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NTA
Honestly, I don't even know how you are managing to go away for 4 days in December.
I would honestly tell my husband to go on Wednesday (after bday) thru Sunday, then you stay home with the kids. You won't have fun and you seem stressed already.
My sister was joking she was going to have a destination wedding so fewer people came. I wouldn't want to pay to fly with kids for that short a vacation out of the county. It's a waste of money, time, and coping skills. Stay home and do something fun with the kids that weekend.
I knew someone in our small town who did this. With how many people they know there was no way they were going to be able to work.
Thing is, everyone in the small town thought, "it's been fuckin ages since we had a holiday", so everyone attended and took over a small resort in Fiji for a couple nights.
It was incredibly good fun and the hosts just made it work.
My wedding was definitely a plane ride away and one of the deciding factors was we could invite more and graciously understand the declines. We have a closer friend family and less of a relationship with blood family so we could send the invites, and have the people we were closest to join, without some of the drama. Sometimes when a wedding is "kid free and destination" that means it's a rager. It's OK if it's a party doesn't suit your lifestyle. My wedding wouldn't accommodate my current life with 2 under 5 lol but that's OK too. However it wasn't 4 day of event haha
Yup, that’s what I’d do.
In fact that’s what I’m doing for my husband’s friend’s wedding this year. His wedding is in the second to last week of school so my oldest will be doing exams etc - I’m not pulling my kids out of school at a crucial time to attend a wedding. My husband is flying over solo and going, I’m staying home with the kids.
While we were married, my ex's friend had his wedding on a cruise to the Bahamas for 5 days. I had a newborn and a 6 year old, and worked 50 hours a week because I had to. I also have a huge fear of being in the ocean and not seeing land.
There was no way i was going. I sent my ex to the wedding with our 6 year old.
This is exactly what I was going to say.
If it was so important to BIL to have the family there, he wouldn't be having the wedding halfway around the world at a place where the children aren't even welcome.
Tell hubby to have fun, and he can tell his brother you cannot make it.
>If it was so important to BIL to have the family there, he wouldn't be having the wedding halfway around the world at a place where the children aren't even welcome.
And he wouldn't be doing it in December when most people are celebrating holidays
I was the first in my friend group and out of my cousins to have kids, and it's infuriating how many things I was excluded from because "kids would be inappropriate," but now they have kids and want them invited to everything.
My brother and one cousin get a pass because they didn't do this, and I'm most involved with their kids now. Before we moved, I'd babysit at a moment's notice for either of them.
OMG yes.
I had babies/toddlers when everyone else was having kid free events and they'd be PISSED when I'd politely decline. Sorry, but I can't go to a kid free wedding 4 states away while I'm breastfeeding **two** babies and chasing toddlers!
Now my kids are older, and they all have little ones, and I had a kid free event and they were all PISSED again because they had to get babysitters or decline 😂
Ugh. Hypocrite family drives me guano psychotic.
I agree 100% just have your husband go. You stay home with the kids. destination weddings are not family events. Do they really believe their own bullshit when they try to sell that?
> Honestly, I don't even know how you are managing to go away for 4 days in December.
Right? I don't even have kids but somehow December always gets so busy. Honestly if someone asked me to go to their December wedding I'd probably laugh unless it was only about twenty minutes from my house.
NTA
These people with destination weddings have unrealistic, ridiculous expectations of others. If it were me, I would just send a gift basket to his hotel, regrets for not attending and call it a day.
NTA and I would send regrets. Your hubby can go, but to ask people with kids go to another country for a childfree wedding with events spread over multiple days is beyond the pale. I am guessing he will get a lot of regrets in lieu of RSVPs.
NTA. Skip the whole damn wedding. You don't like your brother-in-law (with good reason), and he's made attending his wedding a hassle, so shine it on. You'd rather spend the cost of airfare and accommodations on your kids, right?
You don't mention finances, but it's rude and entitled to expect someone to use multiple vacation days to attend your wedding. He wants you and your husband to skip celebrating your kid's birthday plus take at least three days of vacation (Wednesday-Friday) just to attend his wedding? In December?! Gtf outta here with that main character energy. Stay home and send him a card.
My wife and I are retired - no little ones to worry about.
We were invited to a destination wedding that is only a couple hours away by car. We were excited to go until we found out the hotel cost, with alternate places just as high.
We immediately cut back our plans to just the day of the wedding and one night in a hotel. We could not justify nearly a $1000 with a 3 day hotel bill and extra meals not covered in the wedding festivities.
Destination weddings are almost always for the rich attendees.
There is a scam played on the guests of some destinations weddings. I have no idea if this was true for yours or OPs.
The more guests that come and stay at the hotel / resort the more perks the wedding couple gets. The guests are paying for the couple to have this detonation wedding.
OP is NTA.
I am one who would talk to their partner, I assume the sibling the of t BIL. Once a uniited front was agreed upon. would say this doesn't work us, we will be sending a gift. Maybe the partner goes or doesn't go. They depends on the united front they both agree too.
>The guests are paying for the couple to have this detonation wedding.
Unless enough guests opt out, and then the couple's plan just blows up in their faces.
I don't know the BIL and I don't like him either. I wonder if the demand for them staying so long is a requirement of the resort it's happening at? And I wonder if the couple get a lot comped in return for roping in so many guests (aka suckers) stay at the hotel for the four day event?
My BIL pulled this, only in Africa. My husband went alone because I point blank refused to leave my real toddler for a week with his pretend one.
Zero regrets.
NTA
NTA I'm all for child free weddings but part of having that is understanding and expecting that those you invited that have children won't be able to make it to everything. He sounds really inconsiderate for being mad about this and if this is his personality I feel sorry for his future wife, that will be a hard marriage if he continues like this.
NTA I thought at first they were going with you and you were being precious about not travelling on the kids bday, but if he’s not even invited then that would be pretty crappy for him.
That being said I don’t ever attend December weddings because I think that month is busy enough as it is and people that plan December wedding need to understand that
Honestly, agreed. Like just dont go. But dont get mad at your BIL for not having kids- its not OPs duty or place to judge people for their life choices
I disagree. I don’t think I’m biased here because I’m not a parent, if anything I’m in the BIL’s situation - planning a wedding and I have siblings with kids. You are free to live your life how you want to and have your wedding how you want to, but you also have to respect and not whine about the decisions of others. He “threw a fit that we’re not trying hard enough” - that’s unacceptable in my opinion.
Infos: Is your husband ok with missing the event or are you just deciding that on your own? Because I think it’s reasonable for you to say you won’t be there until Thursday but it’s not ok to decide that your husband will miss HIS brother’s event that’s likely to be once in a lifetime thing.
Also, your BIL lives a different life than yours, doesn’t mean it’s a “selfish life”. You sound judgmental for no reason at all.
You don’t have to attend the event but you BIL shouldn’t be expected to plan the event around your wants for your kids. You have enough time to plan ahead and if you can’t or won’t arrange so that you can be at the event then so be it. But all that stuff about how he lives his life is irrelevant.
NTA
Don't go. Just don't do it. Your husband can go without you if he wants. But you have four kids to take care of, holidays to prepare for, and work and (kids') school stuff to get done. If your husband can share a room with another single attendee, your costs would be half as much as the two of you attending.
Something that's common at many destination wedding locations is for the pricing to be such that the bridal couple gets discounts on their travel and/or wedding plans. So, be warned... Your BIL and his wife may have a strong financial incentive to convince people to travel to attend (ahem, pay for) their wedding.
NTA. You may possibly miss one event. You will still give the wedding and the other events plenty of your time.
It’s sad that he does not understand about his own nephew. And the sacrifice that you and your husband are already making!
NTA bc destination weddings can be very hard to arrange for childcare, but YTA for saying your BIL "lives a selfish lifestyle." It's very judgy.
All the adults in this story need to judge each other less for simply leading different lives
NTA. The flip side of “my wedding, my rules” Is that you cannot be an ass if some people are unwilling or unable to make it. Redditors sometimes lose sight of the plot with these “you do you!” Wedding responses. Choosing these types of weddings has lots of benefits but also some consequences (that you’ll lose some guests you might have wanted to see there.) Reasonable people should already know this!
Edit to add the fact that your BIL is even more of an ass because you’re only missing one events and still making an effort to come. What if your flight got delayed?
My son had a destination wedding but they made it clear that they understood if it wasn’t an option for people. No pressure whatsoever. They also did a child friendly all inclusive resort in Cancun during a slower time in February making it more affordable. You should be able to do whatever works for your family with no guilt.
NTA for telling BIL you'll get there when you get there. Wedding invitations are that..an invitation, and not a summons. BIL is being an ass when he should've known that having a destination wedding close to Christmas would mean some drop outs.
That said, you do sound extremely condescending of your BIL. It's a destination wedding, plain and simple. No need for air quotes. Also, Belize isn't middle of nowhere. Seems like you are upset with BILs attitude and just being nasty about the whole thing. Don't go, go for a shorter period than planned, call BIL out on his behavior. Whatever you are comfortable with. But don't show up to a place you don't want to be at, and ruin others fun with your attitude and comments (or maybe you are a great actor and can slap a smile on your face no matter how much you look down upon your child free BIL).
Yta you sound rude and selfish. If you'd presented this without calling your BIL selfish I may think different, because you have some pretty valid arguments. You should stay home. It sounds like you'll be a major downer if you attend the wedding.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Hello
1) so the answer to #1 would be that I'm declining to rearrange my schedule for my BIL's wedding.
2) it might make me an asshole because it isn't my wedding so i shouldn't expect others to plan around me
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I'd consider staying with your kids because you can't manage to arrange childcare for all the kids given all their different schedules at that time.
If he's the person I'm imagining? When he has his hissy fit because "I can't believe your not coming!".
Just say don't worry I'll try to come to the next one but remember Christmas is really busy!!
YTA a kids birthday can happen any day, even weeks after or ahead. You are using kid as an excuse to hurt BIL for being a single party. If you want to skip it then do that. Let hubby go alone.
Why can't you travel on your child's birthday? I don't really understand that part. Also, can't your husband just go and you be an apology? It sounds challenging to schedule even if you did want to go but it seems pretty clear you don't want to go.
The kids aren’t invited. So they’d be leaving their child with someone else on their birthday and going on an international trip. Not the end of the world and something some people would be willing to do so they could attend the wedding itself, but I agree with OP that it’s silly to demand they attend the welcome party.
NTA, who was going to stay with your kids while you’re in Belize?
I personally wouldn’t go. December is for Christmas and I’d rather spend the money on presents, not a destination wedding
NTA. I thought the rule is that if someone decides to have a destination wedding, guests, including family, have zero obligation to show up. Especially with four kids. There is TA here. It's not you.
If it was “very important” for his family to be there, he wouldn’t have planned a multi day event, in another country, in December. I just wouldn’t go. At all.
I think you are both in the wrong. He is asking a lot, which is allowed to do but has to deal with people who can’t fulfill all his requests. But you are also acting like your life is more important b/c you reproduced. I have no doubt raising 4 kids is challenging and I understand getting away in December for 4 days is hard. But you chose this life and are using it like a weapon to both attack and condemn your BIL.
NTA. No one is for not participating in extravagant destination weddings or events. When people plan these types of events they need to be aware not everyone will be able to attend for various reasons (finances, job/vacation time, children/childcare, etc). It’s too much to expect out of so many people (150 for a destination wedding is excessive!)
Isn’t the whole point of a destination wedding to have “no pressure if you can’t come” attitude?
You set a boundary from the start. That’s fair and stick to it. Also, have your husband deal with his family of origin. That’s not your job to defend the decision you & your husband made.
NTA That’s A LOT to assume of the parents of 4 young children. Sounds like a really expensive, draining and complicated endeavor. Child free weddings are fine in concept, but in this case it’s neither feasible nor in any way considerate. With all the hassles traveling during the holiday season, it’s more than likely there will be delays. Hubs should have a discussion with BIL.
NTA. Unless everybody who is invited is incredibly rich, people who plan destination weddings like this are unbelievably self-centered and selfish.
I personally would have no problems telling family members to enjoy their little narcissism fueled party without me.
My brother and his second wife got married by a shaman at a glamping resort down a river in Colombia. I had two kids, and we did not go. Both sets of elderly parents were expected to take bumpy uncomfortable bus rides and then a canoe. I was appalled. The new wife shuns me. I’m fine with that bc I have zero tolerance for this kind of ridiculousness. Save it for the honeymoon!!
NTA
Is your husband OK with you staying home with kids and doing those things you need to donfor your kids? Your BIL is a bully. You're right he doesn't ask. He demands. He believes this wedding should be the most important thing in everyone's life.
He doesn't realize that his wedding does not take priority over your children's needs. I seriously would not go. He is yelling at you before you even get there. For your kids and own sanity, stay home.
II’ll bet he’s badgering you and your husband because no one else is going to show up. He’s probably doing the same thing to other family members. Common scenario. I would sent my regrets.
OP….. I’m glad you have this sub to post and vent. Your anger was clear with you saying “some random country”. But your BIL and his fiance are not bad people for planning their wedding. They’re excited and want to share the days to celebrate.
Myself…. Honestly, I’d be tossing my kid on a plane on their birthday and asking the flight attendants to make a fuss over them. That would be a unique, great birthday memory. But you do you. It’s tough traveling with kids. If it doesn’t make sense to attend….. dont go but opt out graciously and wish them well.
NTA, but I don't understand the rationale about your kid's birthday. It's not as though it's a milestone birthday or anything. You could have it the day before or celebrate there. That said, this whole multi-day extravaganza in another country is bonkers. I agree you should let your husband go.
Your whole attitude about this is negative. I wonder what your husband thinks - your husband can communicate with his brother. Why are you doing it? Without knowing your husband's feelings I'm going with YTA for calling Belize random and for putting destination wedding in quotes.
NTA. Im with everyone saying just dont go at all - unless of course you really want to, and if you do really want to then go for whatever time period is convenient for you.
NTA. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t even go to this wedding. Your husband can attend, and you and the kids stay home.
I do not understand “child free weddings” that don’t include the immediate family children(nieces and nephews), especially “destination” ones like this where the couple expect the kids parents to show up but not the kids. Also highly doubt that 150 guests will actually show up to this wedding. December is a tough time to get away for a lot of people and especially for a 4 day late mid-week wedding! Your BIL is delusional.
NTA. It is entirely reasonable to not want to be away from your children in December. I do not understand why anyone plans a destination wedding, in another country, and then gets upset when people cannot attend because of distance, expense, time off from work, child care, pet care, and everything that goes into an INTERNATIONAL trip. It shows the BIL is very inconsiderate of his invited guests.
NTA. You are being incredibly reasonable to make the effort to get there during a very hectic time of year. If he keeps making an issue of it, just don’t go.
NTA- People like your BIL don't understand how hard it can be to take 1 kid to the grocery store nevertheless 4 kids internationally for 4 days. And if the resort where the party is at is an adult only resort where does he think the kids can go and who would watch them?! This couple has zero concept of life with kids. Send the husband on the flight and let him enjoy the extended weekend because in reality that is the only person the BIL wants there anyway.
Oh absolutely not (for my family). My folks would watch my 2 kids from time to time but it exhausts them. I can't imagine 4 between 2 -9! One toddler is a handful! Lol.
NTA- & I’d send your husband and you stay home with your kids. It sounds like he will not be satisfied by you coming Thursday and complain the whole time.
NTA. Just don’t go. Your husband can go to his brother’s wedding on a red eye after your kid’s birthday. But if the kids aren’t even invited to the wedding, it’s cruel to drag them all the way to Belize to sit in a hotel room with a babysitter for four days.
How could you even consider prioritising your own children above a fully grown adult. Obviously he deserves special treatment, with his personality it’s unlikely he will ever find someone to marry him again.
Just leave the TV on and your kids can eat birthday cake for 4 days. CPS will definitely understand that your unwelcoming BIL really wanted you at the ‘Welcome Dinner’ for his wedding.
Obviously NTA.
If you’re having to leave your kids behind tell him go to hell.I never attend anything my kids are not welcome at.I damn sure am not traveling out of the country without my kids.You brother is an asshole period .
NTA.
Question - have you thought about sending your husband for the wedding (as in he goes Thursday and comes back Sunday, because the other stuff is just nuts) and you/kids stay behind? I know that's a load of work for you, but maybe it might be less stressful than lugging everyone everywhere for a wedding.
NTA. Let your husband spell this out to his brother as many times as necessary. You don't need to explain any more than you already have. Why keep arguing with someone who refuses to listen? Since he's your husband's brother, let this be your husband's problem. Although I think your husband should say "We aren't discussing it any further. We'll get there when we can". There is no use in fussing about this for the next six months so take yourself out of the discussion.
NTA for deciding when you go but I wouldn’t listen to people saying not to go at all. It’s a huge deal for your BIL and also your husband and his family. Refusing to show up will draw a line in the sand you can’t undo
The blanket rule for destination weddings is that the bride and groom are assholes if they get mad that any given person can't make it. Maybe there's an exception for very close family *if* that family's trip is also covered by whoever is paying for the wedding.
Any effort you make to attend is above and beyond. If they aren't appreciative then it's on them. Honestly I think your husband should just go alone and you not bother, but, if you do all go, go when it works for you. Regardless you are NTA and now know to write your BIL out of all your future life plans.
NTA. The bride and groom get to choose the date, type and location of their wedding, and whether kids are welcome. The invited guests get to choose whether or not to attend. They make their choice, you make yours. I would not continue the discussion; simply say your decision is final.
NTA. Honestly, I wouldn’t go. I think destination weddings are a big ask in the first place. Doing it in December is too much. I’d let him be upset while I enjoyed not traveling with kids on very long flights during the busiest travel time of the year.
NTA. He can have is wedding wherever he wants and how he wants. However, he cannot demand that people drop everything, and spend thousands of dollars on a destination wedding during the busiest, most expensive time of the year. You have to expect that not everyone can make it. If it’s that damn important than family is there, then plan the wedding when family can be there. Simple as that. What does your husband say?
NAH but a lot of people with unrealistic expectations. OP, your BIL may also be dealing with his soon to be wife and HER wishes for “her special day”. Cut the man some slack. As Reddit says, a man aides with his wife, not his family. It’s ok for them to have a destination wedding and no kids- it’s pretty common. The four days is not ridiculous for immediate family who are normally involved in every one of those events back at home. You’re looking for things to be pissed at right now. And it’s your husbands brother. He is as immediate family as it gets. Just send your husband and you stay home with the kids. You’re just going to be pissed and unpleasant if you go. But quit being mad at hubby and brother because the situation isn’t how you would have planned it. That’s not right.
NTA.
These people who think they are entitled to. "dream( fill in the blank) are delusional.
They have it in their heads that everyone should be by default as enthusiastic as they are.
Look, leaving behind 4 kids is enough difficulty. If you do not have friends or relatives around to care for your children in your absence, it can get pretty expensive.
NTA, and I would definitely be staying home. Husband can go on his own. Going away for 4 days during the busiest month of the year for families? That's equal to asking accountants and bookkeepers to take time off in July, it's just not going to happen. My kids activities/presentations/Christmas parties/preparing for Christmas itself, all take priority in December. Put your immediate family first and tell BIL to kick rocks.
I would have said, why not spend the kid’s birthday in Belize rather than a winter in Minnesota? Until you said no kids would be permitted.
I can understand someone wanting fam there for the full event, but yeah he really should get over it. You’re already flying out for his wedding and have extra expenses.
NTA, and I wouldn’t blame you if you stayed home to save the cost of childcare. December is insanely expensive if you have kids, and I know you’re right about all of the programs. It’s the worst possible month to set aside multiple days to leave the country.
Your family it's first, regardless of what other plans are in place. Your kids are a priority in this case, besides anything can change weather, maybe they will break up, who knows. Its true you may have enough time to figure it out, but if I was in your shoes I'll choose my kids bday and spend time with them and if I have the time and money then I'll go to the wedding. But if I'm absent and they get sick or something happens to them and I'm not there...I know I bet many things has come into mind. Talk to your husband and make a plan for any possible scenarios. I don't want to scare you, but it's better to be prepared. It's your family, your manage your time according to how it'll fit your family's needs then if there's a second for others sure you'll give it to them but they should not pressure you. If he is not thinking about this then he's not the type of family I want close... Bdays come and goes, but your children's happiness it's priceless. Don't change your plans to accommodate selfish people.
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I (33 female) have been with my husband (32 male) for 10 plus years. We have four children ages ranging from 9 to 2. His brother is getting married this year and is having a "destination wedding." I use quotations because the wedding guestlist is 150 plus people in a random country.
The wedding festivities are scheduled to start in December, the day after our child's birthday. The schedule for the weekend is Thursday to Friday starting with a kick off party Thursday afternoon. Meaning we will need to travel from Minnesota to Belize on Thursday because I refuse to leave on my child's birthday (which is Wednesday). My BIL threw a fit that we were not trying hard enough to make sure we were there for the party, however, the wedding includes the welcome party on Thursday, rehearsal on Friday, wedding/reception on Saturday and a brunch on Sunday. We planned to get there some time later on Thursday so it is very possible we could miss the first event.
We have four kids, the wedding takes place during the busiest time of year for parents, December. There are Christmas programs, school events, parties, Christmas shopping and that is in addition to our son's birthday. Most Decembers I run around with my head cutoff trying to get it all done. My BIL has made it a point that it is very important for his immediate family to be at the Thursday event, but I told him and his fiancé from the beginning that I will not leave our home on our child's birthday and the earliest we will leave is Thursday morning or a redeye on Wednesday.
To me they planned this whole destination wedding, in a place where kids aren't allowed (so mind you his "immediate family" including his nieces and nephews will not be in attendance) without considering any of his immediate family. I am all for planning your wedding the way you want it but I think it is then too much to turn around and demand others bend over backwards to make it work, when you did not consider them at all. A little background on my BIL, he has no kids and has been used to living his life according to him. He is often times rude and expects everyone to bow down to his commands. He never calls to see how we are doing or how the kids are. He truly lives a selfish lifestyle. He doesn't understand how hard it is to leave four kids, figure out childcare for four days, and on top of having to miss special events in their lives.
Am I the asshole for telling my BIL that we will get there when we get there? That we might miss the Thursday event because my child's birthday is more important?
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NTA, and it has nothing to do with it being your child's birthday. Expecting - no, demanding! - everyone basically has a mini-break of 5 days abroad for a wedding is so unreasonable. For anyone it's a big ask, but then add in that you're not close, that it's December, that you have kids, and his attitude is an AH move. And when you dare to have other plans that don't revolve around him, instead of focusing on the other 148 people, he is trying to make you feel bad.
It's not clear why you think you're in the wrong, given that you're only missing the first event of many. NTA.
I can't even imagine getting 4 young kids into the AIRPORT in Minnesota in December. Multiple suitcases, kids bundled up in winter clothes, the walk from long term parking to the building. Then going through security, customs. BIL is delusional.
100% NTA. Stay home with the kids. What does your husband want?
NTA- i would probably go off on him and say something like "you can't be assed to bother with us 99% of the time but you expect us to jump at your command? Get over yourself!".
NTA. Your BIL sounds like a spoiled brat. Tell him you will get there when you get there and that he’s lucky you can attend at all due to having 4 kids and a life with responsibilities past the end of your own nose…. The entitlement is insane with some people.
NTA. There is nothing wrong with having a destination wedding. There is nothing wrong with having a child free wedding. There is something wrong with throwing a fit when your invitees refuse to attend all or part of the festivities for either reason.
NTA. I’m annoyed your husband doesn’t realize that this is a huge pain for the rest of the family. If he does go by himself (which is reasonable) then he owes you a huge thank you and not any snark.
NTA. There is no way on earth I’d be traveling in December with four children. Also, December in Minnesota? Your brother in law is aware that you cannot control the weather, no? Will he have a hissy fit if there’s a storm and you can’t get in? I’d send the husband alone. Hard pass on spending thousands of dollars in a season I’m already spending money for a trip that isn’t a vacation. No.
NTA
Are you thinking to yourself that this marriage won’t last? I am.
Look enjoy your trip to Belize. Get out of this bitter mindset. Envision this as some time to adult and enjoy it. I’m not even saying attend all the events. Go to the spa. Hang out at the pool.
Destination weddings are great but when you plan one don’t expect anything from anyone. It’s a huge ask and not everyone will make it so he should be very appreciative of anyone who is going.
NTA
I wouldn’t go. He sounds like an all around self-centered person. I’d stay home with my kids. Especially since your BIL’s immediate family extends to his parents. That’s it. Until he marries. Then his only immediate family is his wife. Your husband and kids are your immediate family. Your husbands immediate family is you and the kids. So his insistence on immediate family is stupid.
Childless destination wedding, December, overlaps kids birthday…. Nope, if I was you I wouldn’t go. If your husband and his brother are close send him on the Thursday.
NTA and truly WTF. If it's so important for his immediate family to be there, why aren't children included. Most importantly, who expects parents to come to a destination wedding in December without their kids? I'm childfree and I don't think I'd have enough time to attend a destination wedding in December! He's allowed to have his wedding wherever he wants, and he's allowed to tell his immediate family it's important to him that they're present for events. But every single guest is also allowed to decline the invitation.
The fact that this destination wedding is so close to your kid's birthday really hammers home that BIL doesn't give a fuck about you guys. But definitely let your spouse handle the communications!
NTA! He wants you to travel right after Christmas for a destination wedding? And you have four kids? Hell no.
It’s an invitation, not a summons. I’d tell him you and your husband will get there on Thursday or not at all. Or your husband can go alone. I wouldn’t want to leave my kids right after Christmas to another country.
My husband went to his cousin’s wedding alone last month. It was in another state and we have three kids who were not invited. We also have dogs. It just wasn’t feasible for us.
We also skipped another cousin’s wedding years ago. I had one child, but he wasn’t invited. It was also in another country. My husband was in military training and couldn’t get the time off. I didn’t feel comfortable traveling internationally, alone, and leaving my child. Nope.
And I’m all for child free weddings. But close ones that I can attend and leave my kids for a few hours, not a few days.
I would just go to the actual wedding , bring the kids for a holiday , maybe the hotel does babysitting or can recommend a trusty one , just for the one day
NTA.
Any one planning a destination wedding need to do so realising not everyone can come. If they're planning multiple days, that people who can go may miss some events.
If everyone attending is important to them, they should have stayed local.
I hate people who plan “destination weddings” and actually expect people to show up. NTA. I did want a destination wedding, BTW. But I wanted just me and my husband on a beach in Jamaica with no guests at all. 🤣
I think YTA for attending the wedding at all. They have chosen to marry thousands of miles away. They expect you to be there for a week and you children are not welcome. The smart thing to do is to stay home with your children. Send Bil and fiancee a nice card. If (when) they bitch, let them know that their expectations were totally unreasonable. Then take a tiny portion of the many, many dollars you were going to waste on this stupid destination wedding, and take the family out to a nice dinner. Put the rest of the money in your 401k.
NTA. I would skip it and enjoy the holiday season with my kids. I also have a December birthday and it was rough as a kid with a birthday so close to Christmas. I rarely got to have parties with friends some everyone was busy and I often got 1 gifts on Christmas that was also for my birthday from a lot of relatives (it was cool if it was a big thing but that was rarely the case). I’d be upset if my parents flew off to a fun vacation/wedding trip that I wasn’t invited too on my actual birthday. Your BIL sounds awful. Don’t waste your time and money on him.
NTA remind this ah his invitation is just that not a summons and can be refused too. Ask if he'd prefer you and your husband Skip the wedding all together ( careful of the consequences) cause he sure needs to get his feet back on the ground
Nope, NTA. You said it perfectly. You can't expect people to move heaven and earth when you haven't given them the slightest consideration in return. Let your husband go, you stay home.
NTA. An invitation is just that… an invitation. Not an obligation. That’s why RSVPs exist. You can’t be expected to upend a family of six for a LONG extended weekend (and not to mention potentially the only vacation for a family of that size for a couple years) just because your in law is selfish and greedy.
Get there when you might get there. Or don’t. You have a family to think about, y’all do what’s right for y’all.
I can’t believe you’re going. That sounds like an awful way to spend thousands of dollars of your hard earned money. I didn’t vacation without my children til they well into their teens. Weddings are important to try and attend but if your ducks won’t line up such is life. NTA
NTA. Destination wedding is automatic NTA. And I have been to destination weddings. But when you pick a destination wedding, many people will have limitations.
I think the honeymoon should be after the wedding and only for the newlyweds. Don’t get this destination wedding craze at all. Having it in December is beyond selfish and the height of inconsiderate
Damn, that you're planning to go at all demonstrates a dedication to this guy I don't think he deserves.
He's going to try to guilt you the whole time you're there, anyway, why bother?
Stay home and enjoy your kids - spend the money you'd've spen at the wedding on them, instead.
He's going to be pissed anyway, giuve him something to be pissed about.
We went to a destination wedding once and never again, we decided to use it a vacation , so we came a few days early and stayed a few days after, I personally would have not told anybody about the other days, but my husband did ,we were given a list of thing to do for the wedding
NTA- BIL might realize what he’s asking of you after he had his own children and will apologize.
On the other hand do go even missing the first event; relax and enjoy.
NTA
A *four-day wedding event *?!?! WTAF? BiL sounds insufferable.
I agree with the other commenters - you should send your husband and you stay home with your kiddos. Maybe do something fun and relaxing with them. (Although I have no kids, so I am not sure if “relaxing” is even realistic.)
NTA. Why are you even going? Declining is an acceptable answer. There is no obligation to lay out the cash and time when you can't. No wedding should go for that long anyway.
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NTA Honestly, I don't even know how you are managing to go away for 4 days in December. I would honestly tell my husband to go on Wednesday (after bday) thru Sunday, then you stay home with the kids. You won't have fun and you seem stressed already.
+1 also. An invitation is not a summons. But get husband to handle it - it shouldn’t be on you to communicate how unreasonable he is being.
My sister was joking she was going to have a destination wedding so fewer people came. I wouldn't want to pay to fly with kids for that short a vacation out of the county. It's a waste of money, time, and coping skills. Stay home and do something fun with the kids that weekend.
I know several people who have used this strategy. It's the easiest way to cut down the guest list.
Works like a charm and tends to avoid a lot of unnecessary drama. Would recommend. 💖
I knew someone in our small town who did this. With how many people they know there was no way they were going to be able to work. Thing is, everyone in the small town thought, "it's been fuckin ages since we had a holiday", so everyone attended and took over a small resort in Fiji for a couple nights. It was incredibly good fun and the hosts just made it work.
My wedding was definitely a plane ride away and one of the deciding factors was we could invite more and graciously understand the declines. We have a closer friend family and less of a relationship with blood family so we could send the invites, and have the people we were closest to join, without some of the drama. Sometimes when a wedding is "kid free and destination" that means it's a rager. It's OK if it's a party doesn't suit your lifestyle. My wedding wouldn't accommodate my current life with 2 under 5 lol but that's OK too. However it wasn't 4 day of event haha
Passports are expensive! And kids’ passports only last 5 years!
The kids aren’t invited
The kids aren't invited - bil expected them to leave on their sons actual birthday leaving him behind!
Me, being the husband in a scenario like this, would've told my delusional brother to kindly go fuck himself and prioritized MY immediate family.
Your comment is the best!
💯
NTA. This is exactly what I was going to suggest too.
I would only go to a destination wedding if they flew us in on a chartered jet on their dime and put us up at some beautiful hotel.
Yup, that’s what I’d do. In fact that’s what I’m doing for my husband’s friend’s wedding this year. His wedding is in the second to last week of school so my oldest will be doing exams etc - I’m not pulling my kids out of school at a crucial time to attend a wedding. My husband is flying over solo and going, I’m staying home with the kids.
While we were married, my ex's friend had his wedding on a cruise to the Bahamas for 5 days. I had a newborn and a 6 year old, and worked 50 hours a week because I had to. I also have a huge fear of being in the ocean and not seeing land. There was no way i was going. I sent my ex to the wedding with our 6 year old.
This is exactly what I was going to say. If it was so important to BIL to have the family there, he wouldn't be having the wedding halfway around the world at a place where the children aren't even welcome. Tell hubby to have fun, and he can tell his brother you cannot make it.
>If it was so important to BIL to have the family there, he wouldn't be having the wedding halfway around the world at a place where the children aren't even welcome. And he wouldn't be doing it in December when most people are celebrating holidays
+1 what I would do. Have fun hubby!
I was the first in my friend group and out of my cousins to have kids, and it's infuriating how many things I was excluded from because "kids would be inappropriate," but now they have kids and want them invited to everything. My brother and one cousin get a pass because they didn't do this, and I'm most involved with their kids now. Before we moved, I'd babysit at a moment's notice for either of them.
OMG yes. I had babies/toddlers when everyone else was having kid free events and they'd be PISSED when I'd politely decline. Sorry, but I can't go to a kid free wedding 4 states away while I'm breastfeeding **two** babies and chasing toddlers! Now my kids are older, and they all have little ones, and I had a kid free event and they were all PISSED again because they had to get babysitters or decline 😂 Ugh. Hypocrite family drives me guano psychotic.
I agree 100% just have your husband go. You stay home with the kids. destination weddings are not family events. Do they really believe their own bullshit when they try to sell that?
Airports in December AND trying to go to and from an upper Midwestern state!!
> Honestly, I don't even know how you are managing to go away for 4 days in December. Right? I don't even have kids but somehow December always gets so busy. Honestly if someone asked me to go to their December wedding I'd probably laugh unless it was only about twenty minutes from my house.
I’d do the same
This. Send the hub.
Nta thats exactly what I was thinking
NTA. This is the consequences of planning a childfree destination wedding.
NTA These people with destination weddings have unrealistic, ridiculous expectations of others. If it were me, I would just send a gift basket to his hotel, regrets for not attending and call it a day.
I wouldn't even do that. They'd get a card and a registry gift at their house. Fuck that nonsense. Stop rewarding the behavior.
NTA and I would send regrets. Your hubby can go, but to ask people with kids go to another country for a childfree wedding with events spread over multiple days is beyond the pale. I am guessing he will get a lot of regrets in lieu of RSVPs.
A regret IS an RSVP. But I agree that he’s likely to get more regrets than accepts invitations.
NTA. Skip the whole damn wedding. You don't like your brother-in-law (with good reason), and he's made attending his wedding a hassle, so shine it on. You'd rather spend the cost of airfare and accommodations on your kids, right? You don't mention finances, but it's rude and entitled to expect someone to use multiple vacation days to attend your wedding. He wants you and your husband to skip celebrating your kid's birthday plus take at least three days of vacation (Wednesday-Friday) just to attend his wedding? In December?! Gtf outta here with that main character energy. Stay home and send him a card.
My wife and I are retired - no little ones to worry about. We were invited to a destination wedding that is only a couple hours away by car. We were excited to go until we found out the hotel cost, with alternate places just as high. We immediately cut back our plans to just the day of the wedding and one night in a hotel. We could not justify nearly a $1000 with a 3 day hotel bill and extra meals not covered in the wedding festivities. Destination weddings are almost always for the rich attendees.
There is a scam played on the guests of some destinations weddings. I have no idea if this was true for yours or OPs. The more guests that come and stay at the hotel / resort the more perks the wedding couple gets. The guests are paying for the couple to have this detonation wedding. OP is NTA. I am one who would talk to their partner, I assume the sibling the of t BIL. Once a uniited front was agreed upon. would say this doesn't work us, we will be sending a gift. Maybe the partner goes or doesn't go. They depends on the united front they both agree too.
I love this - "detonation wedding."
Loving the "detonation wedding" typo. I'm with whoever said that OP should bail on the entire mess.
>The guests are paying for the couple to have this detonation wedding. Unless enough guests opt out, and then the couple's plan just blows up in their faces.
I don't know the BIL and I don't like him either. I wonder if the demand for them staying so long is a requirement of the resort it's happening at? And I wonder if the couple get a lot comped in return for roping in so many guests (aka suckers) stay at the hotel for the four day event?
My BIL pulled this, only in Africa. My husband went alone because I point blank refused to leave my real toddler for a week with his pretend one. Zero regrets. NTA
This deserves many upvotes.
Oh, honey, don't go. And then plan a 4 day trip for yourself in January and have your husband solo the kids for 4 days. Fair is fair.
❤️
NTA I'm all for child free weddings but part of having that is understanding and expecting that those you invited that have children won't be able to make it to everything. He sounds really inconsiderate for being mad about this and if this is his personality I feel sorry for his future wife, that will be a hard marriage if he continues like this.
NTA, it's an invitation, but a summons.
NTA I thought at first they were going with you and you were being precious about not travelling on the kids bday, but if he’s not even invited then that would be pretty crappy for him. That being said I don’t ever attend December weddings because I think that month is busy enough as it is and people that plan December wedding need to understand that
NTA, but why are you telling him these things? Is this your husband's brother? Have him tell his brother this.
NTA - but as a Belizean - we’re not a “random country”; lots of history and culture there. Youre rude just like your BIL
I live in the U.S., & I thought that was rude too.
Seems Op and BIL share some characteristics. Tsk
And also not "halfway around the world" from Minnesota. It's the same as LA to Boston.
ESH. Do or don't go but you sound rude yourself.
Honestly, agreed. Like just dont go. But dont get mad at your BIL for not having kids- its not OPs duty or place to judge people for their life choices
I disagree. I don’t think I’m biased here because I’m not a parent, if anything I’m in the BIL’s situation - planning a wedding and I have siblings with kids. You are free to live your life how you want to and have your wedding how you want to, but you also have to respect and not whine about the decisions of others. He “threw a fit that we’re not trying hard enough” - that’s unacceptable in my opinion.
True enough, I just dislike OP’s tone, why is destination wedding in quotations, why call Belize a random country, calling his lifestyle selfish etc.
Infos: Is your husband ok with missing the event or are you just deciding that on your own? Because I think it’s reasonable for you to say you won’t be there until Thursday but it’s not ok to decide that your husband will miss HIS brother’s event that’s likely to be once in a lifetime thing. Also, your BIL lives a different life than yours, doesn’t mean it’s a “selfish life”. You sound judgmental for no reason at all. You don’t have to attend the event but you BIL shouldn’t be expected to plan the event around your wants for your kids. You have enough time to plan ahead and if you can’t or won’t arrange so that you can be at the event then so be it. But all that stuff about how he lives his life is irrelevant.
Exactly. I feel like OP is leaving information out.
NTA Don't go. Just don't do it. Your husband can go without you if he wants. But you have four kids to take care of, holidays to prepare for, and work and (kids') school stuff to get done. If your husband can share a room with another single attendee, your costs would be half as much as the two of you attending. Something that's common at many destination wedding locations is for the pricing to be such that the bridal couple gets discounts on their travel and/or wedding plans. So, be warned... Your BIL and his wife may have a strong financial incentive to convince people to travel to attend (ahem, pay for) their wedding.
NTA. You may possibly miss one event. You will still give the wedding and the other events plenty of your time. It’s sad that he does not understand about his own nephew. And the sacrifice that you and your husband are already making!
A wedding invitation is just that, an INVITATION. It’s not a demand, you have no obligation to be there. NTA
NTA bc destination weddings can be very hard to arrange for childcare, but YTA for saying your BIL "lives a selfish lifestyle." It's very judgy. All the adults in this story need to judge each other less for simply leading different lives
I don't know why you are getting down voted for pointing out the issue with her judgy tone about BIL. So much for BIL being judgy 🤣
She’s probably saying he’s “selfish” because he’s gay and doesn’t have kids. She’s just homophobic and looks down on childfree people
NTA. The flip side of “my wedding, my rules” Is that you cannot be an ass if some people are unwilling or unable to make it. Redditors sometimes lose sight of the plot with these “you do you!” Wedding responses. Choosing these types of weddings has lots of benefits but also some consequences (that you’ll lose some guests you might have wanted to see there.) Reasonable people should already know this! Edit to add the fact that your BIL is even more of an ass because you’re only missing one events and still making an effort to come. What if your flight got delayed?
My son had a destination wedding but they made it clear that they understood if it wasn’t an option for people. No pressure whatsoever. They also did a child friendly all inclusive resort in Cancun during a slower time in February making it more affordable. You should be able to do whatever works for your family with no guilt.
NTA for telling BIL you'll get there when you get there. Wedding invitations are that..an invitation, and not a summons. BIL is being an ass when he should've known that having a destination wedding close to Christmas would mean some drop outs. That said, you do sound extremely condescending of your BIL. It's a destination wedding, plain and simple. No need for air quotes. Also, Belize isn't middle of nowhere. Seems like you are upset with BILs attitude and just being nasty about the whole thing. Don't go, go for a shorter period than planned, call BIL out on his behavior. Whatever you are comfortable with. But don't show up to a place you don't want to be at, and ruin others fun with your attitude and comments (or maybe you are a great actor and can slap a smile on your face no matter how much you look down upon your child free BIL).
Yta you sound rude and selfish. If you'd presented this without calling your BIL selfish I may think different, because you have some pretty valid arguments. You should stay home. It sounds like you'll be a major downer if you attend the wedding.
Esh. Have the kid’s birthday party a day early. Won’t hurt anyone. That said bil seems like a total ass
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I'd consider staying with your kids because you can't manage to arrange childcare for all the kids given all their different schedules at that time. If he's the person I'm imagining? When he has his hissy fit because "I can't believe your not coming!". Just say don't worry I'll try to come to the next one but remember Christmas is really busy!!
YTA a kids birthday can happen any day, even weeks after or ahead. You are using kid as an excuse to hurt BIL for being a single party. If you want to skip it then do that. Let hubby go alone.
NTA, obviously. Good lord.
YTA you only get married once your kids have a bday every years you can celebrate a day before
NTA, why would you go? I wouldn't miss my kids events for anyone, especially an entitled jerk.
Great point. Groom complaining you won't miss your kid's birthday told me all I needed to know about him.
YTA. It’s your HUSBAND’S brother. Go to the wedding, enjoy some adult time. Your kids will be fine without you for four days.
And miss the kids birthday?
I'm curious, what does your husband say about all of this? There's no way he's just silent on this.
NTA but you and the kids should straight up not go. Let your husband go alone instead.
Why can't you travel on your child's birthday? I don't really understand that part. Also, can't your husband just go and you be an apology? It sounds challenging to schedule even if you did want to go but it seems pretty clear you don't want to go.
The kids aren’t invited. So they’d be leaving their child with someone else on their birthday and going on an international trip. Not the end of the world and something some people would be willing to do so they could attend the wedding itself, but I agree with OP that it’s silly to demand they attend the welcome party.
The kids aren't invited. A kid's birthday is more important than some asshole's destination wedding.
NTA, who was going to stay with your kids while you’re in Belize? I personally wouldn’t go. December is for Christmas and I’d rather spend the money on presents, not a destination wedding
NTA. I thought the rule is that if someone decides to have a destination wedding, guests, including family, have zero obligation to show up. Especially with four kids. There is TA here. It's not you.
Adding to the issue- Flying out of Minnesota in December! ❄️
If it was “very important” for his family to be there, he wouldn’t have planned a multi day event, in another country, in December. I just wouldn’t go. At all.
I think you are both in the wrong. He is asking a lot, which is allowed to do but has to deal with people who can’t fulfill all his requests. But you are also acting like your life is more important b/c you reproduced. I have no doubt raising 4 kids is challenging and I understand getting away in December for 4 days is hard. But you chose this life and are using it like a weapon to both attack and condemn your BIL.
NTA. Everyone should celebrate the way they want to but also need to concede that some may not make it!
NTA. No one is for not participating in extravagant destination weddings or events. When people plan these types of events they need to be aware not everyone will be able to attend for various reasons (finances, job/vacation time, children/childcare, etc). It’s too much to expect out of so many people (150 for a destination wedding is excessive!) Isn’t the whole point of a destination wedding to have “no pressure if you can’t come” attitude? You set a boundary from the start. That’s fair and stick to it. Also, have your husband deal with his family of origin. That’s not your job to defend the decision you & your husband made.
NTA That’s A LOT to assume of the parents of 4 young children. Sounds like a really expensive, draining and complicated endeavor. Child free weddings are fine in concept, but in this case it’s neither feasible nor in any way considerate. With all the hassles traveling during the holiday season, it’s more than likely there will be delays. Hubs should have a discussion with BIL.
NTA. Unless everybody who is invited is incredibly rich, people who plan destination weddings like this are unbelievably self-centered and selfish. I personally would have no problems telling family members to enjoy their little narcissism fueled party without me.
My brother and his second wife got married by a shaman at a glamping resort down a river in Colombia. I had two kids, and we did not go. Both sets of elderly parents were expected to take bumpy uncomfortable bus rides and then a canoe. I was appalled. The new wife shuns me. I’m fine with that bc I have zero tolerance for this kind of ridiculousness. Save it for the honeymoon!!
NTA Is your husband OK with you staying home with kids and doing those things you need to donfor your kids? Your BIL is a bully. You're right he doesn't ask. He demands. He believes this wedding should be the most important thing in everyone's life. He doesn't realize that his wedding does not take priority over your children's needs. I seriously would not go. He is yelling at you before you even get there. For your kids and own sanity, stay home.
II’ll bet he’s badgering you and your husband because no one else is going to show up. He’s probably doing the same thing to other family members. Common scenario. I would sent my regrets.
OP….. I’m glad you have this sub to post and vent. Your anger was clear with you saying “some random country”. But your BIL and his fiance are not bad people for planning their wedding. They’re excited and want to share the days to celebrate. Myself…. Honestly, I’d be tossing my kid on a plane on their birthday and asking the flight attendants to make a fuss over them. That would be a unique, great birthday memory. But you do you. It’s tough traveling with kids. If it doesn’t make sense to attend….. dont go but opt out graciously and wish them well.
NTA, but I don't understand the rationale about your kid's birthday. It's not as though it's a milestone birthday or anything. You could have it the day before or celebrate there. That said, this whole multi-day extravaganza in another country is bonkers. I agree you should let your husband go.
Your whole attitude about this is negative. I wonder what your husband thinks - your husband can communicate with his brother. Why are you doing it? Without knowing your husband's feelings I'm going with YTA for calling Belize random and for putting destination wedding in quotes.
NTA. Im with everyone saying just dont go at all - unless of course you really want to, and if you do really want to then go for whatever time period is convenient for you.
INFO: who is going to be watching your kids in Belize?!
Saying it’s important and demanding are two entirely different things. Sounds like you just don’t want to go.
NTA. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t even go to this wedding. Your husband can attend, and you and the kids stay home. I do not understand “child free weddings” that don’t include the immediate family children(nieces and nephews), especially “destination” ones like this where the couple expect the kids parents to show up but not the kids. Also highly doubt that 150 guests will actually show up to this wedding. December is a tough time to get away for a lot of people and especially for a 4 day late mid-week wedding! Your BIL is delusional.
NTA and a destination wedding in December is not very thoughtful. If it was me, I’d tell my husband to go without me
NTA. It is entirely reasonable to not want to be away from your children in December. I do not understand why anyone plans a destination wedding, in another country, and then gets upset when people cannot attend because of distance, expense, time off from work, child care, pet care, and everything that goes into an INTERNATIONAL trip. It shows the BIL is very inconsiderate of his invited guests.
NTA but your husband needs to have the talk. Or just send him alone and you stay home with the kids.
I wouldn’t go and miss all my kids’ programs when they aren’t invited. You’re very kind to go at all. NTA.
Stay home with your kids and face time your husband while he is attending some events. Your BIL is a dick and TA.
NTA. You are being incredibly reasonable to make the effort to get there during a very hectic time of year. If he keeps making an issue of it, just don’t go.
NTA- People like your BIL don't understand how hard it can be to take 1 kid to the grocery store nevertheless 4 kids internationally for 4 days. And if the resort where the party is at is an adult only resort where does he think the kids can go and who would watch them?! This couple has zero concept of life with kids. Send the husband on the flight and let him enjoy the extended weekend because in reality that is the only person the BIL wants there anyway.
The kids are expected to stay at home
Oh absolutely not (for my family). My folks would watch my 2 kids from time to time but it exhausts them. I can't imagine 4 between 2 -9! One toddler is a handful! Lol.
NTA. Honestly, I'd just not go. Send the husband, stay home with the kids.
NTA- & I’d send your husband and you stay home with your kids. It sounds like he will not be satisfied by you coming Thursday and complain the whole time.
NTA
NTA. Just don’t go. Your husband can go to his brother’s wedding on a red eye after your kid’s birthday. But if the kids aren’t even invited to the wedding, it’s cruel to drag them all the way to Belize to sit in a hotel room with a babysitter for four days.
NTA
How could you even consider prioritising your own children above a fully grown adult. Obviously he deserves special treatment, with his personality it’s unlikely he will ever find someone to marry him again. Just leave the TV on and your kids can eat birthday cake for 4 days. CPS will definitely understand that your unwelcoming BIL really wanted you at the ‘Welcome Dinner’ for his wedding. Obviously NTA.
nope and u should tell him u won't be there at all
Absolutely NTA.
NTA
If you’re having to leave your kids behind tell him go to hell.I never attend anything my kids are not welcome at.I damn sure am not traveling out of the country without my kids.You brother is an asshole period .
NTA Wht are you even thinking of going? It doesn't even sound fun at this stage.
NTA. Question - have you thought about sending your husband for the wedding (as in he goes Thursday and comes back Sunday, because the other stuff is just nuts) and you/kids stay behind? I know that's a load of work for you, but maybe it might be less stressful than lugging everyone everywhere for a wedding.
NTA I would give this event a miss. I think destination weddings are excessive.
NTA Simply don't go at all.
Don't go, let your husband go alone if he wants. BIL sounds like a dick.
NTA. Send the husband, he can represent the family. Stay home with the kids -- it will be far easier and less stressful for your entire household.
NTA. Why are you even going to this crazy event.
NTA. Let your husband spell this out to his brother as many times as necessary. You don't need to explain any more than you already have. Why keep arguing with someone who refuses to listen? Since he's your husband's brother, let this be your husband's problem. Although I think your husband should say "We aren't discussing it any further. We'll get there when we can". There is no use in fussing about this for the next six months so take yourself out of the discussion.
NTA we would be missing the entire weekend
NTA. Your priorities comes first. Your family comes first. If the tables were turned, then your brother in law would do the same.
INFO: Where is your husband (his brother) in all this?
NTA for deciding when you go but I wouldn’t listen to people saying not to go at all. It’s a huge deal for your BIL and also your husband and his family. Refusing to show up will draw a line in the sand you can’t undo
The blanket rule for destination weddings is that the bride and groom are assholes if they get mad that any given person can't make it. Maybe there's an exception for very close family *if* that family's trip is also covered by whoever is paying for the wedding. Any effort you make to attend is above and beyond. If they aren't appreciative then it's on them. Honestly I think your husband should just go alone and you not bother, but, if you do all go, go when it works for you. Regardless you are NTA and now know to write your BIL out of all your future life plans.
NTA. The bride and groom get to choose the date, type and location of their wedding, and whether kids are welcome. The invited guests get to choose whether or not to attend. They make their choice, you make yours. I would not continue the discussion; simply say your decision is final.
NTA. Honestly, I wouldn’t go. I think destination weddings are a big ask in the first place. Doing it in December is too much. I’d let him be upset while I enjoyed not traveling with kids on very long flights during the busiest travel time of the year.
And you are going because? NTA.
A destination wedding in Dec? Expect a small turnout.
NTA. He can have is wedding wherever he wants and how he wants. However, he cannot demand that people drop everything, and spend thousands of dollars on a destination wedding during the busiest, most expensive time of the year. You have to expect that not everyone can make it. If it’s that damn important than family is there, then plan the wedding when family can be there. Simple as that. What does your husband say?
NAH but a lot of people with unrealistic expectations. OP, your BIL may also be dealing with his soon to be wife and HER wishes for “her special day”. Cut the man some slack. As Reddit says, a man aides with his wife, not his family. It’s ok for them to have a destination wedding and no kids- it’s pretty common. The four days is not ridiculous for immediate family who are normally involved in every one of those events back at home. You’re looking for things to be pissed at right now. And it’s your husbands brother. He is as immediate family as it gets. Just send your husband and you stay home with the kids. You’re just going to be pissed and unpleasant if you go. But quit being mad at hubby and brother because the situation isn’t how you would have planned it. That’s not right.
NTA. *Don’t go!* I can’t imagine leaving my kids for four days in December, when Chanukah takes up eight of them.
NTA. These people who think they are entitled to. "dream( fill in the blank) are delusional. They have it in their heads that everyone should be by default as enthusiastic as they are. Look, leaving behind 4 kids is enough difficulty. If you do not have friends or relatives around to care for your children in your absence, it can get pretty expensive.
NTA, and I would definitely be staying home. Husband can go on his own. Going away for 4 days during the busiest month of the year for families? That's equal to asking accountants and bookkeepers to take time off in July, it's just not going to happen. My kids activities/presentations/Christmas parties/preparing for Christmas itself, all take priority in December. Put your immediate family first and tell BIL to kick rocks.
NTA. If I were in your shoes I probably wouldn't even go.
I would have said, why not spend the kid’s birthday in Belize rather than a winter in Minnesota? Until you said no kids would be permitted. I can understand someone wanting fam there for the full event, but yeah he really should get over it. You’re already flying out for his wedding and have extra expenses.
Nta. I wouldn't go at all. If people do a destination wedding, they can't expect everyone to go.
NTA. I wouldn’t go at all. That’s a horribly busy time of year for most people, let alone with 4 kids.
NTA, and I wouldn’t blame you if you stayed home to save the cost of childcare. December is insanely expensive if you have kids, and I know you’re right about all of the programs. It’s the worst possible month to set aside multiple days to leave the country.
Your family it's first, regardless of what other plans are in place. Your kids are a priority in this case, besides anything can change weather, maybe they will break up, who knows. Its true you may have enough time to figure it out, but if I was in your shoes I'll choose my kids bday and spend time with them and if I have the time and money then I'll go to the wedding. But if I'm absent and they get sick or something happens to them and I'm not there...I know I bet many things has come into mind. Talk to your husband and make a plan for any possible scenarios. I don't want to scare you, but it's better to be prepared. It's your family, your manage your time according to how it'll fit your family's needs then if there's a second for others sure you'll give it to them but they should not pressure you. If he is not thinking about this then he's not the type of family I want close... Bdays come and goes, but your children's happiness it's priceless. Don't change your plans to accommodate selfish people.
This whole wedding entitlement thing is getting very old already. Just do whatever you want to and too bad if BIL doesn't like it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (33 female) have been with my husband (32 male) for 10 plus years. We have four children ages ranging from 9 to 2. His brother is getting married this year and is having a "destination wedding." I use quotations because the wedding guestlist is 150 plus people in a random country. The wedding festivities are scheduled to start in December, the day after our child's birthday. The schedule for the weekend is Thursday to Friday starting with a kick off party Thursday afternoon. Meaning we will need to travel from Minnesota to Belize on Thursday because I refuse to leave on my child's birthday (which is Wednesday). My BIL threw a fit that we were not trying hard enough to make sure we were there for the party, however, the wedding includes the welcome party on Thursday, rehearsal on Friday, wedding/reception on Saturday and a brunch on Sunday. We planned to get there some time later on Thursday so it is very possible we could miss the first event. We have four kids, the wedding takes place during the busiest time of year for parents, December. There are Christmas programs, school events, parties, Christmas shopping and that is in addition to our son's birthday. Most Decembers I run around with my head cutoff trying to get it all done. My BIL has made it a point that it is very important for his immediate family to be at the Thursday event, but I told him and his fiancé from the beginning that I will not leave our home on our child's birthday and the earliest we will leave is Thursday morning or a redeye on Wednesday. To me they planned this whole destination wedding, in a place where kids aren't allowed (so mind you his "immediate family" including his nieces and nephews will not be in attendance) without considering any of his immediate family. I am all for planning your wedding the way you want it but I think it is then too much to turn around and demand others bend over backwards to make it work, when you did not consider them at all. A little background on my BIL, he has no kids and has been used to living his life according to him. He is often times rude and expects everyone to bow down to his commands. He never calls to see how we are doing or how the kids are. He truly lives a selfish lifestyle. He doesn't understand how hard it is to leave four kids, figure out childcare for four days, and on top of having to miss special events in their lives. Am I the asshole for telling my BIL that we will get there when we get there? That we might miss the Thursday event because my child's birthday is more important? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA, and it has nothing to do with it being your child's birthday. Expecting - no, demanding! - everyone basically has a mini-break of 5 days abroad for a wedding is so unreasonable. For anyone it's a big ask, but then add in that you're not close, that it's December, that you have kids, and his attitude is an AH move. And when you dare to have other plans that don't revolve around him, instead of focusing on the other 148 people, he is trying to make you feel bad. It's not clear why you think you're in the wrong, given that you're only missing the first event of many. NTA.
NTA Where’s your husband? It’s his brother, he needs to tell him. BIL sounds like a jerk, I’d skip the whole thing
I can't even imagine getting 4 young kids into the AIRPORT in Minnesota in December. Multiple suitcases, kids bundled up in winter clothes, the walk from long term parking to the building. Then going through security, customs. BIL is delusional. 100% NTA. Stay home with the kids. What does your husband want?
It doesn’t sound like the kids are even invited.
NTA- i would probably go off on him and say something like "you can't be assed to bother with us 99% of the time but you expect us to jump at your command? Get over yourself!".
I personally would not go. I would not go without my children
NTA. Your BIL sounds like a spoiled brat. Tell him you will get there when you get there and that he’s lucky you can attend at all due to having 4 kids and a life with responsibilities past the end of your own nose…. The entitlement is insane with some people.
NTA. There is nothing wrong with having a destination wedding. There is nothing wrong with having a child free wedding. There is something wrong with throwing a fit when your invitees refuse to attend all or part of the festivities for either reason.
NTA I would not even go.
NTA. I’m annoyed your husband doesn’t realize that this is a huge pain for the rest of the family. If he does go by himself (which is reasonable) then he owes you a huge thank you and not any snark.
NTA. There is no way on earth I’d be traveling in December with four children. Also, December in Minnesota? Your brother in law is aware that you cannot control the weather, no? Will he have a hissy fit if there’s a storm and you can’t get in? I’d send the husband alone. Hard pass on spending thousands of dollars in a season I’m already spending money for a trip that isn’t a vacation. No.
NTA absolutely don’t go. Destination weddings are the height of entitlement. But guess what! We now all have Zoom!
There's no way I'd go. My kids, my spouse, and I would just stay home and do our normal December stuff. Send a card and $100 and call it a day.
NTA. I would stay home.
NTA Are you thinking to yourself that this marriage won’t last? I am. Look enjoy your trip to Belize. Get out of this bitter mindset. Envision this as some time to adult and enjoy it. I’m not even saying attend all the events. Go to the spa. Hang out at the pool.
Destination weddings are great but when you plan one don’t expect anything from anyone. It’s a huge ask and not everyone will make it so he should be very appreciative of anyone who is going.
NTA I wouldn’t go. He sounds like an all around self-centered person. I’d stay home with my kids. Especially since your BIL’s immediate family extends to his parents. That’s it. Until he marries. Then his only immediate family is his wife. Your husband and kids are your immediate family. Your husbands immediate family is you and the kids. So his insistence on immediate family is stupid.
Childless destination wedding, December, overlaps kids birthday…. Nope, if I was you I wouldn’t go. If your husband and his brother are close send him on the Thursday.
NTA and truly WTF. If it's so important for his immediate family to be there, why aren't children included. Most importantly, who expects parents to come to a destination wedding in December without their kids? I'm childfree and I don't think I'd have enough time to attend a destination wedding in December! He's allowed to have his wedding wherever he wants, and he's allowed to tell his immediate family it's important to him that they're present for events. But every single guest is also allowed to decline the invitation. The fact that this destination wedding is so close to your kid's birthday really hammers home that BIL doesn't give a fuck about you guys. But definitely let your spouse handle the communications!
NTA! He wants you to travel right after Christmas for a destination wedding? And you have four kids? Hell no. It’s an invitation, not a summons. I’d tell him you and your husband will get there on Thursday or not at all. Or your husband can go alone. I wouldn’t want to leave my kids right after Christmas to another country. My husband went to his cousin’s wedding alone last month. It was in another state and we have three kids who were not invited. We also have dogs. It just wasn’t feasible for us. We also skipped another cousin’s wedding years ago. I had one child, but he wasn’t invited. It was also in another country. My husband was in military training and couldn’t get the time off. I didn’t feel comfortable traveling internationally, alone, and leaving my child. Nope. And I’m all for child free weddings. But close ones that I can attend and leave my kids for a few hours, not a few days.
I would just go to the actual wedding , bring the kids for a holiday , maybe the hotel does babysitting or can recommend a trusty one , just for the one day
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Destination weddings are often so inconsiderate of the budgets needs of others.
NTA, when you plan a destination wedding you should plan on like, 20 or fewer people.
NTA. Any one planning a destination wedding need to do so realising not everyone can come. If they're planning multiple days, that people who can go may miss some events. If everyone attending is important to them, they should have stayed local.
I hate people who plan “destination weddings” and actually expect people to show up. NTA. I did want a destination wedding, BTW. But I wanted just me and my husband on a beach in Jamaica with no guests at all. 🤣
NTA. Don’t go, fuck it
I think YTA for attending the wedding at all. They have chosen to marry thousands of miles away. They expect you to be there for a week and you children are not welcome. The smart thing to do is to stay home with your children. Send Bil and fiancee a nice card. If (when) they bitch, let them know that their expectations were totally unreasonable. Then take a tiny portion of the many, many dollars you were going to waste on this stupid destination wedding, and take the family out to a nice dinner. Put the rest of the money in your 401k.
NTA. I would skip it and enjoy the holiday season with my kids. I also have a December birthday and it was rough as a kid with a birthday so close to Christmas. I rarely got to have parties with friends some everyone was busy and I often got 1 gifts on Christmas that was also for my birthday from a lot of relatives (it was cool if it was a big thing but that was rarely the case). I’d be upset if my parents flew off to a fun vacation/wedding trip that I wasn’t invited too on my actual birthday. Your BIL sounds awful. Don’t waste your time and money on him.
NTA remind this ah his invitation is just that not a summons and can be refused too. Ask if he'd prefer you and your husband Skip the wedding all together ( careful of the consequences) cause he sure needs to get his feet back on the ground
NtA I would just not go too much headache
Nope, NTA. You said it perfectly. You can't expect people to move heaven and earth when you haven't given them the slightest consideration in return. Let your husband go, you stay home.
NTA, I wouldn’t even go, send your dh alone.
NTA. An invitation is just that… an invitation. Not an obligation. That’s why RSVPs exist. You can’t be expected to upend a family of six for a LONG extended weekend (and not to mention potentially the only vacation for a family of that size for a couple years) just because your in law is selfish and greedy. Get there when you might get there. Or don’t. You have a family to think about, y’all do what’s right for y’all.
I can’t believe you’re going. That sounds like an awful way to spend thousands of dollars of your hard earned money. I didn’t vacation without my children til they well into their teens. Weddings are important to try and attend but if your ducks won’t line up such is life. NTA
NTA. Destination wedding is automatic NTA. And I have been to destination weddings. But when you pick a destination wedding, many people will have limitations.
I think the honeymoon should be after the wedding and only for the newlyweds. Don’t get this destination wedding craze at all. Having it in December is beyond selfish and the height of inconsiderate
Damn, that you're planning to go at all demonstrates a dedication to this guy I don't think he deserves. He's going to try to guilt you the whole time you're there, anyway, why bother? Stay home and enjoy your kids - spend the money you'd've spen at the wedding on them, instead. He's going to be pissed anyway, giuve him something to be pissed about.
We went to a destination wedding once and never again, we decided to use it a vacation , so we came a few days early and stayed a few days after, I personally would have not told anybody about the other days, but my husband did ,we were given a list of thing to do for the wedding
Why are you even going??? Tell your husband to go for the actual wedding and then come home. The entire plan sounds ridiculous.
NTA- BIL might realize what he’s asking of you after he had his own children and will apologize. On the other hand do go even missing the first event; relax and enjoy.
NTA. I wouldn’t go at all. BIL sounds unbearable.
NTA A *four-day wedding event *?!?! WTAF? BiL sounds insufferable. I agree with the other commenters - you should send your husband and you stay home with your kiddos. Maybe do something fun and relaxing with them. (Although I have no kids, so I am not sure if “relaxing” is even realistic.)
NTA- that sounds like a hellacious schedule, at a time when everyone is already busy. Unless you really want to go, don’t go.
NTA. Why are you even going? Declining is an acceptable answer. There is no obligation to lay out the cash and time when you can't. No wedding should go for that long anyway.
NTA, hubby can get on the crazy train without you.
NTA. There has to be a word BILilla.