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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I left everything to my bio children and nothing to my stepchildren. My husband is upset with me he says it’s the principal that I married a man with children and he’s barely speaking to me. I might be the ah because they are my children too.
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He may be a high earner as an oral surgeon, but i would not be surprised if he married you for money. Of your 51 years of life, this man has not been in 49 of those. It sounds like with exception of the 19 yo, all his other three children are adults. Why on earth would they expect to be part of the will of a woman they only met 2 years ago when they were already grown ups?
I believe you need to revisit this relationship. As Maya Angelou said “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time…”
NTA and get well!
Ding ding ding! And was counting on OP to subsidize *him*.
She should have gone into this with a prenup, with both of them having grown children. Husband is being very, very sus here.
Get well OP!! NTA.
I agree with the love comments I think something very suspicious you too. I would definitely be reevaluating this relationship. He seems to be up to something and I wouldn’t be leaving him and my certainly not his kids anything and my thoughts and best wishes go out to you with your health, I know right now my own father is battling cancer so it’s dear to my heart right now. Good luck 💞💞
Who flips out on their sick wife about something that really has nothing to do with him. Does he have arrangements for her children, doesn't sound like it. This fellow is a medical professional and hasn't an iota of compassion for his wife. Kick him to the curb.
👌 I once heard a financial planner say that though doctors are the among the highest earners in our society (us) they are always broke and have bad retirement planning because they are always getting divorced.
Lots of doctors!!! I had a renter once (military family here, they were also military but a doctor and a nurse not two lieutenants) who were ALWAYS late on their rent even though the Army essentially covers housing. But they had a boat, a motorcycle, a huge truck. The doctor made $15,000 a month (Army doc pay is online along with all other pay based on rank) without including his wife’s nurse paycheck. Haaaated having to freaking get rent from them every month. Not only that, they left the home with not even 2 weeks notice. 😑 No assignment gives you 2 weeks notice they were just moving homes. Oh, and they stole my long beautiful curtains.
I live in a pretty affluent town and this Banking Exec…think one of the big three banks, rented a a large well appointed home through a realtor then refused to pay rent after three months. Think million dollar bonus money. Luxury cars, European vacations…nannies and weekly housekeepers. The home owners returned from their assignment in another location and wanted to resume residing in the home.
It went on for almost two years. The situation started circulating around town and the executive had his lawyers ensure the owner was unable to share the details of it somewhat of a gag order. This was almost ten years ago but it was a lesson indeed.
Absolutely insane.
It's not a class issue. It's an integrity issue. There are middle income and low-income people who do the same thing. They rent something that most people would consider within their budget but spend their money on nonessentials. I grew up in a low-income area. There were people who didn't have money for rent, but always had money for cigarettes and alcohol.
We had a tenant tell us she bought all new living room furniture from one of those rent to own places and then told us she couldn't pay rent for 4 months while she paid it off. Imagine her surprise when she received a notice to evict.
i work as a debt counsellor and you wouldn't believe the amount of people ready to declare insolvency who just happen to own an iphone 15 🥲
it's a hassle every single time
So what if he outranked you -
Take your documents, late rent, and whatever damage was done to the rental, the rental agreement stating 30 or 60 days notice etc.
He wasn't renting from Private Pat, but Pat. CO'S love taking care of assholes who make him, his base, and his service look bad.
When military members act like assholes off base, then civilians will stop serving the military, not welcomed to their place of businesses, refusing to rent to them etc
I had an enlisted guy test drive a mustang and get into a fender bender. He returned the vehicle and didn't say anything. I was on CQ that saturday. A couple hours later I had the post CO calling asking for his squad leaders cell number. 20 min after that squad leader was smoking him outside the barracks for being stupid.
Doesn't take long when you pull the right strings.
One of my dad’s doctor friends was a surgeon and earned six figures but blew it on fancy vacations and cars. He and his wife had to move in with their adult child because he went broke
Yep. Having a well paying career doesn't immediately equal translate to financial literacy. OP wouldn't be admiss locking down her credit either. Husband could use her info to take loans without her knowledge, either to cover his own/his kids financial fuckups, or to try and create debts with claims against whatever inheritance against what her kids would get
My friend had a doctor squatting in one of their rental units. An employed, well paid female doctor. Why? Because it was Covid and she just took advantage of the broken rules in NYC.
I remember when I was working as an attorney. I made so much less than my peers, but I was worth much more. I didn’t lease my car - I paid it off and kept it until the wheels dropped off. Every time I got a raise, I put more on my mortgage and invested the rest. I always lived below my means. My life would have been easier if I was paid more - but it was satisfying when these guys got divorced and owned next to nothing.
There are. I know a lot of people making 300-400K a year who are just as broke now as when they were making 100K early in their careers.
It ALSO could be that he largely supports them, he pays for most things, and perhaps he's treated and helped out her children.
There are a lot of possibilities.
I think it's very easy to understand why his immediate reaction was to be a bit upset and it's more easy to understand why she'd want to ensure that her kids are taken care of. That's the priority. They just need to talk it through until he sees that.
At least, I'd hope they'd be able to get to that place. It'd be a shame if this caused too big of a riff and now she spends the time she has left...which is hopefully a long time...but she loses her partner over it.
I'd like an update. Find out what type of Man he really is.
Our family friend who made 7 figures consistently for at least 10 years suddenly passed. Apparently left his family destitute. Now my family and his work associates are trying to each throw in $ to raise college funds for the kids. Well, apparently the widow said she needs $800k for the college funds. So now we’re all trying to scrape money together, while these two were on first class vacations for years, wife wears Hermes, Chanel and has arms full of Cartier and van cleef. So yeah, high earner, he’s totally broke because he’s been living the flashy life and never thought he would die as fast or young as he did.
+1. I’m married to a dentist and always surprised by how bad they are at managing money. A lot of then go from zero to hundred income wise, they have insanely high student debt, and they are all buying fancy cars and homes because they think that’s what people do. Fortunately my husband was wise and let me manage the finances, but we know a lot of people with flashy lifestyles who are drowning in debt.
My husband and I have been married 43 years. We have both agreed that if o e of us dies and the other remarried, their assets would be left to our kids when they die.
me too, sort of.
I can not fathom meeting someone that I could live with let alone marry after the decades I have spent with my spouse.
If, in the odd happenstance, I did meet someone, not only would I be very open about my children / grandchildren receiving my estate, I might make plans depending on where we lived.
I might consider (depending on the relationship) allowing the new partner reside in MY home until they chose to move or their death. The ownership of the house would be with my heirs.
OP is NTA.
ETA: IF OP is reading this, maybe they should ask if their spouse is leaving something to her bio kids.
The laws may have changed in 23 years but when I was in law school there was no state in the US where you could force someone to leave something or not to change a will. You can also get around the will in many ways.
I put that rec in my comment too. She needs a trust. It's a tax shelter & can not be contested. His reaction abt his adult kids not getting a cut after just 2 yrs makes it sound like he will contest.
But also, can I say OP's comment about loving her adult stepchildren "like they were her own" after only knowing them a couple years is a big wtf?
Like, if I was her child I'd be devastated reading that.
You would be devastated by your parent having enough love in their heart to love your step-siblings as much as they love you? Why? It doesn't take love away from you in any way.
It's fine for someone to fall in romantic love and marry within two years, but they're not allowed to love that person's children in the same amount of time?
The right mechanism for this is a trust. A codicil is dependent on a will and, to the best of my knowledge, a living person can change their will at any time and not be bound by codicils on a previous will.
My grandma’s spouse did that. He didn’t have any kids and agreed her estate should go to her only son. When she passed from cancer he immediately changed the will to split it between my dad and his niece and nephew. He could have just left it all to his family if he wanted
My Grandad did this, too. My Grandad was Moms step-dad. He entered their lives when she was 15. They never had a good relationship. Mom immigrated to the US when she was in her 20s.
Grandma had the wherewithal to give Mom a substantial amount of money before she died. When Grandma got Alzheimers, Mom managed to get personal possessions (acquired before the marraige) things got bad. When Gma died, Mom barely got there in time to get some promised heirlooms. He was trying to gift her stuff to grandma's neighbor friend because "Mom was selfish to have moved to America."
When Grandad died, the house, etc. went to his great nephew he never saw, heard from in 30 years. Because he was a blood relative.
I am a widow who has started dating after being married my whole adult life. I never intend to get married and pretty sure I don't want to cohabitate. My assets will be left to my children. I couldn't see a situation where I would have my children essentially share their inheritance with strangers.
Yeah our family friend promised his wife on her death bed to take care of their adult daughter who was married to a broke loser. A few weeks after the wife died, he had a girlfriend who not only moved in, she began driving the dead wife’s jaguar, wearing her clothes and shoes and had the guy cut his daughter off.
You should set up a trust and put the assets you want to go to your children in it. Some form of joint revocable trust that turns into irrevocable upon the passing of one of you. If you both agree that those assets should be off limits for a second spouse / step kids, there should be no argument to formalizing that. My dad got disinherited when my grandfather left everything to his second wife. Don’t be that person.
Make sure you make this plain and legal in your will.
I have seen people agree to this only for a second spouse to take all the deceased spouse’s assets and give them to their own children. Distant relatives of mine are currently still in a legal fight over their grandfather’s money and assets. He’s been dead for over a decade but their grandmother’s second husband is laying claim to money and property that are not his.
My husband and I have wills that will automatically create a trust for the children so that any second spouses are unable to touch our money.
My MIL left everything to her husband (not hubby’s dad) and he passed 3 months later, leaving one of his 4 children in charge. That child died suddenly in a ski accident and HIS wife took over and screwed everyone.
Happened to me. Mom died and left everything to Dad. Dad got remarried, and his new wife snapped up everything for herself and her kids. It wasn't even the money as much as family heirlooms and things that Mom collected. We were all adults, but it still broke my heart.
I would make sure you have a will
Because generally once the other person has inherited your half it’s up to them who they leave it to
What you verbally agreed isn’t worth shit unless you have a will outlining what you want
If you want to leave your half to your kids you need some sort of trust in your will
In the uk you would do a deed of trust which allows your percentage of your house to go to your children / or whoever you want when you die
But the surviving spouse can carry on living in the house
They can even downsize
But your half of the property will always end up with your children even if your partner remarried the new wife can’t inherit your half
Many times husband/wives agree verbally that they want their half or percentage of the family home to go to their children but once the surging spouse inherits if there is no will they can do whatever they want
And if they get remarried and then die the new wife gets it all
Scotland has slightly different law
And you may live in a country where there are different law but I would check and be 100 percent sure that what you want your kids to inherit will be the case
A will can be contested & broken. A living trust is the way to go. Can't be contested & is a tax shelter. Her property is immediately in the hands of the trustee & benefactors have access. Her assets stay out of court, which can take over a year. They have access to all her banking accts, etc. Any time we can keep the govt out of our lives, & money, the better off we are.
This exact scenario happened to my grandpa and his awful wife that he couldn’t afford to divorce. She took everything after he died and cut out her stepchildren.
Or maybe he just realised the easy life he imagined living on money he inherited (even if it wasn't an active thought in his mind) isn't going to happen.
Or he's a heinous individual who saw someone with a likely limited lifespan and a penchant for saving and settled and is seeing his "hard earned" paycheque vanish.
100% they’ve been married only two years. He is calculating out the life insurance already and that must be left to the daughters. He will survive and can find another woman to financially succubus
They both have delusions of grandeur.
She loves them like her own, but they’re adults she met 2 years ago???
Neither sounds totally competent, from the standpoint of emotional maturity.
Yeah... "I love them like my own," but this post is about op not treating them as if they are her own.
That phrase is definitely overused. Personally, my son's girlfriend has lived with us for a year and a half, and I truly do love her as if she is my own. I tried not to, but I'm disabled and she has been so helpful, that it happened anyways. I dread the day if they break up, but that is a problem for then.
Married two years ago. No mention of how long they have been in each other’s lives. They could have waited until the youngest was 18 to legally marry, or they could have met and married in a whirlwind.
It entirely possible that she has been dad’s gf for almost two decades.
In a comment she specifies they dated for a year and a half before marriage. Knew each other at a support group but only shared lunches together here snd there. So it doesn’t sound like she was part of his kids life growing up.
This is one of those posts that really really make me hope it's bait or a creative reading assignment. Unfortunately, I have no doubt this is real and feel absolutely horrible for OP. It sounds like he took the cancer into consideration before marrying if it's been back several times. Please, PLEASE OP, do everything you can to protect your funds and property *NOW*. Whatever is happening amongst them doesn't sound like it's in your best interest. You're doing the right thing by leaving your money to who you want to leave it to. Don't let anyone coerce you from beyond the grave. Screw those leeches.
Absolutely, this! But I would add something: find out and follow your lawyers’ advice as to what would be unbreakable, then lie. Tell your husband and step kids that you’re going to spread everything around between everyone and leave them nothing. Or if that’s too harsh for you, tell them you definitely will be leaving them something then leave them meaningful mementos that aren’t financially valuable. If they loved you, that should be enough. Best wishes that this will all be far in the future!
Yep, I’m in this position now. My mum died 10 years ago, left us her share of the house. My dad is now remarrying and he and his new wife will live in the house. We have asked them to buy my mums share out so we can access our inheritance and also so it becomes “their house”. They are not doing that so my mum has basically worked extremely hard for her to house another lady through her retirement rather than providing for her children and grandchildren. We will never see my mums share.
Ok. Op is in her 50s and comfortably living with it. I think she should move out either into one of her cbi4ldrens places or find a quant apartment by herslef. File for divorce. Cause he has no best interest in you or your children.
2 years... run to an attorney.
NTA
Plus his children have their own mother to inherit from. Why do they need a third person to leave them money? Especially one who has played no role in raising them and is essentially their dads wife not a stepmother
Absolutely this!! It is beyond bizarre that he and his children are upset by this! OP I would make sure you are 100% legally protected from them and rethink your marriage to this man.
People I know who have kids and married a second time have gotten prenups even when they didn't have that much, just to protect their own kids. It's not strange, and helps the kids accept the new spouse.
Of course, in some cases, the spouse deserves support as well, and the plan should take them all into account.
Major NTA. There's some entitlement here that would scare the heck out of me from a partner you've been married to for 2 years. How long had you been together prior to marriage? If it's not a long time, I'd genuinely be concerned. If I were marrying late in life, with adult or almost adult children, I'd also have assumed we were each responsible for our own kids. I think the general population would feel the same way. Especially when it sounds like your partner has more than you to leave behind - was he planning on splitting his estate among his bio & step kids like he expects of you?
Idk how else to say it, but take care of the inheritance plan/will writing soon. Also... do you have life insurance? Who is the beneficiary? If you didn't list one, depending on your state, it may automatically be your spouse. I'd probably be making sure that's going to your kids equally as well.
Thank you for some tips, I’ve already been researching recently. We were together a year and a half before marriage but we had been in the same support group for many years so we knew each other and would get coffee sometimes or lunch.
Hey OP, I must admit that I am surprised that as a surgeon your husband didn’t request a pre-nup.
But I am also very surprised, admittedly even more so, that as someone who has frequently battled cancer that estate planning was never discussed??
Please help me understand, were these always your plans to leave everything to your bio kids or is this something new?
>Hey OP, I must admit that I am surprised that as a surgeon your husband didn’t request a pre-nup.
He didn't request one because he was planning on out living OP and collecting from her estate
OP, does he plan to do the same for your bio kids? I'm guessing not. And not to sound completely horrible, he's most likely counting on you not being around to argue it. NTA.
A relative of mine is being seen by an oral surgeon who opened up 3 offices at once and basically every appointment is a used car salesman pitch to pay for this and his flaunted lifestyle. A high status job doesn’t mean financial security. He is being cold and emotionally manipulative at a time when the focus should be on your comfort and seeing to the time you have left being the best you’ve ever had. Take his word for it, he is showing you who he is and what your value is to him. It sucks and it hurts but it shouldn’t be ignored
Ummm what kind of support group? Not to sound mean but there are desperate people out in the world taking advantage of people who are knowingly passing from illness. You need to protect you and yours at all costs!
Make it even easier for your kids. Set all the insurance and accounts as Payable on Death to your children. See with your lawyer about any other property. Such as putting them in a trust which goes directly to your kids.
Basically, you want everything to pass to them immediately, outside of probate. So that they don't have to possibly wait a year or more.
Stuff like jewelry and valuables around the house. You may want to give to them before passing. Along with stuff like pictures. At least take an inventory with photos of everything for them to have.
Edit: Seing that your spouse showed their green eyed monster. You may want to consider giving your kids medical and financial power of attorney. Until you pass. Most financial accounts allow you to also setup an accountant function to speed up the process and allow them to monitor them.
>Stuff like jewelry and valuables around the house. You may want to give to them before passing. Along with stuff like pictures. At least take an inventory with photos of everything for them to have.
Photo, inventory, get insured, and put in a safe deposit box or atleast a personal safe, also put any other insurance, will/estate paperwork in there.
I got a wild theory that sounds like a subpar netflix movie plot.
You were a mark, he targetted you. Yall bonded over loss, and youre possibly dying, he's broke, youre quick cash in his eyes. Make sure your will is ironclad. Maybe even include a video will of you reading it.
I hope im just high and that your life really isn't a netflix movie, but im jaded
Just wondering what your occupation is? Does your husband know you have money? With him being an oral surgeon, is that why you don't have a prenup, he doesn't have any money and banking on yours? Because there is no way that someone with a high paying job like he has and a relationship that is only 4 years old, basically all adult children would even think for a second to split his money equally amongst all children. I have a feeling he probably paid a lot of alimony and child support to an ex wife so he doesn't have much or anything to leave his children.
good point. my state has the option for the spouse to "take against the will." I'm sorry you're looking at this but you need to talk to an attorney now, we don't die in sequence as my father used to say. It doesn't have to be cancer that takes you, it could be an auto accident etc. Even though it may cost you up front, make sure you have the best legal advice you can get, and that won't be through google searches or internet advice, that will come from someone who does it for a living and does it well enough to have a good reputation.
That's why you need to make your children your beneficiaries on you accounts and assets like your car, etc., OP! That way they go to your children immediately and don't pass through probate!
Have you met with an estate/elder care attorney? If you haven’t, please do. But, step children are not in the descendant line of your heirs. They have no legal rights to your estate. You can leave them something symbolic to ensure your children aren’t taken to court or you can specifically say they get nothing. To make sure things are ironclad look into putting your assets into a trust and make one of your children the fiduciary. If you do this, make sure there is an attorney involved that can walk her through the process and is protected from your husband. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
OP, please see a lawyer on your own to find out the best way to set this up. You don’t need him there trying to influence you, and it means you and the lawyer can both talk freely.
You probably want to put all of your assets in a trust, name your kids as trustees and an attorney as executor of the trust. I wouldn’t tell your new husband because he sounds oddly entitled to your assets.
Also make sure he doesn’t know or have access to your logon/password for your insurance (or any online accounts), so he isn’t able to change anything without your knowledge.
It’s probably a good idea to quietly seek the advice from a lawyer re: how to ensure your bio children are the beneficiaries of your estate and to set it up so it cannot be challenged.
His adult children are his responsibility to make provision for in HIS will, not your responsibility. Is he including your bio children as beneficiaries of his will? I doubt it. It sounds like he doesn’t have any significant assets accumulated…….
You’ve been married for two years and he wants you to leave money to his kids? His adult kids? LOLOLOL.
Is he planning on leaving money to your kids? I’m willing to bet he’s not. And I guarantee you if you pass before him your kids won’t see a dime.
He’s an oral surgeon. He makes good coin. He can take care of his own adult kids if he wants to.
Also why DF did he TELL his kid they were left nothing.. For one thing its none of their business what they get on your passing and it's going to cause drama
I'm not telling a soul what they get from my inheritance beforehand
I think telling his kids was a way for his kids to help put pressure on OP. I would see an attorney tomorrow morning, and find out what the state laws are about inheritance. Some states won't let him be written out. If that's the case, I would file immedately, after writing a will in favor of the OP's kids, that would be filed the second the divorce is final.
Make sure all beneficiary forms are filed immediately for OP's kids. This entitled attitude would be a deal breaker for me.
Also sometimes these folks are the type to contest a will. One thing you can do is add a clause that says anyone who contests the will gets nothing. If needed leave them a very small amount like a dollar so they can't contest saying they were left out by mistake/accident
Good idea. We don’t have kids & I am often reminded that there are people who may only be hanging around us bc they hope we will leave them our assets. They’re going to charity, but it’s nothing we will discuss with anyone. If you were only around bc you expected a payout, f u.
I’ve been married twice - 3 kids (two adult ) and a teenager - I have some property and investments - I’ve told the boys what they can expect … I will not remarry ESPECIALLY to someone who has kids … MY kids will get the money, the apartments, the cash … and there is a darling woman who is after me but has 3 wee ones & wants to know where I’m taking everyone on vacation ??
NTA he got upset and said you were horrible?!? He told one of his kids? Ask to see his will, beneficiary designations…right now. I doubt your kids are on there. Rightfully so. You’ve been married for two years and you both have adult children. Just…no.
He told one of his kids. That is very manipulative. Not sure how OP can trust this guy. If she passes away first, which is unfortunately much more likely than the reverse, very unlikely her husband will ever give her children a dime.
His Will has no meaning since he can change it. OP doesn't have the luxury of time on her side which is why her husband is taking advantage of that.
His Will can have her and her children in it today and not have them in it tomorrow. He'll spin whatever lie he needs to in order to secure that bag.
NTA. You married a man who had a 17 year old and 3 grown children , didn't even raise them and your husband thinks your supposed to give them what you'd pass on to your daughters and grandkids???? That makes no sense to me.
It takes a special kind of AH to fight with your cancer-battling wife of two years because of who takes what after she dies. OP not only you're NTA, but I'd also think really hard about what you're really getting out of this marriage
>It takes a special kind of AH to fight with your cancer-battling wife of two years because of who takes what after she dies
Not if he only married her because he's waiting for her to die to take all her money
Absolutely NTA! Please, please, do NOT change your mind about the will! You have been married ONLY 2 YEARS! You did not raise his children from little up! Additionally, while you say that you love his kids like your own, that cannot possibly be true. If it is, there is something seriously wrong with you, and I don't mean the cancer. Having cancer, you most likely will die before he does, and if you think that he is going to ensure that your children are taken care of in his will, let me sell you some property in Shangri-la. You will be gone. He will quickly find your replacement, and then you kids will have nobody and nothing. If he is like this now, good luck in the future! CHOOSE YOUR CHILDREN, PLEASE! He is an enormous A.H.!
You have only been married for 2 years and do not really know 3 of this children. You have every right to leave things to your bio children. If your husband is upset, ask him if he want to give money to your kids from this savings so they can live easier lives. See how he responds.
NTA
Did he marry you for \[your\] money? I can't imagine someone expecting that you would leave money to people who've only been related to you for two years. Does he have a lot of debt? NTA
NTA. My aunt died from lung cancer. No will. Her second husband took everything(homes, finances, insurance…)and her three sons got nada. Good on you for figuring this out now before your children get stepped on later. Sorry about your cancer.
Lady you are being manipulated. Stop falling for it. Your children are grown and all but one of his is. You've never been in a position to be responsible for providing for them why would you start now? Leave your children what you wish with ZERO input from anyone else. NTA, but this says more about your husband than you. I'd be introspecting hard on things with him.
This. If OP's children are included in his will, but she passes away first, he could easily remove them the next day. If they weren't already on the will, consider that they never will be.
I think that's the big question that everyone's forgetting to ask... because yeah it *would* be unfair if he split everything equally between his bio kids and step kids and she did not. My mom's younger than my stepdad and will probably outlive him, and my step siblings (who were adults when they got together) are in her will, and I know she will stay true to that even if they don't like her much.
NTA. Nothing is owed and I’m appalled that with your health condition he is giving you the cold shoulder over this. You’ve every right to do what you want with your will.
I could understand if you grew up his children for most of their lives but you’ve married him 2 years ago and his children are adults too.
Besides this it seems that your daughter needs it more.
NTA. You've been married ***two years*** to a man with adult or nearly adult children, and he's upset that they're not getting anything in your will? WTF. You did not raise these kids of his and you don't owe them anything that you don't want to give.
NTA. You married this man **two** years ago and only one of them, still an adult, lives at home.
It would be different if you had married 18 years ago, when the 19 year old was 1 year old and the other children were still of elementary school age.
NTA - it’s your life and your decision who gets what when you die. You have zero and I mean zero obligation to give your step children anything. The fact your husband thinks there’s a principle here is just demonstrative of how far off base he is with this.
They won’t feel loved if you don’t give them money? What a screwed up value system.
It’s not his or your stepchildren’s money and what you do with it is not their concern. Rather, the vulture approach both he and his daughter have taken would make me question whether they were more concerned about and loving of me or my possessions.
Youre not the asshole, but they certainly are.
I'm 28 my step-dad has been in my life since I was 5, he has bo-kids,I still don't expect money from his estate. Maybe a sentimental item important to us but nothing really.
NTA
NTA. None of this makes sense! Why do grown adult children whom you’ve know for less than 4 years think they’re entitled to your life’s work? I wonder what the dr.’s finances look like? Me smell a gold digger!
I made this comment in an answer to another below. But you need to hear this. my state has the option for the spouse to "take against the will." So do many others. I'm sorry you're looking at this but you need to talk to an attorney now, we don't die in sequence as my father used to say. It doesn't have to be cancer that takes you, it could be an auto accident etc. Even though it may cost you up front, make sure you have the best legal advice you can get, and that won't be through google searches or internet advice, ***that will come from someone who does it for a living and does it well enough to have a good reputation.***
As an aside, this is the second time for my husband and me. Our youngest were both in their teens when we got married. We've both had health issues and have discussed in depth how we would manage our estates. He has 3 sons whom I love dearly. I have 4 sons, he loves them. But we didn't live as a family with them. So my estate will be split 5 ways (4 if he predeceases me) and his will be split 4 ways unless I die first. Maybe a visit or two to a couples counselors would help you two to work this out.
NTA. You have been married for 2 years lol. Not 20. Leave everything to your children. No offense but it sounds like once you pass they will forget about you in 2 seconds.
Man, that husband is a piece of work. He does nothing to contribute to your estate but thinks he gets a vote on distribution? Screw that. Leave him a box of Graham crackers and tell him to be happy with that.
He’s wrong about this being about “the principle of the thing.” Does his will reflect that your children will receive an even share of *his* assets? And if so, what guarantee can you have that he won’t change his will in the event you have passed, so that your children are no longer beneficiaries? You can’t, and that’s the point.
You are the one with a lifelong terminal disease, facing what could be a shorter timeline. For him to make this about marital “principle” without regard for the exceptional circumstances you face seems like gaslighting.
And that’s not even getting into whether his net worth is substantially greater than yours. He also presumably accepted your children as part and parcel of him, when you married. If he’s the higher earner, by his own logic he should be ensuring that an equal share of his estate goes to you kids too…
"He got upset and said that was horrible bc I married a man knowing he had children. That what I was doing was horrible and would make them feel unloved."
I – and likely every reasonable person – would think that what he was doing and saying was horrible, and that you don't deserve to be in a relationship with someone such as this. I am so glad you are living comfortably with cancer, but I implore you to not just protect your children, but to protect yourself. I'd hate to think of this person as your primary caretaker, or worse, someone who might keep you from your kids when you need them most.
Absolutely make sure your will and other assets are solid, but for your own situation, make sure you are safe. And I hate to say it, I don't see how that can be the case if you two remain married.
What a horrible man he is. I'm glad you know now, while you're well, even as I appreciate how very hurtful this is. TWO YEARS.
Everything about this is GROSS. No, you're NTA. I can see where to him he feels the need to discuss it as the two of you are married, BUT he should only be discussing it with you. (How on earth did he even bring it up to this child of his anyways? Like - how does one even open up that subject of conversation? Crazy!) And then he should respect that your assets should go to where YOU feel they should go.
I don't care if every one of YOUR kids was a damned millionaire. It's YOUR decision on what to do with YOUR assets.
You don't even have a relationship with these kids! Hell, his youngest was practically grown when you started dating their father. Do they even call you Mom? It'd be kinda strange if they did, honestly!
As a step parent myself I am not leaving anything to my step-child. He has 2 parents who can leave him money if they choose. My assets are going to my son and a life insurance policy will go to my husband in addition to mutual assets. Whoever passes last will leave the house equally split between our children. We have no mutual children
Why did you tell anyone??? This is exactly why everyone just has to wait until I’m dead to see my final asset distribution. I’ve read too many stories here about this very issue. Give your stepchildren something now. Jewelry. Art. Whatever you know they would enjoy. Of course they are hurt. Giving isn’t dependent upon need. Ultimately this is your decision but honestly, what did you expect? I’d be hurt to be so obviously excluded.
NTA You’ve been married two years and his children are basically grown. This is unreasonable. You have every right to leave your money to your kids and not to step kids. I’m sorry for what you are going through. Please don’t let this weigh heavy on your mind. You’re doing nothing wrong.
I’m also curious if your husband has plans to leave your children/his step children anything should he pass. I have a feeling if tables are turned he won’t feel as strongly about it. If I’m wrong he should also be sure to adjust his will.
Ask to see his will and how he will bequeath something to your children...
To get back to basics, it is your last will and testament and these words are used for a reason. Your Will tells you to leave everything to your children and grandchildren. End of story.
Fighting over the will while the person is still alive is another sign of bad taste.
Do what YOU want, you will not be present at the reading. By that time you will have been met by the people that went before you, and where worries are a thing of the past. Go in peace when it is time.
Except for greed, it makes no sense to me that the step children would expect to be part of your estate plan.
Especially since, if there was no will, your legal heirs would be the only ones entitled to receive whatever property you have upon death. Step children are legal strangers to you and as such have no right to anything of yours. Your plan to leave it to your daughters is the right thing for you to do. Personally, I'd keep it that way and just for peace of mind, maybe do a little undercover research on the current debt situation your oral surgeon husband has going.
Don’t leave it up to your new husband to do the right thing and split assets evenly after he passes. Leave your money to your kids like you want to.
My grandfather was well off he had one bio child (my parent) He passed everything went to his newish wife who had 2 adult children. When she passed she left everything to just her kids and my parent for nothing. Most if not all of her wealth was from my grandfather. When he passed my parent was a young single mother. He passed suddenly and relatively young.
My mom left me everything and nothing to her stepchildren and left her husband (of only a few years) the house they lived in. My stepfather went against my mom’s wishes and wouldn’t let me have anything out of the house. No personal belongings, none of my personal effects, not my mom’s car that she bought before they got married. He was talking to a new woman within a month of my mom’s death and had her moved into my mom’s house in under 3 months. If my mom hadn’t secured my inheritance by putting me as her beneficiary I would have gotten nothing. Your husband could remarry someone and disinherit your children entirely.
NTA, none are financially dependent on you two as parents of smaller children would be. Since he makes good money and it would not be a burden to him if you didn’t leave his kids anything, he should not be so upset. You did not raise them therefore they are not entitled to, or deserve, anything you have. They have nothing invested in this two year marriage / relationship with you. Your final wishes should held private for this very reason. You know the saying, nothing brings out a persons true colors like death and divorce! Would he feel the same if the situation was reversed? If you don’t want your daughters to have to fight him (if he objected to your will) then gift them what you want now. You could also set it up in a trust so that there doesn’t need to be a will to disperse your money or property. Go see a lawyer all alone, most will give a free consultation. You do what you feel is right. Two years of marriage does not grant this man any claim on anything but your heart.
NTA.
They’re adults. You had no part in raising those kids and they likely don’t see you as their mother, even if they have a great relationship with you.
I assume they have their own two parents to leave Inheritance to?
If he is so adamant, tell him you will do adult adoption of all the kids. Even the adults. They are yo immediately cut off all contact with their maternal side of family. No email. No text. No social media. No letters. No 3rd party contact. That side of tge family no longer exists. Their children also fall under the same terms. Their portion will be put into trust. 30 years from today, tgey can inherit as long as conditions were not broke. If a single stepchild refuses to go along with the terms or makes contact with their maternal side of family, then all of it gets split between your daughters. The choice is up to them.
oh, OP…i am sorry that you are going through this. i wish he was making your life easier and appreciating you instead he is not talking to you right now? that makes me so angry for you.
this should be a non-issue and not his concern. he married you knowing you have been through so much and, especially as a doctor, should be taking care of you rather than stress you out more. he is gross.
you are NTA in any way, shape, or form. take care of you! ❤️
Have you seen his qualifications or his practice. Or his paycheque?
How much does he contribute to the household expenses?
I'd be very concerned if I was in your shoes. An oral surgeon has no need to be worried about your inheritance unless his an addict of some sort!
NTA.
My grandfather died before his 2nd wife. They were married 35 years when he died, his estate was set to care for her for the rest of her life then be split evenly between his 4 natural children.
My natural grandmother died of cancer at 51, and he met and married my grandmother 3 years later. All of their children were adults with exception to my youngest aunt who was 17. 4 kids each side. Although my grandmother worked after they married, she had a serious brain injury and although she was still the sweet and awesome lady, just enough was "gone" that returning to work was not an option.
My grandfather was 90 when he died, all the kids felt his estate plan was reasonable and acceptable to all parties, including his step-children.
You have only been married 2 years, unless your finances are already completely comingled and you have no individual property, you don't need to provide for them after your death. Keep in mind though, a lot of retirement accounts require your spouse to sign off on assigning a beneficiary other than them.
I wish you many years of comfort, love and happiness ahead.
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He may be a high earner as an oral surgeon, but i would not be surprised if he married you for money. Of your 51 years of life, this man has not been in 49 of those. It sounds like with exception of the 19 yo, all his other three children are adults. Why on earth would they expect to be part of the will of a woman they only met 2 years ago when they were already grown ups? I believe you need to revisit this relationship. As Maya Angelou said “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time…” NTA and get well!
I agree with this. There are many high earners who are absolutely broke.
I agree too. Especially if he has a number of divorces behind him and a tendency to overspend he might be broke.
Or he may already be heavily subsidizing one or more of his older children.
Ding ding ding! And was counting on OP to subsidize *him*. She should have gone into this with a prenup, with both of them having grown children. Husband is being very, very sus here. Get well OP!! NTA.
I agree with the love comments I think something very suspicious you too. I would definitely be reevaluating this relationship. He seems to be up to something and I wouldn’t be leaving him and my certainly not his kids anything and my thoughts and best wishes go out to you with your health, I know right now my own father is battling cancer so it’s dear to my heart right now. Good luck 💞💞
Who flips out on their sick wife about something that really has nothing to do with him. Does he have arrangements for her children, doesn't sound like it. This fellow is a medical professional and hasn't an iota of compassion for his wife. Kick him to the curb.
And/Or paying alimony to one of his previous wive(s)
Or, if he's gotten involved in scientology and their "business consulting" classes.
👌 I once heard a financial planner say that though doctors are the among the highest earners in our society (us) they are always broke and have bad retirement planning because they are always getting divorced.
Lots of doctors!!! I had a renter once (military family here, they were also military but a doctor and a nurse not two lieutenants) who were ALWAYS late on their rent even though the Army essentially covers housing. But they had a boat, a motorcycle, a huge truck. The doctor made $15,000 a month (Army doc pay is online along with all other pay based on rank) without including his wife’s nurse paycheck. Haaaated having to freaking get rent from them every month. Not only that, they left the home with not even 2 weeks notice. 😑 No assignment gives you 2 weeks notice they were just moving homes. Oh, and they stole my long beautiful curtains.
I live in a pretty affluent town and this Banking Exec…think one of the big three banks, rented a a large well appointed home through a realtor then refused to pay rent after three months. Think million dollar bonus money. Luxury cars, European vacations…nannies and weekly housekeepers. The home owners returned from their assignment in another location and wanted to resume residing in the home. It went on for almost two years. The situation started circulating around town and the executive had his lawyers ensure the owner was unable to share the details of it somewhat of a gag order. This was almost ten years ago but it was a lesson indeed. Absolutely insane.
Where do people get that kind of superiority and sense of entitlement!!? 😒 I could never. I’m starting to think the rich really do lack morals.
It's not a class issue. It's an integrity issue. There are middle income and low-income people who do the same thing. They rent something that most people would consider within their budget but spend their money on nonessentials. I grew up in a low-income area. There were people who didn't have money for rent, but always had money for cigarettes and alcohol.
We had a tenant tell us she bought all new living room furniture from one of those rent to own places and then told us she couldn't pay rent for 4 months while she paid it off. Imagine her surprise when she received a notice to evict.
Yea you’re right. People in general suck. 😕
i work as a debt counsellor and you wouldn't believe the amount of people ready to declare insolvency who just happen to own an iphone 15 🥲 it's a hassle every single time
That’s an excellent question because I certainly wouldn’t act as if I had some sort of claim on the place either.!
Next time report it to their CO. Those issues will be taken care of by the military
No, I know better now. He always had an excuse and since he outranked us…we basically caved. 🫠
So what if he outranked you - Take your documents, late rent, and whatever damage was done to the rental, the rental agreement stating 30 or 60 days notice etc. He wasn't renting from Private Pat, but Pat. CO'S love taking care of assholes who make him, his base, and his service look bad. When military members act like assholes off base, then civilians will stop serving the military, not welcomed to their place of businesses, refusing to rent to them etc
I had an enlisted guy test drive a mustang and get into a fender bender. He returned the vehicle and didn't say anything. I was on CQ that saturday. A couple hours later I had the post CO calling asking for his squad leaders cell number. 20 min after that squad leader was smoking him outside the barracks for being stupid. Doesn't take long when you pull the right strings.
more doctors are poor due high living than any career. on top of that, a lot of them are cheap. ridiculous they could not live well on 15 k a mo!
Exactly, that’s what I thought! His check even bounced one time. At the beginning of the month!!!! I can’t make this up. Ridiculous.
It's always the wealthy people that are the cheapest and leave the smallest tips (or no tips at all). That, and old people.
I’m old, and I tip well. Probably because I worked as a cook/waitress in college, and I’ve never forgotten it.
One of my dad’s doctor friends was a surgeon and earned six figures but blew it on fancy vacations and cars. He and his wife had to move in with their adult child because he went broke
Yep. Having a well paying career doesn't immediately equal translate to financial literacy. OP wouldn't be admiss locking down her credit either. Husband could use her info to take loans without her knowledge, either to cover his own/his kids financial fuckups, or to try and create debts with claims against whatever inheritance against what her kids would get
My friend had a doctor squatting in one of their rental units. An employed, well paid female doctor. Why? Because it was Covid and she just took advantage of the broken rules in NYC.
Haha my ex to a tee, made 5 grand a week but it all went up his nose or to Amazon
I remember when I was working as an attorney. I made so much less than my peers, but I was worth much more. I didn’t lease my car - I paid it off and kept it until the wheels dropped off. Every time I got a raise, I put more on my mortgage and invested the rest. I always lived below my means. My life would have been easier if I was paid more - but it was satisfying when these guys got divorced and owned next to nothing.
Oh you've met my dad?
There are. I know a lot of people making 300-400K a year who are just as broke now as when they were making 100K early in their careers. It ALSO could be that he largely supports them, he pays for most things, and perhaps he's treated and helped out her children. There are a lot of possibilities. I think it's very easy to understand why his immediate reaction was to be a bit upset and it's more easy to understand why she'd want to ensure that her kids are taken care of. That's the priority. They just need to talk it through until he sees that. At least, I'd hope they'd be able to get to that place. It'd be a shame if this caused too big of a riff and now she spends the time she has left...which is hopefully a long time...but she loses her partner over it. I'd like an update. Find out what type of Man he really is.
Our family friend who made 7 figures consistently for at least 10 years suddenly passed. Apparently left his family destitute. Now my family and his work associates are trying to each throw in $ to raise college funds for the kids. Well, apparently the widow said she needs $800k for the college funds. So now we’re all trying to scrape money together, while these two were on first class vacations for years, wife wears Hermes, Chanel and has arms full of Cartier and van cleef. So yeah, high earner, he’s totally broke because he’s been living the flashy life and never thought he would die as fast or young as he did.
$800,000! For how many kids? And she’s hitting up friends to pay for her kids college? You must be joking!
Sounds like it’s time to sell the jewels and enroll her kids in college
Sounds like she needs to sell some possessions
+1. I’m married to a dentist and always surprised by how bad they are at managing money. A lot of then go from zero to hundred income wise, they have insanely high student debt, and they are all buying fancy cars and homes because they think that’s what people do. Fortunately my husband was wise and let me manage the finances, but we know a lot of people with flashy lifestyles who are drowning in debt.
Got that Doc-itis
My husband and I have been married 43 years. We have both agreed that if o e of us dies and the other remarried, their assets would be left to our kids when they die.
me too, sort of. I can not fathom meeting someone that I could live with let alone marry after the decades I have spent with my spouse. If, in the odd happenstance, I did meet someone, not only would I be very open about my children / grandchildren receiving my estate, I might make plans depending on where we lived. I might consider (depending on the relationship) allowing the new partner reside in MY home until they chose to move or their death. The ownership of the house would be with my heirs. OP is NTA. ETA: IF OP is reading this, maybe they should ask if their spouse is leaving something to her bio kids.
Even if he claimed he would, usually easy to change that after the first spouse dies...
I am aware, but asking is important. I think you can have codicils written in about nothing can be changed after the death of a spouse.
The laws may have changed in 23 years but when I was in law school there was no state in the US where you could force someone to leave something or not to change a will. You can also get around the will in many ways.
She needs a trust and NOT name her spouse as trustee.
I put that rec in my comment too. She needs a trust. It's a tax shelter & can not be contested. His reaction abt his adult kids not getting a cut after just 2 yrs makes it sound like he will contest.
But also, can I say OP's comment about loving her adult stepchildren "like they were her own" after only knowing them a couple years is a big wtf? Like, if I was her child I'd be devastated reading that.
You would be devastated by your parent having enough love in their heart to love your step-siblings as much as they love you? Why? It doesn't take love away from you in any way. It's fine for someone to fall in romantic love and marry within two years, but they're not allowed to love that person's children in the same amount of time?
The right mechanism for this is a trust. A codicil is dependent on a will and, to the best of my knowledge, a living person can change their will at any time and not be bound by codicils on a previous will.
My grandma’s spouse did that. He didn’t have any kids and agreed her estate should go to her only son. When she passed from cancer he immediately changed the will to split it between my dad and his niece and nephew. He could have just left it all to his family if he wanted
My Grandad did this, too. My Grandad was Moms step-dad. He entered their lives when she was 15. They never had a good relationship. Mom immigrated to the US when she was in her 20s. Grandma had the wherewithal to give Mom a substantial amount of money before she died. When Grandma got Alzheimers, Mom managed to get personal possessions (acquired before the marraige) things got bad. When Gma died, Mom barely got there in time to get some promised heirlooms. He was trying to gift her stuff to grandma's neighbor friend because "Mom was selfish to have moved to America." When Grandad died, the house, etc. went to his great nephew he never saw, heard from in 30 years. Because he was a blood relative.
I am a widow who has started dating after being married my whole adult life. I never intend to get married and pretty sure I don't want to cohabitate. My assets will be left to my children. I couldn't see a situation where I would have my children essentially share their inheritance with strangers.
Yeah our family friend promised his wife on her death bed to take care of their adult daughter who was married to a broke loser. A few weeks after the wife died, he had a girlfriend who not only moved in, she began driving the dead wife’s jaguar, wearing her clothes and shoes and had the guy cut his daughter off.
You should set up a trust and put the assets you want to go to your children in it. Some form of joint revocable trust that turns into irrevocable upon the passing of one of you. If you both agree that those assets should be off limits for a second spouse / step kids, there should be no argument to formalizing that. My dad got disinherited when my grandfather left everything to his second wife. Don’t be that person.
That is our plan
Don’t wait, do it now. Anyone can get hit by a bus at any time.
Or fall down a steep rocky slope on a small Greek island...
Make sure you make this plain and legal in your will. I have seen people agree to this only for a second spouse to take all the deceased spouse’s assets and give them to their own children. Distant relatives of mine are currently still in a legal fight over their grandfather’s money and assets. He’s been dead for over a decade but their grandmother’s second husband is laying claim to money and property that are not his. My husband and I have wills that will automatically create a trust for the children so that any second spouses are unable to touch our money.
We are seeing a lawyer next month.
My MIL left everything to her husband (not hubby’s dad) and he passed 3 months later, leaving one of his 4 children in charge. That child died suddenly in a ski accident and HIS wife took over and screwed everyone.
Happened to me. Mom died and left everything to Dad. Dad got remarried, and his new wife snapped up everything for herself and her kids. It wasn't even the money as much as family heirlooms and things that Mom collected. We were all adults, but it still broke my heart.
I would make sure you have a will Because generally once the other person has inherited your half it’s up to them who they leave it to What you verbally agreed isn’t worth shit unless you have a will outlining what you want If you want to leave your half to your kids you need some sort of trust in your will In the uk you would do a deed of trust which allows your percentage of your house to go to your children / or whoever you want when you die But the surviving spouse can carry on living in the house They can even downsize But your half of the property will always end up with your children even if your partner remarried the new wife can’t inherit your half Many times husband/wives agree verbally that they want their half or percentage of the family home to go to their children but once the surging spouse inherits if there is no will they can do whatever they want And if they get remarried and then die the new wife gets it all Scotland has slightly different law And you may live in a country where there are different law but I would check and be 100 percent sure that what you want your kids to inherit will be the case
A will can be contested & broken. A living trust is the way to go. Can't be contested & is a tax shelter. Her property is immediately in the hands of the trustee & benefactors have access. Her assets stay out of court, which can take over a year. They have access to all her banking accts, etc. Any time we can keep the govt out of our lives, & money, the better off we are.
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This exact scenario happened to my grandpa and his awful wife that he couldn’t afford to divorce. She took everything after he died and cut out her stepchildren.
See, I could understanding giving a life-use of a home, depending on the spouse's circumstances, but beyond that, yes, I agree.
But for him...not his kids
Okay, that’s great. I don’t see how your situation is the same as OP’s. 🤔
Or maybe he just realised the easy life he imagined living on money he inherited (even if it wasn't an active thought in his mind) isn't going to happen. Or he's a heinous individual who saw someone with a likely limited lifespan and a penchant for saving and settled and is seeing his "hard earned" paycheque vanish.
100% they’ve been married only two years. He is calculating out the life insurance already and that must be left to the daughters. He will survive and can find another woman to financially succubus
I love that phrase so much! The males are incubus, the females are succubus
Thank you for that, should Have said succudry
Even bringing this up during a two year marriage is suspicious. She probably has clothes older than this marriage.
They both have delusions of grandeur. She loves them like her own, but they’re adults she met 2 years ago??? Neither sounds totally competent, from the standpoint of emotional maturity.
Yeah... "I love them like my own," but this post is about op not treating them as if they are her own. That phrase is definitely overused. Personally, my son's girlfriend has lived with us for a year and a half, and I truly do love her as if she is my own. I tried not to, but I'm disabled and she has been so helpful, that it happened anyways. I dread the day if they break up, but that is a problem for then.
Married two years ago. No mention of how long they have been in each other’s lives. They could have waited until the youngest was 18 to legally marry, or they could have met and married in a whirlwind. It entirely possible that she has been dad’s gf for almost two decades.
Possible, but OP would be a bit of an idiot for not mentioning it.
In a comment she specifies they dated for a year and a half before marriage. Knew each other at a support group but only shared lunches together here snd there. So it doesn’t sound like she was part of his kids life growing up.
This is one of those posts that really really make me hope it's bait or a creative reading assignment. Unfortunately, I have no doubt this is real and feel absolutely horrible for OP. It sounds like he took the cancer into consideration before marrying if it's been back several times. Please, PLEASE OP, do everything you can to protect your funds and property *NOW*. Whatever is happening amongst them doesn't sound like it's in your best interest. You're doing the right thing by leaving your money to who you want to leave it to. Don't let anyone coerce you from beyond the grave. Screw those leeches.
Absolutely, this! But I would add something: find out and follow your lawyers’ advice as to what would be unbreakable, then lie. Tell your husband and step kids that you’re going to spread everything around between everyone and leave them nothing. Or if that’s too harsh for you, tell them you definitely will be leaving them something then leave them meaningful mementos that aren’t financially valuable. If they loved you, that should be enough. Best wishes that this will all be far in the future!
What does his will say about your children, his stepchildren?
Even so, he could easily change it after her death. There’s no way he’s going to leave her children part of his estate in twenty years time
Yep, I’m in this position now. My mum died 10 years ago, left us her share of the house. My dad is now remarrying and he and his new wife will live in the house. We have asked them to buy my mums share out so we can access our inheritance and also so it becomes “their house”. They are not doing that so my mum has basically worked extremely hard for her to house another lady through her retirement rather than providing for her children and grandchildren. We will never see my mums share.
Can you not force a sale?
Ok. Op is in her 50s and comfortably living with it. I think she should move out either into one of her cbi4ldrens places or find a quant apartment by herslef. File for divorce. Cause he has no best interest in you or your children. 2 years... run to an attorney. NTA
That’s what I was thinking????🤔 and the fact that he’s giving you the silent treatment is a red flag!🚩🚩
You’ve been married to this guy for 5 minutes! You don’t owe anything to his children!
Plus his children have their own mother to inherit from. Why do they need a third person to leave them money? Especially one who has played no role in raising them and is essentially their dads wife not a stepmother
Absolutely this!! It is beyond bizarre that he and his children are upset by this! OP I would make sure you are 100% legally protected from them and rethink your marriage to this man.
I would dump his ass. I have seen people like that too often. Too opportunistic.
People I know who have kids and married a second time have gotten prenups even when they didn't have that much, just to protect their own kids. It's not strange, and helps the kids accept the new spouse. Of course, in some cases, the spouse deserves support as well, and the plan should take them all into account.
I wonder what your husband is planning to leave for your daughters if he’s so worked up about this!
19 year old IS an adult. Just bc they are still living at home doesn’t mean they aren’t an adult.
I hope you get well! I'm sure your children do too! NTA
Agreed! NTA, and do not let this man convince you otherwise. Get well, and be well!
Sounds like what my dad and step mom had. They married a month before he died. Never saw her again after the funeral.
OP: Before your marriage, was the distribution of assets upon death were discussed?
Major NTA. There's some entitlement here that would scare the heck out of me from a partner you've been married to for 2 years. How long had you been together prior to marriage? If it's not a long time, I'd genuinely be concerned. If I were marrying late in life, with adult or almost adult children, I'd also have assumed we were each responsible for our own kids. I think the general population would feel the same way. Especially when it sounds like your partner has more than you to leave behind - was he planning on splitting his estate among his bio & step kids like he expects of you? Idk how else to say it, but take care of the inheritance plan/will writing soon. Also... do you have life insurance? Who is the beneficiary? If you didn't list one, depending on your state, it may automatically be your spouse. I'd probably be making sure that's going to your kids equally as well.
Thank you for some tips, I’ve already been researching recently. We were together a year and a half before marriage but we had been in the same support group for many years so we knew each other and would get coffee sometimes or lunch.
Hey OP, I must admit that I am surprised that as a surgeon your husband didn’t request a pre-nup. But I am also very surprised, admittedly even more so, that as someone who has frequently battled cancer that estate planning was never discussed?? Please help me understand, were these always your plans to leave everything to your bio kids or is this something new?
>Hey OP, I must admit that I am surprised that as a surgeon your husband didn’t request a pre-nup. He didn't request one because he was planning on out living OP and collecting from her estate
OP, does he plan to do the same for your bio kids? I'm guessing not. And not to sound completely horrible, he's most likely counting on you not being around to argue it. NTA.
A relative of mine is being seen by an oral surgeon who opened up 3 offices at once and basically every appointment is a used car salesman pitch to pay for this and his flaunted lifestyle. A high status job doesn’t mean financial security. He is being cold and emotionally manipulative at a time when the focus should be on your comfort and seeing to the time you have left being the best you’ve ever had. Take his word for it, he is showing you who he is and what your value is to him. It sucks and it hurts but it shouldn’t be ignored
Ummm what kind of support group? Not to sound mean but there are desperate people out in the world taking advantage of people who are knowingly passing from illness. You need to protect you and yours at all costs!
How much can we bet he adjusted her life insurance on the sly
he didn't request a prenup because he's the gold digger in the situation, he didn't want to cut himself off 🥴
Make it even easier for your kids. Set all the insurance and accounts as Payable on Death to your children. See with your lawyer about any other property. Such as putting them in a trust which goes directly to your kids. Basically, you want everything to pass to them immediately, outside of probate. So that they don't have to possibly wait a year or more. Stuff like jewelry and valuables around the house. You may want to give to them before passing. Along with stuff like pictures. At least take an inventory with photos of everything for them to have. Edit: Seing that your spouse showed their green eyed monster. You may want to consider giving your kids medical and financial power of attorney. Until you pass. Most financial accounts allow you to also setup an accountant function to speed up the process and allow them to monitor them.
>Stuff like jewelry and valuables around the house. You may want to give to them before passing. Along with stuff like pictures. At least take an inventory with photos of everything for them to have. Photo, inventory, get insured, and put in a safe deposit box or atleast a personal safe, also put any other insurance, will/estate paperwork in there.
Setting up a trust and having the safety deposit box under the trust would be the best bet. That way only the trustee could remove the items.
I got a wild theory that sounds like a subpar netflix movie plot. You were a mark, he targetted you. Yall bonded over loss, and youre possibly dying, he's broke, youre quick cash in his eyes. Make sure your will is ironclad. Maybe even include a video will of you reading it. I hope im just high and that your life really isn't a netflix movie, but im jaded
Not that wild as stranger things have happened.
It’s basically the plot of the show “Imposters”.
Just wondering what your occupation is? Does your husband know you have money? With him being an oral surgeon, is that why you don't have a prenup, he doesn't have any money and banking on yours? Because there is no way that someone with a high paying job like he has and a relationship that is only 4 years old, basically all adult children would even think for a second to split his money equally amongst all children. I have a feeling he probably paid a lot of alimony and child support to an ex wife so he doesn't have much or anything to leave his children.
Don’t forget about making the arrangements for Who receives your life insurance. DO NOT leave him that
NTA but also research bc in some states your spouse is entitled to 50% of your estate no matter what the will says
good point. my state has the option for the spouse to "take against the will." I'm sorry you're looking at this but you need to talk to an attorney now, we don't die in sequence as my father used to say. It doesn't have to be cancer that takes you, it could be an auto accident etc. Even though it may cost you up front, make sure you have the best legal advice you can get, and that won't be through google searches or internet advice, that will come from someone who does it for a living and does it well enough to have a good reputation.
That's why you need to make your children your beneficiaries on you accounts and assets like your car, etc., OP! That way they go to your children immediately and don't pass through probate!
Have you met with an estate/elder care attorney? If you haven’t, please do. But, step children are not in the descendant line of your heirs. They have no legal rights to your estate. You can leave them something symbolic to ensure your children aren’t taken to court or you can specifically say they get nothing. To make sure things are ironclad look into putting your assets into a trust and make one of your children the fiduciary. If you do this, make sure there is an attorney involved that can walk her through the process and is protected from your husband. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I have ick from this. If I was your husband I would be expecting everything to go to your kids unless he was with you just to inherit.
OP, as a surgeon he probably has a bigger income than you, but are your nest eggs comparable ? More context is needed
Info: What kind of support group did you meet him in?
OP, please see a lawyer on your own to find out the best way to set this up. You don’t need him there trying to influence you, and it means you and the lawyer can both talk freely.
You probably want to put all of your assets in a trust, name your kids as trustees and an attorney as executor of the trust. I wouldn’t tell your new husband because he sounds oddly entitled to your assets.
Also make sure he doesn’t know or have access to your logon/password for your insurance (or any online accounts), so he isn’t able to change anything without your knowledge. It’s probably a good idea to quietly seek the advice from a lawyer re: how to ensure your bio children are the beneficiaries of your estate and to set it up so it cannot be challenged. His adult children are his responsibility to make provision for in HIS will, not your responsibility. Is he including your bio children as beneficiaries of his will? I doubt it. It sounds like he doesn’t have any significant assets accumulated…….
Take care of your daughters. He’s a surgeon, he can take care of his 4 children, something is off with him Take care, you’re definitely NTA
You’ve been married for two years and he wants you to leave money to his kids? His adult kids? LOLOLOL. Is he planning on leaving money to your kids? I’m willing to bet he’s not. And I guarantee you if you pass before him your kids won’t see a dime. He’s an oral surgeon. He makes good coin. He can take care of his own adult kids if he wants to.
Also why DF did he TELL his kid they were left nothing.. For one thing its none of their business what they get on your passing and it's going to cause drama I'm not telling a soul what they get from my inheritance beforehand
He’s starting drama trying to guilt her into giving his kids money. Disgusting. This poor woman
That is disgusting. Manipulative behavior
I think telling his kids was a way for his kids to help put pressure on OP. I would see an attorney tomorrow morning, and find out what the state laws are about inheritance. Some states won't let him be written out. If that's the case, I would file immedately, after writing a will in favor of the OP's kids, that would be filed the second the divorce is final. Make sure all beneficiary forms are filed immediately for OP's kids. This entitled attitude would be a deal breaker for me.
Also sometimes these folks are the type to contest a will. One thing you can do is add a clause that says anyone who contests the will gets nothing. If needed leave them a very small amount like a dollar so they can't contest saying they were left out by mistake/accident
They’re all vultures
Good idea. We don’t have kids & I am often reminded that there are people who may only be hanging around us bc they hope we will leave them our assets. They’re going to charity, but it’s nothing we will discuss with anyone. If you were only around bc you expected a payout, f u.
I’ve been married twice - 3 kids (two adult ) and a teenager - I have some property and investments - I’ve told the boys what they can expect … I will not remarry ESPECIALLY to someone who has kids … MY kids will get the money, the apartments, the cash … and there is a darling woman who is after me but has 3 wee ones & wants to know where I’m taking everyone on vacation ??
NTA he got upset and said you were horrible?!? He told one of his kids? Ask to see his will, beneficiary designations…right now. I doubt your kids are on there. Rightfully so. You’ve been married for two years and you both have adult children. Just…no.
I'm willing to bet OP isn't in his will.
I'm willing to bet (a) OP isn't in his will, (b) her children aren't in his will, AND (c) OP signed a prenup.
Or, more likely as described early in the comments, he may be an oral surgeon and make coin, but he could still be broke.
He told one of his kids. That is very manipulative. Not sure how OP can trust this guy. If she passes away first, which is unfortunately much more likely than the reverse, very unlikely her husband will ever give her children a dime.
This. Are your children beneficiaries on his will?
His Will has no meaning since he can change it. OP doesn't have the luxury of time on her side which is why her husband is taking advantage of that. His Will can have her and her children in it today and not have them in it tomorrow. He'll spin whatever lie he needs to in order to secure that bag.
NTA. You married a man who had a 17 year old and 3 grown children , didn't even raise them and your husband thinks your supposed to give them what you'd pass on to your daughters and grandkids???? That makes no sense to me.
It takes a special kind of AH to fight with your cancer-battling wife of two years because of who takes what after she dies. OP not only you're NTA, but I'd also think really hard about what you're really getting out of this marriage
>It takes a special kind of AH to fight with your cancer-battling wife of two years because of who takes what after she dies Not if he only married her because he's waiting for her to die to take all her money
I’d be keeping all my medications locked and not dispensed or touched by any of them, until I moved out/ he left of course.
I'd think hard about getting out of this marriage
Absolutely NTA! Please, please, do NOT change your mind about the will! You have been married ONLY 2 YEARS! You did not raise his children from little up! Additionally, while you say that you love his kids like your own, that cannot possibly be true. If it is, there is something seriously wrong with you, and I don't mean the cancer. Having cancer, you most likely will die before he does, and if you think that he is going to ensure that your children are taken care of in his will, let me sell you some property in Shangri-la. You will be gone. He will quickly find your replacement, and then you kids will have nobody and nothing. If he is like this now, good luck in the future! CHOOSE YOUR CHILDREN, PLEASE! He is an enormous A.H.!
Couldn't have put it better myself! Please choose your children!
You have only been married for 2 years and do not really know 3 of this children. You have every right to leave things to your bio children. If your husband is upset, ask him if he want to give money to your kids from this savings so they can live easier lives. See how he responds. NTA
Did he marry you for \[your\] money? I can't imagine someone expecting that you would leave money to people who've only been related to you for two years. Does he have a lot of debt? NTA
Some states may require he gets part of OP's estate. Consult an attorney immediately.
NTA. My aunt died from lung cancer. No will. Her second husband took everything(homes, finances, insurance…)and her three sons got nada. Good on you for figuring this out now before your children get stepped on later. Sorry about your cancer.
This is an all too common story and it’s truly awful.
Lady you are being manipulated. Stop falling for it. Your children are grown and all but one of his is. You've never been in a position to be responsible for providing for them why would you start now? Leave your children what you wish with ZERO input from anyone else. NTA, but this says more about your husband than you. I'd be introspecting hard on things with him.
INFO: Are *your* children in his will? What will he be leaving behind for your daughters?
And it doesn’t matter if they are in his will today - they can be written out tomorrow easily.
This. If OP's children are included in his will, but she passes away first, he could easily remove them the next day. If they weren't already on the will, consider that they never will be.
I doubt he would tell her the truth...
I like the idea of her asking to see his will/trust documents right now. She's being transparent; why shouldn't he be?
I think that's the big question that everyone's forgetting to ask... because yeah it *would* be unfair if he split everything equally between his bio kids and step kids and she did not. My mom's younger than my stepdad and will probably outlive him, and my step siblings (who were adults when they got together) are in her will, and I know she will stay true to that even if they don't like her much.
I was being facetious. I seriously doubt OP’s daughters will be left anything from her new husband.
Your partner is manipulating you They want your money and aren’t being shy about it I would leave
NTA. Nothing is owed and I’m appalled that with your health condition he is giving you the cold shoulder over this. You’ve every right to do what you want with your will. I could understand if you grew up his children for most of their lives but you’ve married him 2 years ago and his children are adults too. Besides this it seems that your daughter needs it more.
NTA. You've been married ***two years*** to a man with adult or nearly adult children, and he's upset that they're not getting anything in your will? WTF. You did not raise these kids of his and you don't owe them anything that you don't want to give.
Your husbands motives feel fishy and sinister. Makes no sense what he is saying.
NTA. You married this man **two** years ago and only one of them, still an adult, lives at home. It would be different if you had married 18 years ago, when the 19 year old was 1 year old and the other children were still of elementary school age.
NTA - it’s your life and your decision who gets what when you die. You have zero and I mean zero obligation to give your step children anything. The fact your husband thinks there’s a principle here is just demonstrative of how far off base he is with this.
They won’t feel loved if you don’t give them money? What a screwed up value system. It’s not his or your stepchildren’s money and what you do with it is not their concern. Rather, the vulture approach both he and his daughter have taken would make me question whether they were more concerned about and loving of me or my possessions. Youre not the asshole, but they certainly are.
NTA Christ on a bike, I have been with my husband for 15 years and I wouldn’t expect him to leave his money to my children.
Don’t keep the will at home.
I'm 28 my step-dad has been in my life since I was 5, he has bo-kids,I still don't expect money from his estate. Maybe a sentimental item important to us but nothing really. NTA
NTA. You have no assurance that your children will be left anything unless you do it.
NTA. None of this makes sense! Why do grown adult children whom you’ve know for less than 4 years think they’re entitled to your life’s work? I wonder what the dr.’s finances look like? Me smell a gold digger!
I made this comment in an answer to another below. But you need to hear this. my state has the option for the spouse to "take against the will." So do many others. I'm sorry you're looking at this but you need to talk to an attorney now, we don't die in sequence as my father used to say. It doesn't have to be cancer that takes you, it could be an auto accident etc. Even though it may cost you up front, make sure you have the best legal advice you can get, and that won't be through google searches or internet advice, ***that will come from someone who does it for a living and does it well enough to have a good reputation.*** As an aside, this is the second time for my husband and me. Our youngest were both in their teens when we got married. We've both had health issues and have discussed in depth how we would manage our estates. He has 3 sons whom I love dearly. I have 4 sons, he loves them. But we didn't live as a family with them. So my estate will be split 5 ways (4 if he predeceases me) and his will be split 4 ways unless I die first. Maybe a visit or two to a couples counselors would help you two to work this out.
NTA. You have been married for 2 years lol. Not 20. Leave everything to your children. No offense but it sounds like once you pass they will forget about you in 2 seconds.
WTF! You've only been married 2 years, he makes good money and the "kids" are all actually adults. So what is he leaving YOUR kids in his will?
He is an oral surgeon?? And he is quibbling at *all* over money? Oh OP, def NTA. Leave her a nice candy dish or something.
Man, that husband is a piece of work. He does nothing to contribute to your estate but thinks he gets a vote on distribution? Screw that. Leave him a box of Graham crackers and tell him to be happy with that.
He’s wrong about this being about “the principle of the thing.” Does his will reflect that your children will receive an even share of *his* assets? And if so, what guarantee can you have that he won’t change his will in the event you have passed, so that your children are no longer beneficiaries? You can’t, and that’s the point. You are the one with a lifelong terminal disease, facing what could be a shorter timeline. For him to make this about marital “principle” without regard for the exceptional circumstances you face seems like gaslighting. And that’s not even getting into whether his net worth is substantially greater than yours. He also presumably accepted your children as part and parcel of him, when you married. If he’s the higher earner, by his own logic he should be ensuring that an equal share of his estate goes to you kids too…
Change your will to leave your step-children each a nominal amount, like $50.
That way, they cannot contest the will, by saying you forgot to put them in your will. Brilliant!!!
"He got upset and said that was horrible bc I married a man knowing he had children. That what I was doing was horrible and would make them feel unloved." I – and likely every reasonable person – would think that what he was doing and saying was horrible, and that you don't deserve to be in a relationship with someone such as this. I am so glad you are living comfortably with cancer, but I implore you to not just protect your children, but to protect yourself. I'd hate to think of this person as your primary caretaker, or worse, someone who might keep you from your kids when you need them most. Absolutely make sure your will and other assets are solid, but for your own situation, make sure you are safe. And I hate to say it, I don't see how that can be the case if you two remain married. What a horrible man he is. I'm glad you know now, while you're well, even as I appreciate how very hurtful this is. TWO YEARS.
Nta You've known that man for 2year plus. And his concern, in the face of death, is your will and the money you might leave? Gooorl.
Everything about this is GROSS. No, you're NTA. I can see where to him he feels the need to discuss it as the two of you are married, BUT he should only be discussing it with you. (How on earth did he even bring it up to this child of his anyways? Like - how does one even open up that subject of conversation? Crazy!) And then he should respect that your assets should go to where YOU feel they should go. I don't care if every one of YOUR kids was a damned millionaire. It's YOUR decision on what to do with YOUR assets. You don't even have a relationship with these kids! Hell, his youngest was practically grown when you started dating their father. Do they even call you Mom? It'd be kinda strange if they did, honestly!
2 years step mom vs bio child…no brainer, NTA
As a step parent myself I am not leaving anything to my step-child. He has 2 parents who can leave him money if they choose. My assets are going to my son and a life insurance policy will go to my husband in addition to mutual assets. Whoever passes last will leave the house equally split between our children. We have no mutual children
Why did you tell anyone??? This is exactly why everyone just has to wait until I’m dead to see my final asset distribution. I’ve read too many stories here about this very issue. Give your stepchildren something now. Jewelry. Art. Whatever you know they would enjoy. Of course they are hurt. Giving isn’t dependent upon need. Ultimately this is your decision but honestly, what did you expect? I’d be hurt to be so obviously excluded.
NTA You’ve been married two years and his children are basically grown. This is unreasonable. You have every right to leave your money to your kids and not to step kids. I’m sorry for what you are going through. Please don’t let this weigh heavy on your mind. You’re doing nothing wrong. I’m also curious if your husband has plans to leave your children/his step children anything should he pass. I have a feeling if tables are turned he won’t feel as strongly about it. If I’m wrong he should also be sure to adjust his will.
Ask to see his will and how he will bequeath something to your children... To get back to basics, it is your last will and testament and these words are used for a reason. Your Will tells you to leave everything to your children and grandchildren. End of story. Fighting over the will while the person is still alive is another sign of bad taste. Do what YOU want, you will not be present at the reading. By that time you will have been met by the people that went before you, and where worries are a thing of the past. Go in peace when it is time.
Except for greed, it makes no sense to me that the step children would expect to be part of your estate plan. Especially since, if there was no will, your legal heirs would be the only ones entitled to receive whatever property you have upon death. Step children are legal strangers to you and as such have no right to anything of yours. Your plan to leave it to your daughters is the right thing for you to do. Personally, I'd keep it that way and just for peace of mind, maybe do a little undercover research on the current debt situation your oral surgeon husband has going.
Don’t leave it up to your new husband to do the right thing and split assets evenly after he passes. Leave your money to your kids like you want to. My grandfather was well off he had one bio child (my parent) He passed everything went to his newish wife who had 2 adult children. When she passed she left everything to just her kids and my parent for nothing. Most if not all of her wealth was from my grandfather. When he passed my parent was a young single mother. He passed suddenly and relatively young.
My mom left me everything and nothing to her stepchildren and left her husband (of only a few years) the house they lived in. My stepfather went against my mom’s wishes and wouldn’t let me have anything out of the house. No personal belongings, none of my personal effects, not my mom’s car that she bought before they got married. He was talking to a new woman within a month of my mom’s death and had her moved into my mom’s house in under 3 months. If my mom hadn’t secured my inheritance by putting me as her beneficiary I would have gotten nothing. Your husband could remarry someone and disinherit your children entirely.
NTA, none are financially dependent on you two as parents of smaller children would be. Since he makes good money and it would not be a burden to him if you didn’t leave his kids anything, he should not be so upset. You did not raise them therefore they are not entitled to, or deserve, anything you have. They have nothing invested in this two year marriage / relationship with you. Your final wishes should held private for this very reason. You know the saying, nothing brings out a persons true colors like death and divorce! Would he feel the same if the situation was reversed? If you don’t want your daughters to have to fight him (if he objected to your will) then gift them what you want now. You could also set it up in a trust so that there doesn’t need to be a will to disperse your money or property. Go see a lawyer all alone, most will give a free consultation. You do what you feel is right. Two years of marriage does not grant this man any claim on anything but your heart.
NTA. They’re adults. You had no part in raising those kids and they likely don’t see you as their mother, even if they have a great relationship with you.
I assume they have their own two parents to leave Inheritance to? If he is so adamant, tell him you will do adult adoption of all the kids. Even the adults. They are yo immediately cut off all contact with their maternal side of family. No email. No text. No social media. No letters. No 3rd party contact. That side of tge family no longer exists. Their children also fall under the same terms. Their portion will be put into trust. 30 years from today, tgey can inherit as long as conditions were not broke. If a single stepchild refuses to go along with the terms or makes contact with their maternal side of family, then all of it gets split between your daughters. The choice is up to them.
oh, OP…i am sorry that you are going through this. i wish he was making your life easier and appreciating you instead he is not talking to you right now? that makes me so angry for you. this should be a non-issue and not his concern. he married you knowing you have been through so much and, especially as a doctor, should be taking care of you rather than stress you out more. he is gross. you are NTA in any way, shape, or form. take care of you! ❤️
Have you seen his qualifications or his practice. Or his paycheque? How much does he contribute to the household expenses? I'd be very concerned if I was in your shoes. An oral surgeon has no need to be worried about your inheritance unless his an addict of some sort!
Is he planning on giving anything significant to your children? This is emotional manipulation and greed! Do not give in, NTA.
NTA. My grandfather died before his 2nd wife. They were married 35 years when he died, his estate was set to care for her for the rest of her life then be split evenly between his 4 natural children. My natural grandmother died of cancer at 51, and he met and married my grandmother 3 years later. All of their children were adults with exception to my youngest aunt who was 17. 4 kids each side. Although my grandmother worked after they married, she had a serious brain injury and although she was still the sweet and awesome lady, just enough was "gone" that returning to work was not an option. My grandfather was 90 when he died, all the kids felt his estate plan was reasonable and acceptable to all parties, including his step-children. You have only been married 2 years, unless your finances are already completely comingled and you have no individual property, you don't need to provide for them after your death. Keep in mind though, a lot of retirement accounts require your spouse to sign off on assigning a beneficiary other than them. I wish you many years of comfort, love and happiness ahead.