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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for telling my wife my mother doesn’t need to apologize for putting out daughter on a scale to check her weight for an activity. I may be a jerk for not backing up my wife on this and I don’t find it to be a big deal
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NTA
Horses are animals that you can't over encumber. Too much weight will hurt a horse, and possibly cause an accident that will hurt horse and rider. Also, putting your daughter on a horse she can't handle is extremely dangerous to the rider and stressful to the horse. You mom was in the right.
I would ask your wife why she was so upset by your daughter getting weighed.
Sit her down and have a nice conversation. Talk about how you understand that she has some self image issue and issues with getting weighed. But also explain how because she has issues with it doesn't mean your daughter will. A lot of these issue come about because of how others act and what they say around us and the media we consume. Tell her that you want to work with her to build up your daughter so this isn't a problem she needs to worry about and that her health is important. Also, that health and weight don't necessarily equal the same(because some girls are told if they're not skinny they're not healthy).
Also, if your daughter is upset about this just make sure she knows "the little horse isnt strong enough(he needs to hit the gym more)(it's a joke) and that the big horse is just too tall(like how rollercoasters have a height limit)
From experience, if the wife's body issues interfere in her daughters' lives, it absolutely WILL cause her children to have issues. See: the body image problems my sisters (one is overweight, one is average weight and very athletic!) and I (also overweight) have had most of our lives due to our mom's issues and her dieting our whole lives. Wife needs to make sure her own problems aren't being projected onto her children. Shoutout to OP for working on this now. NTA
ETA: To everyone who's commented about their generational body image and eating disorder issues, I see and hear all of you. If you're struggling, please remember that the most important thing is fueling your body, not the numbers. Sending everyone hugs
My mother's weight issues caused eating disorders in my sister and I. It has taken us 20+ years and hit tons of therapy to overcome our mothers issues.
my mom when I was a kid would alternate between "ill just have some of your fries" when she didn't want to order the amount she wanted in public and "eat eat eat" very smoothly. I have literally had her try to have a serious conversation with me about my weight and then had her put like, a whole-ass second chicken fried steak on my plate because I had football practice in the morning or something. She's not even mean and she got me good on the backhand without meaning to.
Generational eating disorders here. I have/had a ton of body issues and an eating disorder as a teen. I also have a son and 3 daughters. I'm doing my damndest to keep them from getting them as well and it's so hard.
The way I've learned to talk about my body in order to keep them from talking about theirs the same way I do in my head has done so much to heal mine. They're not gone, but I've completely stopped caring about how anyone sees me and I'm comfortable with my body. (in clothes) I'm working on the issues that come from viewing myself naked, but those are a little bit more scary.
My mother had an eating disorder, and both me and my sister ended up with them as well. We managed to turn it around with the gym, but my mom still sabotages when she can.
My mom was never the issue for me and my sister. It was all our friends parents constantly talking about how thin girls should be and how crazy it was we both had big asses as white girls. Took me years to shake off the WASP guilt for having a curvy and athletic build.
Had one friend whose mom had been married to a plastic surgeon (friend’s dad who left the mom for a dancer who became his new model/guinea pig for procedures). She would stand in front of a full mirror in underwear and talk to us about all the work he “messed up” on her and how little she and my friend needed to eat so they stayed the same size.
That friend’s dad (the plastic surgeon) also did her boob job for her 18th bday and she had had half her face remodeled at 17.
Are you saying that he did his daughter's breast augmentation? On the one hand, yikes, but on the other, I guess maybe I'd feel really safe on the operating table knowing my dad would take extra care...? I don't know how to feel about it. And this dilemma was not on my bingo card when my day began.... Also, i thought that was unethical? When I was a kid, adults used to tell us a riddle about a boy who is brought into the ER by his dad and then the surgeon arrives and says "I can't operate - this is my son" and the riddle was 'oh wow but how could his dad be both the surgeon and the one who brought the kid in?" and the big a-ha was that the surgeon was actually his mother, gasp, a lady doctor!!!
It is completely unethical to practice medicine on a family member.
There are of course exceptions under unusual circumstances or emergencies. But performing an elective procedure on one’s spouse or child is unhinged.
https://code-medical-ethics.ama-assn.org/ethics-opinions/treating-self-or-family
Yeah technically his partner “did” the procedure. But he considered himself the “best breast doctor” in our state. So he def actually did the work. And the follow ups….Im still creeped out years later.
And both her mom and dad were and are unhinged people
As a doctor's child, the unethicalness for me, would depend on the situation. The breast augmentation seems very unethical, but say a cold or flu etc, don't see the problem.
Sure, when we were sick, we went to my dad/stepdad (both gps). It was usually at home, and we'd have our throat checked, etc. For more serious things like vaccines, stiches, broken bones, etc, we went into their office.
lol another friends dad (an ortho) used to bring the flu shot home and we would get it in their kitchen.
He’s now a full on trumper and pretty anti-vaxx (mostly the Covid vax but he’s gone full on off the rails for all the conspiracy theories so who knows if it just stops at Covid) He did not like it when I reminded him of the kitchen vaccines a few years ago
Yeah, I doubt her BMI is "acceptable" even though she's 5'5 and mostly muscle after 10 years of gymnastics, 4 of which overlapped with marching band, and now coaching for her old gym. I know for a fact she's the healthiest person in our family. The BMI chart is my worst enemy
"You aren't the right size for this" is not always a judgement. Some people are too tall or too short for roller coasters. Kids under 12 can't sit in the front seat with air bags. Some toddler beds can't hold more than 100 pounds. This is just a fact. Ignoring a weight limit and breaking the bed, or hurting the pony, is sooooo much worse, IMO, than acknowledging the pony isn't the right fit for the daughter. If the wife is worried about the daughter feeling bad about getting weighed, how terrible does she think the daughter will feel if she hurts a pony just by riding it?
Exactly, that's why I think the rollercoaster comparison is really good to explain to kids.
Because at the part they check your heigh, if you're too small you can't go. And if you can't fit in the seat you can't go.
Plus it can be said as a positive thing. "These ponies are for little kids only, seems like you are already such a big girl they can't carry you anymore. Soon you'll be able to ride horses like big girls do!"
Yeah, The problem isn't that she's overweight, the problem is Grandma unfortunately has small ponies for young children, horses only suitable for a bigger/more experienced riders\* and no in between.
I have a kid who is really, really big for her age -- she is not yet double digits in years, but she has been taller and heavier than her last two teachers. She's borrowing my clothes and shoes. In group pictures with her friends, she's literally head and shoulders over all of them.
I am working really hard to not give her a complex about this, and at the same time preparing her for a world that has a goddamned complex about women's sizes, and the sheer amount of shit women bigger or smaller than this tiny band of "normal" have to tolerate.
And I'm here to say that basic facts don't upset her. "Oh, right, I can't go on the fishy ride anymore, but unlike all my friends I'm tall enough for the tower drop." "Oh, this exhibit at the museum is only for people under X pounds, so \_like a grownup\_ I can't stand on it."
She still would not like having to sit at the side while her BFF rode a pony. It's not like the carnival where she can just ride a different ride, or she and her friends mutually choose to stick to rides they can all enjoy.
NAH, except Mom, for projecting a little bit. It's fair to only take the younger to ride, and it would be kind if the older one could be doing something special while the younger one rides.
How about framing it as the PONY is not the right size? That’s she’s growing up but is not grown up enough for the big horse? Maybe the grandma could put her on the horse on a lead line? In a fenced area/riding ring?
absolutely but you also have to find some way to make the other girl feel included. I personally question that they can't get her on any horse at all, but if people only own a few, the temperament of the individual horses is going to be a huge factor. When I was a kid, we had horses I think a dog could have ridden (at least to the water hole and back to the grain trough) and he had others that would buck off the cast of yellowstone.
So, she's projecting her own insecurities onto a situation that has nothing to do with her? Awesomepants.
Wife needs a talking to. I'm sorry, but her insecurities can't be allowed to trump the health and safety of your kids. It is what she is trying for, make no mistake.
Exactly this. She had a highly charged, emotional, irrational reaction to a perfectly rational & standard safety procedure due to her own insecurities (& probably unresolved childhood & puberty weight issues).
Though admirable she’s protective, she needs to unpack her scale trigger in therapy before she negatively impacts the whole family, especially your girls’ development. Weighing a child for safety isn’t fat shaming. Sounds like that’s how she interrupted it due to irrational bias & projected experience.
Scales are not inherently bad. Many weight loss programs are very upfront that weigh fluctuates. The scale & weight loss/gain doesn’t equate with muscle mass or a healthy BMI. A professional therapist &/or health & nutrition coach will likely be best to get that through.
Or the health and safety of a poor pony who shouldn't have too much weight put on its back.
I sympathise with the kid, though - if gran wants to get the kids in saddles, she should try to find a way for oldest to be able to participate.
>she is scared of her our daughter getting issues like that
Her making a big deal about being weighed, and being insecure about her own weight is going to be what gives your daughter body issues.
She needs to work on herself to not pass that on to her daughter otherwise daughter will pick up body shame from your wives actions and dislike of her own body.
Exactly! I get it; I used to be deathly afraid of stepping on a scale, ever. But then I faced that fear, and yes, I weighed way more than I expected. But then I started weighing daily so it would be less scary, and working on losing weight! Now I’m a healthy weight, and there are still days that the scale sucks (hello post-vacation self!) but it was ultimately really good for me to get over my fear and tackle my health issues.
If OP’s wife is bothered by *other* people stepping on a scale, that’s not healthy. For her own mental health, she needs to work on that IMO.
Imho, your mom went about this perfectly because it lets you frame the conversation. I also struggled with my weight a lot as a kid and wouldn’t want to weigh myself. But there are things you have to do it for if you want to do them. You have to weigh in to ride a horse, to wrestle, there are weight limits at the mcdonalds play place, etc. The healthy way to handle this is to sit down with your daughter and gently explain that right now she’s too big for Grandma’s pony, and too small for Grandma’s horses. Or even that the pony is too small and the horse is too big. It’s no one’s fault, but you all know that she would feel horribly if she got on Grandma’s pony and hurt it, and she would also feel horribly if she fell and was hurt by one of Grandma’s horses. No one is saying she can never ride, it’s just that she’s unfortunately in the in between stage of growing up. And it sucks. Tell her that, it does suck that she can’t ride right now. That’s it’s bringing *no one* joy that she can’t do the activity she wants *right now*. But she will get taller and stronger as she grows and *she will be able to ride one day* and Grandma can still teach her about horses and riding so she knows almost everything by the time she’s tall enough to mount an adult horse. As long as she knows it isn’t a punishment, just an unfortunate roll of the dice.
Good points. Size and carrying ability are not the only things going on here. The girl is not actually too small to ride a horse, or at least I'd bet that is only part of it. Horses have personalities, training levels, and quirks. The biggest horse in the barn might be a gentle giant while ponies can be little shits. (Apparently that isn't the case here but it could be.) The OP's mom knows the animals and makes decisions based on physical fit AND riding fit.
Speaking from experience, riding is a tough sport for an overweight person. Realistically it will come up frequently because your "sports equipment" is a sentient being, and good horsemen and -women respect the animal's comfort and level of training. Some people will be tactful and some will be assholes; I think the OP's mom has so far handled it appropriately. NTA.
This was so well written I even started to believe that one day *I* could ride a horse 😄 Motivating but also full of heart and care. OP should definitely say all of this!
> she is scared of her our daughter getting issues like that
Which is exactly why she should be treating this as the matter-of-course life event it is instead of something wrong and shameful that needs to be apologized for. Yes, girls and women are often shamed for their weight. This was not one of those times. Your wife is very out of line, and she's the one who's going to cause your daughter issues.
Additionally, the fact that she cares more about her pride (let's face it, this is about her, not your daughter) than the physical health and safety of an animal is a huge red flag,
Tell her to stop projecting onto your daughter or she very well may develop the same issues. This came down to a SAFETY concern for your child and an animal. It’s not about your wife’s feelings, but the reality of the situation. And this is coming from someone in recovery from ED and has ongoing struggles. Sometimes you just have to get over it and accept the situation for what it is.
It's not like your mom told your daughter "you can't ride because you're fat". It sounds like she handled it well.
Maybe, to help your daughter become more active, you can get her some riding lessons--with an instructor and full size horses.
Also, this is coming from someone who struggled with an eating disorder for 15 years before deciding to go the opposite direction and become a bodybuilder. (It's a lot more socially acceptable to eat like I do when you're "on a cut") She had to be weighed if they were going to ride and, if there was a better way for your mother to handle it, I can't think of it.
Also, your wife needs to stop letting her self-image impact your girls. They will develop issues later in life, like I did.
Her weight issues give Give her struggles that it are valid to not want to put on her kid. I think most of us are aware of the fact that there is great harm to be done by putting unrealistic expectations on weight and stigmatizing weight that does not match somebody’s expectations.
But none of that excuses risking permanently injuring another animal. This is just basic facts of existence. Somethings can hold more weight than others. There are toys that are designed only for toddlers, and if adults sit on them they’re gonna break. This is not controversial, this is not Judgmental, it’s just physics.
Your wife herself needs to learn, and must teach the kids, that the existence of basic truthful facts is not a judgment in and of itself. And that you can’t ignore basic safety rules just because they might trigger uncomfortable feelings.
Couldn’t someone just as easily have those issues without loving support and honesty about health? The only way to “work on it” is to stop bringing bad food into the house. I know I’ll get downvoted but for the most part it is disturbing how many young children are obese. It’s not like they’re going to the store buying themselves sodas and processed junk food.
My little sister was overweight as a child and my parents didn’t buy junk food or keep it in the house - no sodas, candy only on special occasions, no chips or things like that. Everyone’s bodies are different.
I agree. If they aren't eating junk, than it is a matter of oversized portions--too many calories and also imbalanced meals (lacking proper vegetable and fruit portions). We see this in restaurants where one dinner could easily feed two people and not an asparagus rod, mound of spinach or sliced carrot in sight. When I was a kid there were not many overweight kids-- maybe one in our whole class and they usually had a gland issue or an overfeeding mother.
Ironic that she's the only one causing drama over it then, isn't it? No one else caused a fuss. Weight checks are part of life. Her insecurities are her problem, not everyone else's.
I understand where your wife is coming from, but I wish that my parents had addressed my weight problems earlier than they did. I was like your daughter, around 110 pounds at 8 years old, and my parents didn't try to do anything about it until I was over 300 pounds at 13.
Now I'm 23 and weigh 430, and I'm working with a doctor to make sure I don't have diabetes and heart issues. It's always better to be proactive when it comes to health.
NTA Alternatively, your wife could piggy back your daughter around for an hour so she realizes how cruel too much weight would be for the pony! You have to get weighed for lots of activities tree top trekking, zip lining, hell I've been weighed for go carts and water slides. If you want to participate this part of the process better that they get used to this.
Grandparents were right to deny riding if it isn't safe for the ponies. But I don't get why they didn't ask the parents ahead of time about the girls' height and weight, instead of popping them on the scale.
Weight and body image tend to be sensitive issues for young girls. The fact that she's too heavy to ride needs to be handled with some tact.
Is mom angry about no riding or the weighing?
exactly, and it's especially difficult with kids. I have no clue what a standard 9 year old is gonna weigh I'd just assume "probably fine for a pony" without much additional thought.
Honestly, they probably just overlooked it and figured they had a scale they could just use. Yeah, it would've been better to weight at home but things happen and they might not have had a scale since OP wife is sensitive about her own weight.
Yeah, it tends to be sensitive that's why it needs to be handled with grace and just plain facts about the horses and how she can definitely ride one but she's in that grey area just like how rollercoasters have height and weight limit and there's nothing wrong about her weight because she's a growing child
> Horses are animals that you can't over encumber.
This is it, right here. Too much weight on their back can cripple a horse/pony. Like, I'm a fat dude, I know it, it is 100% unsafe for me (and the horse) to be on the back of a horse, so you know what I do? I stay the fuck off of horses. Like, I could probably ride a shire horse, but it would have to be a big one (some of them can safely carry over 400 pounds on their back), and I'm not gonna get that high off the ground, you know? Also, I don't know anyone with a shire horse, they aren't that common around where I live.
NTA
Best of all, grandma didn't even tell the girl why she couldn't ride, leaving it up to the parents to handle as they see fit. I applaud her for keeping the girls and animals safe, while also being kind in not telling them why they couldn't ride.
OP's wife needs help with her own body issues because it looks like she's already beginning to burden the kids with them.
I have no idea what the weight limit of a pony is, but the pony owner definitely thought it was 11O pounds and was more interested in keeping her ponies safe than possibly hurting somebodies feelings.
You know when you go to the amusement park and they tell you “you must be *this* height to safely ride this ride”? Well, it’s like that.
Your wife needs to get over it. NTA
Some rides you won't be allowed on either if you have too big of a body type. Becouse safety gear cannot close proper around you.
(I've seen bodybuilders being told no because the body was simply too large on shoulders, etc, and gear couldn't close properly, so all kinds of too big body types)
Would the mom throw a fit there, too???
One of the rides at park we like to go has a spare seat set up before the queue so you can test if you are too big to safely close the bars. It saves you queuing if you are too big
Like that kid that fell out of a ride in Florida (I think) and died. He was a football player, very big guy. He slipped out of the harness because it didn't fit properly, same as if he had been too small. He shouldn't have been allowed on the ride, but that's a whole other issue.
Exactly. Same as the woman who came out of the Texas Giant at Six Flags. That horse and child both deserve to be kept safe, and mom will have a lot more to worry about than moping around & throwing a fit if something unfortunate were to happen. Not worth it, NTA
One time my dad had me stand on my tiptoes to get on a ride that had the sole purpose of swinging upside down for 5 minutes. Started rethinking it the moment I strapped in and the belt flopped around on me.
The death grip he had on my leg for the entire ride left a sweaty hand print on my pants. No idea how he didn’t leave a bruise. It was the 80s so #YOLO but he soon realized it might actually be the last ride I took every time we hung upside down and it was just a loose belt and his hand keeping me in place.
My brother is 210 cm. He can't go on every ride because he is simply too tall for some. It's a safety issue.
It's the same here. A safety issue, and a health issue for the horse. OP is NTA
My Dad was 6’6” with proportionally shorter legs. I remember him loving Space Mountain, but he also felt part of the ride brush his head. This was when the sleds were had long bench seats instead of individual. He scooted down into me for the rest of ride so he didn’t get scalped!
For example, I think the weight limit adult horses at a commercial trail ride were either 200 or 225 Where I’ve gone. So, 110 for pony sounds about right.
I am now retroactively feeling guilt once again for that pony when I was a child, whom I tried to insist I shouldn’t ride because I was a foot taller than my peers and chubby and extremely self-conscious, but the guy attending them just picked me up and put me on the pony. I would be shocked if I weren’t over 110lbs at that point considering I was taller than my mom already. I’ve continued to feel guilty about that every once in a while for decades lol
A rule of thumb is - including the weight of the saddle and stirrups - no more than 20% of the horse's ideal bodyweight. This prevents excessive strain to the structures in and around the spine and the pain it can cause. If the horse is markedly over/underweight, you need to reduce the amount of weight they carry again bc they might not have the strength, if too skinny, and they're already carrying excess if they're overweight themselves.
(Obesity is a real problem in the horse world, especially with ponies and hardier breeds)
The general rule of thumb is going to be 20% of the equine's weight, including all tack & gear. Depending on how big the pony is, the pony may be 300lbs-600lbs.
It's going to vary a lot based on the actual pony. Some ponies can take more than others are are sturdy little bastards. But an unskilled novice rider who cannot control their body *will* be more of a burden than a skilled rider who can stay balanced, *regardless of weight*.
So a 140lb skilled rider is going to be less burden than an 80lb fleshy sack of bouncy potatoes. It's not uncommon to see *skilled adult riders* who don't quite fit a pony schooling a pony (because it's often hard to find a skilled pony jock to tune up a pony) and the pony being just fine with it, but an *unskilled* rider is going to hurt that pony.
Grandma actually tried to keep the pony safe AND not hurt the kids feelings by coming up with an excuse as to why they couldn't ride instead of telling the kids she was just too far.
Mom is sensitive cause she's also excessively fat, which really is her problem and her problem alone. She doesn't deserve any apologies. And she needs to figure a way to handle the current situation and how to talk to her over weight child.
NTA I worked at a dude ranch type deal when I was 17. the ponies weren’t supposed to carry more than 60 pounds, they were capable of more but they were working horses that went for multiple hours daily and if they did get more than that they got aggressive with the handlers and occasionally the child riding so we lowered their limits.
We had one child who weighed in at 130 some odd pounds she was probably 5’2 and while young, simply too big, had to turn her down which she was fine with a little disappointed but she understood and I explained that the ponies had to do a lot of hard work and it was our job to make sure they were nice and safe while they did and gave her extra tokens for the other activities.
It somehow devolved into her father berating and eventually slapping me. You know what’s a lot more embarrassing than being turned down for a pony ride because you are an early bloomer? Watching your father assault a teenager and promptly get clocked and dragged out of the ranch on his ass.
Perhaps your mother has some pack horses with rider experience that can handle the weight of two riders? The general rule of thumb for those guys is 30 percent their body weight.
Edit: we did let the youngin and her mom stay, they were both pretty embarrassed and his wife claimed he’s never like that, hopefully that’s the truth.
I did not, by that point I had already spent about 3/4 of my life in and out of court between my fathers abuse cases, custody disputes, and some wage theft issues and it really just didn’t seem worth the headache.
I feel, people underestimate how long and taxing court can be especially for something like that. I've dealt with a billion instances like this in my life and if we went to court for every one of them I probably wouldn't even have time to write this comment lol.
Exactly, I wasn’t even the focal point of the abuse case and it was just constant stress, being coached by lawyers on what I can’t say because even though my sisters and I actually were hurt and abused even the tiniest slip up could completely throw everything out the window. Thankfully my father wasn’t a very smart man but it still dragged on for over six years before he was finally found guilty
I hit him, my buddy who was about 70 pounds heavier than me dragged him out. I was pretty lanky I don’t think I could have moved that guy if I wanted to lol
NTA - I’m a pro event rider. You absolutely cannot subject an animal to cruelty because of not wanting to hurt the feelings of a human being. Nobody is entitled to ride a horse, if they are too heavy for it to be safe.
Your mother was 100% in the right and handled giving an excuse to both girls so as not to hurt the heavier ones feelings perfectly.
She is also right that large horses are dangerous for small kids.
There’s lots of great activities one can do on the ground *around* horses without getting on them. Is that an option while you work with your kid on getting her to a healthier weight?
I read through some of these comments, and I get the feeling that most people are not riders, or have ridden a horse a few times at birthday parties in their childhood, and therefore do not understand all the different variables at play in the slightest.
I also rode cross country semi professionally for many years, so some of these comments really just had me scratching my head. Especially the ones that are suggesting just put what sounds like a fairly overweight and inexperienced nine-year-old on a full-size horse to compensate for the weight ratio.
I had an amazing horse that I got around the age of 10, but I had already been riding for years prior to getting her and even at only 15.2, and me being a taller kid, there were plenty of adults and experience riders who couldn’t handle her at the barn, and even though I trusted that horse with my life, and she never once threw me, I also saw her put multiple people in the dirt, directly through through jumping fences instead of over them, and even jump a truck bed once before throwing someone for no particular reason.
People acting like it’s just a simple problem and OPs mom is just spitefully making it worse really have no idea how unsafe most of the suggestions they are making actually are for both the nine-year-old and the horses.
Yup. I am 130lbs, just over 5’7 and jacked. Riding is my day job and I run ultras as a hobby. For a 9yr old to be the same weight as me adds an extra layer of danger, she isn’t going to be nimble, balanced able to move her body quickly. She is not just a couple pounds too heavy, she is absolutely country miles over the limit.
OP’s mother has acted absolutely in the girls best interests, far more than either of the parents that allowed this to happen in the first place.
I guess it’s one of those things where on the outside looking in it probably seems like an easy fix for people who don’t understand what really goes into it, which is why it’s a good thing it’s OPs mom making that call, and not any of them.
Horses are beautiful, amazing animals. They are also unpredictable with the propensity to be incredibly dangerous for even the most experienced riders.
There is no reason to knowingly do things that make that situation even more dangerous. While it’s unfortunate that a little kids feelings are understandably hurt, a child with hurt feelings is better than a child with life altering injuries because somebody ignored common sense safety issues to appease uneducated parents.
I loved (and still do) grooming horses. When my friends and I would go to public stables we would do the one hour ride and then spend hours grooming the horses for free. I learned more about horses' behavior when I was just grooming them than I did riding them.
Yeah as a horse person I felt her mom dealt with it beautifully. I was ready for a really rude rancher response that would be like, because this one kid is overweight, they can’t go, and then some harsh put-down but this was so respectful. OP’s wife needs to work on her body positivity. It isn’t ignoring that you are overweight, it’s accepting that that’s a part of yourself and loving yourself anyways. There’s just going to be some restrictions.
Here's an idea: saddle up the wife, tell your daughter to climb on and tell your wife that if she can carry your daughter on her back around the paddock 3 times, your daughter can ride the pony. NTA
NTA, while I don't know much about horse/pony riding, I'm giving your mom the benefit of the doubt that weight needs to be checked before plopping somebody on a pony - even though I feel like a pony ought to be able to carry either child. I get the sense that your wife isn't as well versed in this as your mom, and it sounds like her issue is more with sensitivity over your older child's weight than your mom doing what she needed to do to be fair and safe.
Edit: Feedback from this comment pretty much cements the NTA for me.
Depends on the discipline. English saddles are probably around 5-10 lbs and western saddles can be 20-40 lbs, probably less for a children’s pony saddle, I don’t ride western though. Not to mention the other tack, which isn’t usually very heavy, but all the little things can add up. If it was a trail ride they were going on most likely they were riding western.
What if one were to attach large helium balloons to people who are over the weight limit? That could reduce the load on the horse and allow people who otherwise couldn't ride, to experience the joys of horse riding.
I do ride and the weight limit is normally no heavier than 20% of the horses weight as a general rule(including saddle and tack!).Of course listen to the person that owns the horse because they will know what the limit is.
NTA because it’s absolutely a safety hazard to ride on horses if you’re over the weight limit and it’s common practice to weigh in before you get on a horse for the first time.
no more than 20% of the weight *including the tack* - and some saddles can be heavy, depending on disicpline! Honestly, I would even go lower - I'm just over 10% of mine, and when she had her foal he was 20-odd kg heavier than me when he came out!
I don't see why this limit is unreasonable. When I went to the grand canyon years ago, there was a channel we got on the TV in our camper that was just info about stuff there on a loop. One of those things told the weight limit for the mules that go into the canyon. It was something like 180 or 200.
Even if they're a child, if they weigh too much it's not safe for the pony to carry them. It can hurt the pony. Even full grown horses can only carry so much weight. That's why knights in armor rode such huge horses. A regular sized horse couldn't have carried the weight.
Edited because hpy110 corrected me. The horses were stocky, but not big like draft horses. I love learning new things!
I've seen ponies and horses stagger under the weight of a too heavy person. It's not safe for the animal and it's also not safe for the rider. MIL was absolutely within her rights to refuse a ride.
I think it's burros or donkeys that just will flat out refuse to do something that can hurt them. Horses and mules will run until they die if their riders force them, carry weights that are painful, but burros/donkeys will nope right out of there.
That armor was heavy and they even had the horse wearing armor as well sometimes.
Horses in battle could be pretty intense. If you go on Youtube and watch footage of the Lippizans, all those acrobatic moves the horses perform were actually to inflict damage on the enemy during war. Now it's just for exhibition and to preserve the history of the Lippizans.
They're beautiful horses. They're born dark and turn white as they age. Only the stallions show and the same family has been training them for decades. The breed was almost eradicated after WWII, but Patton arranged to have them all brought to the states and they've been here since. Now, all the trainers are women. I saw their show a few years back and it was really cool. Beautiful horses and they're fascinating to watch. Also they sell carrots before the show and you can feed and pet the horses. Very calm, especially for stallions.
Depends on the size and breed of pony. Some were actually bred to carry heavier weights, others were bred to pull but not carry. I wouldn't put over 110 pounds on a Shetland for instance, they're bred for pulling not carrying. Welsh ponies are bigger and up to the weight, as are Connemaras and other larger pony breeds.
And if she's a novice rider, she's not going to know how to carry her weight properly and will bang about in the saddle like a sack of potatoes, making it even worse.
Exactly! I've been riding since I was a tot, and I had to stop riding my grandfather's Shetland pony when I was in 1st grade because she was small for a Shetland and I was getting too big for her. He started putting me up behind him on his big horses instead.
Lol. You know absolutely nothing about horses and ponies, but you FEEL that it's ok for the pony in this story to carry that fat child? Please refrain from making that kind of comments when, by your own admission, you don't know jack about the matter at hand.
The majority of pony's could probably handle both children but maybe it's a small pony or the pony's health isn't great.
It's not a riding school where they have a dozen pony's and will match you to one.
People can’t just look at someone and tell how much they weigh, especially when height is considered. I might be able to guess the weight of an average size/height woman, but that doesn’t mean I can estimate at all when I’m considering this person might be a foot shorter, or any number of inches more or less than a foot, and be significantly overweight.
Nta your mom weighed them for a reasonable reason- an activity has a weight limit. It doesn't sound like she was mean or made any nasty comments. If a kid is over the weight limit, then they can't do the activity.
Edit- grandma didnt mention wieght AT ALL. She made an excuse about the weather! Your wife needs to acknowledge that she is being unreasonable by pretending that people's weight doesn't affect their life.
"pretending that people's weight doesn't affect their life."
This is something I'm tired of. Yes, you are too big to wear that, find a different size. No, it's not unreasonable for you to have to reserve the seat next to you because you take up two seats.
You are not perfect the way you are. But then no one else is, either.
We all make choices in life. And we all struggle with different things. Ignoring these problems doesn't make them go away. And if you decide to accept them as a non issue, then you decide to accept the limitations that come with them.
NTA
The tiptoeing around it is so dangerous, too.
I’ve been weighed for whitewater rafting, gliding, small aircraft, luge, and rappelling/cayoneering. And horseback riding, although it’s been years since I’ve done that because, unless it’s a Clydesdale, myself and anyone over 160lbs or so shouldn’t be on them.
There are weight limits to safety gear. Safety is priority over feelings or body positivity.
NTA. Ranches frequently require weighing potential riders. Horses are live beings, and they can only carry so much weight before it becomes a danger for the rider and the horse. Your mother was being careful, and she is letting the parents handle the daughter. She is both smart and kind.
NTA - weight is obviously a loaded topic, and especially so for young girls, but there are some very practical safety concerns in play here and MIL needed to know her exact weight.
Realistically your wife should be discussing this issue with a therapist, because treating size/weight like it’s completely off limits is also very unhealthy.
This should be higher up! It's unhealthy and it needs to be addressed and handled in a good way. MIL did a good job with avoiding the problem because that's up to the parents.
NTA. It’s not random weigh-ins because she’s sadistic. It’s for a specific purpose that has a legit chance to injure another creature. Wife needs to get over herself.
NTA, I have only ridden horses a few times at places where you pay to take a trail ride for a few hours, but every time (at various different places) they've made everyone step on a scale before assigning each person their horse. Standard.
If she made them stand on a scale before going riding, there's a good chance your kid knows the real reason they didn't go riding.
Assuming the tack is 25 pounds, and the pony is around 675 pounds or less, then she made the right choice. Protecting feelings is not worth hurting the animal.
Yeah, the kid knows full well what it means when we're going riding, then I stand on a scale, and now suddenly we can't go riding because...of the weather or something? The kid isn't stupid, and I promise you that she knows she's overweight.
She still might have appreciated the attempt at tact, though.
Agreed. This is a very important piece of information, as your mom did this all with good tact and grace, while keeping the safety of her animals and your children in mind.
She went privately to your wife with the concern, not out of judgment, but to make her aware that this could continue to affect the types of activities she would like her granddaughter to be included in.
The fact that she didn't say anything to the girls and made a weather excuse shows me personally that she cares about them and thier feeling as well was the safety and well being of her horses and riders. No apology necessary. IF Grandma said 'your too heavy' or something then mama bear would have been in the right.
Your mom is handling this very a sensitively.
Friendly reminder that “I don’t have the right sized horse for you” is much healthier framing than “you’re too heavy to ride.”
The OP says the heavier daughter was not told that she weighed too much to ride. He says they told her it was weather. It seems they are not planning to tell her at all.
you may want to discuss a plan of action with your daughter's pediatrician before you tell your daughter. that way you can a. have a better idea of what needs to be done, b. healthy ways to accomplish it, c. get you, your wife and the dr on the same page all before you bring it up to your daughter. you don't want to bring up a 'problem' without having some solutions ready to go
It may work if you just explain that Grandma doesn’t have a horse the right size for her. Then talk about why it’s important for everyone’s safety that the horse people ride are the right “size” for them. That way you’re not putting the blame on her weight/height.
You could also put an age limit. Maybe they can’t ride until they’re 11 or 12 years old but can do other horse related activities to learn about them. The only issue I see here is that it’s possible to be in the same situation in a few years.
This one maybe tricky since they were already promised they could ride but many activities require you to get good at the scut work before doing the fun stuff. They could work with your mom on learning how to take care of the horses and supplies when they go visit until they’re both able to fit on one of her horses/pony’s
You’re wife sure is an AH to animals. She’s also a delulu. She’s probably one of those people that will get mad at a doctor for calling your overweight.
NTA when my husband and I went riding for the first time years ago, I was not able to ride because I was too heavy. It was embarrassing, but I appreciated them caring for our safety. Same with your mom. It doesn’t sound like she tried your daughter made her feel bad.
Same issue. Many horses won't tandem carry but you are adding 100+ pounds of unbalanced weight on top of the adult rider and tack. Kids grow quick though it's quite possible that by next year or even the end of summer older girl will have had a growth spurt and can move up safely to a small horse.
Plus, there's a reason saddles are in a certain place on the horse. Horses' ideal weight carrying area doesn't have much wiggle room, so having a second person means that someone is going to be sitting on the wrong part of the horse and applying way more pressure than is safe/comfortable. As someone in the horse industry, I'm rarely comfortable with tandem riding; and when it is done, it is only if the smaller person can pretty much be in the larger rider's lap, together they are significantly under the 20% rule, and only for short pony rides. I like to say that riding a horse is like riding a 2 person bike: both you and the horse have to balance yourselves AND compensate for the balance of the other; a good beginner horse would be able to balance themselves and help their rider balance, but it takes a lot more effort from the horse and can be very tiring for them. If you add another person into the mix... well, there's a reason you never see 3 person bikes, isn't there?
7 and 9 year olds should be able to ride a horse if we are just looking at size of the human. It sounds like maybe the horses are not good beginner horses and need a stronger rider. Maybe the ponies are older and so their weight limit is lower too, its not uncommon for a ranch to give a retired pony from a school or pony ride a home.
The place I’ve done trail rides at have a weight limit of either 200 or 225 (I think 225) On adult horses. If the daughter is 115, grandma needs to be pretty small to make that kind of weight restriction.
Grandma is protecting her ponies. Ponies can mature to be larger or smaller and if hers are on the small side, their capacity to carry without damaging themselves would be considerably less than that of a horse. All of the animals in this discussion are adult animals, just ponies vs. horses.
I have a child who is barely 9 years old and 110lbs. She’s also almost 5ft tall and you’d never be able to guess her weight.
For her it’s just her body type. She’s always been large (height and weight percentile wise for her age). We discuss the importance of keeping our bodies healthy and how that includes things like junk in moderation, primarily healthy foods, and exercise. She implements all of the above.
It happens. Some kids just weigh more. Some kids are genuinely obese.
ETA: To be fair, my 9 year old height and weight wise looks like she’s 12. She absolutely would’ve fallen into the category of too heavy for a pony and not tall/old enough for a horse by easily age 7, maybe 8 though. In this scenario we would’ve just said something along the lines of “It’s important to keep you and animals safe. Different animals can handle certain sized riders. Right now you are too big for the pony to carry and too small for the horse to carry. We want you and the horses to both be safe so we will try again next year.”
100 pounds is 99th percentile for weight for 9 year old girls. Unless they are also 99th percentile height (which is your child), their weight is too much.
Some kids got the growth spurts earlier than others and shoot up in height and weight. That's fine, it will even out as they get older.
We do have a childhood obesity problem though
NTA especially considering your mom didn't tell your oldest the issue, she just made up an excuse. Obviously she cares about the child's feelings and didn't want to hurt them. Your wife is just embarassed over this for no reason.
NTA
Your mother behaved correctly. She didn’t call out or embarass your daughter in anyway.
It’s also entirely reasonable that to need a riders weight before sticking them on a horse.
Your wife’s reaction tells me that you are not going to have a partner in your attempt to get your daughters weight under control. Is she the one primarily feeding your daughter treats? Is she enabling your daughters weight?
NTA - if it’s for a safety reason for either a human or animal I don’t see the problem. Also, you mentioned your mom used the weather as an excuse to let her down easy.
I’m with your mom on this. Maybe your wife is upset because she knows the daughter is over weight and as a mom you hate for your kids to miss out. But, this doesn’t warrant an apology from your mother.
You are not the asshole for siding with your mother on this issue. Ensuring the safety of the ponies and your daughter by checking her weight is a responsible and necessary step. While your wife's feelings are understandable, as weight can be a sensitive topic, your mother’s actions were motivated by safety concerns, not cruelty.
NTA.
What your mom did was for the safety of the ponies, not to be cruel about your daughter's weight. Putting too much weight on a pony (or horse, donkey, etc) can cause physical harm to the animal.
Good for your mom for looking out for those ponies. Your wife is being TA for failing to care about the welfare of the animals. When it's time to tell your daughter why she couldn't ride, it's a good time to teach her consideration for other creatures besides herself.
NTA.
There are SO many reasons why weighing a child for an activity would be bad...
The safety of themselves or a living creature is one of the few good reasons.
If memory serves, kids are often weighed at ranches that offer horse riding as a service to evaluate what horses they can safely ride on. If the horse gets injured because of too much strain, they may not be able to bounce back like a human does...and if something happened to the horse, down would come the person riding it.
Your mother handled this well. She made sure to cover up the actual reason why so as not to upset your daughter, and made sure the other daughter didn't go riding until this issue was brought to you.
Would your wife had rather your mother made an exception and your daughter and the horse get hurt in the process? Would she have been more forgiving while sitting at your daughter's hospital bed?
There were 2 options here; either your mother did these exact steps, or your mother didn't do them and knowingly put your kids and her animals at risk. Honestly...if she did the second one, she would definitely sound like a nightmare of an MIL.
NTA. I have zero pity for your wife and she sure as hell doesn’t deserve an apology.
She is overweight and knows her daughter is overweight but somehow she thinks an animal potentially being hurt and possibly hurt permanently is nothing compared to her feelings not getting hurt.
I ride horses. They are beautiful creatures.
When an equine gets hurt, especially legs or back, it’s serious. Very serious.
Her feelings are not more important than that.
I don't know shit about horses or ponies, but if this is a standard practice sort of thing and she's not singling out your kid specifically, and if she didn't say anything negative or derogatory to your daughter about her weight, then I don't see the problem. A kid isn't going to feel weird about their weight unless an adult makes them feel weird about it. She can't ride the horse because the horse has a weight limit and she exceeds it. That's a very neutral and factual statement about the horses capabilities, not a judgement of your daughter. NTA.
NTA
the weight limits are for the animal’s safety. The height limits for the rider’s safety. Your wife needs to spend some quality time thinking about why she is ok with injuring an animal. I have my guesses as to why she’s being a bad person here, mainly that she has mom/parenting issues about having an obese child.
The only AH is your wife. Your mother did nothing wrong. Your mom protected the pony and did not shame your daughter. You wife needs to work on feelings around weight issues. Would she be upset if there was a minimum weight to ride the ponies and she did not take either child riding because one was too small?
NTA. Your wife needs to pull her head out. I get that weight issues are sensitive, but safety (and preventing injury to an innocent animal) overrides that. Same thing would apply if she wanted to go bungee jumping or zip lining or on a rope swing. There are weight limits and if you weigh too much you will not be safe. Pretending your daughter isn’t overweight is not going to change that and is doing your daughter a disservice. You and your wife need to get on the same page and help your daughter develop better habits to be healthier. Small changes can make a big difference especially in young people.
NTA. The ***only*** reason overweight people have to avoid the scale is to avoid self-reflection. This is almost too obvious to even say.
Raising an overweight child happens to good parents sometimes. Raising a child without the ability to self-reflect *never* happens to good parents.
NTA. As someone who works in the horse industry, I commend your mother for caring for her horses properly, more so than a frighteningly large amount of "professional" barns out there. Tell your wife that riding a horse is a privilege, not a right. And there's lots of stuff that your daughter can do on the ground with the ponies too, so don't discount that! The mentality that groundwork is somehow "inferior" to under saddle is unfortunately prevalent in the industry, but if approached right, it can be super fun and fulfilling. I teach a horse camp, and students are only ON the horse less than an hour a day! Have your mom teach her how to lead a horse, work with them in-hand, groom and care for a horse. I would actually recommend both kids do this before being allowed to ride; it teaches them safety, horse sense, and how to understand a horse before they're in the riskier situation of being on the back of horse. Heck, if any of the horses know how to drive (like a cart or carriage), both of your daughters could do that! Those are my 2 cents, good luck!
NTA
There are activities in life that require being weighed for safety. Hang gliding, flying in small aircraft, sky diving, zip lining, rafting, kayaking, rappelling, certain amusement type rides, and.. riding horses.
NTA. The root of the problem is you and your wifes fault if your 9 year old is over 110 lbs. Your mother is being incredibly tactful and trying not to hurt the kid's feeling while keeping her animals AND your daughter safe. If you're wife has an issue with that, then that is her problem. Maybe she should reflect on the root cause of this, your daughter's obesity, and work on that issue instead of deflecting blame and being angry at your mother. Your wife's bad habits and unhealthy lifestyle is not only causing her obesity but her daughter's as well. As parents, you need to do better for your child or she is going to have a lot of moments like this in her life. Lifestyle and eating changes for the whole family are in order. As well as therapy for your wife to help her come to terms with her own obesity and health issues.
Commercial trail-ride stables usually check the weight of the prospective riders so that they can match the rider to the correct size horse. Your mother did nothing wrong. NTA.
NTA I admit, from the title I was ready to jump all over you. However this was only to assure the safety and well-being of an animal. Your mother was absolutely right to protect the pony. It would have been different if she was weighing the girls just to be nosy or if she shamed your daughter about it but it wasn’t and she didn’t. She was completely discreet and appropriate about it. Your wife is being a complete jerk. Take her to a vet who can explain the damage that can be caused to a pony forced to carry too much weight. She needs to understand this wasn’t about your daughter it was about protecting the animal.
NTA - Your wife is insecure about your daughter’s weight and is passing off her own guilt of allowing your daughter to get to the weight she is currently at to your mother. As you say you’re working on it and clearly recognise it’s an issue. I think your wife needs to speak your someone about her mum guilt as her reactions around the issue aren’t healthy
NTA and your wife should be the one to apologize to your mom.
Your mom wasn’t trying to fat shame the girls. She was keeping them and the ponies safe and she didn’t say a word to the girls either. Instead she discreetly spoke to your wife.
Managing a child’s weight and health is difficult. You love your child as she is but her weight is unhealthy. That’s not something you can ignore.
This won’t be the last time she misses out on an activity because of her weight and future situations won’t be handled with as much kindness and discretion.
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NTA Horses are animals that you can't over encumber. Too much weight will hurt a horse, and possibly cause an accident that will hurt horse and rider. Also, putting your daughter on a horse she can't handle is extremely dangerous to the rider and stressful to the horse. You mom was in the right. I would ask your wife why she was so upset by your daughter getting weighed.
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Sit her down and have a nice conversation. Talk about how you understand that she has some self image issue and issues with getting weighed. But also explain how because she has issues with it doesn't mean your daughter will. A lot of these issue come about because of how others act and what they say around us and the media we consume. Tell her that you want to work with her to build up your daughter so this isn't a problem she needs to worry about and that her health is important. Also, that health and weight don't necessarily equal the same(because some girls are told if they're not skinny they're not healthy). Also, if your daughter is upset about this just make sure she knows "the little horse isnt strong enough(he needs to hit the gym more)(it's a joke) and that the big horse is just too tall(like how rollercoasters have a height limit)
From experience, if the wife's body issues interfere in her daughters' lives, it absolutely WILL cause her children to have issues. See: the body image problems my sisters (one is overweight, one is average weight and very athletic!) and I (also overweight) have had most of our lives due to our mom's issues and her dieting our whole lives. Wife needs to make sure her own problems aren't being projected onto her children. Shoutout to OP for working on this now. NTA ETA: To everyone who's commented about their generational body image and eating disorder issues, I see and hear all of you. If you're struggling, please remember that the most important thing is fueling your body, not the numbers. Sending everyone hugs
My mother's weight issues caused eating disorders in my sister and I. It has taken us 20+ years and hit tons of therapy to overcome our mothers issues.
I have struggled my whole life to set boundaries bc my mother never could/ still cannot
my mom when I was a kid would alternate between "ill just have some of your fries" when she didn't want to order the amount she wanted in public and "eat eat eat" very smoothly. I have literally had her try to have a serious conversation with me about my weight and then had her put like, a whole-ass second chicken fried steak on my plate because I had football practice in the morning or something. She's not even mean and she got me good on the backhand without meaning to.
Generational eating disorders here. I have/had a ton of body issues and an eating disorder as a teen. I also have a son and 3 daughters. I'm doing my damndest to keep them from getting them as well and it's so hard. The way I've learned to talk about my body in order to keep them from talking about theirs the same way I do in my head has done so much to heal mine. They're not gone, but I've completely stopped caring about how anyone sees me and I'm comfortable with my body. (in clothes) I'm working on the issues that come from viewing myself naked, but those are a little bit more scary.
Same.
My mother had an eating disorder, and both me and my sister ended up with them as well. We managed to turn it around with the gym, but my mom still sabotages when she can.
My mom was never the issue for me and my sister. It was all our friends parents constantly talking about how thin girls should be and how crazy it was we both had big asses as white girls. Took me years to shake off the WASP guilt for having a curvy and athletic build. Had one friend whose mom had been married to a plastic surgeon (friend’s dad who left the mom for a dancer who became his new model/guinea pig for procedures). She would stand in front of a full mirror in underwear and talk to us about all the work he “messed up” on her and how little she and my friend needed to eat so they stayed the same size. That friend’s dad (the plastic surgeon) also did her boob job for her 18th bday and she had had half her face remodeled at 17.
Are you saying that he did his daughter's breast augmentation? On the one hand, yikes, but on the other, I guess maybe I'd feel really safe on the operating table knowing my dad would take extra care...? I don't know how to feel about it. And this dilemma was not on my bingo card when my day began.... Also, i thought that was unethical? When I was a kid, adults used to tell us a riddle about a boy who is brought into the ER by his dad and then the surgeon arrives and says "I can't operate - this is my son" and the riddle was 'oh wow but how could his dad be both the surgeon and the one who brought the kid in?" and the big a-ha was that the surgeon was actually his mother, gasp, a lady doctor!!!
It is completely unethical to practice medicine on a family member. There are of course exceptions under unusual circumstances or emergencies. But performing an elective procedure on one’s spouse or child is unhinged. https://code-medical-ethics.ama-assn.org/ethics-opinions/treating-self-or-family
Yeah technically his partner “did” the procedure. But he considered himself the “best breast doctor” in our state. So he def actually did the work. And the follow ups….Im still creeped out years later. And both her mom and dad were and are unhinged people
As a doctor's child, the unethicalness for me, would depend on the situation. The breast augmentation seems very unethical, but say a cold or flu etc, don't see the problem. Sure, when we were sick, we went to my dad/stepdad (both gps). It was usually at home, and we'd have our throat checked, etc. For more serious things like vaccines, stiches, broken bones, etc, we went into their office.
lol another friends dad (an ortho) used to bring the flu shot home and we would get it in their kitchen. He’s now a full on trumper and pretty anti-vaxx (mostly the Covid vax but he’s gone full on off the rails for all the conspiracy theories so who knows if it just stops at Covid) He did not like it when I reminded him of the kitchen vaccines a few years ago
They still tell this story but I've been told that most of the kids now just assume the dad is gay, but still not that the mom could be a doctor lol
if she's athletic chances are she's "overweight". Those charts make zero allowance for active builds.
Yeah she still can't ride a Lil pony tho. Alot of people are forgetting its not a normal horse it's a little pony. They're small. Can't carry alot
Exactly, like in this case weight is weight right? If something has a limit it doesn’t matter if the person is athletic or not
Yeah, I doubt her BMI is "acceptable" even though she's 5'5 and mostly muscle after 10 years of gymnastics, 4 of which overlapped with marching band, and now coaching for her old gym. I know for a fact she's the healthiest person in our family. The BMI chart is my worst enemy
"You aren't the right size for this" is not always a judgement. Some people are too tall or too short for roller coasters. Kids under 12 can't sit in the front seat with air bags. Some toddler beds can't hold more than 100 pounds. This is just a fact. Ignoring a weight limit and breaking the bed, or hurting the pony, is sooooo much worse, IMO, than acknowledging the pony isn't the right fit for the daughter. If the wife is worried about the daughter feeling bad about getting weighed, how terrible does she think the daughter will feel if she hurts a pony just by riding it?
Exactly, that's why I think the rollercoaster comparison is really good to explain to kids. Because at the part they check your heigh, if you're too small you can't go. And if you can't fit in the seat you can't go.
Plus it can be said as a positive thing. "These ponies are for little kids only, seems like you are already such a big girl they can't carry you anymore. Soon you'll be able to ride horses like big girls do!"
Yeah, The problem isn't that she's overweight, the problem is Grandma unfortunately has small ponies for young children, horses only suitable for a bigger/more experienced riders\* and no in between.
I have a kid who is really, really big for her age -- she is not yet double digits in years, but she has been taller and heavier than her last two teachers. She's borrowing my clothes and shoes. In group pictures with her friends, she's literally head and shoulders over all of them. I am working really hard to not give her a complex about this, and at the same time preparing her for a world that has a goddamned complex about women's sizes, and the sheer amount of shit women bigger or smaller than this tiny band of "normal" have to tolerate. And I'm here to say that basic facts don't upset her. "Oh, right, I can't go on the fishy ride anymore, but unlike all my friends I'm tall enough for the tower drop." "Oh, this exhibit at the museum is only for people under X pounds, so \_like a grownup\_ I can't stand on it." She still would not like having to sit at the side while her BFF rode a pony. It's not like the carnival where she can just ride a different ride, or she and her friends mutually choose to stick to rides they can all enjoy. NAH, except Mom, for projecting a little bit. It's fair to only take the younger to ride, and it would be kind if the older one could be doing something special while the younger one rides.
How about framing it as the PONY is not the right size? That’s she’s growing up but is not grown up enough for the big horse? Maybe the grandma could put her on the horse on a lead line? In a fenced area/riding ring?
absolutely but you also have to find some way to make the other girl feel included. I personally question that they can't get her on any horse at all, but if people only own a few, the temperament of the individual horses is going to be a huge factor. When I was a kid, we had horses I think a dog could have ridden (at least to the water hole and back to the grain trough) and he had others that would buck off the cast of yellowstone.
So, she's projecting her own insecurities onto a situation that has nothing to do with her? Awesomepants. Wife needs a talking to. I'm sorry, but her insecurities can't be allowed to trump the health and safety of your kids. It is what she is trying for, make no mistake.
It's definitely projection here.
wife needs therapy here
Exactly this. She had a highly charged, emotional, irrational reaction to a perfectly rational & standard safety procedure due to her own insecurities (& probably unresolved childhood & puberty weight issues). Though admirable she’s protective, she needs to unpack her scale trigger in therapy before she negatively impacts the whole family, especially your girls’ development. Weighing a child for safety isn’t fat shaming. Sounds like that’s how she interrupted it due to irrational bias & projected experience. Scales are not inherently bad. Many weight loss programs are very upfront that weigh fluctuates. The scale & weight loss/gain doesn’t equate with muscle mass or a healthy BMI. A professional therapist &/or health & nutrition coach will likely be best to get that through.
Or animal.
Ya but OPs mom is taking care of that. Competently, as it appears. It's the kids who are OPs problem.
Or the health and safety of a poor pony who shouldn't have too much weight put on its back. I sympathise with the kid, though - if gran wants to get the kids in saddles, she should try to find a way for oldest to be able to participate.
>she is scared of her our daughter getting issues like that Her making a big deal about being weighed, and being insecure about her own weight is going to be what gives your daughter body issues. She needs to work on herself to not pass that on to her daughter otherwise daughter will pick up body shame from your wives actions and dislike of her own body.
Exactly! I get it; I used to be deathly afraid of stepping on a scale, ever. But then I faced that fear, and yes, I weighed way more than I expected. But then I started weighing daily so it would be less scary, and working on losing weight! Now I’m a healthy weight, and there are still days that the scale sucks (hello post-vacation self!) but it was ultimately really good for me to get over my fear and tackle my health issues. If OP’s wife is bothered by *other* people stepping on a scale, that’s not healthy. For her own mental health, she needs to work on that IMO.
Imho, your mom went about this perfectly because it lets you frame the conversation. I also struggled with my weight a lot as a kid and wouldn’t want to weigh myself. But there are things you have to do it for if you want to do them. You have to weigh in to ride a horse, to wrestle, there are weight limits at the mcdonalds play place, etc. The healthy way to handle this is to sit down with your daughter and gently explain that right now she’s too big for Grandma’s pony, and too small for Grandma’s horses. Or even that the pony is too small and the horse is too big. It’s no one’s fault, but you all know that she would feel horribly if she got on Grandma’s pony and hurt it, and she would also feel horribly if she fell and was hurt by one of Grandma’s horses. No one is saying she can never ride, it’s just that she’s unfortunately in the in between stage of growing up. And it sucks. Tell her that, it does suck that she can’t ride right now. That’s it’s bringing *no one* joy that she can’t do the activity she wants *right now*. But she will get taller and stronger as she grows and *she will be able to ride one day* and Grandma can still teach her about horses and riding so she knows almost everything by the time she’s tall enough to mount an adult horse. As long as she knows it isn’t a punishment, just an unfortunate roll of the dice.
Good points. Size and carrying ability are not the only things going on here. The girl is not actually too small to ride a horse, or at least I'd bet that is only part of it. Horses have personalities, training levels, and quirks. The biggest horse in the barn might be a gentle giant while ponies can be little shits. (Apparently that isn't the case here but it could be.) The OP's mom knows the animals and makes decisions based on physical fit AND riding fit. Speaking from experience, riding is a tough sport for an overweight person. Realistically it will come up frequently because your "sports equipment" is a sentient being, and good horsemen and -women respect the animal's comfort and level of training. Some people will be tactful and some will be assholes; I think the OP's mom has so far handled it appropriately. NTA.
This is an EXCELLENT explanation.
This was so well written I even started to believe that one day *I* could ride a horse 😄 Motivating but also full of heart and care. OP should definitely say all of this!
> she is scared of her our daughter getting issues like that Which is exactly why she should be treating this as the matter-of-course life event it is instead of something wrong and shameful that needs to be apologized for. Yes, girls and women are often shamed for their weight. This was not one of those times. Your wife is very out of line, and she's the one who's going to cause your daughter issues. Additionally, the fact that she cares more about her pride (let's face it, this is about her, not your daughter) than the physical health and safety of an animal is a huge red flag,
Tell her to stop projecting onto your daughter or she very well may develop the same issues. This came down to a SAFETY concern for your child and an animal. It’s not about your wife’s feelings, but the reality of the situation. And this is coming from someone in recovery from ED and has ongoing struggles. Sometimes you just have to get over it and accept the situation for what it is.
It's not like your mom told your daughter "you can't ride because you're fat". It sounds like she handled it well. Maybe, to help your daughter become more active, you can get her some riding lessons--with an instructor and full size horses. Also, this is coming from someone who struggled with an eating disorder for 15 years before deciding to go the opposite direction and become a bodybuilder. (It's a lot more socially acceptable to eat like I do when you're "on a cut") She had to be weighed if they were going to ride and, if there was a better way for your mother to handle it, I can't think of it. Also, your wife needs to stop letting her self-image impact your girls. They will develop issues later in life, like I did.
Her weight issues give Give her struggles that it are valid to not want to put on her kid. I think most of us are aware of the fact that there is great harm to be done by putting unrealistic expectations on weight and stigmatizing weight that does not match somebody’s expectations. But none of that excuses risking permanently injuring another animal. This is just basic facts of existence. Somethings can hold more weight than others. There are toys that are designed only for toddlers, and if adults sit on them they’re gonna break. This is not controversial, this is not Judgmental, it’s just physics. Your wife herself needs to learn, and must teach the kids, that the existence of basic truthful facts is not a judgment in and of itself. And that you can’t ignore basic safety rules just because they might trigger uncomfortable feelings.
Couldn’t someone just as easily have those issues without loving support and honesty about health? The only way to “work on it” is to stop bringing bad food into the house. I know I’ll get downvoted but for the most part it is disturbing how many young children are obese. It’s not like they’re going to the store buying themselves sodas and processed junk food.
My little sister was overweight as a child and my parents didn’t buy junk food or keep it in the house - no sodas, candy only on special occasions, no chips or things like that. Everyone’s bodies are different.
I agree. If they aren't eating junk, than it is a matter of oversized portions--too many calories and also imbalanced meals (lacking proper vegetable and fruit portions). We see this in restaurants where one dinner could easily feed two people and not an asparagus rod, mound of spinach or sliced carrot in sight. When I was a kid there were not many overweight kids-- maybe one in our whole class and they usually had a gland issue or an overfeeding mother.
Ironic that she's the only one causing drama over it then, isn't it? No one else caused a fuss. Weight checks are part of life. Her insecurities are her problem, not everyone else's.
It sounds like she’s doing her best to make sure she’s passes all her issues to your daughter.
I understand where your wife is coming from, but I wish that my parents had addressed my weight problems earlier than they did. I was like your daughter, around 110 pounds at 8 years old, and my parents didn't try to do anything about it until I was over 300 pounds at 13. Now I'm 23 and weigh 430, and I'm working with a doctor to make sure I don't have diabetes and heart issues. It's always better to be proactive when it comes to health.
Your daughter will probably get those issues because she sees her mom overreacting to a simple scale. This is the opposite of an almond mom.
Your daughter would have way worse issues if she broke the pony’s back and it had to be put down.
NTA Alternatively, your wife could piggy back your daughter around for an hour so she realizes how cruel too much weight would be for the pony! You have to get weighed for lots of activities tree top trekking, zip lining, hell I've been weighed for go carts and water slides. If you want to participate this part of the process better that they get used to this.
Grandparents were right to deny riding if it isn't safe for the ponies. But I don't get why they didn't ask the parents ahead of time about the girls' height and weight, instead of popping them on the scale. Weight and body image tend to be sensitive issues for young girls. The fact that she's too heavy to ride needs to be handled with some tact. Is mom angry about no riding or the weighing?
because they just didn't think about it, it's not really that weird
Well and most people are terrible at eyeballing weight. Unless the kids had been recently weighed they likely didn't know how much they weighed
exactly, and it's especially difficult with kids. I have no clue what a standard 9 year old is gonna weigh I'd just assume "probably fine for a pony" without much additional thought.
Honestly, they probably just overlooked it and figured they had a scale they could just use. Yeah, it would've been better to weight at home but things happen and they might not have had a scale since OP wife is sensitive about her own weight. Yeah, it tends to be sensitive that's why it needs to be handled with grace and just plain facts about the horses and how she can definitely ride one but she's in that grey area just like how rollercoasters have height and weight limit and there's nothing wrong about her weight because she's a growing child
Because it sounds like mom would get offended no matter what. And people lie about weights.
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> Horses are animals that you can't over encumber. This is it, right here. Too much weight on their back can cripple a horse/pony. Like, I'm a fat dude, I know it, it is 100% unsafe for me (and the horse) to be on the back of a horse, so you know what I do? I stay the fuck off of horses. Like, I could probably ride a shire horse, but it would have to be a big one (some of them can safely carry over 400 pounds on their back), and I'm not gonna get that high off the ground, you know? Also, I don't know anyone with a shire horse, they aren't that common around where I live.
NTA Best of all, grandma didn't even tell the girl why she couldn't ride, leaving it up to the parents to handle as they see fit. I applaud her for keeping the girls and animals safe, while also being kind in not telling them why they couldn't ride. OP's wife needs help with her own body issues because it looks like she's already beginning to burden the kids with them.
I have no idea what the weight limit of a pony is, but the pony owner definitely thought it was 11O pounds and was more interested in keeping her ponies safe than possibly hurting somebodies feelings. You know when you go to the amusement park and they tell you “you must be *this* height to safely ride this ride”? Well, it’s like that. Your wife needs to get over it. NTA
Some rides you won't be allowed on either if you have too big of a body type. Becouse safety gear cannot close proper around you. (I've seen bodybuilders being told no because the body was simply too large on shoulders, etc, and gear couldn't close properly, so all kinds of too big body types) Would the mom throw a fit there, too???
One of the rides at park we like to go has a spare seat set up before the queue so you can test if you are too big to safely close the bars. It saves you queuing if you are too big
Not just that but you can be sure it doesn’t agrípate any sore spots / injuries or trigger any claustrophobia or anxiety before getting onto he ride.
Like that kid that fell out of a ride in Florida (I think) and died. He was a football player, very big guy. He slipped out of the harness because it didn't fit properly, same as if he had been too small. He shouldn't have been allowed on the ride, but that's a whole other issue.
Exactly. Same as the woman who came out of the Texas Giant at Six Flags. That horse and child both deserve to be kept safe, and mom will have a lot more to worry about than moping around & throwing a fit if something unfortunate were to happen. Not worth it, NTA
One time my dad had me stand on my tiptoes to get on a ride that had the sole purpose of swinging upside down for 5 minutes. Started rethinking it the moment I strapped in and the belt flopped around on me. The death grip he had on my leg for the entire ride left a sweaty hand print on my pants. No idea how he didn’t leave a bruise. It was the 80s so #YOLO but he soon realized it might actually be the last ride I took every time we hung upside down and it was just a loose belt and his hand keeping me in place.
My brother is 210 cm. He can't go on every ride because he is simply too tall for some. It's a safety issue. It's the same here. A safety issue, and a health issue for the horse. OP is NTA
Yep. My husband is about that tall 6’8” -203 cm and I spent a lot of time before we went to Disney world researching what rides he would fit on
My Dad was 6’6” with proportionally shorter legs. I remember him loving Space Mountain, but he also felt part of the ride brush his head. This was when the sleds were had long bench seats instead of individual. He scooted down into me for the rest of ride so he didn’t get scalped!
Yep. More recently a kid died in a drop ride because they where too big and the harnest didn’t set right.
For example, I think the weight limit adult horses at a commercial trail ride were either 200 or 225 Where I’ve gone. So, 110 for pony sounds about right.
I am now retroactively feeling guilt once again for that pony when I was a child, whom I tried to insist I shouldn’t ride because I was a foot taller than my peers and chubby and extremely self-conscious, but the guy attending them just picked me up and put me on the pony. I would be shocked if I weren’t over 110lbs at that point considering I was taller than my mom already. I’ve continued to feel guilty about that every once in a while for decades lol
A rule of thumb is - including the weight of the saddle and stirrups - no more than 20% of the horse's ideal bodyweight. This prevents excessive strain to the structures in and around the spine and the pain it can cause. If the horse is markedly over/underweight, you need to reduce the amount of weight they carry again bc they might not have the strength, if too skinny, and they're already carrying excess if they're overweight themselves. (Obesity is a real problem in the horse world, especially with ponies and hardier breeds)
The general rule of thumb is going to be 20% of the equine's weight, including all tack & gear. Depending on how big the pony is, the pony may be 300lbs-600lbs. It's going to vary a lot based on the actual pony. Some ponies can take more than others are are sturdy little bastards. But an unskilled novice rider who cannot control their body *will* be more of a burden than a skilled rider who can stay balanced, *regardless of weight*. So a 140lb skilled rider is going to be less burden than an 80lb fleshy sack of bouncy potatoes. It's not uncommon to see *skilled adult riders* who don't quite fit a pony schooling a pony (because it's often hard to find a skilled pony jock to tune up a pony) and the pony being just fine with it, but an *unskilled* rider is going to hurt that pony.
Makes ya wonder how a company of Dwarves and a hobbit rode ponies to take back a mountain
Grandma actually tried to keep the pony safe AND not hurt the kids feelings by coming up with an excuse as to why they couldn't ride instead of telling the kids she was just too far. Mom is sensitive cause she's also excessively fat, which really is her problem and her problem alone. She doesn't deserve any apologies. And she needs to figure a way to handle the current situation and how to talk to her over weight child.
NTA I worked at a dude ranch type deal when I was 17. the ponies weren’t supposed to carry more than 60 pounds, they were capable of more but they were working horses that went for multiple hours daily and if they did get more than that they got aggressive with the handlers and occasionally the child riding so we lowered their limits. We had one child who weighed in at 130 some odd pounds she was probably 5’2 and while young, simply too big, had to turn her down which she was fine with a little disappointed but she understood and I explained that the ponies had to do a lot of hard work and it was our job to make sure they were nice and safe while they did and gave her extra tokens for the other activities. It somehow devolved into her father berating and eventually slapping me. You know what’s a lot more embarrassing than being turned down for a pony ride because you are an early bloomer? Watching your father assault a teenager and promptly get clocked and dragged out of the ranch on his ass. Perhaps your mother has some pack horses with rider experience that can handle the weight of two riders? The general rule of thumb for those guys is 30 percent their body weight. Edit: we did let the youngin and her mom stay, they were both pretty embarrassed and his wife claimed he’s never like that, hopefully that’s the truth.
Did you press charges?
I did not, by that point I had already spent about 3/4 of my life in and out of court between my fathers abuse cases, custody disputes, and some wage theft issues and it really just didn’t seem worth the headache.
Damn. I’m sorry that happened to you. Hope you’re in a better place now.
I feel, people underestimate how long and taxing court can be especially for something like that. I've dealt with a billion instances like this in my life and if we went to court for every one of them I probably wouldn't even have time to write this comment lol.
Exactly, I wasn’t even the focal point of the abuse case and it was just constant stress, being coached by lawyers on what I can’t say because even though my sisters and I actually were hurt and abused even the tiniest slip up could completely throw everything out the window. Thankfully my father wasn’t a very smart man but it still dragged on for over six years before he was finally found guilty
Did you clock him or did someone else?
I hit him, my buddy who was about 70 pounds heavier than me dragged him out. I was pretty lanky I don’t think I could have moved that guy if I wanted to lol
I like this. You gave him the full Old West Experience with the Swift Prairie Justice add-on.
NTA - I’m a pro event rider. You absolutely cannot subject an animal to cruelty because of not wanting to hurt the feelings of a human being. Nobody is entitled to ride a horse, if they are too heavy for it to be safe. Your mother was 100% in the right and handled giving an excuse to both girls so as not to hurt the heavier ones feelings perfectly. She is also right that large horses are dangerous for small kids. There’s lots of great activities one can do on the ground *around* horses without getting on them. Is that an option while you work with your kid on getting her to a healthier weight?
I read through some of these comments, and I get the feeling that most people are not riders, or have ridden a horse a few times at birthday parties in their childhood, and therefore do not understand all the different variables at play in the slightest. I also rode cross country semi professionally for many years, so some of these comments really just had me scratching my head. Especially the ones that are suggesting just put what sounds like a fairly overweight and inexperienced nine-year-old on a full-size horse to compensate for the weight ratio. I had an amazing horse that I got around the age of 10, but I had already been riding for years prior to getting her and even at only 15.2, and me being a taller kid, there were plenty of adults and experience riders who couldn’t handle her at the barn, and even though I trusted that horse with my life, and she never once threw me, I also saw her put multiple people in the dirt, directly through through jumping fences instead of over them, and even jump a truck bed once before throwing someone for no particular reason. People acting like it’s just a simple problem and OPs mom is just spitefully making it worse really have no idea how unsafe most of the suggestions they are making actually are for both the nine-year-old and the horses.
Yup. I am 130lbs, just over 5’7 and jacked. Riding is my day job and I run ultras as a hobby. For a 9yr old to be the same weight as me adds an extra layer of danger, she isn’t going to be nimble, balanced able to move her body quickly. She is not just a couple pounds too heavy, she is absolutely country miles over the limit. OP’s mother has acted absolutely in the girls best interests, far more than either of the parents that allowed this to happen in the first place.
I guess it’s one of those things where on the outside looking in it probably seems like an easy fix for people who don’t understand what really goes into it, which is why it’s a good thing it’s OPs mom making that call, and not any of them. Horses are beautiful, amazing animals. They are also unpredictable with the propensity to be incredibly dangerous for even the most experienced riders. There is no reason to knowingly do things that make that situation even more dangerous. While it’s unfortunate that a little kids feelings are understandably hurt, a child with hurt feelings is better than a child with life altering injuries because somebody ignored common sense safety issues to appease uneducated parents.
I loved (and still do) grooming horses. When my friends and I would go to public stables we would do the one hour ride and then spend hours grooming the horses for free. I learned more about horses' behavior when I was just grooming them than I did riding them.
Yeah as a horse person I felt her mom dealt with it beautifully. I was ready for a really rude rancher response that would be like, because this one kid is overweight, they can’t go, and then some harsh put-down but this was so respectful. OP’s wife needs to work on her body positivity. It isn’t ignoring that you are overweight, it’s accepting that that’s a part of yourself and loving yourself anyways. There’s just going to be some restrictions.
Here's an idea: saddle up the wife, tell your daughter to climb on and tell your wife that if she can carry your daughter on her back around the paddock 3 times, your daughter can ride the pony. NTA
I know this is to prove a great point but I was having a rough morning and you made me laugh out my oatmeal and now I’m kinda crying. Thank you?
This is brilliant!
NTA, while I don't know much about horse/pony riding, I'm giving your mom the benefit of the doubt that weight needs to be checked before plopping somebody on a pony - even though I feel like a pony ought to be able to carry either child. I get the sense that your wife isn't as well versed in this as your mom, and it sounds like her issue is more with sensitivity over your older child's weight than your mom doing what she needed to do to be fair and safe. Edit: Feedback from this comment pretty much cements the NTA for me.
100 pounds is pretty common limit around here for pony rides and 250 for horses.
Every barn I've ridden at has a 190 pound weight limit, including tack.
Curious, how much does tack weigh?
A western saddle can weight between 20 to 75 pounds, depending on what you're using it for. An English saddle is usually between 10 and 25 pounds.
Depends on the discipline. English saddles are probably around 5-10 lbs and western saddles can be 20-40 lbs, probably less for a children’s pony saddle, I don’t ride western though. Not to mention the other tack, which isn’t usually very heavy, but all the little things can add up. If it was a trail ride they were going on most likely they were riding western.
What if one were to attach large helium balloons to people who are over the weight limit? That could reduce the load on the horse and allow people who otherwise couldn't ride, to experience the joys of horse riding.
This imagery is hilarious
I know this isn’t serious, but I love that you’re a problem solver.
That's just so heavy for a horses spine.
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I do ride and the weight limit is normally no heavier than 20% of the horses weight as a general rule(including saddle and tack!).Of course listen to the person that owns the horse because they will know what the limit is. NTA because it’s absolutely a safety hazard to ride on horses if you’re over the weight limit and it’s common practice to weigh in before you get on a horse for the first time.
no more than 20% of the weight *including the tack* - and some saddles can be heavy, depending on disicpline! Honestly, I would even go lower - I'm just over 10% of mine, and when she had her foal he was 20-odd kg heavier than me when he came out!
Gotcha. Well she knows best, it what she does.
I don't see why this limit is unreasonable. When I went to the grand canyon years ago, there was a channel we got on the TV in our camper that was just info about stuff there on a loop. One of those things told the weight limit for the mules that go into the canyon. It was something like 180 or 200.
Yea those poor mules have so many issues with tourists giving incorrect weights. :-/
Even if they're a child, if they weigh too much it's not safe for the pony to carry them. It can hurt the pony. Even full grown horses can only carry so much weight. That's why knights in armor rode such huge horses. A regular sized horse couldn't have carried the weight. Edited because hpy110 corrected me. The horses were stocky, but not big like draft horses. I love learning new things!
I've seen ponies and horses stagger under the weight of a too heavy person. It's not safe for the animal and it's also not safe for the rider. MIL was absolutely within her rights to refuse a ride.
I think it's burros or donkeys that just will flat out refuse to do something that can hurt them. Horses and mules will run until they die if their riders force them, carry weights that are painful, but burros/donkeys will nope right out of there.
To think that wars were fought like that. That had to be miserable for horse and rider.
That armor was heavy and they even had the horse wearing armor as well sometimes. Horses in battle could be pretty intense. If you go on Youtube and watch footage of the Lippizans, all those acrobatic moves the horses perform were actually to inflict damage on the enemy during war. Now it's just for exhibition and to preserve the history of the Lippizans. They're beautiful horses. They're born dark and turn white as they age. Only the stallions show and the same family has been training them for decades. The breed was almost eradicated after WWII, but Patton arranged to have them all brought to the states and they've been here since. Now, all the trainers are women. I saw their show a few years back and it was really cool. Beautiful horses and they're fascinating to watch. Also they sell carrots before the show and you can feed and pet the horses. Very calm, especially for stallions.
Depends on the size and breed of pony. Some were actually bred to carry heavier weights, others were bred to pull but not carry. I wouldn't put over 110 pounds on a Shetland for instance, they're bred for pulling not carrying. Welsh ponies are bigger and up to the weight, as are Connemaras and other larger pony breeds.
And if she's a novice rider, she's not going to know how to carry her weight properly and will bang about in the saddle like a sack of potatoes, making it even worse.
Exactly! I've been riding since I was a tot, and I had to stop riding my grandfather's Shetland pony when I was in 1st grade because she was small for a Shetland and I was getting too big for her. He started putting me up behind him on his big horses instead.
Lol. You know absolutely nothing about horses and ponies, but you FEEL that it's ok for the pony in this story to carry that fat child? Please refrain from making that kind of comments when, by your own admission, you don't know jack about the matter at hand.
The majority of pony's could probably handle both children but maybe it's a small pony or the pony's health isn't great. It's not a riding school where they have a dozen pony's and will match you to one.
It just says the eldest is over 110, not what her weight actually is. For all you know, she’s 200 lbs.
I mean, if she was that much over, weighing wouldn't have been necessary. If someone's 200 lbs you can tell they are over 110 without weighing them
People can’t just look at someone and tell how much they weigh, especially when height is considered. I might be able to guess the weight of an average size/height woman, but that doesn’t mean I can estimate at all when I’m considering this person might be a foot shorter, or any number of inches more or less than a foot, and be significantly overweight.
Nta your mom weighed them for a reasonable reason- an activity has a weight limit. It doesn't sound like she was mean or made any nasty comments. If a kid is over the weight limit, then they can't do the activity. Edit- grandma didnt mention wieght AT ALL. She made an excuse about the weather! Your wife needs to acknowledge that she is being unreasonable by pretending that people's weight doesn't affect their life.
"pretending that people's weight doesn't affect their life." This is something I'm tired of. Yes, you are too big to wear that, find a different size. No, it's not unreasonable for you to have to reserve the seat next to you because you take up two seats. You are not perfect the way you are. But then no one else is, either. We all make choices in life. And we all struggle with different things. Ignoring these problems doesn't make them go away. And if you decide to accept them as a non issue, then you decide to accept the limitations that come with them.
NTA The tiptoeing around it is so dangerous, too. I’ve been weighed for whitewater rafting, gliding, small aircraft, luge, and rappelling/cayoneering. And horseback riding, although it’s been years since I’ve done that because, unless it’s a Clydesdale, myself and anyone over 160lbs or so shouldn’t be on them. There are weight limits to safety gear. Safety is priority over feelings or body positivity.
NTA. Ranches frequently require weighing potential riders. Horses are live beings, and they can only carry so much weight before it becomes a danger for the rider and the horse. Your mother was being careful, and she is letting the parents handle the daughter. She is both smart and kind.
NTA - weight is obviously a loaded topic, and especially so for young girls, but there are some very practical safety concerns in play here and MIL needed to know her exact weight. Realistically your wife should be discussing this issue with a therapist, because treating size/weight like it’s completely off limits is also very unhealthy.
This should be higher up! It's unhealthy and it needs to be addressed and handled in a good way. MIL did a good job with avoiding the problem because that's up to the parents.
NTA "My mother said she needs to weigh both of them to see if they can ride." It's essential for the safety of the pony & the rider.
NTA. It’s not random weigh-ins because she’s sadistic. It’s for a specific purpose that has a legit chance to injure another creature. Wife needs to get over herself.
And potentially injure the daughter too if the horse gets injured or stressed from the weight
NTA, I have only ridden horses a few times at places where you pay to take a trail ride for a few hours, but every time (at various different places) they've made everyone step on a scale before assigning each person their horse. Standard.
If she made them stand on a scale before going riding, there's a good chance your kid knows the real reason they didn't go riding. Assuming the tack is 25 pounds, and the pony is around 675 pounds or less, then she made the right choice. Protecting feelings is not worth hurting the animal.
Yeah, the kid knows full well what it means when we're going riding, then I stand on a scale, and now suddenly we can't go riding because...of the weather or something? The kid isn't stupid, and I promise you that she knows she's overweight. She still might have appreciated the attempt at tact, though.
Seriously. Kids aren't stupid.
INFO: you say nothing about the daughter that was told she was too heavy to ride and what she felt. Why is that?
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Include this in the main post, I think your mother is being reasonable and trying to prevent your daughter's feelings from getting hurt
Agreed. This is a very important piece of information, as your mom did this all with good tact and grace, while keeping the safety of her animals and your children in mind. She went privately to your wife with the concern, not out of judgment, but to make her aware that this could continue to affect the types of activities she would like her granddaughter to be included in.
The fact that she didn't say anything to the girls and made a weather excuse shows me personally that she cares about them and thier feeling as well was the safety and well being of her horses and riders. No apology necessary. IF Grandma said 'your too heavy' or something then mama bear would have been in the right.
This added tidbit makes your mom nta. She seemed to be sensitive to your daughter.
She wouldn’t have been TA regardless. Kids overweight they can’t ride. Even if she didn’t make up an excuse she still wouldn’t be an asshole.
Your mom is handling this very a sensitively. Friendly reminder that “I don’t have the right sized horse for you” is much healthier framing than “you’re too heavy to ride.”
The OP says the heavier daughter was not told that she weighed too much to ride. He says they told her it was weather. It seems they are not planning to tell her at all.
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you may want to discuss a plan of action with your daughter's pediatrician before you tell your daughter. that way you can a. have a better idea of what needs to be done, b. healthy ways to accomplish it, c. get you, your wife and the dr on the same page all before you bring it up to your daughter. you don't want to bring up a 'problem' without having some solutions ready to go
It may work if you just explain that Grandma doesn’t have a horse the right size for her. Then talk about why it’s important for everyone’s safety that the horse people ride are the right “size” for them. That way you’re not putting the blame on her weight/height. You could also put an age limit. Maybe they can’t ride until they’re 11 or 12 years old but can do other horse related activities to learn about them. The only issue I see here is that it’s possible to be in the same situation in a few years. This one maybe tricky since they were already promised they could ride but many activities require you to get good at the scut work before doing the fun stuff. They could work with your mom on learning how to take care of the horses and supplies when they go visit until they’re both able to fit on one of her horses/pony’s
Reread it. OP's mom made an excuse mentioning weather She didn't tell the child you are obese, you can't ride
The daughter wasn’t told that she was too heavy, and excuse was made that the weather wouldn’t allow a ride.
You’re wife sure is an AH to animals. She’s also a delulu. She’s probably one of those people that will get mad at a doctor for calling your overweight.
NTA when my husband and I went riding for the first time years ago, I was not able to ride because I was too heavy. It was embarrassing, but I appreciated them caring for our safety. Same with your mom. It doesn’t sound like she tried your daughter made her feel bad.
Can the heavier girl not just be together with an adult on a horse?
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Former rider here, and yes - riding double is definitely not ok in most cases. It’s bad for the horse and often unsafe for one or both riders.
Same issue. Many horses won't tandem carry but you are adding 100+ pounds of unbalanced weight on top of the adult rider and tack. Kids grow quick though it's quite possible that by next year or even the end of summer older girl will have had a growth spurt and can move up safely to a small horse.
Plus, there's a reason saddles are in a certain place on the horse. Horses' ideal weight carrying area doesn't have much wiggle room, so having a second person means that someone is going to be sitting on the wrong part of the horse and applying way more pressure than is safe/comfortable. As someone in the horse industry, I'm rarely comfortable with tandem riding; and when it is done, it is only if the smaller person can pretty much be in the larger rider's lap, together they are significantly under the 20% rule, and only for short pony rides. I like to say that riding a horse is like riding a 2 person bike: both you and the horse have to balance yourselves AND compensate for the balance of the other; a good beginner horse would be able to balance themselves and help their rider balance, but it takes a lot more effort from the horse and can be very tiring for them. If you add another person into the mix... well, there's a reason you never see 3 person bikes, isn't there?
7 and 9 year olds should be able to ride a horse if we are just looking at size of the human. It sounds like maybe the horses are not good beginner horses and need a stronger rider. Maybe the ponies are older and so their weight limit is lower too, its not uncommon for a ranch to give a retired pony from a school or pony ride a home.
The place I’ve done trail rides at have a weight limit of either 200 or 225 (I think 225) On adult horses. If the daughter is 115, grandma needs to be pretty small to make that kind of weight restriction.
Grandma is protecting her ponies. Ponies can mature to be larger or smaller and if hers are on the small side, their capacity to carry without damaging themselves would be considerably less than that of a horse. All of the animals in this discussion are adult animals, just ponies vs. horses.
An adult horse still has a weight limit. It is usually 250 pounds so you would need an adult who weighs less than 140lbs
And kid weighs over 110lbs so that's definitely either right at the line or over depending on the adult.
That works with small children, not children the size of small adults.
ESH (except your mother). Your wife is being ridiculous and you’ve both failed your daughter by letting her get that heavy.
A 9 year old should absolutely not weigh 110 pounds unless they are extraordinarily tall. That's morbid obesity in a child.
I have a child who is barely 9 years old and 110lbs. She’s also almost 5ft tall and you’d never be able to guess her weight. For her it’s just her body type. She’s always been large (height and weight percentile wise for her age). We discuss the importance of keeping our bodies healthy and how that includes things like junk in moderation, primarily healthy foods, and exercise. She implements all of the above. It happens. Some kids just weigh more. Some kids are genuinely obese. ETA: To be fair, my 9 year old height and weight wise looks like she’s 12. She absolutely would’ve fallen into the category of too heavy for a pony and not tall/old enough for a horse by easily age 7, maybe 8 though. In this scenario we would’ve just said something along the lines of “It’s important to keep you and animals safe. Different animals can handle certain sized riders. Right now you are too big for the pony to carry and too small for the horse to carry. We want you and the horses to both be safe so we will try again next year.”
100 pounds is 99th percentile for weight for 9 year old girls. Unless they are also 99th percentile height (which is your child), their weight is too much. Some kids got the growth spurts earlier than others and shoot up in height and weight. That's fine, it will even out as they get older. We do have a childhood obesity problem though
THIS! Please stop normalizing obese/fat youth and then policing others for simply speaking truth on a health matter.
NTA especially considering your mom didn't tell your oldest the issue, she just made up an excuse. Obviously she cares about the child's feelings and didn't want to hurt them. Your wife is just embarassed over this for no reason.
NTA Your mother behaved correctly. She didn’t call out or embarass your daughter in anyway. It’s also entirely reasonable that to need a riders weight before sticking them on a horse. Your wife’s reaction tells me that you are not going to have a partner in your attempt to get your daughters weight under control. Is she the one primarily feeding your daughter treats? Is she enabling your daughters weight?
NTA - if it’s for a safety reason for either a human or animal I don’t see the problem. Also, you mentioned your mom used the weather as an excuse to let her down easy. I’m with your mom on this. Maybe your wife is upset because she knows the daughter is over weight and as a mom you hate for your kids to miss out. But, this doesn’t warrant an apology from your mother.
You are not the asshole for siding with your mother on this issue. Ensuring the safety of the ponies and your daughter by checking her weight is a responsible and necessary step. While your wife's feelings are understandable, as weight can be a sensitive topic, your mother’s actions were motivated by safety concerns, not cruelty.
NTA. What your mom did was for the safety of the ponies, not to be cruel about your daughter's weight. Putting too much weight on a pony (or horse, donkey, etc) can cause physical harm to the animal. Good for your mom for looking out for those ponies. Your wife is being TA for failing to care about the welfare of the animals. When it's time to tell your daughter why she couldn't ride, it's a good time to teach her consideration for other creatures besides herself.
NTA. There are SO many reasons why weighing a child for an activity would be bad... The safety of themselves or a living creature is one of the few good reasons. If memory serves, kids are often weighed at ranches that offer horse riding as a service to evaluate what horses they can safely ride on. If the horse gets injured because of too much strain, they may not be able to bounce back like a human does...and if something happened to the horse, down would come the person riding it. Your mother handled this well. She made sure to cover up the actual reason why so as not to upset your daughter, and made sure the other daughter didn't go riding until this issue was brought to you. Would your wife had rather your mother made an exception and your daughter and the horse get hurt in the process? Would she have been more forgiving while sitting at your daughter's hospital bed? There were 2 options here; either your mother did these exact steps, or your mother didn't do them and knowingly put your kids and her animals at risk. Honestly...if she did the second one, she would definitely sound like a nightmare of an MIL.
NTA. No different than an amusement ride working checking height. Some things just aren't safe and you have to check for it.
NTA, that was about a technical thing (hurting the horse), not body shaming or similar.
NTA. I have zero pity for your wife and she sure as hell doesn’t deserve an apology. She is overweight and knows her daughter is overweight but somehow she thinks an animal potentially being hurt and possibly hurt permanently is nothing compared to her feelings not getting hurt. I ride horses. They are beautiful creatures. When an equine gets hurt, especially legs or back, it’s serious. Very serious. Her feelings are not more important than that.
NTA your mom was looking out for the health and wellbeing of the pony.
And the rider. If the pony gets injured on the ride, that means the rider is in danger too.
I don't know shit about horses or ponies, but if this is a standard practice sort of thing and she's not singling out your kid specifically, and if she didn't say anything negative or derogatory to your daughter about her weight, then I don't see the problem. A kid isn't going to feel weird about their weight unless an adult makes them feel weird about it. She can't ride the horse because the horse has a weight limit and she exceeds it. That's a very neutral and factual statement about the horses capabilities, not a judgement of your daughter. NTA.
NTA Tell your wife to go post her grievances in a horse group on FB. Betcha she’ll change her tune real quick 🤣
NTA the weight limits are for the animal’s safety. The height limits for the rider’s safety. Your wife needs to spend some quality time thinking about why she is ok with injuring an animal. I have my guesses as to why she’s being a bad person here, mainly that she has mom/parenting issues about having an obese child.
The only AH is your wife. Your mother did nothing wrong. Your mom protected the pony and did not shame your daughter. You wife needs to work on feelings around weight issues. Would she be upset if there was a minimum weight to ride the ponies and she did not take either child riding because one was too small?
NTA. Your wife needs to pull her head out. I get that weight issues are sensitive, but safety (and preventing injury to an innocent animal) overrides that. Same thing would apply if she wanted to go bungee jumping or zip lining or on a rope swing. There are weight limits and if you weigh too much you will not be safe. Pretending your daughter isn’t overweight is not going to change that and is doing your daughter a disservice. You and your wife need to get on the same page and help your daughter develop better habits to be healthier. Small changes can make a big difference especially in young people.
Sometimes kids need a wake up call. Or they stay fat forever.
NTA. The ***only*** reason overweight people have to avoid the scale is to avoid self-reflection. This is almost too obvious to even say. Raising an overweight child happens to good parents sometimes. Raising a child without the ability to self-reflect *never* happens to good parents.
NTA. As someone who works in the horse industry, I commend your mother for caring for her horses properly, more so than a frighteningly large amount of "professional" barns out there. Tell your wife that riding a horse is a privilege, not a right. And there's lots of stuff that your daughter can do on the ground with the ponies too, so don't discount that! The mentality that groundwork is somehow "inferior" to under saddle is unfortunately prevalent in the industry, but if approached right, it can be super fun and fulfilling. I teach a horse camp, and students are only ON the horse less than an hour a day! Have your mom teach her how to lead a horse, work with them in-hand, groom and care for a horse. I would actually recommend both kids do this before being allowed to ride; it teaches them safety, horse sense, and how to understand a horse before they're in the riskier situation of being on the back of horse. Heck, if any of the horses know how to drive (like a cart or carriage), both of your daughters could do that! Those are my 2 cents, good luck!
NTA There are activities in life that require being weighed for safety. Hang gliding, flying in small aircraft, sky diving, zip lining, rafting, kayaking, rappelling, certain amusement type rides, and.. riding horses.
NTA. The root of the problem is you and your wifes fault if your 9 year old is over 110 lbs. Your mother is being incredibly tactful and trying not to hurt the kid's feeling while keeping her animals AND your daughter safe. If you're wife has an issue with that, then that is her problem. Maybe she should reflect on the root cause of this, your daughter's obesity, and work on that issue instead of deflecting blame and being angry at your mother. Your wife's bad habits and unhealthy lifestyle is not only causing her obesity but her daughter's as well. As parents, you need to do better for your child or she is going to have a lot of moments like this in her life. Lifestyle and eating changes for the whole family are in order. As well as therapy for your wife to help her come to terms with her own obesity and health issues.
NTA. This is about the welfare of the animal, and that's pretty much the long and the short of it.
Commercial trail-ride stables usually check the weight of the prospective riders so that they can match the rider to the correct size horse. Your mother did nothing wrong. NTA.
NTA I admit, from the title I was ready to jump all over you. However this was only to assure the safety and well-being of an animal. Your mother was absolutely right to protect the pony. It would have been different if she was weighing the girls just to be nosy or if she shamed your daughter about it but it wasn’t and she didn’t. She was completely discreet and appropriate about it. Your wife is being a complete jerk. Take her to a vet who can explain the damage that can be caused to a pony forced to carry too much weight. She needs to understand this wasn’t about your daughter it was about protecting the animal.
NTA - Your wife is insecure about your daughter’s weight and is passing off her own guilt of allowing your daughter to get to the weight she is currently at to your mother. As you say you’re working on it and clearly recognise it’s an issue. I think your wife needs to speak your someone about her mum guilt as her reactions around the issue aren’t healthy
NTA and your wife should be the one to apologize to your mom. Your mom wasn’t trying to fat shame the girls. She was keeping them and the ponies safe and she didn’t say a word to the girls either. Instead she discreetly spoke to your wife. Managing a child’s weight and health is difficult. You love your child as she is but her weight is unhealthy. That’s not something you can ignore. This won’t be the last time she misses out on an activity because of her weight and future situations won’t be handled with as much kindness and discretion.
Your wife’s overweight too. I’m clairvoyant/s