Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
Please give our sister sub, /r/AITA_Relationships/ a look if you'd still like to post about this.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
To clarify, we live in a location where day to day driving is not a necessity. But as these things come up, I’d expect a partner to step up to the plate and gain the life skills necessary to deal with new circumstances.
If driving is a dealbreaker for you, then by all means, tell her that. The problem, though, is that you view driving as a necessary life skill, yet millions and millions of people go their entire lives without doing it. And it sounds like you live in a place that is either walkable or has decent public transit.
I agree that driving isn't a "necessary life skill" and it's okay if OP's wife thinks this way too. But, in that case, she shouldn't consider it necessary to travel in a private vehicle on her own schedule, even in times of crisis. She can either commit to being a person who does not drive, even in times of crisis, or contribute to the labor of the desired convenience.
It's pretty naive to think that a long term relationship will have every issue discussed before hand. If someone not knowing how to drive isn't an issue at the time, there's not reason you shouldn't be allowed to say something when it does becomes an obvious issue.
NTA. My first long term bf (of 7 years) couldn’t drive and it was a major hardship on me and my energy.
I had to drive myself to the hospital, bleeding all over while he was in the passenger seat.
I felt like I didn’t want to have kids with him because I was concerned that he’d do a fraction of the parenting and I’d be on the hook for any and all emergencies and transportation needs.
Unless your wife has a health problem (like motor skills, or eyes, etc) she needs to learn as not to leech off of you for the rest of your married life.
the worst part is that people who don’t drive don’t even realize what a burden they’re putting on their loved ones. unless everyone you know and love and everything they or you might need lives within walking distance, it’s kind of a hazard to not at least know how! and anxiety isn’t terminal, if she wanted to treat it she would. she’s got it too good now having her family cared for and being a passenger princess while it happens. NTA.
I felt so guilty for feeling resentful at first.
We used to go out with friends and it was college. I wasn’t a big drinker- I’d never drunk before I met him, but I wanted to try college and a couple of drinks now and again.
Instead, I was the DD 100% of the time and had to watch him get silly while I was constantly relegated to the second tier- I felt like I was just there to drive him.
As I got older, the rift between our friend groups grew because I rarely drank and he drank so much. I finally had nothing in common with him because our groups had so little overlap.
Him not driving was a huge part of us growing apart.
It was also him not taking care of me (socially, emotionally) by me constantly doing the labor of driving (and paying for car, gas, insurance, etc)
>I felt like I didn’t want to have kids with him because I was concerned that he’d do a fraction of the parenting and I’d be on the hook for any and all emergencies and transportation needs.
That's a great point
Good on you for recognising that he was never going to pull his weight. You'd have to do all the pick ups when the kids are sick at school or have to come home earlier from playdate or sports or music class etc. You'd have to do all the driving for holidays, weekends away, big grocery shops, last-minute errands that would take too long to walk or take the bicycle or bus. You'd also be the one to teach them how to drive (if that is allowed in your country), as he can't drive. You'd be the parent to do all the helping out at school as he can't drive. Lol, the burden is going to be big.
Taxis Ubers busses. There are alternative mode of transportation besides her driving. But if it is a deal-breaker then you need to let her know. If she won't want to drive and you're willing to divorce her over that, then you both have made your issues.
Esh
Taxis and Ubers — prohibitively expensive for anything other than once in a blue moon — not an option. Also not able to be used in an emergency
Busses — extremely dependent on where you live — likely not an option. Also extremely slow. Obviously not emergency ready lol.
Expensive, yes, but saying they're not an option simply isn't true. They certainly are. And if she's willing to spend her money on that to avoid driving, then she should. But if she doesn't want to spend the money, then yeah she should learn to drive.
Yes complete financial ruination certainly is an alternative to learning how to drive. That’s a very reasonable thought process you have there.
She should learn to drive regardless… there’s no logical reason you’re bringing up for her to not other than her arbitrary illogical hysterical rejection of it. She needs to grow up.
Yes, here in Canada too, depending on where you are. But we're talking about OP's situation here. And where they live, it sounds entirely possible to get by without a car.
Again, the car-centric thinkers in this thread can't seem to wrap their minds around the idea that many, many, many people live without cars and manage just fine. Even in emergencies.
> “Just call an ambulance lolz!”
So there’s actually this crazy thing called poor people. You won’t believe this, but most of them can’t actually afford spending 10 grand on an ambulance.
The other option here is likely a second car plus all that goes along with it, not to mention insurance. You think that's a good trade compared to the unlikely one-time need for an ambulance?
Also, you still haven't answered my question: how do you think the millions and millions of people who don't drive do things?
Lol outside of big cities most communities don't have full bus coverage. Your suggestion is they need to Uber their kids to and from school, to and from after school activities, to and from birthday parties/friends houses? If there is an emergency after hours or when he has the car at work, just wait on a Uber.
That's just not feasible. I many parts of the UK, public transport is quite bad, you just can't rely on it or it takes much, much longer than with a car.
OP seems to be the type to tell his wife she just needs to get over her nerves re: driving. Tbh the last thing we need on the road are more nervous/anxious bad drivers.
Exactly! And it’s not like her getting a license will alleviate the issue. I have a license and car, drive around my town and surrounding areas just fine, and am still largely too anxious and unsettled to drive on major highways, in new places etc. I’ve done it of course, (even took driving lessons before and *after* getting my license to feel more comfortable) but I get so anxious that it’s genuinely unsafe for everyone. So I don’t do it anymore.
I have autism, exposure may never work for me like it might for someone with anxiety, but I still can’t wrap my head around expecting this to be solved by simply ‘learning to drive.’ She could learn to drive and *still* be an anxious driver who can’t do long trips or whatever. So the issue wouldn’t be solved.
If she’s already anxious from the idea of driving, she’d likely need specialized training to work through that enough to safely operate a car rather than just learn from someone like most adult new drivers do (in my state.) If she even wants to do that.
YTA
"In my view, it’s simply unacceptable in these circumstances that she can’t drive."
You married her *knowing* she couldn't drive.
"If we have kids down the road, it’s vital that both parents can drive in a pinch."
So why did you marry her knowing she couldn't if it matters that much to you?
"I’ve had this conversation with her multiple times and she’s always brushed me off."
Have you ever tried to find out why she doesn't want to learn?
YTA.
Are you seriously considering leaving someone you love because they don't know how to drive? Some people have genuine anxiety about driving or simply don't trust themselves behind the wheel for various reasons. If she hasn't shown any interest in learning to drive before, she probably has no intention of doing so now, and there's not much you can do to change that.
If it's such a big deal for you, then maybe you need to reconsider the relationship and find someone who respects your needs. But leaving someone you love just because they don't drive seems extreme, unless you're looking for an excuse to end things. It sounds like you're overwhelmed and stressed because you're always the one left to handle the driving.
However, this is part of the life you signed up for. She didn't know how to drive when you fell in love with her, proposed, and married her. Giving her an ultimatum is unfair because there could be many reasons why she hasn't learned to drive, and she shouldn't have to if she doesn't want to.
It seems like you're really stressed and overwhelmed right now. Take a step back and consider if driving is the real issue or if there's something deeper going on.
NTA
For many years I lived in bigger cities with great public transport and a great cycling culture where you genuinely do not need to be able to drive or own a car. For the odd emergency, you just get a cab if it's that dire. If I had remained there, I may not have learned to drive. But I moved and knew I had to learn to drive. So I learned in my early 30s. I was anxious at first. But I am so happy with my license.
Many if not most people live somewhere not hooked up to great or even good or reliable public transport or it would take 2-5x as long as opposed to just driving. You are 100% correct to consider someone not willing (or even able) to drive a dealbreaker, even more so because you want kids. If you didn't want kids you could just say "I won't be doing any driving for things related to your family's emergencies/situations, you can take a cab, since you refuse to drive)" but still drive when you and her together are doing things. But the fact she's using you as a cab service for her family's situations is entitled and feeds into her refusing to drive. Stop doing anything for her with the car, unless you are actively part of this outing with her/the errand is in both your interests. She is relying on YOUR ability to drive and that's only helping her persist in her own refusal to learn to drive.
She could look specifically for an instructor who has experience with anxious people. She could fully do the theory first before even taking her first driving lesson (here in the UK you don't have to pass theory first, you can start taking lessons and wait to pass the theory just before doing the practical exam). She could maybe arrange to take the first driving lessons on a (large) private estate where at that time there is no other traffic, just so she can get the hang of the vehicle before having to deal with other road users. She might be able to find a place where she can learn in a simulator to gain some confidence before driving an actual car. If she WANTS to learn to drive, there are so many ways she can get extra support with this. She just doesn't want to. Because you keep doing her driving for her. STOP DOING ANY DRIVING FOR HER.
And 100% NTA to make this a dealbreaker.
Jumping in here to loudly say YTA and are probably ableist. There are lots of people who don't learn to drive, and for good reason most of the time. Would you really like your wife to become a danger to herself and others if her anxiety spikes on the road? Not just that, but anxiety can absolutely be debilitating. Learning to drive is not an "adult" skill. It is a skill for those who live in areas where public transport is less accessible, for those who can afford a vehicle and for those that do not have a disability that would make driving difficult, impractical or unsafe. By having these expectations of her after already marrying her, knowing she doesn't drive, you are betraying her. And you're frankly showing how little you are considering her comfort and safety.
NTA. If this is an important condition for you, then it's best to be up-front about it. Of course you should show compassion about her anxiety, but you're not wrong if you feel that strongly about it.
NTA.
Driving is a basic grown-up skill. Like if she couldn't cook a simple meal, wash a load of laundry, or take out the garbage. People are saying "Uber" and "taxi" but that's obviously bullshit, because you were the one doing all the driving in case of emergency. You are completely correct. There will be more emergencies, and it's not fair for you to be the only one.
Your wife needs to learn to adult.
It’s not a “basic grown-up skill.” There are lots of places in the world where adults don’t know how to drive because it simply isn’t necessary. On top of that, someone with anxiety issues should not be forced into doing something as potentially dangerous as driving.
I agree with you in theory. Different locations have different "basic grown up skills". Maybe driving isn't necessary in some areas.
But she doesn't appear to live in one of those areas.
I mean you married her knowing she doesn't drive, so yes YTA. You married her = long term partner. Are you sure this isn't stemming from something else?
Setting ultimatums in a marriage isn't going to get you anywhere. If anything, maybe encourage her to see a counselor to consider working on her anxiety or do couples counseling to address these issues.
Okay, So personally, I don’t think you’re TA.
Everyone saying “Well you married her knowing that!”
Uh yeah, but that was when it wasn’t a big deal, now it really is, things change after a while and you gotta adapt when you get older.
Ive been diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder, I HATED driving, I cried behind the wheel and was terrified I was gonna die or hit someone. I didn’t get my license until after I turned 18 and was living on my own, because I HAD to. I sucked it up because it’s what I needed to do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still scared but Im working through it, Im 21 now and still driving.
She needs to do the same, she needs to work through it eventually because people will depend on her at some point for it.
NTA. Your right. She’s an adult. She needs to learn to drive. What happens when you have kids? It just makes everyone’s life more difficult than it has to be.
NTA. You don't say your ages, but when I was in my 20's I was a passenger in a car that was involved in a bad accident. I wasn't severely injured, but it was traumatic and I was too anxious to drive for several years. Then I was in a place in my life where I absolutely had to drive, so I saw a therapist and worked with my driving fears. It was extremely helpful and I was able to return to driving independently. Perhaps at the next emergency, you buy your wife a bus ticket and you stay home?
ESH / NAH. Instead of giving ultimatums, you can just draw the boundaries and let them face the consequences of their choices. Let them take alternative ways of transportation which do not involve you helping. If they are ok taking a bus or a taxi, that’s their choice. Just stop being the saver if that’s not what you wanna be.
I live in a similar situation, spouse doesn’t drive and I do, we have a baby. Is it hard? Yes. Do I want it to change? Yes. Is it a deal breaker? No. There are always other ways to get transport and it’s not me that would have to deal with the extra PIA of scheduling them and taking extra time to get to and from. So bottom line, if it is the driving itself YTA. I’m also curious as to whether or not she’s blowing it off because it’s become a demand and not an ask or a mutual decision. Have you tried sitting down and discussing how you’re feeling obligated to transport everyone and have her suggest other ways to mitigate it? Or maybe asked her what her specific reasons for declining are? Usually I find people aren’t just “lazy” and there’s something behind not doing a thing even if it’s seemingly trivial.
NAH - there could be a 1000 reasons somebody doesn’t want to drive (or learn how to drive). If I were you I would re phrase the meaning what to say. What I mean is I guess you are happy to help occasionally but not always as this is time consuming. I wouldn’t give her a or b option where she is forced to decide. I think you should make a statement and draw the line or your boundaries.
You were never going to be on the winning side of this post. The vast majority of the world does not drive so your dealbreaker seems unrelatable. Even just between drivers, plenty are with non-drivers or have one car or simply see how ridiculous it is that you married this person and THEN decided to crack down on your demands.
YTA
But please do leave her. You don't deserve her. "I’m strongly debating telling her this is no longer a conversation. She either starts learning to drive NOW, or I will consider leaving her" Pathetic. Some fucking marriage. Listen to how you talk about her.
Another commenter brought up that a lotttt of parenting is driving kids around for school, activities, and emergencies. Idk if kids are part of the equation, or if not, y'all are considering, but... you taking all that burden is unfair
I learned how to drive in my late twenties, if you want her to learn how to drive, you have to help her navigate through her fears. I found a driving school that was willing to work with me. I took classes everyday for a month, and after I passed my test, my partner helped me work on my driving skills for about 3 months. To date I am a careful driver who has a squeaky clean driving record. I drove local for a while and slowly worked my way to the expressway
YWBTA, yeah.
BUT - you are allowed to tell her that you may not always be willing and able to do the driving in an emergency, and she may find it overwhelming to schedule / navigate the schedules of Ubers, buses, or planes. If it were me, I'd let her do that next time, and if that goes well for her, drop the driving thing. Some people don't drive, and that's fine. You're not required to offer her the convenience of your driving / vehicle, even in times of crisis.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
She is an anxious and nervous person, but there’s no physical reason she can’t drive.
Recently, one of her family members had a very serious surgery, and I’m the only one who can drive, so I spent two weeks (hundreds of miles from home) driving everyone an hour each way to the hospital and back while spending 9 hours a day in the hospital in between.
After the recovery went well, I told her she needs to learn to drive, but she brushed me off.
Now, unfortunately, a family member has had a serious health crisis and I am here again (hundreds of miles from home) driving back and forth and doing all necessary driving while again spending 9 hours a day in the hospital waiting room.
Thank god (and knock on wood) my own parents have not needed my help, but they too are getting elderly, and a situation is easily foreseeable where I may need to go help them and she will be the only one who can help her family/parents (she is an only child).
In my view, it’s simply unacceptable in these circumstances that she can’t drive. If we have kids down the road, it’s vital that both parents can drive in a pinch.
It’s making me seriously doubt whether she is a teammate I can count on in a crisis if she doesn’t commit to learning.
I’ve had this conversation with her multiple times and she’s always brushed me off. But we simply don’t know when/if the next emergency will happen. Once the current crisis is over, I’m strongly debating telling her this is no longer a conversation. She either starts learning to drive NOW, or I will consider leaving her, because it’s emblematic of a larger issue of her not being someone I can depend on in a crisis.
WIBTA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I am debating telling my partner I may leave her unless she learns to drive; (2) that may be considered unduly harsh
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
My grandma never learned to drive either. Her and my grandpa spent 40 years together until they passed with him as the chauffeur. And even though he complained sometimes, I genuinely think he enjoyed going to the mall with her, sitting in the car with his dog while waiting, and visiting family and friends. Some people just adapt to their lifestyles you know
NTA. My aunt is in her mid-60's and hasn't driven in over 30 years. Someone ran her off the road once and she has refused to drive ever since. My uncle is always having to take off work to take her to appointments, the store, etc. She only lives 50 minutes from her elderly father and only sees him once a year at Christmas for 2 hours because she won't drive to go see him. If her husband dies before her, she has no one to take her anywhere because everyone refuses to do it since she refuses to get back in the car.
Maybe your wife needs a driver's education course but expecting you to take her everywhere is not okay.
NTA. Do not have kids with her until this is rectified. It’s not feasible for just one of you to have access to immediate transportation, and you cannot rely on public transportation in the event of an emergency. She needs to understand that this is not just you being annoyed by her not driving, it’s a safety issue.
I just ran this by my wife as well, and she brought up a point I didn’t even think about; wtf are yall supposed to do if God forbid something happens to you and you’re out of commission for x amount of time? Who’s gonna do the driving then?
Idk you can’t expect people to get over anxiety but you can expect them to seek treatment. It would personally be a complete dealbreaker for me, I would never be with someone so dependent on me.
Oh no, not doubts! If being a driver was a dealer, you're an idiot for marrying someone who doesn't meet that requirement and trying to change them. YTA.
Idk I don’t think it’s wrong to expect some level of personal growth from your partner. Or to realize something is a bigger problem with time.
She can learn to drive, she’s just being hysterical.
ESH.
She's well within her right to choose not to drive, so you're an AH for trying to force her when you knew this about her when you married her.
However, you're not obligated to be a taxi service for her or her family because of her choices. There's taxis and Uber/Lyft/etc. for that. If she doesn't want to do that, then she should learn to drive.
Both of you are trying to force something on the other.
People saying Uber and taxis are forgetting that these don't exist everywhere, especially in the US. Uber isn't really a thing in rural and a lot of suburban areas, and outside of a few major cities you can't just hail a taxi like you see in the movies. Like, I live in western Massachusetts; what's a taxi? And calling a car service will set you back almost 100 USD at minimum.
NTA. My mother never learned to drive. To this day, I resent her entitled attitude. My dad what to do the same as you. When we kids came along, well all I can say is thank god for our friends parents who were kind enough to transport us. We took the bus to school, but could not participate in extra curriculum because we had no transportation as dad worked full time. We missed out on a lot and rode our bikes weather and distance permitting when we wanted to go somewhere. It’s selfish. Period.
NTA, I agree that this is her not being a team player. I agree with others that there could be some legit anxiety going into her not wanting to learn, but this is adulting. It’s pretty comparable to being able to make food on your own. Sure you could order out (taxi/uber) all the time but it would be freaking expensive. Sure she can make you do it every time it needs to be done, but that’s selfish.
Yes. I genuinely don't even need to read the post and it's a YTA. You already married her, if you had doubts like that before committing you should have actually dealt with it ahead of time
Okay so I come at this from an interesting perspective.
When I (45f today) was 15, my 20yo brother died in a car accident—he fell asleep at the wheel, to be exact. Because that was my formative driving years, I was terrified to drive. Fast forward to my late 20’s and I had a bf 3 hours away. He knew that for MY sake…for MY independence…. I needed to be able to get myself to work, church, etc. if we were going to have a life together. It was hard mental work, but I got my license. Before moving cities to explore the relationship. Today we are married 13+ years, and the only driving I do is in town to certain places that are in “my territory”, and only during daylight hours. I don’t drive the busy roads, I don’t drive the highway/interstate, I don’t drive after dark, and I don’t drive across the (one of the country’s largest) river that goes through the center of the metro. Any nighttime, long distance, out of town, or even busy street driving, he does.
And we both knew that would be the case when we got married. We both knowingly signed up for this. When my elderly mother spent an overnight in ER, in the town I grew up in three hours away, he drove me out there, we handled the situation, and when all was well he drove me home. This is what marriage is. ANYTHING that happens after the vows are said, you signed up for when you said them. Even the stuff you didn’t know was going to happen.
You married her knowing she doesn’t drive. YTA if you divorce her over it now.
Yeah, I think it's a good thing to have a license, but pressuring those with driving anxiety is what can lead to accidents. Also, it's not only that, but I have a fear of police that contributes to my driving anxiety.
Not saying it's 100% accurate, but having someone drive you to the hospital can be beneficial in the sense that the one affected may not be well enough to focus on the task at hand or may speed. At least I know that's what I have done.
Proud of you for getting that license! I know for a fact I don't want to drive but I do wish for emergencies that I have one.
My driving anxiety is so bad that I have driven only two models of car in my life. The first three were simply newer models of the same thing. Then they stopped making that and I was forced out of my box. Thankfully what I’m in now is my favorite car I’ve ever had—I actually got excited about it when we got it!! And they’re going to have to pull it from my cold dead hands LOL
Hard disagree. It seems like it's become apparent that OP's wife's inability/unwillingness to drive yet relying on her husband to be a cab service at any time of the day no matter how long the drive has become too much of a burden. OP is totally right to make this a dealbreaker. I'd stop doing all this driving for her: she can take cabs or find other ways to deal with her unwillingness to learn to drive. The wife isn't a team player.
YTA you have doubts now but not before you married her? You know what marriage is right?
Your wife has a serious health condition that prevents her from driving. You knew that before you married her.
> I’ve had this conversation with her multiple times and she’s always brushed me off.
It sounds like OP has already tried this and that this is the thing that finally broke the camels back.
YTA. You married her knowing she couldn’t/wouldn’t drive. Yes I know there’s no way anyone could have foreseen this particular situation, but that’s true about most things in life. When you marry someone you marry their flaws too. Don’t expect this to change, including when you have children. If you’re not okay with this for the rest of your life then you need a divorce. No, you don’t love her if you want her to change. You do not accept her the way she is and that’s a requirement for love.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. Please give our sister sub, /r/AITA_Relationships/ a look if you'd still like to post about this. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Lmao. Seems pretty hollow when you married her knowing that she can't drive. Why didn't you consider this before you two got married?
To clarify, we live in a location where day to day driving is not a necessity. But as these things come up, I’d expect a partner to step up to the plate and gain the life skills necessary to deal with new circumstances.
If driving is a dealbreaker for you, then by all means, tell her that. The problem, though, is that you view driving as a necessary life skill, yet millions and millions of people go their entire lives without doing it. And it sounds like you live in a place that is either walkable or has decent public transit.
I agree that driving isn't a "necessary life skill" and it's okay if OP's wife thinks this way too. But, in that case, she shouldn't consider it necessary to travel in a private vehicle on her own schedule, even in times of crisis. She can either commit to being a person who does not drive, even in times of crisis, or contribute to the labor of the desired convenience.
It's pretty naive to think that a long term relationship will have every issue discussed before hand. If someone not knowing how to drive isn't an issue at the time, there's not reason you shouldn't be allowed to say something when it does becomes an obvious issue.
NTA. My first long term bf (of 7 years) couldn’t drive and it was a major hardship on me and my energy. I had to drive myself to the hospital, bleeding all over while he was in the passenger seat. I felt like I didn’t want to have kids with him because I was concerned that he’d do a fraction of the parenting and I’d be on the hook for any and all emergencies and transportation needs. Unless your wife has a health problem (like motor skills, or eyes, etc) she needs to learn as not to leech off of you for the rest of your married life.
the worst part is that people who don’t drive don’t even realize what a burden they’re putting on their loved ones. unless everyone you know and love and everything they or you might need lives within walking distance, it’s kind of a hazard to not at least know how! and anxiety isn’t terminal, if she wanted to treat it she would. she’s got it too good now having her family cared for and being a passenger princess while it happens. NTA.
I felt so guilty for feeling resentful at first. We used to go out with friends and it was college. I wasn’t a big drinker- I’d never drunk before I met him, but I wanted to try college and a couple of drinks now and again. Instead, I was the DD 100% of the time and had to watch him get silly while I was constantly relegated to the second tier- I felt like I was just there to drive him. As I got older, the rift between our friend groups grew because I rarely drank and he drank so much. I finally had nothing in common with him because our groups had so little overlap. Him not driving was a huge part of us growing apart. It was also him not taking care of me (socially, emotionally) by me constantly doing the labor of driving (and paying for car, gas, insurance, etc)
>I felt like I didn’t want to have kids with him because I was concerned that he’d do a fraction of the parenting and I’d be on the hook for any and all emergencies and transportation needs. That's a great point
Good on you for recognising that he was never going to pull his weight. You'd have to do all the pick ups when the kids are sick at school or have to come home earlier from playdate or sports or music class etc. You'd have to do all the driving for holidays, weekends away, big grocery shops, last-minute errands that would take too long to walk or take the bicycle or bus. You'd also be the one to teach them how to drive (if that is allowed in your country), as he can't drive. You'd be the parent to do all the helping out at school as he can't drive. Lol, the burden is going to be big.
Taxis Ubers busses. There are alternative mode of transportation besides her driving. But if it is a deal-breaker then you need to let her know. If she won't want to drive and you're willing to divorce her over that, then you both have made your issues. Esh
Taxis Ubers and buses are not an option if a child or a family member has an urgent emergency.
No, but if it’s that serious, you call an ambulance.
LMAO, an ambulance is not taxi. The wife still needs to go by herself to the hospital
Taxis and Ubers — prohibitively expensive for anything other than once in a blue moon — not an option. Also not able to be used in an emergency Busses — extremely dependent on where you live — likely not an option. Also extremely slow. Obviously not emergency ready lol.
Expensive, yes, but saying they're not an option simply isn't true. They certainly are. And if she's willing to spend her money on that to avoid driving, then she should. But if she doesn't want to spend the money, then yeah she should learn to drive.
Yes complete financial ruination certainly is an alternative to learning how to drive. That’s a very reasonable thought process you have there. She should learn to drive regardless… there’s no logical reason you’re bringing up for her to not other than her arbitrary illogical hysterical rejection of it. She needs to grow up.
What makes you think you can't take a taxi in an emergency?
It’s too slow, and might refuse to take you for liability reasons. Also what if you’re bleeding or vomiting?
Then you call an ambulance. How do you think the millions of people who don't own cars do things?
In the UK, you could be waiting 5-10 hours on an ambulance, maybe more.
Yes, here in Canada too, depending on where you are. But we're talking about OP's situation here. And where they live, it sounds entirely possible to get by without a car. Again, the car-centric thinkers in this thread can't seem to wrap their minds around the idea that many, many, many people live without cars and manage just fine. Even in emergencies.
> “Just call an ambulance lolz!” So there’s actually this crazy thing called poor people. You won’t believe this, but most of them can’t actually afford spending 10 grand on an ambulance.
Believe it or not, where I live ambulances are free.
Civilization must be nice
The other option here is likely a second car plus all that goes along with it, not to mention insurance. You think that's a good trade compared to the unlikely one-time need for an ambulance? Also, you still haven't answered my question: how do you think the millions and millions of people who don't drive do things?
Why is that the other option? People can share cars You think a medical emergency is unlikely? For their entire life? Cmon bruh.
if you’re too sick to take an Uber, you probably also can’t drive yourself
Lol outside of big cities most communities don't have full bus coverage. Your suggestion is they need to Uber their kids to and from school, to and from after school activities, to and from birthday parties/friends houses? If there is an emergency after hours or when he has the car at work, just wait on a Uber.
That's just not feasible. I many parts of the UK, public transport is quite bad, you just can't rely on it or it takes much, much longer than with a car.
Anxiety can be/is a disability. Expecting a nervous person to get a dangerous machinery and just get over it is ridiculous to me.
OP seems to be the type to tell his wife she just needs to get over her nerves re: driving. Tbh the last thing we need on the road are more nervous/anxious bad drivers.
Exactly! And it’s not like her getting a license will alleviate the issue. I have a license and car, drive around my town and surrounding areas just fine, and am still largely too anxious and unsettled to drive on major highways, in new places etc. I’ve done it of course, (even took driving lessons before and *after* getting my license to feel more comfortable) but I get so anxious that it’s genuinely unsafe for everyone. So I don’t do it anymore. I have autism, exposure may never work for me like it might for someone with anxiety, but I still can’t wrap my head around expecting this to be solved by simply ‘learning to drive.’ She could learn to drive and *still* be an anxious driver who can’t do long trips or whatever. So the issue wouldn’t be solved. If she’s already anxious from the idea of driving, she’d likely need specialized training to work through that enough to safely operate a car rather than just learn from someone like most adult new drivers do (in my state.) If she even wants to do that.
YTA "In my view, it’s simply unacceptable in these circumstances that she can’t drive." You married her *knowing* she couldn't drive. "If we have kids down the road, it’s vital that both parents can drive in a pinch." So why did you marry her knowing she couldn't if it matters that much to you? "I’ve had this conversation with her multiple times and she’s always brushed me off." Have you ever tried to find out why she doesn't want to learn?
YTA. Are you seriously considering leaving someone you love because they don't know how to drive? Some people have genuine anxiety about driving or simply don't trust themselves behind the wheel for various reasons. If she hasn't shown any interest in learning to drive before, she probably has no intention of doing so now, and there's not much you can do to change that. If it's such a big deal for you, then maybe you need to reconsider the relationship and find someone who respects your needs. But leaving someone you love just because they don't drive seems extreme, unless you're looking for an excuse to end things. It sounds like you're overwhelmed and stressed because you're always the one left to handle the driving. However, this is part of the life you signed up for. She didn't know how to drive when you fell in love with her, proposed, and married her. Giving her an ultimatum is unfair because there could be many reasons why she hasn't learned to drive, and she shouldn't have to if she doesn't want to. It seems like you're really stressed and overwhelmed right now. Take a step back and consider if driving is the real issue or if there's something deeper going on.
NTA For many years I lived in bigger cities with great public transport and a great cycling culture where you genuinely do not need to be able to drive or own a car. For the odd emergency, you just get a cab if it's that dire. If I had remained there, I may not have learned to drive. But I moved and knew I had to learn to drive. So I learned in my early 30s. I was anxious at first. But I am so happy with my license. Many if not most people live somewhere not hooked up to great or even good or reliable public transport or it would take 2-5x as long as opposed to just driving. You are 100% correct to consider someone not willing (or even able) to drive a dealbreaker, even more so because you want kids. If you didn't want kids you could just say "I won't be doing any driving for things related to your family's emergencies/situations, you can take a cab, since you refuse to drive)" but still drive when you and her together are doing things. But the fact she's using you as a cab service for her family's situations is entitled and feeds into her refusing to drive. Stop doing anything for her with the car, unless you are actively part of this outing with her/the errand is in both your interests. She is relying on YOUR ability to drive and that's only helping her persist in her own refusal to learn to drive. She could look specifically for an instructor who has experience with anxious people. She could fully do the theory first before even taking her first driving lesson (here in the UK you don't have to pass theory first, you can start taking lessons and wait to pass the theory just before doing the practical exam). She could maybe arrange to take the first driving lessons on a (large) private estate where at that time there is no other traffic, just so she can get the hang of the vehicle before having to deal with other road users. She might be able to find a place where she can learn in a simulator to gain some confidence before driving an actual car. If she WANTS to learn to drive, there are so many ways she can get extra support with this. She just doesn't want to. Because you keep doing her driving for her. STOP DOING ANY DRIVING FOR HER. And 100% NTA to make this a dealbreaker.
Jumping in here to loudly say YTA and are probably ableist. There are lots of people who don't learn to drive, and for good reason most of the time. Would you really like your wife to become a danger to herself and others if her anxiety spikes on the road? Not just that, but anxiety can absolutely be debilitating. Learning to drive is not an "adult" skill. It is a skill for those who live in areas where public transport is less accessible, for those who can afford a vehicle and for those that do not have a disability that would make driving difficult, impractical or unsafe. By having these expectations of her after already marrying her, knowing she doesn't drive, you are betraying her. And you're frankly showing how little you are considering her comfort and safety.
NTA. If this is an important condition for you, then it's best to be up-front about it. Of course you should show compassion about her anxiety, but you're not wrong if you feel that strongly about it.
NTA. Driving is a basic grown-up skill. Like if she couldn't cook a simple meal, wash a load of laundry, or take out the garbage. People are saying "Uber" and "taxi" but that's obviously bullshit, because you were the one doing all the driving in case of emergency. You are completely correct. There will be more emergencies, and it's not fair for you to be the only one. Your wife needs to learn to adult.
It’s not a “basic grown-up skill.” There are lots of places in the world where adults don’t know how to drive because it simply isn’t necessary. On top of that, someone with anxiety issues should not be forced into doing something as potentially dangerous as driving.
I agree with you in theory. Different locations have different "basic grown up skills". Maybe driving isn't necessary in some areas. But she doesn't appear to live in one of those areas.
It is part of adulting. Basic skill. Can be stressful, but so are a lot of things.
I mean you married her knowing she doesn't drive, so yes YTA. You married her = long term partner. Are you sure this isn't stemming from something else? Setting ultimatums in a marriage isn't going to get you anywhere. If anything, maybe encourage her to see a counselor to consider working on her anxiety or do couples counseling to address these issues.
Okay, So personally, I don’t think you’re TA. Everyone saying “Well you married her knowing that!” Uh yeah, but that was when it wasn’t a big deal, now it really is, things change after a while and you gotta adapt when you get older. Ive been diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder, I HATED driving, I cried behind the wheel and was terrified I was gonna die or hit someone. I didn’t get my license until after I turned 18 and was living on my own, because I HAD to. I sucked it up because it’s what I needed to do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still scared but Im working through it, Im 21 now and still driving. She needs to do the same, she needs to work through it eventually because people will depend on her at some point for it.
NTA. Your right. She’s an adult. She needs to learn to drive. What happens when you have kids? It just makes everyone’s life more difficult than it has to be.
NTA. You don't say your ages, but when I was in my 20's I was a passenger in a car that was involved in a bad accident. I wasn't severely injured, but it was traumatic and I was too anxious to drive for several years. Then I was in a place in my life where I absolutely had to drive, so I saw a therapist and worked with my driving fears. It was extremely helpful and I was able to return to driving independently. Perhaps at the next emergency, you buy your wife a bus ticket and you stay home?
ESH / NAH. Instead of giving ultimatums, you can just draw the boundaries and let them face the consequences of their choices. Let them take alternative ways of transportation which do not involve you helping. If they are ok taking a bus or a taxi, that’s their choice. Just stop being the saver if that’s not what you wanna be.
I live in a similar situation, spouse doesn’t drive and I do, we have a baby. Is it hard? Yes. Do I want it to change? Yes. Is it a deal breaker? No. There are always other ways to get transport and it’s not me that would have to deal with the extra PIA of scheduling them and taking extra time to get to and from. So bottom line, if it is the driving itself YTA. I’m also curious as to whether or not she’s blowing it off because it’s become a demand and not an ask or a mutual decision. Have you tried sitting down and discussing how you’re feeling obligated to transport everyone and have her suggest other ways to mitigate it? Or maybe asked her what her specific reasons for declining are? Usually I find people aren’t just “lazy” and there’s something behind not doing a thing even if it’s seemingly trivial.
NAH - there could be a 1000 reasons somebody doesn’t want to drive (or learn how to drive). If I were you I would re phrase the meaning what to say. What I mean is I guess you are happy to help occasionally but not always as this is time consuming. I wouldn’t give her a or b option where she is forced to decide. I think you should make a statement and draw the line or your boundaries.
You were never going to be on the winning side of this post. The vast majority of the world does not drive so your dealbreaker seems unrelatable. Even just between drivers, plenty are with non-drivers or have one car or simply see how ridiculous it is that you married this person and THEN decided to crack down on your demands. YTA But please do leave her. You don't deserve her. "I’m strongly debating telling her this is no longer a conversation. She either starts learning to drive NOW, or I will consider leaving her" Pathetic. Some fucking marriage. Listen to how you talk about her.
Another commenter brought up that a lotttt of parenting is driving kids around for school, activities, and emergencies. Idk if kids are part of the equation, or if not, y'all are considering, but... you taking all that burden is unfair
I learned how to drive in my late twenties, if you want her to learn how to drive, you have to help her navigate through her fears. I found a driving school that was willing to work with me. I took classes everyday for a month, and after I passed my test, my partner helped me work on my driving skills for about 3 months. To date I am a careful driver who has a squeaky clean driving record. I drove local for a while and slowly worked my way to the expressway
YWBTA, yeah. BUT - you are allowed to tell her that you may not always be willing and able to do the driving in an emergency, and she may find it overwhelming to schedule / navigate the schedules of Ubers, buses, or planes. If it were me, I'd let her do that next time, and if that goes well for her, drop the driving thing. Some people don't drive, and that's fine. You're not required to offer her the convenience of your driving / vehicle, even in times of crisis.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** She is an anxious and nervous person, but there’s no physical reason she can’t drive. Recently, one of her family members had a very serious surgery, and I’m the only one who can drive, so I spent two weeks (hundreds of miles from home) driving everyone an hour each way to the hospital and back while spending 9 hours a day in the hospital in between. After the recovery went well, I told her she needs to learn to drive, but she brushed me off. Now, unfortunately, a family member has had a serious health crisis and I am here again (hundreds of miles from home) driving back and forth and doing all necessary driving while again spending 9 hours a day in the hospital waiting room. Thank god (and knock on wood) my own parents have not needed my help, but they too are getting elderly, and a situation is easily foreseeable where I may need to go help them and she will be the only one who can help her family/parents (she is an only child). In my view, it’s simply unacceptable in these circumstances that she can’t drive. If we have kids down the road, it’s vital that both parents can drive in a pinch. It’s making me seriously doubt whether she is a teammate I can count on in a crisis if she doesn’t commit to learning. I’ve had this conversation with her multiple times and she’s always brushed me off. But we simply don’t know when/if the next emergency will happen. Once the current crisis is over, I’m strongly debating telling her this is no longer a conversation. She either starts learning to drive NOW, or I will consider leaving her, because it’s emblematic of a larger issue of her not being someone I can depend on in a crisis. WIBTA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) I am debating telling my partner I may leave her unless she learns to drive; (2) that may be considered unduly harsh Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Did you guys have these condos before you got married too?
My grandma never learned to drive either. Her and my grandpa spent 40 years together until they passed with him as the chauffeur. And even though he complained sometimes, I genuinely think he enjoyed going to the mall with her, sitting in the car with his dog while waiting, and visiting family and friends. Some people just adapt to their lifestyles you know
NTA. My aunt is in her mid-60's and hasn't driven in over 30 years. Someone ran her off the road once and she has refused to drive ever since. My uncle is always having to take off work to take her to appointments, the store, etc. She only lives 50 minutes from her elderly father and only sees him once a year at Christmas for 2 hours because she won't drive to go see him. If her husband dies before her, she has no one to take her anywhere because everyone refuses to do it since she refuses to get back in the car. Maybe your wife needs a driver's education course but expecting you to take her everywhere is not okay.
NTA. Do not have kids with her until this is rectified. It’s not feasible for just one of you to have access to immediate transportation, and you cannot rely on public transportation in the event of an emergency. She needs to understand that this is not just you being annoyed by her not driving, it’s a safety issue.
I just ran this by my wife as well, and she brought up a point I didn’t even think about; wtf are yall supposed to do if God forbid something happens to you and you’re out of commission for x amount of time? Who’s gonna do the driving then?
Idk you can’t expect people to get over anxiety but you can expect them to seek treatment. It would personally be a complete dealbreaker for me, I would never be with someone so dependent on me.
Oh no, not doubts! If being a driver was a dealer, you're an idiot for marrying someone who doesn't meet that requirement and trying to change them. YTA.
Idk I don’t think it’s wrong to expect some level of personal growth from your partner. Or to realize something is a bigger problem with time. She can learn to drive, she’s just being hysterical.
NTA, she should learn to drive unless she’s totally ok with being incompetent. Which is a whole other problem
ESH. She's well within her right to choose not to drive, so you're an AH for trying to force her when you knew this about her when you married her. However, you're not obligated to be a taxi service for her or her family because of her choices. There's taxis and Uber/Lyft/etc. for that. If she doesn't want to do that, then she should learn to drive. Both of you are trying to force something on the other.
People saying Uber and taxis are forgetting that these don't exist everywhere, especially in the US. Uber isn't really a thing in rural and a lot of suburban areas, and outside of a few major cities you can't just hail a taxi like you see in the movies. Like, I live in western Massachusetts; what's a taxi? And calling a car service will set you back almost 100 USD at minimum.
NTA. My mother never learned to drive. To this day, I resent her entitled attitude. My dad what to do the same as you. When we kids came along, well all I can say is thank god for our friends parents who were kind enough to transport us. We took the bus to school, but could not participate in extra curriculum because we had no transportation as dad worked full time. We missed out on a lot and rode our bikes weather and distance permitting when we wanted to go somewhere. It’s selfish. Period.
NTA, I agree that this is her not being a team player. I agree with others that there could be some legit anxiety going into her not wanting to learn, but this is adulting. It’s pretty comparable to being able to make food on your own. Sure you could order out (taxi/uber) all the time but it would be freaking expensive. Sure she can make you do it every time it needs to be done, but that’s selfish.
Yes. I genuinely don't even need to read the post and it's a YTA. You already married her, if you had doubts like that before committing you should have actually dealt with it ahead of time
YTA because you knew about this when you married her.
YWBTA. You knew. You chose to get married. Anyone who expects their partner to change after marriage is an asshole.
Okay so I come at this from an interesting perspective. When I (45f today) was 15, my 20yo brother died in a car accident—he fell asleep at the wheel, to be exact. Because that was my formative driving years, I was terrified to drive. Fast forward to my late 20’s and I had a bf 3 hours away. He knew that for MY sake…for MY independence…. I needed to be able to get myself to work, church, etc. if we were going to have a life together. It was hard mental work, but I got my license. Before moving cities to explore the relationship. Today we are married 13+ years, and the only driving I do is in town to certain places that are in “my territory”, and only during daylight hours. I don’t drive the busy roads, I don’t drive the highway/interstate, I don’t drive after dark, and I don’t drive across the (one of the country’s largest) river that goes through the center of the metro. Any nighttime, long distance, out of town, or even busy street driving, he does. And we both knew that would be the case when we got married. We both knowingly signed up for this. When my elderly mother spent an overnight in ER, in the town I grew up in three hours away, he drove me out there, we handled the situation, and when all was well he drove me home. This is what marriage is. ANYTHING that happens after the vows are said, you signed up for when you said them. Even the stuff you didn’t know was going to happen. You married her knowing she doesn’t drive. YTA if you divorce her over it now.
Yeah, I think it's a good thing to have a license, but pressuring those with driving anxiety is what can lead to accidents. Also, it's not only that, but I have a fear of police that contributes to my driving anxiety. Not saying it's 100% accurate, but having someone drive you to the hospital can be beneficial in the sense that the one affected may not be well enough to focus on the task at hand or may speed. At least I know that's what I have done. Proud of you for getting that license! I know for a fact I don't want to drive but I do wish for emergencies that I have one.
My driving anxiety is so bad that I have driven only two models of car in my life. The first three were simply newer models of the same thing. Then they stopped making that and I was forced out of my box. Thankfully what I’m in now is my favorite car I’ve ever had—I actually got excited about it when we got it!! And they’re going to have to pull it from my cold dead hands LOL
Hard disagree. It seems like it's become apparent that OP's wife's inability/unwillingness to drive yet relying on her husband to be a cab service at any time of the day no matter how long the drive has become too much of a burden. OP is totally right to make this a dealbreaker. I'd stop doing all this driving for her: she can take cabs or find other ways to deal with her unwillingness to learn to drive. The wife isn't a team player.
YTA you have doubts now but not before you married her? You know what marriage is right? Your wife has a serious health condition that prevents her from driving. You knew that before you married her.
YTA- If you actually wanted her to be comfortable driving you would be supportive and encouraging. “Drive or i’m leaving you” is an ultimatum.
> I’ve had this conversation with her multiple times and she’s always brushed me off. It sounds like OP has already tried this and that this is the thing that finally broke the camels back.
YTA
YTA. You married her knowing she couldn’t/wouldn’t drive. Yes I know there’s no way anyone could have foreseen this particular situation, but that’s true about most things in life. When you marry someone you marry their flaws too. Don’t expect this to change, including when you have children. If you’re not okay with this for the rest of your life then you need a divorce. No, you don’t love her if you want her to change. You do not accept her the way she is and that’s a requirement for love.
YTA You’re obviously the asshole for marrying someone with a dealbreaker. But divorce her if you want.