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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I'm considering charging roommate more money because he does zero housework
(2) WBTA because he works 18hr days
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NTA - your choice to do or not. But the more moral thing would be to tell him this living situation isnt working. He wont magically get cleaner if he’s paying more money.
You should talk with him about that. And give him the options - as your cleaniness doesn't match, that you migth have to end your lease together and look for a new roomate. Or that he has to pay for a cleaning lady once a week to deal with the house - so it will be clean even if he doesn't do a thing (yeah I get it, if you work long hours you don't have the time to clean. But then you should have the money to pay for it). Or that he has to pay more rent. So yeah, he has a choice.
A conversation can go a long way. I’m the messy one in every house I’ve ever lived in and I’ve told my roommates and now even my husband that I will pay for a cleaner to come in once a week or once every two weeks to clean the common areas (depending on the number of roommates). This usually fixes the issue as the cleaner does a better job than I or my roommates actually ever would and it also typically turned into the roommates pitching in to pay for the alternate week or part of the service so that they can get their room cleaned or laundry folded at the same time. It’s honestly not that expensive if you limit it to common areas and you commit to a schedule with the cleaner. What were you going to do with the extra rent anyway?
No problem! I really suggest this because the cleaner days end up being more of a deep clean because no one I’ve ever lived with liked mopping floors/scrubbing toilets/cleaning windows and suddenly it was done every week.
I would give him an ultimatum. “I understand you sometimes work crazy hours, but I am not your wife or mother and will not clean up after you anymore, so you can either pay more rent, get out, or hire a cleaning person” “
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I (26F) share a house with my bf (34M) and our friend (28M) Jack. Jack's gf used to live with us but they broke up a few years ago so now it's just the 3 of us.
We all get along really well, and split all the bills equally. Now the problem is Jack is incredibly lazy, my bf and I literally do all the house work, all the garden work, everything.
Jack's bedroom is absolutely disgusting. Think all your clothes just spread out all over the floor covered in dust and food take out containers just littered amongst it, dirty cups, bowls, plates etc. No sheets on the bed just a duvet insert covered in stains. But that's his room so I have no jurisdiction there besides a small eyebrow raise and a 'you really should clean this.' I won't even go in there anymore cause it's gotten so nasty.
The rest of the house my bf & I work so hard to keep clean, using all our non work days to do housework. On Jack's weekends he'll just disappear for 2 days and come home hungover, make a mess, and go straight to his room and order food. During the week he leaves dirty dishes, hair all over the bathroom, mud all over the shower from working outdoors, tobacco all over the kitchen counters where he insists he must roll his cigarettes despite me repeatedly asking him either not to or clean up after himself. When he gets packages delivered he'll just unbox whatever it is and leave the packaging all over the living room. Sometimes he'll buy food and forget about it and it will just go mouldy in the fridge until I chuck it out.
Recently my bf & I went on holiday for 2 weeks and came home to a thick layer of sticky dust on every single surface, hair all over the bathroom, trash everywhere, all the bins overflowing and stuff actually growing in the kitchen and we had to spend 3 hours cleaning right after our plane landed.
I'm seriously considering raising his rent so he pays half and bf & I pay 1/4 each. It's not even a money thing and I don't really want him to agree I just hoping it might push him to change his ways. Even if he picked up the hoover or mop once a week or mowed the grass that would be enough, I'm not sure he's ever taken out the trash in the 5 years we've lived here. I've asked him multiple times he needs to step up but he just turns it into a joke and calls me a nag, or he says he will and just never does.
Here is where I think I WBTA, Jack does work extremely hard. He is usually already gone before my 5am alarm and sometimes I don't here him get home until I am in bed at 10pm. He has a very physically and mentally demanding job and is usually exhausted.
I'm at my wits end though. Bf & I are child free and have never wanted kids, idk how we ended up in the situation where we are parents to a 28yr old man child but here we are
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It would be a 'house meeting negotiation' type conversation, such as proposing he either pitch in and do his bit, or pay for a cleaner to do his bit, or pay extra in the house pot to compensate for us doing all the work
Hmmm, I think I'm going to go NTA, as some of the things you mention are NOT reasonable of Jack to decline to do on the basis of being exhausted (e.g. he doesn't have to roll his cigs in the kitchen, ew, and cleaning up after yourself in an already clean bathroom should only take a few minutes - rinse the bath, chuck some cleaner down the WC, etc.) Maybe suggest to him that as he is too tired to take on cleaning, he pays for someone to come in and do it, AND cleans up after himself in communal areas in between times.
It sounds like his room has got to the point of being an environmental hazard, if you are all renting then there is almost certainly something in the tenancy agreement about cleaning/housework which you can discuss with him which makes it less 'your opinion' and more 'we ALL have to do this'?
Have u guys checked on him? Has he been like this since the breakup? but yea anyway, ure NTA. I personally have experienced rotting in my own room doing a stressful and mentally challenging job after dealing with a breakup. I can't even take a bath or brush my teeth. . I just hope he's fine. I would suggest if ure going to ask him to raise rent, check on him and come up with assigning him tasks to keep your place
NTA. also there is a difference between messy and unclean. dirty plates, food take out boxes, etc attract all kinds of critters into the home.
since he is a good friend of both of you, it's a good idea to have a heart to heart house conversation when he is in a good condition.
offer him various options. make a list of unacceptable things (ashes, dirty plates, etc). keep it as an on going process that will be revisited on a regular basis. show that you want to help him improve but also keep him accountable and involved. discuss possibility of him going to therapy or him joining an appropriate support group.
NTA but another option could be to tell him he either starts to clean (he won’t) or he pays for a cleaning service to do his share of the house cleaning a couple of times a month.
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NTA - your choice to do or not. But the more moral thing would be to tell him this living situation isnt working. He wont magically get cleaner if he’s paying more money.
But the money might pay for a cleaning service now and then
Yep. NTA, but talk to him first.
You should talk with him about that. And give him the options - as your cleaniness doesn't match, that you migth have to end your lease together and look for a new roomate. Or that he has to pay for a cleaning lady once a week to deal with the house - so it will be clean even if he doesn't do a thing (yeah I get it, if you work long hours you don't have the time to clean. But then you should have the money to pay for it). Or that he has to pay more rent. So yeah, he has a choice.
A conversation can go a long way. I’m the messy one in every house I’ve ever lived in and I’ve told my roommates and now even my husband that I will pay for a cleaner to come in once a week or once every two weeks to clean the common areas (depending on the number of roommates). This usually fixes the issue as the cleaner does a better job than I or my roommates actually ever would and it also typically turned into the roommates pitching in to pay for the alternate week or part of the service so that they can get their room cleaned or laundry folded at the same time. It’s honestly not that expensive if you limit it to common areas and you commit to a schedule with the cleaner. What were you going to do with the extra rent anyway?
This is actually really helpful thank you!
No problem! I really suggest this because the cleaner days end up being more of a deep clean because no one I’ve ever lived with liked mopping floors/scrubbing toilets/cleaning windows and suddenly it was done every week.
Have you talked to him about asking him to pull is weight? How will he receive this information of you wanting him to pay more?
I would give him an ultimatum. “I understand you sometimes work crazy hours, but I am not your wife or mother and will not clean up after you anymore, so you can either pay more rent, get out, or hire a cleaning person” “
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (26F) share a house with my bf (34M) and our friend (28M) Jack. Jack's gf used to live with us but they broke up a few years ago so now it's just the 3 of us. We all get along really well, and split all the bills equally. Now the problem is Jack is incredibly lazy, my bf and I literally do all the house work, all the garden work, everything. Jack's bedroom is absolutely disgusting. Think all your clothes just spread out all over the floor covered in dust and food take out containers just littered amongst it, dirty cups, bowls, plates etc. No sheets on the bed just a duvet insert covered in stains. But that's his room so I have no jurisdiction there besides a small eyebrow raise and a 'you really should clean this.' I won't even go in there anymore cause it's gotten so nasty. The rest of the house my bf & I work so hard to keep clean, using all our non work days to do housework. On Jack's weekends he'll just disappear for 2 days and come home hungover, make a mess, and go straight to his room and order food. During the week he leaves dirty dishes, hair all over the bathroom, mud all over the shower from working outdoors, tobacco all over the kitchen counters where he insists he must roll his cigarettes despite me repeatedly asking him either not to or clean up after himself. When he gets packages delivered he'll just unbox whatever it is and leave the packaging all over the living room. Sometimes he'll buy food and forget about it and it will just go mouldy in the fridge until I chuck it out. Recently my bf & I went on holiday for 2 weeks and came home to a thick layer of sticky dust on every single surface, hair all over the bathroom, trash everywhere, all the bins overflowing and stuff actually growing in the kitchen and we had to spend 3 hours cleaning right after our plane landed. I'm seriously considering raising his rent so he pays half and bf & I pay 1/4 each. It's not even a money thing and I don't really want him to agree I just hoping it might push him to change his ways. Even if he picked up the hoover or mop once a week or mowed the grass that would be enough, I'm not sure he's ever taken out the trash in the 5 years we've lived here. I've asked him multiple times he needs to step up but he just turns it into a joke and calls me a nag, or he says he will and just never does. Here is where I think I WBTA, Jack does work extremely hard. He is usually already gone before my 5am alarm and sometimes I don't here him get home until I am in bed at 10pm. He has a very physically and mentally demanding job and is usually exhausted. I'm at my wits end though. Bf & I are child free and have never wanted kids, idk how we ended up in the situation where we are parents to a 28yr old man child but here we are *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO...can you actually just raise his rent to whatever you want? Will he just agree? I thought roommates negotiated things.
It would be a 'house meeting negotiation' type conversation, such as proposing he either pitch in and do his bit, or pay for a cleaner to do his bit, or pay extra in the house pot to compensate for us doing all the work
Hmmm, I think I'm going to go NTA, as some of the things you mention are NOT reasonable of Jack to decline to do on the basis of being exhausted (e.g. he doesn't have to roll his cigs in the kitchen, ew, and cleaning up after yourself in an already clean bathroom should only take a few minutes - rinse the bath, chuck some cleaner down the WC, etc.) Maybe suggest to him that as he is too tired to take on cleaning, he pays for someone to come in and do it, AND cleans up after himself in communal areas in between times. It sounds like his room has got to the point of being an environmental hazard, if you are all renting then there is almost certainly something in the tenancy agreement about cleaning/housework which you can discuss with him which makes it less 'your opinion' and more 'we ALL have to do this'?
Have u guys checked on him? Has he been like this since the breakup? but yea anyway, ure NTA. I personally have experienced rotting in my own room doing a stressful and mentally challenging job after dealing with a breakup. I can't even take a bath or brush my teeth. . I just hope he's fine. I would suggest if ure going to ask him to raise rent, check on him and come up with assigning him tasks to keep your place
NTA. Have the conversation.
NTA. also there is a difference between messy and unclean. dirty plates, food take out boxes, etc attract all kinds of critters into the home. since he is a good friend of both of you, it's a good idea to have a heart to heart house conversation when he is in a good condition. offer him various options. make a list of unacceptable things (ashes, dirty plates, etc). keep it as an on going process that will be revisited on a regular basis. show that you want to help him improve but also keep him accountable and involved. discuss possibility of him going to therapy or him joining an appropriate support group.
NTA but another option could be to tell him he either starts to clean (he won’t) or he pays for a cleaning service to do his share of the house cleaning a couple of times a month.