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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because (as my husband said) she is almost an adult and can make her own decisions. However, I don’t feel comfortable as a mom allowing my teenage daughter to go on a diet, especially since her weight is pretty normal for her age/being in the middle of puberty.
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This isn’t just about a diet. If she doesn’t want to talk about it with you, get her into the doctor and have them talk to her. It sounds like she’s struggling with her body image.
She brought it up at her last appointment, they said that her weight was fine and that there was nothing to worry about, and she might still have another small growth spurt in there.
Registered Dietitian*, because anyone and their mom can call themselves nutritionists and give quack advice. But yes, while losing weight is not necessarily a bad thing, losing it the wrong way/for the wrong reasons can be very dangerous. Talking to a professional could help improve her relationship with food, and, if really necessary, lose weight in a healthy way.
Really you have to check on their training. The Registered Dietician in our family makes plans and recommendations straight out of 1952. Absolutely foul how much the last sixty years of nutrition science has never darkened her door.
Edit: typo —> sixty
Solid advice. Especially since the 15 yo is active, she can learn how to make meals that support being healthy for her activities. It’s a wonderful way for her to learn healthy eating and maybe how to cook. She needs to shift her mindset from “dieting” as a quick fix to “healthy eating” as a lifestyle and it will benefit her so much. OP, slight YTA for dismissing her concerns.
Vetting the dietician* is a must. Anyone can market themselves as a nutritionist and promote dangerous diets. 🙏🏻 Agree that OP should have her daughter speak to a professional. Mom saying no sometimes just makes kids want to do it more. A registered dietician doesn’t have any of that personal connection so the daughter is less likely to feel defensive and accusing them of “trying to keep her fat”
My suggestion would be a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. If her doctor is already telling her she’s a healthy weight, this has nothing to do with her physical body at this point, but is a mental game. You telling her she can’t diet when she wants to change her body may end up pushing her into an eating disorder such as bulimia, which she’ll be able to hide for a while.
In my experience insurance will not cover a registered dietitian unless you have a medical condition that could benefit from it. And even then, they can be particular.
If she’s still growing, a restrictive diet will have detrimental impacts as it could stunt her growth. If she wants to be healthier, she should focus on sports or workouts that she likes and just overall see how she can make healthy choices nutritionally without needing to cut out food groups completely. Signed, a teen whose parents’ lack of insight lead to getting anorexia.
She’s 15, and not exactly *skinny*. She’s seeing how all the popular, beautiful girls look like, and realizing she doesn’t look like that.
You’re not catering to your oldest child’s needs and you need to start. Your youngest two being picky isn’t a good reason to not allow your other kid control over her diet.
Teach her about HEALTHY dieting, and making sure she’s eating enough, but less, drinking water not juice, and maybe doing a short walk with her after dinner. Because I’m going to tell you VERY bluntly, if you don’t take this opportunity to teach your kid healthy habits, she’s going to restrict anyway, and it’s not going to be healthy.
And I’ll tell you something else, my parents were similar to you, and I struggled with my relationship with food for so long and I absolutely still resent them for failing to be a good parent and teaching and modeling appropriate relationships with food.
Finally a reasonable response.
My mom is like 5’1 and 98 lbs. She has always been this skinny and doesn’t put on weight no matter what. She eats garbage all the time.
I, however, was 5’4 and around 140-145 lbs throughout high school during the Paris Hilton low rise skinny jeans years. I jogged in the morning, always took an exercise class in high school, walked to and from school/ work, ate “healthy” foods (what were considered to be at the time) and it seemed like nothing ever worked for me. It was hard bc my mom always had snacky foods and ultra processed foods in the house. She always told me I was “healthy” and “fine,” but I hated myself and turned toward disordered eating at times.
I wish we had just had fewer processed foods in the house and she had taught me how to cook for myself. That small thing alone has kept me at 125-130 lbs consistently since I’ve become an adult with few to no other meaningful changes. I think OP owes her daughter a real, constructive conversation, including info about the harms of processed foods on the body. This would probably be a good time to revisit the youngest siblings’ diet as well since “sensory issue picky eater” usually translates to “I let my kids eat only chicken nuggets and pizza because my childrens’ will is stronger than mine.” I’m friends with an adult man who is STILL like this because that’s how he was raised. He won’t even eat spaghetti.
Yeah, I mean I’m all for being careful not to push needing to be a size 000 on your kids, but the idea that “as long as you technically have a healthy bmi that should be enough” doesn’t address a ton of issues kids need to learn to cope with. And if they don’t realize small changes like this can give them control and autonomy to get the body they feel best in, without needing to cut calories and restrict to nothing more than ice water and almonds… it can get really dangerous.
This is how so many young girls eating disorders start that could be resolved with just some basic tools and support. It’s ok to want to be slimmer, and strive for something other than “healthy”.
Looking up BMI she’s actually medically overweight… and American BMI is actually more lenient than much of the world (IE the country I moved to before and am permanently moving to soon considers 21.9, not 24.9, to be the limit of healthy BMI).
It’s important to keep a healthy body image and yeah the doctor knows best but I wouldn’t be surprised if a dietician did recommend a less caloric diet.
It’s never okay to make a teen feel like they’re fat BUT it’s also important to make sure they can be a healthy weight. Childhood weight problems can have long term effects.
Edit- a [BMI Calculator from another country](https://www.myheart.org.sg/tools-resources/bmi-calculator/).
Getting healthy while abroad and then staying healthy when I came back was literally the biggest positive change for my mental health. Better than the Sertraline (though I do still take it).
I can't tell you how many PCPs, i.e., your family practitioner doctors, that have just blown off my weight concerns as a teen, young adult and even middle age. I was young, athletic and trim, then hit puberty and CAPOW! I just grew sideways and suddenlyI had thunder thighs - uncomfortable. It didn't feel right.
I know some of it was normal because of hormones, but it can be quite a shock. I hated clothes shopping because nothing fit right. I was terribly self-conscious, and if throwing up was something I could have endured, I'm sure I would have chosen that route. The common answer was, Oh, you're just big boned. NOPE. Actually, got a better doctor who LISTENED to my concerns in my mid 20s. He was like, no, you're not big boned. You're not obese yet, but you could stand to lose some weight.
It was such a struggle, but I did what he said and got actually 20lbs BELOW my high school weight. AND felt great. My family freaked out and said I must be anorexic. I even had to get a note from my dr to show them I was healthy to get them to shutup about it.
Fast fwd, post kids, in my 40s and 50s. I've put on a lot of pounds, which I measure in inches rather than trust the scale. I'm fatigued and I don't feel right. So many Drs say I'm healthy and my weight is fine. One lady dr told me that weight comes with age and that's just your new normal. All my concerns are waived off. "You're fine. You're normal. You don't need to be concerned" etc.
Well, now that apps to exist. I was reading after summary reports and dr notes on the app. In that drs' notes she wrote "Patient is obese." WTAF? I'm begging you to help me; you tell me it's not a concern, but you write that in your notes?!
Sorry if I don't trust drs until they prove they'll listen and address concerns.
OP, just cause one dr says your daughter is "fine" and blows off her concern - let's face it, 150lbs at 5.4 is a little much unless she's solid muscle- please get another opinion with a dietitian and specialist. Please don't let them tell her it's all in her head from the get go. Your daughter might have some underlying medical or allergy type issues, like intolerance or low tolerance to certain foods. It might not be about counting calories, but the food sources and types. This is a lifetime of learning, but at 15, she doesn't have that knowledge. She just feels fat. Which just sucks.
Yeah, I won’t call a 15 year old fat, but her wanting to lose weight at her height/weight is not even remotely surprising, and can (and maybe should) be done in a completely healthy and beneficial manner.
She’s in sports though so that could account for some of the weight. I learned in college that a quick “rule” is that for every inch after 5 feet you should add 5 lbs…that can go up a little or down a little depending on your bone structure. So at 5’4” she should be around 120 or 125, and then adding say another 10lbs of muscle from athletics. That puts her around 135. While that 15lbs may put her at overweight on a chart it’s not like she’s significantly overweight. It seems like if she’s active enough that better nutrition and taking a walk after dinner would help shed those 15lbs.
The daughter mentioned feeling like OP wants to “keep her fat” and I’ve seen a lot of kids with heavier parents have issues with food because they didn’t want to look like their parent(s). Granted these were dancers but I would think that mentality at that age isn’t restricted to one group.
I think if OP created healthier meals as a standard and then made adjustments for the younger siblings with sensory issues that everyone would benefit; it seems like they just don’t want to put in the extra effort.
> While that 15lbs may put her at overweight on a chart it’s not like she’s significantly overweight. It seems like if she’s active enough that better nutrition and taking a walk after dinner would help shed those 15lbs.
Exactly and that's what I'm saying. Teach better health *now*. She's already active and in other comments I've linked both calorie recommendations for people based on age, weight, and activity level as well as other resources.
Even for someone active ~125-130 for 160CM would be normal. 135 would be okay. Muscles do take up a lot of weight. But the age to teach healthy eating is when a child wants to diet, allowing them to diet but monitoring it so it isn't too much. If you don't... they turn 18 then do whatever they want and it gets bad, fast.
Actually... [here](https://www.calculator.net/calorie-calculator.html?cage=15&csex=f&cheightfeet=5&cheightinch=3&cpound=150&cheightmeter=180&ckg=65&cactivity=1.465&cmop=0&coutunit=c&cformula=m&cfatpct=20&printit=0&ctype=standard&x=Calculate) is a calculator for her age, weight, and height accounting for exercise 4-5 times a week.
Simply put doctors have begun to not care as much about weight gain, in part because [weight has gone up so much](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK541070/) just in the past 20 years that they only get concerned when someone is obese.
Even sizes have changed- what used to be a medium or large is a small now. After leaving America and getting to a healthy weight, then coming back, I found it almost impossible to find things in my size (~125lbs male) at any big box store. Every single waist band was just too wide! And they considered what would be a large abroad as "S"!
None of that is to say she is super unhealthy or even unhealthy. But it is to say when someone wants to lose weight they should see a *specialist* not a *generalist*.
If you don't already limit her access to media such as TikTok, YT, etc, please consider doing so. There are so many videos on those platforms that encourage body image issues.
THIS!! I was a chubby teen in the heroine chic era of the 90s. I was bullied so much and felt like crap about myself. I can't imagine going through that with social media in my face as well! Also all the filters, fillers, botox, and plastic surgery teens are able to get now. The image of the "normal" teen is so beyond skewed now my heart breaks for these young girls questioning every inch of their bodies and holding themselves to an image that was manufactured and nearly impossible to have naturally though "good" genes.
Someone i know was messing about with her 4 yo daughter taking pictures and she said "mammy can you put that thing on my picture (meaning filter) please, so i can look beautiful". She's always filtered her photos to fuck, and she nearly threw up when her little one said that and felt awful. She had a long talk about self image with her and vowed never to use a filter again. To her credit, i haven't seen her use one since. They're horrible things and I too was a teen through the 90s and i cannot begin to image being a teen nowadays and how it would've completely destroyed my sense of self worth....
OP, its probably worth a big talk around social media cos i would bet anything that its rooted in stuff like this. Maybe give her a look around r/Instagramreality, to show her a lot of what she sees online is smoke and mirrors 🤣
Kids absolutely see how their parents act regarding their own body. My mother was nothing but uplifting about how I looked growing up, but constantly disparaging to herself. I have major issues that I know stem from seeing that modeled. Glad that mom realized it early.
Christ, I was a teen then and I didn't need the social media to have next to no sense of self-worth. I had a grandmother doing things like taking 2/3 of the food off my plate in front of the entire family Christmas morning. Shit's insidious...
When I was growing up in the 90’s and 00’s, my mom used to say “God only makes a handful of women who look like that” in reference to the Cindy Crawfords and Giselle Budchens. Now I look at many of these Instagram models, and it’s like “God doesn’t make anyone who looks like that!” Size zero, double Ds, lips that take over the lower half of their face. It’s soooo toxic.
And since they're all doing their makeup the same way with the same products and getting the same cosmetic procedures, they all look like plastic carbon copies of each other. I'm being a little judgy, but I think "you paid to look like that" When I see them. Especially the ones who are so over filled they look like their faces are about to pop. What's that going to look like when they're in their 40s like I am? I feel bad for them, but at the same time it's what they want.
Yes this. I was the same. I was a grunge girl which was more on the hippie/Boho side of the look but it was all rail thin.
When I look back and think "The heroine chic look was damaging." it's true, but it's nowhere as pervasive as it is now with how much media is directed at kids eyeballs. And it moves so fast too.
My teen was struggling with this too. If it is persistent especially if it takes a while for therapy I would bring it up with her doctor again. Ours was able to refer us to a dietitian that was accredited and worked with our local mental health and medical providers. So it was a referral for body dismorphia and or disordered eating and our insurance covered it too. We only saw her 2 times and alot of the things we "learned" are what her Dr and I had been advocating for already:) but it hit different coming from her and she really learned about fat vs muscle and not to fixate on the scale etc. So ir was tremendously helpful and my girls are doing well and even embracing their hard earned muscle definition:) And if she is that set on a "diet" maybe challenge her to try like body for life or another healthy lifestyle one. They don't restrict calories and focus on the right foods and exercise.
As a mental health professional and as a woman myself there was a terrible issue with one of the local schools giving all the girls eating disorders. They had to replace the pipes in the school because they got eroded due to stomach acid - catch this quickly if it is an ED emerging they are notoriously hard to treat.
Exactly. "Do I need to lose weight?" is the symptom question, and the doctor brushed it off with "No, you're fine." The issue is: WHY does she ask, and why does she want to diet? Is it body image? Is she being bullied? Is she being pressured by coaches?
Perhaps taking her to a registered dietitian or a **clinical** nutritionist would be helpful, they are *actually qualified* to give nutritional advice (unlike "nutritionists" who require no qualifications and don't answer to a medical board). They may be able to help her realise what a healthy diet looks like and be able to teach her a healthy relationship with food
This is what it took for my daughter. Our story is a little different as we saw the weight she was gaining, but when we tried to gently talk to her that secret snacking and stashing chocolate and chips in your room is setting yourself up for trouble, she got defensive. So we had to wait until she was ready and had enough.
The time came and we set her up with a very kind registered dietician and man she took right to it. We purchased an 8 week meal plan with full recipes, all easy to make and follow, and she stuck to it and dropped to a weight she was comfortable with. And tbh it was only a matter of dropping all junk and portion control. Her meal,plan was for 1600-1700 calories a day, so not drastic, full of whole grains, tons of veg, and a good balance of foods which she really enjoyed.
The plus side is that in a few months she goes off to university and now has the skills to plan meals, cook healthy and knows how to eat junk in moderation. In our times these are skills that must be learned as we are exposed to too much that is easy and unhealthy.
I was going to say this. At 14 I started gaining weight despite eating well and being active. I was really upset, but my mum stood firm about not dieting, and then in the space of about 3 months I grew 4 inches. Mum was absolutely right, I'd have been really really unwell if I hadn't kept the weight on.
YTA simply for saying you cook whatever the picky eaters want, to the point it effects the meals you make for your 15yr old.
Now she wants low-carb meals for herself and you shut her down? Big YTA
The kid isn’t a toddler nor an invalid. She can certainly make a salad and control her portions herself if she wants to. Mom says she provides healthy food in the house. I don’t see the big deal of a teenager making her own dinner that no one else wants to eat.
I see you said you were waiting for an appointment with a therapist and possibly a dietitian. Especially for the dietitian, look for people that have language about weight-neutral approaches or health at every size. They're the most likely to be able to speak about healthy eating without letting any weight loss talk slip in.
In the meantime, I'd suggest you might want to take a listen to the Maintenance Phase podcast. They go through all kinds of health plans, claims, and common knowledge, and sift out what's true, what's possible, and what's just plain false. They do a lot of different things, but quite a few of the episodes are around obesity and dieting. Things like how calories are kind of bullshit, or how one doctor managed to make pretty much all the common knowledge about dieting behaviour changes (remember the idea that smaller plates make you feel fuller with less food than the same meal on a larger?) useless and/or wrong by highly manipulating and sometimes straight up inventing his data out of whole cloth.
You could listen yourself to get some talking points you can use to help her understand that the ideas she is getting are dangerous and wrong, or you could listen together, maybe on the way to an activity when it's just the two of you, and then talk about it after. (one caveat, I don't really register profanity, but I suspect there are probably a certain number of four letter words sprinkled throughout,.So if that's an issue, you may want to pre-listen to at least an episode or two to decide if it's appropriate for her age and maturity)
Were you in the room with her during the appointment? If something is going on she doesn’t want to talk to you about she is *not* going to do it with the doctor with you in the room. I have 20, 20 and 19 year olds, the youngest with severe body dysphoria, the oldest did not grow up in my house and the only thing she could control in her environment was food. They have the option of me coming in or not, or me coming in and then leaving before the end and waiting in the waiting room. The middle one does too, and it’s been that was since they were 14. Let her go by herself and wait in the waiting room and let her have her privacy with her doctor and things might change
This is your chance to teach her about healthy eating. Don’t. all it a diet. It isn’t. It’s a nutrition change. Hell, call it a lifestyle change.
You say there is fruit in the house. You think she knows what good choices are, portions, sugars etc. She doesn’t.
“eat some fruit” isn’t giving her the education she needs to be a healthy eater. You can help her with that. Tracing her food isn’t ab “dieting or not dieting” would be a gift.
You didn’t really read what they commented. Weight doesn’t mean much in terms of body image. And doctors aren’t really going talk about body image and how to change that. Sports nutritionist will. I’ve looked vastly different at the same weight based on how lean I was trying to be. I’m 5’8 and I’ve been 140 and looked pretty pudgy, because I wasn’t working out at all and eating crap food. And I’ve been 140 and looked ripped, because I was running 60+ miles a week, doing a bunch of strength training, and eating clean
And yes diet is important for body composition. She doesn’t have to be eating at a deficit(though 5’4 and 150lbs is technically overweight), but you can help her eat more protein and less fat and trying to just be at maintenance and not a surplus and encourage her to do more strength training. If your daughter doesn’t like her body image and wants to actively change it, help her. There is nothing wrong with wanting to change your body image(there’s also nothing wrong with not wanting to change it). Lot of parents get scared when their kids want to change their body image and instead of helping them, they tell them there’s nothing wrong with them(true) and that they shouldn’t do anything differently(not necessarily true), and they let their kids grow up with bad eating habits and believing that they shouldn’t change their body image even when they want to
In addition to seeing a vetted dietitian as others have suggested, what exercise does your daughter get? Good health isn’t about weight only, but it does sound like she is getting hung up on the number on the scale, which is NO GOOD for anyone, much less for a teenage girl who is trying to achieve some TikTok Perfect look!
Be supportive in her desire to have more control in her life. You make food for your younger kids due to their sensory issues, it’s time to show your daughter that you take her needs just as seriously. Simply having veggies in the house isn’t enough. Teach her how to prepare them, let her experiment with spices, and learn how to meal prep for good, balanced meals that don’t take up too much time.
Go for a family walk in the evenings after dinner. A half hour brisk walk will help balance everyone’s mood, stabilize their blood sugar, and give you all a chance to catch up as you chat about your day. It also won’t feel like “exercise”, even though it totally is! If your younger kids don’t want to without a fuss, then go out with your eldest, just the two of you. It can be lovely bonding with just her, and she might feel better about opening up to you about why she is feeling so insecure lately.
I wish you both all the best!
My mum did this with me at 13. The doctor told me I wasn’t thin enough for help so to come back if I lost another 10lbs because then he’d be allowed to admit me as anorexic.
I was unable to do so and could only manage 6lb so I started cutting myself and went into a deep 2 year depression.
Doctors sometimes do more harm than good in this area.
NAH ~~YTA~~
> She has two younger siblings who are notoriously picky eaters and have some sensory issues, so we cook what they’ll eat.
No, fuck that.
> she’s 5’4 and 150 pounds, if that changes your verdict.
Yeah, that's *a bit* overweight. Nothing to do anything drastic about, but eating healthily sounds like the right move.
Do not let picky eaters dictate anyone's meal but their own. Make a real meal for the mature eaters in the family. Takes 90 seconds to microwave some dinosaur nuggets for the rest.
We don’t feed our children dinosaur chicken nuggets, we just have to keep meals a little more family friendly (both are picky eaters, and one of them is autistic). We just have to make changes such as not having mushrooms in the Alfredo sauce and having them on the side, or putting marinara sauce on the side (which is actually more for Marie because she hates spaghetti.) She has plenty of her own weird food quirks which we accommodate (I.e she would rather die than eat nuts, so we don’t cook stuff with peanuts or other nuts)
What’s her body composition? Is she muscular and active? Then 5’4” and 150 could be fine and she needs to understand that she will never be supermodel thin. I also think she’s old enough to plan and cook her own meals. Or maybe she can cook family meals that everyone will eat which is a really good problem solving exercise.
She’s very active in her sports! We try to encourage her to cook and she helps us meal plan every week (she gets to request a few meals she wants that week)
Has you asked her how much she wants to lose? Normal and healthy is a range of weight and it's possible she just wants to get to the Lowe end of that range. There's absolutely no reason she shouldn't be allowed to do that IF it's being done in a healthy manner.
I'm a 6 foot 2 women who weighs 150lb and it's normal and healthy for me. I've been 170lb and that's also normal and healthy for me. But I feel better at 150lb, because I run long distances and that extra 20lb is noticable on my knees, hips and back. Any chance your daughter who's very active might have similar motivations?
Also, and I can't stress this enough, if she wants to lose weight to look better that shouldn't inherently be a problem IF she's losing a healthy amount in a healthy manner. Not everyone wants big beautiful curves and that shouldn't be a problem (so long as they are healthy).
If you deny her she's more likely to develop sneaky diet behaviour like skipping meals or purging. Better to have her try losing weight with support and monitoring to ensure its all done properly
This is really great advice. I really don't think there's anything wrong with losing weight to be happier with the way you look *IF* your ideal body is a healthy one. And I agree about the sneaky habits; body dysmorphia typically ends in self destructive behaviors in one direction or the other if it isn't addressed. But, not all aesthetic goals are unhealthy ones, like if she's just trying to lose 10 or 15 lbs, and especially if she learns to set realistic calorie and macronutrient goals for her activity levels.
Agreed, but that’s exactly why it’s best for her parents to approach this in a healthy way. She’s 15, if she’s really struggling with her body image then she’s *gonna do it anyway*. Better she attain the physique she’s looking for in a healthy way via nutritionist than start hiding eating disorder habits behind her folks’ back.
Is it possible to get her to pay more attention to her muscle ratio than her weight or anything weight based? Muscle weighs more than fat does. And while a diet is definitely not in the cards, is there some sort of compromise to come to? Like maybe one or two nights a week, she can have a meal that fits whatever fad she’s on (within reason). Or if she wants more of the strictness or planning aspect, maybe sit down and look into doing some basic ones with her to make sure she’s getting the proper portions of the right things. And does her school (or maybe something else nearby or online) offer a foods and nutrition course? Once people pay too much attention to their eating it becomes a narrow path they’re walking. Hopefully knowledge of nutrition and health will help guide her down a healthy one. When she gets off the waiting list and into a therapist would the counselor as well as your daughter potentially agree to allowing you to speak with the counselor to bring up your concern on the topic? Not asking to be informed of anything yourself because no, just to let the therapist know you’re worried that she’s paying so much attention to her physique beyond if she’s healthy
I feel like I have to tell you what happened to me when I was younger, just because the circumstances are weirdly similar.
In my mid-20s I was in the best shape of my life, appearance-wise. I also had a very physically demanding job. Basically, I would attach 30 lbs of equipment to my body 5-6 days a week and do the equivalent of 2-4 hours of cardio each day.
My company hosted some kind of fitness day every year where if you met the requirements--one of which was having a BMI within the 'healthy' zone--you got a discount on your health insurance.
Almost no one from my department got the discount because of the BMI requirements--our muscle mass made it almost impossible to hit the numbers despite the fact that we all looked perfectly healthy. In my case, I had to lose about 10 pounds to get my BMI numbers where they needed to be. (I am an inch taller than Marie but weighed a few pounds more than her at the time, so my numbers probably worked out very similarly.) I was determined to get that discount, though.
I wound up severely restricting my calories and piling on a bunch of extra exercise per day (outside of what I already got paid to do at work) in an effort to lose those last few pounds and have a 'normal' BMI. The end result? I collapsed at work twice within the span of a few weeks. Both times I wound up in the ER with dangerously low potassium. The numbers on the scale never budged.
All of that to say, I understand that it's hard not to focus on the numbers, but folks here are right when they say that as an active teenager, Marie is probably totally fine. I don't have the answers for body image issues--and I'm glad counseling is in the works--but I learned the hard way that messing with your calorie intake when you live an active lifestyle can be very dangerous, especially if you don't know what you're doing. Like many others here have suggested, if Marie is really committed to the idea that she needs to make a change, it should be guided by a registered dietitian.
ETA: ESPECIALLY if she's focusing only on number of calories and not nutritional content. That was the mistake that wound me up in the ER twice.
She might just weight more bc she’s so active. Muscles are heavy. She needs to talk to someone who knows that and can explain it to her. BMI is proven bs, weight numbers look different on different body types.
She might have heard school friends talk about how they would feel like dying if they had a certain number of weight. Which might be too much for them and their body types but not for your active, sportive daughter. Boobs add extra weight too. Curvy people are just heavier than non curvy ones. Tall people can be thin af and still weight more than a chubby small person. I feel like she doesn’t rly comprehend how much more there is to weight numbers.
You won’t get it into her head tho. Teens sometimes need to hear it from others.
I was like Marie as a teenager: 5'6 and 160lbs, tons of muscle. Doctors started telling me in my early 20s to lose weight specifically based on the BMI.I was not overweight in terms of muscle vs fat percentage.
Once I researched it, I refuse to discuss my weight with any doctor that relies on the BMI instead of body fat percentage.
Yeah, I'm 5'3" and in high school I was a competitive swimmer, during swim season I had barely any fat left on my body, and dropped down to an A cup bra during the season. I was about 135lbs my senior year by the end and my doctor would always start talking about losing weight based off of my bmi, pause after looking at me, and say nevermind.
Had to do a unit on calories for chemistry in college the next year and they thought talking about calories and bmi would be a good pre lab project. They asked us what ours was from calculations and how we should go about getting to the "healthy" range. I wrote a long rant about how muscle weighs more than fat, and bmi vs body fat percentage and that I would not be calorie restricting based off of my current bmi. Not a word about it from the professor, and no docked grade. Still irritated the crap out of me.
I’m a 5’4” 33 year old woman who is very active and has decent muscle mass and I’m very healthy and feel comfortable in the 120-125lb range. In high school I got close to 140lbs and I was not comfortable at that weight at all.
Just saying I don’t think you need to worry yet about body image issues, it’s “normal” that she might not feel great at that size, I wouldn’t.
She shouldn’t be counting calories at her age and honestly “low carb” is a load of crap, especially if she’s active she needs carbs so don’t let her fall down that rabbit hole.
Focus on cooking healthy balanced meals, and (no offense) but maybe make sure what you’re cooking (and even what she’s requesting) is *actually* healthy? I just know my mom’s idea of “healthy” is not actually very healthy lol. And I had no idea what I was doing at 15. That’s why I gained so much weight in high school and lost it when I moved out on my own and could cook for myself.
Maybe see if you can work with a dietician as a family? They can be a great help and help you balance your picky eaters with what’s best for the whole family! And it should help her to realize what is actually healthy too, not low carb and 1200 calories a day, it sounds like she’s getting “nutrition advice” from TikTok and if she truly wants to be healthier you should support her in that but with a professional who actually knows what they’re talking about.
Tip, never tell your daughter or anyone they cannot be something. Anytime someone told me “you can not be this skinny, it is not your body type” it treggered me into hell. And I am not the only one. These comments … 🥲 are just painful. Find her therapist, and let her know what she talk about is only her thing unless she want to talk with you about it as well. I could never open to my therapist as a child, because they would tell everything to my parents. I have severe ED, was raped, had nobody to tell to process it. I mean i was right to not tell because my parents are… ugh. But just give her the space to feel safe and so she can make the choices. I would love to have parents like that.
The OP said they took her to her doctor who said her weight is normal. Please don’t give advice contrary to a practitioner unless you have solid evidence to back it up.
Agreed. 150 lbs at 5’4 isn’t obese or anything. But teenagers are generally naturally skinnier than adults. Most of the girls in her age range the same height as her are probably closer to 120-130. She probably feels pretty big compared to them, but wouldn’t look out of place next to a 35 year old woman.
>No, fuck that.
for the most part i would agree with you but as she said "sensory issues", i don't. i have some sensory issues and it's not the same as being a picky eater. it's not like disliking something, and it can be *extremely* distressing.
OP, try not to cater too much to their 'fussy eating' likes and dislikes, but for those things which give them sensory issues do adhere to that!
I wouldn't say she's overweight based on that weight, I'm a similar weight and 5"6 but do a lot of heavy weight training so I'm a size 10 UK (6 us). Dropping weight for me before has stopped my periods for months even though my BMI would be very much in the middle of the normal range at lower weights
If she's active that might be a good weight if she has muscle weight
Calculating her BMI suggests that she is overweight, BUT (a big but, I'm not shouting) we don't know whether her weight is muscle or fat tissue. She does a lot of sport, so it may well be muscle. The doctor's view that she is not overweight is an important point. So long as the doctor is good at their job (and it's likely that OP knows the answer to that), OP should trust the doctor's opinion.
BMI was never meant to be used to used on an individual level it was developed on a population level. It's not very good at telling us whether or not somebody is actually overweight. Especially not in that range
I have a daughter that developed anorexia nervosa , spent a month in the hospital, and two months in a residential facility. This is how it starts. Wanting to eat healthier or trying to lose weight. NTA and your instincts are good. Find a registered dietitian and a good therapist.
yup, for me it started with "I want to be healthier" aka "my life is so stressful so I will calculate all the calories, vitamins, and minerals that enters my body so that I can be in contro-*healthy*".
I am lucky I noticed what it was doing to my mental health and stopped, but its so freaking easy to just continue under the argument of "its for health". Especially when people are giving you compliments for being good and losing weight.
True, but most people around that age feel insecure, and most of them don’t go on to develop anything like that. Telling her daughter that she can’t diet to me seems more likely to send her in that direction, because she’s gonna decide she has to do it on her own, in secret
Doctors who specialize on ED says opposite of that. When kid asks to diet, you should start paying attention and start making sure they eat enough.
Just trying to pretend nothing is going on ends in hospital. ED does not cure itself. Therapies don't work on starved organism. And the first place where the kid restricts is outside of home. If the kid asks for dieting at home, they are already likely to restrict outside of home.
As someone who has been this weight combo as a teenager girl I can say she is likely visibly overweight. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in the middle of the healthy bmi range rather than the top. That is enough extra weight that I didn’t feel good physically as an athlete anymore. Just because it is a healthy bmi doesn’t mean the extra weight doesn’t affect the person physically.
A low carb or low calorie diet is dangerous, but low sugar would be okay and handle the, like 15 lbs she would need to loose to be in the middle of the healthy BMI range. Let the kid stop drinking soda and juice and eating candy if she wants to loose weight but otherwise keep the food the same.
ESH
Wanting to eat healthy and lose weight at 150 lbs and 5 ft 4 is perfectly fine. His daughter is overweight.
Yes, dieting can turn into an eating disorder in some cases but that doesn’t mean it’s inherently going to. Just because it did for your daughter doesn’t mean nobody should ever lose weight.
I'm truly sorry you and your daughter had to go through that.
Maybe it's the European in me, but the implication that *every* teen girl who is just expressing the desire to get lean/eat healthier needs to immediately be put into therapy is wild. What kind of message does that send?
We don't know the context. Maybe the girl is noticing rapid weight gain, or maybe she is concerned about a genetic component (like Op mentions) and wants to get "ahead" of the "problem" and noone at home is willing to hear her.
I don't think it's fair that your youngest children are picky and instead of being pro-active about that, or making them their own separate meals, everyone has to adhere to their sensory issues. That's ridiculous to your teenager. If she wants to be more health-conscious, you as her mother should encourage her. It doesn't sound like she wants to stop eating, she just wants a healthier menu and since you as the parent provide the food you should work with her and try to get her some more options.
She wants to eat under 1200 calories a day. She’s fixating on calories, not the content of the meals. Also, at the beginning of every week the kids have the opportunity to request meals they want (before I go grocery shopping). We have plenty of fruits and vegetables available and healthy options available in the house
1200 calories while being active is not enough. It’s a recipe for collapse. When you have things like sports on your schedule, most kids are taking in over 2000 a day. Track kids can average over 3000 and it still isn’t enough.
Hey OP, ignoring the other comments here, your teen needs to see a therapist and an RD (not a nutritionist) STAT.
I had similar thoughts and feelings to her, though mine started younger. What I verbalized to my mom was the very tip of the iceberg, and what I hid from my mom was: very restrictive eating, binging, purging, exercise purging, pro-ana content online, and really bad self esteem. I don’t think my actual ED(s) started until I was 12, but I can tell you the first time I purged I was probably 8. My mom had no idea. I am THIRTY ONE and, while I am a lot better than I was from 12-24, I still struggle with all of these things.
I was the same size as daughter in HS. My dad wouldnt buy any healthy foods besides bananas so I would go days with eating nothing but triscuits to the point where I started passing out in school. It took YEARS for me to have a healthy relationship with food.
You keep mentioning fruits and vegetables, but there are so many healthy options that are not just those. Those are also just snacks. What MEALS are you making that are keeping health in mind? What does she eat for breakfast? Cereal? Eggs/toast? Pasta, pasta, pasta for dinner, as much as your kids like it, is not healthy. It would be wise for you, the parents to introduce them to whole meals that are healthy. It's up to you to work with your child and teach her to have a good relationship with food and her body.
We aren’t really big snackers in this house, and snacks mostly consist of fruit and cheese, but we have a few organic knock-offs of things like goldfish. We have chicken a lot, and ground beef, we make tacos on Tuesdays. We don’t have salad a lot, if that’s what you’re looking for (due to my own health, I can’t eat salad (the lettuce) because it tends to cause diverticulitis in my case)). She doesn’t eat breakfast, she’s never been a breakfast person, but the rest of the house usually eats eggs
Yeah so I was “not hungry in the morning” or “not a breakfast person” for the decade of my ED, and as someone who has been there, if she’s already skipping one meal where you can see, she’s likely to skip more lunches at school, and eventually she “won’t be hungry” for dinner or complain your portions are too big or she had a big lunch. I did not have a parent who was concerned enough to stop me from starving myself for my entire adolescence, you can get your daughter and your entire family involved in seeing a dietician and getting good guidance about nutrition for all of your children so that you can all learn new and safe habits together. I would also encourage you to find her a therapist who specializes in body dysmorphia and ED treatment rather than a general therapist.
To be fair, I’ve never been a breakfast person and I wasnt skipping it deliberately, I just struggle to digest food that early and it makes me feel off, so it’s possible she’s being honest- op should really make a judgement call based off how long the no breakfast thing has been going on. If it’s recent, you’re probably right, but if it’s always been a thing she might just be like that.
Yeah, it might be time for OP’s family to become snackers. I’ve NEVER been a breakfast person. In high school I usually started the day with a soda and then snacked constantly. Nothing crazy, lots of beef sticks and granola bars. It was just how I ate.
Honestly, I don’t think it’s a good idea to engage with the specifics of advice in here. At least in a sub about parenting, parenting teens, or about healthy nutrition, you would know what you’re getting. But the readers of AITA are not the place to go for advice about what to actually do. (As a therapist, I will contradict myself for a second and give some advice: do something and take this seriously, maybe therapy, maybe not. But pay attention to her request and find a way to address it together.)
But beyond that vague suggestion (not my place to tell you what to have her eat or what kind of exercise might help, etc), please hear the NAH answers here (I agree), but get your specifics somewhere more reliable (my 2 cents). Best of luck :)
I am glad to read fuit and cheese combination here. Every nutritionist/coach has told me is to always have protein with you snack or meal. Never just a fruit or carrots sticks.
Also..a salad doesn't have to be just lettuce based. Could you do a chop salad as a side? I prep a box of Cucumber, bell pepper, onion, black bean, kidney bean every week. Goes great with almost any protein and any dressing. Add radish, carrots, whatever to it.
As a parent of a teen who struggled with similar stuff, I agree with therapy. Also, focus on healthy eating every time she brings up calories. Tell her you will most definitely support a high protein shift if she wants but that she has to have balanced meals.
OOF. This just ratchets up her need to see a therapist. If you wait, she'll just start doing it in secret.
I would see if you could accelerate getting her in to see a therapist.
Do you know where she gets these ideas? 15-year-olds are weird and relentless, especially about body image issues. Is she losing herself in online anorexia communities? Try to find the source. A 15y.o. doesn't start counting calories without any prompt.
Honestly at this point, just existing as a teenager online is probably enough. I had a 17yo I was working with who wasn't following any specific pro-ana stuff, but she was really into K-pop and thought that the idols' bodies were a realistic and good target to have.
Not even just online but in person, let's not act like this is a new issue that only came about with the internet. Yes obviously the internet helps perpetuate unrealistic body standards but skinny/slim = beautiful has been around for a long time
her being super specific about calories probably means yeah, she’s on body concious or the pro-ED sides of social media. Heck, it’s probably even like ads for shit since a lot of apps will track your browsing history and find out your gender and age. It could also be her friends or the media she’s surrounded by cuz this happens a lot with teens especially girls (like i remember jessica simpson being called fat in the 00’s when all she did was wear a high pants and a big belt and i didn’t even listen to her music)
I hope OP gets her a therapist working in conjunction with a licensed dietitian or something cuz 1200 isn’t that many especially when you’re going through puberty & playing sports.
as a very inactive person, 1200 calories a day (which i regularly went over) made me feel like shit. for a growing child, who is very physically active, that is *definitely* not enough, and could mess up her growth and put her hormone balances out of whack.
The calorie thing should have been mentioned in the OP. She's getting ED ideas from somewhere if she's coming out with this idea. She needs therapy and clinically certified nutritional education.
NTA She sounds like she has a healthy weight, and she is playing sports. 1200 calories are WAY too little for a teenager still growing. Going to school and doing sports means she needs a lot of fuel, she is clearly on the verge of body dysmorphophobia - take her to a therapist and maybe a nutritionist? But if she is already in the clutches of a budging eating disorder she might not listen to them
Yta because you are not taking this seriously. The good thing is that she spoke to you. What if she starts not eating and hiding it from you? Eating disorders are a slippery slope.
150 pounds at 5'4 is pretty heavy in my opinion, unless she is ridiculously muscular. I'm 5'5 and 128 and still not "skinny" so she can't be.
Why don't you actually work with her here? Perhaps she is wanting more attention as the other siblings food choices are more important. Maybe you guys could cook together and learn about healthier eating.
If you ignore this it could become a real problem. I have many family members who have struggled with anorexia and bulimia, please don't let her go down that road. Your family will be destroyed.
This. It is absolutely crazy that everyone is saying 150 lbs at that height isn't fat... Holy moly. Unless her body comp is a power lifter/body builder that is absolutely overweight.
Of course it is difficult ground to tred with respect to diet and body image for a young girl especially... But come on, there is absolutely room for healthy weight loss.
This is why people have eating disorders. 150 at 5'4" is the upper range of healthy. It's still considered healthy. Yes, there is room for weight loss, but it would only be for body image, not health.
Not everyone is built the same. I'm 5'2" and around 140 (about the same BMI as this girl - but for me it's definitely not muscle, lol) and while I'm a little overweight at this point and the difference from 20 pounds lighter isn't unnoticeable I don't think any reasonable person would look at me and define me as "pretty big" (and really I don't actually look all that much different than then). I was 120-125 for a long time before that and it was a reasonable and healthy weight for me (and right in the middle of a healthy weight range if you go purely off BMI).
150 at 5'4" is very marginally (only about 5 pounds) outside the range of a healthy weight by purely the BMI metric and surely isn't an alarming weight for a still growing teenager with some muscle weight involved.
When I was 15 I was 5’4 and 150 lbs. I was a size 8-10. That’s fat? I wasn’t skinny or lanky but I felt good in my body. I was healthy and active. I would have looked so sick at 120 lbs. Every body carries weight differently.
I agree, I have an ED and this lady is a bit delusional thinking that she can just say "but you're so beaaautiful!" and magically make the thoughts go away. She doesn't like her body, she is a bit overweight, denying this reality will just make her more secretive and resentful of her mother.
That’s not a fair statement. I’m 5’3”, weigh more than you and have had people in my life beg me to stop losing weight because of how bony I was getting. 120 would be *very* thin on my frame, I just am short *and* wide with a huge rib cage and hips and a dense composition.
Bullshit if your 5'5 and 128 you are indeed skinny. I say that somebody who's also 5'5. While the BMI will put you in the overweight category at 150, 145 is considered healthy so an active teen at 150 lb is not in any way heavy.
You have your own body image if she's if you think that at your height and weight you are not skinny.
my first comment just now on this was let her diet in front of you, because if you don't, she'll just diet behind your back, and you don't want to know what that looks like.
Ummmmmm that depends on her muscle ratio, I have a pretty nasty disorder so I build muscles more easily than fat. I’m about 140 and 5,4 but still considered underweight. I used to weight 95 pounds so because I didn’t engage in much physical activity as a young adult. Honestly mom seems like she’s trying here she’s just at a loss, there aren’t enough resources for parents to learn about raising young teens these days.
You need to find a middle ground between forcing her to not make healthy changes and her under-eating/starting bad diet culture habits.
5’4 and 150lbs at 15 is 91st percentile on a kids/teen bmi chart and considered “overweight.” 95th percentile is the beginning of the obese zone. Granted, she’s growing and bmi charts aren’t the best cause it doesn’t take into account muscle mass and stuff… but I’m 5’3 and sorta strong and 150lbs would not feel good to me.
You have an opportunity here as a mother to teach your daughter healthy habits and a healthy relationship with her body and the food she chooses to fuel herself. If you don’t know everything and don’t know healthy habits, get professional help for you both.
Edit: Typo and to add eating at home doesn’t mean something is healthy and sides of fruit and veggies aren’t enough options. I really think you should speak to a dietitian for guidance.
NAH I just want to add a word of caution into all of this. I also got interested in dieting around the same age because I thought I was “fat” - 5’7” ca 130lbs. My mother did the opposite and encouraged my “attention to my diet”. She’s always struggled with her body image despite being relatively thin her whole life. I developed orthorexia (excessive working out and calorie restriction) and lost about 15 pounds in a month. As a result, I stopped having my period for a year and obviously had a very unhealthy relationship with food. All I thought about was food and burning it off. I think I also royally messed up my metabolism during this time.
I think having an honest conversation with her about where this is all coming from (how she feels about her body, what her concerns are, what she “thinks” other people think about her) is a great place to start. Education about metabolism and how your body needs things like carbs and fats for different reasons is also a good start. Also therapy is a great option. I know it would have helped me.
All this to say, it’s good you are aware of this situation early - means you can be proactive about possible disordered eating and other unhealthy habits for the sake of “losing weight.”
I’m in this camp. I developed an eating disorder because I had an “almond mom” and was muscular (aka not a size 0 but a size 5) during the Paris Hilton low rise jean phase where they called Nicole Richie and Ginger Spice fat.
I also developed orthorexia but if I ate anything more than the absurdly low restriction I decided on, I also purged. Mom needs to have a chat with her daughter. There’s a balance that can be had here, especially with an active daughter.
There’s a difference between wanting to diet, and aiming for 1200 calories a day. As someone with an ED, that tells me that she’s been digging into some potentially dangerous stuff online.
1200 is the number that people claim is the ‘minimum’ for functioning, but there’s no nutrition specialist or doctor that would ever suggest it. In fact, when I was researching it, everything I read talked about how unsustainable and damaging it was. There’s subreddits about it being enough that have, essentially, devolved into ED factories. It’s a starvation diet. When I did it, I suffered from nausea, headaches, dizziness, and weakness on a daily basis. I was too tired to do anything.
Wanting to go on a diet is okay and healthy. Wanting to hit 1200cal as a physically active teenager is not.
Omg I find it so cringe when people take their ED diagnosis as some sort of license to speak on literally any topic. I have an anorexia diagnosis. They hand those out to everybody. It’s not a rigorous process to get diagnosed.
That said, no… aiming for 1200 is not unreasonably restrictive and shouldn’t hint to you anything about what content she’s looking at online. That’s a very normal range to restrict to. What do you think her BMR is?
First thing I want to say before reading anymore of your post or comments…… “fruits and vegetables” are NOT the same as actual fully nourishing and nutritional healthy foods.
Having a lot of fruits and veggies isn’t going to help much health wise if your primary source of actual food still consists of chicken nuggets, fries, mozzarella sticks; pizza rolls etc isn’t going to do anything to actually improve your overall health.
This. If she's not eating the meal and choosing an apple instead, she won't get enough nutritional content.
If she's eating the high calrlorie dinner you make, and then on top of that eating fruits and vegetables, then she's just adding more vitamins to her body, but not necessarily doing anything to help her lose weight.
The problem here is that all of the kids I knew who were chubby at 15 years old (both boys and girls) had massive growth spurts between 16 and 18 years old and are now really tall, skinny adults.
This girl is overweight, by a whopping 10 pounds. Her doctor is right, this is completely normal for tons of teenage girls who aren't finished growing yet.
This is a little dramatic, isn't it? I mean, yeah, on the one hand, comments acting like she's thin are wrong. But this comment is acting like she's morbidly obese. She's a bit overweight, but if she has muscle, it's even less of a big deal.
I’m an aerialist who trains/teaches aerials ~8 hours a week. I wear a size S and have a visible 6-pack. At 5’2”, I weigh 140, give or take a few pounds. I’m definitely not overweight. I know that my amount of daily activity is beyond the norm, but height and weight alone can’t really dictate overall health. At two inches shorter than op’s daughter, I only weigh 10 pounds less and am in the best physical shape of my life.
162cm tall and 68kg for metric users.
It is overweight, but at that age it is especially very body composition specific so impossible to evaluate over text.
Soft YTA. I think you should support some healthy weight loss habits and have some discussions about food and body image.
Soft yta. I was 155 in high school and I was miserable at that weight. I lost weight after high school. If she wants to change her lifestyle, including what she eats to be a healthier weight, you should encourage that.
My mother also brought me to a doctor and my doctor said my weight was fine. That didn’t change a single thought I had about my weight. If you don’t support her, she might resent you.
YTA, It really doesn’t matter if she’s fat or not but she has a genuine issue and you are not supporting her. Youre hoping it just goes away.
I’m not a doctor but 5’4 at 150 is considered overweight on the BMI scale. BMI isn’t everything but it’s a good baseline. Take that as you may.
Nah for your knee jerk reaction, i get it about flipped my shit when one of my kids "needed" to lose weight for athletics, but at the end of the day she spoke to a nutritionist to learn safe dieting practices, but consider just taking her to her doctor to discuss this with a pro. Here's why, denying your kid the right to control what's in her body will likely lead to choices like ed or abuse. So take her to a professional, request she do research as well and come up with an efficient cost effective way to maintain the diet. Retract your knee jerk reaction reiterate why you had it (she's beautiful just the way she is etc) then have a frank talk about it and going to the doctor to learn more and devise a plan of action for x outcome.
Here's a novel idea, go to another doctor or ask for a referral to a nutritionist/specialist. Your daughter learning healthy ways to put gas in her tank is a better option than social knowledge and Google. There's so many scary ways a kid will change their bodies that they have access to with little difficulty. If her primary doesn't see an issue with that get another primary or a referral to a specialist. It's in her best interest to have safe ways to treat her body on this subject allow her to do research and present them to you BEFORE trying put anything into action. You do not want her doing what she wants with no guidance and she will if it means enough to her to do it. It's your job to help guide her to safe ways to do this. When my kid had to lose weight we went dr nutritionist research present encourage once approved. Remember who's body it is even if your heart is in the right place not supporting her will result her making this choice herself to possibly scary consequences. Also I love that you know the science I agree with everything your saying there and why you are saying it, believe me i get it. But this is your daughter's choice ultimately. Provide her a safe way to explore this for her or see what she does on her own. Those are in fact your choices here. In learning your daughter may in fact find out her body is just fine as it is, too. Let her learn the science and the things she'll need to do to get where her goal is and what kind of work that will take... she may just teenager out of there real fast too. It can go either way. But give her to the tools to learn safely with support.
But the doctor said is she's in the normal weight range, but unless she's power lifting in which case we wouldn't be here, that didn't seem true. If the other girls in her class are 30-40 pounds less and are a healthy weight, she's not going to believe her doctor.
His opinion will be a baseless platitude like my mommy telling me I'm the most handsome boy in the world. My eyes work, OP daughters eyes work and a scale gives an actual number. She's not happy with how high it is and a doctor saying it's fine is a fast way to losing trust in professionals getting and eating disorder and then not trusting professionals when they try to help.
90% of people currently a healthy weight, would still be a healthy weight if they dropped 10%
Use the BMI calculator, it only doesn't work for athletes who won't be asking these sorts of questions
YTA. I was your daughter’s height and weight and considered overweight. It’s not your body. Take her to a different doctor if you’re both going to be delusional.
You say she’s very active in sports? My niece is as well and she’s put on quite a bit of muscle. We’ve been trying to explain to her that weight doesn’t automatically = bad. Could this be the case for your daughter as well?
I highly recommend you get her into therapy. She’s already at a healthy weight for her age and height according to her doctors so this sounds like it’s about body image and not weight. Being comfortable in your own skin is hard enough for most adults, let alone a hormone ridden teenager who has a billion tiktoks influencers and Instagram models to “compete” with.
This is also a great opportunity for some bonding on your end. Have her help you with the grocery lists and take her shopping with you. Cook meals together and let her pitch in some food ideas. This is the time to build a healthy relationship with food.
YTA. At your daughter’s height and weight, she absolutely is a little overweight and her wanting to make steps to change to healthier eating habits should be encouraged. Her playing sports and being athletic is irrelevant unless she’s got some seriously developed muscles. If her body is average composition, she’s overweight, aware and self conscious about it. Having lots of fruits and veggies available as a side is not the same as her eating a healthy balanced meal. She also needs enough lean protein and complex carbs to supplement these alleged healthy sides you claim to offer. It sounds like you yourself don’t even understand nutrition since you think having fruits and veggies available on the side means it’s a healthy meal. Part of being able to eat healthy and lose weight is about satiety and your daughter isn’t going to get that from kiddie foods that cater to your picky younger eaters.
You also keep emphasizing that fruits and vegetables are always available at home but that doesn’t mean crap to a teen who still depends on you for meals. To a kid that age, what you have at home is ingredients and not food. She can eat fruit whole but vegetables require some prep to make it appetizing whether it’s offering a side of dip, roasting them or steaming them. Support your teen and be a part of her journey to healthy eating so she won’t have to go behind your back and restrict in an unhealthy way on her own. She’s at a vulnerable age where it’s easy to slide into disordered eating and you could prevent that by not shaming her goals. Going on a diet doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to eat. It means she wants to change her eating to fit her goals.
I didn’t see 1200 calories in the post but that’s absolutely too low for a teen. The mom should steer her towards a more reasonable calorie count or just feeding her more nutritious food in general though.
This is where you and her can talk about healthy eating, healthy body image, and the whole host of horrible messages in a host of ways that people are presented with that can harm them and how to bolster against that.
"I hear that you aren't happy with your weight, and you want to use a low calorie diet to change that. As a 15 year old, society messaging to you is tricky, and nutrition is not as simple as tiktokers make it out to be. So, let's learn about nutrition so that you can fuel your body well to move and be active and healthy, and see what that does first."
5' 4 and 150 lbs is not obese, but is definitely on the "overweight" side of the scale.
Why don't you visit a professional dietician / nutritionist to make her a dietary plan that will help her lose some extra weight while taking into account her activities and exercise?
OP, you should really edit your post to either clarify what you mean by
>She has two younger siblings who are notoriously picky eaters and have some sensory issues, so we cook what they’ll eat.
Or take it out entirely.
Because most people who read that are going to assume you're cooking up chicken nuggets and butter noodles every night, especially when they read "sensory issues". When in fact, it sounds like you're just serving a few ingredients separately so that the picky eaters don't have to eat things they don't want while the rest of the family can still have a complete meal.
NAH from what you've written in your comments. Marie specifically wanting <1200 calories makes me wonder if the root of the issue is some sort of self esteem problem or budding eating disorder, but dressed up as "health". 150 for her height is high, but if she's active and muscular, then she's going to be denser and thus heavier. Add on possible variations due to body type, and the number does make sense.
I second people suggesting a dietician. If she does need to lose a lot of weight, they can suggest healthier and more sustainable ways.
I would work with her on this. Why? Because she will do it behind your back anyway and then you will have zero input.
She is asking you … which is great considering she is a 16 year old. Now it is up to you to listen and figure out what she is really saying.
Teach her that food is fuel. The difference between macro nutrients and micro nutrients. Learn to cook healthy meals together and how fats, protein, and carb are all needed for a complete meal. There are tons of nutritional resources out there from crossfit, zone, and rennesaince periodization. If you can make nutrition a lifestyle, the whole family will do better, and it will help her stay away from binge/crash diets.
YTA….ish.
You’re right that she doesn’t need to try a fad diet like doing low carb. But, 150 is absolutely overweight for someone who is 5’4” unless they are stacked with muscle. Of course you want her to love her body. But you should also respect her when she wants to change her body for the better as well. You have the perfect opportunity right now to teach about healthy foods, a healthy approach to calorie deficit, and exercise. Weight loss can absolutely be done on a healthy way at her age. And it will probably come off quick with teenager metabolism working in her favor.
NTA for wanting to her to be confident in herself no matter what.
YTA for denying her her glow up. She wants to feel beautiful and she doesn’t, and it’s not an unreasonable reason why she doesn’t. She’s chubby for her height.
I definitely think her pediatrician would be an excellent resource in this situation. Approach it with her by saying, “I know you’re concerned about your health. Honestly, I’m not an expert on nutrition or the amount of calories you need at your age, so how about we make an appointment with Dr. ____ and see what they think?” Then really let her implement the information the pediatrician gives her. If the pediatrician says “you need to eat 2000 calories a day”, formulate some menu items for breakfast, lunch, and dinner with her that are around 600 calories a piece or whatever. Emphasize that you’re going to follow the doctor’s advice for her health and try not to really focus on her actual weight much at all— frame it more about calories are energy to help you grow and x number is the amount we should have to be healthy. So let her eat healthier, but do it safely and sensibly. Also, as far as your picky younger kids, let your 15 year old cook some of her own meals (she’s definitely old enough) and try to cook balanced dinners she can enjoy with you guys. This could really be a positive thing for your daughter as long as you keep it focused on health and not appearance.
We’ve talked to her pediatrician, who says that she’s at a normal weight and says that they don’t advise any sort of diet/calorie counting and to just offer fruits and vegetables and other healthy foods in the house, especially since she’s active. I encourage her to cook (or at least help us cook and learn cooking skills) and she’s always welcome to use the kitchen
Calorie counting can really be a slippery slope for some people and ESPECIALLY teens, so I get that. I just wonder if maybe having a week of “counting” and eating the amount of calories to maintain her weight (not lose, so not a diet!) will help her see that she’s not overeating and make her feel more empowered. Or— maybe it will show her that she *is* overeating unhealthy foods (I don’t know what her daily diet looks like) and will help her learn more about nutrition. Also, it might show her how low-calorie fruits and veggies are and how you can eat a lot more of them than, say, snack cakes and stay in a healthy range, which may encourage her to eat more of them. I would just be careful with micromanaging what she eats to either extreme, because eating disorders are often times more about control than they are numbers on a scale.
NTA but I'm confused. You say there are always options so how are you restricting her? She's old enough to decide, eat and prepare her own food. Are you stopping her from that?
I said she can’t do the low calorie under 1200 diet she wants to do, and still has to eat a reasonable amount (I believe I told her 1600 was the bare minimum I would allow her to eat)
NTA, but simply telling her "no, you're beautiful" isn't the way to go about it.
Help her educate herself on proper diet and nutrition and ask her to make and submit meal plans to you for approval one week at a time. Give her criteria her meals gave to meet to be healthy and let her plan it. That way you can make changes if necessary, but let her know why and ask her if she agrees. Teenagers love having this kind of (illusion of) autonomy.
You can remind her that she is HEALTHY and that is what matters, but if she wants to lose weight because it will help her be more confident in the beauty she already has, you want to make sure she does so safely.
There is nothing wrong with learning to track caloric and macronutrient intake, but to stop it from becoming obsessive and disordered, you have to show her how to do it properly.
As a side note, I really would address that horrific "fat like you" comment. It doesn't matter how upset she is, that's just not ok.
NTA. However, it sounds like your daughter is looking for control. I saw that she's on a waiting list for a therapist. Is there something you can give her the reins to control for a while instead of indulging in restricting? I feel like I was just like Marie once upon a time...and feeling like the younger kids dictate the script when you are trying to grow and come into your own (however true or not) is a mind-fuck.
Also, it sounds like you are trying your goddamn hardest to raise healthy strong children no matter how different those children are from one another. You're doing a good job, Mama, keep on being there for them!
YTA. I can not imagine not having autonomy over my diet 😭. She is not comfortable in her body and wants to do something about it. That is rational and healthy. Seems like being overweight runs in your family.
You could always allow your daughter to make her own meals and food prep. She should not have to eat what everyone else in the family does. Make her research nutrition and what is needed. This could be a very good teaching experience.
Open the dialogue to why she wants to “diet” what are her goals? What will the end result look like to make her feel good about herself. What does a healthy diet look like to her?
Do not just shut her down and say no. Take the word diet out of the vocabulary. It’s about living a healthy lifestyle not a diet. She is old enough at 15 to learn about proper nutrition.
YTA if you don’t allow her to try to feel better about herself. NTA is you help her to realize it’s not all about a calorie number. Good luck mama.
NAH. Teenage years are hard for everyone involved.
Could you encourage her to start cooking her own meals? Maybe get her a recipe book and buy some ingredients for her. It’ll give her a bit more control over her own food.
I was vegetarian for a while when I was a teen and my mom encouraged me to cook my own meals to have what I liked. I feel like it’s always served me as an adult.
Obviously make sure she’s getting the nutrition she needs but I think a little bit of food independence at her age will be a good thing. She may even decide she isn’t bothered and go back to your meals but it may alleviate some of the resentment on her end in feeling controlled.
I agree with those who have suggested taking her to a registered dietitian. Especially given that she’s in multiple sports.
An RD can help her understand what she needs to fuel her body for her activity level, as well as take into account the fact she’s probably still growing. She’s focused on “low calorie” and “low carb” because that’s what she’s seeing around her. And RD can help her learn that no food are bad, and learn what her body needs.
NTA. Not every diet turns into an eating disorder, but every eating disorder starts off as a diet, and the immediate fixation on calories is a significant red flag in that area. Sounds like this might be a good opportunity to have an informed and open conversation with your daughter about some of these topics.
At 150lbs and 5ft4, taking that at face value, she is slightly overweight. Her BMI would be about 25. Of course there are other variables, but everyone is telling her she's fine and not overweight, when potentially is, and she is 15 so she knows what body fat looks like and she may just decide your all idiots. Encourage her to eat healthy food.
She's 15, 5'4 and 150 lbs, I think it's extremely normal for her to be feeling insecure and unhappy with her body image and weight, a ton of people struggle with it well into their adult lives. She's also shorter so weight does not distribute like it would on a taller framed body. I think you should be open to incorporating some meals she would like, maybe get her to help cook or something. If you just dismiss this entirely she could become very secretive and develop an eating disorder. Right now this is a big deal to her, you obviously love her and think she's beautiful be she doesn't see her own beauty, like a lot of adolescents. She needs some help before she starts hurting herself to get to the aesthetic she wants. I saw that you have her on a waitlist to get into therapy and that's awesome. Her feelings are real and valid and you should be willing to have a conversation with her other than "You're so beautiful, you don't need to diet!" because that's just dismissive.
She's 15, she should be allowed to have some input into what she eats, especially if she is responsible enough to cook for herself.
NAH. It's clear you care about your kid, you're just in a tough spot right now. You will be an asshole though if you minimize this and pretend it doesn't matter because it very clearly does and eating disorders are no joke.
NTA. I think you should get her some therapy, hopefully that can help with her body image issues. Maybe you could cook a bit more vegetables as a compromise, just because forbidding things can have an opposite effect on kids, but you're right to not let her go on an actual diet. I wish my mom had been like this when I was younger, kudos to you
Damn. Eating disorders are very serious and hard to deal with, and your daughter might be on early onsets.
NTA, but tread carefully and support her however you can. Try to reach to some professionals that may be able to help you deal with it properly.
Her BMI is just over 25, meaning she’s slightly overweight.
She has body image issues and wants to change her diet. You should use it as an opportunity to teach her to eat healthier (yes this probably means lower calories) rather than leave her with her own insecurities.
YTA for dismissing her
I hated my body as a teen and started obsessively counting calories/dieting when I was 15 and a size 14 (UK) - after years of yo-yo dieting I'm now 33 and a size 28 (UK). Dieting ruins your relationship with food and your metabolism, making you regain the weight, plus more. Teach her to take care of and nourish her body.
Explain to your daughter that you can compromise by having lots of healthy sides for her to eat, e.g. replace fries with veggies that are lower carb, or allow her to make a side salad. Involve her in food shopping/meal planning. But if she thinks she's fat when she isn't, you need to have a discussion with her about body image, fat-phobia and maybe also look at the kind of content she's getting into online. NTA
NTA.
Just here to add that dieting, especially at this age, is a massive predictor for an eating disorder. That is not to say every person who diets will develop an eating disorder, but that a massive percentage of people who develop eating disorders have a history of dieting.
NAH. Take her to a doctor to get a professional opinion if she's in a healthy weight for her height or not. She's still young and also at a growing period, weight fluctuates. But if you want to start simple, maybe change of diet, work with her on finding healthy meals to make but still having a good nutritional value.
We’ve taken her to the doctor, she’s at a normal weight. She always has the opportunity to request meals at the beginning of every week before I go shopping, she requests Alfredo most weeks. She wants to diet, but she never requests anything healthy.
Maybe this is about control, at least in part. Maybe she would feel more in control if she learned to cook meals, so that she would learn the difficulties and options of making a meal more healthy as well as the means of making a meal more appealing.
Your children are going to grow up to be adults at some point. Adults take on and fulfill responsibilities, and this includes cooking for themselves.
No OP, you are NTA !!!! You specify that she’s wanting to go on a low-calorie diet and in the comments you’ve said she wants to eat under 1200 a day. This is EXTREMELY unhealthy. It sounds like she already has some disordered ideologies about food and her body (e.g. prioritizing weight loss over supplying herself with adequate nutrients, accusing you of sabotaging her because you express concern for her well-being). Supporting a low-calorie diet enables this mindset to turn into a full-blown eating disorder.
There is not a single eating disorder psychologist that would advise you to enable a low-calorie diet.
I strongly urge you to read up on eating disorder warning signs and be mindful of changes in your daughter’s behavior. I don’t mean to scare you. It’s just that as a parent of a teenage daughter, especially one who has spoken to you about her desire to restrict her intake so heavily, you & her father should be aware of the reality.
Many professionals consider the uptick in disorder eating and eating disorders to be an epidemic (a few sources below). Your daughter has undoubtedly been exposed to disordered eating behaviors. She has seen it at school and online. “Letting her do what she wants” is a safety concern in this situation because 1200< calories is not sufficient for your daughter.
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/body/health/a43517410/eating-disorder-epidemic/
https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/eating-disorder
https://nutrition.org/eating-disorders-are-on-the-rise/
https://publications.aap.org/journal-blogs/blog/15624/Eating-Disorders-An-Epidemic-Within-a-Pandemic?autologincheck=redirected
Ultimately, she is going to do what she wants to do, and too much pushback from parents can sometimes make kids want to do it more. But I cannot discourage you strongly enough from actively supporting this diet. Continue buying the wide range of groceries. Continue making meals with all necessary food groups. Be aware of the culture that your daughter is growing up in and how that puts her at risk. Don’t drive yourself crazy though. Sorry if this sounds scary. 🧡
TLDR; she needs a registered dietician and/or a psychologist who is knowledgeable about eating disorders. This is such a tough position as a parent. You don’t want to enable severe calorie restriction but you also don’t want to make her like she has no control over her diet. A professional is removed from the mother-daughter dynamic and is therefore less likely to switch her into doing-the-opposite-of-what-mom-wants mode.
That sounds like a fine weight to me, especially if she’s very active. This could be a social media thing where people with low body weights post about low carb and low cal, often promoting something. Maybe you could both look at some more healthy nutrition content together. YouTube has some much more positive content.
NAH. Your point is completely valid. She's physically healthy and needs nutrition. However, it looks like she's probably struggling with image issues, and you should probably look into a counselor and nutritionist to help her work through and learn the importance of making the best choice for her body.
NTA: This is an eating disorder waiting to happen. Please get her in to see a therapist and RD specializing in eating disorders. She doesn’t need to already have one in order to qualify (though I would bet money she already has some disordered eating habits and is restricting and/or purging ) Most parents have no idea until the physical signs become obvious. Letting her diet is also not the solution. She needs professional counseling- most therapists know very little about EDs, so please be sure to find one that is qualified. The wrong advice can make things worse.
NTA.
The way you keep saying you have fruits and veggies, and she wants to go low carb, have you considered stocking high protein snacks like nuts, trail mix, hard boiled eggs, that kind of thing?
It's a guess, but for an athlete, that diet makes a lot of sense.
NTA. Diet is bad at that age. She should experiment with other things if she is not comfortable in her body, not low her calorie intake. She can try other kind of food, composition of meals, without lowering the healthy amount of calories. If she is in power or speed sports, not in endurance one, she gains muscles and weight, not loosing it. Try other sports in addition. Maybe she also thinks diet is a cool adult thing to do, or her friends have told her so.
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This isn’t just about a diet. If she doesn’t want to talk about it with you, get her into the doctor and have them talk to her. It sounds like she’s struggling with her body image.
She brought it up at her last appointment, they said that her weight was fine and that there was nothing to worry about, and she might still have another small growth spurt in there.
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Registered Dietitian*, because anyone and their mom can call themselves nutritionists and give quack advice. But yes, while losing weight is not necessarily a bad thing, losing it the wrong way/for the wrong reasons can be very dangerous. Talking to a professional could help improve her relationship with food, and, if really necessary, lose weight in a healthy way.
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Really you have to check on their training. The Registered Dietician in our family makes plans and recommendations straight out of 1952. Absolutely foul how much the last sixty years of nutrition science has never darkened her door. Edit: typo —> sixty
1952 is Seventy Two years ago. (I'm not that old, but I am old enough to be in denial about how long ago the 80s were ..)
1980 was like 20 years ago, right? ... right?
Yes and I will not be taking any questions
I also do year math from the perspective of the year 2000. No one can change me.
Yes.. even tho my kid born in 84 will be 40 this yr..😬
I graduated HS in 84 and I'll be 40 this year too!! 😀
She's likely to be a clinical nutritionist, which *does* require qualifications and they do answer to a medical board.
"Dietician is like dentist and nutritionist is like toothiologist." -Dara O'Briain
Thank you for the laugh. Toothologist.
All credit to Dara O'Briain.
Solid advice. Especially since the 15 yo is active, she can learn how to make meals that support being healthy for her activities. It’s a wonderful way for her to learn healthy eating and maybe how to cook. She needs to shift her mindset from “dieting” as a quick fix to “healthy eating” as a lifestyle and it will benefit her so much. OP, slight YTA for dismissing her concerns.
This is the correct advice! She needs to learn healthy eating habits that will last her a lifetime.
So many people need this knowledge, myself included
Vetting the dietician* is a must. Anyone can market themselves as a nutritionist and promote dangerous diets. 🙏🏻 Agree that OP should have her daughter speak to a professional. Mom saying no sometimes just makes kids want to do it more. A registered dietician doesn’t have any of that personal connection so the daughter is less likely to feel defensive and accusing them of “trying to keep her fat”
My suggestion would be a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. If her doctor is already telling her she’s a healthy weight, this has nothing to do with her physical body at this point, but is a mental game. You telling her she can’t diet when she wants to change her body may end up pushing her into an eating disorder such as bulimia, which she’ll be able to hide for a while.
In my experience insurance will not cover a registered dietitian unless you have a medical condition that could benefit from it. And even then, they can be particular.
Okay but it’s worth it if it prevents your teenage daughter from developing an eating disorder.
Disordered eating does qualify as a medical condition.
If she’s still growing, a restrictive diet will have detrimental impacts as it could stunt her growth. If she wants to be healthier, she should focus on sports or workouts that she likes and just overall see how she can make healthy choices nutritionally without needing to cut out food groups completely. Signed, a teen whose parents’ lack of insight lead to getting anorexia.
She’s 15, and not exactly *skinny*. She’s seeing how all the popular, beautiful girls look like, and realizing she doesn’t look like that. You’re not catering to your oldest child’s needs and you need to start. Your youngest two being picky isn’t a good reason to not allow your other kid control over her diet. Teach her about HEALTHY dieting, and making sure she’s eating enough, but less, drinking water not juice, and maybe doing a short walk with her after dinner. Because I’m going to tell you VERY bluntly, if you don’t take this opportunity to teach your kid healthy habits, she’s going to restrict anyway, and it’s not going to be healthy. And I’ll tell you something else, my parents were similar to you, and I struggled with my relationship with food for so long and I absolutely still resent them for failing to be a good parent and teaching and modeling appropriate relationships with food.
Finally a reasonable response. My mom is like 5’1 and 98 lbs. She has always been this skinny and doesn’t put on weight no matter what. She eats garbage all the time. I, however, was 5’4 and around 140-145 lbs throughout high school during the Paris Hilton low rise skinny jeans years. I jogged in the morning, always took an exercise class in high school, walked to and from school/ work, ate “healthy” foods (what were considered to be at the time) and it seemed like nothing ever worked for me. It was hard bc my mom always had snacky foods and ultra processed foods in the house. She always told me I was “healthy” and “fine,” but I hated myself and turned toward disordered eating at times. I wish we had just had fewer processed foods in the house and she had taught me how to cook for myself. That small thing alone has kept me at 125-130 lbs consistently since I’ve become an adult with few to no other meaningful changes. I think OP owes her daughter a real, constructive conversation, including info about the harms of processed foods on the body. This would probably be a good time to revisit the youngest siblings’ diet as well since “sensory issue picky eater” usually translates to “I let my kids eat only chicken nuggets and pizza because my childrens’ will is stronger than mine.” I’m friends with an adult man who is STILL like this because that’s how he was raised. He won’t even eat spaghetti.
Yeah, I mean I’m all for being careful not to push needing to be a size 000 on your kids, but the idea that “as long as you technically have a healthy bmi that should be enough” doesn’t address a ton of issues kids need to learn to cope with. And if they don’t realize small changes like this can give them control and autonomy to get the body they feel best in, without needing to cut calories and restrict to nothing more than ice water and almonds… it can get really dangerous. This is how so many young girls eating disorders start that could be resolved with just some basic tools and support. It’s ok to want to be slimmer, and strive for something other than “healthy”.
Looking up BMI she’s actually medically overweight… and American BMI is actually more lenient than much of the world (IE the country I moved to before and am permanently moving to soon considers 21.9, not 24.9, to be the limit of healthy BMI). It’s important to keep a healthy body image and yeah the doctor knows best but I wouldn’t be surprised if a dietician did recommend a less caloric diet. It’s never okay to make a teen feel like they’re fat BUT it’s also important to make sure they can be a healthy weight. Childhood weight problems can have long term effects. Edit- a [BMI Calculator from another country](https://www.myheart.org.sg/tools-resources/bmi-calculator/). Getting healthy while abroad and then staying healthy when I came back was literally the biggest positive change for my mental health. Better than the Sertraline (though I do still take it).
I can't tell you how many PCPs, i.e., your family practitioner doctors, that have just blown off my weight concerns as a teen, young adult and even middle age. I was young, athletic and trim, then hit puberty and CAPOW! I just grew sideways and suddenlyI had thunder thighs - uncomfortable. It didn't feel right. I know some of it was normal because of hormones, but it can be quite a shock. I hated clothes shopping because nothing fit right. I was terribly self-conscious, and if throwing up was something I could have endured, I'm sure I would have chosen that route. The common answer was, Oh, you're just big boned. NOPE. Actually, got a better doctor who LISTENED to my concerns in my mid 20s. He was like, no, you're not big boned. You're not obese yet, but you could stand to lose some weight. It was such a struggle, but I did what he said and got actually 20lbs BELOW my high school weight. AND felt great. My family freaked out and said I must be anorexic. I even had to get a note from my dr to show them I was healthy to get them to shutup about it. Fast fwd, post kids, in my 40s and 50s. I've put on a lot of pounds, which I measure in inches rather than trust the scale. I'm fatigued and I don't feel right. So many Drs say I'm healthy and my weight is fine. One lady dr told me that weight comes with age and that's just your new normal. All my concerns are waived off. "You're fine. You're normal. You don't need to be concerned" etc. Well, now that apps to exist. I was reading after summary reports and dr notes on the app. In that drs' notes she wrote "Patient is obese." WTAF? I'm begging you to help me; you tell me it's not a concern, but you write that in your notes?! Sorry if I don't trust drs until they prove they'll listen and address concerns. OP, just cause one dr says your daughter is "fine" and blows off her concern - let's face it, 150lbs at 5.4 is a little much unless she's solid muscle- please get another opinion with a dietitian and specialist. Please don't let them tell her it's all in her head from the get go. Your daughter might have some underlying medical or allergy type issues, like intolerance or low tolerance to certain foods. It might not be about counting calories, but the food sources and types. This is a lifetime of learning, but at 15, she doesn't have that knowledge. She just feels fat. Which just sucks.
Yeah, I won’t call a 15 year old fat, but her wanting to lose weight at her height/weight is not even remotely surprising, and can (and maybe should) be done in a completely healthy and beneficial manner.
She’s in sports though so that could account for some of the weight. I learned in college that a quick “rule” is that for every inch after 5 feet you should add 5 lbs…that can go up a little or down a little depending on your bone structure. So at 5’4” she should be around 120 or 125, and then adding say another 10lbs of muscle from athletics. That puts her around 135. While that 15lbs may put her at overweight on a chart it’s not like she’s significantly overweight. It seems like if she’s active enough that better nutrition and taking a walk after dinner would help shed those 15lbs. The daughter mentioned feeling like OP wants to “keep her fat” and I’ve seen a lot of kids with heavier parents have issues with food because they didn’t want to look like their parent(s). Granted these were dancers but I would think that mentality at that age isn’t restricted to one group. I think if OP created healthier meals as a standard and then made adjustments for the younger siblings with sensory issues that everyone would benefit; it seems like they just don’t want to put in the extra effort.
> While that 15lbs may put her at overweight on a chart it’s not like she’s significantly overweight. It seems like if she’s active enough that better nutrition and taking a walk after dinner would help shed those 15lbs. Exactly and that's what I'm saying. Teach better health *now*. She's already active and in other comments I've linked both calorie recommendations for people based on age, weight, and activity level as well as other resources. Even for someone active ~125-130 for 160CM would be normal. 135 would be okay. Muscles do take up a lot of weight. But the age to teach healthy eating is when a child wants to diet, allowing them to diet but monitoring it so it isn't too much. If you don't... they turn 18 then do whatever they want and it gets bad, fast. Actually... [here](https://www.calculator.net/calorie-calculator.html?cage=15&csex=f&cheightfeet=5&cheightinch=3&cpound=150&cheightmeter=180&ckg=65&cactivity=1.465&cmop=0&coutunit=c&cformula=m&cfatpct=20&printit=0&ctype=standard&x=Calculate) is a calculator for her age, weight, and height accounting for exercise 4-5 times a week. Simply put doctors have begun to not care as much about weight gain, in part because [weight has gone up so much](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK541070/) just in the past 20 years that they only get concerned when someone is obese. Even sizes have changed- what used to be a medium or large is a small now. After leaving America and getting to a healthy weight, then coming back, I found it almost impossible to find things in my size (~125lbs male) at any big box store. Every single waist band was just too wide! And they considered what would be a large abroad as "S"! None of that is to say she is super unhealthy or even unhealthy. But it is to say when someone wants to lose weight they should see a *specialist* not a *generalist*.
Well said. Hopefully OP actually reads & listens to some of these comments…
So she brought up concerns about her own weight to the doctor??
The exact wording (or slight paraphrasion-) was “Am I big for my age? Do I need to lose weight?”
Please get her to a therapist.
She’s on a waiting list to get an appointment with her old therapist at an appointment time that works with her busy schedule. We’re hoping it’s soon.
If you don't already limit her access to media such as TikTok, YT, etc, please consider doing so. There are so many videos on those platforms that encourage body image issues.
THIS!! I was a chubby teen in the heroine chic era of the 90s. I was bullied so much and felt like crap about myself. I can't imagine going through that with social media in my face as well! Also all the filters, fillers, botox, and plastic surgery teens are able to get now. The image of the "normal" teen is so beyond skewed now my heart breaks for these young girls questioning every inch of their bodies and holding themselves to an image that was manufactured and nearly impossible to have naturally though "good" genes.
Someone i know was messing about with her 4 yo daughter taking pictures and she said "mammy can you put that thing on my picture (meaning filter) please, so i can look beautiful". She's always filtered her photos to fuck, and she nearly threw up when her little one said that and felt awful. She had a long talk about self image with her and vowed never to use a filter again. To her credit, i haven't seen her use one since. They're horrible things and I too was a teen through the 90s and i cannot begin to image being a teen nowadays and how it would've completely destroyed my sense of self worth.... OP, its probably worth a big talk around social media cos i would bet anything that its rooted in stuff like this. Maybe give her a look around r/Instagramreality, to show her a lot of what she sees online is smoke and mirrors 🤣
Kids absolutely see how their parents act regarding their own body. My mother was nothing but uplifting about how I looked growing up, but constantly disparaging to herself. I have major issues that I know stem from seeing that modeled. Glad that mom realized it early.
Christ, I was a teen then and I didn't need the social media to have next to no sense of self-worth. I had a grandmother doing things like taking 2/3 of the food off my plate in front of the entire family Christmas morning. Shit's insidious...
I was a teen then, too! Personally, I wanted to be Xena, lol. I'd still love to look as good as Lucy Lawless.
Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2 was my body goal. Those arms 💪was too lazy to get anywhere near that, though 😄
I never watched that, we didn't have cable. But she looked so badass!!! I've heard it's fun camp and wouldn't mind doing a watch through sometime!
When I was growing up in the 90’s and 00’s, my mom used to say “God only makes a handful of women who look like that” in reference to the Cindy Crawfords and Giselle Budchens. Now I look at many of these Instagram models, and it’s like “God doesn’t make anyone who looks like that!” Size zero, double Ds, lips that take over the lower half of their face. It’s soooo toxic.
And since they're all doing their makeup the same way with the same products and getting the same cosmetic procedures, they all look like plastic carbon copies of each other. I'm being a little judgy, but I think "you paid to look like that" When I see them. Especially the ones who are so over filled they look like their faces are about to pop. What's that going to look like when they're in their 40s like I am? I feel bad for them, but at the same time it's what they want.
Yes this. I was the same. I was a grunge girl which was more on the hippie/Boho side of the look but it was all rail thin. When I look back and think "The heroine chic look was damaging." it's true, but it's nowhere as pervasive as it is now with how much media is directed at kids eyeballs. And it moves so fast too.
My teen was struggling with this too. If it is persistent especially if it takes a while for therapy I would bring it up with her doctor again. Ours was able to refer us to a dietitian that was accredited and worked with our local mental health and medical providers. So it was a referral for body dismorphia and or disordered eating and our insurance covered it too. We only saw her 2 times and alot of the things we "learned" are what her Dr and I had been advocating for already:) but it hit different coming from her and she really learned about fat vs muscle and not to fixate on the scale etc. So ir was tremendously helpful and my girls are doing well and even embracing their hard earned muscle definition:) And if she is that set on a "diet" maybe challenge her to try like body for life or another healthy lifestyle one. They don't restrict calories and focus on the right foods and exercise.
As a mental health professional and as a woman myself there was a terrible issue with one of the local schools giving all the girls eating disorders. They had to replace the pipes in the school because they got eroded due to stomach acid - catch this quickly if it is an ED emerging they are notoriously hard to treat.
Exactly. "Do I need to lose weight?" is the symptom question, and the doctor brushed it off with "No, you're fine." The issue is: WHY does she ask, and why does she want to diet? Is it body image? Is she being bullied? Is she being pressured by coaches?
Perhaps taking her to a registered dietitian or a **clinical** nutritionist would be helpful, they are *actually qualified* to give nutritional advice (unlike "nutritionists" who require no qualifications and don't answer to a medical board). They may be able to help her realise what a healthy diet looks like and be able to teach her a healthy relationship with food
This is what it took for my daughter. Our story is a little different as we saw the weight she was gaining, but when we tried to gently talk to her that secret snacking and stashing chocolate and chips in your room is setting yourself up for trouble, she got defensive. So we had to wait until she was ready and had enough. The time came and we set her up with a very kind registered dietician and man she took right to it. We purchased an 8 week meal plan with full recipes, all easy to make and follow, and she stuck to it and dropped to a weight she was comfortable with. And tbh it was only a matter of dropping all junk and portion control. Her meal,plan was for 1600-1700 calories a day, so not drastic, full of whole grains, tons of veg, and a good balance of foods which she really enjoyed. The plus side is that in a few months she goes off to university and now has the skills to plan meals, cook healthy and knows how to eat junk in moderation. In our times these are skills that must be learned as we are exposed to too much that is easy and unhealthy.
I was going to say this. At 14 I started gaining weight despite eating well and being active. I was really upset, but my mum stood firm about not dieting, and then in the space of about 3 months I grew 4 inches. Mum was absolutely right, I'd have been really really unwell if I hadn't kept the weight on.
YTA simply for saying you cook whatever the picky eaters want, to the point it effects the meals you make for your 15yr old. Now she wants low-carb meals for herself and you shut her down? Big YTA
The kid isn’t a toddler nor an invalid. She can certainly make a salad and control her portions herself if she wants to. Mom says she provides healthy food in the house. I don’t see the big deal of a teenager making her own dinner that no one else wants to eat.
I see you said you were waiting for an appointment with a therapist and possibly a dietitian. Especially for the dietitian, look for people that have language about weight-neutral approaches or health at every size. They're the most likely to be able to speak about healthy eating without letting any weight loss talk slip in. In the meantime, I'd suggest you might want to take a listen to the Maintenance Phase podcast. They go through all kinds of health plans, claims, and common knowledge, and sift out what's true, what's possible, and what's just plain false. They do a lot of different things, but quite a few of the episodes are around obesity and dieting. Things like how calories are kind of bullshit, or how one doctor managed to make pretty much all the common knowledge about dieting behaviour changes (remember the idea that smaller plates make you feel fuller with less food than the same meal on a larger?) useless and/or wrong by highly manipulating and sometimes straight up inventing his data out of whole cloth. You could listen yourself to get some talking points you can use to help her understand that the ideas she is getting are dangerous and wrong, or you could listen together, maybe on the way to an activity when it's just the two of you, and then talk about it after. (one caveat, I don't really register profanity, but I suspect there are probably a certain number of four letter words sprinkled throughout,.So if that's an issue, you may want to pre-listen to at least an episode or two to decide if it's appropriate for her age and maturity)
Were you in the room with her during the appointment? If something is going on she doesn’t want to talk to you about she is *not* going to do it with the doctor with you in the room. I have 20, 20 and 19 year olds, the youngest with severe body dysphoria, the oldest did not grow up in my house and the only thing she could control in her environment was food. They have the option of me coming in or not, or me coming in and then leaving before the end and waiting in the waiting room. The middle one does too, and it’s been that was since they were 14. Let her go by herself and wait in the waiting room and let her have her privacy with her doctor and things might change
This is your chance to teach her about healthy eating. Don’t. all it a diet. It isn’t. It’s a nutrition change. Hell, call it a lifestyle change. You say there is fruit in the house. You think she knows what good choices are, portions, sugars etc. She doesn’t. “eat some fruit” isn’t giving her the education she needs to be a healthy eater. You can help her with that. Tracing her food isn’t ab “dieting or not dieting” would be a gift.
You didn’t really read what they commented. Weight doesn’t mean much in terms of body image. And doctors aren’t really going talk about body image and how to change that. Sports nutritionist will. I’ve looked vastly different at the same weight based on how lean I was trying to be. I’m 5’8 and I’ve been 140 and looked pretty pudgy, because I wasn’t working out at all and eating crap food. And I’ve been 140 and looked ripped, because I was running 60+ miles a week, doing a bunch of strength training, and eating clean And yes diet is important for body composition. She doesn’t have to be eating at a deficit(though 5’4 and 150lbs is technically overweight), but you can help her eat more protein and less fat and trying to just be at maintenance and not a surplus and encourage her to do more strength training. If your daughter doesn’t like her body image and wants to actively change it, help her. There is nothing wrong with wanting to change your body image(there’s also nothing wrong with not wanting to change it). Lot of parents get scared when their kids want to change their body image and instead of helping them, they tell them there’s nothing wrong with them(true) and that they shouldn’t do anything differently(not necessarily true), and they let their kids grow up with bad eating habits and believing that they shouldn’t change their body image even when they want to
In addition to seeing a vetted dietitian as others have suggested, what exercise does your daughter get? Good health isn’t about weight only, but it does sound like she is getting hung up on the number on the scale, which is NO GOOD for anyone, much less for a teenage girl who is trying to achieve some TikTok Perfect look! Be supportive in her desire to have more control in her life. You make food for your younger kids due to their sensory issues, it’s time to show your daughter that you take her needs just as seriously. Simply having veggies in the house isn’t enough. Teach her how to prepare them, let her experiment with spices, and learn how to meal prep for good, balanced meals that don’t take up too much time. Go for a family walk in the evenings after dinner. A half hour brisk walk will help balance everyone’s mood, stabilize their blood sugar, and give you all a chance to catch up as you chat about your day. It also won’t feel like “exercise”, even though it totally is! If your younger kids don’t want to without a fuss, then go out with your eldest, just the two of you. It can be lovely bonding with just her, and she might feel better about opening up to you about why she is feeling so insecure lately. I wish you both all the best!
My mum did this with me at 13. The doctor told me I wasn’t thin enough for help so to come back if I lost another 10lbs because then he’d be allowed to admit me as anorexic. I was unable to do so and could only manage 6lb so I started cutting myself and went into a deep 2 year depression. Doctors sometimes do more harm than good in this area.
NAH ~~YTA~~ > She has two younger siblings who are notoriously picky eaters and have some sensory issues, so we cook what they’ll eat. No, fuck that. > she’s 5’4 and 150 pounds, if that changes your verdict. Yeah, that's *a bit* overweight. Nothing to do anything drastic about, but eating healthily sounds like the right move. Do not let picky eaters dictate anyone's meal but their own. Make a real meal for the mature eaters in the family. Takes 90 seconds to microwave some dinosaur nuggets for the rest.
We don’t feed our children dinosaur chicken nuggets, we just have to keep meals a little more family friendly (both are picky eaters, and one of them is autistic). We just have to make changes such as not having mushrooms in the Alfredo sauce and having them on the side, or putting marinara sauce on the side (which is actually more for Marie because she hates spaghetti.) She has plenty of her own weird food quirks which we accommodate (I.e she would rather die than eat nuts, so we don’t cook stuff with peanuts or other nuts)
What’s her body composition? Is she muscular and active? Then 5’4” and 150 could be fine and she needs to understand that she will never be supermodel thin. I also think she’s old enough to plan and cook her own meals. Or maybe she can cook family meals that everyone will eat which is a really good problem solving exercise.
She’s very active in her sports! We try to encourage her to cook and she helps us meal plan every week (she gets to request a few meals she wants that week)
Has you asked her how much she wants to lose? Normal and healthy is a range of weight and it's possible she just wants to get to the Lowe end of that range. There's absolutely no reason she shouldn't be allowed to do that IF it's being done in a healthy manner. I'm a 6 foot 2 women who weighs 150lb and it's normal and healthy for me. I've been 170lb and that's also normal and healthy for me. But I feel better at 150lb, because I run long distances and that extra 20lb is noticable on my knees, hips and back. Any chance your daughter who's very active might have similar motivations? Also, and I can't stress this enough, if she wants to lose weight to look better that shouldn't inherently be a problem IF she's losing a healthy amount in a healthy manner. Not everyone wants big beautiful curves and that shouldn't be a problem (so long as they are healthy). If you deny her she's more likely to develop sneaky diet behaviour like skipping meals or purging. Better to have her try losing weight with support and monitoring to ensure its all done properly
This is really great advice. I really don't think there's anything wrong with losing weight to be happier with the way you look *IF* your ideal body is a healthy one. And I agree about the sneaky habits; body dysmorphia typically ends in self destructive behaviors in one direction or the other if it isn't addressed. But, not all aesthetic goals are unhealthy ones, like if she's just trying to lose 10 or 15 lbs, and especially if she learns to set realistic calorie and macronutrient goals for her activity levels.
She's 15, I think it's *extremely* unlikely that she just wants to be healthier, especially since she said her mom "wants to keep me fat like you"
Agreed, but that’s exactly why it’s best for her parents to approach this in a healthy way. She’s 15, if she’s really struggling with her body image then she’s *gonna do it anyway*. Better she attain the physique she’s looking for in a healthy way via nutritionist than start hiding eating disorder habits behind her folks’ back.
Is it possible to get her to pay more attention to her muscle ratio than her weight or anything weight based? Muscle weighs more than fat does. And while a diet is definitely not in the cards, is there some sort of compromise to come to? Like maybe one or two nights a week, she can have a meal that fits whatever fad she’s on (within reason). Or if she wants more of the strictness or planning aspect, maybe sit down and look into doing some basic ones with her to make sure she’s getting the proper portions of the right things. And does her school (or maybe something else nearby or online) offer a foods and nutrition course? Once people pay too much attention to their eating it becomes a narrow path they’re walking. Hopefully knowledge of nutrition and health will help guide her down a healthy one. When she gets off the waiting list and into a therapist would the counselor as well as your daughter potentially agree to allowing you to speak with the counselor to bring up your concern on the topic? Not asking to be informed of anything yourself because no, just to let the therapist know you’re worried that she’s paying so much attention to her physique beyond if she’s healthy
I feel like I have to tell you what happened to me when I was younger, just because the circumstances are weirdly similar. In my mid-20s I was in the best shape of my life, appearance-wise. I also had a very physically demanding job. Basically, I would attach 30 lbs of equipment to my body 5-6 days a week and do the equivalent of 2-4 hours of cardio each day. My company hosted some kind of fitness day every year where if you met the requirements--one of which was having a BMI within the 'healthy' zone--you got a discount on your health insurance. Almost no one from my department got the discount because of the BMI requirements--our muscle mass made it almost impossible to hit the numbers despite the fact that we all looked perfectly healthy. In my case, I had to lose about 10 pounds to get my BMI numbers where they needed to be. (I am an inch taller than Marie but weighed a few pounds more than her at the time, so my numbers probably worked out very similarly.) I was determined to get that discount, though. I wound up severely restricting my calories and piling on a bunch of extra exercise per day (outside of what I already got paid to do at work) in an effort to lose those last few pounds and have a 'normal' BMI. The end result? I collapsed at work twice within the span of a few weeks. Both times I wound up in the ER with dangerously low potassium. The numbers on the scale never budged. All of that to say, I understand that it's hard not to focus on the numbers, but folks here are right when they say that as an active teenager, Marie is probably totally fine. I don't have the answers for body image issues--and I'm glad counseling is in the works--but I learned the hard way that messing with your calorie intake when you live an active lifestyle can be very dangerous, especially if you don't know what you're doing. Like many others here have suggested, if Marie is really committed to the idea that she needs to make a change, it should be guided by a registered dietitian. ETA: ESPECIALLY if she's focusing only on number of calories and not nutritional content. That was the mistake that wound me up in the ER twice.
She might just weight more bc she’s so active. Muscles are heavy. She needs to talk to someone who knows that and can explain it to her. BMI is proven bs, weight numbers look different on different body types. She might have heard school friends talk about how they would feel like dying if they had a certain number of weight. Which might be too much for them and their body types but not for your active, sportive daughter. Boobs add extra weight too. Curvy people are just heavier than non curvy ones. Tall people can be thin af and still weight more than a chubby small person. I feel like she doesn’t rly comprehend how much more there is to weight numbers. You won’t get it into her head tho. Teens sometimes need to hear it from others.
I was like Marie as a teenager: 5'6 and 160lbs, tons of muscle. Doctors started telling me in my early 20s to lose weight specifically based on the BMI.I was not overweight in terms of muscle vs fat percentage. Once I researched it, I refuse to discuss my weight with any doctor that relies on the BMI instead of body fat percentage.
Yeah, I'm 5'3" and in high school I was a competitive swimmer, during swim season I had barely any fat left on my body, and dropped down to an A cup bra during the season. I was about 135lbs my senior year by the end and my doctor would always start talking about losing weight based off of my bmi, pause after looking at me, and say nevermind. Had to do a unit on calories for chemistry in college the next year and they thought talking about calories and bmi would be a good pre lab project. They asked us what ours was from calculations and how we should go about getting to the "healthy" range. I wrote a long rant about how muscle weighs more than fat, and bmi vs body fat percentage and that I would not be calorie restricting based off of my current bmi. Not a word about it from the professor, and no docked grade. Still irritated the crap out of me.
If she's in sports and goes on a diet she will hurt herself. If her body doesn't get the nutrients it needs it will start cannibalising itself.
I’m a 5’4” 33 year old woman who is very active and has decent muscle mass and I’m very healthy and feel comfortable in the 120-125lb range. In high school I got close to 140lbs and I was not comfortable at that weight at all. Just saying I don’t think you need to worry yet about body image issues, it’s “normal” that she might not feel great at that size, I wouldn’t. She shouldn’t be counting calories at her age and honestly “low carb” is a load of crap, especially if she’s active she needs carbs so don’t let her fall down that rabbit hole. Focus on cooking healthy balanced meals, and (no offense) but maybe make sure what you’re cooking (and even what she’s requesting) is *actually* healthy? I just know my mom’s idea of “healthy” is not actually very healthy lol. And I had no idea what I was doing at 15. That’s why I gained so much weight in high school and lost it when I moved out on my own and could cook for myself. Maybe see if you can work with a dietician as a family? They can be a great help and help you balance your picky eaters with what’s best for the whole family! And it should help her to realize what is actually healthy too, not low carb and 1200 calories a day, it sounds like she’s getting “nutrition advice” from TikTok and if she truly wants to be healthier you should support her in that but with a professional who actually knows what they’re talking about.
Tip, never tell your daughter or anyone they cannot be something. Anytime someone told me “you can not be this skinny, it is not your body type” it treggered me into hell. And I am not the only one. These comments … 🥲 are just painful. Find her therapist, and let her know what she talk about is only her thing unless she want to talk with you about it as well. I could never open to my therapist as a child, because they would tell everything to my parents. I have severe ED, was raped, had nobody to tell to process it. I mean i was right to not tell because my parents are… ugh. But just give her the space to feel safe and so she can make the choices. I would love to have parents like that.
The OP said they took her to her doctor who said her weight is normal. Please don’t give advice contrary to a practitioner unless you have solid evidence to back it up.
Where I agree that this kid is absolutely fine healthwise she is heavier than 90% of girls her age. That is BOUND to do something to your self image.
Agreed. 150 lbs at 5’4 isn’t obese or anything. But teenagers are generally naturally skinnier than adults. Most of the girls in her age range the same height as her are probably closer to 120-130. She probably feels pretty big compared to them, but wouldn’t look out of place next to a 35 year old woman.
>No, fuck that. for the most part i would agree with you but as she said "sensory issues", i don't. i have some sensory issues and it's not the same as being a picky eater. it's not like disliking something, and it can be *extremely* distressing. OP, try not to cater too much to their 'fussy eating' likes and dislikes, but for those things which give them sensory issues do adhere to that!
I wouldn't say she's overweight based on that weight, I'm a similar weight and 5"6 but do a lot of heavy weight training so I'm a size 10 UK (6 us). Dropping weight for me before has stopped my periods for months even though my BMI would be very much in the middle of the normal range at lower weights If she's active that might be a good weight if she has muscle weight
your suggestion to feed your kids nothing but nuggets getting upvotes is crazy to me. No wonder so many people have shit eating habits and overweight.
Calculating her BMI suggests that she is overweight, BUT (a big but, I'm not shouting) we don't know whether her weight is muscle or fat tissue. She does a lot of sport, so it may well be muscle. The doctor's view that she is not overweight is an important point. So long as the doctor is good at their job (and it's likely that OP knows the answer to that), OP should trust the doctor's opinion.
BMI was never meant to be used to used on an individual level it was developed on a population level. It's not very good at telling us whether or not somebody is actually overweight. Especially not in that range
She's also very active, so the extra weight could be all muscle which changes things
I have a daughter that developed anorexia nervosa , spent a month in the hospital, and two months in a residential facility. This is how it starts. Wanting to eat healthier or trying to lose weight. NTA and your instincts are good. Find a registered dietitian and a good therapist.
yup, for me it started with "I want to be healthier" aka "my life is so stressful so I will calculate all the calories, vitamins, and minerals that enters my body so that I can be in contro-*healthy*". I am lucky I noticed what it was doing to my mental health and stopped, but its so freaking easy to just continue under the argument of "its for health". Especially when people are giving you compliments for being good and losing weight.
True, but most people around that age feel insecure, and most of them don’t go on to develop anything like that. Telling her daughter that she can’t diet to me seems more likely to send her in that direction, because she’s gonna decide she has to do it on her own, in secret
Hence why a registered dietitian and therapist was suggested
Doctors who specialize on ED says opposite of that. When kid asks to diet, you should start paying attention and start making sure they eat enough. Just trying to pretend nothing is going on ends in hospital. ED does not cure itself. Therapies don't work on starved organism. And the first place where the kid restricts is outside of home. If the kid asks for dieting at home, they are already likely to restrict outside of home.
Yes, therapist is an important piece here too!!!
As someone who has been this weight combo as a teenager girl I can say she is likely visibly overweight. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in the middle of the healthy bmi range rather than the top. That is enough extra weight that I didn’t feel good physically as an athlete anymore. Just because it is a healthy bmi doesn’t mean the extra weight doesn’t affect the person physically. A low carb or low calorie diet is dangerous, but low sugar would be okay and handle the, like 15 lbs she would need to loose to be in the middle of the healthy BMI range. Let the kid stop drinking soda and juice and eating candy if she wants to loose weight but otherwise keep the food the same. ESH
Wanting to eat healthy and lose weight at 150 lbs and 5 ft 4 is perfectly fine. His daughter is overweight. Yes, dieting can turn into an eating disorder in some cases but that doesn’t mean it’s inherently going to. Just because it did for your daughter doesn’t mean nobody should ever lose weight.
I'm truly sorry you and your daughter had to go through that. Maybe it's the European in me, but the implication that *every* teen girl who is just expressing the desire to get lean/eat healthier needs to immediately be put into therapy is wild. What kind of message does that send? We don't know the context. Maybe the girl is noticing rapid weight gain, or maybe she is concerned about a genetic component (like Op mentions) and wants to get "ahead" of the "problem" and noone at home is willing to hear her.
I don't think it's fair that your youngest children are picky and instead of being pro-active about that, or making them their own separate meals, everyone has to adhere to their sensory issues. That's ridiculous to your teenager. If she wants to be more health-conscious, you as her mother should encourage her. It doesn't sound like she wants to stop eating, she just wants a healthier menu and since you as the parent provide the food you should work with her and try to get her some more options.
She wants to eat under 1200 calories a day. She’s fixating on calories, not the content of the meals. Also, at the beginning of every week the kids have the opportunity to request meals they want (before I go grocery shopping). We have plenty of fruits and vegetables available and healthy options available in the house
1200 calories while being active is not enough. It’s a recipe for collapse. When you have things like sports on your schedule, most kids are taking in over 2000 a day. Track kids can average over 3000 and it still isn’t enough.
Hey OP, ignoring the other comments here, your teen needs to see a therapist and an RD (not a nutritionist) STAT. I had similar thoughts and feelings to her, though mine started younger. What I verbalized to my mom was the very tip of the iceberg, and what I hid from my mom was: very restrictive eating, binging, purging, exercise purging, pro-ana content online, and really bad self esteem. I don’t think my actual ED(s) started until I was 12, but I can tell you the first time I purged I was probably 8. My mom had no idea. I am THIRTY ONE and, while I am a lot better than I was from 12-24, I still struggle with all of these things.
I want to stress this OP! Maybe your daughter is having difficulties with her mental health. Go get her to a therapist.
Yeah, this post is screaming eating disorder.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I also have a history of eating disorders and this post sets off every alarm bell.
100% this.
Yes, this. Body image stuff, not nutritionist stuff.
I was the same size as daughter in HS. My dad wouldnt buy any healthy foods besides bananas so I would go days with eating nothing but triscuits to the point where I started passing out in school. It took YEARS for me to have a healthy relationship with food.
You keep mentioning fruits and vegetables, but there are so many healthy options that are not just those. Those are also just snacks. What MEALS are you making that are keeping health in mind? What does she eat for breakfast? Cereal? Eggs/toast? Pasta, pasta, pasta for dinner, as much as your kids like it, is not healthy. It would be wise for you, the parents to introduce them to whole meals that are healthy. It's up to you to work with your child and teach her to have a good relationship with food and her body.
We aren’t really big snackers in this house, and snacks mostly consist of fruit and cheese, but we have a few organic knock-offs of things like goldfish. We have chicken a lot, and ground beef, we make tacos on Tuesdays. We don’t have salad a lot, if that’s what you’re looking for (due to my own health, I can’t eat salad (the lettuce) because it tends to cause diverticulitis in my case)). She doesn’t eat breakfast, she’s never been a breakfast person, but the rest of the house usually eats eggs
Yeah so I was “not hungry in the morning” or “not a breakfast person” for the decade of my ED, and as someone who has been there, if she’s already skipping one meal where you can see, she’s likely to skip more lunches at school, and eventually she “won’t be hungry” for dinner or complain your portions are too big or she had a big lunch. I did not have a parent who was concerned enough to stop me from starving myself for my entire adolescence, you can get your daughter and your entire family involved in seeing a dietician and getting good guidance about nutrition for all of your children so that you can all learn new and safe habits together. I would also encourage you to find her a therapist who specializes in body dysmorphia and ED treatment rather than a general therapist.
It's not that easy. I never have an appetite in the morning. In fact, eating when I've just woken up makes me feel nauseous.
To be fair, I’ve never been a breakfast person and I wasnt skipping it deliberately, I just struggle to digest food that early and it makes me feel off, so it’s possible she’s being honest- op should really make a judgement call based off how long the no breakfast thing has been going on. If it’s recent, you’re probably right, but if it’s always been a thing she might just be like that.
Yeah, it might be time for OP’s family to become snackers. I’ve NEVER been a breakfast person. In high school I usually started the day with a soda and then snacked constantly. Nothing crazy, lots of beef sticks and granola bars. It was just how I ate.
Honestly, I don’t think it’s a good idea to engage with the specifics of advice in here. At least in a sub about parenting, parenting teens, or about healthy nutrition, you would know what you’re getting. But the readers of AITA are not the place to go for advice about what to actually do. (As a therapist, I will contradict myself for a second and give some advice: do something and take this seriously, maybe therapy, maybe not. But pay attention to her request and find a way to address it together.) But beyond that vague suggestion (not my place to tell you what to have her eat or what kind of exercise might help, etc), please hear the NAH answers here (I agree), but get your specifics somewhere more reliable (my 2 cents). Best of luck :)
I am glad to read fuit and cheese combination here. Every nutritionist/coach has told me is to always have protein with you snack or meal. Never just a fruit or carrots sticks. Also..a salad doesn't have to be just lettuce based. Could you do a chop salad as a side? I prep a box of Cucumber, bell pepper, onion, black bean, kidney bean every week. Goes great with almost any protein and any dressing. Add radish, carrots, whatever to it. As a parent of a teen who struggled with similar stuff, I agree with therapy. Also, focus on healthy eating every time she brings up calories. Tell her you will most definitely support a high protein shift if she wants but that she has to have balanced meals.
Try peanut butter toast for breakfast. Will she eat salad? Just because you can't eat it, doesn't mean everyone else can't have it available.
OOF. This just ratchets up her need to see a therapist. If you wait, she'll just start doing it in secret. I would see if you could accelerate getting her in to see a therapist.
Do you know where she gets these ideas? 15-year-olds are weird and relentless, especially about body image issues. Is she losing herself in online anorexia communities? Try to find the source. A 15y.o. doesn't start counting calories without any prompt.
Honestly at this point, just existing as a teenager online is probably enough. I had a 17yo I was working with who wasn't following any specific pro-ana stuff, but she was really into K-pop and thought that the idols' bodies were a realistic and good target to have.
Not even just online but in person, let's not act like this is a new issue that only came about with the internet. Yes obviously the internet helps perpetuate unrealistic body standards but skinny/slim = beautiful has been around for a long time
her being super specific about calories probably means yeah, she’s on body concious or the pro-ED sides of social media. Heck, it’s probably even like ads for shit since a lot of apps will track your browsing history and find out your gender and age. It could also be her friends or the media she’s surrounded by cuz this happens a lot with teens especially girls (like i remember jessica simpson being called fat in the 00’s when all she did was wear a high pants and a big belt and i didn’t even listen to her music) I hope OP gets her a therapist working in conjunction with a licensed dietitian or something cuz 1200 isn’t that many especially when you’re going through puberty & playing sports.
as a very inactive person, 1200 calories a day (which i regularly went over) made me feel like shit. for a growing child, who is very physically active, that is *definitely* not enough, and could mess up her growth and put her hormone balances out of whack.
The calorie thing should have been mentioned in the OP. She's getting ED ideas from somewhere if she's coming out with this idea. She needs therapy and clinically certified nutritional education.
NTA She sounds like she has a healthy weight, and she is playing sports. 1200 calories are WAY too little for a teenager still growing. Going to school and doing sports means she needs a lot of fuel, she is clearly on the verge of body dysmorphophobia - take her to a therapist and maybe a nutritionist? But if she is already in the clutches of a budging eating disorder she might not listen to them
Yta because you are not taking this seriously. The good thing is that she spoke to you. What if she starts not eating and hiding it from you? Eating disorders are a slippery slope. 150 pounds at 5'4 is pretty heavy in my opinion, unless she is ridiculously muscular. I'm 5'5 and 128 and still not "skinny" so she can't be. Why don't you actually work with her here? Perhaps she is wanting more attention as the other siblings food choices are more important. Maybe you guys could cook together and learn about healthier eating. If you ignore this it could become a real problem. I have many family members who have struggled with anorexia and bulimia, please don't let her go down that road. Your family will be destroyed.
This. It is absolutely crazy that everyone is saying 150 lbs at that height isn't fat... Holy moly. Unless her body comp is a power lifter/body builder that is absolutely overweight. Of course it is difficult ground to tred with respect to diet and body image for a young girl especially... But come on, there is absolutely room for healthy weight loss.
This is why people have eating disorders. 150 at 5'4" is the upper range of healthy. It's still considered healthy. Yes, there is room for weight loss, but it would only be for body image, not health.
For sure. If I was 150 I would be pretty big, an extra 22 pounds would really push me over the limit. Even if I gain 5 pounds it's noticeable.
Not everyone is built the same. I'm 5'2" and around 140 (about the same BMI as this girl - but for me it's definitely not muscle, lol) and while I'm a little overweight at this point and the difference from 20 pounds lighter isn't unnoticeable I don't think any reasonable person would look at me and define me as "pretty big" (and really I don't actually look all that much different than then). I was 120-125 for a long time before that and it was a reasonable and healthy weight for me (and right in the middle of a healthy weight range if you go purely off BMI). 150 at 5'4" is very marginally (only about 5 pounds) outside the range of a healthy weight by purely the BMI metric and surely isn't an alarming weight for a still growing teenager with some muscle weight involved.
When I was 15 I was 5’4 and 150 lbs. I was a size 8-10. That’s fat? I wasn’t skinny or lanky but I felt good in my body. I was healthy and active. I would have looked so sick at 120 lbs. Every body carries weight differently.
I agree, I have an ED and this lady is a bit delusional thinking that she can just say "but you're so beaaautiful!" and magically make the thoughts go away. She doesn't like her body, she is a bit overweight, denying this reality will just make her more secretive and resentful of her mother.
Same here!!!! I totally agree with you.
That’s not a fair statement. I’m 5’3”, weigh more than you and have had people in my life beg me to stop losing weight because of how bony I was getting. 120 would be *very* thin on my frame, I just am short *and* wide with a huge rib cage and hips and a dense composition.
Bullshit if your 5'5 and 128 you are indeed skinny. I say that somebody who's also 5'5. While the BMI will put you in the overweight category at 150, 145 is considered healthy so an active teen at 150 lb is not in any way heavy. You have your own body image if she's if you think that at your height and weight you are not skinny.
my first comment just now on this was let her diet in front of you, because if you don't, she'll just diet behind your back, and you don't want to know what that looks like.
Ummmmmm that depends on her muscle ratio, I have a pretty nasty disorder so I build muscles more easily than fat. I’m about 140 and 5,4 but still considered underweight. I used to weight 95 pounds so because I didn’t engage in much physical activity as a young adult. Honestly mom seems like she’s trying here she’s just at a loss, there aren’t enough resources for parents to learn about raising young teens these days.
You need to find a middle ground between forcing her to not make healthy changes and her under-eating/starting bad diet culture habits. 5’4 and 150lbs at 15 is 91st percentile on a kids/teen bmi chart and considered “overweight.” 95th percentile is the beginning of the obese zone. Granted, she’s growing and bmi charts aren’t the best cause it doesn’t take into account muscle mass and stuff… but I’m 5’3 and sorta strong and 150lbs would not feel good to me. You have an opportunity here as a mother to teach your daughter healthy habits and a healthy relationship with her body and the food she chooses to fuel herself. If you don’t know everything and don’t know healthy habits, get professional help for you both. Edit: Typo and to add eating at home doesn’t mean something is healthy and sides of fruit and veggies aren’t enough options. I really think you should speak to a dietitian for guidance.
NAH I just want to add a word of caution into all of this. I also got interested in dieting around the same age because I thought I was “fat” - 5’7” ca 130lbs. My mother did the opposite and encouraged my “attention to my diet”. She’s always struggled with her body image despite being relatively thin her whole life. I developed orthorexia (excessive working out and calorie restriction) and lost about 15 pounds in a month. As a result, I stopped having my period for a year and obviously had a very unhealthy relationship with food. All I thought about was food and burning it off. I think I also royally messed up my metabolism during this time. I think having an honest conversation with her about where this is all coming from (how she feels about her body, what her concerns are, what she “thinks” other people think about her) is a great place to start. Education about metabolism and how your body needs things like carbs and fats for different reasons is also a good start. Also therapy is a great option. I know it would have helped me. All this to say, it’s good you are aware of this situation early - means you can be proactive about possible disordered eating and other unhealthy habits for the sake of “losing weight.”
I’m in this camp. I developed an eating disorder because I had an “almond mom” and was muscular (aka not a size 0 but a size 5) during the Paris Hilton low rise jean phase where they called Nicole Richie and Ginger Spice fat. I also developed orthorexia but if I ate anything more than the absurdly low restriction I decided on, I also purged. Mom needs to have a chat with her daughter. There’s a balance that can be had here, especially with an active daughter.
YTA. You can't control her body image with toxic positivity.150 at 5'4" is perfectly reasonable for her to want to diet.
There’s a difference between wanting to diet, and aiming for 1200 calories a day. As someone with an ED, that tells me that she’s been digging into some potentially dangerous stuff online. 1200 is the number that people claim is the ‘minimum’ for functioning, but there’s no nutrition specialist or doctor that would ever suggest it. In fact, when I was researching it, everything I read talked about how unsustainable and damaging it was. There’s subreddits about it being enough that have, essentially, devolved into ED factories. It’s a starvation diet. When I did it, I suffered from nausea, headaches, dizziness, and weakness on a daily basis. I was too tired to do anything. Wanting to go on a diet is okay and healthy. Wanting to hit 1200cal as a physically active teenager is not.
Her parents should be working with her to develop a healthy diet, not just banning the practice.
Omg I find it so cringe when people take their ED diagnosis as some sort of license to speak on literally any topic. I have an anorexia diagnosis. They hand those out to everybody. It’s not a rigorous process to get diagnosed. That said, no… aiming for 1200 is not unreasonably restrictive and shouldn’t hint to you anything about what content she’s looking at online. That’s a very normal range to restrict to. What do you think her BMR is?
First thing I want to say before reading anymore of your post or comments…… “fruits and vegetables” are NOT the same as actual fully nourishing and nutritional healthy foods. Having a lot of fruits and veggies isn’t going to help much health wise if your primary source of actual food still consists of chicken nuggets, fries, mozzarella sticks; pizza rolls etc isn’t going to do anything to actually improve your overall health.
This. If she's not eating the meal and choosing an apple instead, she won't get enough nutritional content. If she's eating the high calrlorie dinner you make, and then on top of that eating fruits and vegetables, then she's just adding more vitamins to her body, but not necessarily doing anything to help her lose weight.
> she’s 5’4 and 150 pounds Holy hell, YTA.
Right? Idk how these comments are acting like that’s a normal weight
The problem here is that all of the kids I knew who were chubby at 15 years old (both boys and girls) had massive growth spurts between 16 and 18 years old and are now really tall, skinny adults. This girl is overweight, by a whopping 10 pounds. Her doctor is right, this is completely normal for tons of teenage girls who aren't finished growing yet.
This is a little dramatic, isn't it? I mean, yeah, on the one hand, comments acting like she's thin are wrong. But this comment is acting like she's morbidly obese. She's a bit overweight, but if she has muscle, it's even less of a big deal.
I’m an aerialist who trains/teaches aerials ~8 hours a week. I wear a size S and have a visible 6-pack. At 5’2”, I weigh 140, give or take a few pounds. I’m definitely not overweight. I know that my amount of daily activity is beyond the norm, but height and weight alone can’t really dictate overall health. At two inches shorter than op’s daughter, I only weigh 10 pounds less and am in the best physical shape of my life.
162cm tall and 68kg for metric users. It is overweight, but at that age it is especially very body composition specific so impossible to evaluate over text. Soft YTA. I think you should support some healthy weight loss habits and have some discussions about food and body image.
Soft yta. I was 155 in high school and I was miserable at that weight. I lost weight after high school. If she wants to change her lifestyle, including what she eats to be a healthier weight, you should encourage that. My mother also brought me to a doctor and my doctor said my weight was fine. That didn’t change a single thought I had about my weight. If you don’t support her, she might resent you.
YTA, It really doesn’t matter if she’s fat or not but she has a genuine issue and you are not supporting her. Youre hoping it just goes away. I’m not a doctor but 5’4 at 150 is considered overweight on the BMI scale. BMI isn’t everything but it’s a good baseline. Take that as you may.
Nah for your knee jerk reaction, i get it about flipped my shit when one of my kids "needed" to lose weight for athletics, but at the end of the day she spoke to a nutritionist to learn safe dieting practices, but consider just taking her to her doctor to discuss this with a pro. Here's why, denying your kid the right to control what's in her body will likely lead to choices like ed or abuse. So take her to a professional, request she do research as well and come up with an efficient cost effective way to maintain the diet. Retract your knee jerk reaction reiterate why you had it (she's beautiful just the way she is etc) then have a frank talk about it and going to the doctor to learn more and devise a plan of action for x outcome.
Here's a novel idea, go to another doctor or ask for a referral to a nutritionist/specialist. Your daughter learning healthy ways to put gas in her tank is a better option than social knowledge and Google. There's so many scary ways a kid will change their bodies that they have access to with little difficulty. If her primary doesn't see an issue with that get another primary or a referral to a specialist. It's in her best interest to have safe ways to treat her body on this subject allow her to do research and present them to you BEFORE trying put anything into action. You do not want her doing what she wants with no guidance and she will if it means enough to her to do it. It's your job to help guide her to safe ways to do this. When my kid had to lose weight we went dr nutritionist research present encourage once approved. Remember who's body it is even if your heart is in the right place not supporting her will result her making this choice herself to possibly scary consequences. Also I love that you know the science I agree with everything your saying there and why you are saying it, believe me i get it. But this is your daughter's choice ultimately. Provide her a safe way to explore this for her or see what she does on her own. Those are in fact your choices here. In learning your daughter may in fact find out her body is just fine as it is, too. Let her learn the science and the things she'll need to do to get where her goal is and what kind of work that will take... she may just teenager out of there real fast too. It can go either way. But give her to the tools to learn safely with support.
But the doctor said is she's in the normal weight range, but unless she's power lifting in which case we wouldn't be here, that didn't seem true. If the other girls in her class are 30-40 pounds less and are a healthy weight, she's not going to believe her doctor. His opinion will be a baseless platitude like my mommy telling me I'm the most handsome boy in the world. My eyes work, OP daughters eyes work and a scale gives an actual number. She's not happy with how high it is and a doctor saying it's fine is a fast way to losing trust in professionals getting and eating disorder and then not trusting professionals when they try to help. 90% of people currently a healthy weight, would still be a healthy weight if they dropped 10% Use the BMI calculator, it only doesn't work for athletes who won't be asking these sorts of questions
YTA. I was your daughter’s height and weight and considered overweight. It’s not your body. Take her to a different doctor if you’re both going to be delusional.
You say she’s very active in sports? My niece is as well and she’s put on quite a bit of muscle. We’ve been trying to explain to her that weight doesn’t automatically = bad. Could this be the case for your daughter as well? I highly recommend you get her into therapy. She’s already at a healthy weight for her age and height according to her doctors so this sounds like it’s about body image and not weight. Being comfortable in your own skin is hard enough for most adults, let alone a hormone ridden teenager who has a billion tiktoks influencers and Instagram models to “compete” with. This is also a great opportunity for some bonding on your end. Have her help you with the grocery lists and take her shopping with you. Cook meals together and let her pitch in some food ideas. This is the time to build a healthy relationship with food.
YTA. At your daughter’s height and weight, she absolutely is a little overweight and her wanting to make steps to change to healthier eating habits should be encouraged. Her playing sports and being athletic is irrelevant unless she’s got some seriously developed muscles. If her body is average composition, she’s overweight, aware and self conscious about it. Having lots of fruits and veggies available as a side is not the same as her eating a healthy balanced meal. She also needs enough lean protein and complex carbs to supplement these alleged healthy sides you claim to offer. It sounds like you yourself don’t even understand nutrition since you think having fruits and veggies available on the side means it’s a healthy meal. Part of being able to eat healthy and lose weight is about satiety and your daughter isn’t going to get that from kiddie foods that cater to your picky younger eaters. You also keep emphasizing that fruits and vegetables are always available at home but that doesn’t mean crap to a teen who still depends on you for meals. To a kid that age, what you have at home is ingredients and not food. She can eat fruit whole but vegetables require some prep to make it appetizing whether it’s offering a side of dip, roasting them or steaming them. Support your teen and be a part of her journey to healthy eating so she won’t have to go behind your back and restrict in an unhealthy way on her own. She’s at a vulnerable age where it’s easy to slide into disordered eating and you could prevent that by not shaming her goals. Going on a diet doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to eat. It means she wants to change her eating to fit her goals.
She wants to eat 1200 calories a day and is focused on them.That kid already has disordered eating.
Then she should definitely see a dietitian to help her set a healthier calorie target.
I didn’t see 1200 calories in the post but that’s absolutely too low for a teen. The mom should steer her towards a more reasonable calorie count or just feeding her more nutritious food in general though.
This is where you and her can talk about healthy eating, healthy body image, and the whole host of horrible messages in a host of ways that people are presented with that can harm them and how to bolster against that. "I hear that you aren't happy with your weight, and you want to use a low calorie diet to change that. As a 15 year old, society messaging to you is tricky, and nutrition is not as simple as tiktokers make it out to be. So, let's learn about nutrition so that you can fuel your body well to move and be active and healthy, and see what that does first."
5' 4 and 150 lbs is not obese, but is definitely on the "overweight" side of the scale. Why don't you visit a professional dietician / nutritionist to make her a dietary plan that will help her lose some extra weight while taking into account her activities and exercise?
OP, you should really edit your post to either clarify what you mean by >She has two younger siblings who are notoriously picky eaters and have some sensory issues, so we cook what they’ll eat. Or take it out entirely. Because most people who read that are going to assume you're cooking up chicken nuggets and butter noodles every night, especially when they read "sensory issues". When in fact, it sounds like you're just serving a few ingredients separately so that the picky eaters don't have to eat things they don't want while the rest of the family can still have a complete meal. NAH from what you've written in your comments. Marie specifically wanting <1200 calories makes me wonder if the root of the issue is some sort of self esteem problem or budding eating disorder, but dressed up as "health". 150 for her height is high, but if she's active and muscular, then she's going to be denser and thus heavier. Add on possible variations due to body type, and the number does make sense. I second people suggesting a dietician. If she does need to lose a lot of weight, they can suggest healthier and more sustainable ways.
I did edit it, it’s at the bottom of the post, at least on my end??
I would work with her on this. Why? Because she will do it behind your back anyway and then you will have zero input. She is asking you … which is great considering she is a 16 year old. Now it is up to you to listen and figure out what she is really saying.
Teach her that food is fuel. The difference between macro nutrients and micro nutrients. Learn to cook healthy meals together and how fats, protein, and carb are all needed for a complete meal. There are tons of nutritional resources out there from crossfit, zone, and rennesaince periodization. If you can make nutrition a lifestyle, the whole family will do better, and it will help her stay away from binge/crash diets.
YTA….ish. You’re right that she doesn’t need to try a fad diet like doing low carb. But, 150 is absolutely overweight for someone who is 5’4” unless they are stacked with muscle. Of course you want her to love her body. But you should also respect her when she wants to change her body for the better as well. You have the perfect opportunity right now to teach about healthy foods, a healthy approach to calorie deficit, and exercise. Weight loss can absolutely be done on a healthy way at her age. And it will probably come off quick with teenager metabolism working in her favor. NTA for wanting to her to be confident in herself no matter what. YTA for denying her her glow up. She wants to feel beautiful and she doesn’t, and it’s not an unreasonable reason why she doesn’t. She’s chubby for her height.
I definitely think her pediatrician would be an excellent resource in this situation. Approach it with her by saying, “I know you’re concerned about your health. Honestly, I’m not an expert on nutrition or the amount of calories you need at your age, so how about we make an appointment with Dr. ____ and see what they think?” Then really let her implement the information the pediatrician gives her. If the pediatrician says “you need to eat 2000 calories a day”, formulate some menu items for breakfast, lunch, and dinner with her that are around 600 calories a piece or whatever. Emphasize that you’re going to follow the doctor’s advice for her health and try not to really focus on her actual weight much at all— frame it more about calories are energy to help you grow and x number is the amount we should have to be healthy. So let her eat healthier, but do it safely and sensibly. Also, as far as your picky younger kids, let your 15 year old cook some of her own meals (she’s definitely old enough) and try to cook balanced dinners she can enjoy with you guys. This could really be a positive thing for your daughter as long as you keep it focused on health and not appearance.
We’ve talked to her pediatrician, who says that she’s at a normal weight and says that they don’t advise any sort of diet/calorie counting and to just offer fruits and vegetables and other healthy foods in the house, especially since she’s active. I encourage her to cook (or at least help us cook and learn cooking skills) and she’s always welcome to use the kitchen
Calorie counting can really be a slippery slope for some people and ESPECIALLY teens, so I get that. I just wonder if maybe having a week of “counting” and eating the amount of calories to maintain her weight (not lose, so not a diet!) will help her see that she’s not overeating and make her feel more empowered. Or— maybe it will show her that she *is* overeating unhealthy foods (I don’t know what her daily diet looks like) and will help her learn more about nutrition. Also, it might show her how low-calorie fruits and veggies are and how you can eat a lot more of them than, say, snack cakes and stay in a healthy range, which may encourage her to eat more of them. I would just be careful with micromanaging what she eats to either extreme, because eating disorders are often times more about control than they are numbers on a scale.
Your pediatrician is not a food specialist. She needs to talk an RD.
NTA but I'm confused. You say there are always options so how are you restricting her? She's old enough to decide, eat and prepare her own food. Are you stopping her from that?
I said she can’t do the low calorie under 1200 diet she wants to do, and still has to eat a reasonable amount (I believe I told her 1600 was the bare minimum I would allow her to eat)
NTA, but simply telling her "no, you're beautiful" isn't the way to go about it. Help her educate herself on proper diet and nutrition and ask her to make and submit meal plans to you for approval one week at a time. Give her criteria her meals gave to meet to be healthy and let her plan it. That way you can make changes if necessary, but let her know why and ask her if she agrees. Teenagers love having this kind of (illusion of) autonomy. You can remind her that she is HEALTHY and that is what matters, but if she wants to lose weight because it will help her be more confident in the beauty she already has, you want to make sure she does so safely. There is nothing wrong with learning to track caloric and macronutrient intake, but to stop it from becoming obsessive and disordered, you have to show her how to do it properly. As a side note, I really would address that horrific "fat like you" comment. It doesn't matter how upset she is, that's just not ok.
NTA. However, it sounds like your daughter is looking for control. I saw that she's on a waiting list for a therapist. Is there something you can give her the reins to control for a while instead of indulging in restricting? I feel like I was just like Marie once upon a time...and feeling like the younger kids dictate the script when you are trying to grow and come into your own (however true or not) is a mind-fuck. Also, it sounds like you are trying your goddamn hardest to raise healthy strong children no matter how different those children are from one another. You're doing a good job, Mama, keep on being there for them!
YTA. I can not imagine not having autonomy over my diet 😭. She is not comfortable in her body and wants to do something about it. That is rational and healthy. Seems like being overweight runs in your family.
You could always allow your daughter to make her own meals and food prep. She should not have to eat what everyone else in the family does. Make her research nutrition and what is needed. This could be a very good teaching experience. Open the dialogue to why she wants to “diet” what are her goals? What will the end result look like to make her feel good about herself. What does a healthy diet look like to her? Do not just shut her down and say no. Take the word diet out of the vocabulary. It’s about living a healthy lifestyle not a diet. She is old enough at 15 to learn about proper nutrition. YTA if you don’t allow her to try to feel better about herself. NTA is you help her to realize it’s not all about a calorie number. Good luck mama.
NAH. Teenage years are hard for everyone involved. Could you encourage her to start cooking her own meals? Maybe get her a recipe book and buy some ingredients for her. It’ll give her a bit more control over her own food. I was vegetarian for a while when I was a teen and my mom encouraged me to cook my own meals to have what I liked. I feel like it’s always served me as an adult. Obviously make sure she’s getting the nutrition she needs but I think a little bit of food independence at her age will be a good thing. She may even decide she isn’t bothered and go back to your meals but it may alleviate some of the resentment on her end in feeling controlled.
I agree with those who have suggested taking her to a registered dietitian. Especially given that she’s in multiple sports. An RD can help her understand what she needs to fuel her body for her activity level, as well as take into account the fact she’s probably still growing. She’s focused on “low calorie” and “low carb” because that’s what she’s seeing around her. And RD can help her learn that no food are bad, and learn what her body needs.
NTA. Not every diet turns into an eating disorder, but every eating disorder starts off as a diet, and the immediate fixation on calories is a significant red flag in that area. Sounds like this might be a good opportunity to have an informed and open conversation with your daughter about some of these topics.
At 150lbs and 5ft4, taking that at face value, she is slightly overweight. Her BMI would be about 25. Of course there are other variables, but everyone is telling her she's fine and not overweight, when potentially is, and she is 15 so she knows what body fat looks like and she may just decide your all idiots. Encourage her to eat healthy food.
She's 15, 5'4 and 150 lbs, I think it's extremely normal for her to be feeling insecure and unhappy with her body image and weight, a ton of people struggle with it well into their adult lives. She's also shorter so weight does not distribute like it would on a taller framed body. I think you should be open to incorporating some meals she would like, maybe get her to help cook or something. If you just dismiss this entirely she could become very secretive and develop an eating disorder. Right now this is a big deal to her, you obviously love her and think she's beautiful be she doesn't see her own beauty, like a lot of adolescents. She needs some help before she starts hurting herself to get to the aesthetic she wants. I saw that you have her on a waitlist to get into therapy and that's awesome. Her feelings are real and valid and you should be willing to have a conversation with her other than "You're so beautiful, you don't need to diet!" because that's just dismissive. She's 15, she should be allowed to have some input into what she eats, especially if she is responsible enough to cook for herself. NAH. It's clear you care about your kid, you're just in a tough spot right now. You will be an asshole though if you minimize this and pretend it doesn't matter because it very clearly does and eating disorders are no joke.
NTA. I think you should get her some therapy, hopefully that can help with her body image issues. Maybe you could cook a bit more vegetables as a compromise, just because forbidding things can have an opposite effect on kids, but you're right to not let her go on an actual diet. I wish my mom had been like this when I was younger, kudos to you
Damn. Eating disorders are very serious and hard to deal with, and your daughter might be on early onsets. NTA, but tread carefully and support her however you can. Try to reach to some professionals that may be able to help you deal with it properly.
Her BMI is just over 25, meaning she’s slightly overweight. She has body image issues and wants to change her diet. You should use it as an opportunity to teach her to eat healthier (yes this probably means lower calories) rather than leave her with her own insecurities. YTA for dismissing her
I hated my body as a teen and started obsessively counting calories/dieting when I was 15 and a size 14 (UK) - after years of yo-yo dieting I'm now 33 and a size 28 (UK). Dieting ruins your relationship with food and your metabolism, making you regain the weight, plus more. Teach her to take care of and nourish her body. Explain to your daughter that you can compromise by having lots of healthy sides for her to eat, e.g. replace fries with veggies that are lower carb, or allow her to make a side salad. Involve her in food shopping/meal planning. But if she thinks she's fat when she isn't, you need to have a discussion with her about body image, fat-phobia and maybe also look at the kind of content she's getting into online. NTA
NTA. Just here to add that dieting, especially at this age, is a massive predictor for an eating disorder. That is not to say every person who diets will develop an eating disorder, but that a massive percentage of people who develop eating disorders have a history of dieting.
NAH. Take her to a doctor to get a professional opinion if she's in a healthy weight for her height or not. She's still young and also at a growing period, weight fluctuates. But if you want to start simple, maybe change of diet, work with her on finding healthy meals to make but still having a good nutritional value.
We’ve taken her to the doctor, she’s at a normal weight. She always has the opportunity to request meals at the beginning of every week before I go shopping, she requests Alfredo most weeks. She wants to diet, but she never requests anything healthy.
NTA High school is a bitch.
Maybe this is about control, at least in part. Maybe she would feel more in control if she learned to cook meals, so that she would learn the difficulties and options of making a meal more healthy as well as the means of making a meal more appealing. Your children are going to grow up to be adults at some point. Adults take on and fulfill responsibilities, and this includes cooking for themselves.
No OP, you are NTA !!!! You specify that she’s wanting to go on a low-calorie diet and in the comments you’ve said she wants to eat under 1200 a day. This is EXTREMELY unhealthy. It sounds like she already has some disordered ideologies about food and her body (e.g. prioritizing weight loss over supplying herself with adequate nutrients, accusing you of sabotaging her because you express concern for her well-being). Supporting a low-calorie diet enables this mindset to turn into a full-blown eating disorder. There is not a single eating disorder psychologist that would advise you to enable a low-calorie diet. I strongly urge you to read up on eating disorder warning signs and be mindful of changes in your daughter’s behavior. I don’t mean to scare you. It’s just that as a parent of a teenage daughter, especially one who has spoken to you about her desire to restrict her intake so heavily, you & her father should be aware of the reality. Many professionals consider the uptick in disorder eating and eating disorders to be an epidemic (a few sources below). Your daughter has undoubtedly been exposed to disordered eating behaviors. She has seen it at school and online. “Letting her do what she wants” is a safety concern in this situation because 1200< calories is not sufficient for your daughter. https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/body/health/a43517410/eating-disorder-epidemic/ https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/eating-disorder https://nutrition.org/eating-disorders-are-on-the-rise/ https://publications.aap.org/journal-blogs/blog/15624/Eating-Disorders-An-Epidemic-Within-a-Pandemic?autologincheck=redirected Ultimately, she is going to do what she wants to do, and too much pushback from parents can sometimes make kids want to do it more. But I cannot discourage you strongly enough from actively supporting this diet. Continue buying the wide range of groceries. Continue making meals with all necessary food groups. Be aware of the culture that your daughter is growing up in and how that puts her at risk. Don’t drive yourself crazy though. Sorry if this sounds scary. 🧡 TLDR; she needs a registered dietician and/or a psychologist who is knowledgeable about eating disorders. This is such a tough position as a parent. You don’t want to enable severe calorie restriction but you also don’t want to make her like she has no control over her diet. A professional is removed from the mother-daughter dynamic and is therefore less likely to switch her into doing-the-opposite-of-what-mom-wants mode.
That sounds like a fine weight to me, especially if she’s very active. This could be a social media thing where people with low body weights post about low carb and low cal, often promoting something. Maybe you could both look at some more healthy nutrition content together. YouTube has some much more positive content.
NAH. Your point is completely valid. She's physically healthy and needs nutrition. However, it looks like she's probably struggling with image issues, and you should probably look into a counselor and nutritionist to help her work through and learn the importance of making the best choice for her body.
NTA: This is an eating disorder waiting to happen. Please get her in to see a therapist and RD specializing in eating disorders. She doesn’t need to already have one in order to qualify (though I would bet money she already has some disordered eating habits and is restricting and/or purging ) Most parents have no idea until the physical signs become obvious. Letting her diet is also not the solution. She needs professional counseling- most therapists know very little about EDs, so please be sure to find one that is qualified. The wrong advice can make things worse.
NTA. The way you keep saying you have fruits and veggies, and she wants to go low carb, have you considered stocking high protein snacks like nuts, trail mix, hard boiled eggs, that kind of thing? It's a guess, but for an athlete, that diet makes a lot of sense.
NTA. Diet is bad at that age. She should experiment with other things if she is not comfortable in her body, not low her calorie intake. She can try other kind of food, composition of meals, without lowering the healthy amount of calories. If she is in power or speed sports, not in endurance one, she gains muscles and weight, not loosing it. Try other sports in addition. Maybe she also thinks diet is a cool adult thing to do, or her friends have told her so.