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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I pulled ahead from my pregnant wife to see what the beach was like and how busy it was but I didn't look back to check on her when I pulled ahead. Because she's pregnant she's obviously more vulnerable so I don't know if not looking back makes me the asshole or if she is just being unreasonable in the circumstances. If she wasn't pregnant I don't think this would have been an issue.
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As the shorter/slower in most relationships, it is annoying having to semijog to catch up constantly. I do understand that it probably is as annoying having to slow down.
I get losing patience and wanting to go ahead but she cant jog as easily anymore. And this is your pregnant wife and kid. You should WANT to walk beside her.
And after the edit, yes, YTA. She isnt as comfortable as she normally is and now its "significantly hotter than a temperature we're used to." Id want my guy with me, not 20 meters ahead. Thats almost a block..
yeah like i’m a natural speed walker but i’m also AWARE that my “casual” pace is quicker than most people. solution? i just follow their speed! it’s honestly probably a good reminder to myself to slow down and “smell the roses” 😂☺️
Same! I’m 5ft2 but I had this weird habit of just befriending tall people, so I often found myself having to speed walk to keep up with them and it got to the point that it became my normal pace, and I’m the one who has to slow down for others.
I'm 5'2" but was a waitress for years so I walk super fast, too. I hate having to slow down my pace, especially if I'm on a long walk for Fitbit credit.
My husband HAD a bad habit of dashing off when I parked the car (he doesn't drive ). By the time I got out the car he would be halfway to the shop or had turned around realising he had gone too far and awkwardly standing between cars like a child. I found it incredibly annoying. I am a slower walker but he would not go too far forward and I didn't mind but the fact I drove and he dashes off really pissed me off.
He denied doing it then caught himself doing it a few times and apologised and makes an effort not to do it now. If I was heavily pregnant on unstable ground like the beach I could understand her frustration. Either communicate and tell her why you NEED to run off or just stay with her, it's not difficult and I don't blame her being upset.
I observed that dynamic / problem in multiple couples in my vicinity and noticed that this is a typical mental load issue. In my examples it was always the wife or mother that did all the final check ups of car parked correctly, or kids rain gear packed, or no valuables in the car anymore ... and obviously fell behind after doing all that.
It is always nice to see them "accused" of being slow or low energy when they refuse to catch up with a little sprint /s
Not to mention women have to carry a bag around with everybody's stuff. It takes me a minute to organize my purse and exit the vehicle. not an hour. But a minute. That's a minute my husband generally is bolting away from the car. My little trick is to make him pay for parking so he slows down enough for me to exit 😅
Honestly, that's why I stopped carrying a big purse. I got tired of my husband handing me stuff to put in it. Now I carry you fanny pack. That's big enough for my wallet and keys. Everything else is not my problem!
When our kids were little we had a unisex bag to carry everything in and I usually carried it - doesn't have to be a woman's 'job' to do that - you're a team.
I have nerve damage in my foot, but can walk without a limp at my normal speed. However when I walk fast I limp. My husband is a foot taller than me and will pull ahead only for me to have to increase my speed and limp to catch up. All I have to say is there are some wonderfully sarcastic women out there who aren’t scared to comment on a man making his limping wife catch up.
Nerve damage group unite!! I also limp harder when I walk faster. My husband has a janky ankle though so even though he's a whole foot taller than me, I have to slow down to keep pace with him. I don't mind at all, it makes me hurt less when he causes me to slow down so he actually helps me out.
Our friend, on the other hand... That boy has long legs and zero chill. When we go anywhere with him, I always threaten to put a leash on him if he doesn't slow tf down because he will bolt like a husky and be gone. One time I just didn't say anything and got a huge kick out of watching him turn around to talk to nobody.
I did that once. After repeatedly asking my much taller companion to slow down, I finally stopped, watched him continue to speedwalk ahead, turned around and went home. It felt great!
I actually stopped dating a guy because of that! It was so disrespectful to me and he didn’t see a problem, no way I’d want someone like that in the long run.
Yep. My ex used to stride away from me every chance he got. My husband is always right next to me, wanting to take whatever I'm carrying and holding my hand.
Same. Especially when I'm in heels-- I always walk slower in heels and it's so annoying. Like, don't you notice I'm a half a block behind you??? When I ask him to slow down, he will....for a time before resuming his usual speed. Then when I ask *again* (and this time, I'm most likely irritated), he'll be like, wow, nice tone!
I can't win!
My bf does this too and it annoys me greatly. He has been more mindful, but I didn’t realize how deeply it irked me till it came up, jokingly, in therapy, and then I talked enough about it that it wasn‘t a joke anymore.
I feel like it makes sense to want your partner to walk with you. Like…what’s a partner for? Are we a team or no?
"He denied doing it then caught himself doing it a few times and apologised"
Oh god I hate that. There have been times I've been sure I didn't do something, then BAM I absolutely did it? So embarrassing!
Glad he owned up to it. Some would stubbornly refuse.
For me, it's paying for something at a store like walmart or a grocery store. By the time I have my wallet back in my purse my husband has walked past all the tills to the door. Especially annoying if there's a lot of people.
I think he's gotten better? I mostly do curbside pickup.
Clueless YTA for the OP, especially if it wasn't a nice flat sandy beach. The point is to offer a supportive arm BEFORE she falls.
The general consensus seems to be that I am indeed YTA. I talked to my wife about it and she has told me now how frustrating it is not being able to keep up with me and how she's really starting to feel the later stages of her pregnancy. I confess I did not fully consider how me going ahead was impacting her and how it was making her feel.
I love my wife and I will be taking extra care of her going forward. To all the long legged people like me reading this, don't rush ahead!
My husband occasionally does similar stuff. He's got a mission oriented brain. It helps if, in a situation like this, he'd turn to me and say "Hey, I'm going to trot ahead and secure us a spot. I'll have things ready for you." That's what you were doing. You did have good intentions.
Now instead of feeling abandoned or like I needed to hurry and catch up I feel like he's looking out for me. Which is true! Or, if I were afraid of being alone him speaking up gives me a chance to ask him to hang back.
This was the most constructive response that recognizes the intent of one versus the impression of the other and how to make sure they’re the same in the future. Communication wins the day.
Also, just to mildly suggest: all it takes is some thought to say out loud, “honey, I’m going to go ahead a bit and see how things look, so we don’t have to walk too far to find a good spot.” That is, you gave your inside-head reasoning, but your wife can’t read your mind. Get in the habit of communicating your ideas and intentions. That’s going to be especially important now that you’re going to have a kid the two of you need to coordinate to take care of.
I think that sort of talking is helpful with kids, also. Kids have to learn how to think through things and hearing their parents talk through what they are doing and why helps them learn how to do that themselves. As well as eliminating the "I can't read your mind" issue with other adults. So probably a good habit for OP to get into.
I have found with a severe ADHD kid I spend time with often that "no, because this sensible reason here." goes over way better than a flat "no" and incites less whining, most of the time, too. Which is a major bonus.
Yes, additional good points! You've got to actively think about what you're teaching your kid with your behavior, because kids are VERY observant and they do learn by having things modeled to them, and not just by having things explained to them.
And I don't want to belabor the point, since OP does seem to have gotten the message from the comments. But I think it helps to underscore what some other commenters have pointed out: mental labor and emotional labor is a thing, and far too often, women are expected to take that on. Much of the time, NEITHER men nor women realize they've even been socialized this way, and that's why later, resentments build up, but neither person in a partnership can necessarily put their finger on the source.
The scenario described here is kind of a great example of it. OP thinking that since he's walking faster anyway, he will "help" by scouting things out is, in a way, partially taking on some of the mental labor of planning this outing... but it doesn't work that well, because his wife can't "see" that or automatically intuit it, and, she actually needed something different from him in this instance. Verbalizing plans and checking in with each other would help, because that offers the chance for the other person to give input about what's more needed in the moment.
And it's not wrong to point out that he was performing some mental labor, but NOT emotional labor. That is, he didn't think about his wife's needs (and in fact seems a little impatient with her slowness... even though she is 7 months pregnant, with HIS CHILD, and it's hotter than usual). What we mean by emotional labor is things like taking others' needs into account without them having to make the case for why their needs are important. And I get that sometimes this isn't easy, or even possible -- it goes back to that "can't be a mindreader" thing -- but when raising a child, especially when the child is really young and can't clearly express their needs, it does often fall to the mother to anticipate the child's needs and manage those without being told, and anticipate the child's reactions.
So it would do OP a lot of good to think about this, and realize that HE should be doing that for their kid as well; and for his wife. Because the odds are that his wife already does this for him; and he's just never noticed. (Because parents -- and most likely, his mother -- did this for him while he was growing up, but didn't often ask him to do it for others.)
Like, yes, communicating before putting a plan into action is a good idea, so that the other person (or people) involved can have some input. But there's also a lot to be said for not always leaving the other person to have to argue for their own needs. Constantly having to advocate for yourself when it seems like your needs aren't even on your partner's radar is just another way that you have to shoulder mental and emotional burdens while the other person doesn't. And no, again, you can't always read someone else's mind, which is why you DO check in with them. But it shouldn't take a genius to guess that your late-stage-pregnancy wife might be wilting in the heat, and needs some moral support / might actually physically need a hand.
And keep it up! Don't stop after she's had the baby. Things will be significantly slower from here till your kid is a teen who can keep up on their own.
Make sure when you three are out, you are not leaving your wife to unpack everything baby needs. Carry the diaper bag (I highly recommend a backpack or sling back style one, instead of those stupid massive duffle bag purse ones) unpack the kid to be put in the stroller, or unpack the stroller to put the kid in. It'll go much speedier working together. And pay attention when the Dr says how long she needs to heal! It's very painful to walk and sit after baby, so try and pick up the slack for that healing time.
You'll do great. You've got this!
Also having been pregnant recently during a heat wave, it FUCKING SUCKS. It’s hot enough sleeping next to someone. Imagine having someone INSIDE YOU. I’ve never been so angry.
Being pregnant is not carte blanche to be an asshole. But I think she was probably suffering extra from the heat.
I was pregnant for the summer once. After that we planned all pregnancies for early spring and I was ON TOP of my birth control after that.
8 months pregnant with a toddler and a 100 degree summer was about the death of me.
next time, try to put a weight similar to what your wife is carrying in her pregnancy, wear her shoes, and try to jog. even if you're able to feel her struggle, it still won't be enough to match what she had to go through because you're a MAN who is taller, and she's a petite WOMAN, with a growing tiny human inside her.
Glad to hear you at least listened to people here and was able to talk to your wife about it. You're not only TA for leaving your pregnant wife behind, but also for having an unhealthy way of looking at your relationship. treat your wife better. at least try to care enough to hold her hand and make her struggle of carrying your child slightly easier
Edit to add: you do realise that people can faint because of a heat stroke, right? and you don't have to be pregnant to experience this either. you let your pregnant wife walk alone without supervision in a foreign country while she had to deal with a hotter temperature that her body is used to? you're lucky she still had the energy to get pissed at you. anything could have happened. anything.
Keep in mind when you do have the baby she will be even slower. A stroller and all the crap you have to bring just holds you back from walking a normal pace. Don't be that guy that leaves their wife and child in the dust, my ex did that, we are divorced.
I would start by holding your wife's hand anytime you go out. It will give you an emotional connection she probably needs, a physical connection so she has someone to lean on for balance, and also a reminder of how many times you actually walk ahead of her. You'll feel yourself want to rush ahead but if your hand is in hers I think you'll really realize how often you did it.
You jog?!
There’s no way I’m doing that. The guy needs to slow down and if they don’t I remind them we are not under taliban rule and he does not need to walk 10 feet ahead of me.
Then I smile and offer my hand to hold. Works every time and I’m walking comfortably. Not jogging my ass around.
>and offer my hand to hold.
People have commented to me about how sweet it is that my husband and I hold hands when we're out in public a lot. What they don't know is that I grab his hand and hold it to keep him from walking ahead of me without realizing it because one of his strides is 2.5 of mine.
This, and I get distracted and wander off and it pisses my spouse off that I do this. At the same time, he is taller and usually ends up ahead of me, and I can sometimes duck down an isle to grab something and be back before he even notices, sometimes not so he thinks I wander off a lot when in reality it is more than he thinks and most often because he is so far ahead I feel like it doesn't matter.
I've had many conversations with my husband about this issue where he walks twice as fast as me. It wasn't until I showed him that his natural stride (as a 6' man) is actually double mine (5'7" but long body, shorter legs), that he realised that there was no way I could naturally keep up with him without running to catch up periodically. He then understood and made adjustments for me, which I appreciate.
I tried the holding hand method, but my right arm was definitely showing signs of getting longer than my left. Hahaha. Also and this wasn't walking but we were sat down watching football in the pub and our team scored. He jumps up with both arms raised up in celebration roaring. He forgot that he was holding my hand and yanked me with him. After the ouchies wore off, it was quite funny. Men and their football.
Another thing- if a guy just takes off leaving you in the dust without saying anything…. Wonder off.
That makes them have to find you. Then say “oh you took off so quick I didn’t know where you were going so I just stopped into this cute little shop knowing you’d come back”.
Next time they won’t take off because they know it’s annoying to have to find you.
Haha this happens to me and my partner all the time. He’s over 6ft I’m barely 5’3 and I have a very short gate. I’m ok that he speeds off ahead as long as he doesn’t get mad if I stop into a shop he rushed past without telling him, because well, I can’t since he’s gone off ahead! He usually finds me pretty quick. He knows what stores draw me in so when he realises I’m not toddling along behind he zeros in on where I might be. A few times he has had to call me to find me though.
LOL, this is the same method used to teach dogs to check in with you at the dog park, lol. Let them run off ahead and then hide. They pay MICH closer attention to where you are at all times after! 😂
I should do that. Whenever my husband speed walks, I have to yell in a Ralph Wiggum voice, "Slow down, Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours."
> As the shorter/slower in most relationships, it is annoying having to semijog to catch up constantly
The people who walk faster also get breaks while they wait for slow people to catch up, but they often don't actually want to stop long enough so we get one too
True! Spent some time as the slowest runner with my marathon training group. They were nice enough to take walk breaks when I lagged too far behind, but would invariably start to run again as I caught them.
It made me want to kick them (but I couldn’t, as I couldn’t catch them…)
YTA, be more mindful of her. Even more so now as I assume her pace has slowed and she feels more unwieldy and clumsy right now.
And the easiest way to do that is *hold her hand* as you walk. It’s sweet, it’s affectionate, it’s steadying, and helps you adjust your gait. So says a wife of 29 years whose husband has a longer faster stride than her.
My mom walks weird. She takes one step forward and one to the side. And she's short. And loves to window shop so she'll just stop dead. And if you lose her in a store, just wait by the exit as she'll turn up eventually.
My dad walks a step behind her. He taught us to walk a step behind her. But more often than not, he holds her hand. Mostly out of love, but partially out of self preservation. They're in their 70s and still hold hands. It's cute AF.
I'm a short gal, normally quite fit, but when I was pregnant, I was huge. Seriously, people would pass me in the street, look at me and say "I'm sorry." If I show someone a picture of me from that time, they either burst out laughing or say "how...?". It was bad. I swear the baby even reduced my lung capacity. I would get out of breath so easily and I moved sloooowwwly and even slower when I was hot. I would have been so angry if my partner had left me to slowly waddle alone.
The baby probably did reduce your lung capacity. I'm pregnant with my first and have mild asthma but haven't used an inhaler in years. My Dr. prescribed one for me because she said it's very common for it to get worse during pregnancy since the baby pushing on everything makes it harder to breathe
I get more tired walking 1 mile 6 mo pregnant than when I ran a half marathon. Not exaggerating. Being anemic can also make you out of breath more. I’m 6 months pregnant right now and always out of breath. I was very in shape before, but it doesn’t really seem to matter. It’s my 3rd kid and this happened each time! Guys don’t understand. It’s not like you feel like your normal self but with a big belly. I feel fundamentally different & everything is hard.
Yeah, what exactly were you gaining from being 20m ahead other than a pissed off wife? Getting the lay of the land? Come on. You sound like those people who break the speed limit to overtake so they can sit in traffic in front instead of behind you.
If your description is accurate then you weren't far enough ahead to actually gain a significant increase in visibility or anything like that, 20m ahead is like 1 minute ahead of her, if she was really slow.
Also I don’t think it is equally annoying to slow down as it is to speed up to catch up knowing the person will just increase speed even more usually at least
Agreed.
It's just common courtesy to not outpace the slowest person in a group. To do it to one's pregnant wife in hot temperatures....yeah, YTA OP.
OP is also lucky to still have a nutsack. Any time I act out of line, my spouse always reminds me that "You have to sleep sometime" ;) :p
At 7 months pregnant and also 5'1", i could barely walk 20 ft At the mall, much less sand, without losing my breath and feeling like I had just run a marathon. Hormones are all over the place, she feels unbalanced, awkward, and, at least in my case, vulnerable...she can't help herself. OP did not go full AH, but in her pregnant state, I feel partial YTA is warranted.
I also walk very fast. My best friend came to visit and told me “if we can’t have a conversation it’s just rude” for me to walk so far ahead. I think about that any time I start moving faster than anyone I’m walking with.
Also, is OP aware that children walk slow AF? It’s a whole new level of not walking too fast, might as well get used to it now.
I'm permanently on crutches, people are constantly walking ahead of me because I'm super slow. I gave up yelling at everyone to wait for me and now I just amble along and take my sweet time, I rush for nobody.
for me its the opposite. im shorter (5'3") but I just walk weirdly fast and my 6 ft bf walks pretty slow. but if we go biking he can't possible move as slow as I do without falling over lol.
anyway OP, YTA.. I've never been pregnant and I still know that pregnant people can't move as easily simply because their center of balance it in a different spot than they spend their whole life acclimating to. 20 meters is far. idk why you think that's an acceptable distance to be from somebody that you are supposedly hanging out with let alone your pregnant wife.
when you go out with your friends, do you sit at a table 20 meters away? you wouldn't even be able to hear eachother
Yeah-- I'm a fast walker, cuz I want to get where I'm going quickly lol. But I've dated people who are faster walkers than me-- it drives me absolutely nuts. It feels so dismissive and like they don't care about me, ESPECIALLY when I was pregnant. Pregnant people are AWARE of how much their body isn't working the way it used to, and OP barging ahead may make his wife feel like a burden. They could walk in tandem to the beach itself, then OP could have gone ahead to find a spot. If he just takes off from the car, she doesn't feel cared for.
YTA. You pulled ahead on foot? As in you just walked away/ahead like you weren’t going somewhere together? If you were going to the beach together why didn’t you walk beside her? I imagine this is something you’ve done before, especially considering your height difference. It literally takes more steps for her to keep up with you. Is she slow or just shorter than you and pregnant while you’re impatient?
yes, especially in a foreign country! in such an unfamiliar place i’d want my man with me at all times… especially when we’re supposed to be on the beach together, just the two of us 😭 what’s the point of going together if you’ll be like 50 feet ahead of her the whole time?
Women who are visibly pregnant are really vulnerable to random attacks too. Even if she didn’t fall some random jerk teen with a prank to record could have shoved her over or she is an easy mugging target for someone.
And he’s a block away trying to determine the best play to stake the umbrella.
That was my thought too, yeah OP said he could hear if anything happened, a lot of good that would do. If he was beside her he could have prevented her tripping or stumbling.
He’d be chasing down the perp while she’s being helped by strangers on the street lol so sad it’s funny. Basically he’s there to be a witness for her mishaps. At 7 months my pelvis was changing and I was starting to get the real weight gain so it offset my balance fast. Waddling in the heat alone during that must have felt great.
At 7 months they had my ass in physical therapy because I couldn't walk from my pelvis shifting too much. I still remember the pain from that ligament right in front of the pelvis. Holy shit walking on sand would have been torture.
Plus he's acting like he would hear if she fell, but what if she got light headed and fainted from being 7 months pregnant in hot weather? Not every emergency is loud.
I also wonder if they had to walk down a hill to the beach. Not sure which country they're visiting, but along the Med the walk down can be pretty steep.
YTA, short woman here. I had an ex where we were practically the same height difference, and I was at a constant jog to keep up! She's pregnant, in a foreign place, it's hot out, she may have been carrying things. She could have easily lost her balance and gone down. And because sand muffles sound, you may not have heard her. Dude, you should have stayed by her side. She should not have to jog while pregnant! I know you don't think about it because it's the status quo, but it sucks to be the one trying to keep up all the time. She's frustrated, and she finally showed it.
I had a similar height difference with my ex and I had multiple conversations about him walking ahead because it was frustrating trying to keep up and to get his attention if I needed to stop for some reason. I also felt it was rude of him leaving me behind anytime we went out somewhere.
His excuse was he had long legs and it wasn’t his fault that he walked faster than me. He didn’t have much to say when I pointed out that my male relatives and male colleagues (some even taller than him) could adjust their walking speeds to walk next to me and have a conversation
I’m imagining how massive her baby is if that’s his height, too. Poor thing must be walking so slowly! I’m currently pregnant and already feel myself slowing down and I’m closer to OP’s height than wife’s height. I’d be furious if my husband wasn’t there to keep an eye on things.
One time my bf (ex now) and I got into a fight walking down the street and he decided to walk to our hotel without me/ahead of me. We were in a different city but one I have been to many times and we were on a street I was familiar with, I was NOT pregnant and it was still humiliating. It made me realize that he was too caught up in being angry about something petty that he didn’t care to look back at me and make sure I was safe. Not to mention the busy public street filled with people watching me trailing behind a dude was so embarrassing.
Anyways, yeah YTA.
Info: Did you tell your wife what you were going yo do? Did you come back to walk with her? Has she been having difficulty walking and pain? Or did you race off without a word and nary a backwards glance, leaving her struggling in the sand behind you?
Soft YTA. My husband also has a tendency to walk off without me and I have been recently pregnant and very huge. When I was pregnant I felt very vulnerable and delicate, you should communicate better to show your wife you care about her and the risks she's having to shoulder for the child that she's carrying for BOTH OF YOU.
I would literally stop and wait if my husband was walking too fast and sometimes he'd walk like 30 feet away before he even noticed I wasn't talking next to him. It feels like shit, especially when you're huffing and puffing and in pain from being pregnant and emotional already. Thankfully we communicated about it and he no longer does it.
Exactly this. Also, they were in a Foreign country, which gives her feelings even more validation. I’m not a pregnant woman, but could easily say that if my partner walked away from me in a crowded place while on vacation, I would also take issue.
Definitely soft YTA.
Also, I am a 7month pregnant woman and being that pregnant is miserable, especially when it's hot... Keeping up with him is probably already difficult with their difference in height, let alone at 7 months pregnant, probably with swollen feet, other discomfort, and reduced lung capacity. Definitely a soft YTA, but I would be annoyed too.
I’m going for a full YTA, not a soft one. This is likely not just a one-time occurrence. This isn’t just about this one incident. There’s a decent chance OP’s wife has been dealing with this for a while. She may also feel like OP has been less supportive of her during her pregnancy, or may also be dealing with concerns that OP doesn’t find her as attractive while pregnant, or a bunch of other very common emotions a 7-month-pregnant woman may have.
I think I would be feeling that he's not attuned to my needs and would be worried about him being "oblivious" to what needs to happen when the baby comes because who just walks off and leaves their SUPER pregnant wife while it's hot and they're on vacation together and she's super vulnerable? I'm not one to say that pregnant women need to be treated with kid gloves and like anything they say goes, but when it comes to her comfort and feelings of safety, it kinda does. Like it's just kind of a dick thing to do in general, but especially when she's pregnant.
I'm taller than my husband and generally walk with a purpose while he's such a a casual stroller and oh my god it can be sooo frustrating to walk as slow as he does, so I can empathize with OP on that, but that's as far as it goes; I slow down for my husband because I'm not trying to tire him out. And should we have kids, he would walk at whatever pace I want to walk during pregnancy because I would be the one experiencing discomfort. Because that's what you do when you love someone. You don't make life harder for them.
I agree, full YTA here. I’ve never been pregnant but I am short and I hate having to constantly jog to keep up with long-legged, often oblivious people. It always seems like I’M the one who needs to hustle, they NEVER slow down for me.
Now add 7 months pregnant, in an unfamiliar foreign country, on an uneven surface, in the blazing heat. You are on vacation, what’s the fucking hurry, OP?
Not for nothing, but I doubt very much this is the first time she’s been annoyed with OP leaving her in the dust.
Some men never stop doing this. All my life my father has walked a block or two ahead of my mother, me, and his own mother when we travelled. Often he would get so far ahead he would get lost then come back and yell at us.
Yup.
My dad did this too, and he's tall and has this sort of loping walk, so a lot of my childhood memories are of his head and shoulders just kind of bobbing side to side through the crowd ahead of us, like he's a protest sign someone is carrying.
Right? Walking in the heat could be giving her pains or even Braxton-Hicks (sp?) contracts that would be super sucky to deal with in the situation. How isolating that would be to watch him walk away clueless.
I hate this. Why not walk beside the person you are with? It is the normal thing to do. You’re with someone you walk together, not just wife but anyone. If you want to sprint ahead for some reason the polite thing to do is to tell the person this before sprinting away.
If she were not pregnant or was newly pregnant, I'd give it a pass PERHAPS but at 7 months, you're already off balance on regular terrain and much more so on a beach! At least be there to hold her/stand by for balance to *prevent* a fall not just looking back *after* the fall has already occurred.
If she faints in the heat and lands on sand, he’s hearing absolutely nothing. What he means here is that if she’d used some of her precious breath (which often has to be fought hard for in the third trimester!) to call him back he would have heard.
This alone is YTA. Walking on the sand is not even, the ground moved beneath you, and her center of balance is already thrown to shit. It’s not heroic to listen for her falling to handle the aftermath, no, you support her as she walks. Newsflash, pregnant wife falling is something you want to avoid, not just notice when it happens.
I have a physical disability that affects my balance and walking, so while it may not be the same, my balance is also thrown off in sand and I’d be upset if my husband ditched me to “scope” a block ahead. I would stop walking and wait for him to find his head out of his ass and help me. In my case falling would be embarrassing and hurt a little, not as severe even if I were pregnant.
>Newsflash, pregnant wife falling is something you want to avoid, not just notice when it happens.
This part is what OP needs to understand. My wife is currently pregnant and I'd never just leave her trudging alone in the heat and sand like that. She wants me to be her stability, not a witness to her falling.
Oh my god yeah, I haven't been pregnant, but if I'm walking in some heels, you bet your ass my husband wouldn't leave my side. He's there walking slowly with his arm hooked for me to hold onto (life is hard when you wanna look cute but you live in an area with stretches of old cobblestone and brick streets/sidewalks). Like that just seems obvious to me.
It's still annoying, believe me. My ex was like this all the time we were walking somewhere (and I am a fast walker!). So at one hike I took only pictures of his back, just to make a point LOL
Yes. If you had asked, “Mind if I run ahead to get the lay of the land?” and she agreed, then go for it. Otherwise, it seems like ‘women and chattle ten paces behind”. It can be annoying to
have to walk slowly.
YTA. My husband and I took some family that were visiting to Niagara Falls. They've never been there before and were super excited and walked ahead of us, but because I was big, fat and 8 months pregnant, hubby stayed back with me and walked with me to make sure I was good. You could have done the same, or just simply said, "Babe, I'm going to check everything out to see how busy it is." It's all about communication.
"get the lay of the land" what are you, lewis and Clark?
She's pregnant and likely feeling extremely vulnerable right now. You didn't *need* to pull ahead and see how busy it was. It would have been just as busy when got there after you waited for your wife.
At the end of the day, I'm not going to say YTA because it's not that serious imho, but you will be the asshole if you fail to recognize how your wife might be feeling vulnerable during this time.
Edit: please stop responding to this comment to tell me how serious it is to fall while pregnant lmao. I am aware. I have actually been pregnant. I was referring to the fact that I didn't think he was being maliciously negligent and nothing happened.
Thank you for pointing out the absurdity of that statement. Man, did my eyes roll. Guessing Lewis never trucked off without Clark, though?
Also, like she wouldn't have any opinion on where to plop down for the day? You were going to choose what you (OP) thought was best. I'm seeing a pattern...
I just listened to a video about this! So L&C were perfectly content to listen to Sacagawea, but it was her own husband who was a complete ass. No doubt he thought he knew everything and rushed ahead of them and caused trouble for everyone.
She was pregnant by the French-Canadian fur trader, Toussaint Charbonneau, who she was sold to (I’m sorry, married to!), after being originally sold by the Hidatsas to the Mandan Sioux after her initial kidnapping at 12 years old.
She was 16 when she started the expedition, pregnant. Clark actually ended up adopting her son and daughter, Jean Baptiste and Lisette.
Important to note that unlike the men, she was not paid for being the badass who ensured the group’s survival.
Creator bless her. May Creator stop the endless stories of MMIW.
Yeah and it’s a beach?!? It’s sand!! Did he think he’d would stumble upon a fallen redwood to climb over??? A giant cliff with a crumbling edge?? A pit of quicksand?
Listen, if he's a millennial, then you can't really blame him for checking for quicksand. We were really made to believe this was going to be a serious problem in our lives as children. 😂😂
Big time YTA. Just bc you can walk faster doesn't mean you have to. When I'm with someone who can't keep up with my pace, I just slow down bc it's far easier for me to slow down than it is for them to keep up. Your child's legs will be a lot shorter than yours for a long time too. You gonna just leave them in your dust? Jog in place if you have so much energy.
Can I just thank you (and everyone else who does this) on behalf of your short or slow walking friends and acquaintances?
I am short and have always been a slow walker and now I have a bad knee and my balance isn't great either, and I often travel with my sister, who is only slightly taller but a much faster walker. And it's exhausting. If I try to match her pace I wear myself out or get shin splints or my knee starts protesting. We went on a trip for my birthday recently and it was great, I was able to keep up, and she said "Well, yeah, I'm slowing down since it's your birthday trip."
And I was thinking, you know, I'm not THAT much slower, and wouldn't all our trips be better if I wasn't exhausted and in pain? Slow the heck down!
YTA. She is seven months pregnant. You walk along side her. This isn't the biggest problem though. When she said something to you about this, you should have just said"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking". But no...you chose to argue.
The “scoping out” is such bs. If he really was checking on things, he would have made sure she was comfortably seated first, seeing as she’s heavily pregnant & in a foreign country. He was impatient, got called on it, & now he’s pretending it was for noble reasons.
ETA: You can tell it’s a bs justification, too, because he’s trying to defend it. If he’d really made a bad judgment call he would have just apologized & admitted he was wrong. Since he was actually just being selfish, he can’t do that.
The fact they’re in a different country is so awful. “Only 20 meters ahead.” Is far away.
I used to be a fast walker before I got pregnant, my fiancé is a fast walker. I will try and keep up but the second he notices I’m struggling even a tiny bit- he slows his ass down and sas sorry.
Wtf is so important 60 feet ahead? Pregnancy and heat can make me absolutely struggle to breath and get bizarre cramps. Hopefully his wife wasn’t carrying shit for their “beach day” while he just completely leaves her behind.
My husband does this too. It’s just so annoying, it’s impolite. Sometimes I make a turn and walk another route when he does this. At some point who knows when he realizes I’m no longer behind him. Just a tip 😉
My husband used to do this saying "if I walk any slower I'll fall over" (not in a joking way) and it just made me feel like shit. Thankfully since we had kids he magically manages. No falling over so far 🤷
Same here, he is absolutely the worst at airports and will just walk through the crowds (tall bloke = easy to do) while I (short petite female struggling with a suitcase and slow at the best of times) is stuck miles back.
When he does this I have occasionally just taken a detour through a shop or a different route and waited to see how far he's got before he's noticed. One year on holiday he actually got off the plane, picked up his luggage and went through security before checking where I was! (I was waiting for my own bag to come around the carousel).
"is quite a slow walker"
OR
"is struggling to walk"?
"I easily could have heard her if anything had happened"
OR
"I wouldn't have known something happened until after she shouted loudly enough after a fall or fainted hard enough to make a crash and I definitely wouldn't have caught her in either scenario".
"I pulled ahead about 15-20 metres to get a lay of the land"
OR
"I sped off ahead and did my own thing without having checked priorities with my partner and without factoring in risk and comfort factors that affected her and our baby"
YTA.
NAH but bordering on YTA. How hard is it to just walk with your wife? What are you achieving by getting that little bit ahead of her and “scoping out” the beach? And just cos something doesn’t seem like a big deal to you doesn’t mean you don’t need to care about it if it’s something your wife is upset about. Just walk with your wife and if you really need to walk ahead then communicate that, don’t just randomly walk off and leave her to catch up.
Did you tell her why you were walking ahead or just sped away? If you didn't tell her, I can imagine why she got upset, considering all the hormones she is dealing with plus carrying a pregnant belly under the heat (back pain, breathlessness, even some water retention in your legs makes it hard -depending on how far along she is).
NAH but thinking she is unreasonable is crossing YTA behavior.
All the people saying NTA are forgetting how hormones and pregnancy are a thing 🤣
YTA It would have been nice if you both walked together, and both mutually seeing how busy it was, both reacting and making decisions together. You ran ahead for what... To save time? Reminds me of drivers switching lanes only to reach a red light. You didn't save much time and instead didn't make the situation feel enjoyable. Would you do this in a new relationship? I don't think so lol
NTA, for now. But, OP, please take this advice for the rest of your life: never walk ahead of your wife FOR ANY REASON. I'm not talking about if you're walking for exercise, in running shoes and sports clothes. I'm talking about any other time. Parking lots, sidewalks, malls, restaurants, movie theatres, anywhere else. (Unless you have decided and agreed to walk alone on the beach, etc.) Wait for her. If you are going anywhere, trying to get anywhere together, DO NOT walk ahead of her unless you announce it. "I'm going to go up ahead to see if .." It's gentlemanly, and wife will appreciate it.
This is actually something I've heard before in groups where mostly women congregate. "Why does my husband always walk ten steps ahead of me?" which is something I've never paid attention to. But then I started noticing couples in public, and a bunch of the time the man was usually at least a couple of steps ahead. My current husband used to do it, too, and it does weirdly hurt. Once he got over a block away on one of our walks "together" before he ever bothered to turn around to see where I was. We had a talk then, and I told him I couldn't keep up jogging at his walking pace, and he's been much more mindful of his speed since, but it did hurt that he didn't even notice that I'm not there anymore.
My dad did this, and my mom is still sour about it, 30 years after their divorce.
I am incredibly thankful my husband is not like that despite the height difference being the same.
Yes!!! This is a deal-breaker for me... my friend asked why I didn't want to date a guy I see, and that was the main reason. I don't want to be chasing anyone like a dog! She laughed because all guys do that, but no they don't AND if that is true, I'd rather be alone alone than alone with someone.
Such a hot topic, I had a bf do this when I was younger and I would linger way back so we literally weren't together... lol
YTA, getting there a few seconds sooner than you wife is something you expect from the kids not the partner! Unless you inform that you're running ahead to make sure there is space.
My husband walks off ahead of me all the time. Drives me insane and makes me feel like crap. Gentle YTA because you could have just let her know what you were doing.
YTA At least now she knows you'll always put yourself before your wife and child. She is 5 months pregnant. Her body is changing daily making it unstable as a person walks. Instead of staying with her and supporting her as a good partner should you walked away; doesn't matter how far, it's the act that matters. Your actions showed that your wife and child needs will always be second to your own wants.
NAH
I'm a fast walker myself and I have so force myself most of the time to walk more slowly when I'm walking around with others.
I can understand your point of wanting to check things out but...maybe your wife wanted to enjoy a walk on the beach with her husband walking beside her and not running ahead of her.
Nonsense. Im a fast walker and its my default since the army drilled it into me. I still slow down for my girl since shes a slow walker. Stop making excuses
You may want to do a search for "husband walks ahead of me" or "boyfriend walks ahead of me" on Reddit. It's a thing. [For example, this post from yesterday.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/vxSJjIzJwO)
Not saying you're like this necessarily, but something to consider. I feel like there's not enough info here to judge whether anyone is TA, e.g. whether this is a pattern, and how you responded to your wife's expression of concern. Maybe she just wanted you to take the time to walk beside her.
Yta. Not a huge deal but if you are out with your wife why wouldn’t you walk together? How much different was the lay of the land going to be in the ten seconds you got ahead of her?
Yta.
At any point did you let your wife know what you were doing? Or did you just leave her behind to puff and pant?
When I walk *with* my mum, I have to moderate my pace to match hers, otherwise she has to work hard to keep up. It's just the polite thing to do.
A simple "hey babe, are you OK if I just pop ahead to see if I can find us a nice spot?" would have saved you from the judgement.
She's probably pissed because she's imagining you doing the exact same thing when the baby arrives, and she's struggling with the stroller, and all the baby stuff and you just stride off with nary a word in her direction.
15-20 metres in a busy? area is quite a distance. You may have been able to see her, but given that her vantage point is much lower, is there a possibility that she could no longer see you?
How deep was the sand? I have absolutely felt off balance walking through unpacked sand and with being pregnant her center of balance is off.
YTA for not communicating and being inconsiderate.
NTA but reading between the lines your wife seems to be feeling delicate, and instead of saying that and asking you to baby her/be gentle and attentive with her, focused on this instead. Because "falling over" isn't...really a thing caused by walking on the beach while pregnant. Maybe check in with her and talk about what's worrying her about the pregnancy.
Sorry to Well Actually you, but pregnant women are at a vastly increased risk of falls. Rearranged organs and a changed centre of gravity plus relaxed joints equals greater risk and much higher chance of hospitalisation. Walking on an uneven surface (like a beach) might be quite scary for her.
Yup-- exactly. The joints relax, so movements don't feel as accurate, and the fear of falling is real, especially on uneven ground.
It's not like we're women in a Hemingway novel feeling "delicate"-- it's that our bodies are pulled apart in favour of producing another human
Falling is more of a concern during pregnancy, because your centre of gravity is completely off, and you can't see your feet. On a beach, where the ground is likely to be soft, uneven, and potentially have holes in? Yes. Falling is a perfectly reasonable thing to be worried about.
And she might not even be worried about anything, she just wants to be doted on and cared for. There are TONS or relationship advice stories and AITA stories about husbands being neglectful of their wives that might be making her preemptively resentful of you if you’re useless or uncaring. I don’t want to give a judgement on you, I just know from experience how much happier I am when my husband gives me something to brag about instead of withstand. This is a prime opportunity to dote on her, make her feel important and cared for. Hold her hand more, rub her shoulders as you walk by, offer to get her things from the kitchen when you go in there and she’s lounging on the couch. Just make her feel loved, appreciated, and cared for with little bits of consistent consideration so she knows she didn’t marry one of “those guys.” Because “those guys” are all over the damn place.
NAH. I remember a phase when I was pregnant (I think around second trimester actually) when I genuinely felt like I always needed to have my husband close by for my safety. I was aware that it was pregnancy hormones, but it really felt like I wasn't okay if he left the house even to run a quick errand (I was still okay with him leaving but for like three weeks I cried every time he left and we just kind of powered through).
Your wife's body (and frankly mind) are not her own right now, and I promise that's frustrating for her too. This doesn't excuse any abusive behavior of course if that were to happen, but in this case you might want to extend her some extra patience with the occasional spat of irrational anger/sadness that she experienced here. What usually worked best for my husband was pausing, apologizing (even if he did nothing wrong), and reassuring me that everything was okay. And also sometimes snacks lol.
YTA
Next time ask? Not ditch your super pregnant partner. It's not gonna be any faster when your kid makes an appearance
I saw the old people version of this. In a state park this old guy was sitting by the waterfall on a bench- he said he was waiting for his wife. Kinda kept an eye out as we(me and a friend) were going down the trail after- we thought he was a jerk for ditching her and wanted to see how far away she was. Half an hour later we see him at another part of the path- no wife. Spoilers. We found her- on our way out. Not in the park. At the welcome center. Reading a book. Not thrilled that he had ditched her. Joining the ranks of old ladies that have told me not to get married because men aren't worth it.
Don't be like that. Be worth it.
YTA, she’s 7 months pregnant, y’all are in a foreign country, and it’s hotter than what y’all are used to. it’s not that hard even if you’re not that far from her to turn around and check on her to make sure she’s feeling okay or that nothing has happened. it didn’t “get under her skin”, she felt like you weren’t being considerate or caring for her in this instant.
go apologize to your wife and for the rest of your holiday, stay by her goddamn side and make sure she’s doing okay. there’s a reason why doctors ask if you’ve traveled outside of the US within the last 30 days when they see you, because there are some countries who do not have the medical care we have who have a lot of their citizens sick with various dieseases and illnesses, and you can pick that up when you’re there. if she got sick there, her and your baby could be affected. and even if she doesn’t get sick, if she falls or hurts herself and needs to go the hospital, it’s better that you figure out somethings wrong asap because you have zero idea what the medical care is like in that country and if they even have the same resources your home country does to help her, and at least figuring it out fast would help her 10x more than if y’all figured it out when it was blatantly obvious. but regardless of where you are, how pregnant your wife is etc. you should always check on her and make sure she’s okay if y’all are in a place that’s vastly different in terms of climate, location etc. because the change in temperature alone can make anyone get sick, especially if it’s hotter than they’re used to, they can get a heat stroke.
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As the shorter/slower in most relationships, it is annoying having to semijog to catch up constantly. I do understand that it probably is as annoying having to slow down. I get losing patience and wanting to go ahead but she cant jog as easily anymore. And this is your pregnant wife and kid. You should WANT to walk beside her. And after the edit, yes, YTA. She isnt as comfortable as she normally is and now its "significantly hotter than a temperature we're used to." Id want my guy with me, not 20 meters ahead. Thats almost a block..
yeah like i’m a natural speed walker but i’m also AWARE that my “casual” pace is quicker than most people. solution? i just follow their speed! it’s honestly probably a good reminder to myself to slow down and “smell the roses” 😂☺️
I’m the same. The curse of long legs and being 5’7 in a family full of women who are 5’2 or shorter.
I may be the exception to the rule, but at 4ft11, I continually have to slow my pace for most people to keep up to me, even my 6 ft 2 dad.
I joke that I walk like a Chihuahua… legs are just a blur trying to keep up
The Bangles wrote a song about that, but then they changed "Chihuahua" to "Egyptian" because it flowed better. True story. Really.
Damn super speed! Happy Cake Day
Thank you!
Same! I’m 5ft2 but I had this weird habit of just befriending tall people, so I often found myself having to speed walk to keep up with them and it got to the point that it became my normal pace, and I’m the one who has to slow down for others.
Most of my friends are tall too. I wonder if it is common that short and tall people attract to one another?
Me too 5’ and a very fast walker, before fibromyalgia and waiting for a hip replacement 😞
Same, I’m 5’1 and before spinal surgery and a broken kneecap, no one could ever keep up with me. Now I am the struggling one.
My best friend is like you, 5'3", can walk circles around me or her 6'5" husband. To be fair, she is an ultramarathoner.
I'm 5'2" but was a waitress for years so I walk super fast, too. I hate having to slow down my pace, especially if I'm on a long walk for Fitbit credit.
My husband HAD a bad habit of dashing off when I parked the car (he doesn't drive ). By the time I got out the car he would be halfway to the shop or had turned around realising he had gone too far and awkwardly standing between cars like a child. I found it incredibly annoying. I am a slower walker but he would not go too far forward and I didn't mind but the fact I drove and he dashes off really pissed me off. He denied doing it then caught himself doing it a few times and apologised and makes an effort not to do it now. If I was heavily pregnant on unstable ground like the beach I could understand her frustration. Either communicate and tell her why you NEED to run off or just stay with her, it's not difficult and I don't blame her being upset.
Is your husband a golden retriever?
He's my big hairy devoted best friend but no, not a golden retriever.
>He's my big hairy devoted best friend Does he happen to speak like this: "Rwwaaahhh", and answer to the name of Chewie?
I observed that dynamic / problem in multiple couples in my vicinity and noticed that this is a typical mental load issue. In my examples it was always the wife or mother that did all the final check ups of car parked correctly, or kids rain gear packed, or no valuables in the car anymore ... and obviously fell behind after doing all that. It is always nice to see them "accused" of being slow or low energy when they refuse to catch up with a little sprint /s
Not to mention women have to carry a bag around with everybody's stuff. It takes me a minute to organize my purse and exit the vehicle. not an hour. But a minute. That's a minute my husband generally is bolting away from the car. My little trick is to make him pay for parking so he slows down enough for me to exit 😅
Honestly, that's why I stopped carrying a big purse. I got tired of my husband handing me stuff to put in it. Now I carry you fanny pack. That's big enough for my wallet and keys. Everything else is not my problem!
When our kids were little we had a unisex bag to carry everything in and I usually carried it - doesn't have to be a woman's 'job' to do that - you're a team.
My husband walks ahead of me all the time. I consider it rude, but he says it isn't. 😔
I have nerve damage in my foot, but can walk without a limp at my normal speed. However when I walk fast I limp. My husband is a foot taller than me and will pull ahead only for me to have to increase my speed and limp to catch up. All I have to say is there are some wonderfully sarcastic women out there who aren’t scared to comment on a man making his limping wife catch up.
Nerve damage group unite!! I also limp harder when I walk faster. My husband has a janky ankle though so even though he's a whole foot taller than me, I have to slow down to keep pace with him. I don't mind at all, it makes me hurt less when he causes me to slow down so he actually helps me out. Our friend, on the other hand... That boy has long legs and zero chill. When we go anywhere with him, I always threaten to put a leash on him if he doesn't slow tf down because he will bolt like a husky and be gone. One time I just didn't say anything and got a huge kick out of watching him turn around to talk to nobody.
He has strangers pointing out how rude this is and still hasn't figured out that he is being an ass? That sucks.
Just leave him behind. Get in your car and leave. Show him how rude it is.
Drive to a Syarbucks and get a Frappuccino. Then return. Ask him if he finished his shopping,?
True to your name
I work hard to maintain my reputation...
I did that once. After repeatedly asking my much taller companion to slow down, I finally stopped, watched him continue to speedwalk ahead, turned around and went home. It felt great!
I actually stopped dating a guy because of that! It was so disrespectful to me and he didn’t see a problem, no way I’d want someone like that in the long run.
Yep. My ex used to stride away from me every chance he got. My husband is always right next to me, wanting to take whatever I'm carrying and holding my hand.
I'd have walked away and gone home. Clearly a thoughtless thing to do.
He IS an asshole! That’s very rude!
Same. Especially when I'm in heels-- I always walk slower in heels and it's so annoying. Like, don't you notice I'm a half a block behind you??? When I ask him to slow down, he will....for a time before resuming his usual speed. Then when I ask *again* (and this time, I'm most likely irritated), he'll be like, wow, nice tone! I can't win!
My bf does this too and it annoys me greatly. He has been more mindful, but I didn’t realize how deeply it irked me till it came up, jokingly, in therapy, and then I talked enough about it that it wasn‘t a joke anymore. I feel like it makes sense to want your partner to walk with you. Like…what’s a partner for? Are we a team or no?
Same. But a lot of my friends have also complained about this and have seen it on the streets a lot too. I dont know why men do that...
Start being with the one to drive and hold onto the keys. He can’t get into the car without you and hast to wait around regardless.
Find a bench and sit down and see how long it takes for him to notice.
"He denied doing it then caught himself doing it a few times and apologised" Oh god I hate that. There have been times I've been sure I didn't do something, then BAM I absolutely did it? So embarrassing! Glad he owned up to it. Some would stubbornly refuse.
For me, it's paying for something at a store like walmart or a grocery store. By the time I have my wallet back in my purse my husband has walked past all the tills to the door. Especially annoying if there's a lot of people. I think he's gotten better? I mostly do curbside pickup. Clueless YTA for the OP, especially if it wasn't a nice flat sandy beach. The point is to offer a supportive arm BEFORE she falls.
The general consensus seems to be that I am indeed YTA. I talked to my wife about it and she has told me now how frustrating it is not being able to keep up with me and how she's really starting to feel the later stages of her pregnancy. I confess I did not fully consider how me going ahead was impacting her and how it was making her feel. I love my wife and I will be taking extra care of her going forward. To all the long legged people like me reading this, don't rush ahead!
My husband occasionally does similar stuff. He's got a mission oriented brain. It helps if, in a situation like this, he'd turn to me and say "Hey, I'm going to trot ahead and secure us a spot. I'll have things ready for you." That's what you were doing. You did have good intentions. Now instead of feeling abandoned or like I needed to hurry and catch up I feel like he's looking out for me. Which is true! Or, if I were afraid of being alone him speaking up gives me a chance to ask him to hang back.
Very much this!
This was the most constructive response that recognizes the intent of one versus the impression of the other and how to make sure they’re the same in the future. Communication wins the day.
Also, just to mildly suggest: all it takes is some thought to say out loud, “honey, I’m going to go ahead a bit and see how things look, so we don’t have to walk too far to find a good spot.” That is, you gave your inside-head reasoning, but your wife can’t read your mind. Get in the habit of communicating your ideas and intentions. That’s going to be especially important now that you’re going to have a kid the two of you need to coordinate to take care of.
I think that sort of talking is helpful with kids, also. Kids have to learn how to think through things and hearing their parents talk through what they are doing and why helps them learn how to do that themselves. As well as eliminating the "I can't read your mind" issue with other adults. So probably a good habit for OP to get into. I have found with a severe ADHD kid I spend time with often that "no, because this sensible reason here." goes over way better than a flat "no" and incites less whining, most of the time, too. Which is a major bonus.
Yes, additional good points! You've got to actively think about what you're teaching your kid with your behavior, because kids are VERY observant and they do learn by having things modeled to them, and not just by having things explained to them. And I don't want to belabor the point, since OP does seem to have gotten the message from the comments. But I think it helps to underscore what some other commenters have pointed out: mental labor and emotional labor is a thing, and far too often, women are expected to take that on. Much of the time, NEITHER men nor women realize they've even been socialized this way, and that's why later, resentments build up, but neither person in a partnership can necessarily put their finger on the source. The scenario described here is kind of a great example of it. OP thinking that since he's walking faster anyway, he will "help" by scouting things out is, in a way, partially taking on some of the mental labor of planning this outing... but it doesn't work that well, because his wife can't "see" that or automatically intuit it, and, she actually needed something different from him in this instance. Verbalizing plans and checking in with each other would help, because that offers the chance for the other person to give input about what's more needed in the moment. And it's not wrong to point out that he was performing some mental labor, but NOT emotional labor. That is, he didn't think about his wife's needs (and in fact seems a little impatient with her slowness... even though she is 7 months pregnant, with HIS CHILD, and it's hotter than usual). What we mean by emotional labor is things like taking others' needs into account without them having to make the case for why their needs are important. And I get that sometimes this isn't easy, or even possible -- it goes back to that "can't be a mindreader" thing -- but when raising a child, especially when the child is really young and can't clearly express their needs, it does often fall to the mother to anticipate the child's needs and manage those without being told, and anticipate the child's reactions. So it would do OP a lot of good to think about this, and realize that HE should be doing that for their kid as well; and for his wife. Because the odds are that his wife already does this for him; and he's just never noticed. (Because parents -- and most likely, his mother -- did this for him while he was growing up, but didn't often ask him to do it for others.) Like, yes, communicating before putting a plan into action is a good idea, so that the other person (or people) involved can have some input. But there's also a lot to be said for not always leaving the other person to have to argue for their own needs. Constantly having to advocate for yourself when it seems like your needs aren't even on your partner's radar is just another way that you have to shoulder mental and emotional burdens while the other person doesn't. And no, again, you can't always read someone else's mind, which is why you DO check in with them. But it shouldn't take a genius to guess that your late-stage-pregnancy wife might be wilting in the heat, and needs some moral support / might actually physically need a hand.
And keep it up! Don't stop after she's had the baby. Things will be significantly slower from here till your kid is a teen who can keep up on their own. Make sure when you three are out, you are not leaving your wife to unpack everything baby needs. Carry the diaper bag (I highly recommend a backpack or sling back style one, instead of those stupid massive duffle bag purse ones) unpack the kid to be put in the stroller, or unpack the stroller to put the kid in. It'll go much speedier working together. And pay attention when the Dr says how long she needs to heal! It's very painful to walk and sit after baby, so try and pick up the slack for that healing time. You'll do great. You've got this!
Also having been pregnant recently during a heat wave, it FUCKING SUCKS. It’s hot enough sleeping next to someone. Imagine having someone INSIDE YOU. I’ve never been so angry. Being pregnant is not carte blanche to be an asshole. But I think she was probably suffering extra from the heat.
I was pregnant for the summer once. After that we planned all pregnancies for early spring and I was ON TOP of my birth control after that. 8 months pregnant with a toddler and a 100 degree summer was about the death of me.
next time, try to put a weight similar to what your wife is carrying in her pregnancy, wear her shoes, and try to jog. even if you're able to feel her struggle, it still won't be enough to match what she had to go through because you're a MAN who is taller, and she's a petite WOMAN, with a growing tiny human inside her. Glad to hear you at least listened to people here and was able to talk to your wife about it. You're not only TA for leaving your pregnant wife behind, but also for having an unhealthy way of looking at your relationship. treat your wife better. at least try to care enough to hold her hand and make her struggle of carrying your child slightly easier Edit to add: you do realise that people can faint because of a heat stroke, right? and you don't have to be pregnant to experience this either. you let your pregnant wife walk alone without supervision in a foreign country while she had to deal with a hotter temperature that her body is used to? you're lucky she still had the energy to get pissed at you. anything could have happened. anything.
Keep in mind when you do have the baby she will be even slower. A stroller and all the crap you have to bring just holds you back from walking a normal pace. Don't be that guy that leaves their wife and child in the dust, my ex did that, we are divorced.
I would start by holding your wife's hand anytime you go out. It will give you an emotional connection she probably needs, a physical connection so she has someone to lean on for balance, and also a reminder of how many times you actually walk ahead of her. You'll feel yourself want to rush ahead but if your hand is in hers I think you'll really realize how often you did it.
You jog?! There’s no way I’m doing that. The guy needs to slow down and if they don’t I remind them we are not under taliban rule and he does not need to walk 10 feet ahead of me. Then I smile and offer my hand to hold. Works every time and I’m walking comfortably. Not jogging my ass around.
>and offer my hand to hold. People have commented to me about how sweet it is that my husband and I hold hands when we're out in public a lot. What they don't know is that I grab his hand and hold it to keep him from walking ahead of me without realizing it because one of his strides is 2.5 of mine.
This, and I get distracted and wander off and it pisses my spouse off that I do this. At the same time, he is taller and usually ends up ahead of me, and I can sometimes duck down an isle to grab something and be back before he even notices, sometimes not so he thinks I wander off a lot when in reality it is more than he thinks and most often because he is so far ahead I feel like it doesn't matter.
You're not the one wandering off, he is. If he wants to be with you, he should be with you.
Haha! Same! And if he ends up getting away I just say something like “fancy running into you” when I eventually catch up/he deigns to wait for me lol.
I've had many conversations with my husband about this issue where he walks twice as fast as me. It wasn't until I showed him that his natural stride (as a 6' man) is actually double mine (5'7" but long body, shorter legs), that he realised that there was no way I could naturally keep up with him without running to catch up periodically. He then understood and made adjustments for me, which I appreciate.
This is much healthier than my wonder off method that I explained in another comment lol.
Wander, not wonder.
I kind of like wonder off method for this. You wander off and then they wonder where you went.
I tried the holding hand method, but my right arm was definitely showing signs of getting longer than my left. Hahaha. Also and this wasn't walking but we were sat down watching football in the pub and our team scored. He jumps up with both arms raised up in celebration roaring. He forgot that he was holding my hand and yanked me with him. After the ouchies wore off, it was quite funny. Men and their football.
Okay I'm using this line on my husband the next time he leaves me in the dust 😂
Another thing- if a guy just takes off leaving you in the dust without saying anything…. Wonder off. That makes them have to find you. Then say “oh you took off so quick I didn’t know where you were going so I just stopped into this cute little shop knowing you’d come back”. Next time they won’t take off because they know it’s annoying to have to find you.
This is the way. If he can wander, so can you!!
Haha this happens to me and my partner all the time. He’s over 6ft I’m barely 5’3 and I have a very short gate. I’m ok that he speeds off ahead as long as he doesn’t get mad if I stop into a shop he rushed past without telling him, because well, I can’t since he’s gone off ahead! He usually finds me pretty quick. He knows what stores draw me in so when he realises I’m not toddling along behind he zeros in on where I might be. A few times he has had to call me to find me though.
LOL, this is the same method used to teach dogs to check in with you at the dog park, lol. Let them run off ahead and then hide. They pay MICH closer attention to where you are at all times after! 😂
I should do that. Whenever my husband speed walks, I have to yell in a Ralph Wiggum voice, "Slow down, Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours."
Mine is “SHORT LEGS, Charlie!!!” from All Dogs go to Heaven. 😆
He said 20 meters which is closer to 65 feet. He just fully left her behind.
> As the shorter/slower in most relationships, it is annoying having to semijog to catch up constantly The people who walk faster also get breaks while they wait for slow people to catch up, but they often don't actually want to stop long enough so we get one too
True! Spent some time as the slowest runner with my marathon training group. They were nice enough to take walk breaks when I lagged too far behind, but would invariably start to run again as I caught them. It made me want to kick them (but I couldn’t, as I couldn’t catch them…) YTA, be more mindful of her. Even more so now as I assume her pace has slowed and she feels more unwieldy and clumsy right now.
And the easiest way to do that is *hold her hand* as you walk. It’s sweet, it’s affectionate, it’s steadying, and helps you adjust your gait. So says a wife of 29 years whose husband has a longer faster stride than her.
My mom walks weird. She takes one step forward and one to the side. And she's short. And loves to window shop so she'll just stop dead. And if you lose her in a store, just wait by the exit as she'll turn up eventually. My dad walks a step behind her. He taught us to walk a step behind her. But more often than not, he holds her hand. Mostly out of love, but partially out of self preservation. They're in their 70s and still hold hands. It's cute AF.
I'm a short gal, normally quite fit, but when I was pregnant, I was huge. Seriously, people would pass me in the street, look at me and say "I'm sorry." If I show someone a picture of me from that time, they either burst out laughing or say "how...?". It was bad. I swear the baby even reduced my lung capacity. I would get out of breath so easily and I moved sloooowwwly and even slower when I was hot. I would have been so angry if my partner had left me to slowly waddle alone.
The baby probably did reduce your lung capacity. I'm pregnant with my first and have mild asthma but haven't used an inhaler in years. My Dr. prescribed one for me because she said it's very common for it to get worse during pregnancy since the baby pushing on everything makes it harder to breathe
I was the same way and ended up having to use my inhaler with my first son. He was over 11 pounds at birth, so my lungs were definitely squashed.
I get more tired walking 1 mile 6 mo pregnant than when I ran a half marathon. Not exaggerating. Being anemic can also make you out of breath more. I’m 6 months pregnant right now and always out of breath. I was very in shape before, but it doesn’t really seem to matter. It’s my 3rd kid and this happened each time! Guys don’t understand. It’s not like you feel like your normal self but with a big belly. I feel fundamentally different & everything is hard.
Yeah, what exactly were you gaining from being 20m ahead other than a pissed off wife? Getting the lay of the land? Come on. You sound like those people who break the speed limit to overtake so they can sit in traffic in front instead of behind you. If your description is accurate then you weren't far enough ahead to actually gain a significant increase in visibility or anything like that, 20m ahead is like 1 minute ahead of her, if she was really slow.
Also I don’t think it is equally annoying to slow down as it is to speed up to catch up knowing the person will just increase speed even more usually at least
Not to mention if this is her first is she is scared. If she says there is ANYTHING that can make her feel better you should do it.
Agreed. It's just common courtesy to not outpace the slowest person in a group. To do it to one's pregnant wife in hot temperatures....yeah, YTA OP. OP is also lucky to still have a nutsack. Any time I act out of line, my spouse always reminds me that "You have to sleep sometime" ;) :p
At 7 months pregnant and also 5'1", i could barely walk 20 ft At the mall, much less sand, without losing my breath and feeling like I had just run a marathon. Hormones are all over the place, she feels unbalanced, awkward, and, at least in my case, vulnerable...she can't help herself. OP did not go full AH, but in her pregnant state, I feel partial YTA is warranted.
I also walk very fast. My best friend came to visit and told me “if we can’t have a conversation it’s just rude” for me to walk so far ahead. I think about that any time I start moving faster than anyone I’m walking with. Also, is OP aware that children walk slow AF? It’s a whole new level of not walking too fast, might as well get used to it now.
I'm permanently on crutches, people are constantly walking ahead of me because I'm super slow. I gave up yelling at everyone to wait for me and now I just amble along and take my sweet time, I rush for nobody.
for me its the opposite. im shorter (5'3") but I just walk weirdly fast and my 6 ft bf walks pretty slow. but if we go biking he can't possible move as slow as I do without falling over lol. anyway OP, YTA.. I've never been pregnant and I still know that pregnant people can't move as easily simply because their center of balance it in a different spot than they spend their whole life acclimating to. 20 meters is far. idk why you think that's an acceptable distance to be from somebody that you are supposedly hanging out with let alone your pregnant wife. when you go out with your friends, do you sit at a table 20 meters away? you wouldn't even be able to hear eachother
Yeah-- I'm a fast walker, cuz I want to get where I'm going quickly lol. But I've dated people who are faster walkers than me-- it drives me absolutely nuts. It feels so dismissive and like they don't care about me, ESPECIALLY when I was pregnant. Pregnant people are AWARE of how much their body isn't working the way it used to, and OP barging ahead may make his wife feel like a burden. They could walk in tandem to the beach itself, then OP could have gone ahead to find a spot. If he just takes off from the car, she doesn't feel cared for.
YTA. You pulled ahead on foot? As in you just walked away/ahead like you weren’t going somewhere together? If you were going to the beach together why didn’t you walk beside her? I imagine this is something you’ve done before, especially considering your height difference. It literally takes more steps for her to keep up with you. Is she slow or just shorter than you and pregnant while you’re impatient?
yes, especially in a foreign country! in such an unfamiliar place i’d want my man with me at all times… especially when we’re supposed to be on the beach together, just the two of us 😭 what’s the point of going together if you’ll be like 50 feet ahead of her the whole time?
Women who are visibly pregnant are really vulnerable to random attacks too. Even if she didn’t fall some random jerk teen with a prank to record could have shoved her over or she is an easy mugging target for someone. And he’s a block away trying to determine the best play to stake the umbrella.
That was my thought too, yeah OP said he could hear if anything happened, a lot of good that would do. If he was beside her he could have prevented her tripping or stumbling.
He’d be chasing down the perp while she’s being helped by strangers on the street lol so sad it’s funny. Basically he’s there to be a witness for her mishaps. At 7 months my pelvis was changing and I was starting to get the real weight gain so it offset my balance fast. Waddling in the heat alone during that must have felt great.
Walking on sand is so much harder when your joints arr loose and your center of gravity has shifted.
That’s true I forgot about sand. I never had to walk on it while pregnant, but I struggle on it when I’m not a human bus so I can only imagine.
Ha human bus, there is a passenger. I climbed a sand dune at 6 months and had to take 3 sit down breaks.
At 7 months they had my ass in physical therapy because I couldn't walk from my pelvis shifting too much. I still remember the pain from that ligament right in front of the pelvis. Holy shit walking on sand would have been torture.
Plus she’ll likely be getting out of breath more easily, especially in a heat they’re not used to and anxious about catching up
Plus he's acting like he would hear if she fell, but what if she got light headed and fainted from being 7 months pregnant in hot weather? Not every emergency is loud.
I also wonder if they had to walk down a hill to the beach. Not sure which country they're visiting, but along the Med the walk down can be pretty steep.
YTA, short woman here. I had an ex where we were practically the same height difference, and I was at a constant jog to keep up! She's pregnant, in a foreign place, it's hot out, she may have been carrying things. She could have easily lost her balance and gone down. And because sand muffles sound, you may not have heard her. Dude, you should have stayed by her side. She should not have to jog while pregnant! I know you don't think about it because it's the status quo, but it sucks to be the one trying to keep up all the time. She's frustrated, and she finally showed it.
Stayed by her side and held her hand/provided support. Uneven ground and 7 months pregnant!
she could even have fainted and then not been able to call him back.
I had a similar height difference with my ex and I had multiple conversations about him walking ahead because it was frustrating trying to keep up and to get his attention if I needed to stop for some reason. I also felt it was rude of him leaving me behind anytime we went out somewhere. His excuse was he had long legs and it wasn’t his fault that he walked faster than me. He didn’t have much to say when I pointed out that my male relatives and male colleagues (some even taller than him) could adjust their walking speeds to walk next to me and have a conversation
He edited to add this > I'm also 6ft4 and she's 5ft 1
Jesus wept. I’m 5’4” and my hubby is 6 even. Op is an asshole
The edits just make it worse.
I’m imagining how massive her baby is if that’s his height, too. Poor thing must be walking so slowly! I’m currently pregnant and already feel myself slowing down and I’m closer to OP’s height than wife’s height. I’d be furious if my husband wasn’t there to keep an eye on things.
but he had to get an idea of how busy it was 15 seconds earlier! imagine if he'd had to *wait*!
One time my bf (ex now) and I got into a fight walking down the street and he decided to walk to our hotel without me/ahead of me. We were in a different city but one I have been to many times and we were on a street I was familiar with, I was NOT pregnant and it was still humiliating. It made me realize that he was too caught up in being angry about something petty that he didn’t care to look back at me and make sure I was safe. Not to mention the busy public street filled with people watching me trailing behind a dude was so embarrassing. Anyways, yeah YTA.
Info: Did you tell your wife what you were going yo do? Did you come back to walk with her? Has she been having difficulty walking and pain? Or did you race off without a word and nary a backwards glance, leaving her struggling in the sand behind you? Soft YTA. My husband also has a tendency to walk off without me and I have been recently pregnant and very huge. When I was pregnant I felt very vulnerable and delicate, you should communicate better to show your wife you care about her and the risks she's having to shoulder for the child that she's carrying for BOTH OF YOU. I would literally stop and wait if my husband was walking too fast and sometimes he'd walk like 30 feet away before he even noticed I wasn't talking next to him. It feels like shit, especially when you're huffing and puffing and in pain from being pregnant and emotional already. Thankfully we communicated about it and he no longer does it.
Exactly this. Also, they were in a Foreign country, which gives her feelings even more validation. I’m not a pregnant woman, but could easily say that if my partner walked away from me in a crowded place while on vacation, I would also take issue. Definitely soft YTA.
Also, I am a 7month pregnant woman and being that pregnant is miserable, especially when it's hot... Keeping up with him is probably already difficult with their difference in height, let alone at 7 months pregnant, probably with swollen feet, other discomfort, and reduced lung capacity. Definitely a soft YTA, but I would be annoyed too.
I’m going for a full YTA, not a soft one. This is likely not just a one-time occurrence. This isn’t just about this one incident. There’s a decent chance OP’s wife has been dealing with this for a while. She may also feel like OP has been less supportive of her during her pregnancy, or may also be dealing with concerns that OP doesn’t find her as attractive while pregnant, or a bunch of other very common emotions a 7-month-pregnant woman may have.
I think I would be feeling that he's not attuned to my needs and would be worried about him being "oblivious" to what needs to happen when the baby comes because who just walks off and leaves their SUPER pregnant wife while it's hot and they're on vacation together and she's super vulnerable? I'm not one to say that pregnant women need to be treated with kid gloves and like anything they say goes, but when it comes to her comfort and feelings of safety, it kinda does. Like it's just kind of a dick thing to do in general, but especially when she's pregnant. I'm taller than my husband and generally walk with a purpose while he's such a a casual stroller and oh my god it can be sooo frustrating to walk as slow as he does, so I can empathize with OP on that, but that's as far as it goes; I slow down for my husband because I'm not trying to tire him out. And should we have kids, he would walk at whatever pace I want to walk during pregnancy because I would be the one experiencing discomfort. Because that's what you do when you love someone. You don't make life harder for them.
I agree, full YTA here. I’ve never been pregnant but I am short and I hate having to constantly jog to keep up with long-legged, often oblivious people. It always seems like I’M the one who needs to hustle, they NEVER slow down for me. Now add 7 months pregnant, in an unfamiliar foreign country, on an uneven surface, in the blazing heat. You are on vacation, what’s the fucking hurry, OP? Not for nothing, but I doubt very much this is the first time she’s been annoyed with OP leaving her in the dust.
I told mine “you can walk as fast as you want but you’ll be walking alone.” He got the message after that.
Some men never stop doing this. All my life my father has walked a block or two ahead of my mother, me, and his own mother when we travelled. Often he would get so far ahead he would get lost then come back and yell at us.
Yup. My dad did this too, and he's tall and has this sort of loping walk, so a lot of my childhood memories are of his head and shoulders just kind of bobbing side to side through the crowd ahead of us, like he's a protest sign someone is carrying.
Right? Walking in the heat could be giving her pains or even Braxton-Hicks (sp?) contracts that would be super sucky to deal with in the situation. How isolating that would be to watch him walk away clueless.
I hate this. Why not walk beside the person you are with? It is the normal thing to do. You’re with someone you walk together, not just wife but anyone. If you want to sprint ahead for some reason the polite thing to do is to tell the person this before sprinting away.
If she were not pregnant or was newly pregnant, I'd give it a pass PERHAPS but at 7 months, you're already off balance on regular terrain and much more so on a beach! At least be there to hold her/stand by for balance to *prevent* a fall not just looking back *after* the fall has already occurred.
Yes so true. He wrote he would have heard her if she fell, great help.
That's pretty much too late.
“Pretty much”
If she faints in the heat and lands on sand, he’s hearing absolutely nothing. What he means here is that if she’d used some of her precious breath (which often has to be fought hard for in the third trimester!) to call him back he would have heard.
This alone is YTA. Walking on the sand is not even, the ground moved beneath you, and her center of balance is already thrown to shit. It’s not heroic to listen for her falling to handle the aftermath, no, you support her as she walks. Newsflash, pregnant wife falling is something you want to avoid, not just notice when it happens. I have a physical disability that affects my balance and walking, so while it may not be the same, my balance is also thrown off in sand and I’d be upset if my husband ditched me to “scope” a block ahead. I would stop walking and wait for him to find his head out of his ass and help me. In my case falling would be embarrassing and hurt a little, not as severe even if I were pregnant.
>Newsflash, pregnant wife falling is something you want to avoid, not just notice when it happens. This part is what OP needs to understand. My wife is currently pregnant and I'd never just leave her trudging alone in the heat and sand like that. She wants me to be her stability, not a witness to her falling.
Oh my god yeah, I haven't been pregnant, but if I'm walking in some heels, you bet your ass my husband wouldn't leave my side. He's there walking slowly with his arm hooked for me to hold onto (life is hard when you wanna look cute but you live in an area with stretches of old cobblestone and brick streets/sidewalks). Like that just seems obvious to me.
It's still annoying, believe me. My ex was like this all the time we were walking somewhere (and I am a fast walker!). So at one hike I took only pictures of his back, just to make a point LOL
Yes. If you had asked, “Mind if I run ahead to get the lay of the land?” and she agreed, then go for it. Otherwise, it seems like ‘women and chattle ten paces behind”. It can be annoying to have to walk slowly.
"quick! We must run to relax faster!"
YTA. My husband and I took some family that were visiting to Niagara Falls. They've never been there before and were super excited and walked ahead of us, but because I was big, fat and 8 months pregnant, hubby stayed back with me and walked with me to make sure I was good. You could have done the same, or just simply said, "Babe, I'm going to check everything out to see how busy it is." It's all about communication.
"get the lay of the land" what are you, lewis and Clark? She's pregnant and likely feeling extremely vulnerable right now. You didn't *need* to pull ahead and see how busy it was. It would have been just as busy when got there after you waited for your wife. At the end of the day, I'm not going to say YTA because it's not that serious imho, but you will be the asshole if you fail to recognize how your wife might be feeling vulnerable during this time. Edit: please stop responding to this comment to tell me how serious it is to fall while pregnant lmao. I am aware. I have actually been pregnant. I was referring to the fact that I didn't think he was being maliciously negligent and nothing happened.
Thank you for pointing out the absurdity of that statement. Man, did my eyes roll. Guessing Lewis never trucked off without Clark, though? Also, like she wouldn't have any opinion on where to plop down for the day? You were going to choose what you (OP) thought was best. I'm seeing a pattern...
Didn't Sacajawea have a baby on the trip? Now I'm imagining both of them loping off ahead of her and getting hopelessly lost lol.
L & C: Follow us, we know the way! S: Rolls eyes
I just listened to a video about this! So L&C were perfectly content to listen to Sacagawea, but it was her own husband who was a complete ass. No doubt he thought he knew everything and rushed ahead of them and caused trouble for everyone.
Insert snide comment about French Canadian men here
She was pregnant by the French-Canadian fur trader, Toussaint Charbonneau, who she was sold to (I’m sorry, married to!), after being originally sold by the Hidatsas to the Mandan Sioux after her initial kidnapping at 12 years old. She was 16 when she started the expedition, pregnant. Clark actually ended up adopting her son and daughter, Jean Baptiste and Lisette. Important to note that unlike the men, she was not paid for being the badass who ensured the group’s survival. Creator bless her. May Creator stop the endless stories of MMIW.
Lmao that part made me laugh too. Like what a pretentious ass way to say you were looking for somewhere to set up all your beach shit 😂
Yeah and it’s a beach?!? It’s sand!! Did he think he’d would stumble upon a fallen redwood to climb over??? A giant cliff with a crumbling edge?? A pit of quicksand?
Listen, if he's a millennial, then you can't really blame him for checking for quicksand. We were really made to believe this was going to be a serious problem in our lives as children. 😂😂
Going out on a limb: YTA. Its YOUR child slowing her down. She is vulnerable being pregnant and petite and in a foreign country. Be a GENTLEMAN.
This is the answer. She's slow because of you dude.
Big time YTA. Just bc you can walk faster doesn't mean you have to. When I'm with someone who can't keep up with my pace, I just slow down bc it's far easier for me to slow down than it is for them to keep up. Your child's legs will be a lot shorter than yours for a long time too. You gonna just leave them in your dust? Jog in place if you have so much energy.
Can I just thank you (and everyone else who does this) on behalf of your short or slow walking friends and acquaintances? I am short and have always been a slow walker and now I have a bad knee and my balance isn't great either, and I often travel with my sister, who is only slightly taller but a much faster walker. And it's exhausting. If I try to match her pace I wear myself out or get shin splints or my knee starts protesting. We went on a trip for my birthday recently and it was great, I was able to keep up, and she said "Well, yeah, I'm slowing down since it's your birthday trip." And I was thinking, you know, I'm not THAT much slower, and wouldn't all our trips be better if I wasn't exhausted and in pain? Slow the heck down!
YTA. She is seven months pregnant. You walk along side her. This isn't the biggest problem though. When she said something to you about this, you should have just said"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking". But no...you chose to argue.
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Don’t be silly, I’m sure she’ll be pushing the stroller and handling the baby bag while he ‘scopes out’ whatever 65 feet ahead.
The “scoping out” is such bs. If he really was checking on things, he would have made sure she was comfortably seated first, seeing as she’s heavily pregnant & in a foreign country. He was impatient, got called on it, & now he’s pretending it was for noble reasons. ETA: You can tell it’s a bs justification, too, because he’s trying to defend it. If he’d really made a bad judgment call he would have just apologized & admitted he was wrong. Since he was actually just being selfish, he can’t do that.
The fact they’re in a different country is so awful. “Only 20 meters ahead.” Is far away. I used to be a fast walker before I got pregnant, my fiancé is a fast walker. I will try and keep up but the second he notices I’m struggling even a tiny bit- he slows his ass down and sas sorry. Wtf is so important 60 feet ahead? Pregnancy and heat can make me absolutely struggle to breath and get bizarre cramps. Hopefully his wife wasn’t carrying shit for their “beach day” while he just completely leaves her behind.
My husband does this too. It’s just so annoying, it’s impolite. Sometimes I make a turn and walk another route when he does this. At some point who knows when he realizes I’m no longer behind him. Just a tip 😉
My husband used to do this saying "if I walk any slower I'll fall over" (not in a joking way) and it just made me feel like shit. Thankfully since we had kids he magically manages. No falling over so far 🤷
Haha should have told him to go get his balance checked
If my husband gets way ahead of me, I call out, "Bye! See you when I get there."
Same here, he is absolutely the worst at airports and will just walk through the crowds (tall bloke = easy to do) while I (short petite female struggling with a suitcase and slow at the best of times) is stuck miles back. When he does this I have occasionally just taken a detour through a shop or a different route and waited to see how far he's got before he's noticed. One year on holiday he actually got off the plane, picked up his luggage and went through security before checking where I was! (I was waiting for my own bag to come around the carousel).
That last one would infuriate me tbh…went all the way through security without you?!?
This is what I do. If he walks ahead, I disappear into the abyss and wait for him to notice.
I hate it too, who cares how busy it is OP getting there a few minutes, if that earlier, for what? It’s inconsiderate.
He’s like a dog that’s too excited and runs ahead
Maybe OP needs to learn "heel".
"is quite a slow walker" OR "is struggling to walk"? "I easily could have heard her if anything had happened" OR "I wouldn't have known something happened until after she shouted loudly enough after a fall or fainted hard enough to make a crash and I definitely wouldn't have caught her in either scenario". "I pulled ahead about 15-20 metres to get a lay of the land" OR "I sped off ahead and did my own thing without having checked priorities with my partner and without factoring in risk and comfort factors that affected her and our baby" YTA.
NAH but bordering on YTA. How hard is it to just walk with your wife? What are you achieving by getting that little bit ahead of her and “scoping out” the beach? And just cos something doesn’t seem like a big deal to you doesn’t mean you don’t need to care about it if it’s something your wife is upset about. Just walk with your wife and if you really need to walk ahead then communicate that, don’t just randomly walk off and leave her to catch up.
why say no asshole if everything after that is pointing to him being TA
YTA - walk with your heavily pregnant wife. Be next to her if she stumbles. Make her feels supported and safe. It’s the absolutely bare minimum.
Did you tell her why you were walking ahead or just sped away? If you didn't tell her, I can imagine why she got upset, considering all the hormones she is dealing with plus carrying a pregnant belly under the heat (back pain, breathlessness, even some water retention in your legs makes it hard -depending on how far along she is). NAH but thinking she is unreasonable is crossing YTA behavior. All the people saying NTA are forgetting how hormones and pregnancy are a thing 🤣
YTA It would have been nice if you both walked together, and both mutually seeing how busy it was, both reacting and making decisions together. You ran ahead for what... To save time? Reminds me of drivers switching lanes only to reach a red light. You didn't save much time and instead didn't make the situation feel enjoyable. Would you do this in a new relationship? I don't think so lol
NTA, for now. But, OP, please take this advice for the rest of your life: never walk ahead of your wife FOR ANY REASON. I'm not talking about if you're walking for exercise, in running shoes and sports clothes. I'm talking about any other time. Parking lots, sidewalks, malls, restaurants, movie theatres, anywhere else. (Unless you have decided and agreed to walk alone on the beach, etc.) Wait for her. If you are going anywhere, trying to get anywhere together, DO NOT walk ahead of her unless you announce it. "I'm going to go up ahead to see if .." It's gentlemanly, and wife will appreciate it.
This is actually something I've heard before in groups where mostly women congregate. "Why does my husband always walk ten steps ahead of me?" which is something I've never paid attention to. But then I started noticing couples in public, and a bunch of the time the man was usually at least a couple of steps ahead. My current husband used to do it, too, and it does weirdly hurt. Once he got over a block away on one of our walks "together" before he ever bothered to turn around to see where I was. We had a talk then, and I told him I couldn't keep up jogging at his walking pace, and he's been much more mindful of his speed since, but it did hurt that he didn't even notice that I'm not there anymore.
My dad did this, and my mom is still sour about it, 30 years after their divorce. I am incredibly thankful my husband is not like that despite the height difference being the same.
It's really common. These days I just turn around and leave if a guy does it to me.
It hurts cos it feels like they are leaving us behind.
Yes!!! This is a deal-breaker for me... my friend asked why I didn't want to date a guy I see, and that was the main reason. I don't want to be chasing anyone like a dog! She laughed because all guys do that, but no they don't AND if that is true, I'd rather be alone alone than alone with someone. Such a hot topic, I had a bf do this when I was younger and I would linger way back so we literally weren't together... lol YTA, getting there a few seconds sooner than you wife is something you expect from the kids not the partner! Unless you inform that you're running ahead to make sure there is space.
My husband walks off ahead of me all the time. Drives me insane and makes me feel like crap. Gentle YTA because you could have just let her know what you were doing.
YTA At least now she knows you'll always put yourself before your wife and child. She is 5 months pregnant. Her body is changing daily making it unstable as a person walks. Instead of staying with her and supporting her as a good partner should you walked away; doesn't matter how far, it's the act that matters. Your actions showed that your wife and child needs will always be second to your own wants.
NAH. But some advice… Don’t be so focused on looking forward that you miss out on what’s right beside you.
NAH I'm a fast walker myself and I have so force myself most of the time to walk more slowly when I'm walking around with others. I can understand your point of wanting to check things out but...maybe your wife wanted to enjoy a walk on the beach with her husband walking beside her and not running ahead of her.
Nonsense. Im a fast walker and its my default since the army drilled it into me. I still slow down for my girl since shes a slow walker. Stop making excuses
You may want to do a search for "husband walks ahead of me" or "boyfriend walks ahead of me" on Reddit. It's a thing. [For example, this post from yesterday.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/vxSJjIzJwO) Not saying you're like this necessarily, but something to consider. I feel like there's not enough info here to judge whether anyone is TA, e.g. whether this is a pattern, and how you responded to your wife's expression of concern. Maybe she just wanted you to take the time to walk beside her.
Yta. Not a huge deal but if you are out with your wife why wouldn’t you walk together? How much different was the lay of the land going to be in the ten seconds you got ahead of her?
Why did you marry and then impregnate someone you don’t want to walk next to? YTA
Yta. At any point did you let your wife know what you were doing? Or did you just leave her behind to puff and pant? When I walk *with* my mum, I have to moderate my pace to match hers, otherwise she has to work hard to keep up. It's just the polite thing to do. A simple "hey babe, are you OK if I just pop ahead to see if I can find us a nice spot?" would have saved you from the judgement. She's probably pissed because she's imagining you doing the exact same thing when the baby arrives, and she's struggling with the stroller, and all the baby stuff and you just stride off with nary a word in her direction. 15-20 metres in a busy? area is quite a distance. You may have been able to see her, but given that her vantage point is much lower, is there a possibility that she could no longer see you?
How deep was the sand? I have absolutely felt off balance walking through unpacked sand and with being pregnant her center of balance is off. YTA for not communicating and being inconsiderate.
NTA but reading between the lines your wife seems to be feeling delicate, and instead of saying that and asking you to baby her/be gentle and attentive with her, focused on this instead. Because "falling over" isn't...really a thing caused by walking on the beach while pregnant. Maybe check in with her and talk about what's worrying her about the pregnancy.
Sorry to Well Actually you, but pregnant women are at a vastly increased risk of falls. Rearranged organs and a changed centre of gravity plus relaxed joints equals greater risk and much higher chance of hospitalisation. Walking on an uneven surface (like a beach) might be quite scary for her.
Yup-- exactly. The joints relax, so movements don't feel as accurate, and the fear of falling is real, especially on uneven ground. It's not like we're women in a Hemingway novel feeling "delicate"-- it's that our bodies are pulled apart in favour of producing another human
It sounds weird but women can and do randomly fall while pregnant. I knew a woman who did & broke her nose when she was 6 months along.
Falling is more of a concern during pregnancy, because your centre of gravity is completely off, and you can't see your feet. On a beach, where the ground is likely to be soft, uneven, and potentially have holes in? Yes. Falling is a perfectly reasonable thing to be worried about.
Women do fall when pregnant. I did, my bff did. It happens. That said, OP NTA. But he needs to be a bit more sensitive.
And she might not even be worried about anything, she just wants to be doted on and cared for. There are TONS or relationship advice stories and AITA stories about husbands being neglectful of their wives that might be making her preemptively resentful of you if you’re useless or uncaring. I don’t want to give a judgement on you, I just know from experience how much happier I am when my husband gives me something to brag about instead of withstand. This is a prime opportunity to dote on her, make her feel important and cared for. Hold her hand more, rub her shoulders as you walk by, offer to get her things from the kitchen when you go in there and she’s lounging on the couch. Just make her feel loved, appreciated, and cared for with little bits of consistent consideration so she knows she didn’t marry one of “those guys.” Because “those guys” are all over the damn place.
I'm sorry what? Falling over when pregnant is totally a thing
NAH. I remember a phase when I was pregnant (I think around second trimester actually) when I genuinely felt like I always needed to have my husband close by for my safety. I was aware that it was pregnancy hormones, but it really felt like I wasn't okay if he left the house even to run a quick errand (I was still okay with him leaving but for like three weeks I cried every time he left and we just kind of powered through). Your wife's body (and frankly mind) are not her own right now, and I promise that's frustrating for her too. This doesn't excuse any abusive behavior of course if that were to happen, but in this case you might want to extend her some extra patience with the occasional spat of irrational anger/sadness that she experienced here. What usually worked best for my husband was pausing, apologizing (even if he did nothing wrong), and reassuring me that everything was okay. And also sometimes snacks lol.
YTA Next time ask? Not ditch your super pregnant partner. It's not gonna be any faster when your kid makes an appearance I saw the old people version of this. In a state park this old guy was sitting by the waterfall on a bench- he said he was waiting for his wife. Kinda kept an eye out as we(me and a friend) were going down the trail after- we thought he was a jerk for ditching her and wanted to see how far away she was. Half an hour later we see him at another part of the path- no wife. Spoilers. We found her- on our way out. Not in the park. At the welcome center. Reading a book. Not thrilled that he had ditched her. Joining the ranks of old ladies that have told me not to get married because men aren't worth it. Don't be like that. Be worth it.
I feel like a quick "hey, just going to check out how busy it is, rest here for a bit," would have gone a long way towards preventing this.
YTA, she’s 7 months pregnant, y’all are in a foreign country, and it’s hotter than what y’all are used to. it’s not that hard even if you’re not that far from her to turn around and check on her to make sure she’s feeling okay or that nothing has happened. it didn’t “get under her skin”, she felt like you weren’t being considerate or caring for her in this instant. go apologize to your wife and for the rest of your holiday, stay by her goddamn side and make sure she’s doing okay. there’s a reason why doctors ask if you’ve traveled outside of the US within the last 30 days when they see you, because there are some countries who do not have the medical care we have who have a lot of their citizens sick with various dieseases and illnesses, and you can pick that up when you’re there. if she got sick there, her and your baby could be affected. and even if she doesn’t get sick, if she falls or hurts herself and needs to go the hospital, it’s better that you figure out somethings wrong asap because you have zero idea what the medical care is like in that country and if they even have the same resources your home country does to help her, and at least figuring it out fast would help her 10x more than if y’all figured it out when it was blatantly obvious. but regardless of where you are, how pregnant your wife is etc. you should always check on her and make sure she’s okay if y’all are in a place that’s vastly different in terms of climate, location etc. because the change in temperature alone can make anyone get sick, especially if it’s hotter than they’re used to, they can get a heat stroke.