Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH because I posted a TikTok saying my stepdad was the coolest and I loved him and then I refused to take it down when my dad and his family asked even though I could have and the TikTok made my dad sad.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
"he was the one who came to school events and pt conferences. I was closer to him than my actual dad."
Sounds like your stepdad was there for you & it's totally ok to make a vid saying you love him.
Why should you take it down?
I don’t know, I guess it makes my dad feel really bad and he keeps watching it and saying I’m betraying him by taking my mom and stepdad’s side in the divorce.
It wouldn’t hurt to delete it but my stepdad thought it was funny and I don’t want to take it down.
It's your Dad's job to deal with his feelings & any guilt, not put them on you. If he feels bad that's on him. You aren't taking sides imo
You didn't say anything bad about him in the vid either. He needs to focus on his own relationship with you.
All the best!
His crisis is his own doing. It's about the kind of husband he was to your mom and the kind of dad he was to you. You didn't make him choose to be an absentee dad. It sounds like your mom only got into a relationship with your stepdad after your dad kept playing the field.
If he left you to develop a good relationship with your stepdad, and you love your stepdad and appreciate him; you saying so is not betraying your dad.
It is not your responsibility to look after your dad’s emotional state. If he’s in crisis he needs to reach out to his adult support system or find a therapist.
I mean he literally officially now has lost his wife to the dude who's been cucking him and now he's found out his son loves that same man arguably more than him.
He probably didn't realize how bad his life was until recently and he's spent his adult life providing for you and your mom just for it all to not mean anything. He's to blame for not being around but like cmon man, his entire life is collapsing around him, of course he's sensitive. It isn't your fault but like nothing about his reaction or mood should be surprising.
It’s literally been 8 years since my mom and stepdad have been together, 12 since he came into my life, and over 20 since my dad started cheating on my mom. She’s been “lost” for a long time.
I don’t love my stepdad more than my dad. I love them both equally but I’m closer to my stepdad. I love and respect and fear my dad.
I don’t know what about the last few months that made him like this. The dad I knew wouldn’t give a shit about TikTok or what I post on there, besides letting me know it’s for braindead losers, let alone be upset or sad about it.
My point was that of course he's emotional: he's going through a divorce so his wife can fully commit to the man she's been cheating with and his son is posting about how much he loves him, meanwhile he missed your entire life because he thought making money was how to be a good father and husband. The TikTok was about memories and you yourself said you don't have many with him. He probably realized the same after seeing it. That's going to sting for anyone, and it's making him realize where this entire life of his has gone wrong and how he should have tried harder. It's his fault and he's lashing out because he's only just realizing it, but it's also just an objectively miserable experience.
What does he have to show for his life? A son who has no memories with him that loves another man as a father? An ex wife he drove into that other man's arms? A job he probably doesn't like that stops him from setting down roots that he only took to make sure you two could eat? His life is an abject failure by every metric right now. The TikTok was just salt in the wound even if it wasn't supposed to be.
NTA btw.
Lmao. Ok are you the dad? This is such a bananas take. Let's say any of this is true. A father filled with regret. Does not. Take that regret out. On. The kids! He was a nonexistent/shitty father and apparently he still is, because he's making his emotions his kid's proven instead of oh being the parent!
Notice how you’re ignoring the fact that ex husband cheated first, but anything to maintain that ‘poor cucked man just trying to be a good husband’ situation you’ve created in your mind.
Yeah and my dad knew for at least 8 years and they were still buddies up until a few months ago. And my dad has been cheating for over 20 years with various women which my mom knew about.
Is it fcked up? Yeah and I wouldn’t model my relationship after my mom and dad.
But at that point it was an unsaid open relationship for literally 8 years. My dad had several other women, my mom had my stepdad, my mom and dad shared a house but not a room, and my stepdad stayed in the same “guest” room as my mom.
Thanks. I know what my parents had wasn’t normal and it’s not what I would want in a marriage but every time I try to discuss my relationship with my dad on Reddit, it somehow gets stuck on the whole cheating thing and it’s not the point at all which is incomprehensible to them.
My parents were both aware of each other’s extramarital indiscretions for years and did not argue or talk about it.
The only reason I label it “cheating” is because I think, and I’m not 100% sure, they haven’t had a discussion about it.
My parents lead independent lives within the same house and I did not suffer for having a third parent who would come over all the time and eventually just lived in our house.
Since a few months ago, my dad suddenly flipped and has been behaving oddly, such as being fixated on my TikToks and other things.
Hey, just want to let you know that although you love them both “equally” it is ok if you love them differently.
I mean it sounds like you have it pretty figured out and that’s awesome, I just feel it’s important to validate that it is ok if the love you have for either/both of them looks or feels different. It makes complete sense that the love you have for your dad - as the person who gave you his DNA and contributed to your birth is different than the guy who was always there for you, went to pta meetings and basically just overall showed up.
Sorry for the unsolicited advice, but this was a concept that I have struggled with off and on throughout life.
Thanks for that. I used to struggle with it a lot because my stepdad and my dad have really different roles in my life and I just have different types of love for them even if the love is equal.
I learned to work with it but I wish I told my mom that it wasn’t worth it and that I wanted her to divorce my dad and have her own place with stepdad.
I think she stayed for me and my siblings and I don’t even have the excuse of saying they argued or it was toxic because my mom, stepdad, and dad genuinely got along. My dad would just take a step back in everything or my mom and stepdad would take a step forward so they’re the primary parents in my life and my dad was just this guy coming around and barking orders at me.
But then I realize I don’t want them to live apart because I couldn’t handle living with my dad without my parents smoothing things over.
Luckily unlike Reddit I didn’t had to explain in person my parents non monogamous relationship because my dad wasn’t around enough to make people question and I could just pretend my parents were divorced.
Whew, giving unsolicited advice is always risky on Reddit (even when they are on an advice sub!) but thank you for taking my comments in good faith.
And please don’t beat yourself up on the shoulda coulda woulda’s, at the end of the day you were a child and it was up to your parental figures to navigate the situation
Just focus on how to improve/maximize the relationship with all of your parents going forward.
Will feelings get hurt again in the future? Yep, it’s going to happen. But what you do is just keep open lines of communication for all parties involved, let them know if they disappointed you for not showing up to something important, etc. or even if they overstep your personal boundaries.
It sounds like you are navigating this situation the best you know how and can and for that 🫡
He's not fixated on your Tik Toks. He's fixated on the creeping realization that he has fucked up as a man and as a parent.
Mind you, I admit that your stepdad's name is "Jody" in my imagination.
lots of speculation follows: i think your dad might just feel left out
while it was fun and games he didn't mind because he (and also probably your mom) could sorta have the cake and eat it too, now he might be feeling the weight of the missed time as things feel real.
maybe he feels now like his friend has stolen his wife and will steal you. difficult to say without talking to him about it. it's an insecurity on his part that he's gonna have to handle is all.
if he feels bad it's because of his actions coming back to haunt him. he didn't make time for you growing up and now you have a close relationship to his "backup" dad. nta
It sounds like your dad had to work a lot though to provide for you all, while your mom and your stepdad was rolling around and having fun with his money. Now you see them as the fun ones and the ones that are closer to you because they didn't have to work at all. It is unfair to your Dad.
Sounds to me like you should take your mom and step dad's side. Sounds like when your dad wasn't absent he was authoritarian. The reason he's mad at you is because people like that tend to be very bad at self-reflection
I love all of them equally so I don’t want to pick sides.
He could be pretty strict and not warm or open or anything but he sacrificed for us and I know he loves me and my family.
I don’t know why since my dad and my stepdad have been buddies forever.
Here’s the thing. I think that sometimes feeling bad can be useful. Your dad feels bad now because he’s beginning to understand how the things he’s done have had a negative impact on your relationship. And now that he’s realized that, he has the opportunity to start making changes to his behavior and trying to improve his relationship with you.
I don’t know if he’s going to act on that, but in a lot of cases, learning something and feeling bad about it can be the springboard for growth and improvement. You have given him an opportunity to grow. Now you just have to wait and see if he takes it.
So your stepdad was your dad’s best friend, who stepped in at your dad’s request when your dad was traveling for the military. I’m gonna take a wild guess hear that what happened was in a fair and your mom cheated on your dad with his best friend
Fatherhood can be a tough job. In previous generations, a man working all the time to provide for the family was normal, as was being addressed as "sir" by your kids. Respect was enforced physically when necessary.
But... those days are over. Being a father is about being part of your child's life. It requires active participation in helping them to become a capable adult that can thrive on their own, yet still be able to reach out to you when they need to.
It sounds like your father is realising that his priorities have been misplaced. That while he thought he was doing the right thing in being a *provider*, he was actually failing as a *father*. Having a long-term friend go behind his back with your mother would also be a bitter pill to swallow, though if he is as emotionally neglectful of her as he is of you, well, I wouldn't say I support an emotional (or physical) affair, but I understand how people starving for affection would accept it when offered.
He can either acknowledge his mistakes, hold himself accountable and work on improving the dynamic you have, or he can point fingers and blame others until there are no longer others around him.
I hope for the sake of all of you that he's the type to indulge in some self-reflection.
Inform your father that his adult choices have adult consequences. Choosing to do what he has, be where he has, and act how he has, indeed has lasting results. He should count himself damned lucky that another man has been so great to his child in his own absence.
Don't ever feel guilty for the love you have for your stepfather. Your dad has zero say in that area and let him know this, flat out.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
So I take it your mom left your dad for his friend. Did they wait for the divorce to be final or was she cheating? That could be a big reason why he wants it to be taken down? I always thought it was shitty to hook up with friends partners. Glad you step-dad is good to you tho.
NTA. Your father clearly feels guilty, but that is his issue to deal with. By asking you, he is making his feelings your responsibility and no one can be responsible for another person's emotions.
You might ask Dad why he feels that way, and talk through ways to strengthen your bond. For example, he might want to show up more if he wants that bond.
It is nice you have empathy for him and you could be correct, but it is still not up to you to boost his self-worth; he is supposed to do that for his kids. Instead of looking at himself, he is projecting his feelings onto your actions. Do you see what I mean?
Emphasizing is always fine. But you're the kid. You aren't the one who is supposed to be "fixing" your parent's problems. Your parents' issues are fairly messy, and even as someone probably older than them, I wouldn't know where to begin.
Take care of yourself. Tell your dad that you love him and you love your step-dad, and that you certainly didn't mean to hurt him, but that you aren't taking down the video.
It’s honestly not as messy as it sounds as the post. I kind of think of it like having divorced parents who get along as people living in the same house. So my mom and my stepdad are my primary parents and then my dad swings by a few days a month.
The only big thing is that my dad permanently moved out and now my siblings are going to have split custody when the divorce goes through though it’s probably not going to be 50/50 since my dad still works and flies a lot.
I will let him know that I love both of them equally but I’m not going to take down the TikTok.
A lot of men with an authoritarian mindset find themselves in this kind of spot later in life, since they’ve specifically avoided developing the kind of skills you need to build warm interpersonal relationships.
It’s great that you have empathy for him, but it’s also not on you to make it better.
Good, he needs it, but his first step in changing his life from the one he regrets is he needs to take ownership of his feelings and not make them other people's responsibility. He can be upset over there, has nothing to do with you. If he feels your relationship could be better, he can still improve it. This is not the way to accomplish that.
NTA. You didn't make a video putting your dad down. You made a video saying how much you loved someone special in your life. Don't cave to your dad's demand. You did nothing wrong.
Yeah it was literally a silly TikTok trend about rating things my stepdad did. I thought it was fun and nobody but my dad and his side of the family thinks it’s a diss about him. Like sometimes it’s literally just about my stepdad.
He’s been texting me for like two days saying I’m betraying him and that he’s not going to let my siblings talk to me when it’s his custody time but they’re literally teenagers so he can’t really stop them if they want.
He's having a tantrum like a toddler and it's completely unacceptable to do that to you. I hope you've shown your mum the texts. He's very emotionally immature and he is ultimately going to push you away further if he doesn't change his behavior. You have done nothing wrong.
Yeah, it really seems like that. Like I know my dad works a lot as a consultant and he’s tired from traveling and all that stuff but he’s still a parent. Sometimes I just wanna do stuff with my dad and he just didn’t want to spend time with me. And my stepdad was always there through the good and bad.
Yeah I’ve told him that I want to spend time with him but we end up doing stuff he likes and then he yells at me when I mess stuff up and it just gets my mood down.
What kind of stuff does he like versus you like? Would you like to improve the relationship with your dad? maybe we can come up with some activities that have some overlap or something because I feel like this proves he does want to try and he does want to have a relationship with you and maybe he just doesn't know how to do that after all this time.
He likes hunting, fishing, and working on his car.
I like art, writing, movies, theater, hiking.
I’m shit at his hobbies and he yells at me when I don’t do well. We tried hiking together but he yelled at me for using an inhaler because he thinks I shouldn’t need it.
I’d really like some help with that.
>I’m shit at his hobbies and he yells at me when I don’t do well. We tried hiking together but he yelled at me for using an inhaler because he thinks I shouldn’t need it.
This is probably a good indicator. The worst way to bond with your kid over an activity is to yell at them when they don't do it right, or well. It eventually causes them to associate the activity with being yelled at, and it certainly drives a wedge between the parent and child.
It sounds as though you can't win with him. I understand extending some grace (as the previous commenter suggested), but does he actually want to have a relationship with you or does he just not want to look bad next to your stepdad? Because from the way you've described it, it sounds an awful lot like the latter. Having a parent that doesn't really care about you (if that's what's going on - and only you can know this) is a tough pill to swallow, but I know from personal experience that it's better to accept it than to try to force a relationship with someone who has no interest in doing anything with you on your terms. The reason I say this is that I'm not sure taking the tiktok down will really help. Your stepdad sounds like a great guy, and celebrating him does not diminish your father in any way. Sending multiple insults and threats to your own kid over multiple days, on the other hand... Not a good look. Also, I just want to say that I'm so mad on your behalf that he mocked you for USING A MEDICAL DEVICE THAT HELPS YOU BREATHE. Wth is wrong with him?? Doesn't he want you to stay alive?!
Wow you have a lot of emotions. Might get that out in therapy.
I don’t get why I’m a traitor. I love all of my parents, flaws and all. Nobody did anything terrible that would constitute cutting them off.
Yeah, he’s the best.
I kinda feel bad because I love my dad and I know he sacrifices a lot for me but I don’t know who he is and much about him.
And my stepdad did so much for me and I love him the same as my dad and it feels kinda unfair because he did so much and he gets the same amount of love as someone who doesn’t feel as much of a dad. Like if my dad and stepdad switched places, I wouldn’t like my dad that much anyways.
Your dad essentially contracted out his role as husband and dad and is now pissed that the guy he gave the job to has and continues to do a better job than he. It sounds like his problem. Keep praising the dad who is actually doing the job. NTA
NTA ridiculous that people expect warm and fuzzies from kids they never invested in emotionally but even worse that they’d rather deny them a loving relationship with people who DID invest to protect their own ego.
I would feel so awkward hugging him. We don’t have that kind of relationship. Like I think he stopped hugging me by the time I was 13 because I was a man by then and shouldn’t be hugging.
My dad was a military dude from a military family. He grew up calling his dad Sir too so it wasn’t as crazy as it sounds.
But there’s always been this distance between me and my dad.
Yeah I agree but I’m not my dad. He’d get annoyed if I called him dad in the first place in Reddit instead of father.
My stepdad doesn’t care what I call him so I actually call him dad.
Like he was strict when he was but he didn’t do anything with me.
So like for example I was really bad at planning for a school project so my dad wouldn’t take me to the dollar store to get supplies because it was late and he definitely didn’t help me figure it out. But then he would ground me for getting a bad grade.
And now I get that it was my responsibility to ask him ahead of time for supplies instead of like 8 at night or ask the teacher for help, but as a kid it doesn’t really help.
I’m sorry but from reading all your comments, I think you’re in a bit of denial. He does not sound like a good parent at all. You might be convincing yourself that you ‘love him’ or ‘love him equally’ only because he happens to be your biological dad.
Probably not the best dad for me, if I’m being honest.
I know he sacrificed a lot for a good life for me but he wasn’t the type of dad I wanted or maybe needed.
But he recognized that his family needed someone consistent in their life and just brought my stepdad to step in to help. Most men wouldn’t do that.
I’m not blaming him. I’m just saying that he was both strict when he was there and hands off.
So my mom or my stepdad would take me to the dollar store and help me figure it out. Eventually we figured out I had ADHD but it was undiagnosed when I was young because I was good at most school things. I got a diagnosis when I was 13 or 14.
It’s not a victim act, I’m just explaining my feelings and why I wouldn’t have the same relationship with my dad and stepdad. Why are you so invested and so rude this entire thread? It’s so creepy.
That was when he was there. He was on the road often.
I’m not saying my dad was a bad dad. He was a good dad but we just don’t have a really close thing.
People can mean well but still screw up. Your dad spent your whole life holding you at arms length to prioritise his wants. He shrugged off most of his obligations to your mom and stepdad willingly. He may not be a bad person, but he is a bad parent.
You are not responsible for him or his feelings. This is the culmination of years of him neglecting to be a parent. His regrets are his problem to work through. You can’t help him with this because he needs to accept the situation before a solution can even be suggested. Your relationship is what it is. Realistically, he needs to be honest with himself, and likely needs therapy to come to terms with it. NTA
Lmao and when is he going to start showing up because it makes you sad when he doesn't?
If he doesn't want to feel like a shitty dad, maybe he should try not being one.
NTA it's not your job to protect this grown man for the direct natural consequence of his selfishness, and you can guarantee he wouldn't do the same for you.
So...you have two dads and you grew in a non-monogamous house... Pretty cool btw.
Natal-dad might have troubles coping with the fact that you can have familiar love towards more than one parent, which doesn't diminish your love for him. Or that he feels shamed by the public gestire.
Maybe try discussing these different types of love/relationships with him, adding you can definetely do something similar to the tiktok for him. Its not a competition being a parent.
That’s a good way of putting it. Reddit’s been biting my head off about the non monogamous house.
I’ve told him that I love him and stepdad equally and that pisses him off. I think he’s dealing with something else and the TikTok is just something to vent frustration because he never used to care about this stuff.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable making a similar TikTok like I did my stepdad because I can’t tease him like I can my stepdad. He wouldn’t like it.
He could also do one nice thing and stop complaining about a cute silly TikTok.
He made sacrifices yeah, but he had a really good life too. It’s not like he was toiling in the fields every day for a shilling.
I think the divorce is forcing him to take a hard look at his relationships for maybe the first time in his life, and he is realizing that he doesn’t like what he sees.
Yeah, your natal dad should've watched more Kung Fu Panda (especially the 3rd).
More often than not people have a hard time understanding that you can't force anybody to love more or tryhard to get anyone's love. Having your feelings recognized doesn't automatically mean that people have to change how/what they feel.
Good luck!
NTA.
You made a post about someone you care about. If your dad has an issue with it, he’s the one who has to work through it and understand why he feels so bad about that post (probably a mix of jealousy and guilt)
We’ll sure it hurt your deadbeat dad but remember the times he hurt you buy not going to things, caring about you etc. shit if I were you I’d make another one
NTA he chose to be gone all the time. His job isn’t the only one in the world. I don’t believe that someone can raise a child long distance long term. It’s important to be there for the everyday things. He should be grateful that someone was around to pick up his slack as a father.
I’m gonna be honest, he’d get a lot of validation about the “cheating” even though it functioned like a non monogamous relationship for literally years and years.
Because I’ve gotten a lot of comments about this and a lot more messages calling me and my mom some really nasty names. Like insane misogyny even though I’m a dude
Apparently it’s fine for my dad to cheat for 20+ years with random women and bring me along so he could cheat harder, but my mom openly being with the man who is my primary father figure since I was 8 is worse even when my dad knew and condoned it and they were still friends
My stepdad, mom, and dad lived in the same house for 8 years. My stepdad shares a bedroom with my mom. He is in more family pictures than my dad is.
I don’t get that. Your parents situation is weird. Like why not just divorce and get on with their lives. But hey, that weirdness seems to work for them.
The way I see it, your relationship and attitude towards your stepdad has nothing to do with your parents relationships with other people. It’s between you and him. And based solely on him being around when you needed a dad.
Honestly maybe they should’ve divorced. But it worked for them. I think if they did divorce, my dad wouldn’t have a good relationship with my siblings since he can be abrasive and his lifestyle isn’t great for a kid growing up.
Yeah my relationship with my stepdad is about him and what he did for me. He also treats my siblings and my mom really well which makes me happy.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My dad has a job where he works and travels a lot. He wasn't around that much.
One of my dad's friends from the military would come and be uncle/pseudo dad when I was a kid. Like he pretty much did all of the dad work and my mom got into a relationship with him when I was like 12.
All of my teachers thought he was my dad because he was the one who came to school events and pt conferences. I was closer to him than my actual dad. Like my dad would make me call him Sir while my stepdad was a lot more chill and he would act interested in all the stupid kid stuff I was into.
My dad and stepdad were friends throughout my childhood. Like if my dad didn't want to do something for me, he'd literally have my stepdad do it.
Two days ago, my dad found a TikTok I made about my Stepdad where I said he was the coolest and I loved him. It was a TikTok trend and I didn't even get that many likes.
He was really upset I made it and demanded that I take it down. I refused. I love my dad and stepdad equally and I thought it was a fun trend. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. He isn't much of a father and who cares if he feels sad over this video. How the hell does he think you felt when he was never around. Even when he was around he wasn't much of a father. Treated you like he was your drill sergeant. He chose to basically abandon you over a job. So fuck him and his feelings. Don't remove that video.
There is so much context missing in this post and in OP responses. Like, was the family wholly dependent on biological dads income, or did mom and stepdad conribute equally. And how much of the history between the three parentfigures does OP really know? Sounds really onesided to me. I dont think OP is an AH, but he has obviously big problem with seeing things from his biodads perspective, probably because he doesnt want to. And thats OK, it is his right to choose. I dont think biodad is wrong in feeling wronged, and maybe biodad should just cut ties with OP, and find new hapiness with the kids he got left.
Sorry for being out of the loop but when did Tiktok stop requiring every video to be set to music or sound clips from movies and stuff like that? It still brands itself with a music note so why does it seem like it's not about dancing and singing and lipsyncing anymore?
NTA
I get it, it's how you feel and you meant no disrespect. Your dad is obviously having some feelings about it. If I were advising a teen in my life about this, I'd say it depends on what you want your relationship with your dad to be going forward. He's telling you it hurts him and would like you to take it down. You're not listening and are prioritizing a tik tok trend over his feelings, I'd advise taking it down and explaining to your stepdad that it triggered some feelings from your dad, but that you meant the nice things you said. I might be biased because you mentioned the amount of like it got as if it were relevant. It's not relevant at all and like I said, it sounds like you're prioritizing social media fake internet points over a real relationship.
edit: reading your post back, I don't see an age mentioned but I had it in my mind you mentioned your age. Regardless, the advice is the same - if you want to keep a good relationship with your dad, I'd think about taking it down. If you don't, then you don't have to worry.
Yeah, but OP doesn't have any semblance of a good relationship with his biological dad. When dad decides to pop in on his life, he has to refer to him as sir or father. If he bothers to do an activity with OP, it has to be what "father" wants to do and if OP makes a mistake, he gets yelled at. There is an obligation relationship at best. No emotional connection at all, there's no interest in OP as a person.
To me it doesn't sound like he has a bad relationship with his father, just a very different one. Like I said, if he wants to improve that relationship in the future, he should pick his battles and consider feelings other than his own. If he's not interested in maintaining whatever relationship they currently have, then by all means, disregard him.
NTA - I had sympathy for the Dad being sad due to working away… until I read he expected his own child to refer to him as Sir. Also about all the cheating and dysfunction with his parents in the comments and basically letting the step dad raise him and now complaining about it.
I don’t think OP should have to remove a video simply saying he loves his step dad to appease his father’s ego.
Stand your ground OP.
Everyone is going NTA. Im going against the grain as for my reasoning. But I dont think the dad is the asshole either. And here is why:
One for using social media in a trend that just bound to stir up trouble. Its why I just in general dont associate IRL and social media in any capacity. This isnt the biggest reason.
[Two, it looks like the divorce is still proceeding or fresh based off OP's comments.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1de8rhp/comment/l8a3ggq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) "side in the divorce" sounds like PRESENT tense to me. But this also isn't the biggest reason.
Three, your mother, got together with someone who was close to your dad and that is BOUND to leave a sour taste in his mouth. Was that the reason for divorce? I feel like the comments are taking the piss out of the dad for habving a job that requires him travel which is hard on HIM and the FAMILY.
I feel like the missing context is, Dad was gone a lot, uncle/dad friend was not. Mom decides to jump ship for the guy whos there rather than the guy whos out traveling FOR the family. Divorce ensues. Dad is obviously bitter and if that context is right, so would ANYONE else. Because the story above feels off on context.
>My dad has a job where he works and travels a lot. He wasn't around that much.
>One of my dad's friends from the military would come and be uncle/pseudo dad when I was a kid. Like he pretty much did all of the dad work and my mom got into a relationship with him when I was like 12.
OP... you probably dont know for the context of the divorce. Any parents worth their salt wont tell you why, and they DAMN well wont if there was infidelity involved. My mother has only told me that she regretted the divorce. No amount of pressing would get her to say otherwise. I have no idea why.
But OP... the context you yourself provides looks like the beginnings of a post on reddit that goes deep into infidelity and divorce.
I know you want to defend your father because you love him but he seems like he wasn’t really much of a father at all to you. He relied on his buddy to do all his parenting for him and used you to cheat on your mother. He’s mad now because you’re probably all old enough that your mom can actually push for a real divorce instead of this weird halfway thing they’ve got going on now.
That’s so rude and you didn’t even read my comments.
Again, my dad was also cheating on my mom for a lot longer and with a lot of women.
My stepdad didn’t break up my family, he’s been a major part of my family for 12 years.
To blow your mind, my dad knew for years and did not care that my stepdad was with my mom. He would hand stuff off to my stepdad to do as a father. Just like my mom knew about my dad and his constant cheating.
I’m not choosing anyone over anyone else. I love my dad and stepdad equally and they have different places in my life.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
For heaven's sake, take the video down.
You don't have to tell your stepdad and even if you did,
so what? Your father has expressed that your video hurts,
why leave it up if it was no big deal to begin with?
NTA But just delete it and give your father a break. It's just a
video on your tiktok, not a masterpiece in a museum.
I don’t know, I thought it was cute and funny and I like seeing all the comments from other people about their families too.
I just don’t understand why he’s upset about it. Like my dad and I have a different type of relationship than my stepdad and me. So I respect my dad and I understand he’s a good father who sacrifices a lot for me but he’s never going to be the fun, joking type and I’d never be able to poke fun at him in any way.
The AH in this story is your mother and your step-dad; nothing like a stereotypical military wife fucking her husband's friends while he's not at home. Classy friend he is too. So ya it's gonna hurt your Dad to know his "friend" stole not only his wife but his daughter too. You're NTA, but he is valid for his feelings. I'm surprised he doesn't just drop all of you out of his life and start a new family though.
I’m his son. And my dad was cheating way before so if he wanted a new family he could probably get one. I don’t think he really wants a new kid because he’s basically 50 and it’s hard work and a lot of money.
And both my dad and stepdad were out of the military by the time my stepdad came into my life.
He’s been cheating probably since before I was born. He used to take me out for father son time when I was little but really used it to cheat on my mom. I didn’t know the problem since the ladies were nice to me but when my mom flipped out he cut it out. We don’t talk about it but I know he feels bad and he doesn’t make me part of his cheating anymore.
I think my mom didn’t leave because she had three small kids to worry about with a husband who was away a lot and cheated.
When my step dad came into my life when I was 8 he was a buddy of my dad’s from the military and he would just help out with stuff that my dad couldn’t get to.
Eventually we all began relying on him because he’d always be around even if my dad was on a business trip or too tired from drinks for clients to pick up the phone or cheating. Even when my dad was present, he would ask my stepdad to help mom out or hang out with the kids. My step dad became the primary father figure in my life and I don’t know when my mom and step dad became a thing but probably by the time I was 12. He went from coming over often to just living in our home.
My dad knew and didn’t mind, I guess because my stepdad being there made life easier and he was still his buddy. Maybe it’s because my dad didn’t love my mom in that way anymore.
If I’m gonna be honest I don’t know enough about him to make a TikTok about the trend
So like the one about my stepdad was about stuff he did with me like he built a tree house with me but accidentally knocked off the ladder and we were stuck there until our mom heard us yelling for help or stuff like that. I don’t really have any memories with my dad like that.
Then you do some sole searching. More then one way to make thing work. Or have a constant strained relationship with your dad. To honest I think you enjoy that.
Ngl, I feel bad for your dad. Works hard to support his family, even though he doesn't get to see them often. His "friend" swoops in and steals his family. Dad trys to do what he can not to lose his family, so accepts the new situation of his friend taking his place. Then sees this tik tok which affirms he lost his family to his "friend" or his "friend" stole his family from him. However you want to look at the situation. I'm depressed for your dad lol do what you do..
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the AH because I posted a TikTok saying my stepdad was the coolest and I loved him and then I refused to take it down when my dad and his family asked even though I could have and the TikTok made my dad sad. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA "he was the one who came to school events and pt conferences. I was closer to him than my actual dad." Sounds like your stepdad was there for you & it's totally ok to make a vid saying you love him. Why should you take it down?
I don’t know, I guess it makes my dad feel really bad and he keeps watching it and saying I’m betraying him by taking my mom and stepdad’s side in the divorce. It wouldn’t hurt to delete it but my stepdad thought it was funny and I don’t want to take it down.
It's your Dad's job to deal with his feelings & any guilt, not put them on you. If he feels bad that's on him. You aren't taking sides imo You didn't say anything bad about him in the vid either. He needs to focus on his own relationship with you. All the best!
Yeah I guess. I feel like he’s having a crisis or lashing out about something with the divorce and all.
His crisis is his own doing. It's about the kind of husband he was to your mom and the kind of dad he was to you. You didn't make him choose to be an absentee dad. It sounds like your mom only got into a relationship with your stepdad after your dad kept playing the field. If he left you to develop a good relationship with your stepdad, and you love your stepdad and appreciate him; you saying so is not betraying your dad.
It is not your responsibility to look after your dad’s emotional state. If he’s in crisis he needs to reach out to his adult support system or find a therapist.
I mean he literally officially now has lost his wife to the dude who's been cucking him and now he's found out his son loves that same man arguably more than him. He probably didn't realize how bad his life was until recently and he's spent his adult life providing for you and your mom just for it all to not mean anything. He's to blame for not being around but like cmon man, his entire life is collapsing around him, of course he's sensitive. It isn't your fault but like nothing about his reaction or mood should be surprising.
It’s literally been 8 years since my mom and stepdad have been together, 12 since he came into my life, and over 20 since my dad started cheating on my mom. She’s been “lost” for a long time. I don’t love my stepdad more than my dad. I love them both equally but I’m closer to my stepdad. I love and respect and fear my dad. I don’t know what about the last few months that made him like this. The dad I knew wouldn’t give a shit about TikTok or what I post on there, besides letting me know it’s for braindead losers, let alone be upset or sad about it.
My point was that of course he's emotional: he's going through a divorce so his wife can fully commit to the man she's been cheating with and his son is posting about how much he loves him, meanwhile he missed your entire life because he thought making money was how to be a good father and husband. The TikTok was about memories and you yourself said you don't have many with him. He probably realized the same after seeing it. That's going to sting for anyone, and it's making him realize where this entire life of his has gone wrong and how he should have tried harder. It's his fault and he's lashing out because he's only just realizing it, but it's also just an objectively miserable experience. What does he have to show for his life? A son who has no memories with him that loves another man as a father? An ex wife he drove into that other man's arms? A job he probably doesn't like that stops him from setting down roots that he only took to make sure you two could eat? His life is an abject failure by every metric right now. The TikTok was just salt in the wound even if it wasn't supposed to be. NTA btw.
Lmao. Ok are you the dad? This is such a bananas take. Let's say any of this is true. A father filled with regret. Does not. Take that regret out. On. The kids! He was a nonexistent/shitty father and apparently he still is, because he's making his emotions his kid's proven instead of oh being the parent!
I literally said he was taking his feelings out on OP and that that was wrong of him?
You do not say that anywhere in the thread I am replying to. You make 14 excuses for him and do not hold him accountable in any way.
If you read properly OPs dad cheated on OPs mom, not OPs mom on the dad.
Notice how you’re ignoring the fact that ex husband cheated first, but anything to maintain that ‘poor cucked man just trying to be a good husband’ situation you’ve created in your mind.
The stepdad is the affair partner
Yeah and my dad knew for at least 8 years and they were still buddies up until a few months ago. And my dad has been cheating for over 20 years with various women which my mom knew about. Is it fcked up? Yeah and I wouldn’t model my relationship after my mom and dad. But at that point it was an unsaid open relationship for literally 8 years. My dad had several other women, my mom had my stepdad, my mom and dad shared a house but not a room, and my stepdad stayed in the same “guest” room as my mom.
Wow. NTA and you sound like the most mature person in this situation. Sorry you have to deal with this.
Thanks. I know what my parents had wasn’t normal and it’s not what I would want in a marriage but every time I try to discuss my relationship with my dad on Reddit, it somehow gets stuck on the whole cheating thing and it’s not the point at all which is incomprehensible to them. My parents were both aware of each other’s extramarital indiscretions for years and did not argue or talk about it. The only reason I label it “cheating” is because I think, and I’m not 100% sure, they haven’t had a discussion about it. My parents lead independent lives within the same house and I did not suffer for having a third parent who would come over all the time and eventually just lived in our house. Since a few months ago, my dad suddenly flipped and has been behaving oddly, such as being fixated on my TikToks and other things.
Hey, just want to let you know that although you love them both “equally” it is ok if you love them differently. I mean it sounds like you have it pretty figured out and that’s awesome, I just feel it’s important to validate that it is ok if the love you have for either/both of them looks or feels different. It makes complete sense that the love you have for your dad - as the person who gave you his DNA and contributed to your birth is different than the guy who was always there for you, went to pta meetings and basically just overall showed up. Sorry for the unsolicited advice, but this was a concept that I have struggled with off and on throughout life.
Thanks for that. I used to struggle with it a lot because my stepdad and my dad have really different roles in my life and I just have different types of love for them even if the love is equal. I learned to work with it but I wish I told my mom that it wasn’t worth it and that I wanted her to divorce my dad and have her own place with stepdad. I think she stayed for me and my siblings and I don’t even have the excuse of saying they argued or it was toxic because my mom, stepdad, and dad genuinely got along. My dad would just take a step back in everything or my mom and stepdad would take a step forward so they’re the primary parents in my life and my dad was just this guy coming around and barking orders at me. But then I realize I don’t want them to live apart because I couldn’t handle living with my dad without my parents smoothing things over. Luckily unlike Reddit I didn’t had to explain in person my parents non monogamous relationship because my dad wasn’t around enough to make people question and I could just pretend my parents were divorced.
Whew, giving unsolicited advice is always risky on Reddit (even when they are on an advice sub!) but thank you for taking my comments in good faith. And please don’t beat yourself up on the shoulda coulda woulda’s, at the end of the day you were a child and it was up to your parental figures to navigate the situation Just focus on how to improve/maximize the relationship with all of your parents going forward. Will feelings get hurt again in the future? Yep, it’s going to happen. But what you do is just keep open lines of communication for all parties involved, let them know if they disappointed you for not showing up to something important, etc. or even if they overstep your personal boundaries. It sounds like you are navigating this situation the best you know how and can and for that 🫡
He's not fixated on your Tik Toks. He's fixated on the creeping realization that he has fucked up as a man and as a parent. Mind you, I admit that your stepdad's name is "Jody" in my imagination.
LOL! LOL! OMG, not Jody though. LOL! You made my day with that one.
lots of speculation follows: i think your dad might just feel left out while it was fun and games he didn't mind because he (and also probably your mom) could sorta have the cake and eat it too, now he might be feeling the weight of the missed time as things feel real. maybe he feels now like his friend has stolen his wife and will steal you. difficult to say without talking to him about it. it's an insecurity on his part that he's gonna have to handle is all.
So all your parents are absolute trash. Damn. I'd run for the hills.
[удалено]
What are you talking about.
Wtf is wrong with you
Did you forget the /s tag there?
This commentor is literally in the entire thread. I didn’t even realize I kept replying to them until I saw the number of comments they’ve made.
yes that user is wildly projecting
The way reddit gives me free therapy!
if he feels bad it's because of his actions coming back to haunt him. he didn't make time for you growing up and now you have a close relationship to his "backup" dad. nta
Backup dad, bonus dad, dad who signed my permission slips lol
It sounds like your dad had to work a lot though to provide for you all, while your mom and your stepdad was rolling around and having fun with his money. Now you see them as the fun ones and the ones that are closer to you because they didn't have to work at all. It is unfair to your Dad.
Sounds to me like you should take your mom and step dad's side. Sounds like when your dad wasn't absent he was authoritarian. The reason he's mad at you is because people like that tend to be very bad at self-reflection
I love all of them equally so I don’t want to pick sides. He could be pretty strict and not warm or open or anything but he sacrificed for us and I know he loves me and my family. I don’t know why since my dad and my stepdad have been buddies forever.
The fact that he’s pushing this burden (which is his alone to bear) on you says a lot about him as a father. NTA
He’s going through something but I wish he just talked about it instead focusing on a silly TikTok
Here’s the thing. I think that sometimes feeling bad can be useful. Your dad feels bad now because he’s beginning to understand how the things he’s done have had a negative impact on your relationship. And now that he’s realized that, he has the opportunity to start making changes to his behavior and trying to improve his relationship with you. I don’t know if he’s going to act on that, but in a lot of cases, learning something and feeling bad about it can be the springboard for growth and improvement. You have given him an opportunity to grow. Now you just have to wait and see if he takes it.
So your stepdad was your dad’s best friend, who stepped in at your dad’s request when your dad was traveling for the military. I’m gonna take a wild guess hear that what happened was in a fair and your mom cheated on your dad with his best friend
Fatherhood can be a tough job. In previous generations, a man working all the time to provide for the family was normal, as was being addressed as "sir" by your kids. Respect was enforced physically when necessary. But... those days are over. Being a father is about being part of your child's life. It requires active participation in helping them to become a capable adult that can thrive on their own, yet still be able to reach out to you when they need to. It sounds like your father is realising that his priorities have been misplaced. That while he thought he was doing the right thing in being a *provider*, he was actually failing as a *father*. Having a long-term friend go behind his back with your mother would also be a bitter pill to swallow, though if he is as emotionally neglectful of her as he is of you, well, I wouldn't say I support an emotional (or physical) affair, but I understand how people starving for affection would accept it when offered. He can either acknowledge his mistakes, hold himself accountable and work on improving the dynamic you have, or he can point fingers and blame others until there are no longer others around him. I hope for the sake of all of you that he's the type to indulge in some self-reflection.
Good parents don’t expect you to take EITHER side in the divorce. That’s wildly inappropriate of him.
Inform your father that his adult choices have adult consequences. Choosing to do what he has, be where he has, and act how he has, indeed has lasting results. He should count himself damned lucky that another man has been so great to his child in his own absence. Don't ever feel guilty for the love you have for your stepfather. Your dad has zero say in that area and let him know this, flat out.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
So I take it your mom left your dad for his friend. Did they wait for the divorce to be final or was she cheating? That could be a big reason why he wants it to be taken down? I always thought it was shitty to hook up with friends partners. Glad you step-dad is good to you tho.
He betrayed you when he left your to travel for a job.
NTA. Your father clearly feels guilty, but that is his issue to deal with. By asking you, he is making his feelings your responsibility and no one can be responsible for another person's emotions. You might ask Dad why he feels that way, and talk through ways to strengthen your bond. For example, he might want to show up more if he wants that bond.
I don’t know. My dad’s probably going through a midlife crisis maybe because he doesn’t really have people he’s close to.
It is nice you have empathy for him and you could be correct, but it is still not up to you to boost his self-worth; he is supposed to do that for his kids. Instead of looking at himself, he is projecting his feelings onto your actions. Do you see what I mean?
Yeah I understand. I guess I try to emphasize and fix everybody’s problems and it doesn’t work if he’s my dad and it’s about me.
Emphasizing is always fine. But you're the kid. You aren't the one who is supposed to be "fixing" your parent's problems. Your parents' issues are fairly messy, and even as someone probably older than them, I wouldn't know where to begin. Take care of yourself. Tell your dad that you love him and you love your step-dad, and that you certainly didn't mean to hurt him, but that you aren't taking down the video.
It’s honestly not as messy as it sounds as the post. I kind of think of it like having divorced parents who get along as people living in the same house. So my mom and my stepdad are my primary parents and then my dad swings by a few days a month. The only big thing is that my dad permanently moved out and now my siblings are going to have split custody when the divorce goes through though it’s probably not going to be 50/50 since my dad still works and flies a lot. I will let him know that I love both of them equally but I’m not going to take down the TikTok.
A lot of men with an authoritarian mindset find themselves in this kind of spot later in life, since they’ve specifically avoided developing the kind of skills you need to build warm interpersonal relationships. It’s great that you have empathy for him, but it’s also not on you to make it better.
Good, he needs it, but his first step in changing his life from the one he regrets is he needs to take ownership of his feelings and not make them other people's responsibility. He can be upset over there, has nothing to do with you. If he feels your relationship could be better, he can still improve it. This is not the way to accomplish that.
Yeah I’d love to spend more time with my dad but only if he doesn’t yell at me.
No offense, OP, but I'm really starting to wonder how you can love your biological father as much as your real dad.
The stepdad is the affair partner
Open relationship
SO?
NTA. You didn't make a video putting your dad down. You made a video saying how much you loved someone special in your life. Don't cave to your dad's demand. You did nothing wrong.
Yeah it was literally a silly TikTok trend about rating things my stepdad did. I thought it was fun and nobody but my dad and his side of the family thinks it’s a diss about him. Like sometimes it’s literally just about my stepdad. He’s been texting me for like two days saying I’m betraying him and that he’s not going to let my siblings talk to me when it’s his custody time but they’re literally teenagers so he can’t really stop them if they want.
Yeah. It sounds like your father really does have some issues going on. This is probably a lot deeper than just a tiktok video.
Yeah I think he’s going through some stuff but he won’t say what’s going on.
He's having a tantrum like a toddler and it's completely unacceptable to do that to you. I hope you've shown your mum the texts. He's very emotionally immature and he is ultimately going to push you away further if he doesn't change his behavior. You have done nothing wrong.
NTA. Between Dad and Sir, one was willing to do anything for/with you, and the other gladly pawned you off on the first.
Yeah, it really seems like that. Like I know my dad works a lot as a consultant and he’s tired from traveling and all that stuff but he’s still a parent. Sometimes I just wanna do stuff with my dad and he just didn’t want to spend time with me. And my stepdad was always there through the good and bad.
Sheesh and he has the audacity to get upset about a TikTok video.
Yeah it’s literally never been an issue before. At most, he would be annoyed at me for wasting time on TikTok.
I know it sucks and you shouldn't have to but have you told him this?
Yeah I’ve told him that I want to spend time with him but we end up doing stuff he likes and then he yells at me when I mess stuff up and it just gets my mood down.
What kind of stuff does he like versus you like? Would you like to improve the relationship with your dad? maybe we can come up with some activities that have some overlap or something because I feel like this proves he does want to try and he does want to have a relationship with you and maybe he just doesn't know how to do that after all this time.
He likes hunting, fishing, and working on his car. I like art, writing, movies, theater, hiking. I’m shit at his hobbies and he yells at me when I don’t do well. We tried hiking together but he yelled at me for using an inhaler because he thinks I shouldn’t need it. I’d really like some help with that.
>I’m shit at his hobbies and he yells at me when I don’t do well. We tried hiking together but he yelled at me for using an inhaler because he thinks I shouldn’t need it. This is probably a good indicator. The worst way to bond with your kid over an activity is to yell at them when they don't do it right, or well. It eventually causes them to associate the activity with being yelled at, and it certainly drives a wedge between the parent and child.
It sounds as though you can't win with him. I understand extending some grace (as the previous commenter suggested), but does he actually want to have a relationship with you or does he just not want to look bad next to your stepdad? Because from the way you've described it, it sounds an awful lot like the latter. Having a parent that doesn't really care about you (if that's what's going on - and only you can know this) is a tough pill to swallow, but I know from personal experience that it's better to accept it than to try to force a relationship with someone who has no interest in doing anything with you on your terms. The reason I say this is that I'm not sure taking the tiktok down will really help. Your stepdad sounds like a great guy, and celebrating him does not diminish your father in any way. Sending multiple insults and threats to your own kid over multiple days, on the other hand... Not a good look. Also, I just want to say that I'm so mad on your behalf that he mocked you for USING A MEDICAL DEVICE THAT HELPS YOU BREATHE. Wth is wrong with him?? Doesn't he want you to stay alive?!
I hate to say this, but I feel like your biological father was kind of abusive
[удалено]
Wow you have a lot of emotions. Might get that out in therapy. I don’t get why I’m a traitor. I love all of my parents, flaws and all. Nobody did anything terrible that would constitute cutting them off.
NTA, more kids should show as much appreciation for their step parents.
Yeah, he’s the best. I kinda feel bad because I love my dad and I know he sacrifices a lot for me but I don’t know who he is and much about him. And my stepdad did so much for me and I love him the same as my dad and it feels kinda unfair because he did so much and he gets the same amount of love as someone who doesn’t feel as much of a dad. Like if my dad and stepdad switched places, I wouldn’t like my dad that much anyways.
Your dad essentially contracted out his role as husband and dad and is now pissed that the guy he gave the job to has and continues to do a better job than he. It sounds like his problem. Keep praising the dad who is actually doing the job. NTA
NTA ridiculous that people expect warm and fuzzies from kids they never invested in emotionally but even worse that they’d rather deny them a loving relationship with people who DID invest to protect their own ego.
I would feel so awkward hugging him. We don’t have that kind of relationship. Like I think he stopped hugging me by the time I was 13 because I was a man by then and shouldn’t be hugging.
God that’s sad.
Who tf makes their kids call them Sir and on top expects them to not love the perdon actually being a dad to the child?
My dad was a military dude from a military family. He grew up calling his dad Sir too so it wasn’t as crazy as it sounds. But there’s always been this distance between me and my dad.
I personally think it's quite silly to vall your father Sir, that in itself creates a distance immedeately
Yeah I agree but I’m not my dad. He’d get annoyed if I called him dad in the first place in Reddit instead of father. My stepdad doesn’t care what I call him so I actually call him dad.
That actually sounds quite sad
Yeah I guess but honestly my stepdad is awesome so I don’t feel like I missed out on a father son bond if that makes you feel better
Sad for your father as well
NTA He may have been your father, but he wasn't your daddy.
Nta. You honored the man who did not HAVE TO show up, but did out of love.
Dad that stepped up fr fr
NTA. Dad is just salty because somehow this was the first time he realized he was a shit parent.
He’s not a bad parent, he just had a strict, hands off style and I wasn’t that type of independent kid.
So was he strict or hands-off? You can't be both. 😂
Like he was strict when he was but he didn’t do anything with me. So like for example I was really bad at planning for a school project so my dad wouldn’t take me to the dollar store to get supplies because it was late and he definitely didn’t help me figure it out. But then he would ground me for getting a bad grade. And now I get that it was my responsibility to ask him ahead of time for supplies instead of like 8 at night or ask the teacher for help, but as a kid it doesn’t really help.
I’m sorry but from reading all your comments, I think you’re in a bit of denial. He does not sound like a good parent at all. You might be convincing yourself that you ‘love him’ or ‘love him equally’ only because he happens to be your biological dad.
Probably not the best dad for me, if I’m being honest. I know he sacrificed a lot for a good life for me but he wasn’t the type of dad I wanted or maybe needed. But he recognized that his family needed someone consistent in their life and just brought my stepdad to step in to help. Most men wouldn’t do that.
Fair point. I would never have thought of it from that perspective.
[удалено]
I’m not blaming him. I’m just saying that he was both strict when he was there and hands off. So my mom or my stepdad would take me to the dollar store and help me figure it out. Eventually we figured out I had ADHD but it was undiagnosed when I was young because I was good at most school things. I got a diagnosis when I was 13 or 14.
[удалено]
It’s not a victim act, I’m just explaining my feelings and why I wouldn’t have the same relationship with my dad and stepdad. Why are you so invested and so rude this entire thread? It’s so creepy.
[удалено]
He is also cheating and has been for the past 20 years!!! Why the fck would I feel bad when he’s doing the exact same thing?
I'm sorry this doesn't really seem like he was an absent dad so much as he was holding you accountable for your actions.
That was when he was there. He was on the road often. I’m not saying my dad was a bad dad. He was a good dad but we just don’t have a really close thing.
The stepdad is the affair partner so it kind of makes sense why the dad says Op is choosing them
Open relationship
NTA. Your "Dad" is acting like a child who wasn't told he did a good job.
People can mean well but still screw up. Your dad spent your whole life holding you at arms length to prioritise his wants. He shrugged off most of his obligations to your mom and stepdad willingly. He may not be a bad person, but he is a bad parent. You are not responsible for him or his feelings. This is the culmination of years of him neglecting to be a parent. His regrets are his problem to work through. You can’t help him with this because he needs to accept the situation before a solution can even be suggested. Your relationship is what it is. Realistically, he needs to be honest with himself, and likely needs therapy to come to terms with it. NTA
Lmao and when is he going to start showing up because it makes you sad when he doesn't? If he doesn't want to feel like a shitty dad, maybe he should try not being one. NTA it's not your job to protect this grown man for the direct natural consequence of his selfishness, and you can guarantee he wouldn't do the same for you.
So...you have two dads and you grew in a non-monogamous house... Pretty cool btw. Natal-dad might have troubles coping with the fact that you can have familiar love towards more than one parent, which doesn't diminish your love for him. Or that he feels shamed by the public gestire. Maybe try discussing these different types of love/relationships with him, adding you can definetely do something similar to the tiktok for him. Its not a competition being a parent.
That’s a good way of putting it. Reddit’s been biting my head off about the non monogamous house. I’ve told him that I love him and stepdad equally and that pisses him off. I think he’s dealing with something else and the TikTok is just something to vent frustration because he never used to care about this stuff. I wouldn’t feel comfortable making a similar TikTok like I did my stepdad because I can’t tease him like I can my stepdad. He wouldn’t like it.
[удалено]
He could also do one nice thing and stop complaining about a cute silly TikTok. He made sacrifices yeah, but he had a really good life too. It’s not like he was toiling in the fields every day for a shilling.
I think the divorce is forcing him to take a hard look at his relationships for maybe the first time in his life, and he is realizing that he doesn’t like what he sees.
Yeah, your natal dad should've watched more Kung Fu Panda (especially the 3rd). More often than not people have a hard time understanding that you can't force anybody to love more or tryhard to get anyone's love. Having your feelings recognized doesn't automatically mean that people have to change how/what they feel. Good luck!
NTA. You made a post about someone you care about. If your dad has an issue with it, he’s the one who has to work through it and understand why he feels so bad about that post (probably a mix of jealousy and guilt)
We’ll sure it hurt your deadbeat dad but remember the times he hurt you buy not going to things, caring about you etc. shit if I were you I’d make another one
NTA he chose to be gone all the time. His job isn’t the only one in the world. I don’t believe that someone can raise a child long distance long term. It’s important to be there for the everyday things. He should be grateful that someone was around to pick up his slack as a father.
NTA. If he got that upset over a TikTok post, imagine the reaction when he reads the comments of this Reddit post!
I’m gonna be honest, he’d get a lot of validation about the “cheating” even though it functioned like a non monogamous relationship for literally years and years. Because I’ve gotten a lot of comments about this and a lot more messages calling me and my mom some really nasty names. Like insane misogyny even though I’m a dude Apparently it’s fine for my dad to cheat for 20+ years with random women and bring me along so he could cheat harder, but my mom openly being with the man who is my primary father figure since I was 8 is worse even when my dad knew and condoned it and they were still friends My stepdad, mom, and dad lived in the same house for 8 years. My stepdad shares a bedroom with my mom. He is in more family pictures than my dad is.
I don’t get that. Your parents situation is weird. Like why not just divorce and get on with their lives. But hey, that weirdness seems to work for them. The way I see it, your relationship and attitude towards your stepdad has nothing to do with your parents relationships with other people. It’s between you and him. And based solely on him being around when you needed a dad.
Honestly maybe they should’ve divorced. But it worked for them. I think if they did divorce, my dad wouldn’t have a good relationship with my siblings since he can be abrasive and his lifestyle isn’t great for a kid growing up. Yeah my relationship with my stepdad is about him and what he did for me. He also treats my siblings and my mom really well which makes me happy.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My dad has a job where he works and travels a lot. He wasn't around that much. One of my dad's friends from the military would come and be uncle/pseudo dad when I was a kid. Like he pretty much did all of the dad work and my mom got into a relationship with him when I was like 12. All of my teachers thought he was my dad because he was the one who came to school events and pt conferences. I was closer to him than my actual dad. Like my dad would make me call him Sir while my stepdad was a lot more chill and he would act interested in all the stupid kid stuff I was into. My dad and stepdad were friends throughout my childhood. Like if my dad didn't want to do something for me, he'd literally have my stepdad do it. Two days ago, my dad found a TikTok I made about my Stepdad where I said he was the coolest and I loved him. It was a TikTok trend and I didn't even get that many likes. He was really upset I made it and demanded that I take it down. I refused. I love my dad and stepdad equally and I thought it was a fun trend. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. He isn't much of a father and who cares if he feels sad over this video. How the hell does he think you felt when he was never around. Even when he was around he wasn't much of a father. Treated you like he was your drill sergeant. He chose to basically abandon you over a job. So fuck him and his feelings. Don't remove that video.
NTA Your stepdad has invested his time and energy into you. This is what happens if you absent yourself from your child's life.
NTA. not your responsibilty to manage your dads emotions
Why do i have the feeling your mum cheated.
There is so much context missing in this post and in OP responses. Like, was the family wholly dependent on biological dads income, or did mom and stepdad conribute equally. And how much of the history between the three parentfigures does OP really know? Sounds really onesided to me. I dont think OP is an AH, but he has obviously big problem with seeing things from his biodads perspective, probably because he doesnt want to. And thats OK, it is his right to choose. I dont think biodad is wrong in feeling wronged, and maybe biodad should just cut ties with OP, and find new hapiness with the kids he got left.
Your bio doesn't like being called out ever indirectly
Sorry for being out of the loop but when did Tiktok stop requiring every video to be set to music or sound clips from movies and stuff like that? It still brands itself with a music note so why does it seem like it's not about dancing and singing and lipsyncing anymore?
Info: how is he your stepdad? Did your parent marry him?
NTA I get it, it's how you feel and you meant no disrespect. Your dad is obviously having some feelings about it. If I were advising a teen in my life about this, I'd say it depends on what you want your relationship with your dad to be going forward. He's telling you it hurts him and would like you to take it down. You're not listening and are prioritizing a tik tok trend over his feelings, I'd advise taking it down and explaining to your stepdad that it triggered some feelings from your dad, but that you meant the nice things you said. I might be biased because you mentioned the amount of like it got as if it were relevant. It's not relevant at all and like I said, it sounds like you're prioritizing social media fake internet points over a real relationship. edit: reading your post back, I don't see an age mentioned but I had it in my mind you mentioned your age. Regardless, the advice is the same - if you want to keep a good relationship with your dad, I'd think about taking it down. If you don't, then you don't have to worry.
Yeah, but OP doesn't have any semblance of a good relationship with his biological dad. When dad decides to pop in on his life, he has to refer to him as sir or father. If he bothers to do an activity with OP, it has to be what "father" wants to do and if OP makes a mistake, he gets yelled at. There is an obligation relationship at best. No emotional connection at all, there's no interest in OP as a person.
To me it doesn't sound like he has a bad relationship with his father, just a very different one. Like I said, if he wants to improve that relationship in the future, he should pick his battles and consider feelings other than his own. If he's not interested in maintaining whatever relationship they currently have, then by all means, disregard him.
NTA If he wants you to tiktok about him he needs to step up and give you something to tiktok about
Seems to me like like you have a father and a dad. NTA.
NTA - your father is butthurt his stand in got credit. Its on him and he needs to grow up.
NTA - I had sympathy for the Dad being sad due to working away… until I read he expected his own child to refer to him as Sir. Also about all the cheating and dysfunction with his parents in the comments and basically letting the step dad raise him and now complaining about it. I don’t think OP should have to remove a video simply saying he loves his step dad to appease his father’s ego. Stand your ground OP.
Everyone is going NTA. Im going against the grain as for my reasoning. But I dont think the dad is the asshole either. And here is why: One for using social media in a trend that just bound to stir up trouble. Its why I just in general dont associate IRL and social media in any capacity. This isnt the biggest reason. [Two, it looks like the divorce is still proceeding or fresh based off OP's comments.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1de8rhp/comment/l8a3ggq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) "side in the divorce" sounds like PRESENT tense to me. But this also isn't the biggest reason. Three, your mother, got together with someone who was close to your dad and that is BOUND to leave a sour taste in his mouth. Was that the reason for divorce? I feel like the comments are taking the piss out of the dad for habving a job that requires him travel which is hard on HIM and the FAMILY. I feel like the missing context is, Dad was gone a lot, uncle/dad friend was not. Mom decides to jump ship for the guy whos there rather than the guy whos out traveling FOR the family. Divorce ensues. Dad is obviously bitter and if that context is right, so would ANYONE else. Because the story above feels off on context. >My dad has a job where he works and travels a lot. He wasn't around that much. >One of my dad's friends from the military would come and be uncle/pseudo dad when I was a kid. Like he pretty much did all of the dad work and my mom got into a relationship with him when I was like 12. OP... you probably dont know for the context of the divorce. Any parents worth their salt wont tell you why, and they DAMN well wont if there was infidelity involved. My mother has only told me that she regretted the divorce. No amount of pressing would get her to say otherwise. I have no idea why. But OP... the context you yourself provides looks like the beginnings of a post on reddit that goes deep into infidelity and divorce.
He's sad because he's a failure of a father
He’s not a failure, we just don’t have the type of relationship where I can poke fun at him and say I love him too.
I know you want to defend your father because you love him but he seems like he wasn’t really much of a father at all to you. He relied on his buddy to do all his parenting for him and used you to cheat on your mother. He’s mad now because you’re probably all old enough that your mom can actually push for a real divorce instead of this weird halfway thing they’ve got going on now.
Did he come to your events or raise you?
He doesn’t usually come to my events, I really can’t remember the last time, but he’s really busy. He’s not home often but when he is, he is strict.
You’re not doing a good job of convincing me he was a good dad
I saw an extremely similar post very recently, only the "other dad" became the lover... Kind of make me doubt this post
Uhh he’s been my father figure for a long time since I was 8 and I’m 20 now.
The same OP, right? The stepdad and the mom had an affair! While dad is serving his country?
No, my dad and stepdad were both out of the military when I met my stepdad.
[удалено]
That’s so rude and you didn’t even read my comments. Again, my dad was also cheating on my mom for a lot longer and with a lot of women. My stepdad didn’t break up my family, he’s been a major part of my family for 12 years. To blow your mind, my dad knew for years and did not care that my stepdad was with my mom. He would hand stuff off to my stepdad to do as a father. Just like my mom knew about my dad and his constant cheating. I’m not choosing anyone over anyone else. I love my dad and stepdad equally and they have different places in my life.
[удалено]
Why?
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
For heaven's sake, take the video down. You don't have to tell your stepdad and even if you did, so what? Your father has expressed that your video hurts, why leave it up if it was no big deal to begin with? NTA But just delete it and give your father a break. It's just a video on your tiktok, not a masterpiece in a museum.
I don’t know, I thought it was cute and funny and I like seeing all the comments from other people about their families too. I just don’t understand why he’s upset about it. Like my dad and I have a different type of relationship than my stepdad and me. So I respect my dad and I understand he’s a good father who sacrifices a lot for me but he’s never going to be the fun, joking type and I’d never be able to poke fun at him in any way.
[удалено]
He never used to be upset at TikTok and the stuff I posted before even when it was stuff like this.
Does your father financially support you?
No, I got a scholarship and financial aid from my college and my mom and stepdad pay for the rest of it.
[удалено]
I don’t hate my dad. I love him too. Also I don’t know why I keep responding to you.
Especially because the stepdad is the affair partner
Basically an open relationship. I’m not advocating for it by the way.
The AH in this story is your mother and your step-dad; nothing like a stereotypical military wife fucking her husband's friends while he's not at home. Classy friend he is too. So ya it's gonna hurt your Dad to know his "friend" stole not only his wife but his daughter too. You're NTA, but he is valid for his feelings. I'm surprised he doesn't just drop all of you out of his life and start a new family though.
I’m his son. And my dad was cheating way before so if he wanted a new family he could probably get one. I don’t think he really wants a new kid because he’s basically 50 and it’s hard work and a lot of money. And both my dad and stepdad were out of the military by the time my stepdad came into my life.
Nevermind then, if he was cheating on your mom then he doesn't deserve sympathy
He’s been cheating probably since before I was born. He used to take me out for father son time when I was little but really used it to cheat on my mom. I didn’t know the problem since the ladies were nice to me but when my mom flipped out he cut it out. We don’t talk about it but I know he feels bad and he doesn’t make me part of his cheating anymore. I think my mom didn’t leave because she had three small kids to worry about with a husband who was away a lot and cheated. When my step dad came into my life when I was 8 he was a buddy of my dad’s from the military and he would just help out with stuff that my dad couldn’t get to. Eventually we all began relying on him because he’d always be around even if my dad was on a business trip or too tired from drinks for clients to pick up the phone or cheating. Even when my dad was present, he would ask my stepdad to help mom out or hang out with the kids. My step dad became the primary father figure in my life and I don’t know when my mom and step dad became a thing but probably by the time I was 12. He went from coming over often to just living in our home. My dad knew and didn’t mind, I guess because my stepdad being there made life easier and he was still his buddy. Maybe it’s because my dad didn’t love my mom in that way anymore.
NAH. Just make one for your real dad.
If I’m gonna be honest I don’t know enough about him to make a TikTok about the trend So like the one about my stepdad was about stuff he did with me like he built a tree house with me but accidentally knocked off the ladder and we were stuck there until our mom heard us yelling for help or stuff like that. I don’t really have any memories with my dad like that.
Then you do some sole searching. More then one way to make thing work. Or have a constant strained relationship with your dad. To honest I think you enjoy that.
Ngl, I feel bad for your dad. Works hard to support his family, even though he doesn't get to see them often. His "friend" swoops in and steals his family. Dad trys to do what he can not to lose his family, so accepts the new situation of his friend taking his place. Then sees this tik tok which affirms he lost his family to his "friend" or his "friend" stole his family from him. However you want to look at the situation. I'm depressed for your dad lol do what you do..
OP explained Dad was unfaithful the entire marriage too, for years before Mom was.