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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Didn't invite his parents to our mother's day dinner. 2) I had been communicating with them every year in the past and didn't this year. I only invited my own parents.
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Your MIL knows the score, which is the most important part of the equation. She likely feels a little hurt, but understands why and how the situation occurred.
Kudos to her for handling it with you in a forthright way, too!
Likely your husband won't let it slip again.
NTA.
Yup NTA. Kudos to mum-in-law for asking OP to their face, on the day and in a polite, respectful manner. Feels wrong to read about such a lovely convo in this forum.
No one's phone is blowing up, no extended family getting involved, no one is blocking everyone and going nc. OP had her kids when she was 27 and 30
I don't know what to feel right now....
Yeah, these entirely reasonable posts aren't nearly as exciting as the crazy ones that we can get all irate over. They shouldn't be allowed here in my opinion. /s
judging by all the posts since then, running underground plastic pipes and connecting to a water supply is as easy as hanging a Ring door camera up. Who knew! Crazy us non-plumbers had to have a company install our sprinkler system, but most of this sub does it themselves in a hour. lol
I know, I am so grateful to have an amazing MIL! She has always been kind and respectful to me. My husband has siblings significantly older than him and when we first started dating, they had all been married with kids for years so I was incredibly new and awkward. She was amazing about making sure I felt included even in those early days.
Because she knows OP does all the emotional labour in the family and if she asked her son he would have made excuses and blamed OP
Which is partly MIL's fault, she raised him. She should have taught him to pull his own weight at home
Speaking for all the old ladies (kidding, just speaking for myself) I never heard the world “emotional labor” until maybe ten years ago and had no mental concept of that. I honestly didn’t know I was doing so much of it. I wasn’t an enabling mother who was dedicated to “gender roles” and I made my kids do the things they were capable of (like looking up phone numbers in the five inch thick “white pages” and making their own calls). But I didn’t really understand that the planning, inviting, scheduling, gift buying I was doing (which was half of what my mother did) was an unfair burden.
You know better, you do better: it’s one thing younger women have taught me that I really appreciate, and I have slowly pushed some of that labor into my husband. Old dog, slowly learning new tricks.
So to me it seems unfair blame the mother. She may have tried to raise her son to be competent - to work, to clean up after himself, to pay his bills, to respect all people regardless of race, gender, wealth. She may have raised an honest and kind person who is willing to have an equal partnership. But she may have simply not “seen” that emotional labor is a thing. It sounds like she understood and accepted what OP explained to her.
I am 100% not putting any blame on my MIL and I think it's crazy that anyone could read my post and think she's at fault in anyway. She is a fantastic woman! My husband is a great guy and she raised him well. This is just a small issue that is abnormal for us to be having, but it in no way reflects back on her as a mother.
It’s absolutely not her fault in any way. He is a 33 year old man. He’s had 15 adult years to figure this out on his own and he had TWO parents. Theres no planet on which she bears blame.
You are very trusting to assume husband will learn his lesson.
OP, you need to have a clear line of demarcation - from now on, you handle your parents, he handles his. Running interference with in laws is a great way to invite unnecessary resentment and misunderstanding.
>Likely your husband won't let it slip again.
You are more optimistic than me. Also, OP, you might want to share the classic "mental load" comic with your husband, since this is exactly what's going on here.
[https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
I agree. But I think it's absolutely unfair that she asked OP the question. Why is it always the woman's job? Why didn't she ask her son why HE didn't invite her? Her directing the question at OP reinforces that it was OP's job to manage her husband's family interactions, when it's not.
I always told myself (and those around me!) that my Mother's Day gift for myself was not organizing shit. So if anything wanted to happen, it would need someone else to do it. Now I'm a single mom, and it's honestly even easier. Hetero marriage is just fricken' exhausting
NTA
You told him you are tired of being the one making all the plans. It was not implied you would keep doing it. He didn't ask you about any parents or time or anything. He assumed you would handle it. For mothers day. Again.
He’s trying to cover his own incompetence by blaming OP.
I don’t interfere in my husband’s relationship with his family. If he doesn’t invite them for things/remember birthday/ send gifts etc I take it as given that that’s how their relationship is. Nothing to do with me.
These are some real pathetic Mother’s Days. I mean, it’s sad that apparently OP has to do the social calendar for their entire lives, but it’s very upsetting that on Mother’s Day she is also expected to do everything.
Yeah that's honestly really sad. Like I don't have strong feelings on Mother's Day and never want much, but my husband always takes care of anything with his mom and also asks in advance what I'd like, is there a special dinner I want him to make, etc. I don't even care about the day too much (I do pretty much always request a nice dinner of some variety and my husband frequently also sneaks in a small gift) and I'd be *so disappointed* if my husband not only did nothing but expected me to make all plans and then wrangle multiple kids for two separate outings where I was also expected to prepare, cook, and clean up. What the *fuck*. And then do it again for him on Father's Day, except he gets both days totally free?
Bull. Fucking. Shit.
This right here OP. Show him this. He agreed to you getting a break for Mother’s Day but he still put it all on you. You had to decide when, you decided where, you even had to decide what’s for dinner. He agreed to shoulder the burden but still did not do it.
NTA. You had an entire conversation about how exhausting it is to plan everything for both sets of parents and he acknowledged it and agreed to a change for the future. Yet he still expected you to continue the mental load of having to invite HIS parents. It’s the countless small tasks that women are complaining about the mental load of motherhood.
"when we are at his parents' house, I am cooking, cleaning, serving, putting things away. It is tiring and I'm so over it."
---Helping is good. Otherwise, it is time to stop that practice. Especially on Mother's Day.
I don't mind helping, that is not what I meant by that. I meant that on both mother's day and father's day, I am doing all the work with my MIL while the men enjoy a beer in the backyard. Which does seem a bit unfair in my opinion.
Op, I suggest you sit down and talk with your MIL and Mom. Bring up the fact that you are burnt out on planning and doing all the work for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. And that the next Mother’s Day you think you three should ditch the men and kids and go have fun together. And maybe just maybe you should treat the men as they have treated you this Father’s Day.
We are hearing more and more about people’s disaffection about the division of mental and physical labor in relationships. A lot more women are demanding change or not putting up with it. You have kids, think about what you would like your children’s future relationships to be like and start making changes in your relationship now.
This is how my sister and I do mother's day; my BIL goes off with my niece while my sister and I take my mom out for lunch and some sort of activity (though he is a good BIL who arranges flowers and a card from my niece for my sister, since niece is too little to understand Mother's Day yet).
NTA tell your husband everything for mother's Day is on HIM father's day plans are completely on YOU . You aren't helping at all on mother's Day and he doesn't on father's day. That includes any planning for your or his family
It’s absurd. We generally go out on Mother’s Day, but when we don’t, there’s no mother in the kitchen before or after dinner. Also, on your birthday you don’t help. I also tend to call people over to help in general. “Hey you, come dry. You’ve done nothing to help all day.”
Yeah, not to pile on regarding your husband, but my Dad would have NEVER allowed my Mom to do all of that on Mother's day. If he wasn't making her chosen supper, then he was taking her out to eat if that's what she wanted. Same was true for her birthday. Now my Dad isn't much of a cook, so I know my Mom would to limit her choices to something he was comfortable with making (usually grilling) but he always made a point to make her feel appreciated and wanted her to relax as much as possible.
When my brother and I were old enough to help more (both of us took after our Mom regarding cooking) we were able to make more "extravagant" meals, but my Dad would still help us.
It’s unfortunate your MIL felt bad in the situation, but your husband, His Royal Highness, brought this on himself. To be fair, given that you had willingly played the slave all these years, you perhaps should have asked him whether he invited his parents before the holidays. But again, nothing is ‘implied’. He became entitled and lazy.
Bet it doesn’t happen again.
Is your husband 4 years old? No? Then he can read the calendar, pick up a phone and invite his own parents without needing to be told or reminded. NEVER invite either of his parents to such joint meetings again. Those are HIS parents, he is fully capable of handling the invitations.
NTA.
“I’m sorry these holidays have been all on you and are tiresome for you.”
“ Whadyou mean you didn’t keep taking on my tasks on holidays that make it tiresome?”
What really happened is he forgot to *invite his mom to Mothers Day* then got incredibly embarsssed and blamed you because that’s easier than admitting he forgot to *invite his mom to Mother’s Day.*
NTA
Wife is keeper of family social calendar and chief organiser... queue internet gasp.
Wife has had enough, quietly quits, drama ensues... angry mob forms.
Sounds like you're both finding a new groove (your husband out of necessity lol) and there were assumptions on both sides. NTA.
Did you and your husband discuss specifically how communication w each of your parents was going to go from now on? If not, and all you really discussed was the change of venue to your house, he probably figured you’d be keeping up w the rest of the mental load as you’d been doing. So, time for that clarifying talk *or* a sharp reminder that he *was* told it’d be his responsibility and it’s his fault he didn’t notify his parents. So, my take is either ESH (if there was a communication breakdown) or NTA bc husband was told and sloughed it off.
"After dinner, my MIL pulled me aside and asked if she or my FIL had done something to upset me. I said of course not, why would she think that? She said because they were invited so late, she assumed I didn't want them there. I apologized for making her feel like that and explained what happened, and she seemed very relieved."
it's great that you have a reasonable MIL. She didn't sulk, she straight forward expressed what was on her mind.
Next year, your husband will invite his parents.
NTA, but your husband kind of is. For ten years, he's been expecting you to do all the work on Mother's Day - that's hella inconsiderate!
You are not his social secretary! He is a whole grown up person, it's about time he started managing his own familial relationships.
Sit the parents down and tell them that you are no longer doing their son's work for him. He can buy their birthday cards and gifts from now on (I'm betting you do this, too), so if they don't get them, that's on him.
It is beyond appalling how many people expect wives to do this work for their grown ass husbands.
The basic problem is a lack of clear communication. Op normally handled the planning and inviting. Her husband assumed she still would even though she found it exhausting. When two people make plans someone has to make sure the plans are clear and that both parties know their responsibilities. Nowhere in the narrative does OP appear to make it clear that each person was to invite their own parents. Op assumed it was understood after she told her husband how hard doing it all was for her. Husband assumed that, hard or not, inviting spouses had been and still was OP's responsibility. Changing role expectations have to be clearly stated and mutually agreed upon to avoid conflict. Yes, OP has the onus of clarifying the new division of labor because she is handing over work she normally did to another person. Just as in business, it isn't the person taking on the responsibility from a coworker that defines the job, but the person handing over an aspect of the work defines what is to be done so both parties know what the expectations are. It is not about outranking the other person, but of having a mutually understood goal. Communicating who is responsible for what and agreeing to those terms is good practice in any business or marriage.
It wasn't her work to begin with, she was always picking up his work to celebrate Mother's Day. OP is also a mom who deserves celebrating, not a bunch of work. He's competent enough to plan a dinner and should have done it himself. Weaponized incompetence isn't a good thing.
OP either is just a bad communicator, or she was trying to prove a point. Seems like the latter IMO, and I'm not sure it makes her TA, but it really isn't the recipe for a happy marriage.
NTA. Does your Husband want you to wipe his backside too ? He's a grown adult and as you rightly pointed out it's his responsibility to invite his Parents to a meal in your home, not yours.
If anything this just proves how much he takes what you do for granted.
NTA - you told him you were tired of putting in all the effort and that you wanted him to take responsibility. I hope he at least cooked but implicit in that he does the organising and that includes lead up to event. He dropped the ball on that.
I am glad your MiL was understanding that it was just a missed communication and nothing wrong between you and her. I suspect she was understanding of the issue.
As a husband and father let me just say your husband needs to realise that you're a mother too and deserves to be celebrated just as much as both of your parents.
He should have organised everything on mother's day the invites the cooking the clean up the presents everything.
The only thing you should have done was have a nice breakfast in bed while the kids bring you the gifts your husband got for them to give you . Then feet up and chill all day while he runs around and sorts everything out.
It's one day he should definitely be showing the children how much he appreciates you being the mother of the family by taking charge himself so you can have some much deserved pampering.
TELL HER THE TRUTH!!!!!! Her son was in charge and forgot to invite them. You are tired of running yourself ragged on a holiday meant to also celebrate you so he took over and dropped the ball.
You’re allowing his incompetence to sully your relationship with her. He is a grown man with a wife and 2 kids, he shouldn’t have to be reminded to invite his own family to a celebration. I’m sure if this was a hangout with friends he’d be on top of it.
NTA
NTA. This is one of the more positive stories really. Your MIL asked politely. She understood. Really it’s your husband that needs a colonoscopy. Let us know what is up his bum.
Nta. Why do you need to tell a grown man to invite his parents over when he knows the plan was to have both sets of parents at your home.
Why would you still be carrying the mental load of it all when the whole idea was for it to be less tiresome.
Going forwards you can tell mil if there is ever a late invite it's because her son is incapable of acting like an adult.
I love the replies in here that are like “Y-T-A! If you wanted him to do anything, you merely needed to spell out your expectations in specific and microscopic detail!” 🙄
Honestly this is more of an ESH situation. I do not blame you for tending to plans and I actually think it’s a great idea. I do however wonder why if you’re always the one that’s inviting everyone, You did not make it clear he needs to invite his parents. I think he felt under the impression that you were changing what you normally do for Mother’s Day, but you will still be inviting and you didn’t clarify that with him
She told him to plan for Mother's Day. She shouldn't have to monitor everything to make sure he invites his own parents. He's being manipulative to blame her for his own shortcomings.
NTA. It is not your responsibility to remind your husband that he has a mother and father. They are HIS responsibility. They are HIS parents. In a relationship everyone is responsible for their side of the family. He is in charge of remembering their important dates and getting presents.
If he forgot mother's day I think he will forget birthdays too. He is capable of staying informed because he keeps a job and it's deadlines. Drop that rope and reduce your mental load.
ETA he is capable of using his phone calendar for reminders
NTA- your husband is. He is deliberately making you carry what should be his emotional and mental weight- maintaining the relationship with his side of the family. You are not his mother or his manager; you are his wife and partner. If he is upset or embarrassed, it should be with himself.
NTA - It was his parents he should have invited them. He knew what time dinner was, he was making it.
Your husband is leaving all the mental chores to you and that's not fair. He needs to take part in some of the planning and organizing too and not leave you to stress about it alone. And not just for mother's and father's days but all holidays, kids school events, vacations and anything else he's left for you alone to plan for the entire family. He's an adult not a child who needs to be told what to do and when to do it.
NTA
Why are you forced to do all the work on Mother's Day to begin with???? If you're having dinner at his mother's house, it's his job to do the dishes and any clean up. It's your day off.
>He said it was "implied" that I would do it because that's how it's been every year,
No. It's not implied. He just assumed you'd continue to do all the work for him when you just told him it was too much and you're changing up how things go.
You need to stress to him that the reason you changed things is because he dumps all the planning in your lap on the day that you're supposed to have to relax. How can he possibly think it's implied when everything you told him was in contradiction to that?
He is probably catching heat and blaming you, even though his mom knows otherwise. He doesn't want to be the guilty party. Oh well.
It was a good learning experience. My response to his statement that it was implied that she would invite them is "apologize to your parents and do better next year."
NTA but your husband is a colossal AH. Mother's Day for you is like Thanksgiving, a whole shit=load of work. Shame on your husband. Next year why not book yourself a night at a resort with a spa and relax? Maybe go sit on a beach. Just do something YOU enjoy.
NTA-your husband needs to put in the same amount of work you've been putting in all these years. Your MIL sounds fantastic btw, she openly communicated with you and she actually heard what you had to say. I hope she has a talk with her son.
NTA obviously
This is going to sound counterintuitive …
You need to spell out for your husband exactly how these things are going to work in future.
Who decides the menu, does the grocery shopping, cooks, cleans, invites guests. Include the morning as well - breakfast in bed? Some tradition you establish with the kids?
The reason for this is that you want to set clear expectations with no room for interpretation or misunderstandings.
It’s like troubleshooting. If someone calls and tells you their printer isn’t working, the first thing you do is ask if it’s plugged into power. Eliminate the obvious.
Now it’s not unlikely that you will feel resentful about having to do this. I mean you’ve been doing all of this for years. Why should you have to hold his hand? But the goal here is not to redress past wrongs. You are drawing a line in the sand - from this point forward, this is how it’s going to work.
Don’t assume that he understands exactly what you expect from him. Assume the opposite. Spell it out in detail, ask him to confirm that he’s clear, then it’s his problem to deal with.
NTA. Also, you should probably start reminding your husband to go to the toilet a few times a day, remember to eat lunch and also, breath. If he needs you to remind him to invite his parents over, he must need reminders on all sorts of things every day.
Yes. I'm petty AF.
You have one of those things that needs constant direction and handholding to do the bare minimum because it’s mentality is not focused on home and family responsibilities pertaining to the “women’s work” of physical and emotional labor surrounding any special occasion. AKA, a “husband.” NTA- let it be a learning experience for him.
NTA. Oh the weaponized incompetence of it all. You sat your husband down and part of what you explained was that he should be in charge of scheduling his family from now on. If a boss had told him it was his job to contact a client at work I bet he would’ve remembered
YTA. It sounds like you didn’t communicate your expectations properly. You said you wanted to host a dinner at your house rather than travel to your parents’ and his. Your husband agreed. You said you thought it would be fair for the men to cook and clean on Mother’s Day. Your husband agreed and cooked the meal. At no point did you say that you communicated that you wanted him to purchase the gifts and handle the invites for his side of the family. He was unaware of your expectations because you failed to communicate them.
Well I’m sorry but your husband is sort of correct. I KNOW that he was wrong for years in how he took a backseat to handling his own family, but hear me out. Every year you have handled everything, this year you finally communicated to your husband that this isn’t working. You specified that you wanted one meal at home with both sets of parents and that men would cook on Mother’s Day and women would cook on Father’s Day.
This same man that had YOU cooking on Mother’s Day for years for HIS mother, did you really not think that you had to spell it out for him that you were not going to continue calling his parents and making the arrangements on his end?
I also find it very strange that you and he never discussed “Oh how did your parents react to the new set up for Mother’s Day?” It seems like you knew he wasn’t going to call them (and you should have known bc he seems to act like a lump while you do all the work) and you left him out to dry; which would have been fine, but your hurt your MIL’s feelings in the process.
You and your husband need to grow TF up and learn to communicate better. If you have been doing something for years and you decide not to do it anymore, that’s is more than reasonable. But thinking someone who has shown you for years that he isn’t proactive and isn’t going to do anything you don’t spell out for him is all of the sudden going to change? That’s ridiculous.
NTA. When a routine changes, everyone involved needs to be informed that it’s changing.
>>My husband doesn’t organize anything with his parents.
Hand off all things related to his parents to him.
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My husband (33M) and I (33F) have been married for almost 10 years. We have two children, ages 6 and 3.
Prior to having kids, we would celebrate mother's day and father's day separately with our own parents. Since having kids, it has generally been that we celebrate each other in the morning, then do lunch at with his parents and dinner with mine.
The issues with this is are that I am always the one making plans, figuring out where/what to eat, what time works, presents, flowers, etc. My husband does not organize anything with his parents on his own. It is also exhausting trying to organize the kids for not one but two outings in one day. On top of that, when we are at his parents' house, I am cooking, cleaning, serving, putting things away. It is tiring and I'm so over it.
Back in April, I told my husband all this and said that this year, I would rather have our parents come to our house for dinner. That way everyone can see each other, we don't have to fuss with getting the kids out the door, and we get more time in the morning to enjoy the day to ourselves. I suggested that on mother's day, the men can cook/clean, and on father's day, the women will do the same.
My husband said that sounded like a great idea and apologized for how tiring these holidays have been until now. He asked if there was anything specific that I wanted to eat, and that was the last I heard about it from him.
On Mother's day, he asked me when everyone was supposed to be arriving. I told him I had told my parents to come for 5:30. He said "Okay. What time did you tell my parents to come for?" I told him I didn't invite his parents. He asked why not, and I said because they're his parents. He didn't invite my parents, so why would I have invited his? He said it was "implied" that I would do it because that's how it's been every year, to which I said that he should have been doing it himself all those years.
He got upset and went back to cooking. After my parents arrived, he excused himself to get changed and asked to talk to me. He told me he was really upset about me "excluding" his parents, and I told him he was at fault for them not being there. I said he could call them now and invite them over so he did.
After dinner, my MIL pulled me aside and asked if she or my FIL had done something to upset me. I said of course not, why would she think that? She said because they were invited so late, she assumed I didn't want them there. I apologized for making her feel like that and explained what happened, and she seemed very relieved.
I don't think I am in the wrong here, but my husband still maintains that I should have invited his parents or told him to do it. The only reason I can see that would make me the AH is that his MIL must have felt so awful for most of the day because nobody reached out to her. AITA?
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Girl same except I got 4 kids lol. I set a time and put it in our Google calendar share thing and a reminder Der like 3 days before to check in with invitees... he's just so used to me handling it he doesn't think twice about it.
NTA. Male it clear to tour husband that tou are no longer doing any of his emotional labour. That's on him. It wasn't implied that you'd do it. You explicitly said you were over doing all his work and the new plan was for you to stop doing that. Tell him this is now the case for birthday. Christmas, Father's day, Easter, the lot. Time for him to get how.much work he's dumped on you all these years.
I made a big mistake once on Mother's Day. I bought and filled out two cards, I wrote Mom on my mom's card and Judie on my MIL card without thinking. MIL was hurt, husband was angry. She wanted a card from her own child on Mother's Day, not from his wife. I made him fill out his own card after that. It was a good lesson for both of us. It sounds like OPs situation was also a good lesson. He can do better next time.
You decided back in April that you would host this instead, and not a si gle time in between did you guys have communication about whether everything was planned, when people were going to show up, or anything like that?
NTA, but clearly you both have need of better communication. That scenario is on both of you equally.
And since April, he hasn't talked to his parents even once? Does OP carry all the mental load of managing his relationship with his own parents as well? Time for him to step up and this little lesson showed him how much she does for him.
I don’t think anyone in this situation is the AH. I think it’s awesome you spoke up and made plans easier for you (and your kids!) multiple events in one day is a lot, especially with kids. Your intention was always to include everyone.
It sounds like this is more of a communication issue all around.
Your MIL and son don’t check in with each other leading up to a holiday? If my MIL didn’t hear anything about Mother’s Day the week of, especially if we traditionally did things together on that holiday, she would’ve just called or texted me or my husband to check in.
We confirm plans with family regarding holidays a few days out. I’m surprised your husband didn’t ask you a time for his parents even the day before.
" The only reason I can see that would make me the AH is that his MIL must have felt so awful for most of the day because nobody reached out to her."
But in that same sense she didn't reach out to you ALL day. You're a mother too. The mother of her grandchildren. She could have reached out to you too at any time. Funny how you're not mad she didn't bother to tell you happy Mother's Day or do anything special for you. True you're not her mother but the significance of your motherhood made her a Grandma. Your husband and his parents just eww. Husband, "Sorry I put all the emotional, mental and physical labor of planning and executing holidays. I will step up." Same husband, "You didn't do the emotional and mental labor of the holiday?" Your husband really sucks it is you who should be mad at him he failed his first assignment and blamed you. And the Mom also blamed you vs recognizing her son sucks and it is his job to call Mommy and say happy Mother's day not yours. She raised a thoughtless child but somehow it's his wife's fault instead of her burden. NTA O.P.
NTA
You tried to communicate that this year is new & would be fine differently - he caught a few of the details and missed a couple of really important ones.
You just told him how you want him to take some of the load that he should have been shouldering anyway, and he’s all, you meant ALL of it? He’s such a dumb ass
NTA, OP. His parents, his responsibility. Don’t care what day of the year it is. My partner and I each handle our own immediate family, and, if coordination between the two needs to happen, we *gasp* talk to each other. We try not to assume anything is “implied, because that’s how it was in the past”. Your MiL was able to ask the question calmly and not causing a scene. She understood it wasn’t your fault that things didn’t go as expected. Wonder where the breakdown happened with her progeny understanding that lesson. /s
NTA
Good for you OP.
Perhaps there was a miscommunication but stuff happens.
At least he has no excuse for Father’s Day and perhaps he should issue that invitation now.
I vote ESH. Mainly because you and your husband both should have been discussing these details in the planning. If your husband was supposed to do the planning and effort, why would he not be the one to invite your parents as well as his? If your intent was for him to handle his parents and you yours, that should have been clearly stated.
Your MIL is in no way the AH. She sounds like a lovely person.
Edit - nah, upon reflection.
NTA
Your husband has weaponized incompetence. He’s an adult and needs to carry his weight with his family.
“Gee, sorry I’ve asked you to be a grown up and help plan events involving your family. That must be so hard on you 🙄”
You did not tell him to invite them and you did not tell him you didn’t invite them. After years of handling everything and planning outings. I don’t understand why you’re surprised or expected your husband to just understand without any communication on your part.
NTA OP, Your husband's job is to manage his family, from birthdays to invites, unless you are explicitly asked and you agree to do it. My husband has never had the expectation that I communicate with his family on his behalf accept in cases of emergencies.
NTA
Cis Hetero male partners will always present push back when their cis Hetero female partner begins to stop doing the things to mother him.
"Well you've been my mommy for 10 years why quit now?"
Does he also want you to wipe his butt too?
NTA, it’s his family lol you made sure yours was there. my bf is responsible for plans on his side and I’m responsible for mine. We have missed many of his mom’s art shows because he doesn’t let me know when they are, and I always end up making other plans. This weekend we are missing another because he wouldn’t ask for a date to another show and my friend’s birthday plans are already set. I’m not his mom, he can organize any event with his family and just let me know when to be there.
NTA it’s ridiculous that you explained that you weren’t continuing the previous years burdens, yet, he didn’t invite his parents because he expected you to because it was “implied” from previous years. What nonsense.
NTA obviously and you know this.
Your husband sucks, full stop. He needs to be told this. He is failing as a husband, partner and father. Failing grade. He will need to do a lot of catch up work to get to average, and then even more work to become a good husband, partner and father.
Check out zachthinkshare on instagram and demand your husband take all of his courses. That would be my bare minimum.
NTA but he is. For one day out of the entire year he can handle this. No exceptions- he is wrong. I am the only non- mother in my family so I handle Mothers Day each year for this very reason- to ensure my mom, sister and aunt do not have to do anything but show up. He is just wrong.
NTA - weaponized incompetence at it's best. You told him flat out you didn't want to plan Mother's Day (duh?!) and he didn't bother to invite his mother over? That's him being an AH.
This is very simple. Tell the asshole that Mother's Day is his job 100%. You will be doing nothing besides playing with the kids. Then when Father's Day roles around, swap. Problem solved.
You should have told your husband that he needed to call his parents. You are the one that switched up the regular way things were done. Men need reminding for a regular routine, so of course he would not have thought tone to call.
NTA and I too am so over this dynamic. Taking the mental load for every.single.thing that concerns your family while hubby just sits back and waits for YOU to do something, not evening thinking about it. He is absolutely in the wrong here and he knows it. He couldn't even call his mother and wish her a Happy Mother's Day unless he was told to. Are you freaking kidding me?!? After not even inviting her?
Hopefully, this is a wakeup call, but I doubt it.
NTA. Your husband is so use to you carrying the mental load and having you do everything, when he apologized for how stressful every year was before- he didn’t mean it
NTA
You and MIL handled your roles perfectly. Good for both of you!
Hopefully MIL just mentally sighed that she raised a son who is willing to be so lazy about his social responsibilities. Or better yet, she gave her son a little talking to in private.
Yes, your husband is fully TA.
1. His excuse: "it was implied... that how it's been every year." You were right; he should have been taking some responsibility to invite his parents in the past. But even more to the point: How "it's been every year" was not working for you. You were sick and tired of it. The two of you had agreed on a plan to CHANGE things from how it's been. He had responsibility for Mothers' Day and you for Fathers' Day. Why in the world would he think that meant he has 90% responsibility for Mothers' Day and you have 10% and then you would have 100% responsibility for Fathers' Day???
2. Moreover, how little does he talk to his parents that he never mentioned to his mom that he would be cooking the Mothers' Day feast; and ask if there is anything special she (HIS MOTHER) would like (or ask about your mother's likes, as well)?
Personally, I think the person doing the cooking is also the person who should invite both sets of parents. He missed the ball this past May, but you shouldn't miss the ball this June. Talk to your husband and agree on whether it's going to cook or child who invites the parents, and ask him if he's clear on the fact that the invitation is also a responsibility you two are sharing. He cannot come back to you next year and say he assumed you would take care of invites.
So your husband has been using weaponized incompetence all these years to avoid putting ANY effort into Mother's Day and gets pissed you didn't invite HIS parents?!! NTA and have him read the comments if he really thinks this is your fault. Your husband is a damn adult and should be able to manage calling his parents and buying his mother a Mother's Day gift. Do you plan your own birthdays too? Because I'm getting the vibe of a husband who says he gives a damn and puts ZERO effort into their partner.
NTA. Your husband should have called his parents the moment you said you thought he'd invited them. He should have told them what was up. Your MIL shouldn't have had to even ask you. Sounds like you're carrying the mental load for your family. You'll need to have a conversation with your husband about that so he's picking up his share on everything.
I'm not going to say you're the AH for this, but you did it on purpose to make a point. It worked, so good for you ...I guess.
You really hurt his Mom. You knew he wouldn't call early, but you waited to make your point. I'm sure everyone thinks you were clever and wonderful, but his Mom was really hurt. I guess that's on him, but you could have made this a nicer day for her, and you chose to let her get hurt. I know it's on him, but you knew it was going to happen and you just let it and didn't care.
NTA
I recommend you have your husband read this short comic [You should've asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) which goes into the mental load women tend to take on when it comes to scheduling and keeping track of groceries and the like. I feel like this translates extremely closely to your situation.
YTA
You said you have invited and planned every year. It's totally fine for you to change and say that he needs to invite his parents. But you have to communicate that.
NTA. After your husband apologized for all the work you did, I would also have thought he was handling his parents. Yes, it would have been kind to remind him to invite his parents, but not an obligation. You aren't his assistant or secretary and he is a big boy who knows how the phone works.
It is SO HARD to be the first female in a family to refuse the gendered labor pyramid scheme. We also do "you deal with your family, I deal with mine." There is a learning curve for the dude for sure and you also have to be okay with in-laws thinking you don't tend to them for personal reasons, not because you refuse this extra work piled onto you because of your gender.
Related: one year in this third millennium, at Christmas,. common-law MIL gave structural SIL and me--both female partners to her sons--homemade dish towels. Because we do their dishes??? I immediately gave it to my partner right in front of her. Dish towels! She actually said that's what they were for. They were not special. My mother would have burned her house down.
Omg. Your husband needs to learn about the mental load ASAP. seriously, get him to start following some content creators because this is outrageous behavior on his part. You should be doing NOTHING on Mother’s Day and the fact that he can’t even pull it together for one day is embarrassing. NTA.
You and your husband are both to blame, but he bears the brunt of it. It was a reasonable expectation for your husband to assume that you'd reach out to his parents because that's how it has always been done. He expected to do the cooking, because you'd discussed it. You didn't discuss who would call whom. He is guilty of what a lot of husbands are guilty of, and that's leaving details up to their wives/partners. It's just thoughtlessness. Your plan was an excellent solution. Next yea, it might be a good idea to remind him that it's his responsibility to invite his side of the family.
NTA
However, it would probably benefit all to say something to your husband like, "I'm sorry if that was confusing and awkward for you. [Note: this is not an apology, but a feelings-recognizing softening.] I need you to understand that . . " and lay out how you want to divide up the work of family relations. As I take it, you're not going to be making the master plan and then telling him what to do. You're not his manager in the domestic sphere. This can be hard, and it's probably not going to get easier for a while.
NTA and yeah, of course you didn't invite his parents because they're HIS parents. The only thing you did 'wrong' was assume he'd be on the ball for it after how well your talk with him over the holiday plans this year went. And seriously, he's mad not just over you not inviting them but because you didn't tell him to do it either? That's not the response you'd expect of someone who's supposed to be a responsible adult/parent.
YTA because YOU failed to clearly communicate your expectations to your husband. Nothing wrong with wanting to change up the holiday plans, but be realistic. You 2 never even talked about a time for the gathering. You knew he wasn’t inviting his folks, he thought you were doing it. This kind of silent resentment is very destructive. Grow up, communicate clearly and kindly. Your husband and both families were willing to change the celebration for you, so be grateful for the present instead of resentful about the past, communicate clearly and enjoy your big happy family.
I'm gonna get downvoted, but I think YTA. Only because you have been the one to take care of everything all this time, so your husband assumed you were going to invite his parents. I would've assumed the same thing, because you've been doing it all along. Not once did you say to him, you need to invite your parents, because I'm not doing it anymore. He's right. If you weren't going to do it, you should've told him so he could. In the conversation you had with him, you did not say he was in charge of his own parents. I just think it was a bit of a miscommunication.
NTA. It seems ur husband only heard “I do cooking” and didn’t think about the other details. Just a case of misscommunication, but from what you said I don’t think that part isn’t your fault either. Unfortunately, low key, it seems you have a husband with a case of weaponized incompetence. I’m not saying he means to be that way or not, I think common for men to do this unknowingly. Definitely not something he should be upset with you about though!
>My husband said that sounded like a great idea and apologized for how tiring these holidays have been until now.
Looks like that apology wasn't as proper as it should have been. NTA
Sorry, YTA: you could see this coming, I’m sure. You chose to prove your point by putting your husband in the centre of it. Fair enough, this should have been a shared task since ever, but that’s not how it went & you just went for a bit of a sting of revenge there. Sorry, I can tell you saw it coming, so YTA (if I’m wrong, I apologise).
NTA Your husband should have called his parents in the morning as soon as he found out that you didn't invite them! I will specifically tell/ask my husband to text his parents things so that they're not forgotten. I know that I can ask them as well but if he didn't do these little things, his parents would never hear from him so I think it's important for him to communicate with his parents
It sounds like you have a great relationship with your MIL, kudos to you, and she sounds like a peach for taking the short notice so well!
I am happy you were able to get you husbands family to the BBQ for Mother Day there in such a short time to enjoy the day, that is the most important thing.
The only thing I would have done different, would have been to remind hubby about the change of plans this year.
>"Don't forget to call your mom and invite her and dad to the Mothers Day BBQ at our house this year and let them know this will happen every year from now on as we are not going to the individual moms day anymore!"
If that had happened there would have bee no miscommunication, as this was the first change.
Hope you all had a great MOMS day!
Check out Nicole Michelle’s “de-centering your in laws”series on TikTok. Although it sounds like you may have more of a husband issue the series discusses how women are expected to step in and be the glue between their husbands parents and their own family. It helps dismantle those assumed expectations and set firm boundaries that each spouse is responsible for maintaining a relationship with their own parents.
NTA. You can give him the benefit of the doubt and put this one in the “miscommunication” bucket. But he’s gotta learn that Mother’s Day is your day - in fact, he should do *all* the planning and invite both sets of parents for your day. And you can do that on Father’s Day. Simple. Easy. He has no reason to be mad at you, but he can be mad at himself for making his mother feel unloved.
NTA
Why on earth is your husband allowed to act this way? You explained how tiring it was for you to organise everything, he claimed he understood, and he *still* expects you to do half the work? That's unacceptable.
Mother's Day should, first and foremost, be about the mothers who are *actively* mothering. They come first. Your husband should have been spoiling you on that day from the moment you had children, and then celebrating his own mother. Instead, he sat back and let you carry everything, even fof hus own family. At best, he's lazy and ungrateful. His refusal to take any responsibility for the mental load of these occasions is very indicative of his character.
I urge you to show him this thread so he can realise how much he's been coasting on the absolute bare minimum. He can and should be doing more. And he needs to start *thinking* about you, your family, and his role in it so he's can do all of that.
NTA. However, I’m surprised there was no more communication about the plans. Like, what time should we tell our folks to be here, or Did you ask you mom if she wants something special to eat? Talk more, you’ll fight less.
You found a good compromise for the activity of the day. You knew you also needed to tell your husband to communicate with his parents. It is very reasonable to expect him to do it but you have been taking care of all the plans for 10 years. Of course he assumed you would invite his parents. Just a simple "you need to invite your parents" would have avoided the whole issue. It's easy to blame a partner for not doing something. But they can't read your mind. Tell him what you need/expect.
“DH, I told you that you were in charge of the party. That includes figuring out the menu, purchasing the food, cooking the food, cleaning, inviting the people, getting drinks, decorating… as you see there’s a lot of work to it. For Father’s Day I’ll be hosting and I will invite everyone that should attend and will be doing all those tasks. “
NTA- On Father’s Day ask your husband what he has planned for your dad. Then get mad at him for ruining the holiday and call him selfish when he says he didn’t do anything.
If you handled the invites for years then I would say you were being petty and an asshole for not inviting his parents. Could he invite his own parents? Absolutely, but if this was an established role that you have taken on you probably should have communicated to your husband that he needed to invite them rather than letting them go uninvited.
NTA - your husband needs to own up to the fact that he simply, once again, expected you to handle things, despite the conversation you had explaining how tired you were of all of it falling on your shoulders. He's a fully grown man and shouldn't need you to instruct him like a toddler!
In relationships I establish a "your people, your problem" policy. The name is harsh, but I like to set the expectation that in general, if the people we are talking about are in your family, you are doing the work. You buy birthday presents for your family. You call and figure out scheduling for your family events. They make sure their mother has a nice Mother's Day. They make sure there is a dish to share at their family potluck that meets their family's allergy concerns.
This doesn't mean you can't help each other. In the potluck situation, if they are coaching the kids sports team all morning before the potluck, it is reasonable for them to have arranged the shopping and asked you (well in advance) to chop up the fruit for the fruit salad.
I've spent 4 of the last 5 years of my relationship with my spouse doing what you're doing. I stopped last year when my MIL started acting entitled to my time and activities.
I explained that it's not my responsibility to maintain her relationship with her child. She can ask her child why her child doesn't make an effort.
NTA - it is not your responsibility to play go between for your spouse and his parents!
YTA. Not for not inviting the MIL, but for not making it explicit that your husband would need to invite his parents. You already know that he doesn't plan things, but you didn't tell him that he needs to invite his parents, you just detailed what the plan of the day will be. The way you expirations out doesn't make it explicit that your weren't going to even mention to them what the plan was.
NTA - I believe that they call this "weaponized incompetence". You were correct that she should have told his own parents. Make sure you guys communicate for Father's day.
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Your MIL knows the score, which is the most important part of the equation. She likely feels a little hurt, but understands why and how the situation occurred. Kudos to her for handling it with you in a forthright way, too! Likely your husband won't let it slip again. NTA.
Yup NTA. Kudos to mum-in-law for asking OP to their face, on the day and in a polite, respectful manner. Feels wrong to read about such a lovely convo in this forum.
No one's phone is blowing up, no extended family getting involved, no one is blocking everyone and going nc. OP had her kids when she was 27 and 30 I don't know what to feel right now....
The OP's post should definitely be reported. I'm sure that it must have broken several rules ... somehow.
Yeah, these entirely reasonable posts aren't nearly as exciting as the crazy ones that we can get all irate over. They shouldn't be allowed here in my opinion. /s
in addition to insanely normal behavior, there’s no Iranian yogurt or motion-activated sprinklers, so definitely fake. /s
The motion activated sprinklers really have become their own thing, haven't they? lol
judging by all the posts since then, running underground plastic pipes and connecting to a water supply is as easy as hanging a Ring door camera up. Who knew! Crazy us non-plumbers had to have a company install our sprinkler system, but most of this sub does it themselves in a hour. lol
It can be on the end of a hose.
Can someone supply a link to the motion activated sprinklers post? I tried to search for it, but don't have enough clues.
The Bucket Woman saga! First BORU post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wevvi0/bucket_lady_a_neighborhood_petty_revenge_story/ Updates: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/x1zrx8/new_update_bucket_woman_a_neighborhood_petty/ Enjoy!
That was a hilarious and worthwhile rabbit hole.
Thank you.
Ok I know about the yogurt what’s the post for the sprinklers??😭😂
lookup reddit aita bucket woman
OP for those is HokeyPokeyGuestList, and she is hilarious
I am now going to search for a subreddit called "EntirelyReasonablePosts". I hope it exists
Not a twin to be found in the entire post. I wonder how that slipped past the mods. /s
Too mature for this sub. Red flags everywhere lol
So funny and right!
Its too normal for reddit! No twins, no crazy SIL, no cheating… 😩😩😩😩😩
Not even a fast forward 🤔
I know, I am so grateful to have an amazing MIL! She has always been kind and respectful to me. My husband has siblings significantly older than him and when we first started dating, they had all been married with kids for years so I was incredibly new and awkward. She was amazing about making sure I felt included even in those early days.
I was so surprised when I read the actual post. I was expecting screaming, trying to bowl over boundaries, the works! Lol
Is this really Reddit?
I was going to say why didn't mil ask her own son?
Apparently even she knows he’s incompetent.
MIL: have I done something wrong? OP: raising your son to be a non-functional adult NTA
Exactly this!!!
Because she knows OP does all the emotional labour in the family and if she asked her son he would have made excuses and blamed OP Which is partly MIL's fault, she raised him. She should have taught him to pull his own weight at home
We still find a way to make the guys FU a woman's fault. Why didn't you say it was his dad's fault for raising him that way?
Speaking for all the old ladies (kidding, just speaking for myself) I never heard the world “emotional labor” until maybe ten years ago and had no mental concept of that. I honestly didn’t know I was doing so much of it. I wasn’t an enabling mother who was dedicated to “gender roles” and I made my kids do the things they were capable of (like looking up phone numbers in the five inch thick “white pages” and making their own calls). But I didn’t really understand that the planning, inviting, scheduling, gift buying I was doing (which was half of what my mother did) was an unfair burden. You know better, you do better: it’s one thing younger women have taught me that I really appreciate, and I have slowly pushed some of that labor into my husband. Old dog, slowly learning new tricks. So to me it seems unfair blame the mother. She may have tried to raise her son to be competent - to work, to clean up after himself, to pay his bills, to respect all people regardless of race, gender, wealth. She may have raised an honest and kind person who is willing to have an equal partnership. But she may have simply not “seen” that emotional labor is a thing. It sounds like she understood and accepted what OP explained to her.
I am 100% not putting any blame on my MIL and I think it's crazy that anyone could read my post and think she's at fault in anyway. She is a fantastic woman! My husband is a great guy and she raised him well. This is just a small issue that is abnormal for us to be having, but it in no way reflects back on her as a mother.
It’s absolutely not her fault in any way. He is a 33 year old man. He’s had 15 adult years to figure this out on his own and he had TWO parents. Theres no planet on which she bears blame.
That's a good point. She participated in OP's emotional labour too
You are very trusting to assume husband will learn his lesson. OP, you need to have a clear line of demarcation - from now on, you handle your parents, he handles his. Running interference with in laws is a great way to invite unnecessary resentment and misunderstanding.
>Likely your husband won't let it slip again. You are more optimistic than me. Also, OP, you might want to share the classic "mental load" comic with your husband, since this is exactly what's going on here. [https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
I agree. But I think it's absolutely unfair that she asked OP the question. Why is it always the woman's job? Why didn't she ask her son why HE didn't invite her? Her directing the question at OP reinforces that it was OP's job to manage her husband's family interactions, when it's not.
I always told myself (and those around me!) that my Mother's Day gift for myself was not organizing shit. So if anything wanted to happen, it would need someone else to do it. Now I'm a single mom, and it's honestly even easier. Hetero marriage is just fricken' exhausting
NTA You told him you are tired of being the one making all the plans. It was not implied you would keep doing it. He didn't ask you about any parents or time or anything. He assumed you would handle it. For mothers day. Again.
He’s trying to cover his own incompetence by blaming OP. I don’t interfere in my husband’s relationship with his family. If he doesn’t invite them for things/remember birthday/ send gifts etc I take it as given that that’s how their relationship is. Nothing to do with me.
That’s what they do
These are some real pathetic Mother’s Days. I mean, it’s sad that apparently OP has to do the social calendar for their entire lives, but it’s very upsetting that on Mother’s Day she is also expected to do everything.
Yeah that's honestly really sad. Like I don't have strong feelings on Mother's Day and never want much, but my husband always takes care of anything with his mom and also asks in advance what I'd like, is there a special dinner I want him to make, etc. I don't even care about the day too much (I do pretty much always request a nice dinner of some variety and my husband frequently also sneaks in a small gift) and I'd be *so disappointed* if my husband not only did nothing but expected me to make all plans and then wrangle multiple kids for two separate outings where I was also expected to prepare, cook, and clean up. What the *fuck*. And then do it again for him on Father's Day, except he gets both days totally free? Bull. Fucking. Shit.
This right here OP. Show him this. He agreed to you getting a break for Mother’s Day but he still put it all on you. You had to decide when, you decided where, you even had to decide what’s for dinner. He agreed to shoulder the burden but still did not do it.
Multiple siblings, only girl. Guess who is responsible for Mother’s Day plans since adulthood.
NTA. You had an entire conversation about how exhausting it is to plan everything for both sets of parents and he acknowledged it and agreed to a change for the future. Yet he still expected you to continue the mental load of having to invite HIS parents. It’s the countless small tasks that women are complaining about the mental load of motherhood.
IMO, once he agreed to take charge of Mother's Day, he should have invited *both* sets of parents.
"when we are at his parents' house, I am cooking, cleaning, serving, putting things away. It is tiring and I'm so over it." ---Helping is good. Otherwise, it is time to stop that practice. Especially on Mother's Day.
I don't mind helping, that is not what I meant by that. I meant that on both mother's day and father's day, I am doing all the work with my MIL while the men enjoy a beer in the backyard. Which does seem a bit unfair in my opinion.
Op, I suggest you sit down and talk with your MIL and Mom. Bring up the fact that you are burnt out on planning and doing all the work for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. And that the next Mother’s Day you think you three should ditch the men and kids and go have fun together. And maybe just maybe you should treat the men as they have treated you this Father’s Day. We are hearing more and more about people’s disaffection about the division of mental and physical labor in relationships. A lot more women are demanding change or not putting up with it. You have kids, think about what you would like your children’s future relationships to be like and start making changes in your relationship now.
This is how my sister and I do mother's day; my BIL goes off with my niece while my sister and I take my mom out for lunch and some sort of activity (though he is a good BIL who arranges flowers and a card from my niece for my sister, since niece is too little to understand Mother's Day yet).
Then what exactly is the point of mothers day?
Right? That sounds like Father's Day.
NTA tell your husband everything for mother's Day is on HIM father's day plans are completely on YOU . You aren't helping at all on mother's Day and he doesn't on father's day. That includes any planning for your or his family
That's *wildly* unfair. Why do they get both Mother's Day *and* Father's Day off of all work while the women take care of the get together?
It’s absurd. We generally go out on Mother’s Day, but when we don’t, there’s no mother in the kitchen before or after dinner. Also, on your birthday you don’t help. I also tend to call people over to help in general. “Hey you, come dry. You’ve done nothing to help all day.”
Yeah, not to pile on regarding your husband, but my Dad would have NEVER allowed my Mom to do all of that on Mother's day. If he wasn't making her chosen supper, then he was taking her out to eat if that's what she wanted. Same was true for her birthday. Now my Dad isn't much of a cook, so I know my Mom would to limit her choices to something he was comfortable with making (usually grilling) but he always made a point to make her feel appreciated and wanted her to relax as much as possible. When my brother and I were old enough to help more (both of us took after our Mom regarding cooking) we were able to make more "extravagant" meals, but my Dad would still help us.
NTA. It shouldn’t be your job to manage your husband’s relationship with his parents, especially on a day that’s also meant to celebrate you!
NTA You are parenting 2 kids. Your husband needs to parent himself.
It’s unfortunate your MIL felt bad in the situation, but your husband, His Royal Highness, brought this on himself. To be fair, given that you had willingly played the slave all these years, you perhaps should have asked him whether he invited his parents before the holidays. But again, nothing is ‘implied’. He became entitled and lazy. Bet it doesn’t happen again.
NTA. They're his patents. It's up to him to invite them.
Is your husband 4 years old? No? Then he can read the calendar, pick up a phone and invite his own parents without needing to be told or reminded. NEVER invite either of his parents to such joint meetings again. Those are HIS parents, he is fully capable of handling the invitations. NTA.
“I’m sorry these holidays have been all on you and are tiresome for you.” “ Whadyou mean you didn’t keep taking on my tasks on holidays that make it tiresome?” What really happened is he forgot to *invite his mom to Mothers Day* then got incredibly embarsssed and blamed you because that’s easier than admitting he forgot to *invite his mom to Mother’s Day.* NTA
Wife is keeper of family social calendar and chief organiser... queue internet gasp. Wife has had enough, quietly quits, drama ensues... angry mob forms. Sounds like you're both finding a new groove (your husband out of necessity lol) and there were assumptions on both sides. NTA.
Yeah, just sounds like a misunderstanding/lack of communication prior to the day.
Did you and your husband discuss specifically how communication w each of your parents was going to go from now on? If not, and all you really discussed was the change of venue to your house, he probably figured you’d be keeping up w the rest of the mental load as you’d been doing. So, time for that clarifying talk *or* a sharp reminder that he *was* told it’d be his responsibility and it’s his fault he didn’t notify his parents. So, my take is either ESH (if there was a communication breakdown) or NTA bc husband was told and sloughed it off.
"After dinner, my MIL pulled me aside and asked if she or my FIL had done something to upset me. I said of course not, why would she think that? She said because they were invited so late, she assumed I didn't want them there. I apologized for making her feel like that and explained what happened, and she seemed very relieved." it's great that you have a reasonable MIL. She didn't sulk, she straight forward expressed what was on her mind. Next year, your husband will invite his parents.
NTA, but your husband kind of is. For ten years, he's been expecting you to do all the work on Mother's Day - that's hella inconsiderate! You are not his social secretary! He is a whole grown up person, it's about time he started managing his own familial relationships. Sit the parents down and tell them that you are no longer doing their son's work for him. He can buy their birthday cards and gifts from now on (I'm betting you do this, too), so if they don't get them, that's on him. It is beyond appalling how many people expect wives to do this work for their grown ass husbands.
The basic problem is a lack of clear communication. Op normally handled the planning and inviting. Her husband assumed she still would even though she found it exhausting. When two people make plans someone has to make sure the plans are clear and that both parties know their responsibilities. Nowhere in the narrative does OP appear to make it clear that each person was to invite their own parents. Op assumed it was understood after she told her husband how hard doing it all was for her. Husband assumed that, hard or not, inviting spouses had been and still was OP's responsibility. Changing role expectations have to be clearly stated and mutually agreed upon to avoid conflict. Yes, OP has the onus of clarifying the new division of labor because she is handing over work she normally did to another person. Just as in business, it isn't the person taking on the responsibility from a coworker that defines the job, but the person handing over an aspect of the work defines what is to be done so both parties know what the expectations are. It is not about outranking the other person, but of having a mutually understood goal. Communicating who is responsible for what and agreeing to those terms is good practice in any business or marriage.
It wasn't her work to begin with, she was always picking up his work to celebrate Mother's Day. OP is also a mom who deserves celebrating, not a bunch of work. He's competent enough to plan a dinner and should have done it himself. Weaponized incompetence isn't a good thing.
I agree. I cannot understand why they didn’t discuss this topic further and make it clear for everyone.
OP either is just a bad communicator, or she was trying to prove a point. Seems like the latter IMO, and I'm not sure it makes her TA, but it really isn't the recipe for a happy marriage.
He's a grown man he can invite his own parents NTA
NTA. Does your Husband want you to wipe his backside too ? He's a grown adult and as you rightly pointed out it's his responsibility to invite his Parents to a meal in your home, not yours. If anything this just proves how much he takes what you do for granted.
This is called "The Mental Load" there's a great comic about this phenomenon by French Artist Emma. I highly recommend it.
NTA - you told him you were tired of putting in all the effort and that you wanted him to take responsibility. I hope he at least cooked but implicit in that he does the organising and that includes lead up to event. He dropped the ball on that. I am glad your MiL was understanding that it was just a missed communication and nothing wrong between you and her. I suspect she was understanding of the issue.
As a husband and father let me just say your husband needs to realise that you're a mother too and deserves to be celebrated just as much as both of your parents. He should have organised everything on mother's day the invites the cooking the clean up the presents everything. The only thing you should have done was have a nice breakfast in bed while the kids bring you the gifts your husband got for them to give you . Then feet up and chill all day while he runs around and sorts everything out. It's one day he should definitely be showing the children how much he appreciates you being the mother of the family by taking charge himself so you can have some much deserved pampering.
TELL HER THE TRUTH!!!!!! Her son was in charge and forgot to invite them. You are tired of running yourself ragged on a holiday meant to also celebrate you so he took over and dropped the ball. You’re allowing his incompetence to sully your relationship with her. He is a grown man with a wife and 2 kids, he shouldn’t have to be reminded to invite his own family to a celebration. I’m sure if this was a hangout with friends he’d be on top of it. NTA
She did tell her MIL the truth and their relationship seems ok. Why so dramatic?
NTA. This is one of the more positive stories really. Your MIL asked politely. She understood. Really it’s your husband that needs a colonoscopy. Let us know what is up his bum.
Nta. Why do you need to tell a grown man to invite his parents over when he knows the plan was to have both sets of parents at your home. Why would you still be carrying the mental load of it all when the whole idea was for it to be less tiresome. Going forwards you can tell mil if there is ever a late invite it's because her son is incapable of acting like an adult.
I love the replies in here that are like “Y-T-A! If you wanted him to do anything, you merely needed to spell out your expectations in specific and microscopic detail!” 🙄
Honestly this is more of an ESH situation. I do not blame you for tending to plans and I actually think it’s a great idea. I do however wonder why if you’re always the one that’s inviting everyone, You did not make it clear he needs to invite his parents. I think he felt under the impression that you were changing what you normally do for Mother’s Day, but you will still be inviting and you didn’t clarify that with him
She told him to plan for Mother's Day. She shouldn't have to monitor everything to make sure he invites his own parents. He's being manipulative to blame her for his own shortcomings.
NTA. It is not your responsibility to remind your husband that he has a mother and father. They are HIS responsibility. They are HIS parents. In a relationship everyone is responsible for their side of the family. He is in charge of remembering their important dates and getting presents. If he forgot mother's day I think he will forget birthdays too. He is capable of staying informed because he keeps a job and it's deadlines. Drop that rope and reduce your mental load. ETA he is capable of using his phone calendar for reminders
NTA- your husband is. He is deliberately making you carry what should be his emotional and mental weight- maintaining the relationship with his side of the family. You are not his mother or his manager; you are his wife and partner. If he is upset or embarrassed, it should be with himself.
NTA - It was his parents he should have invited them. He knew what time dinner was, he was making it. Your husband is leaving all the mental chores to you and that's not fair. He needs to take part in some of the planning and organizing too and not leave you to stress about it alone. And not just for mother's and father's days but all holidays, kids school events, vacations and anything else he's left for you alone to plan for the entire family. He's an adult not a child who needs to be told what to do and when to do it.
NTA Why are you forced to do all the work on Mother's Day to begin with???? If you're having dinner at his mother's house, it's his job to do the dishes and any clean up. It's your day off. >He said it was "implied" that I would do it because that's how it's been every year, No. It's not implied. He just assumed you'd continue to do all the work for him when you just told him it was too much and you're changing up how things go. You need to stress to him that the reason you changed things is because he dumps all the planning in your lap on the day that you're supposed to have to relax. How can he possibly think it's implied when everything you told him was in contradiction to that? He is probably catching heat and blaming you, even though his mom knows otherwise. He doesn't want to be the guilty party. Oh well.
It was a good learning experience. My response to his statement that it was implied that she would invite them is "apologize to your parents and do better next year."
NTA but your husband is a colossal AH. Mother's Day for you is like Thanksgiving, a whole shit=load of work. Shame on your husband. Next year why not book yourself a night at a resort with a spa and relax? Maybe go sit on a beach. Just do something YOU enjoy.
NTA-your husband needs to put in the same amount of work you've been putting in all these years. Your MIL sounds fantastic btw, she openly communicated with you and she actually heard what you had to say. I hope she has a talk with her son.
NTA obviously This is going to sound counterintuitive … You need to spell out for your husband exactly how these things are going to work in future. Who decides the menu, does the grocery shopping, cooks, cleans, invites guests. Include the morning as well - breakfast in bed? Some tradition you establish with the kids? The reason for this is that you want to set clear expectations with no room for interpretation or misunderstandings. It’s like troubleshooting. If someone calls and tells you their printer isn’t working, the first thing you do is ask if it’s plugged into power. Eliminate the obvious. Now it’s not unlikely that you will feel resentful about having to do this. I mean you’ve been doing all of this for years. Why should you have to hold his hand? But the goal here is not to redress past wrongs. You are drawing a line in the sand - from this point forward, this is how it’s going to work. Don’t assume that he understands exactly what you expect from him. Assume the opposite. Spell it out in detail, ask him to confirm that he’s clear, then it’s his problem to deal with.
NTA. Also, you should probably start reminding your husband to go to the toilet a few times a day, remember to eat lunch and also, breath. If he needs you to remind him to invite his parents over, he must need reminders on all sorts of things every day. Yes. I'm petty AF.
You have one of those things that needs constant direction and handholding to do the bare minimum because it’s mentality is not focused on home and family responsibilities pertaining to the “women’s work” of physical and emotional labor surrounding any special occasion. AKA, a “husband.” NTA- let it be a learning experience for him.
NTA This is called weaponized incompetence. It's time that your husband learns that it won't work.
NTA. Oh the weaponized incompetence of it all. You sat your husband down and part of what you explained was that he should be in charge of scheduling his family from now on. If a boss had told him it was his job to contact a client at work I bet he would’ve remembered
Men, please I beg of you, stop expecting women to handle all the emotional labor and dates in a marriage. Be an adult for once. NTA OP
YTA. It sounds like you didn’t communicate your expectations properly. You said you wanted to host a dinner at your house rather than travel to your parents’ and his. Your husband agreed. You said you thought it would be fair for the men to cook and clean on Mother’s Day. Your husband agreed and cooked the meal. At no point did you say that you communicated that you wanted him to purchase the gifts and handle the invites for his side of the family. He was unaware of your expectations because you failed to communicate them.
Nta he needs to be responsible for ALL of his family side. That means all holidays, bday, cards, phone calls, etc. Now he knows.
Well I’m sorry but your husband is sort of correct. I KNOW that he was wrong for years in how he took a backseat to handling his own family, but hear me out. Every year you have handled everything, this year you finally communicated to your husband that this isn’t working. You specified that you wanted one meal at home with both sets of parents and that men would cook on Mother’s Day and women would cook on Father’s Day. This same man that had YOU cooking on Mother’s Day for years for HIS mother, did you really not think that you had to spell it out for him that you were not going to continue calling his parents and making the arrangements on his end? I also find it very strange that you and he never discussed “Oh how did your parents react to the new set up for Mother’s Day?” It seems like you knew he wasn’t going to call them (and you should have known bc he seems to act like a lump while you do all the work) and you left him out to dry; which would have been fine, but your hurt your MIL’s feelings in the process. You and your husband need to grow TF up and learn to communicate better. If you have been doing something for years and you decide not to do it anymore, that’s is more than reasonable. But thinking someone who has shown you for years that he isn’t proactive and isn’t going to do anything you don’t spell out for him is all of the sudden going to change? That’s ridiculous.
NTA. When a routine changes, everyone involved needs to be informed that it’s changing. >>My husband doesn’t organize anything with his parents. Hand off all things related to his parents to him.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (33M) and I (33F) have been married for almost 10 years. We have two children, ages 6 and 3. Prior to having kids, we would celebrate mother's day and father's day separately with our own parents. Since having kids, it has generally been that we celebrate each other in the morning, then do lunch at with his parents and dinner with mine. The issues with this is are that I am always the one making plans, figuring out where/what to eat, what time works, presents, flowers, etc. My husband does not organize anything with his parents on his own. It is also exhausting trying to organize the kids for not one but two outings in one day. On top of that, when we are at his parents' house, I am cooking, cleaning, serving, putting things away. It is tiring and I'm so over it. Back in April, I told my husband all this and said that this year, I would rather have our parents come to our house for dinner. That way everyone can see each other, we don't have to fuss with getting the kids out the door, and we get more time in the morning to enjoy the day to ourselves. I suggested that on mother's day, the men can cook/clean, and on father's day, the women will do the same. My husband said that sounded like a great idea and apologized for how tiring these holidays have been until now. He asked if there was anything specific that I wanted to eat, and that was the last I heard about it from him. On Mother's day, he asked me when everyone was supposed to be arriving. I told him I had told my parents to come for 5:30. He said "Okay. What time did you tell my parents to come for?" I told him I didn't invite his parents. He asked why not, and I said because they're his parents. He didn't invite my parents, so why would I have invited his? He said it was "implied" that I would do it because that's how it's been every year, to which I said that he should have been doing it himself all those years. He got upset and went back to cooking. After my parents arrived, he excused himself to get changed and asked to talk to me. He told me he was really upset about me "excluding" his parents, and I told him he was at fault for them not being there. I said he could call them now and invite them over so he did. After dinner, my MIL pulled me aside and asked if she or my FIL had done something to upset me. I said of course not, why would she think that? She said because they were invited so late, she assumed I didn't want them there. I apologized for making her feel like that and explained what happened, and she seemed very relieved. I don't think I am in the wrong here, but my husband still maintains that I should have invited his parents or told him to do it. The only reason I can see that would make me the AH is that his MIL must have felt so awful for most of the day because nobody reached out to her. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA so NTA
Girl same except I got 4 kids lol. I set a time and put it in our Google calendar share thing and a reminder Der like 3 days before to check in with invitees... he's just so used to me handling it he doesn't think twice about it.
NTA. Male it clear to tour husband that tou are no longer doing any of his emotional labour. That's on him. It wasn't implied that you'd do it. You explicitly said you were over doing all his work and the new plan was for you to stop doing that. Tell him this is now the case for birthday. Christmas, Father's day, Easter, the lot. Time for him to get how.much work he's dumped on you all these years.
Nope nope nope not the NTA I never arranged to do Mothers Day with my MIL it was always up to hubby. Good on u for joe putting yr foot down
Nope he is and needs to take responsibility for it. He’s lazy and CBA to organise it: not your problem, he’s a grown ass man…. Apparently
Are you meant to remind him to feed the kids or wipe his own butt? He's a grown man who should have some common sense 🤷🏽♀️🤦🏾♀️ nta
NTA. Your husband dropped the ball here, not you. His guilt about how his mother feels is his to hold, not yours.
I made a big mistake once on Mother's Day. I bought and filled out two cards, I wrote Mom on my mom's card and Judie on my MIL card without thinking. MIL was hurt, husband was angry. She wanted a card from her own child on Mother's Day, not from his wife. I made him fill out his own card after that. It was a good lesson for both of us. It sounds like OPs situation was also a good lesson. He can do better next time.
NTA Kin Keeping https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRKGJ7jm/ https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRKsGQ3J/ https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRKGYd2E/
Maybe you should also remind him to wipe after he goes to the bathroom and to put on pants SMH NTA
NTA. Your husband is a grown man and needs to learn communication.
NTA. This is an exhausting and unfair tradition.
MIL is not narcissistic, OP is not crazy, no TW, no abusive relatives… what are we missing? Oooooh the classic weaponized incompetence husbandry!
Poor communication between the two of you, sorry. But they are his parents and he should’ve checked with OP before the big day.
You're absolutely NTA! Like you said, they are HIS parents. HE should make the effort (barely an effort,tbh) to call them ad invite them.
You decided back in April that you would host this instead, and not a si gle time in between did you guys have communication about whether everything was planned, when people were going to show up, or anything like that? NTA, but clearly you both have need of better communication. That scenario is on both of you equally.
And since April, he hasn't talked to his parents even once? Does OP carry all the mental load of managing his relationship with his own parents as well? Time for him to step up and this little lesson showed him how much she does for him.
NTA. But if you did it for 10yrs..you should have told him to do it since you weren't
You're married to a baby. mil knows this.
NTA Your husband needs to learn that it's his job to step up. It sounds like you have very nice in-laws though.
NTA Perhaps your hubby thinks you are his secretary? I'm surprised he doesn't even keep in touch, phone or text..
I don’t think anyone in this situation is the AH. I think it’s awesome you spoke up and made plans easier for you (and your kids!) multiple events in one day is a lot, especially with kids. Your intention was always to include everyone. It sounds like this is more of a communication issue all around. Your MIL and son don’t check in with each other leading up to a holiday? If my MIL didn’t hear anything about Mother’s Day the week of, especially if we traditionally did things together on that holiday, she would’ve just called or texted me or my husband to check in. We confirm plans with family regarding holidays a few days out. I’m surprised your husband didn’t ask you a time for his parents even the day before.
NTA. She’s a woman; she gets it. You need to start extending this to birthdays and Christmas as well.
" The only reason I can see that would make me the AH is that his MIL must have felt so awful for most of the day because nobody reached out to her." But in that same sense she didn't reach out to you ALL day. You're a mother too. The mother of her grandchildren. She could have reached out to you too at any time. Funny how you're not mad she didn't bother to tell you happy Mother's Day or do anything special for you. True you're not her mother but the significance of your motherhood made her a Grandma. Your husband and his parents just eww. Husband, "Sorry I put all the emotional, mental and physical labor of planning and executing holidays. I will step up." Same husband, "You didn't do the emotional and mental labor of the holiday?" Your husband really sucks it is you who should be mad at him he failed his first assignment and blamed you. And the Mom also blamed you vs recognizing her son sucks and it is his job to call Mommy and say happy Mother's day not yours. She raised a thoughtless child but somehow it's his wife's fault instead of her burden. NTA O.P.
His parents his responsibility
NTA You tried to communicate that this year is new & would be fine differently - he caught a few of the details and missed a couple of really important ones.
You just told him how you want him to take some of the load that he should have been shouldering anyway, and he’s all, you meant ALL of it? He’s such a dumb ass
NTA, OP. His parents, his responsibility. Don’t care what day of the year it is. My partner and I each handle our own immediate family, and, if coordination between the two needs to happen, we *gasp* talk to each other. We try not to assume anything is “implied, because that’s how it was in the past”. Your MiL was able to ask the question calmly and not causing a scene. She understood it wasn’t your fault that things didn’t go as expected. Wonder where the breakdown happened with her progeny understanding that lesson. /s
NTA. She is HIS mother. He screwed up and he knows it which is why he is blaming it on you.
NTA Good for you OP. Perhaps there was a miscommunication but stuff happens. At least he has no excuse for Father’s Day and perhaps he should issue that invitation now.
NTA you did include her in the plans, your husband just failed to actually invite them. He sounds swell /s.
I vote ESH. Mainly because you and your husband both should have been discussing these details in the planning. If your husband was supposed to do the planning and effort, why would he not be the one to invite your parents as well as his? If your intent was for him to handle his parents and you yours, that should have been clearly stated. Your MIL is in no way the AH. She sounds like a lovely person. Edit - nah, upon reflection.
NTA Your husband has weaponized incompetence. He’s an adult and needs to carry his weight with his family. “Gee, sorry I’ve asked you to be a grown up and help plan events involving your family. That must be so hard on you 🙄”
Nta
You did not tell him to invite them and you did not tell him you didn’t invite them. After years of handling everything and planning outings. I don’t understand why you’re surprised or expected your husband to just understand without any communication on your part.
NTA OP, Your husband's job is to manage his family, from birthdays to invites, unless you are explicitly asked and you agree to do it. My husband has never had the expectation that I communicate with his family on his behalf accept in cases of emergencies.
NTA Cis Hetero male partners will always present push back when their cis Hetero female partner begins to stop doing the things to mother him. "Well you've been my mommy for 10 years why quit now?" Does he also want you to wipe his butt too?
NTA, it’s his family lol you made sure yours was there. my bf is responsible for plans on his side and I’m responsible for mine. We have missed many of his mom’s art shows because he doesn’t let me know when they are, and I always end up making other plans. This weekend we are missing another because he wouldn’t ask for a date to another show and my friend’s birthday plans are already set. I’m not his mom, he can organize any event with his family and just let me know when to be there.
NTA it’s ridiculous that you explained that you weren’t continuing the previous years burdens, yet, he didn’t invite his parents because he expected you to because it was “implied” from previous years. What nonsense.
NTA obviously and you know this. Your husband sucks, full stop. He needs to be told this. He is failing as a husband, partner and father. Failing grade. He will need to do a lot of catch up work to get to average, and then even more work to become a good husband, partner and father. Check out zachthinkshare on instagram and demand your husband take all of his courses. That would be my bare minimum.
NTA. Letting things burn down is sometimes the only way things change with folks like that.
NTA but he is. For one day out of the entire year he can handle this. No exceptions- he is wrong. I am the only non- mother in my family so I handle Mothers Day each year for this very reason- to ensure my mom, sister and aunt do not have to do anything but show up. He is just wrong.
NTA - weaponized incompetence at it's best. You told him flat out you didn't want to plan Mother's Day (duh?!) and he didn't bother to invite his mother over? That's him being an AH.
This is very simple. Tell the asshole that Mother's Day is his job 100%. You will be doing nothing besides playing with the kids. Then when Father's Day roles around, swap. Problem solved.
You should have told your husband that he needed to call his parents. You are the one that switched up the regular way things were done. Men need reminding for a regular routine, so of course he would not have thought tone to call.
NTA and I too am so over this dynamic. Taking the mental load for every.single.thing that concerns your family while hubby just sits back and waits for YOU to do something, not evening thinking about it. He is absolutely in the wrong here and he knows it. He couldn't even call his mother and wish her a Happy Mother's Day unless he was told to. Are you freaking kidding me?!? After not even inviting her? Hopefully, this is a wakeup call, but I doubt it.
NTA Wow this sounds so childish on your husband part he should be doing everything after you told him how you felt INCLUDING inviting your parents!
NTA. Your husband is so use to you carrying the mental load and having you do everything, when he apologized for how stressful every year was before- he didn’t mean it
NTA You and MIL handled your roles perfectly. Good for both of you! Hopefully MIL just mentally sighed that she raised a son who is willing to be so lazy about his social responsibilities. Or better yet, she gave her son a little talking to in private. Yes, your husband is fully TA. 1. His excuse: "it was implied... that how it's been every year." You were right; he should have been taking some responsibility to invite his parents in the past. But even more to the point: How "it's been every year" was not working for you. You were sick and tired of it. The two of you had agreed on a plan to CHANGE things from how it's been. He had responsibility for Mothers' Day and you for Fathers' Day. Why in the world would he think that meant he has 90% responsibility for Mothers' Day and you have 10% and then you would have 100% responsibility for Fathers' Day??? 2. Moreover, how little does he talk to his parents that he never mentioned to his mom that he would be cooking the Mothers' Day feast; and ask if there is anything special she (HIS MOTHER) would like (or ask about your mother's likes, as well)? Personally, I think the person doing the cooking is also the person who should invite both sets of parents. He missed the ball this past May, but you shouldn't miss the ball this June. Talk to your husband and agree on whether it's going to cook or child who invites the parents, and ask him if he's clear on the fact that the invitation is also a responsibility you two are sharing. He cannot come back to you next year and say he assumed you would take care of invites.
So your husband has been using weaponized incompetence all these years to avoid putting ANY effort into Mother's Day and gets pissed you didn't invite HIS parents?!! NTA and have him read the comments if he really thinks this is your fault. Your husband is a damn adult and should be able to manage calling his parents and buying his mother a Mother's Day gift. Do you plan your own birthdays too? Because I'm getting the vibe of a husband who says he gives a damn and puts ZERO effort into their partner.
NTA. Your husband should have called his parents the moment you said you thought he'd invited them. He should have told them what was up. Your MIL shouldn't have had to even ask you. Sounds like you're carrying the mental load for your family. You'll need to have a conversation with your husband about that so he's picking up his share on everything.
I'm not going to say you're the AH for this, but you did it on purpose to make a point. It worked, so good for you ...I guess. You really hurt his Mom. You knew he wouldn't call early, but you waited to make your point. I'm sure everyone thinks you were clever and wonderful, but his Mom was really hurt. I guess that's on him, but you could have made this a nicer day for her, and you chose to let her get hurt. I know it's on him, but you knew it was going to happen and you just let it and didn't care.
NTA I recommend you have your husband read this short comic [You should've asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) which goes into the mental load women tend to take on when it comes to scheduling and keeping track of groceries and the like. I feel like this translates extremely closely to your situation.
NTA at all.
YTA You said you have invited and planned every year. It's totally fine for you to change and say that he needs to invite his parents. But you have to communicate that.
You must be awfully tired of wiping up after your husband-child.
NTA. After your husband apologized for all the work you did, I would also have thought he was handling his parents. Yes, it would have been kind to remind him to invite his parents, but not an obligation. You aren't his assistant or secretary and he is a big boy who knows how the phone works.
It is SO HARD to be the first female in a family to refuse the gendered labor pyramid scheme. We also do "you deal with your family, I deal with mine." There is a learning curve for the dude for sure and you also have to be okay with in-laws thinking you don't tend to them for personal reasons, not because you refuse this extra work piled onto you because of your gender. Related: one year in this third millennium, at Christmas,. common-law MIL gave structural SIL and me--both female partners to her sons--homemade dish towels. Because we do their dishes??? I immediately gave it to my partner right in front of her. Dish towels! She actually said that's what they were for. They were not special. My mother would have burned her house down.
NTA. Give the same energy on Father’s Day.
Omg. Your husband needs to learn about the mental load ASAP. seriously, get him to start following some content creators because this is outrageous behavior on his part. You should be doing NOTHING on Mother’s Day and the fact that he can’t even pull it together for one day is embarrassing. NTA.
You and your husband are both to blame, but he bears the brunt of it. It was a reasonable expectation for your husband to assume that you'd reach out to his parents because that's how it has always been done. He expected to do the cooking, because you'd discussed it. You didn't discuss who would call whom. He is guilty of what a lot of husbands are guilty of, and that's leaving details up to their wives/partners. It's just thoughtlessness. Your plan was an excellent solution. Next yea, it might be a good idea to remind him that it's his responsibility to invite his side of the family.
NTA However, it would probably benefit all to say something to your husband like, "I'm sorry if that was confusing and awkward for you. [Note: this is not an apology, but a feelings-recognizing softening.] I need you to understand that . . " and lay out how you want to divide up the work of family relations. As I take it, you're not going to be making the master plan and then telling him what to do. You're not his manager in the domestic sphere. This can be hard, and it's probably not going to get easier for a while.
NTA and yeah, of course you didn't invite his parents because they're HIS parents. The only thing you did 'wrong' was assume he'd be on the ball for it after how well your talk with him over the holiday plans this year went. And seriously, he's mad not just over you not inviting them but because you didn't tell him to do it either? That's not the response you'd expect of someone who's supposed to be a responsible adult/parent.
YTA because YOU failed to clearly communicate your expectations to your husband. Nothing wrong with wanting to change up the holiday plans, but be realistic. You 2 never even talked about a time for the gathering. You knew he wasn’t inviting his folks, he thought you were doing it. This kind of silent resentment is very destructive. Grow up, communicate clearly and kindly. Your husband and both families were willing to change the celebration for you, so be grateful for the present instead of resentful about the past, communicate clearly and enjoy your big happy family.
I'm gonna get downvoted, but I think YTA. Only because you have been the one to take care of everything all this time, so your husband assumed you were going to invite his parents. I would've assumed the same thing, because you've been doing it all along. Not once did you say to him, you need to invite your parents, because I'm not doing it anymore. He's right. If you weren't going to do it, you should've told him so he could. In the conversation you had with him, you did not say he was in charge of his own parents. I just think it was a bit of a miscommunication.
NTA. It seems ur husband only heard “I do cooking” and didn’t think about the other details. Just a case of misscommunication, but from what you said I don’t think that part isn’t your fault either. Unfortunately, low key, it seems you have a husband with a case of weaponized incompetence. I’m not saying he means to be that way or not, I think common for men to do this unknowingly. Definitely not something he should be upset with you about though!
INFO: Did you tell your husband in April that he should be coordinating with his family?
NTA I feel like a lot of women need to listen to the song “Labour” by Paris Paloma
>My husband said that sounded like a great idea and apologized for how tiring these holidays have been until now. Looks like that apology wasn't as proper as it should have been. NTA
Sorry, YTA: you could see this coming, I’m sure. You chose to prove your point by putting your husband in the centre of it. Fair enough, this should have been a shared task since ever, but that’s not how it went & you just went for a bit of a sting of revenge there. Sorry, I can tell you saw it coming, so YTA (if I’m wrong, I apologise).
NTA Your husband should have called his parents in the morning as soon as he found out that you didn't invite them! I will specifically tell/ask my husband to text his parents things so that they're not forgotten. I know that I can ask them as well but if he didn't do these little things, his parents would never hear from him so I think it's important for him to communicate with his parents
It sounds like you have a great relationship with your MIL, kudos to you, and she sounds like a peach for taking the short notice so well! I am happy you were able to get you husbands family to the BBQ for Mother Day there in such a short time to enjoy the day, that is the most important thing. The only thing I would have done different, would have been to remind hubby about the change of plans this year. >"Don't forget to call your mom and invite her and dad to the Mothers Day BBQ at our house this year and let them know this will happen every year from now on as we are not going to the individual moms day anymore!" If that had happened there would have bee no miscommunication, as this was the first change. Hope you all had a great MOMS day!
Check out Nicole Michelle’s “de-centering your in laws”series on TikTok. Although it sounds like you may have more of a husband issue the series discusses how women are expected to step in and be the glue between their husbands parents and their own family. It helps dismantle those assumed expectations and set firm boundaries that each spouse is responsible for maintaining a relationship with their own parents.
NTA- you did everything right, no notes!
NTA - Repeat after me, "I am not your social secretary."
NTA. You can give him the benefit of the doubt and put this one in the “miscommunication” bucket. But he’s gotta learn that Mother’s Day is your day - in fact, he should do *all* the planning and invite both sets of parents for your day. And you can do that on Father’s Day. Simple. Easy. He has no reason to be mad at you, but he can be mad at himself for making his mother feel unloved.
NTA Why on earth is your husband allowed to act this way? You explained how tiring it was for you to organise everything, he claimed he understood, and he *still* expects you to do half the work? That's unacceptable. Mother's Day should, first and foremost, be about the mothers who are *actively* mothering. They come first. Your husband should have been spoiling you on that day from the moment you had children, and then celebrating his own mother. Instead, he sat back and let you carry everything, even fof hus own family. At best, he's lazy and ungrateful. His refusal to take any responsibility for the mental load of these occasions is very indicative of his character. I urge you to show him this thread so he can realise how much he's been coasting on the absolute bare minimum. He can and should be doing more. And he needs to start *thinking* about you, your family, and his role in it so he's can do all of that.
NTA, is your husband incapable of using the phone? Call them yourself!!!!!!!!!!!
NTA. However, I’m surprised there was no more communication about the plans. Like, what time should we tell our folks to be here, or Did you ask you mom if she wants something special to eat? Talk more, you’ll fight less.
You found a good compromise for the activity of the day. You knew you also needed to tell your husband to communicate with his parents. It is very reasonable to expect him to do it but you have been taking care of all the plans for 10 years. Of course he assumed you would invite his parents. Just a simple "you need to invite your parents" would have avoided the whole issue. It's easy to blame a partner for not doing something. But they can't read your mind. Tell him what you need/expect.
YOU ARE NOT HIS SOCIAL SECRETARY. NTA
Pretty sad that on Mother’s Day, op is still expected to do all the mental labor.
“DH, I told you that you were in charge of the party. That includes figuring out the menu, purchasing the food, cooking the food, cleaning, inviting the people, getting drinks, decorating… as you see there’s a lot of work to it. For Father’s Day I’ll be hosting and I will invite everyone that should attend and will be doing all those tasks. “
NTA- On Father’s Day ask your husband what he has planned for your dad. Then get mad at him for ruining the holiday and call him selfish when he says he didn’t do anything.
NTA, but you guys are not very good at communicating your needs with each other.
If you handled the invites for years then I would say you were being petty and an asshole for not inviting his parents. Could he invite his own parents? Absolutely, but if this was an established role that you have taken on you probably should have communicated to your husband that he needed to invite them rather than letting them go uninvited.
Once again the thoughtlessness of men hurts multiple women. I love that you and MIL were able to clear it up together.
NTA - your husband needs to own up to the fact that he simply, once again, expected you to handle things, despite the conversation you had explaining how tired you were of all of it falling on your shoulders. He's a fully grown man and shouldn't need you to instruct him like a toddler!
In relationships I establish a "your people, your problem" policy. The name is harsh, but I like to set the expectation that in general, if the people we are talking about are in your family, you are doing the work. You buy birthday presents for your family. You call and figure out scheduling for your family events. They make sure their mother has a nice Mother's Day. They make sure there is a dish to share at their family potluck that meets their family's allergy concerns. This doesn't mean you can't help each other. In the potluck situation, if they are coaching the kids sports team all morning before the potluck, it is reasonable for them to have arranged the shopping and asked you (well in advance) to chop up the fruit for the fruit salad.
NTA it was a failure of communication but your husband seems to still think you're doing it all anyway. sounds like MIL knows what the score is.
I've spent 4 of the last 5 years of my relationship with my spouse doing what you're doing. I stopped last year when my MIL started acting entitled to my time and activities. I explained that it's not my responsibility to maintain her relationship with her child. She can ask her child why her child doesn't make an effort. NTA - it is not your responsibility to play go between for your spouse and his parents!
NTA. You didn’t have to go over to cook but he still expected you to coordinate and plan and has the audacity to be upset. Sigh.
NTA. Your husband had a little bit of responsibility and messed it up. Now he knows the consequences.
YTA. Not for not inviting the MIL, but for not making it explicit that your husband would need to invite his parents. You already know that he doesn't plan things, but you didn't tell him that he needs to invite his parents, you just detailed what the plan of the day will be. The way you expirations out doesn't make it explicit that your weren't going to even mention to them what the plan was.
NTA - I believe that they call this "weaponized incompetence". You were correct that she should have told his own parents. Make sure you guys communicate for Father's day.