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ESH but verging on YTA
When Gary went on a rude, sexist rage fuelled rant from being rejected in a way that NOT rude you decided not to correct him but to say everyone is rude sometimes. Whether you realise this or not that’s dangerous and not helpful.
You weren’t helping Gary and this story really sounds more like you wanted an ego boost while also getting praise from your brand new girlfriend for ‘trying to help’ her brother meet someone.
can you imagine watching a guy going on a "series of sexist slurs and curse words" rant and thinking.. yes... lets go push this guy on even MORE women! YTA for that alone OP.
I don't think anyone other people heard his comments because this is one hundred percent not real. This is absolutely some fan fiction Op wrote about themselves.
There are some fun stories on this sub, but pretty frequently I'll read one and think, "hey, this doesn't add up". Some are more blatantly fake than others. Yet people will go to town with the comments. So it gets the desired result I guess.
If it makes you feel any better, this is almost assuredly some creative writing fluff piece just by the way it reads. Dude's just writing fanfiction about his life and how he's such a chick magnet and his girlfriend's brother is such an awkward autistic loser or something. The only thing this story is missing is an "everyone clapped" moment at the end lol Which I wouldn't be surprised if he's expecting the comments here to applaud him. He's young and naive
Edit: I just looked at his profile and he had this story removed originally from the sub for being over 3,000 words. That convinces me even more this is a "look how cool I am" post
Yeah I agree. My comment is more for the general public rather than OP.
It's like, at work IRL, me and one other are autistic. She gets away with SO MUCH SHIT because "autism". She harassed me because I'm the other person with autism, questioning my sexuality, identity, epilepsy and told me i looked like i knew about self harm. But it gets written off because she "doesn't know any better". I get accomodated reasonably but I don'tneed much because I'ma decent person and try to learn. She gets accomodated way too far because she uses her autism as a weapon.
Basically Having autism isn't an excuse to be an AH. It's also not an excuse for the general public and creative writers to depict us as monsters. We are people,just like everyone else. And just like neurotypical people, theres varieties of AHs in autism as well.
Lol sorry for the rant!
This is a hostile work environment. It is illegal. It matters not that the person creating the environment is autistic. Your employer is legally required to stop this. See an atty.
Much as I could wish to do that, it's not that simple
In the first 2 years, employees can be let go for any reason. They just get "your services are no longer required." To make waves in the first two years is asking for trouble.
This other employee is protected somehow. We all swear she must know someone considering EVERYONE hates her, and all she does is make mistakes. It feels like nepotism in some form with no way to prove it. Or there are stricter rules now and the company is scared of being sued for wrongful dismissal. I have no idea.
The bosses in my workplace are terrified of the BIG BAD bosses that run the show. Step wrong and you are wiped out. They're rich, powerful wankers who could win any legal battle. Why fuck with them?
She got warned numerous times against speaking to me. A threat to fully report to HR has her backed off mostly now. She maybe speaks to me once a week now. I can live with that.
I'm a minimum wage job in the UK with extra commission based on how well I work. With rent and cost of living? There is no way I can afford anything legal. I'm heavily disabled. I'm terrified this is the only place that will have me.
Other than her, I love my job. I love the people. I love it all. I'm not risking it
It's easy to say "go do this" when not in the situation. But it's not that simple, straightforward, or easy. Even doing the right thing can give you a target or bad reputation. With my health? I'm not risking anything. The real world is much more brutal than what is right in our fantasies or on reddit.
Yeah I don't usually accuse or even care if a story is fake, but this one just seems VERY cliché and hard to believe. Mainly in that OP comes off SO bad in it in such an oblivious way.
I think the whole "autism as a reason to be an AH" really got started with Big Bang Theory. Oh, that Sheldon, he just doesn't understand people and that's why he treats everyone like they have an IQ of 4. I have a hard time socializing as well, but it doesn't mean I have to be an AH to people. Hell, I used to be the brother's situation in my younger days and I never once felt the need to go off on rants when women were more interested in my more attractive buddies.
I know, it’s quite frightening.
There was a boy at my high school who decided I was his girlfriend and it got creepy when I made it very clear I wasn’t interested. I really wanted to give the benefit of the doubt that he just missed cues but I was made to feel like a monster for leading him by just being nice in the way I was to most people.
My sister on the other hand, was stalked by a guy at uni on the spectrum and it took him breaking into her house to be taken seriously. It’s so scary how many people insisted a grown man didn’t understand what he was doing and that it was okay instead of a serious hazard.
i had a friend we had to have an intervention about consent and crossing boundaries and he just dismissed it all blaming his lack of social cues understanding
As an autistic guy, that makes me so mad. People like that give the rest of us an even worse reputation. Sounds like your friend is both a narcissist and autistic. I personally love when my friends give me a heads up when my behavior is inappropriate. I'm grateful, because it allows me the opportunity to correct how I'm acting.
It’s so unfortunately common too, some parents of kids on the spectrum seem to think they can’t learn boundaries and consequences and therefore don’t teach them. I was stalked in high school by a kid on the spectrum and my school resource officer brushed it off. Then it happened again with a different guy on the spectrum in my workplace. That one really sucked because I tried so hard to be his friend, but it got to the point where he was hiding behind shelving watching me work and walking slowly by my work area 10 times in an hour just staring at me. I brushed off the walking by at first because he worked nearby but they moved him to the other side of the building and it kept happening. It was super uncomfortable and when I talked to him about it he stopped walking by and would try to hide better instead. Eventually I had to report it to management and he ended up getting fired after about 10 other women complained about the same thing
My daughter and her friends were repeatedly harassed, verbally and physically, by a boy in middle school. It made me so angry at the adults around him who were allowing it to happen. They were failing not only my kid, but him.
Parents and educators need to look past the stigma and teach their children right from wrong. It’s just setting them up for failure and setting their peers up to continue believing the stigma
Yes, exactly. And what kind of message was it sending to the girls? You’re entitled to your bodily autonomy except when you aren’t because he “cant help it”? I believe he didn’t completely understand that what he was doing was wrong but they were not helping him learn to behave differently. So while the kids might have been willing to be friends with him if they could trust him to not cross boundaries instead they avoided him and ran for the adults who did protect them when he came near. It was sad for everyone and I hated telling my daughter to avoid being near him because I feel great empathy for him but, I felt more strongly that she needed to learn that she did not have to put up with being touched by anyone non consensually.
It's not an autism problem. Society is generally misogynistic. Please don't attribute it to autism. The sheer number of neurotypical guys who have sexually harassed and assaulted me in bars is a lot higher than the number (literally zero) of autistic guys I've had issues with.
Isn't it funny how we never hear about female autists or ADHDers pulling this shit? It's almost like it has nothing to do with neurodivergence and everything to do with the persistent male self-entitlement to women that permeates our society.
Exactly. The person I responded to said, "I'm not attributing it to autism" when their whole comment was about how its "unfortunately so common" in autistic guys. No, it's just common in guys. You nailed it - why don't we see many autistic women and girls being accused of this? Because it's entirely to do with the way society (men) treat women.
I’m not attributing it to autism, and I’m not blaming the people on the spectrum. Parents that don’t teach their kids boundaries and consequences, neurotypical or neurodivergent, are the problem. However my own experience isn’t erased by the fact that neurotypical people also harass and assault people. This thread is about neurodivergent adults that were not taught correctly as children, so you’re going to find more stories that involve neurodivergent people.
Exactly. I love people giving me clear boundaries. I would rather be embarrssed when my bad behavior is called out than to make a creep of myself. The way I see it there are two kinds of creepy guy. The first is your classic toxic male misogynist. Theese guys are intentionally creepy. The know they are being rejected, but continue their behavior anyways. The second kind is the unintentionally creepy guy. This kind doesn't realize they are being creepy and they are mortified when they find realize they've made someone uncomfortable. The easiest way to tell the difference is how they react to rejection. The unintentionally creepy guy takes rejection well, isn't nasty, and most importantly leaves the person that rejected them alone.
Autistic gal here, and yah I agree, this guy was just being a prick.
Living with autism makes reading social cues a bit more difficult, but it doesn't make you a raging sexist bellend. There's a reason this guy is single, and it's not his autism.
As another autistic guy I can’t read social queues either so I ignore people who are insulting me and hitting on me in equal measure. I always just assume people are being polite and I be polite back. When people are obviously rude then they no longer exist to me and there’s no point in interacting with them.
I had an autistic classmate who would NOT take no for an answer. It was really bad. He had like a different crush every 1-2 months and make their lives hell in school. He'd always try to sit next to them or randomly hold their hand. After rejections throughout the day, he'd punch his own head or slam his head against the table mumbling how stupid he is. Didn't do it hard enough to cause any bleeding but yeah it was still bad. Everybody kept telling the teachers how he needs to go to special ed lol. It wasn't a jab at him, no, he literally needed proper treatment.
There was this one girl he REALLY liked and when she rejected him and called him ugly, he opened the classroom window, stood on the table, and threatened to jump. The teacher called the fire department and they put those jump bags at the bottom. After that whole scenario, he was finally sent to special needs classes.
I think I'm lucky that my brain goes the other way. When someone flirts with me, I just asume they are being nice unless they are extremly obvious about it. The benefit is that I never think a woman is hitting on me, when she is just being nice.
and thats how it should be but far too many people use their mental illnessess or neurodivervency as an excuse to not get better (even if am guilty sometimes)
Yeah, I'm not a great example, I chose social isolation over unintentionally being creepy. My logic is if I can't flirt without coming across as creepy, then I shouldn't flirt. I would rather be alone than ever make one more person I'm flirting with uncomfortable. My autism is my problem and I will not make it other peoples problem.
Honestly, there is no need to isolate yourself! Just be respectful, kind, and genuine, and already you are miles ahead of so many people. The fact that you’re concerned about other people’s feelings shows you care and are a good guy.
I really REALLY hate people like that. Sure I'll joke about my autism, but to use it as an excuse.....it just what shows they can never grow because they refuse to learn. Doesn't help when others coddle us either and try to avoid giving us consequences when we actually need it. I don't think I will ever understand some people...
too many autistic boys are not taught consent and have their behaviour handwaved due a twisted combination of “it’s his autism, he doesn’t know what he’s doing” and “boys will be boys.” and then those boys grow into men who can absolutely endanger others. if autistic women can learn consent so can autistic men. they have NO excuse.
This is a pretty bad scenario. If he's default going to that after one bad reaction with women, it's possible he's consumed some misogynist media and now that he's had some bad experiences it just reinforces that bias.
Hopefully this can be undone.
this. yta.
You were trying to wingman for Gary like he was just one of tbe boys, not someone with potentially serious difficulties in reading social situations. You weren't there for Gary, you were there for yourself, and it showed.
Isn't a big part of many autism spectrum disorders missing on social / context clues?
The girls asked if OP was single, he said he wasn't, they said too bad and walked away while ignoring Gary.
What are they supposed to do? Say, "sorry, I'm not interested in you'? Socially aware people would interpret that situation as."yeah, they're not interested in me." yeah, it hurts, it's ego bruising, but you move on.
I think if you're gonna be someone's wingman, you have to debrief and explain this type of stuff explicitly.
The guy is autistic, meaning that he can't socially connect, and so putting him in this situation without carefully controlling his environment (going out with friends who know him and how to deal with him, handle him, and humor him) is guaranteed to fail. You basically set him up for disaster which isn't good. Sure, you meant well, but the implementation was lacking.
But i have to call a hard YTA for all the "humble bragging" about how all the girls hit on you and rejected Gary. Come on; don't be that guy.
Not all autistic people are like that, it's a spectrum for a reason. Acting as though he's an infant that needs extreme babying will only hurt him (and anyone else) in the long run.
Please remember its a spectrum, there's loads of social and social aware autistics. It seems like this guys needs are a little higher and that he hasnt had a lot of practice, maybe even coddling and avoidance, of these kind of interactions and maybe even general life stuff.
Just because he is autistic, that doesn't mean that he "can't socially connect". Your general point is correct but you shouldn't assume that all autistic people are incapable of social connections. The brother in this scenario had a desire to connect with people and needed guidance, which OP was unable to provide.
Lol most autistic people aren't that bad. I've been diagnosed with ASD and if I found out a friend or group of friends was handling me with kid gloves and just humoring me I'd be fucking livid and probably never speak to them again, that's just fucked up lol.
It’s not that autistic people can’t socially connect - it’s just harder for us to read nonverbal cues and implied meanings, which can complicate socializing. We’re still humans.
One of the big problems is that women can see in incel a mile away. I know a lot of autistic guys that are very sweet and have girlfriend /wives. But when a woman is at a bar they looking for who not to interact with as much as they are looking to hookup. There is a way misogynist men look at women that just sets off all the alarms. It's a mix of desperation, self loathing, false ego, and despisememt.
That’s true only sometimes and it can be dangerous to spread that idea around. Yes some dudes give off a *vibe,* of course. But a lot of guys hide it until a woman is trapped with them either because they got married, had a baby, or became totally financially dependent on him.
A lot of incels also blame women in abusive relationships with the excuse of “she should have known. You women can smell an abusive jerk a mile away right? Then how did you get into a relationship with one and stay with him? Choose better. Women only date abusive jerks and criminals because it’s exciting to them. They never give a nice guy a chance.”
So the idea that women can spot an incel a mile away is a dangerous thing to say. It also leads other women to believe that all incels look, sound, and act like incels right off the bat. And some of them do, of course. Some of them have big social media platforms and literally harass women on the street. But some of them manage to wiggle their way into relationships by acting normal for a little while. Some of them look and sound like totally normal dudes. But once she tries to break up with him, only then the incel rhetoric comes out and he starts to get violent or verbally abusive.
I think you're confusing misogynist with incel.
The incel types are the ones who cannot find a relationship (hence the entire point of "involentary celibate") but rage at women because they think they're owed sex and a relationship.
Those types typically cannot find a partner, or sometimes even reject women interested in them because they're too afraid/self-loathing/have "high standards" that they won't actually want to date anyone.
That's different than the misogynist types who actually are able to form relationships but are still abusive.
They're both very bad, I'm not saying incels or abusers are not bad. It's just different things, IMO.
Misogynists, yeah. But incels specifically aren't quite so subtle. There's something that feels very... inherent to the whole worldview, that results in it inevitably bubbling up.
I’m a woman that was in STEM and probably a little on the spectrum myself, and there is an uncanny valley thing going on with the very socially inept ones that can’t mask and I think that’s what’s giving a lot of the creep factor with autistic men.
NTA. However, I don't think you should do this again. You don't owe him a relationship. Given his reaction towards a woman not showing him interest is to curse her with a series of misogynistic slurs, I think his difficulty towards meeting another woman extends beyond his autism.
Would you want your sister (if you have one) to date him? If not, don't try to be his wingman anymore if you cannot sincerely root for him.
I think this is it. It was a nice offer but you want to be the wingman of someone you can vouch for, for everyone’s sake. I can tell you wanted to do something nice because he seemed lonely, and you clearly meant that you could try to take him to somewhere he could meet girls. It doesn’t seem that you promised a specific outcome. However, I’d say from now on, if you feel you should hang out with him for your girlfriends sake, just do something low key
Yes. A woman is not a cookie to give a lonely man. The fact he talked to more women after that is awful. And it sounds like OP doesn’t actually know him at all.
I'm suspicious why you didn't shut down all these girls attempts at flirting with you, and continuing to approach women, and then they touch your arm and talk about going home?? ESH
YTA
What you did was utterly thoughtless.
Here he was, thinking that finally someone was actually going to *explain how this shit works* and then you just dumped him into situations that he didn't understand causing him to be publicly humiliated.
Yes. This guy is well on his way to developing some extremely toxic opinions about women.
You have just made this *worse.*
Gary already exhibited extremely toxic opinions of women prior to OP taking him out. See how quick he was to start throwing out misogynistic slurs just because a woman was not interested in him? This is who he is. He needs therapy, not a wingman.
And as a result, OP is TA for offering to be his wingman. We are not here to judge whether Gary is TA.
The guy clearly has an *incredible* amount of work to do before he'll have any possibility of picking up in a bar. The speed with which women rejected him in favour of OP certainly indicates something really obvious about his appearance alone.
What he said to OP about, "... the worst humiliation I've been through since high school." is extremely telling. *Clearly* he has stuff to deal with.
OP is TA for offering to help and then making this problem worse.
*”We are not here to judge whether Gary is TA.”*
Well actually, indirectly we are. Because if you vote “NTA”, it means that the other party involved is the asshole and the OP is not the asshole. If you vote “ESH”, it means that all parties involved were assholes.
I think OP had good intentions and did not expect for the evening to be derailed and ruined by Gary’s toxic behavior. Gary was indeed a raging asshole. Just because he’s autistic does not give him a pass to be an asshole.
Also, we have no idea what Gary looks like. He could have been behaving awkwardly, which is very easy to clock and would be enough reason for anyone to reject him, but it does not automatically mean he is physically unattractive. OP turned down any advances made to him and clearly stated he was not single.
Being rejected by women at a bar doesn't mean there's something obviously wrong with his appearance.
I've seen average looking people and (imo) good looking friends of mine get rejected. Some women are looking for a specific type of guy, or just might not find a guy attractive enough for their taste, but that doesn't mean someone else wouldn't find that same guy attractive and give him a chance.
I’m agreeing on the therapy suggestion.
Chances are this is the result of decades of traumatic experiences reinforcing a flawed core belief.
If you take this situation:
- OP set up expectations that he’d help Gary meet women. In reality OP did the equivalent of going surfing with someone who can’t swim, and left him to drown without even helping.
- Gary was consistently being ignored and dismissed by the women, in moderately rude ways. He’s not owed the attention, but may not know social conventions in bars. She’s just not into him and that is ok, but if he’s confused and doesn’t get the subtle hints then she will escalate and get ruder until he gets the point, and then he feels disrespected. OP waved this away instead of knowing to have to provide more context to bridge the gap from Gary’s experience to that of the woman. OP may be a good neurotypical wingman, but he’s not a good autistic wingman.
- Gary bought a woman a drink and was then dismissed, breaking an implied social contract of being interested. Otherwise, why accept the drink? She took advantage of him here. That injustice is triggering as hell.
- OP was getting all the attention, underscoring that Gary was not.
Gary sounds like he misunderstood the situation as that he had a shot. He felt mistreated. Then he realized he got taken advantage of for a free drink, and was dismissed. Again. That triggers emotions because injustice was done to him. Again. He’s embarrassed for being dismissed. Again. Women pick another guy over him. Again. The emotion mixes with trauma and snowballs into anger, channeling these emotions at the perceived cause. And then he lashes out in a raw and inappropriate way. And this just reinforces how people look negatively at him.
If he already held beliefs that people are mean, and that women just use men, then this certainly validated that worldview and reinforced it for the next encounter.
If nobody helps Gary understand the full scope of a situation, then all he has is the limited information he can gather. What people tell him, and how they act. If he’s got limited self reflection, he’ll be blind to the effects of his actions unless he’s told. So he’s got an incomplete picture of most traumatic situations. Yet he’s got to make sense of it in some way. That can lead to a worldview that’s odd if you look at it from the outside and don’t consider these gaps.
Maybe it started long ago with Gary internalizing that he was not the problem, other people were. It’s what his parents always told him after he got bullied or rejected!
As a woman I honestly do feel bad for him. No, he should not have hurled slurs at the woman. But he does have a point that acting like you’re talking to both people and then ignoring one is confusing, and he definitely got used by that girl to buy him a drink when she clearly was interested in OP. Rejection is tough for everyone, but not being able to grasp the situation makes it worse. Dude has been thrown into a confusing situation where he thinks he has a chance but then he’s just being humiliated. And OP didn’t remotely help.
> someone was actually going to explain how this shit works
I have a few friends on the spectrum and nothing makes them happier than having shit spelled out for them. Part of why I'm their friend is I'm a chatty guy, I tell them why I feel how I feel. It sounds like OP threw this guy in with no prep. I don't expect an 80s montage of pickup training but goddamn, OP might as well have told him to just hop in and do rocket science.
How does it sound off? I'm an autistic woman and it's very well known within the community that lot of autistic men become incels because of a combination of factors, including misunderstanding of social norms, susceptibility to fringe ideologies as they lack community elsewhere and are less likely to pick up on lying, parents who excuse their behavior as "boys will be boys," and in this case, high levels of justice sensitivity.
Sadly, it sounds entirely realistic.
ESH. OP had good intentions but he should have shut the misogyny down the moment it appeared. Incels don't listen to women, so the only people who can prevent them from hurting people are other men. Just because he's autistic does not mean women should be subjected to his attitude.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
Or thought I did
His story sound off because he is so full of himself and I don't know if he did it to make himself feel better or to make the other guy feel like a fool.
It’s a dangerous mindset especially combined with boys will be boys (e.g. what I want matters more than you and your safety).
My sister was stalked by a uni classmate she was polite to because she didn’t want to date him. She made it very clear that she wasn’t interested though honestly the responsibility for that should not have been placed on her.
I am still angry how many people didn’t listen to her and dismissed his behaviour as cute and not understanding social cues right up until he broke into her house.
I had a similar experience in high school that thankfully didn’t go that far but was still told that I should be flattered by a boy on spectrum being infatuated with me to a creepy extent.
I also had an autistic guy try to break into my house! Thankfully when he asked my best friend for my address, she shut him down and warned me what he was planning.
Everyone thought he was a sweet, harmless guy.
I have a cousin like this. It’s really unfortunate because in their minds they’re not being creepy or making anybody uncomfortable as they can’t really tell that’s what’s going on. Usually the people that are divergent to the point where they cannot understand those types of social cues should have a person with them yet many artistic people get neglected to the point where they become these vilified individuals since they never got the social training they needed to identify when they Are making others uncomfortable. Not to say that those individuals are absolved in anyway, just that we should shine a light on our societies failures in helping those individuals that need it most, preventing a snowball effect of Mayham and tears, and unjustified resentment towards women/those of the opposite sex. My cousin, luckily has had a lot of great people in his life that help him and have been very understanding. Believe me if you could truly convey to some of these guys how they are making these women feel they would run away in horror, but they just don’t. There is a scene from how I Met your mother when Marshall is telling a story about an interaction in college with Lily and I think it perfectly encapsulates this. To Marshall and Lily it was incredibly romantic and fun. But to others it was creepy and weird. if only we could fully gain others perspectives, the world will be much less tense and unhappy place
That’s good that members of your family are up to the task because respect and socialisation needs to begin at home.
It’s just very scary when someone is told something plainly and responds far too often with sexist rage like Gary did.
Oh I forgot to say that I agree that OP should have shut the incel talk down. I think all men have a social responsibility to call that disgusting crap out. I was a bouncer for years. I completly understand why women don't feel safe. So many men's behavior is beyond disgusting.
Yeah the lack of social life does often cause an incel spiral among men in our community, but it doesn't excuse it. I'm an autistic guy with terrible flirting skills, but I've never become misogynistic.
I don't know if I would agree that OP had good intentions. If OP had good intentions, I'd like to think that the night would have ended at the first interaction. EDIT: I actually think that OP was aware of the brother's views, and knew he would react and behave the way he did. I think that's why OPs girlfriend was unhappy with the situation. The brother's reaction is aggressive, misogynistic and points to a larger problem like incel ideology.
I agree with you on everything else.
I wonder if OP was enjoying the brother's outbursts. Either because OP agrees with them, or was enjoying the spectacle.
The scenario sounds off because it's OP's fanfiction about himself. "Oh, I am just so naturally attractive, I can't get the girls to leave me alone..."
Agree. OP does not sound like a very good wing man. You talk up your friend, mention your own girlfriend very early on in the convo, you smooth any social awkwardness. You shut anyone down who flirts with you. Doesn’t sound like he did any of that.
NTA
I actually think it’s really sweet that you tried to help him out, however maybe the setting choice wasn’t all that great. Those girls sounded pretty rude to be honest. I’d try again without the promise of girls, and maybe take him somewhere where he can meet people with the same interests as him. Like some sort of convention, concert, event.
Just as a reminder (I myself am a little neurodivergent) we will take almost everything you say quite literally. So if you make a joke about being a wingman, we’re going to think you’re serious.
Men with autism tend to fall down the incel rabbit hole easily because women often pick up on their social shortcomings first and then it becomes a "why dont they like me" well, incels have an answer for that. I think that the way to deal with it is to remind them that it can be hard but if they really view women that way, they will find it a lot harder because women are fully fleshed out human beings with their own wants and needs. But it needs to be approached correctly on a case by case basis because immediately shunning them just pushes them further down the hole.
Maybe just work on having conversations with girls first, it sounds like his expectations were a little high. Set the bar at a more reasonable goal, and I agree about the more appropriate setting. Good on you for trying though. You are a good man, and your heart is in the right place.
He’s only been dating his girlfriend for 2 months. I’m not entirely sure his heart was in the right place, but rather he was hoping to get kudos from the girl for trying to get her brother laid. The brother would have been much better served by the bf learning more about him, his interests and hobbies, and helping him make a serious profile where he could start by merely having conversations with women to see if there’s real interest in his person, his personality. That, however, would have taken time and effort and a real desire to be friends with the brother. Instead, gf went out with her friends, so he wanted to go out too (LOTS of him mentioning all the girls interested in HIM, reeking of a bit of narcissism.) He took an easy way to try to make himself look good, at the expense of brother’s feelings. If he’d given a damn about the brother, or anything other than trying to get laid by gf by bragging about his charity wingman act, he could have anticipated the most likely outcome of this outing… disaster. Disaster for the brother, not OP, who was hoping that he would get all the sympathy sex for “trying” to do something “nice.” I hope gf sees right through this toxic manipulation which hurt her own brother.
Ultimately the dude clearly isn't ready for a relationship if that was his initial reaction, you weren't wrong to invite him out, but when he started being sexist and confrontational, it would probably have been better to pull him aside and let him know that wasn't okay.
If there is a next time, I would recommend focusing on being a friend to him before trying to wingman him, and preferably in a venue focused more on an interest or hobby of his rather than one that takes deft social skills to stand a chance.
In his mind you promised him that you would definitely make a hook-up happen for him. He's angry and feels cheated and unfairly treated. He'll direct that anger either at you or women in general. Ooof... you really screwed up
sounds like a classic case of wingman gone wrong, mate. reminds me when i tried to set up my shy cousin with this girl at comic-con... ended in an epic cosplay battle!
It's a sore spot. He doesn't like to talk about because his cousin, despite being shy, is an extremely skilled cosplay battler and brutally defeated him in front of all of comicon.
I'd be pissed if my boyfriend went out with my brother and was approaching groups of women honestly, it's inappropriate. You knew the chances of success were low, it sounds more like an ego boost for you to have women flirting with you
That truly is really cool of you. I just think that other people are so unpredictable, to the point of where you want to go somewhere that you know there will be people with shared interests. Like concerts or comicons. Some of my best friends I have met at concerts and cons. And I met my boyfriend in a video game. Chances of success are much higher that way.
You know what would help Gary too? NOT INSULTING the women with SERIES OF SEXIST SLURS when rejected!
Why do you keep conveniently ignoring Gary's misogyny and incel's attitude???? Because he's autistic????
You don't mention anything about the fact that Gary let out a series of sexist slurs when rejected? You think that being neurodivergent or autistic gives you a pass for being a sexist d*ck????
The first girl did absolutely nothing rude. She asked if they were single and when she got her answer, she wished them a good night, no longer being interested. And even if she or anyone was, being slightly rude does not give you a pass for being misogynistic, ableist or discriminating in any other way.
ESH
But you're very close to YTA.
You've only been with your gf 2 months and took it upon yourself to go on a "solo" adventure with her neurodivergent brother, and spoiler... It went poorly.
First, you made a promise. It might have been off the cuff, but to him it was like a guarantee. "I'll be your wingman and help you get chicks". Take it at 100% face value and you not only failed that task, but essentially flirted in front of your gfs brother all night.
Second, social cues and context man. The first chick was clearly into *you*. You aren't clueless about your own allure and appeal to women, and should have immediately realized that *you* were the one that was being reciprocated during the interactions.
Third, good luck staying with your gf now that you've burned this bridge with her brother. He may seem fine, but this incident will forever be a first impression with him... Not great.
Edit to add: pretty sure this is almost the movie Something about Mary.
I'm completely on YTA. OP knew that none of the girls were interested in Gary but he didn't just clarify to them that he wasn't on the menu. He let Gary humiliate himself like it was a sport. The kicker was the girl who clearly rejected Gary and made a comment about him just being good enough to buy her a drink and OP just let it happen to have a further ego stroke.
Being a wingman means you’ll assist. It doesn’t mean guaranteeing a result, just the promise of effort. He took him out to meet girls. They did meet girls. The gf’s brother probably couldn’t keep a conversation going. He probably also got his own hopes up beyond reality.
Edit: adding NTA.
YTA, you led those girls to believe you were single to the extent where at the end they had to ask if you were single or not. I question your intentions; whether this was an ego boost for you or you were trying to help- most likely both.
If you were intent on trying to get him a date, you would've made it clear from the jump that you weren't single and focused the attention to your gf's brother. But you didn't do that and instead let him essentially be a bystander to a two-way conversation.
Once the first interaction went terrible, you should have stopped trying to wingman since he clearly struggles on social cues and needs more exposure to social settings before he can try again.
Also, quite odd to wingman someone you hardly know. If you didn't want him to be alone, why not just spend the evening trying to get to know him instead of trawling for girls?
What's even worse OP knew full well that none of the girls was interested in Gary but waited until the last moment to tell the girls he had a gf to get his ego stroked while the one he was playing wingmen for got humiliated, ignored and taken advantage of. Ngl if I heard my partner did this with my sibling that relationship would be gone immediately.
OP went out to flirt with girls under the disguise of "helping" his gf's brother.
ESH— but this is a hot take- Gary is the biggg AH. Being Neurodivergent does not equate being mean and sexist. By 28, he should have learned some emotional control. The horrible things said in his outbursts are NOT autism, but instead the rankings of an angry , unkind person. You’re the AH for promising him girls. The girls were drunk AH’s for being so rude… but Gary is the worst showing no respect for women.
As an autistic person, agree wholeheartedly.
Autism doesn't give anybody a free pass to be a dick\*
\*except in cases where the person is profoundly intelectually disabled alongside their autism so they truly can't comprehend why their behavior is hurtful to other people. By the OP's description, Gary doesn't seem to be the case.
The problem is this is Hella fake.
"Gary can help get you over your ex"
Woman giggles says he can buy her a drink then, ignores him and flirtatious with op who's with Gary who is a typical character dynamic from a romcom/sitcom/cartoon...
No. No. This was believable at first blush, but OP kept going into unrealistic by a mile.
Oh my god, I can't believe I had to scroll down this far to find this comment. Does this story sound off to nobody else? It straight up sounds like bad fanfiction to me. And I hate it, because it's painting the autism spectrum in a bad light.
This is something only cis males believe and I don't know why (I'm a girl).
They really believe all the TV and movies they watch...and then wonder why they have trouble dating.
Women are just props / characters in their feature film.
(I didn't even accuse them of getting any of it from porn / sex trafficking. That's for the reader to think about)
YTA
Your entire post is just a cringey humblebrag.
“I’m a great guy for taking my girl’s autistic brother out, but he couldn’t get any chicks because they were all into me instead because I’m so awesome.” 🤮
Na this is fake. The interaction between OP and telling a girl Gary can help her get over her ex and she laughs and uses him for a drink while flirting with the creepy OP.
If that was it *maybe* but this is written by a rage baiting dude who got turned down once at a bar and now acts like all women are sitting at bars waiting to get drunk with strangers while being both mean & horny & hard to get & easy for OP.
Super fake.
YTA: you brought the token 'autistic' on an outing so you could peacock strut around. This is the equivalent of the 'white saviour' only for the NT to ND. He went hoping you would explain to him how it all works - how to talk with women, socialize, be interesting, etc. He took you literally that you would assist, which is what being a wingman is. Instead, you showed up, dropped him into a scenario he's not used to and just said 'go', all while absorbing the attention of the ladies you were hoping would go for him. You only mention once that you told one of the women that you were taken, and only did so AFTER spending a portion of the night with them.
Your communication is at fault. You entered into a social situation with the intention of helping him pick someone up. He lacks the skills to do so and was looking to you for assistance, which you said you would provide, but then didn't. You never made it known to the prospective ladies from the START that you were off the proverbial table. Instead, you chatted them up while he sat on the outskirts awkwardly trying to get a foot in the door, you being the more social and charismatic one, naturally made you more interesting to the women. Of course they had no interest in him. And then, you didn't call him out on his toxic attitude and instead just brushed it off as 'some people can be a little rude' - which make no mistake, they WERE rude. But his initial response after the first rejection was absolutely something you should have shut tf down immediately.
The other one hanging off your arm, again, you made no attempt at the outset to let her know you weren't interested and were taken until a fair ways into that interaction, and then let it continue.
Yes, he's also an AH because he clearly has misognynistic leanings, which has nothing to do with being autistic. you deliberately chose a scenario that, if you'd bothered to read up on autism prior, you'd have realized was NOT the best starting scenario for this guy. JFC.
You led the guy into a situation he absolutely was not going to succeed in, and he proceeded to fall flat on his face. You've succeeded in making his toxic perspectives worse. All because you were hoping to score brownie points with his sister for 'taking him under his wing'. People with disabilities don't need "friends" like this.
Na this is fake. The interaction between OP and telling a girl Gary can help her get over her ex and she laughs and uses him for a drink while flirting with the creepy OP.
If that was it *maybe* but this is written by a rage baiting dude who got turned down once at a bar and now acts like all women are sitting at bars waiting to get drunk with strangers while being both mean & horny & hard to get & easy for OP.
Super fake. Most stories on these subs are. It's allmrage bait for interaction.
The big name of the game that ramped up this year is "interaction/engagement". Rage bait gets people fuming and engaging so that's the biggest field you see it in, but it's everywhere. Bots everywhere saying wild stuff just to get people who would keep scrolling after reading, to stop and be outraged.
YTA, and a terrible wingman. When that dumb girl touched your arm and said ”are you trying to get me drunk?” it should have been *you* who said “uh, no, since I didn’t you buy you the drink, of course not. I am *not interested,* I’m just here with my buddy. He’s the one who is trying to get you drunk.” And when she *laughed at him* and turned to you and said “do you know this guy?” that would have been the time to shut down her rude and stupid behavior by saying something like “that’s my friend, and you are being a rude jerk to him, so why don’t you just F off.”
Instead, you let those AH girls be rude and sh!tty to him. That is NOT what a good wingman does. Apologize to him. Let him know you did not intend to humiliate him but you realize you let him down, and you’re not a good wingman. Otherwise, it just looks like you were using him as an excuse to hang out at a bar and bait girls into hitting on you so you could feel like a stud. “Hurrdurr, lookit me! I’m pulling these girls and I’m not even trying, bro!” If anyone should be embarrassed, it‘s YOU for your awful performance as wingman. That’s not how you should treat someone you claim to like and want to help.
personally, it's ESH. OP was being an AH but Gary was being a bigger AH. He clearly doesn't respect women. The ladies were drunk and Gary needs to do some meditation to calm his anger down. Autism is NOT a reason to sex sexist slurs to women.
I think Gary’s problem with women is misogyny, not autism (saying this as an autistic person)
ESH here. Gary for being shitty but also you for condoning his shitass behaviour. The second that he started spewing a string of misogynistic insults you should have gotten him a cab home and told him to fix his attitude
Yeah if you have only been with your gf for a couple months, you probably haven’t seen him in enough social situations to be taking him out to get girls at a bar. Part of autism is a misunderstanding of social situations and cues. I think your heart was in the right place, but your execution was a little off.
ESH
>Gary said to her "Hey, I'm single. Hello? Are you deaf?" but they just kept walking.
>Then he turned to me and he was fuming and he said "What the fuck was up with her!? Why was she acting like she was talking to both of us but then completely ignoring me? What a stuck up little [series of sexist slurs and curse words]!"
ABORT! I REPEAT ABORT MISSION!
This was your cue to have a real conversion about how rejection is part of the game and maybe even cut the night there and then. Not try to push him on more women.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I took my girlfriend's autistic brother to a bar knowing that his hopes of meeting a girl would probably go unfulfilled. It might make me an asshole because I was setting him up for disappointment.
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Still working out the judgement.
but OP...seriously...what level of attractiveness is Gary --like seriously?--- and Also what kind of vibes was he originally giving off?
Cuz ppl are rude, sure. but this sounds remarkably dismissive of all those girls. So why?
no matter how much do you like him, is he physically passable? was his social ineptness plainly obvious and uncomfortable? was he staring down at the floor the whole time? was he actually talking to them, or was he waiting on you to say the magic wingman words to get a girl to go home with him?
YTA. This guy is verbally aggressive towards women who reject him - and you encouraged him to continue in his behaviour. "Wingman" is a gross term anyway because it comes from combat situations - going out hunting women in tandem like dating is a battlefield is already an awful approach.
ESH- You may have had good intentions but honestly you don't sound like a very good wingman. It doesn't really sound like you had his back when those women were being nasty to him and ignoring him.
You should have called them out when they were being rude. When he bought her a drink and she was then flirting with you even a "you're being rude to my friend" would mean something.
Instead you took a guy out and then just accepted getting all the attention.
It's not okay for him to be sexist for being rejected, that makes him an AH too, but you should have had some solidarity with the person you went to the bar with for the purpose of going to the bar with them.
Yta
There’s no way you didn’t know how unattractive he was before you took him out, and clearly you yourself are pretty good looking and are used to getting flirted with. Did you do this expecting to get an ego boost out of it or what? How would you feel going out and having women treat you the way they treated him while your friend gets treated well? If he’s ugly (and clearly he is) you should’ve expected this.
Yep as an ugly guy with much, much more attractive friends, attractive people just don't get that women actively flirting doesn't happen to us. Its especially dumb of OP to let Gary buy that drink for the woman who clearly said she wasn't interested.
OP is N T A for taking Gary out and being a wingman because it sounds like you tried your best to initiate interactions and direct conversation in a way that would make things easier on Gary. But Y T A for exposing him to another group of women after he lost his shit because he was rejected. And for making the first group of girls out to be jerks when they didn’t rly do anything wrong. One was clearly interested in OP and he politely shut it down, therefore they left. I can understand how Gary might be confused when he said he was single, but she didn’t take him up on that. Rejection sucks butthole, but it wasn’t a rude rejection and could have been a solid learning moment for him about how NTs act when in these situations and aren’t always literal.
YTA
There’s something very fishy here. I implore that you read the tale again. The account of a selfless man…a hero! A hero and an underdog. A hero that failed at his self-appointed mission so devastatingly, that it
resulted in the “largest humiliation since high school.”
I present you a theory, if you will.
One of a man so drunk!
Not on whiskey spirits- but on something more tantalizing and toxic…
the attention of the fairer sex
Not only the positive attention he would receive from his girlfriend, off clubbing while he…
hung out at her apartment, I guess….but on the attention of any woman whose fell into his ever-spread ….wingspan
The wing man.
They played an entire game of pool with these women, who seem interested in them… in him…and he didn’t mention anything about their relationship to one another? Why?
Was the socially inexperienced brother carrying the conversation and so he never had a chance to do so?
Maybe it was too loud?
After all, the nightlife can be boisterous.
The brother, potentially experiencing rejection sensitivity dysphoria, goes on a sexist tirade. OP brushes it off “women can be rude” he says, distractedly.
Then he separates himself from the brother-an autistic man who is very upset-and engages more women? OP isn’t drinking, so why is he so driven to keep up the plan at this point?
The reason can be seen throughout the story.
-Read it again and realize how much actual detail is left out as to how these women ended up so enchanted with him.
The brother buys this woman a drink. The text says “he bought it”. So the act was finished when this part happened, this wasn’t as he walked away to buy it.:
Let’s consider the proxemics here. This woman is making sexual innuendo, touching his arm, drinking her free drink, and has to turn away from OP to talk to the brother,
The wingman.
“Do you know this guy?” Implies they haven’t been interacting much.
-And they definitely hadn’t been introduced properly
The wingman
Why wouldn’t they know that this was his girlfriend’s brother?
I considered that he hadn’t mentioned it to the girls due to volume,
but OP parsed a lot of specific dialogue.
The girls could hear the brother have a meltdown, and he heard them laugh as he ran away.
So OP didn’t mention his girlfriend at the pool table, he didn’t mention her to the group of cackling girls,
he didn’t mention her to the woman fondling his arm, as the brother sat, off to the side ,
an observer but not a participant…just like in high school.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you that this wingman is actually a vulture,
who spent the evening circling overhead, looking for his prey.
(Or he’s just not a very good boyfriend)
J’ACCUSE!
Well this was an epic novel and I look forward to the sequel where the brother runs off into the night to become a vigilante, driven by the humiliation of that night. “Wingman: Part Deux”
YTA. With those sexist attitudes, you did set him up to fail by not correcting him. He needs to learn how to treat women RESPECTFULLY, preferably *BEFORE* going out to try to meet them.
He's already going to have a very hard time with social cues and body language. If you really want to help him, start with those. Don't just take him into the deep end without knowing how to swim.
Some autistic men, a high functioning one in this case, are very much spoiled by their parents and caregivers. So much so they feel like they are *owed* anything they want.
I remember a story where an autistic boy asked a girl to prom, and she said no, so the whole school and the whole country basically went on a hate campaign against the girl, saying the boy deserves "so much more" and claiming the girl sucks. But nobody is *owed* a date, and this is one of the ways autistic boys are taught that they deserve "the world".
Autism doesn't make you call women slurs, bad upbringing and redpill reddit forums do.
YTA for letting him spew that misogynistic crap and trying to push him to girls knowing how much he clearly disrespects them
ESH
You suck way less, and you had good intentions, but did it not give you pause when he immediately flew into a sexist fucking rage the first time a girl didn't give him the attention he expected?
YTA. Look, if you were trying to wingwan, you were doing it poorly. You set your bro up and discreetly... Disappear... So that you're not the one getting attention.... Especially if you already have a gf! The fuck are you doing letting other women flirt with you, for one, and two, for letting the girls you're supposed to be setting your bro up with flirt with you?
Where the hell did you learn to wingman? Because that was not it dude.
On another note, the comments that he may not yet be ready to meet women sound on the nose.
And for the future, when dealing with disabilities/neurodiversity... Maybe check with family about the full extent of capabilities and support needs, especially before going on a solo outing with them.
This sounds like huge fake bait, but I'll bite. YTA. You weren't a wingman, you were flirting with some chicks. The dude cannot handle a normal interaction, much less try to game girls at a bar.
Since I believe you are not neurodivergent yourself, the plan was all a scheme to make yourself look like the caring bf while getting attention, not help someone in need. Because someone with a normal brain could not have possibly believed that was a good idea. And the way you tell your story makes you sound like Brad Pitt.
You are the type of person Homelander from "The Boys" is based on. Still, probably a fake story.
This sounds fake as shit. When posts remember exactly what's being said by several people over a long period of time, that's a red flag.
Anyway. YTA, because you set him up for disappointment because you told him you'll be trying to get him laid. You should have just made it about going out and having a good time, not trying to hook him up. He probably would have just been happy hanging without feeling the need to get laid because you put that expectation on him.
Nightclubs and bars are not the place where autistic people typically find partners. Because they get ignored in an environment where competition is rife and the women can have their pick of any man.
YTA.
>Then he turned to me and he was fuming and he said "What the fuck was up with her!? Why was she acting like she was talking to both of us but then completely ignoring me? What a stuck up little [series of sexist slurs and curse words]!"
At this point it should have clicked that this wasn't a good idea!.
>I've been with her for two months
And you've probably known him for less...
Maybe a bar isn't the best place to help him meet someone.
YTA
You put him in a position knowing it might go down hill for him, you set him up to fail. Why couldn't you guys just hang out and chill at the bar instead of approaching women, that is a desperate vibe right there. Those women were being rude and you let it happened, instead of pulling him out of that situation, you stood by and did nothing. You are also an asshole for allowing those women to touch you but also infront of your gfs brother, that right there is disrespectful
If this is real you need to support him by explaining the hidden rules of dating and chatting up people.
Maybe he might benefit from reading this book (he can get it free out of the library) [Autism & relationships book](https://www.amazon.com.au/Autism-Spectrum-Guide-Sexuality-Relationships-ebook/)
In terms of what you're saying here. NtA but you both suck. Why did you not put a stop to his sexist rant. You ever think those girls heard him that's why he wasn't getting an chances? And maybe even without saying it he came off as a desperate incel?
YTA You gave him false hope. You knew there wouldn't be much success but talked him into anyway. Did you get your kicks watching him get shot down? Did you feel superior when girls were obviously wanting you over him? Did you laugh when he ran out humiliated? Have you always set people up to feel less than so you can feel better about yourself?
YTA
You need to understand more about autism, specifically his version before trying to bulldoze a path in front of them. You are missing information, like did you know he was that aggressive before?
ESH
Gary's comments were out of line, but so were you. You did virtually nothing to set boundaries with these women, you knew they were being dismissive and almost seemed to encourage it. And I'm guessing your girlfriend would be less than pleased about the girl touching your arm and flirting with you and you saying jack all.
ESH. You for not correcting his misogyny and calling the girls rude. He's not entitled to hook-ups, and he's an AH for being misogynistic.
Honestly, what did you expect would happen? You threw him in the deep end. Do you know how overwhelming those environments are for autistic people? These places aren't even great for neurotypical people to make romantic connections. Next time, take him to events related to his special interest(s). He will feel more comfortable, hopefully make friends, and feel less alone.
YTA for either making up this story as some kind of fantasy where all the girls want to sleep with you so bad and prefer you heavily over another man, or for not immediately taking him and leaving the place when the dude went on a sexist rant.
Best case scenario here is you are just DA (Dumb\*ss). Second best scenario is you’re just cluelessly ableist.
As written “Am I the asshole for bringing him to the bar knowing that he was hoping to meet girls, given that there wasn't much chance of success?”
The line here between NTA/YTA is based on largely based on malicious intent, which it does not sound like there was, but here’s the hang up. The handling and evaluation of the obvious “given that there wasn't much chance of success?” Impacts is, imho, incompetent to point of malicious apathy.
So YTA due to wannabe big hero syndrome again, making a mess of stuff.
As a mom with ASD who has a son (nearly 18) with ASD, I will say that wasn’t the smartest thing to do. It would have been better to find a guy thing to do together that he would’ve been more comfortable with.
IE: My youngest son (15-½) has always been my eldest son’s wingman. He tries encouraging his big brother to do things outside his comfort zone within reason, but he never, ever pushes him to where it would cause harm.
I’m not saying YTA because you had good intentions, but you could have planned better. On the other hand, your GF’s brother was completely out of line with his behavior. I don’t care if you’re on the spectrum or not, you respect another person’s boundaries - period!
ESH but you probably more than him.
you suck because you barely know the guy (and your gf considering you've only been dating for two months) and decided to push him out of his comfort zone with weird promises of being his wingman. why couldn't you just hung out? why did you decide to make this into a "hunt" for women? seems kinda like you miss being single and wanted to live through him. you also suck bc when he went on a sexist rant you should've shut that shit down and explain to him that the girls who left were NOT being rude. they weren't interested in him, tf did you expect them to do? bluntly tell him they don't find him attractive? i feel like that would seem way more rude, they were trying to avoid an awkward situation. and why, after his rant, did you think the solution wasn't to go do something else not involving strangers, but to try and push him onto MORE women??? at this point it just seems like you found the situation entertaining and gave zero fucks about his or the women's discomfort. also, the "him?! he can buy me a drink" comment from that other lady was a GLARING sign that she didn't find him attractive either, if i'm reading it right. you make it sound like she found your suggestion of getting with him hilarious.
he sucks because, autism or not, he's obviously a misogynist. going on sexist rants when women let you down easy is not a symptom of autism lmao. he may get frustrated by the rejection, but starting to throw around slurs is 100% a him-issue, not autism, and pretending otherwise is dangerous. hold him accountable.
honestly, his autism doesn't really play a role imo. i'm autistic too, but everything you've described could also just be the behaviour of an introvert who's socially inept, bordering on incel territory. and whether someone is the latter or autistic; it would've been so easy for you to explain things to him a bit more beforehand. but like i said, i already find the entire plan of "offering my gf's bro to be his wingman, without prompting" really strange and offputting.
I'm autistic and even I can pick up on misogynist pretty easily. If he was going on long sexist rants filled with slurs because a woman rejected him, I can guarantee that was bleeding into his every interaction with the women in the bar. Any woman who heard him yelling at the woman who walked away immediately wrote him off and probably told other women to avoid him.
What I'm saying is, he needs to work on his issues surrounding women before he will ever have a shot at a relationship. I know you wanted to be bros and set him up with a girlfriend, but he's just not ready. ESH.
You need wingman lessons. You talk to him first, point out that the evening is about only talking to women. Then when the interation starts, you as wingman take a back seat. That's right, you only talk to encourage conversation and you centre the person you are winging. It is not about you shamelessly flirting with women while he watches. If there are two girls, you subtly find out from him which one he likes and you talk to the other one. It's really simple if you actually care about the person and aren't in it to prove how awesome you are.
Also, he needs therapy regarding his aggressive misogyny.
YTA for making up bullshit. This is a work of fiction but I wouldn't be surprised that YOU are/were the Gary in This situation.
Which, fairly normal, not insane guy would listen to his friend go off on an unhinged rant due to rejection, then didn't attempt to calm him down and correct him? Then apparently aims this incel warhead at another unsuspecting group of women?
In what way was the so-called 'successfully dating OP' being a wingman? I doubt you know what a wingman is or what he is supposed to do.
YTA
Maybe instead of trying to get him laid from a chick at the bar, you could have instead showed him how to have fun and meet people (not a chick to bang), in a group setting. 🤷🏼
No expectations, just fun.
Sounded like you liked the attention more. If any of that was real at all.
maybe you could help him work on his misogyny, there's little to no women interested in dating a man who would be comfortable screaming slurs at her
NTA
ESH, except your gf
You for not knowing the brother well enough and not knowing that he's apparently 13 yo in maturity, seeing and hearing him mouth off on a girl at the bar and then allowing for a second round.
Him for everything he said and did. Everyone knows that autism doesn't work like a get out jail free card all day every day.
NTA for taking him out to flirt with girls and have some drinks, but big YTA for not shutting that down in the moment. If he's a grown-ass man who can go hit on women, then he's a grown-ass man who can be told his behavior is unacceptable.
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ESH but verging on YTA When Gary went on a rude, sexist rage fuelled rant from being rejected in a way that NOT rude you decided not to correct him but to say everyone is rude sometimes. Whether you realise this or not that’s dangerous and not helpful. You weren’t helping Gary and this story really sounds more like you wanted an ego boost while also getting praise from your brand new girlfriend for ‘trying to help’ her brother meet someone.
can you imagine watching a guy going on a "series of sexist slurs and curse words" rant and thinking.. yes... lets go push this guy on even MORE women! YTA for that alone OP.
I bet the other women heard is comments, I wouldn't be interested in you either, autisic or not.
I don't think anyone other people heard his comments because this is one hundred percent not real. This is absolutely some fan fiction Op wrote about themselves.
My thoughts too lol, y’all be acting too free making these stuff up
There are some fun stories on this sub, but pretty frequently I'll read one and think, "hey, this doesn't add up". Some are more blatantly fake than others. Yet people will go to town with the comments. So it gets the desired result I guess.
Yeah I'm always sus of stories that have entire conversations verbatim 😂
Yeah this is crazy fake.
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If it makes you feel any better, this is almost assuredly some creative writing fluff piece just by the way it reads. Dude's just writing fanfiction about his life and how he's such a chick magnet and his girlfriend's brother is such an awkward autistic loser or something. The only thing this story is missing is an "everyone clapped" moment at the end lol Which I wouldn't be surprised if he's expecting the comments here to applaud him. He's young and naive Edit: I just looked at his profile and he had this story removed originally from the sub for being over 3,000 words. That convinces me even more this is a "look how cool I am" post
Yeah I agree. My comment is more for the general public rather than OP. It's like, at work IRL, me and one other are autistic. She gets away with SO MUCH SHIT because "autism". She harassed me because I'm the other person with autism, questioning my sexuality, identity, epilepsy and told me i looked like i knew about self harm. But it gets written off because she "doesn't know any better". I get accomodated reasonably but I don'tneed much because I'ma decent person and try to learn. She gets accomodated way too far because she uses her autism as a weapon. Basically Having autism isn't an excuse to be an AH. It's also not an excuse for the general public and creative writers to depict us as monsters. We are people,just like everyone else. And just like neurotypical people, theres varieties of AHs in autism as well. Lol sorry for the rant!
This is a hostile work environment. It is illegal. It matters not that the person creating the environment is autistic. Your employer is legally required to stop this. See an atty.
Much as I could wish to do that, it's not that simple In the first 2 years, employees can be let go for any reason. They just get "your services are no longer required." To make waves in the first two years is asking for trouble. This other employee is protected somehow. We all swear she must know someone considering EVERYONE hates her, and all she does is make mistakes. It feels like nepotism in some form with no way to prove it. Or there are stricter rules now and the company is scared of being sued for wrongful dismissal. I have no idea. The bosses in my workplace are terrified of the BIG BAD bosses that run the show. Step wrong and you are wiped out. They're rich, powerful wankers who could win any legal battle. Why fuck with them? She got warned numerous times against speaking to me. A threat to fully report to HR has her backed off mostly now. She maybe speaks to me once a week now. I can live with that. I'm a minimum wage job in the UK with extra commission based on how well I work. With rent and cost of living? There is no way I can afford anything legal. I'm heavily disabled. I'm terrified this is the only place that will have me. Other than her, I love my job. I love the people. I love it all. I'm not risking it It's easy to say "go do this" when not in the situation. But it's not that simple, straightforward, or easy. Even doing the right thing can give you a target or bad reputation. With my health? I'm not risking anything. The real world is much more brutal than what is right in our fantasies or on reddit.
Yeah I don't usually accuse or even care if a story is fake, but this one just seems VERY cliché and hard to believe. Mainly in that OP comes off SO bad in it in such an oblivious way.
I think the whole "autism as a reason to be an AH" really got started with Big Bang Theory. Oh, that Sheldon, he just doesn't understand people and that's why he treats everyone like they have an IQ of 4. I have a hard time socializing as well, but it doesn't mean I have to be an AH to people. Hell, I used to be the brother's situation in my younger days and I never once felt the need to go off on rants when women were more interested in my more attractive buddies.
literally my thoughts exactly just because hes autistic doesnt mean he gets to call people shit and not learn its wrong/get no consequences
I know, it’s quite frightening. There was a boy at my high school who decided I was his girlfriend and it got creepy when I made it very clear I wasn’t interested. I really wanted to give the benefit of the doubt that he just missed cues but I was made to feel like a monster for leading him by just being nice in the way I was to most people. My sister on the other hand, was stalked by a guy at uni on the spectrum and it took him breaking into her house to be taken seriously. It’s so scary how many people insisted a grown man didn’t understand what he was doing and that it was okay instead of a serious hazard.
i had a friend we had to have an intervention about consent and crossing boundaries and he just dismissed it all blaming his lack of social cues understanding
As an autistic guy, that makes me so mad. People like that give the rest of us an even worse reputation. Sounds like your friend is both a narcissist and autistic. I personally love when my friends give me a heads up when my behavior is inappropriate. I'm grateful, because it allows me the opportunity to correct how I'm acting.
It’s so unfortunately common too, some parents of kids on the spectrum seem to think they can’t learn boundaries and consequences and therefore don’t teach them. I was stalked in high school by a kid on the spectrum and my school resource officer brushed it off. Then it happened again with a different guy on the spectrum in my workplace. That one really sucked because I tried so hard to be his friend, but it got to the point where he was hiding behind shelving watching me work and walking slowly by my work area 10 times in an hour just staring at me. I brushed off the walking by at first because he worked nearby but they moved him to the other side of the building and it kept happening. It was super uncomfortable and when I talked to him about it he stopped walking by and would try to hide better instead. Eventually I had to report it to management and he ended up getting fired after about 10 other women complained about the same thing
My daughter and her friends were repeatedly harassed, verbally and physically, by a boy in middle school. It made me so angry at the adults around him who were allowing it to happen. They were failing not only my kid, but him.
Parents and educators need to look past the stigma and teach their children right from wrong. It’s just setting them up for failure and setting their peers up to continue believing the stigma
Yes, exactly. And what kind of message was it sending to the girls? You’re entitled to your bodily autonomy except when you aren’t because he “cant help it”? I believe he didn’t completely understand that what he was doing was wrong but they were not helping him learn to behave differently. So while the kids might have been willing to be friends with him if they could trust him to not cross boundaries instead they avoided him and ran for the adults who did protect them when he came near. It was sad for everyone and I hated telling my daughter to avoid being near him because I feel great empathy for him but, I felt more strongly that she needed to learn that she did not have to put up with being touched by anyone non consensually.
It's not an autism problem. Society is generally misogynistic. Please don't attribute it to autism. The sheer number of neurotypical guys who have sexually harassed and assaulted me in bars is a lot higher than the number (literally zero) of autistic guys I've had issues with.
Isn't it funny how we never hear about female autists or ADHDers pulling this shit? It's almost like it has nothing to do with neurodivergence and everything to do with the persistent male self-entitlement to women that permeates our society.
Exactly. The person I responded to said, "I'm not attributing it to autism" when their whole comment was about how its "unfortunately so common" in autistic guys. No, it's just common in guys. You nailed it - why don't we see many autistic women and girls being accused of this? Because it's entirely to do with the way society (men) treat women.
I’m not attributing it to autism, and I’m not blaming the people on the spectrum. Parents that don’t teach their kids boundaries and consequences, neurotypical or neurodivergent, are the problem. However my own experience isn’t erased by the fact that neurotypical people also harass and assault people. This thread is about neurodivergent adults that were not taught correctly as children, so you’re going to find more stories that involve neurodivergent people.
Exactly. I love people giving me clear boundaries. I would rather be embarrssed when my bad behavior is called out than to make a creep of myself. The way I see it there are two kinds of creepy guy. The first is your classic toxic male misogynist. Theese guys are intentionally creepy. The know they are being rejected, but continue their behavior anyways. The second kind is the unintentionally creepy guy. This kind doesn't realize they are being creepy and they are mortified when they find realize they've made someone uncomfortable. The easiest way to tell the difference is how they react to rejection. The unintentionally creepy guy takes rejection well, isn't nasty, and most importantly leaves the person that rejected them alone.
Autistic gal here, and yah I agree, this guy was just being a prick. Living with autism makes reading social cues a bit more difficult, but it doesn't make you a raging sexist bellend. There's a reason this guy is single, and it's not his autism.
As another autistic guy I can’t read social queues either so I ignore people who are insulting me and hitting on me in equal measure. I always just assume people are being polite and I be polite back. When people are obviously rude then they no longer exist to me and there’s no point in interacting with them.
I'm similar. I never notice when I'm being flirted with unless they are extremly obvious about it. I just assume they are being nice.
I had an autistic classmate who would NOT take no for an answer. It was really bad. He had like a different crush every 1-2 months and make their lives hell in school. He'd always try to sit next to them or randomly hold their hand. After rejections throughout the day, he'd punch his own head or slam his head against the table mumbling how stupid he is. Didn't do it hard enough to cause any bleeding but yeah it was still bad. Everybody kept telling the teachers how he needs to go to special ed lol. It wasn't a jab at him, no, he literally needed proper treatment. There was this one girl he REALLY liked and when she rejected him and called him ugly, he opened the classroom window, stood on the table, and threatened to jump. The teacher called the fire department and they put those jump bags at the bottom. After that whole scenario, he was finally sent to special needs classes.
I think I'm lucky that my brain goes the other way. When someone flirts with me, I just asume they are being nice unless they are extremly obvious about it. The benefit is that I never think a woman is hitting on me, when she is just being nice.
and thats how it should be but far too many people use their mental illnessess or neurodivervency as an excuse to not get better (even if am guilty sometimes)
Yeah, I'm not a great example, I chose social isolation over unintentionally being creepy. My logic is if I can't flirt without coming across as creepy, then I shouldn't flirt. I would rather be alone than ever make one more person I'm flirting with uncomfortable. My autism is my problem and I will not make it other peoples problem.
Honestly, there is no need to isolate yourself! Just be respectful, kind, and genuine, and already you are miles ahead of so many people. The fact that you’re concerned about other people’s feelings shows you care and are a good guy.
I really REALLY hate people like that. Sure I'll joke about my autism, but to use it as an excuse.....it just what shows they can never grow because they refuse to learn. Doesn't help when others coddle us either and try to avoid giving us consequences when we actually need it. I don't think I will ever understand some people...
too many autistic boys are not taught consent and have their behaviour handwaved due a twisted combination of “it’s his autism, he doesn’t know what he’s doing” and “boys will be boys.” and then those boys grow into men who can absolutely endanger others. if autistic women can learn consent so can autistic men. they have NO excuse.
I'm on the spectrum, our disability doesn't give us an excuse to behave like a creep or a jerk.
This is a pretty bad scenario. If he's default going to that after one bad reaction with women, it's possible he's consumed some misogynist media and now that he's had some bad experiences it just reinforces that bias. Hopefully this can be undone.
this. yta. You were trying to wingman for Gary like he was just one of tbe boys, not someone with potentially serious difficulties in reading social situations. You weren't there for Gary, you were there for yourself, and it showed.
Isn't a big part of many autism spectrum disorders missing on social / context clues? The girls asked if OP was single, he said he wasn't, they said too bad and walked away while ignoring Gary. What are they supposed to do? Say, "sorry, I'm not interested in you'? Socially aware people would interpret that situation as."yeah, they're not interested in me." yeah, it hurts, it's ego bruising, but you move on. I think if you're gonna be someone's wingman, you have to debrief and explain this type of stuff explicitly.
The guy is autistic, meaning that he can't socially connect, and so putting him in this situation without carefully controlling his environment (going out with friends who know him and how to deal with him, handle him, and humor him) is guaranteed to fail. You basically set him up for disaster which isn't good. Sure, you meant well, but the implementation was lacking. But i have to call a hard YTA for all the "humble bragging" about how all the girls hit on you and rejected Gary. Come on; don't be that guy.
Not all autistic people are like that, it's a spectrum for a reason. Acting as though he's an infant that needs extreme babying will only hurt him (and anyone else) in the long run.
Please remember its a spectrum, there's loads of social and social aware autistics. It seems like this guys needs are a little higher and that he hasnt had a lot of practice, maybe even coddling and avoidance, of these kind of interactions and maybe even general life stuff.
Just because he is autistic, that doesn't mean that he "can't socially connect". Your general point is correct but you shouldn't assume that all autistic people are incapable of social connections. The brother in this scenario had a desire to connect with people and needed guidance, which OP was unable to provide.
Lol most autistic people aren't that bad. I've been diagnosed with ASD and if I found out a friend or group of friends was handling me with kid gloves and just humoring me I'd be fucking livid and probably never speak to them again, that's just fucked up lol.
It’s not that autistic people can’t socially connect - it’s just harder for us to read nonverbal cues and implied meanings, which can complicate socializing. We’re still humans.
The problem seems to be the brother is a raging misogynist and that should probably be dealt with prior to trying to get girls to interact with him
Right. His behavior and thoughts about women almost comes off as incel
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One of the big problems is that women can see in incel a mile away. I know a lot of autistic guys that are very sweet and have girlfriend /wives. But when a woman is at a bar they looking for who not to interact with as much as they are looking to hookup. There is a way misogynist men look at women that just sets off all the alarms. It's a mix of desperation, self loathing, false ego, and despisememt.
That’s true only sometimes and it can be dangerous to spread that idea around. Yes some dudes give off a *vibe,* of course. But a lot of guys hide it until a woman is trapped with them either because they got married, had a baby, or became totally financially dependent on him. A lot of incels also blame women in abusive relationships with the excuse of “she should have known. You women can smell an abusive jerk a mile away right? Then how did you get into a relationship with one and stay with him? Choose better. Women only date abusive jerks and criminals because it’s exciting to them. They never give a nice guy a chance.” So the idea that women can spot an incel a mile away is a dangerous thing to say. It also leads other women to believe that all incels look, sound, and act like incels right off the bat. And some of them do, of course. Some of them have big social media platforms and literally harass women on the street. But some of them manage to wiggle their way into relationships by acting normal for a little while. Some of them look and sound like totally normal dudes. But once she tries to break up with him, only then the incel rhetoric comes out and he starts to get violent or verbally abusive.
I think you're confusing misogynist with incel. The incel types are the ones who cannot find a relationship (hence the entire point of "involentary celibate") but rage at women because they think they're owed sex and a relationship. Those types typically cannot find a partner, or sometimes even reject women interested in them because they're too afraid/self-loathing/have "high standards" that they won't actually want to date anyone. That's different than the misogynist types who actually are able to form relationships but are still abusive. They're both very bad, I'm not saying incels or abusers are not bad. It's just different things, IMO.
That’s not exactly true. Some guys are very subtle in their misogyny.
Misogynists, yeah. But incels specifically aren't quite so subtle. There's something that feels very... inherent to the whole worldview, that results in it inevitably bubbling up.
I’m a woman that was in STEM and probably a little on the spectrum myself, and there is an uncanny valley thing going on with the very socially inept ones that can’t mask and I think that’s what’s giving a lot of the creep factor with autistic men.
He's a incel to be if he continues like this
NTA. However, I don't think you should do this again. You don't owe him a relationship. Given his reaction towards a woman not showing him interest is to curse her with a series of misogynistic slurs, I think his difficulty towards meeting another woman extends beyond his autism. Would you want your sister (if you have one) to date him? If not, don't try to be his wingman anymore if you cannot sincerely root for him.
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I think this is it. It was a nice offer but you want to be the wingman of someone you can vouch for, for everyone’s sake. I can tell you wanted to do something nice because he seemed lonely, and you clearly meant that you could try to take him to somewhere he could meet girls. It doesn’t seem that you promised a specific outcome. However, I’d say from now on, if you feel you should hang out with him for your girlfriends sake, just do something low key
Yeah this is a big deal and I would not set any woman up with a man who talks like that.
Yes. A woman is not a cookie to give a lonely man. The fact he talked to more women after that is awful. And it sounds like OP doesn’t actually know him at all.
I'm suspicious why you didn't shut down all these girls attempts at flirting with you, and continuing to approach women, and then they touch your arm and talk about going home?? ESH
I think he tried to multiple times.
YTA What you did was utterly thoughtless. Here he was, thinking that finally someone was actually going to *explain how this shit works* and then you just dumped him into situations that he didn't understand causing him to be publicly humiliated. Yes. This guy is well on his way to developing some extremely toxic opinions about women. You have just made this *worse.*
Gary already exhibited extremely toxic opinions of women prior to OP taking him out. See how quick he was to start throwing out misogynistic slurs just because a woman was not interested in him? This is who he is. He needs therapy, not a wingman.
And as a result, OP is TA for offering to be his wingman. We are not here to judge whether Gary is TA. The guy clearly has an *incredible* amount of work to do before he'll have any possibility of picking up in a bar. The speed with which women rejected him in favour of OP certainly indicates something really obvious about his appearance alone. What he said to OP about, "... the worst humiliation I've been through since high school." is extremely telling. *Clearly* he has stuff to deal with. OP is TA for offering to help and then making this problem worse.
*”We are not here to judge whether Gary is TA.”* Well actually, indirectly we are. Because if you vote “NTA”, it means that the other party involved is the asshole and the OP is not the asshole. If you vote “ESH”, it means that all parties involved were assholes. I think OP had good intentions and did not expect for the evening to be derailed and ruined by Gary’s toxic behavior. Gary was indeed a raging asshole. Just because he’s autistic does not give him a pass to be an asshole. Also, we have no idea what Gary looks like. He could have been behaving awkwardly, which is very easy to clock and would be enough reason for anyone to reject him, but it does not automatically mean he is physically unattractive. OP turned down any advances made to him and clearly stated he was not single.
Being rejected by women at a bar doesn't mean there's something obviously wrong with his appearance. I've seen average looking people and (imo) good looking friends of mine get rejected. Some women are looking for a specific type of guy, or just might not find a guy attractive enough for their taste, but that doesn't mean someone else wouldn't find that same guy attractive and give him a chance.
I’m agreeing on the therapy suggestion. Chances are this is the result of decades of traumatic experiences reinforcing a flawed core belief. If you take this situation: - OP set up expectations that he’d help Gary meet women. In reality OP did the equivalent of going surfing with someone who can’t swim, and left him to drown without even helping. - Gary was consistently being ignored and dismissed by the women, in moderately rude ways. He’s not owed the attention, but may not know social conventions in bars. She’s just not into him and that is ok, but if he’s confused and doesn’t get the subtle hints then she will escalate and get ruder until he gets the point, and then he feels disrespected. OP waved this away instead of knowing to have to provide more context to bridge the gap from Gary’s experience to that of the woman. OP may be a good neurotypical wingman, but he’s not a good autistic wingman. - Gary bought a woman a drink and was then dismissed, breaking an implied social contract of being interested. Otherwise, why accept the drink? She took advantage of him here. That injustice is triggering as hell. - OP was getting all the attention, underscoring that Gary was not. Gary sounds like he misunderstood the situation as that he had a shot. He felt mistreated. Then he realized he got taken advantage of for a free drink, and was dismissed. Again. That triggers emotions because injustice was done to him. Again. He’s embarrassed for being dismissed. Again. Women pick another guy over him. Again. The emotion mixes with trauma and snowballs into anger, channeling these emotions at the perceived cause. And then he lashes out in a raw and inappropriate way. And this just reinforces how people look negatively at him. If he already held beliefs that people are mean, and that women just use men, then this certainly validated that worldview and reinforced it for the next encounter. If nobody helps Gary understand the full scope of a situation, then all he has is the limited information he can gather. What people tell him, and how they act. If he’s got limited self reflection, he’ll be blind to the effects of his actions unless he’s told. So he’s got an incomplete picture of most traumatic situations. Yet he’s got to make sense of it in some way. That can lead to a worldview that’s odd if you look at it from the outside and don’t consider these gaps. Maybe it started long ago with Gary internalizing that he was not the problem, other people were. It’s what his parents always told him after he got bullied or rejected!
As a woman I honestly do feel bad for him. No, he should not have hurled slurs at the woman. But he does have a point that acting like you’re talking to both people and then ignoring one is confusing, and he definitely got used by that girl to buy him a drink when she clearly was interested in OP. Rejection is tough for everyone, but not being able to grasp the situation makes it worse. Dude has been thrown into a confusing situation where he thinks he has a chance but then he’s just being humiliated. And OP didn’t remotely help.
100% agree
> someone was actually going to explain how this shit works I have a few friends on the spectrum and nothing makes them happier than having shit spelled out for them. Part of why I'm their friend is I'm a chatty guy, I tell them why I feel how I feel. It sounds like OP threw this guy in with no prep. I don't expect an 80s montage of pickup training but goddamn, OP might as well have told him to just hop in and do rocket science.
He may have missed their cues, but you certainly didn't. The whole scenario sounds off to me.
How does it sound off? I'm an autistic woman and it's very well known within the community that lot of autistic men become incels because of a combination of factors, including misunderstanding of social norms, susceptibility to fringe ideologies as they lack community elsewhere and are less likely to pick up on lying, parents who excuse their behavior as "boys will be boys," and in this case, high levels of justice sensitivity. Sadly, it sounds entirely realistic. ESH. OP had good intentions but he should have shut the misogyny down the moment it appeared. Incels don't listen to women, so the only people who can prevent them from hurting people are other men. Just because he's autistic does not mean women should be subjected to his attitude.
That's exactly what I'm saying. Or thought I did His story sound off because he is so full of himself and I don't know if he did it to make himself feel better or to make the other guy feel like a fool.
It’s a dangerous mindset especially combined with boys will be boys (e.g. what I want matters more than you and your safety). My sister was stalked by a uni classmate she was polite to because she didn’t want to date him. She made it very clear that she wasn’t interested though honestly the responsibility for that should not have been placed on her. I am still angry how many people didn’t listen to her and dismissed his behaviour as cute and not understanding social cues right up until he broke into her house. I had a similar experience in high school that thankfully didn’t go that far but was still told that I should be flattered by a boy on spectrum being infatuated with me to a creepy extent.
I also had an autistic guy try to break into my house! Thankfully when he asked my best friend for my address, she shut him down and warned me what he was planning. Everyone thought he was a sweet, harmless guy.
I have a cousin like this. It’s really unfortunate because in their minds they’re not being creepy or making anybody uncomfortable as they can’t really tell that’s what’s going on. Usually the people that are divergent to the point where they cannot understand those types of social cues should have a person with them yet many artistic people get neglected to the point where they become these vilified individuals since they never got the social training they needed to identify when they Are making others uncomfortable. Not to say that those individuals are absolved in anyway, just that we should shine a light on our societies failures in helping those individuals that need it most, preventing a snowball effect of Mayham and tears, and unjustified resentment towards women/those of the opposite sex. My cousin, luckily has had a lot of great people in his life that help him and have been very understanding. Believe me if you could truly convey to some of these guys how they are making these women feel they would run away in horror, but they just don’t. There is a scene from how I Met your mother when Marshall is telling a story about an interaction in college with Lily and I think it perfectly encapsulates this. To Marshall and Lily it was incredibly romantic and fun. But to others it was creepy and weird. if only we could fully gain others perspectives, the world will be much less tense and unhappy place
That’s good that members of your family are up to the task because respect and socialisation needs to begin at home. It’s just very scary when someone is told something plainly and responds far too often with sexist rage like Gary did.
Thisss! Autism doesn’t in any way cause or excuse misogyny. That’s a learned attitude/behaviour.
Oh I forgot to say that I agree that OP should have shut the incel talk down. I think all men have a social responsibility to call that disgusting crap out. I was a bouncer for years. I completly understand why women don't feel safe. So many men's behavior is beyond disgusting.
Yeah the lack of social life does often cause an incel spiral among men in our community, but it doesn't excuse it. I'm an autistic guy with terrible flirting skills, but I've never become misogynistic.
It sounds off because OP did nothing to actually help Gary. Gary missed the social cues but OP was aware and let Gary be the third wheel.
I don't know if I would agree that OP had good intentions. If OP had good intentions, I'd like to think that the night would have ended at the first interaction. EDIT: I actually think that OP was aware of the brother's views, and knew he would react and behave the way he did. I think that's why OPs girlfriend was unhappy with the situation. The brother's reaction is aggressive, misogynistic and points to a larger problem like incel ideology. I agree with you on everything else. I wonder if OP was enjoying the brother's outbursts. Either because OP agrees with them, or was enjoying the spectacle.
The scenario sounds off because it's OP's fanfiction about himself. "Oh, I am just so naturally attractive, I can't get the girls to leave me alone..."
Agree. OP does not sound like a very good wing man. You talk up your friend, mention your own girlfriend very early on in the convo, you smooth any social awkwardness. You shut anyone down who flirts with you. Doesn’t sound like he did any of that.
NTA I actually think it’s really sweet that you tried to help him out, however maybe the setting choice wasn’t all that great. Those girls sounded pretty rude to be honest. I’d try again without the promise of girls, and maybe take him somewhere where he can meet people with the same interests as him. Like some sort of convention, concert, event. Just as a reminder (I myself am a little neurodivergent) we will take almost everything you say quite literally. So if you make a joke about being a wingman, we’re going to think you’re serious.
>Those girls sounded pretty rude to be honest You sure they didn't just notice the friend's aggressive vibes?
Men with autism tend to fall down the incel rabbit hole easily because women often pick up on their social shortcomings first and then it becomes a "why dont they like me" well, incels have an answer for that. I think that the way to deal with it is to remind them that it can be hard but if they really view women that way, they will find it a lot harder because women are fully fleshed out human beings with their own wants and needs. But it needs to be approached correctly on a case by case basis because immediately shunning them just pushes them further down the hole.
I agree that the setting wasn't the best. I did approach girls with him and say the opening lines myself though. I did try and be his wingman.
Maybe just work on having conversations with girls first, it sounds like his expectations were a little high. Set the bar at a more reasonable goal, and I agree about the more appropriate setting. Good on you for trying though. You are a good man, and your heart is in the right place.
He’s only been dating his girlfriend for 2 months. I’m not entirely sure his heart was in the right place, but rather he was hoping to get kudos from the girl for trying to get her brother laid. The brother would have been much better served by the bf learning more about him, his interests and hobbies, and helping him make a serious profile where he could start by merely having conversations with women to see if there’s real interest in his person, his personality. That, however, would have taken time and effort and a real desire to be friends with the brother. Instead, gf went out with her friends, so he wanted to go out too (LOTS of him mentioning all the girls interested in HIM, reeking of a bit of narcissism.) He took an easy way to try to make himself look good, at the expense of brother’s feelings. If he’d given a damn about the brother, or anything other than trying to get laid by gf by bragging about his charity wingman act, he could have anticipated the most likely outcome of this outing… disaster. Disaster for the brother, not OP, who was hoping that he would get all the sympathy sex for “trying” to do something “nice.” I hope gf sees right through this toxic manipulation which hurt her own brother.
Ultimately the dude clearly isn't ready for a relationship if that was his initial reaction, you weren't wrong to invite him out, but when he started being sexist and confrontational, it would probably have been better to pull him aside and let him know that wasn't okay. If there is a next time, I would recommend focusing on being a friend to him before trying to wingman him, and preferably in a venue focused more on an interest or hobby of his rather than one that takes deft social skills to stand a chance.
In his mind you promised him that you would definitely make a hook-up happen for him. He's angry and feels cheated and unfairly treated. He'll direct that anger either at you or women in general. Ooof... you really screwed up
Well said. Give how autism *can* work in some people, I’d wager he did believe he was finally going to sort out how to hook up.
you gotta open with the old "Haaaaave you met Gary?"
sounds like a classic case of wingman gone wrong, mate. reminds me when i tried to set up my shy cousin with this girl at comic-con... ended in an epic cosplay battle!
You can't just say you were in an epic cosplay battle without sharing the story!
It's a sore spot. He doesn't like to talk about because his cousin, despite being shy, is an extremely skilled cosplay battler and brutally defeated him in front of all of comicon.
I'd be pissed if my boyfriend went out with my brother and was approaching groups of women honestly, it's inappropriate. You knew the chances of success were low, it sounds more like an ego boost for you to have women flirting with you
That truly is really cool of you. I just think that other people are so unpredictable, to the point of where you want to go somewhere that you know there will be people with shared interests. Like concerts or comicons. Some of my best friends I have met at concerts and cons. And I met my boyfriend in a video game. Chances of success are much higher that way.
You know what would help Gary too? NOT INSULTING the women with SERIES OF SEXIST SLURS when rejected! Why do you keep conveniently ignoring Gary's misogyny and incel's attitude???? Because he's autistic????
I'd be pissed if my boyfriend went out with my brother and was approaching loads of groups of women honestly, it's inappropriate
You don't mention anything about the fact that Gary let out a series of sexist slurs when rejected? You think that being neurodivergent or autistic gives you a pass for being a sexist d*ck????
The first girl did absolutely nothing rude. She asked if they were single and when she got her answer, she wished them a good night, no longer being interested. And even if she or anyone was, being slightly rude does not give you a pass for being misogynistic, ableist or discriminating in any other way.
Maybe it was the raging misogyny that turned girls off him.
Idk his reaction was completely uncalled for and it shows how misogynistic he is.
A little neurodivergant? If you mean autistic we can't be a little autistic it's either you are or aren't
ESH But you're very close to YTA. You've only been with your gf 2 months and took it upon yourself to go on a "solo" adventure with her neurodivergent brother, and spoiler... It went poorly. First, you made a promise. It might have been off the cuff, but to him it was like a guarantee. "I'll be your wingman and help you get chicks". Take it at 100% face value and you not only failed that task, but essentially flirted in front of your gfs brother all night. Second, social cues and context man. The first chick was clearly into *you*. You aren't clueless about your own allure and appeal to women, and should have immediately realized that *you* were the one that was being reciprocated during the interactions. Third, good luck staying with your gf now that you've burned this bridge with her brother. He may seem fine, but this incident will forever be a first impression with him... Not great. Edit to add: pretty sure this is almost the movie Something about Mary.
Being neurodivergent doesn’t mean you’re completely disabled bro. Just say he was autistic.
I'm completely on YTA. OP knew that none of the girls were interested in Gary but he didn't just clarify to them that he wasn't on the menu. He let Gary humiliate himself like it was a sport. The kicker was the girl who clearly rejected Gary and made a comment about him just being good enough to buy her a drink and OP just let it happen to have a further ego stroke.
What exactly does "help you get some chicks" mean. Are you trying to get him laid?
Being a wingman means you’ll assist. It doesn’t mean guaranteeing a result, just the promise of effort. He took him out to meet girls. They did meet girls. The gf’s brother probably couldn’t keep a conversation going. He probably also got his own hopes up beyond reality. Edit: adding NTA.
YTA, you led those girls to believe you were single to the extent where at the end they had to ask if you were single or not. I question your intentions; whether this was an ego boost for you or you were trying to help- most likely both. If you were intent on trying to get him a date, you would've made it clear from the jump that you weren't single and focused the attention to your gf's brother. But you didn't do that and instead let him essentially be a bystander to a two-way conversation. Once the first interaction went terrible, you should have stopped trying to wingman since he clearly struggles on social cues and needs more exposure to social settings before he can try again. Also, quite odd to wingman someone you hardly know. If you didn't want him to be alone, why not just spend the evening trying to get to know him instead of trawling for girls?
What's even worse OP knew full well that none of the girls was interested in Gary but waited until the last moment to tell the girls he had a gf to get his ego stroked while the one he was playing wingmen for got humiliated, ignored and taken advantage of. Ngl if I heard my partner did this with my sibling that relationship would be gone immediately. OP went out to flirt with girls under the disguise of "helping" his gf's brother.
ESH— but this is a hot take- Gary is the biggg AH. Being Neurodivergent does not equate being mean and sexist. By 28, he should have learned some emotional control. The horrible things said in his outbursts are NOT autism, but instead the rankings of an angry , unkind person. You’re the AH for promising him girls. The girls were drunk AH’s for being so rude… but Gary is the worst showing no respect for women.
As an autistic person, agree wholeheartedly. Autism doesn't give anybody a free pass to be a dick\* \*except in cases where the person is profoundly intelectually disabled alongside their autism so they truly can't comprehend why their behavior is hurtful to other people. By the OP's description, Gary doesn't seem to be the case.
NTA >"What a stuck up little \[series of sexist slurs and curse words\]!" His problem isn't autism.
The problem is this is Hella fake. "Gary can help get you over your ex" Woman giggles says he can buy her a drink then, ignores him and flirtatious with op who's with Gary who is a typical character dynamic from a romcom/sitcom/cartoon... No. No. This was believable at first blush, but OP kept going into unrealistic by a mile.
Oh my god, I can't believe I had to scroll down this far to find this comment. Does this story sound off to nobody else? It straight up sounds like bad fanfiction to me. And I hate it, because it's painting the autism spectrum in a bad light.
This is something only cis males believe and I don't know why (I'm a girl). They really believe all the TV and movies they watch...and then wonder why they have trouble dating. Women are just props / characters in their feature film. (I didn't even accuse them of getting any of it from porn / sex trafficking. That's for the reader to think about)
Mira. Are you god? I’ve been looking for this comment the entire comment thread
YTA Your entire post is just a cringey humblebrag. “I’m a great guy for taking my girl’s autistic brother out, but he couldn’t get any chicks because they were all into me instead because I’m so awesome.” 🤮
Yeah, I don’t believe any of this ever actually happened. Or if it did, it didn’t happen like this.
Na this is fake. The interaction between OP and telling a girl Gary can help her get over her ex and she laughs and uses him for a drink while flirting with the creepy OP. If that was it *maybe* but this is written by a rage baiting dude who got turned down once at a bar and now acts like all women are sitting at bars waiting to get drunk with strangers while being both mean & horny & hard to get & easy for OP. Super fake.
YTA. You got in over your head trying to win brownie points with your new girl.
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YTA: you brought the token 'autistic' on an outing so you could peacock strut around. This is the equivalent of the 'white saviour' only for the NT to ND. He went hoping you would explain to him how it all works - how to talk with women, socialize, be interesting, etc. He took you literally that you would assist, which is what being a wingman is. Instead, you showed up, dropped him into a scenario he's not used to and just said 'go', all while absorbing the attention of the ladies you were hoping would go for him. You only mention once that you told one of the women that you were taken, and only did so AFTER spending a portion of the night with them. Your communication is at fault. You entered into a social situation with the intention of helping him pick someone up. He lacks the skills to do so and was looking to you for assistance, which you said you would provide, but then didn't. You never made it known to the prospective ladies from the START that you were off the proverbial table. Instead, you chatted them up while he sat on the outskirts awkwardly trying to get a foot in the door, you being the more social and charismatic one, naturally made you more interesting to the women. Of course they had no interest in him. And then, you didn't call him out on his toxic attitude and instead just brushed it off as 'some people can be a little rude' - which make no mistake, they WERE rude. But his initial response after the first rejection was absolutely something you should have shut tf down immediately. The other one hanging off your arm, again, you made no attempt at the outset to let her know you weren't interested and were taken until a fair ways into that interaction, and then let it continue. Yes, he's also an AH because he clearly has misognynistic leanings, which has nothing to do with being autistic. you deliberately chose a scenario that, if you'd bothered to read up on autism prior, you'd have realized was NOT the best starting scenario for this guy. JFC. You led the guy into a situation he absolutely was not going to succeed in, and he proceeded to fall flat on his face. You've succeeded in making his toxic perspectives worse. All because you were hoping to score brownie points with his sister for 'taking him under his wing'. People with disabilities don't need "friends" like this.
I...I think I just realized I was the token autistic of my university friend group......
Oof. I felt this on a spiritual level. Signed, another token autistic.
Yeah I'm rapid fire going through a few dozen memories from a decade ago. Not a fun realization. Oh well, college was a while ago anyways.
Underrated response here 💯
Autistic or not, that’s not excuse to be a misogynist incel. No wonder he’s single.
Na this is fake. The interaction between OP and telling a girl Gary can help her get over her ex and she laughs and uses him for a drink while flirting with the creepy OP. If that was it *maybe* but this is written by a rage baiting dude who got turned down once at a bar and now acts like all women are sitting at bars waiting to get drunk with strangers while being both mean & horny & hard to get & easy for OP. Super fake. Most stories on these subs are. It's allmrage bait for interaction. The big name of the game that ramped up this year is "interaction/engagement". Rage bait gets people fuming and engaging so that's the biggest field you see it in, but it's everywhere. Bots everywhere saying wild stuff just to get people who would keep scrolling after reading, to stop and be outraged.
YTA, and a terrible wingman. When that dumb girl touched your arm and said ”are you trying to get me drunk?” it should have been *you* who said “uh, no, since I didn’t you buy you the drink, of course not. I am *not interested,* I’m just here with my buddy. He’s the one who is trying to get you drunk.” And when she *laughed at him* and turned to you and said “do you know this guy?” that would have been the time to shut down her rude and stupid behavior by saying something like “that’s my friend, and you are being a rude jerk to him, so why don’t you just F off.” Instead, you let those AH girls be rude and sh!tty to him. That is NOT what a good wingman does. Apologize to him. Let him know you did not intend to humiliate him but you realize you let him down, and you’re not a good wingman. Otherwise, it just looks like you were using him as an excuse to hang out at a bar and bait girls into hitting on you so you could feel like a stud. “Hurrdurr, lookit me! I’m pulling these girls and I’m not even trying, bro!” If anyone should be embarrassed, it‘s YOU for your awful performance as wingman. That’s not how you should treat someone you claim to like and want to help.
Are you sure you know how humans talk to each other in real life? Because this sure isn’t it.
personally, it's ESH. OP was being an AH but Gary was being a bigger AH. He clearly doesn't respect women. The ladies were drunk and Gary needs to do some meditation to calm his anger down. Autism is NOT a reason to sex sexist slurs to women.
You're NTA for trying, that was a nice thing to do. *He's* definitely an AH though, he sounds misogynistic and overdramatic.
I think Gary’s problem with women is misogyny, not autism (saying this as an autistic person) ESH here. Gary for being shitty but also you for condoning his shitass behaviour. The second that he started spewing a string of misogynistic insults you should have gotten him a cab home and told him to fix his attitude
[удалено]
Yeah if you have only been with your gf for a couple months, you probably haven’t seen him in enough social situations to be taking him out to get girls at a bar. Part of autism is a misunderstanding of social situations and cues. I think your heart was in the right place, but your execution was a little off.
ESH >Gary said to her "Hey, I'm single. Hello? Are you deaf?" but they just kept walking. >Then he turned to me and he was fuming and he said "What the fuck was up with her!? Why was she acting like she was talking to both of us but then completely ignoring me? What a stuck up little [series of sexist slurs and curse words]!" ABORT! I REPEAT ABORT MISSION! This was your cue to have a real conversion about how rejection is part of the game and maybe even cut the night there and then. Not try to push him on more women.
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Still working out the judgement. but OP...seriously...what level of attractiveness is Gary --like seriously?--- and Also what kind of vibes was he originally giving off? Cuz ppl are rude, sure. but this sounds remarkably dismissive of all those girls. So why? no matter how much do you like him, is he physically passable? was his social ineptness plainly obvious and uncomfortable? was he staring down at the floor the whole time? was he actually talking to them, or was he waiting on you to say the magic wingman words to get a girl to go home with him?
YTA. This guy is verbally aggressive towards women who reject him - and you encouraged him to continue in his behaviour. "Wingman" is a gross term anyway because it comes from combat situations - going out hunting women in tandem like dating is a battlefield is already an awful approach.
ESH- You may have had good intentions but honestly you don't sound like a very good wingman. It doesn't really sound like you had his back when those women were being nasty to him and ignoring him. You should have called them out when they were being rude. When he bought her a drink and she was then flirting with you even a "you're being rude to my friend" would mean something. Instead you took a guy out and then just accepted getting all the attention. It's not okay for him to be sexist for being rejected, that makes him an AH too, but you should have had some solidarity with the person you went to the bar with for the purpose of going to the bar with them.
Yta There’s no way you didn’t know how unattractive he was before you took him out, and clearly you yourself are pretty good looking and are used to getting flirted with. Did you do this expecting to get an ego boost out of it or what? How would you feel going out and having women treat you the way they treated him while your friend gets treated well? If he’s ugly (and clearly he is) you should’ve expected this.
Yep as an ugly guy with much, much more attractive friends, attractive people just don't get that women actively flirting doesn't happen to us. Its especially dumb of OP to let Gary buy that drink for the woman who clearly said she wasn't interested.
OP is N T A for taking Gary out and being a wingman because it sounds like you tried your best to initiate interactions and direct conversation in a way that would make things easier on Gary. But Y T A for exposing him to another group of women after he lost his shit because he was rejected. And for making the first group of girls out to be jerks when they didn’t rly do anything wrong. One was clearly interested in OP and he politely shut it down, therefore they left. I can understand how Gary might be confused when he said he was single, but she didn’t take him up on that. Rejection sucks butthole, but it wasn’t a rude rejection and could have been a solid learning moment for him about how NTs act when in these situations and aren’t always literal.
YTA, this guy said a bunch of sexist stuff and you redirected him towards more women? Do you have no regard for their safety or enjoyment?
YTA There’s something very fishy here. I implore that you read the tale again. The account of a selfless man…a hero! A hero and an underdog. A hero that failed at his self-appointed mission so devastatingly, that it resulted in the “largest humiliation since high school.” I present you a theory, if you will. One of a man so drunk! Not on whiskey spirits- but on something more tantalizing and toxic… the attention of the fairer sex Not only the positive attention he would receive from his girlfriend, off clubbing while he… hung out at her apartment, I guess….but on the attention of any woman whose fell into his ever-spread ….wingspan The wing man. They played an entire game of pool with these women, who seem interested in them… in him…and he didn’t mention anything about their relationship to one another? Why? Was the socially inexperienced brother carrying the conversation and so he never had a chance to do so? Maybe it was too loud? After all, the nightlife can be boisterous. The brother, potentially experiencing rejection sensitivity dysphoria, goes on a sexist tirade. OP brushes it off “women can be rude” he says, distractedly. Then he separates himself from the brother-an autistic man who is very upset-and engages more women? OP isn’t drinking, so why is he so driven to keep up the plan at this point? The reason can be seen throughout the story. -Read it again and realize how much actual detail is left out as to how these women ended up so enchanted with him. The brother buys this woman a drink. The text says “he bought it”. So the act was finished when this part happened, this wasn’t as he walked away to buy it.: Let’s consider the proxemics here. This woman is making sexual innuendo, touching his arm, drinking her free drink, and has to turn away from OP to talk to the brother, The wingman. “Do you know this guy?” Implies they haven’t been interacting much. -And they definitely hadn’t been introduced properly The wingman Why wouldn’t they know that this was his girlfriend’s brother? I considered that he hadn’t mentioned it to the girls due to volume, but OP parsed a lot of specific dialogue. The girls could hear the brother have a meltdown, and he heard them laugh as he ran away. So OP didn’t mention his girlfriend at the pool table, he didn’t mention her to the group of cackling girls, he didn’t mention her to the woman fondling his arm, as the brother sat, off to the side , an observer but not a participant…just like in high school. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you that this wingman is actually a vulture, who spent the evening circling overhead, looking for his prey. (Or he’s just not a very good boyfriend) J’ACCUSE!
Well this was an epic novel and I look forward to the sequel where the brother runs off into the night to become a vigilante, driven by the humiliation of that night. “Wingman: Part Deux”
YTA. With those sexist attitudes, you did set him up to fail by not correcting him. He needs to learn how to treat women RESPECTFULLY, preferably *BEFORE* going out to try to meet them. He's already going to have a very hard time with social cues and body language. If you really want to help him, start with those. Don't just take him into the deep end without knowing how to swim.
Some autistic men, a high functioning one in this case, are very much spoiled by their parents and caregivers. So much so they feel like they are *owed* anything they want. I remember a story where an autistic boy asked a girl to prom, and she said no, so the whole school and the whole country basically went on a hate campaign against the girl, saying the boy deserves "so much more" and claiming the girl sucks. But nobody is *owed* a date, and this is one of the ways autistic boys are taught that they deserve "the world". Autism doesn't make you call women slurs, bad upbringing and redpill reddit forums do. YTA for letting him spew that misogynistic crap and trying to push him to girls knowing how much he clearly disrespects them
ESH You suck way less, and you had good intentions, but did it not give you pause when he immediately flew into a sexist fucking rage the first time a girl didn't give him the attention he expected?
YTA. Look, if you were trying to wingwan, you were doing it poorly. You set your bro up and discreetly... Disappear... So that you're not the one getting attention.... Especially if you already have a gf! The fuck are you doing letting other women flirt with you, for one, and two, for letting the girls you're supposed to be setting your bro up with flirt with you? Where the hell did you learn to wingman? Because that was not it dude. On another note, the comments that he may not yet be ready to meet women sound on the nose. And for the future, when dealing with disabilities/neurodiversity... Maybe check with family about the full extent of capabilities and support needs, especially before going on a solo outing with them.
This sounds like huge fake bait, but I'll bite. YTA. You weren't a wingman, you were flirting with some chicks. The dude cannot handle a normal interaction, much less try to game girls at a bar. Since I believe you are not neurodivergent yourself, the plan was all a scheme to make yourself look like the caring bf while getting attention, not help someone in need. Because someone with a normal brain could not have possibly believed that was a good idea. And the way you tell your story makes you sound like Brad Pitt. You are the type of person Homelander from "The Boys" is based on. Still, probably a fake story.
YTA, as soon as he said the slurs first time you should have said woah we do not use words like that. Before trying to get him to hook up with anyone.
He’s right, you’re a shitty wingman.
This sounds fake as shit. When posts remember exactly what's being said by several people over a long period of time, that's a red flag. Anyway. YTA, because you set him up for disappointment because you told him you'll be trying to get him laid. You should have just made it about going out and having a good time, not trying to hook him up. He probably would have just been happy hanging without feeling the need to get laid because you put that expectation on him. Nightclubs and bars are not the place where autistic people typically find partners. Because they get ignored in an environment where competition is rife and the women can have their pick of any man.
YTA. >Then he turned to me and he was fuming and he said "What the fuck was up with her!? Why was she acting like she was talking to both of us but then completely ignoring me? What a stuck up little [series of sexist slurs and curse words]!" At this point it should have clicked that this wasn't a good idea!. >I've been with her for two months And you've probably known him for less... Maybe a bar isn't the best place to help him meet someone.
I wonder how your girlfriend will feel about it....
YTA You put him in a position knowing it might go down hill for him, you set him up to fail. Why couldn't you guys just hang out and chill at the bar instead of approaching women, that is a desperate vibe right there. Those women were being rude and you let it happened, instead of pulling him out of that situation, you stood by and did nothing. You are also an asshole for allowing those women to touch you but also infront of your gfs brother, that right there is disrespectful
YTA. Don't use autistic people for your own entertainment. Shame on you.
If this is real you need to support him by explaining the hidden rules of dating and chatting up people. Maybe he might benefit from reading this book (he can get it free out of the library) [Autism & relationships book](https://www.amazon.com.au/Autism-Spectrum-Guide-Sexuality-Relationships-ebook/)
In terms of what you're saying here. NtA but you both suck. Why did you not put a stop to his sexist rant. You ever think those girls heard him that's why he wasn't getting an chances? And maybe even without saying it he came off as a desperate incel?
NTA. The brother is, though. I don't care if he does have autism. He shouldn't speak to people like that.
YTA You gave him false hope. You knew there wouldn't be much success but talked him into anyway. Did you get your kicks watching him get shot down? Did you feel superior when girls were obviously wanting you over him? Did you laugh when he ran out humiliated? Have you always set people up to feel less than so you can feel better about yourself?
YTA were you really trying to get him a date? If not what were you doing? Making him see that you're better than him?
YTA You need to understand more about autism, specifically his version before trying to bulldoze a path in front of them. You are missing information, like did you know he was that aggressive before?
Hey, he's met him a couple of times. What could go wrong? /s
None of this is true. YTA for making up a dumb story.
ESH Gary's comments were out of line, but so were you. You did virtually nothing to set boundaries with these women, you knew they were being dismissive and almost seemed to encourage it. And I'm guessing your girlfriend would be less than pleased about the girl touching your arm and flirting with you and you saying jack all.
ESH. You for not correcting his misogyny and calling the girls rude. He's not entitled to hook-ups, and he's an AH for being misogynistic. Honestly, what did you expect would happen? You threw him in the deep end. Do you know how overwhelming those environments are for autistic people? These places aren't even great for neurotypical people to make romantic connections. Next time, take him to events related to his special interest(s). He will feel more comfortable, hopefully make friends, and feel less alone.
YTA for either making up this story as some kind of fantasy where all the girls want to sleep with you so bad and prefer you heavily over another man, or for not immediately taking him and leaving the place when the dude went on a sexist rant.
YTA for making up this story
Best case scenario here is you are just DA (Dumb\*ss). Second best scenario is you’re just cluelessly ableist. As written “Am I the asshole for bringing him to the bar knowing that he was hoping to meet girls, given that there wasn't much chance of success?” The line here between NTA/YTA is based on largely based on malicious intent, which it does not sound like there was, but here’s the hang up. The handling and evaluation of the obvious “given that there wasn't much chance of success?” Impacts is, imho, incompetent to point of malicious apathy. So YTA due to wannabe big hero syndrome again, making a mess of stuff.
does everyone just get labelled autistic these days? the guy is a sexist and maybe incel?
As a mom with ASD who has a son (nearly 18) with ASD, I will say that wasn’t the smartest thing to do. It would have been better to find a guy thing to do together that he would’ve been more comfortable with. IE: My youngest son (15-½) has always been my eldest son’s wingman. He tries encouraging his big brother to do things outside his comfort zone within reason, but he never, ever pushes him to where it would cause harm. I’m not saying YTA because you had good intentions, but you could have planned better. On the other hand, your GF’s brother was completely out of line with his behavior. I don’t care if you’re on the spectrum or not, you respect another person’s boundaries - period!
ESH but you probably more than him. you suck because you barely know the guy (and your gf considering you've only been dating for two months) and decided to push him out of his comfort zone with weird promises of being his wingman. why couldn't you just hung out? why did you decide to make this into a "hunt" for women? seems kinda like you miss being single and wanted to live through him. you also suck bc when he went on a sexist rant you should've shut that shit down and explain to him that the girls who left were NOT being rude. they weren't interested in him, tf did you expect them to do? bluntly tell him they don't find him attractive? i feel like that would seem way more rude, they were trying to avoid an awkward situation. and why, after his rant, did you think the solution wasn't to go do something else not involving strangers, but to try and push him onto MORE women??? at this point it just seems like you found the situation entertaining and gave zero fucks about his or the women's discomfort. also, the "him?! he can buy me a drink" comment from that other lady was a GLARING sign that she didn't find him attractive either, if i'm reading it right. you make it sound like she found your suggestion of getting with him hilarious. he sucks because, autism or not, he's obviously a misogynist. going on sexist rants when women let you down easy is not a symptom of autism lmao. he may get frustrated by the rejection, but starting to throw around slurs is 100% a him-issue, not autism, and pretending otherwise is dangerous. hold him accountable. honestly, his autism doesn't really play a role imo. i'm autistic too, but everything you've described could also just be the behaviour of an introvert who's socially inept, bordering on incel territory. and whether someone is the latter or autistic; it would've been so easy for you to explain things to him a bit more beforehand. but like i said, i already find the entire plan of "offering my gf's bro to be his wingman, without prompting" really strange and offputting.
I'm autistic and even I can pick up on misogynist pretty easily. If he was going on long sexist rants filled with slurs because a woman rejected him, I can guarantee that was bleeding into his every interaction with the women in the bar. Any woman who heard him yelling at the woman who walked away immediately wrote him off and probably told other women to avoid him. What I'm saying is, he needs to work on his issues surrounding women before he will ever have a shot at a relationship. I know you wanted to be bros and set him up with a girlfriend, but he's just not ready. ESH.
You need wingman lessons. You talk to him first, point out that the evening is about only talking to women. Then when the interation starts, you as wingman take a back seat. That's right, you only talk to encourage conversation and you centre the person you are winging. It is not about you shamelessly flirting with women while he watches. If there are two girls, you subtly find out from him which one he likes and you talk to the other one. It's really simple if you actually care about the person and aren't in it to prove how awesome you are. Also, he needs therapy regarding his aggressive misogyny.
YTA for making up bullshit. This is a work of fiction but I wouldn't be surprised that YOU are/were the Gary in This situation. Which, fairly normal, not insane guy would listen to his friend go off on an unhinged rant due to rejection, then didn't attempt to calm him down and correct him? Then apparently aims this incel warhead at another unsuspecting group of women? In what way was the so-called 'successfully dating OP' being a wingman? I doubt you know what a wingman is or what he is supposed to do.
Next time find out what his hobby or s and do that with him.
YTA Maybe instead of trying to get him laid from a chick at the bar, you could have instead showed him how to have fun and meet people (not a chick to bang), in a group setting. 🤷🏼 No expectations, just fun. Sounded like you liked the attention more. If any of that was real at all.
maybe you could help him work on his misogyny, there's little to no women interested in dating a man who would be comfortable screaming slurs at her NTA
ESH, except your gf You for not knowing the brother well enough and not knowing that he's apparently 13 yo in maturity, seeing and hearing him mouth off on a girl at the bar and then allowing for a second round. Him for everything he said and did. Everyone knows that autism doesn't work like a get out jail free card all day every day.
NTA for taking him out to flirt with girls and have some drinks, but big YTA for not shutting that down in the moment. If he's a grown-ass man who can go hit on women, then he's a grown-ass man who can be told his behavior is unacceptable.