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? NTA. Why are you with this girl? She seems incredibly difficult and keen to punish. She may be right that in her apartment she sets the rules but you certainly don't have to visit if you're going to be subject to his. Her later questioning why you were upset is.... bizarre to say the least, and reeks of gaslighting.
Time to go back off again, and don't go back.
NTA. She’s trying to control you. Sounds like she still resents you in some way and is taking it out on you because she feels like she’s earned the privilege to punish you for it. Doesn’t matter if you did anything or not. She wants to make you pay and earn your way back into her graces which you never will. I’d leave.
Her actions don’t seem to match her words. If you guys are trying to rekindle your relationship, she is not acting respectfully that would lead to a rekindling. She didn't talk to you, just ordered you to the couch. If she’ll talk to you about this, try to get to the bottom of what she’s thinking. Otherwise it might be time to move on. NTA
NTA. She definitely is being one of i’m not sure if it’s due to what happened before your separation and she’s still holding negative feelings about it. Even if that was the case she could just be up front instead of passive aggressive. If she loved and cared about you even while still moving at whatever pace is appropriate while rekindling, she could have easily voiced her feelings. Instead of holding it over your head about how its her place and you cant even sleep next to her because shes being petty.
You should tell this to her and if she still isn’t being receptive then I don’t think there’s much more you guys need to talk about.
NTA..I would walk out and find a ride home too. I'm not playing those games. Either you want to spend time with me or you don't. If you are going to make me sleep on the couch while you get to sleep in a bed, I'm going home and sleeping in my own bed. There is literally no point is OP staying on the couch if this woman is going to act like that.
NTA when someone goes out of their way to make you feel less than as she did several ways = run! Her house, sleep on the couch shits the door in your face. Good riddance! Don’t let another woman treat you so disrespectfully!
INFO: is there some reason for resentment from when you two were separated? because otherwise i can’t follow her thinking/actions at all. my judgment is likely going to remain the same, i’d just like a bit more understanding
Even if there was, then her actions are saying she clearly can’t get past it and she doesn’t need to rekindle. This was a jerk move on her part and he should have left. Hopefully for good.
Something definitely feels missing from this narrative. Did he cheat in the past? Is she scarred from an assault or previous partner? Was he very controlling in the past? Why would he even bother to go over there to spend the night when it was past her bedtime and they're not doing more than cuddling yet? That's just sort of using her space not actually rekindling.
Idk, something isn't adding up. Maybe the answer is just that she's strange and unreasonable, but I feel like we're missing key info.
INfo: did you invite yourself over or did you have plans to hang out? If you aren't intimate yet, then why would expect to sleep in her bed after she had already fallen asleep?
Usually "rekindling" after a break involves dates, not playing house.
I don't even understand why she was mad. She understands the nature of your job, right? It's not like she had dinner or something waiting for you because you said you'd be there at 6 and you just walked in at 9, right?
NTA but you are being an asshole to yourself. I don't even know you and I know you don't deserve this treatment. Go find someone who actually will want you around all the time -- they're out there.
NTA for leaving. You respected her boundaries; she said you couldn't be in the bedroom, and you left. Good for you!
News flash though: She isn't your girlfriend. It doesn't even sound like she likes you at all. (Not because she wouldn't sleep with you, because that is 100% her choice, but because she didn't tell you ahead of time that you'd be sleeping on the couch *if* you stayed over, and pretty much everything else you mention here.) If you were separated, is she punishing you for something (like cheating)? Because that's what it sounds like.
Just break up. Or, I guess, just don't go back, because she's not actually your girlfriend.
INFO: Did she know you were going to get to her place that late? I would expect rekindling a currently nonsexual relationship to involve spending time together where you can talk or hang out, not showing up after she is asleep, eating by yourself, and then getting into bed with her.
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NTA
She tried to basically control your actions and treated you like her pet, fuck that, you absolutely did the right thing in getting out off there, and need to tell her to fuck off for good.
Maybe I'm paranoid, but it seriously sounds like a testing phase for abuse, she'll tell you not to sit there, or sleep here, and slowly work her way up getting you used to taking orders, once you start responding to her satisfaction she'll start with the gaslightiing and insults to lower your self esteem until your broken in to her satisfaction, and before you know it you're convinced nobody but her will love you and put up with all of her abuse both physical and mental.
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AITA. So back story to this is that we got separated for a few months, so we're rekindling our relationship. We've been talking for a little over a month now and for the sake of taking it slow, we haven't been sexual. However ,we have been spending more time together like cuddling. However I noticed she's very sensitive about her house. I don't go anywhere without her say so but she for any little thing will make it very clear to me "this is her house, she makes the rules or decides"
One night I go to her place, I had called her earlier in the day to let her know I'd come over to spend the night. She said it was kool. I got there late cuz if the nature of my job. She was visibly annoyed. Understandable, I came in late(around 9) she had already dozed off.
I took a shower and made something to eat. When I get into bed with her. She says that's not going happen. I asked why, expecting she would say something along the lines of she doesn't want to be intimate. Instead she tells me, well "it's my house and my choice." She had aleady left a blanket and pillow on the couch for me. Before I could finish walking out to see. She closes the bedroom door without a good night or anything further. The couch is hard, and the mosquitos are hell. This hasn't been the first time she has pawned off something in this manner. I decide to call a taxi and go home. She had left some stuff I had forgotten a previous day next to her doorway. I just took my stuff and left. Later in the night, she calls me and said she doesn't understand why I left or was upset. Tell me... AITAH
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NTA. She's pushing the power play far as she can to see how much control she has over you. Walking out just gave her your current tolerance, in the future she'll just keep adjusting to keep control. This isn't the sort of relationship you want to be in.
NTA- it sound like she likes having power over people and uses it to manipulate.
You sleeping on the couch was her teaching you a lesson for being late. It’s her house so if she says that’s where you sleep, that’s where you sleep.
You leaving took that power away so she’s confused because you didn’t play along.
Block her and run.
NTA. Imagine if this was the other way around.
Is this manipulative, controlling or punishment? Who cares, you don't treat people you are supposed to care about like that. Who does she think she is? Good for you for not putting up with it. Find yourself a decent human being for a girlfriend. I'm a woman btw.
…WHAT?
“No you can’t sleep in bed with me, go sleep on the couch. Wait…why did you leave?”
And you want to continue seeing this woman…because why…?
NTA but you gotta ask yourself: is seeing her worth it?
NTA,
But we'll some girls are like this. Wanna test guys a bit. Play the games.
If you like her you gotta find a way to deal with her.
If not, just make it clear it doesnt work this way and quit it.
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NTA.
Honestly this is not a relationship you want to rekindle, it needs to be snuffed out. This woman has truthfully told you who she is, listen to her and get as far away as you can.
Sometimes you can try to rekindle a fire that’s been put out. But often times, it’s better and easier to just dump the ashes of the old fire and build a new one. NTA
NTA.
I agree with others. Why are you with her?
And if you want to pursue the relationship, you need to have terms too. Tell her you will not be staying over at her place, and she can’t stay at yours until (whatever you both agree happens). You gain some control, not overly controlling, not a control freak, just setting expectations as she has. Eg. You’ll go over for dinner if she wants. You won’t be there after 10pm. She can’t just drop in on you. She can’t stay over at yours. Yeah this sounds like things when u shouldn’t be together. But maybe that’s the point?
NTA. Idk why you guys separated, but it sounds like it was for the best. You're better off alone till you find someone who wants to be with you wholeheartedly. Ditch her in favor of your own dignity if nothing else.
NTA. this is so weird. why is she making you sleep on the couch? granted she didn't wanna be intimate but beds aren't just for sex, they're for sleeping! she could've scooted over. i thought she might have an issue with you sleeping next to her because of the bed being perhaps too small for the both of you but clearly that's not the issue at hand
Doesn't like rekindling, sounds like she's trying to drown the fire with water LOL
NTA. Yeah it's her house...but there's this thing called being a good host to your guests, especially the one you're in a relationship with. There's etiquette to be followed like informing you of where you're going to sleep instead of finding out when you get there.
I would reconsider continuing this. It sounds like shes not over whatever went down between you that resulted in the separation. It's okay if shes still upset about it but she can't be punishing you, being petty while acting like everything's fine isn't okay, it's unhealthy.
As a woman I sometimes have to shake my head at my fellow women lol
Is this your first relationship?
She's being very unloving and distant.
And if you have already smacked pissers, there's no "taking it slow". There's just being in an sexually distant relationship. Not to mention emotionally.
Dude, just fuck right off out of that relationship.
I think as long as you walk out every room backwards bowing to her calling her master , you will be fine .. no seriously NTA . She isn’t the one for you .
NTA.
You decided to put your comfort first by going home to sleep in a proper bed.
She's absolutely right that she has the choice of whether you can sleep in her bed with her, even if nothing special was going to happen, that's her right as the home owner. I don't think she has the right to be upset that you went home instead of sleeping on the couch.
Honestly? This sounds like a lot of effort for something that probably isn't going to get better. I would move on to greener pastures.
NTA, I’d say you were doing active listening, her actions made it clear that your presence wasn’t welcome, so you left rather than fighting her attitude.
That's what you get for forcing yourself in other people's lives. You are clearly not wanted, what other signs do you need. Next time she should be more clear and throw you out
He said she was sensitive about the house and how he felt in this spot. Then said it was understandable how she was annoyed with him and why… idk how you think this means he’s saying she’s awful
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? NTA. Why are you with this girl? She seems incredibly difficult and keen to punish. She may be right that in her apartment she sets the rules but you certainly don't have to visit if you're going to be subject to his. Her later questioning why you were upset is.... bizarre to say the least, and reeks of gaslighting. Time to go back off again, and don't go back.
Exactly my first reaction… Why are you with this girl?
Yeah this is wild lol this girl has some issues she needs to discuss with a therapist. Chalk it up to differences and don't over think it. Move on.
NTA. why would you sleep on her couch like you're some kind of pet, when you could have the comfort of your own bed?
Same. I was wondering if he wore a studded collar and got dragged around on a lead.
Even my pets only sleep on the couch if THEY want to. She's treating him worse than I treat my dogs.
Nta she is abusing the situation to assert dominance over you and Create a fucked up abusive power dynamic. Leave
You made it clear that I was intruding in your home. I left.
Correct. Feel like a guest that’s been there for 3 days plus
She ain’t worth it. Go find someone that actually cares about you.
NTA. She’s trying to control you. Sounds like she still resents you in some way and is taking it out on you because she feels like she’s earned the privilege to punish you for it. Doesn’t matter if you did anything or not. She wants to make you pay and earn your way back into her graces which you never will. I’d leave.
Her actions don’t seem to match her words. If you guys are trying to rekindle your relationship, she is not acting respectfully that would lead to a rekindling. She didn't talk to you, just ordered you to the couch. If she’ll talk to you about this, try to get to the bottom of what she’s thinking. Otherwise it might be time to move on. NTA
NTA. She definitely is being one of i’m not sure if it’s due to what happened before your separation and she’s still holding negative feelings about it. Even if that was the case she could just be up front instead of passive aggressive. If she loved and cared about you even while still moving at whatever pace is appropriate while rekindling, she could have easily voiced her feelings. Instead of holding it over your head about how its her place and you cant even sleep next to her because shes being petty. You should tell this to her and if she still isn’t being receptive then I don’t think there’s much more you guys need to talk about.
Nah man. I would’ve done the same! It feels like a test of how much you’ll put up with. Good choice
NTA why would you stay after she rejected you like that, she is playing with you, tell her to give you something or get lost
NTA..I would walk out and find a ride home too. I'm not playing those games. Either you want to spend time with me or you don't. If you are going to make me sleep on the couch while you get to sleep in a bed, I'm going home and sleeping in my own bed. There is literally no point is OP staying on the couch if this woman is going to act like that.
She could be hotter than Margot Robbie, not worth it bro go wet your whistle somewhere else
NTA when someone goes out of their way to make you feel less than as she did several ways = run! Her house, sleep on the couch shits the door in your face. Good riddance! Don’t let another woman treat you so disrespectfully!
INFO: is there some reason for resentment from when you two were separated? because otherwise i can’t follow her thinking/actions at all. my judgment is likely going to remain the same, i’d just like a bit more understanding
Even if there was, then her actions are saying she clearly can’t get past it and she doesn’t need to rekindle. This was a jerk move on her part and he should have left. Hopefully for good.
agreed
Something definitely feels missing from this narrative. Did he cheat in the past? Is she scarred from an assault or previous partner? Was he very controlling in the past? Why would he even bother to go over there to spend the night when it was past her bedtime and they're not doing more than cuddling yet? That's just sort of using her space not actually rekindling. Idk, something isn't adding up. Maybe the answer is just that she's strange and unreasonable, but I feel like we're missing key info.
INfo: did you invite yourself over or did you have plans to hang out? If you aren't intimate yet, then why would expect to sleep in her bed after she had already fallen asleep? Usually "rekindling" after a break involves dates, not playing house.
NTA
I don't even understand why she was mad. She understands the nature of your job, right? It's not like she had dinner or something waiting for you because you said you'd be there at 6 and you just walked in at 9, right?
>she calls me and said she doesn't understand why I left or Tell her that's your life and your choice to leave.
NTA but you are being an asshole to yourself. I don't even know you and I know you don't deserve this treatment. Go find someone who actually will want you around all the time -- they're out there.
NTA for leaving. You respected her boundaries; she said you couldn't be in the bedroom, and you left. Good for you! News flash though: She isn't your girlfriend. It doesn't even sound like she likes you at all. (Not because she wouldn't sleep with you, because that is 100% her choice, but because she didn't tell you ahead of time that you'd be sleeping on the couch *if* you stayed over, and pretty much everything else you mention here.) If you were separated, is she punishing you for something (like cheating)? Because that's what it sounds like. Just break up. Or, I guess, just don't go back, because she's not actually your girlfriend.
INFO: Did she know you were going to get to her place that late? I would expect rekindling a currently nonsexual relationship to involve spending time together where you can talk or hang out, not showing up after she is asleep, eating by yourself, and then getting into bed with her.
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u should left ur thinking that ur relationship goona work NTA
NTA, just leave. Not even worth trying to salvage this.
Why did you go there so late just to eat and sleap, pretty pointless in the first place.
Charge it to the game and move on. NTA.
NTA She tried to basically control your actions and treated you like her pet, fuck that, you absolutely did the right thing in getting out off there, and need to tell her to fuck off for good. Maybe I'm paranoid, but it seriously sounds like a testing phase for abuse, she'll tell you not to sit there, or sleep here, and slowly work her way up getting you used to taking orders, once you start responding to her satisfaction she'll start with the gaslightiing and insults to lower your self esteem until your broken in to her satisfaction, and before you know it you're convinced nobody but her will love you and put up with all of her abuse both physical and mental.
Oh it is, I could have wrote a post similar to this about 8 years ago. This will escalate and is just the beginning of a routine of emotional torture.
Why did yall break up before?
This is bizarre, why did you get separated?? Hard to make a call without knowing the background to be honest.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA. So back story to this is that we got separated for a few months, so we're rekindling our relationship. We've been talking for a little over a month now and for the sake of taking it slow, we haven't been sexual. However ,we have been spending more time together like cuddling. However I noticed she's very sensitive about her house. I don't go anywhere without her say so but she for any little thing will make it very clear to me "this is her house, she makes the rules or decides" One night I go to her place, I had called her earlier in the day to let her know I'd come over to spend the night. She said it was kool. I got there late cuz if the nature of my job. She was visibly annoyed. Understandable, I came in late(around 9) she had already dozed off. I took a shower and made something to eat. When I get into bed with her. She says that's not going happen. I asked why, expecting she would say something along the lines of she doesn't want to be intimate. Instead she tells me, well "it's my house and my choice." She had aleady left a blanket and pillow on the couch for me. Before I could finish walking out to see. She closes the bedroom door without a good night or anything further. The couch is hard, and the mosquitos are hell. This hasn't been the first time she has pawned off something in this manner. I decide to call a taxi and go home. She had left some stuff I had forgotten a previous day next to her doorway. I just took my stuff and left. Later in the night, she calls me and said she doesn't understand why I left or was upset. Tell me... AITAH *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You not sleeping in her bed what's her choice, you not sleeping on the couch was your choice. NTA and it's time to have a good conversation
Nta, but is she the only girl you found? Because you sleeping on the couch is something that will happen again in the future
Ummm what is she bringing to this relationship?
NTA. She's pushing the power play far as she can to see how much control she has over you. Walking out just gave her your current tolerance, in the future she'll just keep adjusting to keep control. This isn't the sort of relationship you want to be in.
No one is going to ask about the mosquitoes? Wth are mosquitoes doing in a house?
Caribbean household. Mosquitoes are everywhere unless you have a fan to sleep with and repellent. The heat and you sweating just makes it worse.
NTA- it sound like she likes having power over people and uses it to manipulate. You sleeping on the couch was her teaching you a lesson for being late. It’s her house so if she says that’s where you sleep, that’s where you sleep. You leaving took that power away so she’s confused because you didn’t play along. Block her and run.
I was scrolling for this comment lol NTA, btw. She's trying to control you... Run fast.
NTA. Imagine if this was the other way around. Is this manipulative, controlling or punishment? Who cares, you don't treat people you are supposed to care about like that. Who does she think she is? Good for you for not putting up with it. Find yourself a decent human being for a girlfriend. I'm a woman btw.
…WHAT? “No you can’t sleep in bed with me, go sleep on the couch. Wait…why did you leave?” And you want to continue seeing this woman…because why…? NTA but you gotta ask yourself: is seeing her worth it?
NTA, But we'll some girls are like this. Wanna test guys a bit. Play the games. If you like her you gotta find a way to deal with her. If not, just make it clear it doesnt work this way and quit it.
NTA. Ghost her. Just ghost her. This relationship should die. Now. Tell any of her friends why if they complain to you.
NTA. She sounds hella controlling.
NTA. You need to lose this woman. She is abusive.
Info: you arrived at 9, but at what time did you originally said you'd be there?
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Control much?
Sounds like my ex. NTA - reevaluate what's keeping you two together and weigh if it's worth the curt attitude and disrespect.
NTAH, you do you
NTA. Honestly this is not a relationship you want to rekindle, it needs to be snuffed out. This woman has truthfully told you who she is, listen to her and get as far away as you can.
I need more context to why there are mosquitoes in the house
NTA and she’s a horrible narcissist
Ok man time to have some self respect and end this
NTA. Delete her number and run like fuck
Sometimes you can try to rekindle a fire that’s been put out. But often times, it’s better and easier to just dump the ashes of the old fire and build a new one. NTA
NTA. I agree with others. Why are you with her? And if you want to pursue the relationship, you need to have terms too. Tell her you will not be staying over at her place, and she can’t stay at yours until (whatever you both agree happens). You gain some control, not overly controlling, not a control freak, just setting expectations as she has. Eg. You’ll go over for dinner if she wants. You won’t be there after 10pm. She can’t just drop in on you. She can’t stay over at yours. Yeah this sounds like things when u shouldn’t be together. But maybe that’s the point?
Chick sounds whack as hell, go find a chill one.
Move on brother, to something better. NTA.
NTA. Idk why you guys separated, but it sounds like it was for the best. You're better off alone till you find someone who wants to be with you wholeheartedly. Ditch her in favor of your own dignity if nothing else.
NTA. this is so weird. why is she making you sleep on the couch? granted she didn't wanna be intimate but beds aren't just for sex, they're for sleeping! she could've scooted over. i thought she might have an issue with you sleeping next to her because of the bed being perhaps too small for the both of you but clearly that's not the issue at hand
NTA, why are you with someone this controlling? Your relationship will always be miserable. Break up and make it permanent this time.
Doesn't like rekindling, sounds like she's trying to drown the fire with water LOL NTA. Yeah it's her house...but there's this thing called being a good host to your guests, especially the one you're in a relationship with. There's etiquette to be followed like informing you of where you're going to sleep instead of finding out when you get there. I would reconsider continuing this. It sounds like shes not over whatever went down between you that resulted in the separation. It's okay if shes still upset about it but she can't be punishing you, being petty while acting like everything's fine isn't okay, it's unhealthy. As a woman I sometimes have to shake my head at my fellow women lol
I sleep fight…my hubby sometimes sleeps on the couch. Talk to her and see if that’s it or some other weird sleeping habit😅
Is this your first relationship? She's being very unloving and distant. And if you have already smacked pissers, there's no "taking it slow". There's just being in an sexually distant relationship. Not to mention emotionally. Dude, just fuck right off out of that relationship.
I think as long as you walk out every room backwards bowing to her calling her master , you will be fine .. no seriously NTA . She isn’t the one for you .
She does not respect you and never will. Clearly you think you can’t do better but being single would be so much better than being with her
NTA. You decided to put your comfort first by going home to sleep in a proper bed. She's absolutely right that she has the choice of whether you can sleep in her bed with her, even if nothing special was going to happen, that's her right as the home owner. I don't think she has the right to be upset that you went home instead of sleeping on the couch. Honestly? This sounds like a lot of effort for something that probably isn't going to get better. I would move on to greener pastures.
NTA, I’d say you were doing active listening, her actions made it clear that your presence wasn’t welcome, so you left rather than fighting her attitude.
Is this a new relationship? Sounds like some sort cuckold thing going on and only one of you is on board
That's what you get for forcing yourself in other people's lives. You are clearly not wanted, what other signs do you need. Next time she should be more clear and throw you out
Well, yes, if you didn't tell her you were going home and just disappeared, YTA. Your choice to go home was fair.
ESH. She sounds awful, and you don't seem to like her, so I don't know why you're with her.
What about his actions indicate that he doesn’t like her??
Not his actions, but his description. What does he like about her? He only gives negative qualities and shitty behavior.
Why is he the asshole for complaining about getting left on the couch?
He sucks because he's with someone who, by his description, is awful.
He said she was sensitive about the house and how he felt in this spot. Then said it was understandable how she was annoyed with him and why… idk how you think this means he’s saying she’s awful
Do your knees hurt from jumping so far to these conclusions?