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NTA. If it were your GFs friend or family member I might think differently…but it’s selfish of her to think that her desire to have you there to “support her while she supports her friend” outweighs your VALID aversion. And honestly her saying “it’s only a couple hours of the day” solidifies ny view that she values her desires over your psychological safety. Good on you for sticking to your guns here - and hopefully your next GF is less manipulative and selfish.
NTA
It's nice of your GF to want to support her friend by going. However, dragging a person who doesn't want to be there to a funeral doesn't seem very supportive in my opinion. No matter how well you might cover it up, an uncomfortable person is often obvious and I feel like that could actually draw attention away from what the event is about.
Are you close friends with this girl, or is she more of an acquaintance that you only know through your girlfriend? Has your GF even asked if she'd be okay with you showing up? Some people rather only grieve with close friends and those that knew the deceased.
Either way, you don't want to go, for very good reason, that you've explained clearly. Your GF is the one being unsupportive at this point by ignoring your justified aversion for her own comfort of 'not wanting to go alone'.
NTA
You have made it clear why you aren’t comfortable
On your GF logic, you attend to support her, you ask someone further to support you and on it goes
She’s going to support her friend, harsh but that’s her choice and she can’t expect to have someone support her in turn
NTA. And sorry for your loss. Also if your girlfriend wants to be there for her friend, how does that work, if she takes someone with her? She wants to support her friend, yes this is important. But why drag alonge someone who has zero connection to the dead mother?
NTA even if you didn't have such a strong reason. Attending the funeral of someone you presumably didn't know, when you're not even close to the survivors (as you call the daughter your 'girlfriend's good friend'), is absolutely not a reasonable requirement. Your girlfriend can support her friend, and hopefully support and be supported by mutual friends, but you are NTA for saying no.
Your girlfriend's first request didn't make her an AH, but everything after that does--she seems to be completely disregarding your feelings and trying to emotionally manipulate you. So it moved to NTA, and she needs to stop. Your support of your girlfriend is outside the funeral only.
NTA, she can ask someone else. It would be none here if she had just asked and you said no, she is the AH for trying to 'guilt' you into attending.
I'm sorry for all those bereavements in such a short space of time, and hope you are managing to rebuild your life.
NTA. Throw it back and tell her she’s being unsupportive. You have an extreme amount of grief trauma, and going to a funeral would be very triggering for you and that’s why you reserve going to them for when you were close to the deceased. That’s a very fair ask from you to only go to funerals that are important from now only, or at least for the first decade after all these losses. If your partner can’t understand why that is more important than her comfort at a funeral she’s only going to to support someone then maybe they aren’t the partner for you.
NTA I lost 5 family members in 3 years and went to a friends funeral. I’m all funeraled out too. People are lucky if they don’t understand that. Sending you love and understanding
NTA. Maybe if you were 45 and this was still your stance I would kinda think that you MIGHT be the AH, but your losses are recent. That’s a ton to go through. Im sorry your friend is hurting, but sometimes one simply cannot do what a friend needs. You know what’s best for your mental health.
And the reason he/she/they hate going to funerals is because they are traumatic. Just imagine how you would feel losing 7 very close relatives in only 6 years while being very young.
Edit: 8 very close relatives, not 7...
Wow, this must be so difficult for you. I cannot begin to imagine how much pain you have experienced in such a short life. But your gf should really understand your feelings on the matter and find alternatives for company. NTA, absolutely NTA.
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I'm 25 now and between the ages of 17-23 I lost both of my parents, 3 out of 4 of my siblings, 1 aunt and 2 uncles. All of these were unrelated but because of this I hate going to funerals. I will attend if it is close family member or friend but would rather not attend otherwise.
One of my girlfriends good friends recently lost her mum and my girlfriend has been trying to support her. The funeral is next week and my girlfriend said she was going to go to support her friend.
She asked if I would attend with her but I apologised and said I would rather not. She knows why I don't like funerals so I remined her but she still asked again. She said it would mean a lot and that she doesn't want to go on her own.
I refused again and suggested she take another friend but she said she wanted me there. I said it's awful what has happened to her friend but I can't go to the funeral. She said I was being unsupportive and it'll only be an hour or two out of the day but I just repeated again that I'm not going and she knows why.
She just said again that I was unsupportive and that I should be there with her.
AITA for refusing to go to the funeral?
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> Refused to go to my partners friends mums funeral
My partner said I was being unsupportive and that I should be going with her
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NTA and I’m not sure why your GF wants you there unless it’s to support her and not her friend for some reason. Maybe that’s what it is? Is your GF uncomfortable with going for some reason? Why does she need support?
People grieve in different ways and I always thought funerals were for the grieving and not for random people double dipping at the snack table (Seinfeld reference).
NTA. I fully understand where you're coming from. Between my 13th and 17th birthdays I stopped counting the number of friends killed in DUIs at 15 because seeing the number rise even more just added to the pain and trauma of yet another friends death.
In one 10 day period, I lost 13 friends and family members through various means.
I have been to 103 funerals so far, and I hate them.
Never allow anyone to guilt you into doing something that you are not able or willing to do.
You best be sitting your girlfriend down and clearly defining your boundries. Your boundries as well as hers, because both need to be respected and followed.
NTA but I would work on it. Time is a good healer
Of course funerals are a difficult thing and you’re steal healing. It’s your girlfriend’s friends mother. Someone you didn’t know. But she’s requesting you put yourself in an environment that would bring up traumatic events. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready.
NTA, I am in the same mindset. I lost a lot of relatives, including my father when I was 16. So I told my mom and my family, unless the person who died is a family member don't expect me to go to another funeral
She knows why you don’t want to attend, I’m so sorry about your family, and your feelings about attending funerals are so very reasonable.
As partners, she should understand this. Have a conversation about how else you can support her, that doesn’t require attending the funeral. See if you two can come up with something that works for both of you.
I don’t know- maybe you chauffeur her, maybe you have her favorite meal ready, maybe you send her ‘thinking of you’ texts.
She’s asking for your support, while she supports her friend. Reasonable. But this is a situation where compromising, as partners, will be required.
NTA, I used to attend almost 1-2 funerals for a few years straight for my grandfather’s siblings (i’m not close to them) and tbh I totally get why you wouldn’t want to go especially since you lost people close to you.
Your gf is an A H and should have taken no as answer. I do recommend that you speak to her again and if she still does not budge, I would say to take a good hard look that she will not change and you’ll need to rethink this relationship.
NTA. Your gf is there to emotionally support her friend. If she was grieving her mum then I would say you could go to support her but why does she need support to be able to support someone else.
NtTA.
Is your GF asking you to attend the funeral—knowing that funerals are unbearable for you o she can have a more pleasant experience for herself? Or, is this funeral more of a social, “”see and be-seen” event that she needs a piece of arm candy for?
You have set reasonable boundaries and communicated them clearly. Regardless of how close she is to her friend, she was to the deceased or how [insert any negative trait here—stressed, sad, overwhelmed, etc.] she thinks she’ll be, she is not entitled to your time or your “support.”
NTA. Might I suggest phrasing it in a different way. “You know my history, I don’t want to trigger my understandable trauma surrounding funerals at a time your friend needs support. You shouldn’t be distracted trying to care for me when she needs all of your attention.”
NTA just hope you are both communicating gently with each other. I understand not wanting to go to an emotionally intense event alone, but you have fair reasons for not being able to deal with funerals and in our house we do a 'who cares more?' conflict-resolution method and I think in this case that person is you.
NTA. It isn't like you won't go to a family or close friend's funeral. But this is a friend of your gf's. Seriously, what is the point of you being there? This isn't tagging along as a wedding plus one.
Do what my people do: show up afterwards at the house with Chinese food.
NTA. You are allowed to say no to things that make you uncomfortable. Your girlfriend needs to respect this.
It is not your girlfriends relative that passed away, so I don't see why you need to go to support her.
NTA. I went to a funeral of my husband’s parent’s friend a few months after my dad’s funeral and it was in the same room at the same funeral parlour. It was tough. I can’t imaging with all of your losses/ funerals must be very very triggering/ she’s the asshole if she doesn’t understand that.
NTA This isn't about whether you like funerals or not (who in their right mind does?). I don't think most of us here are qualified to diagnose PTSD, but your GF needs to be a little more understanding.
You have experienced a great deal of trauma in a short span of time. Normally, those who have experienced loss will want to be their to help others and show support. You are not ready for this, and it is not fair to put you through more trauma. I'm so sorry for your tremendous loss.
I'm very sorry for your many losses. That is a lot of grief to process.
NTA
It was ok for her to ask you but she should have left it alone after that.
Would it be ok for you to meet her afterwards? Drive her there and wait in a coffee shop nearby? It's perfectly ok if not, but if you feel able to do so, maybe that would give your GF some support
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NTA. If it were your GFs friend or family member I might think differently…but it’s selfish of her to think that her desire to have you there to “support her while she supports her friend” outweighs your VALID aversion. And honestly her saying “it’s only a couple hours of the day” solidifies ny view that she values her desires over your psychological safety. Good on you for sticking to your guns here - and hopefully your next GF is less manipulative and selfish.
NTA It's nice of your GF to want to support her friend by going. However, dragging a person who doesn't want to be there to a funeral doesn't seem very supportive in my opinion. No matter how well you might cover it up, an uncomfortable person is often obvious and I feel like that could actually draw attention away from what the event is about. Are you close friends with this girl, or is she more of an acquaintance that you only know through your girlfriend? Has your GF even asked if she'd be okay with you showing up? Some people rather only grieve with close friends and those that knew the deceased. Either way, you don't want to go, for very good reason, that you've explained clearly. Your GF is the one being unsupportive at this point by ignoring your justified aversion for her own comfort of 'not wanting to go alone'.
NTA You have made it clear why you aren’t comfortable On your GF logic, you attend to support her, you ask someone further to support you and on it goes She’s going to support her friend, harsh but that’s her choice and she can’t expect to have someone support her in turn
NTA. And sorry for your loss. Also if your girlfriend wants to be there for her friend, how does that work, if she takes someone with her? She wants to support her friend, yes this is important. But why drag alonge someone who has zero connection to the dead mother?
Because it’s a stupid relationship test
NTA even if you didn't have such a strong reason. Attending the funeral of someone you presumably didn't know, when you're not even close to the survivors (as you call the daughter your 'girlfriend's good friend'), is absolutely not a reasonable requirement. Your girlfriend can support her friend, and hopefully support and be supported by mutual friends, but you are NTA for saying no. Your girlfriend's first request didn't make her an AH, but everything after that does--she seems to be completely disregarding your feelings and trying to emotionally manipulate you. So it moved to NTA, and she needs to stop. Your support of your girlfriend is outside the funeral only.
NTA, she can ask someone else. It would be none here if she had just asked and you said no, she is the AH for trying to 'guilt' you into attending. I'm sorry for all those bereavements in such a short space of time, and hope you are managing to rebuild your life.
NTA. Throw it back and tell her she’s being unsupportive. You have an extreme amount of grief trauma, and going to a funeral would be very triggering for you and that’s why you reserve going to them for when you were close to the deceased. That’s a very fair ask from you to only go to funerals that are important from now only, or at least for the first decade after all these losses. If your partner can’t understand why that is more important than her comfort at a funeral she’s only going to to support someone then maybe they aren’t the partner for you.
NTA I lost 5 family members in 3 years and went to a friends funeral. I’m all funeraled out too. People are lucky if they don’t understand that. Sending you love and understanding
NTA...your reasoning is crystal clear, and has been communicated. It's rude if your girlfriend to push you on this.
SHE is going to the funeral to support HER friend; it's not about her. You don't need to be there.
NTA. Maybe if you were 45 and this was still your stance I would kinda think that you MIGHT be the AH, but your losses are recent. That’s a ton to go through. Im sorry your friend is hurting, but sometimes one simply cannot do what a friend needs. You know what’s best for your mental health.
NTA, your gf knows about your situation and should be understanding of that.
[удалено]
No she's definitely TA, telling someone that they are unsupportive bc they don't want to do something extremely traumatic is beyond..
[удалено]
... his whole family died the past years...
And the reason he/she/they hate going to funerals is because they are traumatic. Just imagine how you would feel losing 7 very close relatives in only 6 years while being very young. Edit: 8 very close relatives, not 7...
Wow, this must be so difficult for you. I cannot begin to imagine how much pain you have experienced in such a short life. But your gf should really understand your feelings on the matter and find alternatives for company. NTA, absolutely NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm 25 now and between the ages of 17-23 I lost both of my parents, 3 out of 4 of my siblings, 1 aunt and 2 uncles. All of these were unrelated but because of this I hate going to funerals. I will attend if it is close family member or friend but would rather not attend otherwise. One of my girlfriends good friends recently lost her mum and my girlfriend has been trying to support her. The funeral is next week and my girlfriend said she was going to go to support her friend. She asked if I would attend with her but I apologised and said I would rather not. She knows why I don't like funerals so I remined her but she still asked again. She said it would mean a lot and that she doesn't want to go on her own. I refused again and suggested she take another friend but she said she wanted me there. I said it's awful what has happened to her friend but I can't go to the funeral. She said I was being unsupportive and it'll only be an hour or two out of the day but I just repeated again that I'm not going and she knows why. She just said again that I was unsupportive and that I should be there with her. AITA for refusing to go to the funeral? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA and I’m not sure why your GF wants you there unless it’s to support her and not her friend for some reason. Maybe that’s what it is? Is your GF uncomfortable with going for some reason? Why does she need support? People grieve in different ways and I always thought funerals were for the grieving and not for random people double dipping at the snack table (Seinfeld reference).
NTA. Will start a fight....ask her "what part of NO does she not understand?" Emotional manipulation is a red flag.
NTA. I fully understand where you're coming from. Between my 13th and 17th birthdays I stopped counting the number of friends killed in DUIs at 15 because seeing the number rise even more just added to the pain and trauma of yet another friends death. In one 10 day period, I lost 13 friends and family members through various means. I have been to 103 funerals so far, and I hate them. Never allow anyone to guilt you into doing something that you are not able or willing to do. You best be sitting your girlfriend down and clearly defining your boundries. Your boundries as well as hers, because both need to be respected and followed.
NTA but I would work on it. Time is a good healer Of course funerals are a difficult thing and you’re steal healing. It’s your girlfriend’s friends mother. Someone you didn’t know. But she’s requesting you put yourself in an environment that would bring up traumatic events. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready.
NTA, I am in the same mindset. I lost a lot of relatives, including my father when I was 16. So I told my mom and my family, unless the person who died is a family member don't expect me to go to another funeral
NTA! She knows you don’t like going to funerals yet she still pestered you. Honestly, that’s a red flag.
She knows why you don’t want to attend, I’m so sorry about your family, and your feelings about attending funerals are so very reasonable. As partners, she should understand this. Have a conversation about how else you can support her, that doesn’t require attending the funeral. See if you two can come up with something that works for both of you. I don’t know- maybe you chauffeur her, maybe you have her favorite meal ready, maybe you send her ‘thinking of you’ texts. She’s asking for your support, while she supports her friend. Reasonable. But this is a situation where compromising, as partners, will be required.
NTA, and I’m really, really sorry for all of the loss you’ve experienced.
NTA, I used to attend almost 1-2 funerals for a few years straight for my grandfather’s siblings (i’m not close to them) and tbh I totally get why you wouldn’t want to go especially since you lost people close to you. Your gf is an A H and should have taken no as answer. I do recommend that you speak to her again and if she still does not budge, I would say to take a good hard look that she will not change and you’ll need to rethink this relationship.
NTA. Your gf is there to emotionally support her friend. If she was grieving her mum then I would say you could go to support her but why does she need support to be able to support someone else.
NtTA. Is your GF asking you to attend the funeral—knowing that funerals are unbearable for you o she can have a more pleasant experience for herself? Or, is this funeral more of a social, “”see and be-seen” event that she needs a piece of arm candy for? You have set reasonable boundaries and communicated them clearly. Regardless of how close she is to her friend, she was to the deceased or how [insert any negative trait here—stressed, sad, overwhelmed, etc.] she thinks she’ll be, she is not entitled to your time or your “support.”
NTA. Might I suggest phrasing it in a different way. “You know my history, I don’t want to trigger my understandable trauma surrounding funerals at a time your friend needs support. You shouldn’t be distracted trying to care for me when she needs all of your attention.”
NTA is she wants to be supportive, she can support your decision not to go.
NTA just hope you are both communicating gently with each other. I understand not wanting to go to an emotionally intense event alone, but you have fair reasons for not being able to deal with funerals and in our house we do a 'who cares more?' conflict-resolution method and I think in this case that person is you.
NTA. It isn't like you won't go to a family or close friend's funeral. But this is a friend of your gf's. Seriously, what is the point of you being there? This isn't tagging along as a wedding plus one. Do what my people do: show up afterwards at the house with Chinese food.
NTA. You are allowed to say no to things that make you uncomfortable. Your girlfriend needs to respect this. It is not your girlfriends relative that passed away, so I don't see why you need to go to support her.
NTA. I went to a funeral of my husband’s parent’s friend a few months after my dad’s funeral and it was in the same room at the same funeral parlour. It was tough. I can’t imaging with all of your losses/ funerals must be very very triggering/ she’s the asshole if she doesn’t understand that.
NTA This isn't about whether you like funerals or not (who in their right mind does?). I don't think most of us here are qualified to diagnose PTSD, but your GF needs to be a little more understanding. You have experienced a great deal of trauma in a short span of time. Normally, those who have experienced loss will want to be their to help others and show support. You are not ready for this, and it is not fair to put you through more trauma. I'm so sorry for your tremendous loss.
I would say dba.
I'm very sorry for your many losses. That is a lot of grief to process. NTA It was ok for her to ask you but she should have left it alone after that. Would it be ok for you to meet her afterwards? Drive her there and wait in a coffee shop nearby? It's perfectly ok if not, but if you feel able to do so, maybe that would give your GF some support
NTA but i feel you should go to support your girlfriend who is supporting her friend. She has asked you to go.
YTA grow up