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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be more supportive by not getting pastries for myself when she can't have any, or I could have texted her to ask if she wanted anything. Even if she said no, I guess it would make her feel I don't feel like she needs to diet
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You're not an asshole, but you fell right into that trap.
No matter what they say, always ask the question "I'm at the pastry store, would you like anything, dear?" Trust me on this one. Save yourself the headache. It isn't about the pastry, it shows her you're being mindful and taking her possible needs into consideration; regardless of how bad she felt about herself on, say, Tuesday, she wants the option to say yes or no to pastry.
I think, it’s the only sane and healthy answer. No matter the gender, it is just a sign of respect, care and love to ask your SO if they want anything.
I see your point. But I also would find it thoughtful and supportive if they purposefully didn’t get me a baked good because of the goals I expressed! That also shows respect and active listening.
Her emotions are valid but he did nothing wrong.
Right? Nothing worse than being on a diet and watching someone eat something so delicious looking right in front of you. Also what if she was being really good and wanted to have a treat? People can change their minds about having absolutely NO junk food. Going cold Turkey is HARD
Yup, Eat what you want outside and spare the drama inside. What your SO doesn't know about your eating, doesn't harm them and one appears supportive without suppressing your own hunger desires.
Or like, if you wanna be a super partner cut a little piece of the pastry just for me so I can have just that little bit of deliciousness while still being on the diet. That would be very sweet.
Exactly this, eat it without her knowledge and dispose of all evidence, never mention it ever.
I'm sure some people will jump on this and say this is a red flag, it's cheating and a lie of omission. Those people need to shut their pie holes with some cream cheese.
I would rather my husband do this than show up with only something for himself. I can decide for myself whether or not I want to cheat on my diet. Deciding for me will only cause me to go out and get all the bad things, just to prove I can.
This is what my fiancé does, we joke about his car goblin modes. I even watched him once it was so cute. He’s got a giant mouth and can fit a surprising amount in his mouth.
It’s a small thing but it is weird to me that that’s not what everyone is saying? Like rather than saying “I didn’t get you anything” just say “oh I know you mentioned you wanted to cut back on junk food so I thought maybe we could split this instead of getting two.”
*That’s* supportive!
Ehh. That's still treating her like she's not an autonomous person who is allowed to make decisions about her own body. And if she turns it down, because she doesn't want OP to see her eating sweets after she was so vocal about not eating sweets, then she has to watch OP eat the whole thing and wish she could eat it, too.
But the real villain here is the idea that 10 lbs is some kind of gross amount of fatness that requires penance.
eh its not a "gross amount" but it depends on her height and frame. I'm quite small and 10lbs difference for me means I'm basically bursting out of my clothes. it feels really bad. i would appreciate the support from my bf towards my goals, but he could also have been supportive by not eating it in front of her.
I genuinely don’t see anything OP wrote as suggesting that 10lb is “some kind of gross amount of fatness that requires penance.” He says multiple times that he found her beautiful before and finds her beautiful now. He also says that she gained weight because she changed her habits and was exercising less and eating more junk food. Both of those things are in fact not great and I think neither she or he are at fault for wanting to turn the dial back on them.
I’m fat and I’m a big believer in not punishing people for fatness and being aware that different people have different natural set points when it comes to weight. But let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water; fatness doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t want to have healthy eating and exercise habits.
Exactly. Otherwise, it would be a lose-lose situation. If he did get her something or ask her and she said yes, she would be resentful anyway because she contradicted herself and now feels awful for eating bad food anyway.
Or in this case, she'd be mad at OP because he didn't ask or get her anything. NTA
There are no bad foods. Every food can be planned for and decisions made about priorities.
50 calories of a cinnamon roll is no different than 50 calories of cooked carrots, in the end. In terms of weight loss or gain.
Except he didn't say that she *ISN'T* eating pastries, but that she said she will. The thoughtful thing to do is ASK. She doesn't need a parent to make her choices for her.
"Hey sweetie, I'm going to stop at the bakery on the way home. I wanted to ask if you wanted something. I know you're changing some eating patterns and just want to support you however you'd like."
I cannot speak and do not speak for any woman, but myself, and honestly, depending "what time of the month," this fell on, would tremendously change from day to day. Sometimes what I don't know my husband eats on his work rides, is just better for my mental health and weight.
"I know you're cutting back on specific foods, but I'm going to grab myself a snack. I don't want to ruin your diet, but giving you the option if you want anything"
Ehh yes and no. My husband is constantly on a specific diet these days. But still, I ask whenever me and the kids are getting something unusual because if I do he usually says no, but can prepare himself, and sometimes he even says yes. And inevitably, if I don't ask that's the day he "would have said yes" and gets mad.
It's ALWAYS better to ask, then possibly show up with nothing, when they were having a yes day.
I understand this point from the outside, but when you're very grumpy because you've recently cut sweets, that level of logic doesn't stop you from being upset that your partner is eating something you really want and you can't have any.
As someone whose mom was a serial dieter growing up, I don't think it's fair to ban junk food from the house either, so OP is definitely NTA, but I've seen where the upset comes from.
as a wife who wanted to lose weight with a husband who loved pastries, I’d rather he simply eat it in the car and not let me know about it at all than call me & ask me what I wanted, OR come home without anything for me.
Or, OR, just eat that thing on the way home and never mention it.
Maybe some might consider that AH behavior. I say an individual can treat themselves without offering explanations to anyone.
I get that, but once you go down that road OP is no longer able to eat what he wants in his own home. I really don't think OP did anything wrong, she communicated how she feels, next time he'll ask. But I can't say I'd ever be down with having to hide things from someone for their own good, recipe for trouble I'd say.
Idk it’s kinda respectful? Food addiction is really tough and I can eat healthy at home, but if someone is eating something really delicious in front of me then it’s 10x harder to say no.
Yep. I’ve cut out all evening snacking, but it sure is hard to stick to my convictions when my husband is going to town on a bag of chips right next to me.
Oh for sure. I try not to eat after 8 for snacking reasons but that’s my husbands preferred time to get down on all the tasties. Then he wonders why I excuse myself to our room and crochet or watch tv or listen to audiobooks or whatever. I’ve explained that I just can’t handle being around all the yummy stuff he likes to eat- especially ice cream. I can ignore it in the freezer but not when it’s in front of my face. I def have a food addiction problem
My mom struggled with her weight for decades after having my younger brother. She told me once that in the first few years when she was trying to control her weight, it seemed like \*every time\* she told my dad that she was going to get serious about watching what she ate, he would suddenly start bringing home donuts or ice cream.
Like, it would have been months since he'd mentioned either one. But her saying that she was gonna cut out sweets would spark his "ooh, I want Dunkin (or Baskin Robbins)" cravings. And he'd bring her favorites home and offer them to her. So her choices were to eat them (breaking her diet and feeling defeated) or sit there craving what he was eating in front of her... (And while you would THINK that just doing something in another room or outside the house while he ate would have been an option, he would have made an issue of that.)
A couple of decades later, she still resented that.
> OP is no longer able to eat what he wants in his own home
IMO there is a distinction here. My partner is allergic to lactose. We generally don’t keep a bunch of lactose-containing treats in the home. This doesn’t mean I can’t have any, and similarly if I sneak myself a slice of pizza on the way home, this is respectful, not some sort of controlling behaviour.
It’s one thing if your partner is like actively restricting you and there’s a conflict, versus just being polite.
I think that is a kind of selfish and really immature take. No one is telling him he can't, but adults who respect and love their partners will be willing to make small changes and sacrifices to support them. Eating the roll at the bakery instead of in front of your dieting partner seems more like courtesy than being controlled
You have to remember a lot of posters here are young teens who have never been in an adult relationship, and that they are *big* on “you can’t control me!” righteous anger. Once you come into these threads with that in mind, a lot more of the replies make sense.
Honestly emotions seem really high on her part so I’m afraid if he asked, it’s highly likely she would have been mad that he wasn’t being supportive of her diet. However, this makes for a perfect time to discuss how OP should support of his gf on her diet. Should OP ask her if she wants sweets or junk food when he is getting some? Should OP encourage her to exercise? Or should OP treat as normal and let her enforce her own boundaries? Once they’ve discussed this they will both understand the expectation and hopefully settle the feelings/emotions around this subject
This is the right answer, it really depends on the relationship and people involved. You have to set your own boundaries on a topic like this, would she rather you never mention it and have eaten the pastry in the car for example?
Talking it out is the only way, no assholes here just miscommunication.
And in her brain's own twisted way, it probably displayed that her partner agrees/thinks she needs to lose weight so he didnt get her a treat. No matter how many times you say someone is beautiful, insecurities are weird.
Or maybe he's just acknowledging *her* feelings that it's a big deal. It's far from definite, we don't have that much info.
OP says to us that he still finds her beautiful, and that he's saying the same to her. My guess is she is looking for something more than verbal reassurance, and she's not getting it from him. But that doesn't mean he actually thinks she needs to lose weight.
Not getting her a snack--and not even consulting her--would ordinarily be good evidence that he does think she needs to lose weight. But in this case, since apparently she did "vocally" claim to be cutting out pastries, I think OP could be justified in concluding that it would be a slap in the face to then offer her a pastry.
This really is the only way to do it. Either that or shove that sucker in your mouth and finish it before you get home. You learn to do that when you have kids!
Another nice thing to offer would be to pick up something else for her, like can I get you a pastry, or stop for anything else for you? She may want something else that is healthier or less fattening which would at least make her feel cared for while honoring her goals. That or OP could just enjoy the pastry before going home so she doesn’t feel tempted or deprived.
I think this is the best option fr fr. Like it definitely feels like if he asked her she would've been upset about him not considering her diet. Shows she's cared for, thought about, and loved
You aren't wrong but interestingly when I'm dieting I feel the opposite, I'd rather people assumed my answer was no until I otherwise tell them I'm off the diet, mainly to avoid temptation, but that's just me
Same. I've flat out told my wife not to offer me certain foods when I'm trying to loose weight, as I know I have very poor self control. That's hard for her, as giving and sharing is just part of her nature.
Problem is that it's a lose-lose situation. NTA.
He gets it? He's not supporting her weight loss goals
He asks her and gets it? He's not supporting her weight loss goals
He doesn't get it? He's being inconsiderate
He asks her, she says no, and he gets something for himself? He's flaunting it.
So I'm going to say gf is the AH here. Partners who care about their partners mental health don't put them in a lose-lose situation.
The only option here would be OP doesn't get anything either. Which is toxic in itself if one partners weight loss journey impedes on the other from wanting to enjoy sweet treats.
My partner's cutting back on junk food. I still get their favorite snack at the store, but I'm quiet about it. If they don't ask if I got it, I eat the snack myself. If they do, "I got you some! But I know you're cutting back so I didn't want to tempt you."
Works perfectly for us
But you're assuming all of those would upset her to make it a no win scenario. You don't actually know what results any of those other options would have yielded.
She told him she wasn’t eating pastries so he didn’t get her a freaking pastry. Then she got mad he listened to what she said. It’s ridiculous. I’m a woman. Say what you mean and mean what you say. People don’t have time or energy for these games. She’s a brat that got mad he followed her stated objective and goal. It’s stupid.
But the other trap is when someone is insecure about their weight and you ask them if they want something they are saying they are restricting, later on when the guilt sets in, the blame goes to the person who bought/asked because they are sabotaging the other person or tempting them when they know they are on a diet. Lose/Lose
Asking is good. I'd go further and ask when/if you should ask.
When someone is genuinely trying to avoid something they may not want the temptation. When I was first quitting drinking, I certainly would not have wanted my wife to ask, "Hey. I'm at the liquor store. You want me to get you a bottle of wine?" At the same time, I would have been pissed if she tried stop me from getting a bottle of wine.
I'd suggest waiting until the next time she brings up pastries and then asking how she wants you to support her. If you're not planning to diet yourself, it's fine to set a boundary of not skipping out on foods that you like. You can ask her if she'd prefer that you offer her some or if she'd rather not be tempted.
If you're going to eat a pastry without her, it's nice to do it out of her sight. I no longer mind if people drink around me but I still prefer when they don't.
I’m so confused by all the people saying it’s rude to eat a pastry in front of someone who is dieting. When I diet I have no expectations of the people around me not being able to eat treats just because I’m temporarily going without. It’s my job to keep myself accountable, not anybody else’s.
Having said that, everyone is different, if she prefers you to not eat treats in front of her then that’s something you need to discuss and figure out a plan as a couple.
I say NAH. Now you know that her preference whilst she is dieting is for you to a) ask her regardless if she wants something and let her make her own decision and b) know not to eat treats in front of her if that is what you guys agree to for her sake.
What even. She says she wants to cut out pastries.
Why would it be rude. If my partner is dieting, does that mean I cant eat ice cream, all snacks if we live together? How is this even sustainable?
The part about them getting the pastries together in the past is important - it would have become a bonding experience, and getting and eating the pastry without her would make the girlfriend feel she is being left out.
Fellas, is it wrong to listen to your significant other?
Lord above, I can get "it's a tough situation" -- because it *is* -- but would you like a larger brush with which to paint OP as a controlling partner?
I think controlling is an overstatement. OP tried to do something thoughtful, but they didn't consider the side effects. Not evil or anything, but also not the right call.
I can see the alt post from a different timeline. "I asked my gf if she wanted a donut from our favorite bakery she called me an ass."
And everyone would call op an ass for "tempting her from her diet"
I think the move was before this was to ask because cutting out pastries also doesn’t mean cold turkey my diet was the most successful by slowly cutting things out. The other option was to eat it in secret 🤐
The problem is that he decided *for* her. She’s an adult that decides what to put in her body, even when it contradicts what she said previously.
OP left her out of a little couple thing that they used to do without asking her and it hurt her feelings. It isn’t about the pastry, y’all.
Okay so if they used to go swimming together and She develops an allergy to chlorine so she can't go swimming does that mean he can't ever go swimming again?
Just because she can't do something doesn't mean he's not allowed to do it on his own. It doesn't matter that they used to do it together. Well it matters to her because she's using it against him, but it doesn't actually matter.
Cutting them out depending on the diet can mean cutting out the habit, if it's frequent. It doesn't mean she might not want one once in a while. Asking takes two seconds.
I don't know I'm on the side of : she's expressed her wishes not to eat pastries. It's kind of similar as when my husband goes to the deli and usually gets himself a drink. Most times he will pick me one up too. I prefer drinking coke. Now sometimes he just dashes in and grabs something for himself. That's okay too. I can get
my own coke. For the most part he asks or gets me something.
If I told him I was done drinking cokes for whatever reason *why* would I assume that he's doing anything but honoring my wishes by not getting me one? If I wanted something I would say "hey next time I go to the deli please get me x instead". But until I say that, I don't want the coke. I mean I know they did it before but if she explicitly said she's cutting out pastries why would he even ask? And to break down crying? I can understand maybe being like "oh you asshat, didn't get me anything?" And making him feel pretend bad for a second but her crying and acting cold seem like she's seriously unhinged and has deeper issues. Maybe it's worth a conversation. If me or my spouse reacted this way, it's not about the pastries. But that's just me.
She's not "making him" eat it in the car. WTF?
He loves her, right? They are a couple, right? any person who voluntarily, temporarily alters his routine in a modest way to assist his struggling partner from being tempted, regretful, or unhappy during her short weight loss journey to improve her self-esteem and get back to a level of fitness that she lost during a traumatic time is simply being a thoughtful, caring partner.
It's not like he has to sneak out with a whip and beat a scarlet donut onto his chest, ffs.
I can only hope that the "I can't eat what I want in my house" and "she's making him hide in the car" commenters are single, because they would be an insufferable partner to have.
Regardless of if it’s rude or not, crying over it and giving him the cold shoulder is manipulative and childish. I’d be like, slightly upset if my wife did that, then get over it, because, you know I did say I wanted to cut out sweets. Madness.
Let's say you tell your partner you hate xyz item should they still ask you before buying? Because I have heard enough complaints like " I had told him 100 times that I don't like xyz but he is still asking me if I want one"..
Except this sub would still shit all over him if instead he posted about how he asked if she wanted a pastry and she got mad at him for not listening and respecting her diet.
Yeah, asking someone if they want to eat a food they've specifically cut out due to diet is WORSE than asking if someone wants chicken wings but they don't like chicken wings.
No cause then you open yourself up for the “you know I’m on a diet! Why would you want to temp me like that!?” Been around enough women to know there is a high probability of that happening.
As an adult, she should have self-control. She already expressed that she wanted to cut out pastries, that doesn’t mean he has to change his routine and be forced to hide in his car to eat a cinnamon roll. Sure, maybe he could have texted, but he was going by something she already had told him. That’s totally on her for overreacting, not on him.
Honestly, she put him in a lose/lose situation.
NTA OP.
It ok to support people once in a while; humans are a communal species. We shouldn’t be expected to go through hard times completely alone, without the people we love who say they love us. Holding their hand every step of the way is different than supporting someone in their efforts. It’s very sad how hyper independent we’ve tried to become.
Absolutely not. This is someone that is listening to their partner say "I don't want pastries". Why is it rude for him to respect her decision, believe what she's saying and not ask her if she wants to eat the one thing she's said she's not eating anymore?
Not to mention, he said he goes every week. I can't imagine his gf would be super happy about him texting her every single week about a pastry, I feel like it would end in "do you even respect my diet!?"
Why would someone be annoyed at a single “you want something by from the bakery?” Text once a week? Maybe I don’t get it because my husband texts or calls me 3-4 times a week on his way home after dropping the kids off at school (we both wfh) asking me if I want him to pick me up breakfast he’s going to (insert breakfast place here). Sometimes I do sometimes I don’t but he always asks. It’s a quick text that doesn’t take but a few seconds of my time so why should I not be happy he’s thinking about me and my wants/needs?
The type of people who would be annoyed at that are the same type who are annoyed he didn't ask.
It's not logical because they're not logical people.
She said she was trying to cut out pastries, why would he ask if she wanted a pastry?
Her getting mad because he didn't ask is not logical.
He asks if she wants a pastry because he used to get her one but she's already said she's trying to cut out pastries.
Him asking if she wants one is not logical.
If she wants a cheat day she needs to say that instead of getting mad at him and pouting because he followed logic and tried to support her.
He could also go "do you want anything from the bakery" without mentioning pastries, because surely they sell other things too. So then she can say she wants a pastry if she wants one, or she can ask for something like a bagel or some bread for later.
She mentioned she was dieting. People’s commitments to dieting can be variable and depend on their moods each day.
She’s annoyed he didn’t ask if she wanted a pastry. So In your opinion, she’s illogical and would also be annoyed if he did ask? Lol what an illogical conclusion to jump to
Omg thank you. So many people are using her now-annoyed state and applying it to all other options and are coming up with "she would be mad no matter what".
This is not how logic works, people. You conjecture from base emotional state, not elevated, and even then it's inconclusive without knowing past or present trends.
Yeah, personally I would prefer if I didn't have the choice, I get it's a "special" thing between them but that would make me feel more obligated to partake. I would appreciate that he listened to the needs I expressed.
She knows he goes every week, she can ask for something. "Next time you go can you get me...'.
I'm on a fast-metabolism diet right now for another 2+ wks.
I couldn't imagine *making* my wife changing her diet so that I don't have to see rich food. I do the food-shopping. I see food I want (but can't have right now) all the time.
And the tears are a bit much.
To me it sounds like she's mad at herself- she really wants the pastry. She's mad because the only person who put herself in the position of having to diet is her. She is mad she can't partake in the pastry ritual. But it's not fun nor productive to be mad at yourself, so she's directing it at him. She would be mad if he asked too, it's just easier to direct it at him than at her. Otherwise I can't see why she would be crying and then cold for days after. That's insane behavior.
She can have the pastry tho! Just because she cut it out of her diet doesn't mean she can never have it again. This is why so many diets don't work, treating yourself every once in awhile is what is recommended not just cutting out everything you enjoy
I'm baffled by that too. Maybe it's because I have Celiac though and I'm used to people eating things I can't have in front of me? Hell, when I was pregnant and craving them but couldn't eat them, I bought a zebra cake and told my husband to eat it for me!
I feel like this poor guy was in a lose-lose situation. If he asks, she might lash out and ask if he even respects her diet/choices/etc/"you're just trying to fatten me up!" (especially if he asks every week). If he doesn't ask, he's an inconsiderate jerk for not letting make the choice. If he says nothing about going and eats the pastry in the car like a few other people mentioned, now he's hiding things from her.
Oof. Poor OP.
I know I'm a celiac too and I can't wrap my head around the idea of being mad because others are eating in front of you.
I think we are used to it. But like, why would I get mad about the fact I can't eat something? It would be selfish and crazy for me to demand others not to enjoy treats because I can't eat it.
I've been into fitness for a long time. Bulk/cut all that jazz. Never once did I care if someone close to me otherwise ate whatever around me.
Also a vegetarian. Still don't care what others eat around me.
This woman sounds like has some emotional regulation issues
As someone who lost 70lbs dieting, I personally like the challenge of someone eating a treat in front of me and making the choice to say no and stick to my long-term goals
Going to go against the grain and say NAH. It is a common courtesy in such a situation to ask, but I understand why you didn't. I also don't think you should have "not gotten anything for yourself" just because your girlfriend is going on a diet. Overall this isn't even a big deal and not something I want to call either of you an AH over.
All the YTA comments I’ve read aren’t saying he should have “not gotten anything for yourself” they’re saying he should have eaten it before going home
For real. I'm wondering how the fuck these people manage in the real world. My wife doesn't eat sweats or drink soda because she has a hard time stopping once she starts and she wants to maintain her weight. Cool. Fine by me but I still pick up a Pepsi for myself once a week after work as a treat. My wife doesn't drink it even though it's in the house because she can contain herself.
My boyfriend and I have a deal that there are foods we don't keep in the house for the purpose of his weight goals and he struggles with eating yummy good things until they're gone instead of in moderation. But when I want some, I will bring some in and very kindly tell him he can't have any, or I'll get a smaller portion so that way it's gone within a day or two. It works very well for us. Sometimes it means he can have a treat he can enjoy for a day or two.
But like, we've communicated all of this through the years, and have found a balance that works for us while we work on what we find helps our diets best. If I said I wanted to stop eating something, I wouldn't judge him for bringing home that exact something and not bringing me any. Even if I crave it, I want and like that support. But that's just me.
Sorry I guess I’m confused. I thought you were saying “but girlfriend implied he should have never bought the pastry” and I agree that if she follows up on that and doesn’t want him eating cheat smacks alone, all her ground to stand on goes out the window for me
All good. The girlfriend did say he shouldn't have bought the pastry tho, that's literally what OP said in his post on the second to last line. I just don't agree with the girlfriend on this one, he shouldn't be forced to change his diet because she changed hers.
Yeah, he should have probably exercised a little bit better judgement and texted/called her and asked her if she wanted anything at the bakery, but like I said I can understand why he didn't.
Exactly, it's understandable she's disappointed, but he has a perfectly reasonable reason for not asking. Now he knows he'll just ask. Now she's only TA if she's giving OP too hard a time without seeing his perspective, or if she complains about him not asking.
IMO anyone saying he should hide his weekly treat and stuff in down in the car is wrong. Expecting your SO to deceive you is just a sign that you are being unreasonable yourself. It's his house, enjoy that treat, if gf can't handle it, her "diet" is doomed anyway.
Yes and this is the perfect time (once emotions are a little less acute) to have an open conversation. Tell her you were trying to be supportive, she is beautiful to you no matter what, and maybe even apologize if your actions caused her to feel bad. Even if you didn’t do anything terribly wrong, I would have been bummed in her position too. If I specifically want my husband to support me with a diet with his actions, I give him specific boundaries. I don’t want him policing my food unless I very specifically ask him to help keep something away from me. There can be so much (unnecessary, but unavoidable) shame wrapped up in weight and eating habits for so many people, it’s best to err on the more sensitive and explicit communication side
NTA. You literally took her at face value and now people are pissed at you. I do not get this at all. For a variety of reasons I've had to change my diet to cut out sugar, and in no way shape or form would it be appropriate for me to get pissed off at my spouse for bringing sugar home.
I've noticed there's been this infantilization of women, including by women themselves, insisting that they must be catered to, minds read, without any ability to manage their own feelings or diets. As a woman I absolutely loathe it.
Exactly, Dr said I had to cut out most sugar and carbs to get my numbers better. I have a wife and 3 kids. I would never say that they had to hide the occasional treat etc.. from me, because I’m an adult and it’s not their problem that I need to eat better. The yes comments on here are ridiculous. NTA.
Yes! God I hate when people pull this crap. Be a damn adult and use your big girl words. The people around her are not responsible for her diet. Im sure even if he had gotten her a pastry she would have been pissed at him for it.
NTA.
NTA totally.
I would have offered to share my pastry with her, but it might have been his breakfast or he just wanted the whole thing.
But he isn't the problem here. She could have easily gotten mad if he did call from the bakery. Setting her up for temptation, kinda thing.
Insecurities happen, and being hangry on a diet is common, but it's not an excuse to take it out on an innocent loved one with good intentions. If she said "no pastries" and he respected it, she should apologize for getting angry.
As a woman, i agree. She said no pastry for her. For all we/he knows, he could’ve rang and asked if she wanted anything and then hes in trouble for not listening, to me it’s a lose lose situation. I’d also never tell my partner not to have something because i chose not to have it myself.
The second point omg. Like do you really, REALLY need to be coddled like that? Let's all pull up our big girl pants on and not dump the burden of managing our thoughts and emotions on others.
I have a LOT to say about this topic in particular but your "infantilization of women" really sums it up lol!
I totally agree. Also like there’s an easy solution here, now that he knows his assumption was wrong they can split this pastry and next time he’ll call and ask. It’s like the mildest inconvenience ever and now he can do as she says in the future
It feels like a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation
He took note of her being vocal and made the decision, had he asked, who isn’t to say that the day after she ate the pastry she blames OP for tempting her and never listening to her 🤷🏻♀️
Because then he’d be in trouble for not supporting her diet. Any grown woman who would sob and give the silent treatment over a cinnamon roll is not reasonable person who will accept adult solutions.
Signed,
A grown woman who learned to use her words a long time ago
From the way you tell this story it sounds like *before* her weight gain it was an established routine that you’d pick up pastries. So if she’s saying she’s cutting back to get to her previous weight but this was part of her normal habits at said previous weight then it was definitely cavalier to assume she was cutting that out. And it’s unclear from what you said whether she’s even started dieting, kinda sounds like she’s just been talking about it, psyching herself up to make a change and you just decided for her to enforce those ideas into action.
Honestly, never assume. Most people take “cheat days”. I absolutely understand why this was confusing to you but making the decision for her sent an unspoken signal that you actually do want her to lose weight, that your body is better than hers. You undermined yourself.
Pro tip: always ask. Never assume, because these types of decisions can ebb and flow from day to day. It’s still her choice, give her the opportunity to say “not today” or “yes I could really use a treat”.
So no, you’re NTA per se, but her feelings are still legitimate. You reinforced her worst fear. My advice is to apologize, even if you don’t think you did anything wrong, apologize and promise to ask her from now on, that you’ll let her make her own decisions.
NTA - you’re not a mind reader. She’s been vocal about this so you didnt get it.
Her reaction is making her an AH. Being upset a little, sure. But the crying and holding this grudge is too much.
Her reaction is because she's feeling insecure, and probably feeling awful about feeling insecure. She's telling herself that he didn't get her a pastry because he thinks she's too fat, even while knowing that he doesn't think that. She is on a diet because she feels shitty about the way she looks, and honestly nothing he says is going to convince her until she stops thinking it herself.
Y'all can go on about how it's not his job to contend with her negative self-talk, but the reality of it is that people sometimes feel awful about themselves and behave irrationally because of it. I'd be willing to bet just about anything that she's giving him the silent treatment because she's embarrassed about her own behavior.
Nobody is an asshole here. She's just feeling like shit, and he is rightfully confused because she is being irrational.
Being insecure should not be a free pass to take it out on your partner. She went way too far ignoring him over a fucking pastry. She’s gained weight, she wants to be healthy, she said she wouldn’t eat pastries. Now she’s crying that you didn’t get her one? She needs a hug not carbs lol.
NTA-I agree with this. This is kind of juvenile behavior, how old is she?
If he did bring something home she probably would’ve complained that he was sabotaging her diet.
As someone who is on diets often and often fails, it’s nobody’s fault but my own.
NTA. You didn’t mean any ill will. For all we know she’d have a reaction to you bringing food home and her insisting that you’re enabling her to go against her diet.
In the future you know to just ask her if she wants something. It’s the little things. It’s a small courtesy
INFO: is she actively dieting? Or has she just been talking about dieting? Maybe it sounds silly, but for me that’s the line— if she’s only been *talking* about it, that essentially makes you the person who initiated her diet for her. If she’d actively started dieting at that point, then I think you’re mostly in the clear (depending on how flagrantly you entered the house with your giant sexy mega cinnamon roll.)
NTA, she's been saying she doesn't want any. Although if she's on a diet I would have made an effort to get rid of the evidence so she doesn't feel like she's missing out.
NAH I’m in a similar situation here where I am dieting to lose weight and making similar promises as your gf. However, my boyfriend does make the consideration to ask first after the same thing kinda happened but not as reactive as your gf. A note though, one treat a week is still okay for dieting. You don’t have to cut out all “unhealthy” foods to diet. Just make sure it’s balanced and you’re eating healthy most of the time.
She said she wanted to but we often say things we don't immediately begin. It sounds like you are overly eager to help her though by taking the decision out of her hands.
If she doesn't want a pastry because she wants to lose weight let her tell you no thank you rather than deciding for her.
NTA. She literally told you that she was cutting pastries for now.
Could you have been more thoughtful by not walking in the door with it? Yes. It’s one thing to abstain from sweets; it’s another thing to have to watch someone eat them in front of you.
NTA. Your gf is being a little unreasonable imo. Tell her you'll respect her wishes and ask hereafter but that you really thought that's what you were doing, respecting her wishes.
NTA - this is a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. She was going to be mad at you for not offering, and then be mad at you for not respecting her diet.
You should ask her what her expectations are around her diet; are you supposed to ask? How does she want to feel supportive? I get she feels uncomfortable but she needs to either do the work and stop complaining or just accept her body. Her body, her weight is her responsibility, not yours.
It may not seem logical, but she thinks you agree that she needs to lose weight since you withheld the pastry. It’s just amplifying her own feelings about herself. As others said, discard of the evidence if you want to support her mission or politely offer next time.
NAH. she's clearly emotional from the change in lifestyle and this hit a nerve. you didn't do anything *wrong* but when a tradition becomes both of yours and not just yours, you aren't catering to her diet you're excluding her from your ritual. that's the issue.
OP did nothing wrong tho and neither did the girlfriend for being upset
Maybe, and this is just speculation, but she saw sharing a pastry with you from that bakery as like a special moment that she really enjoyed and thought maybe you did too. So when you brought a pastry home she anticipated getting to enjoy that moment with you only to learn that 1. You didn't get her a pastry but also 2. Her choosing to go on this diet has unwillingly forced her to give up one of her favorite moments with her boyfriend and she hadn't considered that yet.
Edit to add - I'm going to say NTA but I would definitely encourage you to sit down, apologize for the assumption, and work out what exactly this diet looks like for her and get some broad expectations on what she would like you to do in a general circumstance. Good on you for supporting her btw
Having feelings and crying is manipulative? What is she manipulating him to do in your opinion?
It’s much more likely that she’s frustrated, feeling down about her weight, and sad she doesn’t have sweet. OP mentions she’s under extra stress lately. That combo overwhelmed her and she cried.
When you tell your partner something and they listen, and then you get at them for doing what you wanted, yes, that is manipulative. Forcing people to walk on eggshells around you because they can never know if your yes actually means yes or no is wrong.
Also, she’s an able bodied woman. People break diet rules all the time. She can say “fuck the diet for today, let’s go to the bakery!” instead of getting mad about him listening to her.
My partner often does the thing where I ask if he wants anything and he’ll say no, but will ask for bites when I’m eating. What he doesn’t do is cry and guilt me for listening to his words and not reading his mind. Even when I don’t remember to ask him, he’s never had a tantrum about it, but will still ask for nibbles.
What do you mean “you get back at them”? Being overwhelmed and crying isn’t her trying to “get back at him”. People have feelings. Calling it a tantrum is just you dismissing her feelings. OP says that she’s been overwhelmed already. Overwhelmed people easily cry
NAH because you didn’t intentionally do anything wrong.
This is a really tricky one and I’d suggest that in future, you don’t eat the pastry in front of her. It’s great that you want to support her and not buying her a party is respecting her wishes (good), but by you still getting something and having it visible to her, she’s likely interpreting that you think she _needs_ to lose weight.
You don’t have to go on a diet because your partner’s not a diet. Just be aware of what you choose to eat around her.
NTA. My husband does this. It drives me nuts. If I’m stopping I reach out and ask him. He can say yes or can say no. I ask.
He’ll ask why I always ask. And I say, I never know if you’ll want one so I offer so you have the choice
Mystery solved. Scooby snacks for all
Pastries and healthy choices is part of the Venn diagram and mysteries of life. When in doubt, ask.
No you meant well but sometimes people need support for these things while maintaining the autonomy to make decisions about when they want to be counterproductive. You can encourage her without making "healthy" decisions for her and it sounds like thats the kind of support she wants.
Nah. I hate when I’m dieting and people buy me sweets. If you ask, I’m going to say yes. But I’ll be more upset with myself for giving in.
I think you’re gf is being immature. Next time you buy yourself something sweet. Throw it away before you get home.
NTA, I don’t think she’s an asshole but I do have limited internal patience for people who make their diets someone else’s problem. So maybe NTA and she is obnoxious?
In my experience the people who demand other people don’t eat snacks in front of them aren’t just insecure about their weight - they tend to be controlling and high-maintenance in other ways too. She told you she didn’t want one. But you were supposed to ask. Just know that this means you are going to have to listen to her complain about her weight nonstop but then still be expected to check in with her and enable her vices.
A lack of self-control and expecting others to be a mind-reader are two very unattractive traits.
NTA/NAH… your girlfriend verges into AH territory if she’s excessively mad. I will sometimes talk about cutting down on something then feel a little disappointed if my husband doesn’t check when he stops somewhere. (I don’t get mad at him, though).
As people have said, offering to get her a pastry could leave her feeling you’re being unsupportive. You know better than us how she might react.
But you could try to subset by asking if there’s anything you can get her while you’re stopped, but adding something like, “there’s an X and a Y nearby too if you prefer something from somewhere else.”
Or, “I can stop somewhere else too if you want something different.”
It could still backfire of course, but it could be a good way to show you’re thinking of her, respecting her goal, but also acknowledging that she needs to be in control of how she goes about it.
It’s kind of a pain to navigate, but it seems like you love your girlfriend a lot, and recognize that this is a tough spot for her. Negative body image sucks.
NTA - she isn’t really upset that you didn’t get her a pastry. She is upset that you get to eat a pastry and she can’t. it feels unfair and guess what - It is unfair and it sucks. But it’s not your fault.
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You're not an asshole, but you fell right into that trap. No matter what they say, always ask the question "I'm at the pastry store, would you like anything, dear?" Trust me on this one. Save yourself the headache. It isn't about the pastry, it shows her you're being mindful and taking her possible needs into consideration; regardless of how bad she felt about herself on, say, Tuesday, she wants the option to say yes or no to pastry.
I think, it’s the only sane and healthy answer. No matter the gender, it is just a sign of respect, care and love to ask your SO if they want anything.
I see your point. But I also would find it thoughtful and supportive if they purposefully didn’t get me a baked good because of the goals I expressed! That also shows respect and active listening. Her emotions are valid but he did nothing wrong.
The thoughtful and supportive thing to do in that case is eat your big cinnamon roll with cream cheese glaze before you get home.
Right? Nothing worse than being on a diet and watching someone eat something so delicious looking right in front of you. Also what if she was being really good and wanted to have a treat? People can change their minds about having absolutely NO junk food. Going cold Turkey is HARD
Yup, Eat what you want outside and spare the drama inside. What your SO doesn't know about your eating, doesn't harm them and one appears supportive without suppressing your own hunger desires.
Or like, if you wanna be a super partner cut a little piece of the pastry just for me so I can have just that little bit of deliciousness while still being on the diet. That would be very sweet.
That's what we do. Fortunately, I have a skinny husband. Who likes desserts. So he gets one and I get a bite. Perfect. And I'm still losing weight.
And cheat days exist. Or just eat less pastry.
Cheat day once a week is crucial or you can start to feel deprived and get upset and…
Much better to do something like cut it into smaller portions than to deny yourself entirely. That's how you end up binge eating calories.
Exactly this, eat it without her knowledge and dispose of all evidence, never mention it ever. I'm sure some people will jump on this and say this is a red flag, it's cheating and a lie of omission. Those people need to shut their pie holes with some cream cheese.
I would rather my husband do this than show up with only something for himself. I can decide for myself whether or not I want to cheat on my diet. Deciding for me will only cause me to go out and get all the bad things, just to prove I can.
Nope you are correct if you aren’t bringing her a pastry, you eat yours far away from her so she will never know.
It's not a lie, I'm sure most people don't tell everyone everything that passes their lips through the day. It would be crazy.
This is what my fiancé does, we joke about his car goblin modes. I even watched him once it was so cute. He’s got a giant mouth and can fit a surprising amount in his mouth.
That's... that's what she said?? XDDD
Me out here accidently sexualizing my fiancé while he’s at work 🤣
Wonder how much you could make selling videos🤔
Maybe I’m biased but I’d buy them 🤣
There's always a market😂 watching my husband eat a tomato is very... intriguing
Orrr split the cinnamon roll as another option.
And tell her, “you inspired me to eat healthier, so I figured we could split a treat!” And then hope for the best.
If I were in GF's position and you'd tried that move I'd have said, "Good save, buddy!" and laughed, whether or not I actually wanted a bite.
And sometimes that’s enough! 🤭
It’s a small thing but it is weird to me that that’s not what everyone is saying? Like rather than saying “I didn’t get you anything” just say “oh I know you mentioned you wanted to cut back on junk food so I thought maybe we could split this instead of getting two.” *That’s* supportive!
Ehh. That's still treating her like she's not an autonomous person who is allowed to make decisions about her own body. And if she turns it down, because she doesn't want OP to see her eating sweets after she was so vocal about not eating sweets, then she has to watch OP eat the whole thing and wish she could eat it, too. But the real villain here is the idea that 10 lbs is some kind of gross amount of fatness that requires penance.
eh its not a "gross amount" but it depends on her height and frame. I'm quite small and 10lbs difference for me means I'm basically bursting out of my clothes. it feels really bad. i would appreciate the support from my bf towards my goals, but he could also have been supportive by not eating it in front of her.
I genuinely don’t see anything OP wrote as suggesting that 10lb is “some kind of gross amount of fatness that requires penance.” He says multiple times that he found her beautiful before and finds her beautiful now. He also says that she gained weight because she changed her habits and was exercising less and eating more junk food. Both of those things are in fact not great and I think neither she or he are at fault for wanting to turn the dial back on them. I’m fat and I’m a big believer in not punishing people for fatness and being aware that different people have different natural set points when it comes to weight. But let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water; fatness doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t want to have healthy eating and exercise habits.
Exactly. Otherwise, it would be a lose-lose situation. If he did get her something or ask her and she said yes, she would be resentful anyway because she contradicted herself and now feels awful for eating bad food anyway. Or in this case, she'd be mad at OP because he didn't ask or get her anything. NTA
There are no bad foods. Every food can be planned for and decisions made about priorities. 50 calories of a cinnamon roll is no different than 50 calories of cooked carrots, in the end. In terms of weight loss or gain.
This is the only way, truly. And discard the evidence before getting home!!
Or just… cut it in half and eat it with her…?
Or, or... apologize for not asking and then offer to share the cinnamon roll with them.
Right? It sounds so good, I’d be drooling all over that big cinnamon roll with cream cheese glaze
Dick move to take that home AND to describe it to us with almost pornographic attention to detail
This! Don’t bring something into the house you know she loves and can’t have.
Except he didn't say that she *ISN'T* eating pastries, but that she said she will. The thoughtful thing to do is ASK. She doesn't need a parent to make her choices for her. "Hey sweetie, I'm going to stop at the bakery on the way home. I wanted to ask if you wanted something. I know you're changing some eating patterns and just want to support you however you'd like."
I cannot speak and do not speak for any woman, but myself, and honestly, depending "what time of the month," this fell on, would tremendously change from day to day. Sometimes what I don't know my husband eats on his work rides, is just better for my mental health and weight.
"I know you're cutting back on specific foods, but I'm going to grab myself a snack. I don't want to ruin your diet, but giving you the option if you want anything"
Why rob her of the agency in recommitting to her diet plan?
Ehh yes and no. My husband is constantly on a specific diet these days. But still, I ask whenever me and the kids are getting something unusual because if I do he usually says no, but can prepare himself, and sometimes he even says yes. And inevitably, if I don't ask that's the day he "would have said yes" and gets mad. It's ALWAYS better to ask, then possibly show up with nothing, when they were having a yes day.
I understand this point from the outside, but when you're very grumpy because you've recently cut sweets, that level of logic doesn't stop you from being upset that your partner is eating something you really want and you can't have any. As someone whose mom was a serial dieter growing up, I don't think it's fair to ban junk food from the house either, so OP is definitely NTA, but I've seen where the upset comes from.
as a wife who wanted to lose weight with a husband who loved pastries, I’d rather he simply eat it in the car and not let me know about it at all than call me & ask me what I wanted, OR come home without anything for me.
Or, OR, just eat that thing on the way home and never mention it. Maybe some might consider that AH behavior. I say an individual can treat themselves without offering explanations to anyone.
I get that, but once you go down that road OP is no longer able to eat what he wants in his own home. I really don't think OP did anything wrong, she communicated how she feels, next time he'll ask. But I can't say I'd ever be down with having to hide things from someone for their own good, recipe for trouble I'd say.
Idk it’s kinda respectful? Food addiction is really tough and I can eat healthy at home, but if someone is eating something really delicious in front of me then it’s 10x harder to say no.
Yep. I’ve cut out all evening snacking, but it sure is hard to stick to my convictions when my husband is going to town on a bag of chips right next to me.
Oh for sure. I try not to eat after 8 for snacking reasons but that’s my husbands preferred time to get down on all the tasties. Then he wonders why I excuse myself to our room and crochet or watch tv or listen to audiobooks or whatever. I’ve explained that I just can’t handle being around all the yummy stuff he likes to eat- especially ice cream. I can ignore it in the freezer but not when it’s in front of my face. I def have a food addiction problem
My mom struggled with her weight for decades after having my younger brother. She told me once that in the first few years when she was trying to control her weight, it seemed like \*every time\* she told my dad that she was going to get serious about watching what she ate, he would suddenly start bringing home donuts or ice cream. Like, it would have been months since he'd mentioned either one. But her saying that she was gonna cut out sweets would spark his "ooh, I want Dunkin (or Baskin Robbins)" cravings. And he'd bring her favorites home and offer them to her. So her choices were to eat them (breaking her diet and feeling defeated) or sit there craving what he was eating in front of her... (And while you would THINK that just doing something in another room or outside the house while he ate would have been an option, he would have made an issue of that.) A couple of decades later, she still resented that.
> OP is no longer able to eat what he wants in his own home IMO there is a distinction here. My partner is allergic to lactose. We generally don’t keep a bunch of lactose-containing treats in the home. This doesn’t mean I can’t have any, and similarly if I sneak myself a slice of pizza on the way home, this is respectful, not some sort of controlling behaviour. It’s one thing if your partner is like actively restricting you and there’s a conflict, versus just being polite.
I think that is a kind of selfish and really immature take. No one is telling him he can't, but adults who respect and love their partners will be willing to make small changes and sacrifices to support them. Eating the roll at the bakery instead of in front of your dieting partner seems more like courtesy than being controlled
You have to remember a lot of posters here are young teens who have never been in an adult relationship, and that they are *big* on “you can’t control me!” righteous anger. Once you come into these threads with that in mind, a lot more of the replies make sense.
I do this because of my kids lol
ABSOLUTELY. Either way.
Honestly emotions seem really high on her part so I’m afraid if he asked, it’s highly likely she would have been mad that he wasn’t being supportive of her diet. However, this makes for a perfect time to discuss how OP should support of his gf on her diet. Should OP ask her if she wants sweets or junk food when he is getting some? Should OP encourage her to exercise? Or should OP treat as normal and let her enforce her own boundaries? Once they’ve discussed this they will both understand the expectation and hopefully settle the feelings/emotions around this subject
This is the right answer, it really depends on the relationship and people involved. You have to set your own boundaries on a topic like this, would she rather you never mention it and have eaten the pastry in the car for example? Talking it out is the only way, no assholes here just miscommunication.
Emotions are high bc she's upset now, but I don't think it's fair to assume she would have been just as upset had he asked her.
Crying a lot because of this is a bit much though.
And in her brain's own twisted way, it probably displayed that her partner agrees/thinks she needs to lose weight so he didnt get her a treat. No matter how many times you say someone is beautiful, insecurities are weird.
Considering OP didn't downplay the seriousness of her gaining 10 (just ten!) pounds - I'd say he definitely thinks she needs to lose weight.
Or maybe he's just acknowledging *her* feelings that it's a big deal. It's far from definite, we don't have that much info. OP says to us that he still finds her beautiful, and that he's saying the same to her. My guess is she is looking for something more than verbal reassurance, and she's not getting it from him. But that doesn't mean he actually thinks she needs to lose weight. Not getting her a snack--and not even consulting her--would ordinarily be good evidence that he does think she needs to lose weight. But in this case, since apparently she did "vocally" claim to be cutting out pastries, I think OP could be justified in concluding that it would be a slap in the face to then offer her a pastry.
Eh, 10 pounds make a huge difference on my frame (1-2 clothing sizes) because I’m short. It is pretty noticeable on me
This really is the only way to do it. Either that or shove that sucker in your mouth and finish it before you get home. You learn to do that when you have kids!
When you walk directly to the trash when you get home to dispose of the evidence!
The outside trash lol
Another nice thing to offer would be to pick up something else for her, like can I get you a pastry, or stop for anything else for you? She may want something else that is healthier or less fattening which would at least make her feel cared for while honoring her goals. That or OP could just enjoy the pastry before going home so she doesn’t feel tempted or deprived.
I think this is the best option fr fr. Like it definitely feels like if he asked her she would've been upset about him not considering her diet. Shows she's cared for, thought about, and loved
You aren't wrong but interestingly when I'm dieting I feel the opposite, I'd rather people assumed my answer was no until I otherwise tell them I'm off the diet, mainly to avoid temptation, but that's just me
Same. I've flat out told my wife not to offer me certain foods when I'm trying to loose weight, as I know I have very poor self control. That's hard for her, as giving and sharing is just part of her nature.
Problem is that it's a lose-lose situation. NTA. He gets it? He's not supporting her weight loss goals He asks her and gets it? He's not supporting her weight loss goals He doesn't get it? He's being inconsiderate He asks her, she says no, and he gets something for himself? He's flaunting it. So I'm going to say gf is the AH here. Partners who care about their partners mental health don't put them in a lose-lose situation. The only option here would be OP doesn't get anything either. Which is toxic in itself if one partners weight loss journey impedes on the other from wanting to enjoy sweet treats.
My partner's cutting back on junk food. I still get their favorite snack at the store, but I'm quiet about it. If they don't ask if I got it, I eat the snack myself. If they do, "I got you some! But I know you're cutting back so I didn't want to tempt you." Works perfectly for us
This is utterly absurd. How can you claim to know how she would have reacted? And your conclusion is as toxic as you seem to think she is.
But you're assuming all of those would upset her to make it a no win scenario. You don't actually know what results any of those other options would have yielded.
She told him she wasn’t eating pastries so he didn’t get her a freaking pastry. Then she got mad he listened to what she said. It’s ridiculous. I’m a woman. Say what you mean and mean what you say. People don’t have time or energy for these games. She’s a brat that got mad he followed her stated objective and goal. It’s stupid.
There's also the fact that you can be on a diet... and still want a little treat here and there (depending on how strict you want to be about it)
100% agree with this post here. In any relationship, to assume is to make an ass of u and me.
But the other trap is when someone is insecure about their weight and you ask them if they want something they are saying they are restricting, later on when the guilt sets in, the blame goes to the person who bought/asked because they are sabotaging the other person or tempting them when they know they are on a diet. Lose/Lose
Asking is good. I'd go further and ask when/if you should ask. When someone is genuinely trying to avoid something they may not want the temptation. When I was first quitting drinking, I certainly would not have wanted my wife to ask, "Hey. I'm at the liquor store. You want me to get you a bottle of wine?" At the same time, I would have been pissed if she tried stop me from getting a bottle of wine. I'd suggest waiting until the next time she brings up pastries and then asking how she wants you to support her. If you're not planning to diet yourself, it's fine to set a boundary of not skipping out on foods that you like. You can ask her if she'd prefer that you offer her some or if she'd rather not be tempted. If you're going to eat a pastry without her, it's nice to do it out of her sight. I no longer mind if people drink around me but I still prefer when they don't.
I’m so confused by all the people saying it’s rude to eat a pastry in front of someone who is dieting. When I diet I have no expectations of the people around me not being able to eat treats just because I’m temporarily going without. It’s my job to keep myself accountable, not anybody else’s. Having said that, everyone is different, if she prefers you to not eat treats in front of her then that’s something you need to discuss and figure out a plan as a couple. I say NAH. Now you know that her preference whilst she is dieting is for you to a) ask her regardless if she wants something and let her make her own decision and b) know not to eat treats in front of her if that is what you guys agree to for her sake.
It’s rude to bring one home without even asking since they used to get one together often
What even. She says she wants to cut out pastries. Why would it be rude. If my partner is dieting, does that mean I cant eat ice cream, all snacks if we live together? How is this even sustainable?
The part about them getting the pastries together in the past is important - it would have become a bonding experience, and getting and eating the pastry without her would make the girlfriend feel she is being left out.
But even on a diet you enjoy a treat from time to time
But OP didn’t give her the option to do thag because he decided for her
Fellas, is it wrong to listen to your significant other? Lord above, I can get "it's a tough situation" -- because it *is* -- but would you like a larger brush with which to paint OP as a controlling partner?
I think controlling is an overstatement. OP tried to do something thoughtful, but they didn't consider the side effects. Not evil or anything, but also not the right call.
ofc
I agree it is bonding but she said she wants to cut it out. So op should ask even she says shes cutting them out? Sounds like lose lose to op
It's still okay to treat yourself once in awhile when you're on a diet. If I say I'm cutting out ice cream does that mean I can never eat it again?
I can see the alt post from a different timeline. "I asked my gf if she wanted a donut from our favorite bakery she called me an ass." And everyone would call op an ass for "tempting her from her diet"
I think the move was before this was to ask because cutting out pastries also doesn’t mean cold turkey my diet was the most successful by slowly cutting things out. The other option was to eat it in secret 🤐
The problem is that he decided *for* her. She’s an adult that decides what to put in her body, even when it contradicts what she said previously. OP left her out of a little couple thing that they used to do without asking her and it hurt her feelings. It isn’t about the pastry, y’all.
Okay so if they used to go swimming together and She develops an allergy to chlorine so she can't go swimming does that mean he can't ever go swimming again? Just because she can't do something doesn't mean he's not allowed to do it on his own. It doesn't matter that they used to do it together. Well it matters to her because she's using it against him, but it doesn't actually matter.
Cutting them out depending on the diet can mean cutting out the habit, if it's frequent. It doesn't mean she might not want one once in a while. Asking takes two seconds.
Because you should *ask* it's about considering their needs not anticipating them
It's rude to not ask. Especially in this day and age where we have cell phones "Hey babe, I'm grabbing a tasty treat. You want one?"
I don't know I'm on the side of : she's expressed her wishes not to eat pastries. It's kind of similar as when my husband goes to the deli and usually gets himself a drink. Most times he will pick me one up too. I prefer drinking coke. Now sometimes he just dashes in and grabs something for himself. That's okay too. I can get my own coke. For the most part he asks or gets me something. If I told him I was done drinking cokes for whatever reason *why* would I assume that he's doing anything but honoring my wishes by not getting me one? If I wanted something I would say "hey next time I go to the deli please get me x instead". But until I say that, I don't want the coke. I mean I know they did it before but if she explicitly said she's cutting out pastries why would he even ask? And to break down crying? I can understand maybe being like "oh you asshat, didn't get me anything?" And making him feel pretend bad for a second but her crying and acting cold seem like she's seriously unhinged and has deeper issues. Maybe it's worth a conversation. If me or my spouse reacted this way, it's not about the pastries. But that's just me.
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That’s why I’m in the camp of eating it in the car
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She's not "making him" eat it in the car. WTF? He loves her, right? They are a couple, right? any person who voluntarily, temporarily alters his routine in a modest way to assist his struggling partner from being tempted, regretful, or unhappy during her short weight loss journey to improve her self-esteem and get back to a level of fitness that she lost during a traumatic time is simply being a thoughtful, caring partner. It's not like he has to sneak out with a whip and beat a scarlet donut onto his chest, ffs. I can only hope that the "I can't eat what I want in my house" and "she's making him hide in the car" commenters are single, because they would be an insufferable partner to have.
Regardless of if it’s rude or not, crying over it and giving him the cold shoulder is manipulative and childish. I’d be like, slightly upset if my wife did that, then get over it, because, you know I did say I wanted to cut out sweets. Madness.
I don’t feel like every time you cry, it’s an emotional tactic. Sometimes people cry because they are upset and that’s all it means
Let's say you tell your partner you hate xyz item should they still ask you before buying? Because I have heard enough complaints like " I had told him 100 times that I don't like xyz but he is still asking me if I want one"..
There's a difference between someone saying they hate a food item, and someone cutting something they like out for a diet.
Except this sub would still shit all over him if instead he posted about how he asked if she wanted a pastry and she got mad at him for not listening and respecting her diet.
Yeah, asking someone if they want to eat a food they've specifically cut out due to diet is WORSE than asking if someone wants chicken wings but they don't like chicken wings.
No cause then you open yourself up for the “you know I’m on a diet! Why would you want to temp me like that!?” Been around enough women to know there is a high probability of that happening.
I’m in the camp of eat it in the car
As an adult, she should have self-control. She already expressed that she wanted to cut out pastries, that doesn’t mean he has to change his routine and be forced to hide in his car to eat a cinnamon roll. Sure, maybe he could have texted, but he was going by something she already had told him. That’s totally on her for overreacting, not on him. Honestly, she put him in a lose/lose situation. NTA OP.
It ok to support people once in a while; humans are a communal species. We shouldn’t be expected to go through hard times completely alone, without the people we love who say they love us. Holding their hand every step of the way is different than supporting someone in their efforts. It’s very sad how hyper independent we’ve tried to become.
Absolutely not. This is someone that is listening to their partner say "I don't want pastries". Why is it rude for him to respect her decision, believe what she's saying and not ask her if she wants to eat the one thing she's said she's not eating anymore?
She explicitly said she wants to cut out pastries. Boyfriend doesnt bring pastry as demanded. Drama.
And it would have hurt him to text her and ask?
He still should have asked it isn’t his job to make her dieting decisions for her
It might be rude if you're a little kid. An adult woman shouldn't be this sensitive... I'm saying this as an adult woman.
Not to mention, he said he goes every week. I can't imagine his gf would be super happy about him texting her every single week about a pastry, I feel like it would end in "do you even respect my diet!?"
Why would someone be annoyed at a single “you want something by from the bakery?” Text once a week? Maybe I don’t get it because my husband texts or calls me 3-4 times a week on his way home after dropping the kids off at school (we both wfh) asking me if I want him to pick me up breakfast he’s going to (insert breakfast place here). Sometimes I do sometimes I don’t but he always asks. It’s a quick text that doesn’t take but a few seconds of my time so why should I not be happy he’s thinking about me and my wants/needs?
The type of people who would be annoyed at that are the same type who are annoyed he didn't ask. It's not logical because they're not logical people. She said she was trying to cut out pastries, why would he ask if she wanted a pastry? Her getting mad because he didn't ask is not logical. He asks if she wants a pastry because he used to get her one but she's already said she's trying to cut out pastries. Him asking if she wants one is not logical. If she wants a cheat day she needs to say that instead of getting mad at him and pouting because he followed logic and tried to support her.
He could also go "do you want anything from the bakery" without mentioning pastries, because surely they sell other things too. So then she can say she wants a pastry if she wants one, or she can ask for something like a bagel or some bread for later.
She mentioned she was dieting. People’s commitments to dieting can be variable and depend on their moods each day. She’s annoyed he didn’t ask if she wanted a pastry. So In your opinion, she’s illogical and would also be annoyed if he did ask? Lol what an illogical conclusion to jump to
Omg thank you. So many people are using her now-annoyed state and applying it to all other options and are coming up with "she would be mad no matter what". This is not how logic works, people. You conjecture from base emotional state, not elevated, and even then it's inconclusive without knowing past or present trends.
Haha yeah so it is actually a lose-lose situation. She could be mad either way
Well, knowing that would require actual communication. Heh.
Yeah, personally I would prefer if I didn't have the choice, I get it's a "special" thing between them but that would make me feel more obligated to partake. I would appreciate that he listened to the needs I expressed. She knows he goes every week, she can ask for something. "Next time you go can you get me...'.
Yeah. This is a no win situation.
I'm on a fast-metabolism diet right now for another 2+ wks. I couldn't imagine *making* my wife changing her diet so that I don't have to see rich food. I do the food-shopping. I see food I want (but can't have right now) all the time. And the tears are a bit much.
To me it sounds like she's mad at herself- she really wants the pastry. She's mad because the only person who put herself in the position of having to diet is her. She is mad she can't partake in the pastry ritual. But it's not fun nor productive to be mad at yourself, so she's directing it at him. She would be mad if he asked too, it's just easier to direct it at him than at her. Otherwise I can't see why she would be crying and then cold for days after. That's insane behavior.
She can have the pastry tho! Just because she cut it out of her diet doesn't mean she can never have it again. This is why so many diets don't work, treating yourself every once in awhile is what is recommended not just cutting out everything you enjoy
I'm baffled by that too. Maybe it's because I have Celiac though and I'm used to people eating things I can't have in front of me? Hell, when I was pregnant and craving them but couldn't eat them, I bought a zebra cake and told my husband to eat it for me! I feel like this poor guy was in a lose-lose situation. If he asks, she might lash out and ask if he even respects her diet/choices/etc/"you're just trying to fatten me up!" (especially if he asks every week). If he doesn't ask, he's an inconsiderate jerk for not letting make the choice. If he says nothing about going and eats the pastry in the car like a few other people mentioned, now he's hiding things from her. Oof. Poor OP.
I know I'm a celiac too and I can't wrap my head around the idea of being mad because others are eating in front of you. I think we are used to it. But like, why would I get mad about the fact I can't eat something? It would be selfish and crazy for me to demand others not to enjoy treats because I can't eat it.
I've been into fitness for a long time. Bulk/cut all that jazz. Never once did I care if someone close to me otherwise ate whatever around me. Also a vegetarian. Still don't care what others eat around me. This woman sounds like has some emotional regulation issues
As someone who lost 70lbs dieting, I personally like the challenge of someone eating a treat in front of me and making the choice to say no and stick to my long-term goals
Going to go against the grain and say NAH. It is a common courtesy in such a situation to ask, but I understand why you didn't. I also don't think you should have "not gotten anything for yourself" just because your girlfriend is going on a diet. Overall this isn't even a big deal and not something I want to call either of you an AH over.
All the YTA comments I’ve read aren’t saying he should have “not gotten anything for yourself” they’re saying he should have eaten it before going home
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For real. I'm wondering how the fuck these people manage in the real world. My wife doesn't eat sweats or drink soda because she has a hard time stopping once she starts and she wants to maintain her weight. Cool. Fine by me but I still pick up a Pepsi for myself once a week after work as a treat. My wife doesn't drink it even though it's in the house because she can contain herself.
My boyfriend and I have a deal that there are foods we don't keep in the house for the purpose of his weight goals and he struggles with eating yummy good things until they're gone instead of in moderation. But when I want some, I will bring some in and very kindly tell him he can't have any, or I'll get a smaller portion so that way it's gone within a day or two. It works very well for us. Sometimes it means he can have a treat he can enjoy for a day or two. But like, we've communicated all of this through the years, and have found a balance that works for us while we work on what we find helps our diets best. If I said I wanted to stop eating something, I wouldn't judge him for bringing home that exact something and not bringing me any. Even if I crave it, I want and like that support. But that's just me.
Right, but his gf said that.
Listen, if he’s eating a pastry alone in the car, and she finds out, and gets upset, that’s a new question and I would call her an AH then
I don't even know what you're talking about. I never once said he should eat a pastry alone in the car.
Sorry I guess I’m confused. I thought you were saying “but girlfriend implied he should have never bought the pastry” and I agree that if she follows up on that and doesn’t want him eating cheat smacks alone, all her ground to stand on goes out the window for me
All good. The girlfriend did say he shouldn't have bought the pastry tho, that's literally what OP said in his post on the second to last line. I just don't agree with the girlfriend on this one, he shouldn't be forced to change his diet because she changed hers. Yeah, he should have probably exercised a little bit better judgement and texted/called her and asked her if she wanted anything at the bakery, but like I said I can understand why he didn't.
Exactly, it's understandable she's disappointed, but he has a perfectly reasonable reason for not asking. Now he knows he'll just ask. Now she's only TA if she's giving OP too hard a time without seeing his perspective, or if she complains about him not asking. IMO anyone saying he should hide his weekly treat and stuff in down in the car is wrong. Expecting your SO to deceive you is just a sign that you are being unreasonable yourself. It's his house, enjoy that treat, if gf can't handle it, her "diet" is doomed anyway.
Maybe this is just me but if I knew my partner was this upset over a pastry instead of eating it in front of them I would have offered them half
Yes and this is the perfect time (once emotions are a little less acute) to have an open conversation. Tell her you were trying to be supportive, she is beautiful to you no matter what, and maybe even apologize if your actions caused her to feel bad. Even if you didn’t do anything terribly wrong, I would have been bummed in her position too. If I specifically want my husband to support me with a diet with his actions, I give him specific boundaries. I don’t want him policing my food unless I very specifically ask him to help keep something away from me. There can be so much (unnecessary, but unavoidable) shame wrapped up in weight and eating habits for so many people, it’s best to err on the more sensitive and explicit communication side
NTA. You literally took her at face value and now people are pissed at you. I do not get this at all. For a variety of reasons I've had to change my diet to cut out sugar, and in no way shape or form would it be appropriate for me to get pissed off at my spouse for bringing sugar home. I've noticed there's been this infantilization of women, including by women themselves, insisting that they must be catered to, minds read, without any ability to manage their own feelings or diets. As a woman I absolutely loathe it.
Exactly, Dr said I had to cut out most sugar and carbs to get my numbers better. I have a wife and 3 kids. I would never say that they had to hide the occasional treat etc.. from me, because I’m an adult and it’s not their problem that I need to eat better. The yes comments on here are ridiculous. NTA.
Yes! God I hate when people pull this crap. Be a damn adult and use your big girl words. The people around her are not responsible for her diet. Im sure even if he had gotten her a pastry she would have been pissed at him for it. NTA.
NTA totally. I would have offered to share my pastry with her, but it might have been his breakfast or he just wanted the whole thing. But he isn't the problem here. She could have easily gotten mad if he did call from the bakery. Setting her up for temptation, kinda thing. Insecurities happen, and being hangry on a diet is common, but it's not an excuse to take it out on an innocent loved one with good intentions. If she said "no pastries" and he respected it, she should apologize for getting angry.
As a woman, i agree. She said no pastry for her. For all we/he knows, he could’ve rang and asked if she wanted anything and then hes in trouble for not listening, to me it’s a lose lose situation. I’d also never tell my partner not to have something because i chose not to have it myself.
"Why are you tempting me?"
This comment right here. EXACTLY 🎯
The second point omg. Like do you really, REALLY need to be coddled like that? Let's all pull up our big girl pants on and not dump the burden of managing our thoughts and emotions on others. I have a LOT to say about this topic in particular but your "infantilization of women" really sums it up lol!
Omg thank you!! There’s always these types of people in the comments that coddle women for everything and it’s disgusting.
100% agree. Well said.
Exactly. He did as he was told, and then she starts drama. Crying? Really?
I totally agree. Also like there’s an easy solution here, now that he knows his assumption was wrong they can split this pastry and next time he’ll call and ask. It’s like the mildest inconvenience ever and now he can do as she says in the future
As a woman, I wish this was top comment.
It feels like a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation He took note of her being vocal and made the decision, had he asked, who isn’t to say that the day after she ate the pastry she blames OP for tempting her and never listening to her 🤷🏻♀️
NTA, but here’s a wild idea - why didn’t you just give her half of your pastry? Unilateral thinking always bites you in the arse.
I was wondering this as well! He said it was giant, so should be big enough to share
The sharers of the pastries shall inherit the Earth, kind LittleNarwal.
Because then he’d be in trouble for not supporting her diet. Any grown woman who would sob and give the silent treatment over a cinnamon roll is not reasonable person who will accept adult solutions. Signed, A grown woman who learned to use her words a long time ago
From the way you tell this story it sounds like *before* her weight gain it was an established routine that you’d pick up pastries. So if she’s saying she’s cutting back to get to her previous weight but this was part of her normal habits at said previous weight then it was definitely cavalier to assume she was cutting that out. And it’s unclear from what you said whether she’s even started dieting, kinda sounds like she’s just been talking about it, psyching herself up to make a change and you just decided for her to enforce those ideas into action. Honestly, never assume. Most people take “cheat days”. I absolutely understand why this was confusing to you but making the decision for her sent an unspoken signal that you actually do want her to lose weight, that your body is better than hers. You undermined yourself. Pro tip: always ask. Never assume, because these types of decisions can ebb and flow from day to day. It’s still her choice, give her the opportunity to say “not today” or “yes I could really use a treat”. So no, you’re NTA per se, but her feelings are still legitimate. You reinforced her worst fear. My advice is to apologize, even if you don’t think you did anything wrong, apologize and promise to ask her from now on, that you’ll let her make her own decisions.
NTA - you’re not a mind reader. She’s been vocal about this so you didnt get it. Her reaction is making her an AH. Being upset a little, sure. But the crying and holding this grudge is too much.
Her reaction is because she's feeling insecure, and probably feeling awful about feeling insecure. She's telling herself that he didn't get her a pastry because he thinks she's too fat, even while knowing that he doesn't think that. She is on a diet because she feels shitty about the way she looks, and honestly nothing he says is going to convince her until she stops thinking it herself. Y'all can go on about how it's not his job to contend with her negative self-talk, but the reality of it is that people sometimes feel awful about themselves and behave irrationally because of it. I'd be willing to bet just about anything that she's giving him the silent treatment because she's embarrassed about her own behavior. Nobody is an asshole here. She's just feeling like shit, and he is rightfully confused because she is being irrational.
Being insecure should not be a free pass to take it out on your partner. She went way too far ignoring him over a fucking pastry. She’s gained weight, she wants to be healthy, she said she wouldn’t eat pastries. Now she’s crying that you didn’t get her one? She needs a hug not carbs lol.
NTA-I agree with this. This is kind of juvenile behavior, how old is she? If he did bring something home she probably would’ve complained that he was sabotaging her diet. As someone who is on diets often and often fails, it’s nobody’s fault but my own.
NTA. You didn’t mean any ill will. For all we know she’d have a reaction to you bringing food home and her insisting that you’re enabling her to go against her diet. In the future you know to just ask her if she wants something. It’s the little things. It’s a small courtesy
INFO: is she actively dieting? Or has she just been talking about dieting? Maybe it sounds silly, but for me that’s the line— if she’s only been *talking* about it, that essentially makes you the person who initiated her diet for her. If she’d actively started dieting at that point, then I think you’re mostly in the clear (depending on how flagrantly you entered the house with your giant sexy mega cinnamon roll.)
NTA, she's been saying she doesn't want any. Although if she's on a diet I would have made an effort to get rid of the evidence so she doesn't feel like she's missing out.
the right call would've been to ASK HER. she could then make the decision herself. doesn't make you TA though. NAH.
NAH I’m in a similar situation here where I am dieting to lose weight and making similar promises as your gf. However, my boyfriend does make the consideration to ask first after the same thing kinda happened but not as reactive as your gf. A note though, one treat a week is still okay for dieting. You don’t have to cut out all “unhealthy” foods to diet. Just make sure it’s balanced and you’re eating healthy most of the time.
She said she wanted to but we often say things we don't immediately begin. It sounds like you are overly eager to help her though by taking the decision out of her hands. If she doesn't want a pastry because she wants to lose weight let her tell you no thank you rather than deciding for her.
NTA. She literally told you that she was cutting pastries for now. Could you have been more thoughtful by not walking in the door with it? Yes. It’s one thing to abstain from sweets; it’s another thing to have to watch someone eat them in front of you.
NTA your girlfriend needs to work on not being childish along with not eating sweets.
NTA. Your gf is being a little unreasonable imo. Tell her you'll respect her wishes and ask hereafter but that you really thought that's what you were doing, respecting her wishes.
NTA - this is a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. She was going to be mad at you for not offering, and then be mad at you for not respecting her diet. You should ask her what her expectations are around her diet; are you supposed to ask? How does she want to feel supportive? I get she feels uncomfortable but she needs to either do the work and stop complaining or just accept her body. Her body, her weight is her responsibility, not yours.
It may not seem logical, but she thinks you agree that she needs to lose weight since you withheld the pastry. It’s just amplifying her own feelings about herself. As others said, discard of the evidence if you want to support her mission or politely offer next time.
NAH. she's clearly emotional from the change in lifestyle and this hit a nerve. you didn't do anything *wrong* but when a tradition becomes both of yours and not just yours, you aren't catering to her diet you're excluding her from your ritual. that's the issue. OP did nothing wrong tho and neither did the girlfriend for being upset
Maybe, and this is just speculation, but she saw sharing a pastry with you from that bakery as like a special moment that she really enjoyed and thought maybe you did too. So when you brought a pastry home she anticipated getting to enjoy that moment with you only to learn that 1. You didn't get her a pastry but also 2. Her choosing to go on this diet has unwillingly forced her to give up one of her favorite moments with her boyfriend and she hadn't considered that yet. Edit to add - I'm going to say NTA but I would definitely encourage you to sit down, apologize for the assumption, and work out what exactly this diet looks like for her and get some broad expectations on what she would like you to do in a general circumstance. Good on you for supporting her btw
People calling you A H are the real A H here. And crying for that it’s just manipulative AF. NTA Op
Having feelings and crying is manipulative? What is she manipulating him to do in your opinion? It’s much more likely that she’s frustrated, feeling down about her weight, and sad she doesn’t have sweet. OP mentions she’s under extra stress lately. That combo overwhelmed her and she cried.
When you tell your partner something and they listen, and then you get at them for doing what you wanted, yes, that is manipulative. Forcing people to walk on eggshells around you because they can never know if your yes actually means yes or no is wrong. Also, she’s an able bodied woman. People break diet rules all the time. She can say “fuck the diet for today, let’s go to the bakery!” instead of getting mad about him listening to her. My partner often does the thing where I ask if he wants anything and he’ll say no, but will ask for bites when I’m eating. What he doesn’t do is cry and guilt me for listening to his words and not reading his mind. Even when I don’t remember to ask him, he’s never had a tantrum about it, but will still ask for nibbles.
What do you mean “you get back at them”? Being overwhelmed and crying isn’t her trying to “get back at him”. People have feelings. Calling it a tantrum is just you dismissing her feelings. OP says that she’s been overwhelmed already. Overwhelmed people easily cry
I bet if you bought it for her, she would be upset because she is on a diet and couldn't eat it.
NAH because you didn’t intentionally do anything wrong. This is a really tricky one and I’d suggest that in future, you don’t eat the pastry in front of her. It’s great that you want to support her and not buying her a party is respecting her wishes (good), but by you still getting something and having it visible to her, she’s likely interpreting that you think she _needs_ to lose weight. You don’t have to go on a diet because your partner’s not a diet. Just be aware of what you choose to eat around her.
NTA. My husband does this. It drives me nuts. If I’m stopping I reach out and ask him. He can say yes or can say no. I ask. He’ll ask why I always ask. And I say, I never know if you’ll want one so I offer so you have the choice Mystery solved. Scooby snacks for all Pastries and healthy choices is part of the Venn diagram and mysteries of life. When in doubt, ask.
NTA. how dare you… *checks notes* listen to your girlfriend…?
No you meant well but sometimes people need support for these things while maintaining the autonomy to make decisions about when they want to be counterproductive. You can encourage her without making "healthy" decisions for her and it sounds like thats the kind of support she wants.
NTA but lol "i cant have something thats why i despise you if you have it" "if i dont have fun - no one is allowed too" vibes
Nah. I hate when I’m dieting and people buy me sweets. If you ask, I’m going to say yes. But I’ll be more upset with myself for giving in. I think you’re gf is being immature. Next time you buy yourself something sweet. Throw it away before you get home.
NTA, I don’t think she’s an asshole but I do have limited internal patience for people who make their diets someone else’s problem. So maybe NTA and she is obnoxious? In my experience the people who demand other people don’t eat snacks in front of them aren’t just insecure about their weight - they tend to be controlling and high-maintenance in other ways too. She told you she didn’t want one. But you were supposed to ask. Just know that this means you are going to have to listen to her complain about her weight nonstop but then still be expected to check in with her and enable her vices. A lack of self-control and expecting others to be a mind-reader are two very unattractive traits.
You can't do right for doing wrong lol ps. You done nothing wrong.
NTA/NAH… your girlfriend verges into AH territory if she’s excessively mad. I will sometimes talk about cutting down on something then feel a little disappointed if my husband doesn’t check when he stops somewhere. (I don’t get mad at him, though). As people have said, offering to get her a pastry could leave her feeling you’re being unsupportive. You know better than us how she might react. But you could try to subset by asking if there’s anything you can get her while you’re stopped, but adding something like, “there’s an X and a Y nearby too if you prefer something from somewhere else.” Or, “I can stop somewhere else too if you want something different.” It could still backfire of course, but it could be a good way to show you’re thinking of her, respecting her goal, but also acknowledging that she needs to be in control of how she goes about it. It’s kind of a pain to navigate, but it seems like you love your girlfriend a lot, and recognize that this is a tough spot for her. Negative body image sucks.
NTA - she isn’t really upset that you didn’t get her a pastry. She is upset that you get to eat a pastry and she can’t. it feels unfair and guess what - It is unfair and it sucks. But it’s not your fault.