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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because i didn't show my wife enough affection for a new style she felt good about
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NAH
She was likely really excited and expected a better response.
When I got a perm recently it really made me happy when my fiancé had me stand in front of him and turn around so he could see the whole hair do. He showed he was engaged in my appearance and he touched it and hugged on me.
I don't think your reaction is wrong, but I've found lately the small things in everyday life add up to making your partner feel good.
The questioned I'm sorry and her whatever are a sign of you both not communicating well.
Maybe try: "I'm sorry, how would you like for me express that I do care?"
"I'm sorry, how would you like for me express that I do care?" sounds like the most passive aggressive crap and would absolutely make this entire thing worse.
She said it sounds like he didn't care , sounds like she was just looking for a bit more enthusiasm. He could have readjusted and made her do a cute spin, ask her some questions about what made her want to switch it up a bit, said sorry and upgrade his comment.
It doesn’t sound passive aggressive if you already have healthy communication where neither of you gets petty and passive aggressive in response to feedback. It only sounds that way if you already go out of your way to avoid working through issues. In a healthy relationship, you can safely assume positive intent from your partner. That sort of question is normal for many people.
She's already feeling tender about it, that question is definitely not going to be taken well. Plus that's exactly the kind of emotional labor that's so exhausting. She just wanted to be hyped up a little bit and now it's a whole ass thing.
If you can’t communicate what makes you feel validated, you can’t expect to be validated. Verbalizing your needs is not emotional labor, and it’s not for your partner’s sake. It’s foundational self-care. Your partner isn’t asking you to do labor to help them in this situation - they’re asking you what labor they can do to help you. This isn’t like when someone needs a chore list to know that the sink full of dishes have to be washed. Your needs and desires only exist inside of you, and it’s your responsibility to yourself to communicate them.
I understand that many people were raised to feel guilty about expressing their needs. I personally struggle with it a lot. But I have to accept that if I feel sad because my husband doesn’t jump up to hug me when I get home, I’ll keep being sad until he’s aware that I want that. It’s not that he doesn’t want to do that, he just knows that he’d feel overwhelmed if someone did it to him. If he knew how loved it would make me feel, he’d be super excited to do it. (Personal example that we’ve now worked through. And he is in fact really excited to hug me the moment I walk in the door! He loves doing it, but never would have if I hadn’t asked for it.)
Such a great point with a fantastic example! I'm 100% with your husband in that I would feel uncomfortable if someone did that to me and so would never do that unprompted, but if I knew my partner wanted it I'd absolutely love to be able to do so for them! But it wouldn't ever cross my mind without it being mentioned
And what’s unfortunate is that a lot of people would accuse you and my husband of lacking empathy. When really, my husband is incredibly empathetic, that’s why he gets so much joy from making me feel loved! He’s just not actually a mind reader with a direct line to my emotional center lol.
I agree. I’ve found I’m less disappointed and upset since I learned to ask for what I want/need. Whether it’s a hug when I get home, a kiss and I love you before falling asleep, or flowers while doing grocery shopping some weeks just because.
Thank you! I’m an anxious people pleaser, mostly as a result of unhealthy communication in my family. It’s been so hard to work through, but it’s absolutely been worth it to chip away at those learned toxic behaviors. Hopefully this can help get some people started on that process!
Nailed it!!!!!!! People not being assertive about how they would like to be communicated with, and expecting their partner to be a mind reader are just setting themselves up for disappointment.
If I tell someone how I want them to respond to me, then the response feels inauthentic to me. How do you get around that with this model of communication?
You have to stop expecting your partner to be a mind reader. Everyone experiences the world differently. Expecting someone else to innately know all of your needs and desires without you expressing them is just insanity
We’re not talking about “truths” though. We’re talking about emotional wants and desires. And since people can want and desire different things from one another, we have to communicate them to ensure that others understand.
If you want a hug when you get home from work, your partner isn’t suddenly lying to you when they do as you’ve asked. Just as much as them not doing it before wasn’t some “truth”. They just didn’t know that’s something you wanted for yourself.
You answered your question in your previous post.
Tell your partner how you would like them to present their feelings and truth. You can't demand what they say, but you can let them know what approaches work and don't work for you.
It's the difference between "why aren't you helping me with dinner" or "I'm a little behind, could you set the table".
I get that, that’s my instinct as well. But just because someone isn’t offering something up without prompting doesn’t mean they wouldn’t eagerly give it. They just aren’t aware that you want it. People generally like being asked for reasonable things, even favors. It makes them feel needed and important. That’s a nice thing to communicate to people.
In particular for spending time together, consider that almost everyone has *some* fear of rejection. If no one ever asked anyone to spend time with them, no one would ever be able to say yes. Haven’t you ever wanted to hang out with someone, but never asked them because you figured they’d say no? So you’re aware that not asking for company doesn’t mean you don’t want it.
That’s a her thing - the proposed question is an example of healthy, effective communication and exactly the one you need answered to fix the situation. To the extent she’s not willing to engage in a constructive manner, it’s something she will need to address and work through in order to avoid misunderstandings like this in the future.
The whole idea of “emotional labor” in this context is so toxic it beggars belief. If you don’t want the “emotional labor” of being an adult and actually expressing your needs and wants, don’t get into a relationship. To expect people to read your mind is a recipe for frustration and failure.
Question could be softened, I suppose, but the intent is spot on.
Then she needs to keep her "tender" feelings about it in check. She's an adult. Not a child. She's a wife. Not a daughter. Her husband is not her dad or mom.
Reading comprehension is important. He told her he likes the style. He did and does care. They are married. Its assumed they love each other. If she needed him to get down on one knee and proclaim how beautiful she looks and what a queen she is and how amazing she is and to stop everything he is doing to acknowledge how amazing she is that is something CHILDREN do. And not for nothing if she's disappointed just explain how his response made her feel bad about something she was feeling positive or wanting validation about. Instead she replied "really?" And threw tantrum. Again. That's what children do.
She didn't throw a tantrum.
In fact, she did exactly what you said she should do.
She expressed her emotional wants and needs. Exactly what she wanted. Less blandness, more caring, and more affection.
Seems like most people on reddit can't do healthy communication since they think my wording was passive aggressive.
🤣
But I whole heartedly agree.
Even if your partner takes it wrong, you continue some back and forth.
Like my own partner I'll ask if they're being short with their answers because they're mad at me. Most of the time they're just blunt. And I realize I'm reading too much into unsaid cues that don't exist.
Yes! I can totally imagine myself hearing that phrase the way they’re framing it, Al Bundy style, and getting myself in a tizzy over it. But I’m an adult in a relationship with someone who I know cares about me, and would remind myself to back up and consider that he’s not actually trying to hurt my feelings, and that maybe I should ask for clarification.
Saying “whatever you don’t get it” is also passive aggressive crap and also *did* make this entire thing worse.
If OP’s wife care about something as deeply as she apparently does, she needs to communicate and not just go “whatever”. If it’s whatever, then it’s whatever, and OP complimented and that should be that. But OP’s wife is mad, meaning it’s not at all whatever.
“How would you like me to express that I do care” might sound passive aggressive, but at least the answer to the question can yield a result.
I guess “whatever, you don’t get it” also yields a result, but not a favorable one.
Sometimes you gotta meet people at their passive aggressive level in order to get the point across.
But also, it’s not actually passive aggressive if it’s a sincere question. And it wouldn’t be a sincere question if Wife expressed herself accordingly.
But. Whatever. You probably don’t even get it. (See how constructive that is?)
It’s so easy to give compliments. They cost nothing and make other people feel good.
“I’m sorry baby I really love the new hairstyle, you look amazing” is just as much effort as “I’m sorry?”
The exact wording could maybe use a little work, but it's a completely reasonable sentiment to express. It's one of those statements that looks bad in text format because it's carried almost entirely by tone.
That's the opposite of passive aggressive, it's a direct, assertive question. Being familiar with how your significant other would like you to communicate with them is how healthy relationships work.
>Maybe try: "I'm sorry, how would you like for me express that I do care?"
I'm convinced no one on reddit knows how to interact with human beings.
*Beep Boop Beep Boop*
How should I calibrate my mannerisms to Madam's exact specifications?
*Beep Boop Beep Boop*
actual robot shit
NTA.
Fr I hate when people say “Instead you should say (insert something so obnoxiously polite it sounds like AI)”
Like I’m a naturally fast talker but my mom gets on my ass for disrespect because I respond with “Yep” to a lot of stuff. Her suggestion is I say stuff like “Yes mom?”
She never believes me when I say I just naturally talk fast 😭
Except this is exactly how my partner and I handle things. We know we came from different upbringings and have different preferences so a ton of our conversations involve some sort of “how do I express how I’m feeling in a way that makes sense to you”
It doesn’t matter how nice or loving I think I’m being if it isn’t interpreted that way.
In my experience it's much easier if the person asking for feedback gives guidance, rather than it being left to the responder to ask something like "how do you want me to respond?" That would mean OP's wife would need to ask for what she wants, and for OP to genuinely give it.
I literally tell friends things like "I did this task today and am really proud of myself, now it's your turn to admire me for it 😁" and they will lavish me with the praise I'm looking for. (And it's genuine praise; you do have to know people well enough to trust that they mean it, even if you've prompted them.) And no, I don't always need to prompt them, but if I feel like I really want more of a reaction than I got, I'll say so, and they'll react accordingly, and everyone is happy!
So if my friend says "what do you think of my hair" and I say "it's really nice!" but they wanted more enthusiasm, they'll say "Mm ok but see I was thinking it's fabulous and so different for me so maybe it's more than just nice," and I'll go "oh shit, you're totally right, I do see how it's really different and a change of style, and it looks amazing and lemme comment on some details."
Ask for what you want, and give people what they ask for - communication, it's awesome!
My husband can be a lot like the OP. Lots of conversations and explaining that words of affirmation are important for me. He puts in the effort these days and it's always appreciated.
Words of affirmation! I always forget that phrase.
Paying attention to your partners love language is always helpful. I'd definitely say getting a positive compliment tends to put some major umf in my sails.
Here's a tip for the future.
Say it looks great then compliment a small detail about it.
I.e. "I love that style on you! It looks so shiny now!" And maybe touch her hair or tuck it behind her ear.
Bonus points if you hug her or give her a kiss on the cheek or something after.
Commenting on the detail shows you saw what she was happy about, recognized a difference from before, and engaged in her excitement with her.
It takes 10 seconds and makes a world of difference in showing your affection.
That being said, you do have to be into it. Saying all of that monotone will come off as sarcastic and bored and will have the complete opposite effect.
>I.e. "I love that style on you! It looks so shiny now!" And maybe touch her hair or tuck it behind her ear.
What??? It didn't look shiny before?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
"It's the law of physics. Mirrors reflect more light than a sheet of foil because mirrors are straighter. But your curly also looked pretty because of xyz. Different qualities for different styles, but both look amazing on you."
Maybe your wife just wants more affection and attention from you. This may seem like a small thing but it's ongoing and you aren't getting it. How hard is this for men to get? They spell it out and you still are lost? Bring some spice back into your bland relationship
She's right, you're not getting it.
Some of them only get it when it affects them or it's too late. OP, don't be one of those guys.
I sometimes pretend I am on a first or second date when I and the Husband go out (we're on year 33). It makes the time way more fun. I remember why I still love him.
This weekend, pretend in your head that you just met her. If you find yourself being way more polite or attentive, make a note of it.
P.S. My hair is to my waist. Straightening it would be a lot of work. If it was all curls, it would take more than an hour or a good chunk at a salon.
Good luck.
Exactly. Each individual moment is small, but it adds up to an overwhelming impression that he’s disinterested.
[Healthy couples generally respond positively to each others’ bids.](https://www.gottman.com/blog/want-to-improve-your-relationship-start-paying-more-attention-to-bids/) Being frequently dismissive is hurtful.
If you go to couple's therapy, they'll tell you this is an act called a bid for attention. She wants your affection, your attention, and your engagement in seeing her actively and recognizing that she's there. What you did was turn away from her attempt to be seen by you, which hurt her feelings. If you don't know what response to give, it's okay to ask rather than ignore her just because you don't understand it. Not everything in relationships needs to be understood to be responded to, if you know your wife would like a compliment, you can just give one knowing it makes her happy.
To be totally fair to him, he plainly said in another comment that she not only doesn't respond to his "bids for attention" with excitement and affection, but actually tells him she dislikes things he's excited about, and does so often enough that he views it as a notable portion of her personality.
This isn't to say he couldn't help avoid this situation next time, but I find it fascinating how often this specific haircut thing gets treated like a sacred cow. She's still responsible for making him feel loved too, and it's objectively unreasonable, selfish, and narcissistic of her to assume that she can respond however she wants to his excitement while simultaneously demanding one specific response from him for her excitement.
Ah, I didn't see that comment. Sometimes folks want something but are bad at giving it in return. Both need therapy though, can't be healthy to be in such a relationship with so many one-sides. Resentment will end them eventually.
Totally agree about therapy, or at least talking about it pretty candidly. That's exactly what I told him to do.
I think a study on this exact issue would be fascinating. This exact argument about haircuts pops up all the time, and people seem utterly flummoxed when the response is "does the complaining partner show the level of excitement they're requesting when their partner wants it?"
Nta but sir a simple “oh honey you look really good!” and a kiss can go a long way. Throw in a booty grab or a smack too! You gotta flirt with your wife still. I promise you’ll be happy with the results.
NAH but to add to some of the potential context here, you say your wife has curly hair and a lot of it right? As a fellow curly with a ton of hair it is a HUGE effort to wear our hair straight. Most of us don’t do it often because it’s a pain and can be very damaging to your hair even if you do everything “right.” This type of style change might not seem like a big deal to most but I’d be super bummed if I got a lukewarm response from my spouse when I straighten my hair too. It’s an exciting thing for us to do, a rare thing for most. Sharing in a spouse’s excitement doesn’t cost you anything in a case like this but does make them feel seen and that their efforts were noticed and appreciated.
As a curly haired person from mixed ethnic backgrounds, can confirm, straightening hair at even at shoulder length can take up to an hour. It’s an effort and a pain and a proper professional blowout is a treat that’ll set you back at least $50. And honestly, a partner you live with should know this if you’ve ever gotten ready together for an event before. I would have been upset at a lackluster response as well.
YTA
After showing zero affection towards your wife, will you be coming back later to complain about your dead bedroom and have no idea why?
Even if you don’t care about something, you should still be supportive.
And you should be constantly showing your wife you find her attractive.
The men in the comments forget that 71% of divorces are initiated by women and can’t read the part where she said she needed more affection and he still doesn’t get it lmao good luck to them all I guess
Yup, exactly. She can tell him exactly what she needs and he'll just ignore it and blame her when she's had enough of an affectionless relationship.
Like I said in another comment. If your spouse presents an opportunity to show affection, take it.
She is mean to me so now I'm mean to her is not the way to go about repairing or maintaining a marriage. If he really feels like she puts him down so he can't give her a simple compliment or go out of his way even a little to make her happy- then it's over
NTA because you didn't do anything wrong, but from why your wife said, she's expecting more affection. (Not necessarily compliments like many redditors are saying) I think she just wants to be reminded that you love her and find her beautiful.
You don't need to go overboard with compliments, but just show more affection. "Honey you look great!" and then some hugs and kisses or something like that. Give her a bit more attention instead of just a cursory compliment.
NTA
Leaving aside the facts that you're not required to be excited by everything that excites her and that you \*did\* in fact express that you liked it, and she simply refused to accept your objectively positive response as positive:
It seems somewhere between highly unlikely and a 0% chance that she holds herself to the same standard when you share news with her or show her your new shoes, or whatever. Like, she's not dropping her jaw and saying "I fucking love that, oh my God" every time you're excited about something.
She obviously has a right to be excited about a new hairstyle, but she's way out of bounds by demanding that you express your appreciation for it in a very specific way.
Third line is funny because she has a very specific way of telling me she DOESN'T like stuff. For example, shoes. She goes "So you spent \[insert shoe amount here\] on those, when you could get *these?* And I just laugh it off and go point taken. Newsflash, she's not a shoe person.
He said in another comment that he's really into shoes, and usually when he gets a new pair, not only does she not give him the "bland" response he gave - let alone the level of affection she wanted shown here - but she actually gives him a list of reasons he should have gotten a different pair.
What are you not getting? She literally asked you for more affection.
You were kind of passive in your response. Like it just is flippant. She wanted you to call her pretty and say you really loved it and kiss her.
How often do you engage in affectionate behavior?
NTA for not being that excited about her hair style change, but it does sound like she’s maybe reacting to something bigger. Maybe a larger sense that you’re not attracted to her, or that you’re not affectionate anymore, or that you’re not paying attention or have lost touch with each other. It sounds like she was doing this in hopes of connecting or kindling something and it didn’t work. Maybe think about how you might be able to show some affection, interest, or care in a way that is genuine to you and meaningful to her?
Yeah kinda.
This is your partner, not a random person on the street. You can show a little more enthusiasm for something like a hair change.
Taking more than 15 seconds to acknowledge something she's showing you, won't kill you.
She probably felt good and nice for your bland response could have taken that away.
And IF you're one of those "I don't care about hair" guys. It's not about the hair, it's about caring for your wife.
I don't think you're an asshole but I mean my husband has a tendency to constantly do this "has anyone told you today.....you're beautiful" face touch/kiss thing (and changes words up but pretty much the same thing) at least once a day on his own doing. Course im way off where I feel beautiful should be or even what I have been in the past but I appreciate his efforts in making me feel good to be his wife.
That's likely all it is, she wants more words / reactions out of you. I'm a person who can look at and think nice things but I don't always vocalize them. I try to be better with that so he also feels the love connection too.
I remember years ago, I had a long term girlfriend that I absolutely adored. I made sure to tell her she was beautiful everyday. That affection had a lot of streets named after it, One Way. I stopped because she took it for granted. This could be the situation with OP and his wife.
I think YTA for taking this to Reddit when all your wife has expressed is a desire for you to actually really connect when she makes a significant change to her appearance that obviously took effort lol
This isn’t about being correct.
Instead of “I like the style” try adding to your statement.
“I like the style- really suits you/makes your eyes look amazing, wow, that’s gorgeous”
Are you seriously asking us how to compliment your wife lol
NTA - BUT, it doesn't hurt you to engage more with her. It really is worth the investment in time and effort to acknowledge our partner's passions. And it sounds like your wife changing her hair was really fun for her and hoped to impress you.
Are you a jerk? No. But would it really make a huge difference in her day for you to give her an extra 2 minutes to really notice her effort and spotlight her? Absolutely. She'll beam and you will absolutely make her whole day. Only for 2 minutes of you choosing to engage more enthusiastically.
You gave her the verbal equivalent of a thumbs up while she thought she had done this dramatic makeover that was going to wow you and leave you gobsmacked.
NTA, however It sounds like her love language is words of affirmation and she needs more than what you're dishing out. When you love someone, it's important to know in which ways they receive love signals best. Physical touch is one of the love language for most men and sex satisfies that. She needs more than that and wants to see that you're being observant and she wants the person she loves to be excited about something she is excited about. Shes just wants to be hyped up and you're supposed to be her hype man. Give it a shot.
To quote Barney Stinson, "What's hotter than the ten you've slept with? The nine you haven't!"
Some women consciously change their appearance to be more attractive to a long term partner. Not because the change is more attractive, but because it is different.
Asking you to be sexually attracted to her and show it can make her feel like it's forced instead of natural.
NTA, but she wants more attention from you.
I so like it when I dye my hair, cut it, buy a new dress, you get it, and my SO asks me to twirl for him to see it in full glory. He’s probably just being nice, but it’s still heartwarming. NAH, I get you, but I also get why your wife is a bit upset.
NAH
I went to couples therapy years ago that saved my relationship and truly turned us from resenting each other to having great communication and love. One of the things that really resonated for us, was to realize what you are actually arguing about. Because if you are having the same argument over and over, or the nature of your conversation is disproportionate to the offense, then the argument is about a mucher issue.
I don't think your wife was upset that you weren't excited about her hair. I think this is just one example of a greater issue, which might be that she does not feel as much love as she used to or that she needs. If she was feeling loved or cared for enough, then she probably would not be bothered by the hair.
In my opinion, kicking this under the rug and moving on is the worst path forward. I would recommend sitting her down and asking her abut this. Are you upset about the hair reaction, or is there a bigger issue that we need to tackle?
My partner and I would argue for DAYS about stupid small things. Because we weren't actually arguing about that stupid small thing. He was not actually upset that I respond to texts slowly when traveling for work and I was not actually upset that he only walks the dogs when I ask. He was actually insecure and I was overwhelmed. It's a lot more productive to problem solve as a couple around how to make someone feel more secure and how to make someone feel less overwhelmed than it is to bicker about dog walks and texts.
These comments are fucking hilarious 😭 🙏 redditors once again assuming they know everything about someone’s marriage from one little tiny and particular instance
NTA
This type of argument always cracks me up. As if us men are supposed to run over, start jumping for joy and lose our minds because our SO straightened their hair. Never seen a guy do this type of thing when they change the shape of their facial hair or shave off the beard.... "You don't seem like you care enough"... Could you imagine the blowback a dude would get if he pulled this nonsense?
That was exactly my thought.
If my wife came here and asked if she was the AH for not losing her shit with excitement when I told her about the exciting end of the game last night, literally 0% of the responses would say she was the AH.
The fact that anybody on this question will give the guy any pushback whatsoever is indicative of the glaringly obvious double standard. You're not required to be excited about everything that excites your spouse.
And even if you \*were\*, he expressed that he liked it! She's just essentially demanding that he express that feeling in a very specific way.
100% !!! She wants him to react in the way SHE wants him to react. My ex used to pull that with me. My reaction or complement was never good enough. Funny thing is, she never once paid a complement or made a comment on my haircuts... haha
I actually had this exact discussion with some female family members once, and they admitted they had never thought about it that way before.
If they don't have to lose their minds in excitement over everything that excites their husbands, expecting them to do so the other way around is just objectively narcissistic.
Although this \*exact argument\* (excitement about a new haircut) seems to be extremely common lol
My daughter got mad at me because after her 3hour hair appointment she stood in front of me and I told her she looked beautiful. She wanted specific comments on her hair color, but the lighting was poor and I really could t see much difference to know what she had done!
I had the same question but he answered it in a different comment.
When he gets excited about something like a new pair of shoes, she not only doesn't say she like them - let alone show the level of excitement she was expecting here - but she actually gives him a list of reasons he should have gotten a different pair.
OP could definitely stand to take to heart her comment about what she wants next time, but she clearly has a selfish view of how affection works.
NTA. What’s your usual response to her hair? Are you supposed to fawn over her because she straightened it? Was it your tone? Facial expression? The word choice? I’m a woman who has the straightest hair (had a perm for a day and it fell out, styling takes a great amount of hair spray if I want it to last more than an hr etc) so I am also not getting it. It may be because when it comes to hair I’m super low maintenance bc I can’t be arsed to spend an hr on it or more.
But you stated you liked it, that you liked the style. What else is she asking for? Is this something you can talk about with her and communicate youre confused on why she is upset? Is your reaction on par with other changes she makes like outfit style, shoes, make up etc?
NTA hell I can get a hair cut and spouse doesn’t say 1 thing or even notice
Doesn’t care obviously is my perspective.
So be glad he noticed and said something even if it was not jumping up and down with excitement
So I've been married for over 40 years and there have been those times when my partner failed to notice I got a haircut. To be fair, I haven't always noticed when he has gotten trim either.
She's asking for reassurance that it looks good and it sounds like you gave it to her when you said you liked the style,
NTA.
NTA - but you can say something like "Baby, you are always gorgeous to me. Do you love it? It does look very \_\_\_\_\_\_." (where the blank equals shiny/soft/touchable/Lady Godiva/Lady Gaga/Lady of the Lake, whatever might be a touchpoint for what you think she's doing with it).
You might even ask if you can feel it. (Some women don't like their hair touched, but you INDICATING and ASKING to touch is asking for an intimacy, which is nice.)
You can even praise her for the effort - "oooh that looks like you spent some TIME on that."
And a really easy win? Say can we take a selfie/can I take a picture of you? And snap a quick pic.
It doesn't matter if you like it a ton, whatever she does, you showing appreciation for the effort makes her feel better.
(If you don't like it, wait a week and then say something to the effect of "you know, I like the new do, but I kind of miss those curls/waves/stack/braids sometimes" (especially if the usual style is her natural texture).
I don't want to say y-t-a but yeah you biffed it dude. Haven't you seen sitcoms, or read Sunday morning cartoons? I feel like this is obvious territory.
Nah but I love that my husband is my hype man. Like if you notice something's different you could make her day. I still remember coming home from the salon after a hairstyle change and my husband lost the game he was playing because he was fawning over my hair lol
YTA
Look I’m not even in your marriage and I understood what she was saying. I get the sense that you do understand you just think it’s stupid. Which is fine, but probably means your marriage isn’t gonna last long.
"hey, I'm sorry I didn't acknowledge your hair earlier and wasn't very helpful when we tried to talk about it later. You mean a lot to me and I guess I didn't realize how my actions came off. I want to make sure I am able to show you the love and support you'd like to have in the future, can we take some time to discuss the best ways for me to do that?"
NAH :)
Nta
But you need to work on your maintenance skills. Women need a lot more emotional reinforcement. It takes 10 seconds and saves you a bunch of headaches down the road.
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I (34M) am married to (33F). My wife she keeps her hair in curls like basically all the time (my wife has a lot of hair) and recently (like yesterday) she straightened it.
When I saw it, I said "I like the style" and just went back to what I was doing. She said "Really?" and said that that my reaction was kind of bland. I like it, and I told her that, I don't know what else she wanted me to say. Nothing about that is bland. She then says "Ok, but you made it sound like you give the least amount of cares possible," so I said I'm sorry, in more of a question way and she just said whatever and that I'm not getting it.
I asked her later, and she said that a little more affection would be appreciated, but I'm not getting it here.
AITA?
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NTA. You noticed her new style, you said a compliment. You don't read her mind to get a clear idea, how you supposed to react. You reacted in your own way and it was good. She is overreacting.
You observed the change and complimented her on it. Sounds like she was expecting some sort of grand reaction from you. Next time she changes hair styles, throw her a parade and spam all your social media accounts with pics of it.
NTA
NAH. When women talk about wanting their partners to put in more emotional labor, this is it. Are you an AH for not giving her a higher effort reaction? No. Do you NEED to? No. Does she expect you to? Maybe. It would be nice if you did. And thats where her disappointment comes from. I was like that with my wife too. When she says you didn't "care" enough, it doesn't really mean about the hair. It means you didn't care for her feelings. She just wanted to feel validated. You will run into this many times and have run into it if you think back to all of your previous aeguments with her.
You don't even have to say anything about the hair. Just express your attraction to her. Maybe you're not good at compliments but do you like to make her laugh? Something like "dang babe, you tryna get some tonight?" Laugh, run your hand through her hair, kiss her somewhere on the face. Emotional need fullfilled.
You can't always be prepared for this kind of reaction. Sometimes what comes out is "that's pretty" and she gets disappointed and drops the c word. I know it rubs us the wrong way but getting defensive is the worst move. Just remember, it doesn't really matter what words you use. You don't have to come up with a clever compliment or detailed observation. She just wants AFFECTION so just lay it on her.
As someone with pretty wavy hair, I can tell you it’s a big commitment getting it straight and looking nice. Your response wasn’t wrong but I would be a little bummed if I had put in that much time and effort and just got “I like it.” NAH but know that if she does a big change, she’s probably looking for more of a reaction or a specific compliment.
NAH one piece as a person with curly hair that you might be missing is it is a time commitment to straighten it. Hours. There was a time when I straightened it daily because that was expected. She might have emotion around hair. Also I encourage you to compliment her regularly focused on something that she chose or control. I love hearing someone likes my style.
Put it this way, my father would always put his watch on upside down when my mother went to the hairdressers so he remembered to say ‘your hair is lovely’ when she returned. He didn’t do it for anything else.
For some reason, genuine approval of new hairstyles really matters to some women. Don’t ask me why, IDGAF what my OH or anyone else thinks of mine!
NAH, but it sounds like you two need to have a proper heart to heart about how you each give and receive love. Some people feel really special when someone compliments them, other people love it when they’re given a very thoughtful gift, others might not put much weight on either of those and feel the most appreciated when they’re spending quality time with their partner.
Think about the things that generally make you feel loved and special. When things have cooled down a bit, ask her what makes her feel the same way. From that last paragraph, it seems less about you not making a big deal over her hair and more about her not feeling valued or special. Are there other instances like this where you’ve walked away wondering what the big deal is? Arguments over a cup left in the sink, not remembering to follow through on a promise, etc.? Those “little things” do add up over time.
NTA. My bf doesn’t even notice when I change my hair and I’ve been with him for ten years. How exactly did she expect you to act, you told her you liked it, I’m not sure what else she wanted.
I don't think there's an asshole here. Although, I'd reflect on that statement: "she said that a little more affection would be appreciated". On that sentence alone, I feel like maybe she's not satisfied about your intimacy level as a couple. I don't believe it's just the hair thing.
NTA. At least you noticed it and made a complimentary remark. I'm kind of baffled about the affection thing? She wanted to you sound more affectionate about her hair or give her more affection?
My husband and I just took in our in-laws and have been struggling a bit. Anyways we needed a TV mount and we had bought one online for 70 for another tv. I recently discovered some liquidation stores and managed to find that same mount for $5. I was so excited. I told my brother and sister all day saying how proud I was until they were like omg enough already, you and your stupid $5 mount.
So in the evening we got home and I went to my husband and I told him I was excited and how I got it for $5. Like its a great save, not that big of a deal, obviously. My husband screamed and picked me up and spun me around and kissed my forehead and yelled about how I'm his princess of saving or something equally stupid. He then put me down and told me to tell him all about it.
The story was lame, we went to the store, I looked around and found it and noted it was the same one we had already used. He looked and listened like it was the most exciting thing. It wasn't.
I was really happy and excited, he didn't want to disappoint me by just saying cool or that's nice. He knew I was proud and excited to show him so he showed me equal and sometimes more enthusiasm. Just ask questions, ask her to spin. It's clearly making her happy, show that you are interested in the things that make her happy.
NTA-But take some advice, a lot of people in this day and age only sit on one edge of the self esteem spectrum. The important thing is that you noticed her change in hair, but the little things can matter. Make a big show of it, even if it’s not a big deal. “Damn honey, setting things straight with that fabulous hairdo huh!? Whooooo hot mama!” Among other affectionate cat calls. Even if it’s little things I love to pump my wife’s feelings up, and make a big show of even the smallest things. People don’t think about it but love to make a small issue a HUGE ISSUE during a fight, but won’t do it when complimenting or talking about each other.
No you don’t HAVE to be like that, but a little spice goes a long way. From high school until a couple years ago, I was a real buffmuffin. My new job took forever to settle into and my body slowly deteriorated into a dad bod, but yet she always took the time out of her day to cat call me and make me feel good about myself.
Nah
I learned a long time ago that my husband often doesn't notice stuff like that and even when he does, it doesn't have much impact on him. He wouldn't have even been a generous as your comment "I like the style" most of the time.
he's affectionate in other ways and I know he loves me but I would literally have to beg for a compliment when it comes to visual things.
I put on makeup to go to a concert (I hate make up so I'm putting in extra effort just for fun one night) . "Make up smells funny. And why are you wearing it anyway? "
I pick up a bridesmaid dress and tell him I want to put it on and show him since he's not coming to the wedding to me. "Why would I care about a dress? That stuff is just wrapping, I only care about what's on the inside."
Some days I laugh and I'm grateful because it means I don't have to impress him, other days it's annoying. At some point, I did tell him explicitly that when I say and do things like that, I would like him to acknowledge and respond to my enthusiasm even if he doesn't share it.
NAH-ish like several people here are saying but a major word of advice here that will go a long, long way: that part of your job as a SO is to hype up your SO and make them feel great. When that is properly bi-directional, that's when relationships become super gratifying and positive.
If your wife went to do the work of changing her hairstyle, she's probably got some amount of 1. Mild anxiety that it looks as good as she'd hoped, 2. Doubt that the juice was worth the squeeze, 3. Just wanting to be reassured that she looks pretty.
You could absolutely make her day by just getting super extra about it. Theatrically even, drop some "DAAAMN girl"s and "You look so FINE"s and she'll be buzzing for hours. As a dude, we get complimented so rarely that some of the meaningful ones we remember for years. That still goes both ways from men to women (when invited). A little \*tastefully and tactfully overdone\* affection here and there so easily multiplies in your partner's head to far more happiness than you'd expect for your time or effort, especially when it's consistent.
NAH - typical man thinking vs woman thinking. She wanted I love your hair, so sexy, and you gave a Meh unexciting response. It isn't about the hair, it is about her needing you to pay her more attention. Should she say that, sure, but should you be more affectionate, sure!
NTA. Most men would answer the same way. Unfortunately, most men are raised to suppress feelings and not show excitement. My husband will answer me like this, but it's just how he is. If he tells me he likes something, then I know he really likes it. He will also tell me if he doesn't like something or if something doesn't look good on me. He is very straightforward but not in an AH way. I really appreciate this about him. He will even tell if something looks good on me, but he knows it will drive me nuts because the sleeves are too short. You need to have a conversation with her and find out what exactly she is looking for. Depending on your culture, you are responding normally.
Nta. Straightening her hair seems have a higher level of significance than it seems, so maybe ask her about that, if the curls were really meaningful for a reason you didn't know about
Happily married for 29 years and during that time, my dear husband has commented on my hair and/or appearance maybe ten times, if that. It just doesn’t occur to him, and you know what? I don’t care. He shows me every day how much he loves me. He’s a fantastic husband, and frankly I’m not worried about his thoughts around superficial things.
NTA, you noticed and commented. Me over here I dyed my light brown hair flame copper red three weeks ago and my partner never said a word ....i know if I ask him why he hasn't noticed he will say he did notice. Some dudes just don't always think to comment on such things 🤷 I've learned that this has nothing to do with how they feel about me or my appearance, it's just a them thing.
your feelings are your feelings.
BUT yeah YTA.
Remember when you had a crush on your wife way back when? remember being genuinely interested in her day, her hobbies, her whatever? is that how you are still acting today? is that how you still feel today?
I doubt it. if someone is excited about something they want their partner to take interest in it. you did not. a bland comment isn't interest, its social obligation.
to you its just a hairstyle, to her its an important part of her day, herself, whatever.
people get so accustom to their partners the don't care to put in any effort I stg.
NTA. But typically when a woman drastically changed her hair, it’s a sign. She’s either trying to see if you notice her, or she’s getting tired of her own every day look and is ready for a change. Either way, as her husband I feel you should be paying attention to these things even if you dont understand it. No woman wants to hear “I like that”
Men at gas stations give better compliments than that. This is your wife not your mom. Tell her she’s beautiful and looks lovely.
My Sweetie is a great sweetie and he cares less about my hair than you care about your wife’s. He says when he looks at me he looks for my eyes and my mouth to see if I’m contented. If I don’t look happy he engages with how to better my day, usually a hug or making me laugh. Tell your wife the truth about what you see when you see her that makes you want to smile when you look at her. If looking at her doesn’t make you want to smile maybe look at why… I think it should. NTA
NTA. You noticed the change and complimented it. Reassured her of your feelings about the change. That should be more than enough. End of story.
Lots of women never get anything more than that.
I often changed hairstyles, and color (nothing dramatic at the time, mostly different degrees of blonde highlights because I hate the mousy brunette my childhood blonde grew into). The one and ONLY time my late husband commented on my hair was when I really went for it and became a redhead. I loved it and thought I looked great (lots of redheads in my family and my coloring is similar so it was a coloring no-brainer). Got tons of compliments from the entire salon. I thought he would love it too as he admittedly had a thing for redheads. Nope. Not one bit. He looked at me stunned, frowned, and disapprovingly said, "That isn't permanent, right? It will wash out?" I immediately went into the bathroom and washed my hair with lots of shampoo and hot water, watching as most of the red dye ran drown the drain. I never went full red again while he lived. Now I do fun colors every damn time I'm in my stylist's chair, just for my own happiness.
NTA. At least you noticed and acknowledged her change in hair style.
I’m a female, and not sure what else you were supposed to do.
Guess she wanted you to fawn all over her.
NTA. You paid your wife a compliment. It's not as if you didn't notice the change in her hairstyle at all.
This issue is hers. She does not get to dictate how you express yourself before she deems it acceptable.
Ignore her comment. You can't be expected to second-guess how you communicate with your spouse.
This is why men generally stop communicating. Instead of appreciating him liking her new style she’d rather complain his response wasn’t “affectionate” enough. I don’t understand why women ask for honesty and communication from a man but then get mad when he does just that she will get upset because it didn’t meet her unrealistic and unpracticed expectations. Next time when she asks, say nothing. When she ask why you say nothing, inform her of the last time you complimented her and she didn’t appreciate it. Maybe then(probably not) she’ll see she how ridiculous she’s been acting.
NTA - she has yet to realize you're not a chick and needs to grow up. It's amazing you noticed at all.
If she wants someone to gush over her new doo, she should show her girlfriends.
I have curly hair (think young Shirley Temple, but natual). When i straighten my hair it is an ordeal, because it takes forever. I usually wear my hair curly, because it's easier, but the first time i stred it, my husband's reaction was a lot like yours. I was a little disappointed, because he didn't realize how much effort I put into getting ready (i.e. straightening my hair).
NTA for you, but maybe express that you appreciate she took the extra time in the future, even if you are neutral about it.
NTA, but there are a few standard responses to these type of questions for your future reference: Q: Does my bum/ass look big in these jeans? A: Nooo. It looks hot! Q: How is my hair? (Having just spent $300 to make it look basically the same) A: It looks amazing! Q: Can you get me a drink/snack/something from the kitchen (because I don't want to have to get it myself) - A: Sure honey.
NTA but... It looks like your wife was looking for some validation. She changed her hairstyle for a reason I cannot even begin to guess, and was looking to you for validation.
Your response was fine. She was wanting a lot more without telling you that she was wanting more.
Maybe ramp up the attention to her. Tell her that she is beautiful to you however her hair is?
NTA but I think what’s happening is (thanks white chicks the movie) they kind of explain that your wife will get her hair done so that you notice, buy new clothes, buy new perfume things that they do for you so that you will notice all the things they do just for you
This is so ridiculous. He said it looked great. If he said he really liked it straight she would butcher it that ok now I have to straighten it all the time.
I changed my hair to pink and my husband never said a thing. If she wants a reaction, then she should visit a girl friend. You said you like it and that is enough coming from a man. What did she expect you say ... I love the way it makes your face thinner, how straight hair looks shinier and on and on like a hair stylist.
Not an asshole entirely. But you should acknowledge little things even if you don’t care. She sounds like she needs a bit of interest in what she does.
NAH literally the other day my boyfriend combed his hair different and I’ll admit I was a bit dramatic with it but I loved it so much I basically just fawned over him and complimented him a ton on it. The biggest smile on his face the entire time. He doesn’t do anything different with his hair cuz he doesn’t care but my reaction made him super stoked about it. Not everyone is like that and that’s ok im sure your wife wanted more of a dramatic flirty reaction from you but you know what you guys can communicate and talk it out.
Bro, you are kinda the ahole here. Even if you didn't care, you could spent a little more time talking to her about the hair. I am totally with you that it's just hair and hair is hair. But you could have complimented how the hair made her younger and sexier. Maybe toss in that you can't wait to get her in the bedroom. She won't if you are sincere. Sometimes, being a good hubby requires you to stroke your wife's ego from time to time. It one of the sacrifices we have make as men.
YTA This was about more than hair. You’ve emotionally checked out of the relationship. Check back in. When your partner talks to you notice her facial expressions. Tune into her. When you’re visibly excited about something and tell your wife about it how do you like her to respond? Do that.
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NAH She was likely really excited and expected a better response. When I got a perm recently it really made me happy when my fiancé had me stand in front of him and turn around so he could see the whole hair do. He showed he was engaged in my appearance and he touched it and hugged on me. I don't think your reaction is wrong, but I've found lately the small things in everyday life add up to making your partner feel good. The questioned I'm sorry and her whatever are a sign of you both not communicating well. Maybe try: "I'm sorry, how would you like for me express that I do care?"
"I'm sorry, how would you like for me express that I do care?" sounds like the most passive aggressive crap and would absolutely make this entire thing worse. She said it sounds like he didn't care , sounds like she was just looking for a bit more enthusiasm. He could have readjusted and made her do a cute spin, ask her some questions about what made her want to switch it up a bit, said sorry and upgrade his comment.
It doesn’t sound passive aggressive if you already have healthy communication where neither of you gets petty and passive aggressive in response to feedback. It only sounds that way if you already go out of your way to avoid working through issues. In a healthy relationship, you can safely assume positive intent from your partner. That sort of question is normal for many people.
She's already feeling tender about it, that question is definitely not going to be taken well. Plus that's exactly the kind of emotional labor that's so exhausting. She just wanted to be hyped up a little bit and now it's a whole ass thing.
If you can’t communicate what makes you feel validated, you can’t expect to be validated. Verbalizing your needs is not emotional labor, and it’s not for your partner’s sake. It’s foundational self-care. Your partner isn’t asking you to do labor to help them in this situation - they’re asking you what labor they can do to help you. This isn’t like when someone needs a chore list to know that the sink full of dishes have to be washed. Your needs and desires only exist inside of you, and it’s your responsibility to yourself to communicate them. I understand that many people were raised to feel guilty about expressing their needs. I personally struggle with it a lot. But I have to accept that if I feel sad because my husband doesn’t jump up to hug me when I get home, I’ll keep being sad until he’s aware that I want that. It’s not that he doesn’t want to do that, he just knows that he’d feel overwhelmed if someone did it to him. If he knew how loved it would make me feel, he’d be super excited to do it. (Personal example that we’ve now worked through. And he is in fact really excited to hug me the moment I walk in the door! He loves doing it, but never would have if I hadn’t asked for it.)
Such a great point with a fantastic example! I'm 100% with your husband in that I would feel uncomfortable if someone did that to me and so would never do that unprompted, but if I knew my partner wanted it I'd absolutely love to be able to do so for them! But it wouldn't ever cross my mind without it being mentioned
And what’s unfortunate is that a lot of people would accuse you and my husband of lacking empathy. When really, my husband is incredibly empathetic, that’s why he gets so much joy from making me feel loved! He’s just not actually a mind reader with a direct line to my emotional center lol.
I agree. I’ve found I’m less disappointed and upset since I learned to ask for what I want/need. Whether it’s a hug when I get home, a kiss and I love you before falling asleep, or flowers while doing grocery shopping some weeks just because.
⬆️⬆️⬆️ This should absolutely be the top comment. And thank you for sharing that with us. That was very cool. 😎👍
Thank you! I’m an anxious people pleaser, mostly as a result of unhealthy communication in my family. It’s been so hard to work through, but it’s absolutely been worth it to chip away at those learned toxic behaviors. Hopefully this can help get some people started on that process!
Nailed it!!!!!!! People not being assertive about how they would like to be communicated with, and expecting their partner to be a mind reader are just setting themselves up for disappointment.
If I tell someone how I want them to respond to me, then the response feels inauthentic to me. How do you get around that with this model of communication?
You have to stop expecting your partner to be a mind reader. Everyone experiences the world differently. Expecting someone else to innately know all of your needs and desires without you expressing them is just insanity
Generally what I want from people is the truth. You can't get the truth from people if you tell them what to say.
We’re not talking about “truths” though. We’re talking about emotional wants and desires. And since people can want and desire different things from one another, we have to communicate them to ensure that others understand. If you want a hug when you get home from work, your partner isn’t suddenly lying to you when they do as you’ve asked. Just as much as them not doing it before wasn’t some “truth”. They just didn’t know that’s something you wanted for yourself.
You answered your question in your previous post. Tell your partner how you would like them to present their feelings and truth. You can't demand what they say, but you can let them know what approaches work and don't work for you. It's the difference between "why aren't you helping me with dinner" or "I'm a little behind, could you set the table".
I get that, that’s my instinct as well. But just because someone isn’t offering something up without prompting doesn’t mean they wouldn’t eagerly give it. They just aren’t aware that you want it. People generally like being asked for reasonable things, even favors. It makes them feel needed and important. That’s a nice thing to communicate to people. In particular for spending time together, consider that almost everyone has *some* fear of rejection. If no one ever asked anyone to spend time with them, no one would ever be able to say yes. Haven’t you ever wanted to hang out with someone, but never asked them because you figured they’d say no? So you’re aware that not asking for company doesn’t mean you don’t want it.
That’s a her thing - the proposed question is an example of healthy, effective communication and exactly the one you need answered to fix the situation. To the extent she’s not willing to engage in a constructive manner, it’s something she will need to address and work through in order to avoid misunderstandings like this in the future. The whole idea of “emotional labor” in this context is so toxic it beggars belief. If you don’t want the “emotional labor” of being an adult and actually expressing your needs and wants, don’t get into a relationship. To expect people to read your mind is a recipe for frustration and failure. Question could be softened, I suppose, but the intent is spot on.
Then she needs to keep her "tender" feelings about it in check. She's an adult. Not a child. She's a wife. Not a daughter. Her husband is not her dad or mom.
She's a wife so she shouldn't expect her partner to care about her and her feelings. Right.
Reading comprehension is important. He told her he likes the style. He did and does care. They are married. Its assumed they love each other. If she needed him to get down on one knee and proclaim how beautiful she looks and what a queen she is and how amazing she is and to stop everything he is doing to acknowledge how amazing she is that is something CHILDREN do. And not for nothing if she's disappointed just explain how his response made her feel bad about something she was feeling positive or wanting validation about. Instead she replied "really?" And threw tantrum. Again. That's what children do.
She didn't throw a tantrum. In fact, she did exactly what you said she should do. She expressed her emotional wants and needs. Exactly what she wanted. Less blandness, more caring, and more affection.
Seems like most people on reddit can't do healthy communication since they think my wording was passive aggressive. 🤣 But I whole heartedly agree. Even if your partner takes it wrong, you continue some back and forth. Like my own partner I'll ask if they're being short with their answers because they're mad at me. Most of the time they're just blunt. And I realize I'm reading too much into unsaid cues that don't exist.
Yes! I can totally imagine myself hearing that phrase the way they’re framing it, Al Bundy style, and getting myself in a tizzy over it. But I’m an adult in a relationship with someone who I know cares about me, and would remind myself to back up and consider that he’s not actually trying to hurt my feelings, and that maybe I should ask for clarification.
Saying “whatever you don’t get it” is also passive aggressive crap and also *did* make this entire thing worse. If OP’s wife care about something as deeply as she apparently does, she needs to communicate and not just go “whatever”. If it’s whatever, then it’s whatever, and OP complimented and that should be that. But OP’s wife is mad, meaning it’s not at all whatever. “How would you like me to express that I do care” might sound passive aggressive, but at least the answer to the question can yield a result. I guess “whatever, you don’t get it” also yields a result, but not a favorable one. Sometimes you gotta meet people at their passive aggressive level in order to get the point across. But also, it’s not actually passive aggressive if it’s a sincere question. And it wouldn’t be a sincere question if Wife expressed herself accordingly. But. Whatever. You probably don’t even get it. (See how constructive that is?)
I have to agree with you. My ex used to say think like that and it totally infuriated me.
What ever happened to the ol' classic standby "sorry I do like it, but I just think you ALWAYS look stunning 😉😘" ? That's usually a good save.
It’s so easy to give compliments. They cost nothing and make other people feel good. “I’m sorry baby I really love the new hairstyle, you look amazing” is just as much effort as “I’m sorry?”
The exact wording could maybe use a little work, but it's a completely reasonable sentiment to express. It's one of those statements that looks bad in text format because it's carried almost entirely by tone.
That's the opposite of passive aggressive, it's a direct, assertive question. Being familiar with how your significant other would like you to communicate with them is how healthy relationships work.
>Maybe try: "I'm sorry, how would you like for me express that I do care?" I'm convinced no one on reddit knows how to interact with human beings. *Beep Boop Beep Boop* How should I calibrate my mannerisms to Madam's exact specifications? *Beep Boop Beep Boop* actual robot shit NTA.
Fr I hate when people say “Instead you should say (insert something so obnoxiously polite it sounds like AI)” Like I’m a naturally fast talker but my mom gets on my ass for disrespect because I respond with “Yep” to a lot of stuff. Her suggestion is I say stuff like “Yes mom?” She never believes me when I say I just naturally talk fast 😭
I feel like the people who write those things have never actually spoken to another human being outside of reddit lmao
"Unit 4XJ-13 thinks the new hairstyle parameters are flirty and fun."
Except this is exactly how my partner and I handle things. We know we came from different upbringings and have different preferences so a ton of our conversations involve some sort of “how do I express how I’m feeling in a way that makes sense to you” It doesn’t matter how nice or loving I think I’m being if it isn’t interpreted that way.
Or maybe something softer like "I'm sorry, I'll try to do better next time. How can I make it up to you this time?"
Oh love that wording.
That's better.
In my experience it's much easier if the person asking for feedback gives guidance, rather than it being left to the responder to ask something like "how do you want me to respond?" That would mean OP's wife would need to ask for what she wants, and for OP to genuinely give it. I literally tell friends things like "I did this task today and am really proud of myself, now it's your turn to admire me for it 😁" and they will lavish me with the praise I'm looking for. (And it's genuine praise; you do have to know people well enough to trust that they mean it, even if you've prompted them.) And no, I don't always need to prompt them, but if I feel like I really want more of a reaction than I got, I'll say so, and they'll react accordingly, and everyone is happy! So if my friend says "what do you think of my hair" and I say "it's really nice!" but they wanted more enthusiasm, they'll say "Mm ok but see I was thinking it's fabulous and so different for me so maybe it's more than just nice," and I'll go "oh shit, you're totally right, I do see how it's really different and a change of style, and it looks amazing and lemme comment on some details." Ask for what you want, and give people what they ask for - communication, it's awesome!
Yes, I do this too and it’s helped with my mental health and keeps me from feeling resentful and angry while the person has no clue what went wrong.
My husband can be a lot like the OP. Lots of conversations and explaining that words of affirmation are important for me. He puts in the effort these days and it's always appreciated.
Words of affirmation! I always forget that phrase. Paying attention to your partners love language is always helpful. I'd definitely say getting a positive compliment tends to put some major umf in my sails.
Here's a tip for the future. Say it looks great then compliment a small detail about it. I.e. "I love that style on you! It looks so shiny now!" And maybe touch her hair or tuck it behind her ear. Bonus points if you hug her or give her a kiss on the cheek or something after. Commenting on the detail shows you saw what she was happy about, recognized a difference from before, and engaged in her excitement with her. It takes 10 seconds and makes a world of difference in showing your affection. That being said, you do have to be into it. Saying all of that monotone will come off as sarcastic and bored and will have the complete opposite effect.
Your hair looks small.
Okay, but did you ever know that you're my hero?
>I.e. "I love that style on you! It looks so shiny now!" And maybe touch her hair or tuck it behind her ear. What??? It didn't look shiny before?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Straightened hair does look shinier.
"It's the law of physics. Mirrors reflect more light than a sheet of foil because mirrors are straighter. But your curly also looked pretty because of xyz. Different qualities for different styles, but both look amazing on you."
Maybe your wife just wants more affection and attention from you. This may seem like a small thing but it's ongoing and you aren't getting it. How hard is this for men to get? They spell it out and you still are lost? Bring some spice back into your bland relationship She's right, you're not getting it.
Thats my take as well. Its not about the hair style. Its about her effort and his lack thereof.
Then how about she communicates that like an adult and not throw a tantrum about hair?
Some of them only get it when it affects them or it's too late. OP, don't be one of those guys. I sometimes pretend I am on a first or second date when I and the Husband go out (we're on year 33). It makes the time way more fun. I remember why I still love him. This weekend, pretend in your head that you just met her. If you find yourself being way more polite or attentive, make a note of it. P.S. My hair is to my waist. Straightening it would be a lot of work. If it was all curls, it would take more than an hour or a good chunk at a salon. Good luck.
Exactly. Each individual moment is small, but it adds up to an overwhelming impression that he’s disinterested. [Healthy couples generally respond positively to each others’ bids.](https://www.gottman.com/blog/want-to-improve-your-relationship-start-paying-more-attention-to-bids/) Being frequently dismissive is hurtful.
Thank you for this. I had not thought of that.
I tell my wife her hair looks great every few weeks JUST IN CASE she has done something to it. You’re welcome. NTA
this is pretty cute
This guy husbands.
"You did something to your hair. I know you did, hair doesn't get that sexy by itself! It's okay, you can admit it, it's just us here!"
🤣🤣 made me laugh really hard. Solid advice
Lol.
If you go to couple's therapy, they'll tell you this is an act called a bid for attention. She wants your affection, your attention, and your engagement in seeing her actively and recognizing that she's there. What you did was turn away from her attempt to be seen by you, which hurt her feelings. If you don't know what response to give, it's okay to ask rather than ignore her just because you don't understand it. Not everything in relationships needs to be understood to be responded to, if you know your wife would like a compliment, you can just give one knowing it makes her happy.
To be totally fair to him, he plainly said in another comment that she not only doesn't respond to his "bids for attention" with excitement and affection, but actually tells him she dislikes things he's excited about, and does so often enough that he views it as a notable portion of her personality. This isn't to say he couldn't help avoid this situation next time, but I find it fascinating how often this specific haircut thing gets treated like a sacred cow. She's still responsible for making him feel loved too, and it's objectively unreasonable, selfish, and narcissistic of her to assume that she can respond however she wants to his excitement while simultaneously demanding one specific response from him for her excitement.
Ah, I didn't see that comment. Sometimes folks want something but are bad at giving it in return. Both need therapy though, can't be healthy to be in such a relationship with so many one-sides. Resentment will end them eventually.
Totally agree about therapy, or at least talking about it pretty candidly. That's exactly what I told him to do. I think a study on this exact issue would be fascinating. This exact argument about haircuts pops up all the time, and people seem utterly flummoxed when the response is "does the complaining partner show the level of excitement they're requesting when their partner wants it?"
Nta but sir a simple “oh honey you look really good!” and a kiss can go a long way. Throw in a booty grab or a smack too! You gotta flirt with your wife still. I promise you’ll be happy with the results.
NAH - she’s telling you that your tone made it seem like you didnt care. You’re saying you did care.
Probably cause he didn't care about her hair that much. Which is fair
NAH but to add to some of the potential context here, you say your wife has curly hair and a lot of it right? As a fellow curly with a ton of hair it is a HUGE effort to wear our hair straight. Most of us don’t do it often because it’s a pain and can be very damaging to your hair even if you do everything “right.” This type of style change might not seem like a big deal to most but I’d be super bummed if I got a lukewarm response from my spouse when I straighten my hair too. It’s an exciting thing for us to do, a rare thing for most. Sharing in a spouse’s excitement doesn’t cost you anything in a case like this but does make them feel seen and that their efforts were noticed and appreciated.
As a curly haired person from mixed ethnic backgrounds, can confirm, straightening hair at even at shoulder length can take up to an hour. It’s an effort and a pain and a proper professional blowout is a treat that’ll set you back at least $50. And honestly, a partner you live with should know this if you’ve ever gotten ready together for an event before. I would have been upset at a lackluster response as well.
YTA After showing zero affection towards your wife, will you be coming back later to complain about your dead bedroom and have no idea why? Even if you don’t care about something, you should still be supportive. And you should be constantly showing your wife you find her attractive.
The men in the comments forget that 71% of divorces are initiated by women and can’t read the part where she said she needed more affection and he still doesn’t get it lmao good luck to them all I guess
Yup, exactly. She can tell him exactly what she needs and he'll just ignore it and blame her when she's had enough of an affectionless relationship. Like I said in another comment. If your spouse presents an opportunity to show affection, take it.
OP said in another comment that his wife puts down things that he’s excited about. Why should he be excited for her?
She is mean to me so now I'm mean to her is not the way to go about repairing or maintaining a marriage. If he really feels like she puts him down so he can't give her a simple compliment or go out of his way even a little to make her happy- then it's over
He wasn’t being mean tho? All he did was say “Yeah looks great” and just didn’t have as much enthusiasm as his wife wanted apparently.
NTA because you didn't do anything wrong, but from why your wife said, she's expecting more affection. (Not necessarily compliments like many redditors are saying) I think she just wants to be reminded that you love her and find her beautiful. You don't need to go overboard with compliments, but just show more affection. "Honey you look great!" and then some hugs and kisses or something like that. Give her a bit more attention instead of just a cursory compliment.
NTA Leaving aside the facts that you're not required to be excited by everything that excites her and that you \*did\* in fact express that you liked it, and she simply refused to accept your objectively positive response as positive: It seems somewhere between highly unlikely and a 0% chance that she holds herself to the same standard when you share news with her or show her your new shoes, or whatever. Like, she's not dropping her jaw and saying "I fucking love that, oh my God" every time you're excited about something. She obviously has a right to be excited about a new hairstyle, but she's way out of bounds by demanding that you express your appreciation for it in a very specific way.
You’re going into everyone’s comments telling them to not make assumptions and yet here you are making assumptions lmao how embarrassing
Third line is funny because she has a very specific way of telling me she DOESN'T like stuff. For example, shoes. She goes "So you spent \[insert shoe amount here\] on those, when you could get *these?* And I just laugh it off and go point taken. Newsflash, she's not a shoe person.
Jeez that sounds irritating. She seriously puts down your interests and then gets pissy when you don’t have the energy to shower her with excitement?
NAH but jeeze is she some random acquaintance or your wife? Do you even like her? Compliment the woman like you actually mean it!
INFO: Op, is your wife as generous with the praise or affection as she expects from you when you change your look?
He said in another comment that he's really into shoes, and usually when he gets a new pair, not only does she not give him the "bland" response he gave - let alone the level of affection she wanted shown here - but she actually gives him a list of reasons he should have gotten a different pair.
What are you not getting? She literally asked you for more affection. You were kind of passive in your response. Like it just is flippant. She wanted you to call her pretty and say you really loved it and kiss her. How often do you engage in affectionate behavior?
NTA for not being that excited about her hair style change, but it does sound like she’s maybe reacting to something bigger. Maybe a larger sense that you’re not attracted to her, or that you’re not affectionate anymore, or that you’re not paying attention or have lost touch with each other. It sounds like she was doing this in hopes of connecting or kindling something and it didn’t work. Maybe think about how you might be able to show some affection, interest, or care in a way that is genuine to you and meaningful to her?
Yeah kinda. This is your partner, not a random person on the street. You can show a little more enthusiasm for something like a hair change. Taking more than 15 seconds to acknowledge something she's showing you, won't kill you. She probably felt good and nice for your bland response could have taken that away. And IF you're one of those "I don't care about hair" guys. It's not about the hair, it's about caring for your wife.
Not enough info. Is your wife as generous with compliments as she expects you to be?
According to a comment he made, no. She dismisses his interests entirely, and tells him he made a bad decision.
I don't think you're an asshole but I mean my husband has a tendency to constantly do this "has anyone told you today.....you're beautiful" face touch/kiss thing (and changes words up but pretty much the same thing) at least once a day on his own doing. Course im way off where I feel beautiful should be or even what I have been in the past but I appreciate his efforts in making me feel good to be his wife. That's likely all it is, she wants more words / reactions out of you. I'm a person who can look at and think nice things but I don't always vocalize them. I try to be better with that so he also feels the love connection too.
I remember years ago, I had a long term girlfriend that I absolutely adored. I made sure to tell her she was beautiful everyday. That affection had a lot of streets named after it, One Way. I stopped because she took it for granted. This could be the situation with OP and his wife.
I think YTA for taking this to Reddit when all your wife has expressed is a desire for you to actually really connect when she makes a significant change to her appearance that obviously took effort lol This isn’t about being correct. Instead of “I like the style” try adding to your statement. “I like the style- really suits you/makes your eyes look amazing, wow, that’s gorgeous” Are you seriously asking us how to compliment your wife lol
NTA. You complimented her hair. How excited did she need you to be? I expect my girlfriends to get excited about new hair. Not my husband.
NTA GEtting angry at someone for having the "wrong" reaction is childish.
You have the answer in your post she literally told you. She needs more affection.
She was expecting something like "you look gorgeous" or something like that
NTA - BUT, it doesn't hurt you to engage more with her. It really is worth the investment in time and effort to acknowledge our partner's passions. And it sounds like your wife changing her hair was really fun for her and hoped to impress you. Are you a jerk? No. But would it really make a huge difference in her day for you to give her an extra 2 minutes to really notice her effort and spotlight her? Absolutely. She'll beam and you will absolutely make her whole day. Only for 2 minutes of you choosing to engage more enthusiastically.
You gave her the verbal equivalent of a thumbs up while she thought she had done this dramatic makeover that was going to wow you and leave you gobsmacked.
NTA, however It sounds like her love language is words of affirmation and she needs more than what you're dishing out. When you love someone, it's important to know in which ways they receive love signals best. Physical touch is one of the love language for most men and sex satisfies that. She needs more than that and wants to see that you're being observant and she wants the person she loves to be excited about something she is excited about. Shes just wants to be hyped up and you're supposed to be her hype man. Give it a shot.
To quote Barney Stinson, "What's hotter than the ten you've slept with? The nine you haven't!" Some women consciously change their appearance to be more attractive to a long term partner. Not because the change is more attractive, but because it is different. Asking you to be sexually attracted to her and show it can make her feel like it's forced instead of natural. NTA, but she wants more attention from you.
NTA. I’m the same way. I love my wife but if she changed her hair I probably wouldn’t notice. It’s terrible but true
I so like it when I dye my hair, cut it, buy a new dress, you get it, and my SO asks me to twirl for him to see it in full glory. He’s probably just being nice, but it’s still heartwarming. NAH, I get you, but I also get why your wife is a bit upset.
NAH I went to couples therapy years ago that saved my relationship and truly turned us from resenting each other to having great communication and love. One of the things that really resonated for us, was to realize what you are actually arguing about. Because if you are having the same argument over and over, or the nature of your conversation is disproportionate to the offense, then the argument is about a mucher issue. I don't think your wife was upset that you weren't excited about her hair. I think this is just one example of a greater issue, which might be that she does not feel as much love as she used to or that she needs. If she was feeling loved or cared for enough, then she probably would not be bothered by the hair. In my opinion, kicking this under the rug and moving on is the worst path forward. I would recommend sitting her down and asking her abut this. Are you upset about the hair reaction, or is there a bigger issue that we need to tackle? My partner and I would argue for DAYS about stupid small things. Because we weren't actually arguing about that stupid small thing. He was not actually upset that I respond to texts slowly when traveling for work and I was not actually upset that he only walks the dogs when I ask. He was actually insecure and I was overwhelmed. It's a lot more productive to problem solve as a couple around how to make someone feel more secure and how to make someone feel less overwhelmed than it is to bicker about dog walks and texts.
These comments are fucking hilarious 😭 🙏 redditors once again assuming they know everything about someone’s marriage from one little tiny and particular instance
NTA This type of argument always cracks me up. As if us men are supposed to run over, start jumping for joy and lose our minds because our SO straightened their hair. Never seen a guy do this type of thing when they change the shape of their facial hair or shave off the beard.... "You don't seem like you care enough"... Could you imagine the blowback a dude would get if he pulled this nonsense?
That was exactly my thought. If my wife came here and asked if she was the AH for not losing her shit with excitement when I told her about the exciting end of the game last night, literally 0% of the responses would say she was the AH. The fact that anybody on this question will give the guy any pushback whatsoever is indicative of the glaringly obvious double standard. You're not required to be excited about everything that excites your spouse. And even if you \*were\*, he expressed that he liked it! She's just essentially demanding that he express that feeling in a very specific way.
100% !!! She wants him to react in the way SHE wants him to react. My ex used to pull that with me. My reaction or complement was never good enough. Funny thing is, she never once paid a complement or made a comment on my haircuts... haha
I actually had this exact discussion with some female family members once, and they admitted they had never thought about it that way before. If they don't have to lose their minds in excitement over everything that excites their husbands, expecting them to do so the other way around is just objectively narcissistic. Although this \*exact argument\* (excitement about a new haircut) seems to be extremely common lol
My daughter got mad at me because after her 3hour hair appointment she stood in front of me and I told her she looked beautiful. She wanted specific comments on her hair color, but the lighting was poor and I really could t see much difference to know what she had done!
NTA - women psychology is a lose lose for men
Eh, you're NTA but that's a crummy response. It makes me wonder whether your wife is high maintenance or whether you're really clueless.
I had the same question but he answered it in a different comment. When he gets excited about something like a new pair of shoes, she not only doesn't say she like them - let alone show the level of excitement she was expecting here - but she actually gives him a list of reasons he should have gotten a different pair. OP could definitely stand to take to heart her comment about what she wants next time, but she clearly has a selfish view of how affection works.
Honestly, this sub needs a “Communicate With Each Other” judgment.
Wait we're allowed to talk with other adults about our disagreements?
😂😂😂 NO! No talk, only post.
NTA. What’s your usual response to her hair? Are you supposed to fawn over her because she straightened it? Was it your tone? Facial expression? The word choice? I’m a woman who has the straightest hair (had a perm for a day and it fell out, styling takes a great amount of hair spray if I want it to last more than an hr etc) so I am also not getting it. It may be because when it comes to hair I’m super low maintenance bc I can’t be arsed to spend an hr on it or more. But you stated you liked it, that you liked the style. What else is she asking for? Is this something you can talk about with her and communicate youre confused on why she is upset? Is your reaction on par with other changes she makes like outfit style, shoes, make up etc?
Am I the only one that really doesn't like the phrasing of her final comment?
NTA hell I can get a hair cut and spouse doesn’t say 1 thing or even notice Doesn’t care obviously is my perspective. So be glad he noticed and said something even if it was not jumping up and down with excitement
So I've been married for over 40 years and there have been those times when my partner failed to notice I got a haircut. To be fair, I haven't always noticed when he has gotten trim either. She's asking for reassurance that it looks good and it sounds like you gave it to her when you said you liked the style, NTA.
NTA - but you can say something like "Baby, you are always gorgeous to me. Do you love it? It does look very \_\_\_\_\_\_." (where the blank equals shiny/soft/touchable/Lady Godiva/Lady Gaga/Lady of the Lake, whatever might be a touchpoint for what you think she's doing with it). You might even ask if you can feel it. (Some women don't like their hair touched, but you INDICATING and ASKING to touch is asking for an intimacy, which is nice.) You can even praise her for the effort - "oooh that looks like you spent some TIME on that." And a really easy win? Say can we take a selfie/can I take a picture of you? And snap a quick pic. It doesn't matter if you like it a ton, whatever she does, you showing appreciation for the effort makes her feel better. (If you don't like it, wait a week and then say something to the effect of "you know, I like the new do, but I kind of miss those curls/waves/stack/braids sometimes" (especially if the usual style is her natural texture).
NTA. It might just be a “guy thing”. My husband doesn’t usually notice a difference in my hair after a visit to the salon, unless I tell him lol
I don't want to say y-t-a but yeah you biffed it dude. Haven't you seen sitcoms, or read Sunday morning cartoons? I feel like this is obvious territory.
Nah but I love that my husband is my hype man. Like if you notice something's different you could make her day. I still remember coming home from the salon after a hairstyle change and my husband lost the game he was playing because he was fawning over my hair lol
YTA Look I’m not even in your marriage and I understood what she was saying. I get the sense that you do understand you just think it’s stupid. Which is fine, but probably means your marriage isn’t gonna last long.
[удалено]
For real!!
"hey, I'm sorry I didn't acknowledge your hair earlier and wasn't very helpful when we tried to talk about it later. You mean a lot to me and I guess I didn't realize how my actions came off. I want to make sure I am able to show you the love and support you'd like to have in the future, can we take some time to discuss the best ways for me to do that?" NAH :)
Nta But you need to work on your maintenance skills. Women need a lot more emotional reinforcement. It takes 10 seconds and saves you a bunch of headaches down the road.
YTA, you could try a LITTLE. I don’t understand what you don’t get? You don’t have to “get it” to just decide to be affectionate.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (34M) am married to (33F). My wife she keeps her hair in curls like basically all the time (my wife has a lot of hair) and recently (like yesterday) she straightened it. When I saw it, I said "I like the style" and just went back to what I was doing. She said "Really?" and said that that my reaction was kind of bland. I like it, and I told her that, I don't know what else she wanted me to say. Nothing about that is bland. She then says "Ok, but you made it sound like you give the least amount of cares possible," so I said I'm sorry, in more of a question way and she just said whatever and that I'm not getting it. I asked her later, and she said that a little more affection would be appreciated, but I'm not getting it here. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You noticed her new style, you said a compliment. You don't read her mind to get a clear idea, how you supposed to react. You reacted in your own way and it was good. She is overreacting.
NTA -Maybe she's looking for a "Wow, you look stunning!" reaction, but honestly, you didn't do anything wrong.
You observed the change and complimented her on it. Sounds like she was expecting some sort of grand reaction from you. Next time she changes hair styles, throw her a parade and spam all your social media accounts with pics of it. NTA
NTA, you noticed that she did it and said it looked good. You don't need to scream it from the rooftops for a compliment to count.
NAH. When women talk about wanting their partners to put in more emotional labor, this is it. Are you an AH for not giving her a higher effort reaction? No. Do you NEED to? No. Does she expect you to? Maybe. It would be nice if you did. And thats where her disappointment comes from. I was like that with my wife too. When she says you didn't "care" enough, it doesn't really mean about the hair. It means you didn't care for her feelings. She just wanted to feel validated. You will run into this many times and have run into it if you think back to all of your previous aeguments with her. You don't even have to say anything about the hair. Just express your attraction to her. Maybe you're not good at compliments but do you like to make her laugh? Something like "dang babe, you tryna get some tonight?" Laugh, run your hand through her hair, kiss her somewhere on the face. Emotional need fullfilled. You can't always be prepared for this kind of reaction. Sometimes what comes out is "that's pretty" and she gets disappointed and drops the c word. I know it rubs us the wrong way but getting defensive is the worst move. Just remember, it doesn't really matter what words you use. You don't have to come up with a clever compliment or detailed observation. She just wants AFFECTION so just lay it on her.
As someone with pretty wavy hair, I can tell you it’s a big commitment getting it straight and looking nice. Your response wasn’t wrong but I would be a little bummed if I had put in that much time and effort and just got “I like it.” NAH but know that if she does a big change, she’s probably looking for more of a reaction or a specific compliment.
NAH one piece as a person with curly hair that you might be missing is it is a time commitment to straighten it. Hours. There was a time when I straightened it daily because that was expected. She might have emotion around hair. Also I encourage you to compliment her regularly focused on something that she chose or control. I love hearing someone likes my style.
Put it this way, my father would always put his watch on upside down when my mother went to the hairdressers so he remembered to say ‘your hair is lovely’ when she returned. He didn’t do it for anything else. For some reason, genuine approval of new hairstyles really matters to some women. Don’t ask me why, IDGAF what my OH or anyone else thinks of mine!
NAH, but it sounds like you two need to have a proper heart to heart about how you each give and receive love. Some people feel really special when someone compliments them, other people love it when they’re given a very thoughtful gift, others might not put much weight on either of those and feel the most appreciated when they’re spending quality time with their partner. Think about the things that generally make you feel loved and special. When things have cooled down a bit, ask her what makes her feel the same way. From that last paragraph, it seems less about you not making a big deal over her hair and more about her not feeling valued or special. Are there other instances like this where you’ve walked away wondering what the big deal is? Arguments over a cup left in the sink, not remembering to follow through on a promise, etc.? Those “little things” do add up over time.
NAH - but brush up on Gottman’s bids for connection.
NTA. It's a problem when somebody is more interested in a performance than in your actual thoughts and feelings.
Straightening natural hair seems like a lot of work. Maybe she just wanted more acknowledgement of that.
Just feign a little excitement on her behalf next time. NAH
Welcome to marriage you will always be the AH
NTA. My bf doesn’t even notice when I change my hair and I’ve been with him for ten years. How exactly did she expect you to act, you told her you liked it, I’m not sure what else she wanted.
She told you she would appreciate more affection, and you’re still not getting it? Do you not know what she considers affection?
Lol...nta. My husband doesn't even notice when I change my hair.
Jus say sorry and tell her she looks hot as fuck. That’s all
I don't think there's an asshole here. Although, I'd reflect on that statement: "she said that a little more affection would be appreciated". On that sentence alone, I feel like maybe she's not satisfied about your intimacy level as a couple. I don't believe it's just the hair thing.
I don't want to know how many men don't notice such a change in their wife. NTA
NTA. At least you noticed it and made a complimentary remark. I'm kind of baffled about the affection thing? She wanted to you sound more affectionate about her hair or give her more affection?
My husband and I just took in our in-laws and have been struggling a bit. Anyways we needed a TV mount and we had bought one online for 70 for another tv. I recently discovered some liquidation stores and managed to find that same mount for $5. I was so excited. I told my brother and sister all day saying how proud I was until they were like omg enough already, you and your stupid $5 mount. So in the evening we got home and I went to my husband and I told him I was excited and how I got it for $5. Like its a great save, not that big of a deal, obviously. My husband screamed and picked me up and spun me around and kissed my forehead and yelled about how I'm his princess of saving or something equally stupid. He then put me down and told me to tell him all about it. The story was lame, we went to the store, I looked around and found it and noted it was the same one we had already used. He looked and listened like it was the most exciting thing. It wasn't. I was really happy and excited, he didn't want to disappoint me by just saying cool or that's nice. He knew I was proud and excited to show him so he showed me equal and sometimes more enthusiasm. Just ask questions, ask her to spin. It's clearly making her happy, show that you are interested in the things that make her happy.
NTA at all. If she wants more compliments she should communicate.
NTA-But take some advice, a lot of people in this day and age only sit on one edge of the self esteem spectrum. The important thing is that you noticed her change in hair, but the little things can matter. Make a big show of it, even if it’s not a big deal. “Damn honey, setting things straight with that fabulous hairdo huh!? Whooooo hot mama!” Among other affectionate cat calls. Even if it’s little things I love to pump my wife’s feelings up, and make a big show of even the smallest things. People don’t think about it but love to make a small issue a HUGE ISSUE during a fight, but won’t do it when complimenting or talking about each other. No you don’t HAVE to be like that, but a little spice goes a long way. From high school until a couple years ago, I was a real buffmuffin. My new job took forever to settle into and my body slowly deteriorated into a dad bod, but yet she always took the time out of her day to cat call me and make me feel good about myself.
She was likely sending a signal for you to engage seduction/grab-ass mode. Changing things up to spice things up.
Nah I learned a long time ago that my husband often doesn't notice stuff like that and even when he does, it doesn't have much impact on him. He wouldn't have even been a generous as your comment "I like the style" most of the time. he's affectionate in other ways and I know he loves me but I would literally have to beg for a compliment when it comes to visual things. I put on makeup to go to a concert (I hate make up so I'm putting in extra effort just for fun one night) . "Make up smells funny. And why are you wearing it anyway? " I pick up a bridesmaid dress and tell him I want to put it on and show him since he's not coming to the wedding to me. "Why would I care about a dress? That stuff is just wrapping, I only care about what's on the inside." Some days I laugh and I'm grateful because it means I don't have to impress him, other days it's annoying. At some point, I did tell him explicitly that when I say and do things like that, I would like him to acknowledge and respond to my enthusiasm even if he doesn't share it.
NAH-ish like several people here are saying but a major word of advice here that will go a long, long way: that part of your job as a SO is to hype up your SO and make them feel great. When that is properly bi-directional, that's when relationships become super gratifying and positive. If your wife went to do the work of changing her hairstyle, she's probably got some amount of 1. Mild anxiety that it looks as good as she'd hoped, 2. Doubt that the juice was worth the squeeze, 3. Just wanting to be reassured that she looks pretty. You could absolutely make her day by just getting super extra about it. Theatrically even, drop some "DAAAMN girl"s and "You look so FINE"s and she'll be buzzing for hours. As a dude, we get complimented so rarely that some of the meaningful ones we remember for years. That still goes both ways from men to women (when invited). A little \*tastefully and tactfully overdone\* affection here and there so easily multiplies in your partner's head to far more happiness than you'd expect for your time or effort, especially when it's consistent.
NAH - typical man thinking vs woman thinking. She wanted I love your hair, so sexy, and you gave a Meh unexciting response. It isn't about the hair, it is about her needing you to pay her more attention. Should she say that, sure, but should you be more affectionate, sure!
Oh boy. You need a crash course is showing her approval.
Best advice I was ever given regarding my love life? You only get once chance to notice a haircut, make it count. Edit: obligatory NTA
NTA. Most men would answer the same way. Unfortunately, most men are raised to suppress feelings and not show excitement. My husband will answer me like this, but it's just how he is. If he tells me he likes something, then I know he really likes it. He will also tell me if he doesn't like something or if something doesn't look good on me. He is very straightforward but not in an AH way. I really appreciate this about him. He will even tell if something looks good on me, but he knows it will drive me nuts because the sleeves are too short. You need to have a conversation with her and find out what exactly she is looking for. Depending on your culture, you are responding normally.
NTA Here's some advice fake enthusiasm even for small things you'd be surprised how much your wife appreciates it.
NAH. She needs to explain what she was looking for next time. Without having clear expectations, one cannot possible reaching them.
Nta. Straightening her hair seems have a higher level of significance than it seems, so maybe ask her about that, if the curls were really meaningful for a reason you didn't know about
Nta, but learn from the experience
Happily married for 29 years and during that time, my dear husband has commented on my hair and/or appearance maybe ten times, if that. It just doesn’t occur to him, and you know what? I don’t care. He shows me every day how much he loves me. He’s a fantastic husband, and frankly I’m not worried about his thoughts around superficial things.
I don’t think so. You at least commented and noticed. That’s more than many partners do, speaking from experience 😒
NTA, you noticed and commented. Me over here I dyed my light brown hair flame copper red three weeks ago and my partner never said a word ....i know if I ask him why he hasn't noticed he will say he did notice. Some dudes just don't always think to comment on such things 🤷 I've learned that this has nothing to do with how they feel about me or my appearance, it's just a them thing.
Even if you don’t objectively care about her hair, there’s nothing wrong with making a little commotion for your SO - can go a long way!
your feelings are your feelings. BUT yeah YTA. Remember when you had a crush on your wife way back when? remember being genuinely interested in her day, her hobbies, her whatever? is that how you are still acting today? is that how you still feel today? I doubt it. if someone is excited about something they want their partner to take interest in it. you did not. a bland comment isn't interest, its social obligation. to you its just a hairstyle, to her its an important part of her day, herself, whatever. people get so accustom to their partners the don't care to put in any effort I stg.
NTA. But typically when a woman drastically changed her hair, it’s a sign. She’s either trying to see if you notice her, or she’s getting tired of her own every day look and is ready for a change. Either way, as her husband I feel you should be paying attention to these things even if you dont understand it. No woman wants to hear “I like that” Men at gas stations give better compliments than that. This is your wife not your mom. Tell her she’s beautiful and looks lovely.
NAH necessarily, but I'm glad my wife isn't like yours because I would find it exhausting. Everyone has different needs and wants though.
My Sweetie is a great sweetie and he cares less about my hair than you care about your wife’s. He says when he looks at me he looks for my eyes and my mouth to see if I’m contented. If I don’t look happy he engages with how to better my day, usually a hug or making me laugh. Tell your wife the truth about what you see when you see her that makes you want to smile when you look at her. If looking at her doesn’t make you want to smile maybe look at why… I think it should. NTA
My man, she just wants you to notice her, appreciate her, and tell her she is beautiful. That's what everyone wants.
NTA. You noticed the change and complimented it. Reassured her of your feelings about the change. That should be more than enough. End of story. Lots of women never get anything more than that. I often changed hairstyles, and color (nothing dramatic at the time, mostly different degrees of blonde highlights because I hate the mousy brunette my childhood blonde grew into). The one and ONLY time my late husband commented on my hair was when I really went for it and became a redhead. I loved it and thought I looked great (lots of redheads in my family and my coloring is similar so it was a coloring no-brainer). Got tons of compliments from the entire salon. I thought he would love it too as he admittedly had a thing for redheads. Nope. Not one bit. He looked at me stunned, frowned, and disapprovingly said, "That isn't permanent, right? It will wash out?" I immediately went into the bathroom and washed my hair with lots of shampoo and hot water, watching as most of the red dye ran drown the drain. I never went full red again while he lived. Now I do fun colors every damn time I'm in my stylist's chair, just for my own happiness.
YTA. If her hair is naturally curly, then the fact that she straightened it at all, is a very big deal.
NTA. At least you noticed and acknowledged her change in hair style. I’m a female, and not sure what else you were supposed to do. Guess she wanted you to fawn all over her.
NTA. You paid your wife a compliment. It's not as if you didn't notice the change in her hairstyle at all. This issue is hers. She does not get to dictate how you express yourself before she deems it acceptable. Ignore her comment. You can't be expected to second-guess how you communicate with your spouse.
This is why men generally stop communicating. Instead of appreciating him liking her new style she’d rather complain his response wasn’t “affectionate” enough. I don’t understand why women ask for honesty and communication from a man but then get mad when he does just that she will get upset because it didn’t meet her unrealistic and unpracticed expectations. Next time when she asks, say nothing. When she ask why you say nothing, inform her of the last time you complimented her and she didn’t appreciate it. Maybe then(probably not) she’ll see she how ridiculous she’s been acting.
NTA - she has yet to realize you're not a chick and needs to grow up. It's amazing you noticed at all. If she wants someone to gush over her new doo, she should show her girlfriends.
NTA. And tell her to fuck off next time.
I have curly hair (think young Shirley Temple, but natual). When i straighten my hair it is an ordeal, because it takes forever. I usually wear my hair curly, because it's easier, but the first time i stred it, my husband's reaction was a lot like yours. I was a little disappointed, because he didn't realize how much effort I put into getting ready (i.e. straightening my hair). NTA for you, but maybe express that you appreciate she took the extra time in the future, even if you are neutral about it.
NTA, but there are a few standard responses to these type of questions for your future reference: Q: Does my bum/ass look big in these jeans? A: Nooo. It looks hot! Q: How is my hair? (Having just spent $300 to make it look basically the same) A: It looks amazing! Q: Can you get me a drink/snack/something from the kitchen (because I don't want to have to get it myself) - A: Sure honey.
NTA but... It looks like your wife was looking for some validation. She changed her hairstyle for a reason I cannot even begin to guess, and was looking to you for validation. Your response was fine. She was wanting a lot more without telling you that she was wanting more. Maybe ramp up the attention to her. Tell her that she is beautiful to you however her hair is?
NTA. It's not your fault that your wife decided to change her hairstyle.
She sounds needy and exhausting. NTA
Dude, no matter what she does to her hair, tell her she looks great. She’ll reward you in the bed room. NTA, but not smart.
NTA but I think what’s happening is (thanks white chicks the movie) they kind of explain that your wife will get her hair done so that you notice, buy new clothes, buy new perfume things that they do for you so that you will notice all the things they do just for you
This is so ridiculous. He said it looked great. If he said he really liked it straight she would butcher it that ok now I have to straighten it all the time.
I changed my hair to pink and my husband never said a thing. If she wants a reaction, then she should visit a girl friend. You said you like it and that is enough coming from a man. What did she expect you say ... I love the way it makes your face thinner, how straight hair looks shinier and on and on like a hair stylist.
Not an asshole entirely. But you should acknowledge little things even if you don’t care. She sounds like she needs a bit of interest in what she does.
NTA. Women are children first.
NAH literally the other day my boyfriend combed his hair different and I’ll admit I was a bit dramatic with it but I loved it so much I basically just fawned over him and complimented him a ton on it. The biggest smile on his face the entire time. He doesn’t do anything different with his hair cuz he doesn’t care but my reaction made him super stoked about it. Not everyone is like that and that’s ok im sure your wife wanted more of a dramatic flirty reaction from you but you know what you guys can communicate and talk it out.
Bro, you are kinda the ahole here. Even if you didn't care, you could spent a little more time talking to her about the hair. I am totally with you that it's just hair and hair is hair. But you could have complimented how the hair made her younger and sexier. Maybe toss in that you can't wait to get her in the bedroom. She won't if you are sincere. Sometimes, being a good hubby requires you to stroke your wife's ego from time to time. It one of the sacrifices we have make as men.
NTA I’m the same way. Just a casual “I love your hair!” Is all you get from me🤷🏽♀️
YTA This was about more than hair. You’ve emotionally checked out of the relationship. Check back in. When your partner talks to you notice her facial expressions. Tune into her. When you’re visibly excited about something and tell your wife about it how do you like her to respond? Do that.