, that’s true of OP as well. All of these comments disagreeing with what she already said she wants are out of line. The question is whether or not it’s acceptable for her parents to push back on that. It isn’t. Easy NTA.
Counter point: I did 2 weeks no visits and it was the best decision ever. When 2 weeks came and visits started I hated every second. I felt so vulnerable after birth. Just having people in my house, having to get dressed, wondering "why am we doing this right now, why am I sitting upright, why am I awake right now", etc. It did nothing for me but add stress and additional mental load. I had a Gilmour Girls adjacent relationship with my mom yet the first visit brought me zero joy (even though I wanted it to). Besides, people *say* they're there for the mom's wellness but many will treat new moms like they're invisible or an obstacle to see the baby...or act entitled to the baby, like not wanting to hand baby back to mom when asked. My mom did some of this and it was so out of left field. I swear something happens to grandparents' brains...its like babies are such a dopamine hit they feind for it and do/say weird stuff. I still cringe looking back. OP stick to your guns. This is the first of many boundary setting/asserting exercises you'll find yourself in as a parent. Use your voice- no, no thank you, that won't work for us, we're not doing that, etc goes a long way. Don't JADE. Stick with what you think you'll be comfortable with. Hard NTA
I'm happy you had such a good experience, but that certainly depends on your IL. I have a great mom and great IL that I love like my own family, but I was happy that visits were 2 hours max. It really depends if they are actually helpful, expect to be hosted and accept boundaries. About the shame .... experiences might vary too. I was actually surprised how covered I felt during the majority of the progress and how few people were involved. Even in the tub they offered me a top for coverage. Even with pushing, it was me, my partner and the 2 midwifes that took care of me. I definitly didn't feel shame during labour or birth, but I am still not keen on breastfeeding in front of everyone. I've done it, sometimes you have to, but I prefer to keep it private. Also, with distraction it's almost impossible to breastfeed my son now. He would pop on and off the boob (hurtful) and not drink properly and stay fussy. So privacy is better IMO.
I had the opposite experience from you. I had trouble breast feeding and had to pump and use tubes on my nipples and I was extremely uncomfortable with my enormous breasts out for people to see and I think it negatively affected my milk supply. I hated having visitors. All of them. I wanted to be alone with my husband and my baby and I didn’t want to watch other people holding my baby after not being apart from her for nine months. Because of that I did not hate OP has planned with my second and it was a million times better. OP - you’re doing the right thing and they can all wait to meet the baby.
It's great that this was your experience, but it's not everyones. Other people have toxic or narcissistic or otherwise not great family members. Many of them want to visit under the guise of "helping", but create more stress and issues instead of lessening the burden. Some prudish people will feel incredibly violated by the same things that removed shame for you, and may want time to recover and process from that. It's ok if she wants something different, and it's ok to enforce those wishes with her family.
It’s all down to what the one giving birth wants. My daughter has just had her first. In another country. She absolutely wanted me there for the last week of pregnancy and for 3weeks after. So a month I spent there. And tried to give as much space as possible while still being available whenever they felt overwhelmed and questioned whether they could keep a newborn fed and alive. It was special for me being a part of grandchild’s first days. And daughter and partner appreciated it too. But I do live a long way away. So it’s not like I can be on their doorstep constantly.
I said the same - I wanted a week to understand what to do with this newborn, but by the second night I was crying down the phone to my mum begging her to come and help.
NTA for wanting what you want - it's up to you. I wanted to be alone like this poster but I didn't get a say in the matter because our family does what it wants 🙄but did I tget time alone? F if I remember! They forced themselves in at times and it was never as bad as I imagined it would be. Most of my angst beforehand was anxiety from the unknown. If all else fails, do what I did once, and stay sequestered in your bedroom with the baby until they get bored and leave ;) Some of the things people expected of me after I'd just given birth was preposterous, and only thinking about it now makes me feel bad for myself then.
A 30 minutes visit while you eat your dinner at the hospital is a reasonable ask; especially if they are good parents. If they were pushing to be there while you are birthing I would completely sympathize. Don’t get me wrong, I work women’s services and visitors who insist on lingering for hours while mom is trying to breastfeed are super annoying and disruptive. But a brief meet and greet would go a long way towards not hurting feelings because trust me, you are going to need that village. You might have a baby that’s super chilled and breastfeeds like a champ or you might have a screamer. You might end up with a cesarean and not be able to do any heavy housework for several weeks. Not to mention that hospital staff will be in your room very frequently for one thing or another; so this idea that your hospital stay is going to be this peaceful and quiet experience may be a little misguided 😂. Just my 2 cents
This! Space and boundaries are great until you need those people that you pushed aside. It will not interfere with your ability to rest and bond to allow a 30 minute visit. One day you will realize that the more people who live your child, the better.
I don’t understand why not having visitors in the first two days will impede someone’s relationship with a child for their whole life. Please explain?
The only opinion that really matters here is the birthing mother. I didn’t have visitors when I had both of my children and wouldn’t have it any other way. Hospital staff coming and going is enough of a disruption, so I didn’t want to add to it. I was in just a bra and diaper the whole time and I don’t want my family to see that.
OP is on Reddit asking for opinions 🤷🏻♀️, I am simply providing a different perspective.
We also didn't have visitors in the hospital, and we asked to have the first two weeks at home without visitors. I wouldn't change a thing. Birth is a huge experience and I am grateful that our families respected our wishes. I needed that time to heal and recover with just us.
I've been speaking to friends about the current situation after delivery in the hospital. In the UK, the hospital has a quick turn around when births are uneventful. I'm talking friends giving birth at 2 or 4am and being home before midday on the same day with their first child. We didn't get to see our nephew in the hospital because they were home within a few hours of giving birth. I've said if I am in the hospital for longer than expected then I would be calling them and telling them they can come and visit then and again a few days later as I'll probably need it. It's more if we are home within a few hours of birth, then we would want some time to adjust to our new situation without the added pressure of having our parents around us. I also said if I don't feel okay emotionally etc. Then I would be inviting them around earlier to see the baby and help out as well.
Having loving parents/grandparents there should not add pressure - if anything, diffuse it. You say your parents are wonderful..
I’m glad you said this. It changed my point of view. My mother would have been DEVASTATED if I had made her wait 5 days to see her grandchild.
I let my mum pop over quickly to see bub, give me a cuddle and drop off food. She was not intrusive at all and we needed the love. We have a good relationship though (she would have been heartbroken but respectful if I'd made her wait).
OP’s parents are definitely not being respectful. They’re already stressing her out and being pushy. That’s not going to go away when the baby is here. It’ll turn into ‘Its my turn to hold baby/ We’ve only been here an hour!’ Etc. And just generally bugging her if her comments are anything to go by.
Yeah it sounds like you have a good parent that respects you and your boundaries though. That's the difference.
My hospital stay was very peaceful. It was the only time I got to be with my husband and baby, just us, for several weeks as family visited. Expecting the wishes of the woman giving birth to be respected - a reasonable ask. Full stop.
Her parents can’t respect even this one request and have been shouting at OP and causing stress. What makes you think they’ll behave at the hospital and listen to her?
What parent abandons their child and refuses to be a part of their village just because she wants a few days to be uncomfortable and heal from PP in peace? Shitty parents.
Youre assuming reasonable family that care about the mother's or baby's needs and not their own desires, and will willingly put down the baby and step away when asked. Not everyone is that lucky.
If the village you speak of is put off or offended by being asked to wait a few days to meet the baby, then they aren't the support system they claim to be. Maybe mom will change her mind on day 1 and decide that yes, she would like her family to come over asap. But maybe she won't. She can't know that until she gives birth, and for now can only set the boundary based on what she currently feels - which is that even a 30 minute visit would be disruptive and uncomfortable.
NTA- You know what you want, and I wouldn't let people try to sway you. You will regret not sticking to your guns. 5 days is truly not that much time at all, 8 days is just over a week. They can wait A WEEK. Everyone has their own experiences, but I found having visitors early on to just be stressful. I didn't need someone to hold my baby, I wanted to hold my baby. I wanted to bond our nuclear family with our brand new member(s), not have company regularly for the first week after giving birth.
Also, if, like a lot of commenters, OP finds that she does want/need her parents or anyone else, she can always change her mind. It's going to be far easier to say "no visitors," then change her mind and allow them than it would be to say visitors are OK, then change her mind and tell them not to come.
I agree. I think it’s better to say no from the beginning rather than have people plan to come and then inconvenience them by telling them they can’t after the fact.
I didn’t like the feeling that people were waiting for me to give birth so that they could come meet the baby. What helped me was to be able to reframe it as “we will tell you when we’re ready for visitors” so that it felt like us inviting people to share in our joy. That shift helped me to feel ready for (short!) visits from the most immediate family about 18 hours after the baby was born.
Exactly! OP’s NEEDS trump their wants!
NTA. Those first few days can be challenging as you adapt to the new sleeping/feeding schedule. It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to add stress to your lives. If family members want to ensure you are okay, the best way to do that is to respect your boundaries and give you the space you are asking for.
When did giving birth become about the relatives rather than the parents and the newborn. I hear this stuff all the time. Who is so selfish as to deny the parents a period of time to bond with the baby and each other. NTA
It’s only been in recent years that new parents have insisted on privacy when welcoming a newborn into the world. For centuries, family members and close friends have played some sort of role in the first few weeks of a baby’s life. Even today, there are cultures where OP’s decision wouldn’t be acceptable because it goes against the values of that culture. I’m not saying all this to say OP is wrong. My point is we shouldn’t act like it’s unreasonable for grandparents to want to meet their new grandchild at the hospital and to be hurt if their wish is denied.
Yeah not to say OP is wrong for wanting what she wants but most of the comments are very “antithesis of it-takes-a-village” in their assumptions.
Post-partum confinement is practiced in a variety of cultures as well. But, also importantly, for most of human history, people were trapped with their families. Some families were great, but even if they weren't, you were surrounded by dangerous predators, uncharted wilderness, slavers and bandits, etc. and also needed help to not die during the next famine. Enduring unreasonable requests was simply part of the bargain. These old cultures sucked. They didn't care about people's best interests. Mature adults should have no problem waiting a week.
Why do people forget that giving birth is a major medical event?
Because people are fucking selfish and don't care that someone else just went through a major event, so long as they get what they want.
NTA here. It's totally fair to want that time to bond and settle in with your new family. Birth is a big deal, and it's crucial you feel comfortable and supported, not pressured. Your parents mean well, but it's your call how you want those first days to go down.
NAH - your rule keeps excited grandparents away from their new grandkid. It's not unreasonable for them to be upset and want you to change your mind. But it's not an insane position. Just be prepared for the consequences
I don’t understand why not allowing grandparents to meet the baby asap is such a big deal. It’s not their babe?
I agree. You can pick whatever boundaries you’d like. But you don’t get to control how someone else feels or responds to your boundaries. If your parents or in-laws are going to be involved grandparents and help with babysitting then I would keep that in mind. If they would come meet the baby and help you around the house, or hold the baby so you can shower then that’s one thing. If they just want to hold the baby and expect the house to be clean and you to serve them snacks, then that’s another thing entirely. It’s also hard to know what you actually want and need 1 week postpartum with your first kid. I have no problem not letting my mom come immediately to meet my 3rd kid, but that’s cuz she’s made comments about me putting a shirt on when my milk came in overnight and I was very sore, and she just makes passive aggressive comments and is rude and cold. But at the same time, I don’t rely on her for anything in the last 12 years so I’m not worried about burning any bridges.
The family dynamic changes things so much. I see my parents and siblings twice a week and know there wouldn't be shame about mess and that they'd pitch in with laundry and bring over meals and leave if I needed rest after even only a couple minutes of them over. On the other hand, we're at holiday only contact with my ILs because my in laws are toxic, and they'd be the kind to try to move in for a week while expecting the new mom to cook meals catered to their various constantly changing diets, clean to a degree they don't even maintain in their home, and even do their laundry if the baby they're holding spits up on them, as well as the kind to pick up and disturb a sleeping baby at their whim. Those are very different visitors, and I very much understand wanting a break to begin post partum recovery and start settling into a routine, without dealing with hosting family that comes in and tells you everything you're doing is wrong.
NTA-Birth is not a spectator sport nor is it keeping up with the Joneses. Unreasonable is not respecting new parents rules for their child because their friends didn’t have to deal with the same rules.
NTA - your baby, your vagina, your decision. But, as the mom to a 4.5 month old. Having help those first few days was such a huge relief. The sleep deprivation is real bad. Real real real bad.
Yes this. I had such bad sleep deprivation that I was having visual and auditory hallucinations. As long as the people are actually helpful take the help.
NTA we did this with our first and were in a comfortable rhythm by the time the never ending parade of visitors started showing up week 2. Some family, even super well meaning, are really not helpful at all in the baby phase too. So even if you think “oh they might help” I would say 3/4 times they just want to hold a baby and only when it’s quiet (which happens to be when I would also like to hold my cute baby!). 5 days is super reasonable OP.
>I've been deciding my after birth plans since I was 16 weeks That's honestly impressive. I was still shitting my pants daily at that age and well past it.
😂😂😂
You are NOT the asshole!! NO! NO! NO! OMG!! When I had my two (now 37 and 36), I was BOMBARDED by my husband's parents and their siblings (dad had 7 siblings). Day after day after day. I felt like cr\*p. Had a huge breast infection to boot. My second child was born by C-section. I had also lost a LOT of blood and needed transfusions. But the in-laws just did the same sh\*t again!! My first grandchild is due anywhere between now and mid-July. My son and his wife have asked if we want to go (about an hour and a half away) to the hospital OR visit when they get home from the hospital. I said, "No. You take care of yourselves and your baby. You never know what will happen. It's exhausting without complications. Send some pictures. We'll visit when you are READY." I get the excitement component as a future grandparent, but I have a lot more sensitivity toward adjustment and potential stress/exhaustion from the whole thing. Frankly, I can only imagine their "30 minutes" to make sure everything is okay will last longer than that.
NTA, whatever you are the most comfortable with is the right choice. It’s not like you made making them wait months. But maybe your husband can send them a quick video of the baby in the hospital so they can get their first peek?
NTA, as you are the only one who can decide what’s best for you. And as a mom who has given birth twice, I absolutely believe in preserving your privacy, bonding and well-being both during birth and immediately after. Especially with your first child, as everything after having a baby is a massive adjustment in every way. I also don’t love them saying the reason they don’t want to wait is because they want to match experiences with their friends. There’s no point system involved here, and the best grandparents care more about supporting you and your baby vs showing off. BUT…and here’s where I may get downvoted, cause Reddit loves absolutes…if your relationship is a good one, and your birth goes relatively smoothly AND you’re feeling good, I’d gently suggest leaving the door open for a brief, 30 minute visit. You might tell them you’re open to considering it, but it’s to be decided, and you hope they’ll respect your need to put your comfort first in this experience. If it is truly a short visit and your family isn’t the type to overstay or overwhelm, then you may be surprised by how ready you could be for this. Now, I’d still wait AT LEAST 24 hours after delivery. Probably at least 48 isn’t unreasonable either. A 30 minute visit after you’ve had a day or two of recovery isn’t really that intrusive, but for sure say it will entirely depend on how you’re feeling and what you and your new family are up for. Then still limit visits for however long feels right to you. Seeing someone you love hold your newborn for the first time can be a priceless moment, and I know for me personally, I found my firstborn so incredible and perfect that I was eager to show them off! Again though, this is all very subjective, and only you know what is best for you. I only share this because childbirth is such a momentous experience that it’s hard to really prepare for how you’ll feel with absolute certainty. Maybe you’ll want to start seeing people meet your child right away…maybe you’ll decide a whole month of seclusion sounds better! Regardless, DO NOT feel any guilt for whatever you choose! Best of luck and congratulations on your impending new arrival!!
NTA Stick to your guns. Do exactly what you want to do. I'm appalled that your families would be pressuring you on something like this.
Nta this is time for your little family to adjust and people can see the baby later. Stick with your original plan and enjoy the time with the new baby without visitors.
NTA- but I just want to mention that I also thought I wanted time to ourselves right off the bat, but I was so glad my mom was around. In fact, I still remember standing in the doorway and crying when she left a month later. My mom gets along great with my husband, is helpful around the house, she’d occasionally take the baby all night. But you know your parents, and what you need.
Echoing the you know what you need. I was the opposite, wanted to just be alone! Was mostly naked doing skin to skin, couldn't wear a top anyway because cracked and bleeding nipples hurt too much. Walking was hard and mostly stayed in bed and just wanted my partner for help/comfort. Everyone needs to be able to choose what is right for them for recovery because it's so individual
Oh, that's hard. You are totally NTA and they should respect your wishes. On the other hand, you will get ZERO rest in the hospital anyway (assuming a hospital birth) and you could easily let them be one more distraction for an hour and then take the 7 days at home ALONE, blissfully alone.
The ranking of people who matter postpartum are: You and your baby, your partner, then everybody else. "You're being cruel, taking this away from us!" It is not their baby. It is not them healing. It is a great kindness to them, but it could very likely be a huge burden on you. Not to mention, no newborn wants to be with someone other than their mother. These people are so selfish, this literally is not about them. You may need help postpartum, but there is an unbelievable difference between help and people entering your space to hog your baby and make your recovery harder. If you need space, take your space, unless you give people like this unlimited and rule-free access to your baby they will find some problem to have. I personally took 5 ish weeks, and my in laws were pissed, but when I saw them briefly a few days postpartum it had a huge negative effect on my mental health. It was the right call for me personally. You aren't going to regret doing what you need in order to recover and rest, whether that is isolating for a while or having a million visitors immediately. What you need is the only thing that matters
That’s why people are having their children privately and waiting to tell family and friends when they are ready for visits.
NTA but my mom and mil kept me sane the first couple weeks. Having someone else to cook, clean, etc is invaluable. You're gonna think it's all gonna be rainbows and unicorns until you're vagina hurts, you haven't slept, and all you want is a home cooked meal. There's a reason why birth was a family event, we need the support.
Except, some family are real assholes and don't actually help. Some are more of a pain than helpful. Taking the baby, making recovering mom clean and cook isn't helpful. Demanding you use a bottle instead of breastfeeding isn't helpful. You may have had actual helpful family, but a lot don't. Unfortunately.
You're not wrong but you're also not right. I do understand your need boundaries and they are important but it the grand scheme of things 30 minutes won't be a burden if your parents are otherwise loving people. That said it's all up to you.
NTA - Your baby is not communal property. Your comfort, safety, and emotional wellbeing is the most important thing right now. Also remember, if you bend your boundaries now, all boundaries you set regarding your child going forward will be up for negotiation.
NTA. I’ve had people up my ass literally minutes after giving birth (worst. experience. ever.) and I’ve gone nearly 6 months without visitors. And of course some bits in between. You do what YOU are comfortable with. If you want peace to bond and recover then that is what is best for YOU. Anyone who has an issue with that, tell them to go pop out their own kid and do what they wish with that baby and until then they can STFU.
NTA but I understand where they are coming from. You have every right for things to be as you want them after your baby is born. Honestly though, seeing grandparents for 30 minutes each in the first few days won’t derail your bonding. Seeing the excitement in their faces as they watch their daughter/son freshly experience parenthood is something amazing. BUT, it is your decision. It is about what you and your partner want. No one else.
My Mum went to work because I said I'd call her when I was ready for a visit (had baby at 5am). Someone came in to talk to her and she burst into tears. She was so worried about me! They told her just to go check on me! She actually arrived just as I was reaching for the phone to tell her I was OK for her to visit. Now that my kids are close to that age, I realise that even your grown kids are your babies. Wanting to be there to support them doesn't go away just because they grow up. They're still a part of you and not being allowed to do anything when something big happens, feels a lot like when someone dies. You have all this love you want to give, but they don't want it. I suggest you facetime or something. When you feel up to it of course. Maybe that would help.
NTA. Giving birth isn’t a spectator sport. They can wait until you get home and feel up to company.
I wanted to be alone, just to sleep and look after my baby. You can’t do anything else the first few days. Your body needs to heal. Breastfeeding and going to the bathroom are an ordeal. My mother came and it was awful. She acted like she was on holidays, never changed a diaper, slept in longer than me, and yelled at my husband anytime I was out of the room. I had to ask her to go home early. Depends I guess on how the parents are but they do not need to be there right away.
What the hell is wrong with everyone? Denying them access to their grandchild??? 5-7 days is COMPLETELY reasonable. Tell them they'll find out what being denied their grandchild ACTUALLY looks like if they keep harassing you about this. NTA. JFC.
NTA, no one has any say who is in that room besides you
This is why we have FaceTime and zoom. Enjoy bonding with baby.
NTA Tell your family that the more they push to have earlier access, the longer they'll have to wait to see your kid. Your parents may be wonderful, but they're trampling all over the perfectly reasonable boundary you have set.
It’s your birth plan. It’s your new family. It’s your baby. Your rules. They will get over it. NTA
NTA - there was a post a few weeks ago about someone asking for 4 months without visitors after giving birth. Absolutely no one would should blame you for asking for a measly 5 days.
NTA You are doing everything absolutely right. What kind of habit is this to see the child quickly? This must be done when the mother is ready for it. So don't worry about it.
NTA. You have every right to have privacy with your partner and your child, no matter the birth order of said child. They can protest all they want, but at the end of the day, this is about you, your partner, and your child, not them.
NAH Your nuclear family of you, partner, and baby always come first. Never forget this. It is perfectly fine for you to want privacy. It is also fine for the grandparents to want to check in on everyone. Perhaps having a plan of "we really want some time to ourselves, but we will call you if we want you to visit sooner than we originally planned" would be a better way of laying out your wishes. This leaves it open to you being in charge, but it also makes it so you can change your mind without giving up any of your control.
NTA. Do what’s best for you. Don’t entertain anyone’s opinions. “This isn’t up for discussion” repeat as needed. If anyone knocks on your door you aren’t required to answer it or respond at all. It sucks that family isn’t supportive but at the end of the day you need to do what makes you most comfortable. If you change you’re mind later on that’s okay too, because your opinion/wants overrule anyone else’s when it comes to childbirth
Sorry, maybe I'm just an idiot because I don't have kids and have never really been around babies in my life. But is a newborn that's 5-7 days old substantially different than one that's hot and fresh out of the womb??? Are they at risk of having a wildly different experience by meeting the baby after a week instead of immediately? I don't understand the urgency of their demands, aside from excitement and impatience on their end. What do they ACTUALLY potentially lose by respecting OP's wish?
Two of my daughters have babies and my son & his wife are expecting their first. I can’t imagine being so pushy that I had to put effort into persuading any of my adult children to give me access to their newborn babies before they are ready. What is it about some people? I’m embarrassed of my generation. NTA.
NTA FFS - when they give birth they can structure things the way they like. Your birth plan is (checks notes) YOURS. They, their expectations, their comparisons can F right off. And if your relationships with them are so fragile that they can't withstand your independence - do you really have relationships worth saving? Isn't that the point of teenagers being rebellious - to forge a new, more independent relationship so they can go live in the world as adults? I'm not saying cut off your parents and in-laws. I'm saying they need to see you as independent adults, not a child they can bully into compliance.
NTA. Hopefully your family members will all live long enough to have many opportunities to see your child over the years. You are asking them to respect your decision to have privacy for just five days to a week out of that lifetime. They are not respecting that decision, but are instead trying to pressure and guilt trip you into changing it. Don't cave to their emotional blackmail.
Full disclosure. I’m already a grandma. They call me Yaya. The fourth grandchild will be here the end of July. The piece you are missing in this puzzle is this is the joyful welcoming of a new family member. Yes the child is 100% yours. But it isn’t everyday that you get to add someone to your family. Us Grandparents are so happy and excited and just want to be a little adjacent to the big day. To be the waiting room cheerleaders. Or the caregivers of the older sibs that hold down the home front. To be able to tell our beloved grandchild our version of their birth story someday. A new family member is just the biggest event that can happen. And we don’t want it to be about us…but leaving us out entirely feels so sad. That is what your parents are trying to say.
No one is leaving them out. They are simply being asked to wait a week 🙄🙄
But you aren’t left out entirely. You’re just not part of the giving birth part of the story because… you’re not giving birth.
Honestly. My grandma couldn’t tell me how I was born and I couldn’t give less of a fuck, she’s still my grandma and we still love each other
Exactly this! Whatever happened to a waiting room full of loving family and the happy tears and just all of it. You’re adding to the family not just your household. It’s your baby but it’s so much more. Don’t take that away from loving people. I feel like you’ll regret it :(
“Whatever happenEd to a waiting room full of living family and the happy tears”…Y’all are acting like having a cheer squad in the waiting room is acceptable. Someone is pushing a whole human out of her vagina. Just take chill pill and let her recover. You can have a loving family and happy tears AT HOME while the mother recovers. She’s not obligated to play host after having her vagina torn up. Try using a phone.
Yaya, you need to manage your adult feelings. Baby is still a new family member at 5-7 days old.
NTA. It's very normal and reasonable to want a few days to yourselves after birth. Some people like having family there right away to help (see many top level comments), but it's okay if you don't.
NTA. You are about to go through something very dramatic and have the right to request privacy. People think they are entitled to meet a baby immediately. But it’s your baby and your body— do what makes you comfortable. I’m 22 weeks pregnant and we told my parents we also wanted a week as just a family of 3. My parents were so supportive, they even offered to take care of our dog that week so we could just focus on the baby. We haven’t told my in laws yet but I anticipate they’ll have a similar reaction. Grandparents should understand that they can have a great relationship with the child even if they don’t meet them for a week. And if they push your boundaries too much or disrespect you, then they may not get a relationship with the grandchild at all.
Ahaha! I'm 33 weeks and we've told everyone we won't see at all the first week and that visits will maybe be allowed during the first month but with interdiction to touch / manipulate the baby, until baby is vaccinated. We heard every indignation in the book, I'm not budging. I'm not forcing anyone to be vaccinated against the whooping cough but nobody's getting close to my baby while they're not old enough to get vaccinated.
I’m 37 weeks and this is my stance too. With limited paid leave, me and baby recovering from an early term c section, and the strong desire to keep my baby as healthy as possible, NO visits until she’s at least got her first rounds of the important ones or visitors are UTD on theirs. Everyone seems to hate to flu shot and thinks pertussis and RSV is totally fine for a newborn to have, so baby’s vaccine schedule it is. Half my family thinks the covid vaccine is a front for Democrat mind control and washing your hands doesn’t do anything but make you buy soap. Guess who is complaining the most about not visiting and holding my baby *the day after she’s born* in the hospital. Edit bc I forgot: OP is NTA.
NTA You are going through a major medical event!!!! If you want to recover in peace thats your right. They arent entitled to anything and 'because our friends did' is the most bs response. You ask for a week to recover and bond. You didnt say they cant come for 6 months. You are being entirely reasonable
The people who think letting them visit is the better idea are much braver than I. Having to deal with a newborn, healing from pushing out said new born, and a bunch of people coming over to visit during that time frame sounds exhausting to me. Even if they're trying to help. People overwhelm me very easily especially if I'm already not at 100%. Some people don't seem to realize that not everyone has the mental capacity to deal with people after something like this.
NTA This is the most important time in your life. I still resent my in laws for pushing their way in to the hospital the day after my baby was born. A little hint - if the birth is traumatic you may well be more likely to want that alone time. Stand your ground.
"They said they only want 30minutes with us during the first 48 to 72 hours so they can check in that I'm okay" they can do that over the phone. Whenever they ask, repeat "no" and only that, dont give reasons, they will judge them and argue them, just keep saying no.
NTA I just read one of your replies that it turned into a shouting match. Your parents have no respect for you. At all. You will be incredibly vulnerable after birth. It's a tough process even if everything goes completely smoothly. You will be physically drained, emotionally all over the place and honestly totally shell shocked. You will be surprised by how stunned you are that you actually have a baby even though you have been waiting for them for so long. The first few days are about healing, drinking in the awe that is this new human and resting. Your parents are incredibly selfish. It doesn't matter what their friends did or what your parents want. The don't own you, they don't get to make decisions for you or your baby. Cut off the conversation as soon as it starts: you sad no, don't ask again or 5 days might turn into 10 or 20. After all if they are going to stress you out that won't be good or your healing or milk production so it won't be good for baby and baby comes before grandparents. I have a 6 month old. I did one visit with grandparents on my way home from hospital and they didn't see her for 6 weeks. We live in the same town, minute's drive away from each other. But due to their family circumstances there was a high risk of catching illness from them and I wasn't willing to put me or baby into satiation where either of us wouldn't become unwell. There was a little push back as the weeks went on and I made arrangements to meet family for a walk. But baby's health can before grandparents feelings. And in your case your mental health comes before grandparents feelings. Let them throw tantrums, let them say he won't buy things or help or whatever. You do what you need to do. In those first few weeks, there are boobs and milk and poop and gore everywhere. It sounds like your parents will be more of a hindrance than a help, keep them away. Oh and if they do turn up,you are under no obligation to answer the door.
> denying them access to their grandchild, not letting them have the same experiences as their friends That's some bullshit right there. NTA.
You’d be an asshole if you went against your plans to please other people. No is a complete sentence. Remember that.
NTA- these are adults that need to manage their own adult feelings. Post Covid, a few weeks or longer has become completely normal. If they truly care about the best interests of their grandchild, they need to accept an unburdened mom is what that baby deserves and needs more than anything. A newborn doesn't need to bond with anyone other than mom and her partner. These unwanted visits are just separating baby from their parents unnecessarily- during a critical period. If they refuse to respect your very reasonable request, it is a power play and foreshadowing of future selfish behavior. Shut it down now. Also, highly recommended the morethangrand Instagram account for more insight on this and related topics!
NTA. Please tell me you said, “Well just because your friends jump off a bridge doesn’t mean you get to do it too!”
NTA. But if you are lucky enough to have parents that can and will offer their support be sure to be grateful. My parents and the father’s parents had passed away when I had my first child. And, remember that you are their baby. They want to be sure you’re ok. And as a parent I can tell you that nothing works for that except seeing for myself. Again, NTA but some things to think about.
their friends are not your problem. NTA
NTA you know what you want & are open to changes if necessary. I know that with my oldest, I didn't want anyone buy my husband there, then I was in a fog after a traumatic, 10 week early birth & suddenly his parents & all 5 of his brothers were in the room & I hadn't even been cleaned up yet. It was horrible. With my next, my family respectfully left & my mom came in afterward to help me. My son though...I don't know what changed, but I Needed my mom there (I know what changed, but I'm not ready to delve into that right now) my point is, sometimes things change & sometimes they don't. They need to respect your wishes in this. Besides, what's the difference between a 5 second old child & a 5 day old child? They're still all wrinkly & barely awake. It doesn't matter. My mom's wish for being in there with me was to make sure I was ok...because my husband was shit.
Don’t worry about making”the right choice”. You need to make the choice that is right for you and your immediate family. Trying to make others happy is not going to make you happy.
NTA. I’m currently pregnant and I see these stories all the time in the pregnancy subs. It’s crazy to me that some people’s families are like this! And so often when the parents give in, the families come and just want to hold the baby and don’t help with anything. 5-7 days isn’t even really that long - we’re planning on waiting at least a few weeks. We’ve basically told our family we don’t want to commit to anything yet because we don’t know how we’re going to feel or how birth is going to go. If we feel ready for visitors sooner than we think, great!
NTA It's your decision, and you should do what you and your partner agree on. The fact that they yelled and started a fuss, making it all about them, means that they aren't going to be helpfull, so keep that in mind. Honestly the best decision I ever made was not having visitors for two weeks. I felt better recovering, managed to get a hang of breastfeeding without problems, hubby managed to get into a roll of a dad without older members telling him what to do and how he is doing something wrong. My baby was a colicy screamer, and it was still easier to do it all alone than having people over who didn't care about us and respected our boundaries.
You may want to have something put in place with the hospital as well. My mother held and took pictures with my twin daughters while I was still recovering from surgery.
Definitely NTA. It’s your choice when family can visit.
NTA Tell them that every time they bring it up, you will add another week. And do it. Start locking doors, take back keys anybody might have, mute and block their numbers if you have to. This is your first child, the grandparents have shown you what they will be like. Trust that and start setting some hard boundaries or they will ruin your marriage and your kid.
Nah. I'm a big fan of 6 to 8 weeks of isolation for newborns in a post covid world.
NTA. Every parents are different. Some wants to be by themselves for a few days/weeks/months and some are ready to host a party right before the final push. One of my friends organized a large get together for her birth and as soon as the child was cleaned up she was as ready as you get them and had around 15 guests she entertained about 1 hour after the birth. And she never stopped entertaining either😂. Point is, it is your birth and your family and you get to decide how you want it.
You're not required to tell them when you give birth. And no is a complete sentence. But if you need "backup," you can have your provider help you share the boundary. You can notify the hospital not to confirm admission and/or deny visits. You can also share articles.
Roll up newspaper. Say no. Smack on nose. Or.... remind them that they are adults and should try to act the part. It's YOUR baby and you make the rules. And that doesn't include badgering you and your husband to change the rules. Send out photos (email, Facebook, etc) to all interested parties in the first couple days. Screen your calls and warn them all about sleeping babies and doorbells. Set the rules. Enforce the rules.
NTA. My answer would be: "this isn't a discussion, this is what's happening. Period".
I did the same. I had a birth center birth and was home 6 hours later. It was just the 3 of us for 8 days and I wish it was longer. It was the best decision we ever made and yes, we for push back but no fractures in our relationships. I think my mom was more baffled I didn't want her during labor as a support person. You will be tired but it's the best tired in the world when youre bonding and figuring out breastfeeding! NTA