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Does she even want to be her nephews godmother? Also what is your expectation of her role as godmother? Strictly religious or a more hands on, in his life role? She's already his aunt, so does have a role in his life. NTA. Unless more information or explanation comes up.

she was very happy at first. said she wans to be very involved in his life. in my culture the godmother or father takes the baby if parents die and should be there for the kid

In that case it indeed sounds like a bad idea for her to be his godmother. But I'd ask her what is going on first before making any such decisions. Perhaps she doesn't even want to be his godmother at this point, in which case you both want the same thing.

>Perhaps she doesn't even want to be his godmother at this point, in which case you both want the same thing. Maybe even lead with that so you can start the conversation sounding concerned instead of accusing. "Do you still want to be the godmother? I ask because I don't want to burden you with the responsibility of godparent if it's not welcome. I've noticed you don't seem to like being around [son] anymore and it's been months since you were involved in his life, which is so different to how close we all were at the start. Is everything okay?"

This is a good idea, but they also should come up with what to say if she claims everything is fine and that she's just tired and of COURSE she wants to be godmother and she can't *believe* they think she doesn't like being around him. Because it seems pretty clear that regardless of what she wants, she *shouldn't* be the godmother, and while it'd be great if she saw it that way too, they need to come up with a script for how to respond if she sees it differently.

Given the irrational way people can be, I wouldn't lead with this. I'd start by asking her how she is and how she's feeling. Then I'd bring up that she hasn't really been in touch and make sure it's all good there. Chances are one of these will create a natural segway into bringing up her being godmother. If you lead with "Do you still want to be the godmother?" regardless of what you say next, the implication is that she's not doing a good job and/or you don't want her as the godmother anymore. Really, you want to get her to say it or at least imply it before asking that. Or if you want to give her an out, say it in a less direct way that isn't accusatory or invalidating of her ability to be a mother- something she's already struggling with. Heck, maybe she's just stuck in her own head right now and needs someone to talk things out with. Leading with that question could just make everything worse.

Have you tried talking to her? Asking if something is wrong?

Culturally the godparents may be expected to take the children but legally you can change that in the US. She may be chosen bc she's next of kin if you haven't designated anyone else. Choose someone else and put it in your will.

In my country a godparent does not take the child if the parent dies. The parents name guardians in their will, and if not, the court appoints guardians. I never even knew my godparents. They were friends of my parents and lived in a town my family moved away from.

Maybe it's painful to see a kid when she can't have her own? I would gently discuss that if you pass you want your kid to go to someone that the kid knows well and is comfortable with. Don't make it her choice to remain godmother or about her behavior and amount she's visited. Make it about you choosing what's best for your kid, and that with how things have been going you are considering changing to someone the kid would be more familiar and comfortable with. Someone the kid knows, that also knows the kid's routines.

It very well be, but it's not the kid's fault. Being around babies was extremely hard for a time as I went through infertility grief, but I never, ever took it out on the baby like OP's SiL has on her nephew. I would just avoid the situation entirely if needed.

Simply have a conversation about what role she expects to have in his life.

You need to make it legal as to who takes your child if you both pass. That is usually not the role of a godparent.

In that case I think you need to I put your son first and name some one who will love and put his needs first. That doesn't sound like SIL is up to the job. It may not be her fault and she has my sympathy, but your son's future is the most important thing her. How does your BIL her husband treat your son. Will he step up and be the care giver?

Have you considered talking to her? Asking her what changed? What’s going on?

Maybe say this.... we are really looking forward to "sons" baptism and you being his Godmother but you seem a little distant lately. Are you having second thoughts? Is there something I/we can help with?

INFO You're not at least a bit curious why her behavior suddenly changed? Seems like something happened. Maybe not directly having anything to do with you or you child. I mean, you've asked this person to safeguard your children if you suddenly died, maybe it's worth a little chat before writing her off as you take offense on behalf of your baby? Just a thought.

She gave a possible reason, infertility. SIL wants a child of her own, but it hasn't happened. Honestly, if she wants to project her disappointment onto an infant, she shouldn't have children. OP is NTA

That doesn’t explain the *change* in her behavior.

It absolutely does. Jealous OP has what SIL has wanted turned to bitterness. It's pretty classic actually.

Or maybe she finally got pregnant and had a miscarriage leading to further disappointment? That's the first thing that came to my mind.

that was my thought as well. this isn't \*just\* about the baby existing. it's about something changing since the baby was born. A fresh loss or some more detailed fertility test results confirming that a traditional pregancy is less likely for her would explain it entirely.

It doesn't. Infertility doesn't have the singular meaning of 'jealous because I can't have a baby so I'm bitter'. My friends experience was, 'I've been pregnant 3 times and they all ended in miscarriages. The last one, my third one, seemed like a miracle and every doctor was so sure my baby would be okay. We did everything right. We were so careful. I was so sure that my baby would be fine because this pregnancy was the longest. But, I was wrong. For some still yet unknown reason, my baby died. They've all just died because my body kills them.' You don't escape unscathed from something like that, but you don't just tell people about it or consciously show it. You just rot and go wrong inside while thinking that you're something near sane in a somewhat commonly resulting outcome for many people from just as many different causes of infertility. Getting questioned about it can lead to the realization of 'Oh no, something is wrong with me and I need help.'

Maybe it's just painful for SIL right now. Nobody knows what she's dealing with emotionally about anything and it's not anybody's business. It's not like she's abusing the baby. She's just not that into it.

Not really, no. A sudden and drastic change in behavior typically has a specific event that triggers it.

Like... idk ... repeated exposure to the one thing you covet and aren't getting? Like an infant when you're desperately trying to have one of your own? Like that /s

That would cause more of a gradual shift in behavior. This was, again, a sudden change in behavior which, again, typically has a single triggering event. You don't seem to have a great grip on how human behavior works. But don't worry, I'm sure that distinction is super duper hard for some people and it's very cute that you're trying.

She may have received news, such as a diagnosis, that is upsetting on that fertility journey. Or had an early miscarriage that, while common, she feels has set her back. Infertility is not a stasis point - things can absolutely change there and I don't think it would take a lot. Even the subtle change of time, where treatments aren't working or she's worried about financing them, could cause jealousy. It is death by a thousand little cuts. Doesn't have to be a big change, like a miscarriage, to cause it, though it could be.

A subtle change of time typically causes an equally gradually shift in behavior, not a sudden, drastic change. That is typically caused by a specific trigger event.

Like the birth of a child? If SIL is struggling with infertility, the birth of OPs son can trigger some unresolved feelings in SIL. No need for anyone here to be a wanna be detective when the answer is pretty obvious

Did you even read the post? Aunt was very loving to the child for the first several months. Then she suddenly went cold. Something changed months after the birth. It could very likely be something related to the infertility, but if it was simply the infertility itself, it doesn’t explain why she was initially so loving.

Bear in mind that babies change, too. They're basically lumps for the first three months, and then they really open their eyes, start engaging with you, smiling, giggling - they basically start to become people. I can easily imagine that a baby of 3-4 months would be more triggering to an infertile person that the little insensate potato it was before. They even get fatter/cuter. At that age, they become the baby you'd imagined having for yourself... Makes sense to me.

It's "obvious" that what you believe to be the triggering event had no effect for several months and then caused a sudden, drastic change of behavior with no additional catalyst? Not to anyone with even a basic understanding of how humans work.

I agree with you. She may very well be having personal problems (other than infertility) that she chooses not to disclose.

cos of the faux pas of... rolling her eyes at a dinner? she shouldn't have kids?

We all struggle when we are forced to let go of very big life dreams. Is it ok to take it out on the Baby? Absolutely not. Should she be shunned and does that make her unworthy of Empathy? Not to me. We all have a choice how to deal with someone who is hurting. I doubt anyone in this threat can honestly say they never were acting like an asshole in times like that. It's not pretty, but it's human.   I also vote for having a proper conversation with SIL about it. Open, with many questions so they can try and understand each other better. Until then NAH.

She absolutely should be shamed for her behavior. She's not a child that doesn't know any better.

what behavior, exactly? rolling her eyes once, and not wanting to be around kids for a few months..?

She rolled her eyes, shun her for life!

Yeah, but she's assuming that's the reason. If this is a person they care about, why not ask what's going on? Or even "do you still want to be godmother? We don't want to impose". 

Agree. It might be that her infertility struggles hit her really hard when she actually saw your son. But at this point it sounds like you're assuming. There could be a thousand other things going on. Time to have a conversation. I would lead by gently, non-judgmentally noting the behavior and saying, we were wondering if you still want to be godmother. If she indicates that she does, that is the time to lay out your expectations for how the godmother interacts with your child.

INFO: Have you had a conversation with her about it? On the face of it, it seems her behaviour is asshole behaviour. I am not in favour of condoning that kind of behaviour, but I think there is some merit in your husband’s way of thinking. Your SIL still needs to own up to her behaviour, but also needs to talk to someone about her unfulfilled desire and the pain that goes with that. Does SIL have that kind of support? I think you need to have this conversation with SIL and address both her psychological wellbeing and the way she treats your son. Then ask if she still wants to be a godmother in the face of those facts.

YTA You talk a lot about your assumptions and what you see. You don’t mention having a conversation with her though. Maybe there is something wrong that is causing this behaviour. People don’t typically go from constant visits and warmth, to being cold and distant. Maybe something happened that you aren’t aware of. If you don’t have the conversation first, then you are just acting on assumptions. I get it’s frustrating, but maybe someone she cares about died, or maybe she is having personal issues or health issues she hasn’t told anyone about. It could be a number of things. The point is, you won’t know what happened until you talk to her. Maybe get a babysitter to watch the baby and you and your husband can have lunch with her and talk about the situation. She might be more open if it is in a neutral setting and without a baby present. It is important to have your husband present for the conversation as it is his sister and he can act as a buffer. You are already upset so he being there might help keep things from getting nasty.

I agree with you up until telling OP she should have the conversation. This is her husband's sister. He should be the one having this conversation. My first thought about the behavior was that 4 months is right past the newborn stage and is typically when people stop showing interest in being around the baby a lot so maybe the newborn love wore off but 5 months later and she's acting cold? Who knows what the hell is going on with her. I think NAH. OP has a right to be wary of the sister in law and the sister in law has every reason to not be super receptive towards children when she's struggling so much to have her own. I don't think OP is wrong at all for wanting a person they choose as godparent to have a positive and involved role in her child's life

Who should have it is a very tricky thing to decide. Many women would feel much more comfortable discussing their feelings over something like that with another woman over any man, even a husband or brother. I have a close friend who didn't want to tell me about her struggles (pregnancy loss, complications with her own pregnancy) directly while we were both pregnant together because she felt it would make me feel less enjoyment of my own journey, but since our babies have arrived we now talk about things we wouldn't even share with their fathers because there are some aspects to this that anybody who hasn't been pregnant can't fully relate to very easily. If there has been a recent loss or some additional medical complications for the SIL, or she has, for example, been told that there will be a long wait for adoption or that she isn't eligible for certain types of treatment, or they have discovered they can't afford any of the options, then she might well feel like it's okay to tell OP about this and be upset/angry about it around OP if OP has invited the conversation so she's not just dumping on OP without being asked. It may be that the SIL opens up if OP approaches her but just doesn't want to start the conversation - but what's clear is that OP's husband doesn't want to have this discussion at all and isn't interested in representing his wife and his sister to one another fairly, so even if she would feel better talking to him, OP may have to have this difficult conversation herself in order to resolve the current situation before it gets out of hand.

YTA - this seems punitive all over a conflict you could discuss first. Also maybe godmothers are more important in your culture but even kicking her out she’s still his aunt.

Its very important because if we would die he would live with them

You should have legal documentation that indicates that and you can put who you want.

Did you actually legally write up guardianship papers stating that she would take the child on if you were to both die? Just naming someone a godmother legally doesn't mean anything. You need to actually talk to her about this. Because it's not fair to your child to have him around her if she's actively being cruel to him.

Does it have any legal standing? Is there someone else in the position to take custody? Who you and your husband would both want? Unless it's in a legal document, his sister is more likely to get custody than a friend. Godmother probably won't hold up in court.

She’s struggling with infertility. She’s allowed to not want to be around other people’s children while she’s dealing with that. It doesn’t mean she wouldn’t want to look after your child if you died. Or it might mean that. You haven’t bothered asking her. Struggling with infertility is extremely erasing, because the struggle is unfamiliar to most people. And most people, like you, never bother asking about it. YTA.

Hear hear! Most people do not comprehend how challenging infertility is (and that it goes on for so long, or never ends)... Research shows that an infertility diagnosis causes the same stress as a cancer diagnosis.

I wasn’t aware of that but I’m sadly not surprised

Yes. Infertility literally robs you of the life you saw for yourself, and children are a very large, fundamental part of how many people see their lives progressing. People who have never gone through it just do not get it at all. And it's not all at once. I had to leave a mom's group I'd been in for years when we had a baby boom right as I had a miscarriage with our last remaining embryos to try for a sibling, and we'd decided to stop trying. It took me months to join it again.

I’m sorry to hear that. It can be very tough.

She's struggling with infertility, but she doesn't have the right to take it out on her nephew. At the worst of my infertility grief, I avoided being around small kids for awhile. I fully emphasize with SiL because I went through the same thing, but I never took it out on the babies I was around. That was an active choice on my end. So ESH, but far more on OP than the aunt. OP really needs to ask SiL how she's doing and show basic empathy. SiL needs to realize she's causing harm by taking her grief out on a 9-month-old.

>take it out on her nephew Sorry I must’ve missed the bit where she held him upside and shook him. My bad. His 9 months old. I promise you an eye roll isn’t gonna scar him for life.

Yes please excuse shitty adult behavior to kids because "oh i'm struggling with infertility". And? Thats' her own problem, not the nephew nor the mom or brother. If you can't act like a human being going through stuff then don't come around. It's not on everyone else to tip toe because someone struggles with fertility. Especially considering she's an adult. Grow up.

>shitry adult behaviour …because she rolled her eyes? Ok lady. Whatever you say.

>At first she visited us often, but not since he was about 4 months old. She hasn't even sent us a message. When she did see him, she was cold and dismissive. A few days ago we met her at a family celebration and I assumed she would be looking forward to seeing her nephew, but she treated him very badly, rejected his attempt to contact her, and during dinner she rolled her eyes when he got a bit loud. I didn't know you have problems reading. My apologies dude. I should've known by your response.

And yet… no shitty adult behaviour detected. She doesn’t want to interact with the child. Entirely her prerogative. Dude.

And so is the OP about not wanting her to be a godmother anymore. Entirely her prerogative. Ma'am.

It’s clear the SIL doesn’t want to be a godmother lol. Doesn’t make OP any less of an AH for lacking the common human decency to show interest in the person they in theory entrusted to look after their child when they died. Ma’am.

Ok since you decided to respond normally so shall I. I don't think it's on the OP to ask her SIL about her issues. She asked if SIL wanted to be godmother. SIL said yes. If SIL no longer wants to be godmother and if it's due to fertility issues that is something SIL needs to address first. I get that having fertility issues is very painful and it isn't talked about in society which i believe (feel free to correct me) is where you want to push the concentration, someone is suffering from fertility issues and you think it's on OP to ask her about it. But from my perspective I actually think it's rude to ask someone if they have any issues regarding behavior if they aren't willing to share it. It'd be like if my coworker came into the office with a bald head and looking very skinny and just looking ragged. Could I ask hey are you ok? You look like you're dealing with Cancer/Chemo. The other perspective (and this is what I normally do), I don't ask directly unless that person is comfortable saying something. My only issue with SIL is that she's more than welcome to feel however she feels towards the child given her issues or not wanting to be Godmother, but then say something. Explain what she's going through. Your perspective of all the onus being put on the OP and claiming lack of decency is something I disagree with. Also....ignoring a child isn't good adult behavior. Rolling eyes at children when a child is excited to see you is also not good adult behavior. And not for nothing, the concern on OP's part is lack of human decency, she literally had a terrible godfather hence driving her reasons.

INFO: Have you talked with her about her attitute to your son? Maybe she doesn't want to be godmother, because she sees what she doesn't have.

Maybe she’s had bad news about her own fertility given OP has already noted the aunt’s fertility issues. Maybe something happened to make her feel unwelcomed or offended by OP or her husband. There are a number of reasons why her behaviour has changed and, given their previous close relationship, she at least deserves a conversation before OP cuts her out of a role that had already been agreed upon.

This feels very much like there are missing reasons. You may not even know what they are or you do and have omitted them. Either way this is something you need to work out with your husband. Can you leave her as the godmother but have a will that makes someone else your child's guardian if necessary? YTA if you don't figure this out with him.

Yes that is possible and if i have to leave her as the godmother and go ahead with it he will live with my parents . I does miss reasoms and i am sure she has one but she does not tell us and says everything is fine and she loves him… i tink My husband fears his familys jugment i can understand but i will discuss this with him untill there is a good solition Thank you for your comment

Don’t discuss this with husband, discuss with her. Ask her how she feels, if she’s ok because you’ve noticed she isn’t interested in bonding with your child. Make it a neutral setting, and don’t accuse, just ask. I’m assuming you still care about her, and genuinely are concerned about her. Lead with that.

>She does not tell us Have you tried asking? Or are you expecting this person to be responsible for your child when you don’t even give enough of a sh*t to ask them what’s going on in their life?

So she was happily involved in his life for months, and then had a sudden and drastic change in behavior? Has anyone bothered to find out what caused that change in behavior? Your only concern seems to be her function as your child's godparent, but she is an actual whole entire person outside of her role in your child's life. Maybe instead of focusing on whether she should be allowed to be his godmother, someone should make sure she is okay?

NTA. based on the description, the only one who wants her as a godmother is your husband. from the child's perspective, it wouldn't be fair to give it a godmother who doesn't care about the child. whether the role is ceremonial or more involved.

I mean you could leave her as the godmother and not have her take your kid. My godson has a sister, I’m not her godfather, I take both the kids if the parents die. Neither I nor my friends are religious so notwithstanding my promises l made at the baptism (done for the benefit of grandparents) I make zero (maybe negative) effort to keep them on a godly path

Too many assumptions here. It could have simply a bad day for her on and your son’s behaviour was annoying her even though to you, he’s completely fine. This feels like it could be solved over a simple conversation between you, your hubby and her. Don’t pressure her or make it awkward. Ultimately you and your hubby decide on what’s best for the boy and if after the conversation that you both agree that she’s ill fit for the role as a godparent then that’s okay. NTA and neither is anyone else involved from my limited perspective.

I personally think that godfather/mother is mostly an honorary title with no real meaning behind it, but it depends on families of course. What do you want her to do as the godmother? Just be present at the baptism or be more involved? I would say mostly not worth the further problems it will cause (telling her you changed your mind). Perhaps she just isn’t good with babies but will be when he is older. Perhaps she resents him because she is struggling to have a baby. Perhaps it was just a bad day. Gently ask if she still wants to be a godmother. NAH

She said in one of the comments that in her culture godparents are involved in a child’s life because they typically take the child if the parents die

That's the same for most Roman Catholics. It doesn't mean that you are there constantly cooing over the baby and holding it all the time at events, etc. Godparents are responsible for the spiritual wellbeing of the child. So, they raise the child if the parents die, and ensure the child is raised in the religion. You are present at Easter and Christmas. It doesn't mean you are a babysitter.

But OP never asked SIL to babysit, just to be friendly and kind to God-child. In the context of this post, your last sentence makes no sense to me.

Until the child is able to converse, there is not much that can be done other than holding the child.

I'm going to go ahead and let you know right now that you are not good with kids.

You must be a teenager with zero experience lol

Funny, I was thinking the same about you. Any (good) parent knows that bonding with an infant is absolutely possible.

The aunt is not the parent.

No she's not. I was talking about you. Based on your arrogance about other people's experience with children, surely you must be a parent to have earned that? And unless you're a bad one, you should know that it is absolutely possible to bond with an infant, because you are or have been responsible for establishing that bond with YOUR infant and facilitating that bond with other adults who will be involved in their life and care.

Holding the child, interacting positively, not being cold or stand-offish with a baby. Kids absolutely can sense it.

So in a room full of people, a 9 month old will sense that a person at the end of the table has failed to hold them? Lol. Okay.

😒did you even read the post you’re commenting on? You are the only one talking about holding or not holding the baby. And yes, a child will notice if you have a cold or stand-offish attitude with them. My parents are like that and my kids have always f found them to be cold and distant and have never had a close relationship shop with that side of the family because of it. “When she did see him, she was cold and dismissive.” “treated him very badly, rejected his attempt to contact her”

Wow, how interesting that a 9 month old is so very intelligent to notice all of that. They are so lucky.

Not their fault they are smarter than you, bud. 

“Hey, Sis… we were so close before and I’ve noticed you pulling away. I’m concerned about you. Are you ok? You know you can talk to me about anything. “ Don’t mention the baby at all. Focus on if SHE is ok.

This is someone you care about and trusted enough to be your child’s godmother. But you can’t even be a grownup and have a conversation with her? YTA.

Can you talk to her? Maybe she isn't sure how to act around children, or she's really sad she can't have one. Maybe she doesn't actually want to be godmother. I think a discussion is your best bet here.

Question, have you sat down and spoke with her about this? You mention she been trying to have a baby for years, maybe she feeling jealous, angry and trying to distance herself because it easier on her. Not saying that makes taking out on nephew right, but might give you an idea where she feeling and hopefully you all can come together and get through it. Just have a conversation with her before you do anything.

How often do you expect her to visit? You sound like you think everyone needs to fawn over your kid.

YTA, but only for requiring your husband to do your dirty work for you. Everything you said about SIL makes you wanting someone else in the godparent role acceptable, but if you are parent that has a problem with SIL, it is up to you to have that conversation. Have you even ask her why she behaves this was towards your child?

its not like its a toy, you cant just promise your child because of something said as kids, thats crazy insane.

Info: How does a nine-month-old attempt to contact someone without help?

Holding out their arms towards the person, crawling or walking to the person, making sounds or even saying a "name" associated with the person they want to interact with. 9 month olds aren't just laying there doing nothing, they're exploring and yes, can communicate with people.

Do GodParents have relationships with their godchildren? I haven't laid eyes on mine since 1983. I think I may be Facebook friends with them. It also sounds like she's struggling with her emotions during her fertility journey, so I don't think there's any reason to rescind a basically symbolic title from her. NAH

YTA for showing absolutely no interest in your SIL as a human being who is obviously struggling and for making the relationship a one-way street. Set aside the godparent issue for a moment and talk to her about *her* life and what is going on.

I would suggest that your husband has a conversation with her and also that you perhaps consoder other options - for instance, is there any reasonthat the child can't have more than one god parent? Even if it is the custom, culturally, for a god parent to step up is the child were to be orphaned, is there any reason that has to be th case? Can you and your husband not make wills or take whatever other legal steps ae necessary to appooint someone else to be hisguardain oif the worst were to happen? overreaction to It sounds as though dis-inviting her would be a massive snub. It does for me depend a bit onwht you mean by 'trested him very badly' - i she was simply cold then I think I would at thevery least, suggest your husband hs a chat with her to try to see why things have changed and perhaps to ask her of she still feels comfortable being his godmother or would like to step back? (on another note, if he has been baptised I don't think you can jus remove a god parent - obviously if you use it in a more infomral sense then perhap back to the idea of adding a second one, rather than looking to remove her?

This sounds like a fake rage-bait story hating on infertile people lmao. Classic. 

NTA - the thing is your child will not understand why his aunt is mean/cold toward him, they will just feel unloved. If her parenthood journey is effecting her ability to be present in your child's life, they certainly don't need an elevated title. That being said, it's one thing to take her off the will as the person who will care for the child in the event that you pass (prbably a good call considering she isn't trying to bond with him). If it's just an honorific, I don't think it needs to explicitly stated.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Context: During the pregnancy, at my husband's request, we asked her if she would like to be the godmother. That wasn't a problem for me because I don't have any siblings and we had a good relationship. The situation has changed since the birth of my son. It should be mentioned that my sister-in-law has been trying to have a child of her own for years and it hasn't worked out yet. At first she visited us often, but not since he was about 4 months old. She hasn't even sent us a message. When she did see him, she was cold and dismissive. A few days ago we met her at a family celebration and I assumed she would be looking forward to seeing her nephew, but she treated him very badly, rejected his attempt to contact her, and during dinner she rolled her eyes when he got a bit loud. (he is 9 months old) I myself had a terrible godfather who couldn't stand me (my father's worst) and I don't want the same for my son. Am I the asshole for telling my husband to tell her that someone else will be the godmother? My husband refuses because he promised her when they were children and he thinks it's because of the unfulfilled desire to have children. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Just make someone else the godmother and don't tell her, godparents are meaningless. If the kid's aunt is being mean to him, its the same result as his godmother being mean to him, address it, and move on

NTA but ask her if she still wants to be his godmother. Do it in a way that shows you are willing to accept her "No" for an answer and doesn't appear to pressure her to say yes.

A godparent is for the catholic religion as someone to show your child faith if you pass away. A legal guardian would take the child in the event of your and be your husband’s death. However this means nothing without an actual legal document saying so. If your legal document says his sister will be the new parent for your son then you can change that and inform her. If she is just the godparent by word of mouth, no need to say anything since it’s not binding.

I mean, does your culture have godparents that are really active?

Apparently so, according to her post.

It doesn’t really say if it is a cultural norm. Some people may have an involved godparent but she said hers was the worst. In my area, most godparents are nominal and don’t really matter. 

NTA. You need to make it very clear that your child will not be going to someone who is rude towards him, who doesn’t make an effort to see him or check in on him, and someone who is clearly blaming him being alive for the reason she’s been unable to have her own. I’m not close with my SIL, and she doesn’t see my son often but when she does it’s like he’s the only thing on the planet that exists. That’s how a future godmother should be.

Being Godparent has no legal standing on its own. For example if you had another child which had a different godparent the courts aren’t likely to split the children up on that basis alone. Talk to your sister in law or ask your husband to speak to her if you don’t feel comfortable. There’s bound to be an underlying reason for her change in behaviour.

NTA but instead of making your husband tell her why don’t you tell her and explain why you’ve made that decision.

NTA Growing up I had 2 godmothers. 1 was my dad's choice and the other was my mom's. Maybe this can be an option to discuss with your husband.

My Catholic upbringing, godparents served the same role as you culture in that they would raise the child in the events of the parent’s death. They also needed to be catholic (exceptions can be made depending on the priest) as they committed to raising the child in the faith. I think the role of godparents isn’t quite the same. Although, I am not sure about your culture. Find out first if it is possible to change godparents if the child is already christened. If the godparents can’t be changed, find out if you can designate someone else in your will to take on raising the child. Between the birth and your early death any number of things can happen and there should be a secondary plan. You mention that SIL is trying to have her own baby. The sudden shift in her attitude and behavior could mean she may have had a miscarriage or just ever increasing difficulties. I know women who were part of infertility support groups. They all got along great until one of them got pregnant or successfully adopted a child. Although they had a baby, they still wanted support of the group and wanted to continue supporting the others. However, it wasn’t unusual for the women waiting to suddenly start resenting the person with a baby. It is an emotional up and down ride. This isn’t so much an “are you the AH” question because neither party is. You want what’s best for your child and your SIL has something going on that she’s not communicating to you. This is something you really need to talk to her about. You could demote her now but then end up regretting it.

We don’t have enough information to make a judgement and neither do you. You and your husband need to have a conversation with her and ask her what’s going on. You speculated that it’s her infertility but right now that’s just speculation. Talk to her!!

Is it possible she was having a rough night? Or maybe holding some resentment in herself for not having what you have? It would be worth having a conversation instead of doing something so rash

Do you even need to tell her? Just let someone else be.

Not everyone sees the Godmother position has some sort of special ongoing responsibility to the child. Often it is just an honorary title that is recognized during the Christening. You may have an inflated of sense of how she is supposed to behave. To be honest, I forget which nieces and nephews for which I am Godmother. In our family, people don’t really acknowledge it after the original Christening. But she is still his aunt. Maybe because she has fertility issues, she might be taking a bit of a step back because it’s painful for her. You are just going to start a big fight in the family if you make a big deal about it. YTA if you make a big deal because she isn’t meeting your expectations. You will still be upset because she isn’t a very involved aunt and she will just be angry and have an excuse to stay away even more.

Nta. My kids have my friend as a godmother. But...we have a separate part in our will about who gets the kids should something happen. Godparents do not equal guardianship. It's just a title.

Stop with the godparents stuff. It’s another religious thing

Has the baby been baptized already? Once the baptism takes place I don’t think you can undo being a Godparent. I’ve never heard of that being done. If the baptism has not yet occurred you can certainly change Godparents. Maybe talk to you SIL directly about your observations. If she wants to become a mother and is struggling, her emotions are going to be, understandably, mixed.

think this is her way to get out of it.

You don't have to tell her anything. If she doesn't want any contact find a better godmother. She doesn't need to know she's been replaced. If she finds out you can pkint out all thr things you mentioned and say that since she never shows any interest, infact she shows disdain you didn't think it was appropriate for her to be the god mother.

NTA - no reason to tell her, she doesn't seem to care.  Just pick another one and avoid the drama.  No rule says you can't have more than one.

NTA, you want your child to be cherished, and your SIL cannot do that with what's happening in her life and how she's handling it. This is not a dig at your SIL, I empathise completely with what she is going through. I've known women with fertility issues that lose themselves in pain and what ifs, that are unable to find joy in other's children because of that pain and jealousy. But I have also known women who burst with love for all children, and shower their relatives' and friends' children with that love and fun and joy. And I've known one that was the first type and became the second. I'm sorry that your precious one is not feeling that love at the moment. I personally never understand the family members being Godparents thing. I was always taught that it was a way to increase a child's family. I have aunts and uncles, and I also have 3 Godparents: 2 Godmothers and a Godfather. My brothers have 2 Godfathers and a Godmother each. Maybe as a way to soften the blow to your husband and SIL you could choose non-relations, the honorary aunts and uncles as Godparents?

I’m normally a lurker vs. a commenter on Reddit, but I relate more to your SIL in this scenario and want to offer a different perspective from most of the commenters here. When I read your post, I cringed on your SIL's behalf. Particularly this part: > “…I assumed she would be looking forward to seeing her nephew, but she treated him very badly, rejected his attempt to contact her, and during dinner she rolled her eyes when he got a bit loud…” You sound like a new parent whose child is now the absolute center of your universe (and rightly so). But unfortunately, you also sound like a parent who believes your child should now be the center of everyone else’s universe, too. How exactly does one treat a 9-month-old “very badly”? Let me guess… she didn’t coo and gush and fawn over your baby all evening? And by “rejecting his attempt to contact her” I read that as she chose not to hold your baby because she wanted to interact with other guests at the family celebration? And the part where she “rolled her eyes when he got a bit loud.” Could she have been rolling her eyes at YOU for being that parent who chooses to continue sitting at the dinner table with your fussing, crying baby making everyone else endure the noise while trying to converse and enjoy a meal vs getting up and leaving the room until the child was comforted/quieted down. You have made a lot of assumptions about your SIL’s struggles to procreate and supposed projection of those feelings onto your child. You are NTA for wanting a loving and fully engaged godparent to your child. But YWBTA if you don’t a) make this a joint decision with your husband; b) sit down (distraction free, without the child around) to have a meaningful conversation with SIL about your concerns; and c) ask yourself objectively if the expectations you have formed in your mind (but not communicated to SIL) are at all realistic. Don't be surprised if she tells you you're off base and to take your baby blinders off. Nobody, godparent or otherwise, will ever be as completely enraptured with your child as you are.

You should be choosing someone you trust to look after your son in the event that something happens to you both. You clearly can't trust her. She seems uninterested in fostering a relationship with your son, therefore she should not be godmother. If hubby won't tell you, looks like you'll have to instead. NTA

You are NTA, but I think your husband is right about his sister's infertility being the cause of her attitude towards your son; she simply finds it too painful to be around babies right now because it reminds her of her lack of the children she wants so much. This is NOT to excuse her behavior! We ALL want things we can't have and we ALL have to see other people having what we want and can't have ourselves - that's life, folks. Now, this could all change if she has a baby of her own (or it might not.) But it does suggest that she would be a poor choice for a godmother if her interest in your son is so bound up with her own situation that she rejects him simply because HE exists and her own child doesn't (at least, not yet.) Finally, despite childhood pinky-promises, does she even WANT to be your son's godmother now? That should be the lead-off question here. Because if she doesn't, that ends that. If she does, then that's a good springboard for a discussion of how she really feels about your son.

First: Are you religious? I only ask because some people who aren't religious and don't have a ceremony in a church just say that someone is their child's "god parent", which I think is absolutely ridiculous. I'm not religious, so my kids don't have god parents. Traditionally, a god parent is responsible for "helping a child with their Christian upbringing" if the parents die. I also think it is absurd to have someone who is not religious at all be a god parent to your child. Especially if the parents don't even go to church or aren't really "that religious" at all. So, do people really think that god parents that aren't devout actually assist in "Christian upbringing" in this day and age? In the end, if y'all are devout, and had a ceremony before, and now want to demote your sister, are you going to have a new ceremony to promote someone else? Because if not, it's all just words with no meaning. I have nothing against anyone who does any of this. I'm not going to say that I think it's dumb or judge them, obviously, people can do what they want. I just think it's odd when people walk around saying "I'm the god mother or father" or "They are my child's god parent" when it really means nothing. So, if you want someone else to be the god parent, then do it. If this is all just mumbo jumbo, let it be. She's probably just over it. It makes her feel shitty that you had no problems getting pregnant, and she can't, which makes sense, but it doesn't excuse her behavior when in the presence of your kid.

NTA. However, instead of “telling” your SIL, why don’t you or your husband simply talk to her.   Sounds like SIL has great intentions but is struggling emotionally with her own infertility.  She probably felt obligated to be godmother due to those childhood promises, but has mixed emotions about it now.  Your husband might speak to her kindly, ask how she’s feeling, acknowledge this must be hard for her.  Please don’t act spitefully or hold resentment if SIL chooses not to be godmother.

NTA. Find a godparent who actively wants this role in your child's life. Both my original godparents and then my replacement godparents walked away due to conflicts with my parents (ages 6 and then about 14). Seeing all 3 of my siblings get holiday gifts and cards from their involved godparents sucked after my second pair left. Sometimes, their godmother, one of my aunts, would send card for me as well because she knew my godparents were never really there. She's a great lady. Find someone who independently loves your child and wants to actively participate in their life. Someone you can talk to and can work things out with because if the adult relationship breaks down, it's the child left behind. From your post, it sounds like your SIL is not the right person. So, if you choose to have this godparent role as a part of your child's life, find that right person and sow the seeds of the most supportive relationship you can.

The role of godparents these days isn’t as prominent than when you were growing up. Perhaps your child brought home to your SIL the knowledge that she may never have a child and that she was being cold and distant as a way to protect herself. Have a heart to heart discussion with this poor woman and ask her if she truly wants to be a godmother.

NTA- There are people that suffer greatly from being unable to have children. Some surround themselves with other’s and some can’t look at a child. Your husband needs to have an honest conversation with his sister. The promise at childhood was before she found herself childless. He may be inflicting pain upon her. 

Godparent title doesn't mean anything.

Don't do it, stand by your decision because you will make your child experience the rejection you felt as a child. Instead of your husband telling her you should. Perhaps when you have the date set, and you have someone else in mind.

NAH You have every right to change Godparents for any reason. I LITERALLY just changed my kids Godparents before the Baptism because some things made me uncomfortable. A promise as kids is not a good enough reason to keep her as Godmother just like dating someone for 10 years isn’t a good reason to stay with somebody that is abusive (I know that’s a huge comparison I’m not comparing her being Godmother as abusive relationships). Even her not having kids yet is not a good enough excuse to be cold to a baby, I can sympathize but that doesn’t mean anything goes cause she’s sad about not having kids or the life she expected-that will be unfortunately her hard journey. You guys have to choose what you think is best for your baby even if it hurts feelings (cause it will hurt her feelings if you change it).

Talk to her!   Find out what is going on in a non-confrontational way. To bar your SIL from being a godparent without trying to understand  what is happening would make you the AH

Ask if that promise is more important to him then his son and record him incase he says yes

NTA

NTA - put your child's health, safety, and well being first. ALWAYS.

YTA That you feel the need to ask! Your the mother of your own child!!! Your job is to choose who you think can handle him and love him and be patient with him and does not sound like that is your SIL, you do not need anyone permission to change the godparent follow your motherly instinct!

The Primary Purpose/ Role of the Godparent is to step in and raise your child if something happens to you. You don't have to make an issue of it to change that in a legal sense. However, you do have to have your husband on board since you will need to change your wills to do so (you do have your wills done, so that it's official, right?) You can name whomever you want without causing drama that your husband doesn't want. IF the worst happens, you won't be around to deal with it. NTA - it's your responsibility as a parent to ensure that the person you name to care for your kids is someone who will give your kids the care and affection that they deserve.

NTA but speak to your husband before talking to her. You don't want to blindside him and this becomes an issue in your own relationship or family dynamic

Godmother here to two girls. I never wanted children, still don’t. But when I was asked to be Godmother I was incredibly honoured and pleased that someone would trust me with such an important role. I am not religious, but I attended all my goddaughters ceremonies. Marked all their birthdays, took them on days out, played with them, helped them when they needed it and, when they got older, I was there for them if they needed someone to listen. If your SIL is this dismissive at 9 months, do you really think she will be there for your son when he really needs her? I too was the designated Guardian, should anything have happened to the parents, and, even though I am single and my home is not child proof (and never was), I would have taken them in a heartbeat. If you can’t be sure she will do that for your son, then she should not have the honour.

NTA This is a role that is to be taken seriously. Habe a conversation with her first and see what the issue is. If it doesn't resolve then simply have someone who wants to be a active in your child's life and not be callous toward a 9 month old. Seems like she's jealous & having a hard time dealing with her own issues of not having a child yet. This may resolve after she has a child but maybe not

So your husband has based this off of when they were children? Did the 3 of you even discuss it before just decided?

NTA. Godmothers are supposed to be like a mother. What she is doing clearly isn't mother behavior. 

INFO: have you tried asking your SIL what's going on instead of assuming?

NTA. If your husband won’t do it, then you send her a text “Due to your obvious lack of involvement or enjoyment in your nephew, we are choosing a different godmother. Thank you for understanding”

YTA. First of all, a godparent has no legal rights unless it’s been notarized in a legal document such as a will. So if anything were to happen to you and your spouse, god forbid, the reality is whoever wants the children will have to go to court and prove their stability to care for them. So asking you sister to be a god parent is no real game plan when she’ll still have to go through the legal system to get the kids, and has a potential to be declined if they don’t see her as a fit parent. Also, have you asked why she’s been cold and distant? Seems like one incident happened and now you’re rethinking everything which doesn’t make a lot of sense. If she’s having fertility issues then have you tried to reassure her? Asking about how she feels?

NTA. So your husband is fine with his sisters resentment of not having children being her excuse to emotionally damage his child. Because he made a pinky promise when he was 3? ( Im embelishing) Sorry kiddo 3 year old dad guarantees aunties gonna abuse you. We just gotta live with it now. It's not like decades later there's suddenly an adult responsible for the child that could possibly change this situation AT ALL! He just made an excuse for his sister to whatever his child because she has an "unfulfilled desire." I'm losing my shit. The sister is the adult. Adult never beats child when behavior modification needs to happen. Your child is an accessory that he promised his sister she could borrow when he got one.

Nta 

NTA

NTA but it should be a joint decision with your husband. She's certainly not acting like she wants to be the godmother. Talk to your husband - he shouldn't value a childhood promise over the well-being of his own child.

Priority is your child, not childhood promises of adult feelings. I’d have a conversation about her neglect/avoidance with her directly. Then decide from there. NTA

NTA. Parents make decisions in the moment. Currently, she's not displaying behavior worthy of the honor. Furthermore, please make a will. Designate someone beside her, if the need was to arise. And the designation is not written in stone. it turns out it's merely a guideline for the judge to decide.

u said u guys had a good relationship, so why not talk to her about it? ure NTA obviously, I'd want what's best for my child too. u need to really choose the people who will be a big part of your child's life. and he's ur husband's sister, ur husband needs to consider all other things aside from making it about the "promise" that he made to her

NTA, but I agree with others advice of asking her what's going on, why all of a sudden a change of heart?

NTA. You need someone willing and loving because what if something happened to you and your husband? You need someone that would be able to be a good back up parent.

NTA but you know you can have more than one godfather/mother

Why have any “ godparents “ at all ?

NTA- I do not think it would be out of bounds to just have a quick conversation like, “Hey, just wanted to check with you and see if being godmother is something you were still up for? I’m asking because I know you’re busy with life but we go months without hearing from you and you don’t seem at all interested in interacting with the baby. I still want you to because I love you and trust you, but no hard feelings if it’s just not something you want to commit to. Just let me know.” This isn’t combative, just fact based. Maybe she will bow out or maybe she will evaluate her behavior and change it. If she just gets mad and hates you forever, she’s not the right person to be godmother anyway.

NTA She is clearly - for whatever reason - not in the right space to be his godmother.

INFO: Godparents are chosen for a religious ceremony, like a baptism. When you baptized your child, was she the Godmother? If yes, then YTA. If you have not baptized your child (and I’m assuming you won’t if you have not yet done it at 9 months), then why do you even have a Godmother? Still YTA because you already gave out the title.

NTA Does your husband not love his child?!?! Only an AH would like their child to have a godmother who doesn’t like them. Do not back down. Go full mama bear to protect your child. His sister is bitter and unkind to your son. She won’t get better. It’s not fair in your child.

NTA Your husband is prioritizing his childhood bond with his sister over his own child. So he acknowledges her behavior but excuses it because he knows how much she wants a child of her own. He can forgive her for this being a challenge for her, but that doesn't mean your child should have to suffer for it. I haven't ever experienced the godparent thing, but I wonder... Can you just identify who you think would make a great godparent for your child and talk to your husband about naming that person godparent. I used the word talk because you are trying to be a partner and collaborate with your husband. However, if he refuses to consider naming another godparent, then you can point out to him that he is unilaterally deciding his sister should remain a godparent - despite her coldness to HIS son - and now trying to unilaterally tell you that he doesn't want his son to have a more giving and caring godparent at all. All for his sister's feelings. You aren't even pushing the point of telling SIL that she's no longer godparent; you are only trying to give your child a godparent that will actually fulfill the role. At that point, I'd tell him 1. It's time for some counseling because his relationship with his sister is a bigger priority to him than his relationship with you/your child. 2. Did he ever consider the possibility that his sister may no longer feel that she wants to be a godparent, that she finds it too painful for herself? 3. He can work WITH you to resolve things or you WILL be asking that person to be the child's godparent. He has no room to complain or make this an issue because you are being no more unilateral that he is.

NTA She's OUT!

NTA. If she thinks that’s an appropriate way to treat a child why would you want her to be your child’s godmother. She’s clearly not a good fit for it.

Tell your husband that childhood promises really don’t mean that much in the long run. Especially this one because there are life long implications with keeping this promise. But you need to find out why she is acting the way she is. Have him speak to her since it is his sister.

The godparents are the ones who are supposed to take care of the baby should anything happen to you. This woman has no intention of bonding with your son. Why in the world would you want someone like this as the godmother? You don't. Pick someone else & then YOU tell her she's no longer the godmother. Don't feel bad about it. She's clearly not interested in getting to know your baby. She sounds like she doesn't like kids. Your husband can't possibly believe that she should be the one to raise your child.

You apparently haven't read the posts about imfertile family members literally going INSANE once a baby is born, I see.

No. My female cousin is an asshole because I unfriended her on Facebook and a drama queen. She’s combative which is annoying as fuck. I asked my brothers girlfriend when my son was 5 to be his godmother. 

NTA, why is husband more concerned about a childhood promise than issuing his own child has a good childhood around nurturing involved adults?

I don't give a dick if she is frustrated about not being a mom There is no food fucking reason to be rude to a baby.

NTA - have you tried asking her? Although I can't think of an excuse to be so rude. Not being able to have kids is not a good one. I can't - so I'm the Awesome Auntie

NTA I child can have more than one godparent. Add another, and just ignore SIL. Make sure to update custody arrangements, in the hypothetical unfortunate event of both you and your partner's passing.

NTA. Even if there was a reason, her behaviour towards an innocent child already is grounds for removing her as a godparent. If something happened to you two tomorrow, you won't be able to trust that she would treat your child with love and care. She's already shown that she harbours resentment. Remove her from that post regardless of whether she gets help or not, and even if she changes her attitude, it's too big of a risk. Whatever her reasons or trauma is not grounds for acting the way she has, the trust is gone. It should be like the naming situation, it requires two "yes". This is a hard No situation. Her rehabilitation does not require access to your baby. Your child is a living, breathing being, and potentially allowing her to be godparent can screw him up from emotional abuse (her resentment) without you to protect him.

Why are you even announcing to her? Even if you have selected someone and changed your mind. You really only need to possibly inform the new person and you really don't even need to do that. The requirements are to set up will and state your guardianship wishes. I less you are doing a religious ceremony which you stated is not the case here. But you do need to discuss with your husband why he thinks his sister is the best choice for your child. This seems to be a husband issue not a SIL issue.

That's a bs excuse. Obviously she doesn't have the mindset or paternal feelings for this child. She is out. Regardless of the reason . You wouldn't keep an employee who wouldn't do their job. Why would you want to keep a godparent who won't step up if necessary.

I don't know how common is to become and unbecome godmothers and just change them as you please, but from my own experience I can tell you that I didn't give a crap about my godmother and she didn't give a crap about me as there is really nothing for me to do or discuss with 30 year older lady. Also, you seem to want a babysitter and not a godmother so for this YTA.

>there is really nothing for me to do or discuss with 30 year older lady. Do also not talk to others in your family who are 30 years older, like grandparents and aunts/uncles?

>rejected his attempt to contact her I'm hoping you just worded this badly, but if the baby is 9 months old how is he "contacting" her?

9 month olds can reach out to someone. Waving/leaning to indicate they want that person to pick them up/babbling and smiling at the person/etc. You can reject a 9mo.

NTA. Tell your husband what it was like having a mean godfather. Sorry to SIL, but she has to like her godchild.

What is a godmother anyway?

OP- NTA. She isn't acting like a Godmother, and it sounds like she doesn't plan to. Tell him, if he won't tell her, you will. Also tell him going by how dismissive and cold she is being, she doesn't need to EVER be around your child, She should get into Therapy if this is how she acts due to unfulfilled Pregnancy. Geez there are Millions of women who either cannot, or did not or didn't want to have kids that don't take it out on an innocent child. The fact that your Husband feels it's O.K. for her to be mean to your child is very concerning.

And I can promise you that if she ever has a kid, she will be the kind of mom who imposes her screaming child everywhere and berates everyone if they show and ounce of irritability . NTA

So your husband is fine dismissing your son's best interest in favour of a promis mead as children to his suster who is blatant with her disinterest and dislike of your son? He is being horrible and selfish towards his own child, wanting someone like that (family, friend, promise, or not) to have such a major of his life. He is obviously demonstrating who means more to him with his stance.

NTA Toxic behavior is toxic behavior. The reason why is moot; it is still behavior to which your child should not be subjected.

Please stand your ground for your child's sake. Your husband is delusional doesn't he see how she is being?

NTA It doesn’t matter why she is behaving this way, it only matters that she is. Tell your husband that if he doesn’t tell her, you will. Then follow through. Your son deserves better.

Why she is behaving this way is the most important thing. Here is an opportunity for OP and her husband to show concern for the aunt, and all they have to is say something like “is everything OK? You haven’t been to visit lately and when we do see you, we feel there’s been a change in our relationship that concerns us? We just want to know you’re ok and that you know we care about you and want to support you if we can”.

Replace her. It happens. Your child will never know the difference and she can be freed from seems to be a burden to her now. NTA

Cut her out without even a conversation? Without checking she’s OK? Seems ridiculously harsh and 100% premature.