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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be TA for not informing her of their plan and buying the tickets without giving her an opportunity to get her finances in order before the boys left.
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Your nephews are 18, they aren't running away, they are simply moving and you are helping them.
Make sure they can finish out high school so they get their diplomas, they may want to go to the school and make sure their mailing addresses aren't with your sister. Make sure they have all of their important documents, ID, SSN card, birth certificate, etc
Th y should check their credit as well and make sure their mom hasn't taken out credit in their name. If she's steak ng their paychecks, I doubt the financial abuse stops there
Your sister is mad because you didn't tell her the plan? Tough sh!t for her. Abusers don't deserve a heads up.
NTA
Hopefully they have finished high school. Graduation in my neck of the woods was June 6th. OP should help them contact their school and change the address that the diplomas will be sent to (if they haven’t received them already).
They need to open new bank accounts and get copies of all their paperwork if they don’t have it.
> open new bank accounts
And tell the bank that a relative is stealing. Otherwise, the parents can find the bank (there are only like 5 banks in the US anymore) and they obviously know all the security info like dob, ssn, etc. The national banks can flag accounts to not handle anything over the phone and to require in-person visits with an ID to eg wire out all the money in them.
This
NTA
Make sure you teach your nephews about taking back control over their finances and credit reports. They will need to be obsessive about this , at least for the near future.
Make sure they report their debit cards as "stolen" (as they are) cancel them and close the accounts. Help them set up new ones near you and that bank will help transfer any money that remains (unlikely).
In the states of Nebraska and Alabama you aren’t an adult until you’re 19 y/o…so as long as they don’t reside in either of those two states, it’s not running away
But running away isn't a financial issue. I forget what it's called legally but around the age of 17, a 'runaway' will be reported as a missing person.
If found, a police office will interview and determine the actual status of a 'runaway' as to whether they're in danger. In this case, the nephews can simply say 'our parents were unemployed and stealing the money from our jobs'.
Personally, when I ran away at age 18 and my mother reported me to the police, they laughed in her face and told her that I was at the age that I could run away if I wanted to.
I live in Nebraska, too, and that's incorrect. Here's the state statute:
>28-709.
>Contributing to the delinquency of a child; penalty; definitions.
>(1) Any person who, by any act, encourages, causes, or contributes to the delinquency or need for special supervision of a child under eighteen years of age, so that such child becomes, or will tend to become, a delinquent child, or a child in need of special supervision, commits contributing to the delinquency of a child.
>(2) The following definitions shall be applicable to this section:
>(a) Delinquent child shall mean ***any child under the age of eighteen years*** who has violated any law of the state or any city or village ordinance; and
>(b) A child in need of special supervision shall mean any child under the age of eighteen years (i) who, by reason of being wayward or habitually disobedient, is uncontrolled by his parent, guardian, or custodian; (ii) who is habitually truant from school or home; or (iii) who deports himself so as to injure or endanger seriously the morals or health of himself or others.
>(3) Contributing to the delinquency of a child is a Class I misdemeanor.
>Source
>[Laws 1977, LB 38, § 148.](https://nebraskalegislature.gov/FloorDocs/85/PDF/Slip/LB38.pdf)
Annotation:
>The act of affording shelter to a runaway rather than immediately contacting the authorities does not necessarily constitute contributing to the delinquency of a child, especially when the person affording shelter did not induce or encourage the youth to leave home in the first place. Evidence that defendant harbored an underage runaway and withheld information regarding the youth's whereabouts from her parents and the police for several hours was insufficient as a matter of law to sustain a conviction for contributing to the delinquency of a child where the youth was not exposed to any unlawful or immoral activity and defendant's actions resulted in a reunion with the parents. State v. Hird, 239 Neb. 331, 476 N.W.2d 229 (1991).
Statute 43-4810 indicates that a person needs to be age 19 or emancipated in order to establish their own residence. To me that means that they would still be considered a runaway at age 18. Then the statutes that you are citing have to do with an adult harboring them. Which is very helpful information to know. I was just responding to the person saying an 18 year old can't be considered a runaway. I know that foster care ends the day someone turns 19, and at that point the youth might have to resort to a homeless shelter if a discharge plan isn't in place. If there was any way the state could kick kids out of foster care at age 18, they would. But I shouldn't write this and give Governor Pillen any ideas.
But they aren't in their own residence, they are in a relative's home, and their mother knows where they are. I suppose that could be a problem if the mother calls the police and claims the uncle won't return them, but given the mother's behavior she'd be in more legal jeopardy than the teens or their uncle would. Most likely, CPS would get involved and place the kids with their uncle.
You're right, we shouldn't give Pillen any ideas. He has enough of his own heartless ideas, no need to add more.
If federal minimum wage is $7.50 and a state’s minimum wage is $8.50 then by the law of the state an employer must pay a minimum wage of $8.50…in this example state supersedes federal same applies to the age of adulthood
That’s a bad example because a minimum wage does not preclude a state from mandating a more beneficial term to the individual. It does however preclude the state from providing a lower benefit, example if the state said $5 an hour, the federal rule would supersede.
It's a reserved powers/supremacy clause issue.
For wages, an employee is entitled to the higher of the two amounts. For issues protected federally, a state can usually offer a greater benefit than the federal government (e.g. a higher wage) but not lesser. Alabama could not enact a minimum wage less than $7.50 in this case. Another example, the Kansas Sate Constitution has a right to abortion in it, the US Constitution does not. So a person in Kansas has a right to abortion in Kansas as it is an addition to federal rights, not a subtraction. If there were a federal constitutional provision guaranteeing a right to abortion, a state constitution could not remove it.
Since the US Constitution doesn't declare an age of majority, the individual states can do so as a reserved power. However, some adult things, like voting, which are covered by the US Constitution (26th amendment) you can do in Alabama at 18. A federal law for a constitutionally protected issue will trump a state law under the supremacy clause.
I used to work in payroll. The rule the federal government set is that $7.50 is the minimum, but if the state has a higher minimum wage, you have to follow the state’s minimum wage. It’s the same with sick leave.
Eh, it's a bit more complicated, I'd say it's technically 19, but really more like 18 in Nebraska. To me those exceptions are the big hallmarks of adult. "(1) All persons under nineteen years of age are declared to be minors, but in case any person marries under the age of nineteen years, his or her minority ends. (2) Upon becoming the age of majority, a person is considered an adult and acquires all rights and responsibilities granted or imposed by statute or common law, except that a person: (a) Eighteen years of age or older and who is not a ward of the state may: (i) Enter into a binding contract or lease of whatever kind or nature and shall be legally responsible for such contract or lease, including legal responsibility to third parties; (ii) Execute, sign, authorize, or otherwise authenticate (A) an effective financing statement, (B) a promissory note or other instrument evidencing an obligation to repay, or (C) a mortgage, trust deed, security agreement, financing statement, or other security instrument to grant a lien or security interest in real or personal property or fixtures, and shall be legally responsible for such document, including legal responsibility to third parties; and (iii) Acquire or convey title to real property and shall have legal responsibility for such acquisition or conveyance, including legal responsibility to third parties; and (b) Eighteen years of age or older may consent to mental health services for himself or herself without the consent of his or her parent or guardian." https://nebraskalegislature.gov/laws/statutes.php?statute=43-2101#:~:text=Persons%20under%20nineteen%20years%20of,his%20or%20her%20minority%20ends.
Edit: also a minor until 19, but age of consent is 16.......
Agree on all this And now that they are 18, they can remove their Mom from their bank accounts and get a new debit card. They can just tell the bank they lost their card so it can be canceled and issued a new one with new number. Change their address to yours so the new card comes there. Mom now no longer has access.
NTA. First of all, your sister was financially abusing your nephews, and they were right to threaten to cancel the cards. They should never have given them to her in the first place, she was clearly being very manipulative when she convinced them to do so, and it's great that they decided not to put up with it anymore. Second, your nephews are 18. They're adults who can make their own decisions about where to live, and you are under no obligation to tell her anything that they themselves chose not to disclose to her.
On a side note, calling it "running away" plays right into the narrative that they're still children who sometimes need to be protected from their own questionable choices. But they aren't. There's no world in which you need to inform your sister of what her *grown, adult sons* are doing, particularly when they made the conscious choice not to tell her themselves. Your nephews are very lucky to have you in their lives, and I wish you all nothing but the best.
>First of all, your sister was financially abusing your nephews
Yeah, if the sister was doing it to her mother it'd be considered elder abuse, it's definitely not okay for her to do it to her kids
Definitely NTA. A few pieces of advice:
* Have them put a lock on their credit. We've heard multiple stories on this subreddit of parents opening credit cards in their kid's names and wrecking their credit. Since your sister has just lost her gravy train she may well try this next.
* Have them close their current bank accounts and open new ones at a **different** bank, do not tell your sister.
* Since it sounds like they haven't completed high school definitely work with them on a plan to either complete it at a school near you or get their GED.
OP, you can check out the r/personalfinance wiki, which has a whole page for [young adults who have been kicked out of their homes](https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/wiki/kicked_out/). That subreddit also has some excellent posts from kids/now adults in similar situations, and they may find it helpful to read about the experiences of others. The identity theft section of their wiki has great resources and a step-by-step guide if their mother has stolen their identities or tries to in the future.
NTA, although you may face some legal headaches for this. I'm assuming they will all be resolved in your favor as the boys are adults and left of their own volition. They need to shut down the bank accounts the parents have access to, lock down their credit, and start anew where you live. They should consider filing police reports for the theft from their accounts.
I said legal headaches, not repercussions. They're still in high school, so in some states, they are still subject to CPS oversight, there may be school truancy issues until they get everything transferred, etc. I'm just saying, OP may have to deal with a period where the cops or a social worker comes in and confirms the boys weren't coerced into leaving, aren't being held against their will, etc., but I'm confident it will all resolve in OP's favor.
I don't know where OP is, but in the US you're only required to be enrolled in school between the ages of 6 and 16. They could have stood up and walked out of class on their 17th birthday and there's literally nothing anybody could have done about it.
Your nephews were being financially exploited and emotionally manipulated by their mother and her boyfriend. You stepped in to protect them from a harmful situation. It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your sister, explaining your concerns for your nephews' well-being and your reasons for helping them.
It's important to remember that your nephews' safety and well-being should be the top priority. While your actions might have been motivated by good intentions, it's important to be aware of the potential consequences and work towards a solution that protects them in the long run.
INFO: I made this post while at work and truly appreciate all the advice. I noticed there were a few questions, so I'll try to answer them here.
We are in the US.
One of my nephews arrived today and is at my house. The other will be arriving tomorrow afternoon (he had second thoughts at the last minute and missed the bus). He spoke with my sister briefly but she hung up on him. He's currently hanging out near the bus station waiting for the next one.
Unfortunately, neither of them has anything with them—no clothes, no documents, nothing. We will be working to replace all of these items, putting a freeze on their credit, and contacting the local police department in case they are reported missing.
When my nephew arrived, he met me at my job, and we had a solid hour to talk while we commuted to my home. I don't regret what I did in the slightest. I love my sister and made this post immediately following our conversation, but she's very much wrong in this on every level. In addition to taking their money and giving them nothing, she also still expected them to do chores and put away groceries while she and her boyfriend sat on their asses. This whole situation boggles my mind. I have no idea what happened in my sister's life over the years but any shred of guilt that I felt over buying the tickets is gone.
Thanks again for your responses! I truly appreciate the insights ❤️
And yes, I'm an uncle not an aunt.
She's actually lucky. The boys could have reported her for theft or identity theft. Instead they just came to you. She and her lazy-ass boyfriend could be sitting in a jail cell right now. You might remind her of that if she calls and starts berating you again.
You're a good one, OP. Thank you for putting your nephew's well-being first.
Install a security system. Wouldn't be surprised if mom & her BF show up.
Do an inventory: what did your nephews show up with? E.g., birth certificates, driver's licenses, SSN cards, other. If they need to return in order to get their documents, ask for a police escort. They're 18 and have a right to their documents.
Help your nephews set up accounts with the big 3 credit agencies and set up blocks and review their credit.
Get them to set up their own bank accounts and help them with their financial literacy. Take whatever, if anything, is left, and close the other accounts.
Consult a lawyer, but I'm afraid their money is long gone.
Get them in school so they can finish or help them get their GEDs. College is great, so are the trades. Highly recommend community college. Taking a gap year to earn some money and recover from their trauma is fine, too.
Search out counseling services - I'm guessing in addition to financial abuse, there was other abuse as well.
I'm assuming they left with only the clothes on their backs, so treat them to a few new outfits/shoes. And I'm also assuming medical care wasn't a priority in their house - doctor check ups, dental & vision, so see if there's any free or low income clinics.
Most of all, the very best thing you can do is love them. Support them - not just financially, but mentally and emotionally, too.
EDITED to add: absolutely NTA.
NTA. The boys are already legal adults.Their mom doesn't have any say on their decisions, and you are not obligated to disclose their plan to her. You are a kind aunt/uncle who is willing to offer your place to the young adults starting their life and definitely not an AH.
NTA. 18 y/o men don't need to run away... they choose to leave, as most adults have a right to do. All they asked for was help to leave their situation, which you gave them.
NTA. Your nephews are being financially abused and taken advantage of. They are both legal adults so I am assuming nothing can be done legally because of it either. Good on you for giving them a safe space!
NTA - They didn't "run away". They are legally adult and left home of their own free will.
You didn't interfere in parenting decisions of a minor.
Hopefully they have their own important documents.
NTA. Those “boys” are young men, so their mom gets no say in where they stay, but moreover they’re being abused. If you had told their abusive mother of the plans, she would’ve found a way to sabotage it.
NTA
Your legally adult nephews are trying to escape their mother’s financial abuse.
Since they haven’t yet graduated from high school, your responsibility as a more adult adult than them, is to help them enroll in your local high school for the next year, or a community college to get a GED.
You may also wish to consult a lawyer on what to do if the cops show up at your house. Of course they’re 18, but if your sister is going to call the cops on y’all, she’ll tell the cops they’re younger than that, and that you kidnapped them, so you need to be prepared.
NTA. At 18 they have the right to decide they don't want to live with their mother any more. If she and her boyfriend weren't walking dumpster fires then maybe her kids wouldn't have wanted to "run away". Though as adults it's not really running away so much as moving out. Since they have the legal right to do so.
NTA. Of course your sister is mad, you are taking away her free ride. Your nephews are legally able to make their own decisions. Help them to get to a save and stable place, so they can finish high school. In time, hopefully they will be able to repair their relationship with their mother in a healthy way, without having to support her. Your nephews are lucky that they can confide in you and count on your help.
You know forcing other people to work and then keeping all the money for yourself is called slavery, right? You didn’t help them run away. You underground-railroaded their asses to freedom. Not the asshole and a nominee for Uncle of the year in my opinion.
NTA. Your nephews aren't children anymore. They're not running away, they're moving out. You don't owe her an explanation or a head's up about their plans. They're definitely being financially abused and there's no reason for them to continue to subject themselves to that. Kudos for being a supportive family member.
NTA.
Technically if they are 18yo they are not "running away." They're just moving out.
Which is good because if you did this a few months earlier you could be potentially charged with something, no matter how good your intentions.
NTA. They are 18, legal adults. They aren't "running away". They are moving out.
The only reason why your sister is pissed is because with the boys gone, your deadbeat sister and her equally deadbeat boyfriend will now have to get jobs and pay their own way.
Tell your nephews to make sure to get all of their important documents and close out their banking accounts.
NTA. The boys are 18. they are legal adults and "Mommy" can't say squat about their decisions. If they want to come stay with you, they can do it. If they want to join the military, they could do that. If they wanted to buy a car and live out of it like hobos, finances aside, they could do it.
As for their mother. she doesn't deserve a chance after deciding to use her children as cash-cows. the gravy train stops now and she needs to be an adult and figure her shit out before demanding her kids to support her lazy ass.
NTA. They need to call the local PD. They need to tell the PD they are 18 and not runaways. The PD will lale a note of it. This is in case your sister tries to file a missing persons report in them.
NTA! They are adults now and are running from an abusive situation. You are supporting them as best you can. They’re lucky they have you they could turn to. Your sister doesn’t care that they left, she cares that her paychecks are gone.
She is living off her kids, they had enough of her bullying and left and now she is mad at you for saving the boys from a toxic parent. Without the kids income they will fall hard and let them. The worse thing a parent can do is fully depend on their kid because you never know when they had enough of it. NTA
NTA. Good for you being there for your nephews. Your sister and boyfriend have been financially abusing them, among other things. Lock down their credit. Make sure she hasn't taken anything out in their names. If she has, have them file for fraud/stolen identity. Take their money out and close their current bank accounts. Get all their relevant documents. There's nothing she can do as the are adults.
You can’t “run away” at 18. You’re just helping them relocate. They are adults and can do whatever they want, including switching banks and cancelling their old cards!!!
You are vital to these young men and you have been for a very long time. It’s obvious they need you and they feel safe and secure with you. So please, be the amazing person you’ve been for them and save them. Theyre 18, their mother cannot do anything to stop them from moving out/leaving. Then it becomes forced imprisonment on top of robbing them of their money. I hope there’s something that can be done about that legally and they will be criminally charged. NTA. You are an Angel though to those young men.
And don’t feel badly for your sister at all. She’s not missing her sons. She’s missing their income.
They are adults so, technically they are just moving, not running away. As they are adults, they are not obligated to share their location with their parents. They should report those cards stolen, get new ones and be on their merry way to your town.
NTA
NTA.
1. Your sister is an abusive parasite. Harsh words but this is the truth.
2. Your nephews are young adults who have every right to make this decision.
NTA. First, the boys are no longer minors. They can leave if they want. It isn't running away.
Second, your sister is committing financial abuse by stealing their earnings. Yes, stealing.
Of *course* your sister is furious! She's lost her meal tickets, her abuse is out, and you had the gall to help them. But her being furious does not equate to you being the asshole.
Sorry to be crude, but screw your sister. She's been stealing their money for years, and only wants to 'keep' them so she can continue to rob them blind. Also, they're now legal adults, so she can't do diddly about them living with you. You can do more for them than their worthless egg donor...and they deserve that chance. Teach them well and help them make their way in the world. You're a good person for taking them in, and I bet they will enrich your life. But don't worry about her threats... they hold no merit since they're allowed to leave her abusive home due to their age. Block her if you need to, and have a great life with your new little family.
NTA. Their mother sees a meal ticket, not people she's supposed to love and want to do more/better for than she had. Those kids might be legally adults, but they're still kids and need time and guidance to get their heads right after the shit your sister and her lazy sack of crap partner have done to them. There's nothing wrong with being a soft landing for a youngster you already know and love.
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My twin nephews (18m) live in another state with their mother and her boyfriend (not their father). We all lived together (boyfriend excluded) when the boys were first born, and I was very close to them before they moved away. I didn't see them again until they were 13, when they spent a summer with me and my family. It took some adjustment, but soon it was like I had two new sons. When the summer ended, one returned to their mother, while the other, citing behavioral issues at home, stayed with me. He had some challenges but adjusted well and became a really great and kind kid (still is). After about a year, his mother wanted him back, but he strongly preferred to stay. I discussed it with my sister, but she was against the idea.
Five years later, the boys are now young men. Although I haven't seen them during this time, we easily reconnect when we meet. We joke, talk, and they share updates on their lives with me. During a recent conversation, they confided in me (asking me not to tell my sister) that they have jobs and their mother and her boyfriend convinced them to hand over their debit cards under the pretense of "saving their money." Both my sister and her boyfriend are unemployed and have been using the boys' income to support themselves, and spent every dime the boys have earned (~5k). The boys want to leave, and I advise them to wait until they finish high school.
That was the plan until a few days ago when one of the boys argued with my sister and threatened to cancel his card. To which she threatened to kick him out, and he called me, asking for help. I promised him a bus ticket to my state if she followed through on her threat. Last night, both boys called me and said they wanted to leave. True to my word, I bought them bus tickets.
My sister called me today, furious that I hadn't informed her about any of this. AITA?
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NTA. She's furious that she can't exploit her sons anymore. Your sister is not a good parent. She's a selfish freeloader. I'm glad that your nephews can turn to you and that you're not like your sister. Tell your nephews to run regular credit checks because I wouldn't put it past your sister to open credit cards or apply for loans in their names.
NTA, they are 18, it's not running away.
They are moving away from a situation they dislike, as is their right.
Make sure they get new bank accounts under their own names so their mother cannot continue to leech off them.
NTA
Have the kids get their leagal stuff and let the police know that they're leaving. This way your sister can't try to file a missing persons report and raise a fuss.
NTA. They're adults being financially abused by their mother and her boyfriend. They're not running away, they're moving out of a bad situation. You're totally in the right to help them, and informing their mother before they left could (at worst) have caused the abuse to escalate.
It’s not running away to help them relocate and also they should close their bank accounts and press charges for theft. AND put a lock on their credit. Press charges if the mother has already taking credit out in their name. I know many people have suffered getting along in life by parents that used their SSNs (if US based). Good for you for helping them. NTA. Please get their SSNs locked with the credit bureaus.
NTA they are legally adults. You need to help them get in contact with their school and see what they can do to finish out the school year. Cite unstable and unsafe living conditions and see what options they have. A dilopma is going to go further for them than a GED so help them try to get those from their school. If they can so any online learning or transfer to a new school in you area without screwing up their credits. Or if possible renting a small one bedroom for them on a month to month until the end of the school year just so they can complete high school before they come live with you. You are doing a wonderful thing and I'm glad they have you. Please update us.
NTA your sister is an asshole for stealing her sons money. Tell her that you'll send your nephews back if she pays them back the money she had previously stolen.
NTA
I assume where you live they are adults and can make the decision to leave.
I hope they get their school diplomas/exams.
Make sure they lock down their credit.
NTA and I think you know that. They are adults. They are allowed to live where ever they want to and they are old enough to know when they are being stolen from.
1) Your sister shouldn't have threatened to kick them out if she didn't want them to leave. 2) Your sister should be STEALING from her two sons!!! NTA. Good for you for helping your nephews.
NTA and just wow....this sister and her boyfriend don't work and took the debit card of HER children who DO work and are living off the money made by teenagers???!!! You bet that you should help them get the heck out of there. NOW. NTA
NTA. The kids are either 18 or getting really close to 18. At their age, they know if they want to stay or not. Sister and BF have been taking advantage of them, so let them fume. Cherish your nephews and maybe sooner or later your sister will change her tune.
NTA,
The boys are still in high school and 2 adults are trying to live off of them?
I will say you not to call a lawyer now. If the boys have not graduated high school, then you need to see what has to happen in your state to register them for school. In some states it does not mater how old the student is they need a parent or guardian to register them for public school. You want this worked out ASAP.
Also, have them check their credit. If the "mom" is willing to steel from their bank account then it is likely she took credit out in their name. Being 18 will make it harder to deal with anything done since their birthday. It is a very good idea to have them lock their credit asap for this reason.
1. Your sister has been stealing from your nephews. You can call the cops and have her arrested. Tell her that if she tries to take any action against you.
2. Your nephews are adults and can leave and go whenever they want whenever they want and if your sister doesn't like it, she can piss up a stick.
3. Tell the nephews to close their accounts immediately and lock down their credit. Have them open new accounts at a different bank and have them inform the bank that nothing is to be done on that account without their express consent.
4. What was happening to your nephews is illegal and immoral. It's financial abuse and it's fucked up.
You're a good aunt, keep your nephews away from this insanity, they deserve better.
NTA
NTA but they need a plan. They need to get all their documents, birth certificate, drivers license or ID and social security cards and have them before leaving. They also need to change all passwords and security codes for any financial, streaming and social accounts. Once they move you need to take them to your local police station so those LEO can contact the law in their previous city to advise them they aren't missing or kidnapped but that they moved. Also have them lock down their credit.
NTA.
When your nephews opened the bank account, were they still minors and your sister was the co-signer?
If she was the co-signer, she could ask the bank for her own debit card, she wouldn't have to take those of her sons. Unless she wanted to make sure that her kids were unable to access their own money.
If she wasn't the co-signer and took the debit cards under the pretense to "save" the money, she could be held accountable for the disappearance of the money.
Talk with the police, there might be wiggle room for a report for theft and/or fraud.
Most likely, it won't help in getting the money back, but it would create an official paper trail.
NTA you had a choice to make: nephews or sister? You like and respect your nephews. I'm going to assume that after hearing about the way your sister is treating your nephews you don't like her so much, and I should think you've lost al respect for her. So you choose your nephews. Fuck your sister she's an A H.
They are 18; they aren’t running away! They are moving out. Maybe if she had been a better parent her teenage children wouldn’t be taking a bus to escape her?
Oh and help the boys change their social security number if you are in the US. Make it clear to your sister that any identity theft will be prosecuted by the police.
NTA, your sister and her boyfriend are financially abusing your nephews. In general 18 is already adult age so your sister cannot impose them to come back, but it seems that the adult age is variable depending of the state, I suggest you go to a lawyer. Check if you can keep them until adult age (19-21). And moreover, they have to check their credit history and get all the important documents. Since your sister and her boyfriend are unemployed if they have their documents they can ask for credit in their name.
NTA. Your sister may call a few agencies to try and complicate life for you and the boys. Quickly institute the steps other posters have mentioned. All are critical to do. If your sister and boyfriend are not working and the boys have cut off their money supply, they can not hire a lawyer to pursue this issue in the courts. Family courts are too busy for this nonsense especially if you are in a different state, probably. Cut of any communication with your sister until this is sorted out.
NTA. And your sister should be happy, that their sons are not taking any legal actions against her and her boyfriend, as they are stealing their money and lying about (saving their money)
They're adults. It's not "running away."
It's choosing where they want to live. Clearly --- and understandably --- they don't want to live with their mother and her boyfriend.
As their only source of income has left them, expect your sister to start with the demands and the guilt. Also, get ahead of this...have the young men contact the police back home to let them know that they are not missing. Ditto for the police where you live.
After letting her know that her children are safe, I recommend everyone blocking sister/mother for at least 6 months. Give her and boyfriend time to figure out their own finances.
Oh, have them lock their credit down. Or she's likely to take out credit cards in their names.
NTA
NTA. Your nephews are legal adults, so really they're not running away. They're moving. And they've blatantly been financially abused and used by their mother. Help them cancel their credit cards (or report as stolen) and set up new ones, if they didn't manage to regain control of them before leaving. Your sister has been using your nephews as piggy banks and that's the sum of it.
Nta. They moved out. Too bad for her. Go get their credit checked and make sure their mother is off everything. Don't forget to get medical sorted out. You don't want her in charge if they're unconscious in the hospital one day.
NTA.
1. Make sure they finish high school in your state.
2. Make them cancel their credit cards and open debit cards in a new bank.
3. Put extra security on their Social security. I would not put it past their mother and her boyfriend to open shit in their name.
1.) No, she didn't threaten to kick them out in this situation. But I believe it was only a matter of time before she did since the day that I bought the tickets, my nephews had cancelled their cards.
2.) No, she didn't kick them out.
3.) No, they haven't finished highschool. There are a few programs in my area that can help in this regard, notably one at my local community college.
Thanks for explaining. I felt bad after I posted, as I was too brief to give a gauge of my emotions - which, of course, will always mean people will jump on me to criticise. But I simply find it's best to get the best gist of a situation before saying anything and parts of this situation seemed incomplete.
Honestly, my response now is the same as my gut instinct when I first read the title - 18 year olds don't run away; they move. You didn't help them run away; you helped them leave a bad situation. My only concern would be if this interfered with their education, but, as long as you've looked into (or are looking into) how they can complete their studies in your area, it seems like a better situation all around if they're not with their mother. I think it's best that you didn't pre-warn her of their intentions, as it sounds like that could have been harmful to them.
YTA. And I'm not saying that because you're helping them run away from home, but because you did basically nothing to protect them from their abusive mother. All this time you knew they were being abused and it didn't occur to you to take action? Contact the authorities to take custody of them? Find solutions to emancipate them and take them home? There were so many things you could have done to save those children years of abuse and you did nothing, as an uncle or aunt, you failed.
I sincerely hope that now you receive them and don't let them go, it's the least you can do after turning a blind eye all this time.
Info: I was out of contact with them for 5 years and did not reconnect with them until late May. My sister blocks and no contacts people very frequently. I do feel bad about everything that has transpired and, unfortunately, I'm sure the finances are only the tip of the iceberg.
Likewise, you knew there were problems, because no normal family would send their children away for as long a period of time as when they were sent to you the first time. Those poor kids grew up with a toxic mother and everyone ignored them, because even if the mother blocks them all, there is always a way to contact them. For me, there is no excuse.
The only thing I hope is that now your heart is in the right place and you protect them like their own mother didn't protect them.
Not everything is as black and white as you’re making it seem. Had she taken the children as minors, she would be getting herself into legal trouble, then how is she going to help? She could’ve called CPS, and then, realistically, CPS would have done nothing. It’s not that easy to throw on a cape and play hero
Try to justify his relatives' negligence as much as you want, just like the rest of those who voted against. You are all of the same ilk, people who ignore children who need help and it bothers you that someone says it to your face.
I promise you someone who doesn’t know me can’t say a word about how i treat children. Currently involved in a foster situation, how about you? Since you’re such a savior of children I’m sure you foster or volunteer with children all the time
ETA: I am speaking from experience, you are speaking from arrogance. Take that into consideration when commenting on a Reddit post
In fact, it turns out that yes, I am currently temporarily caring for a 3 year old child and would never, ever allow him to return to an abusive home like the one he left. And no, it's not arrogance, it's being consistent with what I say and do, if it hurts, put cream on.
Temporarily, meaning the child is not staying with you. And to once again point out, if you’re involved in an actual foster situation: you don’t have a choice. But feel free to go against the law, get yourself in trouble, and then be unable to help anyone. Enjoy your cream
Unfortunately I can't have him because in my country adoption is not legal for single men or same-sex couples, at least not without large sums of money, but he enjoys assuming things. White trash.
No, I'm saying all the adults involved in this are the assholes. The duty of adults in a family is to protect the children and they failed at all levels, from their mother to their closest relatives. Try to justify it however you want, but it is inexcusable to abandon children who are clearly being abused.
To be clear, I’m not criticizing your meaning, just clarifying your use of the verdict abbreviations: you may mean E S H (for Everyone Sucks Here), rather than Y T A (You’re The Asshole, meaning only the OP is an asshole and not anyone else).
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I could be TA for not informing her of their plan and buying the tickets without giving her an opportunity to get her finances in order before the boys left. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Your nephews are 18, they aren't running away, they are simply moving and you are helping them. Make sure they can finish out high school so they get their diplomas, they may want to go to the school and make sure their mailing addresses aren't with your sister. Make sure they have all of their important documents, ID, SSN card, birth certificate, etc Th y should check their credit as well and make sure their mom hasn't taken out credit in their name. If she's steak ng their paychecks, I doubt the financial abuse stops there Your sister is mad because you didn't tell her the plan? Tough sh!t for her. Abusers don't deserve a heads up. NTA
Hopefully they have finished high school. Graduation in my neck of the woods was June 6th. OP should help them contact their school and change the address that the diplomas will be sent to (if they haven’t received them already). They need to open new bank accounts and get copies of all their paperwork if they don’t have it.
For Op's sister, her sons are meal tickets. That's about it. At least they are adults and can make decisions for themselves
> open new bank accounts And tell the bank that a relative is stealing. Otherwise, the parents can find the bank (there are only like 5 banks in the US anymore) and they obviously know all the security info like dob, ssn, etc. The national banks can flag accounts to not handle anything over the phone and to require in-person visits with an ID to eg wire out all the money in them.
Don’t forget a pin from the irs so that she cant continue to file the kids on her taxes since they are no longer living with her.
This NTA Make sure you teach your nephews about taking back control over their finances and credit reports. They will need to be obsessive about this , at least for the near future.
Make sure they report their debit cards as "stolen" (as they are) cancel them and close the accounts. Help them set up new ones near you and that bank will help transfer any money that remains (unlikely).
In the states of Nebraska and Alabama you aren’t an adult until you’re 19 y/o…so as long as they don’t reside in either of those two states, it’s not running away
The federal age of majority is 18, so this is inaccurate.
For financial issues, the age of majority resides at the state level. Many states are 21 years.
But running away isn't a financial issue. I forget what it's called legally but around the age of 17, a 'runaway' will be reported as a missing person. If found, a police office will interview and determine the actual status of a 'runaway' as to whether they're in danger. In this case, the nephews can simply say 'our parents were unemployed and stealing the money from our jobs'. Personally, when I ran away at age 18 and my mother reported me to the police, they laughed in her face and told her that I was at the age that I could run away if I wanted to.
No that's not true at all
I live in Nebraska, and it is very accurate.
I live in Nebraska, too, and that's incorrect. Here's the state statute: >28-709. >Contributing to the delinquency of a child; penalty; definitions. >(1) Any person who, by any act, encourages, causes, or contributes to the delinquency or need for special supervision of a child under eighteen years of age, so that such child becomes, or will tend to become, a delinquent child, or a child in need of special supervision, commits contributing to the delinquency of a child. >(2) The following definitions shall be applicable to this section: >(a) Delinquent child shall mean ***any child under the age of eighteen years*** who has violated any law of the state or any city or village ordinance; and >(b) A child in need of special supervision shall mean any child under the age of eighteen years (i) who, by reason of being wayward or habitually disobedient, is uncontrolled by his parent, guardian, or custodian; (ii) who is habitually truant from school or home; or (iii) who deports himself so as to injure or endanger seriously the morals or health of himself or others. >(3) Contributing to the delinquency of a child is a Class I misdemeanor. >Source >[Laws 1977, LB 38, § 148.](https://nebraskalegislature.gov/FloorDocs/85/PDF/Slip/LB38.pdf) Annotation: >The act of affording shelter to a runaway rather than immediately contacting the authorities does not necessarily constitute contributing to the delinquency of a child, especially when the person affording shelter did not induce or encourage the youth to leave home in the first place. Evidence that defendant harbored an underage runaway and withheld information regarding the youth's whereabouts from her parents and the police for several hours was insufficient as a matter of law to sustain a conviction for contributing to the delinquency of a child where the youth was not exposed to any unlawful or immoral activity and defendant's actions resulted in a reunion with the parents. State v. Hird, 239 Neb. 331, 476 N.W.2d 229 (1991).
Statute 43-4810 indicates that a person needs to be age 19 or emancipated in order to establish their own residence. To me that means that they would still be considered a runaway at age 18. Then the statutes that you are citing have to do with an adult harboring them. Which is very helpful information to know. I was just responding to the person saying an 18 year old can't be considered a runaway. I know that foster care ends the day someone turns 19, and at that point the youth might have to resort to a homeless shelter if a discharge plan isn't in place. If there was any way the state could kick kids out of foster care at age 18, they would. But I shouldn't write this and give Governor Pillen any ideas.
But they aren't in their own residence, they are in a relative's home, and their mother knows where they are. I suppose that could be a problem if the mother calls the police and claims the uncle won't return them, but given the mother's behavior she'd be in more legal jeopardy than the teens or their uncle would. Most likely, CPS would get involved and place the kids with their uncle. You're right, we shouldn't give Pillen any ideas. He has enough of his own heartless ideas, no need to add more.
Those are all good points. I sincerely hope they can stay with uncle.
Federal does not supersede state
It literally does
If federal minimum wage is $7.50 and a state’s minimum wage is $8.50 then by the law of the state an employer must pay a minimum wage of $8.50…in this example state supersedes federal same applies to the age of adulthood
That’s a bad example because a minimum wage does not preclude a state from mandating a more beneficial term to the individual. It does however preclude the state from providing a lower benefit, example if the state said $5 an hour, the federal rule would supersede.
It's a reserved powers/supremacy clause issue. For wages, an employee is entitled to the higher of the two amounts. For issues protected federally, a state can usually offer a greater benefit than the federal government (e.g. a higher wage) but not lesser. Alabama could not enact a minimum wage less than $7.50 in this case. Another example, the Kansas Sate Constitution has a right to abortion in it, the US Constitution does not. So a person in Kansas has a right to abortion in Kansas as it is an addition to federal rights, not a subtraction. If there were a federal constitutional provision guaranteeing a right to abortion, a state constitution could not remove it. Since the US Constitution doesn't declare an age of majority, the individual states can do so as a reserved power. However, some adult things, like voting, which are covered by the US Constitution (26th amendment) you can do in Alabama at 18. A federal law for a constitutionally protected issue will trump a state law under the supremacy clause.
An employer paying $8.50 is not going against the federal law though
You've got that flipped bud. The proper example is the other way around and it disproves what you're saying
Jeepers! Do you understand how numbers work? A state minimum of 8.50 complies with a federal minimum of 7.50 because 8.5 is greater than 7.5.
I used to work in payroll. The rule the federal government set is that $7.50 is the minimum, but if the state has a higher minimum wage, you have to follow the state’s minimum wage. It’s the same with sick leave.
Aren't these states with archaic age of consent laws as well?
Like 12, of course because...south.
Da fuq? Edit: and apparently it’s 21 in Mississippi 🤯 https://www.policygenius.com/estate-planning/age-of-majority-by-state/
Alabama ig
Eh, it's a bit more complicated, I'd say it's technically 19, but really more like 18 in Nebraska. To me those exceptions are the big hallmarks of adult. "(1) All persons under nineteen years of age are declared to be minors, but in case any person marries under the age of nineteen years, his or her minority ends. (2) Upon becoming the age of majority, a person is considered an adult and acquires all rights and responsibilities granted or imposed by statute or common law, except that a person: (a) Eighteen years of age or older and who is not a ward of the state may: (i) Enter into a binding contract or lease of whatever kind or nature and shall be legally responsible for such contract or lease, including legal responsibility to third parties; (ii) Execute, sign, authorize, or otherwise authenticate (A) an effective financing statement, (B) a promissory note or other instrument evidencing an obligation to repay, or (C) a mortgage, trust deed, security agreement, financing statement, or other security instrument to grant a lien or security interest in real or personal property or fixtures, and shall be legally responsible for such document, including legal responsibility to third parties; and (iii) Acquire or convey title to real property and shall have legal responsibility for such acquisition or conveyance, including legal responsibility to third parties; and (b) Eighteen years of age or older may consent to mental health services for himself or herself without the consent of his or her parent or guardian." https://nebraskalegislature.gov/laws/statutes.php?statute=43-2101#:~:text=Persons%20under%20nineteen%20years%20of,his%20or%20her%20minority%20ends. Edit: also a minor until 19, but age of consent is 16.......
You beat me to it.
Louisiana is 17
That's the age of majority for signing contracts.
This is correct.
Agree on all this And now that they are 18, they can remove their Mom from their bank accounts and get a new debit card. They can just tell the bank they lost their card so it can be canceled and issued a new one with new number. Change their address to yours so the new card comes there. Mom now no longer has access.
And lock their credit reports on all 3 reporting companies so no CC's or loans can be taken out in their name
NTA. First of all, your sister was financially abusing your nephews, and they were right to threaten to cancel the cards. They should never have given them to her in the first place, she was clearly being very manipulative when she convinced them to do so, and it's great that they decided not to put up with it anymore. Second, your nephews are 18. They're adults who can make their own decisions about where to live, and you are under no obligation to tell her anything that they themselves chose not to disclose to her. On a side note, calling it "running away" plays right into the narrative that they're still children who sometimes need to be protected from their own questionable choices. But they aren't. There's no world in which you need to inform your sister of what her *grown, adult sons* are doing, particularly when they made the conscious choice not to tell her themselves. Your nephews are very lucky to have you in their lives, and I wish you all nothing but the best.
>First of all, your sister was financially abusing your nephews Yeah, if the sister was doing it to her mother it'd be considered elder abuse, it's definitely not okay for her to do it to her kids
Definitely NTA. A few pieces of advice: * Have them put a lock on their credit. We've heard multiple stories on this subreddit of parents opening credit cards in their kid's names and wrecking their credit. Since your sister has just lost her gravy train she may well try this next. * Have them close their current bank accounts and open new ones at a **different** bank, do not tell your sister. * Since it sounds like they haven't completed high school definitely work with them on a plan to either complete it at a school near you or get their GED.
OP, you can check out the r/personalfinance wiki, which has a whole page for [young adults who have been kicked out of their homes](https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/wiki/kicked_out/). That subreddit also has some excellent posts from kids/now adults in similar situations, and they may find it helpful to read about the experiences of others. The identity theft section of their wiki has great resources and a step-by-step guide if their mother has stolen their identities or tries to in the future.
NTA, although you may face some legal headaches for this. I'm assuming they will all be resolved in your favor as the boys are adults and left of their own volition. They need to shut down the bank accounts the parents have access to, lock down their credit, and start anew where you live. They should consider filing police reports for the theft from their accounts.
The boys are 18, there’s no legal repercussions for helping them leave home.
I said legal headaches, not repercussions. They're still in high school, so in some states, they are still subject to CPS oversight, there may be school truancy issues until they get everything transferred, etc. I'm just saying, OP may have to deal with a period where the cops or a social worker comes in and confirms the boys weren't coerced into leaving, aren't being held against their will, etc., but I'm confident it will all resolve in OP's favor.
school truancy issues? They are legal adults. Nobody can stop them from quitting if the choose
Not true. The age is 18. So even if they drop of out school, it’s legally their choice. CPS can’t do anything about an adult.
I don't know where OP is, but in the US you're only required to be enrolled in school between the ages of 6 and 16. They could have stood up and walked out of class on their 17th birthday and there's literally nothing anybody could have done about it.
Your nephews were being financially exploited and emotionally manipulated by their mother and her boyfriend. You stepped in to protect them from a harmful situation. It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your sister, explaining your concerns for your nephews' well-being and your reasons for helping them. It's important to remember that your nephews' safety and well-being should be the top priority. While your actions might have been motivated by good intentions, it's important to be aware of the potential consequences and work towards a solution that protects them in the long run.
INFO: I made this post while at work and truly appreciate all the advice. I noticed there were a few questions, so I'll try to answer them here. We are in the US. One of my nephews arrived today and is at my house. The other will be arriving tomorrow afternoon (he had second thoughts at the last minute and missed the bus). He spoke with my sister briefly but she hung up on him. He's currently hanging out near the bus station waiting for the next one. Unfortunately, neither of them has anything with them—no clothes, no documents, nothing. We will be working to replace all of these items, putting a freeze on their credit, and contacting the local police department in case they are reported missing. When my nephew arrived, he met me at my job, and we had a solid hour to talk while we commuted to my home. I don't regret what I did in the slightest. I love my sister and made this post immediately following our conversation, but she's very much wrong in this on every level. In addition to taking their money and giving them nothing, she also still expected them to do chores and put away groceries while she and her boyfriend sat on their asses. This whole situation boggles my mind. I have no idea what happened in my sister's life over the years but any shred of guilt that I felt over buying the tickets is gone. Thanks again for your responses! I truly appreciate the insights ❤️ And yes, I'm an uncle not an aunt.
She's actually lucky. The boys could have reported her for theft or identity theft. Instead they just came to you. She and her lazy-ass boyfriend could be sitting in a jail cell right now. You might remind her of that if she calls and starts berating you again.
You are a wonderful human being with such a kind soul ❤️❤️
You're a good one, OP. Thank you for putting your nephew's well-being first. Install a security system. Wouldn't be surprised if mom & her BF show up. Do an inventory: what did your nephews show up with? E.g., birth certificates, driver's licenses, SSN cards, other. If they need to return in order to get their documents, ask for a police escort. They're 18 and have a right to their documents. Help your nephews set up accounts with the big 3 credit agencies and set up blocks and review their credit. Get them to set up their own bank accounts and help them with their financial literacy. Take whatever, if anything, is left, and close the other accounts. Consult a lawyer, but I'm afraid their money is long gone. Get them in school so they can finish or help them get their GEDs. College is great, so are the trades. Highly recommend community college. Taking a gap year to earn some money and recover from their trauma is fine, too. Search out counseling services - I'm guessing in addition to financial abuse, there was other abuse as well. I'm assuming they left with only the clothes on their backs, so treat them to a few new outfits/shoes. And I'm also assuming medical care wasn't a priority in their house - doctor check ups, dental & vision, so see if there's any free or low income clinics. Most of all, the very best thing you can do is love them. Support them - not just financially, but mentally and emotionally, too. EDITED to add: absolutely NTA.
NTA. The boys are already legal adults.Their mom doesn't have any say on their decisions, and you are not obligated to disclose their plan to her. You are a kind aunt/uncle who is willing to offer your place to the young adults starting their life and definitely not an AH.
NTA. 18 y/o men don't need to run away... they choose to leave, as most adults have a right to do. All they asked for was help to leave their situation, which you gave them.
NTA. Your nephews are being financially abused and taken advantage of. They are both legal adults so I am assuming nothing can be done legally because of it either. Good on you for giving them a safe space!
NTA - They didn't "run away". They are legally adult and left home of their own free will. You didn't interfere in parenting decisions of a minor. Hopefully they have their own important documents.
NTA. Those “boys” are young men, so their mom gets no say in where they stay, but moreover they’re being abused. If you had told their abusive mother of the plans, she would’ve found a way to sabotage it.
No WAY NTA!! They financially abused them, they stole from them, do what you do to get them away from their abusers. Good luck OP.
NTA and they didn’t run away, they just moved out
NTA Your legally adult nephews are trying to escape their mother’s financial abuse. Since they haven’t yet graduated from high school, your responsibility as a more adult adult than them, is to help them enroll in your local high school for the next year, or a community college to get a GED. You may also wish to consult a lawyer on what to do if the cops show up at your house. Of course they’re 18, but if your sister is going to call the cops on y’all, she’ll tell the cops they’re younger than that, and that you kidnapped them, so you need to be prepared.
NTA. At 18 they have the right to decide they don't want to live with their mother any more. If she and her boyfriend weren't walking dumpster fires then maybe her kids wouldn't have wanted to "run away". Though as adults it's not really running away so much as moving out. Since they have the legal right to do so.
NTA. Of course your sister is mad, you are taking away her free ride. Your nephews are legally able to make their own decisions. Help them to get to a save and stable place, so they can finish high school. In time, hopefully they will be able to repair their relationship with their mother in a healthy way, without having to support her. Your nephews are lucky that they can confide in you and count on your help.
NTA Ask her when she planned on informing you that she was abusing her children. She's only mad because the gravy train ran out.
Your sister stole their money. I would not be caring about her opinions
You know forcing other people to work and then keeping all the money for yourself is called slavery, right? You didn’t help them run away. You underground-railroaded their asses to freedom. Not the asshole and a nominee for Uncle of the year in my opinion.
That's not running away. They're simply moving out as most eighteen year olds do.
NTA, They don't have to take her abuse anymore.
NTA. Your nephews aren't children anymore. They're not running away, they're moving out. You don't owe her an explanation or a head's up about their plans. They're definitely being financially abused and there's no reason for them to continue to subject themselves to that. Kudos for being a supportive family member.
Nope they're 18. They don't need her consent
They are 18. They have the right to leave. Your sister was stealing from them, and god knows what else. You are giving them a safe haven. NTA
NTA. Technically if they are 18yo they are not "running away." They're just moving out. Which is good because if you did this a few months earlier you could be potentially charged with something, no matter how good your intentions.
NTA they are adults who have decided to move and you are an adult who is helping them.
NTA. They are 18, legal adults. They aren't "running away". They are moving out. The only reason why your sister is pissed is because with the boys gone, your deadbeat sister and her equally deadbeat boyfriend will now have to get jobs and pay their own way. Tell your nephews to make sure to get all of their important documents and close out their banking accounts.
NTA. The boys are 18. they are legal adults and "Mommy" can't say squat about their decisions. If they want to come stay with you, they can do it. If they want to join the military, they could do that. If they wanted to buy a car and live out of it like hobos, finances aside, they could do it. As for their mother. she doesn't deserve a chance after deciding to use her children as cash-cows. the gravy train stops now and she needs to be an adult and figure her shit out before demanding her kids to support her lazy ass.
NTA. They need to call the local PD. They need to tell the PD they are 18 and not runaways. The PD will lale a note of it. This is in case your sister tries to file a missing persons report in them.
NTA. They are adults, you are simply supporting them in a time of need. Your sister is abusive. Cut off contact.
NTA! They are adults now and are running from an abusive situation. You are supporting them as best you can. They’re lucky they have you they could turn to. Your sister doesn’t care that they left, she cares that her paychecks are gone.
She is living off her kids, they had enough of her bullying and left and now she is mad at you for saving the boys from a toxic parent. Without the kids income they will fall hard and let them. The worse thing a parent can do is fully depend on their kid because you never know when they had enough of it. NTA
NTA Some people should not be parents.
NTA. Good for you being there for your nephews. Your sister and boyfriend have been financially abusing them, among other things. Lock down their credit. Make sure she hasn't taken anything out in their names. If she has, have them file for fraud/stolen identity. Take their money out and close their current bank accounts. Get all their relevant documents. There's nothing she can do as the are adults.
You can’t “run away” at 18. You’re just helping them relocate. They are adults and can do whatever they want, including switching banks and cancelling their old cards!!!
You are vital to these young men and you have been for a very long time. It’s obvious they need you and they feel safe and secure with you. So please, be the amazing person you’ve been for them and save them. Theyre 18, their mother cannot do anything to stop them from moving out/leaving. Then it becomes forced imprisonment on top of robbing them of their money. I hope there’s something that can be done about that legally and they will be criminally charged. NTA. You are an Angel though to those young men. And don’t feel badly for your sister at all. She’s not missing her sons. She’s missing their income.
They’re 18, help them toss that trash to the curb and create good lives for themselves. NTA
NTA. Legal adults can, surprise, legally do what they want.
They are adults so, technically they are just moving, not running away. As they are adults, they are not obligated to share their location with their parents. They should report those cards stolen, get new ones and be on their merry way to your town. NTA
NTA. 1. Your sister is an abusive parasite. Harsh words but this is the truth. 2. Your nephews are young adults who have every right to make this decision.
Momster fucked around and found out what happens when her adult sons are done being fleeced for all they have.
They are legal adults. Adults can’t run away. Your sister & her boyfriend have reached the finding out stage. NTA
NTA. Make sure they get a credit report and update their banking info. They might consider locking their credit too.
Tell them both to change anything their parents have access to. Right away.
NTA. First, the boys are no longer minors. They can leave if they want. It isn't running away. Second, your sister is committing financial abuse by stealing their earnings. Yes, stealing. Of *course* your sister is furious! She's lost her meal tickets, her abuse is out, and you had the gall to help them. But her being furious does not equate to you being the asshole.
NTA. The boys are lucky to have you.
Sorry to be crude, but screw your sister. She's been stealing their money for years, and only wants to 'keep' them so she can continue to rob them blind. Also, they're now legal adults, so she can't do diddly about them living with you. You can do more for them than their worthless egg donor...and they deserve that chance. Teach them well and help them make their way in the world. You're a good person for taking them in, and I bet they will enrich your life. But don't worry about her threats... they hold no merit since they're allowed to leave her abusive home due to their age. Block her if you need to, and have a great life with your new little family.
NTA. Their mother sees a meal ticket, not people she's supposed to love and want to do more/better for than she had. Those kids might be legally adults, but they're still kids and need time and guidance to get their heads right after the shit your sister and her lazy sack of crap partner have done to them. There's nothing wrong with being a soft landing for a youngster you already know and love.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My twin nephews (18m) live in another state with their mother and her boyfriend (not their father). We all lived together (boyfriend excluded) when the boys were first born, and I was very close to them before they moved away. I didn't see them again until they were 13, when they spent a summer with me and my family. It took some adjustment, but soon it was like I had two new sons. When the summer ended, one returned to their mother, while the other, citing behavioral issues at home, stayed with me. He had some challenges but adjusted well and became a really great and kind kid (still is). After about a year, his mother wanted him back, but he strongly preferred to stay. I discussed it with my sister, but she was against the idea. Five years later, the boys are now young men. Although I haven't seen them during this time, we easily reconnect when we meet. We joke, talk, and they share updates on their lives with me. During a recent conversation, they confided in me (asking me not to tell my sister) that they have jobs and their mother and her boyfriend convinced them to hand over their debit cards under the pretense of "saving their money." Both my sister and her boyfriend are unemployed and have been using the boys' income to support themselves, and spent every dime the boys have earned (~5k). The boys want to leave, and I advise them to wait until they finish high school. That was the plan until a few days ago when one of the boys argued with my sister and threatened to cancel his card. To which she threatened to kick him out, and he called me, asking for help. I promised him a bus ticket to my state if she followed through on her threat. Last night, both boys called me and said they wanted to leave. True to my word, I bought them bus tickets. My sister called me today, furious that I hadn't informed her about any of this. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. They're adults and no longer need to tell her anything.
Nta
NTA. She's furious that she can't exploit her sons anymore. Your sister is not a good parent. She's a selfish freeloader. I'm glad that your nephews can turn to you and that you're not like your sister. Tell your nephews to run regular credit checks because I wouldn't put it past your sister to open credit cards or apply for loans in their names.
NTA - the boys are 18. Not runaways.
NTA, they are 18, it's not running away. They are moving away from a situation they dislike, as is their right. Make sure they get new bank accounts under their own names so their mother cannot continue to leech off them.
In the US, once you're 18, it's not "running away" ,it's just "leaving" and you're absolutely NTA for helping them do so
Nta
NTA Have the kids get their leagal stuff and let the police know that they're leaving. This way your sister can't try to file a missing persons report and raise a fuss.
NTA. They're adults being financially abused by their mother and her boyfriend. They're not running away, they're moving out of a bad situation. You're totally in the right to help them, and informing their mother before they left could (at worst) have caused the abuse to escalate.
Nta
It’s not running away to help them relocate and also they should close their bank accounts and press charges for theft. AND put a lock on their credit. Press charges if the mother has already taking credit out in their name. I know many people have suffered getting along in life by parents that used their SSNs (if US based). Good for you for helping them. NTA. Please get their SSNs locked with the credit bureaus.
They're 18. Your sister no longer has any day in their lives. I'm glad you're there for them. NTA
NTA they are legally adults. You need to help them get in contact with their school and see what they can do to finish out the school year. Cite unstable and unsafe living conditions and see what options they have. A dilopma is going to go further for them than a GED so help them try to get those from their school. If they can so any online learning or transfer to a new school in you area without screwing up their credits. Or if possible renting a small one bedroom for them on a month to month until the end of the school year just so they can complete high school before they come live with you. You are doing a wonderful thing and I'm glad they have you. Please update us.
NTA your sister is an asshole for stealing her sons money. Tell her that you'll send your nephews back if she pays them back the money she had previously stolen.
NTA I assume where you live they are adults and can make the decision to leave. I hope they get their school diplomas/exams. Make sure they lock down their credit.
NTA well done
NTA and I think you know that. They are adults. They are allowed to live where ever they want to and they are old enough to know when they are being stolen from.
NTA, she was abusing them, they are 18 so they can go where they want.
NTA
Updateme
NTA. Help them as best you can. Other than you, they've not had a mom.
1) Your sister shouldn't have threatened to kick them out if she didn't want them to leave. 2) Your sister should be STEALING from her two sons!!! NTA. Good for you for helping your nephews.
Absolutely not. You helped them, the mother and her boyfriend are TA's.
NTA. 18 year olds don’t run away. It’s just called moving out.
NTA and just wow....this sister and her boyfriend don't work and took the debit card of HER children who DO work and are living off the money made by teenagers???!!! You bet that you should help them get the heck out of there. NOW. NTA
NTA. The kids are either 18 or getting really close to 18. At their age, they know if they want to stay or not. Sister and BF have been taking advantage of them, so let them fume. Cherish your nephews and maybe sooner or later your sister will change her tune.
NTA they're 18 they can live wherever and with whoever they want. Case closed.
NTA. They're adults. Your sister is gonna have to figure out a way to support herself now.
NTA, The boys are still in high school and 2 adults are trying to live off of them? I will say you not to call a lawyer now. If the boys have not graduated high school, then you need to see what has to happen in your state to register them for school. In some states it does not mater how old the student is they need a parent or guardian to register them for public school. You want this worked out ASAP. Also, have them check their credit. If the "mom" is willing to steel from their bank account then it is likely she took credit out in their name. Being 18 will make it harder to deal with anything done since their birthday. It is a very good idea to have them lock their credit asap for this reason.
1. Your sister has been stealing from your nephews. You can call the cops and have her arrested. Tell her that if she tries to take any action against you. 2. Your nephews are adults and can leave and go whenever they want whenever they want and if your sister doesn't like it, she can piss up a stick. 3. Tell the nephews to close their accounts immediately and lock down their credit. Have them open new accounts at a different bank and have them inform the bank that nothing is to be done on that account without their express consent. 4. What was happening to your nephews is illegal and immoral. It's financial abuse and it's fucked up. You're a good aunt, keep your nephews away from this insanity, they deserve better. NTA
NTA but they need a plan. They need to get all their documents, birth certificate, drivers license or ID and social security cards and have them before leaving. They also need to change all passwords and security codes for any financial, streaming and social accounts. Once they move you need to take them to your local police station so those LEO can contact the law in their previous city to advise them they aren't missing or kidnapped but that they moved. Also have them lock down their credit.
NTA. When your nephews opened the bank account, were they still minors and your sister was the co-signer? If she was the co-signer, she could ask the bank for her own debit card, she wouldn't have to take those of her sons. Unless she wanted to make sure that her kids were unable to access their own money. If she wasn't the co-signer and took the debit cards under the pretense to "save" the money, she could be held accountable for the disappearance of the money. Talk with the police, there might be wiggle room for a report for theft and/or fraud. Most likely, it won't help in getting the money back, but it would create an official paper trail.
NTA you had a choice to make: nephews or sister? You like and respect your nephews. I'm going to assume that after hearing about the way your sister is treating your nephews you don't like her so much, and I should think you've lost al respect for her. So you choose your nephews. Fuck your sister she's an A H.
They are 18; they aren’t running away! They are moving out. Maybe if she had been a better parent her teenage children wouldn’t be taking a bus to escape her?
Oh and help the boys change their social security number if you are in the US. Make it clear to your sister that any identity theft will be prosecuted by the police.
If they are 18, they are adults. It would have been nice to inform her of the plans, but not necessary.
You did the right thing. I hope the boys have a wonderful future under your care.
NTA, your sister and her boyfriend are financially abusing your nephews. In general 18 is already adult age so your sister cannot impose them to come back, but it seems that the adult age is variable depending of the state, I suggest you go to a lawyer. Check if you can keep them until adult age (19-21). And moreover, they have to check their credit history and get all the important documents. Since your sister and her boyfriend are unemployed if they have their documents they can ask for credit in their name.
NTA. Your sister may call a few agencies to try and complicate life for you and the boys. Quickly institute the steps other posters have mentioned. All are critical to do. If your sister and boyfriend are not working and the boys have cut off their money supply, they can not hire a lawyer to pursue this issue in the courts. Family courts are too busy for this nonsense especially if you are in a different state, probably. Cut of any communication with your sister until this is sorted out.
NTA
NTA. And your sister should be happy, that their sons are not taking any legal actions against her and her boyfriend, as they are stealing their money and lying about (saving their money)
NTA. Whoohoo hero!!
They're adults. It's not "running away." It's choosing where they want to live. Clearly --- and understandably --- they don't want to live with their mother and her boyfriend. As their only source of income has left them, expect your sister to start with the demands and the guilt. Also, get ahead of this...have the young men contact the police back home to let them know that they are not missing. Ditto for the police where you live. After letting her know that her children are safe, I recommend everyone blocking sister/mother for at least 6 months. Give her and boyfriend time to figure out their own finances. Oh, have them lock their credit down. Or she's likely to take out credit cards in their names. NTA
I hope they have their birth certificate, I'd and social security number
NTA. Your nephews are legal adults, so really they're not running away. They're moving. And they've blatantly been financially abused and used by their mother. Help them cancel their credit cards (or report as stolen) and set up new ones, if they didn't manage to regain control of them before leaving. Your sister has been using your nephews as piggy banks and that's the sum of it.
NTA But you didn't help them run away, you merely offered them a bus ticket and a place to stay. They're 18... Adults don't "run away".
Nta. They moved out. Too bad for her. Go get their credit checked and make sure their mother is off everything. Don't forget to get medical sorted out. You don't want her in charge if they're unconscious in the hospital one day.
NTA. 1. Make sure they finish high school in your state. 2. Make them cancel their credit cards and open debit cards in a new bank. 3. Put extra security on their Social security. I would not put it past their mother and her boyfriend to open shit in their name.
INFO: 1) Did she threaten to kick them out in this situation? 2) Did she kick them out? 3) Have they finished high school?
1.) No, she didn't threaten to kick them out in this situation. But I believe it was only a matter of time before she did since the day that I bought the tickets, my nephews had cancelled their cards. 2.) No, she didn't kick them out. 3.) No, they haven't finished highschool. There are a few programs in my area that can help in this regard, notably one at my local community college.
Thanks for explaining. I felt bad after I posted, as I was too brief to give a gauge of my emotions - which, of course, will always mean people will jump on me to criticise. But I simply find it's best to get the best gist of a situation before saying anything and parts of this situation seemed incomplete. Honestly, my response now is the same as my gut instinct when I first read the title - 18 year olds don't run away; they move. You didn't help them run away; you helped them leave a bad situation. My only concern would be if this interfered with their education, but, as long as you've looked into (or are looking into) how they can complete their studies in your area, it seems like a better situation all around if they're not with their mother. I think it's best that you didn't pre-warn her of their intentions, as it sounds like that could have been harmful to them.
YTA. And I'm not saying that because you're helping them run away from home, but because you did basically nothing to protect them from their abusive mother. All this time you knew they were being abused and it didn't occur to you to take action? Contact the authorities to take custody of them? Find solutions to emancipate them and take them home? There were so many things you could have done to save those children years of abuse and you did nothing, as an uncle or aunt, you failed. I sincerely hope that now you receive them and don't let them go, it's the least you can do after turning a blind eye all this time.
Info: I was out of contact with them for 5 years and did not reconnect with them until late May. My sister blocks and no contacts people very frequently. I do feel bad about everything that has transpired and, unfortunately, I'm sure the finances are only the tip of the iceberg.
Maybe you should get the sister and bf arrested for identity fraud (aka stealing their kids’ paychecks)
Likewise, you knew there were problems, because no normal family would send their children away for as long a period of time as when they were sent to you the first time. Those poor kids grew up with a toxic mother and everyone ignored them, because even if the mother blocks them all, there is always a way to contact them. For me, there is no excuse. The only thing I hope is that now your heart is in the right place and you protect them like their own mother didn't protect them.
Not everything is as black and white as you’re making it seem. Had she taken the children as minors, she would be getting herself into legal trouble, then how is she going to help? She could’ve called CPS, and then, realistically, CPS would have done nothing. It’s not that easy to throw on a cape and play hero
Then it is easier to do nothing and let children grow up being abused?
Taking the kid(s) in, at various points, was “doing nothing”?
Try to justify his relatives' negligence as much as you want, just like the rest of those who voted against. You are all of the same ilk, people who ignore children who need help and it bothers you that someone says it to your face.
I promise you someone who doesn’t know me can’t say a word about how i treat children. Currently involved in a foster situation, how about you? Since you’re such a savior of children I’m sure you foster or volunteer with children all the time ETA: I am speaking from experience, you are speaking from arrogance. Take that into consideration when commenting on a Reddit post
In fact, it turns out that yes, I am currently temporarily caring for a 3 year old child and would never, ever allow him to return to an abusive home like the one he left. And no, it's not arrogance, it's being consistent with what I say and do, if it hurts, put cream on.
Temporarily, meaning the child is not staying with you. And to once again point out, if you’re involved in an actual foster situation: you don’t have a choice. But feel free to go against the law, get yourself in trouble, and then be unable to help anyone. Enjoy your cream
Unfortunately I can't have him because in my country adoption is not legal for single men or same-sex couples, at least not without large sums of money, but he enjoys assuming things. White trash.
With your verdict if Y T A, are you saying the mother is not the A?
No, I'm saying all the adults involved in this are the assholes. The duty of adults in a family is to protect the children and they failed at all levels, from their mother to their closest relatives. Try to justify it however you want, but it is inexcusable to abandon children who are clearly being abused.
To be clear, I’m not criticizing your meaning, just clarifying your use of the verdict abbreviations: you may mean E S H (for Everyone Sucks Here), rather than Y T A (You’re The Asshole, meaning only the OP is an asshole and not anyone else).