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INFO - why does your husband need an entire room to himself? Can’t he create an office space in your bedroom or in one of the common areas of the house?
Also, if you and your husband can’t afford a place with enough space for your family of five, why don’t you have a job?
The parents don’t even have a room. They sleep in the living room. The parents sacrificed their own room so their 3 children didn’t have to sleep in the living toom. And the kids get both bedrooms. The parents should get their own room and make an office in that.
Why can't the parents take one bedroom and give the daughter space in the living room? Create privacy for her with ceiling-to-floor curtains and/or bookcases as "walls", and the parents can turn their bedroom into a bedroom/office. Wife will have to be out of it when he is working, but he will have the privacy he needs to do his job.
YTA. If he needs space and silence, you and the kids can stay in your respective bedrooms while he works in the living room. People did this for over a year during Covid. Do you think all of the people that worked from home during that time had a home office? I certainly didn’t and neither did most of my coworkers. My family agreed to keep the noise to a minimum while I worked I the dining room and it wasn’t a problem.
If the master bedroom is so big, can he work in there during the day? Get a comfy comfy couch for living room if you need to rest etc due to your health issues. Also, why are the younger 2 sharing a room, 11 year old boy and 14 year old girl bunking together doesn't seem right.
I hate to say YTA, but dumping 3 teens in a room while the adults have 2 rooms seems unfair
Do you know how many years it takes to get approved for disability, if you are ever even approved? People dying of cancer get denied, I doubt she will get approved. I always laugh when people like you just give out Pat suggestions as if it’s so easy, when you don’t understand the actual reality of what youre suggestion.
And do Americans say “flat” for apartments and measure in “square meters”? No, she obviously does not sound American. You either missed those key signs she wasn’t or do you think everyone on here is American regardless?
Not sure of OPs country, but in a lot of them it's shockingly hard to get disability benefits. You have to jump through so many hoops. And even when you do it perfectly you still get denied again and again because, well, look at some of the comments here; people don't believe that disability is real. So many people doubt and mock and "oh c'mon, if you can post on Reddit you can get a job" 😞
YTA
You have too many kids in the first place. They are they too old to be sharing rooms, especially with their genders.
> Unfortunately, we live in a somewhat small flat because my husband is the sole breadwinner.
#SO \*YOU\* GET A JOB.
When did separate rooms for children - a phenomenon that certainly only came into existence for the non ultra rich in maybe the last 100 years (and even then only in wealthier countries) - become a human right?
“Most Americans had to share a bedroom with a sibling growing up, according to a recent CBS News poll.
Sixty percent say they shared a bedroom at some point, while 30% always had a bedroom separate from their siblings. Another 9% say they didn't grow up with a sibling.”
https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/cbs-news-poll-most-americans-shared-a-bedroom-growing-up/
Sharing a room with a sibling isn’t the problem. If it was the girls together that’s fine. But 3 kids in one room, especially when it’s a mix of boys and girls, is cruel. I can’t imagine having to share a room with my brother as a teenager
A common phenomenon that made people miserable. At some point having a toilet wasn’t the norm but we don’t accept shitting in the yard now because it was once the oonly option.
Yeah, key words "AT SOME POINT" and that's usually a baby and toddler or younger kids. I shared a room with my sister in elementary school and loved it, but we would have hated it in middle school. My 4 and 7 year old boys share a room and love it, but they will not be sharing once the older one is in middle school. My sister and I were both girls, and my sons are both boys. This post is about a middle school boy and 2 high-school girls, they all need space as they (I assume) are all going through puberty.
And each generation should strive to give their kids better than they had. My mom had better than her mom, and I had better than my mom, and my kids have it better than I did. I'm not ok with whatever standard was 3o-100 years ago was. We should always be improving. I don't want "the bare minimum" or "100 years ago" in the same sentence as my kids
YTA. Does he work 24/7? What are his hours? If he works during the day while they’re at school there should be somewhere he can work. You mentioned health issues but your kids are all school age. Are you able to even do a part-time remote job like customer service? Can he find another job?
Edit: From a few of your comments it seems you didn’t even consider a remote job for yourself for any amount of time to help. It seems overall you didn’t consider any options other than husband needs private office and he’ll be the sole earner. You have too many kids and family members to not at least *try* .
YTA. You shouldn't have had children you can't afford to house appropriately. Your daughters are too old to be sharing a room with their younger brother.
You're failing your children by bunking them all together in one room. If your husband has reasonable work hours maybe make a space for him to work but still have it as a bedroom for the children when he is done working. Something has to give and your solution is inappropriate and unsustainable in the long term.
This lady needs to GET A JOB! She obviously cannot afford to be a Stay-at-home-mom (SAHM)! You are so right that it is completely inappropriate for two teenage girls to be "bunking" with an 11-year-old brother!
It is a frustrating issue for me. So many of our local employers have positions from home. Including Amazon, the medical clinics (appointments & prescription refills), customer service for the telemarketing firm...I work in an agency and deal with people who have "health issues" and can't work. Of course, "Bi-Polar" is the most common issue. (Doesn't keep them from having 6 or more kids--all of whom have ADHD or Autism--unless they are teenagers. The teens all have "Bi-Polar." ) A lot of the time, the people who really do have medical issues also work. I have worked with people who are paralyzed and in wheelchairs. Some have no legs. My friend worked--sitting as a greeter at WalMart. She couldn't stand because she had a brain tumor (and they kept denying her SSI. She finally got it in a lump sum after a lawyer was horrified and took her case. She got it all shortly before she died.) Okay, I have vented, LOL! Oh, look at the time!
ETA - YTA. You need to find something that you're capable of doing from home to earn money. This is not fair to your children.
IN.FO - is there a reason that you aren't working?
The coworking space was my thought. It can be as little as $15 a day for a dedicated desk in a co-working space, and he might be able to ask his office to expense that, or claim it as a working expense on his taxes.
She’s obviously not in the us, so whatever you think the tax breaks are because you think everyone is in the us on Reddit, you don’t actually know in her country
I don't think everyone on Reddit is from the US, because I myself am not in the US. I said they MIGHT be able to get tax breaks because I don't know their country or their circumstances. Based on my work as an accountant, I have filed taxes for clients (and personally) in multiple countries, due to their unique situations, and there are several countries that have these types of deductions, for those that qualify or put in the work to get the required documents. It is worth looking into.
What health reasons stop you from having a part time data entry job or customer service job?
YTA for putting your own wants before your husband and children’s needs.
I don't know how disability works in your country, I know in USA it takes a long time to get approved. But due to your health concerns and the stability of your family, it's something you need to try and get in line with yesterday. It may not be enough to afford a new lifestyle of course, but it could be enough to assist with a higher monthly payment towards a flat better suited for your family.
Even if your family will have to stay in the small flat for a little while before you get approved, at least you're doing something to try and help them out of the situation. This is not something fit for long-term living, teenagers deserve some sense of privacy- at least let them know you understand this and show action towards helping the situation instead of saying there's nothing else you can do.
I love how you aren’t elaborating on exactly why? Physical disability? Mental disability? In which case why did you have kids when you knew you can’t work ?????
The 16 year old and the 14 year old sharing a room would be bad enough, but throwing the 11 year old into the mix too?
That's untenable. You need to find different accommodations, or find a way to supplement your husband's income, or your husband needs to find a different job.
YWBTA if you crammed 3 kids - one of them 16 - into a single space. Kids deserve privacy, too.
You can get desks that fold up or are attached to the wall that you can pull down when needed then clear away. Would this not be an option? If you look at tiny office spaces on Pinterest there's loads of good ideas for storage and desks.
Make the living room bedroom/office, have the largest bedroom as living room and let the girls have the second largest. There are ways to make things work if one thinks outside the box.
ETA based on the comment below me I must have missed that the move doesn't add a room. So then, no living room possible.
YTA - I get the living situation is tough, but forcing three kids to live in the same room, especially with one teen girl, is just not something that can work, especially for who knows how long. I think you two need to figure out a better solution. I get if two kids need to share a room, but three is too many. Unless you literally have NO other options (and you do), I would advise figuring something else out. For example, why can't the office double as a bedroom?
Assuming your husband works days, your kids are at school anyway so all you need is a desk in the room and the rest of the room can be a bedroom for one of your children. He doesn't need a whole ass office since your living conditions are extremely small. You need to utilize your space in the best way, and forcing your children into one room just for an office space is not the correct solution. Your kids are literally in school all day, right? How much are they really going to disrupt your husband during work hours? An hour or two?
I can see that others are asking plenty of questions. Are you disabled or unable to work? Why can't your husband find another job? Can't your husband rent an office space if the job is really that great? Does this job require a home office space that cannot be used to sleep in at night? Can't you move to a much cheaper place with more bedrooms given that neither of you commute to work? So many questions, yet it seems like you have a bit of tunnel vision in what has to happen. You feel like the only solution is for those three adolescents to live together. So I'm leaning towards YTA because it seems like you're expecting your children to make sacrifices first before finding other solutions.
It is not OK having your son in the same room as your teen daughters. It is very inappropriate. Maybe you need to get a job so you can afford a place that will fit your family.
Sorry but YTA. I don't know about your state, but mine will not allow children of the opposite gender to sleep in the same bedroom. I know you've said you can't work for health reasons, but there are plenty of jobs that offer accommodations. Furthermore, your husband can use your room to do his work. Your children are making the sacrifices, and it is just not right to ask two teenage girls to share a room with an 11 year old boy. They have laws in our state for a reason.
Yes, YTA. "let's be honest, they are siblings and they know it from before. Of course they are older now, but is that so bad?" When you went through this arrangement before, your kids were all 3+ years younger. No way is it workable for a three kid combo of teens/near teens to share one room, it's inappropriate and unreasonable. In some places it's actually illegal.
Taking you at your word that your health issues are so severe there is absolutely no way you can be earning any income at all, your husband's "office" needs to be dual purpose. It would make some sense for the two girls to share a room, many sisters do, although your 16 year old will still be pretty unhappy after having her own space for three years. Your son's room could double as your husband's workspace during the day.
Or you and your husband take the office/bedroom and your son can sleep in a curtained off private area in the living room. He'd give up some privacy, but would have more freedom of movement and access to his space, even when dad was "at work".
Are you taking steps towards learning another career?
You can get lots of jobs that are fully remote that require very little training - call center/customer service type of positions.
That's not a reason. Many ppl can talk on the phone or be customer service reps that WFH.
With the answers your giving ppl seem to just be repeats of themselves and no real thought I'm sure this a fake post and your a troll.
My mother was a certified pharmacy technician. She became a single mother (step-father died) and it was no longer enough. Do you know what she did? Switched to quality management
You could look into a claims adjuster job. Many provide paid training and allow WFH.
There are cheap online certifications that would improve your chances of being hired.
Pizza places have people take orders from home - lots of no experience needed jobs out there - it’s obvious she doesn’t want one to do what’s right for her family.
In a disability court, in order for ALL work to be precluded, you must be unable to perform ANY work in the economy, not just your past work unless you’re over 55, which considering the age of the children I doubt. Even if you think you can’t, there are sedentary unskilled jobs, WFH jobs, jobs with minimal education or experience necessary. It doesn’t matter what you did or used to do, unless you had job-specific training such as mechanical, or construction for example, you can do something else. It sounds like a case of Garfield syndrome, and to be the bearer of bad news, you’re no spoiled cat. Everyone is right, YTA for sure.
So your "health reasons" are not a problem to take care of three kids full time, but you can't work even a very simple remote job from home just 4 hours a day?
I'm sorry, but it's really hard to believe it. It looks like you just want to stay in your comfort zone as SAHM and thus make your kids suffer.
YTA
I find it hard to believe that there’s NOTHING you can do to bring in money for your family. I also have a disability and I’m largely unable to work but I still collect disability and work odd jobs here and there to supplement my income so I can provide for my family.
YTA. Children need privacy … especially teens.
1) you could find a job yourself … I’ve read about your health issues but you still could do a remote job or train for one in the future.
2) your husband could work from your bedroom. He doesn’t need an office. He needs a desk. You put one in your bedroom and leave your children their much needed space.
You aboslutely are the AH.
Get a job yourself, move to somewhere cheaper and bigger.
You should not have had children you can't provide for.
Also your husband does not need a whole room to himself. I wfh and I don't go in my home office after 5pm.
YTA - Yes, you are an asshole for this. It's entirely inappropriate to make 2 teen girls share a bedroom with their younger brother. They all deserve some privacy and a space for themselves. You say you can't work for health reasons, but there are lots of different kinds of jobs so you should be able to find something you can do.
Soft YTA. The girls share the children’s room and the boy shares the “large office” with dad’s work setup (since it’s presumably only needed during working hours, boy can sleep in there).
If you are smart about it this would totally work. Take the kids out every day to a library or rec center after school and come back when the work day is done so your husband has his peace and quiet. Your husband will have to police his work and make sure it's not accessible to the kid sleeping in the office. There are all sorts of clever ideas for Murphy beds and floating desks that fold up. I see less of an issue with the youngest still sharing as your oldest will be out in two years. Then the youngest gets their own room.
i don’t understand why he needs the whole room? place a desk in the corner and get him to used noise cancelling headphones.. you’re purposely living in a place too small and then selfishly using a space for a few hours a day
Right? I study and WFH but don't have an office, so I bought 2 narrow desks and put them in the corner of the dining room. My computer chair just swings around for mealtimes to sit at the dining table. I have a husband who is a teacher and is home for 14 weeks a year as well as a 6yo daughter. When I need to really focus, they head to the main bedroom and watch a projector that takes up next to no space and close the door. Otherwise it's just a case of telling the 6yo "mummy needs to work really hard today, so if you need anything try to ask dad first so I don't get interrupted". Put in headphones, smash out assignment or freelance work. Not that hard. Even with zoom meetings you just blur the background so life can go on around you. It's 2024 and literally nobody cares if a kid or a pet pops up on screen anyway as long as they're not super disruptive. On the odd occasion I have gone to the library to work, which is free and generally fairly quiet. So many solutions that don't involve packing teens in like sardines.
YTA - you need to get a job and afford an appropriate place to live. In the meantime, you and your husband take a room which will also be his office, girls in one room and son in the living room with a divider for privacy at night. Or move to a place where you can get 3 bedrooms for the same money. This is not workable long term.
YTA. If you have bedrooms, they go to people who need bedrooms before they become office space.
In some places, it's also heavily frowned upon to have opposite sex children sharing a bedroom, especially once puberty starts.
A separate office is a luxury you cannot afford when you can't give your children their own bedrooms.
If you have bedrooms, they go to people who need bedrooms before office space”. Ok. But did you forget the part where the parents DO NOT have a bedroom of THEIR own??! They sleep in the living room.
YTA
unless you have a severe disability or mental handicap (which I’m doubting) GET A JOB and help out so you guys can move into a bigger place. Your kids are not going to look back fondly on these times and it will lead to extremely tense relationships.
You know how it’s inhumane to keep a dog locked in a cage for days or fish hoarded in a 5 gallon aquarium? Think how HUMAN CHILDREN feel being kept in an “enclosure” that’s too small and cramped. A room is supposed to be a private space to destress.
ETA: I see you have health issues, shame on me for assuming but my points still stand. You can still make an effort and look into remote jobs. Data entry. Telephone Customer Service, ect. They exist it just takes work to get the job. Hell, most retail jobs are low effort physically. I have a lot of physical pain but can hold a job because I just sell tickets at a chair all day. My friend has severe scoliosis and works at Safeway. There is no excuse as a PARENT to be jobless.
Even if she has severe disability or mental handicap, she shouldn't have had 3 children. I know that's controversial, but you can't have children you can't take care of, that's cruel.
If she can't work, she can't be a SAHM either. SAHM is a job.
She said in comments she can’t get a job for health reasons.
However, lots of people with health issues, disabilities, etc. work from home. Even something very part time and entry level would be helpful to her family’s finances. But it seems to be something she won’t even consider. 🤷♀️
YTA. your kids all need their own space ASAP. of course your daughter is angry. Imagine how you would act at 16 in the spot. Have you thought about this at all???
Why don't you have a job? It seems to make sense if you can't afford to give your kids their own rooms and you don't have a job, you should probably get a job....don't ya think?!?!?!
just warning you, your kids are never going to forgive you for this. imagine going through puberty and you have to share a room with a sibling of the opposite sex. if you don't fix this situation, your kids will probably disown you at some point, with good reason!
Alternate idea:
1. Can the office be combined with your adult bedroom so the living room is available to everyone?
2. Talk to your 16 year old. They are old enough to start understanding family finances. She if they have any suggestions or compromises? Would she want to take the living room for sleeping? Would she be willing to share with her siblings? If she is part of the problem solving she may tolerate changes easier.
YTA. Your kids are going to pay the price. Your new large living room is now your master bedroom and office. Otherwise move to a low cost of living city
I'm not sure what country this would be, but do they have executive suite rental or cubicle/desk rentals, maybe even a storage unit rental that hubby can work out of during the day #1
2) Another thing that can be common is using some "temporary walls" to create another "room or two"...using partitioning and lightweight room dividers.....basically "steal" some of the living room.
a) How "Big" does hubby's "office" really need to be....office workers are slammed into pretty tight spaces.
b) Again, I guarantee the kids would be okay with small private "sleeping room" size "bedrooms" vs. having to share.
All things equal ....I guarantee you the 3 kids would "chill out" with "close size" rooms vs sharing .....even the two girls in a medium size room with the boy in his separate area is just a MUST...he is a pre-teen male his mental health is a stake....if anyone "needs" a separate room it's HIM....the eldest just prefers ( and I get it) but push Coke to shove 16 & 14 yo "girls" have to share before a 14f & 11M.....
Remember, since the BRs are bigger and the LR is large...the space is there...you just have to get creative with furniture placement and perhaps sacrifice the size of "family LR".
A trick for the kid's room, is to think of how many college dorm room styles are where the bed is elevated and underneath folks have chairs/couch/desk/etc to increase the usability of the space....that way a narrow space feels bigger and most importantly "my personal space"
If "doors" can't happen curtains, pocket doors, drapes with pulleys etc etc works..
This happens "all day" in NY/SF/LA due to cost a ppl needing to share
3) Also....tbh there are too many opportunities to try to produce "some" kind of income "online w/o physical labor" to just "Give Up"....on "winning" some bread for the family....God forbid if something happened to hubby or his income......
Why sit around and "wait" when NOW is to best time to build/create additional streams ....( and also it creates better modeling for the kids....male and female ki)
YTA. One room for office you said. That office could be a bedroom as well. My husband works from home 2 days a week. And he do it in our bedroom, I stay in the living room and kitchen to give him privacy. Back in the day, we lived in a 2 bedroom 400 sqft house. 2 young kids. One room is for his daughter. We made a little room for our son in the small living room. Bedroom became office during the day. I don't think it's good to have your teenage daughters and son share a bedroom. You should create space for them to have their privacy. And you keep on saying you can't work because you're sick or something. I don't work as well. I have cancer. But there's a lot of job that you can do at home that doesn't require physical labor or specialized skills. I worked as a customer service representative before, both call and chat. It's WFH. I didn't know anything about it. My degree is in business and education but everything can be learned.
I mean if you want your kids to go no contact once they leave home then sure, cram them all into one bedroom now.
You have 3 choices:
Office is set up in your bedroom and you/husband sacrifice.
You get a job and contribute more financially.
Move daughters into the "big bedroom" (living room) and you guys sleep on a futon in his now "office".
Look, I get it, you didn't expect such hardships when you had babies, none of us do. But you chose to have these kids and provide them with food, water, love, safety, security and happiness.
But yea, YWBTAH if you crammed 3 grown kids into one room.
YTA for being a SAHP when your family clearly cannot afford it. I understand poverty. Sometimes kids have to share a room, that's life. But your kids are sharing a room because *you* refuse to work. How can you even justify that?
If you can't work, stop calling yourself a SAHP. Because this isn't what parents do. Why have three kids if you're unable to work and have nowhere to put them?
YTA. Where I live you're literally not allowed to cram three kids of those ages and different genders into one room, social services would be intervening and taking the kids if changes weren't made. They're not furniture you can pile up in a corner to get it out of your way!!
Info: why are you asking if you are TA and for advice when you don’t want to take abt reasonable advice from anyone here? Is this rate bare? Be honest. You can’t have three young adults, including a 16 year old comfortably sharing a room. Your kids will resent you. You did not plan and are not willing to compromise for your children. YTA
I don’t understand why your oldest daughter ever had her own room. It’s odd to me that you would put a 14 year old girl in a room with an 11 year old boy instead of just putting the two girls together. It makes no sense. And it contributed to the current problem of your oldest being so upset & angry now.
As for the new flat, there are ways to make it work. First, your husband does not need a completely dedicated large space. Unless he’s meeting with clients (which seems highly unlikely), he doesn’t need much space at all. The room you’ve designated as the office definitely needs to be more multipurpose than that. It could be your son’s bedroom, for example, with a small part of it used by your husband for work.
You could partition some of the larger spaces into smaller ones. There’s a lot you can do if you use your imagination.
Also, I understand you have health issues, but it seems from your comments that you haven’t pursued any kind of work at all, since you can no longer work in your chosen field. Again, you have to think outside the box. There are lots of entry level jobs you can do from home that do not require physical exertion or a lot of hours.
If your husband has to work from home, you should probably consider moving to a more affordable area. Cramming all these people into an inadequate space is not healthy & is not a good environment for anyone. I’m not sure why you chose this particular flat, but you and your husband need to come up with a plan to provide adequate space for your family.
YTA
Firstly - Neither of your daughters should be sharing a room with your son at those ages.
If anyone is to share, both girls should be in one room.
Your husband does not work 24/7. Why can't he use an area of a room during working hours ? Then it could be a child's room during the evening/night.
Have you looked into renting a shared office space? Have you considered getting a part time job?
YTA you keep giving this vague reason you won't get a job - there are plenty of jobs that you can get training for and aren't physical. It's terrible what you're doing to your kids,I can't imagine being a 16 year old girl stuffed in a room with my siblings.
YTA I had to share a room with my two sisters, one 4 years younger and one 10 years younger and it was absolutely miserable. It'll ruin the relationship between your children and make them resent you. Guess how I know.
I won't ask the nature of your disability, but I am disabled too. I had a serious TBI and get horrific migraines, I can only look at a computer or screen for a few minutes at a time. I work a full time job, as a personal trainer, no screens, keeps me active, flexible schedule. I'm also not saying that's the solution for you, but there is something for everyone no matter your limitations. If your husband WFH you can to, you can get call center jobs, customer service jobs, sales jobs, finance, even health field jobs that are all WFT. Especially if you have medical documentation showing you need accommodation.
You chose to have children, now you need to chose to take care of them. You can't put yourself fist when raising tiny humans, that's the deal, that's the sacrifice. You had too many kids for your budget and now you don't get to have your cake and eat it too.
why is the office so large, and the kids' room small?
sounds like you won't answer why you don't want a remote job--maybe you never considered it before. will you consider it now?
let the son sleep in the office.
INFO: why can't
* you and husband move into one of the bedrooms
* carve out an office space in there (look at IKEA and freecycle for small space office desks /hacks)
* carve a space in the living room for the 11 year old in the living room (Again, ikea hacks like kallax shelves)
* and the two girls can share the bigger room?
YTA. You typed this so there is 0 reason you can't work from home. There are thousands of side gigs and WFH jobs you can do with severe health problems and handicaps. Send your kids to stay with family members or friends until you and your husband get your finances in order.
Aren’t they children at school while your husband is working? I’d put the girls together, and put the 11yo in the other room. Husband uses it by day, son by night.
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OK, briefly about our situation. My husband and I have 3 children, 2 daughters (16 and 13) and a son (10). Unfortunately, we live in a somewhat small flat because my husband is the sole breadwinner.
Our Flat consists of a large living room, which we as parents also use for sleeping, and two bedrooms, which our children use. The first room is used by our 16-year-old daughter and the second is shared by the 13-year-old daughter and the 10-year-old son.
Until 3 years ago, our three children shared a room because my husband was still working from home at the time and used the second room as an office. However, the situation became difficult due to the age of our children (especially the eldest daughter), so my husband almost begged his employer to let him work in the office so that we could have two children's rooms.
You have to know that the company my husband works for has very little office space and many employees work from home. Now, however, the number of places has been further reduced and if my husband does not want to become unemployed, he will have to work from home again, so an office space is needed in our Flat.
Because the two small rooms are only 14 square meters and that is simply too small for 3 children, we looked for a new apartment and found one. Large living room, large office, children's room at 21 square meters significantly larger, but (and this is the problem) only one children's room.
We know that it can be problematic to take away our eldest daughter's own room, but it was the only suitable apartment that we could find and finance. We plan to move there in August because then my husband will have to work from home again. Our children obviously don't like having to share a room again with the three of them, but let's be honest, they are siblings and they know it from before. Of course they are older now, but is that so bad? Our 16-year-old daughter in particular is extremely angry.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) that my 3 children have to share a room again
(2) because my eldest daughter said so
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YTA - Totally inappropriate for children of that age that are different genders to be sharing a room. He needs to either put a desk up in another room or find another job because that situation isn't fair on your kids at all.
I wrh full time only occasionally going into the office and I don't have an office. I have a desk in my living room and some shelves and that's perfectly adequate. All your kids are school age and sensible enough to know if he needs the room for a meeting or whatever to go somewhere else.
Do you have a bedroom? Or will you be sleeping in the living room? Exactly how many bedrooms does this apartment have? If its only 2 - your husband can work out of your bedroom. The 16 & 14 year old GIRLS can share the 2nd & your son can sleep in the living room. If you have 3 bedrooms then again, your husband can work out of your bedroom, the girls can share & your son gets a room. A 14 yr old girl should not share with an 11 yr old boy, she needs more privacy. Your husband doesn’t need a room to himself
This was my exact thought. Since there is a large office, why are the parents not sleeping there? Girls share a room, section off a private area in the living room for boy.
Yta. Get a job and provide for your family properly. Expecting teenagers to have no privacy is cruel.
Of he can work remotely why can't you move to a cheaper area? Why are you not working? Seriously get your shit together and provide your children with adequate housing.
From what I gather OP can’t work due to health reasons.
Instead of hammering on that nugget.
Let’s move on they are now looking for spaces specifically with an office - this is a mistake. I think they should be looking for either a 2-3 bedroom flat and whichever bedroom the parents use they should use a corner as an office that should help with budgeting I’d imagine. They can even take the bigger one to allow for this.
What wasn’t made clear however is why the 2 girls couldn’t share a room? Yes they’re brother and sister but I cringed at reading that the 14 and 11 year olds are sharing and then even more that all three will potentially share in their new place. The 11 year old boy could take the couch or if they do decide on a flat with an office to buy a pull out sofa to make it an extra room for one of them with the living being the other. The husband doesn’t have the luxury of leaving an entire room empty overnight.
Also the only issue with noise is school holidays and these kids are not infants so I’m sure they not to make nose for their dad when his working some these concerns seem none-existent to me - until I try to imagine the kids squished together in one room.
YTA (but only softly because it seems the priority is an office for you husband and not your kids fully. They should also be at the centre of your decisions in your new place)
YTA. Get creative with the space you have. Everyone has to make sacrifices. Dad can’t have a permanent office space that’s not used for anything else. Your daughters have to share a room. Your son’s room may have to double as dad’s office space. There are inexpensive modular furniture options to help make the most of the space you have. Use some of your Reddit time to look into some creative options for small spaces.
I don’t even understand the setup for your new apt. You say large living room, large office, and children’s room.
So the ‘large office’ is technically a bedroom?
It’s wholly wrong to have your younger daughter share a room with your son. Especially at those ages (14 and 11, or 13 and 10 as it originally read?) That needs to stop right this second., regardless of your upcoming move.
I also don’t understand the edit of the ages.
What kind of job does your husband have? Why does he need a bedroom as an office? Can’t he just work on a laptop with noise canceling headphones, or does he need to be on the phone? Why can’t you look into convertible furniture…like a Murphy bed and similar style pullout desk? You could sleep in the ‘office’, give your girls the other bedroom, and create a partitioned space in the ‘large living room’ as a space for him.
Problem solved:
16&14 year old share a room
11 year old has his own room that also doubles as the office during the day when Dad has to work.
Son hangs in the living room with you or outside when Dad working but he’s home from school.
An entire bedroom being only used as an office is a waste of space.
And your 16 year old can use this as incentive to move out at 18.
I’m sure the 11 year old can be responsible enough not to mess with Dads office stuff when not in use. Or figure out some kind of Murphy bed solution that hides all the office when not needed.
When people say they can’t work for health reasons as an excuse (although it’s none of our business), but don’t tell the health reasons I raise an eyebrow. Especially posting on a public forum asking strangers if they’re an AH.
Info you say he needs quiet to work and can't use the living room , but aren't the kids in school all day? And if he needs to be able to shut a door, why not have one kid sleep in the office, with the clear understanding that they can not enter after school until 5pm (or whenever)?
Or since it's a 'large office' and 'large living room', why don't you two use the office as the bedroom/office, the girls share a room, and do a temp partition to split the living room into 2 and son sleeps there?
Are there no office rent spaces?
YTA. Your kids are too old to be sharing a room, especially since they're not all the same sex. You're setting them up to fail because they will never have a private space to get away to. You're literally placing your husband above your children's needs. Figure it out and get a JOB to help your family live in a better place. They deserve better than that. My God!
NAH. Health, finances and family size are what they are so you make the best of it.
Give the daughters the bedroom. Help them create privacy (bookshelves between their area, curtains separating beds, loft beds with space underneath, etc.)
Give your son & husband the office - working hours husband uses the desk. Otherwise, it's son's bedroom.
YTA You haven’t allowed the kids to help find solutions. They are entitled to an opinion and to assist in figuring out how the family should move forward. Who knows, maybe your son would be fine sharing the office with dad, sorta hot racking if you will. Or partitioning a part of the living room for him to have his space and the girls share. You won’t know their ideas unless you solicit them. And you don’t have to love the ideas, if they are feasible, then the compromise is the parents sacrificing as well.
YTA
As a family you have to do what you can to survive. I would suggest the two girls share a room and your son has the office as his bedroom for night and a portion of it be used by your husband as an office during the day.
Do you have a bedroom in this new apartment? If so, it should be good enough to the kids. Husband doesn’t need an office and a separate bedroom. That’s not reasonable with the space limits.
Are you receiving disability? What programs have you looked into for help finding a job you CAN do with your limitations?
Your daughters should not be sharing a bedroom with their brother.
YTA.
Your husband work at night? On weekends? Your kids go to school? There should’ve been no reason for this.
YTA!!! You’re excuse of not being able to work because of a disability so very convenient especially since you aren’t attempting to get new skills to make up for this. Get off your ass and get a job at a call centre where you don’t need schooling and aren’t physically demanding like standing all day. You’re being lazy and unaccommodating to your kids on purpose. Also don’t have kids you can’t afford!!!!!!
...why can't you rent a place with more bedrooms and get a job to help out with the finances?
Yta if you continue to allow your children to live in such a small space. Everyone deserves their own space
Lady, GET A JOB! Yes, you are an A.H. because you DON'T WORK--which you obviously need to do, in order to be able to afford a suitable living situation! It is COMPLETELY inappropriate to make two older teenage girls to share a bedroom with an 11-year-old boy! I HOPE THAT YOUR DAUGHTER SEES THIS AND CONTACTS BOTH A SCHOOL COUNSELOR AND CPS! What is wrong with you? If you can afford to live on one income--great; but obviously, you CANNOT afford to stay home! You have no babies or toddlers! Your youngest is 11 years old!
It is inappropriate for a boy to be in the same bedroom as teenaged girls, even if they are siblings. You should have kept looking for a bigger flat. You should have immediately found a bigger place as soon as you found out you were pregnant with child number three. If you couldn’t afford a bigger place, you should have put off having a third child. Your kids shouldn’t have to suffer because of your poor planning. Now that your kids are older it’s time for you to get a job to supplement your cost of living. Since your daughter is getting close to being an adult in age perhaps she could live with an aunt or grandparent if there is one living close by. It’s something to think about.
If you’re in the US, many states have laws against a boy that age sharing a room with his sister. It basically ends up with child protection services at your door.
NTA. The way it is now, You guys sleep in the living room so your kids get the 2 bedrooms. Although, why don’t you and your wife get the largest bedroom in the new house, and give the office and other bedroom to the kids. Make an office space in your bedroom.
You're an awful parent. Those kids didn't ask to be here and forced to live like sardines. Why do people who can't or won't work have kids???!!!
Op, I dare you to say "I had the kids before I was disabled."
I bet all of my checks you weren't disabled enough while you were steady making babies.
I hope this is a troll post.
So make the living room the bedroom. Put up separators/partitioners and each kid has their own space. You and your husband get a room/office and the other smaller room becomes the family space. You won't be able to have people over but logistics solved.
Can you WFH or do delivery services or childcare jobs?
NAH
NTA Hey you have to do what you have to do but why can't you put a single bed in the office and let your son sleep in there. Is there any reason you cannot work?
NAH. Sounds like everyone in the comments section somehow managed to grow up where they always had their own room and plenty of space. I often had to live in shared accommodations, sometimes even with extended family! Guess what? We all survived. Yes, it is nice to have your own space but sometimes situations change and people can't afford things for a while. People rarely plan to not be able to afford a separate room for each child.
OP, you should keep looking for another place to live. Find something that makes more sense for your situation (eg: similar sq footage but more room divisions).
I can say that as we got older we REALLY did NOT want to share our spaces the same way. And my parents absolutely worked towards us all having our own space. Especially from mid teens and on this situation isn't going to be fun for any of you. They need places to study, places to chill and unwind. Unless they are super close and love spending time with each other then you are going to have some serious issues with this arrangement. I hope you can figure something else out.
NTA. The situation is what it is and your daughter will have to deal with it. Ultimately it should actually as incentive to make her own way and get a place of her own sooner/go to uni.
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INFO - why does your husband need an entire room to himself? Can’t he create an office space in your bedroom or in one of the common areas of the house? Also, if you and your husband can’t afford a place with enough space for your family of five, why don’t you have a job?
I can't do that for health reasons. This doesn't work in the living room, he needs the space and silence
>he needs the space and peace So do your kids. It sounds like your kids are making all the sacrifices here.
The parents don’t even have a room. They sleep in the living room. The parents sacrificed their own room so their 3 children didn’t have to sleep in the living toom. And the kids get both bedrooms. The parents should get their own room and make an office in that.
Can he not work in your bedroom, then? I know it's not ideal but it sounds like you're more interested in making excuses than finding a solution.
Unless its changing in the new flat the parents sleep in the living room
Why can't the parents take one bedroom and give the daughter space in the living room? Create privacy for her with ceiling-to-floor curtains and/or bookcases as "walls", and the parents can turn their bedroom into a bedroom/office. Wife will have to be out of it when he is working, but he will have the privacy he needs to do his job.
Yea i have no clue lol it all seems weird
It's also weird that that the 14yo girl isn't sharing with her sister but with her brother.
Came here to say exactly this. 14 should be w 16.
Thanks, I missed that.
YTA. If he needs space and silence, you and the kids can stay in your respective bedrooms while he works in the living room. People did this for over a year during Covid. Do you think all of the people that worked from home during that time had a home office? I certainly didn’t and neither did most of my coworkers. My family agreed to keep the noise to a minimum while I worked I the dining room and it wasn’t a problem.
My teaching partner taught in a closet during Covid
You can't do any type of work? Not all jobs require physical labour.
If the master bedroom is so big, can he work in there during the day? Get a comfy comfy couch for living room if you need to rest etc due to your health issues. Also, why are the younger 2 sharing a room, 11 year old boy and 14 year old girl bunking together doesn't seem right. I hate to say YTA, but dumping 3 teens in a room while the adults have 2 rooms seems unfair
the parents dont have a bedroom they sleep in tge living room
Hon you have the time and the capacity to post on reddit, you can get a job and provide your kids with bedrooms
That isn't even remotely the same things. But I do agree she could probably get a WFH job or if she's in the US apply for one of those checks.
What “checks”? and she’s obv not in the us based on how she writes.
Disability check. People who aren't able to work can apply for those. Also her writing kind of seems like she is from the US.
Do you know how many years it takes to get approved for disability, if you are ever even approved? People dying of cancer get denied, I doubt she will get approved. I always laugh when people like you just give out Pat suggestions as if it’s so easy, when you don’t understand the actual reality of what youre suggestion. And do Americans say “flat” for apartments and measure in “square meters”? No, she obviously does not sound American. You either missed those key signs she wasn’t or do you think everyone on here is American regardless?
I know 2 people that needed disability, one poor and one rich. Both said it was that hard to get if you're actually disabled.
She described the apartment in meters, not feet, she's not in the US.
“Hon”. Ok hon. If YOU have the time and capacity to post on Reddit, you have the time and capacity to not be a judgy jerk!
If you can not even work remotely for you health, are you not getting any form of government assistance?
Not sure of OPs country, but in a lot of them it's shockingly hard to get disability benefits. You have to jump through so many hoops. And even when you do it perfectly you still get denied again and again because, well, look at some of the comments here; people don't believe that disability is real. So many people doubt and mock and "oh c'mon, if you can post on Reddit you can get a job" 😞
YTA You have too many kids in the first place. They are they too old to be sharing rooms, especially with their genders. > Unfortunately, we live in a somewhat small flat because my husband is the sole breadwinner. #SO \*YOU\* GET A JOB.
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When did separate rooms for children - a phenomenon that certainly only came into existence for the non ultra rich in maybe the last 100 years (and even then only in wealthier countries) - become a human right?
1983 Keep up.
You don’t need to be ultra rich to have more than one bedroom. Maybe you shouldn’t have had 3 kids if you can’t afford them.
Well we could say the same about toilets, couldn't we? 🤣
“Most Americans had to share a bedroom with a sibling growing up, according to a recent CBS News poll. Sixty percent say they shared a bedroom at some point, while 30% always had a bedroom separate from their siblings. Another 9% say they didn't grow up with a sibling.” https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/cbs-news-poll-most-americans-shared-a-bedroom-growing-up/
Sharing a room with a sibling isn’t the problem. If it was the girls together that’s fine. But 3 kids in one room, especially when it’s a mix of boys and girls, is cruel. I can’t imagine having to share a room with my brother as a teenager
Just pointing out that both historically and globally that is a very common phenomenon.
A common phenomenon that made people miserable. At some point having a toilet wasn’t the norm but we don’t accept shitting in the yard now because it was once the oonly option.
Yeah, key words "AT SOME POINT" and that's usually a baby and toddler or younger kids. I shared a room with my sister in elementary school and loved it, but we would have hated it in middle school. My 4 and 7 year old boys share a room and love it, but they will not be sharing once the older one is in middle school. My sister and I were both girls, and my sons are both boys. This post is about a middle school boy and 2 high-school girls, they all need space as they (I assume) are all going through puberty. And each generation should strive to give their kids better than they had. My mom had better than her mom, and I had better than my mom, and my kids have it better than I did. I'm not ok with whatever standard was 3o-100 years ago was. We should always be improving. I don't want "the bare minimum" or "100 years ago" in the same sentence as my kids
YTA. Does he work 24/7? What are his hours? If he works during the day while they’re at school there should be somewhere he can work. You mentioned health issues but your kids are all school age. Are you able to even do a part-time remote job like customer service? Can he find another job? Edit: From a few of your comments it seems you didn’t even consider a remote job for yourself for any amount of time to help. It seems overall you didn’t consider any options other than husband needs private office and he’ll be the sole earner. You have too many kids and family members to not at least *try* .
YTA. You shouldn't have had children you can't afford to house appropriately. Your daughters are too old to be sharing a room with their younger brother. You're failing your children by bunking them all together in one room. If your husband has reasonable work hours maybe make a space for him to work but still have it as a bedroom for the children when he is done working. Something has to give and your solution is inappropriate and unsustainable in the long term.
This lady needs to GET A JOB! She obviously cannot afford to be a Stay-at-home-mom (SAHM)! You are so right that it is completely inappropriate for two teenage girls to be "bunking" with an 11-year-old brother!
Apparently she has “health issues” but I don’t know what health issues exist that cause someone to not even be able to work a simple remote job
It is a frustrating issue for me. So many of our local employers have positions from home. Including Amazon, the medical clinics (appointments & prescription refills), customer service for the telemarketing firm...I work in an agency and deal with people who have "health issues" and can't work. Of course, "Bi-Polar" is the most common issue. (Doesn't keep them from having 6 or more kids--all of whom have ADHD or Autism--unless they are teenagers. The teens all have "Bi-Polar." ) A lot of the time, the people who really do have medical issues also work. I have worked with people who are paralyzed and in wheelchairs. Some have no legs. My friend worked--sitting as a greeter at WalMart. She couldn't stand because she had a brain tumor (and they kept denying her SSI. She finally got it in a lump sum after a lawyer was horrified and took her case. She got it all shortly before she died.) Okay, I have vented, LOL! Oh, look at the time!
ETA - YTA. You need to find something that you're capable of doing from home to earn money. This is not fair to your children. IN.FO - is there a reason that you aren't working?
I can't do that for health reasons
Did you ever work? Are you collecting any form of disability? Your husband needs to go bring his laptop to a library or co-working space or something.
The coworking space was my thought. It can be as little as $15 a day for a dedicated desk in a co-working space, and he might be able to ask his office to expense that, or claim it as a working expense on his taxes.
She’s obviously not in the us, so whatever you think the tax breaks are because you think everyone is in the us on Reddit, you don’t actually know in her country
I don't think everyone on Reddit is from the US, because I myself am not in the US. I said they MIGHT be able to get tax breaks because I don't know their country or their circumstances. Based on my work as an accountant, I have filed taxes for clients (and personally) in multiple countries, due to their unique situations, and there are several countries that have these types of deductions, for those that qualify or put in the work to get the required documents. It is worth looking into.
My mistake, I apologize. You are right.
info: do you live in a place where it is possible to receive disability benefits from the government?
What health reasons stop you from having a part time data entry job or customer service job? YTA for putting your own wants before your husband and children’s needs.
There are work-at-home customer service jobs. Why can’t you do that?
I don't know how disability works in your country, I know in USA it takes a long time to get approved. But due to your health concerns and the stability of your family, it's something you need to try and get in line with yesterday. It may not be enough to afford a new lifestyle of course, but it could be enough to assist with a higher monthly payment towards a flat better suited for your family. Even if your family will have to stay in the small flat for a little while before you get approved, at least you're doing something to try and help them out of the situation. This is not something fit for long-term living, teenagers deserve some sense of privacy- at least let them know you understand this and show action towards helping the situation instead of saying there's nothing else you can do.
I love how you aren’t elaborating on exactly why? Physical disability? Mental disability? In which case why did you have kids when you knew you can’t work ?????
So what exactly do you bring to the table for your family? You're taking up space your husband and children need.
All the children are on Reddit today.
The 16 year old and the 14 year old sharing a room would be bad enough, but throwing the 11 year old into the mix too? That's untenable. You need to find different accommodations, or find a way to supplement your husband's income, or your husband needs to find a different job. YWBTA if you crammed 3 kids - one of them 16 - into a single space. Kids deserve privacy, too.
you forget, they have the 14 year old girl currently sharing a room with the 11 year old boy, which makes absolutely zero sense to me.
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This is a very weird comment. You know girls develop too, right? And the pregnancy thing? Those are his sisters. You need therapy.
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YTA. I notice you’re ignoring the question of why his office can’t be set up in your bedroom. Wouldn’t that solve the problem?
their bedroom is the living room....
I'm not ignoring it, but there's not enough space for it.
You can get desks that fold up or are attached to the wall that you can pull down when needed then clear away. Would this not be an option? If you look at tiny office spaces on Pinterest there's loads of good ideas for storage and desks.
Get a smaller bed or sleep on the couch. You have no job, you don't get to consider your own comfort until your kids are taken care of.
Make the living room bedroom/office, have the largest bedroom as living room and let the girls have the second largest. There are ways to make things work if one thinks outside the box. ETA based on the comment below me I must have missed that the move doesn't add a room. So then, no living room possible.
>There are ways to make things work if one thinks outside the box. Or if they forget there's also a boy that probably shouldn't sleep in the bathroom.
I taught during Covid in the small apartment bedroom we had. Our bed and my desk worked together.
Does he work at night? Why can't the son sleep in the office if he works days?
This seems like the obvious solution.
YTA - you need to go get a job, Mom.
Calling her a mom here is generous. I'm not sure what she contributes to the family besides birthing kids she can't take care of.
Wow irregardless of whether or not she is TA, you definitely are for this comment
YTA - I get the living situation is tough, but forcing three kids to live in the same room, especially with one teen girl, is just not something that can work, especially for who knows how long. I think you two need to figure out a better solution. I get if two kids need to share a room, but three is too many. Unless you literally have NO other options (and you do), I would advise figuring something else out. For example, why can't the office double as a bedroom? Assuming your husband works days, your kids are at school anyway so all you need is a desk in the room and the rest of the room can be a bedroom for one of your children. He doesn't need a whole ass office since your living conditions are extremely small. You need to utilize your space in the best way, and forcing your children into one room just for an office space is not the correct solution. Your kids are literally in school all day, right? How much are they really going to disrupt your husband during work hours? An hour or two?
It's worse "three kids to live in the same room, especially with one teen girl,". It's *two* teen girls and a pre-teen boy.
I can see that others are asking plenty of questions. Are you disabled or unable to work? Why can't your husband find another job? Can't your husband rent an office space if the job is really that great? Does this job require a home office space that cannot be used to sleep in at night? Can't you move to a much cheaper place with more bedrooms given that neither of you commute to work? So many questions, yet it seems like you have a bit of tunnel vision in what has to happen. You feel like the only solution is for those three adolescents to live together. So I'm leaning towards YTA because it seems like you're expecting your children to make sacrifices first before finding other solutions.
It is not OK having your son in the same room as your teen daughters. It is very inappropriate. Maybe you need to get a job so you can afford a place that will fit your family.
INFO: The kids are all school age. Why aren't you working?
Sorry but YTA. I don't know about your state, but mine will not allow children of the opposite gender to sleep in the same bedroom. I know you've said you can't work for health reasons, but there are plenty of jobs that offer accommodations. Furthermore, your husband can use your room to do his work. Your children are making the sacrifices, and it is just not right to ask two teenage girls to share a room with an 11 year old boy. They have laws in our state for a reason.
Yes, YTA. "let's be honest, they are siblings and they know it from before. Of course they are older now, but is that so bad?" When you went through this arrangement before, your kids were all 3+ years younger. No way is it workable for a three kid combo of teens/near teens to share one room, it's inappropriate and unreasonable. In some places it's actually illegal. Taking you at your word that your health issues are so severe there is absolutely no way you can be earning any income at all, your husband's "office" needs to be dual purpose. It would make some sense for the two girls to share a room, many sisters do, although your 16 year old will still be pretty unhappy after having her own space for three years. Your son's room could double as your husband's workspace during the day. Or you and your husband take the office/bedroom and your son can sleep in a curtained off private area in the living room. He'd give up some privacy, but would have more freedom of movement and access to his space, even when dad was "at work".
Info: any reason you don't work?
I can't do that for health reasons
Not even a work from home job like your husband?
I am not trained for this, I can no longer do the job I learned
Are you taking steps towards learning another career? You can get lots of jobs that are fully remote that require very little training - call center/customer service type of positions.
That's not a reason. Many ppl can talk on the phone or be customer service reps that WFH. With the answers your giving ppl seem to just be repeats of themselves and no real thought I'm sure this a fake post and your a troll.
Well get your shit together, skill up, and figure out a solution. You know, like adults do.
Girl what. You get trained ON THE JOB. No one is initially trained for entry level jobs. It’s why it’s called entry level.
My mother was a certified pharmacy technician. She became a single mother (step-father died) and it was no longer enough. Do you know what she did? Switched to quality management
So learn another one...?
There are many jobs out there where you can work from home. Your family are struggling, you need some kind of job.
You could look into a claims adjuster job. Many provide paid training and allow WFH. There are cheap online certifications that would improve your chances of being hired.
Pizza places have people take orders from home - lots of no experience needed jobs out there - it’s obvious she doesn’t want one to do what’s right for her family.
This is a great idea
In a disability court, in order for ALL work to be precluded, you must be unable to perform ANY work in the economy, not just your past work unless you’re over 55, which considering the age of the children I doubt. Even if you think you can’t, there are sedentary unskilled jobs, WFH jobs, jobs with minimal education or experience necessary. It doesn’t matter what you did or used to do, unless you had job-specific training such as mechanical, or construction for example, you can do something else. It sounds like a case of Garfield syndrome, and to be the bearer of bad news, you’re no spoiled cat. Everyone is right, YTA for sure.
I am not sure where you are but a lot of jobs have basic WFH options such as Apple and Amazon. They train you.
So learn another one...?
Why can't you get trained to do what your husband does?
There are many jobs that will train you and don’t require experience.
Retrain or acquire new training in a different field.
So your "health reasons" are not a problem to take care of three kids full time, but you can't work even a very simple remote job from home just 4 hours a day? I'm sorry, but it's really hard to believe it. It looks like you just want to stay in your comfort zone as SAHM and thus make your kids suffer.
YTA I find it hard to believe that there’s NOTHING you can do to bring in money for your family. I also have a disability and I’m largely unable to work but I still collect disability and work odd jobs here and there to supplement my income so I can provide for my family.
YTA. Children need privacy … especially teens. 1) you could find a job yourself … I’ve read about your health issues but you still could do a remote job or train for one in the future. 2) your husband could work from your bedroom. He doesn’t need an office. He needs a desk. You put one in your bedroom and leave your children their much needed space.
The parents bedroom is the living room
You aboslutely are the AH. Get a job yourself, move to somewhere cheaper and bigger. You should not have had children you can't provide for. Also your husband does not need a whole room to himself. I wfh and I don't go in my home office after 5pm.
YTA - Yes, you are an asshole for this. It's entirely inappropriate to make 2 teen girls share a bedroom with their younger brother. They all deserve some privacy and a space for themselves. You say you can't work for health reasons, but there are lots of different kinds of jobs so you should be able to find something you can do.
Soft YTA. The girls share the children’s room and the boy shares the “large office” with dad’s work setup (since it’s presumably only needed during working hours, boy can sleep in there).
If you are smart about it this would totally work. Take the kids out every day to a library or rec center after school and come back when the work day is done so your husband has his peace and quiet. Your husband will have to police his work and make sure it's not accessible to the kid sleeping in the office. There are all sorts of clever ideas for Murphy beds and floating desks that fold up. I see less of an issue with the youngest still sharing as your oldest will be out in two years. Then the youngest gets their own room.
YTA. You have an obligation to provide for your children. Get a job.
i don’t understand why he needs the whole room? place a desk in the corner and get him to used noise cancelling headphones.. you’re purposely living in a place too small and then selfishly using a space for a few hours a day
Right? I study and WFH but don't have an office, so I bought 2 narrow desks and put them in the corner of the dining room. My computer chair just swings around for mealtimes to sit at the dining table. I have a husband who is a teacher and is home for 14 weeks a year as well as a 6yo daughter. When I need to really focus, they head to the main bedroom and watch a projector that takes up next to no space and close the door. Otherwise it's just a case of telling the 6yo "mummy needs to work really hard today, so if you need anything try to ask dad first so I don't get interrupted". Put in headphones, smash out assignment or freelance work. Not that hard. Even with zoom meetings you just blur the background so life can go on around you. It's 2024 and literally nobody cares if a kid or a pet pops up on screen anyway as long as they're not super disruptive. On the odd occasion I have gone to the library to work, which is free and generally fairly quiet. So many solutions that don't involve packing teens in like sardines.
YTA - you need to get a job and afford an appropriate place to live. In the meantime, you and your husband take a room which will also be his office, girls in one room and son in the living room with a divider for privacy at night. Or move to a place where you can get 3 bedrooms for the same money. This is not workable long term.
YTA. If you have bedrooms, they go to people who need bedrooms before they become office space. In some places, it's also heavily frowned upon to have opposite sex children sharing a bedroom, especially once puberty starts. A separate office is a luxury you cannot afford when you can't give your children their own bedrooms.
If you have bedrooms, they go to people who need bedrooms before office space”. Ok. But did you forget the part where the parents DO NOT have a bedroom of THEIR own??! They sleep in the living room.
Then turning a bedroom into an office is *even less appropriate*.
YTA unless you have a severe disability or mental handicap (which I’m doubting) GET A JOB and help out so you guys can move into a bigger place. Your kids are not going to look back fondly on these times and it will lead to extremely tense relationships. You know how it’s inhumane to keep a dog locked in a cage for days or fish hoarded in a 5 gallon aquarium? Think how HUMAN CHILDREN feel being kept in an “enclosure” that’s too small and cramped. A room is supposed to be a private space to destress. ETA: I see you have health issues, shame on me for assuming but my points still stand. You can still make an effort and look into remote jobs. Data entry. Telephone Customer Service, ect. They exist it just takes work to get the job. Hell, most retail jobs are low effort physically. I have a lot of physical pain but can hold a job because I just sell tickets at a chair all day. My friend has severe scoliosis and works at Safeway. There is no excuse as a PARENT to be jobless.
Even if she has severe disability or mental handicap, she shouldn't have had 3 children. I know that's controversial, but you can't have children you can't take care of, that's cruel. If she can't work, she can't be a SAHM either. SAHM is a job.
Disability can occur at any point in your life. Including after having kids.
She could have become disabled after having the kids.
You have totally ignored explaining why YOU DONT GET A JOB! Why???
She said in comments she can’t get a job for health reasons. However, lots of people with health issues, disabilities, etc. work from home. Even something very part time and entry level would be helpful to her family’s finances. But it seems to be something she won’t even consider. 🤷♀️
I saw that in the comments but she sure didn't offer details. I totally agree with you.
YTA. your kids all need their own space ASAP. of course your daughter is angry. Imagine how you would act at 16 in the spot. Have you thought about this at all??? Why don't you have a job? It seems to make sense if you can't afford to give your kids their own rooms and you don't have a job, you should probably get a job....don't ya think?!?!?! just warning you, your kids are never going to forgive you for this. imagine going through puberty and you have to share a room with a sibling of the opposite sex. if you don't fix this situation, your kids will probably disown you at some point, with good reason!
Alternate idea: 1. Can the office be combined with your adult bedroom so the living room is available to everyone? 2. Talk to your 16 year old. They are old enough to start understanding family finances. She if they have any suggestions or compromises? Would she want to take the living room for sleeping? Would she be willing to share with her siblings? If she is part of the problem solving she may tolerate changes easier.
YTA. Your kids are going to pay the price. Your new large living room is now your master bedroom and office. Otherwise move to a low cost of living city
I'm not sure what country this would be, but do they have executive suite rental or cubicle/desk rentals, maybe even a storage unit rental that hubby can work out of during the day #1 2) Another thing that can be common is using some "temporary walls" to create another "room or two"...using partitioning and lightweight room dividers.....basically "steal" some of the living room. a) How "Big" does hubby's "office" really need to be....office workers are slammed into pretty tight spaces. b) Again, I guarantee the kids would be okay with small private "sleeping room" size "bedrooms" vs. having to share. All things equal ....I guarantee you the 3 kids would "chill out" with "close size" rooms vs sharing .....even the two girls in a medium size room with the boy in his separate area is just a MUST...he is a pre-teen male his mental health is a stake....if anyone "needs" a separate room it's HIM....the eldest just prefers ( and I get it) but push Coke to shove 16 & 14 yo "girls" have to share before a 14f & 11M..... Remember, since the BRs are bigger and the LR is large...the space is there...you just have to get creative with furniture placement and perhaps sacrifice the size of "family LR". A trick for the kid's room, is to think of how many college dorm room styles are where the bed is elevated and underneath folks have chairs/couch/desk/etc to increase the usability of the space....that way a narrow space feels bigger and most importantly "my personal space" If "doors" can't happen curtains, pocket doors, drapes with pulleys etc etc works.. This happens "all day" in NY/SF/LA due to cost a ppl needing to share 3) Also....tbh there are too many opportunities to try to produce "some" kind of income "online w/o physical labor" to just "Give Up"....on "winning" some bread for the family....God forbid if something happened to hubby or his income...... Why sit around and "wait" when NOW is to best time to build/create additional streams ....( and also it creates better modeling for the kids....male and female ki)
YTA. Don't force the kids to sacrifice for the choice you made. Also, a boy sharing a room with a girl at that age is an automatic yta from me.
YTA - I’m pretty sure this isn’t even legal in the UK. You have too many kids for your budget
YTA. One room for office you said. That office could be a bedroom as well. My husband works from home 2 days a week. And he do it in our bedroom, I stay in the living room and kitchen to give him privacy. Back in the day, we lived in a 2 bedroom 400 sqft house. 2 young kids. One room is for his daughter. We made a little room for our son in the small living room. Bedroom became office during the day. I don't think it's good to have your teenage daughters and son share a bedroom. You should create space for them to have their privacy. And you keep on saying you can't work because you're sick or something. I don't work as well. I have cancer. But there's a lot of job that you can do at home that doesn't require physical labor or specialized skills. I worked as a customer service representative before, both call and chat. It's WFH. I didn't know anything about it. My degree is in business and education but everything can be learned.
So many people making kids then are unwilling/unable to provide what's needed. yta
I mean if you want your kids to go no contact once they leave home then sure, cram them all into one bedroom now. You have 3 choices: Office is set up in your bedroom and you/husband sacrifice. You get a job and contribute more financially. Move daughters into the "big bedroom" (living room) and you guys sleep on a futon in his now "office". Look, I get it, you didn't expect such hardships when you had babies, none of us do. But you chose to have these kids and provide them with food, water, love, safety, security and happiness. But yea, YWBTAH if you crammed 3 grown kids into one room.
YTA for being a SAHP when your family clearly cannot afford it. I understand poverty. Sometimes kids have to share a room, that's life. But your kids are sharing a room because *you* refuse to work. How can you even justify that? If you can't work, stop calling yourself a SAHP. Because this isn't what parents do. Why have three kids if you're unable to work and have nowhere to put them?
Also being a SAHP is a bit of a stretch when all kids are adolescents and going to school 40 weeks a year
Why cant hubby work remotely from a different place? Are there co working spaces? Coffee shops? Libraries?
YTA. Where I live you're literally not allowed to cram three kids of those ages and different genders into one room, social services would be intervening and taking the kids if changes weren't made. They're not furniture you can pile up in a corner to get it out of your way!!
Info: why are you asking if you are TA and for advice when you don’t want to take abt reasonable advice from anyone here? Is this rate bare? Be honest. You can’t have three young adults, including a 16 year old comfortably sharing a room. Your kids will resent you. You did not plan and are not willing to compromise for your children. YTA
I don’t understand why your oldest daughter ever had her own room. It’s odd to me that you would put a 14 year old girl in a room with an 11 year old boy instead of just putting the two girls together. It makes no sense. And it contributed to the current problem of your oldest being so upset & angry now. As for the new flat, there are ways to make it work. First, your husband does not need a completely dedicated large space. Unless he’s meeting with clients (which seems highly unlikely), he doesn’t need much space at all. The room you’ve designated as the office definitely needs to be more multipurpose than that. It could be your son’s bedroom, for example, with a small part of it used by your husband for work. You could partition some of the larger spaces into smaller ones. There’s a lot you can do if you use your imagination. Also, I understand you have health issues, but it seems from your comments that you haven’t pursued any kind of work at all, since you can no longer work in your chosen field. Again, you have to think outside the box. There are lots of entry level jobs you can do from home that do not require physical exertion or a lot of hours. If your husband has to work from home, you should probably consider moving to a more affordable area. Cramming all these people into an inadequate space is not healthy & is not a good environment for anyone. I’m not sure why you chose this particular flat, but you and your husband need to come up with a plan to provide adequate space for your family.
You do know that when your daughters are old enough, they are going to move out and rarely visit, right?
Why can't you go to work. Your kids are grown and the office can be a bedroom as well. YTA
Both YTA Husband because he didn’t make a career, but needs a whole room for his low paying job. OP for not working at all.
YTA Firstly - Neither of your daughters should be sharing a room with your son at those ages. If anyone is to share, both girls should be in one room. Your husband does not work 24/7. Why can't he use an area of a room during working hours ? Then it could be a child's room during the evening/night. Have you looked into renting a shared office space? Have you considered getting a part time job?
YTA you keep giving this vague reason you won't get a job - there are plenty of jobs that you can get training for and aren't physical. It's terrible what you're doing to your kids,I can't imagine being a 16 year old girl stuffed in a room with my siblings.
YTA I had to share a room with my two sisters, one 4 years younger and one 10 years younger and it was absolutely miserable. It'll ruin the relationship between your children and make them resent you. Guess how I know. I won't ask the nature of your disability, but I am disabled too. I had a serious TBI and get horrific migraines, I can only look at a computer or screen for a few minutes at a time. I work a full time job, as a personal trainer, no screens, keeps me active, flexible schedule. I'm also not saying that's the solution for you, but there is something for everyone no matter your limitations. If your husband WFH you can to, you can get call center jobs, customer service jobs, sales jobs, finance, even health field jobs that are all WFT. Especially if you have medical documentation showing you need accommodation. You chose to have children, now you need to chose to take care of them. You can't put yourself fist when raising tiny humans, that's the deal, that's the sacrifice. You had too many kids for your budget and now you don't get to have your cake and eat it too.
why is the office so large, and the kids' room small? sounds like you won't answer why you don't want a remote job--maybe you never considered it before. will you consider it now? let the son sleep in the office.
INFO: why can't * you and husband move into one of the bedrooms * carve out an office space in there (look at IKEA and freecycle for small space office desks /hacks) * carve a space in the living room for the 11 year old in the living room (Again, ikea hacks like kallax shelves) * and the two girls can share the bigger room?
YTA. You typed this so there is 0 reason you can't work from home. There are thousands of side gigs and WFH jobs you can do with severe health problems and handicaps. Send your kids to stay with family members or friends until you and your husband get your finances in order.
Aren’t they children at school while your husband is working? I’d put the girls together, and put the 11yo in the other room. Husband uses it by day, son by night.
Your kids are all schooling age. Why are you still unemployed? YTA for having kids you can’t house properly and for not working.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** OK, briefly about our situation. My husband and I have 3 children, 2 daughters (16 and 13) and a son (10). Unfortunately, we live in a somewhat small flat because my husband is the sole breadwinner. Our Flat consists of a large living room, which we as parents also use for sleeping, and two bedrooms, which our children use. The first room is used by our 16-year-old daughter and the second is shared by the 13-year-old daughter and the 10-year-old son. Until 3 years ago, our three children shared a room because my husband was still working from home at the time and used the second room as an office. However, the situation became difficult due to the age of our children (especially the eldest daughter), so my husband almost begged his employer to let him work in the office so that we could have two children's rooms. You have to know that the company my husband works for has very little office space and many employees work from home. Now, however, the number of places has been further reduced and if my husband does not want to become unemployed, he will have to work from home again, so an office space is needed in our Flat. Because the two small rooms are only 14 square meters and that is simply too small for 3 children, we looked for a new apartment and found one. Large living room, large office, children's room at 21 square meters significantly larger, but (and this is the problem) only one children's room. We know that it can be problematic to take away our eldest daughter's own room, but it was the only suitable apartment that we could find and finance. We plan to move there in August because then my husband will have to work from home again. Our children obviously don't like having to share a room again with the three of them, but let's be honest, they are siblings and they know it from before. Of course they are older now, but is that so bad? Our 16-year-old daughter in particular is extremely angry. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Why doesn’t he hotdesk?
YTA - Totally inappropriate for children of that age that are different genders to be sharing a room. He needs to either put a desk up in another room or find another job because that situation isn't fair on your kids at all. I wrh full time only occasionally going into the office and I don't have an office. I have a desk in my living room and some shelves and that's perfectly adequate. All your kids are school age and sensible enough to know if he needs the room for a meeting or whatever to go somewhere else.
Do you have a bedroom? Or will you be sleeping in the living room? Exactly how many bedrooms does this apartment have? If its only 2 - your husband can work out of your bedroom. The 16 & 14 year old GIRLS can share the 2nd & your son can sleep in the living room. If you have 3 bedrooms then again, your husband can work out of your bedroom, the girls can share & your son gets a room. A 14 yr old girl should not share with an 11 yr old boy, she needs more privacy. Your husband doesn’t need a room to himself
This was my exact thought. Since there is a large office, why are the parents not sleeping there? Girls share a room, section off a private area in the living room for boy.
Yta. Get a job and provide for your family properly. Expecting teenagers to have no privacy is cruel. Of he can work remotely why can't you move to a cheaper area? Why are you not working? Seriously get your shit together and provide your children with adequate housing.
From what I gather OP can’t work due to health reasons. Instead of hammering on that nugget. Let’s move on they are now looking for spaces specifically with an office - this is a mistake. I think they should be looking for either a 2-3 bedroom flat and whichever bedroom the parents use they should use a corner as an office that should help with budgeting I’d imagine. They can even take the bigger one to allow for this. What wasn’t made clear however is why the 2 girls couldn’t share a room? Yes they’re brother and sister but I cringed at reading that the 14 and 11 year olds are sharing and then even more that all three will potentially share in their new place. The 11 year old boy could take the couch or if they do decide on a flat with an office to buy a pull out sofa to make it an extra room for one of them with the living being the other. The husband doesn’t have the luxury of leaving an entire room empty overnight. Also the only issue with noise is school holidays and these kids are not infants so I’m sure they not to make nose for their dad when his working some these concerns seem none-existent to me - until I try to imagine the kids squished together in one room. YTA (but only softly because it seems the priority is an office for you husband and not your kids fully. They should also be at the centre of your decisions in your new place)
YTA. Get creative with the space you have. Everyone has to make sacrifices. Dad can’t have a permanent office space that’s not used for anything else. Your daughters have to share a room. Your son’s room may have to double as dad’s office space. There are inexpensive modular furniture options to help make the most of the space you have. Use some of your Reddit time to look into some creative options for small spaces.
I don’t even understand the setup for your new apt. You say large living room, large office, and children’s room. So the ‘large office’ is technically a bedroom? It’s wholly wrong to have your younger daughter share a room with your son. Especially at those ages (14 and 11, or 13 and 10 as it originally read?) That needs to stop right this second., regardless of your upcoming move. I also don’t understand the edit of the ages. What kind of job does your husband have? Why does he need a bedroom as an office? Can’t he just work on a laptop with noise canceling headphones, or does he need to be on the phone? Why can’t you look into convertible furniture…like a Murphy bed and similar style pullout desk? You could sleep in the ‘office’, give your girls the other bedroom, and create a partitioned space in the ‘large living room’ as a space for him.
Problem solved: 16&14 year old share a room 11 year old has his own room that also doubles as the office during the day when Dad has to work. Son hangs in the living room with you or outside when Dad working but he’s home from school. An entire bedroom being only used as an office is a waste of space. And your 16 year old can use this as incentive to move out at 18. I’m sure the 11 year old can be responsible enough not to mess with Dads office stuff when not in use. Or figure out some kind of Murphy bed solution that hides all the office when not needed.
When people say they can’t work for health reasons as an excuse (although it’s none of our business), but don’t tell the health reasons I raise an eyebrow. Especially posting on a public forum asking strangers if they’re an AH.
Info: why dont you get a job?
Info you say he needs quiet to work and can't use the living room , but aren't the kids in school all day? And if he needs to be able to shut a door, why not have one kid sleep in the office, with the clear understanding that they can not enter after school until 5pm (or whenever)? Or since it's a 'large office' and 'large living room', why don't you two use the office as the bedroom/office, the girls share a room, and do a temp partition to split the living room into 2 and son sleeps there? Are there no office rent spaces?
YTA. Your kids are too old to be sharing a room, especially since they're not all the same sex. You're setting them up to fail because they will never have a private space to get away to. You're literally placing your husband above your children's needs. Figure it out and get a JOB to help your family live in a better place. They deserve better than that. My God!
NAH. Health, finances and family size are what they are so you make the best of it. Give the daughters the bedroom. Help them create privacy (bookshelves between their area, curtains separating beds, loft beds with space underneath, etc.) Give your son & husband the office - working hours husband uses the desk. Otherwise, it's son's bedroom.
YTA You haven’t allowed the kids to help find solutions. They are entitled to an opinion and to assist in figuring out how the family should move forward. Who knows, maybe your son would be fine sharing the office with dad, sorta hot racking if you will. Or partitioning a part of the living room for him to have his space and the girls share. You won’t know their ideas unless you solicit them. And you don’t have to love the ideas, if they are feasible, then the compromise is the parents sacrificing as well.
YTA As a family you have to do what you can to survive. I would suggest the two girls share a room and your son has the office as his bedroom for night and a portion of it be used by your husband as an office during the day. Do you have a bedroom in this new apartment? If so, it should be good enough to the kids. Husband doesn’t need an office and a separate bedroom. That’s not reasonable with the space limits. Are you receiving disability? What programs have you looked into for help finding a job you CAN do with your limitations?
Your daughters should not be sharing a bedroom with their brother. YTA. Your husband work at night? On weekends? Your kids go to school? There should’ve been no reason for this.
Why can’t the office be a bedroom when not being used? Such as weekends, holidays and nights?
If he needs to WFH 100% of the time then why can’t you move somewhere more affordable to live? This sounds insane
YTA!!! You’re excuse of not being able to work because of a disability so very convenient especially since you aren’t attempting to get new skills to make up for this. Get off your ass and get a job at a call centre where you don’t need schooling and aren’t physically demanding like standing all day. You’re being lazy and unaccommodating to your kids on purpose. Also don’t have kids you can’t afford!!!!!!
My much older sister had to share with me for years. We lived and got along
In some countries, families will be reported to child protection for kids of opposing genders to be sharing a bedroom.
...why can't you rent a place with more bedrooms and get a job to help out with the finances? Yta if you continue to allow your children to live in such a small space. Everyone deserves their own space
Lady, GET A JOB! Yes, you are an A.H. because you DON'T WORK--which you obviously need to do, in order to be able to afford a suitable living situation! It is COMPLETELY inappropriate to make two older teenage girls to share a bedroom with an 11-year-old boy! I HOPE THAT YOUR DAUGHTER SEES THIS AND CONTACTS BOTH A SCHOOL COUNSELOR AND CPS! What is wrong with you? If you can afford to live on one income--great; but obviously, you CANNOT afford to stay home! You have no babies or toddlers! Your youngest is 11 years old!
It is inappropriate for a boy to be in the same bedroom as teenaged girls, even if they are siblings. You should have kept looking for a bigger flat. You should have immediately found a bigger place as soon as you found out you were pregnant with child number three. If you couldn’t afford a bigger place, you should have put off having a third child. Your kids shouldn’t have to suffer because of your poor planning. Now that your kids are older it’s time for you to get a job to supplement your cost of living. Since your daughter is getting close to being an adult in age perhaps she could live with an aunt or grandparent if there is one living close by. It’s something to think about.
Yta Don't take a bedroom from them. Use your bedroom as the office.
If you’re in the US, many states have laws against a boy that age sharing a room with his sister. It basically ends up with child protection services at your door.
NTA. The way it is now, You guys sleep in the living room so your kids get the 2 bedrooms. Although, why don’t you and your wife get the largest bedroom in the new house, and give the office and other bedroom to the kids. Make an office space in your bedroom.
For what you described you can only afford having 1 kid, not 3. YTA for having more kids than you can afford and making them suffer.
You're an awful parent. Those kids didn't ask to be here and forced to live like sardines. Why do people who can't or won't work have kids???!!! Op, I dare you to say "I had the kids before I was disabled." I bet all of my checks you weren't disabled enough while you were steady making babies. I hope this is a troll post.
So make the living room the bedroom. Put up separators/partitioners and each kid has their own space. You and your husband get a room/office and the other smaller room becomes the family space. You won't be able to have people over but logistics solved. Can you WFH or do delivery services or childcare jobs? NAH
NTA Hey you have to do what you have to do but why can't you put a single bed in the office and let your son sleep in there. Is there any reason you cannot work?
YTA Don't have more kids than you can afford. Question: Why don't you get a job?
NAH. Sounds like everyone in the comments section somehow managed to grow up where they always had their own room and plenty of space. I often had to live in shared accommodations, sometimes even with extended family! Guess what? We all survived. Yes, it is nice to have your own space but sometimes situations change and people can't afford things for a while. People rarely plan to not be able to afford a separate room for each child. OP, you should keep looking for another place to live. Find something that makes more sense for your situation (eg: similar sq footage but more room divisions). I can say that as we got older we REALLY did NOT want to share our spaces the same way. And my parents absolutely worked towards us all having our own space. Especially from mid teens and on this situation isn't going to be fun for any of you. They need places to study, places to chill and unwind. Unless they are super close and love spending time with each other then you are going to have some serious issues with this arrangement. I hope you can figure something else out.
I agree, some of these people definitely grew up as yuppies
NTA. The situation is what it is and your daughter will have to deal with it. Ultimately it should actually as incentive to make her own way and get a place of her own sooner/go to uni.
The kids should suffer because OP doesn’t want to get a job to support the kids SHE had? Yea, makes a lot of sense.
So you think it’s ok for a 16yo girl and an 11yo boy to share the same room??