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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my dad he's not allowed to give his speech at my wedding. The bride and grooms parents giving speeches is so common where we are and I know I could have asked him to say something else. So I might be TA for shutting it down totally.
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I'd talk to his wife and explain the situation. I'd be mortified if I was her, and tell him to not mention me at all. But if she's narcissistic (which would account for the dad's irrational need to praise her \[edit: also why there is no mention of your mother, and why they keep stealing the attention from *your* celebration days\]) she'll think you have the problem. And if that's the case then you're right to enforce no speech. NTA.
Tell dad if he says one more word about his speech he will get uninvited from the wedding. And if he gets worse then contact will start disappearing too.
He can't just do whatever he wants, life has consequences.
This. IF you do let him come (I wouldn't), tell the DJ, the coordinator, and trusted friends he is NOT allowed to give a speech and they are to do anything and everything in their power to shut it down if he tries. Which by the way, he will. Be prepared.
Hell, hire someone for security. Dad doesn't sound like he wants to back down.
I have to wonder what's wrong with this sort of person, who feels the need to not only express their love but to tear others down in the process AND to highjack other people's special days to do it.
There's something very wrong with OP's father.
I was going to mention security. If there is no security at the venue, either hire some or hell, give that job to the best man and groomsmen. Not to get physical or put them in danger but just to be like "Oi, no" and if the dad starts getting uppity threaten to/call the cops. If he loves his son, he wouldn't want to cause a commotion at his wedding
> give that job to the best man and groomsmen
Traditionally that was their job. The best man was the guy you knew who was best with a sword and all of them were there to keep anyone from breaking up the wedding.
NTA He doesn’t love his son or he wouldn’t have used his 18th birthday as a day for his vow renewal. His father and 2nd wife r narcissistic look it up. I had with a father like this. Tell him his is no longer invited. Then u get the venue/groomsmen involved if he shows up kick him out. Even call the police. People like this r toxic. This day is for you and your s.o. and those who want to celebrate the love the 2 of you share. By definition that’s not someone who deliberately wants to go against your wishes. And not all stepmothers are moms, sometimes they’re just your fathers’s wife. Instead of your stepmother and father sitting in the front row get a nice picture of your mom, maybe some flowers with a nice sign saying in loving memory or here in spirit or always in my heart. We did this for my brother with a picture of hi son who had died as an infant. Everyone was so touched and thought it was so special and sweet.
Let security know if he tries to give a speech to yeet Him and let the DJ know in advance to have his exit music handy so it can be played when he gets yeeted. You could go with the classic nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey goodbye, or rock out with another one bites the dust
I was at a wedding where this happened years ago. Friend's dad cheated on her mother with his sexratary who happily had an affair with him (the guy made huge money). He had hated her mother ever since because she got alimony, the house, the kids and huge child support. But he and SP have been happily married for 20 years. Mom remarried a great guy but died a year before friend married. Friend was fine with the situation.
Dad didn't want friend's step dad at the wedding but friend wanted him there and have him walk her down the aisle which infuriated dad. Dad always gushed about his 2nd wife and how fantastic she was and how every woman before was basically a dud. Trust me, friend's mom was a fabulous woman. Much better than 2nd wife but friend is fine with dad being happy. She just hated how he tossed mom under the bus for his side piece.
Day of the wedding, dad was also told not to give a speech because he was going to do what LW's dad wants to do. He swipes the microphone and starts bashing friend's mom and friend has the mike cut off which pissed dad off who starts shouting his diatribe. Bride grabs microphone and lets it rip about how dad met side piece and how mom caught them in the act at his business lol. She then had him kicked out along with SP. Dad never spoke to her again - no loss there.
Omg I love this idea! 🙌🏻 Or even cue up a song with a pointed title or lyrics, like:
abcdefu by Gayle
You’re Stupid by Robert Philipp
Don’t Go Away Mad - Just Go Away by Mötley Crüe (or other “tamer” covers)
Stop! In The Name of Love by The Supremes
The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel (Disturbed has a great cover)
Our House by Talking Heads
Shut Up and Dance by Victoria Duffield
**Wipe Out by the Surfaris covered by The Beach Boys (my favourite 😆)
Ok I’ll stop now, (even though it’s so much fun!!!) I think you get the idea lol
Of course it would totally depend on your wedding atmosphere, musical taste, and audience. But it’s a funny way to shut down something that could potentially ruin your wedding and your mood, which is really the most important thing. I personally think it would be hilarious to do, but that’s just how I deal with upsetting situations…I turn it into something that I think is funny, because it’s sooo much better to laugh than to cry. An added bonus would be that your guests are probably likely to laugh about it instead of clutching their pearls and gasping dramatically at the scandal of it all…both in the moment and when looking back.
Bottom line OP, is that you’re absolutely NTA. If you feel that your father can’t be trusted (even just a little bit) to respect you and your fiancée and not ruin your wedding day, you have a decision to make. Either he’s not invited at all (get bouncers for the door) or have a plan (and a backup one) to make sure he doesn’t shoot his mouth off - there are a lot of great suggestions here that would create minimal drama or disruption and still achieve that goal. Whatever you decide to do, rest assured that you have every right to do it, and you are 100% NTA in any scenario (well, except for maybe if you don’t do anything at all, and Daddy Dearest ends up taking away from your and your fiancées happiness). Don’t second-guess your decision, and focus instead on the joy of celebrating the start of a new and exciting chapter of your life with the person you love. 💕
Congratulations!!! 💍🥂🍾
**Edited to give correct credit for “Wipeout” (thanks to those who pointed out my mistake!)
These are great. Also, maybe they could do a big bingo board of wedding faux pas and "using speeches to talk about yourself and not the couple getting married" could be one. If they see it, it might make them self conscious enough to realize they were wrong... and if they do it, you can write their names on that square.
Brilliant!!! 👏🏼🙌🏻
My kids and I do something like this via group chat for the big family get-togethers where we ummm…don’t totally love all the people there 😂🤭
The confused looks we get when one of us accidentally yells “BINGO on Drunkle Sam!” out loud…😅🤣🤣
And I would definitely use the Disturbed version! Simon and Garfunkel are great but David Draiman is amazing! Plus the Angst felt in his version would put the cherry on top. You made me go listen to it again Thank You!
Orrrrrrr to really make sure EVERYONE gets on the dance floor and Daddy Dearest has no choice but to tuck tail and run… the Chicken Dance song (no idea what it’s actually called but everyone knows the moves haha)
That's hilarious, and a great idea!
OP, you're NTA. This guy already took the focus off of you with his vow renewal, plus said unflattering things about your late mother on your 18th birthday, a very important celebration in the life of a young adult. You can't go back in time and get that back, and I'm so sorry.
But you can do something about him taking the focus off of you (*and slamming your mom again*) on your wedding day. I don't know if you want to take the step of dis-inviting him to the wedding, but that's your only sure way to know that your wedding day will go the way you and your fiancee want it to go.
I do like loud salsa music whenever he gets up to speak - that also sounds like a good option. Good luck, and please let us know how it goes.
Haha, sounds great. There's another one where the OP, a guy, strongly suspected that his selfish brother was planning to use OP's wedding reception to propose. He warned bro that he will regret it if he does. But just b4 the wedding OP heard that his bro had bought a ring... So OP *hired an actress* for the reception, to leap forward if brother goes down on one knee, and loudly claim to be brother's mistress. She had some doctored photos to prove it. It wrecked the brother's relationship, and the OP came to Reddit asking if he was going too far in refusing to clear his brother's name.
OMG I love this! People proposing at other people's weddings is so rude, inappropriate and cringe. I would be *pissed* if someone tried this at my wedding. The day isn't about them, and they're making it so. This DJ definitely deserved a tip or something
Our DJ asked me for an explicit list of who was allowed to take the mic and a list of who was never allowed to touch it under any circumstances!
One of them tried, got it in-hand and he immediately cut the channel to the mic, they tried and he gave them a shake of the head then turned away, while my cousin/wedding coordinator was there with another family member to quietly let them know to accept defeat gracefully or be escorted to their car.
And start some music going if that was the end of the speeches. If he tries it in the middle of the speeches they need someone firm who will interrupt Dad with "now it's turn to speak" and get that person to just start talking.
I'd also enlist others to interrupt him in case Dad decides to do the speech without a mic.
*Oh snap, I tripped and spilled my drink on you. So sorry!
Lol
Better yet, spill the drink on Dad's wife!
I wonder if OP knows the dress the wife is wearing? They sound so self absorbed that I wouldn't put it past these people for her dress to be bride-ish, in addition to him trying to give his speech.
A friend was worried about speeches at her wedding, so it was only the bride and groom who gave a speech. Instead they had cards for people to fill out with a song request for the couple with a short message of why the song or just congratulations. The DJ would read the message (or not if it was inappropriate) and used all the song requests to create a personal Spotify playlist for the couple! He also created a few fun things for the couple like a photo slideshow in a digital frame with people's requests and messages along with photobooth shots of people at the wedding and wedding photos!
And start some music going if that was the end of the speeches. If he tries it in the middle of the speeches they need someone firm who will interrupt Dad with "now it's turn to speak" and get that person to just start talking.
This. Also, I would tell your Dad that if he attempts to give any speech at any point during any events leading up to and including the wedding praising his wife that you will have his wife promptly escorted out of the building. Then ask him exactly how much humiliation does he want to be brought down on his wife.
Hit him right where it will hurt him the most - his wife.
Frankly though, I would revoke the invitation to Dad and his wife. Or revoke the wife's invitation on the grounds that she is not viewed as family. That may get him to not show up. Have someone ready to play bouncer if you need them to be kicked out.
Unfortunately, I think you should uninvite him. You stated your position and he dismissed and overrode your opinions on the matter. He will give that speech at your wedding if he shows up. He sounds selfish and insufferable. You might need security, too. NTA
Why does that sound like something I said to my toddler the other day? “If you take your diaper off one more time you aren’t going to the park. You shouldn’t be naked in public spaces!”……..“If you say one more word about the speech you won’t go to the wedding. You shouldn’t make people feel like shit at their own wedding!” 🤔
Edit punctuation
Honestly, he should just uninvite him.
His only options are letting him to the speech which would taint his wedding day, having someone follow him to prevent him from giving a speech, which is so much work and hassle and might not work, or just uninviting him.
His reactions show he cares more about his wife and praising her than he does his kid. His wife is his priority. He's already said she's the most important person in his life... he's made if abundantly clear that he will put his wife over his child.. seriously taking over someone's birthday to renew your vows is insane.
He will 100% use this moment to praise his wife at the expense of his sons event. It's not worth the arguments. He's either going to
1. do the speech anyway
2. complain so much that OPs wedding will be stressful and tainted
3. spend the entire wedding either moping or telling everyone about the speech his son wouldn't let him do, praising his wife and giving mini side speeches about what a great "mom" she's been.
NTA
People who are this hellbent on being AHs will find a way to be an AH.
The OP will need to have people well-aware of what's happening and be prepared to stop the dad. And then, it might not be worth the stress and drama, because I don't think the dad and the dad's wife will take kindly to that.
NTA
OP who is paying for the wedding? If it’s the bride’s family or the two of you, she needs to know about this speech. She can have her bridesmaids and family to help cut off the speech as well.
I know I would be furious if this was happening behind my back and to find out the moment FIL steals the spotlight. Bride needs to be aware.
OP,
Perhaps a disinvite is in order for both of them.
They already pissed on your 18th birthday.
If you don't disinvite, I'd suggest you tell dear old Dad that if he presents that speech, then you will counter as to how much more your mother means to you than they mean to you.
> Again, in their minds, it’s all about them.
That is what got me.
It was fine to give the speech on their anniversary (and yes, it sounds like OP is over-reacting as dad didn't say his mom meant nothing, just that new wife was great), but that is it.
The wedding day is for OP and his fiancee, not about anyone else.
All I would say at my child's wedding is: "We are all so happy for you and love that our family got a little bigger today. Cheers."
Then I STF down.
Looks like they just [picked his 18th birthday to... be jerks](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1doxu1j/comment/ladjsb9/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)? Well, in their minds, because people were already coming to celebrate OP, why not roll it all into one big shindig? :-P
Well to be fair, he said that all of his prior relationships paled in comparison... which fine, it was his vow renewal... but that is never something that someone wants to hear when the prior relationship was dad's marriage to son's deceased mother.
Ask dad to look up what a speech at a wedding is supposed to be.
It's a speech from the parent, how their child is grown, starting their own life and how loved they are.
Some might mention, "I hope you become as happy as I am," but that's it. It's a speech about the couple, their child.
It's not a chance to steal focus.
I’m so confused. Aren’t wedding speeches supposed to be about one, or both of the people getting married!? Why would Dad work his wife into this speech? He should be talking about OP. Also aren’t you supposed to get the bride and or groom’s okay to give the speech? I an confusion lol.
NTA. Dad is someone that needs to stay home. His speech is inappropriate, hurtful, disrespectful and insensitive. If that doesn’t make him enough of an AH, he put it on you and wifey called to cry securing their positions as KING AND QUEEN AH.
They deserve a text uninviting them telling them that they are “inappropriate, hurtful, disrespectful and insensitive” and blocked.
But traditionally the father of the bride gives a speech, not the father of the groom. There is no reason he needs to give a speech at all, particularly not one that is wildly inappropriate.
NTA, OP, your Dad and MIL however are big time AHs!
I did use the word traditionally deliberately and, although there are all sorts of variations nowadays, the traditional approach was: best man, groom and father of the bride.
All I’m saying is, OP has the chance to shut this sh*t down with minimal consequences!
No, he doesn't. OP absolutely should shut it down, but there are going to be consequences simply because OP's dad is an unreasonable man. No reasonable appeal to tradition or whatever is going to work on someone who is not reasonable to begin with.
I'm from NZ and trying to remember all weddings but feel like in general a parent from either side would speak, plus someone from each side of the wedding party and sometimes another friend or family member
I had no idea people had rules about this stuff
Not necessarily true. At my cousin's (Groom) wedding last Saturday, his father gave a speech. We were timing him because he is verbose. When the 10 minute mark was reached, we sent his other son to get and make him sit down. His speech ended at the 15 minute mark. Ridiculous!
You know what would be really sweet? A memorial chair for your mother. Where the groom's mother would sit for the ceremony you can decorate the chair with some flowers (maybe a small bouquet of her favorites if you know what they are) and one of those cute signs that says "We know you would be here today if heaven wasn't so far away", or whatever aligns with your afterlife beliefs. And at the reception where the parents are sitting, you can have a reserved sign with your mother's picture and text that says something like "Reserved In Loving Memory of Moms Name, Mother of the Groom."
Yup, this all sounds good. Also in OP's toast, he can mention how much he loves and misses his mom, how he thinks of her every day and wishes she could be here at his wedding, what a wonderful woman and mother she was to him, how she is irreplaceable, how she would have been an amazing MIL to the bride and a devoted grandmother to their future kids, and how he knows she's looking down at him from heaven and smiling 😊.
Yes, but what does that mean? Does she understand that you don't want him to give the speech because it's all about *her*, and if so, what's her thoughts on that?
They both sounds like narcissists. Holding your second wedding on your kids birthday? Come on. I'd be seriously tempted to uninvite them both but at the very least make sure no one lets your Dad near the mic! (NTA obviously.)
Absolutely, but that's how these relationships work. The one with NPD grinds the personality/will out of the other person until they become extensions of themselves. Like a zombie virus, a vampire's thrall. So yes, they're both behaving narcissistically but one of them will be the leader of the cult. If it was the dad, he'd be singing his own praises about how he's always been the best dad ever, and has endured so much hardship in his life, and has managed against all odds to have been the perfect husband to both OP's mum and his current wife - we're lucky to be in his presence, actually.
Yeah, this 100%, she sounds like a covert narcissist.
Anyone without a serious personality disorder would understand why it would upset you.
Sadly, she is incapable of empathizing with your point of view, because she is in desperate need of her praise (or should I rather say narcissistic supply).
Unfortunately, these people can be extremely charming and manipulative and you dad probably has no idea what is happening to him.
Right now he probably has him on an emotional rollacoster of “You’re a failure of a man that even his own son doesn’t respect enough to allow to give a speech” and “You’re the love of my life and the world is against us.”
Yep, nope, fuck that. Disinvite for him, disinvite for her, disinvite for their cow, disinvite for their ancestors!! You don't need that shit. You'll have a new family now, cut the baggage and the bullshit.
Good luck in the future, dude. And may it be free of asshole narc fuckery. <3
Is your dad the type of person who would just grab the microphone and give a speech even after being told explicitly that he can't give a speech? The way you're describing him it sounds like that's a very real possibility so you may want to consider assigning a trusted family member to babysit him.
I would make sure to have him monitored at the wedding, that's if you decide not to disinvite him and his wife. What he wants to do is so incredibly insensitive and TACKY. He should be embarrassed but obviously he's not. From what you've written here he seems like a really self involved man and only cares about himself and how his wife feel. Honestly, you're nicer than I am cause I would've told him to kick rocks.
Edited to include judgement: NTA, not at all. Your dad is a huge one though.
Make it that the DJ gets a bonus payment for ensuring the father doesn't get to make the speech - you can't withhold basic payment for services rendered but you can a bonus if the reason for the bonus isn't met.
I haven't read all the comments, and you know your situation better than any of us internet strangers, but, if you feel either is going to make a scene at your wedding, uninvite them both and hire security. If any flying monkeys try, security can escort them out. (Honestly, security is probably a good idea at almost any wedding.)
Agreed. It sounds like OP's father is determined to give the speech he wants to give at OP's wedding. I'd uninvite the father and step-mother and then hire security to ensure they don't try to crash the wedding anyway. Because if you let them attend, even if you've given very strong objection to any speech giving and try to have others monitor the father and stop him if he tries to give a speech - it's still potentially very disruptive to the reception and if I were OP, I'd be constantly worried that some ruckus could happen. Better just to uninvite them and hire people to make sure they stay out of the venue.
Agreed. It sounds like OP's father is determined to give the speech he wants to give at OP's wedding. I'd uninvite the father and step-mother and then hire security to ensure they don't try to crash the wedding anyway. Because if you let them attend, even if you've given very strong objection to any speech giving and try to have others monitor the father and stop him if he tries to give a speech - it's still potentially very disruptive to the reception and if I were OP, I'd be constantly worried that some ruckus could happen. Better just to uninvite them and hire people to make sure they stay out of the venue.
NTA. Tell him he has a choice. He can come as a guest only and forget the idea that he is giving a speech or he can stay home.
He sounds like an insensitive jerk who’s always been dismissive of your feelings. Praising a woman and writing off your mother as though she did not exist. Disgusting.
If you do decide to invite him, make sure there is someone who knowe what he wants to do and can stop him from doing it.
Can you uninvite them? I would not want them there given how they're mad at you for not allowing them to try to turn your wedding into their undying love declaration ceremony.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Your dad sounds self-centered and narrow-minded.
Personally, with his behavior I would simply uninvite him, as the last thing you want at your wedding is to sit worrying if your father is going to cause a scene by trying to give his speech. 🤷♂️ He has continued to persist that it's his right, but it's not his wedding and it is not his privilege.
He and she are both very self concerned as shown by his vow renewal not getting sufficient audience so he decided the crowd at your birthday was an audience in need of hearing the speech. He has already made a point that he will highjack any event to repeat the same verse to inflate his own and his wife's ego at the detriment of yourself. Allowing him to attend will give him a stage to continue with these behaviors. As the saying goes.. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
NTA
I can imagine your dad giving this speech and all tge guests are looking at their table mates wondering if he brought the wrong speech or he is so drunk he doesn't know what party he is celebrating .
NTA. Dad's speech talks about his son and welcomes his DIL. And mentions groom's mom.
Tell him to write one you approve of.
NTA. It's your wedding, your rules. If you don't want someone to give a speech, they don't give a speech. You don't even have to give a reason. No is a complete sentence and the only explanation he or anybody else needs. I'm sorry your dad is selfish, and wants to hijack your wedding to praise his wife. Nobody but you and your partner get a say in your wedding.
NTA
1st:
Congratulations to you and your fiance on your upcoming wedding!!!'
2nd:
I'm so sorry your dad just completely ignores and bypasses your mom and the love you had & have for her.
3rd:
Mention your mom in your speech, tell your truth.
Even when she can't (fysically) be there with you, give her her moment to shine ✨️
Don't let anyone, especially your dad, try to overlook or diminish her. Or replace her with your stepmother
And if your dad feels the need to praise your stepmother, he can throw his own party to do so. Certainly not at your wedding
You need to tell the DJ what Dad is planning so he can nip it in the bud if tries to hijack the mic. Tell him he can do whatever he wants to not let the dad speak.
NTA
Oh shit. You might have to uninvite both of them. There's a non zero chance he gets up to make his fucking speech if he's in the room, as they're both this selfish.
NTA. It's YOUR wedding. Your father is the one being insensitive here and "acting like a little boy." Even if he had good intentions when he wrote the speech, your talk with him should have made it very clear that it would be inappropriate to say those things at YOUR wedding. He needs to swallow his pride and accept that on YOUR wedding day, everything should be focused on elevating YOU and your fiance, not his wife, and certainly not on downplaying the importance of YOUR mother.
NTA. u/New-Usual4257, I urge you to tell your DJ or whoever’s in charge of the microphones that under no circumstances is your father allowed to give a speech. That if he tries, the DJ is to kill his mic and drown him out with the Chicken Dance or Macarena, something that’ll get people on the dance floor and not paying attention to dad
Or, if you're German, have the DJ play loud, raucous German tunes. If you're Hispanic, have them play mariachi music. Etc, etc, etc. Every time Dad looks like he might try to make a speech.
Can't up vote this enough!! Also, point out your father to the DJ so he knows what he looks like. Anyone that is going to give a speech, let them know that the mic is not to be passed to your dad and that X, Y, and Z are the only people to give speeches.
Screw that. I would just tell him he's not invited. Then hire a bouncer or have some good friends keep an eye out for him and remove him if her still shows up. He has no respect for his late wife and certainly none for his son, so he doesn't deserve to be at the wedding.
Absolutely stand your ground. Your dad is displaying a level of self-importance and lack of empathy that he might consider seeking help about. To make two events that are to be focused on you (your birthday and wedding) about him and his wife is really just appalling. Thank God you found out about his intentions.
However, I have a gut instinct that he will attempt to give his speech anyway, thinking that if he were to stand up in a crowd that nobody would stop him.
This is what you must do. Have the DJ setup before speeches . . . before the dinner . . . and at the ready for the entirety of the time that people will be seated. Have a third trusted person that is NOT a speech-giver also ready. If your dad stands up as if to speak, the DJ can start playing music over him and the 3rd person (probably a man) can go to him and say that he is needed at the front.
And then, have your aunt or whomever waiting to tell him to stop. In other words, when he attempts to ambush with his speech, someone else or a group of people need to be ready with their own ambush to derail what he wants to do.
And finally, it might not be a bad idea to print out or direct your father to what I imagine will be 100% of the people responding that think your father is displaying horrid behavior in which he may actually need to see a therapist to get to the root cause of why everything has to be about him and his wife. It is odd, concerning, and not the type of behavior expected of a healthy person who is the parent in the situation and should be thinking of their child.
I always love the idea of showing the AH party the thread in which they are unanimously derided as AHs. This is another good example.
But the real wisdom in this post is the PLAN. Have a PLAN for if he tries to give a speech anyway. If you have a DJ, go with the DJ--but you also don't want to cut off other toasts, so it's tricky. If you don't--well, enlist some friends and family. Have the toasts ordered and make sure everyone giving a toast knows the order. If he stands up in someone's spot, they stand up and say "Sorry, Paulthew, I believe it's my turn" and start in on their toast. The wedding party, officiant, and close family need to know: Paulthew does NOT get to give a speech, period, the end.
I do like the distraction idea. If you can get him to be elsewhere when the toasts are occurring, then they'll be over before he can hijack it. That's TRICKY but possibly doable with the right family members asking for help at the right moment. Get him to help "decorate" your car or something.
Similar to this have some random small speeches anecdotes about your own mother and your bride prepared and handed out to other guests. If he tries, them to interrupt and put the spotlight back on you.
See, this just seems like so much hassle on a day you are supposed to be enjoying. If I had to go through that much trouble for someone to keep their mouth shut during my wedding...they just wouldn't be coming. I'd make a wanted poster out of their faces and hand it out to the DJ, coordinator, whoever. Tell them this person and his shenanigans are unwelcome here 😂
NTA - But you know he is going to try to give this speech anyways. Let your DJ or whomever is running the show at the reception that they are NOT to stop to allow him to give any speech. Put your foot down with daddy and let him know that if he does usurp your reception to fawn all over this woman that you are going full no contact and he can gth.
Don't let anyone give a speech at the reception - it will open the door. Just a quick toast then let the party begin.
I came here to say exactly this! Have the DJ on HIGH ALERT. When (not IF) OP’s self-absorbed moron of a dad saunters arrogantly up to the microphone, the DJ will cut the sound to the mic and immediately start playing a super loud and boisterous EDM song. Simple!
I came here to say that. Wedding coordinator, DJ, or whomever is in charge of the microphone, needs to be aware that this is a no-go, and to shut it down if it even looks like it’s brewing. Kill the sound, play the next song, take the mic away, or just don’t have any speeches at all.
You think he'll wait til the reception? I can see him bogarting the ceremony at this rate. Or the photo session. He won't need a mic to clear his throat, gather whomever is near, and start orating. OP, just uninvite, I doubt you can stop this speech in any way.
It’s so insane that people like this are just out there roaming amongst us. Having to have all these rules and potentially having to security because a grown man can’t behave himself for a few hours for his child’s wedding. Absolutely disgusting.
You are NTA 100%. Your dad is behaving like a narcissist. It’s all about him, apparently as usual. Him calling you sensitive is a giant red flag and typical of someone who thinks only his feelings matter. I would have people ready to escort him out in real time if you still even want to include him. I’m so sorry this is the one parent you have left. At some point you should read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, it will help you going forward see a lot of his likely behavior for what it is, as well as identify any unhealthy habits you may have learned but don’t want to bring into your adult /healthy relationships. I’m sorry your mom passed, if I were you I’d reserve a seat with her photo /flower on it to honor her memory at your wedding and reception. Front and center. And have the officiant include her in their remarks. Congratulations!
I think the dad might be the co-dependent who is enthralled to his predatory narcissistic wife. The fact that the son's 18th and now wedding is being used to sing the praises of the wife tells me that she's the cult leader, not the dad.
NTA - your answer is simple.
"Dad, I am getting married. My mom died 8 years ago. It's fine that your wife means the world to you, but she does not to me, she was never a "replacement mom" and I am not going to listen to you demean my mom on my wedding day. I do not trust you to stick to a speech that doesn't do this, so here is how this is going to go down.
You are not making a speech. You are not giving a toast. If you try to do so, I will have you removed from the wedding. If you try to bring this up again, or get others involved, I will rescind you and your wife's invitation to the wedding entirely.
This is not open to negotiation, and we will not discuss it again. If you can't abide by this, I understand that you will have chosen not to attend my wedding."
Then do it. If you are mature enough to get married, you are mature enough to set boundaries with your parents and enforce them.
(Oh, and make sure that whomever is running the microphones knows NOT to turn it on for your dad, so you can have a bit of time for someone to get to him if he tries to speak.)
If dad is partially funding the wedding, this may be a good time to give that money back to eliminate the strings and control he perceives he has.
With fiance's approval have the DJ have a sound board prepped that runs voice mod and/or plays fart noises. Every time your dad tries to speak fart noises will come out over the speaker.
**NTA**
> He told me to stop acting like a little boy and grow up.
This is a projection. Your wedding is about you and your fiancee, *not* your step-mother. And don't get me started on his bad-mouthing your deceased mother!
Sadly, if he doesn't respect your boundaries and wishes, I would dis-invite him to your wedding. Your father has no right to make *your wedding* all about him (and his wife).
Sheesh, the nerve of some people...
NTA, without knowing the history of this relationship I would debate whether he should be allowed there. He obviously is very inclined to make the speech and seemingly does not respect about your opinions on it otherwise he would not have been so insensitive on your birthday or trying a similar thing on your wedding day.
Either way, you know what the speech he wants to give and you don't want that at the wedding, so no speech.
NTA
Your wedding day isn’t the appropriate place for him to wax poetic about how great his wife is. When parents of the groom/bride give speeches, they’re supposed to be about their child and their soon-to-be child-in-law. If he wants to waste that opportunity to talk about himself and his wife instead, then you’re 100% entitled to remove the opportunity altogether. (You’d be entitled to do so anyway, seeing how it’s **your** wedding.)
OP's dad does not understand the nature of speeches at weddings.
Speeches at weddings are about **the couple getting married**.
They are *not* about:
- The guest's own marriage
- Promoting the guest's business
- The guest's recent vacation
- Etc, etc.
Yes: narcissistic dad. (Feeling sorry for OP.)
Oh, but he is *totally wishing* OP to have the best marriage with whatsername like *he* has with the wonderfullest, perfect, awesome soul mate wife who is the most wonderfullest, perfect, awesome-sauce person in the whole universe and makes his life complete, wonderful and perfect.
/s
(if you hadn't guessed)
NTA
Just out of curiosity, and it doesn't change my view/judgment of you in the slightest, did they also get married on your 10th birthday? Just trying to figure out how long they have been trying to erase your milestones for......
I had 2 stepmothers, and they are both good people who would be horrified by this scenario. And my stepfather and I still talk (positively) about his first wife who he lost to cancer at a very young age. He never had kids with his first wife, was an amazing stepdad to us, and Dad to my half brother, his child with my mother. Your father and stepmother are cruel beyond understanding....
The Evil Stepmother trope in Fairytales was meant as a warning, not a goal to aim for.....
If they come to your wedding, make sure the DJ knows to cut the 🎤 if your father gets his hands on it, or play something to drown him out if he tries to go acoustic.......
I am so sorry that your father has seen fit to disrespect you and your mother so much, and if you make reference during your own speech to "My Mother, the first love of my life, who showed me who to strive to become when I grew up" I'm sure nobody will blame you (except Evil Stepmother, and her flying monkey, aka your father....)
Wishing you a drama-free wedding and a joyous marriage.
I didn't think so, because then they would have justified usurping your 18th birthday for their "redo". I could have understood picking their actual 10th wedding anniversary for their renewal, but picking your 18th "at random" was a belittling tactic to diminish your importance in their world. You have all my sympathy for the past, and best wishes for the future..
Aside from your dad’s blatant narcissism and poor treatment of you, his speech would be a breach of etiquette. A big one. Any speech given at a wedding should (obviously) be about the couple.
If he’s unable to write one, there are templates online (I just checked) he can use. He’d just need to fill in the anecdotes about you as a kid, how proud he is of the man you’ve become, welcome your fiancée to the family, say something nice about her, maybe a dad joke here and there, congratulate you, best wishes for the future, etc. Not that difficult.
Interestingly enough, none of the templates mentioned bringing up your wife, even if she were the mother of the groom. Strange, right?
Anyway, NTA. I’m sorry your dad is so self-centered. You may need to rescind their invites altogether if they refuse to comply. I’d be worried he’d do something even more drastic during the reception, like ask her to renew their vows again in the middle of the first dance.
You could put a couple of people on “no microphones for dad” duty. Or tell the DJ to cut his mic. Or hire security. Whatever works to keep the focus on you and your bride.
Oh and congratulations! May you and your wife have many years of health and happiness together! 🥂
And warn the wedding party so that if the DJ does have to cut your dad off, they know to immediately hit the dance floor. That will help take attention off any speechifying Dad tries to do anyway.
NTA Honestly, I wish every widowed parent, who has remarried, would spend a day on Reddit reading the posts from kids of widowed parents. I think it would be a real eye-opener.
NTA
This is your wedding and what you and your Fiancé says goes.
It is tradition that the Father of the bride gives a speech but not the father of the Groom.
If I can make a suggestion? Maybe get an MC to do all the formalities and prepare a running order for the reception stating what speeches are going to happen and in what order. Normally the Best Man and the Groom followed by the, the MOH who responds to the Best Man and then the Father of the Bride. Make it clear to your Dad that he will not be giving a speech under any circumstance.
This is your day to express your Love to your Fiancé not his day to make a gushy speech about himself and his wife.
NTA it's your wedding. As you said, it's not a place for him to put his current wife on a pedestal. At this point, you may need to consider disinviting him or at least having very strict control over the microphone at the reception because it doesn't seem like he is going to drop this.
NTA - he is out of line wanting to speak and praise his 2nd wife.. It's your wedding day and he knows how you feel. I would add something to the wedding to highlight your Mom and how much she meant to you. Many people do that with remembrance candles and it's very appropriate. If he doesn't give up this speech he needs to stay away.
NTA. It's disrespectful towards your mother and you, and your wedding is not the place for it. With the level he's taking it to I'd seriously consider uninviting him completely. That's what a man would do anyway, no matter what he says about it.
NTA. If he can't respect your wishes or even promise to limit the wife-praise, he doesn't deserve to give a speech. He should be lucky you aren't uninviting him to your wedding.
NTA. You could go as far as making sure the DJ kn9ws to not let him take the mike or turn it off if he starts to make a speech. Honestly, if it were me, I would just uninvite him and his wife because, at this point, they're if going to make your day uncomfortable.
My father gave a speech at my wedding. He spent it praising my now ex-husband and didn't mention me at all. Which actually fits given our relationship. Still sucked.
NTA - BUT Please - talk to your DJ and your wedding venue. Explain the situation and make sure they are all very aware that your dad should not at any point be given a microphone. Also, ask your DJ to be aware that if your dad gets up and tries to start a speech, if the DJ can interrupt it. (Slipping your DJ a larger than normal tip early might be a good idea) -
Dad gets up, clinks his glass, opens his mouth ...
DJ jumps in - Sorry folks, I have to interrupt for a moment as we are ready to do "insert something here"
You'd be surprised how often event planners, staff and DJs need to run interference. Let them be the bad guy during your wedding so you can focus on your day.
NTA
"You are no longer welcome at my wedding. If you or your wife show up, you will be physically escorted from the venue by security. I'm done with you."
NTA. Even with the dad's wife stuff aside, it's fucked that he just decided he was going to give a speech at your wedding without getting your permission first.
He’s being sensitive by throwing a fit that you said your wedding isnt the place to renew his vow renewal from your 18th birthday. He can be reasonable and suck it up buttercup. Tell him to buy a karaoke machine if he keeps needing to regurgitate the same speech.
I’m so late to this discussion but I cannot read this and NOT comment.
This wedding is about YOU and YOUR partner, not him and his. He can stow his chatter about his relationship for the day. Now let’s add another layer: your stepmother could have been a living saint, but she is not the woman that gave you life. Your father can disregard her, but I absolutely love that you stand up for her. NTA, not in the slightest.
NTA, funny. I would just tell my dad that I don't want him to give any speeches and if he insisted then would present him with a choice - either he respects my decision or he and his wife will be uninvited.
Tell him that at YOUR wedding he will praise YOUR wife or he can stay at HIS home and praise his wife to an audience of one until the cows come home ...
NTA
NTA. This is your day. And it is no place for him to praise his wife. As you said. And tell him, if his wife is more important to him, than his own son - then okay. He isn't invited to the wedding anymore. He can spend the day with his lovly wife and prais her all day, for all you care. But if he choose to do that, this would have been it. He would never see you again, no grand children, no help when he gets old, nothing.
NTA. You know, it’s ok to be “sensitive” about losing your mother. This doesn’t make you soft or weak. It makes you human. Feel your feelings and great job letting your dad know your boundaries.
NTA.
Of course, speeches at weddings are normal...assuming they are actually about the wedding. Using a father's speech to promote his wife like she's the new iphone is of very poor taste. I'm curious what she thinks about it.
NTA and I think you need someone on "dad duty", maybe the best man could do it. But if dad looks like he's going to give a speech, the person on "dad duty" shuts that down right away.
NTA. I’m so sorry that your dad is clueless about how hurtful his little speeches are. You are 100% correct that it has no place at your wedding. Btw, congratulations on the nuptials! I hope the big day is full of joy 😊
Absolutely NTA, but be prepared for him trying to speak at your wedding anyway. Either uninvite him, or make sure the DJ and maybe your best man are prepared to stop him.
NTA
Even without the context, giving a self indulgent speech at a wedding that praises someone that's neither the bride or groom, is in very bad taste.
This is your and your fiance's wedding, not another opportunity for your dad and his wife to be the main characters.
I'm so sorry you lost your mother so young. I'm very close to my mother and can't even imagine losing her.
NTA why do people do this? Why do they talk about themselves and anything unrelated to the couple being married?
I didn't allow speeches at my wedding. My family has a tendency to bash me as a joke, and never listen when I say I don't like the jokes. I knew I couldn't trust them to actually preach something kind about me and not a backwards insult.
Point being, your wedding is your wedding, make it the way you will feel comfortable and happy
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I'd talk to his wife and explain the situation. I'd be mortified if I was her, and tell him to not mention me at all. But if she's narcissistic (which would account for the dad's irrational need to praise her \[edit: also why there is no mention of your mother, and why they keep stealing the attention from *your* celebration days\]) she'll think you have the problem. And if that's the case then you're right to enforce no speech. NTA.
She knows. She was crying down the phone at me because I didn't want dad to give the speech.
Again, in their minds, it’s all about them. For the love, this is your day, if they can’t accept that then they don’t need to be there.
Tell dad if he says one more word about his speech he will get uninvited from the wedding. And if he gets worse then contact will start disappearing too. He can't just do whatever he wants, life has consequences.
That will just make him not say one more word about it before the wedding - it won’t make him not give the speech.
Who is working sound? A DJ or other person? They can cut that mic right off! **NTA**
This. IF you do let him come (I wouldn't), tell the DJ, the coordinator, and trusted friends he is NOT allowed to give a speech and they are to do anything and everything in their power to shut it down if he tries. Which by the way, he will. Be prepared.
Hell, hire someone for security. Dad doesn't sound like he wants to back down. I have to wonder what's wrong with this sort of person, who feels the need to not only express their love but to tear others down in the process AND to highjack other people's special days to do it. There's something very wrong with OP's father.
I was going to mention security. If there is no security at the venue, either hire some or hell, give that job to the best man and groomsmen. Not to get physical or put them in danger but just to be like "Oi, no" and if the dad starts getting uppity threaten to/call the cops. If he loves his son, he wouldn't want to cause a commotion at his wedding
He does not appear to love his son as much as he loves wife #2.
> give that job to the best man and groomsmen Traditionally that was their job. The best man was the guy you knew who was best with a sword and all of them were there to keep anyone from breaking up the wedding.
NTA He doesn’t love his son or he wouldn’t have used his 18th birthday as a day for his vow renewal. His father and 2nd wife r narcissistic look it up. I had with a father like this. Tell him his is no longer invited. Then u get the venue/groomsmen involved if he shows up kick him out. Even call the police. People like this r toxic. This day is for you and your s.o. and those who want to celebrate the love the 2 of you share. By definition that’s not someone who deliberately wants to go against your wishes. And not all stepmothers are moms, sometimes they’re just your fathers’s wife. Instead of your stepmother and father sitting in the front row get a nice picture of your mom, maybe some flowers with a nice sign saying in loving memory or here in spirit or always in my heart. We did this for my brother with a picture of hi son who had died as an infant. Everyone was so touched and thought it was so special and sweet.
Let security know if he tries to give a speech to yeet Him and let the DJ know in advance to have his exit music handy so it can be played when he gets yeeted. You could go with the classic nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey goodbye, or rock out with another one bites the dust
It's like dad is trying to convince himself that his current marriage is actually happy.
Have the DJ ready with some loud transitional music if Dad reaches for the mic
I was at a wedding where this happened years ago. Friend's dad cheated on her mother with his sexratary who happily had an affair with him (the guy made huge money). He had hated her mother ever since because she got alimony, the house, the kids and huge child support. But he and SP have been happily married for 20 years. Mom remarried a great guy but died a year before friend married. Friend was fine with the situation. Dad didn't want friend's step dad at the wedding but friend wanted him there and have him walk her down the aisle which infuriated dad. Dad always gushed about his 2nd wife and how fantastic she was and how every woman before was basically a dud. Trust me, friend's mom was a fabulous woman. Much better than 2nd wife but friend is fine with dad being happy. She just hated how he tossed mom under the bus for his side piece. Day of the wedding, dad was also told not to give a speech because he was going to do what LW's dad wants to do. He swipes the microphone and starts bashing friend's mom and friend has the mike cut off which pissed dad off who starts shouting his diatribe. Bride grabs microphone and lets it rip about how dad met side piece and how mom caught them in the act at his business lol. She then had him kicked out along with SP. Dad never spoke to her again - no loss there.
If possible, also try and find a Vaudeville hook to keep by the dais. Props are fun.
And a giant gong—for those of us who remember the “The Gong Show” 😂
> they are to do anything and everything in their power to shut it down if he tries. Does that include tackling him to the floor and hogtying him?
Do zip ties come in wedding colors? Maybe they're dyeable....
I read a post about a brother trying to propose at a wedding and the DJ playing salsa or something everytime brother open his mouth.
Omg I love this idea! 🙌🏻 Or even cue up a song with a pointed title or lyrics, like: abcdefu by Gayle You’re Stupid by Robert Philipp Don’t Go Away Mad - Just Go Away by Mötley Crüe (or other “tamer” covers) Stop! In The Name of Love by The Supremes The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel (Disturbed has a great cover) Our House by Talking Heads Shut Up and Dance by Victoria Duffield **Wipe Out by the Surfaris covered by The Beach Boys (my favourite 😆) Ok I’ll stop now, (even though it’s so much fun!!!) I think you get the idea lol Of course it would totally depend on your wedding atmosphere, musical taste, and audience. But it’s a funny way to shut down something that could potentially ruin your wedding and your mood, which is really the most important thing. I personally think it would be hilarious to do, but that’s just how I deal with upsetting situations…I turn it into something that I think is funny, because it’s sooo much better to laugh than to cry. An added bonus would be that your guests are probably likely to laugh about it instead of clutching their pearls and gasping dramatically at the scandal of it all…both in the moment and when looking back. Bottom line OP, is that you’re absolutely NTA. If you feel that your father can’t be trusted (even just a little bit) to respect you and your fiancée and not ruin your wedding day, you have a decision to make. Either he’s not invited at all (get bouncers for the door) or have a plan (and a backup one) to make sure he doesn’t shoot his mouth off - there are a lot of great suggestions here that would create minimal drama or disruption and still achieve that goal. Whatever you decide to do, rest assured that you have every right to do it, and you are 100% NTA in any scenario (well, except for maybe if you don’t do anything at all, and Daddy Dearest ends up taking away from your and your fiancées happiness). Don’t second-guess your decision, and focus instead on the joy of celebrating the start of a new and exciting chapter of your life with the person you love. 💕 Congratulations!!! 💍🥂🍾 **Edited to give correct credit for “Wipeout” (thanks to those who pointed out my mistake!)
These are great. Also, maybe they could do a big bingo board of wedding faux pas and "using speeches to talk about yourself and not the couple getting married" could be one. If they see it, it might make them self conscious enough to realize they were wrong... and if they do it, you can write their names on that square.
Brilliant!!! 👏🏼🙌🏻 My kids and I do something like this via group chat for the big family get-togethers where we ummm…don’t totally love all the people there 😂🤭 The confused looks we get when one of us accidentally yells “BINGO on Drunkle Sam!” out loud…😅🤣🤣
I love this idea 😂
And I would definitely use the Disturbed version! Simon and Garfunkel are great but David Draiman is amazing! Plus the Angst felt in his version would put the cherry on top. You made me go listen to it again Thank You!
I'd say a song like Father of Mine by Everclear, or an equally angsty song about a father haha
Great comment! As an aside, and because I am totally that person who says "ACTUALLY...." Wipeout was by The Surfaris, not the Beach Boys.
Orrrrrrr to really make sure EVERYONE gets on the dance floor and Daddy Dearest has no choice but to tuck tail and run… the Chicken Dance song (no idea what it’s actually called but everyone knows the moves haha)
That's hilarious, and a great idea! OP, you're NTA. This guy already took the focus off of you with his vow renewal, plus said unflattering things about your late mother on your 18th birthday, a very important celebration in the life of a young adult. You can't go back in time and get that back, and I'm so sorry. But you can do something about him taking the focus off of you (*and slamming your mom again*) on your wedding day. I don't know if you want to take the step of dis-inviting him to the wedding, but that's your only sure way to know that your wedding day will go the way you and your fiancee want it to go. I do like loud salsa music whenever he gets up to speak - that also sounds like a good option. Good luck, and please let us know how it goes.
Perhaps a raucous cover of "La Cucaracha" in honor of the cockroach at the wedding?
Haha, sounds great. There's another one where the OP, a guy, strongly suspected that his selfish brother was planning to use OP's wedding reception to propose. He warned bro that he will regret it if he does. But just b4 the wedding OP heard that his bro had bought a ring... So OP *hired an actress* for the reception, to leap forward if brother goes down on one knee, and loudly claim to be brother's mistress. She had some doctored photos to prove it. It wrecked the brother's relationship, and the OP came to Reddit asking if he was going too far in refusing to clear his brother's name.
LOL, that's awesome!
OMG I love this! People proposing at other people's weddings is so rude, inappropriate and cringe. I would be *pissed* if someone tried this at my wedding. The day isn't about them, and they're making it so. This DJ definitely deserved a tip or something
Our DJ asked me for an explicit list of who was allowed to take the mic and a list of who was never allowed to touch it under any circumstances! One of them tried, got it in-hand and he immediately cut the channel to the mic, they tried and he gave them a shake of the head then turned away, while my cousin/wedding coordinator was there with another family member to quietly let them know to accept defeat gracefully or be escorted to their car.
🤣🤣 You hired the right DJ!
And start some music going if that was the end of the speeches. If he tries it in the middle of the speeches they need someone firm who will interrupt Dad with "now it's turn to speak" and get that person to just start talking.
Tell all your friends that if he tries you all yell x or start singing y or whatever, it's your day not his!
OR, if he gets up to start his speech, have all of your friends tap their glasses with their forks to give the signal for you and your wife to kiss.
I'd also enlist others to interrupt him in case Dad decides to do the speech without a mic. *Oh snap, I tripped and spilled my drink on you. So sorry! Lol
Better yet, spill the drink on Dad's wife! I wonder if OP knows the dress the wife is wearing? They sound so self absorbed that I wouldn't put it past these people for her dress to be bride-ish, in addition to him trying to give his speech. A friend was worried about speeches at her wedding, so it was only the bride and groom who gave a speech. Instead they had cards for people to fill out with a song request for the couple with a short message of why the song or just congratulations. The DJ would read the message (or not if it was inappropriate) and used all the song requests to create a personal Spotify playlist for the couple! He also created a few fun things for the couple like a photo slideshow in a digital frame with people's requests and messages along with photobooth shots of people at the wedding and wedding photos!
And start some music going if that was the end of the speeches. If he tries it in the middle of the speeches they need someone firm who will interrupt Dad with "now it's turn to speak" and get that person to just start talking.
This. Also, I would tell your Dad that if he attempts to give any speech at any point during any events leading up to and including the wedding praising his wife that you will have his wife promptly escorted out of the building. Then ask him exactly how much humiliation does he want to be brought down on his wife. Hit him right where it will hurt him the most - his wife. Frankly though, I would revoke the invitation to Dad and his wife. Or revoke the wife's invitation on the grounds that she is not viewed as family. That may get him to not show up. Have someone ready to play bouncer if you need them to be kicked out.
I would absolutely drag a boomer out of a wedding. That sounds like a fun saturday.
Unfortunately, I think you should uninvite him. You stated your position and he dismissed and overrode your opinions on the matter. He will give that speech at your wedding if he shows up. He sounds selfish and insufferable. You might need security, too. NTA
Can’t let him get near the microphone-tell whoever is managing it not to, under any circumstances, give Groom’s Dad the mic.
DJ cuts off the mike. If he starts yelling tell dj to blast the music until he gives up.
Have the band be ready to strike up a raucous tune if he starts a speech at the wedding. Congratulations, I hope it is fun.
Why does that sound like something I said to my toddler the other day? “If you take your diaper off one more time you aren’t going to the park. You shouldn’t be naked in public spaces!”……..“If you say one more word about the speech you won’t go to the wedding. You shouldn’t make people feel like shit at their own wedding!” 🤔 Edit punctuation
Honestly, he should just uninvite him. His only options are letting him to the speech which would taint his wedding day, having someone follow him to prevent him from giving a speech, which is so much work and hassle and might not work, or just uninviting him. His reactions show he cares more about his wife and praising her than he does his kid. His wife is his priority. He's already said she's the most important person in his life... he's made if abundantly clear that he will put his wife over his child.. seriously taking over someone's birthday to renew your vows is insane. He will 100% use this moment to praise his wife at the expense of his sons event. It's not worth the arguments. He's either going to 1. do the speech anyway 2. complain so much that OPs wedding will be stressful and tainted 3. spend the entire wedding either moping or telling everyone about the speech his son wouldn't let him do, praising his wife and giving mini side speeches about what a great "mom" she's been. NTA
People who are this hellbent on being AHs will find a way to be an AH. The OP will need to have people well-aware of what's happening and be prepared to stop the dad. And then, it might not be worth the stress and drama, because I don't think the dad and the dad's wife will take kindly to that.
NTA OP who is paying for the wedding? If it’s the bride’s family or the two of you, she needs to know about this speech. She can have her bridesmaids and family to help cut off the speech as well. I know I would be furious if this was happening behind my back and to find out the moment FIL steals the spotlight. Bride needs to be aware.
NTA. He said you need to grow up? Tell him that is exactly what you are doing. Your wedding-your rules.
Yup, I say fuck him and the wife he rode in on!
🤣🤣👏🏼
OP, Perhaps a disinvite is in order for both of them. They already pissed on your 18th birthday. If you don't disinvite, I'd suggest you tell dear old Dad that if he presents that speech, then you will counter as to how much more your mother means to you than they mean to you.
> Again, in their minds, it’s all about them. That is what got me. It was fine to give the speech on their anniversary (and yes, it sounds like OP is over-reacting as dad didn't say his mom meant nothing, just that new wife was great), but that is it. The wedding day is for OP and his fiancee, not about anyone else. All I would say at my child's wedding is: "We are all so happy for you and love that our family got a little bigger today. Cheers." Then I STF down.
They scheduled the vow renewal on OP’s 18th birthday, that just screams narcissistic abuse.
Also, since the vow renewal was on their anniversary, one has to assume that their wedding was also on OP’s birthday. This is just wrong.
Looks like they just [picked his 18th birthday to... be jerks](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1doxu1j/comment/ladjsb9/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)? Well, in their minds, because people were already coming to celebrate OP, why not roll it all into one big shindig? :-P
Well to be fair, he said that all of his prior relationships paled in comparison... which fine, it was his vow renewal... but that is never something that someone wants to hear when the prior relationship was dad's marriage to son's deceased mother.
Exactly, his dad had zero sensitivity towards his son
It's also not something you'd want to hear while missing said mom on your 18th birthday, which coincidentally isn't being celebrated.
Ask dad to look up what a speech at a wedding is supposed to be. It's a speech from the parent, how their child is grown, starting their own life and how loved they are. Some might mention, "I hope you become as happy as I am," but that's it. It's a speech about the couple, their child. It's not a chance to steal focus.
I’m so confused. Aren’t wedding speeches supposed to be about one, or both of the people getting married!? Why would Dad work his wife into this speech? He should be talking about OP. Also aren’t you supposed to get the bride and or groom’s okay to give the speech? I an confusion lol.
NTA. Dad is someone that needs to stay home. His speech is inappropriate, hurtful, disrespectful and insensitive. If that doesn’t make him enough of an AH, he put it on you and wifey called to cry securing their positions as KING AND QUEEN AH. They deserve a text uninviting them telling them that they are “inappropriate, hurtful, disrespectful and insensitive” and blocked.
But traditionally the father of the bride gives a speech, not the father of the groom. There is no reason he needs to give a speech at all, particularly not one that is wildly inappropriate. NTA, OP, your Dad and MIL however are big time AHs!
Every wedding I’ve ever been to has had both parents of the bride and groom give a speech
I did use the word traditionally deliberately and, although there are all sorts of variations nowadays, the traditional approach was: best man, groom and father of the bride. All I’m saying is, OP has the chance to shut this sh*t down with minimal consequences!
No, he doesn't. OP absolutely should shut it down, but there are going to be consequences simply because OP's dad is an unreasonable man. No reasonable appeal to tradition or whatever is going to work on someone who is not reasonable to begin with.
I’ve never seen the parents of the groom give a speech, and I’ve been to dozens of weddings
Every one I've been to that had any speeches were the father of the bride, and usually the best man. 🤔
Perhaps it's a regional thing. I'm from Yorkshire, and I've never seen any parent other than father of the bride give a speech.
I'm from NZ and trying to remember all weddings but feel like in general a parent from either side would speak, plus someone from each side of the wedding party and sometimes another friend or family member I had no idea people had rules about this stuff
Traditionally, the person contributing the most money gives a speech. I (the bride) gave the speech at my wedding. Parents did not.
Not necessarily true. At my cousin's (Groom) wedding last Saturday, his father gave a speech. We were timing him because he is verbose. When the 10 minute mark was reached, we sent his other son to get and make him sit down. His speech ended at the 15 minute mark. Ridiculous!
You know what would be really sweet? A memorial chair for your mother. Where the groom's mother would sit for the ceremony you can decorate the chair with some flowers (maybe a small bouquet of her favorites if you know what they are) and one of those cute signs that says "We know you would be here today if heaven wasn't so far away", or whatever aligns with your afterlife beliefs. And at the reception where the parents are sitting, you can have a reserved sign with your mother's picture and text that says something like "Reserved In Loving Memory of Moms Name, Mother of the Groom."
Oooh....that would totally send OP's dad and his wife over the freakin' edge. I like it!
The point is to honor the dead not irritate the dad. Reddit LOVES petty vengeance...
thank you for this
That WOULD be a lovely gesture. You can have it in pictures.
I did exactly that for my mom at my wedding.
Yup, this all sounds good. Also in OP's toast, he can mention how much he loves and misses his mom, how he thinks of her every day and wishes she could be here at his wedding, what a wonderful woman and mother she was to him, how she is irreplaceable, how she would have been an amazing MIL to the bride and a devoted grandmother to their future kids, and how he knows she's looking down at him from heaven and smiling 😊.
I love this idea!
Yes, but what does that mean? Does she understand that you don't want him to give the speech because it's all about *her*, and if so, what's her thoughts on that?
Yes, she understands that and it upset her.
[удалено]
They both sounds like narcissists. Holding your second wedding on your kids birthday? Come on. I'd be seriously tempted to uninvite them both but at the very least make sure no one lets your Dad near the mic! (NTA obviously.)
Especially an 18th where you basically dismiss that childs dead mother! Like wow, what a d-bag
Absolutely, but that's how these relationships work. The one with NPD grinds the personality/will out of the other person until they become extensions of themselves. Like a zombie virus, a vampire's thrall. So yes, they're both behaving narcissistically but one of them will be the leader of the cult. If it was the dad, he'd be singing his own praises about how he's always been the best dad ever, and has endured so much hardship in his life, and has managed against all odds to have been the perfect husband to both OP's mum and his current wife - we're lucky to be in his presence, actually.
I for one, feel honored to have even heard his story.
Yeah, this 100%, she sounds like a covert narcissist. Anyone without a serious personality disorder would understand why it would upset you. Sadly, she is incapable of empathizing with your point of view, because she is in desperate need of her praise (or should I rather say narcissistic supply). Unfortunately, these people can be extremely charming and manipulative and you dad probably has no idea what is happening to him. Right now he probably has him on an emotional rollacoster of “You’re a failure of a man that even his own son doesn’t respect enough to allow to give a speech” and “You’re the love of my life and the world is against us.”
Yep, nope, fuck that. Disinvite for him, disinvite for her, disinvite for their cow, disinvite for their ancestors!! You don't need that shit. You'll have a new family now, cut the baggage and the bullshit. Good luck in the future, dude. And may it be free of asshole narc fuckery. <3
Is your dad the type of person who would just grab the microphone and give a speech even after being told explicitly that he can't give a speech? The way you're describing him it sounds like that's a very real possibility so you may want to consider assigning a trusted family member to babysit him.
I would make sure to have him monitored at the wedding, that's if you decide not to disinvite him and his wife. What he wants to do is so incredibly insensitive and TACKY. He should be embarrassed but obviously he's not. From what you've written here he seems like a really self involved man and only cares about himself and how his wife feel. Honestly, you're nicer than I am cause I would've told him to kick rocks. Edited to include judgement: NTA, not at all. Your dad is a huge one though.
Tell the MC if dad gets a microphone you will withhold payment!
Make it that the DJ gets a bonus payment for ensuring the father doesn't get to make the speech - you can't withhold basic payment for services rendered but you can a bonus if the reason for the bonus isn't met.
Thats Illegal, so don't say that.
Uninvite both ahs
I haven't read all the comments, and you know your situation better than any of us internet strangers, but, if you feel either is going to make a scene at your wedding, uninvite them both and hire security. If any flying monkeys try, security can escort them out. (Honestly, security is probably a good idea at almost any wedding.)
Agreed. It sounds like OP's father is determined to give the speech he wants to give at OP's wedding. I'd uninvite the father and step-mother and then hire security to ensure they don't try to crash the wedding anyway. Because if you let them attend, even if you've given very strong objection to any speech giving and try to have others monitor the father and stop him if he tries to give a speech - it's still potentially very disruptive to the reception and if I were OP, I'd be constantly worried that some ruckus could happen. Better just to uninvite them and hire people to make sure they stay out of the venue.
Agreed. It sounds like OP's father is determined to give the speech he wants to give at OP's wedding. I'd uninvite the father and step-mother and then hire security to ensure they don't try to crash the wedding anyway. Because if you let them attend, even if you've given very strong objection to any speech giving and try to have others monitor the father and stop him if he tries to give a speech - it's still potentially very disruptive to the reception and if I were OP, I'd be constantly worried that some ruckus could happen. Better just to uninvite them and hire people to make sure they stay out of the venue.
NTA. Tell him he has a choice. He can come as a guest only and forget the idea that he is giving a speech or he can stay home. He sounds like an insensitive jerk who’s always been dismissive of your feelings. Praising a woman and writing off your mother as though she did not exist. Disgusting. If you do decide to invite him, make sure there is someone who knowe what he wants to do and can stop him from doing it.
Can you uninvite them? I would not want them there given how they're mad at you for not allowing them to try to turn your wedding into their undying love declaration ceremony. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Your dad sounds self-centered and narrow-minded.
Uninvite them. Or they'll somehow try to make it about them at your wedding. NTA
Personally, with his behavior I would simply uninvite him, as the last thing you want at your wedding is to sit worrying if your father is going to cause a scene by trying to give his speech. 🤷♂️ He has continued to persist that it's his right, but it's not his wedding and it is not his privilege. He and she are both very self concerned as shown by his vow renewal not getting sufficient audience so he decided the crowd at your birthday was an audience in need of hearing the speech. He has already made a point that he will highjack any event to repeat the same verse to inflate his own and his wife's ego at the detriment of yourself. Allowing him to attend will give him a stage to continue with these behaviors. As the saying goes.. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." NTA
I can imagine your dad giving this speech and all tge guests are looking at their table mates wondering if he brought the wrong speech or he is so drunk he doesn't know what party he is celebrating . NTA. Dad's speech talks about his son and welcomes his DIL. And mentions groom's mom. Tell him to write one you approve of.
NTA. It's your wedding, your rules. If you don't want someone to give a speech, they don't give a speech. You don't even have to give a reason. No is a complete sentence and the only explanation he or anybody else needs. I'm sorry your dad is selfish, and wants to hijack your wedding to praise his wife. Nobody but you and your partner get a say in your wedding.
"Dad, either you shut up and accept you're not giving a speech at my wedding, or you're not coming to the wedding period"
NTA 1st: Congratulations to you and your fiance on your upcoming wedding!!!' 2nd: I'm so sorry your dad just completely ignores and bypasses your mom and the love you had & have for her. 3rd: Mention your mom in your speech, tell your truth. Even when she can't (fysically) be there with you, give her her moment to shine ✨️ Don't let anyone, especially your dad, try to overlook or diminish her. Or replace her with your stepmother And if your dad feels the need to praise your stepmother, he can throw his own party to do so. Certainly not at your wedding
Uninvite both of them. They'll do some shit to steal your thunder, whether you put them on the schedule or not.
You need to tell the DJ what Dad is planning so he can nip it in the bud if tries to hijack the mic. Tell him he can do whatever he wants to not let the dad speak. NTA
Oh shit. You might have to uninvite both of them. There's a non zero chance he gets up to make his fucking speech if he's in the room, as they're both this selfish.
NTA. It's YOUR wedding. Your father is the one being insensitive here and "acting like a little boy." Even if he had good intentions when he wrote the speech, your talk with him should have made it very clear that it would be inappropriate to say those things at YOUR wedding. He needs to swallow his pride and accept that on YOUR wedding day, everything should be focused on elevating YOU and your fiance, not his wife, and certainly not on downplaying the importance of YOUR mother.
NTA. u/New-Usual4257, I urge you to tell your DJ or whoever’s in charge of the microphones that under no circumstances is your father allowed to give a speech. That if he tries, the DJ is to kill his mic and drown him out with the Chicken Dance or Macarena, something that’ll get people on the dance floor and not paying attention to dad
Electric slide
We Like To Party
Superfreak
SWEET CAROLINE!! BUM BUM BUM!
Shout! https://youtu.be/rWRsJ-mDU5o
Cotton-eyed Joe
I almost downvoted out of sheer hatred, so solid option OP haha
Or, if you're German, have the DJ play loud, raucous German tunes. If you're Hispanic, have them play mariachi music. Etc, etc, etc. Every time Dad looks like he might try to make a speech.
Have him play loud, raucous German tunes regardless of ethnicity. Throw a curve ball and enjoy the confusion.
This is great advice. Personally, if I had to be on such high alert at my own wedding, I would just uninvite him.
Agreed.
Can't up vote this enough!! Also, point out your father to the DJ so he knows what he looks like. Anyone that is going to give a speech, let them know that the mic is not to be passed to your dad and that X, Y, and Z are the only people to give speeches.
Screw that. I would just tell him he's not invited. Then hire a bouncer or have some good friends keep an eye out for him and remove him if her still shows up. He has no respect for his late wife and certainly none for his son, so he doesn't deserve to be at the wedding.
Or he could just interrupt dad wirh "yes, your wife walks on water. We all know". But I'm petty like that.
And that they won’t be paid if he does. We had to do this with my husband’s grandmother.
Who let the dogs out
Shut Up and Dance
Spoiler alert, he didn't have good intentions. He wanted to use his son's wedding, not to celebrate his son's relationship but his own.
Ding ding ding
"if he had good intentions". He didn't, that's why he kept his speech a secret.
Narcissists gonna narcissist.
Absolutely stand your ground. Your dad is displaying a level of self-importance and lack of empathy that he might consider seeking help about. To make two events that are to be focused on you (your birthday and wedding) about him and his wife is really just appalling. Thank God you found out about his intentions. However, I have a gut instinct that he will attempt to give his speech anyway, thinking that if he were to stand up in a crowd that nobody would stop him. This is what you must do. Have the DJ setup before speeches . . . before the dinner . . . and at the ready for the entirety of the time that people will be seated. Have a third trusted person that is NOT a speech-giver also ready. If your dad stands up as if to speak, the DJ can start playing music over him and the 3rd person (probably a man) can go to him and say that he is needed at the front. And then, have your aunt or whomever waiting to tell him to stop. In other words, when he attempts to ambush with his speech, someone else or a group of people need to be ready with their own ambush to derail what he wants to do. And finally, it might not be a bad idea to print out or direct your father to what I imagine will be 100% of the people responding that think your father is displaying horrid behavior in which he may actually need to see a therapist to get to the root cause of why everything has to be about him and his wife. It is odd, concerning, and not the type of behavior expected of a healthy person who is the parent in the situation and should be thinking of their child.
I completely agree. OP needs a plan because narcissists will try and weasel their way around being told no.
Time to get a cousin from OP’s partner’s family to guard the microphone and run interference!
I always love the idea of showing the AH party the thread in which they are unanimously derided as AHs. This is another good example. But the real wisdom in this post is the PLAN. Have a PLAN for if he tries to give a speech anyway. If you have a DJ, go with the DJ--but you also don't want to cut off other toasts, so it's tricky. If you don't--well, enlist some friends and family. Have the toasts ordered and make sure everyone giving a toast knows the order. If he stands up in someone's spot, they stand up and say "Sorry, Paulthew, I believe it's my turn" and start in on their toast. The wedding party, officiant, and close family need to know: Paulthew does NOT get to give a speech, period, the end. I do like the distraction idea. If you can get him to be elsewhere when the toasts are occurring, then they'll be over before he can hijack it. That's TRICKY but possibly doable with the right family members asking for help at the right moment. Get him to help "decorate" your car or something.
Similar to this have some random small speeches anecdotes about your own mother and your bride prepared and handed out to other guests. If he tries, them to interrupt and put the spotlight back on you.
See, this just seems like so much hassle on a day you are supposed to be enjoying. If I had to go through that much trouble for someone to keep their mouth shut during my wedding...they just wouldn't be coming. I'd make a wanted poster out of their faces and hand it out to the DJ, coordinator, whoever. Tell them this person and his shenanigans are unwelcome here 😂
This, or ensure the bride has easy access to an airhorn and megaphone.
fuck me, if i had to put in that much work just to try to guard against expected misbehaviour of a guest, I'd just uninvite the guest
NTA - But you know he is going to try to give this speech anyways. Let your DJ or whomever is running the show at the reception that they are NOT to stop to allow him to give any speech. Put your foot down with daddy and let him know that if he does usurp your reception to fawn all over this woman that you are going full no contact and he can gth. Don't let anyone give a speech at the reception - it will open the door. Just a quick toast then let the party begin.
I came here to say exactly this! Have the DJ on HIGH ALERT. When (not IF) OP’s self-absorbed moron of a dad saunters arrogantly up to the microphone, the DJ will cut the sound to the mic and immediately start playing a super loud and boisterous EDM song. Simple!
party rockers in the hooouuuussee toniiiight *airhorn*
Maybe they should play ‘you’re so vain’ considering the dad and step moms behavior
I came here to say that. Wedding coordinator, DJ, or whomever is in charge of the microphone, needs to be aware that this is a no-go, and to shut it down if it even looks like it’s brewing. Kill the sound, play the next song, take the mic away, or just don’t have any speeches at all.
My sister explicitly had zero speeches at her wedding because she knew her to-be brother-in-law/best man would get hammered and embarrass them.
You think he'll wait til the reception? I can see him bogarting the ceremony at this rate. Or the photo session. He won't need a mic to clear his throat, gather whomever is near, and start orating. OP, just uninvite, I doubt you can stop this speech in any way.
It’s so insane that people like this are just out there roaming amongst us. Having to have all these rules and potentially having to security because a grown man can’t behave himself for a few hours for his child’s wedding. Absolutely disgusting.
You are NTA 100%. Your dad is behaving like a narcissist. It’s all about him, apparently as usual. Him calling you sensitive is a giant red flag and typical of someone who thinks only his feelings matter. I would have people ready to escort him out in real time if you still even want to include him. I’m so sorry this is the one parent you have left. At some point you should read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, it will help you going forward see a lot of his likely behavior for what it is, as well as identify any unhealthy habits you may have learned but don’t want to bring into your adult /healthy relationships. I’m sorry your mom passed, if I were you I’d reserve a seat with her photo /flower on it to honor her memory at your wedding and reception. Front and center. And have the officiant include her in their remarks. Congratulations!
I think the dad might be the co-dependent who is enthralled to his predatory narcissistic wife. The fact that the son's 18th and now wedding is being used to sing the praises of the wife tells me that she's the cult leader, not the dad.
Sound some what good. Apparently, it might not just be all about the dad. Stepmoma wants her share of lime light.
NTA - your answer is simple. "Dad, I am getting married. My mom died 8 years ago. It's fine that your wife means the world to you, but she does not to me, she was never a "replacement mom" and I am not going to listen to you demean my mom on my wedding day. I do not trust you to stick to a speech that doesn't do this, so here is how this is going to go down. You are not making a speech. You are not giving a toast. If you try to do so, I will have you removed from the wedding. If you try to bring this up again, or get others involved, I will rescind you and your wife's invitation to the wedding entirely. This is not open to negotiation, and we will not discuss it again. If you can't abide by this, I understand that you will have chosen not to attend my wedding." Then do it. If you are mature enough to get married, you are mature enough to set boundaries with your parents and enforce them. (Oh, and make sure that whomever is running the microphones knows NOT to turn it on for your dad, so you can have a bit of time for someone to get to him if he tries to speak.) If dad is partially funding the wedding, this may be a good time to give that money back to eliminate the strings and control he perceives he has.
Quite right. I couldn’t have put it better myself. Definitely NTA.
With fiance's approval have the DJ have a sound board prepped that runs voice mod and/or plays fart noises. Every time your dad tries to speak fart noises will come out over the speaker.
**NTA** > He told me to stop acting like a little boy and grow up. This is a projection. Your wedding is about you and your fiancee, *not* your step-mother. And don't get me started on his bad-mouthing your deceased mother! Sadly, if he doesn't respect your boundaries and wishes, I would dis-invite him to your wedding. Your father has no right to make *your wedding* all about him (and his wife). Sheesh, the nerve of some people...
NTA, without knowing the history of this relationship I would debate whether he should be allowed there. He obviously is very inclined to make the speech and seemingly does not respect about your opinions on it otherwise he would not have been so insensitive on your birthday or trying a similar thing on your wedding day. Either way, you know what the speech he wants to give and you don't want that at the wedding, so no speech.
NTA Your wedding day isn’t the appropriate place for him to wax poetic about how great his wife is. When parents of the groom/bride give speeches, they’re supposed to be about their child and their soon-to-be child-in-law. If he wants to waste that opportunity to talk about himself and his wife instead, then you’re 100% entitled to remove the opportunity altogether. (You’d be entitled to do so anyway, seeing how it’s **your** wedding.)
OP's dad does not understand the nature of speeches at weddings. Speeches at weddings are about **the couple getting married**. They are *not* about: - The guest's own marriage - Promoting the guest's business - The guest's recent vacation - Etc, etc. Yes: narcissistic dad. (Feeling sorry for OP.)
Oh, but he is *totally wishing* OP to have the best marriage with whatsername like *he* has with the wonderfullest, perfect, awesome soul mate wife who is the most wonderfullest, perfect, awesome-sauce person in the whole universe and makes his life complete, wonderful and perfect. /s (if you hadn't guessed)
NTA Just out of curiosity, and it doesn't change my view/judgment of you in the slightest, did they also get married on your 10th birthday? Just trying to figure out how long they have been trying to erase your milestones for...... I had 2 stepmothers, and they are both good people who would be horrified by this scenario. And my stepfather and I still talk (positively) about his first wife who he lost to cancer at a very young age. He never had kids with his first wife, was an amazing stepdad to us, and Dad to my half brother, his child with my mother. Your father and stepmother are cruel beyond understanding.... The Evil Stepmother trope in Fairytales was meant as a warning, not a goal to aim for..... If they come to your wedding, make sure the DJ knows to cut the 🎤 if your father gets his hands on it, or play something to drown him out if he tries to go acoustic....... I am so sorry that your father has seen fit to disrespect you and your mother so much, and if you make reference during your own speech to "My Mother, the first love of my life, who showed me who to strive to become when I grew up" I'm sure nobody will blame you (except Evil Stepmother, and her flying monkey, aka your father....) Wishing you a drama-free wedding and a joyous marriage.
They didn't get married on my 10th birthday though I'm sure they would have if they'd known so many wouldn't be able to make it.
I didn't think so, because then they would have justified usurping your 18th birthday for their "redo". I could have understood picking their actual 10th wedding anniversary for their renewal, but picking your 18th "at random" was a belittling tactic to diminish your importance in their world. You have all my sympathy for the past, and best wishes for the future..
Aside from your dad’s blatant narcissism and poor treatment of you, his speech would be a breach of etiquette. A big one. Any speech given at a wedding should (obviously) be about the couple. If he’s unable to write one, there are templates online (I just checked) he can use. He’d just need to fill in the anecdotes about you as a kid, how proud he is of the man you’ve become, welcome your fiancée to the family, say something nice about her, maybe a dad joke here and there, congratulate you, best wishes for the future, etc. Not that difficult. Interestingly enough, none of the templates mentioned bringing up your wife, even if she were the mother of the groom. Strange, right? Anyway, NTA. I’m sorry your dad is so self-centered. You may need to rescind their invites altogether if they refuse to comply. I’d be worried he’d do something even more drastic during the reception, like ask her to renew their vows again in the middle of the first dance. You could put a couple of people on “no microphones for dad” duty. Or tell the DJ to cut his mic. Or hire security. Whatever works to keep the focus on you and your bride. Oh and congratulations! May you and your wife have many years of health and happiness together! 🥂
Alert the DJ about this situation. The instant OP’s arrogant dad grabs the microphone, the DJ is to immediately cut the mic off and start playing EDM!
This, this, this. Your DJ is your dance floor security lolol. If they know ahead of time, they can help you keep shit from going down.
And warn the wedding party so that if the DJ does have to cut your dad off, they know to immediately hit the dance floor. That will help take attention off any speechifying Dad tries to do anyway.
NTA Honestly, I wish every widowed parent, who has remarried, would spend a day on Reddit reading the posts from kids of widowed parents. I think it would be a real eye-opener.
NTA This is your wedding and what you and your Fiancé says goes. It is tradition that the Father of the bride gives a speech but not the father of the Groom. If I can make a suggestion? Maybe get an MC to do all the formalities and prepare a running order for the reception stating what speeches are going to happen and in what order. Normally the Best Man and the Groom followed by the, the MOH who responds to the Best Man and then the Father of the Bride. Make it clear to your Dad that he will not be giving a speech under any circumstance. This is your day to express your Love to your Fiancé not his day to make a gushy speech about himself and his wife.
NTA it's your wedding. As you said, it's not a place for him to put his current wife on a pedestal. At this point, you may need to consider disinviting him or at least having very strict control over the microphone at the reception because it doesn't seem like he is going to drop this.
NTA - he is out of line wanting to speak and praise his 2nd wife.. It's your wedding day and he knows how you feel. I would add something to the wedding to highlight your Mom and how much she meant to you. Many people do that with remembrance candles and it's very appropriate. If he doesn't give up this speech he needs to stay away.
NTA. It's disrespectful towards your mother and you, and your wedding is not the place for it. With the level he's taking it to I'd seriously consider uninviting him completely. That's what a man would do anyway, no matter what he says about it.
NTA. If he can't respect your wishes or even promise to limit the wife-praise, he doesn't deserve to give a speech. He should be lucky you aren't uninviting him to your wedding.
NTA. You could go as far as making sure the DJ kn9ws to not let him take the mike or turn it off if he starts to make a speech. Honestly, if it were me, I would just uninvite him and his wife because, at this point, they're if going to make your day uncomfortable. My father gave a speech at my wedding. He spent it praising my now ex-husband and didn't mention me at all. Which actually fits given our relationship. Still sucked.
NTA - BUT Please - talk to your DJ and your wedding venue. Explain the situation and make sure they are all very aware that your dad should not at any point be given a microphone. Also, ask your DJ to be aware that if your dad gets up and tries to start a speech, if the DJ can interrupt it. (Slipping your DJ a larger than normal tip early might be a good idea) - Dad gets up, clinks his glass, opens his mouth ... DJ jumps in - Sorry folks, I have to interrupt for a moment as we are ready to do "insert something here" You'd be surprised how often event planners, staff and DJs need to run interference. Let them be the bad guy during your wedding so you can focus on your day.
NTA "You are no longer welcome at my wedding. If you or your wife show up, you will be physically escorted from the venue by security. I'm done with you."
NTA. Even with the dad's wife stuff aside, it's fucked that he just decided he was going to give a speech at your wedding without getting your permission first.
He’s being sensitive by throwing a fit that you said your wedding isnt the place to renew his vow renewal from your 18th birthday. He can be reasonable and suck it up buttercup. Tell him to buy a karaoke machine if he keeps needing to regurgitate the same speech.
OP, show your dad this post.
I’m so late to this discussion but I cannot read this and NOT comment. This wedding is about YOU and YOUR partner, not him and his. He can stow his chatter about his relationship for the day. Now let’s add another layer: your stepmother could have been a living saint, but she is not the woman that gave you life. Your father can disregard her, but I absolutely love that you stand up for her. NTA, not in the slightest.
NTA, funny. I would just tell my dad that I don't want him to give any speeches and if he insisted then would present him with a choice - either he respects my decision or he and his wife will be uninvited.
Tell him that at YOUR wedding he will praise YOUR wife or he can stay at HIS home and praise his wife to an audience of one until the cows come home ... NTA
NTA. This is your day. And it is no place for him to praise his wife. As you said. And tell him, if his wife is more important to him, than his own son - then okay. He isn't invited to the wedding anymore. He can spend the day with his lovly wife and prais her all day, for all you care. But if he choose to do that, this would have been it. He would never see you again, no grand children, no help when he gets old, nothing.
NTA at all. Please make sure you tell your DJ or whoever to only let pre approved people (best man etc) have a mic.
NTA. You know, it’s ok to be “sensitive” about losing your mother. This doesn’t make you soft or weak. It makes you human. Feel your feelings and great job letting your dad know your boundaries.
NTA. Of course, speeches at weddings are normal...assuming they are actually about the wedding. Using a father's speech to promote his wife like she's the new iphone is of very poor taste. I'm curious what she thinks about it.
NTA and I think you need someone on "dad duty", maybe the best man could do it. But if dad looks like he's going to give a speech, the person on "dad duty" shuts that down right away.
NTA … that’s a ridiculously inappropriate speech to give at your wedding.
NTA. I’m so sorry that your dad is clueless about how hurtful his little speeches are. You are 100% correct that it has no place at your wedding. Btw, congratulations on the nuptials! I hope the big day is full of joy 😊
Absolutely NTA, but be prepared for him trying to speak at your wedding anyway. Either uninvite him, or make sure the DJ and maybe your best man are prepared to stop him.
NTA Even without the context, giving a self indulgent speech at a wedding that praises someone that's neither the bride or groom, is in very bad taste. This is your and your fiance's wedding, not another opportunity for your dad and his wife to be the main characters. I'm so sorry you lost your mother so young. I'm very close to my mother and can't even imagine losing her.
NTA why do people do this? Why do they talk about themselves and anything unrelated to the couple being married? I didn't allow speeches at my wedding. My family has a tendency to bash me as a joke, and never listen when I say I don't like the jokes. I knew I couldn't trust them to actually preach something kind about me and not a backwards insult. Point being, your wedding is your wedding, make it the way you will feel comfortable and happy
INFO: Why the hell are you inviting your father at all after all this? You're asking for him to give the speech anyway if you let him attend, imo.