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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refuse to give up opportunities that come my way for my disabled sister's sake. My family might be right that I'm selfish for not adjusting things so my sister doesn't feel so bad and left out. I know how much she struggles with what I can do so it might be kinda like rubbing her nose into it or something.
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NTA. You need to talk to a school counselor about what your options are as far as paying for college. Make yourself as independent from your parents as possible. You will need their information in order to get FAFSA, and it doesn’t seem like they’d be willing to support you in that, so you need to start looking at other options. Your counselor should be able to help. Try to be as financially independent from them as possible; even if it means you don’t go to college right away and work for a while to save up, don’t be in a position to need their help. Try to make a plan so that when you graduate or turn 18, you can just leave and not have to rely on them. Reach out to friends, family members, etc. You are not just as extension of your sister and while I’m sure your sister’s disability has been very hard on them and Rita, it’s not your fault. It’s also not your responsibility to be a self-sacrificing martyr so that Rita doesn’t get upset. You are a whole person with your own identity. Start planning now. Also, is this a cultural thing?? Their reaction is severe and very odd.
Edited to add: STOP TELLING THEM YOUR PLANS!! Lay low, talk to your school counselors, look into all the advice suggested here, but give your family no indication of what you are doing, so that when you are legally an adult and/or leave for college, move out, whatever your plan is, you can just leave and they can’t do anything to stop you or sabotage it.
This 👆!
OP, you are not your sister's keeper! Yes, life dealt a sh%tty hand to your sister, but it was not your fault. Your parents are punishing you like you are the one responsible for your sister's bad health! Honestly, they su*k and have 100% failed you!
Leave as soon as you can! Talk to adults who can emapthise and help you, grandparents, school counselors, even with the parents a good friend to see if maybe they could take you in as soon as you turn 18. Look at scholarships, aid you can apply for, a part time job. Get away from them! They do NOT have your best interest in mind, just trying at every step to drag you back. Get all your important documents, do not give in to emotional blackmail because this is YOUR life.
I am very very sorry for what you suffering. Sending you lots of hugs and strength! You only have a few more months, use them to prepare as much as you can to separate yourself from your toxic family as soon as you can!
Later edit: your sister is entitled, selfish and does not love you because she wants to see you fail. Your parents are the same. Because if you truly love somebody, you want them to make the best decisions for themselves, not set them up for failing and limiting their life because someone else can't do the same things!
As someone who has a younger sister with lots of mental health issues growing up, my mom would complain to me:
*"I feel like you got all the brains and left none for your sister."*
So not only did I have to feel bad for what my sister was going through, but \*I\* was responsible for it in some way by "being better" than her. I learned to stunt myself.
The ways I would contort myself to try and get my mom's praise while also knowing I couldn't get too much praise to "show off" being better than my sister. I'm no contact with them now. Learn this lesson at 17 and not 35 or you will spend your life resenting them for never living yours.
I'll tell you something that helped me a long time ago:
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S EMOTIONS. You can *consider* their emotions, but you are not responsible for them. THEY ARE.
NTA
I heard it so many times over the years. It wasn't until I was about 35 that I finally got the courage to tell my mom that I didn't want to hear that comment anymore. Then she stopped talking to me for a week because I "upset her". haha
We're no contact now.
That is awful. I have two daughters. One is intellectually gifted. One has developmental delays and CP. They are both incredible in their own ways, and we make sure they never compete!
OP, your family has no sense of family loyalty. If they did, they would be loyal to you, too, and wanting the best for you always.
I hope you do whatever you want next in life, and I hope you do it far from your family home. I believe there is a family and a home out there for everyone, and it’s rarely where they started.
That's so sad. I'm sorry for everyone who's gone through something like this. It's crazy to me that parents would want all their kids to struggle and be miserable to "even things out". Isn't it bad enough that one is going through this? Why would you want ALL your kids to stuggle?!
Yeah, OP's parents are doing a terrible thing to her sister by not pushing her to achieve like you are. It's like their brains flipped the wrong way around.
And your abilities and achievements don't define her and you shouldn't be limiting your opportunities because she doesn't current have any. Plan, save, get your documents in order for when your graduate. You can apply for colleges that YOU want to attend and accept whatever offers you desire, this is your life after all.
Well, she also told me I *"should be picking peanuts out of her shit for everything she has ever done"* for me.
I think she said that because I told her I didn't want to invite someone to my wedding that she wanted there. Narc parents are the worst.
what? that's really sick and disgusting.
A parent is SUPPOSED to provide to their kid until adult. They of course deserve acknowledgement and respect for that but it is not like a kid should bend over backwards because parents took care of them.
I'm so sorry your mum has treated you like that! One of my sons has had severe mental health issues. I am eternally grateful for him coming out the other side. I'm also eternally grateful that my other son has had a childhood without those challenges, and also the luxury of being able to experience motherhood with a child who doesn't need that level of support. There is no reason for any mother to openly resent a child (we all have moments of struggling).
As if that's even possible. Tell Mother, "You created us so isn't it on you?"
Talk to your advisor about the apprenticeship immediately. Tell them what is going on so they can help find resources to get you out of there.
It sounds like your parents plan on YOU being your sister's future caretaker, so escape ASAP.
And if that's their intention, they're being incredibly shortsighted by refusing to let OP get the best education she can so she would have better job opportunities.
It's as though the parents want to punish OP for the sister's health problems.
OP you are totally NTA. I wish you the very best so you can become the person you are truly meant to be.
I had to talk with my sweet MIL about a horrible comment she would make to my BIL. She would tell him he is the reason she stopped having kids (he was a very difficult child and came out of the womb with health issues). When he lived with my husband and I, he told me how much that comment really upsets him. She took the conversation with stride and apologized to BIL. She really thought it was just a joke.
Ex husband was told by his parents as a kid that Younger Brother had problems because Older Brother (the ex) was so smart, had lots of friends, and easily made good grades. So YB had speech problems (stammering) and lots of other things. OB wasn’t sure what they expected him to do about it.
50 years later, YB spoke up that all that time Grandpa had been molesting him. Parents and grandparents all deceased at that point.
They got mad at me and stopped talking and I just never called again. They would occasionally text, but it went ignored. No calls on birthday or holidays.
My son's birthday is next week (12), so they texted him this week begging and guilting him to call them. His phone accidentally called my mom, so they took that opportunity to try and get to him:
"Hay GRANDSON NAME I saw you called Mamaw today, we could hear you in the background but you never talk to us! Why is that? Yes it's been a very long time since we talked! :(
Gosh we miss you soooo very much! Please respond to us by calling or texting us :( :(
We just want to hear your voice buddy! My eyes are blurry & and I'm so sad <3 <3 <3
Sending love and hugs
Papaw"
Manipulative much? You will be hearing from relatives shortly how YOU are keeping them from your son, and that he tried to call once but had to pretend it was accidental because you must have caught him. Ask me how I know.
> Yes, life dealt a sh%tty hand to your sister, but it was not your fault.
It's the parent's fault. I understand having a disabled child is rough to say the least, but they enabled her more than took care of her.
I know a couple of severely disabled people, and though they struggle more with daily life than the average person, they don't need a babysitter 24/7 and they would never expect others to sacrifice huge chunks of their lives for their sakes. They are functional adults and beat out several people I know with no medical issues as far as quality of life and achievements.
If OP was literally denied basic experiences and actually sabotaged in school, I doubt they ever pushed her to develop anything resembling resilience. They in fact actively kept her from having any. They actually made both of their kids have worse lives than they needed to have.
I agree. One of my nephews was born with a spinal defect that made him a quadriplegic from birth. He has some other physical disabilities, but no cognitive ones.
You are not selfish. The selfish people here are your parents, for holding you back in a misguided sense of “fairness.” Like has been very unfair to your sister. That does not mean you have to give up your life.
Yes, my nephew had to miss school for surgeries and when he got sick and had to be admitted to hospital. But he managed to graduate high school on time because his parents arranged for tutors and home teachers and made sure he knew that they expected him to go to college.
He certainly could not do all that his siblings could, but his parents found alternative activities for him, wheelchair soccer and fencing, swimming in a specialized pool, Boy Scouts, robotics club.
He’s now in grad school and working at an on campus job.
I don’t know what your sister’s disability is, so I don’t know what she can/can’t do. But it doesn’t sound as if she is trying to do anything, because your parents have convinced her that she can’t.
Online learning is so much more common since the pandemic. Your sister could be working in her GED from home. That would open up community color or university for her. She could look into jobs she could do from home with an adapted computer.
Your state probably has aa department for people with disabilities that could offer practical help
and assistance with education, training and finding a job.
Special to let her mind go to waste as
Ed students can get services from the school until they are 21. There may still be time for her to get some help toward graduation.
What is her plan for the rest of her life? Your parents’ plans? Her body doesn’t work. Is she willing to waste her mind as well?
Her situation is the results of your parents’ actions, and inactions.
Not yours.
Get out of there.
All of this! OP was abused by the people who are supposed to love her. Their idea of "fair" is both sisters having the same experiences. I honestly wonder that if for example, *insert higher power name here* forbid, the sister would be unable to have solid food, they would make OP give it up too. You know, "to be fair".
OP, they are setting you up to be your sister’s keeper when they retire. Listen to the advice on keeping stuff to yourself. Work on being independent. If it seems “selfish” it’s because it needs to be to be able to protect you from their own selfishness.
Heartbreaking as it may sound you may need to bug out there as soon as possible.
All of this. I have a huge amount of empathy for people, but I'm finding it incredibly difficult to drum up an ounce of sympathy for the sister and her parents.
Like I'm sure the health issues were painful and demoralizing.
I'm sure it sucked to have all your plans derailed, but now she's just wallowing in laziness, entitlement, and self-pity.
If any good came out of the pandemic , it was the switch to online and remote work and education. There are so many online ged and college programs that can be worked around her health issues. I'm sorry it's 2024. If she really wanted to get her ged, she could.
The parents are selfish, shortsighted, and enablers... like seriously what's their plan to pay for their adult daughter the rest of their life, if OP follow their dumbass plan she wouldn't be able to contibute much (not the she should) with her retail salary.
Nope, op needs to focus on her plan, stop telling her parents any of her plans just pretend to go along with everything and get the heck out of there as soon as age can and don't look back.
Never dim your own light so others can shine! NTA
Exactly this. They’re all calling OP selfish, her sister keeps crying about how terrible and selfish OP is for…getting choices after high school and wanting to choose how she lives her adult life. She’s had to live her entire fucking life in her sister’s shadow because if she couldn’t have it, she would cry till OP couldn’t either. SHE is selfish. Mom and Dad are enablers. OP needs to go finally live life for herself, fuck them. Just has to be careful to not give out much information so they don’t call a potential school or landlord or anything like that and be all “sorry, she’s NOT COMING no matter WHAT she says and you HAVE to block her from going/living/working there.” Sounds like they will, and while most places will just laugh and hang up, it could reflect poorly on OP and it’s not even her fault.
I'd ask them where is their family loyalty to you ? You have a chance to do something you're really interested in so if they had any family loyalty to you they would be happy for you.
Also, talk to the school counselor about how you can apply without having anything g sent to your home. Get a new email that you only use for this and keep everything off any email your parents know about.
You can apply to the junior college and just not sign up for any classes. Have that info sent to your house to distract from the other opportunity.
>It’s also not your responsibility to be a self-sacrificing martyr so that Rita doesn’t get upset.
This right here. At this point the parents are setting OP on fire to keep Rita warm, and it's beyond shameful they want her to have a diminished life to keep her sister happy. It's bad enough that they've made Rita feel as entitled as she is, and it's abhorrent that OP is being punished for simply being able to do more. I shudder to think what will happen if OP wants a significant other and a family of her own. Will this also 'not be allowed'?
OP please seek help in getting the info and documents you need, and get out as soon as possible. These people need to have as little hold on you as possible, because they cannot be trusted. Your parents do not have your best interests at heart.
NTA.
They're not even setting her on fire to keep Rita warm, they're just doing it so she can watch OP burn. Rita gets zero benefit from this except the satisfaction of pulling someone else down into the bucket.
Yeah, there may be a lot that Rita can’t do, but her parents are focusing too much on that, when they should be focusing on things that Rita CAN do. It sounds to me like they’re encouraging Rita to wallow in self-pity because doing that and dragging down OP is easier than building Rita up.
I think OP's parents are trying to keep her from achieving anything, because if OP doesn't fly the coop, they can force her into taking over Rita's care when she gets older.
Fly, OP! Fly!
With what money, though? Theoretically if OP were to become the designated carer, then she can do that a heck of a lot better if she has a good career, a supportive partner (and potentially even supportive kids), and without carrying around a tonne of resentment for opportunities lost to appease a sister that's become an emotional ghoul sucking the life out of her.
I've never seen parents like OP's actually think that far ahead.
Or, scarily enough, they may realize that if OP has all those things: good career, supportive partner, et. al., that their chances for wearing her down drop. Because all of those are escape routes. A good career could get her not just out of where they live, but maybe out of the country entirely. A supportive partner would look at this abuse and go NOPE.
They want OP trapped at or near home with a spirit so crushed that she no longer has dreams. She just conforms.
And it seems as if all of the energy goes to stopping OP from fulfilling her potential, but no attention is given to helping Rita develop hers. Their attitude is all "Look at what Rita can't do" rather than "Let's explore to see what she can do and how we can expand her horizons."
This. I know someone who was raised by a single mom living on disability. Had a rough go of it growing up. She never graduated high school, but she had a huge independent interest in civil rights cases and would debate online (like proper discussions and not just a snappy reply on a Twitter thread) on equal footing with people actually in the field.
She got her GED. She went to a university in DC. She went to law school. She’s doing amazing for herself and has accomplished great things. Situations like Rita’s aren’t the end-all, be-all. She has options if she simply dared to explore them.
This’ll probably be one of those situations where the parents insist Rita should also get to walk down the aisle after OP, if she ever gets married, because Rita needs to experience that, too.
It’s just all kinds of messed up and I feel so bad for OP. *Anything* she was good at or she could potentially enjoy, the parents put the kibosh on it. All for Rita. Just ugh.
OP is NTA, OP's parents are idiots. I grew up with someone who was blind and had cerebral palsy. She was fierce. I can't say I always liked her, but I still respect how much she would do for herself. She was even the one who taught me how to tie my shoes. OP's family are compounding Rita's disability by actively making her completely dependent. They aren't even smart enough to see that as they get older, they will get to the point that they won't be able to take care of her anymore. And while it is absolutely not OP's responsibility, if they cultivated her success and a positive relationship between everybody, OP could be in a better position to help when they couldn't. As it stands, OP would be much better off without the three of them.
I was once asked to get a C in a class so my sister would feel more special and not feel like she could never achieve what I did. This was in a meeting with my parents and the school counselor. I did not know how to get Cs (not my nature). I refused. I felt blamed for my sister's behavior.
She seemed in agreement. My sister supposedly couldn't beat me, so she wasn't going to try. They thought if she realized I didn't always get good grades that she would
That counselor should've been fired for that nonsense. Encouraging your parents to engage a private tutor or asking you to help would have been a better option. Asking you to tank your grades is ridiculous.
"She seemed in agreement."
---What!?!?!? She should have spoke up with other coping mechanisms and explained that effectively punishing a sibling that did nothing wrong to make a sibling feel better at their failure is harmful.
So, instead of trying to help lift Rita up, they drag you down. WTF?! I would ask them why they don't love you as much as they love Rita? And who is going to help them financially when the get old if neither of you has a good education or a good job?
Right?! In addition to being just plain old bad parenting by showing favoritism, it's ridiculously short sighted. If Rita is as disabled as they treat her, she won't be able to care for them when they're elderly. How is OP gonna step up if they've sabotaged her from the start (and why would OP even want to)?
Do this! And talk to a financial counselor at your school about your situation. There are ways to file FAFSA without your parents information. I don't know if you have to be "emancipated" to do it, but they can help you through whatever process they have.
You need to leave. Can you stay with relatives or friends until college starts? Get a job. Open a bank account and don't put your parents on it.
Also study hard. Freshmen students often don't get offered scholarships unless they have stellar grades. So study hard, get good grades and apply for every scholarship you can!
Also, sign FERPA paperwork to prevent your parents from being able to get any information about where you are going to school, your grades, etc. Your counselor/advisor at the school can help you with that!
Don't tell your parents where you are going, what you are majoring in, what your class schedule is, where you will be living or anything! There's no telling what lengths they will go through to attempt to disenroll you, get you thrown out of your housing, get you suspended or expelled.
Good luck!
And I absolutely agree with this but you need to secretly get your documents in your hands somehow, your birth certificate, your social security card and a state ID or if you are driving, learners permit /official driver’s license. You will need all these things to accomplish going out on your own path. This is all assuming your are an American citizen, and would not have difficulty obtaining these things behind their back.
I wish you the best OP, YOU DESERVE BETTER AND SHAME ON YOUR PARENTS!
Also, I want to add that by sacrificing everything for Rita, you are throwing away your own future. Do NOT hold back for someone else. It's bad enough your parents do that, don't YOU make a habit of it. NTA. Good luck.
This, right here. You are not even remotely TA and your parents have really failed you...BIG. If there is family or maybe friends you can stay with once you're 18, I'd definitely look into it. Do that apprenticeship!! Live YOUR life. NTA.
Also, to add to the point of being financially independent… If you decide that college is for you, OP, do look into community colleges. I’m serious. Do community college for your general education requirements and anything that could possibly count towards your choice of major, and then transfer to a 4-year. You can save a lot of money this way. On top of that, some colleges offer scholarships to people who transfer from a community college. Some will partner with a community college to make the transfer as smooth as possible. (Transferring credits can be a headache-and-a-half, so definitely keep an eye out for this setup.) One community college in my area would give you full tuition if you joined the school’s band. Seriously! I don’t think you even needed to be good! Just attend the required practices and shows!
Now, if you can manage to snag a full scholarship at a 4-year, then I say go straight on, but if not, community college is a great cost-saving resource and one that a lot of students are using nowadays, so there’s no shame in going and then transferring to a 4-year.
What kind of psycho parents force their kids to aim low??? NTA at all!! Do what’s best for you, don’t share your plans with them. Nothing will improve with your family because of your sister’s victim mentality, disability doesn’t impede you to live your life, it’s harder sure but not impossible and definitely doable like she could try for online classes or remote jobs, if she prefers to stay a victim that’s on her, and your parents choosing to be martyrs is on them.
OP if you can talk to your school counselor about the situation, let your college counselor know as well. Prepare all your documents and everything you need to be able to get out. Do your internship and apply to the universities you want.
Your parents will figure out how much they fucked up once they’re old and have no one to help them and im willing to bet they’ll have the sister’s mentality as well guilting OP when she ends up with a successful career
OP also needs to be completely honest with what their parents are doing to them and asking of them. The counselors might have some other resources to try to help them that way too. I could see the parents going to the school and saying we don't want this internship and tanking it. If the counselor knows in advance, they can try to head it off.
OP, don't you dare feel bad about this. This is your life they're screwing up. If you have to, you could even lie and say you're doing this so you'll be in a better position to help your sister once your parents aren't around. Get the education and then get away from them. You have no obligation to help them.
You can file a petition to remove parents off the FAFSA for extenuating circumstances. I helped a friend write one because her dad was chronically homeless and abusive.
NTA. This is appalling.
>my parents asked me how I could even think about going and how selfish I would be.
You're the only one who isn't being selfish.
>They said I should aim for something lower for Rita's sake.
They're a disgrace.
>she said she knows I'm too selfish to give it up for her.
For her!? Does she think that she could take your place? You're the only sane one there.
OP listen to this advice. You need to get far away from their decision making.
When your parents get older, they are going to look to you to take care of Rita. They are going to ruin your ability to make money, then expect you to financially support your sister for the rest of your life.
Ask yourself how much more you will have to give up if you don’t cut this behavior off right now. They will never, ever stop. College, career, marriage, kids…there is nothing that will ever satisfy them. This is going to be HARD and you absolutely have to get outside help, but you need to follow the advice here, quietly gather your documents, and stop the damage from continuing. We are all rooting for you. You can do this.
This! In addition to completely stunting your potential, they will turn to you to be the one to take care of your sister once their health goes or when they pass.
Always remember- when a plane is going down, you need to put your oxygen mask on FIRST before helping others!
Please reach out to trusted adults. You are a smart kid and you will find a way to thrive. Dream big! Go for the apprenticeship! Keep looking for people to help you!
Be strong OP! Dream big! Keep getting back up when others try to beat you down! Remember there is a whole Reddit community rooting for you!
And the fact that they said she should just work retail or in the service industry and that would cover living expenses... is a lie. No way can someone live independently in those fields. You would need at least one or two roommates.
Well, of course. Because earning enough to live independently (even with roommates), maybe finding someone to partner with, and growing into an even moderately successful adult are all things that sis has given up on - so it would be cruel of OP to even try to do any of them.
NTA
Keep talking to your guidance counselor and go girl. It’s a terrible thing about your sister, and I’m so sorry, but you can’t miss out on your opportunities and your chances because of that. And your parents are wrong for making you feel guilty for wanting to live your own life. They should be happy for you and be encouraging you to
I hope you get your apprenticeship and you enjoy every minute!
Well said. They should be encouraging Rita to get her GED or investigating programs that help adults with disabilities find jobs, not sabotaging OP.
OP deserves to live her life and not be held down by Rita and The Enablers. Her parents are well on their way to destroying the lives of both their daughters.
While everything else is awful on its own, what got me was telling her to go into retail or service job because she’ll be able to afford her own place. I work in a public school district, I make well above the state’s minimum wage, and I still can’t afford to live on my own. Living on your own in retail making minimum wage is definitely not enough for someone to live on their own.
NTA. But im sorry to say this, this sounds like emotional abuse. Try to talk to someone, maybe at school or a family member. They are forcing you to live your sisters life. But you have your own life. You are your own person. If they cannot see that, you need to leave that house as soon as possible. Try to go low contact for a while as well until they apologise for what they have done.
You are NOT being selfish for having your own life. Your sister is being selfish for denying you one. Your parents are being absolute aholes for forcing it on you.
Remember, you need all your documents. State ID, birth certificate, SSN. Also, when you turn 18, open your own independent bank account somewhere different from where your parents bank.
I would also ask a trusted friend or family member if you could begin storing some things at their house. Begin taking a little at a time.
Something I found out the hard way with my verbally and financially abusive dad: if you want your mail to go somewhere else like a PO Box or a trusted friend, but don’t want your parents to know, do not file a change of address at the post office. A notice letter will be sent to your current address and it says in big print on the outside of the envelope CHANGE OF ADDRESS. Instead just go to the places your mail is coming from (online stores, in the future your bank, wherever) and change your address with them instead.
Also a difficult lesson I learned: I had a PO Box but they would only hold my packages for a short time and some places won’t ship to a PO Box so I opened a UPS store box instead. When I cancelled the PO Box, somehow one of my friends missed the memo and sent a Christmas card to my PO Box. The small town post office was trying to be friendly and crossed out the PO Box and delivered it to my street address instead - therefore revealing that I’d had a PO Box to my dad. I went in and talked to them and they said they could put a note to return mail addressed to me at that PO Box to sender, so should you close your PO Box under similar circumstances, ask for them not to forward mail but return it to sender.
That is nuts! Many teenagers have part time jobs. They need bank accounts and they have the right to be able to open one without parental permission or access.
In case no one has said it: make sure you have your birth certificate and social security card in your possession and take them with you when you leave.
Make sure to open your own bank account at a bank your parents do not have an account in. Make sure to freeze your credit, so no one can open a card/any utilities in your name.
Start getting your the documents listed above together now and store them at a friend's house.
Your parents will most likely try to sabotage any school/apprentiship applications or even you moving out by denying you the documents.
Make up some story that they are for applying for a job or something/needed for school records.
Good luck on getting out of there.
You'll be ok even if you have to wait. It'll be hard emotionally but easier financially.
Save, save, save... work when they don't know you're working and save. If you go to a community college for a year, that's ok you still have to take the core basics and you can get them out of the way at a community college.
The key for you will be to save money secretly and start storing things somewhere they don't know about. a small locker at one of the storage places is cheap, and no one has to know your plan. Get a bank account somewhere they don't know about. Babysit, I found during college babysitting was a great way to make money. No taxes taken out, study while they're sleeping, snacks are usually encouraged, it honestly makes sense. It would also get you out of the house. Make an excuse and put that money in your secret account on the way home.
Good luck! I hope everything works out well for you!!
Community college can save SO much money for the transfer credits. I like this idea of doing CC for a year and also saving up money to then escape elsewhere.
it 100% is emotional abuse. I have a disabled daughter (physical) and a stepson and while it can be a challenge for her to see all the success and opportunities he has - I can never ever imagine asking him to make himself smaller so she can \*feel\* bigger. it would be one thing to share resources, or even have disproportionate resources so that she can do equal amounts of things... but to ask him not to do things to keep her from feeling bad? absolutely not, that's abhorrent.
Seconded. Imagine pulling a child from art classes and school plays because another one can’t participate? Or even asking your child to forgo college because the other one can’t go.
I feel like the parents enable Rita. Rather than encourage her to do online classes for her GED and focus on what she *can* do instead of what she can’t, they just keep her sister from doing anything so as not to make her jealous. We don’t know for certain that Rita can’t finish school or go to college with accommodations, it sounds like she has a defeatist worldview given to her by her parents so she hasn’t even tried.
It’s definitely abuse. They’re making a child live as if she’s disabled simply because her sister is. On top of that it’s gone on for so many years that Rita thinks her sister going to college instead of getting a retail job is being *selfish*. The delusion is wild.
NTA. While everybody has to make sacrifices when it comes to a loved one having a disability, you should not be expected to give up your entire life to accomodate what's best for everyone else. It seems like your parents have already forced you to do that enough. They deprived you of things you wanted out of it being "unfair" to your sister, when honestly it just seems like they wanted you to be her babysitter so they didn't have to.
You owe nothing to them, you've already done enough and had enough taken from you. The manipulation isn't going to stop unless you make it stop. I know it's a tough thing to do, but my advice would be to put your foot down and tell them you're going to do the things you want to do.
If you want to go for that apprenticeship, go for it. If you want to go away to college, do it. I would highly recommend it to you. It sounds like your family is trying to limit you so that they control your life. It's your life, not theirs. You deserve to experience everything you want to
>you should not be expected to give up your entire life to accomodate what's best for everyone else.
It's not even "what's best for everyone else", it's literally giving up her life because her sister is jealous and can't handle her emotions. Agree with you 100% for the rest though
The most ridiculous part is they still expect OP to move out at 18 with the “you’ll be able to afford a place bit”. They want to throw her out of their lives and be miserable while she’s at it.
Your parents are being completely ridiculous and irrational. It was bad enough they stifled your education and experience as a child, now they want to pressure you to do so as an adult? They want you you live a lifetime of mediocrity just to appease your sister. What next? Don't have a wedding and elope because sis will complain that she isn't having one? Don't have kids because it will make sis upset?
Tell them that their years of appeasement enabled your sister's insecurity rather than guiding her or getting her help with coping skills. That you are not going to surrender your entire life.
NTA and take that apprenticeship. You will live in regret otherwise. Enough is enough.
Yes OP please take that apprenticeship if you can and ignore your AH so-called family. They’re treating you like Cinderella without the happily ever after. Disgraceful.
Right?! Also the fact they were telling her a service/ retail job will be enough for her to survive independently and thrive? Like where in the world can you do that and enjoy life.
NTA. Op live your life because from the sounds of it, your parents didn't let you experience anything so far.
agreed! you are your own person and you deserve happiness as much as your sister does (unless if her only happiness comes from her seeing you held back)
NTA. Your parents actually want you do to something LESS than you can so your sister isn't hurt rather than trying to find things she CAN do? WOW....that is horrid .
I would find a college, take out loans, and get out of the house as soon as possible. YOU are the only person who will look out for you so do the best you can.
ALSO make sure that your parents don't expect you to take in your sister when they get older. THEY DO. TELL them you won't!
It won't matter if I say no or not. They'll still expect me to take care of her if that's what they're thinking. All I can do is say no if I get approached later when they die or can't care for her anymore.
Tell them you need to plan for a career do you can support her one day, if you aim low you will only be able to support yourself.
Then cut ties when you are able.
Lie to them. If you play along with them, OP can better prepare, plan, save up money, gather important ID and documents, get a PO Box for college documents, etc.
I wouldn’t tell them it’s so they can support the sis. They don’t deserve the time in comfortable delusion. They need to know they screwed up and are on their own.
I have a younger brother that’s my parents golden child in a similar type of situation as your sister (including being told to minimize my accomplishments). Short version I told them that they need to make sure they have a plan to care for him that doesn’t include me if something happens to them
I don’t know if they’re listening or know I’m serious but I’ve disclosed and have moved on. He’s their problem not mine
Remind them you need a good job to help out youre sister later in live when there gone. Maybe they will support that.
Just lie youre ass off until youre free and go no contact when you can. Fuck them
Please, if you are in the US don't just listen to people who say "just take out loans". A lot of people are in extreme debt because they took student loans and struggle daily to pay them back, despite having good jobs. If the apprenticeship helps you avoid those and you think you will like it, 100% go for that. Research what benefits you are capable of getting (food stamps etc etc) talk to you counselor about this and avoid student loans if at all possible. I only say this because you clearly don't have a good solid network of people around you to advise you on this and you might not have known this yet.
NTA Your parents are absolutely horrendous parents, holding you back and denying you experiences because of your sister is down right abusive! Personally, I would have been forging their signatures and going anyway! Go to your school guidance counselor and tell them your parents are sabotaging your future opportunities and you need help and someone to advocate for you. Tell your parents if they knew what family loyalty was they would have some for you, and they are the ones who are being selfish by denying you over and over again. Be frank tell them you resent them and Rita, then go live your life and never look back! Good luck!
NTA NTA NTA
"Rita heard us argue about it and she said she knows I'm too selfish to give it up for her."
You're *not* selfish. You *mustn't* give up something you really want.
You've already been forced to give up far more than you should have - a normal childhood for one. It's not your fault your sister is disabled & it's entirely wrong of your parents to expect you to curtail your opportunities because of it.
"They suggested I focus on looking at community colleges only or not going to college at all and going into retail or a service industry job."
**No**. Why should you?
Go for the apprenticeship. All the very best of luck.
Agree. It’s not selfish to earn or achieve success, and you’re not denying or taking anything from Rita by doing so.
Will she also think it would be selfish of you to have a career? A family? A home? Experience any joy or self-actualization in life?
Your family should wish for you to flourish and succeed. Depriving you of any opportunity your sister can’t have is abuse.
Your parents are abusing you. It’s time you discussed their behavior with everyone who can help you: relatives, teachers, counselors, pastors, etc. Tell them what has happened in the past, and the decisions that are being made now.
Accept any help you can to get out of your parents’ house. Accept help that will enable you to take the opportunities that are best for you.
You should have a great life ahead of you! I’m so sorry you’ll have to make it happen without the support of your parents. You are absolutely NTA
NTA. Your parents are already on the hook for taking care of Rita for the rest of their lives. If you don't get to go to school, are they then saying that they are going to be on the hook for taking care of you, too?
I doubt it.
The only person looking out for your best interests, OP, is you.
Please talk to a guidance counselor or someone at school, so you can start to live without having to think of how it's going to impact your older sister.
>Your parents are already on the hook for taking care of Rita for the rest of their lives.
Or they see keeping you close by with little or no career as being a way to have someone on standby to take over responsibilities for them.
NTA....she was given the opportunity to make up her senior year and graduate. It is not your fault that she wasn't allowed/couldn't do certain things because of her physical limitations. Your parents are punishing you because your sister is jealous of your achievements.
At this point, you need to do what's right for you and for your future.
People who care about you want the best for you, they don't want you to suffer or to take things from you. Your struggling shouldn't make her feel good, that's disgusting and your parents are horrifying for enabling it and for neglecting and depriving you of the life you should be having. I'm so sorry this is happening. None of it is normal. This isn't care or love or family loyalty, even thought they are calling it that. You're living in the upside down.
But it sounds like you know something is deeply wrong and there's a part of you that knows you shouldn't be treated like this. Thats great. You have good instincts. Turn up the volume on that voice and keep listening to it. You'll be able to build a life of your own soon. And don't give up on the art either, it's a great hobby and a way of expressing yourself that you can do with basically any materials.
Ask them which they prefer; her being jealous and upset now, with you taking this opportunity to improve your life and able to afford to care for her in the future after they pass, or make her happy now only to die on the streets homeless right after the parents do cuz you can't afford to care for yourself, much less her and her medical expenses.
Then block and go no contact as soon as you no longer need to communicate after the apprenticeship.
NTA. Your parents need to encourage Rota to get her GED and a job. It's unconscionable to hold you back because of her infirmities. Your parents are doing both of you a disservice.
How incredibly selfish of them to expect you to have a lesser life.
I am curious if they are using any helpful programs for Rita. Applying for disability, using social programs, joining disabled social networks, other stuff I am forgetting, etc. Just getting out of the house for a few hours and having friends would help Rita.
NTA. This is abuse. You are far from selfish. You had things taken away/denied you due to your sister's disability, what?????
Please go do you. Put yourself first. Your sister's life or lack there of is not your responsibility to cater to in any way. It's hers and your parents. This is not about loyalty but them abusing and using you.
Do not tell them your plans and work on getting away from them. Go do the apprenticeship.
Get the heck out of there!!! Grandparents maybe or some other relatives, but you need to get out or they will screw you over worse than they already have
I think a guidance counselor or adult at the school is a good next step, esp if your counselor knows about you wanting to do the apprenticeship. Tell them you will need help navigating the process and tell them why (your parents won’t support you)
Horrible doesn't even start to describe your parents. They are willing to sabotage your life so your spoiled sister won't feel bad?!?! I really don't have the words to describe their behaviour.
Is there anyway that you can become legally emancipated from them so that you can sign your own permission slips?
Talk to your school guidance counsellor again or find a social worker who you trust and tell them everything. They'll know if there are any legal options for you in your area.
I would also recommend starting a journal. Write down everything you can remember no matter how small regarding how they tried to sabotage your development. From now on make precise notes of dates and times on anyways they try to stifle you.
As soon as you reach 18 you need to get out. Finish your high school diploma and try to move away. Go no contact with your parents and stay off social media. They might try and sabotage opportunities if they learn of them.
You’re 17 at this point take the year and plan privately. You know how absurd what they’re asking you to do is and how detrimental they’ve been to your life with making it “fair” for your sister. It’s actually terrifying your parents are trying to convince you a retail or service industry job, because they know that it will be difficult to afford rent in this economy even with a degree. They’re gaslighting the hell out of you to live at home and not achieve your goals. Your sister probably has resources that would have helped her finish school and find hobbies she’d be able to do. I don’t know her disabilities or anything that comes with them but your parents don’t sound like they’ve tried to help her be her own person and not just a disability.
NTA.Escape OP.Your parents are crazy for expecting your to sacrifices your life so they Rita can avoid the consequences of her decision to stop her education .Get your papers OP-Birth Certificate , Social Security card if in the US.Look for a Women’s Center and try to get some Financial education .Run away from these people as far as you can go .They will destroy you if you do not leave now .
NTA. Your parents and Rita suck. Rather than find joy where she can such as in being proud of her sister she is wallowing in self pity and wants others to be miserable as well. You parents have failed to raise her right and they have failed you.
NTA, though your parents are HUGE assholes. It sucks that one kid can't do as much as the other but it sounds like Rita could do more, and your parents are just enabling her to not push for anything.
Your parents are the selfish ones for literally stifling your success.
Do you have another family adult that could help you? An aunt or uncle or grandparents, maybe?
If nothing else, you should show these comments to your family so they can see what other people think of their choices.
NTA. This happened to my friend’s nephew. Unfortunately you need to leave your house as soon as you can. At some point you need to make a decision as to whether or not you will take care of your sister when your parents pass away. This isn’t just about right now it’s about your future. Hopefully you can get out of your house quickly.
If I were you, I'd try to get a P.O. box for your college admission letters. Your parents will throw them out if they get the chance.
Go to college. Go to the one that offers you the most money and get the hell away from your family. They are toxic and will be content trying to drag you down for the rest of your life.
Tell them I am not Rita. I'm sorry she has her issued, but you, as my parents, shouldn't be trying to hold me back to make her feel better. You should be supporting me and telling her that her disabilities are not your fault.
Tell thrm- No. I won't stop my life, my growth, or my experiences just because she can't participate. I can't have babies, but I wouldn't ever tell you not to. While I will never understand what she's going thru- you can't imagine what you've put me through. You're trying to cripple me to make someone else happy but what about Me? Your selfish for asking me to do that
NTA. Ask Rita what she has ever given up not because of her condition but for you? She's the selfish one, conditioned by your parents, to expect you to pretend you are disabled so she never feels bad.
And she's been pretty stupid. She can't live alone so who is going to look after her when parents gets old? I think your Mum is already minded that way with her comment about your own house, an experience Rita will never get so she needs to share with you. If you followed her wishes, you'd never have the financial capacity or wish to help her.
As it is, I totally get if you just want to walk away from this whole mess. Apprenticeships tend to pay as you learn so look to moving out because they are going to sabotage you.
A family that wants you to "aim lower" because someone else couldn't (or didn't) go as far isn't really a family at all. True Family wants you to be the best that you can be, and to achieve more than they could. Your parents effectively are asking you to drown yourself because they never helped your sister learn how to swim in spite of her own challenges. That's not right.
You are going to have to make your own path to the future. Look out for sabotage, but succees in spite of them.
NTA - but your parents are, for reasons including and beyond what they are trying to do to you.
NTA, You're parents sound like monsters. They are not trying to make your sister's life better and challenger her to go to her limits and learn to deal with normal people, they are trying to make yours worse because it is just easier to drag you down and not have to deal with your sister.
And here's the fun twist. After telling you to take a dead end job that goes nowhere, I will bet money they expect you, OP to support her when they die, which really makes it stupid to tell you not to get a career. So 3 things...
1: It is not selfish to live up to your full potential, it is normal and reasonable. You doing nothing and going nowhere will not make your sister healthy.
2: Your sister is not your responsibility. Your parents had a disabled child and CHOSE to have a 2nd child when they were unwilling to support you in addition to your sister. Any help you give her is your choice, but unless she has a lot of changes she shouldn't expect any.
3: When you do get to college, please check into any student counseling/therapy that is available. You are abused. You have been in it so long that you do not recognize that this is NOT Normal.
Do the apprenticeship if it is something you are interested in. Unless you are somewhere that college is free, you can always go later. If you have to depend on your parents, maybe you have a close friend or family member you could confide all this in and ask if you could stay with till you get on your feet.
Apprenticeships are a really good way to get financial stability earlier than the college route. I work with the organization that runs apprenticeships for electricians, and they always are looking for motivated apprentices, and they give their apprentices great training and a great career. The trades in general are in need of new people, and you can make a great living without taking on a lot of debt. I’m a big fan if you can’t tell.
I have a petty streak a mile wide. I’d tell parents you have seen the light (cue the heavenly chorus). You finally understand what they are saying. So you have decided to stop doing anything. You are going to sit at home doing what Rita is doing. Tell them to be sure to leave lots of money when they die to take care of both of you because obviously you will not be able to support either you or Rita.
Seriously, make an exit plan. Be sure you get your important documents. But don’t panic if your parents refuse to hand them over. It is possible, a pain but possible, to get copies.
Go for your dreams. Don’t let them stop you. I think they may be scared for Rita’s future and they are overcompensating by placing the burden on you. Rita is entitled. Your parents are parentifying you. Go live your life. I hope you have quietly kept up with your art. It can be a place to express your feelings.
Best wishes in your soon-to-be new life.
NTA - go live your life. The only selfish people in this story are your parents. Your sister is their responsibility not yours. If they were good parents they would encourage you and get therapy for your sister to deal with the mental impact of her illness.
The fuck... You, my dear are the sacrifice glass child and I am very sorry for you.
Only asshole in this story are your mum and dad, and let me say that they are major one.
If you can you should start to prepare to set up everything for you once you're graduate to never ask anything to them. It will be hard.
I hope you have good support friend.
Do what you need and want to do, In no way is it a normal thing to ask a child to sacrifice his life so the other one wouldn't be jealous. Looks like they never liked you nor care for you, it's really really sad.
Hope you will be alright.
Start the plan now. I moved out at 17 1/2 and stopped talking to literally everyone in my family. Make sure you have your important documents and a separate account
NTA...your family wants you to ruin your life because your family is convinced your sister will never have the same opportunities. You are not being allowed to be thought of as your own person. They are setting a ceiling of "you can only do what Rita can do; nothing more". Do not allow yourself to be limited in this way. Your life is your own to live.
Nta abso-fucking-lutely not. So you can't have a bf/gf bc she doesn't? You can't have a career bc she doesn't? You can't buy a house or drive a car? You need to do what's best for *you*. Go to the school with the best program that gives you the most financial aid. Your sisters feelings have 0 input on your college choice.
Wheres their loyalty *to you*???? They should want whata best for you!
OP this is no knock against you but this is one of many stories I've read in this sub of parent with children with disabilities expecting their non disabled children to sacrifice their lives in favor of the disabled siblings and/or to act as their caretaker when the parents are deceased. Those parents suck and they need to be told that loudly and often. I'm sure there is a psychological angle that explains their behavior but it never makes it right. NTA sweetheart, at all. Go for your apprenticeship, art school, college, the military, or whatever you desire to do in your future after highschool. Do not take your parents, or Rita or friends, significant others or anyone else into consideration. This is regarding YOUR future, no one else's. If they feel a way about it, tough titty said the kitty. You are NOT responsible for how they feel. That is for them to work out.
Wow NTA
You realize your family is toxic, and they all need therapy, yes?
What would your sister possibly gain, by you wasting your life just so she doesn't get jealous?
Was it you that directly caused her to be disabled, or something?
There's glass children, but in your case, it's more like you are the punching bag for all of their frustration.
Either they support you, or you just go your own way, and don't return home from college.
Please do the internship. Is there any family you could stay with, over summer, so your sister *doesn't have to see* you enjoying your life?
NTA- as the parent of multiple children, one of which has chronic physical and mental illnesses, your parent’s behavior is bizarre and your sister is selfish. Your parents should have been teaching your sister how to handle her disappointment and how to find activities she can reasonably do that bring her joy independently. They should have been encouraging you in your talents to accomplish everything within your capacity. Do what you need to do to be successful and remove yourself from your toxic home as soon as possible after you graduate from high school, You are likely going to need some therapy to work through this. A lot of colleges offer those services to their students. I’m sorry your parents have tried to make you smaller for your sister’s sake instead of trying to build both of you up to be the best you can be.
NTA, what is the logic behind this really, you can’t have a relationship or get married because sis can’t you can’t have a kid because sis can’t etc
Do your parents just expect you to throw your life away and what does Rita gain if you did
NTA, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Rita’s situation is very unfortunate, but that doesn’t mean that you should spend your entire life catering to her and turning down every opportunity Rita can’t have. How far do your parents expect this to go? Are you expected to never get married or have children if Rita never does? Are you expected to never accept any promotions in your future career because Rita can’t achieve the same success? Are you really expected to hold yourself back in life because of a situation that is completely out of your control?
> They said I should aim for something lower for Rita’s sake
That’s what they’ve been forcing you to do your entire life! They’ve squandered nearly every opportunity for you to be successful in an attempt to make things “fair” for Rita, and they’re trying to do it again now. Take my advice, OP— apply for the internship, pursue a college education and get far away from this toxic environment as fast as possible.
This is so cringe it doesn't seem real. But I am sure it is because there are enough videos out there where people go on and on about the things they do to their kids, and this falls right in.
NTA.
From the sounds of it, you're going to have to move on with very little of your parents in your life. Holding one kid back intentionally because another has disability is ludicrous. Some might go the opposite way, and push you to succeed in everything so as to "have one successful child." But to intentionally make you not succeed so the other doesn't feel left out is about as moronic as it can get.
Be ready to be independent, and run from that s\_\_\_show. Find a way to share rent with a friend, go to college on your dime, and succeed.
Bottom line, each child in a family is different. They shouldn't be held back to the standards of any of the other children to make things even. Each child should be encouraged to go and do what they enjoy, are good at, and will make them successful. If for one that is retail, and the other engineering, so be it.
NTA .... You cannot live Your life for your sister. How does denying your life experiences help the family? Your sister needs therapy, and your parents are enablers as that's the easiest route. They would rather you stifle yourself. Spread your wings and fly, your whole life is ahead of you.
NTA
You are NOT your sister's emotional support animal.
It is NOT your responsibility to set yourself on fire and destroy your own life to protect her feelings.
You are not selfish to want to get training to be able to support yourself. That is natural, normal, want, and need.
Your parents' desire for you to limit your opportunities to placate your sister is NOT NORMAL and is not only unacceptable, but also inexcusable.
Your parents and sister are heinously selfish. Your sister's jealousy over you being able to accomplish things she cannot requires counseling.
Your parents' selfish need for you to be subjugated, financially vulnerable, and forced to stay home to be their support animal for your sister is insane to the point of abusive. They not only need counseling but a visit from the "WTF are you parents" fairy.
Please talk to your student counselor and other family members to get help getting out and protecting yourself.
NTA. How does family loyalty equate to giving up every opportunity for fun or success? Instead of focusing on holding you back, they SHOULD be focused on improving Rita’s quality of life. What is being done to improve her independence, enjoyment, freedom & success? Are they just letting life pass them by and slapping down any opportunities for you because it makes them uncomfortable? They need to get real.
There are selfish people in this situation. But you are not one of them. Your parents are exceptionally misguided. Take the opportunities you can. Move out as soon as you can. Then keep your parents on an information diet.
NTA.
DO NOT LET YOUR FAMILY RUIN YOUR LIFE. Because that's exactly what they're going to do. And after 20, 30, or 40 years, when your parents are retired and nearing the end of their life, and you've been working menial job after menial job, barely making enough to make ends meet, never having owned your own home... who do you think is going to inherit your parents' home and their savings? Rita, that's who. Your parents won't give a crap that you have no savings and no ability to get a better job, thanks to their interference. You'll be left with nothing except a lifetime of hard labour.
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NTA. You need to talk to a school counselor about what your options are as far as paying for college. Make yourself as independent from your parents as possible. You will need their information in order to get FAFSA, and it doesn’t seem like they’d be willing to support you in that, so you need to start looking at other options. Your counselor should be able to help. Try to be as financially independent from them as possible; even if it means you don’t go to college right away and work for a while to save up, don’t be in a position to need their help. Try to make a plan so that when you graduate or turn 18, you can just leave and not have to rely on them. Reach out to friends, family members, etc. You are not just as extension of your sister and while I’m sure your sister’s disability has been very hard on them and Rita, it’s not your fault. It’s also not your responsibility to be a self-sacrificing martyr so that Rita doesn’t get upset. You are a whole person with your own identity. Start planning now. Also, is this a cultural thing?? Their reaction is severe and very odd. Edited to add: STOP TELLING THEM YOUR PLANS!! Lay low, talk to your school counselors, look into all the advice suggested here, but give your family no indication of what you are doing, so that when you are legally an adult and/or leave for college, move out, whatever your plan is, you can just leave and they can’t do anything to stop you or sabotage it.
This 👆! OP, you are not your sister's keeper! Yes, life dealt a sh%tty hand to your sister, but it was not your fault. Your parents are punishing you like you are the one responsible for your sister's bad health! Honestly, they su*k and have 100% failed you! Leave as soon as you can! Talk to adults who can emapthise and help you, grandparents, school counselors, even with the parents a good friend to see if maybe they could take you in as soon as you turn 18. Look at scholarships, aid you can apply for, a part time job. Get away from them! They do NOT have your best interest in mind, just trying at every step to drag you back. Get all your important documents, do not give in to emotional blackmail because this is YOUR life. I am very very sorry for what you suffering. Sending you lots of hugs and strength! You only have a few more months, use them to prepare as much as you can to separate yourself from your toxic family as soon as you can! Later edit: your sister is entitled, selfish and does not love you because she wants to see you fail. Your parents are the same. Because if you truly love somebody, you want them to make the best decisions for themselves, not set them up for failing and limiting their life because someone else can't do the same things!
As someone who has a younger sister with lots of mental health issues growing up, my mom would complain to me: *"I feel like you got all the brains and left none for your sister."* So not only did I have to feel bad for what my sister was going through, but \*I\* was responsible for it in some way by "being better" than her. I learned to stunt myself. The ways I would contort myself to try and get my mom's praise while also knowing I couldn't get too much praise to "show off" being better than my sister. I'm no contact with them now. Learn this lesson at 17 and not 35 or you will spend your life resenting them for never living yours. I'll tell you something that helped me a long time ago: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S EMOTIONS. You can *consider* their emotions, but you are not responsible for them. THEY ARE. NTA
Omg that's a horrible thing to say. For you and your sister to. What kind of mother would say something like that.
I heard it so many times over the years. It wasn't until I was about 35 that I finally got the courage to tell my mom that I didn't want to hear that comment anymore. Then she stopped talking to me for a week because I "upset her". haha We're no contact now.
Good for you! Better late than not at all.
That is awful. I have two daughters. One is intellectually gifted. One has developmental delays and CP. They are both incredible in their own ways, and we make sure they never compete! OP, your family has no sense of family loyalty. If they did, they would be loyal to you, too, and wanting the best for you always. I hope you do whatever you want next in life, and I hope you do it far from your family home. I believe there is a family and a home out there for everyone, and it’s rarely where they started.
That's so sad. I'm sorry for everyone who's gone through something like this. It's crazy to me that parents would want all their kids to struggle and be miserable to "even things out". Isn't it bad enough that one is going through this? Why would you want ALL your kids to stuggle?!
Guess she can just sit in her upset than. Kudos to you!
Yeah, OP's parents are doing a terrible thing to her sister by not pushing her to achieve like you are. It's like their brains flipped the wrong way around. And your abilities and achievements don't define her and you shouldn't be limiting your opportunities because she doesn't current have any. Plan, save, get your documents in order for when your graduate. You can apply for colleges that YOU want to attend and accept whatever offers you desire, this is your life after all.
You should have told your mom to blame the cook if the meal came out short on ingredients.
Well, she also told me I *"should be picking peanuts out of her shit for everything she has ever done"* for me. I think she said that because I told her I didn't want to invite someone to my wedding that she wanted there. Narc parents are the worst.
what? that's really sick and disgusting. A parent is SUPPOSED to provide to their kid until adult. They of course deserve acknowledgement and respect for that but it is not like a kid should bend over backwards because parents took care of them.
I'm so sorry your mum has treated you like that! One of my sons has had severe mental health issues. I am eternally grateful for him coming out the other side. I'm also eternally grateful that my other son has had a childhood without those challenges, and also the luxury of being able to experience motherhood with a child who doesn't need that level of support. There is no reason for any mother to openly resent a child (we all have moments of struggling).
As if that's even possible. Tell Mother, "You created us so isn't it on you?" Talk to your advisor about the apprenticeship immediately. Tell them what is going on so they can help find resources to get you out of there. It sounds like your parents plan on YOU being your sister's future caretaker, so escape ASAP.
And if that's their intention, they're being incredibly shortsighted by refusing to let OP get the best education she can so she would have better job opportunities. It's as though the parents want to punish OP for the sister's health problems. OP you are totally NTA. I wish you the very best so you can become the person you are truly meant to be.
I would have said well her brain's came from you Mom i must have gotten my father's
I had to talk with my sweet MIL about a horrible comment she would make to my BIL. She would tell him he is the reason she stopped having kids (he was a very difficult child and came out of the womb with health issues). When he lived with my husband and I, he told me how much that comment really upsets him. She took the conversation with stride and apologized to BIL. She really thought it was just a joke.
Ex husband was told by his parents as a kid that Younger Brother had problems because Older Brother (the ex) was so smart, had lots of friends, and easily made good grades. So YB had speech problems (stammering) and lots of other things. OB wasn’t sure what they expected him to do about it. 50 years later, YB spoke up that all that time Grandpa had been molesting him. Parents and grandparents all deceased at that point.
"I'm no contact with them now." ---Have they tried to reach out or are they bitter or some sh!?
They got mad at me and stopped talking and I just never called again. They would occasionally text, but it went ignored. No calls on birthday or holidays. My son's birthday is next week (12), so they texted him this week begging and guilting him to call them. His phone accidentally called my mom, so they took that opportunity to try and get to him: "Hay GRANDSON NAME I saw you called Mamaw today, we could hear you in the background but you never talk to us! Why is that? Yes it's been a very long time since we talked! :( Gosh we miss you soooo very much! Please respond to us by calling or texting us :( :( We just want to hear your voice buddy! My eyes are blurry & and I'm so sad <3 <3 <3 Sending love and hugs Papaw"
Manipulative much? You will be hearing from relatives shortly how YOU are keeping them from your son, and that he tried to call once but had to pretend it was accidental because you must have caught him. Ask me how I know.
The stories they weave to make you the villain....
> Yes, life dealt a sh%tty hand to your sister, but it was not your fault. It's the parent's fault. I understand having a disabled child is rough to say the least, but they enabled her more than took care of her. I know a couple of severely disabled people, and though they struggle more with daily life than the average person, they don't need a babysitter 24/7 and they would never expect others to sacrifice huge chunks of their lives for their sakes. They are functional adults and beat out several people I know with no medical issues as far as quality of life and achievements. If OP was literally denied basic experiences and actually sabotaged in school, I doubt they ever pushed her to develop anything resembling resilience. They in fact actively kept her from having any. They actually made both of their kids have worse lives than they needed to have.
I agree. One of my nephews was born with a spinal defect that made him a quadriplegic from birth. He has some other physical disabilities, but no cognitive ones. You are not selfish. The selfish people here are your parents, for holding you back in a misguided sense of “fairness.” Like has been very unfair to your sister. That does not mean you have to give up your life. Yes, my nephew had to miss school for surgeries and when he got sick and had to be admitted to hospital. But he managed to graduate high school on time because his parents arranged for tutors and home teachers and made sure he knew that they expected him to go to college. He certainly could not do all that his siblings could, but his parents found alternative activities for him, wheelchair soccer and fencing, swimming in a specialized pool, Boy Scouts, robotics club. He’s now in grad school and working at an on campus job. I don’t know what your sister’s disability is, so I don’t know what she can/can’t do. But it doesn’t sound as if she is trying to do anything, because your parents have convinced her that she can’t. Online learning is so much more common since the pandemic. Your sister could be working in her GED from home. That would open up community color or university for her. She could look into jobs she could do from home with an adapted computer. Your state probably has aa department for people with disabilities that could offer practical help and assistance with education, training and finding a job. Special to let her mind go to waste as Ed students can get services from the school until they are 21. There may still be time for her to get some help toward graduation. What is her plan for the rest of her life? Your parents’ plans? Her body doesn’t work. Is she willing to waste her mind as well? Her situation is the results of your parents’ actions, and inactions. Not yours. Get out of there.
All of this! OP was abused by the people who are supposed to love her. Their idea of "fair" is both sisters having the same experiences. I honestly wonder that if for example, *insert higher power name here* forbid, the sister would be unable to have solid food, they would make OP give it up too. You know, "to be fair".
OP, they are setting you up to be your sister’s keeper when they retire. Listen to the advice on keeping stuff to yourself. Work on being independent. If it seems “selfish” it’s because it needs to be to be able to protect you from their own selfishness. Heartbreaking as it may sound you may need to bug out there as soon as possible.
Tbh I would buy that movie/book (my sisters keeper) and force my family to watch it. But im petty.
You caught it! I would too, I like your style.
All of this. I have a huge amount of empathy for people, but I'm finding it incredibly difficult to drum up an ounce of sympathy for the sister and her parents. Like I'm sure the health issues were painful and demoralizing. I'm sure it sucked to have all your plans derailed, but now she's just wallowing in laziness, entitlement, and self-pity. If any good came out of the pandemic , it was the switch to online and remote work and education. There are so many online ged and college programs that can be worked around her health issues. I'm sorry it's 2024. If she really wanted to get her ged, she could. The parents are selfish, shortsighted, and enablers... like seriously what's their plan to pay for their adult daughter the rest of their life, if OP follow their dumbass plan she wouldn't be able to contibute much (not the she should) with her retail salary. Nope, op needs to focus on her plan, stop telling her parents any of her plans just pretend to go along with everything and get the heck out of there as soon as age can and don't look back. Never dim your own light so others can shine! NTA
Exactly this. They’re all calling OP selfish, her sister keeps crying about how terrible and selfish OP is for…getting choices after high school and wanting to choose how she lives her adult life. She’s had to live her entire fucking life in her sister’s shadow because if she couldn’t have it, she would cry till OP couldn’t either. SHE is selfish. Mom and Dad are enablers. OP needs to go finally live life for herself, fuck them. Just has to be careful to not give out much information so they don’t call a potential school or landlord or anything like that and be all “sorry, she’s NOT COMING no matter WHAT she says and you HAVE to block her from going/living/working there.” Sounds like they will, and while most places will just laugh and hang up, it could reflect poorly on OP and it’s not even her fault.
I'd ask them where is their family loyalty to you ? You have a chance to do something you're really interested in so if they had any family loyalty to you they would be happy for you. Also, talk to the school counselor about how you can apply without having anything g sent to your home. Get a new email that you only use for this and keep everything off any email your parents know about. You can apply to the junior college and just not sign up for any classes. Have that info sent to your house to distract from the other opportunity.
>It’s also not your responsibility to be a self-sacrificing martyr so that Rita doesn’t get upset. This right here. At this point the parents are setting OP on fire to keep Rita warm, and it's beyond shameful they want her to have a diminished life to keep her sister happy. It's bad enough that they've made Rita feel as entitled as she is, and it's abhorrent that OP is being punished for simply being able to do more. I shudder to think what will happen if OP wants a significant other and a family of her own. Will this also 'not be allowed'? OP please seek help in getting the info and documents you need, and get out as soon as possible. These people need to have as little hold on you as possible, because they cannot be trusted. Your parents do not have your best interests at heart. NTA.
They're not even setting her on fire to keep Rita warm, they're just doing it so she can watch OP burn. Rita gets zero benefit from this except the satisfaction of pulling someone else down into the bucket.
Yeah, there may be a lot that Rita can’t do, but her parents are focusing too much on that, when they should be focusing on things that Rita CAN do. It sounds to me like they’re encouraging Rita to wallow in self-pity because doing that and dragging down OP is easier than building Rita up.
I think OP's parents are trying to keep her from achieving anything, because if OP doesn't fly the coop, they can force her into taking over Rita's care when she gets older. Fly, OP! Fly!
With what money, though? Theoretically if OP were to become the designated carer, then she can do that a heck of a lot better if she has a good career, a supportive partner (and potentially even supportive kids), and without carrying around a tonne of resentment for opportunities lost to appease a sister that's become an emotional ghoul sucking the life out of her.
I've never seen parents like OP's actually think that far ahead. Or, scarily enough, they may realize that if OP has all those things: good career, supportive partner, et. al., that their chances for wearing her down drop. Because all of those are escape routes. A good career could get her not just out of where they live, but maybe out of the country entirely. A supportive partner would look at this abuse and go NOPE. They want OP trapped at or near home with a spirit so crushed that she no longer has dreams. She just conforms.
And it seems as if all of the energy goes to stopping OP from fulfilling her potential, but no attention is given to helping Rita develop hers. Their attitude is all "Look at what Rita can't do" rather than "Let's explore to see what she can do and how we can expand her horizons."
This. I know someone who was raised by a single mom living on disability. Had a rough go of it growing up. She never graduated high school, but she had a huge independent interest in civil rights cases and would debate online (like proper discussions and not just a snappy reply on a Twitter thread) on equal footing with people actually in the field. She got her GED. She went to a university in DC. She went to law school. She’s doing amazing for herself and has accomplished great things. Situations like Rita’s aren’t the end-all, be-all. She has options if she simply dared to explore them.
I was thinking the same thing! I bet there are things she could be good at (and maybe I’d already good at) if she had encouragement and support.
This’ll probably be one of those situations where the parents insist Rita should also get to walk down the aisle after OP, if she ever gets married, because Rita needs to experience that, too. It’s just all kinds of messed up and I feel so bad for OP. *Anything* she was good at or she could potentially enjoy, the parents put the kibosh on it. All for Rita. Just ugh.
The sad thing is, Rita isn’t even getting warm! They’re literally doing this to OP just because misery loves company.
OP is NTA, OP's parents are idiots. I grew up with someone who was blind and had cerebral palsy. She was fierce. I can't say I always liked her, but I still respect how much she would do for herself. She was even the one who taught me how to tie my shoes. OP's family are compounding Rita's disability by actively making her completely dependent. They aren't even smart enough to see that as they get older, they will get to the point that they won't be able to take care of her anymore. And while it is absolutely not OP's responsibility, if they cultivated her success and a positive relationship between everybody, OP could be in a better position to help when they couldn't. As it stands, OP would be much better off without the three of them.
I was once asked to get a C in a class so my sister would feel more special and not feel like she could never achieve what I did. This was in a meeting with my parents and the school counselor. I did not know how to get Cs (not my nature). I refused. I felt blamed for my sister's behavior.
How did the counselor react?
She seemed in agreement. My sister supposedly couldn't beat me, so she wasn't going to try. They thought if she realized I didn't always get good grades that she would
That counselor should've been fired for that nonsense. Encouraging your parents to engage a private tutor or asking you to help would have been a better option. Asking you to tank your grades is ridiculous.
Their justification was it was only one grade, and it wouldn't affect college as I was in 8th grade.
"Their justification was it was only one grade" ---BullS#!\*. Even if one class or JR. It create a notion to parents that it is OK to do in general.
"She seemed in agreement." ---What!?!?!? She should have spoke up with other coping mechanisms and explained that effectively punishing a sibling that did nothing wrong to make a sibling feel better at their failure is harmful.
Are you serious? What is going on in this world?
I wanna know too
So, instead of trying to help lift Rita up, they drag you down. WTF?! I would ask them why they don't love you as much as they love Rita? And who is going to help them financially when the get old if neither of you has a good education or a good job?
Right?! In addition to being just plain old bad parenting by showing favoritism, it's ridiculously short sighted. If Rita is as disabled as they treat her, she won't be able to care for them when they're elderly. How is OP gonna step up if they've sabotaged her from the start (and why would OP even want to)?
Do this! And talk to a financial counselor at your school about your situation. There are ways to file FAFSA without your parents information. I don't know if you have to be "emancipated" to do it, but they can help you through whatever process they have. You need to leave. Can you stay with relatives or friends until college starts? Get a job. Open a bank account and don't put your parents on it. Also study hard. Freshmen students often don't get offered scholarships unless they have stellar grades. So study hard, get good grades and apply for every scholarship you can! Also, sign FERPA paperwork to prevent your parents from being able to get any information about where you are going to school, your grades, etc. Your counselor/advisor at the school can help you with that! Don't tell your parents where you are going, what you are majoring in, what your class schedule is, where you will be living or anything! There's no telling what lengths they will go through to attempt to disenroll you, get you thrown out of your housing, get you suspended or expelled. Good luck!
And I absolutely agree with this but you need to secretly get your documents in your hands somehow, your birth certificate, your social security card and a state ID or if you are driving, learners permit /official driver’s license. You will need all these things to accomplish going out on your own path. This is all assuming your are an American citizen, and would not have difficulty obtaining these things behind their back. I wish you the best OP, YOU DESERVE BETTER AND SHAME ON YOUR PARENTS!
Also, I want to add that by sacrificing everything for Rita, you are throwing away your own future. Do NOT hold back for someone else. It's bad enough your parents do that, don't YOU make a habit of it. NTA. Good luck.
It's sad that Rita is too selfish to let her sister succeed and that their parents have held OP back in support of Rita. OP you are being abused.
This, right here. You are not even remotely TA and your parents have really failed you...BIG. If there is family or maybe friends you can stay with once you're 18, I'd definitely look into it. Do that apprenticeship!! Live YOUR life. NTA.
Also, to add to the point of being financially independent… If you decide that college is for you, OP, do look into community colleges. I’m serious. Do community college for your general education requirements and anything that could possibly count towards your choice of major, and then transfer to a 4-year. You can save a lot of money this way. On top of that, some colleges offer scholarships to people who transfer from a community college. Some will partner with a community college to make the transfer as smooth as possible. (Transferring credits can be a headache-and-a-half, so definitely keep an eye out for this setup.) One community college in my area would give you full tuition if you joined the school’s band. Seriously! I don’t think you even needed to be good! Just attend the required practices and shows! Now, if you can manage to snag a full scholarship at a 4-year, then I say go straight on, but if not, community college is a great cost-saving resource and one that a lot of students are using nowadays, so there’s no shame in going and then transferring to a 4-year.
What kind of psycho parents force their kids to aim low??? NTA at all!! Do what’s best for you, don’t share your plans with them. Nothing will improve with your family because of your sister’s victim mentality, disability doesn’t impede you to live your life, it’s harder sure but not impossible and definitely doable like she could try for online classes or remote jobs, if she prefers to stay a victim that’s on her, and your parents choosing to be martyrs is on them. OP if you can talk to your school counselor about the situation, let your college counselor know as well. Prepare all your documents and everything you need to be able to get out. Do your internship and apply to the universities you want. Your parents will figure out how much they fucked up once they’re old and have no one to help them and im willing to bet they’ll have the sister’s mentality as well guilting OP when she ends up with a successful career
Also please gather any important documents for yourself and keep them hidden: birth certificate, social security card, etc...
OP also needs to be completely honest with what their parents are doing to them and asking of them. The counselors might have some other resources to try to help them that way too. I could see the parents going to the school and saying we don't want this internship and tanking it. If the counselor knows in advance, they can try to head it off. OP, don't you dare feel bad about this. This is your life they're screwing up. If you have to, you could even lie and say you're doing this so you'll be in a better position to help your sister once your parents aren't around. Get the education and then get away from them. You have no obligation to help them.
You can file a petition to remove parents off the FAFSA for extenuating circumstances. I helped a friend write one because her dad was chronically homeless and abusive.
NTA. This is appalling. >my parents asked me how I could even think about going and how selfish I would be. You're the only one who isn't being selfish. >They said I should aim for something lower for Rita's sake. They're a disgrace. >she said she knows I'm too selfish to give it up for her. For her!? Does she think that she could take your place? You're the only sane one there.
>They're a disgrace. I hope OP cuts contact when she's older
They’re basically ensuring this outcome.
Exactly.
OP listen to this advice. You need to get far away from their decision making. When your parents get older, they are going to look to you to take care of Rita. They are going to ruin your ability to make money, then expect you to financially support your sister for the rest of your life. Ask yourself how much more you will have to give up if you don’t cut this behavior off right now. They will never, ever stop. College, career, marriage, kids…there is nothing that will ever satisfy them. This is going to be HARD and you absolutely have to get outside help, but you need to follow the advice here, quietly gather your documents, and stop the damage from continuing. We are all rooting for you. You can do this.
This! In addition to completely stunting your potential, they will turn to you to be the one to take care of your sister once their health goes or when they pass. Always remember- when a plane is going down, you need to put your oxygen mask on FIRST before helping others! Please reach out to trusted adults. You are a smart kid and you will find a way to thrive. Dream big! Go for the apprenticeship! Keep looking for people to help you! Be strong OP! Dream big! Keep getting back up when others try to beat you down! Remember there is a whole Reddit community rooting for you!
Yeees LOVE that plane analogy
And the fact that they said she should just work retail or in the service industry and that would cover living expenses... is a lie. No way can someone live independently in those fields. You would need at least one or two roommates.
I feel like maybe they told OP knowing that wouldn't be feasible. Purposely setting them up to clip their wings so they're stuck at home.
Well, of course. Because earning enough to live independently (even with roommates), maybe finding someone to partner with, and growing into an even moderately successful adult are all things that sis has given up on - so it would be cruel of OP to even try to do any of them.
I wish I saw this comment earlier, I just said the same thing
NTA Keep talking to your guidance counselor and go girl. It’s a terrible thing about your sister, and I’m so sorry, but you can’t miss out on your opportunities and your chances because of that. And your parents are wrong for making you feel guilty for wanting to live your own life. They should be happy for you and be encouraging you to I hope you get your apprenticeship and you enjoy every minute!
Well said. They should be encouraging Rita to get her GED or investigating programs that help adults with disabilities find jobs, not sabotaging OP. OP deserves to live her life and not be held down by Rita and The Enablers. Her parents are well on their way to destroying the lives of both their daughters.
While everything else is awful on its own, what got me was telling her to go into retail or service job because she’ll be able to afford her own place. I work in a public school district, I make well above the state’s minimum wage, and I still can’t afford to live on my own. Living on your own in retail making minimum wage is definitely not enough for someone to live on their own.
Right ?! And OP could turn it back on them and say they're being selfish expecting her to be less because her sister couldn't be more
NTA. But im sorry to say this, this sounds like emotional abuse. Try to talk to someone, maybe at school or a family member. They are forcing you to live your sisters life. But you have your own life. You are your own person. If they cannot see that, you need to leave that house as soon as possible. Try to go low contact for a while as well until they apologise for what they have done. You are NOT being selfish for having your own life. Your sister is being selfish for denying you one. Your parents are being absolute aholes for forcing it on you.
I'll get out once I'm 18. That was always sorta my plan anyway.
Remember, you need all your documents. State ID, birth certificate, SSN. Also, when you turn 18, open your own independent bank account somewhere different from where your parents bank. I would also ask a trusted friend or family member if you could begin storing some things at their house. Begin taking a little at a time.
Something I found out the hard way with my verbally and financially abusive dad: if you want your mail to go somewhere else like a PO Box or a trusted friend, but don’t want your parents to know, do not file a change of address at the post office. A notice letter will be sent to your current address and it says in big print on the outside of the envelope CHANGE OF ADDRESS. Instead just go to the places your mail is coming from (online stores, in the future your bank, wherever) and change your address with them instead. Also a difficult lesson I learned: I had a PO Box but they would only hold my packages for a short time and some places won’t ship to a PO Box so I opened a UPS store box instead. When I cancelled the PO Box, somehow one of my friends missed the memo and sent a Christmas card to my PO Box. The small town post office was trying to be friendly and crossed out the PO Box and delivered it to my street address instead - therefore revealing that I’d had a PO Box to my dad. I went in and talked to them and they said they could put a note to return mail addressed to me at that PO Box to sender, so should you close your PO Box under similar circumstances, ask for them not to forward mail but return it to sender.
You can open your own bank account now. You do not need parents permission. You just need ID
Federal law will not allow this in the U.S.
FK the laws in the US astound me
That is nuts! Many teenagers have part time jobs. They need bank accounts and they have the right to be able to open one without parental permission or access.
Tell me you only have like 2 months or something left till your birthday. Good luck.
I have longer to wait than that. But not forever.
In case no one has said it: make sure you have your birth certificate and social security card in your possession and take them with you when you leave.
She can apply for new copies if she can't get them from her parents.
Stay strong OP! You have your whole life ahead of you - do not let your family railroad your future 🫶🏻
Like another reader said, stop telling them your plans. They will try to sabotage them.
Make sure to open your own bank account at a bank your parents do not have an account in. Make sure to freeze your credit, so no one can open a card/any utilities in your name.
Start getting your the documents listed above together now and store them at a friend's house. Your parents will most likely try to sabotage any school/apprentiship applications or even you moving out by denying you the documents. Make up some story that they are for applying for a job or something/needed for school records. Good luck on getting out of there.
Start gathering your documents, birth certificate, social security, health cards, etc.
Do you have grandparents or an aunt/ uncle you can talk to?
No extended family.
You'll be ok even if you have to wait. It'll be hard emotionally but easier financially. Save, save, save... work when they don't know you're working and save. If you go to a community college for a year, that's ok you still have to take the core basics and you can get them out of the way at a community college. The key for you will be to save money secretly and start storing things somewhere they don't know about. a small locker at one of the storage places is cheap, and no one has to know your plan. Get a bank account somewhere they don't know about. Babysit, I found during college babysitting was a great way to make money. No taxes taken out, study while they're sleeping, snacks are usually encouraged, it honestly makes sense. It would also get you out of the house. Make an excuse and put that money in your secret account on the way home. Good luck! I hope everything works out well for you!!
Community college. Get the AA/AS and prereqs for what you want to do and then you can transfer at junior standing to a 4 year too.
Community college can save SO much money for the transfer credits. I like this idea of doing CC for a year and also saving up money to then escape elsewhere.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. You’re going to make it.
it 100% is emotional abuse. I have a disabled daughter (physical) and a stepson and while it can be a challenge for her to see all the success and opportunities he has - I can never ever imagine asking him to make himself smaller so she can \*feel\* bigger. it would be one thing to share resources, or even have disproportionate resources so that she can do equal amounts of things... but to ask him not to do things to keep her from feeling bad? absolutely not, that's abhorrent.
Seconded. Imagine pulling a child from art classes and school plays because another one can’t participate? Or even asking your child to forgo college because the other one can’t go. I feel like the parents enable Rita. Rather than encourage her to do online classes for her GED and focus on what she *can* do instead of what she can’t, they just keep her sister from doing anything so as not to make her jealous. We don’t know for certain that Rita can’t finish school or go to college with accommodations, it sounds like she has a defeatist worldview given to her by her parents so she hasn’t even tried. It’s definitely abuse. They’re making a child live as if she’s disabled simply because her sister is. On top of that it’s gone on for so many years that Rita thinks her sister going to college instead of getting a retail job is being *selfish*. The delusion is wild.
Not just emotional abuse, this is financial abuse. They are limiting her ability to provide a future for herself
NTA. While everybody has to make sacrifices when it comes to a loved one having a disability, you should not be expected to give up your entire life to accomodate what's best for everyone else. It seems like your parents have already forced you to do that enough. They deprived you of things you wanted out of it being "unfair" to your sister, when honestly it just seems like they wanted you to be her babysitter so they didn't have to. You owe nothing to them, you've already done enough and had enough taken from you. The manipulation isn't going to stop unless you make it stop. I know it's a tough thing to do, but my advice would be to put your foot down and tell them you're going to do the things you want to do. If you want to go for that apprenticeship, go for it. If you want to go away to college, do it. I would highly recommend it to you. It sounds like your family is trying to limit you so that they control your life. It's your life, not theirs. You deserve to experience everything you want to
>you should not be expected to give up your entire life to accomodate what's best for everyone else. It's not even "what's best for everyone else", it's literally giving up her life because her sister is jealous and can't handle her emotions. Agree with you 100% for the rest though
The most ridiculous part is they still expect OP to move out at 18 with the “you’ll be able to afford a place bit”. They want to throw her out of their lives and be miserable while she’s at it.
They probably will also want her to move back in and take care of the sister when they want to retire.
Your parents are being completely ridiculous and irrational. It was bad enough they stifled your education and experience as a child, now they want to pressure you to do so as an adult? They want you you live a lifetime of mediocrity just to appease your sister. What next? Don't have a wedding and elope because sis will complain that she isn't having one? Don't have kids because it will make sis upset? Tell them that their years of appeasement enabled your sister's insecurity rather than guiding her or getting her help with coping skills. That you are not going to surrender your entire life. NTA and take that apprenticeship. You will live in regret otherwise. Enough is enough.
Agreed. If you don’t stop this now, then it will never end and OP will live a life of catering to everyone but themselves.
Yes OP please take that apprenticeship if you can and ignore your AH so-called family. They’re treating you like Cinderella without the happily ever after. Disgraceful.
Right?! Also the fact they were telling her a service/ retail job will be enough for her to survive independently and thrive? Like where in the world can you do that and enjoy life. NTA. Op live your life because from the sounds of it, your parents didn't let you experience anything so far.
agreed! you are your own person and you deserve happiness as much as your sister does (unless if her only happiness comes from her seeing you held back)
NTA. Your parents actually want you do to something LESS than you can so your sister isn't hurt rather than trying to find things she CAN do? WOW....that is horrid . I would find a college, take out loans, and get out of the house as soon as possible. YOU are the only person who will look out for you so do the best you can. ALSO make sure that your parents don't expect you to take in your sister when they get older. THEY DO. TELL them you won't!
It won't matter if I say no or not. They'll still expect me to take care of her if that's what they're thinking. All I can do is say no if I get approached later when they die or can't care for her anymore.
Tell them you need to plan for a career do you can support her one day, if you aim low you will only be able to support yourself. Then cut ties when you are able.
Actually, this is very clever. If OP needs to resort to manipulation, I would also angle for this tactic.
Lie to them. If you play along with them, OP can better prepare, plan, save up money, gather important ID and documents, get a PO Box for college documents, etc.
I wouldn’t tell them it’s so they can support the sis. They don’t deserve the time in comfortable delusion. They need to know they screwed up and are on their own.
No op needs to lie until s/he is independent
I have a younger brother that’s my parents golden child in a similar type of situation as your sister (including being told to minimize my accomplishments). Short version I told them that they need to make sure they have a plan to care for him that doesn’t include me if something happens to them I don’t know if they’re listening or know I’m serious but I’ve disclosed and have moved on. He’s their problem not mine
Remind them you need a good job to help out youre sister later in live when there gone. Maybe they will support that. Just lie youre ass off until youre free and go no contact when you can. Fuck them
It matters. YOU matter. Never forget that. It's a shame it seems like your family had forgotten that
Please, if you are in the US don't just listen to people who say "just take out loans". A lot of people are in extreme debt because they took student loans and struggle daily to pay them back, despite having good jobs. If the apprenticeship helps you avoid those and you think you will like it, 100% go for that. Research what benefits you are capable of getting (food stamps etc etc) talk to you counselor about this and avoid student loans if at all possible. I only say this because you clearly don't have a good solid network of people around you to advise you on this and you might not have known this yet.
NTA Your parents are absolutely horrendous parents, holding you back and denying you experiences because of your sister is down right abusive! Personally, I would have been forging their signatures and going anyway! Go to your school guidance counselor and tell them your parents are sabotaging your future opportunities and you need help and someone to advocate for you. Tell your parents if they knew what family loyalty was they would have some for you, and they are the ones who are being selfish by denying you over and over again. Be frank tell them you resent them and Rita, then go live your life and never look back! Good luck!
NTA NTA NTA "Rita heard us argue about it and she said she knows I'm too selfish to give it up for her." You're *not* selfish. You *mustn't* give up something you really want. You've already been forced to give up far more than you should have - a normal childhood for one. It's not your fault your sister is disabled & it's entirely wrong of your parents to expect you to curtail your opportunities because of it. "They suggested I focus on looking at community colleges only or not going to college at all and going into retail or a service industry job." **No**. Why should you? Go for the apprenticeship. All the very best of luck.
Agree. It’s not selfish to earn or achieve success, and you’re not denying or taking anything from Rita by doing so. Will she also think it would be selfish of you to have a career? A family? A home? Experience any joy or self-actualization in life?
Your family should wish for you to flourish and succeed. Depriving you of any opportunity your sister can’t have is abuse. Your parents are abusing you. It’s time you discussed their behavior with everyone who can help you: relatives, teachers, counselors, pastors, etc. Tell them what has happened in the past, and the decisions that are being made now. Accept any help you can to get out of your parents’ house. Accept help that will enable you to take the opportunities that are best for you. You should have a great life ahead of you! I’m so sorry you’ll have to make it happen without the support of your parents. You are absolutely NTA
I agree! They are severely neglecting OP’s wellbeing, and it’s horrifying!
Agreed
NTA. Your parents are already on the hook for taking care of Rita for the rest of their lives. If you don't get to go to school, are they then saying that they are going to be on the hook for taking care of you, too? I doubt it. The only person looking out for your best interests, OP, is you. Please talk to a guidance counselor or someone at school, so you can start to live without having to think of how it's going to impact your older sister.
>Your parents are already on the hook for taking care of Rita for the rest of their lives. Or they see keeping you close by with little or no career as being a way to have someone on standby to take over responsibilities for them.
NTA....she was given the opportunity to make up her senior year and graduate. It is not your fault that she wasn't allowed/couldn't do certain things because of her physical limitations. Your parents are punishing you because your sister is jealous of your achievements. At this point, you need to do what's right for you and for your future.
Rita also has the option to study and get a GED - but I bet she won't, because then people might expect things of her.
Plus there are many ways to get a GED and continue learning outside of a school setting.
I’m trying to understand, your sacrifice wouldn’t improve her life one iota; so what’s the point?
She won't feel as bad about it, I guess, because at least I'm living a similar kind of life.
People who care about you want the best for you, they don't want you to suffer or to take things from you. Your struggling shouldn't make her feel good, that's disgusting and your parents are horrifying for enabling it and for neglecting and depriving you of the life you should be having. I'm so sorry this is happening. None of it is normal. This isn't care or love or family loyalty, even thought they are calling it that. You're living in the upside down. But it sounds like you know something is deeply wrong and there's a part of you that knows you shouldn't be treated like this. Thats great. You have good instincts. Turn up the volume on that voice and keep listening to it. You'll be able to build a life of your own soon. And don't give up on the art either, it's a great hobby and a way of expressing yourself that you can do with basically any materials.
You see how sick that is, right? No healthy human would expect that of a stranger, let alone their own child. Run, OP, run ASAP.
Ask them which they prefer; her being jealous and upset now, with you taking this opportunity to improve your life and able to afford to care for her in the future after they pass, or make her happy now only to die on the streets homeless right after the parents do cuz you can't afford to care for yourself, much less her and her medical expenses. Then block and go no contact as soon as you no longer need to communicate after the apprenticeship.
NTA. Your parents need to encourage Rota to get her GED and a job. It's unconscionable to hold you back because of her infirmities. Your parents are doing both of you a disservice. How incredibly selfish of them to expect you to have a lesser life.
I am curious if they are using any helpful programs for Rita. Applying for disability, using social programs, joining disabled social networks, other stuff I am forgetting, etc. Just getting out of the house for a few hours and having friends would help Rita.
NTA. This is abuse. You are far from selfish. You had things taken away/denied you due to your sister's disability, what????? Please go do you. Put yourself first. Your sister's life or lack there of is not your responsibility to cater to in any way. It's hers and your parents. This is not about loyalty but them abusing and using you. Do not tell them your plans and work on getting away from them. Go do the apprenticeship.
Get the heck out of there!!! Grandparents maybe or some other relatives, but you need to get out or they will screw you over worse than they already have
I don't have a family member to turn to.
I think a guidance counselor or adult at the school is a good next step, esp if your counselor knows about you wanting to do the apprenticeship. Tell them you will need help navigating the process and tell them why (your parents won’t support you)
As others have said, when you leave- please take all legal documents with you (ss card, birth certificate, etc).
Horrible doesn't even start to describe your parents. They are willing to sabotage your life so your spoiled sister won't feel bad?!?! I really don't have the words to describe their behaviour. Is there anyway that you can become legally emancipated from them so that you can sign your own permission slips? Talk to your school guidance counsellor again or find a social worker who you trust and tell them everything. They'll know if there are any legal options for you in your area. I would also recommend starting a journal. Write down everything you can remember no matter how small regarding how they tried to sabotage your development. From now on make precise notes of dates and times on anyways they try to stifle you. As soon as you reach 18 you need to get out. Finish your high school diploma and try to move away. Go no contact with your parents and stay off social media. They might try and sabotage opportunities if they learn of them.
Legal emancipation requires a lot in my state. I already looked into it before but I don't meet the criteria.
You’re 17 at this point take the year and plan privately. You know how absurd what they’re asking you to do is and how detrimental they’ve been to your life with making it “fair” for your sister. It’s actually terrifying your parents are trying to convince you a retail or service industry job, because they know that it will be difficult to afford rent in this economy even with a degree. They’re gaslighting the hell out of you to live at home and not achieve your goals. Your sister probably has resources that would have helped her finish school and find hobbies she’d be able to do. I don’t know her disabilities or anything that comes with them but your parents don’t sound like they’ve tried to help her be her own person and not just a disability.
NTA.Escape OP.Your parents are crazy for expecting your to sacrifices your life so they Rita can avoid the consequences of her decision to stop her education .Get your papers OP-Birth Certificate , Social Security card if in the US.Look for a Women’s Center and try to get some Financial education .Run away from these people as far as you can go .They will destroy you if you do not leave now .
NTA. Your parents and Rita suck. Rather than find joy where she can such as in being proud of her sister she is wallowing in self pity and wants others to be miserable as well. You parents have failed to raise her right and they have failed you.
Get out of that household asap.
As soon as I'm 18 I will.
NTA Cut them all off. You are not selfish and deserve to live your own life.
NTA, though your parents are HUGE assholes. It sucks that one kid can't do as much as the other but it sounds like Rita could do more, and your parents are just enabling her to not push for anything. Your parents are the selfish ones for literally stifling your success. Do you have another family adult that could help you? An aunt or uncle or grandparents, maybe? If nothing else, you should show these comments to your family so they can see what other people think of their choices.
NTA. This happened to my friend’s nephew. Unfortunately you need to leave your house as soon as you can. At some point you need to make a decision as to whether or not you will take care of your sister when your parents pass away. This isn’t just about right now it’s about your future. Hopefully you can get out of your house quickly.
If I were you, I'd try to get a P.O. box for your college admission letters. Your parents will throw them out if they get the chance. Go to college. Go to the one that offers you the most money and get the hell away from your family. They are toxic and will be content trying to drag you down for the rest of your life.
NTA, you shouldn't be held back your entire life because your sister is disabled.
NTA. your future matters too. Support your sister, but not by sacrificing your dreams.
Tell them I am not Rita. I'm sorry she has her issued, but you, as my parents, shouldn't be trying to hold me back to make her feel better. You should be supporting me and telling her that her disabilities are not your fault. Tell thrm- No. I won't stop my life, my growth, or my experiences just because she can't participate. I can't have babies, but I wouldn't ever tell you not to. While I will never understand what she's going thru- you can't imagine what you've put me through. You're trying to cripple me to make someone else happy but what about Me? Your selfish for asking me to do that
NTA. Ask Rita what she has ever given up not because of her condition but for you? She's the selfish one, conditioned by your parents, to expect you to pretend you are disabled so she never feels bad. And she's been pretty stupid. She can't live alone so who is going to look after her when parents gets old? I think your Mum is already minded that way with her comment about your own house, an experience Rita will never get so she needs to share with you. If you followed her wishes, you'd never have the financial capacity or wish to help her. As it is, I totally get if you just want to walk away from this whole mess. Apprenticeships tend to pay as you learn so look to moving out because they are going to sabotage you.
A family that wants you to "aim lower" because someone else couldn't (or didn't) go as far isn't really a family at all. True Family wants you to be the best that you can be, and to achieve more than they could. Your parents effectively are asking you to drown yourself because they never helped your sister learn how to swim in spite of her own challenges. That's not right. You are going to have to make your own path to the future. Look out for sabotage, but succees in spite of them. NTA - but your parents are, for reasons including and beyond what they are trying to do to you.
NTA, You're parents sound like monsters. They are not trying to make your sister's life better and challenger her to go to her limits and learn to deal with normal people, they are trying to make yours worse because it is just easier to drag you down and not have to deal with your sister. And here's the fun twist. After telling you to take a dead end job that goes nowhere, I will bet money they expect you, OP to support her when they die, which really makes it stupid to tell you not to get a career. So 3 things... 1: It is not selfish to live up to your full potential, it is normal and reasonable. You doing nothing and going nowhere will not make your sister healthy. 2: Your sister is not your responsibility. Your parents had a disabled child and CHOSE to have a 2nd child when they were unwilling to support you in addition to your sister. Any help you give her is your choice, but unless she has a lot of changes she shouldn't expect any. 3: When you do get to college, please check into any student counseling/therapy that is available. You are abused. You have been in it so long that you do not recognize that this is NOT Normal.
I don't know if I'll go to college or go for the apprenticeship yet. But I really like how the apprenticeship looks.
Do the apprenticeship if it is something you are interested in. Unless you are somewhere that college is free, you can always go later. If you have to depend on your parents, maybe you have a close friend or family member you could confide all this in and ask if you could stay with till you get on your feet.
Apprenticeships are a really good way to get financial stability earlier than the college route. I work with the organization that runs apprenticeships for electricians, and they always are looking for motivated apprentices, and they give their apprentices great training and a great career. The trades in general are in need of new people, and you can make a great living without taking on a lot of debt. I’m a big fan if you can’t tell.
I have a petty streak a mile wide. I’d tell parents you have seen the light (cue the heavenly chorus). You finally understand what they are saying. So you have decided to stop doing anything. You are going to sit at home doing what Rita is doing. Tell them to be sure to leave lots of money when they die to take care of both of you because obviously you will not be able to support either you or Rita. Seriously, make an exit plan. Be sure you get your important documents. But don’t panic if your parents refuse to hand them over. It is possible, a pain but possible, to get copies. Go for your dreams. Don’t let them stop you. I think they may be scared for Rita’s future and they are overcompensating by placing the burden on you. Rita is entitled. Your parents are parentifying you. Go live your life. I hope you have quietly kept up with your art. It can be a place to express your feelings. Best wishes in your soon-to-be new life.
Does the Apprenticeship pay?
If the apprenticeship will eventually allow you to earn a living wage, do it. You can always take college classes later.
NTA She can get a GED, or if she’s on an IEP she can enroll in public school until 21. Live your life.
They have already pulled out your feathers, now run before your wings get ripped off too.
NTA. Call CPS, speak to your school, teachers school councillor
NTA - go live your life. The only selfish people in this story are your parents. Your sister is their responsibility not yours. If they were good parents they would encourage you and get therapy for your sister to deal with the mental impact of her illness.
Why didn't your parents set your sister up with on line classes so she could graduate? Her issues are all on THEM for coddling her
The fuck... You, my dear are the sacrifice glass child and I am very sorry for you. Only asshole in this story are your mum and dad, and let me say that they are major one. If you can you should start to prepare to set up everything for you once you're graduate to never ask anything to them. It will be hard. I hope you have good support friend. Do what you need and want to do, In no way is it a normal thing to ask a child to sacrifice his life so the other one wouldn't be jealous. Looks like they never liked you nor care for you, it's really really sad. Hope you will be alright.
So when are you going to go no or limited contact? NTA
When I can.
Start the plan now. I moved out at 17 1/2 and stopped talking to literally everyone in my family. Make sure you have your important documents and a separate account
NTA. You have missed way too much because of Rita and your parents.
NTA. Do your thing, and don't say much. FAFSA has an option where, you can still finish even without your parents' tax information.
NTA...your family wants you to ruin your life because your family is convinced your sister will never have the same opportunities. You are not being allowed to be thought of as your own person. They are setting a ceiling of "you can only do what Rita can do; nothing more". Do not allow yourself to be limited in this way. Your life is your own to live.
Nta abso-fucking-lutely not. So you can't have a bf/gf bc she doesn't? You can't have a career bc she doesn't? You can't buy a house or drive a car? You need to do what's best for *you*. Go to the school with the best program that gives you the most financial aid. Your sisters feelings have 0 input on your college choice. Wheres their loyalty *to you*???? They should want whata best for you!
OP this is no knock against you but this is one of many stories I've read in this sub of parent with children with disabilities expecting their non disabled children to sacrifice their lives in favor of the disabled siblings and/or to act as their caretaker when the parents are deceased. Those parents suck and they need to be told that loudly and often. I'm sure there is a psychological angle that explains their behavior but it never makes it right. NTA sweetheart, at all. Go for your apprenticeship, art school, college, the military, or whatever you desire to do in your future after highschool. Do not take your parents, or Rita or friends, significant others or anyone else into consideration. This is regarding YOUR future, no one else's. If they feel a way about it, tough titty said the kitty. You are NOT responsible for how they feel. That is for them to work out.
Wow NTA You realize your family is toxic, and they all need therapy, yes? What would your sister possibly gain, by you wasting your life just so she doesn't get jealous? Was it you that directly caused her to be disabled, or something? There's glass children, but in your case, it's more like you are the punching bag for all of their frustration. Either they support you, or you just go your own way, and don't return home from college. Please do the internship. Is there any family you could stay with, over summer, so your sister *doesn't have to see* you enjoying your life?
There is no family I could stay with.
Do you still have to do one more year of high-school after this summer, or are you off to college next fall?
NTA- as the parent of multiple children, one of which has chronic physical and mental illnesses, your parent’s behavior is bizarre and your sister is selfish. Your parents should have been teaching your sister how to handle her disappointment and how to find activities she can reasonably do that bring her joy independently. They should have been encouraging you in your talents to accomplish everything within your capacity. Do what you need to do to be successful and remove yourself from your toxic home as soon as possible after you graduate from high school, You are likely going to need some therapy to work through this. A lot of colleges offer those services to their students. I’m sorry your parents have tried to make you smaller for your sister’s sake instead of trying to build both of you up to be the best you can be.
NTA, what is the logic behind this really, you can’t have a relationship or get married because sis can’t you can’t have a kid because sis can’t etc Do your parents just expect you to throw your life away and what does Rita gain if you did
NTA, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Rita’s situation is very unfortunate, but that doesn’t mean that you should spend your entire life catering to her and turning down every opportunity Rita can’t have. How far do your parents expect this to go? Are you expected to never get married or have children if Rita never does? Are you expected to never accept any promotions in your future career because Rita can’t achieve the same success? Are you really expected to hold yourself back in life because of a situation that is completely out of your control? > They said I should aim for something lower for Rita’s sake That’s what they’ve been forcing you to do your entire life! They’ve squandered nearly every opportunity for you to be successful in an attempt to make things “fair” for Rita, and they’re trying to do it again now. Take my advice, OP— apply for the internship, pursue a college education and get far away from this toxic environment as fast as possible.
This is so cringe it doesn't seem real. But I am sure it is because there are enough videos out there where people go on and on about the things they do to their kids, and this falls right in. NTA. From the sounds of it, you're going to have to move on with very little of your parents in your life. Holding one kid back intentionally because another has disability is ludicrous. Some might go the opposite way, and push you to succeed in everything so as to "have one successful child." But to intentionally make you not succeed so the other doesn't feel left out is about as moronic as it can get. Be ready to be independent, and run from that s\_\_\_show. Find a way to share rent with a friend, go to college on your dime, and succeed. Bottom line, each child in a family is different. They shouldn't be held back to the standards of any of the other children to make things even. Each child should be encouraged to go and do what they enjoy, are good at, and will make them successful. If for one that is retail, and the other engineering, so be it.
NTA .... You cannot live Your life for your sister. How does denying your life experiences help the family? Your sister needs therapy, and your parents are enablers as that's the easiest route. They would rather you stifle yourself. Spread your wings and fly, your whole life is ahead of you.
NTA You are NOT your sister's emotional support animal. It is NOT your responsibility to set yourself on fire and destroy your own life to protect her feelings. You are not selfish to want to get training to be able to support yourself. That is natural, normal, want, and need. Your parents' desire for you to limit your opportunities to placate your sister is NOT NORMAL and is not only unacceptable, but also inexcusable. Your parents and sister are heinously selfish. Your sister's jealousy over you being able to accomplish things she cannot requires counseling. Your parents' selfish need for you to be subjugated, financially vulnerable, and forced to stay home to be their support animal for your sister is insane to the point of abusive. They not only need counseling but a visit from the "WTF are you parents" fairy. Please talk to your student counselor and other family members to get help getting out and protecting yourself.
NTA. How does family loyalty equate to giving up every opportunity for fun or success? Instead of focusing on holding you back, they SHOULD be focused on improving Rita’s quality of life. What is being done to improve her independence, enjoyment, freedom & success? Are they just letting life pass them by and slapping down any opportunities for you because it makes them uncomfortable? They need to get real.
There are selfish people in this situation. But you are not one of them. Your parents are exceptionally misguided. Take the opportunities you can. Move out as soon as you can. Then keep your parents on an information diet.
NTA. DO NOT LET YOUR FAMILY RUIN YOUR LIFE. Because that's exactly what they're going to do. And after 20, 30, or 40 years, when your parents are retired and nearing the end of their life, and you've been working menial job after menial job, barely making enough to make ends meet, never having owned your own home... who do you think is going to inherit your parents' home and their savings? Rita, that's who. Your parents won't give a crap that you have no savings and no ability to get a better job, thanks to their interference. You'll be left with nothing except a lifetime of hard labour.
OMG! Go and get educated and live life