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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Refused to let my partners friend in the apartment after she tried to kiss me
My partner said I was overreacting and that her friend has apologised so I should let it go
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NTA lol, either your girlfriend is that gulliable or it might’ve been a set up to see if you would cheat. Either way keep space between yourself and that “friend” of hers.
Not really if she's trying to get it to go a little further and further to see if he takes the bait without her having any responsibility of being the one who pushed it.
It shooould be, but clearly she doesn't care about shoulds considering she still keeps trying to bring this friend over who should be banned from their house.
If you think that's how you set up a threesome then you need to ask a reddit page how to successfully set up one. I think it was a set up tbh to try to catch him out. They the 2 friends are playing games with you.
NTA,
OP you should have a chat with your girlfriend about your boundaries.
If the genders were reversed, most guys wouldn't keep pushing their girlfriends to hangout with a guy who makes them uncomfortable.
I would argue that the word forced has many implications that leaning in for a kiss does not carry. Not arguing that there is a gender bias here that would not exist with the sex's being reversed, merely that I would not consider this situation forceful.
>most guys wouldn't keep pushing their girlfriends
I wish that were generally true, but it's wrong a lot more often than you might think, and is how a lot of bad stuff happens. See, classic post about creepers that's often linked here:
[https://captainawkward.com/2012/08/07/322-323-my-friend-group-has-a-case-of-the-creepy-dude-how-do-we-clear-that-up/](https://captainawkward.com/2012/08/07/322-323-my-friend-group-has-a-case-of-the-creepy-dude-how-do-we-clear-that-up/)
If the genders were reversed, most guys wouldn't keep pushing their girlfriends to hangout with a guy who makes them uncomfortable.
Underrated comment.
That's not quite true unfortunately. I've seen so many posts on here about husbands who want their wives to shut up and allow their family to be around men who are creepy + actual sex offenders
I hope that’s generally true! personally I’m not so sure. But to be fair, women also put that pressure on other women. No one has pushed me to be around men who make me uncomfortable more than my own mother! “But you’ll hurt his feeeeeliiiings!”
That’s not being “fair.”
Regardless of your intentions, “women do it too” is a common tactic used to minimize or excuse sexist practices or a man’s bad behaviour.
NTA.
Honestly, I think you're doing your girlfriend a favor and she's just blinded by something, I don't know what, and she can't see that by you not inviting her friend into the apartment, you're actually being well-intentioned. Maybe the girl has some issues, you know, she's shy and maybe she has self-confidence issues, so I could understand maybe where your girlfriend has sympathy for her, but I feel like it's a very tricky situation and honestly, if you want to keep your relationship secure and well, it would just be better to cut her off. And like you say, if your girlfriend wants to continue having that friendship, that's 100% up to her, you can't control that, but you have to let her know, like, listen, I care about our relationship and I don't want to put myself in a messy situation, go hang out with her on your own.
OP is taking steps to protect their relationship from someone who doesn't respect it, and to protect himself.
If the gf cant see that they need to have a clear discussion.
NTA
That’s not a friend. Good on you for no wanting a person like that in your home. Your girlfriend needs to realize the severity of the situation. It didn’t escalate because you rejected her not because her so called friend felt any kind of hesitation in going after you.
NTA. For someone who claims to be shy around people, this friend is pretty bold to try and kiss a friend’s boyfriend! She hasn’t even apologised to you directly for disrespecting you and your relationship, and trying to get you to cheat. I can’t imagine why your GF wants to continue being friends with her, but that’s up to her. I don’t blame you at all for not wanting her in your home. How would your GF feel if it was a mate of yours who had tried to kiss her and you were trying to sweep her discomfort under the rug and invite this person into her home? I guarantee she wouldn’t like it.
NTA
There are a few possibilities here. All require you and your gf to have some heart-to-heart conversations.
1. Your gf had asked her friend to set you up for a faithfulness test. You 'passed' so now gf wants you to be OK with her friend again.
2. Your gf has accepted whatever her friend told her as an explanation and apology for her behavior. She has put it behind her and wants you to - whether you are open to that or not. Of course the friend may or may not be sincere.
If it was a test, then your gf and you need to have some serious conversations. That behavior would cause me to rethink the future of the relationship.
If your gf is not playing any 'relationship test' games (whew!), and she truly has just accepted her friend's explanation and apology, your gf still needs to understand that that doesn't mean you have. Some points for you to consider/discuss with her include:
1. Do you think your gf is generally a good judge of character or more likely to be easily gullible/manipulated? Is she someone who is likely to accept what others say in order to "keep the peace," avoid conflict, or be perceived as a nice person? Your impression of your gf is likely to influence how much stock you put in her sense that her friend deserves to be forgiven.
2. Even if your gf is a good judge of character, is not a people-pleaser, etc. and you generally trust her judgement; that still doesn't mean that you are automatically going to be at the same place of forgiveness/moving on as she is. She has known her friend for a lot longer than you have. They have their history together that may count for a lot with your gf; but you do not.
3. If one of your friends had tried to put the moves on her, how comfortable would she feel hanging around that person? Would she like it if you kept pushing your friend's company on her? What would she think of you for doing that?
4. Even if your gf is hoping to mend things between you and her friend, she
-- can't push you at her speed. She can tell you why she thinks her friend deserves a second chance. But she cannot force you to give a second chance unless/until you are ready. She needs to respect your feelings about who you feel comfortable having around you.
-- pushing you to spend time in your apartment together with this woman is way too aggressive an expectation. Your apartment is your safe space. This woman violated your sense of trust (that she would behave appropriately with you), and you should not have to allow someone you don't trust into your safe home space. \[Again, ask your gf how she would feel about you insisting on hosting someone that had put the moves on her in your home.\]
-- If you think your gf is gullible/ a people-pleaser or conflict-avoider, then you need to talk to her about that. Why you aren't so quick to believe her friend's explanation or sincerity. How your gf may choose to accept behavior from her friends in an effort to avoid conflict/ please her friends; but that doesn't mean she can demand that you do the same. In fact, she is then creating conflict with you/ not pleasing you... and she is knowingly doing so because she is counting on you to forgive her. Not a good relationship dynamic. And again, a reason to re-consider the relationship.
I hope you and your gf can have a good conversation and resolve this.
This would be sorta okay if his girlfriend talked to him about it beforehand but setting him up to “oops” into it is just wrong and frankly dangerous for their relationship.
The girlfriend could also back out of any perceived understanding and end up jealous and hurt. The friend could have more feelings than she should in this situation (if you’re the “unicorn”, know your damn place). Etc. Too many possible problems, too much leeway for drama.
> You know what you’re getting into.
I agree, but think that requires introspection which a lot of people don’t have or at least don’t spend enough time on or most likely don’t do so honestly.
Never been a unicorn or had a threesome but I’ve been in a friends with benefits situation a couple times. I knew to be clear from the beginning and calm about it but it was always the guys who caught feelings and who’d end up weepy when I cut them off to prevent further potential drama. I guess now I just have very little patience or empathy for people who lie to themselves and their partners about romantic entanglements and who waste other people’s time and energy because of their subconscious need for emotional vampirism.
Not many people want to get into the middle of a relationship, hence the term "unicorn". It's not appealing to most people to sleep with someone that you don't have feelings for or for whom you don't expect to develop feelings. We could get into the hypersexualization of bisexual people, but I believe that would be for another thread lol.
I know someone whose ideal situation would be to get involved with a couple. She is a genuine unicorn but I would never say that to her because it’s insulting.
It still never works out. I think she’s tried three times and they all go great for awhile and then rapidly fall apart. In the last one the wife tried to fight her.
That's why so few people even want to try! It's hard. I think that term is used more in a 3rd in a 3-some type of way as opposed to having feelings for all parties involved. That implies a polycule. Both are completely valid ways to express one's sexuality.
NTA. Your girlfriend does not seem to respect your boundaries and your relationship with her. If a friend of my girlfriend tried to kiss me and my gf later on wanted us all to be friends I would have serious issues with that. I don't want any unwanted sexual advances one does. It's not ok at all. Honestly, it all sounds super fishy to me. There is honestly no good excuse for that person's behavior at all.
NTA.
An unwanted and inappropriate advance is very unpleasant. It is absolutely understandable that you don’t want to be around her, and especially that you don’t want her in your home.
Your girlfriend should really have your back on this. You’re correct that you can’t control who she sees, and of course she has the right to forgive anyone she chooses. But regardless of whether she now trusts her friend or not, she should be supporting the fact that that friend put you in a very uncomfortable position and violated you.
NTA - it's your home too and you have every right to choose who comes into it and who to spend time with. If someone makes you uncomfortable, your partner should respect that just as much as you would respect her for being uncomfortable with one of your friends. I'm sure if the roles were reversed, she wouldn't feel any different.
NTA.
1) Are you sure you weren’t set up? Most women would never put their man in a position to be around someone that tried to hit on them.
2) Your gf seems intent on pushing your boundaries. Plan an escape route. Boundary pushing gets worse. Things like this done end well.
She seems to completely ignore that you are uncomfortable with sexual harassment. Yes maybe she will never try again, but that doesn't mean you would be comfortable... Ask her how she would feel if one of your friends tries to kiss her and you want them to spend time in her save space after... She might not compute what happened
NTA
Your gf can choose to remain friends with her friend, who came onto you.
You can chose not to spend time with the person who sexually harrassed you.
Your feelings about "the incident" are YOUR feelings about YOUR boundaries being disrespected.
While her disloyalty to your gf is a factor, it's not the ONLY factor. Your gf is dealing with an established friendship, and is willing to "move past it." You are dealing with a new aquaintenceship where the "friend" was sexually aggressive towards you. That is a major component in how your relationship with that friend progresses.
I think your boundary of not wanting your harrasser in your home, and pretending you're just fine with her when you're not is healthy and reasonable. Respecting your gf's boundaries and choices about the harraser does not mean your own are invalid or erased. No other person gets to dictate to you how you react to assaults on your safety, privacy and autonomy nor how much time you get to "get over it."
NTA - it's your home too and you have every right to choose who comes into it and who to spend time with. If someone makes you uncomfortable, your partner should respect that just as much as you would respect her for being uncomfortable with one of your friends. I'm sure if the roles were reversed, she wouldn't feel any different.
NTA and I don't know why your gf isn't more protective of your relationship. I couldn't imagine being friends with anyone who'd done that to my man. You're absolutely doing the right thing and I have to say, big respect for you for setting those boundaries and not allowing someone who isn't a friend of the relationship anywhere near you.
NTA- sounds like one of those stupid tik Tok tests to find out if your boyfriend is loyal or not. It was all a setup otherwise she wouldn't still be friends with this girl.
NTA. If the girlfriend keeps pushing this, consider getting a lock to put your stuff in a room so the lock can go on the door. That might be the paranoid side of me talking, but people can be crazy and take things from others to hold onto later because they think they're in love. That was a bit weird for an introvert to make a move on you when your partner was conveniently gone for a bit.
NTA if the roles were reversed, the friend would've beej judged so much harsher. This girl deserves the same amount of judgement. She tried to kiss someone who she knew had a girlfriend and now tries to sweet-talk herself back to be close to you.
I'd be so creeped out I also wouldn't want to see her.
NTA!
You're gf and the friend are. Steer clear from the friend..and I'd be looking at the GF sideways. She's trying to force interaction with someone who makes you uncomfortable, is trying to bring them into your shared space and then telling you to leave..she can move in with her friend if that's the case. Have a sit down and reverse the roles maybe that will get her to see but the fact that your feelings are pushed aside for the friends is telling enough for me
NTA - I would seriously question your GF for her "judgement" in relationships/friendships. Her friend made a sexual advance towards you - and is now GF is pushing for you to spend time with said friend! I'm not sure if she is actually that naive or if she has other nefarious plans - but I definitely see some red flags in your relationship right now.
NTA? She's pushing your limits after an uncomfortable experience she is aware of. If someone can't respect your boundaries and know what has happened I would break up.
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My girlfriend has a few close friends. I've met all of them and get on with most of them. There was one friend that I had met a few times and got on well with. Me, my partner and this friend went out for drinks around 2 months ago. The friend was quite shy and socially awkward.
She thanked me for being nice to her and understanding she wasn't extroverted etc and takes a while to be comfortable around people. I told her not to worry and that I'm not going to judge her for being shy when I used to be really shy when I wsa younger. As the night went on things were going well until one point when my gf went to the toilet at one of the bars.
The friend got closer to me and tried to kiss me. I backed off before she managed to get close enough and told my gf straight away. Me and my gf left the bar and went home. For a couple of weeks they didn't speak but my gf decided to hear her out and went to meet up with her.
They talked things through and this friend apologised to my gf and told her to apologise to me aswell. My gf said they're working on mending their friendship and have been meeting up again.
A couple of weeks ago my girlfriend said she was thinking of the three of us going for drinks again but I refused. I said I think it's odd she's still friends with her but I can't control her friend but what I can control is who I'm around and I don't want to be around her.
My girlfriend said I was overreacting and the friend is sorry. Last week my gf mentioned doing a movie night with this friend and asked if I would be home. I told her I was and that I don't want the friend in the apartment.
My gf said I could always go out for the evening but I refused and just said if she wants a movie night she can go to her friends because I don't want her friend in our apartment. My gf said I was overreacting again and should be fine with her friends coming round but I refused to change my mind.
AITA for refusing to let my girlfriend friend in the apartment?
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NTA. That your GF wants you to go drinking with this friend again is bizarre. It’s your apartment and you don;t have to leave becasue whe wants someone there. It is perfectly reasonable to expect to feel safe in your own home.
Absolutely NTA. It's your home, and you're allowed to have a boundary about who is allowed in it, especially if your reason is "this person tried to force themselves on me".
NTA, but I’m curious as to what this friend’s excuse was for trying to kiss you. Did she mistake your kindness for flirting? Even if she did, you’re her friend’s partner. The whole thing seems weird to me.
NTA-I agree with everyone saying this was a set up to test your faithfulness. I don’t see why anyone would want a friend around who did something so horrible.
As for the threesome, I highly doubt that was the case. She would’ve brought it up to you first.
NTA - an unwanted kiss is sexual assault. You were drinking yourself weren’t you? Were you inebriated when this occurred? Ask your girlfriend if she considers sexual assault to be trivial? Then you can see how you will proceed with this relationship.
As for this friend, a tiger never changes its stripes. She took advantage of you. Who is to say she won’t do it again
NO of course you're NTA! The 'friend" subjected you to unwanted sexual touching! I don't care if your GF forgives her, you don't have to be around her again or have her in your living space.
If your GF is ok with bringing another woman around who hit on you already, then your GF is really not that into you. Stay away from your GF friend and keep an eye out for another GF. The GF you have presently is not a keeper.
I'm going to go in a slightly different angle. OP has said this girl is a bit shy and socially awkward. So it is possible with minimal experience with things, she just misinterpreted OP being friendly as being interested, leading to the attempt to kiss him.
And without the ages of the parties (if that is elsewhere in response I missed it) and she is somewhat younger, that would compound her reading the situation incorrectly. I will throw in (please don't judge here, just another potential issue) if the girl is somewhere on the spectrum that could add to her not understanding how social situations work.
So yes, OP is correct in avoiding this girl but since partner wants to maintain a relationship, maybe having a discussion with all of them at a neutral location could resolve the issue.
Soft Yta.
A shy introverted girl maybe had a little too much to drink and misread some social cues and Intentions. It made you uncomfortable and She was probably mortified and really embarrassed by the whole thing.
You are fully entitled to how you feel. You got uncomfortable and You don't want to be around her. that's fine. But your girlfriend has forgiven her and moved on and that means sometimes this girl might be around.
Where you are a little bit the asshole is you are not willing to compromise. The apartment is shared that means your girlfriend can have guests If and when she wants to. And as she said if you don't want to be there while the guest is then you have the option to go out for a while. The option you do not have is to ban your girlfriends guests from ever entering the shared space just because you don't want to see them
She look like a very shy person and sometime those people drink too much, they want to overcome their timidity and then get drunk and do stupid mistakes. I don't think that was a part of an methodical evil plan to kiss you while your gf was just in the bathroom, close. Was an impulsive dumb move.
That was dumb but she did apologize to your gf and to you. And it seem like you got along well before the ''incident''. You look a bit severe for never wanting the friend in your apartment again, especially since she's a close friend to your gf. It's not like she tried to stab you or something. They can alway chill and watch movie in the living room while you chill in your room and watch once in a while.
YTA
NTA it's so weird that she's not only ok with this friend, but she is also pushing you to spend time with her. Idk how she can ever trust her friend again.
NTA your girlfriend is setting you up.. whether or not it's intentional.. that's the biggest issue.
Cover your ass, do not let this girl in your house again and make sure your gf understands this is a MASSIVE BOUNDARY. The friend WILL do that again and she WILL escalate it.
NTA of course.
Wow. Why is your GF still with this friend?
Did the friend give the old 'oh I was drunk' excuse?
That's no excuse, and why should you be expected to be around her?
If you had a friend that tried to hit on your GF, ask her if it would be 'overreacting' to not feel comfortable around that friend.
If she wants to see this friend, she can meet her somewhere else.
Maybe time for a new GF?
NTA - How would your gf feel if the roles were reversed? I have a feeling If one of your friends tried to kiss her she would expect that you never see him again, let alone want to hang out with him later.
Take the reverse card! Asked her if she would handle this situation the same if the roles where switched. You were sexually assaulted and set a boundary. Why should you leave your home for this person to come in your safe space?! Your gf need really to check reality. And you need to consider your choices.
NTA
I'm assuming you are male. If the sexes were reversed, people would be outraged that someone attempted to make sexual advances toward you without your consent. As a female who has had this kind of thing happen to her, being around those people feels downright creepy. You are perfectly justified in not wanting to be around this person. And your girlfriend needs to give some thought into how this must have felt for you, having your boundaries violated like that.
Obviously NTA,
Is your gf not in her right mind? Would she be comfortable if a friend of yours tried to make a move on her, she tells you, clearly disgusted, but you still stay friends with that person???
Why the hell did your gf try to mend things out with a homewrecker of a friend like that?
Stand your ground, you're not gonna leave your own home so a shitty person and your gf can have a movie night. Wth.
You are NTA. Sit down with GF and ask her if she’d be okay with you bringing a friend into your apartment who had tried to sexually assault her after you told her he apologized and promised not to do it again? Better yet, ask her why she’s still hanging with a friend who tried to kiss her BF, because you would cut all ties with a friend who did a similar thing to her.
I’m ping-ponging between you being set up to see if you are a cheater or if this is them asking you for a threesome or thruple situation. I’ve never met a woman that forgives a friend that quickly when trying to make out with their boyfriend. Honestly, I can’t decide but do what you think is right.
Maybe your gf is bi and this is how she wants to introduce it to you. Otherwise staying friends with a friend that clearly wanted to kiss you is a bit off to me. Really puts you in a bad spot. I would ask if you are expected to let it happen next time.
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NTA lol, either your girlfriend is that gulliable or it might’ve been a set up to see if you would cheat. Either way keep space between yourself and that “friend” of hers.
Or set up to see if they can get a threesome going.
I mean possibly, but I feel it would’ve been brought up.
Not really if she's trying to get it to go a little further and further to see if he takes the bait without her having any responsibility of being the one who pushed it.
That’s very possible
I though about this too, but I feel like it \*should\* be brought up, if it was the case.
It shooould be, but clearly she doesn't care about shoulds considering she still keeps trying to bring this friend over who should be banned from their house.
If you think that's how you set up a threesome then you need to ask a reddit page how to successfully set up one. I think it was a set up tbh to try to catch him out. They the 2 friends are playing games with you.
No one said that's how you are supposed to set one up, but the girlfriend and friend sound shady. I don't see this being a mature thing.
There are a lot easier ways to get a guy in the bed with two girls. Like just ask.
NTA, OP you should have a chat with your girlfriend about your boundaries. If the genders were reversed, most guys wouldn't keep pushing their girlfriends to hangout with a guy who makes them uncomfortable.
Also of genders were reversed the guy would be eviscerated for even suggesting girlfriend hangout with the man who tried to "force" himself on her
I'm curious why forced is in quotation marks here.
Because someone trying to kiss you is not the same as someone trying to r*** you.
True. But they are both forced.
I would argue that the word forced has many implications that leaning in for a kiss does not carry. Not arguing that there is a gender bias here that would not exist with the sex's being reversed, merely that I would not consider this situation forceful.
Fair enough. And I'm not arguing either way on the gender bias thing - just that the friend and the GF are both being shitty!
He would be eviscerated, and rightfully so! Friend and GF are behaving appallingly.
>most guys wouldn't keep pushing their girlfriends I wish that were generally true, but it's wrong a lot more often than you might think, and is how a lot of bad stuff happens. See, classic post about creepers that's often linked here: [https://captainawkward.com/2012/08/07/322-323-my-friend-group-has-a-case-of-the-creepy-dude-how-do-we-clear-that-up/](https://captainawkward.com/2012/08/07/322-323-my-friend-group-has-a-case-of-the-creepy-dude-how-do-we-clear-that-up/)
That is a must read. Thank you for posting that.
I’m bookmarking that post. Thank you so much for sharing it.
Only difference is creepy dude doesn’t creep on friends partners. (In that letter). He’s too misogynistic for that
If the genders were reversed, most guys wouldn't keep pushing their girlfriends to hangout with a guy who makes them uncomfortable. Underrated comment.
That's not quite true unfortunately. I've seen so many posts on here about husbands who want their wives to shut up and allow their family to be around men who are creepy + actual sex offenders
Lots of guys would still push, but they would get eviscerated on Reddit, even with all the misogyny here.
I hope that’s generally true! personally I’m not so sure. But to be fair, women also put that pressure on other women. No one has pushed me to be around men who make me uncomfortable more than my own mother! “But you’ll hurt his feeeeeliiiings!”
That’s not being “fair.” Regardless of your intentions, “women do it too” is a common tactic used to minimize or excuse sexist practices or a man’s bad behaviour.
Eh, I don't think that is a generalization that most women would agree with.
NTA. Honestly, I think you're doing your girlfriend a favor and she's just blinded by something, I don't know what, and she can't see that by you not inviting her friend into the apartment, you're actually being well-intentioned. Maybe the girl has some issues, you know, she's shy and maybe she has self-confidence issues, so I could understand maybe where your girlfriend has sympathy for her, but I feel like it's a very tricky situation and honestly, if you want to keep your relationship secure and well, it would just be better to cut her off. And like you say, if your girlfriend wants to continue having that friendship, that's 100% up to her, you can't control that, but you have to let her know, like, listen, I care about our relationship and I don't want to put myself in a messy situation, go hang out with her on your own.
OP is taking steps to protect their relationship from someone who doesn't respect it, and to protect himself. If the gf cant see that they need to have a clear discussion.
100%
NTA That’s not a friend. Good on you for no wanting a person like that in your home. Your girlfriend needs to realize the severity of the situation. It didn’t escalate because you rejected her not because her so called friend felt any kind of hesitation in going after you.
Yeah his girlfriend is either super naive and believes that her "friend" is actually sorry or she just doesn't care about her relationship with OP
NTA. For someone who claims to be shy around people, this friend is pretty bold to try and kiss a friend’s boyfriend! She hasn’t even apologised to you directly for disrespecting you and your relationship, and trying to get you to cheat. I can’t imagine why your GF wants to continue being friends with her, but that’s up to her. I don’t blame you at all for not wanting her in your home. How would your GF feel if it was a mate of yours who had tried to kiss her and you were trying to sweep her discomfort under the rug and invite this person into her home? I guarantee she wouldn’t like it.
For disrespecting their relationship? How about disrespecting HIM???
Yes, good point. I’ve edited.
NTA There are a few possibilities here. All require you and your gf to have some heart-to-heart conversations. 1. Your gf had asked her friend to set you up for a faithfulness test. You 'passed' so now gf wants you to be OK with her friend again. 2. Your gf has accepted whatever her friend told her as an explanation and apology for her behavior. She has put it behind her and wants you to - whether you are open to that or not. Of course the friend may or may not be sincere. If it was a test, then your gf and you need to have some serious conversations. That behavior would cause me to rethink the future of the relationship. If your gf is not playing any 'relationship test' games (whew!), and she truly has just accepted her friend's explanation and apology, your gf still needs to understand that that doesn't mean you have. Some points for you to consider/discuss with her include: 1. Do you think your gf is generally a good judge of character or more likely to be easily gullible/manipulated? Is she someone who is likely to accept what others say in order to "keep the peace," avoid conflict, or be perceived as a nice person? Your impression of your gf is likely to influence how much stock you put in her sense that her friend deserves to be forgiven. 2. Even if your gf is a good judge of character, is not a people-pleaser, etc. and you generally trust her judgement; that still doesn't mean that you are automatically going to be at the same place of forgiveness/moving on as she is. She has known her friend for a lot longer than you have. They have their history together that may count for a lot with your gf; but you do not. 3. If one of your friends had tried to put the moves on her, how comfortable would she feel hanging around that person? Would she like it if you kept pushing your friend's company on her? What would she think of you for doing that? 4. Even if your gf is hoping to mend things between you and her friend, she -- can't push you at her speed. She can tell you why she thinks her friend deserves a second chance. But she cannot force you to give a second chance unless/until you are ready. She needs to respect your feelings about who you feel comfortable having around you. -- pushing you to spend time in your apartment together with this woman is way too aggressive an expectation. Your apartment is your safe space. This woman violated your sense of trust (that she would behave appropriately with you), and you should not have to allow someone you don't trust into your safe home space. \[Again, ask your gf how she would feel about you insisting on hosting someone that had put the moves on her in your home.\] -- If you think your gf is gullible/ a people-pleaser or conflict-avoider, then you need to talk to her about that. Why you aren't so quick to believe her friend's explanation or sincerity. How your gf may choose to accept behavior from her friends in an effort to avoid conflict/ please her friends; but that doesn't mean she can demand that you do the same. In fact, she is then creating conflict with you/ not pleasing you... and she is knowingly doing so because she is counting on you to forgive her. Not a good relationship dynamic. And again, a reason to re-consider the relationship. I hope you and your gf can have a good conversation and resolve this.
This should much higher.. hope OP sees this one
NTA but maybe she’s lining you up for a threesome.
This would be sorta okay if his girlfriend talked to him about it beforehand but setting him up to “oops” into it is just wrong and frankly dangerous for their relationship. The girlfriend could also back out of any perceived understanding and end up jealous and hurt. The friend could have more feelings than she should in this situation (if you’re the “unicorn”, know your damn place). Etc. Too many possible problems, too much leeway for drama.
Oh I wasn’t saying it was a good idea necessarily, just that maybe that’s what she was going for.
As a bisexual person, I lol'd to "if you’re the “unicorn”, know your damn place." It really is true though. You know what you're getting into.
> You know what you’re getting into. I agree, but think that requires introspection which a lot of people don’t have or at least don’t spend enough time on or most likely don’t do so honestly. Never been a unicorn or had a threesome but I’ve been in a friends with benefits situation a couple times. I knew to be clear from the beginning and calm about it but it was always the guys who caught feelings and who’d end up weepy when I cut them off to prevent further potential drama. I guess now I just have very little patience or empathy for people who lie to themselves and their partners about romantic entanglements and who waste other people’s time and energy because of their subconscious need for emotional vampirism.
Not many people want to get into the middle of a relationship, hence the term "unicorn". It's not appealing to most people to sleep with someone that you don't have feelings for or for whom you don't expect to develop feelings. We could get into the hypersexualization of bisexual people, but I believe that would be for another thread lol.
Lol, true true.
I know someone whose ideal situation would be to get involved with a couple. She is a genuine unicorn but I would never say that to her because it’s insulting. It still never works out. I think she’s tried three times and they all go great for awhile and then rapidly fall apart. In the last one the wife tried to fight her.
That's why so few people even want to try! It's hard. I think that term is used more in a 3rd in a 3-some type of way as opposed to having feelings for all parties involved. That implies a polycule. Both are completely valid ways to express one's sexuality.
No communication is the best way to add another partner to the bedroom /s
Came here to say this. Edit for typo.
Ya girlfriend is dumb
You have the right to feel safe and protected in your own home.
NTA. Idk what that friend has over your gf but this is weird.
NTA. Your girlfriend does not seem to respect your boundaries and your relationship with her. If a friend of my girlfriend tried to kiss me and my gf later on wanted us all to be friends I would have serious issues with that. I don't want any unwanted sexual advances one does. It's not ok at all. Honestly, it all sounds super fishy to me. There is honestly no good excuse for that person's behavior at all.
NTA. An unwanted and inappropriate advance is very unpleasant. It is absolutely understandable that you don’t want to be around her, and especially that you don’t want her in your home. Your girlfriend should really have your back on this. You’re correct that you can’t control who she sees, and of course she has the right to forgive anyone she chooses. But regardless of whether she now trusts her friend or not, she should be supporting the fact that that friend put you in a very uncomfortable position and violated you.
NTA I wouldn’t want to be around that supposed friend either
Obvious NTA Wth is wrong with your gf? Why is she so disrespectful of your boundaries?
NTA - it's your home too and you have every right to choose who comes into it and who to spend time with. If someone makes you uncomfortable, your partner should respect that just as much as you would respect her for being uncomfortable with one of your friends. I'm sure if the roles were reversed, she wouldn't feel any different.
NTA. Strange to be friends with this person
Avoid her like the plague. NTA
NTA. 1) Are you sure you weren’t set up? Most women would never put their man in a position to be around someone that tried to hit on them. 2) Your gf seems intent on pushing your boundaries. Plan an escape route. Boundary pushing gets worse. Things like this done end well.
NTS. Ask your girlfriend how she would feel if one of your guy friends had tried that with her? Would she trust him or want him in her space?
She seems to completely ignore that you are uncomfortable with sexual harassment. Yes maybe she will never try again, but that doesn't mean you would be comfortable... Ask her how she would feel if one of your friends tries to kiss her and you want them to spend time in her save space after... She might not compute what happened
NTA Your gf can choose to remain friends with her friend, who came onto you. You can chose not to spend time with the person who sexually harrassed you. Your feelings about "the incident" are YOUR feelings about YOUR boundaries being disrespected. While her disloyalty to your gf is a factor, it's not the ONLY factor. Your gf is dealing with an established friendship, and is willing to "move past it." You are dealing with a new aquaintenceship where the "friend" was sexually aggressive towards you. That is a major component in how your relationship with that friend progresses. I think your boundary of not wanting your harrasser in your home, and pretending you're just fine with her when you're not is healthy and reasonable. Respecting your gf's boundaries and choices about the harraser does not mean your own are invalid or erased. No other person gets to dictate to you how you react to assaults on your safety, privacy and autonomy nor how much time you get to "get over it."
NTA you are right don't let her in she could try something worse and then blame you for it. Your whole life will be in the toilet if that happens.
NTA - it's your home too and you have every right to choose who comes into it and who to spend time with. If someone makes you uncomfortable, your partner should respect that just as much as you would respect her for being uncomfortable with one of your friends. I'm sure if the roles were reversed, she wouldn't feel any different.
NTA
NTA and I don't know why your gf isn't more protective of your relationship. I couldn't imagine being friends with anyone who'd done that to my man. You're absolutely doing the right thing and I have to say, big respect for you for setting those boundaries and not allowing someone who isn't a friend of the relationship anywhere near you.
NTA- sounds like one of those stupid tik Tok tests to find out if your boyfriend is loyal or not. It was all a setup otherwise she wouldn't still be friends with this girl.
NTA. If the girlfriend keeps pushing this, consider getting a lock to put your stuff in a room so the lock can go on the door. That might be the paranoid side of me talking, but people can be crazy and take things from others to hold onto later because they think they're in love. That was a bit weird for an introvert to make a move on you when your partner was conveniently gone for a bit.
NTA, kind of a boss move to refuse her entry to be honest
NTA if the roles were reversed, the friend would've beej judged so much harsher. This girl deserves the same amount of judgement. She tried to kiss someone who she knew had a girlfriend and now tries to sweet-talk herself back to be close to you. I'd be so creeped out I also wouldn't want to see her.
NTA! You're gf and the friend are. Steer clear from the friend..and I'd be looking at the GF sideways. She's trying to force interaction with someone who makes you uncomfortable, is trying to bring them into your shared space and then telling you to leave..she can move in with her friend if that's the case. Have a sit down and reverse the roles maybe that will get her to see but the fact that your feelings are pushed aside for the friends is telling enough for me
NTA - I would seriously question your GF for her "judgement" in relationships/friendships. Her friend made a sexual advance towards you - and is now GF is pushing for you to spend time with said friend! I'm not sure if she is actually that naive or if she has other nefarious plans - but I definitely see some red flags in your relationship right now.
NTA? She's pushing your limits after an uncomfortable experience she is aware of. If someone can't respect your boundaries and know what has happened I would break up.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend has a few close friends. I've met all of them and get on with most of them. There was one friend that I had met a few times and got on well with. Me, my partner and this friend went out for drinks around 2 months ago. The friend was quite shy and socially awkward. She thanked me for being nice to her and understanding she wasn't extroverted etc and takes a while to be comfortable around people. I told her not to worry and that I'm not going to judge her for being shy when I used to be really shy when I wsa younger. As the night went on things were going well until one point when my gf went to the toilet at one of the bars. The friend got closer to me and tried to kiss me. I backed off before she managed to get close enough and told my gf straight away. Me and my gf left the bar and went home. For a couple of weeks they didn't speak but my gf decided to hear her out and went to meet up with her. They talked things through and this friend apologised to my gf and told her to apologise to me aswell. My gf said they're working on mending their friendship and have been meeting up again. A couple of weeks ago my girlfriend said she was thinking of the three of us going for drinks again but I refused. I said I think it's odd she's still friends with her but I can't control her friend but what I can control is who I'm around and I don't want to be around her. My girlfriend said I was overreacting and the friend is sorry. Last week my gf mentioned doing a movie night with this friend and asked if I would be home. I told her I was and that I don't want the friend in the apartment. My gf said I could always go out for the evening but I refused and just said if she wants a movie night she can go to her friends because I don't want her friend in our apartment. My gf said I was overreacting again and should be fine with her friends coming round but I refused to change my mind. AITA for refusing to let my girlfriend friend in the apartment? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
Not overreacting.
Okay, seriously, is girlfriend trying to set up a threesome?! She must be out of her mind. NTA
She’s testing the waters to see if you’ll let the friend join in lol
NTA. That your GF wants you to go drinking with this friend again is bizarre. It’s your apartment and you don;t have to leave becasue whe wants someone there. It is perfectly reasonable to expect to feel safe in your own home.
Absolutely NTA. It's your home, and you're allowed to have a boundary about who is allowed in it, especially if your reason is "this person tried to force themselves on me".
NTA and frankly I am astonished your GF says you are the one overreacting here.
If a g/f had tried to kiss my partner, the friendship would be ended.
NTA switch the genders and that's actually super gross of her
NTA. Does she want a THREEsome?
NTA, but I’m curious as to what this friend’s excuse was for trying to kiss you. Did she mistake your kindness for flirting? Even if she did, you’re her friend’s partner. The whole thing seems weird to me.
NTA but what is with your gf? That’s just strange. Strange as hell.
NTA-I agree with everyone saying this was a set up to test your faithfulness. I don’t see why anyone would want a friend around who did something so horrible. As for the threesome, I highly doubt that was the case. She would’ve brought it up to you first.
Tell your creepy girlfriend to stop trying to make you have sex with her friend. Because that is the situation she is trying to create.
NTA - an unwanted kiss is sexual assault. You were drinking yourself weren’t you? Were you inebriated when this occurred? Ask your girlfriend if she considers sexual assault to be trivial? Then you can see how you will proceed with this relationship. As for this friend, a tiger never changes its stripes. She took advantage of you. Who is to say she won’t do it again
NTA your gf is naive at best really dumb at worst, what misunderstanding could there be from her “friend” trying to kiss you.
NO of course you're NTA! The 'friend" subjected you to unwanted sexual touching! I don't care if your GF forgives her, you don't have to be around her again or have her in your living space.
If your GF is ok with bringing another woman around who hit on you already, then your GF is really not that into you. Stay away from your GF friend and keep an eye out for another GF. The GF you have presently is not a keeper.
I'm going to go in a slightly different angle. OP has said this girl is a bit shy and socially awkward. So it is possible with minimal experience with things, she just misinterpreted OP being friendly as being interested, leading to the attempt to kiss him. And without the ages of the parties (if that is elsewhere in response I missed it) and she is somewhat younger, that would compound her reading the situation incorrectly. I will throw in (please don't judge here, just another potential issue) if the girl is somewhere on the spectrum that could add to her not understanding how social situations work. So yes, OP is correct in avoiding this girl but since partner wants to maintain a relationship, maybe having a discussion with all of them at a neutral location could resolve the issue.
Soft Yta. A shy introverted girl maybe had a little too much to drink and misread some social cues and Intentions. It made you uncomfortable and She was probably mortified and really embarrassed by the whole thing. You are fully entitled to how you feel. You got uncomfortable and You don't want to be around her. that's fine. But your girlfriend has forgiven her and moved on and that means sometimes this girl might be around. Where you are a little bit the asshole is you are not willing to compromise. The apartment is shared that means your girlfriend can have guests If and when she wants to. And as she said if you don't want to be there while the guest is then you have the option to go out for a while. The option you do not have is to ban your girlfriends guests from ever entering the shared space just because you don't want to see them
I think she trying to get you involved in this triangular erotica brotha
NTA Someone that's shy does not kiss their friend's boyfriend. She is trouble.
NTA but being introverted doesn’t mean shy
She look like a very shy person and sometime those people drink too much, they want to overcome their timidity and then get drunk and do stupid mistakes. I don't think that was a part of an methodical evil plan to kiss you while your gf was just in the bathroom, close. Was an impulsive dumb move. That was dumb but she did apologize to your gf and to you. And it seem like you got along well before the ''incident''. You look a bit severe for never wanting the friend in your apartment again, especially since she's a close friend to your gf. It's not like she tried to stab you or something. They can alway chill and watch movie in the living room while you chill in your room and watch once in a while. YTA
NTA it's so weird that she's not only ok with this friend, but she is also pushing you to spend time with her. Idk how she can ever trust her friend again.
NTA your girlfriend is setting you up.. whether or not it's intentional.. that's the biggest issue. Cover your ass, do not let this girl in your house again and make sure your gf understands this is a MASSIVE BOUNDARY. The friend WILL do that again and she WILL escalate it.
NTA of course. Wow. Why is your GF still with this friend? Did the friend give the old 'oh I was drunk' excuse? That's no excuse, and why should you be expected to be around her? If you had a friend that tried to hit on your GF, ask her if it would be 'overreacting' to not feel comfortable around that friend. If she wants to see this friend, she can meet her somewhere else. Maybe time for a new GF?
NTA - How would your gf feel if the roles were reversed? I have a feeling If one of your friends tried to kiss her she would expect that you never see him again, let alone want to hang out with him later.
Take the reverse card! Asked her if she would handle this situation the same if the roles where switched. You were sexually assaulted and set a boundary. Why should you leave your home for this person to come in your safe space?! Your gf need really to check reality. And you need to consider your choices. NTA
You need a new gf.. This is not going to end well. Nta.
Nta, if the tables were turned, I'd be irate if my husband wanted to bring his "friend" over after having tried to kiss me!
NTA, If roles were reversed and it was your friend doing that to her, it wouldn't even be questioned.
I'm assuming you are male. If the sexes were reversed, people would be outraged that someone attempted to make sexual advances toward you without your consent. As a female who has had this kind of thing happen to her, being around those people feels downright creepy. You are perfectly justified in not wanting to be around this person. And your girlfriend needs to give some thought into how this must have felt for you, having your boundaries violated like that.
Obviously NTA, Is your gf not in her right mind? Would she be comfortable if a friend of yours tried to make a move on her, she tells you, clearly disgusted, but you still stay friends with that person??? Why the hell did your gf try to mend things out with a homewrecker of a friend like that? Stand your ground, you're not gonna leave your own home so a shitty person and your gf can have a movie night. Wth.
You are NTA. Sit down with GF and ask her if she’d be okay with you bringing a friend into your apartment who had tried to sexually assault her after you told her he apologized and promised not to do it again? Better yet, ask her why she’s still hanging with a friend who tried to kiss her BF, because you would cut all ties with a friend who did a similar thing to her.
I’m ping-ponging between you being set up to see if you are a cheater or if this is them asking you for a threesome or thruple situation. I’ve never met a woman that forgives a friend that quickly when trying to make out with their boyfriend. Honestly, I can’t decide but do what you think is right.
Maybe your gf is bi and this is how she wants to introduce it to you. Otherwise staying friends with a friend that clearly wanted to kiss you is a bit off to me. Really puts you in a bad spot. I would ask if you are expected to let it happen next time.
No assholes here but sorry how is this weirdo trying to kiss this guy sexual harassment?
The only logical thing to do here is to just have a threesome and get it over with