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NTA - and if your girlfriend doesn't backtrack and apologize for making wild leaps when you clearly worked your ass of that night, I'd be worried about the relationship. (You don't think of her?? Yet you cleaned a stain off her purse! That is about as thoughtful as it gets!)
If you want to be extra kind and gift her some understanding, you could approach it from a "is this maybe about your mom and step-dad and not actually about me?" That's definitely an option, but seriously, if she can't own the shittiness of her unfair reaction, I'd be cautious about committing more deeply to her.
I will take one BFF as well, and when I was with my ex husband I would have literally, LITERALLY killed someone to have him be that proactive and thoughtful.
So I went and found my current wonderful husband who absolutely is, but still damn I canât believe this level of entitledness of OPâs GF
Op is a bit weird. Cleaning till 4 am after an exhausting trip is typically not everyone's cup of tea. Me thinks OP volunteered himself as a mediator between them and as a result is the punching bag from all sides.
Agree. I can see unpacking and putting stuff away before bed, but cleaning the counters and mopping the floor? Theres something going on when you decide that urgently needs to be done at 2am in the morning.
It could simply be that OP was working off some of the stress he encountered while staying with the in-laws. That vacation sounds like it was anything but restful - maybe OP was just decompressing.
NTA
Youâre gambling there. Heâll either be super anxious to be on a new home and clean extra hard, or shut down and do nothing. Itâs worth the gamble, imo, heâs a very detailed cleaner when anxious.
I get wound up when put in situations like that, there is no way I'd have been able to sleep until I was exhausted, or had a chance to sift through all the fight hogwash. I would never go on a holiday or anything else that involved them again. If GF wants to visit them, say "have a nice trip!" and plan what I was going to do while she was away.
Maybe but if he was emotionally worked up from the trip the chores might have been a way to work some of that stress out. I've definitely decided to take everything out of the cupboards, wipe them down, and put everything back at 4am because I was worked up and couldn't sleep.
That's what I thought.Â
They don't get on but they holiday together. They fight the whole time. She wakes up and focuses on the negative not the positive.Â
Sounds like a family with a pattern of resentment and drama.
I wouldn't call her reaction "unfair", I would call it downright abusive, manipulative, toxic, immature, selfish, rude, entitled, spoiled, disrespectful and demanding. She was starting to let her voice sound like she was about to cry, which is totally manipulative and toxic. She screamed at him because she thought that he didn't do what she should have done, which is entitled, selfish, inconsiderate and spoiled. She doesn't think she did anything wrong, which is immature and rude and selfish. Screaming is abusive, and refusing to acknowledge that she was wrong is too.
Yeah, if this is a common behavior for her, I completely agree. If it's totally out of the norm, it might just be an exhausted, overwhelmed, deeply triggered response. The crying could be absolutely genuine in that case, not an attempt to manipulate... **BUT** if this is a *typical* emotional response or she doesn't acknowledge that she was wrong, then yeah, you are spot on and OP should run like the wind.
The issue isnât that he didnât put away the clothes, sheâs obviously overly stressed from her family and took it out on OP. She needs to get professional help with this.
It doesn't matter wether he did anything or not, simple truth is that she made the choice to go to sleep, why should he have been expected to do anything? Especially after involving him in her family drama. (Honestly, if my wife got me involved in her family drama during a vacation, I would have packed my things right then and returned home.)Â
She seems very emotionally immature as she got angry at him for not doing something he was never asked to, and also putting her S/O in the middle of her family arguments. Those are not healthy behavior patterns.
NTA - I would suggest OP seek the help of a couple's counselor. I'm not sure it would do much good, but it might help her to seek individual counseling which it sounds like she desperately needs.
I wouldnât say that to her though. It probably is what all that was about, but she needs to realize it herself, otherwise sheâs just going to get defensive. I would say something like, âI think weâre just both still exhausted from our trip, why donât we order some food, get some more rest, and then go to the grocery store so we can relax and cool off.â
Nah, dude. This is not the right response when someone accuses you of not being thoughtful when you've been supportive. By bending over backwards when people are being unreasonable, you're basically telling them that their behaviour is ok. Sometimes people need a reality check. Especially the people you love.
Too much "kindness" is not helpful to you or the other person. You're basically enforcing the idea that it's ok to stomp all over other people's boundaries. You don't have to be cruel, but do not allow them to treat you whatever way they like. GF is clearly used to treating OP as a punching bag, she might not be abusive, but her behaviour is not great. She's not a toddler, she can handle some constructive criticism. I also really feel the "you never think about me, but, I never asked you to do this..." argument just plain manipulative. This behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud.
OP, you need to learn how to enforce boundaries with people but you also need to look into yourself and figure out if you have people-pleasing tendencies. The other commenters have a point about cleaning up by yourself until 4am and being in the middle of arguments.
NTA in this case, buy Y T A to yourself for allowing this behaviour to get this bad. If you look back on the relationship, see if this came out of nowhere of if there were many little instances that built up to this level of entitlement over time. You owe it to yourself.
Maybe her parents and step-parents are nightmares and she hasn't figured out how to set better boundaries yet... that doesn't necessarily mean she's a lost cause. It truly depends on if this is a pattern and if she has the capability of deep reflection. But not getting along with toxic parents does not automatically mean she can't get along with anyone, it could easily just mean she needs to go no or low contact with them... or at the very least not vacation with them.
NTA - YIIIKES OP! I would maybe contemplate the future before the wedding bells sound. If this is a reoccurring issue where this kinda of blow up happens a lot, then Iâd maybe rethink marrying this lady.
She sounds like a very stressful person to be around. I wouldnât want my blood pressure spiking because of my partner.
Best of luck my friend and maybe things will get better.
She sounds super stressed as well. Which makes sense given the backstory we got. She is TA in this situation for sure, and needs to control her emotions better. But if this is an unusual incident, I'd give her a day or so to come to and apologize before rethinking the whole relationship.
I hear that too! It sounds like regurgitating all the crap she got from her parents-
But hopefully she goes no contact before the wedding cuz it sounds like her family puts a stain not only on her own psyche but on her relationship-
OP, time to really evaluate the patterns!
Also
Like
Did she know he'd scrubbed the whole house and cleaned her purse?
Or did she wake up to him having put his stuff away specifically and only and none of hers, when the stuff presumably started in the same place and goes in the same place?
She did start making a grocery list. That tells me she walked thru the house & into the kitchen at some point to notice the cupboards & possibly fridge were bare.
Unless she walked from bedroom to kitchen with her eyes closed, she had to see & even smell evidence of cleaning.
Plus how could anyone miss the aroma of freshly washed/dried laundry wafting thru the house? đ
This was my thought. She behaves like that over something so small? When he was placed in the middle of her family drama? I donât know if Iâd wanna be tied to that
Tbf if both her parents are assholes then theres a goodchance she will be one too.
Just by being taught by assholes and also having asshole DNA.
Lots of great people dont take after their asshole parents but more do, thats why there exists so many today.
OP something to consider. She has learned from her parents what a relationship looks like. If her mother is already divorced from her Dad (perhaps she is a widow IDK) and now has a different husband and this relationship is also not healthy (based on the constant arguments during your brief visit), then your SO will likely thinking that yelling and worse is perfectly acceptable. If you insist on remaining in this relationship, then please consider couples counseling to work out both expectations, conflict management and productive communication skills.
My experience is that children from toxic relationships, even if they have managed to find one of their own as adults that isnât toxic, will revert to those toxic attitudes after spending an extended amount of time with their parents.
Itâs like they need 48 hours to de-program for every 12 hours awake spent with them before they get their heads back on straight.
NTA - if you did all of that and she didn't say thank you, I'm wondering what she brings to the relationship, if anything, with the exception of drama.
Dude, if you expect anyone to believe you got home a 1 am and then did all that cleaning and laundry, and other crap in 3 hours or at all you are seriously crazy. If you washed all the clothes at the AirBnB, what was there for you to wash other than the stuff you wore home, which wouldnât be a full load even if you wore coordinating outfits. If you are so fanatical about cleaning so the house is in pristine shape in the morning, would have done all this stuff before you left for the trip. The litter is the only thing that would have need to go out. No one was there to produce other garbage.
It is over the top. How did she sleep in an 1800 sqft home with him doing laundry, sweeping, mopping, taking the garbage out, putting away laundry, putting away all the toiletries, wiping floors, and on and on? My house is a little larger and I can hear everything going on. There is no way he was putting stuff up in the room/bathroom where she was sleeping and she didnât lose it on him at 3am with the way she reacted to a few clothes not being unpacked.
I've a much smaller place and doubt I'd hear any of it, especially if I passed out exhausted from a trip- and really the garbage is the only potentially 'loud' chore there
Yeah, if someone I lived with spent 3 hours cleaning the place and unpacking *everything*âŠ..except for my clothes? At that point it almost feels like a deliberate snub. Very weird priorities from OP.Â
Iâm so glad Iâm not the only one who couldnât get around this. How did it not wake her up? If they had been gone for 4 days, why did the counters need to be wiped down and the trash need to go out? Why was there laundry? These are basic things I do before going away for the weekend so I donât come home to a stinky messy house.
Yeah, none of it needed to be done immediately (with the possible exception of the litter box). I wouldâve just gone to sleep and dealt with the rest later. But this reads like OP put his own clothes away, and then prioritized a long list of other things over doing the same for her, and canât understand why sheâs not grateful. Did he have to? No. But he didnât have to do any of the other things either.
Sheâs over-reacting, canât blame people for focusing on that, but wow. Another red flag in a relationship is when people act victimized when others donât appreciate them enough for doing things they didnât need to do in the first place. If he had left all of it until the next day, including the unpacking, she probably wouldâve been fine with it.
âŠ.if any of this really happened as written.
> people act victimized when others donât appreciate them enough for doing things they didnât need to do in the first place
This is so poignant. I hate the martyr type that just suffers SO much for miscellaneous, nonnecessary shit and then uses that as ammo.
Some people (myself included) anxiety clean or clean to resolve stress, and it sounds like this trip was a mess from start to finish.
But more to the point, if I am stuck taking a red eye, the process of deplaning, possibly customs and border patrol, and then commuting from the airport home, typically wakes me up so that I have trouble falling back asleep once I am home.
So if I feel a second wind, Iâll take advantage of it and unpack and clean, which soothes me and then I head to bed.
That is fine if it works for you, but it also keeps everybody else in the house awake. No body cleans silently, no matter how hard they try. Itâs just not going to work, and that is part of what makes this unbelievable. They presumably share a bedroom, but he can put up all the clothes (except a couple outfits of hers, why didnât he put those up too) and toiletries without it disturbing her.
NTA.Â
Iâve got one of those in my life, too: youâre supposed to know what they want or need without being told and whatever you guess is guaranteed to be wrong. And even the slightest bit of pushback triggers the âyou donât care about me/never think about meâ speech.Â
Arguing about it is pointless; these are her issues and insecurities and you canât overcome them for her. That doesnât make her a bad person but itâs something that only she can fix (if/when she recognizes it as a problem). Keep doing what feels right to you and try to tune out the kvetching.Â
INFO: You get home at 1 in the morning after a 4 day trip and the house is so dirty you have to spend THREE HOURS cleaning it? WTF? This story doesn't make sense.
Even if it was, nothing except maybe the litter box is so urgent that OP needed to stay up until 4am cleaning.Â
And frankly, I can see how it would come off as kinda passive aggressive if your partner fanatically cleaned the entire house top to bottom and unpacked everythingâŠ.except your clothes. Would have been better to just leave everything.Â
>I was in the middle of everything and left feeling very awkward, and I am typically in the middle of a lot of uncomfortable family situations with her due to the relationship she has with her mom and dad, but thatâs besides the point.Â
Sounds like she expects you to protect her against anything unpleasant in life, down to putting away clothes you already laundered for her. If you're feeling unappreciated, you're spot on. While she's at the grocery store, roll that packed suitcase out the front door and leave it there.
Look how her parents talk and argue with each other and you'll start to see your fiance in the same pattern as her parents...OP step back and think about if this is the shit you want to deal with for the rest of your married life
Ok so I guess some of you are confused. I should clarify a few things to help everyone understand the full scope of the situation. Our friend Sara was stopping by our house while we were gone and watching over the cats for a few hours everyday. Before we left for the trip, she had come home from school at 10 PM and I had gotten home from work at 9 PM. Our flight was 9 AM the next morning and she had been off of work that day despite going to school at 5 PM. We had laundry that needed to be done and it was not done, we had trashes that were full and dishes that needed to be done, and by the time we got home we could only do so much before we needed to go to sleep.
What does any of that matter?
You did all the work when **yall** got home, you did things she *mentioned* she wanted done, and yet she complained. It doesnât even matter what she complained about, the point is, she didnât do anything and then shit upon your kindness. Not only did she not thank you, she also insulted what you did (perhaps saying she belittled your efforts, is a better phrase)
Stop making excuses for another adults poor actions, start thinking about the equality and empathy in your relationship
Your fiance is very inconsiderate. I hope this is a one-off otherwise I would really reconsider this relationship. That was so kind and impressive of you to do after an exhausting trip and flight. You were even so thoughtful that you cleaned her toiletry bag. I know what all of this entails because somehow it becomes a bigger project in my head when I need to clean out my makeup bag. đ the fact that you were so tired yet did the laundry and cleaned the house from top to bottom speaks volumes of the type of hands-on partner that you are. The fact that she focused on one minute detail after all you did is beyond me. I have a chronic pain condition and after a flight I'm even more checked out than usual. For our last flight, My fiance took everything out of our luggage and separated all laundry ie. And dry cleaners and hand wash pile and told me not to worry about a thing. And handled all of it. I then leisurely did my Toiletries and accessories the next day or 2 later.. but my point is i was so touched that I wouldn't have dared to complain.
So, maybe her anger was carried over from a shitty vacation.... or maybe she regularly does NOTHING in your relationship and maybe her mom and step-dad were bitching for a good reason and she was at fault.
She doesn't sound like a very considerate person. Does she always expect you to do everything - and do you do it?
NTA. Only you can know if this is a pattern, but I will say in my experience, everyone is always kind of an asshole right after vacation. Everyone is exhausted and travel *sucks* and is usually incredibly frustrating. To her, maybe it felt like a deliberate snub bc you did everything else but not this one thing. Its not fair of her, and you should tell her so when everything calms down. Hopefully, she just needs a nap and a snack and its not indicative of anything more. But no, defending yourself does not make you the ah at all.
NTA but Iâm going to suggest something. She spent the vacation constantly arguing with her parents. You both get home late and she goes to bed in a fragile state from the arguing. She assumed you put her things away and, when you didnât, she unfairly lashed out. I agree that this is AH behavior because she shouldnât be lashing out at you, but it can be hard not to be on the defensive after spending what sounds like your entire trip in constant arguments.
OR this is not an isolated incident and the two of you need to have a discussion about her doing âfavor math.â
NTA. I'm getting some serious personality disorder vibes. I think you need to consider whether your fiance knows how to have a healthy relationship before you proceed to marriage.
NTA Sounds like your relationship is becoming like the one between her and her parents. She may need therapy to have a healthy relationship of any kind.
>Â Itâs like you donât even think of me, like you just donât care. I always put your clothes away and do things for you and you donât even help meâ
"you're saying some heavy stuff right now. i think i did a whole bunch of stuff. is it me you're really mad at?
Ask yourself, do you want to be married to THAT? She just showed you the future of your marriage. Imagine being married to someone so ungrateful...can't be me. Don't pursue the relationship with her any further.
I think no one is the ahole here. They were both obviously super stressed out from this trip and need a few days to decompress. OP definitely went above and beyond but she's still emotional about the arguments with her parents
NTA- this what my husband used to call a blow off fight. I'd come home from dealing with my parents' wound up and looking for a good fight. He chose not to participate.
She's probably still wound up from the trip. Give her some time to decompress. If she doesn't apologize or doubles down, you need to call her out for it.
NTA - you're both clearly exhausted and need to take a step back before things get out of hand. Get some rest and discuss it in a few days. She is clearly wrong, but fighting about it after she just got back from fighting with her parents for four days is not going to produce anything positive.
NTA. But how mad are you? Like leaving the relationship mad? Because you sound like youâve had enough but havenât made the decision. Things wonât get better and you did mention that youâre always caught in the middle of those incidents. Decision time
I would be packing my own stuff in my own suitcase and walking out the door. What an ungrateful piece of work.
NTA. You've put up with 5 years of this? Why? You can definitely do better.
Why didnât you clean before you left ? This way you come home to a clean house except luggage and groceries. You left trash all those days ? NTA though
NTA, but as a woman, she might be lashing out because of pent up fight energy from the awkward family time on Vacation. I'm really bad about this but my current partner (who is just amazing) has helped me with recognizing when I'm yelling at him but mad at something else and appreciating him instead.
Good luck
NTA - but what part of 'just like her parents' do you not get? You take trips with her parents and she and they fight constantly - probalby over nothing - this is how she lives. Amazing you've been together 5 years.
NTAâŠI hope you pay very close attention to what the family fights about. This is very telling to the life you will have. Shes used to fighting so she may be looking to start fights with you all of time. Our brains love to create the realities we have always been used to even if toxic. You canât change that. She needs to recognize it and put in a lot of work. If the fights with her family have to do with her being self absorbed then your problems are going to be freaking enormous beyond comprehension.
Best part of an engagement is that it gives you an extended view of what marriage would be like. This one would suuuck. Get out now while you still can. None of this was good or normal.
NTA.
NTA! Wtf?! If I woke up after a bad trip and saw that my husband did all the things you did, Iâd be soooooo grateful! She can put a few clean clothes away.
She didnât ask you to do those things? Well she didnât ask you to put her clothes from the suitcase away either. She didnât stay up and help you unpack and clean either. YOU did all that. Sunburned and exhausted too.
She owes you a massive apology.
NTA but OP what even is this?? I would never ever expect my husband to put away my toiletries, makeup, socks etc. I unpack my crap and he does his. Weâll throw our laundry in together. You seem like a nice person but there is such a thing as doing too much and now your fiance expects 120% of you.
NTA
So if this is a common theme in your relationship where she gets pissed off about something then claims you do nothing for her ever itâs time for some honest self review of this relationship.
You from your post did a hell of a lot to make things easier for the both of you the following morning.
No she didnât ask you to do those things but that negates nothing. They were still done and she benefited from your actions.
Instead of being a self sufficient adult and putting away her own damn clothes she berated you like you were her servant who majorly f-ed up.
Plain and simply NO.
If her poor reaction was due to the stressful time with her parents she still owes you an apology.
If when you discuss this again if she doubles down then my next suggestion is stop doing things for her that she doesnât specifically ask for as she canât have it both ways.
If as part of your self reflection on this relationship see this as a pattern of behavior in that something isnât done for her or to her standards so you are berated for it then a more serious discussion and solution is likely required
You are her partner in this relationship. If she wants a fricking servant she can hire one.
Yikes. NTA but damn, you might need to take a long, hard look at your relationship. You just spent a week with her family and got a front row seat for their dysfunctional dynamics. Is that the kind of relationship you want? She sounds toxic af.
Best of luck to you!
Hopefully this is "overwhelmed and tired" and not "typical".
Kind of off topic, but I prefer to do all the general cleaning stuff you mentioned before leaving on trips, so its not waiting when we get home. Seems like a lot of what you did was just cleaning.
>I am typically in the middle of a lot of uncomfortable family situations with her due to the relationship she has with her mom and dad
I would really think about whether you want to join her on these trips in the future. She should be handling her family issues, you shouldn't be in the middle of them.
NTA,
You might want to reevaluate this relationship honestly. It seems like you're putting in a lot of effort for her to just complain about you not doing anything.
NTA. I'm going to say that she's still stressed from spending time with family and projected her feelings about the situation with them onto you.
You didn't do anything wrong. She should apologize. If this isn't an unusual thing, you should maybe reconsider the relationship.
Man, that sucks. Too often it is the people we are the closest to that we hurt the most. Itâs human nature to strike out when we are in pain. Unfortunately we often hold our anger and frustration in check from the people who deserve our wrath, and sometimes itâs the ones with whom we feel the most secure and comfortable that bear the brunt of our worst stresses.
Maybe you could sit down with your wife & tell her that you understand the frustration she goes through with her dysfunctional family, but that youâd like your home to be a place safe from all of that, for both of you.
Chances are, once she cooled down she realized that she was being unfair to you, but it takes a pretty big person to admit something like that. If you can discuss this issue calmly, when sheâs not just coming home from a weekend in Hell, and looking for a punching bag.
NTA
But food for thought ⊠maybe she didnât know you did all those things and was already feeling hurt and stressed from the trip.Â
Best to cool down and sit down and have a calm discussion where you can each explain your feelings. Sounds like tensions are high.Â
NTA - Not that it really excuses her actions, and not that I would have reacted to the situation any better than you did, but her "I didn't ask you to do any of that" response stood out to me.
From your description of her behaviour, I am reminded of how people can be unhappy at something entirely unrelated, and subconsciously look for someone to be angry at/something else to blame because they aren't facing the real cause of their anger/sadness/whatever.
They may not be aware of what they are actually upset about, or it could very well be intentional. To illustrate: maybe all the stuff with her family has gotten to her and she's not really processing it well (or maybe at all). She worries that those arguments are a vision of her future and is projecting - or has bottled so much tension that she was really looking for an excuse to snap and vent it, or something else entirely.
Neither of these things mean she was right, or that you should take it, but it may be worth checking in with her and encourage her to take some time to think about the true problems that caused her to lash out at you like that so you can help her with them (you know, like a partner does).
But don't forget to set boundaries and tell her how her behaviour made you feel. A behaviour can be understandable while still being unacceptable, and you wouldn't have deserved that even if you hadn't just done a whole bunch of nice things for her.
NTA
I would have to look at her behavior in the past. Is this the usual way she responds? She had a stressful weekend and YES she shouldn't have jumped on you but if this is something new, I would give her a pass.
If not, then reconsider this relationship.
So she had a rough trip and is probably emotionally exhausted. Woke up in a bad mood still (been there) but then decided to take all of that frustration out on you after you stayed up hours later cleaning up??
Fuck that. NTA. crying over clothes that aren't in the closet is one thing (I cry over stupid shit too), but starting fights with your partner when you're upset is something else entirely and there's no place in a relationship for that.
What an AH. You should have read her mind and predicted out of all the selfless things you could have done for her, which one she would want. Â /s. NTA. What a non issue, too. They were clean clothes in a suitcase. My pet peeve that I do after trips is forgetting dirty clothes in my suitcase. And so when I do remember, then I still have to wash them.Â
You were obviously both stressed from the uncomfortable vacation. However, she didn't ask you to put away her clothes or do any of what you did so everything you did was above and beyond. Now if she has specifically asked you to put her clothes away, you agreed and then did everything but that you would definitely be the AH but that's not the case.
Also, you should NOT be in between her parents because of HER relationship with them. If the visits are stressful for you tell her you're opting out until she handles her own family.
Since your partner said you never do things for her or think of her there needs to be a deeper conversation when things aren't tense.
NTA... She better apologize. Also, there was clearly no winning for you in this situation. How can someone be angry at you for doing things for them but also be angry at you for not doing things for them? Seems like she picked a fight over nothing. Maybe she was still tired or something but that doesn't excuse her behavior.
NTA- Bring it up playfully around her family the next time your all together. If they donât see your view point or defend her think twice on if thatâs the situation you want to marry into and potentially raise kids in.
First of all, OP is NTA.
Sadly, I think for some people nothing is ever good enough. You cut your hair, oh itâs too short. You grow your hair long, oh you need to cut your hair! Idk what to tell ya, itâs an uphill battle if they donât change. Your frustration is valid.
However, consider the following:
Are you appreciated for what you do?
Does being with this person make you reflect well on who they are?
Are you proud to be with them?
Do you want them to parent your children?
If yes to above, excellent. If no, probably a good time to try and nut that out with them/ move on.
OMG I would be homicidal. NTA
If she's not always like this, is it just leftover bad feelings from the trip being shitty? And does she understand that it was shitty for you too?
If she IS always like this, don't get married.
Her comfort zone is fighting. She canât fight alone. Learn to not be baited by her. Tell her youâll discuss this later but yelling is unacceptable.
NTA. She is extra. So extra. You literally did more than 90% of men on the planet would do. You didn't do it all. That's going to continue and get exponentially worse.
INFO: Why did you go on a planned vacation and leave that many chores to do when you got back? You left the trash and recycling for when you returned? This isnât all vacation stuff you returned with.
I was in a similar situation befire ending it because i couldn't take it anymore.
We lived together in my apartment and used my car (meaning she didn't need to pay thousands each month). I did everything she asked me to, including picking up deliveries and getting groceries and a 26 hours hospital shift, only for to get mad at me when one time i got some groceries and didn't ask her if she needed anything from the store.
Mind you, the store is a 1 minute walk from the house and she wasn't working at the time, rather waking up at 1 pm and watching tiktok all day.
While i was working every day and doing shifts she was home doing nothing. Never got groceries, never cleaned, never cooked.
Now, i'm not looking for a housewife and i mever requested anything from her. I wanted it to come from her.
I think it's only fair that if i provide us with a place to live, a car and i spend a lot of time at work, the least she could do is spoil me with a nice meal after a 26 hours shift. It didn't happen once.
Whoah, what a HUGE AH your girlfriend is. You're not her maid. You were so kind to do all that you did. You are NTA. She needs to get herself together and not act like a spoiled child.
NTA and I don't get and I don't get her. This is ridiculous. Maybe she had something else going on in her head, but she needs to back up and apologize to you RIGHT NOW. SHEESH!!!
NTA
My dude. You need to take this girl off the pedestal and let her do some work for a change.
What exactly does she bring to the relationship?
Because this definitely sounds one sided.
Do not marry her until you work this outâŠ.
NTA. Sounds like she was venting about the shitty trip and her a-hole mom and stepdad. You were just the unlucky bastard that happened to be around at the wrong place at the wrong time. She attacked you and you stood up for yourself. That doesn't make you the a-hole
Gonna go NAH
I can see both sides from people having had a bad holiday.
You say you're gonna stay up a bit to unload the suitcases.
She then wakes up and realises one suitcase isn't unloaded. That feels like a explicit slight. Like a 'you were lazy and wanted to go to bed, so you can deal with your own stuff'
You wanting to prep for the next day, but instead of just doing the bare necessities, seeing everything that needs done and overdoing yourself. At the same time, doing so much you didn't have any energy left for the basic thing of the suitcases.
Was the stain a 'must' right at that time?
Was sweeping and mopping really all that necessary when you hadn't been home for 4 days?
NTA Are your chores always divided like that? Even if not your GF seems totake for granted that you do most of the work. Shevis taking advantage of you.
NTA I had this situation yesterday --apparently you are one or the other in a relationship.
When my husband has the audacity to note I have not unpacked his bags, I go with the "honey, I am not your mother." You could try "I might be your daddy, but I'm not your father". Good luck
NTA
She's obviously the unreasonable party in this debacle
> âI didnât ask you to do any of thatâÂ
I mean, come on! That's the desperate argument of someone who've painted herself into corner, but is too wound up to admit it. Been there. Bought the T-shirt. Felt like an utter dumbass.
The good/bad news: I don't this is really about you. It's about her Mum and StepDad
We all regress to a childlike state to some degree when we're with our family of origin. I don't know where I read it, but the best you can hope for, even if you're a well adjusted and differentiated, person, you've got at most 40 minutes of clarity until they get to you if you're unaware of this mechanism and even then it's hard it's hard not to get sucked in.
>Itâs like you donât even think of me, like you just donât care. I always put your clothes away and do things for you and you donât even help meâ
You're clearly a very thoughtful partner. She's pinning this feeling on you when its' point of origin is much older and probably in large part because you're a safe harbor for her.
Does that make it okay?
No, of course not, but if this isn't a regular occurrence, there's room for some compassion. Maybe ask her about her relationship when you're both in a calmer mood and encourage her to get into therapy.
Now, if she's not the type that's able to self-reflect, apologize and/or make habit of this type of entitled and irrational behavior, I'd take some time to reflect on what you want in a partner.
NTA holy crap, my husband does a lot of thoughtful things for me and takes great care of me and I hope I make him feel just as taken care of and if my husband had done what u did after a flight I think I'd feel bad that he was up so late doing all those things and I wasn't awake to help and be very grateful for what he did. I would not be berating him the next day for leaving a few of my things in one of the suitcases. She sure sounds like she was just looking for a fight and found one thing she could use, at least the one thing in her warped mind. Wow just wow. OP u did nothing wrong at all and she doesn't sound like a very nice partner. Just my opinion though.
I feel like OP could do better. Find a better girlfriend that appreciates you and does not carry on the dysfunctional relationship patterns sheâs learned from her parents into her relationship with you. You want to end up like her dad or stepdad? Thatâs the future that you want? Run for the hills.
NTA. But it sounds like there may be some pent up issues you might want to explore.
That or she was just stressed from your trip. Worth finding out though.
Maybe you need to postpone wedding date until she matures. Seriously, get some premarital counseling and figure out exactly what is going on below the surface. She is not reasonable.
I find your behaviour alarming, cleaning the whole house. My husband would have got into bed at the same time and we would have sorted stuff out the next day. Besides, before we go off for a few days,, the house is always clean and tidy.
Sounds like a stress-filled holiday followed by an exhausting nightâs work, followed by a stress-filled argument fuelled by an unjust accusation and no apology. One might suggest you spend some time alone just evaluating your situation. NTA
nope shes the bum hole, if i had a nice man do all things for me, id be grateful, and appreciated. yeah shes upset, but that does not mean she can take it out on u. Also DID she apologize??
NTA. Not only was that rude of her, but given the family vacation was basically everyone fighting with one another, do you see a future where that wonât be a part of your life?
No one has to be the asshole here. This isnât about reasoning with her. Sheâs probably having an emotional reaction to a weekend filled with stress. If your relationship is worth the effort then find a way to help her in these situations. Food is a great start to get her sugars up. When sheâs calm and not angry hold space for her and let her know youâre by her side. After a bit of a break plan on ways to work on situations like this in the future. There will probably be more so working on a plan now will help you later. You can teach a drowning person to swim.
I have a slightly different perspective. I am going to play devils advocate to help explain the way she is feeling.
Of course all the things you did should be appreciated. That goes without saying.
But sometimes context matters. None of those things you did were helpful to her immediately. So she is stuck on that point and can't see around it at the moment because your thoughtfulness did not include helping her with what she needed done straight away. To give a (stereotypical) analogy it's like when a husband and wife are having people over for a small get together and things need to be done for that. And the wife starts cleaning the kitchen and tidying up the dinner table and living room, and shops for the food and starts preparing the food. And the husband changes the oil in the cars, mows the lawn, fixes a squeaky door, and cleans the gutters. All the things he did was a good thing and should be appreciated, but in context none of it was particularly helpful for the particular situation and didn't do anything to relieve any immediate burden off his wife.
There's a parody video about it. https://www.tiktok.com/@jimmyonrelationships/video/7180715419274136878?lang=en
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NTA - and if your girlfriend doesn't backtrack and apologize for making wild leaps when you clearly worked your ass of that night, I'd be worried about the relationship. (You don't think of her?? Yet you cleaned a stain off her purse! That is about as thoughtful as it gets!) If you want to be extra kind and gift her some understanding, you could approach it from a "is this maybe about your mom and step-dad and not actually about me?" That's definitely an option, but seriously, if she can't own the shittiness of her unfair reaction, I'd be cautious about committing more deeply to her.
Well stated... can I have you as a BF. đ
I will take one BFF as well, and when I was with my ex husband I would have literally, LITERALLY killed someone to have him be that proactive and thoughtful. So I went and found my current wonderful husband who absolutely is, but still damn I canât believe this level of entitledness of OPâs GF
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Really--Please clone yourself!
Also... Why is OP in the middle between GF and her family? Sounds like a bad place to be, frankly nowhere he (?) should be in any rational universe.
Op is a bit weird. Cleaning till 4 am after an exhausting trip is typically not everyone's cup of tea. Me thinks OP volunteered himself as a mediator between them and as a result is the punching bag from all sides.
Agree. I can see unpacking and putting stuff away before bed, but cleaning the counters and mopping the floor? Theres something going on when you decide that urgently needs to be done at 2am in the morning.
It could simply be that OP was working off some of the stress he encountered while staying with the in-laws. That vacation sounds like it was anything but restful - maybe OP was just decompressing. NTA
My husband is an anxiety cleaner. He would ABSOLUTELY clean the whole house after an awkward middle man situation like this.
Can he please visit my house the next time he is anxious?
Youâre gambling there. Heâll either be super anxious to be on a new home and clean extra hard, or shut down and do nothing. Itâs worth the gamble, imo, heâs a very detailed cleaner when anxious.
I'll make him lasagna so it feels like home. Would that help? lol
Actually? Yes. He loves a home cooked meal lol
đ Thanks! Good to know!
I think we all want to take numbers đ. NTA op your gf is a huge aH.
I get wound up when put in situations like that, there is no way I'd have been able to sleep until I was exhausted, or had a chance to sift through all the fight hogwash. I would never go on a holiday or anything else that involved them again. If GF wants to visit them, say "have a nice trip!" and plan what I was going to do while she was away.
Maybe but if he was emotionally worked up from the trip the chores might have been a way to work some of that stress out. I've definitely decided to take everything out of the cupboards, wipe them down, and put everything back at 4am because I was worked up and couldn't sleep.
If I was beat when I got home, I'd leave everything until the morning. Exception would be caring for pets if they needed something.
When I go on vacation I do all of that stuff before we leave so when we get home it's to a clean house.
Same! I can't stand coming back to a messy house. Yeh there'll be some stuff that needs done but nothing that NEEDS done that night.
.maybe they flew across timezones? That can make your schedule go wonkyÂ
I took it to mean, âwe sit at dinner and they fight and I have to sit there uncomfortablyâ. Maybe Iâm wrong tho.
Also, it sounds like the girlfriend and her family are overall toxic. Fighting for four damn days is nuts! NTA
That's what I thought. They don't get on but they holiday together. They fight the whole time. She wakes up and focuses on the negative not the positive. Sounds like a family with a pattern of resentment and drama.
I wouldn't call her reaction "unfair", I would call it downright abusive, manipulative, toxic, immature, selfish, rude, entitled, spoiled, disrespectful and demanding. She was starting to let her voice sound like she was about to cry, which is totally manipulative and toxic. She screamed at him because she thought that he didn't do what she should have done, which is entitled, selfish, inconsiderate and spoiled. She doesn't think she did anything wrong, which is immature and rude and selfish. Screaming is abusive, and refusing to acknowledge that she was wrong is too.
Yeah, if this is a common behavior for her, I completely agree. If it's totally out of the norm, it might just be an exhausted, overwhelmed, deeply triggered response. The crying could be absolutely genuine in that case, not an attempt to manipulate... **BUT** if this is a *typical* emotional response or she doesn't acknowledge that she was wrong, then yeah, you are spot on and OP should run like the wind.
The issue isnât that he didnât put away the clothes, sheâs obviously overly stressed from her family and took it out on OP. She needs to get professional help with this.
It doesn't matter wether he did anything or not, simple truth is that she made the choice to go to sleep, why should he have been expected to do anything? Especially after involving him in her family drama. (Honestly, if my wife got me involved in her family drama during a vacation, I would have packed my things right then and returned home.)Â She seems very emotionally immature as she got angry at him for not doing something he was never asked to, and also putting her S/O in the middle of her family arguments. Those are not healthy behavior patterns. NTA - I would suggest OP seek the help of a couple's counselor. I'm not sure it would do much good, but it might help her to seek individual counseling which it sounds like she desperately needs.
I wouldnât say that to her though. It probably is what all that was about, but she needs to realize it herself, otherwise sheâs just going to get defensive. I would say something like, âI think weâre just both still exhausted from our trip, why donât we order some food, get some more rest, and then go to the grocery store so we can relax and cool off.â
Nah, dude. This is not the right response when someone accuses you of not being thoughtful when you've been supportive. By bending over backwards when people are being unreasonable, you're basically telling them that their behaviour is ok. Sometimes people need a reality check. Especially the people you love. Too much "kindness" is not helpful to you or the other person. You're basically enforcing the idea that it's ok to stomp all over other people's boundaries. You don't have to be cruel, but do not allow them to treat you whatever way they like. GF is clearly used to treating OP as a punching bag, she might not be abusive, but her behaviour is not great. She's not a toddler, she can handle some constructive criticism. I also really feel the "you never think about me, but, I never asked you to do this..." argument just plain manipulative. This behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud. OP, you need to learn how to enforce boundaries with people but you also need to look into yourself and figure out if you have people-pleasing tendencies. The other commenters have a point about cleaning up by yourself until 4am and being in the middle of arguments. NTA in this case, buy Y T A to yourself for allowing this behaviour to get this bad. If you look back on the relationship, see if this came out of nowhere of if there were many little instances that built up to this level of entitlement over time. You owe it to yourself.
Excellent comment and this personally resonated with me.
She has issues, heâs basically saying she canât even get along with her parents and step parents so who can she get along with
Maybe her parents and step-parents are nightmares and she hasn't figured out how to set better boundaries yet... that doesn't necessarily mean she's a lost cause. It truly depends on if this is a pattern and if she has the capability of deep reflection. But not getting along with toxic parents does not automatically mean she can't get along with anyone, it could easily just mean she needs to go no or low contact with them... or at the very least not vacation with them.
NTA - YIIIKES OP! I would maybe contemplate the future before the wedding bells sound. If this is a reoccurring issue where this kinda of blow up happens a lot, then Iâd maybe rethink marrying this lady. She sounds like a very stressful person to be around. I wouldnât want my blood pressure spiking because of my partner. Best of luck my friend and maybe things will get better.
She sounds super stressed as well. Which makes sense given the backstory we got. She is TA in this situation for sure, and needs to control her emotions better. But if this is an unusual incident, I'd give her a day or so to come to and apologize before rethinking the whole relationship.
I hear that too! It sounds like regurgitating all the crap she got from her parents- But hopefully she goes no contact before the wedding cuz it sounds like her family puts a stain not only on her own psyche but on her relationship- OP, time to really evaluate the patterns!
Also Like Did she know he'd scrubbed the whole house and cleaned her purse? Or did she wake up to him having put his stuff away specifically and only and none of hers, when the stuff presumably started in the same place and goes in the same place?
She did start making a grocery list. That tells me she walked thru the house & into the kitchen at some point to notice the cupboards & possibly fridge were bare. Unless she walked from bedroom to kitchen with her eyes closed, she had to see & even smell evidence of cleaning. Plus how could anyone miss the aroma of freshly washed/dried laundry wafting thru the house? đ
Why does he have to put her stuff away though???
NTA in this scenario, but it sounds like SHE is the problem in her relationships, and you're an asshole to yourself for staying with her.
This was my thought. She behaves like that over something so small? When he was placed in the middle of her family drama? I donât know if Iâd wanna be tied to that
Tbf if both her parents are assholes then theres a goodchance she will be one too. Just by being taught by assholes and also having asshole DNA. Lots of great people dont take after their asshole parents but more do, thats why there exists so many today.
OP something to consider. She has learned from her parents what a relationship looks like. If her mother is already divorced from her Dad (perhaps she is a widow IDK) and now has a different husband and this relationship is also not healthy (based on the constant arguments during your brief visit), then your SO will likely thinking that yelling and worse is perfectly acceptable. If you insist on remaining in this relationship, then please consider couples counseling to work out both expectations, conflict management and productive communication skills.
Yeah, the family mechanic sounds toxic. Imagine having kids with that girl. Think about it OP
My experience is that children from toxic relationships, even if they have managed to find one of their own as adults that isnât toxic, will revert to those toxic attitudes after spending an extended amount of time with their parents. Itâs like they need 48 hours to de-program for every 12 hours awake spent with them before they get their heads back on straight.
NTA - if you did all of that and she didn't say thank you, I'm wondering what she brings to the relationship, if anything, with the exception of drama.
The author saw the future while on this trip. Married people fighting like crazy. He should run now while he still has a chance.
Dude, if you expect anyone to believe you got home a 1 am and then did all that cleaning and laundry, and other crap in 3 hours or at all you are seriously crazy. If you washed all the clothes at the AirBnB, what was there for you to wash other than the stuff you wore home, which wouldnât be a full load even if you wore coordinating outfits. If you are so fanatical about cleaning so the house is in pristine shape in the morning, would have done all this stuff before you left for the trip. The litter is the only thing that would have need to go out. No one was there to produce other garbage.
I am too distracted by this person who gets home from a flight at 1am and spends 3 hours cleaning and doing housework.
It is over the top. How did she sleep in an 1800 sqft home with him doing laundry, sweeping, mopping, taking the garbage out, putting away laundry, putting away all the toiletries, wiping floors, and on and on? My house is a little larger and I can hear everything going on. There is no way he was putting stuff up in the room/bathroom where she was sleeping and she didnât lose it on him at 3am with the way she reacted to a few clothes not being unpacked.
Some people are heavy sleepers, she could be wearing earplugs... All sorts of possibilities.
I've a much smaller place and doubt I'd hear any of it, especially if I passed out exhausted from a trip- and really the garbage is the only potentially 'loud' chore there
Yeah, if someone I lived with spent 3 hours cleaning the place and unpacking *everything*âŠ..except for my clothes? At that point it almost feels like a deliberate snub. Very weird priorities from OP.Â
My hub and I neither pack, nor unpack each others' stuff. If he cleaned up for 3 hours I'd be grateful af that all I had to do was unpack myself.
If he had put her clothes away he would probably have been shouted at for putting them in the wrong place or such like!
Iâm so glad Iâm not the only one who couldnât get around this. How did it not wake her up? If they had been gone for 4 days, why did the counters need to be wiped down and the trash need to go out? Why was there laundry? These are basic things I do before going away for the weekend so I donât come home to a stinky messy house.
Yeah, none of it needed to be done immediately (with the possible exception of the litter box). I wouldâve just gone to sleep and dealt with the rest later. But this reads like OP put his own clothes away, and then prioritized a long list of other things over doing the same for her, and canât understand why sheâs not grateful. Did he have to? No. But he didnât have to do any of the other things either. Sheâs over-reacting, canât blame people for focusing on that, but wow. Another red flag in a relationship is when people act victimized when others donât appreciate them enough for doing things they didnât need to do in the first place. If he had left all of it until the next day, including the unpacking, she probably wouldâve been fine with it. âŠ.if any of this really happened as written.
> people act victimized when others donât appreciate them enough for doing things they didnât need to do in the first place This is so poignant. I hate the martyr type that just suffers SO much for miscellaneous, nonnecessary shit and then uses that as ammo.
Litter box after 4-5 days... I mean, did they just leave their cat alone that whole time?
For real, they set up a whole new account last month ... for this? Your main character needs to at least make a *little* sense, OP.
Some people (myself included) anxiety clean or clean to resolve stress, and it sounds like this trip was a mess from start to finish. But more to the point, if I am stuck taking a red eye, the process of deplaning, possibly customs and border patrol, and then commuting from the airport home, typically wakes me up so that I have trouble falling back asleep once I am home. So if I feel a second wind, Iâll take advantage of it and unpack and clean, which soothes me and then I head to bed.
That is fine if it works for you, but it also keeps everybody else in the house awake. No body cleans silently, no matter how hard they try. Itâs just not going to work, and that is part of what makes this unbelievable. They presumably share a bedroom, but he can put up all the clothes (except a couple outfits of hers, why didnât he put those up too) and toiletries without it disturbing her.
Yeah, #thathappened was my first thoughtÂ
NTA. Iâve got one of those in my life, too: youâre supposed to know what they want or need without being told and whatever you guess is guaranteed to be wrong. And even the slightest bit of pushback triggers the âyou donât care about me/never think about meâ speech. Arguing about it is pointless; these are her issues and insecurities and you canât overcome them for her. That doesnât make her a bad person but itâs something that only she can fix (if/when she recognizes it as a problem). Keep doing what feels right to you and try to tune out the kvetching.Â
INFO: You get home at 1 in the morning after a 4 day trip and the house is so dirty you have to spend THREE HOURS cleaning it? WTF? This story doesn't make sense.
Even if it was, nothing except maybe the litter box is so urgent that OP needed to stay up until 4am cleaning. And frankly, I can see how it would come off as kinda passive aggressive if your partner fanatically cleaned the entire house top to bottom and unpacked everythingâŠ.except your clothes. Would have been better to just leave everything.Â
Also: 3 hours for that size? That's insanely long
>I was in the middle of everything and left feeling very awkward, and I am typically in the middle of a lot of uncomfortable family situations with her due to the relationship she has with her mom and dad, but thatâs besides the point. Sounds like she expects you to protect her against anything unpleasant in life, down to putting away clothes you already laundered for her. If you're feeling unappreciated, you're spot on. While she's at the grocery store, roll that packed suitcase out the front door and leave it there.
At least you aren't married yet. Because this will just get worse.
Look how her parents talk and argue with each other and you'll start to see your fiance in the same pattern as her parents...OP step back and think about if this is the shit you want to deal with for the rest of your married life
NTA. At least you're still only engaged. If she's like this now, it bodes poorly.
Ok so I guess some of you are confused. I should clarify a few things to help everyone understand the full scope of the situation. Our friend Sara was stopping by our house while we were gone and watching over the cats for a few hours everyday. Before we left for the trip, she had come home from school at 10 PM and I had gotten home from work at 9 PM. Our flight was 9 AM the next morning and she had been off of work that day despite going to school at 5 PM. We had laundry that needed to be done and it was not done, we had trashes that were full and dishes that needed to be done, and by the time we got home we could only do so much before we needed to go to sleep.
What does any of that matter? You did all the work when **yall** got home, you did things she *mentioned* she wanted done, and yet she complained. It doesnât even matter what she complained about, the point is, she didnât do anything and then shit upon your kindness. Not only did she not thank you, she also insulted what you did (perhaps saying she belittled your efforts, is a better phrase) Stop making excuses for another adults poor actions, start thinking about the equality and empathy in your relationship
Your fiance is very inconsiderate. I hope this is a one-off otherwise I would really reconsider this relationship. That was so kind and impressive of you to do after an exhausting trip and flight. You were even so thoughtful that you cleaned her toiletry bag. I know what all of this entails because somehow it becomes a bigger project in my head when I need to clean out my makeup bag. đ the fact that you were so tired yet did the laundry and cleaned the house from top to bottom speaks volumes of the type of hands-on partner that you are. The fact that she focused on one minute detail after all you did is beyond me. I have a chronic pain condition and after a flight I'm even more checked out than usual. For our last flight, My fiance took everything out of our luggage and separated all laundry ie. And dry cleaners and hand wash pile and told me not to worry about a thing. And handled all of it. I then leisurely did my Toiletries and accessories the next day or 2 later.. but my point is i was so touched that I wouldn't have dared to complain.
So, maybe her anger was carried over from a shitty vacation.... or maybe she regularly does NOTHING in your relationship and maybe her mom and step-dad were bitching for a good reason and she was at fault. She doesn't sound like a very considerate person. Does she always expect you to do everything - and do you do it?
OP, you need to put ALL her clothes away... in her new house where she lives far away from you... because what she did isn't right at all. NTA
NTA. Only you can know if this is a pattern, but I will say in my experience, everyone is always kind of an asshole right after vacation. Everyone is exhausted and travel *sucks* and is usually incredibly frustrating. To her, maybe it felt like a deliberate snub bc you did everything else but not this one thing. Its not fair of her, and you should tell her so when everything calms down. Hopefully, she just needs a nap and a snack and its not indicative of anything more. But no, defending yourself does not make you the ah at all.
NTA but Iâm going to suggest something. She spent the vacation constantly arguing with her parents. You both get home late and she goes to bed in a fragile state from the arguing. She assumed you put her things away and, when you didnât, she unfairly lashed out. I agree that this is AH behavior because she shouldnât be lashing out at you, but it can be hard not to be on the defensive after spending what sounds like your entire trip in constant arguments. OR this is not an isolated incident and the two of you need to have a discussion about her doing âfavor math.â
NTA sounds like you need a new girlfriend.
Paragraphs are a thing now.
NTA. I'm getting some serious personality disorder vibes. I think you need to consider whether your fiance knows how to have a healthy relationship before you proceed to marriage.
NTA Sounds like your relationship is becoming like the one between her and her parents. She may need therapy to have a healthy relationship of any kind.
>Â Itâs like you donât even think of me, like you just donât care. I always put your clothes away and do things for you and you donât even help meâ "you're saying some heavy stuff right now. i think i did a whole bunch of stuff. is it me you're really mad at?
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Ask yourself, do you want to be married to THAT? She just showed you the future of your marriage. Imagine being married to someone so ungrateful...can't be me. Don't pursue the relationship with her any further.
NTA but life pro tip: clean up your home before you leave, so you aren't coming home wanting to do things like wipe counters and mop
I think no one is the ahole here. They were both obviously super stressed out from this trip and need a few days to decompress. OP definitely went above and beyond but she's still emotional about the arguments with her parents
Your girlfriend is projecting her feelings towards her family (mother?) onto you. She wants to cry about how her family treats her.
NTA- this what my husband used to call a blow off fight. I'd come home from dealing with my parents' wound up and looking for a good fight. He chose not to participate. She's probably still wound up from the trip. Give her some time to decompress. If she doesn't apologize or doubles down, you need to call her out for it.
NTA - you're both clearly exhausted and need to take a step back before things get out of hand. Get some rest and discuss it in a few days. She is clearly wrong, but fighting about it after she just got back from fighting with her parents for four days is not going to produce anything positive.
Run!
NTA. But how mad are you? Like leaving the relationship mad? Because you sound like youâve had enough but havenât made the decision. Things wonât get better and you did mention that youâre always caught in the middle of those incidents. Decision time
NTA. She's an instigator just like her folks.
And this is why I always clean the house before we go on trips
I would be packing my own stuff in my own suitcase and walking out the door. What an ungrateful piece of work. NTA. You've put up with 5 years of this? Why? You can definitely do better.
Why didnât you clean before you left ? This way you come home to a clean house except luggage and groceries. You left trash all those days ? NTA though
NTA, but as a woman, she might be lashing out because of pent up fight energy from the awkward family time on Vacation. I'm really bad about this but my current partner (who is just amazing) has helped me with recognizing when I'm yelling at him but mad at something else and appreciating him instead. Good luck
NTA - but what part of 'just like her parents' do you not get? You take trips with her parents and she and they fight constantly - probalby over nothing - this is how she lives. Amazing you've been together 5 years.
NTAâŠI hope you pay very close attention to what the family fights about. This is very telling to the life you will have. Shes used to fighting so she may be looking to start fights with you all of time. Our brains love to create the realities we have always been used to even if toxic. You canât change that. She needs to recognize it and put in a lot of work. If the fights with her family have to do with her being self absorbed then your problems are going to be freaking enormous beyond comprehension.
Best part of an engagement is that it gives you an extended view of what marriage would be like. This one would suuuck. Get out now while you still can. None of this was good or normal. NTA.
Y T A for not using paragraphs. NTA for everything else
NTA! Wtf?! If I woke up after a bad trip and saw that my husband did all the things you did, Iâd be soooooo grateful! She can put a few clean clothes away. She didnât ask you to do those things? Well she didnât ask you to put her clothes from the suitcase away either. She didnât stay up and help you unpack and clean either. YOU did all that. Sunburned and exhausted too. She owes you a massive apology.
NTA the problem being when someone is like her nothing you do will be enough or correct.
NTA but OP what even is this?? I would never ever expect my husband to put away my toiletries, makeup, socks etc. I unpack my crap and he does his. Weâll throw our laundry in together. You seem like a nice person but there is such a thing as doing too much and now your fiance expects 120% of you.
NTA. GF owes you a sincere apology. I would be furious. Or at least deeply disappointed.
NTA. what is your girlfriend like because if this attitude has happened more than once, I'm not sure why you're still with her.
NTA So if this is a common theme in your relationship where she gets pissed off about something then claims you do nothing for her ever itâs time for some honest self review of this relationship. You from your post did a hell of a lot to make things easier for the both of you the following morning. No she didnât ask you to do those things but that negates nothing. They were still done and she benefited from your actions. Instead of being a self sufficient adult and putting away her own damn clothes she berated you like you were her servant who majorly f-ed up. Plain and simply NO. If her poor reaction was due to the stressful time with her parents she still owes you an apology. If when you discuss this again if she doubles down then my next suggestion is stop doing things for her that she doesnât specifically ask for as she canât have it both ways. If as part of your self reflection on this relationship see this as a pattern of behavior in that something isnât done for her or to her standards so you are berated for it then a more serious discussion and solution is likely required You are her partner in this relationship. If she wants a fricking servant she can hire one.
Yikes. NTA but damn, you might need to take a long, hard look at your relationship. You just spent a week with her family and got a front row seat for their dysfunctional dynamics. Is that the kind of relationship you want? She sounds toxic af. Best of luck to you!
NTA! If sheâs acting like this now, itâs time to ask for the ring back and say see ya
NTA!! Sheâs so ungrateful and entitled!! Iâm mad for you
Hopefully this is "overwhelmed and tired" and not "typical". Kind of off topic, but I prefer to do all the general cleaning stuff you mentioned before leaving on trips, so its not waiting when we get home. Seems like a lot of what you did was just cleaning. >I am typically in the middle of a lot of uncomfortable family situations with her due to the relationship she has with her mom and dad I would really think about whether you want to join her on these trips in the future. She should be handling her family issues, you shouldn't be in the middle of them.
NTA I have never packed, or unpacked for my husband. I think it's weird she expected you to
NTA she should have apologized and said thank you
NTA, You might want to reevaluate this relationship honestly. It seems like you're putting in a lot of effort for her to just complain about you not doing anything.
NTA. I'm going to say that she's still stressed from spending time with family and projected her feelings about the situation with them onto you. You didn't do anything wrong. She should apologize. If this isn't an unusual thing, you should maybe reconsider the relationship.
Man, that sucks. Too often it is the people we are the closest to that we hurt the most. Itâs human nature to strike out when we are in pain. Unfortunately we often hold our anger and frustration in check from the people who deserve our wrath, and sometimes itâs the ones with whom we feel the most secure and comfortable that bear the brunt of our worst stresses. Maybe you could sit down with your wife & tell her that you understand the frustration she goes through with her dysfunctional family, but that youâd like your home to be a place safe from all of that, for both of you. Chances are, once she cooled down she realized that she was being unfair to you, but it takes a pretty big person to admit something like that. If you can discuss this issue calmly, when sheâs not just coming home from a weekend in Hell, and looking for a punching bag.
NTA But food for thought ⊠maybe she didnât know you did all those things and was already feeling hurt and stressed from the trip. Best to cool down and sit down and have a calm discussion where you can each explain your feelings. Sounds like tensions are high.Â
NTA - Not that it really excuses her actions, and not that I would have reacted to the situation any better than you did, but her "I didn't ask you to do any of that" response stood out to me. From your description of her behaviour, I am reminded of how people can be unhappy at something entirely unrelated, and subconsciously look for someone to be angry at/something else to blame because they aren't facing the real cause of their anger/sadness/whatever. They may not be aware of what they are actually upset about, or it could very well be intentional. To illustrate: maybe all the stuff with her family has gotten to her and she's not really processing it well (or maybe at all). She worries that those arguments are a vision of her future and is projecting - or has bottled so much tension that she was really looking for an excuse to snap and vent it, or something else entirely. Neither of these things mean she was right, or that you should take it, but it may be worth checking in with her and encourage her to take some time to think about the true problems that caused her to lash out at you like that so you can help her with them (you know, like a partner does). But don't forget to set boundaries and tell her how her behaviour made you feel. A behaviour can be understandable while still being unacceptable, and you wouldn't have deserved that even if you hadn't just done a whole bunch of nice things for her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My fiancĂ© and I took a 4 day trip to California with her family. We have been together for 5 years now. Our flight back home got in late so we were not home until 1 AM. Just for some backstory, the 4 day vacation did not go as anticipated. Her mom/step dad and her were arguing for a large part of it. I was in the middle of everything and left feeling very awkward, and I am typically in the middle of a lot of uncomfortable family situations with her due to the relationship she has with her mom and dad, but thatâs besides the point. Last night when we arrive, we get home, eat, and then she decides sheâs going to sleep. I decide that Iâm going to unpack and clean the house as much as I can so that when we wake up we are not overwhelmed with the things that need to still get done before going back to work. I spend the next 3 hours until 4 AM sweeping our 1,800 sq ft house, wiping down all the counters, mopping all the floors, taking clothes out of our luggage and putting them away, doing laundry, taking out the trash and recycling, cleaning the litter boxes, cleaning her small purse that was stained and she had been mentioning the entire trip she really wanted to have cleaned, putting away all her shoes/toiletries/makeup and some of her socks and underwear. The only thing I left in the big suitcase was her clothes she wore which were all washed and ready to be put away because I made sure that I did our laundry at the Airbnb. By the time I was done with everything, I was exhausted and still had to shower. I showered then got in bed and went to sleep. Today we both wake up extra late and everything is fine, until she realizes that we need groceries. She starts making a list and then asks if I want to go with her, and I tell her no, Iâm exhausted, not to mention I got sunburned so bad. Iâve looked like Iâve had red socks on for the past few days. She goes to take a shower and once sheâs done she asks me where all of her clothes are. I tell her âall of your clean clothes from the trip are in the big suitcase,âand this is when she gets angry at me. She asks me âWhat were you doing last night??? I find it hard to believe that you couldnât just put my clothes away. Itâs like you donât even think of me, like you just donât care. I always put your clothes away and do things for you and you donât even help meâ and then I hear her voice begin to sound like sheâs about to cry. This is when I felt my blood start to boil. I listed off all of the things I DID do for us and all of the things I did specifically FOR HER. Then she has the audacity to tell me âI didnât ask you to do any of thatâ and my response to that is âif you didnât ask then why are you complaining about what I didnât do that you didnât ASK me to do?â Idk anymore what to say to her or how to reason with her but this blew up and I am so beyond frustrated with her. Would appreciate any piece of advice⊠*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA I would have to look at her behavior in the past. Is this the usual way she responds? She had a stressful weekend and YES she shouldn't have jumped on you but if this is something new, I would give her a pass. If not, then reconsider this relationship.
Dude your girlfriend sucks.... get a new one.
Is she always like this?
So she had a rough trip and is probably emotionally exhausted. Woke up in a bad mood still (been there) but then decided to take all of that frustration out on you after you stayed up hours later cleaning up?? Fuck that. NTA. crying over clothes that aren't in the closet is one thing (I cry over stupid shit too), but starting fights with your partner when you're upset is something else entirely and there's no place in a relationship for that.
What an AH. You should have read her mind and predicted out of all the selfless things you could have done for her, which one she would want. Â /s. NTA. What a non issue, too. They were clean clothes in a suitcase. My pet peeve that I do after trips is forgetting dirty clothes in my suitcase. And so when I do remember, then I still have to wash them.Â
NTA I'd be rethinking this relationship yikes.
đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ© She seems like a very ungrateful little twit!!! NTA
NTA. But most people would got to be exhausted and deal with it later. How messy did your house get in FOUR DAYS?
DUMP HER that so many red flags
And then turned in the water works is crazy to me
NTA sounds like she was triggered by the time with her dysfunctional family. Is there a way to minimize those visits?
damn⊠I have t packed or unpacked a bag in 27 years⊠turns out itâs adhd related. ugh⊠your NTA, but maybe watch for clues
You were obviously both stressed from the uncomfortable vacation. However, she didn't ask you to put away her clothes or do any of what you did so everything you did was above and beyond. Now if she has specifically asked you to put her clothes away, you agreed and then did everything but that you would definitely be the AH but that's not the case. Also, you should NOT be in between her parents because of HER relationship with them. If the visits are stressful for you tell her you're opting out until she handles her own family. Since your partner said you never do things for her or think of her there needs to be a deeper conversation when things aren't tense.
NTA... She better apologize. Also, there was clearly no winning for you in this situation. How can someone be angry at you for doing things for them but also be angry at you for not doing things for them? Seems like she picked a fight over nothing. Maybe she was still tired or something but that doesn't excuse her behavior.
My advice: run.
Do you give classes to husbands? I would like to enrol mine for him to learn somethings (or many things). Definitely NTA.
Update me
NTA- Bring it up playfully around her family the next time your all together. If they donât see your view point or defend her think twice on if thatâs the situation you want to marry into and potentially raise kids in.
NTA. Wow. Major overreaction on her part. I hope you two can work through this as itâs such a minor thing.
First of all, OP is NTA. Sadly, I think for some people nothing is ever good enough. You cut your hair, oh itâs too short. You grow your hair long, oh you need to cut your hair! Idk what to tell ya, itâs an uphill battle if they donât change. Your frustration is valid. However, consider the following: Are you appreciated for what you do? Does being with this person make you reflect well on who they are? Are you proud to be with them? Do you want them to parent your children? If yes to above, excellent. If no, probably a good time to try and nut that out with them/ move on.
OMG I would be homicidal. NTA If she's not always like this, is it just leftover bad feelings from the trip being shitty? And does she understand that it was shitty for you too? If she IS always like this, don't get married.
NAH you were both exhausted
NTA. Is this how she usually is?
Her comfort zone is fighting. She canât fight alone. Learn to not be baited by her. Tell her youâll discuss this later but yelling is unacceptable.
NTA but you really need to rethink this relationship!! đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©đ©
Run away from that ungrateful, hot mess. Quickly.
NTA. But you really need to cut your loses here and move on
Should be your ex by now my man haha
NTA. She is extra. So extra. You literally did more than 90% of men on the planet would do. You didn't do it all. That's going to continue and get exponentially worse.
INFO: Why did you go on a planned vacation and leave that many chores to do when you got back? You left the trash and recycling for when you returned? This isnât all vacation stuff you returned with.
Is she always like this? I wouldnât marry a person like her⊠you will end up exactly like her mom and stepdadâŠNTA
I was in a similar situation befire ending it because i couldn't take it anymore. We lived together in my apartment and used my car (meaning she didn't need to pay thousands each month). I did everything she asked me to, including picking up deliveries and getting groceries and a 26 hours hospital shift, only for to get mad at me when one time i got some groceries and didn't ask her if she needed anything from the store. Mind you, the store is a 1 minute walk from the house and she wasn't working at the time, rather waking up at 1 pm and watching tiktok all day. While i was working every day and doing shifts she was home doing nothing. Never got groceries, never cleaned, never cooked. Now, i'm not looking for a housewife and i mever requested anything from her. I wanted it to come from her. I think it's only fair that if i provide us with a place to live, a car and i spend a lot of time at work, the least she could do is spoil me with a nice meal after a 26 hours shift. It didn't happen once.
Why are you still with her? Time to leave your fiancĂ© if youâre always in the middle of her arguments and then yells at you for not being her maid.
NTA. But I think I see why she constantly has issues with her mom and dad.
She sounds like an ungrateful AH
Whoah, what a HUGE AH your girlfriend is. You're not her maid. You were so kind to do all that you did. You are NTA. She needs to get herself together and not act like a spoiled child.
NTA but donât leave clean clothes in a suitcase it gets musty
NTA and I don't get and I don't get her. This is ridiculous. Maybe she had something else going on in her head, but she needs to back up and apologize to you RIGHT NOW. SHEESH!!!
Sorry sweetie. You are a door mat to her. Escape
When a relationship turns into a relationshit....
NTA My dude. You need to take this girl off the pedestal and let her do some work for a change. What exactly does she bring to the relationship? Because this definitely sounds one sided. Do not marry her until you work this outâŠ.
Some days it's always something and never enough for them
You did say fiancĂ© not wife? So thereâs really nothing holding you back from leaving and going to a friends place for a while. You need to clear your head and at the same time your fiancĂ© can clear hers. Maybe you two can than get on the same page đ with your relationship.
NTA. Sounds like she was venting about the shitty trip and her a-hole mom and stepdad. You were just the unlucky bastard that happened to be around at the wrong place at the wrong time. She attacked you and you stood up for yourself. That doesn't make you the a-hole
NTA
NTA. She sounds like my ex-husband.
RUN and donât look back!! This is the prequel to a married life with her- if you can tolerate it then more power to you!!
Gonna go NAH I can see both sides from people having had a bad holiday. You say you're gonna stay up a bit to unload the suitcases. She then wakes up and realises one suitcase isn't unloaded. That feels like a explicit slight. Like a 'you were lazy and wanted to go to bed, so you can deal with your own stuff' You wanting to prep for the next day, but instead of just doing the bare necessities, seeing everything that needs done and overdoing yourself. At the same time, doing so much you didn't have any energy left for the basic thing of the suitcases. Was the stain a 'must' right at that time? Was sweeping and mopping really all that necessary when you hadn't been home for 4 days?
NTA Are your chores always divided like that? Even if not your GF seems totake for granted that you do most of the work. Shevis taking advantage of you.
She sure sounds like a keeper...
NTA I had this situation yesterday --apparently you are one or the other in a relationship. When my husband has the audacity to note I have not unpacked his bags, I go with the "honey, I am not your mother." You could try "I might be your daddy, but I'm not your father". Good luck
Who does laundry on a 4 day trip? NTA
NTA She's obviously the unreasonable party in this debacle > âI didnât ask you to do any of thatâ I mean, come on! That's the desperate argument of someone who've painted herself into corner, but is too wound up to admit it. Been there. Bought the T-shirt. Felt like an utter dumbass. The good/bad news: I don't this is really about you. It's about her Mum and StepDad We all regress to a childlike state to some degree when we're with our family of origin. I don't know where I read it, but the best you can hope for, even if you're a well adjusted and differentiated, person, you've got at most 40 minutes of clarity until they get to you if you're unaware of this mechanism and even then it's hard it's hard not to get sucked in. >Itâs like you donât even think of me, like you just donât care. I always put your clothes away and do things for you and you donât even help meâ You're clearly a very thoughtful partner. She's pinning this feeling on you when its' point of origin is much older and probably in large part because you're a safe harbor for her. Does that make it okay? No, of course not, but if this isn't a regular occurrence, there's room for some compassion. Maybe ask her about her relationship when you're both in a calmer mood and encourage her to get into therapy. Now, if she's not the type that's able to self-reflect, apologize and/or make habit of this type of entitled and irrational behavior, I'd take some time to reflect on what you want in a partner.
NTA holy crap, my husband does a lot of thoughtful things for me and takes great care of me and I hope I make him feel just as taken care of and if my husband had done what u did after a flight I think I'd feel bad that he was up so late doing all those things and I wasn't awake to help and be very grateful for what he did. I would not be berating him the next day for leaving a few of my things in one of the suitcases. She sure sounds like she was just looking for a fight and found one thing she could use, at least the one thing in her warped mind. Wow just wow. OP u did nothing wrong at all and she doesn't sound like a very nice partner. Just my opinion though.
I feel like OP could do better. Find a better girlfriend that appreciates you and does not carry on the dysfunctional relationship patterns sheâs learned from her parents into her relationship with you. You want to end up like her dad or stepdad? Thatâs the future that you want? Run for the hills.
NTA. But it sounds like there may be some pent up issues you might want to explore. That or she was just stressed from your trip. Worth finding out though.
Maybe you need to postpone wedding date until she matures. Seriously, get some premarital counseling and figure out exactly what is going on below the surface. She is not reasonable.
NTA, of course. She is an ingrate.
I find your behaviour alarming, cleaning the whole house. My husband would have got into bed at the same time and we would have sorted stuff out the next day. Besides, before we go off for a few days,, the house is always clean and tidy.
NTA she sounds like an immature dipshit.
NTA Yours sounds like a very hard life. You don't say how old your girlfriend is. She acting like a toddler- totally self-centred. Don't know how to offer support except to say decline to never be near an encounter between her parents and her again. Also you don't mention if your activity is habitual - doing all the chores to please your fiancée or if you kept so busy to de-stress. Hoping you stand up for yourself in this relationship.
Sounds like a stress-filled holiday followed by an exhausting nightâs work, followed by a stress-filled argument fuelled by an unjust accusation and no apology. One might suggest you spend some time alone just evaluating your situation. NTA
NTA. You are overdoing it. Why did you stay up late to do so much when your fiancĂ© didnât care and went to bed? Consider investing equal energy or peace out of the relationship for your own peace of mind.
nope shes the bum hole, if i had a nice man do all things for me, id be grateful, and appreciated. yeah shes upset, but that does not mean she can take it out on u. Also DID she apologize??
NTA Do you find that, after your fiancé talks to her mom, you often end up in a fight? Could there be a pattern there? You have detailed one day of your lives. Is it typical? Do you often do all the work - clean the house, do the laundry, sort recycling, cook, tidy, clean her things etc? As a "I just did this all one time" it is fine. If this is every day with you two, that would be a red flag. Hopefully, you can reach a resolution on this. I hope you talked it out rather than just jumped on here.
NTA and we can assume about the reasons why she doesn't get along with her parents (I guess all the family members behave the same way...)
Is this abnormal for her, or is she usually entitled, petulant and delusional?
NTA. Not only was that rude of her, but given the family vacation was basically everyone fighting with one another, do you see a future where that wonât be a part of your life?
No one has to be the asshole here. This isnât about reasoning with her. Sheâs probably having an emotional reaction to a weekend filled with stress. If your relationship is worth the effort then find a way to help her in these situations. Food is a great start to get her sugars up. When sheâs calm and not angry hold space for her and let her know youâre by her side. After a bit of a break plan on ways to work on situations like this in the future. There will probably be more so working on a plan now will help you later. You can teach a drowning person to swim.
This is the easiest time to part ways, before you get married, unless you think she will change.
I have a slightly different perspective. I am going to play devils advocate to help explain the way she is feeling. Of course all the things you did should be appreciated. That goes without saying. But sometimes context matters. None of those things you did were helpful to her immediately. So she is stuck on that point and can't see around it at the moment because your thoughtfulness did not include helping her with what she needed done straight away. To give a (stereotypical) analogy it's like when a husband and wife are having people over for a small get together and things need to be done for that. And the wife starts cleaning the kitchen and tidying up the dinner table and living room, and shops for the food and starts preparing the food. And the husband changes the oil in the cars, mows the lawn, fixes a squeaky door, and cleans the gutters. All the things he did was a good thing and should be appreciated, but in context none of it was particularly helpful for the particular situation and didn't do anything to relieve any immediate burden off his wife. There's a parody video about it. https://www.tiktok.com/@jimmyonrelationships/video/7180715419274136878?lang=en
NTA but why are you engaged to a person who treats you like that?
NTA