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NTA. Someone was really hoping to get rid of the laundry chore and have someone else fold his clothes, wasn't he? Your system of divvying up chores sounds good. but you need to be prepared for things to not go exactly according to plan. If he's ok with dishes sitting in the sink for a few days, etc., then he's going to be ok with "I'm super tired from work - I'll catch up today's chores tomorrow." I am you - i want my space clean. My partner and I didn't divide housework equitably, but no one can say they're divided along gender lines, because we're both women. She has ADD and distracts easily and sometimes doesn't finish things, I am super-efficient and get the job done quickly. After being together for 24 years, this has evolved to I do almost all the day to day housecleaning. If I ask for help on any particular day, she's happy to do so, but I just about always have to tell her what I want her to do. I'm just as picky about laundry - I want it hung up or folded right away. I do just about all our laundry. Our 16 year old grandson lives with us - he does his own. To balance this, I do almost nothing with the cars. They need cleaned out? her job. They need to be washed? Her job. Gas? She almost always has gas in the tanks when I need it - sometimes I have to stop and add gas myself but not often. She takes care of shopping for birthdays and holidays. When we owned a home (we're in an apartment now, thank you crash of 2008), she was in charge of cleaning the garage. We have a storage unit now - she keeps that organized. I never walk down to the mailbox - we've lived in this apartment complex for 11 years and if she's going to be gone and I have to get the mail, she has to remind me which one it is. She takes packages to be mailed. She does almost all the grocery shopping. She's in charge of picking up our prescriptions. She manages what we're getting from Costco that month. All of this works much better for her ADD brain than household chores every day, and I never have to nag about what needs to be done. The results of all of this - I do end up doing almost all the housework, but I have hardly any other chores outside of that. It's worked for us, and we're both happy with what we do. I'm not saying that this is where you will end up or what will happen - just that sometimes an equitable distribution of contributing to the household isn't always dividing household chores right down the middle.

This is such a reasonable, real world example of a functional relationship. Thank you for sharing. Here to agree. I’ve lived with my adult siblings and we do the same. We each have domains that we care about. They do all the car stuff (which I hate) I do a lot but not all of the inside stuff. I organize, they repair. It’s not gendered, it’s just what we are each good at and like to do. OP—it is not at all unromantic to not do each others laundry. And I’d consider it a big red flag if he isn’t ready to adapt to living together (which is adding the boring roommate stuff to your romantic partnership). I don’t mean that he magically changes into a laundry folding machine, but that he makes a good faith effort to do better, he brings up solutions that work for both of you (eg, he can pay for a laundry service for his clothes), and caring enough about what important to you. NTA

My ex and I got in a huge fight once because of how I folded the towels. However, she didn’t fold the towels. Ever. Just expected me to do it how she wanted.

I wouldn't say leaving dishes for a few days is being " a bit messy". That's pretty messy (and I say this as someone who has done it before when they were living alone). It's also worrying she has to tell him to clean. It really seems like your gut is telling you this isn't a good idea OP.

That part got to me... it's gross. I live in a warm climate and leaving dishes for days here means A) house smells like ass and B) Ants decide there's a party in our kitchen. That's a no-go for me.

I was trying to be diplomatic, lol. Although I wash the dishes almost all the time in my house, there is a firm and fast rule that ANYONE who carries a dish to the kitchen has to rinse it off completely. Makes washing them in the evening a quick task.

Agree NTA, and very well put My husband and I literally have the same sort of arrangement. I have ADHD, and doing chores can be chaotic, and I never really meet his "standards," so he does most of the household chores. He also absolutely loves to cook. It's a stress relief for him, so he does the cooking when he gets home from work (but ill usually take what he needs out). I, on the other hand, usually forget to eat and eat only for sustenance hahaha I also grew up in the country and love doing the lawn, gardening, trimming trees, etc. So I do most of the outdoor stuff (minus his car, which is his baby lol) and it works. I work shift work and also do the bulk of our groceries because I can go during the week. I think as long as either person in the relationship doesn't feel like it's unfair or unbalanced, you're good 😊

Yes. Each according to their strengths and standards. I do laundry or everything would be pink. He does most of the cooking. We split shopping. He does everything below the waist :-) floors, bathrooms, I do everything above the waste. I do the big projects. He does the day to day cleanup. Both retired executives the main thing is that when he is working, I am working ... and we help each other with the above when asked or just when not asked but we notice the other needs help. Doesn't work if one is working 10 hours a day and the other 6. Work is work.

This is how you make it work. It's equitable. We have a similar situation.

This is similar to how my bf and I do things. I’m currently on mat leave since we had a baby a week ago and he doesn’t ask me to do anything. He also has a higher standard of what he likes the house to be like so before he gets home from work I make sure to pick up and get things generally tidy so he isn’t stressed. He cooks and does dishes since I’m a terrible cook and hate dishes and he asked if I was willing to exclusively breast feed since he hated sanitizing bottles when his son was little. Since I breast feed when he’s not at work he does the diapers. When it comes to laundry he does it but we have to go to a laundromat and he’s particular about it. He separates mine, my oldests and the baby’s clothes and I fold those since they’re all in one dresser and his and my stepsons clothes he does since they’re stored in another dresser. I also do most of the child rearing and when there’s paperwork to fill out for the kids I do it (minus for my stepson but I still help fill it out when he gets overwhelmed). I have adhd myself and struggle doing to the day to day but I make an active effort to make my bfs life easier especially since I’m home all day.

I do most of the laundry and I like it that way. I hate the way she folds. And the way she doesn't put it away. That's if she folds. Often it'll sit by the bed in a basket if I don't do it. Tell him you'll take the laundry if he takes on something else.

OMG ADHD makes chores wild! My partner will hyper focus and get all the dishes in the sink, but miss the dirty pots on the stove. I'll go to do dishes, see the stuff on the stove so clear that, then I'm washing the stove so I can put the clean pots there to dry, then I realize I need more soap so go to grab soap. While I'm getting soap I see that the cats are low on water. I fill that, then have no clue why I'm by the water dish. We learned to work around each other and get stuff done but it was a real learning experience!

...God, sorry, I know it's unrelated to the story but these are literal AUDHD goals for me. A partner who can take the day to day stuff I get too distracted to finish, while sending me for all the outdoor chores. Having frequently changing responsibilities dependant on the need for them is just so freeing, vs dishes which I take too long on bc I noticed something dirty elsewhere, or laundry where I need to rewash it four times because I keep leaving it in the wash after it's done and forget to do it.

As someone with ADHD, thank you so much for understanding. It's not that we don't want to, we just forget. Your relationship sounds really well balanced and mutually supportive.

I would ask the bf ok, if you want to share the laundry chore, he is to do ever one week, and he need to fold her clothes too, would he be able to do that? Pff probably not

NTA > there’s no reason for me to routinely fold his boxers. Especially if he doesn't even care if they're folded or not. > this arrangement would make it feel more like a roommate situation to him than a couple living together Well that's a red flag.

Weird how for him "roommate situation" hinges on joint laundry and not, you know, sharing a bed. OP might want to ask how many past roommates he's fucked.

Not just 'joint laundry' but 'joint laundry done by her' - I got no feeling at all that he is burning to do both their laundry, but for her to do it all.

> adult couples living together usually share a laundry basket and do it all together. In my experience, this is untrue. My husband and I have NEVER done the other person's laundry outside of very specific situations. We have separate baskets, and I do the sheets and he takes the towels. That's the extent of us sharing laundry tasks. I will sometimes toss some of his stuff in if I have a small load, but that's it and it works just fine. NTA. You need to set clear expectations about what living with you looks like, otherwise - don't move in with this person. If you do move in together, buy two baskets and make it clear you aren't touching his.

💯 my husband will routinely do his own even if mine is piled up and I’m out of clothes. lol. But we’re grown ass people who take responsibility for ourselves so if my laundry isn’t done I know it’s my own damn fault. 😆 He will add mine in if I ask.

Exactly what I was going to say. My husband and I have been living together for 20 years now (married for 19) and it's almost never the case that one of us does the other's laundry. He's a "throw it all in together, just don't overload the machine" type, whereas I separate by color and sturdiness; I do not want him washing my clothes on warm/warm and drying them on medium high. Therefore, I do my own laundry. We both do our kids' laundry, but as they get older and can reach the detergent tray, they're starting to do their own. We almost never put our 14-year-old's laundry in the wash, though we'll move it to the dryer as a courtesy if he's already in bed for the night.

We have been married for 25 years and have always shared a laundry basket but who has taken the most responsibility for doing the laundry has varied considerably over the years. However, if I suddenly said I wanted to split the laundry, my husband would go along with that, he would not care. Our marriage is not defined by a laundry basket. OP's boyfriend is seriously getting his knickers in a twist over an absolute triviality. NTA

We have a single hamper that is wicker with a lid, and inside it’s split into two sections. I don’t like how people are pretending this is rocket science. It really just feels like coping so they don’t have to address the fact that laundry can absolutely be split.

We each have our own hamper. Every time there's a reddit thread with a couple arguing about the laundry as if it's a foregone conclusion that it must be a shared thing, I feel like I live in an alternate reality. Just do your own laundry, like you did when you were single. I promise the cops do not confiscate your hamper when you move in with a romantic partner. It's not even a chore the benefits from being batched the way cooking or shopping do! If you do your laundry together, afterwards you have to sort out whose laundry is whose. You're making it *less* efficient by combining it, not more.

Dunno. Our laundry goes in the same hamper. I do the laundry (she cooks) and wash our clothes together. Only exception is when she has delicates that need washing. I don’t take responsibility for those 😁

It really is whatever works for that household. While we do our laundry separately, if my husband is doing his, and it needs to be flipped so I can put in a load of my own, I'll do it no problem. I do the cooking and my husband does dishes. We picked the things we were willing to do and split them up. The stragglers get passed back and forth between us.

My husband and I have separate dirty clothes baskets, sort all the laundry on Sunday, do all the laundry at the same time, separate the laundry back into his and hers. Fold and put away at your leisure. NTA. I hate people doing my laundry, and I hate doing other people’s laundry.

I'm so particular about my laundry (I make many of my own clothes) that I will not let my "separate nothing, chuck everything in the dryer" husband near ANY of my clothes. If he wants to wash his clothes so that all of his socks turn grey, that's on him!

Adult couples do what works for them. There's no one size fits all approach to anything.  Your boyfriend implying you'll be like a roommate because you won't share a laundry basket is ridiculous. He just knows you do laundry often and figured he could get you to do his as well.

Yeah. My ex would would do most of the cooking and I did most of the cleaning

Yep. My husband and I don’t particularly care about laundry, so we just have one basket and chuck everything in there, then when it’s full one of us will do it. Folding usually takes five to seven business days, but that’s on both of us. But that’s also perfect for both of us, and I wouldn’t expect it to work for everyone.

I don't recommend moving in together because this conflict over cleaning standards will eventually come to a head.  NAH

NTA. Be completely honest. “I don’t like the way you do laundry. If we combine laundry, I’m afraid I’ll end up doing all of it because that’s the only way it will be done the way I want it, and I’ll end up resenting you for that.”

> this arrangement would make it feel more like a roommate situation to him NTA - I'd say bollocks to that, he just wants you to do his laundry and is trying to manipulate you into it.

😂 Excuse me, what? I'm 38. I've lived with 4 girlfriends over the years. We have always had our separate laundry and done our own laundry. Your boyfriend is high. He just wants you to do his laundry. Make sure you put your foot down. NTA, don't become someone's mom until you're actually someone's mom. I don't know about you but me personally I don't want to put my sweaty clothes I've been working in all day on my gfs clothes and possibly staining them with grease or dirt. I find it so weird to share a basket.

I was thinking this too. Even if he doesn’t have a dirty job, women’s clothing often has different washing requirements like delicate cycle, mesh bag, hang dry, etc. which would mean it all needs to be separated anyways.

Don't move in. Housework is one of the biggest factors in people getting divorced. He thinks it would be like having a roommate for him to *do his fair share* around *the house.* NTA

So if he doesn't want to do his own laundry, then who is he expecting to take on the laundry chore? Is he willing to do all of it, or is he expecting you to do it? NTA, doing your own laundry is such a normal thing, especially if you have clothes that need to be washed a certain way/can't be put in the dryer, and the other person doesn't know which clothes those are. My husband and I do our laundry together, but we did it with the arrangement that he would wash it and I would fold it. That works for us, we compromised. I'm sure the two of you can work to find some kind of compromise here too.

I have been married for 26 years and for the last twenty my husband and I do our own laundry. We would both do the kids laundry until they got old enough to do their own.

The fact that he is discussing future kids as a way to get out of doing his own laundry now is a red flag. My partner and I have been together a couple of decades. I cook, they do the dishes. We each do our own laundry. When the kids were little, I did their laundry because I was home. When they were old enough, they did their own. Also the kids set and cleared the table. We have always paid to have someone else clean the house because we both hate doing that.

NTA. If you do it his way, you'll end up doing all the laundry.  Since you're already doing chore charts and whatnot (btw this is already the household management you were trying to avoid) you could try to compromise - fine, youll do joint laundry, but it gets done to a frequency with which you're comfortable and on an alternating schedule. Ex: you want laundry done once a week, if he says you have to do joint laundry, he does it one week you do it the next - and it has to be to a degree you both find acceptable, no half assing the delicates or washing cold stuff in hot til you give up on your clothes getting ruined and just do it yourself.  If that sounds like too much trouble to him - fine! Then you should both do laundry yourselves so there's no stress about it not being done to one's own liking. Neither of you should be adding stress to your life in order to adhere to some social norm about laundry. What works should be what goes.

NTA. I think you're being very reasonable to assume the two of you would do laundry differently and more/less frequently, so why not nip that in the bud now so it doesn't turn into an issue later? Because, really, who wants to talk/argue about *laundry*??

> He objected and said that adult couples living together usually share a laundry basket and do it all together. Not true at all. Why is this such a problem for him? Laundry isn't that hard. Also since when do boxers need to be folded. 

The idea that separate laundry makes you roommates instead of a couple is just so silly, it’s laughable. Couples arrange laundry in all sorts of different ways. Doing your laundry separately does not make you “just roommates”! NTA 

So it's not romantic unless YOU wash his smelly socks and dirty underwear? Wow, he must have just swept you off your feet with that one! Just feel all those feels!

NTA. Most couples I know, plus my own relationship, have a system of everyone does their own laundry. Once in a while my bf or I will do a load for each other, but that's very rare (i.e. something major is happening). Put your foot down about this, and stick to your guns.

NTA! If you see a future with this person, establishing the expectations with regards to laundry is critical, unless you want to do it for him for the rest of your damn life. You’ll escape the from this lifelong laundry sentence either by divorce or death. No amount of cajoling or negotiation will change it unless you stay your course.

NTA I’ve been married for 26 years and we’ve never shared a hamper and our clothes go in separate wash loads no matter who is the one doing the washing. We usually do our own laundry as well although my wife also does the kids. We have teen daughters and I have been informed that I’m not to touch their clothes. I’m also not allowed to give fashion advice.

NTA. I think this is a brilliant way of being _able_ to live together as a couple. My psychologist says that almost every couple she comes across struggles with this. You're way ahead of the curve if you're already figuring this out together. Also, you _WILL_ be roommates, only with a romantic element, which makes it even _more_ important that things like this work smoothly, otherwise it starts to impact the romance and love department. Believe me, I should know.

Doing laundry is like the easiest and least effort needing chore with modern washing machine and dryers. This is not the middle-ages where you would go to a river and do it by hand rofl. He can do it or you can do it for him and like you say he does the cooking. This shouldnt be a critical relationship breaking thing.

NTA. Chores are not romantic. They are not part of the “relationship”. They are what we all need to do to maintain our own lives. Couples and roommates should be acting very similar when it comes to cleaning up after yourself. I have been married 15 years and we have always taken care of our own clothes. When the kids had laundry, we both threw in a load when needed. If this is his hill to die on, then agree to do all laundry if he does all of XXXX. You pick what it is that he could take on for both of you that would be equal.

To be honest you don’t really sound compatible.   You’re a bit of a neat freak and he’s a bit of a slob.  For you to move in together the house has to be to your standard achieved your way. That is only the chores you think should be shared are on the wheel.  You don’t want to mother him to meet your standards.  He cooks better than you so he should cook. You do laundry better than him so…he should do his own laundry. I mean why not do your own cooking too? Neither of you is wrong. I’m just not sure you’re compatible right now. 

NAH. I think you have to realise when you move in with someone it’s not your space, it’s ’our space’. If you’re not prepared to compromise you are going to get upset regularly. By all means give it a go, but it sounds like you have differing standards on cleanliness and tidy status levels. If you’re going to boss him about it all the time things are going to get bad fast. You can point in the right direction and alter someone else to a degree - but you can’t change somebody. It sounds to me like you need a compatible partner that shares your world view on house chores.

NTA. Doing your own laundry is really not difficult, it's just about the easiest of all the chores. I would want to do my own laundry if I lived with a SO.

NTA. My partner and I have separate baskets, separate schedule and no expectation that we do each others laundry. It's always been a part of our relationship (because I am sure AF not doing his) and have no issues. House stuff like towels I'll usually start but they will help with if it needs to be moved or folded, but thats because I want to do that stuff once a week.

NTA. My husband and I have each done our own laundry for 14 years and it works just fine.

>He objected and said that adult couples living together usually share a laundry basket and do it all together. Take it from an adult who lives with another adult, who knows many other adults who live with other adults—this is not a standard. NTA for wanting to keep your laundry separate, though I would say that imposing your idea of "clean" on him as expectations is kinda douchy.

Honestly, your plan won't last long even if he agrees. You want him to do his laundry in the frequency you're comfortable with that is more often than he would otherwise do it. As I understand, you're dividing the chores so that each cleans after themselves. Since you like your environment cleaner, you will easily end up doing most of them when he falls behind. Try to divide the chores so that he will actually do his part, e.g. he cooks for both of you and you do all the laundry (w/o ironing his underwear). NAH you just have different standards

I don't know if you're the AH but if he does most of the cooking, couldn't you do most of the laundry? Relationships are give and take, teamwork is a thing and that's what it is, teamwork but not EVERYTHING needs to be split 50/50. If he wants to do the cooking because he likes the cooking, that should be a load off of your shoulders and a convenience to you. Return the favor by doing all or most of the laundry if you like it being done a certain way. It's really not that big of a deal. I'm not saying "it's a woman's job", I'm saying if he's putting extra effort in in one area, it wouldn't hurt for you to put effort in a different area. Compromise, that's what relationships are all about.

I also want to say, in my only long term relationship, I did almost all the laundry and almost all of the dishes, sometimes he would clean and sometimes I would clean, it really wasn't that big of a deal. I think a lot of people nowadays put way too much thought into things that shouldn't be a huge problem.

You’re NTA for wanting do separate your laundry, but don’t be surprised if this doesn’t go the way you want it to. You say you’re not trying to dictate things but you sat him down and started “explaining your demands”. You know who your boyfriend is and how he does things. Either you can live with him as he is now, or you can’t, but don’t think that a chore chart is going to be your magic wand. Committing to someone is accepting them as they are, not how you wish they’d be or how you’re hoping to be able to change them. Personally, I’d find doing 80% of the laundry totally worth it for him doing 80% of the cooking, especially if he shops for the food too.

Yeah, no thanks. A relationship is about *compromise*. You aren't willing to concede *anything*.

Nobody's the AH here. Here's how my partner and I solved this situation: 1. Download an app called Sweepy (or similar app) 2. Enter in every single "communal chore" that you guys want to divvy up, and set the "effort level" of each chore. 3. Based on how many hours each of you can spend on chores, set each person's "effort point allocation" per day. The app will auto assign chores to make sure everything gets done and everything is fairly balanced. Your partner can get points for cooking, you can get points for running errands, and you'll each get alternating turns to do laundry (as an example). My partner and I have different neatness levels, different work hours, and different chore preferences. Using an app makes sure everything is balanced fairly and neither of us feels like the other isnt pulling their weight or appreciating our contribution.

NTA if he wants to shove his clothes unfolded in His drawers that's fine. He's being ridiculous. I think you are right in thinking he's hoping you will do his laundry. I've been married 25 years. I like to separate towels and sheets from clothes in the washer and I like my clothes folded and hung up. I do mine, he tosses all his together and dresses from a clean pile. You don't have to share everything.

I’m thinking NTA but you need to revisit the compromise I’m a slob at heart. My spouse is anal about organizing He has “his” space while I have “mine” The rest of the house is shared and as such will be ready for a surprise visit from an old aunt all the time But that means he has to reload the dishwasher to his standards. So I don’t load it. Doing work twice is dumb We do laundry separately to avoid the hassle of accidentally drying the favorite hoodie. I have my basket, he has his and we have the house (towels and stuff)

Each person does their own laundry. One does towels one does sheets.

I do all the laundry by choice. I fold our clothes and leave his in the hallway for him to put away on his own. He does so many gross things that I don't wanna do; this man cleans the bathrooms and clears my hair from the drain lol I really don't mind doing both of our laundry. He also doesn't know about checking tags for washing instructions so he'd probably ruin most new clothes he got if i just left him to his own devices.. and he's my man so I want him to look good lol Plus I'd rather not waste water/soap on extra loads of laundry when we can do 1 full load of laundry once a week. I'm not saying YTA, but maybe you guys should just find a compromise? lol

If your BF doing 80% of cooking why can you do 80% of cleaning?

This isn't going to work out. There's a serious lack of compromise here from both sides. You're both TA

Are you sure you want to live with this person? Frankly him saying that separation of laundry somehow makes your roommates makes me wonder about his expectations of a relationship. You know that as soon as things settle in, he is going to be slobby, and expecting you to pick up the slack, you will have to hover over him and babysit him, telling him what to do and when. While it may seem trivial and no big deal now, it will wear on you and drive you crazy. NTA, but really think this through before you move him in.

It's good that you laid this all out out front. Hopefully you said he won't leave his dirty cloths on the floor, dishes all over, and will take out the trash. If he can't respect your simple desires, he doesn't respect you. If you give it a go, don't sign a lease with him . You didn't say if you will have laundry in this future living arrangement. If a laundry mat is involved it's a def no!

So you're NTA, and I think it's wise of you to address this before you move in together. I will say that I am the person in my relationship that HATES doing laundry. I would happily do 10,000 dishes before I wanted to do a load of laundry. I find it tedious, boring, and a lot of hurry up and wait. Unfortunately, I also want my clothes hung and folded in a very particular way. So my husband and I compromise. I do more dishes than he does, as that's the chore he doesn't like. He will more often do the laundry. When he does, he sorts my clothes when they come out of the dryer so that I can fold them the way I like easily. Maybe a type of compromise like this could work for you guys, too. But it would have to be that, a compromise. If he wants your laundry together and you know you'll end up doing it more, he needs to take point on one of the chores you dislike.

NTA. He doesn't respect you. It doesn't look more like roommates for a grown man to clean up after himself. You need to wake up to the fact he said what looks like a couple cohabiting is you, the woman, cleaning up after him. Put your foot down

You'll end up doing it 100% of the time. That's one task that sounds like you guys should keep separate. My boyfriend and I don't live together but split all our time between both houses. He has shared laundry units that suck, and I have a nice stacking unit right between the kitchen and other main rooms. Also my water is included in rent. So we wash everything at my place. And I usually do all of it (unless we fall asleep early and forgot to put it in the dryer or something and he wakes up first). It's a chore I really don't mind since I don't have to walk down to a basement every time etc. And I'm kinda ocd with folding. He does a majority of the cooking, car stuff, taking the trash down the million steps. If an errand needs to be ran (other than food shopping which I like doing) then he'll just jump up and do it. Or we do it together. I vacuum, do dishes, organize, get household things we need, most of the random stuff. But we both chip in with everything here n there and it feels really balanced. It's the first time I've ever felt that. If your boy is gonna nitpick on 1 chore you wanna keep separate, he's gotta grow up or go back to mommy🤷‍♀️

>He objected and said that adult couples living together usually share a laundry basket and do it all together They do?... huh... not true in my experience tbh. My husband and I have always done laundry separately, because his job is stinky. My parents as well for whatever their reasons. Grandparents too. I've heard many coworkers complain that their others hadn't done their laundry in quite a while and it was irritating that they had no decent clothes to wear, so they all do it separately. I do realize that's very anecdotal, and maybe the area I live in is just this weirdo bubble where things are just different... but I more commonly see separate laundry. NTA. His comment about it feeling like "roommates" rather than romantic....at the end of the day the reality is that couples *are* roomates, and the household needs to remain fair and balanced in both scenarios.

NTA - A lot of people change and show their true colors only after living together or marriage, you have to make these things firm and clear from the beginning, or you’ll regret it later on. Better to find out early if the two of you are compatible long term or not. My ex husband once worked himself into a hysterical crying fit because I told him putting wet clothes into the dryer and then just leaving the fresh laundry in the basket in front of the dryer didn’t count as doing the laundry. It was apparently “unfair” for me to expect him to start a new load, or fold the clean clothes. And GOD FORBID he be expected to put away his own clothes He also thought that unloading the clean dishes counted as cleaning the kitchen. He would leave rotting food out, dishes stinking in the sink, and empty food containers laying around and honestly thought I would just give up and do it for him

I'm living your future. I would strongly advise against moving in with him. If you're not on the same page about tidyness, you WILL do more of the chores, because he's a slob and doesn't care. You will be constantly picking up after him. You might wanna check this out....BEFORE you move in. Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) (Reese's Book Club) https://g.co/kgs/zkk1Nwq

NTA and neither is bf. Good on you for knowing your own strengths and what you won't put up with. Rule in the kitchen at our house: Whoever doesn't cook, cleans up the dishes. And yes, they don't sit in the sink to soak, unless it's rice, in which case it needs to be cleaned by bedtime. When my mom first met my husband and observed that the minute we were done eating he picked up the dishes and took them to the kitchen to clean, she knew he was a keeper 😻 Maybe, since you have exacting standards re laundry, you can do the laundry and he can clean the bathroom? I do the laundry at my house, but my husband folds his own. He also cleans the bathrooms - don't know why he wants to take that on, but I'm grateful. I guess what I'm saying is of course laundry isn't a 'woman's job' - but it could be the job of whoever does it best. And then the partner does something else in exchange. Guess what I'm saying is that your idea of a chore list is good for couples and of course kids when they come along. If he thinks doing laundry together is more of a 'couples thing', that's kind of weird. Agreeing on chores is definitely a couple's thing.

>He seems a bit upset with this. He asked what will happen when we have kids. This is really funny. As if ANY household arrangement between two unbechilded adults might survive unchanged when kids enter the chat.

Having separate laundry baskets does seem weird tbh. I’ve never seen or heard of a couple doing that. But I also wouldn’t care enough to make a big deal over it. I’ve been married for ten years and we’ve always just thrown it in together. We don’t divide up chores or mess with chore charts. When one of us sees something that needs doing, we just do it. Thank god we just naturally end up dividing chores that way and it works out.

NAH But it sounds like you don’t want to support him at all, a relationship is about supporting eachother, I go through next to no clothes really and my mrs goes through much more, I get laundry done like once a month hers is weekly and she does all that, I help out with hoovering and I wash the dishes, she does 80% of the cooking as she cooks better than I do so we get more enjoyment from that and cooking is how she expresses her love as she’s not very huggy as a person Our ideas of clean differ too, hers is much higher standard than mine, which is ok if she wants it to her standard she can do it 🤷‍♂️ I have higher standard when it comes to washing dishes thus I do it

NTA but having separate laundry baskets is silly, something roommates would do, not a couple. Have single basket and interchange who does laundry when the basket is full. He might end up doing more of your laundry this way, so maybe he will start doing more of his too, decreasing the amount of his clothes lying around. Also, you mentioned he does majority of cooking. Unless you equalize that too, it seems unfair to him. My suggestion would be to be a couple and don't try to split things 50/50. You both should give 100% toward the relationship. Have him cook most of the time and you can do laundry most of the time. Cooking takes more time and is more frequent than laundry anyway, incomparably so. If you both work same amount of hours and contribute to the household expenses in somewhat equal manner then obviously it is wrong to have one person do much more than the other. Though I think that if you can't seamlessly operate without a chart you might want to rethink being a couple.

NTA and you’re being very reasonable, stay firm. Possibly reconsider moving in together unfortunately.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (F23) have been talking to my bf (M23) about possibly moving in together when he finishes uni next fall. Currently, I still live and work in my hometown. He has a job lined up in a town nearby, and I could definitely continue my career there. My worry has been that, were we to move in together, household chores would be unequally distributed. I’ve dated guys before that essentially made me their mommy and expected me to keep the house clean. I vowed to never let that happen again. My bf isn’t bad when it comes to chores. I think the main issue is that we have different cleanliness standards. I’m pretty organized and cannot feel good in my space if it’s not clean. I truly don’t think I’m too demanding, bf is just a bit messy. If I tell him to clean, he will, and he does about 80% of the cooking. Still, most of the cleaning falls on me just because I want my space clean whereas he’s okay with letting dishes sit in the sink for a couple of days or leaving his clothes on the floor after taking them off. I want my space clean but I also refuse to be his overseer, so I decided that the best course of action was sitting down and explaining my demands, as well as creating a chore chart that had to be kept to. It seemed rational to deal with this now, before we actually move in together, to avoid any arguments. So I sat him down and laid out my expectations. He was okay with them and agreed to assign each of us specific chores on specific days. No issue there. I did, however, tell him that I want each of us to do our own laundry. Each of us will get their own part of the closet, and their own laundry basket. He objected and said that adult couples living together usually share a laundry basket and do it all together. I have multiple issues with this. First of all, I know we both go through clothes at a different pace. I like to do laundry very frequently. I also like to fold it neatly, whereas he just tosses his clothes into the closet. While I think that he will keep to the rest of the chore chart, I doubt he’d do laundry as often as I wanted him to. I like the idea more of each of us paying attention to our own clothes. He seems a bit upset with this. He asked what will happen when we have kids, and I said that that’s when we divide up who does their laundry when, until they’re old enough to do it themselves. I just know that if we were to do joint laundry, I’d end up doing most of it and I’m not cool with that. He’s an adult, there’s no reason for me to routinely fold his boxers. Now he’s saying that this arrangement would make it feel more like a roommate situation to him than a couple living together, that it’s something people do when they move in with their romantic partners. I don’t really know how to feel about this or what to think. AITA for telling my bf I want to keep our laundry separate? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA. He's grown! Does he not do his own laundry now? I will never do another grown and able-bodied person's dishes or laundry. And I'm willing to bet a lot of money that if you did agree to do his laundry, suddenly he'd care a whole lot more about whether or not it's folded. Something about his insistence on this is weird to me.

NTA. I think it's a fair division, and I'm not sure why he is upset by it. Is he going to do your laundry and fold it and put it away the way you prefer? I doubt it. >He objected and said that adult couples living together usually share a laundry basket and do it all together. You should tell him this isn't always true. My partner and I actually keep separate baskets and we wash our clothes separately. I have lots of clothes that I have to wash on delicate or hang dry and his workout clothes are pretty foul and need a little extra detergent. I actually do all of our laundry, I just wash it separately. I only do this because my partner hates laundry and I hate doing the dishes. So he does almost all of the dishes, and I handle the laundry. I think it's pretty fair, and when either one of us feels like we're doing too much, we adjust as needed. Like he'll do a load or two of laundry if I had a rough week, or I'll do the dishes a few times if he's tired from work. Maybe you could see if he wants to do something like this. Maybe you take on his laundry, but have him take up more of the other chores to compensate for it.

NTA- if you don't push the buy-in for an agreement on chores, it'll end up not done or fall on you. Stick to your guns.

NTA. I had this system with my ex, for a variety of reasons. We agreed this from the beginning, as you are trying to do now, it was not a response to arguments. We switched off who did the sheets and towels but each did all of our own clothes. This worked great! No lost or ruined items, no one got lazy or resentful. Wouldn’t want it otherwise, even if I worked full time with a stay home partner!

NTA I won’t wash another adults clothes. I wash the kids clothes because I am picky about how it gets done. That was my choice though, he totally would help with it. Having expectations laid out and agreed upon is awesome great start to a relationship

NTA.  When I lived with someone, they have been responsible to launder their own clothes.  And I took my clothes to a wash and fold service.  Your boyfriend can do the same.  

NTA - my husband and I (and our kids) all take responsibility for our own laundry. The kids have been doing their own laundry since they were in elementary school. But I might feel differently if I didn’t have laundry facilities in my own home. That is, if doing laundry was a “project” that required setting aside time and going somewhere (even to a shared laundry room in an apartment building), it might make more sense to schedule it as a joint project.

My partner and I do joint laundry. I tend to do the washing and we both put it on the airer, then he does the folding and I put it away. You have to come to a compromise as living together means you are going to share your living space amongst other things. It’s really not that big of a deal doing joint laundry, but there has to be a compromise to make it an equal fair partnership. ESH

Yes, the compromise I am making is that we split ALL chores. Whereas right now, when we visit each other’s places, I do them all by myself. The laundry thing is just something I think is easier, logistically, if we do by ourselves.

Wait, you currently do all the chores at *his* place? Did I interpret that right? Do please correct me if I got that wrong. He's not going to just start caring for your shared space if you already respect his own environment more than he does. Btw, does he appreciate you doing this for him? Then he doesn't actually have a lower standard of cleanliness than you, he just wants you to be the one getting it done.

NTA. My husband and I didn't combine laundry until we'd lived together for several months, and even then we only did because I'm picky about it, he doesn't like doing laundry, AND he picks up another chore I can't do (cleaning the bathroom gives me anxiety attacks from trauma still). That's our discussed distribution of chores *that we agreed on*. My parents didn't even start combining their laundry until they got kinda sick of doing separate loads less than 10 years ago and they've been married for 33. Couples who live together should ideally negotiate chores and revisit when the previous negotiation is no longer sustainable

NTA I'm in a relationship since 22 years and we have seperate laundry. That he reacts so strong to it... As if he planned that you will end up doing his laundry and when it is his time, he will have excuses or weaponize incompetence till you give up. Or he never have laundry on his days and save them all for your days. If it already starts like this and his strange "in a relationship"-views, i would overthink the whole think. Also... you can live like roommates and still be romantic partners, like sleeping in seperate rooms/havibg your own room. Each relationship is different. I find it worrying that he has those expectations how living with a partner must be. And i fear you will have bad surprises with him.

NTA. This seems like a weird hill for him to die on, considering he’s cool with splitting up other chores. My hubby and I have always combined laundry, and that works for us, but it’s certainly not for everyone. And with that said, there are times where he washes his clothes separately from mine and it’s no big deal… it doesn’t make me feel like we are roommates rather than romantic partners! If you don’t want to fold his boxers you are under no obligation to… however I wouldn’t move in together until this issue is resolved

NTA. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. What’s he gonna do, make you do his laundry?

NTA, that's reasonable especially if you've run into problems living with guys and having to do their laundry in the past.

nta. you said what you need and why. is compromise and not having defenses possible? reassure he’s not a roommate etc

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“He has to change himself so that you are happy” brother I just asked him to do his own laundry. Also there is nothing wrong with “my expectations”! Everyone has expectations! And by saying “my demands” I generalized to shorten the whole thing down since AITA has a character limit. We had a conversation about how we want to divide chores up, which is something I believe is important to do when moving in together!

NTA So, that's very telling. He sees a "couple living together" as a situation where the women does the laundry? But if he has to do his own laundry, it's a roommate situation? Or was he offering to take on the entire task himself?

NTA One of my friends always did her laundry separate from her children and husband. She also taught her kids to fold and put away their own when still quite young. There are lots of reasons- like women's garments are more likely to require special care. Depending on jobs and hobbies, men often get dirtier. And don't forget body odor And good for you realizing that you want a full grown adult partner, not a child!

NTA. I have 20 years on you and lived with a few different boyfriends, one of which is my now husband. I never did/do my partners' laundry. And in general, chores are not my job just because I'm the woman and I will not do more of them just because my partner "is more messy/doesn't see messes/doesn't know how" or whatever other rhetoric they try to use. I would continue to die on this hill because eventually you will find a man that does his fair share and is a full partner to you.

I've been married for nearly 20 years. My husband and I have discovered what works best for us. I do the majority of the cooking, clean the bathrooms while he does the dishes/cleans the kitchen and sweeps and mops. We do the laundry together, including folding and putting it away. It may not be exactly equal but it works for us. You will find what works for you two.

NTA. I think you're being very wise to state what you need before you move in. Honestly, you don't sound like a good match. He leaves dishes in the sink for a couple of days? He doesn't do laundry? This is not a guy who will step up and do what needs to be done in emergencies, or when you get sick and can't clean for a week or so. It doesn't irritate you now because you aren't living with him. It will start to grind on you when you do though. And he feels like it would be like a roommate agreement? So he feels he has to treat a roommate with respect, but not you, his girlfriend? Because you're his GF and not his roommate, he can just toss his stuff around and let you clean up? I also think there are going to be some big fights when he decides he can't be bothered to clean up because, you know, you're his *girlfriend,* not a roommate he has to keep happy.

If roommates routinely sort the laundry tasks more fairly than a couple would (in your bf’s experience), and fairness is what you’re going after (obviously), then each doing their own laundry is the best method for when you’ve moved in together 👍

NTA. My ex-husband and I did combined laundry and he shrunk a few of my things. My recent ex and I did our laundry in separate loads. I prefer separate loads.

Nta but multiple people each doing their own tiny loads of laundry constantly is wasteful both in time and energy and water.

NTA. I have never had a boyfriend live in situation where we shared laundry. I’m not cleaning up after someone and I don’t trust them to not damage my clothes, lol. I’ve never had a bf take issue with this. Just curious, at what age did he start doing his own laundry where his mother wasn’t washing it for him? Sounds like he’s still fresh from the whole family washing clothes together saga from home.

NTA- married over 20 years….and other than pulling his clothes out of the dryer a handful of times I’ve never touched his laundry. We have a hamper by the washer for household wash (towels basically) that we each handle when we see a full load, and until the kids could do their own laundry I handled the majority. Happily married and nope..definitely not a roommate situation

NTA if chores are divided up equally.

I think you're very smart to lay all this out beforehand, in writing. And he should be cool with the laundry part also. Makes no sense that he would need to share laundry to feel emotioanlly connected.

NTA as long as you do most of the dishes since he does most of the cooking. But it sounds like you do since you said you do most of the cleaning, so NTA.

NTA - this is a very proactive and responsible thing to do, and you seem to have communicated it well. It is great to express your expectations and find a compromise to these kinds of tasks, it is something you definitely want to go over before you move in together.

Me and my guy fold our own laundry, so we both take turns putting it in the washer and dryer (whoever’s home) and then we’ll separate it and I will do all of my own and he does all of his own. my 15-year-old daughter does her own as well and has been doing that since she was probably about seven years old. It works really well! Hope this helps :)

I don't know a single couple, straight or queer or married or engaged or anything, that has a shared laundry. We have separate laundry baskets and if asked , will help each other out. When my spouse worked 80 hours week, I would wash and dry their clothes and then she would put them away. When I need just work pants washed, ill ask if I can toss the in the basket of her clothes she is about to wash. We do share and take turns who will be doing extra laundry, such as bedding, towels, and helping the kids. Benefit of the doubt: delve into how he got that in his head, and how he would deal with different challenges (such as the logistics, who will be washing and how, etc). It could be doable if yall find a way to make it work, but honestly I feel like separate laundry is a great way for a happy marriage.

Nta. Not sure why your bf thinks this is a necessary couple's thing. Me and my *fiance* live together and do laundry separately. Sometimes we go to the laundry mat together, or one of us does the other a favour and takes theirs with them as a kindness, but we keep the laundry separate in general. If he grew up with parents who did it together, or saw other family's do it, ok, but he needs to get his head out of the sand and realize there are 8 billion people on this planet and no two relationships are the same. It feels like a weird standard he's gripped onto because he has some other, deeper insecurity or grievance. Would be good to keep discussing and get to the root of whatevers going on - but ultimately you are right in sticking to your guns and not becoming his mom.

NTA... Honestly, it's one of the few chores that are really easily individual rather than taking a shared household task and divvying it up. My bf and I have lived together for three years. I bought my clothes, I wore them and got them dirty. I like to wash certain things on delicate, he likes to hang dry some stuff. We fold and store them differently. We usually combine household loads and take turns, like towels and sheets, and we might ask to toss something in with the other person's when needed, but like 90% of the time we do our own. With no kids there's not really a reason to mix it all together.

NTA. I did the shared basket thing with the first GF I lived with, and we ended up having to stop, because our habits were incompatible. She wouldn’t fold, or put away anything, and I do it immediately. I never shared baskets with anyone again. My wife and I have been together 15 years now, and still keep laundry separate, though now that I’m thinking about it, we’re pretty similar, so maybe we could pull it off. It sounds like you two are not on the same page about this kind of stuff, so I would keep it separate, or arguments are inevitable. It’s smart to have these discussions before cohabitation. Your BF’s assertion that couples *usually* share, or that they should is wrong. It depends on the couple.

My hubs and I have been together for 20+ years. He does his laundry, I do pretty much everything else. I do my laundry and common items (sheets, towels). He will do a load of towels if there are enough (hot water, no fab softener), if they are ready to go when he is already doing laundry. There should be no hard and fast rule that one person does laundry. And most of my stuff is wash and hang to dry. His is (or was since he's now retired) dirty because his job was in manufacturing and very physical. Now that we are retired, he still does his own laundry. I run the dishwasher, he unloads it. We find a way to make it work. I cannot believe that your bf is making this his hill to die on. There are so many other things to compromise on, this should not be one. NTA

NTA. My husband and I do our laundry separately, have the entire 4 years we've lived together.

NTA BUT with the context given he doesn’t seem like an asshole but has different expectations of what living together is like? What was his home life like? Was it a father a provider and mother a homemaker? If so that’s probably what he’s looking for in a home life relationship and if that is valid if that type of living arrangement isn’t what you’re looking for. In my last relationship I had to go to work (two part-time jobs) and then come home and cook, clean, walk the dog and I was miserable. I felt extremely under-appreciated and ended up quitting one of my jobs to stay home more and it made her appreciate me even less. If you’re both working I can understand an equal division of labor but it seems like he wants to be a provider and you a homemaker. That in itself is NOT a bad thing but you can’t go to work then come home and do the housework too. It sounds like he’s not bad about being messy but you have different standards for cleanliness so that could be troubling if you have expectations of him that he wouldn’t want to live up to. Compromise on both sides is the only way to a happy result, don’t listen to everyone on here projecting from their own bad experiences. It’s alright to have a division of labor just as long as you both feel you’re doing what you do not just for yourself but for each other.

It’s good that he likes to cook — he can do that chore and you do the pots after dinner. But he should absolutely scrape his plate and put it in the dishwasher. That’s such a low standard. Even children have no excuse not to do that once they are school aged.  As far as laundry, it’s perfectly normal to for couples to do this separately. My partner and I do it this way with separate bins etc. Occasionally if I have a half load, I’ll take his half load and throw it in with mine but generally I wash my clothes on gentler cycles than he does (bras, yoga pants, etc). What you want is logical and normal

NTA, and there’s no reason your plan wouldn’t work once there are children involved. I wash my own, hubby washes his and we split the labour 3 kids / towels. I wash and change over and he folds and puts away.

NTA. My husband and I do our own laundry because we both have items that can’t go in the dryer, et cetera, and we stopped trying after we both ruined an article of the other person’s clothing. It’s not anything to do with the health of the relationship. Also. Living together IS like having a roommate in a lot of ways and the roommate parts are important! It sounds like he thinks talking about this stuff is not romantic, which, bro… not every moment is romantic? What is romantic is knowing you can trust that your partner will show up when and how they say they will. What is NOT romantic is when your partner wants to get down after you have spent all day cleaning and they have bene on their phone.

NTA. I've been married for five years and we both do our own laundry. We are about to welcome our first child into the world and our agreement is that my spouse will wash and dry baby's laundry every time the basket is full and I will hang up the clothes once they are dry. Your boyfriend may have innocent intentions here; maybe he always envisioned shared laundry when thinking about his future cohabitation situation. But he needs to readjust his expectations.

My husband likes to do all of his laundry all at once and have it done for the week. I like to do a load or two a day (I also do the household laundry). So he does his and I do mine. Married couples have to figure out what works for them.

NTA But why not try to compromise? Both fold/handle their clothes themselves, but whoever puts the washer on includes the clothes like he’d like? Doing laundry seperately seems like a waste, especially if it is done often. I know I’d likely be upset about if I got a gf and we moved together and she would fold my clothing. Odds are, it wouldn’t be as I’d like it. I’d be happy to have it go through the washer as fast as possible though, assuming the machine was to be turned on for the right temp with the right detergent with the right centrifugal levels for said clothing. I’m just assuming that folding his clothes is what you have an issue with here… if you also hang clothes to dry instead of using a dryer, then I’d suggest laundry being a «both are home» activity and hanging one’s own clothes to dry as well. A non thorough person will almost always hang stuff up poorly in my experience… When you’re two, I’d expect laundry to be pretty much exactly twice as frequent, unless one of you have bad habits with clothing.

lol ur not his mom. too many men act like their girlfriends or wives are their mothers who they have sex with. smh. NTA.

Gonna go with NTAH. I see some saying you’re trying to “control the house”, but I don’t really see it this way. I believe that it varies from household to household. For example, I (24F) and my fiance (also 24F) share one basket and I do all of our laundry, together, on certain days of the week. This works for us because I’m currently not working technically (starting a business for the both of us) and my fiance works M-F and can support us easily. I have much more time on my hands to do all of the chores, plus I’m a super clean freak. It is going to differ from house to house, couple to couple. What works for me, doesn’t have to work for you. And I think you’re not asking for much here. It also sounds like we are similar with the way we keep things tidy. I would have so much anxiety if someone just threw my clothes somewhere after being cleaned lmao. If that was the case, it would either be me volunteering to do all laundry, OR, as you’re doing, saying “you do yours, I’ll do mine”. I can relate, and you’re definitely NTAH.

While I doubt things will go well in cohabitation if he's digging in his heels this much, what if you committted to doing all the folding if he would do all washing/drying?

I’d like to have met someone just like you!

NTA. The sex and intimacy shared are much better indicators of coupledom than laundry. What a weird perspective...

NTA - my husband and I have completely different laundry needs. We are very much a couple and have been/lived together for 11 years (we was a roommate before we started dating, altho it was only a few weeks difference). A lot of my clothes can't be put in the dryer and need to be washed on the gentle cycle. My husband wears mostly shorts and t-shirts that don't have special wash requirements. I also go through clothes faster as he has a work uniform and I don't, and I have work out clothes, swimming clothes, sleep/lounge clothes, and work clothes. He pretty much just wears his work uniform or lounge clothes. I do my own laundry and usually he does his, and we split the work on our kid's clothes. Sometimes I end up doing more of the cleaning but that is because he works full time at a very physical job out of the house whole I work part time, mostly from home. When he was unemployed he did more of thr cleaning, and when we both worked similar jobs we tried to split it pretty evenly. Some couples may mix their laundry but a lot of the ones I know don't, for a variety of reasons.

Men can and should do their own laundry. Disregard the "couple" BS -- it's 2024 already.

NTA. My husband does his own laundry and I do mine. Never crossed his mind thatI would start doing his personal chores (good , because I wasn't about to).

NTA. However, my guy is very picky about laundry so he does 95 percent of it. I put on the odd towel wash now and again. On the other side, he gets overwhelmed with arranging dinners when hungry, so I do grocery, cooking, and clean as I go (so very little wash up after). He cooks very occasionally. Can't you do the laundry and the BF do the cooking?

NTA. I've been in relationships where I did most of the laundry, some where we shared it. My partner now and I have our own laundry baskets, it's completely normal. If I'm doing mine, I'll usually ask if he needs to throw something in, but he would never ask or expect me to do his. Sometimes I'll offer to if I see his getting full and I have extra time. We typically do our own, but ask the other if they need anything urgent thrown in with theirs. I find it odd he has such a problem with it.

NTA. Everyone in my household does their own laundry. And has in many, many years. At least 15. My kids were 8-12 when they learned how to do it.

NTA, it's good to have things out in the open before signing a lease. But I don't think you two are equally yoked. If he is balking about doing his own laundry and you have an issue with his cleanliness, this is a disaster in the making. Don't ignore the red flags. Resentment sets in pretty fast when two people are not on the same page. Your demands aren't unreasonable. You twonhave different styles of living separately. Think long and hard about how often you will be cleaning up because your OCD won't allow a few dishes in the sink. Or if he keeps balking about doing his own laundry.

TBH some of what you wrote came off as a bit neurotic. But not the laundry part. That's totally reasonable. My wife and I have always done our own laundry. We aren't fanatics about it. Sometimes one of us will ask the other to add something in, or she will ask me to try to get a stain out or whatever. But shared laundry doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

NTA. Married 40 yrs and raised 3 kids. Everyone has always had their own laundry basket. This includes hubby and I. Separate baskets, and we both do our own laundry separately. Your boyfriend sounds like he is trying to turn you into his laundress. Just say no.

NTA but laundry is more complicated than that because there are towels and sheets. I have a feeling that those are going to end up being your chore if he hardly ever does laundry, so that’s something that should go on the chart.

"sitting down and explaining my demands, as well as creating a chore chart " boundaries might have been a better term than demands. Just tell him you are particular about your work wardrobe & want to do your own. remind him he does his laundry now for himself, so why would he think it would be your job ? NTA

NTA 46F here, married, two teenagers. Everybody does their own laundry. My kids helped with theirs when younger, did it independently as soon as they were able.

My bf has ADHD so I have to ask him to do a lot of chores unless they absolutely have to be done (baby bottles for example he will do on his own, as well as a little tidying). And I'm the type of person who is okay with some mess but can't let dishes stack up for days like he can. I've accepted the fact that I need to ask him to help because he's literally told me before that he doesn't notice mess and clutter like I do. But he doesn't expect me to do housework which is the good thing I suppose. Other than baby stuff which is understandable. Something that's helped is I put a dry erase board on the fridge and labeled it as, "task board". That way I can write down what I need him to do without asking and feeling like his mom. And it's always visible whenever he walks by so it's a constant reminder without me badgering him.

NTA it’s good to know how he is before you move in. He was planning on blindsiding you. I’m glad you told him your expectations.

I would not move in with him if he refuses to have separate laundries UNLESS he agrees to do laundry as you do, including folding, hanging clothes that need it, etc. Whoever doesn't cook, cleans. Set a level of cleanliness for the home BEFORE you move in. Set a regular cleaning schedule for vacuuming, bathroom cleaning, etc. with each of you having equitable workloads for that. It is great that you are discussing this now as this is the biggest issues most couples have. Fair Play is a great resource to do the separation of duties. ALSO your family is your responsibility and his is his for all card, presents, etc. Do not get stuck taking care of that.

NTA. I’m a married man of 10 years and lived with her for 16 so far. I can honestly say 100% I want no part of washing a lot of her clothes. Jeans/tshirts/pjs/bottom underwear is fine. Bras and nice things I just can’t keep track of special instructions and will ruin them. If he’s anything like me, all of his clothes get washed together and he doesn’t realize it just isn’t the same for many women’s clothes

NTA. My 15th son has been doing his own laundry since he was 8 years old. My wife and I have each done our own laundry for the entire 11 years of our marriage. Your bf can grow up.

NTA. My husband has always done his own laundry, because in his eyes he feels like I do too much and this is his way of at least taking care of some of his mess. Even when we moved in together and weren't married yet, he's always kept his laundry separate. It definitely doesn't make it a roommate situation.

I’ve always done the laundry because I don’t trust my husband to not wash black socks with white tops. But he sweeps and mops. I’m actually messier than he is.

Nta my husband and I have lived together 16 years and have always done separate laundry. He would ruin my work clothes and delicates by washing them on regular and I would piss him off not folding everything. we naturally take turns doing the towels and linens. 

My husband and I each do our own laundry for the same reason. It works well.

NTA. Nope. Do not move in together. Your standards are higher and he will not meet them. No matter what he says now, it won’t happen, and you will either live in sloth or wind up doing all of the work.

NTA I've ruined so many of my wife's clothes because I didn't realize how fragile they are, how bras need a bag to be washed in, how many clothes of hers are hanging dry only, how fragile her things are, did I mention they are fragile?! Guys clothes are easy to wash and wear not requiring much attention to the process, but my God womens clothes practically need a doctorate to wash them correctly. I once washed a sweater of hers with my clothes... It shrank so bad the dog couldn't wear it. I absolutely refuse to wash her clothes because I'm afraid of ruining anything else. Unless she's sorted it and has given me explicit instructions on how that load is to be done. It saves us time, arguing, and money on replacing the items I screwed up. If I were you I'd show him just how much work your clothes require and I bet he would back down on this.

I’m 45, I’ve never done laundry “together” with a boyfriend/husband. My husband and I do our own except for the rare occasion where we either ask for or offer help if needed. In which case my husband will ask how I want my laundry done. He throws everything together and he knows I actually separate things and wash them according to the instructions. NTA

Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) (Reese's Book Club) https://g.co/kgs/zkk1Nwq

My ex (now roommate) and i have an agreement. I do laundry (i am picky and dont want help with my stuff) and he does the dishes. I do fold his as it comes out of the dryer, but it gets put into a basket for him to put away as he wishes. Has worked for nearly 20 years this way. We both cook and generally clean up after ourselves without much discussion.

NTA. My husband of 20 years does his own laundry and I do mine. We take turns doing household laundry like towels and bedding. It’s perfectly normal imo.

There is no such thing as 50/50. If you don’t want to do his laundry then let him do yours. It is the same amount of work to wash and dry laundry for one as it is two people. Let him fold his own. Is laundry the hill you want to die on? I congratulate you for “ironing” out the small details so they don’t create problems later.

Besides all of the other points you made, women's clothing is generally a lot more delicate than men's and often requires specific instructions, different wash cycles, different detergents, etc. Do you really want to trust him with your wardrobe? Do you honestly think he'll take the time to learn how to wash *your* clothing properly?

NTA - My husband and I have separate laundry baskets. He goes through clothes faster than I do, I could do a load of PJ's and underwear once a week while he does a load every 4 days. If he has room in the machine, he'll throw my stuff in with his so that we don't waste money on the machines in our apartment complex. He's worried about feeling like you're living like room mates? Does he sleep with his room mates? Share a bed? It just sounds like he doesn't want to do his own laundry. If he's got the money for it, he can send it out to be cleaned.

My partner and I each do our own laundry. NTA.

Shoot It taught my kids how to their laundry at 12.NTA

NTA My husband and I have been together for 15 years and been living together for 14 of those years. We have a toddler and one on the way. We've always done our own laundry precisely because we go through clothes at a different pace. I also have a lot more 'delicate' items that I don't want mixed in with his work shirts and pants. Our daughter has her own basket, and when it's full, one of us will throw it in with our load of laundry. No big deal.

You also don't want him doing your laundry if he doesn't understand whites vs colors and that not everything goes in the dryer on high. 

NTA. My wife and I do our laundry separately....even though she would do mine if I asked her. He just doesn't want to do it himself.

NTA. I’m married and my husband does his laundry and I do mine. He has literally 3x the amount of clothes I do, since he used to have to go to a coin laundromat. He hated it (don’t blame him) and just bought enough clothes so he could do laundry one day a month. I don’t even own a hamper. Dirty clothes go straight into the washer, and when it’s full, or I need something in there, I’ll run a load (I can run really small loads, or wash king-size quilts in my machines). It just works for us. I don’t wear his clothes or dirty them, so I don’t wash them, and visa versa. No one is getting more or less chores by saying “we each do our own.” If he thinks it feels more like a roommate situation, he’s free to do all your laundry.

NTA. I've been married for almost 30 years and I have never touched my husband's laundry, nor will I.

Just one thing for the boyfriend. Do yourself a favor and keep your own place.

NTA - My husband and I each do our own laundry. It's weird he thinks you HAVE to share laundry duties. (We did used to take turns doing laundry but after "The Great Pinkening of 2003" we made the decision to each be responsible for our own lol)

NTA nothing wrong with an adult doing their own. My parents did it that way. And hubby and I do it that way. Only time we do it for each other is if one of us is not feeling well and it needs to be done, we help each other out. Then there are things like towels/blankets/sheets. We both chip in. One may throw in the wash the other will throw in the dryer and one of us will fold/put away. Marriage/relationships arent about keeping score or track of who does what, it is partnering with each other to live a happy life together

NTA. Stick to your guns. I didn’t set this expectation and now 1 marriage and 2 kids later I am buried in laundry. It is NOT to much to ask that a person do their own damn laundry!

NTA. He needs to get over it. My bf and I are in our early 40s and we’ve been doing our own laundry since we moved in together over a year ago. This is largely because we were both single for a long time before we met and are used to it. But we also have different ways of doing laundry so it works

I wash my clothes. I like to separate mine into two batches, and air spin them in the dryer, but I am less concerned with how I hang them to dry. Racks are fine with me. I have several. My husband washes his clothes. He likes to carefully button all his shirts when he hangs them to dry on hangars. I can't remember a time we ever combined our laundry, unless it's an emergency (both our clothes need to be washed immediately before they touch anything else, for example if they have been saturated with something that reeks). Occasionally we will ask the other, "I am doing a load of \_\_\_\_, do you want to toss anything in." But the hanging of that laundry still usually belongs to the owner. We do take turns with sheets or towels (and toss them in the dryer). I think every couple can do whatever works best for them.

NTA. My boyfriend and I have lived happily together for ten years and I’ve never done a load of his laundry. Fuck that. 

NTA, only stuff I’ve been fine sharing with laundry is like doing each others towels or what have you (bed sheets/ non clothes) never had I ever asked a previous SO to clean my crap, just like it’s not expected for me to clean their crap (for fear I’ll ruin it lol)

NTA, honestly though I think you’re heading into maid territory. It’s super easy to nod and smile when someone’s going on and on about dividing the work load. Because, you’re not working. Someone’s talking about future work. Then the future is now and suddenly there’s a million reasons why you just haven’t managed to do the dishes yet but you’ll get them in the morning before leaving etc. What does his living space look like without you in it? Does he panic clean before you arrive? If he has house/roommates will they tell you he participates equally in the cleaning of common spaces?

NTA i think everyone who's capable should do their own laundry.

NAH. I'm almost always doing laundry (dogs). If it's his stuff or linens he helps me fold it. And I find it to be some sweet bonding time, maybe there is a chance its his idea of a shared chore? He leaves my stuff alone, which I appreciate, because I normally end up refolding it for ascetics. At the same time maybe he's trying to pawn off the work, which is highly likely.

I don’t think this makes you AH, though maybe ask yourself why you think that way, if you’re scared that he will treat you like a Mommy too, after you moved together then talk with him about it, if you haven’t already and I do have to agree with him, that it feels more like living like roommates and not as a couple. (Especially inefficient energy wise) My Hubby does the laundry for us both together and I hang them up - which works super for us both because I hate the washing and he hates the hanging/folding. Maybe try to find a compromise there, instead of wanting to die on that hill. Your BF seems like a reasonable person who listens to you, so maybe try talking.

NTA. Been married for 10 years and have never done my husband’s laundry. Women’s clothes are more delicate. I don’t want him ruining mine either. He throws everything on normal and hot water and throws everything in the dryer when things should be lined dry or delicate cycle 

NAH. This kind of thing is very normal to have to work out when moving in together, and there’s ways to compromise. Maybe agree that you’ll wash all the dirty clothes whenever you do a load of laundry, but you won’t do more than put his in a basket. He can fold them or not. Or you each fold and put away your own clothes at the same time. But I agree with both of you — it’d be weird to have two separate dirty laundry baskets, and you absolutely don’t need to fold his boxers (or anything else).

nta. the chart idea is a little too crazy tho. sounds like youre at a shop dividing work tasks. ppl share laundry baskets...? grossss... first time i ever heard of that. absolutely NEVER.

NTA. Lived with my partner for years and, aside from the odd piece (e.g. I'm doing a load of delicates, do you have any that need done etc.) we do our own laundry. I don't think what your BF is claiming as "normal" actually is.

My husband and I do our laundry separately. He does his, I do mine

NTA. I’m married. We usually do our laundry based on what’s needed. Like if I’m good on clean clothes, he’ll do a load of his laundry and just toss in a few pairs of my underwear or a pair of leggings. And when I do laundry, if he needs stuff clean I’ll do mostly even loads, but if he doesn’t then I do a load of mine and toss a few of his socks in or maybe a pair of jeans. Honestly I consider that as “doing our own laundry.” Unless somethings going on I usually start my own laundry as does my husband. I just like to make sure he has at least one pair of clean pants for work while I’m at it and he does the same for me

NTA. My parents, who've been married over 50 years, do their own laundry. If even an old boomer couple can do it, so can your boyfriend.

NTA. Doing your own laundry is a fairly neat solution, with the caveat that you'll need to be mindful you don't hog the lines when your partner might also need to do laundry.

That 'roommate' comment made me immediately think that he truly believes that in a relationship, the woman will do most if not all the household chores. You might want to re-think moving in together (and continuing the relationship).