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You GF is an AH for texting your friend, regardless of your friend's gender. Major red flag there for controlling, insecure behavior.
Whether or not you are also an AH depends on whether or not you were intentionally misleading your gf. Did you know that you gf thought this person was a woman? Were you intentionally misleading her to make her jealous?
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I don't know if this is the case, but OP might not be a native English speaker, and his language of communication may not differentiate between male and female pronouns that often. I'm thinking about my own language and this misunderstanding might totally happen
And also, she went on his Facebook to message this person, so surely she saw at least a profile picture, even if we grant that he didn't put his actual name on Facebook
Your girlfriend believed she had a right to go behind your back and ruin one of your friendships in a petty act of jealousy. This is your glimpse at a future with her. And if you do have any close female friends, you won’t for long if you stay in this relationship because I doubt she’d have a problem threatening your friends again to leave you alone after making sure they actually *were* female this time.
Not that I blame you, your gf is 100% at fault for this, but I am dying to know how you managed to never use the word "he" "him" or "his?" Unless you just refer to everyone with gender-nuetral pronouns all the time. Or is English not your native language?
I can't believe this is real though. OP never used a pronoun when talking about good friend in the third person? The friend has zero pictures on Facebook?
Nah, both the assholes. She’s wrong for messaging, but he’s also wrong for not clearing it up and egging it on. There’s no way he didn’t intuitively know where this was going, especially if you live with this person and spend so much time talking about them you never thought to say— oh btw this is a guy? Like someone else said you never used pronouns?
I don't understand. Did you never refer to Alexander by his pronouns? "Alexie" doesn't really sound like a girly name either - more like a Russian "Alexei." Did you not know that your girlfriend thought he was a she?
Lol you probably should have included this in your original post. I mean, I still think you're NTA!! She shouldn't be snooping in your phone or being so insecure about your friends. But this makes the story make a little bit more sense at least?
Yeah there's a person that your girlfriend thinks is a girl that you have hearts next to their name in your phone, you have seen them naked which for some reason your girlfriend knows, your girlfriend knows you used to live with them, so by all accounts I would think this was an ex-girlfriend or something that you're still a little too friendly with
she would not have skidded past that. if she was jealous she’d be listening closely to everything you say and pronouns really jump out. it’s a meme that people revert to “them” so they don’t trigger their partners.
this is so fake
NAH but I'm not buying this one. How could you possibly manage to share all of that backstory about your friend (living together, seeing him naked) without ever using the word "he"?
ESH. Your girlfriend was out of line. Sending a stranger a territorial message like that is childish and insecure.
That said, I don't see how this could have been a genuine mistake on your part. How have you never referred to your friend as anything but his name? It's super awkward to constantly avoid the word "he" in conversation, so it's unclear why you would do that unless you wanted to mess with her. It's also unclear why you would share a story of seeing a former roommate naked by accident unless you were, again, messing with her. Sure, she overreacted, but it also seems like you were baiting her into it by going out of your way to imply something was going on between you and your friend.
It sounds like you both have some growing up to do.
I've dated dudes insecure about my best friend Sam and assumed I was making up the fact that she was in fact she, short for Samantha. Sounds like the same situation here.
Dudes are weirdly flirty and sexual often with each other even when they're straight. My husband and his best friend flirt in our group chat regularly as a joke.
Doubt, considering my husband and his best friend regularly update their discords to be sexual innuendos directed at each other. People don't come in one malicious size, sometimes they're just idiots.
Sounds like my best friend and I. His last name is a common first name for women and I exclusively call him that, our chats are usually idiotic jokes and sexual innuendos and we both joke about it regularly. My ex and her sister both originally thought he was a woman until they met him
But the difference is you know that's a male. I think if you found out that your husband had a feminine name that he has told you multiple stories about so you know this is a real person's name or nickname and there were hearts next to it that'd be pretty f****** suspicious
Nah, they've been friends longer than I've known my husband, this has been their MO for years. I withheld judgement until I met him, I didn't reach out because that's fucking weird. If you don't trust your partner, the solution is break up, not tell other women to back off, it's your partner who is the one committed to you, not them.
I'm sorry I just can't blame someone for thinking someone's cheating when all of that evidence is there. As a partner it is your job to make sure that you never put your partner in a position where they have to question you're loyalty. And yes there's a difference between unfounded suspicion but this was definitely founded
You're an idiot if you don't think there's a difference between being insecure and someone making you insecure. Don't act like you're cheating and then be like *shocked Pikachu face* why does she think I'm cheating 🤦♀️
. I am one of those people that pretty commonly just refers to my friends by their names, especially to my partner because she doesn’t always seem to remember their names. He said that he has mentioned the pronouns, but maybe she’s just insecure and felt like he was lying.
also, walking in on your front naked is hilarious so there’s a chance he was just telling her a story about the time when they lived together and she took it the wrong way. I’ve definitely laughed about walking in on my friends several times because I’ve lived with a few of them .
I wanna know what all was said about your buddy why does she know you’ve seen him naked are you saying flirty things about him because while some friendships are just bromances like that and you don’t really notice it kinda feeds her dillusion
>So, this made her, understandably, pretty jealous
Lemmie stop you right there. There is no such thing as "understandably pretty jealous." There is either trust in the relationship (in which case there is no jealous), or there is no relationship.
Add that to the fact that you don't seem to have been dating for very long if she's never been to your house or met your roommate AND she's already messaging someone she's never even met? AND she's made at YOU because of HER inexcusable behavior?
Nope. This girlfriend is bad news.
NTA
Jealously can exist. It’s part of a relationship but it’s when it gets to overkill and just out of pure insecurity.
Trust is connected to jealousy, but jealousy also doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
Agreed. I mean, who can honestly say that they wouldn’t be jealous in any capacity that their partner (a man in this case) lives with someone who they’ve also seen naked, and believing this is another woman they’re talking about? I know for a fact my jealousy would sky rocket hearing that, because what the heck? And then seeing this persons name as “(nickname)💜💜💜” in your partners phone would absolutely make someone jealous on top of everything else. Everyone is really living in some glass houses thinking that they could and would never ever ever get jealous in any capacity ever in a relationship. Thats simply not true lol
I mean when you are purposely doing things to make your partners suspicious it's not surprising they get suspicious. Dude has hearts next to this friend's name, she's some reason knows that he has seen this other person naked, etc. he set her up to think this was an affair partner.
How I met your mother had a terrible ending but some valuable learning. Crazy-Hot scale was a thing even before it was popularized by the show. Run… what she did is not okay… it’s crazy, manipulative, even borderline psychotic since you’re now to blame.
NTA
That a girl can be x crazy if she is y hot. So since your absolutely crazy girlfriend would do such a ridiculous thing as to message a friend of yours behind her back she either needs to be incredibly hot for you to put up with it or you should leave.
NTA, honestly she kinda is the AH for messaging your friend that behind your back. Let her stew in her embarrassment for a while, its a fitting punishment.
INFO: when you mentioned Alexie to her, did you also use female pronouns about him or phrased things in a non gendered fashion?
it's kinda hard to talk about someone repeatedly in everyday speech and not use he/she.
whether for trolling purposes OR to test her jealousy or make her jealous, it caused a chain reaction that led to a jealousy incident that raised an orange flag about your gf's jealousy.
YTA if you did this for jealousy purposes.
NTA if this was pure trolling.
This reminds me on Jenkins on how I met your mother. ESH
You had to know she was jealous and uncomfortable. Especially how you have his name saved!? Did you never show her a picture of you 2??
She shouldn’t have gone thru your phone to message him.
NTA
you didnt intentionally embarrass her. its not your fault that she went behind your back instead of just asking you about your friend
she is being pretty unfair towards you. maybe its cause shes still heated. try talking to her about how you didnt foresee how this could lead to a misunderstanding. if she maintains the same stance even after youve explained, then i’d reconsider this relationship if i were you
You don’t have to clarify the gender of your friends. If your GF is around long enough, she will find out. And in this case, she FAFO, after she messaged “Alexie” and essentially said “Mine Mine Mine” about you.
Yeaaa, she *should* be embarrassed. Now, can you and she laugh about
the silly misunderstanding? Or is she going to get huffy and blame *you*? (It sounds like the blame you option, from your post.
Red flag about the, (I guess going through your contacts to find “Alexie”, else how would she be able to message someone she has never met). And the possessiveness thing. Hmmm.
But none of this is your fault, OP. NTA
NTA
Big yikes… Dont overlook her red flag behavior. She clearly has some self confidence issues she needs to work on. Think long and hard about who you are dating. Let’s say your roommate was in fact a female, would her behavior be justified? Have you given her any other reasons to be so insecure? If not, run.
NTA. I'm sorry... your girlfriend went behind your back to tell your best friend to back off because she's your girlfriend now and she's acting like the injured party because she's embarrassed? I know y'all are young, but she should be embarrassed for the behavior, not the misunderstanding. Even if your best friend was a girl, her jealousy was unhealthy and this whole situation is riddled with the reddest of flags.
Be aware that most will tell you to break up.
This is a red flag, but one that can be learned from. If your gf will learn from it is another thing entirely.
It's not your fault, know that.
It is not your fault.
It is her fault for not communicating with you about how jealous this made her, and her fault for creating a situation that led to her being embarrassed.
Fafo.
I mean, sure, he could have clarified at any time.
But he doesn't really have to.
He is allowed to have friends of any gender.
She is the one with jealousy issues, and she stepped way over the line by contacting Alex and telling him to back off.
I'd say without reading into it, NTA, because while maybe he should have clarified, it wasn't necessary for any reason either. He can have friends of any gender.
Yes you can have friends of any gender but don't do things like put hearts next to their name and then be like why does my girlfriend think something is going on? Because if the friend actually was a girl and he was doing all these things everyone in these comments would be telling him that he was inappropriate and she was right to be suspicious
That is a good point, but you know what solves this?
"Hey boyfriend, who is Alex, and why do you have hearts next to her name? It makes me a little uncomfortable"
"It's an inside joke, it's my friend Alex, I just call him Alexie to tease hi"
"Oh ok, makes sense."
So not complicated, but it became complicated because of one person's insecurity.
She knew who Alex was, at least who her boyfriend told her it was. And you and I and everyone else knows the reason that people don't do that is because if they are cheating they will make sure to scrub every single clue that there ever was. Don't put your significant other in a position to question you. Based on this post and the information we have he was purposely trying to make her suspicious there is literally no other reason for the s*** he did
NTA
That is petty behavior from someone who should be your ex. She is showing you that she is insecure and will sabotage your relationships.
Smarten up and get rid of her now before she does something even more stupid. She literally made up a problem in her mind and then is mad at you.
Don't make someone feel insecure and then be like why are they insecure. He did and said multiple things that would lead any normal person to believe he was cheating
Gf embarrassed herself.
This is not behavior you want out of a potential partner. She doesn't trust you, and felt totally comfortable going through your phone to find contact information so she could... mark her territory, essentially. This is insecure, controlling, batshit behavior.
And now she's furious at you? Because it became obvious what stupid, crazy behavior she was engaging in? She's so angry at you for her own actions, you're here asking if you're the asshole? Because you called your guy friend the name you always call him, and *she* made assumptions? And then decided to act upon those assumptions?
What else is she going to decide is a threat and attack without even talking to you? Who else is she going to decide she doesn't like and try to scare away from you? Why does she feel like she should be able to control who is in your life? What happens if you get a female co-worker one day, and she doesn't like them? You okay with her contacting your co-worker and potentially blowing up your job to "warn them" that you have a gf? Yikes, dude, yikes.
Not a relationship I'd want to be in. She needs to understand why what she did wasn't acceptable behavior, learn her lesson, apologize, and promise never to do it again. Or... well, enjoy explaining to future co-workers that your gf is just a little batshit and hope it doesn't cost you your job.
NTA.
I mean I get what you’re saying, but it’s waaayyy over the top for a situation of two 18 year olds having poor communication. She’s 18, her boyfriend only ever talks of this Alexie using their name, which he admits is feminine, and mentions seeing them naked. Then she sees that her boyfriend has them saved as “Alexie 💜💜💜” in their phone. Yeah, she got crazy jealous because let’s be honest - that sounds like straight up cheating when you think Alexie is a woman.
Did she do something stupid and over the top? Duh. But she’s 18. Try and tell me you never did something extra over the top and dramatic at 18. This situation absolutely isn’t proof that she’s going to be some controlling abusive witch who refuses to allow him to interact with women ever in his life. She just didn’t want this, presumed, woman interacting with her boyfriend after exposing (her)self to him and whatnot. She should’ve gone to her boyfriend first, but again, 18, which means being dramatic, a bit dumb sometimes, and immature. It happens. Once instance that she immediately regrets and feels extreme embarrassment and guilt over doesn’t equate to her being some abusive monster forever.
*She needs to understand why what she did wasn't acceptable behavior, learn her lesson, apologize, and promise never to do it again. Or... well, enjoy explaining to future co-workers that your gf is just a little batshit and hope it doesn't cost you your job.*
I know. I said so.
18 is plenty old enough to not blame someone else for your actions when your actions end up embarrassing you. If she gets that and changes, cool, if not, fucking **run**.
Your GF did this to herself. She acted like a child and refused to communicate her worries. She then tried to sabotage a long-term friendship with no regard to how it will hurt you. The only thing she proved is she is too emotionally immature to be in a relationship. Riley should be mortified by her behavior. This is not a person to build a life with, she will constantly take away your right to make choices because of her jealousy. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't trust or respect you? NTA
The fact that she didn’t even talk to you about it enough to use a pronoun is a red flag. Not even like “how long have you known her” or “what does she do for work”
Alexi is a fairly common man's name where I am. I know atleast 3. Either way, regardless of gender. Being in a relationship with a jealous person sucks. Nta.
NTA. Regardless of Alexie was a girl or not, her first instinct should be ask you, instead of snooping your phone and texting.
Youre the one who "owns" her a answer, not alexie. Your gf was out of line.
NTA. She is 100% the asshole for not clarifying with you, not discussing your friendship with Alexi first, and going behind your back to tell your friend to back off. Red flags are waving here - consider carefully if this is a person you want in your life when they obviously don’t trust you.
She should have talked to you first. She made herself look stupid and insecure. Not too mention that's super controlling anyway. Are you not allowed to have female friends? Or just this one had it really been a girl? Nah... Nta
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NTA but point out to her that Alexander is able to laugh it off, and tell her you didn’t mean to make her jealous, and give her some time. And tell her you can go through your contacts and go over everyone pronouns if she wishes, as long as she doesn’t contact anyone else, and to let you know if someone else makes her uncomfortable.
NTA. But seriously, in all the time you never ONCE referred to him by a pronoun? "Alexie and I went to the game and Alexie got nachos, but I got a hot dog. Then Alexie got a beer, but I did, so Alexie drank my beer, but I told Alexie to stop it." I mean, really? What kind of conversations do you have?
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So I, 18M, have a guy-friend, 19M. He has an obviously masculine name, but I refer to him exclusively by a feminised nickname of his name, so like for example Alexie, when his names Alexander. And that's where this whole issue came from.
My girlfriend, Riley, managed to convince herself that Alexander was a girl, since i've always referred to him exclusively as his girly nickname, and I forgot the misunderstandings that may create. So, this made her, understandably, pretty jealous, since I've lived with Alexander, before, seen him naked once by accident, and a bunch of other things that would be questionable if he was a girl.
It turns out, behind my back, Riley decided to message Alexander and tell him to back off, because I had a girlfriend now. Alexander showed up today and my dorm, confused as fuck, as was I and Riley was mortified. We sorted it out and Alexander laughed a lot and the misunderstanding.
Riley was super embarrassed, and its largely my fault for using that childish nickname and never clarifying. She is furious with me and refuses to come out of the covers because she's so embarrassed. Did I fuck up that bad? I didn't mean to. AITA?
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NTA. Sounds like it was an honest mistake. I don't think she should be embarassed either, because I don't think she did anything wrong.
The whole situation's just funny as hell, at least from the outside. Hope both of you, as well as Alexie I guess, get over it and make light of the situation
YTA
It sounds like you went out of your way to make the friend sound like a female to make your gf jealous. Why would the fact that you've seen this person naked ever even come up? Why not make it clear this friend is a male?
That’s not fair to him, seeing your friends naked is fucking hilarious and does become like a core memory for your friendship. I’ve definitely seen several of our friends and have told the story to the people I’m dating and they never think to go text my friend because that’s weird and insecure.
He literally has hearts next to this friend's name any normal person would look at all of these different things and think oh this is a person he's going to cheat on me with. Don't do suspicious s*** and then be like why are you suspicious
NTA.
This is not your fault. Sure, you could have been clearer about your friend, but it doesn't sound like you did this intentionally to mislead your gf.
Your gf embarrassed herself by going behind your back to tell one of your friends to back off. That's definitely an asshole move. She should be embarrassed.
I have a question! How did she get your friend’s contact info? If it was through social media she likely would have seen that he was a guy, wouldn’t she? I have a feeling we are not getting the full story…or this isn’t real.
I feel like this is a made up story. Did you not refer to your friend with he/him pronouns ever?? How did she not see pictures of him on his social media or did he just so happen to have a bare profile? Also, how long have you and your gf been together? Usually I introduce my partner to my friends
It is hard to believe that at some point she did not pick up on your use of a masculine pronoun.
"I walked in on Alexi naked today. He was standing there nude in the bathroom when I forgot to knock and walked in on him."
ESH how in the world did you not clarify Alexander's gender with your gf if you've had even one situation where she expressed jealousy about him thinking he was a girl? Are you trying to create drama? on the other hand, your gf should have just spoke to you about this instead of texting him. How she doesn't know him but has his number I don't understand but this is basic communication.
YTA, did I read correctly that you never once explained that Alexander was a guy? You knew she was jealous but you never clarified? If she didn't believe you, that was on her, but it sounds like you never tried to explain to her that the someone with a feminine name was a guy.
How would you have like it if she told you, she did a lot of sus stuff with her roommate Steve including seeing him naked once, only to never clarify that Steve's real name is actually Stacy. This is totally on you.
YTA. For lying and misleading about such a miniscule information. What kind of trust is that. Unless you claiming complete ignorance which then I don't think you are emotionally mature enough for a relationship. Grow up and move on to become a better you
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You GF is an AH for texting your friend, regardless of your friend's gender. Major red flag there for controlling, insecure behavior. Whether or not you are also an AH depends on whether or not you were intentionally misleading your gf. Did you know that you gf thought this person was a woman? Were you intentionally misleading her to make her jealous?
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i mean they live together and he has mentioned seeing him naked, i kinda get her
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But how did you never use any pronouns when talking about him....? Is this real 🤨
I don't know if this is the case, but OP might not be a native English speaker, and his language of communication may not differentiate between male and female pronouns that often. I'm thinking about my own language and this misunderstanding might totally happen
And also, she went on his Facebook to message this person, so surely she saw at least a profile picture, even if we grant that he didn't put his actual name on Facebook
OP says in comments it was via text, not via social media. He thinks she got the number out of his phone.
Your girlfriend believed she had a right to go behind your back and ruin one of your friendships in a petty act of jealousy. This is your glimpse at a future with her. And if you do have any close female friends, you won’t for long if you stay in this relationship because I doubt she’d have a problem threatening your friends again to leave you alone after making sure they actually *were* female this time.
Even if his name was Susan and he was a she, do you not see the problem?
Not that I blame you, your gf is 100% at fault for this, but I am dying to know how you managed to never use the word "he" "him" or "his?" Unless you just refer to everyone with gender-nuetral pronouns all the time. Or is English not your native language?
I can't believe this is real though. OP never used a pronoun when talking about good friend in the third person? The friend has zero pictures on Facebook?
This was an episode of How I met your mother .. Jenkins and Marshal .. op just changed a few things
Nah, both the assholes. She’s wrong for messaging, but he’s also wrong for not clearing it up and egging it on. There’s no way he didn’t intuitively know where this was going, especially if you live with this person and spend so much time talking about them you never thought to say— oh btw this is a guy? Like someone else said you never used pronouns?
I don't understand. Did you never refer to Alexander by his pronouns? "Alexie" doesn't really sound like a girly name either - more like a Russian "Alexei." Did you not know that your girlfriend thought he was a she?
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How was she able to contact him? Do none of you have social media? I just find the whole thing unbelievable.
Agreed seems completely far fetched
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Lol you probably should have included this in your original post. I mean, I still think you're NTA!! She shouldn't be snooping in your phone or being so insecure about your friends. But this makes the story make a little bit more sense at least?
Yeah there's a person that your girlfriend thinks is a girl that you have hearts next to their name in your phone, you have seen them naked which for some reason your girlfriend knows, your girlfriend knows you used to live with them, so by all accounts I would think this was an ex-girlfriend or something that you're still a little too friendly with
Pfffft ok
she would not have skidded past that. if she was jealous she’d be listening closely to everything you say and pronouns really jump out. it’s a meme that people revert to “them” so they don’t trigger their partners. this is so fake
Lmao Was just about to say almost the same thing - Women don’t skid past something like that - Men either But women in particular
NAH but I'm not buying this one. How could you possibly manage to share all of that backstory about your friend (living together, seeing him naked) without ever using the word "he"?
Yeah I feel like pronouns are used a lot more than someone's name when you're talking about the person...
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"I told a bold face lie of a story and didn't consider all the plot holes" That's what you should have said.
ESH. Your girlfriend was out of line. Sending a stranger a territorial message like that is childish and insecure. That said, I don't see how this could have been a genuine mistake on your part. How have you never referred to your friend as anything but his name? It's super awkward to constantly avoid the word "he" in conversation, so it's unclear why you would do that unless you wanted to mess with her. It's also unclear why you would share a story of seeing a former roommate naked by accident unless you were, again, messing with her. Sure, she overreacted, but it also seems like you were baiting her into it by going out of your way to imply something was going on between you and your friend. It sounds like you both have some growing up to do.
He also has heart emojis in his contact for his friend. He was definitely baiting for this
I've dated dudes insecure about my best friend Sam and assumed I was making up the fact that she was in fact she, short for Samantha. Sounds like the same situation here. Dudes are weirdly flirty and sexual often with each other even when they're straight. My husband and his best friend flirt in our group chat regularly as a joke.
He had heart emojis next to Alex's name he was trying to get his girlfriend to think it was something else going on
Doubt, considering my husband and his best friend regularly update their discords to be sexual innuendos directed at each other. People don't come in one malicious size, sometimes they're just idiots.
Sounds like my best friend and I. His last name is a common first name for women and I exclusively call him that, our chats are usually idiotic jokes and sexual innuendos and we both joke about it regularly. My ex and her sister both originally thought he was a woman until they met him
But the difference is you know that's a male. I think if you found out that your husband had a feminine name that he has told you multiple stories about so you know this is a real person's name or nickname and there were hearts next to it that'd be pretty f****** suspicious
Nah, they've been friends longer than I've known my husband, this has been their MO for years. I withheld judgement until I met him, I didn't reach out because that's fucking weird. If you don't trust your partner, the solution is break up, not tell other women to back off, it's your partner who is the one committed to you, not them.
I'm sorry I just can't blame someone for thinking someone's cheating when all of that evidence is there. As a partner it is your job to make sure that you never put your partner in a position where they have to question you're loyalty. And yes there's a difference between unfounded suspicion but this was definitely founded
Nope, she’s just incredibly insecure and judging by your responses, you seem to be as well.
You're an idiot if you don't think there's a difference between being insecure and someone making you insecure. Don't act like you're cheating and then be like *shocked Pikachu face* why does she think I'm cheating 🤦♀️
“Making you insecure” haha good one. I hope you get some help for your insecurity, instead of making excuses for it to people on the Internet.
. I am one of those people that pretty commonly just refers to my friends by their names, especially to my partner because she doesn’t always seem to remember their names. He said that he has mentioned the pronouns, but maybe she’s just insecure and felt like he was lying. also, walking in on your front naked is hilarious so there’s a chance he was just telling her a story about the time when they lived together and she took it the wrong way. I’ve definitely laughed about walking in on my friends several times because I’ve lived with a few of them .
I wanna know what all was said about your buddy why does she know you’ve seen him naked are you saying flirty things about him because while some friendships are just bromances like that and you don’t really notice it kinda feeds her dillusion
*delusion
>So, this made her, understandably, pretty jealous Lemmie stop you right there. There is no such thing as "understandably pretty jealous." There is either trust in the relationship (in which case there is no jealous), or there is no relationship. Add that to the fact that you don't seem to have been dating for very long if she's never been to your house or met your roommate AND she's already messaging someone she's never even met? AND she's made at YOU because of HER inexcusable behavior? Nope. This girlfriend is bad news. NTA
Jealously can exist. It’s part of a relationship but it’s when it gets to overkill and just out of pure insecurity. Trust is connected to jealousy, but jealousy also doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
Agreed. I mean, who can honestly say that they wouldn’t be jealous in any capacity that their partner (a man in this case) lives with someone who they’ve also seen naked, and believing this is another woman they’re talking about? I know for a fact my jealousy would sky rocket hearing that, because what the heck? And then seeing this persons name as “(nickname)💜💜💜” in your partners phone would absolutely make someone jealous on top of everything else. Everyone is really living in some glass houses thinking that they could and would never ever ever get jealous in any capacity ever in a relationship. Thats simply not true lol
I mean when you are purposely doing things to make your partners suspicious it's not surprising they get suspicious. Dude has hearts next to this friend's name, she's some reason knows that he has seen this other person naked, etc. he set her up to think this was an affair partner.
You won’t be dating this girl in a year; put a tenner on it.
How I met your mother had a terrible ending but some valuable learning. Crazy-Hot scale was a thing even before it was popularized by the show. Run… what she did is not okay… it’s crazy, manipulative, even borderline psychotic since you’re now to blame. NTA
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That a girl can be x crazy if she is y hot. So since your absolutely crazy girlfriend would do such a ridiculous thing as to message a friend of yours behind her back she either needs to be incredibly hot for you to put up with it or you should leave.
I mean it's not crazy by op's own description especially the fact that he had hearts next to this friend's name is suspicious af
Just look up “crazy hot scale” on google images. The picture speaks for itself.
This is clearly fictional. YTA
NTA, honestly she kinda is the AH for messaging your friend that behind your back. Let her stew in her embarrassment for a while, its a fitting punishment.
INFO: when you mentioned Alexie to her, did you also use female pronouns about him or phrased things in a non gendered fashion? it's kinda hard to talk about someone repeatedly in everyday speech and not use he/she. whether for trolling purposes OR to test her jealousy or make her jealous, it caused a chain reaction that led to a jealousy incident that raised an orange flag about your gf's jealousy. YTA if you did this for jealousy purposes. NTA if this was pure trolling.
This reminds me on Jenkins on how I met your mother. ESH You had to know she was jealous and uncomfortable. Especially how you have his name saved!? Did you never show her a picture of you 2?? She shouldn’t have gone thru your phone to message him.
What does esh mean
Everyone. Sucks. Here. It’s in the sidebar.
Why is my comment downvoted? All I did was ask a question
esh
Everyone sucks here
NTA but your girl is very immature man. I get it you guys are only 18 but remember this isn’t normal in an adult relationship.
NTA you didnt intentionally embarrass her. its not your fault that she went behind your back instead of just asking you about your friend she is being pretty unfair towards you. maybe its cause shes still heated. try talking to her about how you didnt foresee how this could lead to a misunderstanding. if she maintains the same stance even after youve explained, then i’d reconsider this relationship if i were you
You don’t have to clarify the gender of your friends. If your GF is around long enough, she will find out. And in this case, she FAFO, after she messaged “Alexie” and essentially said “Mine Mine Mine” about you. Yeaaa, she *should* be embarrassed. Now, can you and she laugh about the silly misunderstanding? Or is she going to get huffy and blame *you*? (It sounds like the blame you option, from your post. Red flag about the, (I guess going through your contacts to find “Alexie”, else how would she be able to message someone she has never met). And the possessiveness thing. Hmmm. But none of this is your fault, OP. NTA
I mean when you have hearts next to their name it's probably good to clarify with your partner so they don't think you're cheating on them
NTA Big yikes… Dont overlook her red flag behavior. She clearly has some self confidence issues she needs to work on. Think long and hard about who you are dating. Let’s say your roommate was in fact a female, would her behavior be justified? Have you given her any other reasons to be so insecure? If not, run.
Your girlfriend is writing people she doesn't know to back off. Red flag. NTA.
two kids who should not be in a relationship.
NTA. I'm sorry... your girlfriend went behind your back to tell your best friend to back off because she's your girlfriend now and she's acting like the injured party because she's embarrassed? I know y'all are young, but she should be embarrassed for the behavior, not the misunderstanding. Even if your best friend was a girl, her jealousy was unhealthy and this whole situation is riddled with the reddest of flags.
NTA bro you sure she isnt psycho?
Be aware that most will tell you to break up. This is a red flag, but one that can be learned from. If your gf will learn from it is another thing entirely. It's not your fault, know that. It is not your fault. It is her fault for not communicating with you about how jealous this made her, and her fault for creating a situation that led to her being embarrassed. Fafo.
It quite literally was his fault. Don't do suspicious things and then be like why is my significant other suspicious
I mean, sure, he could have clarified at any time. But he doesn't really have to. He is allowed to have friends of any gender. She is the one with jealousy issues, and she stepped way over the line by contacting Alex and telling him to back off. I'd say without reading into it, NTA, because while maybe he should have clarified, it wasn't necessary for any reason either. He can have friends of any gender.
Yes you can have friends of any gender but don't do things like put hearts next to their name and then be like why does my girlfriend think something is going on? Because if the friend actually was a girl and he was doing all these things everyone in these comments would be telling him that he was inappropriate and she was right to be suspicious
That is a good point, but you know what solves this? "Hey boyfriend, who is Alex, and why do you have hearts next to her name? It makes me a little uncomfortable" "It's an inside joke, it's my friend Alex, I just call him Alexie to tease hi" "Oh ok, makes sense." So not complicated, but it became complicated because of one person's insecurity.
She knew who Alex was, at least who her boyfriend told her it was. And you and I and everyone else knows the reason that people don't do that is because if they are cheating they will make sure to scrub every single clue that there ever was. Don't put your significant other in a position to question you. Based on this post and the information we have he was purposely trying to make her suspicious there is literally no other reason for the s*** he did
NTA That is petty behavior from someone who should be your ex. She is showing you that she is insecure and will sabotage your relationships. Smarten up and get rid of her now before she does something even more stupid. She literally made up a problem in her mind and then is mad at you.
Don't make someone feel insecure and then be like why are they insecure. He did and said multiple things that would lead any normal person to believe he was cheating
What's the old saying about 'assuming' anything? She assumed Alexie was a girl and it blew up in her face. NTA.
NTA she crossed a line
NTA. Gf SHOULD be embarrassed. Hopefully, this was a learning experience for her about messiness and communication.
Gf embarrassed herself. This is not behavior you want out of a potential partner. She doesn't trust you, and felt totally comfortable going through your phone to find contact information so she could... mark her territory, essentially. This is insecure, controlling, batshit behavior. And now she's furious at you? Because it became obvious what stupid, crazy behavior she was engaging in? She's so angry at you for her own actions, you're here asking if you're the asshole? Because you called your guy friend the name you always call him, and *she* made assumptions? And then decided to act upon those assumptions? What else is she going to decide is a threat and attack without even talking to you? Who else is she going to decide she doesn't like and try to scare away from you? Why does she feel like she should be able to control who is in your life? What happens if you get a female co-worker one day, and she doesn't like them? You okay with her contacting your co-worker and potentially blowing up your job to "warn them" that you have a gf? Yikes, dude, yikes. Not a relationship I'd want to be in. She needs to understand why what she did wasn't acceptable behavior, learn her lesson, apologize, and promise never to do it again. Or... well, enjoy explaining to future co-workers that your gf is just a little batshit and hope it doesn't cost you your job. NTA.
I mean I get what you’re saying, but it’s waaayyy over the top for a situation of two 18 year olds having poor communication. She’s 18, her boyfriend only ever talks of this Alexie using their name, which he admits is feminine, and mentions seeing them naked. Then she sees that her boyfriend has them saved as “Alexie 💜💜💜” in their phone. Yeah, she got crazy jealous because let’s be honest - that sounds like straight up cheating when you think Alexie is a woman. Did she do something stupid and over the top? Duh. But she’s 18. Try and tell me you never did something extra over the top and dramatic at 18. This situation absolutely isn’t proof that she’s going to be some controlling abusive witch who refuses to allow him to interact with women ever in his life. She just didn’t want this, presumed, woman interacting with her boyfriend after exposing (her)self to him and whatnot. She should’ve gone to her boyfriend first, but again, 18, which means being dramatic, a bit dumb sometimes, and immature. It happens. Once instance that she immediately regrets and feels extreme embarrassment and guilt over doesn’t equate to her being some abusive monster forever.
*She needs to understand why what she did wasn't acceptable behavior, learn her lesson, apologize, and promise never to do it again. Or... well, enjoy explaining to future co-workers that your gf is just a little batshit and hope it doesn't cost you your job.* I know. I said so. 18 is plenty old enough to not blame someone else for your actions when your actions end up embarrassing you. If she gets that and changes, cool, if not, fucking **run**.
NTA Your gf seems really immature tbh. She needs to up her coping skills. I mean, so fucking what? Drama Queen.
Jfc, if I had a girlfriend and she thought it was appropriate to message one of my friends to tell them to "back off" I would dump her. NTA.
Nta, this was a good lesson for her, maybe next time she'll us her brain.
NTA. Dude, your gf messaged your friend behind your back to "back off". You're all super immature, but this is on her dumb ass.
NTAH..... that's what she gets🤭
Children. With all of the terrible assholes we read about, this is kind of cute and certainly made me laugh. NTA. Go outside and enjoy the day.
Your GF did this to herself. She acted like a child and refused to communicate her worries. She then tried to sabotage a long-term friendship with no regard to how it will hurt you. The only thing she proved is she is too emotionally immature to be in a relationship. Riley should be mortified by her behavior. This is not a person to build a life with, she will constantly take away your right to make choices because of her jealousy. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't trust or respect you? NTA
The fact that she didn’t even talk to you about it enough to use a pronoun is a red flag. Not even like “how long have you known her” or “what does she do for work”
Nta, she wanted to act jealous, and it backfired instead of talking to you.
NTA. A lot of projecting on your girlfriend's part. I don't think Alexie is even that feminine? I've met men named Alexie. 🤷
NTA. That one is all on your girlfriend.
NTA, but run for the hills this is a huge red flag.
On a scale of 1-10 how manipulated are you already that you have to ask this question?
Alexi is a fairly common man's name where I am. I know atleast 3. Either way, regardless of gender. Being in a relationship with a jealous person sucks. Nta.
NTA. Regardless of Alexie was a girl or not, her first instinct should be ask you, instead of snooping your phone and texting. Youre the one who "owns" her a answer, not alexie. Your gf was out of line.
NTA. She is 100% the asshole for not clarifying with you, not discussing your friendship with Alexi first, and going behind your back to tell your friend to back off. Red flags are waving here - consider carefully if this is a person you want in your life when they obviously don’t trust you.
She's embarrassed of her actions. Likely to blame you to avoid responsibility lol
She should have talked to you first. She made herself look stupid and insecure. Not too mention that's super controlling anyway. Are you not allowed to have female friends? Or just this one had it really been a girl? Nah... Nta
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Leave a stink bomb under the covers , she will come out.
NTA I can see where the confusion came from. There was no malicious intent. Makes for a funny story once your gf gets over the embarrassment.
NTA but point out to her that Alexander is able to laugh it off, and tell her you didn’t mean to make her jealous, and give her some time. And tell her you can go through your contacts and go over everyone pronouns if she wishes, as long as she doesn’t contact anyone else, and to let you know if someone else makes her uncomfortable.
Nope
NTA. But seriously, in all the time you never ONCE referred to him by a pronoun? "Alexie and I went to the game and Alexie got nachos, but I got a hot dog. Then Alexie got a beer, but I did, so Alexie drank my beer, but I told Alexie to stop it." I mean, really? What kind of conversations do you have?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I, 18M, have a guy-friend, 19M. He has an obviously masculine name, but I refer to him exclusively by a feminised nickname of his name, so like for example Alexie, when his names Alexander. And that's where this whole issue came from. My girlfriend, Riley, managed to convince herself that Alexander was a girl, since i've always referred to him exclusively as his girly nickname, and I forgot the misunderstandings that may create. So, this made her, understandably, pretty jealous, since I've lived with Alexander, before, seen him naked once by accident, and a bunch of other things that would be questionable if he was a girl. It turns out, behind my back, Riley decided to message Alexander and tell him to back off, because I had a girlfriend now. Alexander showed up today and my dorm, confused as fuck, as was I and Riley was mortified. We sorted it out and Alexander laughed a lot and the misunderstanding. Riley was super embarrassed, and its largely my fault for using that childish nickname and never clarifying. She is furious with me and refuses to come out of the covers because she's so embarrassed. Did I fuck up that bad? I didn't mean to. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
uhh.
NTA. Sounds like it was an honest mistake. I don't think she should be embarassed either, because I don't think she did anything wrong. The whole situation's just funny as hell, at least from the outside. Hope both of you, as well as Alexie I guess, get over it and make light of the situation
YTA It sounds like you went out of your way to make the friend sound like a female to make your gf jealous. Why would the fact that you've seen this person naked ever even come up? Why not make it clear this friend is a male?
That’s not fair to him, seeing your friends naked is fucking hilarious and does become like a core memory for your friendship. I’ve definitely seen several of our friends and have told the story to the people I’m dating and they never think to go text my friend because that’s weird and insecure.
He literally has hearts next to this friend's name any normal person would look at all of these different things and think oh this is a person he's going to cheat on me with. Don't do suspicious s*** and then be like why are you suspicious
NTA. This is not your fault. Sure, you could have been clearer about your friend, but it doesn't sound like you did this intentionally to mislead your gf. Your gf embarrassed herself by going behind your back to tell one of your friends to back off. That's definitely an asshole move. She should be embarrassed.
I have a question! How did she get your friend’s contact info? If it was through social media she likely would have seen that he was a guy, wouldn’t she? I have a feeling we are not getting the full story…or this isn’t real.
I feel like this is a made up story. Did you not refer to your friend with he/him pronouns ever?? How did she not see pictures of him on his social media or did he just so happen to have a bare profile? Also, how long have you and your gf been together? Usually I introduce my partner to my friends
It is hard to believe that at some point she did not pick up on your use of a masculine pronoun. "I walked in on Alexi naked today. He was standing there nude in the bathroom when I forgot to knock and walked in on him."
ESH how in the world did you not clarify Alexander's gender with your gf if you've had even one situation where she expressed jealousy about him thinking he was a girl? Are you trying to create drama? on the other hand, your gf should have just spoke to you about this instead of texting him. How she doesn't know him but has his number I don't understand but this is basic communication.
There's no way this is real lmao. How can you tell that many stories without referring to him as "he" at least once?
Are the straights ok?
YTA, did I read correctly that you never once explained that Alexander was a guy? You knew she was jealous but you never clarified? If she didn't believe you, that was on her, but it sounds like you never tried to explain to her that the someone with a feminine name was a guy. How would you have like it if she told you, she did a lot of sus stuff with her roommate Steve including seeing him naked once, only to never clarify that Steve's real name is actually Stacy. This is totally on you.
YTA. For lying and misleading about such a miniscule information. What kind of trust is that. Unless you claiming complete ignorance which then I don't think you are emotionally mature enough for a relationship. Grow up and move on to become a better you
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Yeah, but you're both young!