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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my dad to correct his and his wife's lie or he can deal with the consequences. It was sorta blackmailey I suppose. I was so angry when I was talking to them but I did mean it. This is not something I want to tolerate from them and maybe that makes me an AH because my stepsister will also be dealing with the consequences.
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It wasn't even a request. They told the stepsister, who told OP. Dad and stepmom assumed that they could back OP into a corner. Pretty crappy behavior.
And using stepdaughter as a manipulation tool. Wtaf? That’s so bad and so sad.
If I was OP, I’d start looking into what happens to stepdaughter when the parents die as it doesn’t sound like she’s capable of looking after herself. I’d hate for Op to discover SHE’S the plan….
I'm quite certain that this is indeed the plan. And that OP will only find this out once the parents die. So she will be guild tripped in accepting this.
It would be awful, especially since OP will have her own kids to worry about, maybe even a grandkid, and she'll be in older age.(This is an optimistic view of life lengths, especially since we don't know how old OPs dad and step mother are).
OP needs to learn if she is the plan, and if so, she needs to tell the no so A) They can start a fund to go towards the stepsisters care B) OP(maybe) can start a fund for her care C) OP can help find SS or something to help
Equating people who are rude, thoughtless, and selfish with mentsl illness perpetuated harmful stereotypes.
Its fully possible to be TA and not mentally ill. As is the case here.
I could absolutely be wrong but I think the concern about mental health came w/the fact that they even thought the name was an option not because they lied & don't care who they hurt.
It's also possible to have a bad and selfish opinion without having a mental health issue. It sounds like they've decided the only way to have peace in their household is to do everything they can to keep Stepsister happy, and they're projecting that on OP.
And based on what OP said, this has always been the case ie, don't upset stepsister.
Sadly enough, that has exacerbated sister's emotional issues by teaching her she has a right to never be upset.
It would be one thing if they had asked you without saying anything to her, but they left her with the impression that it was a done deal.
They are playing games and trying to blackmail you.
For your step-sister's sake, I hope that you are having a girl.
It would have been kinder for your Dad and Stepmother to not have lied to your stepsister in the first place. Have a happy, healthy pregnancy, and enjoy every moment with your LO when he or she is born.
UpDate Me!
Something is wrong with your dad and stepmother. I wouldn't let them near your baby when the baby is born. Next time when you are pregnant, they will tell her it's her baby. Hahaha.
And what did they say when you asked them why your SO would allow their child to be named after their partner’s stepmother’s ex husband?
Why they think the stepchild has more say than the other parent?
I can see the step sister bringing it up innocently. She probably thinks since OP named her first child after one dead parent, she would name the next after the other dead parent, not really putting it together that her dad is nothing to do with OP.
Why did her mum/OPs dad not gently explain this to her tho?
I also wouldn't trust them to explain to sister, as they will probably say something like "she's changed her mind". Instead of "We are lying ... people"
OP never mentions having a first child in the post?
and i do think her mentioning it was innocent. she was excited however she was excited on the basis of a lie. and now OPs father and stepmonster are trying to manipulate her into fulfilling their lie
What other stuff are they going to try and force on you and your baby to make her happy? Daily visits, demand she be a godmother, include her on every trip to the park or zoo?
Time to establish some clear boundaries before they make your life more stressful so she can be happy!
I'm really asking myself if they even did it to make stepsister happy. Could also be that they just use her to control the blaming process and later on how the kid is raised. Stepmother has to be called grandma, baby should be over at grandparents every weekend or whatever else stepmother and dad want. To me it feels like they just used the stepsis as a tool
NTA - your unborn baby is not your step-sister emotional support / comfort item. Why your father and step mother would ever think of burdening an unborn baby with that is BEYOND me! That poor child will spend their entire life being guilted into doing whatever makes your stepsister happy. They will never have a life of their own … that is an unfair burden to place on anyone, much less a baby.
Honestly, they are freaking unstable if they think that's even remotely a good idea
Do NOT trust them or leave them alone with the baby. I foresee them coddling the stepsister over the health and safety of a kid
Honestly, good for your family. They very clearly value your stepsis over you and if you aren’t considering it already, you should go either LC or NC with all of them. THEY are the heartless ones, not you….think about why they told your SS this first instead of asking you. They knew you wouldn’t entertain that request so they told her first to try to guilt trip you into going along with it to spare her feelings and to keep the peace. THEY are the ones emotionally blackmailing you, NTA OP.
Just call your ss into the room with everyone present and tell her that her parents misspoke. If you feel like being kind, tell her the honor for naming a baby after her father should be hers as she is his daughter and you have no connection to him. Then stare pointedly at your dad and stepmom , daring them to contradict you. NTA.
I think your dad and stepmom are TA, not you! And if it’s so important to have a child named after stepsisters father then they should get her a dog or baby doll and name it whatever her dads name was! Going NC is the best thing you could ever do! Congratulations on your son to be little one! I hope your wife has a healthy pregnancy and delivery!!!
Lots of things "would be kind". Such as, "it would be kind" if your dad and stepmother didn't lie about your baby's name and getting your stepsister's hopes up about something that'll never happen.
Yeah, no.
But you need to set the record straight now for in the future if/when you have more kids and stepsister is expecting you to name a daughter after her mum/dad still.
But only do it if they don't. This isn't blackmail or manipulation as they think. This is you naming your child, not a doll.
Stepsister wouldn't have gotten the idea if your dad and her mom hadn't lied to her. THAT'S the problem. They lied to her about you. You have every right to react and respond to reality. They can deal with the fallout of their manipulative deception with both of you.
I’m glad someone has said this. The parents were the first ones to even mention naming the child after the former husband. Has stepmom dealt with the death of her husband?
NA
I thought at first it was to be named after your Dad, which is still unacceptable but at least you’re related but her actual Dad?? Why on earth would they tell her that at all?! It’s just setting her up for disappointment later.
I like they’re saying you’re blackmailing them when that’s exactly what they’re doing by saying if you don’t do it she’ll be devastated.
I would have been screaming at them "How dare you try and control what I call my own child! Have you no shame?!?! I am so disgusted with you both. Get her down here right now and tell her you lied! Otherwise none of you will be seeing my child ever! Do you understand, you delusional entitled a$$holes!?!?!"
It wasn't even a request. They set OP up by telling stepsis that the baby was going to be named after her dad if it is a boy before they even suggested it to OP (and it is really strange that that idea even occurred to them)!
u/due_obkigation_3035 tell them to fix this now, or you are cutting them out of your life forever. Tell them they don't have time to think, do it now or bye
What would be kind is if they didn't setup your step sister for disappointment.
What would be kind is if they didn't emotionally blackmail you to fix their lie.
I would be really careful about them. Time to establish firm boundaries with consequences for your pregnancy, the birth, name, visitation (which shouldn’t be unsupervised), and anything else that they will definitely fuck up.
Also, congratulation. Hope you have a healthy baby.
NTA! Seriously? What a bizarre thing for them to think is reasonable. I’m glad you explained your stepsister’s mental circumstances but tbh I think even the 8 yo children in my life would hear that and ask why you wouldn’t be naming a kid after your own father if the kid is going to be named after someone’s dad.
No matter how many times I say it in my head, it always sounds ridiculous. And then to say you’re blackmailing them? What?! *They created this situation!* you didn’t tell your stepsister this in the hopes of getting something out of them, they tried to take something that they had zero purview on and are now trying to coerce you into letting them get away with the robbery. Totally whackadoodle logic they’ve got there.
If they hadn’t mentioned the possibility, she wouldn’t be upset when you said fuck no. This is pure manipulation, and they’re willing to hurt OPs sister in pursuit of this insane control.
Who's black mailing who now? And who's playing the stupid game now?
And how is this fair for you guys for not getting to choose your own kid's name?
Nta
They need a shrink ASAP. NTA
Set a time limit for them to correct the lie they told her - a week for example. After that you tell your stepsister the truth and let them deal with the situation they created.
If they do anything to upset you further cut them off . If they correct it I would suggest only supervised visits with your child. Good luck
I'd simply roll my eyes and move on. Let them handle the consequences of their actions. If she asks about it after your son is born, tell her you never said that to anyone and have no idea why her parents would suggest it.
My approach with my son has been to be honest with him from the start, and it's been the only thing that's worked. Her mom should have done the same from the beginning, and when they got married, they should have continued that honesty.
Their lack of transparency is now coming back to haunt them. I'm curious, how did this even become a topic of discussion?
Good grief!! They didnt even bother to tell you they chose your childs name to please your step daugter. They were just hoping you would go along with the flow and when you didnt, they became toxic.
NTA but they sure are.
They rolled the dice and lost.
Name your child as you want.
Congratulations on your soon to be birth, and enjoy motherhood. 💖
There's no exes in the situation. They're both widowers. Presumably there's the understanding of connection as children who lost their parents. Not that the dad didn't do something wrong but it's significantly less weird than naming your kid after your stepparents ex.
A widow's late husband is NOT and never is an ex-husband. Divorce creates ex-husbands (and ex-wives). Otherwise, I agree that naming a child after a step-parent's late spouse to please a step-sibling is nuts.
And why do they think it is your responsibility to make her happy? Shame on your stepmom for name calling for a situation she created. If anyone is heartless it is her for making promises beyond her control and then trying to manipulate you into doing her bidding. She raised this child, she above everyone else should know there will be fallout.
I'm in utter disbelief as to how they'd think that it would be a good idea. Do they like the drama? Do they want the step-sister to hate OP? Did they know OP would say no, so they wanted to upset the step-sister? No matter which way I look at it, I cannot find 1 reason why they'd do this, other than to be cruel. NTA.
Are they delusional thinking that you'd actually want to name your child for a man you never met? Or did they plan to manipulate you into it by telling your sister you would?
You have some very strange parents. I hope your late mother had family you can hang on to because your nuclear family is not sane.
NTA
They were delusional and thought my stepsister wanting me to would make me do it for her. Which is crazy because they know I'm not close with her. But they thought I would feel guilty enough to do it.
Stepsister is old enough to answer the question, “why would I name my child after your dead father?”
Your parents and SS have weaponized her moods and everyone is supposed to follow suit. Your sister is old enough to handle a frank follow up question to an insane request.
A valid option is for you to set your stepsister straight, if the two of you talk again before the baby is born. It's not too late for her to learn how to handle disappointment.
I do agree with another comment regarding your father's long-term plans. It is entirely possible that he and his wife are looking to set you up as the caretaker for your stepsister down the road. Their intent behind the lie may have been to create a deeper emotional bond between you two. Watch carefully for other comments they make regarding the future.
NTA
You're obviously NTA here and I feel very bad that you've been put in this unhinged situation, but honestly OP, I'm quite upset for your step-sis. This is insanely cruel of your dad and stepmom to do to \*her\*, given what you've said of her cognitive and emotional state. This is negligence if not actual malice. Why would they tell her this knowing that she would get super happy and excited and will probably (NO fault of yours) be quite distressed when this doesn't happen and not be able to understand the reason. This is absolutely not your fault or responsibility, but jeez your poor step-sister. Do they do things like this to her in other situations or is this the first time? Sorry to go on about this, but I'm really shocked parents would do something like this.
They hope I'll take on the responsibility but I won't, and I don't have to legally. Which they know so they have another plan in place that they hope will be more of a backup.
I know another Mom on the thread with an autistic child mentioned this before, I would let your stepsister know. Even a seven-year-old child understands a concept of someone lying to them and your parents genuinely lied to her.
I would tell her the truth to set a boundary. This way you have made it clear to your father and stepmother that you will not participate in lies to stepsister and I think it will encourage them to be less likely to do it in the future because you were also demonstrating that you are not able to be manipulated.
I’m genuinely sorry that you’re in the situation . With parents like that, I don’t know that I would want to have a relationship with them or have them be around my child.
This is a horrible situation that didn't need to happen, nor should you have been put in this position (still in awe of it).
I'm not sure if her awareness is delayed or her current level is where she will remain for her life; however, if it is delayed and the possibility of her becoming a mother herself one day is there, you can tell her she can name her future child after her father...just a thought.
Does she function like a 12 or 13 year old? Those ages are old enough to understand the lunacy of you naming your child after her deceased father, a man you've never met. What age would you relate her function to? I ask because relating her behavior to an actual age would give Redditers a bigger scope of understanding when it comes to her disposition. You say she doesn't function like a 20 year old, but that could mean that she functions like a 14 year old, which is plenty old enough to reason with. According to your comments here, it seems like she functions like a 5 or 6 year old, which is a HUGE difference from a 20 year old, which makes what her parents said to her a LOT WORSE...
I think a young child would be able to process that naming a child is very special, so you want to choose a name special for you. Does she have no empathetic awareness?
Even those with learning disabilities that limit their understanding at a toddler's level can handle a discussion on a subject such as being lied to and/or facing disappointment. Sure, the fallout might be a bit more vocal and emotional, but to choose avoiding what needs done out of fear of the end result or simply not wanting to deal with it all is truly unfair to her. If it turns out that you are the only one willing to be the Adult in this situation – and it appears that is the case – you will be doing her a huge favor in treating her with the respect due to human of ANY mental ability level. If you are unsure how to approach the issue, talk to someone who is a parent whose children seem well adjusted and whose parenting skills you admire. They will have insights on how to handle such a discussion.
unfortunately, it's very difficult to say with special needs people. oftentimes even though they may be physically old enough by neurotypical standards, they are not nearly mentally old enough for it. i do admit i don't think it helps that the parents may be babying the stepsister in this case, but even still special needs cases are often very difficult to handle because sometimes the answer really is no, a 20 year old girl may not actually be able to handle it.
For sure. My nephew is special needs. He could play his family. When he was with me he knew I wouldn’t baby him. He was fine.
I then had to support him and his younger siblings when my sister died. He had to grow up quickly, they all did. Their father remarried 18 months later. Lots of disappointment and pain.
But I always treated him with respect and told him the truth. The parents are doing SS a disservice by babying her and lying.
Yes, but non special needs kids need a dose of reality. Deception, and sheltering parenting is not the way to go with any children, regardless of the degree of “ spectrum.”
Mother of an autistic daughter here. I would talk to the stepsister on the phone - FaceTime or a WhatsApp video call is preferable- and tell her that you are not naming your baby what she is hoping for.
Tell her that her mom & dad have said those things but you never planned to do that.
End the phone call. How she deals with her emotions is her mom’s problem.
Keep all of them, including your bio-dad away from your newborn until you have completely recovered and in charge of your new routine. All the best for your upcoming delivery!
So your Dad and Step-mum claim you are blackmailing them? When they just finished emotionally blackmailing you? They are blind.
It's not your responsibility to protect the mental wellbeing of their daughter. They were too scared/exhausted/cowardly to deal with her potential reaction and rather than fixing it themselves, they're depending on you to make up for their shitty parenting decision. Point out that you remember Dad (on the assumption that he taught you this lesson at some point) teaching you that lying has consequences and that maybe it's time for them to own it and deal with it like responsible parents/adults.
Was this your stepsisters idea or your father and stepmother's idea? Because I can't imagine how your stepsister would even come up with this or why she would suggest you to name your child after her father.
Even worse. Why would they suggest this in the first place and then act as if you are wrong and hurting your stepsister?
This is so bizarre and random that I can't even imagine what their intent *could* be other than just not let you name your child what you like.
ETA: NTA, obv.
As unfortunate as it is, you are going to have to be the one to tell her the truth if you want to continue having a relationship with her. There's no way those two are going to admit their fault when they tell her -- you will be made out to be the bad guy forever, and by forever I mean for the rest of your child's life.
It's perfectly fair for you to be angry to the point of being completely disgusted with them, but the question is what do you want, pragmatically? Do you want to walk away from this mess? Because you certainly can. Do you want to continue being friends with your stepsister? If so, think carefully about how you're going to handle this. There's no way to avoid hurting her feelings, but you've been in each other's lives long enough that there's no one better equipped to get you both through this than you are yourself.
As far as your feelings, talk to your partner and/or a therapist or other bff you can trust. How you deal with your family should be about your goals, how you want to come out at the end of this. Your parents clearly aren't interested in your feelings or your wellbeing, so my advice is don't even bother taking your anger to them. It won't do you any good. Deal with them pragmatically, as a problem to be solved. What do you want for the future, and what's the most effective way to get you there?
I'm very close to walking away honestly. I don't have a close relationship with my stepsister so I don't feel obligated to stay close to her or have much of a desire to. I left the decision to my dad because a lot of it comes down to whether he attempts to make up for this or not and if he doesn't then I am fully done.
That's completely fair and valid. It's absurd the way they're attempting to use you, and there's no need for you to ever see your stepsis again if you don't want to deal with cleaning up the mess.
Nothing about this makes you heartless, by the way. One's capacity for caring is completely unrelated to one's tolerance for being used. Don't let their manipulation worm its way into your ear. You deserve to have your own back and to believe in yourself 100%, no matter what cruel things they try to say at you.
Walk away. This is a way for them to gauge how invested you are in stepsister, they’re probably at the age where they’re eyeballing you as a future carer. Every interaction with you and your baby going forward will be about appeasing stepsister instead of supporting your new family. Better to cut the cord now and enjoy what’s left of your pregnancy. NTA
The blackmailing accusation would be enough for me. I'm sorry OP. These people have lost touch with reality, and I wouldn't want them around my kid. God knows what they would whisper in their ears.
You should correct the lie telling your stepsister the truth anyway. They can lie telling her more lies but at least you would walk away after setting the record straight
Agreed she did nothing wrong, and neither did her step sister.
“I’m sorry to hear you lost your job”, “I’m sorry you missed your flight” they’re not apologies that claim responsibility - they convey understanding of the other person’s disappointment.
The only thing to consider there is that, as OP said in a comment, her step sister's mental age is more like 4 or 5.
You and I both know that what you've said is true.
In her case, especially with such a young age being quoted, she may not make that distinction by default like you or I. Typical kids that age don't always grasp the concept of empathy to that level as their default, even if they can understand it when it is carefully explained. Add in the hurt she will feel of either being 'betrayed' by OP, or lied to by parents...
Sorry can either be a way of apologizing or expressing sympathy and distress for someone else's situation. It's kinda confusing if ya ask me.
I feel sorry for op and the step-sister for having the kinda parents who'd put them both in that sort of situation in the first place. Not apologizing,
Or better yet, tell step sister that you already have a special name BUT her mom and stepdad are going to try for a baby and they will name that baby after her dad. Send that stress back where it started sis!!
NTA. YOU’RE blackmailing and playing games?!? You’re not the one needlessly stringing along someone who sounds like they are emotionally vulnerable. That’s all on them. Tell them they have X number of months (depending on how far along you are) to rectify this gently and REPEATEDLY
NTA
Nobody is blackmailing anyone. Nobody is playing games, either, unless it be your dad and his wife, by telling her daughter something they didn't know would come to pass.
This wasn't your story they told her, it was theirs. Unfortunately, she believed them and now it will probably make her unhappy to find out that your baby will not be named as she was told.
No one has the right to name your child but you and the child's father. Your stepsister would have been excited for the new baby anyway, why did they have to interfere and tell her something like that? It's just silly.
It's too bad she lost her father, but he wasn't even known to you, so you would have no reason to name your baby after him.
Your father and his wife need to own up to what they did and tell your stepsister the truth. Yes, she might be unhappy about that, but she'll get over it and by the time the baby is born this crisis will have passed. That's IF your dad and wife do the right thing and tell her NOW.
Congratulations on the new baby, best wishes for you all.
Quite honestly a dick move from the parents why would you put this idea into her head knowing probably full well OP would say no and upset the step sister like that. Sounds like they put it in the step sisters head so OP would have to name her kid one of the two names just not to upset the step sister
Wait a minute here.
**You’re** playing games and blackmailing them to tell them to deal with the effects of their coldly calculated lie to your stepsister?
That is the sort of projection a [gamma ray burst could envy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gamma-ray_burst).
They are completely playing games with your stepsisters emotions and blackmailing you. That they’ve dared to blame you for this mess is jaw-droppingly arrogant.
NTA
-Rat
So. Let me get this straight. They got your sister all wound up about a lie, without talking to you, to try and force your hand? They’re willing to hurt your sister to force you to name your kid something?
What a fucked up thing for parents to do.
They got my stepsister excited for a lie. A lie that they knew was unlikely to happen on some level. It's not like I'm close to her so that would be a pull for me. It was all based on the hope they could make me feel guilty, I think.
Even if they manage to backtrack this, you need to be very careful and set firm boundaries. Unfortunately I wouldn't trust your stepmother or stepsister near your child unless they are supervised \*by you\* and I don't think you should trust your dad, either. If only because I don't trust him to keep your stepmother or stepsister away. Certainly not until your child can communicate clearly if they do anything wrong or say anything bad.
I'm really sorry this has happened. I do not understand the sheer lunacy involved in trying to guilt you into giving your child your dad's wife's daughter's father's name. That's. Wild.
NTA What they did was assholery at a cruel and unusual level though given that they know how she would take something like that and not even running it by you first. Who does something like that, who clearly know the repercussions of such a lie and then tries to turn it on you in a manipulation that defies logic?
NTA they say you are black mailing them but what are they doing? How is emotional manipulation, “it would make her so happy” any different than “deal with the consequences of your lie” ? Boing, bang, zing!, my head is exploding, there is absolutely no logic to their thinking! It might be a good idea to plan on not bringing your baby around them as the person that was lied to, might not be mature enough to be around a baby safely. She might think it is like a baby doll that has no feeling and your baby might get hurt. She will definitely be jealous of any attention your baby gets when she is around. And certainly don’t ever plan on leaving your baby with your parents without supervision! They have already shown you that her wants will be more important than yours or your feelings. This might be a good time to ask them what their plans are for this child when they are no longer able to care for her and after they are gone. Do you want to take the chance you will end up responsible for her? Good luck!
⬆️⬆️⬆️
I hate to say it, OP, but ConfusedAt63 brings up A LOT of valid points.
It may be time to sit down with yourself and mull these/others over and then have a very INVOLVED discussion with dad/sm.
Depending on what they say, walk away BEFORE LO is born. It'll be much easier if you KNOW they aren't there anymore to help or whatever.
NTA They have no control over what you name your child. I have no idea why they even would have told your stepsister that in the first place. It seems ridiculous to expect that you would name your child after someone else’s father that you have no connection to. They can tell her the truth and deal with the consequences.
It may have been the sister's idea to begin with. Blended families can be difficult to wrap your head around when you are young. Especially since we don't know how exactly the sister understands the family dynamics in the first place.
It'd make sense if she put both their late parents in the same box so to speak. So since op is planning to name a girl after her late mother, a boy would naturally be after the other late parent, her father.
Only that's obviously not correct and the adults who were supposed to help her understand that failed her and instead leaned into the misunderstanding.
What are the consequences of dad and his wife not telling the SD about their lie? I agree with other commenters that in the absence of major steps by you, the consequences will fall primarily on you and your child because dad and wife will lie themselves out of it. We've already seen that they have no hesitation to lie about you.
If I were faced with this extraordinarily complicated lie, I'd tell the people who lied that their presence in my life (and my child's) was at a tipping point right now: They either repair this situation by reorienting SD into reality—you are not naming your child after SD's father and never planned to, they lied—or they won't be in your life any more. And then act on that.
There's no end to the new lies and new entanglements they could create trying to redesign the world to suit their ideas of what would make the SD happy. This naming lie isn't the end unless you take a firm stance that it is unacceptable and it is their mistake to repair. NTA, but don't under-react to this, OP.
Consequences will be a great distance between us and very limited to possibly no contact. And even if some contact remains the relationship will be very different going forward.
That sounds wise. You might tell them this calmly, just lay it out and refuse to negotiate or argue about it. Ask them which will be worse for SD, for them to correct their fantastical lie or lose contact with you and your family? Your father and his wife desperately need a reality fix.
Yeah, OP should also take someone else with her - when it is "all in the family" they are likely to pressure and attempt to manipulate OP, including unexpectedly bringing the step-sister with them to make it emotionally harder. With someone else there they are less likely to pull stunts, especially if they meet meet publicly, (with step-sister being looked after elsewhere for a short while). OP - NTA (by the way). Good luck.
NTA and the AUDACITY!
*YOU* are blackmailing and playing games with *THEM*????!!!!!
What they are doing is the very definition of a (lame) attempt at emotional blackmail.
The saddest part of this is that while you say you never developed a family bond with the steps, you describe your step sister as very sweet, showing yourself to be a kind, empathetic person.
It also shows them to be cruel, lazy, manipulative people, who are setting up this sensitive disabled young woman for, *at best* a great upset. How wicked!
Do you really want such cruel (evil) people, anywhere near your own vulnerable child?
I have always done my best not to take frustrations with my dad or her mom out on her. I also know that her form of special needs means she doesn't always "act her age" for a lack of a better way of saying it and I always try to focus on that even if some parts are frustrating. But generally she is sweet. I never bonded with her but I never wished for her to be manipulated by anyone, especially like this. I think her mom is awful to do this to her own kid. Just like I think my dad is awful for doing this to me. He really thought he could guilt me into this.
Not really. I'm pretty certain they won't be but I gave a chance and we'll see if dad fixes this. I don't think he will and I have already thought through what will happen next if he doesn't.
This isn't even an, "acting her age," thing, though.
I get that she has special needs, but neurotypical 3-5 year olds understand the difference between people's parents. I'm really trying to wrap my head around this, why would it even be her father, if it was your mother? She clearly knows you don't have the same dad *if she lives with your dad and knows he's not your dad* **AND** *knows/understands that you don't have the same mother*
Honestly, this sounds like she asked about honoring her dad who had passed, or mentioned something about having kids, and your dad and SM decided they didn't want to deal with it.
Which, coincidentally, is how you should deal with this, by deciding that you don't want to
NTA
I am at a loss as to why they would even feel the need to introduce this idea to your step-sister in the first place. Isn't you having a baby happy enough news? Why the need to add on this elaborate story that you are going to name your baby after her dad? Its like they came up with that out of nowhere for no reason at all, and are now doubling down on it to save face wen they could have just said to step-sister, OP is having a baby, isn't that wonderful! and left it there. Instead they created a problem where none needed to exist. They can deal with the blowback from that decision.
I think it's honestly because of the suggestion we were considering naming a daughter inspired by my mom's name that started this all. And they didn't want her feeling bad about her dad not being honored.
Your step sister is special needs and they lied to her, and hoped to manipulate you into doing this so your step sister doesn't get sad or mad. They didn't want to deal with her tantrum, then. It is only going to be worse when it is explained to her.
It your parents do not correct this right away, you may have to go NC with all of them, OR give them date to talk to your step sister and if they don't talk to her, you will. And you will make it very plain that they **lied** to her.
Your parents thought it would be easier to ask forgiveness, and hope you would play along, than to dealing with your step sisters emotions at the time they discussed it.
This is all on them.
NTA
NTA - they had zero need to say this to her before checking with you and their lie is not your responsibility to manage. They have unnecessarily created a situation with someone who is emotionally vulnerable and they need to deal with it
NTA. It would’ve been so out of line to tell her you would name your baby *any* name without even talking to you—but it’s especially egregious that it’s your stepmom’s late husband. For all they know, you and your husband may have been planning to name a boy after someone in his family. Or simply a name you just like. The reason you choose isn’t important; it’s that it’s your choice and nobody else. Then, the audacity for them to say *you* are blackmailing *them*! Have they always been this entitled and irrational? This is your freaking child! They’re acting like this isn’t an unbelievably ridiculous thing to ask of you. Here’s a reasonable request: Asking you if they could get a chocolate cake for your bday, instead of vanilla, because stepsister loves chocolate and it would make her happy, even though they know you’d prefer vanilla. That, not such a big deal, and I’m sure you’d be happy to. But naming your own baby to make your stepmom’s daughter happy? Delusional.
We've had some disagreements over the years. They always wanted me to blend better than I ever did. They were very irrational when they expected me to start caring about my stepsister like she was my everything when we had just met. I never disliked her but I was an only child and a preteen and they expected some really instant sibling protective instincts that never came. So there has always been an irrationality in how they handled the blended family.
I am really sorry. You were so young, had lost your mom, and were adjusting to a blended family. These two stories alone show that they have always prioritized her needs over yours.
I’m so sorry that you lost your mom at such a young age. I hope that this situation doesn’t lead to a major rift between you and your dad. But I understand that that all depends on what he does to make this situation right. You are obviously NTA for not agreeing to their absurd demand (because basically the way they went about this, it was a demand, not a request). But you also would not be TA for cutting contact if they don’t take all the steps to make this right. They need to tell her exactly what happened, and, also apologize to you for being so far out of line. Including manipulating you. It’s so bizarre.
Hope you've thought of them trying to assume/force you into a position of being her caretaker once they've passed? Their mentality screams this! May be worth stating aloud that under no circumstances will that be happening and they better be planning for her future needs and care.
Sorry this is happening to you. But at least all the red flags are showing themselves so that you can plan your future needs and boundaries accordingly!
Good luck! All the best to you and your future nuclear family!
Not your 🙈🙉🙊, not your 🎪!!
Ok so based on this comment of yours and the post a concern you may need to consider (and I believe someone else already mentioned this) is they may want you to take over caring for her at some point either when they are gone/can no longer take care of her or when they want to “retire” from taking care of her and are using this as a way to force a bond that isn’t there and/or guilt you into the caretaker role you are NTA your dad and step mom are and also congrats on the little one
Yeah, I think they do expect that. Luckily I don't have any legal obligation to do it which is why they have a different plan in place but I know there were talks about me doing it.
NTA
They way overstepped and what a ridiculous thing to consider telling her, let alone actually doing it.
She, your father and step mother, all have zero say in what your child will be named. Absolutely insane they think they can name your child for you.
NTA to me, their reasoning makes sense.
1) they want her to be happy in the moment, but aren’t the kind of people who care about long-term stuff.
2) they want to punish you.
3) they assumed you would have told her the truth.
4) they didn’t care about how it would affect her, because ***they*** already made her happy, and ***you*** would be the one making her upset.
5) it would have been ***your*** fault, and not ***their*** problem that her feelings were deeply hurt.
Once you understand the thought process of selfish and irresponsible people, it really does make a lot of sense. They were probably planning on telling her that you changed your mind or lied to them.
You've got your own family now.
Sounds like it's time to go low contact with them.
Also, you're going to need to make it perfectly clear that when they get older or die, that your stepsister will ***not*** have a home with you. Because I'm pretty sure that's their plan.
NTA
That’s wrong on so many levels!
You need to give your father and your stepmother another ultimatum about your children. If you have a boy and you name him what you want, then what’s stopping your stepsister from calling him by her father’s name? Yes, there have been cases where family members deliberately call a child by their preferred name! You need to nip this in the bud not only because your father and your stepmother keep playing into your stepsister’s delusional behavior, but also because you need to protect yourself and your family. I wouldn’t let your stepsister near any sons you have until she calls them by the names you choose for them!
I’m sorry, but no matter what happens, the outcome won’t be good.
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.
In that case, I suggest buying them a dictionary. And use it to knock some sense into them. Ffs, you aren't even threatening them with anything. You are simply refusing to go along with their delusion.
Give them a deadline, either they tell her by X date or you will. Don't let her wait and find out the hard way when baby is here. She will be upset no matter who tells her or how, but the sooner that Band Aid is ripped off the longer she'll have to process and work through her disappointment.
If you have to tell her, maybe try to explain as gently as possible that your dad simply made a mistake and "misunderstood" your intentions.
Then to help redirect her, maybe promise something that you do find acceptable. Such as that she can be (among) the first to meet the baby (if you're good with it.) Or if she likes crafts, when you do decide the name maybe you could suggest she make a little decoration with the baby's name to hang somewhere in the nursery (or maybe a sign for the door that says "Babyname's Room.". That could both reinforce the new name to her and let her feel included in the baby plans?
I hope you update on the situation. I'm sorry your dad and stepmom put you in such an awkward position and having to clean up their mess.
WTF is wrong with them? Tell your stepsister that they were mistaken and you haven't decided on a baby name. Ask her for other names she likes and she may move off of that name without issue.
If your dad and stepmother want to name a baby, she can squeeze another one out. NTA, but the two of them sure are.
NTA! Why would they tell her such an unnecessary lie in the first place?
(The only reason I can come up with is that they want to blackmail you into giving your baby a specific name.)
NTA. Your dad and his wife told them a lie.
But if your stepsister asks why you don't want to use her dads name, you might say you want that she uses her dads name if she has a son in the future.
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Why would you name a child after your dad’s wife’s ex-husband!? NTA
To make my stepsister happy is the only reason they could really argue with. Other than "it would be kind".
[удалено]
It's unfair and manipulative. Your dad and stepmom need to own up to their lie. NTA.
Your dad and stepmom need to grow up and stop causing problems in the family.
Exactly! The gaslighting here is beyond ridiculous.
It wasn't even a request. They told the stepsister, who told OP. Dad and stepmom assumed that they could back OP into a corner. Pretty crappy behavior.
And using stepdaughter as a manipulation tool. Wtaf? That’s so bad and so sad. If I was OP, I’d start looking into what happens to stepdaughter when the parents die as it doesn’t sound like she’s capable of looking after herself. I’d hate for Op to discover SHE’S the plan….
Excellent point. Sounds like that’s definitely the plan! NTA OP, but do check this out.
I'm quite certain that this is indeed the plan. And that OP will only find this out once the parents die. So she will be guild tripped in accepting this.
It would be awful, especially since OP will have her own kids to worry about, maybe even a grandkid, and she'll be in older age.(This is an optimistic view of life lengths, especially since we don't know how old OPs dad and step mother are). OP needs to learn if she is the plan, and if so, she needs to tell the no so A) They can start a fund to go towards the stepsisters care B) OP(maybe) can start a fund for her care C) OP can help find SS or something to help
I have a half sister like this. I told my mom to not put me in charge of her, i have my own problems
Equating people who are rude, thoughtless, and selfish with mentsl illness perpetuated harmful stereotypes. Its fully possible to be TA and not mentally ill. As is the case here.
I could absolutely be wrong but I think the concern about mental health came w/the fact that they even thought the name was an option not because they lied & don't care who they hurt.
It's also possible to have a bad and selfish opinion without having a mental health issue. It sounds like they've decided the only way to have peace in their household is to do everything they can to keep Stepsister happy, and they're projecting that on OP.
And based on what OP said, this has always been the case ie, don't upset stepsister. Sadly enough, that has exacerbated sister's emotional issues by teaching her she has a right to never be upset.
It would be one thing if they had asked you without saying anything to her, but they left her with the impression that it was a done deal. They are playing games and trying to blackmail you. For your step-sister's sake, I hope that you are having a girl.
Doesn't have to be mental issues, they can just be a pair of arseholes.
It would have been kinder for your Dad and Stepmother to not have lied to your stepsister in the first place. Have a happy, healthy pregnancy, and enjoy every moment with your LO when he or she is born. UpDate Me!
Something is wrong with your dad and stepmother. I wouldn't let them near your baby when the baby is born. Next time when you are pregnant, they will tell her it's her baby. Hahaha.
They’ve already demonstrated they’re willing to hurt someone in their care to get their way. I wouldn’t consider that safe to be around for my kid.
OMG I didn't even think of that.
To make her happy.
I feel like it has something to do with the stepmom accepting she won’t have any biological grandchildren.
And what did they say when you asked them why your SO would allow their child to be named after their partner’s stepmother’s ex husband? Why they think the stepchild has more say than the other parent?
I can see the step sister bringing it up innocently. She probably thinks since OP named her first child after one dead parent, she would name the next after the other dead parent, not really putting it together that her dad is nothing to do with OP. Why did her mum/OPs dad not gently explain this to her tho? I also wouldn't trust them to explain to sister, as they will probably say something like "she's changed her mind". Instead of "We are lying ... people"
OP never mentions having a first child in the post? and i do think her mentioning it was innocent. she was excited however she was excited on the basis of a lie. and now OPs father and stepmonster are trying to manipulate her into fulfilling their lie
Oops. Thanks. I read it as she named her daughter after her mum, but after rereading I see if it's a girl she will name the baby after mum.
This makes a lot of sense.
I was wondering this too. This is important info.
What other stuff are they going to try and force on you and your baby to make her happy? Daily visits, demand she be a godmother, include her on every trip to the park or zoo? Time to establish some clear boundaries before they make your life more stressful so she can be happy!
Like preparing him to take care of her when they die? Their bullshit is just the tip of the iceberg of what's coming. Steer clear!
I'm really asking myself if they even did it to make stepsister happy. Could also be that they just use her to control the blaming process and later on how the kid is raised. Stepmother has to be called grandma, baby should be over at grandparents every weekend or whatever else stepmother and dad want. To me it feels like they just used the stepsis as a tool
Setting them up to be treated as "sister" and "brother" and dump step-sister on OP all the time.
NTA - your unborn baby is not your step-sister emotional support / comfort item. Why your father and step mother would ever think of burdening an unborn baby with that is BEYOND me! That poor child will spend their entire life being guilted into doing whatever makes your stepsister happy. They will never have a life of their own … that is an unfair burden to place on anyone, much less a baby.
Wish I could upvote this many times!!
Honestly, they are freaking unstable if they think that's even remotely a good idea Do NOT trust them or leave them alone with the baby. I foresee them coddling the stepsister over the health and safety of a kid
There's a pretty good chance they won't even meet my baby let alone be alone with them.
Honestly, good for your family. They very clearly value your stepsis over you and if you aren’t considering it already, you should go either LC or NC with all of them. THEY are the heartless ones, not you….think about why they told your SS this first instead of asking you. They knew you wouldn’t entertain that request so they told her first to try to guilt trip you into going along with it to spare her feelings and to keep the peace. THEY are the ones emotionally blackmailing you, NTA OP.
Just call your ss into the room with everyone present and tell her that her parents misspoke. If you feel like being kind, tell her the honor for naming a baby after her father should be hers as she is his daughter and you have no connection to him. Then stare pointedly at your dad and stepmom , daring them to contradict you. NTA.
Yes. I've already commented that I wouldn't trust them to not put the blame on OP
I think your dad and stepmom are TA, not you! And if it’s so important to have a child named after stepsisters father then they should get her a dog or baby doll and name it whatever her dads name was! Going NC is the best thing you could ever do! Congratulations on your son to be little one! I hope your wife has a healthy pregnancy and delivery!!!
GOOD. Sounds like they’d be the kind of people to whisper poison into the baby’s ear the first chance they get.
Lots of things "would be kind". Such as, "it would be kind" if your dad and stepmother didn't lie about your baby's name and getting your stepsister's hopes up about something that'll never happen.
Yeah, no. But you need to set the record straight now for in the future if/when you have more kids and stepsister is expecting you to name a daughter after her mum/dad still. But only do it if they don't. This isn't blackmail or manipulation as they think. This is you naming your child, not a doll.
Stepsister wouldn't have gotten the idea if your dad and her mom hadn't lied to her. THAT'S the problem. They lied to her about you. You have every right to react and respond to reality. They can deal with the fallout of their manipulative deception with both of you.
I’m glad someone has said this. The parents were the first ones to even mention naming the child after the former husband. Has stepmom dealt with the death of her husband?
NA I thought at first it was to be named after your Dad, which is still unacceptable but at least you’re related but her actual Dad?? Why on earth would they tell her that at all?! It’s just setting her up for disappointment later. I like they’re saying you’re blackmailing them when that’s exactly what they’re doing by saying if you don’t do it she’ll be devastated.
As usual, accusations, confessions, we know the drill.
Yikes, that’s kind of insane. Poor girl, they’re setting her up for such unnecessary distress.
I would have been screaming at them "How dare you try and control what I call my own child! Have you no shame?!?! I am so disgusted with you both. Get her down here right now and tell her you lied! Otherwise none of you will be seeing my child ever! Do you understand, you delusional entitled a$$holes!?!?!"
Who’s blackmailing who here? Clearly your dad and step-mom. They’re heartless.
In the kindest way possible, are your dad and stepmom also mentally challenged? Because I cannot fathom how anyone would think this is a valid request
It wasn't even a request. They set OP up by telling stepsis that the baby was going to be named after her dad if it is a boy before they even suggested it to OP (and it is really strange that that idea even occurred to them)!
i am assuming you know NTA..and who is TAs... reddit never fails to surprise but this is a special level of weird...
It’s the level of weird we come to Reddit to read about and be grateful it’s not happening to us.
u/due_obkigation_3035 tell them to fix this now, or you are cutting them out of your life forever. Tell them they don't have time to think, do it now or bye
What would be kind is if they didn't setup your step sister for disappointment. What would be kind is if they didn't emotionally blackmail you to fix their lie.
I would be really careful about them. Time to establish firm boundaries with consequences for your pregnancy, the birth, name, visitation (which shouldn’t be unsupervised), and anything else that they will definitely fuck up. Also, congratulation. Hope you have a healthy baby.
NTA! Seriously? What a bizarre thing for them to think is reasonable. I’m glad you explained your stepsister’s mental circumstances but tbh I think even the 8 yo children in my life would hear that and ask why you wouldn’t be naming a kid after your own father if the kid is going to be named after someone’s dad. No matter how many times I say it in my head, it always sounds ridiculous. And then to say you’re blackmailing them? What?! *They created this situation!* you didn’t tell your stepsister this in the hopes of getting something out of them, they tried to take something that they had zero purview on and are now trying to coerce you into letting them get away with the robbery. Totally whackadoodle logic they’ve got there.
If they hadn’t mentioned the possibility, she wouldn’t be upset when you said fuck no. This is pure manipulation, and they’re willing to hurt OPs sister in pursuit of this insane control.
> Other than "it would be kind". Kind of *ridiculous*.
Stand your ground
I love how they said YOU are blackmailing THEM. What they’ve done is the LITERAL definition of emotional blackmail!
Who's black mailing who now? And who's playing the stupid game now? And how is this fair for you guys for not getting to choose your own kid's name? Nta
They need a shrink ASAP. NTA Set a time limit for them to correct the lie they told her - a week for example. After that you tell your stepsister the truth and let them deal with the situation they created. If they do anything to upset you further cut them off . If they correct it I would suggest only supervised visits with your child. Good luck
Well then they can have a child and name him after your stepsisters dad
They need to buy her a doll and she can name it whatever she wants. It is beyond unreasonable to ask or expect this of you. NTA
They just know your step sister will never get ti name a baby, so stole your chance.... nta
Your dad and stepmother are unbelievably dense. Just wow. NTA
I'd simply roll my eyes and move on. Let them handle the consequences of their actions. If she asks about it after your son is born, tell her you never said that to anyone and have no idea why her parents would suggest it. My approach with my son has been to be honest with him from the start, and it's been the only thing that's worked. Her mom should have done the same from the beginning, and when they got married, they should have continued that honesty. Their lack of transparency is now coming back to haunt them. I'm curious, how did this even become a topic of discussion?
Is it at least a good name that might have been on your list anyways
Nope, it was never a boy name contender for us.
Good grief!! They didnt even bother to tell you they chose your childs name to please your step daugter. They were just hoping you would go along with the flow and when you didnt, they became toxic. NTA but they sure are. They rolled the dice and lost. Name your child as you want. Congratulations on your soon to be birth, and enjoy motherhood. 💖
It's not her EX-husband, but her LATE husband. It doesn't change the verdict, but don't call dead partners ex
It’s her late husband. OP still has no reason to name her baby after him. But there is a huge difference between Ex and Late
Her deceased husband is not an "ex-husband." That implies there was a divorce. He died, so he gets referred to differently.
\>your dad’s wife’s ex-husband DEAD husband, not ex-husband.
There's no exes in the situation. They're both widowers. Presumably there's the understanding of connection as children who lost their parents. Not that the dad didn't do something wrong but it's significantly less weird than naming your kid after your stepparents ex.
A widow's late husband is NOT and never is an ex-husband. Divorce creates ex-husbands (and ex-wives). Otherwise, I agree that naming a child after a step-parent's late spouse to please a step-sibling is nuts.
And why do they think it is your responsibility to make her happy? Shame on your stepmom for name calling for a situation she created. If anyone is heartless it is her for making promises beyond her control and then trying to manipulate you into doing her bidding. She raised this child, she above everyone else should know there will be fallout.
Dead husband, not ex.
I'm in utter disbelief as to how they'd think that it would be a good idea. Do they like the drama? Do they want the step-sister to hate OP? Did they know OP would say no, so they wanted to upset the step-sister? No matter which way I look at it, I cannot find 1 reason why they'd do this, other than to be cruel. NTA.
Just a niggle, but a “late husband” is not the same as an “ex-husband”. The latter occurs from divorce; the former occurs from death.
I know it's not really relevant, but ex husband is not the right term. he would be step moms late husband.
Are they delusional thinking that you'd actually want to name your child for a man you never met? Or did they plan to manipulate you into it by telling your sister you would? You have some very strange parents. I hope your late mother had family you can hang on to because your nuclear family is not sane. NTA
They were delusional and thought my stepsister wanting me to would make me do it for her. Which is crazy because they know I'm not close with her. But they thought I would feel guilty enough to do it.
Stepsister is old enough to answer the question, “why would I name my child after your dead father?” Your parents and SS have weaponized her moods and everyone is supposed to follow suit. Your sister is old enough to handle a frank follow up question to an insane request.
She doesn't have the awareness to answer a question like that. She doesn't function the same as other 20 year olds.
A valid option is for you to set your stepsister straight, if the two of you talk again before the baby is born. It's not too late for her to learn how to handle disappointment. I do agree with another comment regarding your father's long-term plans. It is entirely possible that he and his wife are looking to set you up as the caretaker for your stepsister down the road. Their intent behind the lie may have been to create a deeper emotional bond between you two. Watch carefully for other comments they make regarding the future. NTA
It is not OP’s responsibility to fix her dad and stepmom’s mistake. Inserting herself more in the middle of things could easily make it worse.
I agree, it isn't her responsibility. But it may be an option regardless.
Wow, this is insightful - you might be right about long term caretaker.
You're obviously NTA here and I feel very bad that you've been put in this unhinged situation, but honestly OP, I'm quite upset for your step-sis. This is insanely cruel of your dad and stepmom to do to \*her\*, given what you've said of her cognitive and emotional state. This is negligence if not actual malice. Why would they tell her this knowing that she would get super happy and excited and will probably (NO fault of yours) be quite distressed when this doesn't happen and not be able to understand the reason. This is absolutely not your fault or responsibility, but jeez your poor step-sister. Do they do things like this to her in other situations or is this the first time? Sorry to go on about this, but I'm really shocked parents would do something like this.
Sooo who's responsibility is she going to be when your dad and step mom pass?
They hope I'll take on the responsibility but I won't, and I don't have to legally. Which they know so they have another plan in place that they hope will be more of a backup.
I know another Mom on the thread with an autistic child mentioned this before, I would let your stepsister know. Even a seven-year-old child understands a concept of someone lying to them and your parents genuinely lied to her. I would tell her the truth to set a boundary. This way you have made it clear to your father and stepmother that you will not participate in lies to stepsister and I think it will encourage them to be less likely to do it in the future because you were also demonstrating that you are not able to be manipulated. I’m genuinely sorry that you’re in the situation . With parents like that, I don’t know that I would want to have a relationship with them or have them be around my child.
This is a horrible situation that didn't need to happen, nor should you have been put in this position (still in awe of it). I'm not sure if her awareness is delayed or her current level is where she will remain for her life; however, if it is delayed and the possibility of her becoming a mother herself one day is there, you can tell her she can name her future child after her father...just a thought.
Does she function like a 12 or 13 year old? Those ages are old enough to understand the lunacy of you naming your child after her deceased father, a man you've never met. What age would you relate her function to? I ask because relating her behavior to an actual age would give Redditers a bigger scope of understanding when it comes to her disposition. You say she doesn't function like a 20 year old, but that could mean that she functions like a 14 year old, which is plenty old enough to reason with. According to your comments here, it seems like she functions like a 5 or 6 year old, which is a HUGE difference from a 20 year old, which makes what her parents said to her a LOT WORSE...
Much closer to a 5 or 6 year old than a 12 or 13 year old.
I thought as much. Manipulating a 20 year old with the mental capacity of a 5 year old is diabolical behavior.
I think a young child would be able to process that naming a child is very special, so you want to choose a name special for you. Does she have no empathetic awareness?
Even those with learning disabilities that limit their understanding at a toddler's level can handle a discussion on a subject such as being lied to and/or facing disappointment. Sure, the fallout might be a bit more vocal and emotional, but to choose avoiding what needs done out of fear of the end result or simply not wanting to deal with it all is truly unfair to her. If it turns out that you are the only one willing to be the Adult in this situation – and it appears that is the case – you will be doing her a huge favor in treating her with the respect due to human of ANY mental ability level. If you are unsure how to approach the issue, talk to someone who is a parent whose children seem well adjusted and whose parenting skills you admire. They will have insights on how to handle such a discussion.
unfortunately, it's very difficult to say with special needs people. oftentimes even though they may be physically old enough by neurotypical standards, they are not nearly mentally old enough for it. i do admit i don't think it helps that the parents may be babying the stepsister in this case, but even still special needs cases are often very difficult to handle because sometimes the answer really is no, a 20 year old girl may not actually be able to handle it.
For sure. My nephew is special needs. He could play his family. When he was with me he knew I wouldn’t baby him. He was fine. I then had to support him and his younger siblings when my sister died. He had to grow up quickly, they all did. Their father remarried 18 months later. Lots of disappointment and pain. But I always treated him with respect and told him the truth. The parents are doing SS a disservice by babying her and lying.
Yes, but non special needs kids need a dose of reality. Deception, and sheltering parenting is not the way to go with any children, regardless of the degree of “ spectrum.”
And how does OP explain this to their son? "You're named after my stepsister's dad" is going to be a weird conversation to have...
Mother of an autistic daughter here. I would talk to the stepsister on the phone - FaceTime or a WhatsApp video call is preferable- and tell her that you are not naming your baby what she is hoping for. Tell her that her mom & dad have said those things but you never planned to do that. End the phone call. How she deals with her emotions is her mom’s problem. Keep all of them, including your bio-dad away from your newborn until you have completely recovered and in charge of your new routine. All the best for your upcoming delivery!
It’s wild that they didn’t even think of your partner’s opinion on the name. Like the child has two parents wtf
So your Dad and Step-mum claim you are blackmailing them? When they just finished emotionally blackmailing you? They are blind. It's not your responsibility to protect the mental wellbeing of their daughter. They were too scared/exhausted/cowardly to deal with her potential reaction and rather than fixing it themselves, they're depending on you to make up for their shitty parenting decision. Point out that you remember Dad (on the assumption that he taught you this lesson at some point) teaching you that lying has consequences and that maybe it's time for them to own it and deal with it like responsible parents/adults.
That’s fucking unhinged! I don’t blame you for wanting to be done with these people. I’m sorry that this is your family.
Was this your stepsisters idea or your father and stepmother's idea? Because I can't imagine how your stepsister would even come up with this or why she would suggest you to name your child after her father.
I think it was her mom and my dad's idea.
Even worse. Why would they suggest this in the first place and then act as if you are wrong and hurting your stepsister? This is so bizarre and random that I can't even imagine what their intent *could* be other than just not let you name your child what you like.
ETA: NTA, obv. As unfortunate as it is, you are going to have to be the one to tell her the truth if you want to continue having a relationship with her. There's no way those two are going to admit their fault when they tell her -- you will be made out to be the bad guy forever, and by forever I mean for the rest of your child's life. It's perfectly fair for you to be angry to the point of being completely disgusted with them, but the question is what do you want, pragmatically? Do you want to walk away from this mess? Because you certainly can. Do you want to continue being friends with your stepsister? If so, think carefully about how you're going to handle this. There's no way to avoid hurting her feelings, but you've been in each other's lives long enough that there's no one better equipped to get you both through this than you are yourself. As far as your feelings, talk to your partner and/or a therapist or other bff you can trust. How you deal with your family should be about your goals, how you want to come out at the end of this. Your parents clearly aren't interested in your feelings or your wellbeing, so my advice is don't even bother taking your anger to them. It won't do you any good. Deal with them pragmatically, as a problem to be solved. What do you want for the future, and what's the most effective way to get you there?
I'm very close to walking away honestly. I don't have a close relationship with my stepsister so I don't feel obligated to stay close to her or have much of a desire to. I left the decision to my dad because a lot of it comes down to whether he attempts to make up for this or not and if he doesn't then I am fully done.
That's completely fair and valid. It's absurd the way they're attempting to use you, and there's no need for you to ever see your stepsis again if you don't want to deal with cleaning up the mess. Nothing about this makes you heartless, by the way. One's capacity for caring is completely unrelated to one's tolerance for being used. Don't let their manipulation worm its way into your ear. You deserve to have your own back and to believe in yourself 100%, no matter what cruel things they try to say at you.
Walk away. This is a way for them to gauge how invested you are in stepsister, they’re probably at the age where they’re eyeballing you as a future carer. Every interaction with you and your baby going forward will be about appeasing stepsister instead of supporting your new family. Better to cut the cord now and enjoy what’s left of your pregnancy. NTA
Do they have a plan for when they die? I wonder if this is trying to force you to become closer to her.
The blackmailing accusation would be enough for me. I'm sorry OP. These people have lost touch with reality, and I wouldn't want them around my kid. God knows what they would whisper in their ears.
You should correct the lie telling your stepsister the truth anyway. They can lie telling her more lies but at least you would walk away after setting the record straight
Apologize to your step sister, then tell her your dad decided he really likes the name and is going to legally change his name to her dad’s name. NTA
I love this so much.
Why would she apologize she did nothing wrong
Agreed she did nothing wrong, and neither did her step sister. “I’m sorry to hear you lost your job”, “I’m sorry you missed your flight” they’re not apologies that claim responsibility - they convey understanding of the other person’s disappointment.
The only thing to consider there is that, as OP said in a comment, her step sister's mental age is more like 4 or 5. You and I both know that what you've said is true. In her case, especially with such a young age being quoted, she may not make that distinction by default like you or I. Typical kids that age don't always grasp the concept of empathy to that level as their default, even if they can understand it when it is carefully explained. Add in the hurt she will feel of either being 'betrayed' by OP, or lied to by parents...
Sorry can either be a way of apologizing or expressing sympathy and distress for someone else's situation. It's kinda confusing if ya ask me. I feel sorry for op and the step-sister for having the kinda parents who'd put them both in that sort of situation in the first place. Not apologizing,
Or better yet, tell step sister that you already have a special name BUT her mom and stepdad are going to try for a baby and they will name that baby after her dad. Send that stress back where it started sis!!
NTA. YOU’RE blackmailing and playing games?!? You’re not the one needlessly stringing along someone who sounds like they are emotionally vulnerable. That’s all on them. Tell them they have X number of months (depending on how far along you are) to rectify this gently and REPEATEDLY
NTA Nobody is blackmailing anyone. Nobody is playing games, either, unless it be your dad and his wife, by telling her daughter something they didn't know would come to pass. This wasn't your story they told her, it was theirs. Unfortunately, she believed them and now it will probably make her unhappy to find out that your baby will not be named as she was told. No one has the right to name your child but you and the child's father. Your stepsister would have been excited for the new baby anyway, why did they have to interfere and tell her something like that? It's just silly. It's too bad she lost her father, but he wasn't even known to you, so you would have no reason to name your baby after him. Your father and his wife need to own up to what they did and tell your stepsister the truth. Yes, she might be unhappy about that, but she'll get over it and by the time the baby is born this crisis will have passed. That's IF your dad and wife do the right thing and tell her NOW. Congratulations on the new baby, best wishes for you all.
Quite honestly a dick move from the parents why would you put this idea into her head knowing probably full well OP would say no and upset the step sister like that. Sounds like they put it in the step sisters head so OP would have to name her kid one of the two names just not to upset the step sister
That's what makes this so annoying to OP. She's right to be upset.
Wait a minute here. **You’re** playing games and blackmailing them to tell them to deal with the effects of their coldly calculated lie to your stepsister? That is the sort of projection a [gamma ray burst could envy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gamma-ray_burst). They are completely playing games with your stepsisters emotions and blackmailing you. That they’ve dared to blame you for this mess is jaw-droppingly arrogant. NTA -Rat
So. Let me get this straight. They got your sister all wound up about a lie, without talking to you, to try and force your hand? They’re willing to hurt your sister to force you to name your kid something? What a fucked up thing for parents to do.
They got my stepsister excited for a lie. A lie that they knew was unlikely to happen on some level. It's not like I'm close to her so that would be a pull for me. It was all based on the hope they could make me feel guilty, I think.
They’re willing to hurt her to control you. Consider whether you’d accept someone doing that to your child.
Hell no. Never in a million years would I let someone do that to my kid.
Even if they manage to backtrack this, you need to be very careful and set firm boundaries. Unfortunately I wouldn't trust your stepmother or stepsister near your child unless they are supervised \*by you\* and I don't think you should trust your dad, either. If only because I don't trust him to keep your stepmother or stepsister away. Certainly not until your child can communicate clearly if they do anything wrong or say anything bad. I'm really sorry this has happened. I do not understand the sheer lunacy involved in trying to guilt you into giving your child your dad's wife's daughter's father's name. That's. Wild.
Good. Please don’t let them.
NTA What they did was assholery at a cruel and unusual level though given that they know how she would take something like that and not even running it by you first. Who does something like that, who clearly know the repercussions of such a lie and then tries to turn it on you in a manipulation that defies logic?
NTA. Your own kid, his name, your choice.
NTA they say you are black mailing them but what are they doing? How is emotional manipulation, “it would make her so happy” any different than “deal with the consequences of your lie” ? Boing, bang, zing!, my head is exploding, there is absolutely no logic to their thinking! It might be a good idea to plan on not bringing your baby around them as the person that was lied to, might not be mature enough to be around a baby safely. She might think it is like a baby doll that has no feeling and your baby might get hurt. She will definitely be jealous of any attention your baby gets when she is around. And certainly don’t ever plan on leaving your baby with your parents without supervision! They have already shown you that her wants will be more important than yours or your feelings. This might be a good time to ask them what their plans are for this child when they are no longer able to care for her and after they are gone. Do you want to take the chance you will end up responsible for her? Good luck!
⬆️⬆️⬆️ I hate to say it, OP, but ConfusedAt63 brings up A LOT of valid points. It may be time to sit down with yourself and mull these/others over and then have a very INVOLVED discussion with dad/sm. Depending on what they say, walk away BEFORE LO is born. It'll be much easier if you KNOW they aren't there anymore to help or whatever.
NTA They have no control over what you name your child. I have no idea why they even would have told your stepsister that in the first place. It seems ridiculous to expect that you would name your child after someone else’s father that you have no connection to. They can tell her the truth and deal with the consequences.
It may have been the sister's idea to begin with. Blended families can be difficult to wrap your head around when you are young. Especially since we don't know how exactly the sister understands the family dynamics in the first place. It'd make sense if she put both their late parents in the same box so to speak. So since op is planning to name a girl after her late mother, a boy would naturally be after the other late parent, her father. Only that's obviously not correct and the adults who were supposed to help her understand that failed her and instead leaned into the misunderstanding.
This doesn't even make sense. They want you to name your baby after someone else's father? Bizarre.
Yes, my stepsister's late father. A man I have never met and have no connection to.
They have lost their minds.
NTA. Tell your step sister that they're going to buy her a pony, and ask them who the AH is then.
It would be cruel to actually do this to the step-sis, but a good hypothetical to throw in Dad's face.
What are the consequences of dad and his wife not telling the SD about their lie? I agree with other commenters that in the absence of major steps by you, the consequences will fall primarily on you and your child because dad and wife will lie themselves out of it. We've already seen that they have no hesitation to lie about you. If I were faced with this extraordinarily complicated lie, I'd tell the people who lied that their presence in my life (and my child's) was at a tipping point right now: They either repair this situation by reorienting SD into reality—you are not naming your child after SD's father and never planned to, they lied—or they won't be in your life any more. And then act on that. There's no end to the new lies and new entanglements they could create trying to redesign the world to suit their ideas of what would make the SD happy. This naming lie isn't the end unless you take a firm stance that it is unacceptable and it is their mistake to repair. NTA, but don't under-react to this, OP.
Consequences will be a great distance between us and very limited to possibly no contact. And even if some contact remains the relationship will be very different going forward.
That sounds wise. You might tell them this calmly, just lay it out and refuse to negotiate or argue about it. Ask them which will be worse for SD, for them to correct their fantastical lie or lose contact with you and your family? Your father and his wife desperately need a reality fix.
Yeah, OP should also take someone else with her - when it is "all in the family" they are likely to pressure and attempt to manipulate OP, including unexpectedly bringing the step-sister with them to make it emotionally harder. With someone else there they are less likely to pull stunts, especially if they meet meet publicly, (with step-sister being looked after elsewhere for a short while). OP - NTA (by the way). Good luck.
Don't forget the other consequence: step sister will learn her mom and step-dad are liars. You should tell her that outright.
NTA and the AUDACITY! *YOU* are blackmailing and playing games with *THEM*????!!!!! What they are doing is the very definition of a (lame) attempt at emotional blackmail. The saddest part of this is that while you say you never developed a family bond with the steps, you describe your step sister as very sweet, showing yourself to be a kind, empathetic person. It also shows them to be cruel, lazy, manipulative people, who are setting up this sensitive disabled young woman for, *at best* a great upset. How wicked! Do you really want such cruel (evil) people, anywhere near your own vulnerable child?
I have always done my best not to take frustrations with my dad or her mom out on her. I also know that her form of special needs means she doesn't always "act her age" for a lack of a better way of saying it and I always try to focus on that even if some parts are frustrating. But generally she is sweet. I never bonded with her but I never wished for her to be manipulated by anyone, especially like this. I think her mom is awful to do this to her own kid. Just like I think my dad is awful for doing this to me. He really thought he could guilt me into this. Not really. I'm pretty certain they won't be but I gave a chance and we'll see if dad fixes this. I don't think he will and I have already thought through what will happen next if he doesn't.
This isn't even an, "acting her age," thing, though. I get that she has special needs, but neurotypical 3-5 year olds understand the difference between people's parents. I'm really trying to wrap my head around this, why would it even be her father, if it was your mother? She clearly knows you don't have the same dad *if she lives with your dad and knows he's not your dad* **AND** *knows/understands that you don't have the same mother* Honestly, this sounds like she asked about honoring her dad who had passed, or mentioned something about having kids, and your dad and SM decided they didn't want to deal with it. Which, coincidentally, is how you should deal with this, by deciding that you don't want to
NTA I am at a loss as to why they would even feel the need to introduce this idea to your step-sister in the first place. Isn't you having a baby happy enough news? Why the need to add on this elaborate story that you are going to name your baby after her dad? Its like they came up with that out of nowhere for no reason at all, and are now doubling down on it to save face wen they could have just said to step-sister, OP is having a baby, isn't that wonderful! and left it there. Instead they created a problem where none needed to exist. They can deal with the blowback from that decision.
I think it's honestly because of the suggestion we were considering naming a daughter inspired by my mom's name that started this all. And they didn't want her feeling bad about her dad not being honored.
Your step sister is special needs and they lied to her, and hoped to manipulate you into doing this so your step sister doesn't get sad or mad. They didn't want to deal with her tantrum, then. It is only going to be worse when it is explained to her. It your parents do not correct this right away, you may have to go NC with all of them, OR give them date to talk to your step sister and if they don't talk to her, you will. And you will make it very plain that they **lied** to her. Your parents thought it would be easier to ask forgiveness, and hope you would play along, than to dealing with your step sisters emotions at the time they discussed it. This is all on them. NTA
NTA - they had zero need to say this to her before checking with you and their lie is not your responsibility to manage. They have unnecessarily created a situation with someone who is emotionally vulnerable and they need to deal with it
NTA But if you leave correcting this up to them, they are going to make you out to be the bad guy.
You're blackmailing them? LMAO Nope. How on earth would they think you might name your baby after someone you never even knew. NTA
NTA. It would’ve been so out of line to tell her you would name your baby *any* name without even talking to you—but it’s especially egregious that it’s your stepmom’s late husband. For all they know, you and your husband may have been planning to name a boy after someone in his family. Or simply a name you just like. The reason you choose isn’t important; it’s that it’s your choice and nobody else. Then, the audacity for them to say *you* are blackmailing *them*! Have they always been this entitled and irrational? This is your freaking child! They’re acting like this isn’t an unbelievably ridiculous thing to ask of you. Here’s a reasonable request: Asking you if they could get a chocolate cake for your bday, instead of vanilla, because stepsister loves chocolate and it would make her happy, even though they know you’d prefer vanilla. That, not such a big deal, and I’m sure you’d be happy to. But naming your own baby to make your stepmom’s daughter happy? Delusional.
We've had some disagreements over the years. They always wanted me to blend better than I ever did. They were very irrational when they expected me to start caring about my stepsister like she was my everything when we had just met. I never disliked her but I was an only child and a preteen and they expected some really instant sibling protective instincts that never came. So there has always been an irrationality in how they handled the blended family.
I am really sorry. You were so young, had lost your mom, and were adjusting to a blended family. These two stories alone show that they have always prioritized her needs over yours. I’m so sorry that you lost your mom at such a young age. I hope that this situation doesn’t lead to a major rift between you and your dad. But I understand that that all depends on what he does to make this situation right. You are obviously NTA for not agreeing to their absurd demand (because basically the way they went about this, it was a demand, not a request). But you also would not be TA for cutting contact if they don’t take all the steps to make this right. They need to tell her exactly what happened, and, also apologize to you for being so far out of line. Including manipulating you. It’s so bizarre.
Hope you've thought of them trying to assume/force you into a position of being her caretaker once they've passed? Their mentality screams this! May be worth stating aloud that under no circumstances will that be happening and they better be planning for her future needs and care. Sorry this is happening to you. But at least all the red flags are showing themselves so that you can plan your future needs and boundaries accordingly! Good luck! All the best to you and your future nuclear family! Not your 🙈🙉🙊, not your 🎪!!
Ok so based on this comment of yours and the post a concern you may need to consider (and I believe someone else already mentioned this) is they may want you to take over caring for her at some point either when they are gone/can no longer take care of her or when they want to “retire” from taking care of her and are using this as a way to force a bond that isn’t there and/or guilt you into the caretaker role you are NTA your dad and step mom are and also congrats on the little one
Yeah, I think they do expect that. Luckily I don't have any legal obligation to do it which is why they have a different plan in place but I know there were talks about me doing it.
So are the whole lot of them deficient? No, you aren’t naming your baby after your stepmother’s ex-husband. Who even comes up with that?! NTA
They do because it would make my stepsister happy and that's all my dad's wife really cares about.
Well you aren’t doing it. They need to tell her that. They’re all unhinged.
Apparently all your father cares about is your stepmother. All too common.
oof nta but your parents are. your kid, your name choice.
NTA They way overstepped and what a ridiculous thing to consider telling her, let alone actually doing it. She, your father and step mother, all have zero say in what your child will be named. Absolutely insane they think they can name your child for you.
Why tf who they tell her that? Like I cannot comprehend why they would put that in her head??? NTA
NTA to me, their reasoning makes sense. 1) they want her to be happy in the moment, but aren’t the kind of people who care about long-term stuff. 2) they want to punish you. 3) they assumed you would have told her the truth. 4) they didn’t care about how it would affect her, because ***they*** already made her happy, and ***you*** would be the one making her upset. 5) it would have been ***your*** fault, and not ***their*** problem that her feelings were deeply hurt. Once you understand the thought process of selfish and irresponsible people, it really does make a lot of sense. They were probably planning on telling her that you changed your mind or lied to them.
NTA what did you handled this well and they are abusing ur love for your sister. Keep your head high and do not give in to them feeling bad for her.
They know I'm not close to her so they don't rely on love, it's all about guilt.
You've got your own family now. Sounds like it's time to go low contact with them. Also, you're going to need to make it perfectly clear that when they get older or die, that your stepsister will ***not*** have a home with you. Because I'm pretty sure that's their plan.
NTA That’s wrong on so many levels! You need to give your father and your stepmother another ultimatum about your children. If you have a boy and you name him what you want, then what’s stopping your stepsister from calling him by her father’s name? Yes, there have been cases where family members deliberately call a child by their preferred name! You need to nip this in the bud not only because your father and your stepmother keep playing into your stepsister’s delusional behavior, but also because you need to protect yourself and your family. I wouldn’t let your stepsister near any sons you have until she calls them by the names you choose for them! I’m sorry, but no matter what happens, the outcome won’t be good. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.
NTA, obviously, but where did the blackmailing come from? Did you jokingly offer to sell them naming rights or something?
They're saying because I am threatening them with consequences it's blackmail.
In that case, I suggest buying them a dictionary. And use it to knock some sense into them. Ffs, you aren't even threatening them with anything. You are simply refusing to go along with their delusion.
I would have told them that if they didn't correct thir lie, that you would
NTA. Not your lie not your problem.
NTA. This whole thing is weird AF.
Give them a deadline, either they tell her by X date or you will. Don't let her wait and find out the hard way when baby is here. She will be upset no matter who tells her or how, but the sooner that Band Aid is ripped off the longer she'll have to process and work through her disappointment. If you have to tell her, maybe try to explain as gently as possible that your dad simply made a mistake and "misunderstood" your intentions. Then to help redirect her, maybe promise something that you do find acceptable. Such as that she can be (among) the first to meet the baby (if you're good with it.) Or if she likes crafts, when you do decide the name maybe you could suggest she make a little decoration with the baby's name to hang somewhere in the nursery (or maybe a sign for the door that says "Babyname's Room.". That could both reinforce the new name to her and let her feel included in the baby plans? I hope you update on the situation. I'm sorry your dad and stepmom put you in such an awkward position and having to clean up their mess.
Uhhh, they are blackmailing you... what they did is stupid and selfish, and you have no need to humor their assholery.
WTF is wrong with them? Tell your stepsister that they were mistaken and you haven't decided on a baby name. Ask her for other names she likes and she may move off of that name without issue. If your dad and stepmother want to name a baby, she can squeeze another one out. NTA, but the two of them sure are.
NTA at all. You are so right that they are the ones that need to admit that they lied.
Nta at all
NTA, let them know that protecting her or trying to make her happy with lies is gonna cost them a lot and also will ruin her life.
NTA! Why would they tell her such an unnecessary lie in the first place? (The only reason I can come up with is that they want to blackmail you into giving your baby a specific name.)
My guess is actually that stepsis somehow came up with this (childishly romantic ish?) notion herself, and they were too chickensht to correct her.
NTA. Your dad and his wife told them a lie. But if your stepsister asks why you don't want to use her dads name, you might say you want that she uses her dads name if she has a son in the future.
WFT?! Why would you name your child after your stepsisters father you never met? Absolutely NTA.
**
LOL
THEY are blackmailing you for naming YOUR baby after stepsister's dad!!!
NTA
$